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The boy next door

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Fredag 17:11 - 23:14

“Whenever you think it can't get any worse our dear Mags proves us wrong...” Jonas says with a wide grin on his face.

“Yeah I mean like I know he's a freak but that shit was... ugh... I don't even have a word for that.” Isak says and grimaces.

“Fyfaen it was just so nasty...” Jonas shakes his head.

“Oooh right nasty, that's the right word.” Isak says “And they just kept going and going for solid 10 minutes.”

“Jesus, you watched them?” Jonas frowns.

“It was like a train wreck, just too horrible to look away from.” Isak shrugs and barks out a laugh.

“I'm seriously questioning who the freak in our group is right now.” Jonas looks at Isak and takes a step away from him.

“Shut up.” Isak says and punches him in the shoulder and both of them laugh.

Isak's eyes wander from Jonas down the street, there stands a car Isak hasn't seen before. A boy's leaning in the trunk, it seems like he's about to grab a moving box from in there.

Jonas continues to talk about the party yesterday, but Isak's eyes stay pinned to the boy, who's apparently moving in the house right next to Isak's “But the party was still freaking awesome tho, did you see this Amalia or Emilie, fuck I can't remember her name, she was....”

Isak eyes that boy up, he turns around and Isak bites down on his bottom lip, Jesus fucking Christ who sent that fucking angel down to earth?

That boy's handsome as fuck, with his tight bleached jeans, faded black shirt, grey hoodie and his styled hair, Jesus that hair looks so goddamn fluffy and smooth, Isak wants to brush his fingers through it.

Isak licks his lips and shortly looks at Jonas, so he won't get suspicious, and nods “Yeah, yeah she's pretty cute...” though he has no clue who Jonas is talking about.

Jonas goes on with his enthusiasm and Isak risks another glance at his new neighbor, their eyes meet and the boy gives Isak a bright smile, Isak quickly looks away, he feels his cheeks heating up and he knows his face is probably 15 shades pinker than one minute ago.

'Oh my fucking God he caught me staring, please just let me fucking die.' Isak shouts in his head and his thoughts continue ‘But did you see how fucking blue his eyes are? Jesus I wouldn’t mind drowning in them. And that jawline, holy shit.’

Isak’s thoughts are interrupted by Jonas punching his shoulder “Yo Isak.” Jonas looks at him, his bushy eyebrows raised.

Isak brushes his fingers over his eyes and slightly shakes his head, to get rid of the dirty thoughts he has in mind of his new neighbor.

“Huh? What?” Isak looks at Jonas, hoping the blush has already disappeared from his cheeks, he nervously scratches his neck. Fuck, did Jonas notice that Isak was staring at the other boy?

“Are you daydreaming? I asked if there's someone new moving in.” Jonas laughs a little and nods towards the neighbor house.

Isak shrugs “I don't fucking know, but it quite looks like it. There are constantly people moving in and out over there, don't know what the fucks up with that house.”

“Maybe you're such a shitty neighbor that all of them want to get the hell away.” Jonas laughs.

“Me? Pfff... I'm the most charming guy ever. I'm a fucking prince charming.” Isak grins at Jonas.

Jonas barks out a laugh, Isak looks at him played offended, but joins his laughter. Isak lets Jonas first walk through the little gate to get in the front yard, so he can catch another glance at his new neighbor.

Isak’s head turns a little to take a quick look, the boy’s leaned against the car, still that stunning smile on his lips. Isak can feel his cheeks heating up again, he walks with quick steps towards the house, goddamn Isak’s usually a quite confident guy, but that boy with his blue eyes and perfect hair makes Isak act like a little shy fawn and what the hell was that feeling in his stomach?

****

Even stands in his room with a moving box in his hands, he takes a quick look around and nods, yeah his new room is nice, it has a balcony that shows out to the back yard, it's light and friendly, and it’s so much better than the room he had in their last apartment.

Even puts the box on his desk and walks towards the french window, he opens it to let some fresh night air stream in his room.

Even walks out on the balcony and leans his hands on the rail of the balcony and his eyes wander over the back yard, it’s a really beautiful place his mother found here and there was even a pool, dimly lit, hidden between a lot of plants and grasses in the corner of the back yard. 

The whole day carrying and unpacking boxes in that warm weather left him exhausted as fuck, and his mind’s still occupied with the boy who's hopefully living next door. Even closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and smiles.

He almost dropped the box in his hands when he saw him. That green eyes, that smile, that voice, the way he moved his hands while speaking, the way his blond curls were looking out of the snapback on his head, soft blond prince curls… the way he blushed when Even smiled at him… his whole goddamn beautiful appearance, he was goddamn perfection. Is love at first sight a real thing? It definitely must be, cause Even doesn’t know what else this fucking is…

‘Okay Even… yeah he’s cute and shit, but take care, you know how it ended the last time, you remember?’ Even sighs, yeah he fucking remembers ‘Thanks brain for constantly reminding me.’

Sometimes Even wishes he could be as carefree as so many teenagers out there, but unfortunately he’s not that lucky. He already made a few big mistakes and wrong choices throughout his young life and sometimes he asks himself if this is how it’s going to be forever, a life ruled by wrong and stupid decisions his fucked up brain is making.

He shakes his head to get rid of this thoughts, he doesn’t want to think about this now, thinking about the hot boy next door is more pleasing.

Even steps back in his room, takes a quick look at his phone, a missed call from Sonja, Even sighs, he doesn’t want to call her back so he throws the phone back on his bed.

No question he loves Sonja, but just not as much as he used to, it feels like they’re drifting apart further and further and after all what happened in the last few months Sonja acted more like his mother than his girlfriend, she’s controlling and worried about him all the fucking time.

Even decided to take a break from their relationship, he couldn’t handle this anymore, it felt like a cage. He needs a break, space and he needs to breathe.

He grabs the cigarette pack from his desk and pulls one out, he steps back out on the balcony and sits down on the tiled floor. He lights his cigarette, drags on it and inhales the smoke deeply, yes that feels fucking good, a well-deserved cigarette after a long exhausting day. 

He leans against the wall and looks down in the garden, the pool looks pretty inviting, he had no time to jump into it during the day, there was just too much shit to do. But now in the cozy darkness, walking down and diving his pale naked ass in there, sounds like a fucking great idea.

He finishes his cigarette and stubs it out in the ashtray.

He peeks out of his room, the house is quiet, apparently his mum's already asleep or at least she's in her bedroom. He walks down the stairs, as quiet as possibly, he loves his mum, but he doesn't want her to see him bathing naked in the new pool and earning questioning and worried looks.

He walks up to the pool and sheds his clothes in the darkness, first he tips his toes in the water, it’s pretty cold, but now he's already naked so he needs to go in there. To jump in there would probably the best solution, but that would be too loud and his mum would come out and ask him what the hell he’s doing.

Even takes a deep breath and steps as quick as possibly the stairs down in the water, hell it’s cold but it’s also refreshing. He dives under, comes up again, he brushes the hair out of his face and starts to swim around a little. He stops his movement when he hears someone speaking in the neighbor yard.

****

Isak and Jonas step out in the backyard, Jonas sits down in one of the chairs and Isak pulls a chair right in front of Jonas, he lets his body fall in that chair, he's tired and exhausted.

Isak smiles a little smile, apologetically, and mumbles "I'm sorry, she's just..." Isak exhales loudly and leans his head back.

Jonas nods a little and says "Yeah I know, it's okay. You want me to stay over or something?"

Isak raises one of his eyebrows and grins at Jonas "Don't you have a date tonight?"

Jonas rolls his eyes and sighs "It’s not a ‘date’ date. I mean I can stay if you need me."

Isak shrugs and says "No it's okay, she's sleeping now anyway. Thanks for helping and shit."

Jonas smiles at him and pets Isak’s knee "That's what best friends are for, right."

Isak smiles "Right.” he takes out his phone from his pocket and hisses “Jesus, it's already 22:13 .. Get your ass over to Lili, I bet she's already waiting."

Jonas scoffs out a laugh and rolls his eyes, yeah probably the girl's waiting but before he leaves he needs to be sure everything’s fine with Isak "You sure ... I can ..."

Isak rolls his eyes and grins "Jesus, get your ass over to that girl."

Jonas holds his hands up in defense "Okay, okay. Text me if you need anything."

Isak sighs “Okay.” and he ads with a wink "Have fun and don’t forget to use protection."

Jonas groans "Shut up. Have fun with your right hand."

Isak barks out a laugh "Fuck you and get out of my backyard already."

Jonas laughs and flips Isak off before he leaves.

Isak leans back in the chair again and sighs loudly, his mother has been a handful today. Jonas is one of few, who know about the mental condition of his mother, he has always been there for Isak when he has asked for help or advice, but it’s still embarrassing for Isak when his mum acts like the way she did today, throwing and destroying things while mumbling confusing stuff.

Isak wanted to ask Jonas to stay, but he didn’t want to bar Jonas from that date, because he knows that Jonas really likes that girl and Isak already kinda ruined things between him and Eva.

Isak needs to manage that shit alone, his father seems to have the same opinion, he packed his shit a few weeks ago and left them with a “Sorry I can’t do this anymore.”

Isak understands why his father left, on some days Isak wants to give up himself and he already did, he left the house for 3 weeks and lived with Eskild and Linn in the Kollektivet, but he came back because his mum begged him to do so. So why can’t his fucking father get his shit together and get the hell back here where he belongs, where he's needed?

Isak’s phone pings, as ill luck would have it, it’s a message from his father, as if he would know that Isak’s execrating him right now. Isak wants to throw his fucking phone across the yard, but instead the grabs the ashtray from the desk and throws it and breathes “Fuck you.”

Unfortunately the ashtray hit the garden shed and broke into tiny little pieces, Isak rolls his eyes, of fucking course that needs to happen, he stands up from the chair and mumbles “Shit.”

****

Even listens interested what's going on over there, he's pretty tempted to shout over the fence if everything’s okay but he doesn't want to seem creepy to the new neighbor. Even gets out of the pool, wraps the towel around his waist and walks up to the fence, trying to take a look who's out there.

Even finds a tiny crack in the fence, through which he can peek at the other yard, it's dimly lit from the light that comes from the house.

Even’s heart skips a beat when he sees the boy who’s kneeing beside the little garden house, it’s really him. Even closes his eyes and mouths “Fuck yes.”

It seems like the other boy’s picking something up from the ground, probably the thing he destroyed a few seconds ago.

The boy throws all the pieces in his hand on the ground again and curses silently, he lets himself fall on his bum and buries his face in his hands.

Is he crying? Even wants to jump over the fence and wrap his arms around that boy and pull him in a warm safe hug.

The boy exhales loudly, takes his cap from his head, brushes his fingers through his curly hair and leans his head in his neck, his face is slightly illuminated from the light that comes from the house.

Even takes his glance of the boy and leans with his back against the fence, he inhales deeply, fucking shit, if love at first sight isn’t a thing than definitely love at second sight is a fucking thing. Even’s heart’s racing, on his lips plays a slight smile. ‘Holy shit? What the fuck’s happening here?’

Even hears the french window closing at the other side, he sighs and pushes his body from the fence. He quickly walks back to the pool and grabs the rest of his stuff and goes back in the house, straight to the bathroom.

He jumps under the shower, to get rid of the sweat from the day and the pool water, when he gets out the shower he feels like a fucking newborn, polished and new. Somehow it seems like he washed away his tiredness as well, so he decides to play a song. He grabs his guitar, sits down on the tiled floor of the balcony and strikes his fingers over the chords, his mouth opens…

Why the stars are lined up so perfectly
For everybody, but not for me
Wish it could be easy
But it never goes that away
It's never like the movies
It's never like they say

 Well maybe one day I'll be back on my feet
And all of this pain will be gone
And maybe it won't be so hard to be me
I'll found out just where I belong

It feels like it's taking forever
But one day things can get better
And maybe,
My time will come
And I'll be the lucky one

****

Isak closes the french window behind him and makes his way upstairs, the house is pretty silent, so he assumes his mum’s still sleeping. Isak wants to open the door to his room, but he decides to check on his mother for a last time before he disappears in there.

He quietly opens the door to her room and peeks inside, the room’s dark but he can see the silhouette of his mother, she’s breathing deep and calm. She’s still sleeping, the noise of Isak’s little outburst didn’t wake her up. Isak closes the door again, walks up to his room and slips in there.

Isak needs to calm down his mind a little and he needs to breath, so he decides to climb out his window and lay down on the awning. He opens one of the windows in his room, the chill night air carries the sound of a guitar and a deep voice to him.

Isak climbs out there on the awning and lays down. He’s lying on his back, head resting on his arms, looking at the stars and listening to that song which is filling the night…

So give me a reason to keep holdin' on
Something that makes me believe
That my life's gonna change
Seems like everyone else gets a shot, gets a break
I can't wait for that to be me

Maybe one day I'll be back on my feet
And all of this pain will be gone
Maybe it won't be so hard to be me
And I'll find out just where I belong
And maybe one day I'll be back on my feet
And all of this pain will be gone

It feels like it's taking forever
But one day
Things can get better
And maybe,
My time will come
And I'll be the lucky one

“Can’t wait for my fucking time to come.“ Isak breaths and he realizes that a tear escaped his eye, he quickly wipes it away. The voice of his neighbor has a soothing impact on Isak, his anger about his mum and dad seems to be gone.

Isak sits up and turns his head towards the neighbor house, his neighbor’s sitting on the balcony, the guitar on his lap, his body’s dipped in the slight light of his room.

Isak can feel his cheeks heating up again, what the hell is that what he’s feeling when he’s looking at this guy?

Today when their eyes met, Isak almost stumbled over his own feet, and then that smile, Jesus it made Isak feel things he never felt before, he didn’t even know that these kind of feelings are even existing.

Isak closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths and stands up to climb back in his room. He throws his body on his bed ‘5 minutes, then I’ll take a shower.’ he thinks, but he falls asleep a few breaths later and since a long time Isak sleeps more than 3 hours at a time.

Chapter Text

Lørdag 16:51

Even’s leaning against the door frame and looking critically at every corner of his room, he breaths out the air through his nose and smiles, he’s done, it took some time but now this room is finally ‘Even’.

Even hears the silent and cautious steps from his mum coming up the stairs, he feels a warm hand on his back softly rubbing up and down, his mom is standing right next to him “It looks great, a little chaotic, but it’s totally you, Evy.”

Even knows the last months have been a hell of a time for his mum, and it was a big step for her to move away from all that shit, but she did what’s best for her, best for both of them.

Even can remember how many talks and fights they had about moving away, some of them in the middle of the night when she was sitting in the kitchen crying and Even couldn’t find rest because it broke his heart seeing his mom like this.

And he remembers how long it took ‘til she finally found the courage to pack her shit and get the hell away. Even doesn’t blame her for what happened and it’s not for him to judge her. People just do stupid things when they’re in love, and Even can tell a thing or two about that.

Even is proud of her, she made it, they made it, in the end it doesn’t matter how long it took her, it only matters that she eventually find the courage to leave.

Even wraps his arm around her shoulder and gently pulls her in a half hug, he places a kiss on her hair and whispers “It’s gonna be great here, you’ll see.” At this point Even doesn’t know if he’s saying this to comfort his mum or himself.

“Yeah. We’ll make this.” she nods, she turns around and walks back down the stairs, she stops her steps and smiles at her son “I couldn’t have done it without you, Evy.”

Even smiles at her and slightly nods “Love you, mum.”

Even steps back in his room, there’s one box left to unpack on his desk, Even opens it, it’s full with notes and books from school, but there’s also something that doesn’t fit the other stuff, an item wrapped in paper.

Even takes it out of the box, it seems to be something like a frame, Even pulls off the paper and exhales loudly. He sits down on his chair, looking at the picture in his hands, four smiling faces looking back at him.

Even fights back the urge to smash it against the wall, how the fuck did it end up in one of the moving boxes? Even wraps the paper back around the frame and throws it back in the box.

He leans back in his chair for a moment, trying to calm down his thoughts a little, he doesn’t want to think about that now, he’s got tons of shit to do, there’s no time for that shit now, not now, he can deal with it sometime later, way later.

Even gets up from the chair and puts on the radio to drown out his thoughts. It takes some time 'til he starts relaxing again, but the melody of that catchy song helps to slip in a better mood again.

He starts to move his body to the rhythm, whistling the melody, but he can’t help it, he needs to sing, the song’s just too fucking catchy.

Even grabs the box from his desk and dances and sings his way to the bed, he slides the box underneath it, still singing loudly and moving his hips.

His eyes wander out the window and he sees his neighbor standing at his window, watching him with raised eyebrows and an amused little grin on his lips.

Even’s eyes widen, he freezes in his movement and his mouth hangs open a little, he feels his face heating up, it’s probably as red as a tomato by now. He starts to laugh to cover his embarrassment, scratches his neck and nervously bites on his bottom lip.

The other boy slightly shakes his head, but the grin is still on his lips when he steps away from the window.

Even turns around and buries his face in his hands ‘Jesus that was embarrassing as fuck. Where's the next fucking hole I can jump in and hide in forever?’ Even screams in his head.

‘But he was watching you. And he was grinning, did you see that gorgeous grin? Maybe he thinks it was cute. Embarrassing as fuck but still cute.’ his mind tries to comfort him.

****

Isak walks away from the window, the grin stays pinned on his lips, how the hell can this boy look so goddamn cute when he’s dancing and singing to a fucking Gabrielle song?

Isak startles when his phones goes off, he grabs it out of his pocket, Vilde’s name is on the screen, Isak considers whether to take the call or not.

He exhales loudly before he answers the call, trying to sound not as annoyed as he is “Hi Vilde.”

“Hi, Isak.” Vilde chirps at the other end of the line, Isak rolls his eyes, why can’t she fucking text him like every other normal person?

“Uhm, I just wanted you to ask if you and the boys are coming tonight. To Eva’s party I mean?” she asks innocently, Isak knows exactly why she’s asking, she has a crush on Magnus. Why can’t she just call Magnus himself or fucking text him? Isak doesn’t want to mediate between them, he has better shit to do.

“Yeah Vilde we’re all coming, don’t worry.” he says shortly and rolls his eyes again.

“Okay cool. See you there, bye.” Vilde sings, apparently too happy about Isak’s answer to notice his gruff tone.

“Yeah bye.” Isak ends the call, throws his phone on the bed and exhales loudly.

Isak hears noises from downstairs, he groans, can’t he just have fucking 10 minutes in peace to think about his cute fucking neighbor?

Isak walks out his room, down the stairs, to the kitchen, his mum is kneeing on the floor, half of her body leaned in a cabinet, she’s grabbing out everything that’s in there.

“Fuck.” Isak breaths quietly and walks up to her, he takes a can out of her hand and asks “What are you doing, mum?”

“I was just searching for something to eat, I want to prepare dinner.” she looks at her son with wide eyes.

“Mum, you don’t need to cook dinner, we already ate.” Isak smiles comforting at her, he helps her to get back on her feet.

“Oh we did? I totally forgot about it. Oh… sorry for making a mess.” a small apologizing smile plays on her lips.

“Don’t worry, it’s alright, I’ll take care of it. You need help to go back to your room?” Isak looks in her confused, sad eyes and before she can even answer Isak wraps his arm around her shoulder and walks her to her room.

He lays her down on the bed and covers her body with the blanket, he gently brushes his hand over her hair, her eyes are already closed and on her lips is a slight smile when she whispers “Thank you, darling.”


****

22:19

Loud music is coming from the speakers, the house is pretty loaded, people are sitting close to talk to each other, there are kissing couples in almost every corner of the house, it seems like all of them are enjoying themselves before school starts next week.

It’s a really fucking nice party and Even’s happy that Theo dragged him there, first Even didn’t want to go but Theo persuaded him, like he always does, when he’s looking at Even with his brown puppy eyes he can’t say no and that bastard is pretty fucking aware of that fact.

Even walks in the kitchen to get another beer from the fridge, he knows he shouldn’t mix alcohol with his meds, but two beers shouldn’t be a problem.

Even’s searching for beer in the fridge when he notices someone approaching behind him, he grabs a bottle and turns around.

“Sana.” he breathes, looking at her with wide eyes and trying to force a smile. Even starts nervously picking on the label of the bottle, he’s feeling uncomfortable as fuck and he wants to get the hell out of there.

“Even, hi.” Sana gives him soft and honest smile and takes a step closer to him and pulls him in a short but warm hug. Okay that’s not what Even expected, but he hugs her back and his body starts to relax.

“How are you doing?” Sana asks when they let go of each other, he’s a little surprised how nice and normal Sana’s acting towards him.

“I’m fine…I’m better.” Even smiles at her, this time his smile is honest.

“Great to hear.” Sana nods, her expression soft.

Even works up his whole courage and asks “So how… uhm… how are the boys doing?”

“They’re all fine.” a tender smile plays on her lips and she adds “They miss you, tho. I miss you.”

“Sana…” Even looks down to the floor, he misses them too, but after all what happened he doesn’t know how to fix things with them, he looks back up and licks his lips before he says “I miss you guys too…I…”

“Sana?” a voice shouts, both Even and Sana turn their heads towards the voice, Sana takes a step away from Even.

A blond girl enters the kitchen and her face lights up when she sees Sana “There you are. Chris is looking for you.”

Even and Sana smile at each other before Sana walks out the kitchen, Vilde’s watching that scene with raised eyebrows, before she turns to Even and sings “Hi. I’m Vilde.”

“Hi Vilde, I’m Even.” he mirrors her smile.

“You’re not going to Nissen, are you?” Vilde looks interested at him.

“From next week on I will.” Even answers and takes a sip of his beer.

“Cool. You'll love it there.” Vilde says, she turns her head as someone shouts her name, she walks out the kitchen, but before she disappears in the crowd, she gives Even a bright smile and winks “Have fun, Even. See you around.”

Even mirrors her smile, he takes a deep breath, still a little agigated from meeting Sana here, he takes a gulp of his beer and walks back to the living room, he leans against the wall and let his eyes wander over the crowd.

And there he is, Even’s neighbor, wearing tight blue jeans, a blank white shirt under his grey hoodie and on his head a red snapback covering his blond curls.

He’s standing there with 3 other boys, Even recognizes one of them, it’s the one his neighbor walked down the street with yesterday. He seems to have a really good time, his eyes are shining, he licks his lips, raises one of his eyebrows and laughs.

The most beautiful laugh Even has ever heard and seen, Jesus that boy. 

He turns his head to Even, their eyes meet and this time it takes a little longer ‘til he blushes and takes his eyes off Even. And what's that? Is that a little shy smile on his lips? 

Even’s heart flutters, he loves the impact he has on that boy.

“Here you are.” Even’s thoughts get interrupt by a hand on his shoulder, Even doesn’t need to look who it is.

He turns around and smiles at Theo “Here I am.” Even holds up his beer and ads “Was just in the kitchen to grab another one.”

For a second the look in Theo’s eyes got serious “Cool, but take it slow, yeah?”

“Yes, mum.” Even laughs and rolls his eyes.

Theo grimaces and grabs Even’s arm “Come on let’s find the other weirdos.” 

****

23:38

Isak can’t concentrate on the conversation his friends are having, his eyes are constantly searching for his neighbor. Since he saw him earlier, leaning against the wall on the other side of the living room his head is screaming ‘He’s here, he’s here.’

And when Isak looked in that beautiful blue eyes, he decided he would speak with him tonight, but first he needed to give himself a little liquid courage.

Isak’s intend seems a little more difficult than he thought it’ll be, the other boy seems never to be alone, not even for a fucking second, there are people around him all the fucking time.

Especially that guy with the brown short hair and that permanent smile on his lips, he never left his neighbor’s side and that guy’s hands are constantly somewhere on his neighbor’s body. Are they a couple? Please let him not be his fucking boyfriend.

It’s almost midnight when Isak finally gets the chance to catch the other boy alone, Isak follows him down the hall to the bathroom.

He wants to wait there ‘til the other one will come out and “bump” into him saying something like “Oh hi, you’re my new neighbor, right?”

‘Okay Isak you can do this, just be cool, just be yourself. It’s just talking to another guy, it’s easy.’ Isak walks up and down the hall, thankfully no one else is there, he must’ve looked like a psycho.

He hears the toilet flushing in there, he takes a deep breath, but in the last second he starts to panic, he reverses himself and gets the hell away.

‘Jesus Christ, you’re such a fucking coward.’ He screams in his head while he walks back to Jonas and the others.

Isak’s so fucking pissed at himself, he wants kick his own fucking craven ass.

He’s thankful as fuck when Mahdi suggested to smoke a blunt before leaving the party, hopefully the dope will help to forget about his gutless pullback.

Isak’s half leaning, half sitting in the bathtub left to him Jonas and right to him Mahdi, Magnus is sitting on the washing machine, they’re talking about the girls at the party, Isak couldn’t care any less about that topic, his mind’s still circling around his embarrassing try to speak with his neighbor.

To avoid any suspicions Isak mentions that one girl, Emma, she’s cute yeah, but hell she is just not Isak’s type, no girl’s Isak’s type.

At this moment Isak thinks that night can’t get any worse, oh he’s so fucking wrong.

The door to the bathroom opens and that girl, Emma, walks in.

Jesus Christ what did he do to deserve this? Why the fuck did he have such a big mouth a few minutes ago?

Isak just wants to get the hell out of there, but he knows his friends are expecting something else from him.

Isak’s afraid of getting nothing but scorn and derision from them, so he decides to just go with it and do what the boys are expecting from him.

He’s charming as fuck and he isn’t surprised when Emma ends up in his arms kissing him, mission accomplished, but as the other three leave the bathroom Isak starts to panic a little, hell he doesn’t want to be alone with her.

And as if that isn’t already enough, Emma tries to go down on him, it’s one thing to kiss a girl but a totally different thing to go any further and he definitely doesn’t want to go any further.

Thankfully a friend of Emma interrupts them and leaves the bathroom with her. Isak leans his head against the wall, takes a deep breath and taps his head a few times against it. Why the fuck did he do that?

****

Søndag 01:18-02:39

It’s way after midnight, the party has almost reached its end, people start their way home, some of them more wavering than walking.

Even ambles out the house and leans at the wall beside the front door, he lights a cigarette, inhales the smoke and breathes it out again.

He wanted to speak with his neighbor at the party, but somehow it seemed like his friends, especially Theo, wanted to have all of his attention tonight. He also met a few people who’ll go to his class this school year, they get along very well and somehow around all these people Even lost track of his neighbor.

"You need to fucking tell me how you're always doing this, Isak." Even hears the whiny voice of a boy saying, coming towards the door.

"I'm very charming that's what it is." the boy who seems to be Isak answers, wait that voice sounds familiar, isn’t that his neighbor? Even listens closer.

"Fuck, you weren't charming, you were rude as hell, a total asshole, you said she looks like the fucking boy from Stranger things." another voice laughs, Even recognizes that voice as well, that’s the boy with the bushy eyebrows.

A fourth voice barks out a laugh before it says "Fuck that was so rude, Issi."

"Shut up." Isak says, but joins in the laughter.

"Yeah I guess we just have to accept that Isak’s the fucking master of pussy.” says the guy with the bushy eyebrows and walks through the door and the rest of the group follows, laughing and proudly taping Isak’s shoulder.

Isak licks his lips and grins, while he steps out the door, his head turns left, his eyes looking right into Even’s blue ones, Even raises one brow, the grin fades from Isak’s lips and he turns his head back to his friends, and if Even’s not mistaken his face became a few shades pinker.

Even slightly shakes his head and grins ‘Master of pussy? We’ll see.’

Even watches the boys walking out the front yard, stopping out there and talking a few more sentences before saying goodbye and splitting their ways. So now the boy from next door has a name. Isak.

 

Even walks down the street to his house, in his mind still Isak’s blushing face and his beautiful laugh and Even’s still disappointed that he didn’t get the chance to talk to him.

When he walks past the neighbor’s house, he sees that there’s still light in Isak’s room, Even smiles at himself and whispers “Next time I’ll get the chance, I’ll talk to you.” 

The house is quiet, so Even assumes his mum’s not home from her shift yet. He walks up to his room, opens the French window and the other window to let in some fresh air, he throws his body on his bed and stares at the ceiling for a few breaths.

Nah, he’s too aroused to sleep, he takes a look at his phone. 2:09. The perfect time to dive his feet in the pool, Even stands up from the bed, grabs the guitar and makes his way down to the pool.

He sits down at the edge of the pool and dives his feet in the chill water, Even thinks about jumping in there with all his clothes on for a short minute but shrugs the idea of again.

He lays down on his back, head resting on his arms, it’s a fucking beautiful night. Even’s eyes wander in the direction of Isak’s room, he can barely see it from there, but he can see that the rooms still illuminated by a slight blue light from a TV or something like that.

Even closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, the crocks are chirping and somewhere in the distance a dog’s barking, a beautiful night, the only thing that’s missing is the soft strain of his guitar.

Even opens his eyes and leans back up again, he grabs his guitar and starts to sing.

Yesterday's gone and
Tomorrow's come way too fast…

…Now I'm wide awake
Thinking of you with every breath I take
And I'm up before you in Pacific Standard time
Trying to find the words to write a perfect rhyme
And it's such a crazy hour
But I just can't get you off my mind
Just can't get you off my mind

****

Isak’s lying on his bed, enjoying the cool night air streaming in from the windows, his laptop is resting beside him on the bed, there’s an episode of Narcos playing, but Isak doesn’t really pay attention to it.

The soft strains of his neighbor’s guitar and his voice are filling the night air again.

Isak’s closes his laptop, his eyes wandering to the ceiling, and his thoughts wandering to his fucking gorgeous neighbor.

The whole party Isak stole glances at the other boy when he thought no one was watching, he saw him smiling, gesticulating wildly with his hands when he told one of his friends a story.

A smile appears on Isak’s lips as he thinks about how his neighbor burst out laughing when a friend told him a funny story. Somehow in that moment Isak was jealous that he wasn’t the one who made him laugh that lustily.

Isak presses one of his pillows on his face, when he remembers the conversation he had with the boys when they left the party. Did he hear something of that fucking crap? Did he hear Jonas calling him the master of pussy? God, Isak wishes so bad he didn’t hear any of that shit.

Isak takes the pillow away from his face and takes a deep breath 'Jesus fucking Christ what is this boy doing to me? I haven’t even spoken to him yet and he’s driving me fucking wild. Love at first sight? Ugh that shit doesn’t really exist, but what else is this?'

…Now I'm wide awake
Thinking of you with every breath I take
And I'm up before you in Pacific Standard time
Trying to find the words to write a perfect rhyme
And it's such a crazy hour
But I just can't get you off my mind
Just can't get you off my mind

Chapter Text

Fredag 15:35-21:03
The boys are walking along the school yard, Magnus and Mahdi are listening to Jonas babbling something about his dumbass teacher, but Isak doesn’t really pay attention to his best friend, he’s too busy trying to find his neighbor somewhere in the crowd of students. The whole fucking week Isak has tried to catch him alone and talk to him, but he never got the chance.

And then Isak's eyes discover him, walking across the yard a beautiful smile gracing his face and a cigarette behind his ear, goddamn he looks fucking good. Isak bits down his bottom lip, his eyes follow him and Isak frowns when he sees that guy from the party, the one who always had his fucking hands somewhere on his neighbor, he’s mirroring Even’s wide smile.

Isak swallows hard and watches how they’re greeting each other, good just a tight hug, like friends do, no kiss or other stuff that indicates that they’re a couple. Great they just seem to be good friends, Isak can't help but smile.

“Everything okay with you?” Jonas asks his bushy brows raised.

“Huh? What? What do you mean?” Isak looks at Jonas with knitted eyebrows, blushing a little.

“Ooh look he’s blushing, guys. We caught him staring. It seems like our master of pussy is in looooveeee.” Magnus sings and pumps his shoulder against Isak’s.

Shit did they notice at whom Isak was staring? Fuck, fuck fuck, Isak opens his mouth wanting to deny what Magnus just said, but he gets interrupt by three girls, who cross their way and cause them to stop. Emma and two of her friends, Isak rolls his eyes internally.

“Hi.” Emma smiles at the boys, her eyes stay on Isak “You got my message?”

“Uhm… Nei.” Isak slightly shakes his head.

“Okay…well we’re hosting a pregame tonight. You guys should come.” Emma smiles.

“Tonight? Uhm… I think we… I don’t know…” Isak stutters, he doesn’t want to go there.

“Sorry Isak’s a little slow, he had a rough day. We would love to come.” Mahdi helps Isak out.

“Cool. I’ll text you the address.” Emma’s eyes are still pinned at Isak.

Isak just nods and forces something like a smile.

“The fuck’s up with you?” Jonas slightly smacks Isak’s back of the head.

“It looks like his brain stopped working because he’s in love with her.” Mahdi laughs and wags his eyebrows.

“Shut up. I’m not in love with her.” Isak groans.

“Uuuh soo in love.” Magnus sighs theatrically, Jonas and Mahdi start laughing.

“I fucking hate you guys.” Isak mumbles and walks away from them.

The boys start to follow him, still laughing, Magnus claps on Isak’s ass and says “No you fucking love us.”

“And that’s why it is your turn to get the beer for the pregame tonight.” Jonas adds and lays his hand on Isak’s shoulder.

Isak exhales loudly and rolls his eyes “Yeah fine.”

He takes leave from his friends and walks to the tram station.

The tram’s late, so Isak leans against the rail and grabs out his phone, checking Facebook and Instagram, Isak rolls his eyes when he gets a text from Emma.

 

Emma 
So cool that you’re coming tonight
I think it'll be insanely good
Are you single?
Sorry, hahaha Maria wrote that.
Just messing around. Hehehe.


Isak exhales loudly, Jesus that girl, if he had known that she promised herself more from their kissing Isak wouldn’t have done it.

He decides to ask Eskild if he could be so kind and buy him the fucking beer for tonight. Isak steps in the tram with the phone pressed to his ear, impatiently waiting for the other one to pick up.

“Grumpy little kitten, how are you doing?” Eskild sings loudly in the phone.

“Don’t call me like that.” Isak groans, the tram’s pretty loaded so Isak has to stand on his way home.

“Okay okay, so how can I help you?” Eskild laughs.

“Uhm I just wanted to ask if you’re home.” Isak says, grabs the pole with his hand and leans his head against it.

“Nei, I’m out with a friend. Do you need anything, beer maybe?” he can hear that Eskild’s grinning, ugh he does know Isak too well.

“It’s pretty scary how well you know me.” Isak laughs “Yeah, but never mind. Sorry for disturbing.”

“Sorry baby, next time I’ll be your knight in shining armor, I promise.” Eskild apologizes.

“Yeah it’s okay, just keep doing whatever you’re doing.” Isak breaths “See you, E.”

“Bye little kitten.” Eskild chirps before hanging up.

Isak takes the phone from his ear, rolls his eyes and mumbles “I’m no fucking grumpy kitten.”

He startles when he notices that someone’s standing right next to him, Jesus Christ hopefully that someone didn’t overhear his conversation on the phone, but probably he heard every fucking word `cause Eskild’s always fucking shouting on the phone. Thank you Eskild, now a complete stranger knows you’re calling me kitten.

Isak looks up from his phone, right into the fucking beautiful face of his neighbor.

‘Ugh fuck Eskild, now this guy I have a total crush on knows that you’re calling me grumpy little kitten.’ Isak rants in his head.

Oh my God what if he interprets this conversation on the phone totally wrong? What if he thinks Eskild’s his boyfriend? Suddenly Isak has the urge to jump out the driving tram.

‘Jesus relax Isak, don’t overthink everything, probably he didn’t hear shit, so take the chance, now you can finally talk to him.’ a voice in his head tries to calm him down.

“Halla. Isak right?” his neighbor smiles at him and Isak's thankful as fuck that he interupts his dump thoughts.

Isak nods, God how fucking amazing his name sounds out of this boy's mouth and if he overheard his conversation on the phone with Eskild, he doesn’t show it “I’m Even, your new neighbor.” he adds still that gorgeous smile on his lips.

“Halla.” Isak smiles and he repeats his name in his head ‘Even’ “Uhm yeah, you moved in last week right? Curios how long you guys stay at that house.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Even knits his eyebrows.

“Uhm you’re like the 5th or 6th renter in 2 years.” Isak explains.

“Oh… uhm I think we’re going stay a little longer, my mum bought the house. So you don’t get rid of me that easy.“ Even grins at him, holy shit, that grin almost throws Isak off his feet.

‘No one said I want to get rid of you.’ Isak almost blurts out, he swallows down the words and asks instead “So you transferred school as well? Can’t remember seeing you around Nissen last year.“

“Yeah had some kind of trouble at my last school, so I’m doing my last year at Nissen.” Even answers, Isak raises one brow, what kind of trouble does he mean? Even seems to read Isak’s question in his face so he adds “It’s a long story, you don’t wanna know.”

That makes Isak even more curios, but it seems like Even doesn’t want to talk about it and Isak doesn’t want to push him.

Isak’s phone goes off, he apologetically smiles at Even and takes the call, Isak can feel Even’s glance on him.

“Hi.” Isak answers the call and turns his head a little away from Even.

“You already took care of the beer?” Jonas says without any greeting.

“Faen Jonas, it’s been like 10 minutes.” Isak breathes and runs his fingers over eyes.

“Beer is important, man.” Jonas laughs at the other end of the line and Isak can hear Magnus shouting something, Isak holds his phone a little away from his ear.

“For fucks sake, tell him to shut up. And chill I’ll take care of it.” Isak hangs up and puts his phone back in his pocket, Jesus Christ why can’t Jonas send him a fucking text.

“Your friends seem to have a good time.” Even chuckles amused.

Isak slightly shakes his head and laughs a little “Yeah, Mags is always so goddamn noisy, when someone around him is on the phone. He’s that guy that moans in the background when you’re talking to your mum.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“Sounds like a fun guy.” Even grins.

“Yeah he has his golden moments.” Isak scoffs.

Isak looks down to his hands, shit he has no clue how to ask Even if he could buy the fucking beer, he takes a deep breath and says “Uhm I know that may sound a little strange but you’re 18 right?”

Even smiles and nods “Yes, I am.”

“Can you please do me a favor?“ Isak asks, looking with puppy eyes at the other boy.

“Uhm okay it depends what favor.“ Even raises an brow.

‘Jesus can that guy stop being so fucking adorable, Jesus it’s almost offensive.’ Isak thinks before he asks “Can you buy me some beer?“

“Alright, I was hoping for something else, but I can do that, sure.“ Even nods, on his lips dances an amused smile.

‘He was hoping for something else? The fuck? What did he mean by saying that?’ Isak asks himself and he has a hard time trying not to fucking blush, Jesus why is he so fucking nervous. 

“Takk, you’re totally saving my ass.” Isak and Even share a smile.

 

****

 

Even knows it wasn’t his best idea to lie about forgetting his ID at home, but he wanted to spend more time with Isak alone and in all his nervousness and excitement he couldn’t think of a better idea than this.

At this point Even didn’t even know if his mum was home or not, the most important thing was that Isak wouldn’t already left.

They're walking down the street to their houses, for a short second Even fears Isak will go home and suggest to meet up later to buy the beer when Even has found his ID, but Isak continues the story he's been telling and follows Even to his house.

Even opens the front door, takes off his shoes and throws his backpack on the floor and shouts “Hello? Mum?”

Even walks towards the kitchen, when he notices a post-it on the mirror in the hallway “Emergency call. 21:30 at the latest, hugs mom.”

‘Yes.’ Even cheers in his head and he has to restrain a wide grin. 

“Is your mum a nurse?” Isak asks interested while they walk up the stairs.

Even laughs, Jesus for that question Isak would earn a deadly glance from his mother, Even turns his head and says “You’re lucky she isn’t here, she hates when people ask her that, she’s a trauma surgeon, tho.”

“Oh really? That’s pretty badass.” Isak raises his eyebrows, he sounds impressed.

“I bet her surgeon ego would love to hear that.” Even winks at him and opens the door to his room.

Even walks in and says “Make yourself at home.” and starts to ‘search’ for his ID, he’s pretty aware of the fact that his masterplan has a few gaps, what happens after he finds it? They'll buy beer and Isak'll go home, Even needs another plan, how can he make Isak stay? Even opens one of the drawers in his desk and starts rummaging in it, acting as if he’s looking for the fucking ID.

In the corner of his eye he can see, that Isak’s sitting cross-legged on his bed, Jesus that makes Even even more nervous, he can feel his face heating up.

He even forgets what he's looking for for a moment, his head's full with thoughts of Isak on and in his bed, goddamn.

Even takes a deep breath, hoping Isak doesn’t recognize that he’s almost freaking out over there at his desk, he takes a short look at the other boy, Isak’s eyes are wandering around the room.

‘Great, that’s great, Even, so he probably didn’t notice that you almost freaked the fuck out because he’s sitting on your fucking bed. Calm the fuck down.’ Even says to himself ‘Now you need a plan to make him stay a little longer, alright?’

Even takes another deep breath, he needs a plan, ‘til he’s figured something out he continues to ‘look for his ID’.

He can hear Isak standing up from the bed, he hears Isak’s fingers gently stroking over the strings of his guitar, Even can feel goosebumps appearing on his back when he thinks about Isak’s fingers stroking gently over his skin.

“Did you draw these?” Isak asks, and pulls Even out of his tender thoughts.

Even turns his head to look at Isak, who’s standing in front of some of his drawings with a slight smile on his face “Yeah. You like them?”

“Mmh. They’re pretty good.” Isak nods and the smile becomes brighter as he looks in Even’s eyes. 

“Yeah? Takk.” Even can’t help but smile as well, seeing Isak in his room, walking around so comfortable makes Even’s heart flutter, and if Even wasn’t falling for him before, he definitely starts falling for him at this right moment.

Isak continues to walk around the room, Even’s eyes wander back to the drawer and then the plan he’s been desperately searching for gets handed to him on a silver platter, he grabs the little box and opens it and smiles “Look what we got here.”

“You found it?” Isak turns his head towards Even and Isak’s face lights up when he sees the blunt between Even’s fingers “That’s definitely better than your ID.”

Even opens the French window, they sit down on the tiled floor of the balcony facing one another. They share a few stories about their lives, about school and friends, Even listens carefully at every word that Isak speaks, Even’s heart almost bursts with every smile and laugh Isak gives him.

Isak’s eyes wander out in the garden, Even’s eyes stay pinned to his face, he needs to fight back the nagging urge to lean forward and place a kiss on Isak’s soft lips.

Isak’s stomach growling brings Even’s mind back to where it belongs and he laughs “Are you hungry?”

Isak blushes a little and confesses “Actually I’m starving.”

Even stands up and says “Come on. Let’s find you something to eat. What do you think about some cheese toasties?”

“I guess that’s just the weed speaking out of me but cheese toasties sound like a fucking feast.” Isak smiles brightly.

 

****


It’s surprising how comfortable Isak feels around Even – he’s still nervous as fuck tho, but that’s just because he has a massive fucking crush on the other boy – it’s so fucking easy to talk to him, to laugh with him, to be just himself.

When Isak’s around his friends he sometimes feels like playing a role, mostly because they don’t know that he’s not into girls and somehow he’s too fucking afraid to tell them, too afraid of what they might think of him, too afraid to lose them.

Isak sits on the kitchen counter watching Even preparing their cheese toasties and searching for different spices to put them on their meal. Isak’s phone pings, he rolls his eyes and puts it out.

 

Jonas
When should we be at Emma’s?
Did you get the beer?
Answer.


“What about chili and rosemary?” Even raises one eyebrow.

Isak takes his eyes from his phone and smiles “You kidding? Always chili and loads of rosemary.”

“Okay chili and loads of rosemary.” Even chuckles and adds the spices on their toasties.

Isak looks back on his phone, reading the messages from Emma.  

 

Emma
Hey we start the pregame at 19:00.
Maria lives in Torshov, just call me when
you guys are at the 7-eleven, I’ll pick you
up there. When are you guys coming?


“Hmm Cinnamon?” Even asks with a smile on his lips.

“Uhm, yeah sure, fuck it.” Isak shrugs and mirrors Even’s smile.

“Jesus I bet this will taste like balls.” Even laughs.

Isak slightly shakes his head but grins ‘What an adorable dork he is.’

“But there’s no turning back now.” Even says seriously.

Isak slightly nods and repeats “There’s no turning back now.”

Yeah he’s right there’s no fucking turning back now, there has been no turning back since Isak saw Even for the first time, he takes a deep breath and quickly replies to the messages.  

 

To Jonas
Sorry man, Emma and her friends
cancelled the pregame soooo I think
I’m just gonna chill at home.


To Emma
Sorry we forgot some other stuff we
were doing, but we’ll join another time.

 
Isak can feel Even’s glance on him, he puts the phone back in his pocket and looks into Even’s blue eyes and the other boy asks “Should we put it in the oven?”

“Sure. Let’s do it.” Isak smiles and Even nods.

 

****


Isak's sitting on Even's terrace, he closes his eyes for a short second, on his lips a slight smile, he takes a deep breath, inhaling the light summer breeze, it's a really beautiful fucking day, not only because of the weather.

Isak opens his eyes when he hears steps appearing, he turns his head, Even's standing there smiling brighter than the sun with two plates in his hands “Dinner's ready.”

That smile makes Isak's heart beat even faster than it already does, Jesus Christ is this what falling in love feels like?

He places one plate in front of Isak and sits down in the chair right beside him, Isak smiles at him “Takk.”

Even takes a bite and grimaces “Hmm something tastes not quite right.”

Isak starts to laugh and tastes the toasties himself, as soon as the bite hits his taste buds, he knows what Even’s talking about “Jesus, it tastes absolutely awful.”

Even barks out a laugh “So bad that it's good?”

Isak takes another bite and grimaces “Nei, it's getting worse with every bite. You definitely used too much spices.”

“Uhm hello? I asked you and you wanted me to put them on the toasties tho.” Even defends his cooking skills.

“Hey don't blame me, I'm the guest.” Isak holds his hands up in defense and laughs “You know, the most important thing is kardemomme.”

“Oh that's the trick for it to be good?” Even smiles.

“Mmh loads of kardemomme.” Isak grins.

Then the sound of the doorbell interrupts them, Even knits his eyebrows and stands up from up his seat “It's probably just Mrs. Haugsen from across the street.”

Isak leans back in his chair, he follows Even with his eyes and he sees that the other boy's brushing his fingers through his hair in frustration, Even turns his head to Isak and mouths a silent “Sorry.” towards him.

Isak knits his eyebrows and looks questioningly at him, but Even's glance is back on the door and he slowly opens it, he puts on a smile and says “Soni, halla.”

“Hi.” Isak hears the voice of a girl saying, then Isak sees to whom the voice belongs, a beautiful blond girl steps in the house, a bright warm smile at her face when she pulls Even in a tight hug.

Sonja's eyes fall on Isak, for a short second she frowns and suddenly it seems like she feels uncomfortable. Isak decides to stand up, walk in and say hello to her.

Even smiles as Isak's walking in, he lays a hand on Sonja's shoulder and says “Sonja, Isak. Isak, Sonja.”

“Hi.” Isak smiles at her and stretches his hand towards her.

“Halla.” Sonja takes his hand and shakes it, Isak can't tell the look on her face.

Even takes a deep breath before he says softly “Didn’t know you were coming.”

“Uhm I just wanted to take a look at the new house, Ida said it's okay if I come over. I mean you neither answered my calls nor my texts, so I decided to just come and yeah here I am.” Sonja forces a smile and nervously plays with her fingers.

Isak feels more and more uncomfortable in that tense situation between Sonja and Even, what the hell is going on here?

Sonja looks at Even with raised eyebrows, turns around and walks in the kitchen, Even sighs and looks apologetically at Isak, before he follows her.

Isak's thankful as fuck, that he isn't longer part of that awkward situation, but he's curios as fuck why this girl is here, he knows it's shitty to overhear their conversation but Isak can't help.

“So what are you doing here?” Even's voice sounds paltry irritated.

“Ev, I miss you that's why I'm here.” Sonja says softly.

“Soni, we already talked about this, like hundreds of times.” Even sighs.

“I know you said you need space, time and whatever, but you can't act like I'm not even existing, fuck, I'm still somehow your girlfriend.” Sonja says.

Isak eyes widen, THE FUCK? Sonja is somehow Even's girlfriend, Isak swallows hard, he closes his eyes for a short second and takes a deep breath, this can't be true, this must be a fucking joke, God please let that be a fucking joke, he's falling in love with this guy and he somehow has a girlfriend, and what the actual fuck does somehow mean?

“Can we please talk about this another time.” Even exhales loudly, the conversation seems to be very uncomfortable for him.

“Okay, fine. Sorry for interrupting whatever you guys are doing.” Isak can hear that Sonja's pretty upset.

Sonja walks out the kitchen with quick steps, before she walks out the front door, she darts a dirty look at Isak.

Even walks out the kitchen and sighs “Sorry.”

“She seems nice, tho.” Isak says and looks at Even with one of his eyebrows raised.

“Uhm yeah. She is..was my girlfriend, we're on a break. And now she's losing her shit 'cause she can't control it.”

“Okay.” Isak doesn't know why Even is telling him that, but this words calm him down a little, it's good that Even wants that break, that's fucking good.

Even exhales loudly “It's a little complicated.”

“A little?” Isak asks sarcastically.

“Yeah.” Even smiles and scratches his neck and asks “What do you think about another beer?” Isak welcomes that change of subject with a bright smile and an affirmative nod.

Even jogs in the kitchen, to get the beer, Isak sits down at the chair again, when his phone pings, he quickly grabs it out to look who texted him.

 


Mahdi
Why are you lying?
Talked to Emma and her friends.


Even walks out on the terrace two beers in his hands, a warm smile on his lips, Isak looks up at him and mirrors his smile, goddamn this boy's a pretty good reason to lie.


 ****


Even wasn't quite sure how Isak would act after the short visit of Sonja, after finding out that she's kind of his girlfriend. Even wanted to tell Isak about her, he didn't want him to find it out that way, but that smile on Isak's lips when he steps out at the terrace again comforts Even.

It only takes them a few minutes to fall back in a pleasant conversation, Even starts to relax again, Isak doesn't seem to be pretty upset about Sonja’s visit, but Even isn't quite sure if this is a good or a bad sign.

Maybe Even interprets too much in the afternoon they spent together, maybe Isak's smiling that bright at everyone, maybe he looks at everyone with that shining eyes, maybe it's just the way he is.

When Even gave Isak the bottle of beer and their fingers touched for a short second, Even felt a warm lighting rush through his whole body. Even noticed that Isak's eyes widened a little and blushed when this little touch happened, does that mean he felt that as well?

Isak's telling a story about a party he was a few weeks ago, he barks out a laugh and Even can't help but join him and again Even needs to fight back that nagging urge to cup Isak's face with his hands, pull him closer and kiss his soft lips.

The boys are so riveted by their conversation that none of them notice Even's mum coming home, both of them startle when she says “Halla boys.”

Both their heads dart up to Even's mum, Even jumps up from his chair, lays a hand on his mum's shoulder and stutters “Mum this is Isak, our neighbor.”

Isak stands up from his chair and shakes her hand, she smiles at him “Halla Isak, nice to meet you, I'm Ida.”

“Halla Ida.” Isak smiles at her.

“It's nice that Even finds new friends in the neighborhood.“ Ida lays a hand on Even's back and gently strokes up and down.

“Mum come on that's embarrassing, that sounds like I'm a weirdo with no friends.“ Even rolls his eyes, he has a really hard time trying not to blush.

“Ev honey, I'm just saying.“ Ida chuckles, Isak joins her.

Even wants to step on her feet, does she need to be that embarrassing, Even tries his best to look cool in front of Isak and his mother destroys his hard work in a few seconds, Even rolls his eyes internally.

“Yeah mum I know. Aren't you tired from work?“ Even smiles sweetly at her and hopes that she catches the hint.

Even notices the soft smile on Isak's face, he doesn't seem to feel uncomfortable around his mother, he looks quite relaxed.

Ida looks for a short second between the two boys, she smiles at Isak and looks at Even again “Yeah you're right Ev, I should take a shower and go to bed. Good night, honey. Good night, Isak.”

“Night, mum.” Even places a kiss on her cheek.

“Night Ida, was nice meeting you.” Isak smiles.

Ida gives Isak a soft smile before she walks back in the house and up the stairs.

Isak phones pings, he pulls it out and looks at the screen, Even's watching him, seems like Isak got a very interesting text, Even can't tell the look on the other boy’s face, Isak looks taking aback but on his lips is a little smile.

“Everything okay?” the words are out of Even's mouth quicker than he can think.

“Yeah my mum actually asked where I am.” Isak mumbles, eyes still pinned to the screen of his phone.

“Is that so uncommon?” Even frowns, and then Isak looks up, are his eyes moist?

Even has the feeling it's not a quite common thing that Isak's mum is worried about her son, he realizes he hasn't seen Isak's mom yet, wheter out in the garden nor somewhere else around the house and Isak didn't mention her the whole afternoon and Even immediately regrets his insensitive question.

“I should go home before she gets even more worried.” Isak says and puts the phone back in his pocket.

“Yeah.” Even nods, there are so many things Even wants to say, but he doesn't know how and where to start.

“Night, Even.” Isak smiles, turns around and walks towards the hedges.

“Night, Isak.” Even smiles and watches the other boy walking across the yard.

Before Isak disappears between the hedges, he says with a grin on his lips “Thanks for the cheese toasties, but for the next time you should get some kardemomme.”

Even scoffs and walks back in the house, “Next time.” he whispers to himself and a bright smile appears on his face.

 

****


“Mum?” Isak whispers, peeking in her dimly lit room, he can feel the fresh breeze coming in from the open windows.

“Isak?” his mom says with a soft voice, she's sitting leaned against the headboard of her bed.

He opens the door fully and steps in the room, closing the door behind him, he walks with slow steps to his mom's bed.

“Where have you been?” she smiles at him, and for a second Isak thinks someone has exchanged his mum while he was away.

“I hung out with the new neighbor.” Isak climbs on the bed and sits down beside her.

“You had a good day?” his mom asks and lays her hand on his and caresses it gently.

For a moment sadness rolls over Isak, he feels like crying, he leans his head against her shoulder and wraps an arm around her “Yeah it was a really great day.”

His mom wraps her arm around him and gently strokes his shoulder, Isak wants to hold on this moment, hold on this mom 'til the rest of time, Isak quickly wipes away a tear that escaped his eye.

“Is everything okay, honey?” her voice sounds a little worried.

“Yeah.” Isak whispers.


You never know when you're
gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world,
in a moment, comes undone
You're just walking around then suddenly
Everything that you thought that
you knew about love is gone
You find out it's all been wrong
And all my scars don't seem to matter anymore
'Cause they led me here to you


Isak closes his eyes, his mom brushes her fingers through his hair, the wind takes the familiar strains of Even's guitar in the room “You hear that? Our new neighbor's playing again.” Isak can hear that she's smiling “He has a beautiful voice.”


I know that it's gonna take some time
I've got to admit that the thought
has crossed my mind

That this might end up like it should
And I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to God that it don't scare you away
Don't want to be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that
This could be the start of something good


A smile appears on Isak's lips “Yeah he has. He’s great.”

Isak falls asleep, his mother's arm wrapped around him and the sound of Even's guitar and his soothing voice in his ears.


'Cause I don't know where it's going
There's a part of me that loves not knowing
Just don't let it end before we begin
You never know when
you're gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world in
a moment comes undone

I know that it's gonna take some time
I've got to admit that the thought
has crossed my mind

That this might end up like it should
And I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to God that it don't scare you away
I don't want to be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe
That this could be the start of something good

Chapter Text

Lørdag 22:59

Even’s half listening to Theo and two girls discussing something about the pros and cons of a gap year, his eyes are desperately searching for Isak in the party crowd.

Even's heart makes a jump, when his eyes discover the other boy. Isak’s leaning against the wall, a slight smile on his face and he’s talking to Sana, Vilde and one of his friends, standing next to him.

Even lays a hand on Theo's shoulder and says “Be right back, T.” Theo only nods, still deeply engaged in the discussion with the two girls.

Even makes his way through the party crowd, his eyes fixed on Isak, Isak looks at Sana and raises one of his brows and let’s his eyes wander around the crowd.

When their eyes meet, a smile appears on Isak's lips, shit that makes Even's heart race even more.

Even feels a small hand on his arm, he turns around and sighs when he looks into Sonja's gloomy face.

“Halla.” she lets go of Even's arm, a tentative smile on her lips.

“Hei.” Even forces a little smile and brushes his fingers through his hair.

“I didn't know you were coming. Elise and Emma dragged me here.” Sonja says excusatory.

“It's okay Soni. Don't worry.” Even lays a hand on her arm to comfort her.

“Can.. can we talk for a second?” Sonja asks, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

“Okay.” Even nods, seeing Sonja so unsecure and fragile breaks Even's heart, he just can't turn a deaf ear to her, he doesn't want to hurt her even more than he already has.

Sonja grabs Even's hand and she intertwines their fingers, and somehow it feels like their fingers doesn't seem to fit into one another anymore, it feels kinda wrong and Even asks himself if Sonja's feeling that too or if it's just him.

****

Isak's heart skips a beat and a smile appears on his lips as soon as his eyes find Even in the middle of the dancing crowd.

Wait is he coming over here? It definitely looks like he's coming over to him, Isak's heart starts to race, he nervously prepares the words he wants to say in his mind.

'Okay Isak, calm down, don't act strange around him and try to look not too happy to see him, okay? You don't want anyone to get suspicious, right?' Isak says to himself.

But before Even is even somewhere in the near of Isak he stops his steps and turns around, someone stopped him in his tracks, Isak silently groans when he sees Sonja behind Even. They talk for a few seconds, Even nods, Sonja grabs his hand and they disappear in a room.

'Fyfaen.' Isak breaths angrily, he downs the rest of his beer and grimaces.

Isak turns his glance back to his friends, Magnus is telling the girls something about the encounter he had with Sara and Ingrid tonight, Isak tries to follow their conversation, but his glance and thoughts wander back every few seconds to the room Even and Sonja disappeared in.

What are they doing in there? Are they doing it? Is their break over? The fuck is happening inside this room?

Thankfully the other three are pretty engaged with backbiting about the Pepsi Max girls, so they don't notice that Isak stares blankly at that damn door.

Minutes tick away 'til Even and Sonja come out of that room, enough time to... Isak doesn't want to think about that.

Sonja smiles and they hug each other, Even's hand strokes gently up and down her back. He says something to her, she nods and smiles.

Isak takes his eyes of that scene, 'It's complicated, huh? Doesn't look very complicated to me, for fucks sake, Even.' Isak screams in his head.

Anger takes root in Isak's stomach, he grabs the beer from Magnus' hand and takes a swip.

Magnus looks with wide eyes at him, grabs the beer back and shouts indignantly “Hey, get yourself a fucking one, asshole.”

“Yeah, yeah calm the fuck down, it was just a sip.” Isak rolls his eyes, ignoring the looks on Sana’s and Vilde's face.

Fuck, did he interpret all those signals from Even wrong, were there even any signals, shit did he see things that weren't even there? Shit.

Isak needs some fresh air, he needs to get out of that shit of a scene, he needs to be alone for a second, he needs to breathe before he loses his shit in front of everyone.

Isak walks out on the terrace, walks across the yard and lets his body sink against a tree, he takes a deep breath, this day started so good and now everything goes to shit.

He twitches when his phone pings, he pulls it out from his pocket, a small smile flashes over his lips as he reads the message and replies.

 

Mum: Hanging out with friends again, honey?

Isak: Yeah, could be late.

Mum: Ok. Take care.

Isak: Don't worry. You don't need to stay up.

Mum: I'm always worried about my boy. Love you.

 

****


Even makes his way back to his friends, still a little irritated from the conversation he had with Sonja a few minutes ago, Jesus fucking Christ why can't she just let it be, how often does she want to hear that Even doesn't want to be with her at the moment, that he can't be with her.

Even wanted to tell her that he fell head over heels for someone else, but a party wasn't the right place to tell her about his feelings for Isak.

Even's glance wanders over the crowd, he can't find Isak anywhere, Even sighs and groans silently to himself “Thank you very much Sonja.”

Even decides to calm down a little before he'll search for Isak, he steps to his friends and forces a smile, Theo lays an arm around Even's shoulder and cheers “Hey Ev, where have you been, already missed your ass.”

“Sure T. Just had a talk with Sonja, again.” Even sighs.

“Oh man she's here? Everything alright?” Theo asks with one brow raised.

“Yeah everything fine, just you know, it's always the same.” Even shrugs and slightly shakes his head.

“Okay I know that it's not fine, but we're talking about this tomorrow okay? A party isn't the right place for this.” Theo rubs Even's shoulder, he smiles at his friend and adds “Now Ev baby, we'll get you a beer and you'll see the world will look a little better.”

Even nods and smiles, he's really thankful that somehow Theo always seems to find the right words to calm him down and put a smile on his face, even when he doesn't feel like it at all.

Theo and Even walk out of the kitchen when Even discovers Isak on the dance floor, he has a slight smile on his face, Even wants to turn his head to Theo to say that he wants to say hello to his neighbor, but then Even notices that Isak isn't alone over there, he's there with a girl. Even recognizes that girl, she's a friend of Sonja, Emma, if he's not mistaken.

Isak looks up and their glances meet for a short second before Isak looks back to Emma, he leans down to her and kisses her.

Even watches the scene with wide eyes, Isak opens his eyes again and looks right into Even's blue eyes while Emma places kisses on his cheek and jaw.

The fuck is happening here? Even feels like being in the wrong fucking movie, he takes his eyes off them and groans “What the fuck?” he wants to race over the dance floor and rip them apart.

Theo looks at him with a more than surprised look on his face “Even what's up? Is everything okay?”

Even puts the bottle of beer down on the speaker right beside him and says “I need to go home. I feel like throwing up.” before he races out the house, leaving a baffled and speechless Theo behind.


****


Søndag 01:26

Isak's walking home, he's a little tipsy, but not drunk enough to forget about the things that happened tonight.

Why the fuck did he kiss Emma? Again? Oh yeah he did it to score off Even, what a fucking childish dick move, but Even deserved it, he went in that fucking room with Sonja and they did whatever the fuck they did, Isak doesn't even want to know.

Isak sneaks in the house, it's quiet, his mom seems to be asleep, Isak walks in his room and climbs out his window on the awning, he needs to think about the shit that went down tonight.

He lays there on his back, arms crossed behind his head, looking in the stars and thinking about how this day could end so fucking shitty, when it began so good.

He woke up from dreaming the whole fucking night of Even, in the arms of his mum, every other boy his age would be ashamed of that fact, but he isn't- Isak absorbs these rare moments with his mum like a sponge, he enjoys every second when his mom is actually his mom and not the crazy women, who lives in the room across the floor, because from experience these moments don’t last forever, actually they’re pretty brief.

Even the boys were easy to calm down, sure they gave him shit for lying about the whole pregame shit, but Isak apologized and promised to fix another pregame and to find a fucking awesome party for that night. When they showed up at the party tonight, he was fucking ready for a great night, everything seemed to be fucking perfect and then everything had to go to shit.

Isak turns his head a little, there's no light in Even's room, but the living room is dimly lit, but that's probably just Ida.

Is Even with Sonja? Is their break over? Are they back together? Is Sonja over there, in Even's room, in Even's bed? Did he left the party so early to...?

Isak swallows hard, his heart starts racing and he whispers to himself “Calm the fuck down Isak. It's not like it's your business, he's not your fucking boyfriend and you have no right to be upset, you let Emma lick your fucking face while you looked him right in the fucking eyes.” Isak sighs and presses his balms against his eyes, why does he always have to fuck things up?

Isak can hear the strains of a guitar, but they're quite silent today, Isak sits up, he wants to know what Even's playing and if he's alone, or if he's playing for Sonja, he just needs to know.

Isak slips through the hedges and sneaks up to Even’s house, he quietly steps on the terrace and takes a tiny peek in the living room. Isak exhales relieved, Even is sitting there alone, the guitar on his lap, his eyes closed, singing the lines of the song he's playing.


Somebody said you got a new friend

Does she love you better than I can?
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at, I bet she's around

And yeah, I know it's stupid
But I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not
the guy you're taking home,
I keep dancing on my own


Isak sits down at the edge of the terrace and listens to Even's song, he leans his head against the wall and closes his eyes. Even's voice sounds sad, fuck is he singing about him? Nei, why would Even be upset with him? Because he danced with Emma and kissed her? Nei, it’s definitely about Sonja, they are a couple, right? At least somehow and they were in that room together.

Isak feels the urge to swing open the French door, go in there and wrap his arms around Even, rock him and whisper softly in his ear 'Everything's gonna be fine, baby.'

Baby? What the fuck? Isak frowns and shakes his head about his own thoughts, wasn't he mad at Even an hour ago? And now he’s thinking about comforting him and whispering beautiful things in his ear, Jesus Christ there’s no way to deny that he’s really falling in fucking love with this boy.


Sit down in the corner, watching you kiss her,
And I'm right over here, why can't you see me,
And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home,
I keep dancing on my own

So far away, but still so near
The lights come up, the music dies
But you don't see me standing here


The song ends and Isak takes a deep breath, he slowly stands up and whispers to himself “Okay, maybe but just maybe you’re the reason he’s upset and there’s just this minimal chance that song could have been about you, so knock on that fucking window and try to cheer him up.”

Isak walks to the French door and slightly knocks on the glass, Even startles and quickly raises his head, he looks a little surprised when he recognizes it's Isak, but there is no smile on his lips.

Isak feels a small sting in his chest, fuck he shouldn't have come here, Even doesn't want to see him.

Even stands up from the couch, puts the guitar aside and walks towards the French window to open it, he slips out and says quietly “Halla.”

“Hei, are you always up that late playing heartbreaking songs?” Isak asks with a slight smile on his face, Jesus why the fuck is he so fucking nervous.

“That's what I live for.” Even forces a small smile “You want a beer, one for the road?”

“Yeah sure.” Isak nods, he studies Even's face before the other boy goes back in to get the beer, shit Even really seems to be glum.

Even’s reaching him a bottle of beer, they sit down beside each other on the wooden floor at the edge of the terrace, looking in the darkness of the yard.

Isak’s glances at Even it seems like he has something on his mind, but he doesn't seem to find the right words to speak it out, Isak's hoping that it's nothing about Sonja, if the other boy will spill his guts on him about her, he’ll probably jump in the pool and drown.

After a long moment Even eventually breaks the silence “You had fun at the party?” Even really tries not to sound as bitter as he is, he tries his best to sound as casual as possible.

“Hmm it was nice, I guess, but the cobs crashed it at 0:00 and kicked everyone out.” Isak shrugs.

Even nods, but then he frowns “That was like an hour and a half ago.”

Is Even curious what Isak did in that lapse of time, did Even want to know if he was with Emma?

“Missed the tram, so I walked the whole way. Enjoying the night and shit.” Isak leans back on his hands.

“By foot?” Even scoffs and raises his eyebrows.

“Yes? What's so funny about that?” Isak looks played sulky at him.

“Nothing.” slightly shakes his head and looks down at his hands “Just thought you stayed and helped Emma and her friends cleaning up.”

“Pfff nei. I was the first who got the hell outta there.” Isak grins.

Even looks up again and raises on of his brows, Isak grabs in his pocket and pulls out a small plastic bag with weed in it and winks.

“Oh now I understand.” Even smiles, finally there it is that smile Isak wants to see, his heart makes a jump.

“You want some?” Isak asks.

“Sure.” Even shrugs.

Isak rolls a blunt and asks casually “So you were there with Sonja?”

“Sonja? Nei, I just met her there. She wanted to talk. Again.” Even rolls his eyes.

According to Even's eye roll they definitely weren't in the room to do the things Isak had on his mind, shit now he feels even worse for kissing Emma.

Even pumps his knee against Isak's, a pleasant warmth wanders from his knee through his whole body, Isak’s so surprised about this feeling that the blunt almost falls out his fingers.

“But Emma, she's a nice girl, she seems really into you.” Even takes the blunt out of Isak's fingers, lights it and takes a puff.

Isak shrugs and starts to nervously play with his hands “Yeah she's keen, but a little too much, but she's okay, I guess.”

Even barks out a laugh “Faen Isak, that sounds very enthusiastic.”

Isak smirks, Even's laugh makes Isak's heart flutter, and his name out of Even's mouth, god what is this guy doing to him?

Isak grabs the blunt back and drags on it, deeply inhaling the smoke, Even looks at him and bites down his bottom lip before he asks “You ever tried a blowback?”

Isak swallows hard and answers “Nei.”

“You wanna try it?” Even raises his eyebrows.

“Okay.” Isak shrugs, he tries to play it cool, but shit he's nervous as fuck.

Even puts the blunt reversed in his mouth and forms a tube around his mouth with his hands.

Isak needs to hold back a giggle, leans forward lays his slightly shaking hands around Even's, he inhales the smoke and what he's feeling in this right moment, looking into Even's blue eyes has nothing to do with the weed they're smoking.

Isak's heart beats so fast and loud, he's afraid Even could hear it, Isak puts his hands back down still looking in Even's blue eyes.

Even puts the blunt out of his mouth and a smile appears on his face, Isak feels his cheeks heating up, Jesus there's nothing more he wants to do than placing a kiss on Even's soft lips, but he doesn't dare to make the first move, so he insecurely looks down on his hands.

Isak notices that Even moves even closer, in the corner of his eyes he sees Even's hand slowly moving towards his chin, Even's leaning forward, Isak takes a deep breath, oh god is this really happening, Isak swallows hard, his heart beats even faster than it already did a few minutes ago.

Isak feels Even's finger on his chin, slowly tilting it up, their eyes meet, Isak can feel his breath on his cheek, Isak starts to lean forward, but their head's dart apart when they hear Ida shouting inside “Ev? Are you out there?

“Faen.” Even breaths and runs his fingers through his hair, Isak almost chuckles about Even's irritated expression.

Even throws the blunt on the ground and stubs it out with his foot, he sighs and stands up. Before he goes in the living he glances at Isak, looking from his eyes to his lips, a smile appears on his lips.

'Holy fucking shit.' Isak shouts in his head, he takes a deep breath to calm down a little, Isak stands up to say hello to Ida, Isak's knees are shaking.

Isak glances in the living room, Even hugs his mother, she says something to him and Even shakes his head and looks innocently at her.

Isak slowly steps in the living room and smiles “Halla Ida.”

“Hei Isak.” Ida walks towards him and pulls him into a warm hug.

“You two had a fun night?” she asks when she let go of Isak.

Isak really tries not to blush, thinking about what almost happened a few seconds ago, he licks his lips and nods “Yeah the party was pretty cool.”

He takes a quick look at Even, who raises one of his eyebrows, an amused grin on his lips.

“Great you guys had fun. Wish I could say the same.” Ida exhales loudly, and Isak notices the dark circles under her eyes, she looks really tired.

“Rough shift?” Isak asks.

“You can fucking tell. I need a shower and my fucking bed.” Ida smiles tiredly.

“Mum you really need to stop swearing that much.” Even rolls his eyes.

“Sorry honey.” Ida smiles at him, she lays a hand on Even's cheeks and says “Good night, boys.” and walks up the stairs, leaving the two boys alone.

Isak feels Even's glance on him and he asks “What?”

“You're really good with mums, huh?” Even smiles softly at him “Can't remember she ever hugged Theo and he's my friend since like Kindergarten.”

Isak chuckles “That's because Theo isn't as charming as I am. I mean who doesn't want a hug from me, who could resist?”

“Yeah who could resist?” Even says quietly, more to himself than to Isak.

“Huh?” Isak raises one of his brows.

“I think the J was a little too much for you, you're getting all cocky and shit.” Even laughs to cover what he said first.

“Yeah you're probably right. It's already late, I should go home and hug my pillow and blanket.” Isak smirks and licks his lips.

“Yeah, you should definitely do that.” Even chuckles and nods.

Chapter Text

Torsdag 17:23

Isak steps out in the yard and takes a deep breath, he's been home for like 1 hour and he's already exhausted as fuck. Isak already knew it would be a bad day when he walked in the house and his mom looked at him with wild eyes and asked who the hell he is and what he's doing in her house. It was a big piece of work to calm her down, lead her to her room and convince her from the idea that sleep would be good for her.

Isak knows that good moments with his mom are very rare and short living but every time she slips back in her crazy behavior it feels like a fucking slap in the face and every time it breaks Isak's heart a bit more seeing his mom like this.

When he received a text with a bible verse in school, he knew that his mom was gone and the insane women who lives across the floor was back again.

Maybe she's freaking out because her sister, Malin, called on Monday and said she would pick her up on Friday and take care of her for one or two weeks, Isak was relieved as fuck when she called and suggested that.

Isak lays down in the hammock and closes his eyes for a few seconds, usually he's not the type to smoke weed during the week, but today he has the feeling he would definitely use a smoke, he has an odd feeling that there's more to come.

He grabs out the blunt from his pocket and lights it, he inhales the smoke deeply, keeps it in his lungs for a few seconds before he breathes it out again.

Isak lays one hand behind is head and looks at the sky. He hears voices in Even's yard, Even and Ida, they seem to have an argument, but not a serious one.

“Mum, no, I'm not gonna play this song. The neighbors will hear it and that'll be fucking embarrassing.” Even says.

“Fuck it, Ev. Who gives a shit what they think?” Ida laughs.

“Damn mum watch your mouth.” Isak can hear that Even rolls his eyes.

“Why don't you like it when I'm cursing?” Ida asks.

“Because you're an adult women, and they shouldn't curse like sailors.” Even answers.

Isak smiles, these two have such a great relationship, he wishes he could be so carefree and happy with his mother, he wishes his mother could be the way she was past weekend on every fucking single day.

But unfortunately it isn't like that and on days like this he wants to pack his shit again and disappear forever.

Before Isak can deepen his thoughts, he hears the familiar strains of Even's guitar.

“Oh honey, thank you.” Ida claps her hands.

Even interrupts his playing and states “Okay, okay but I'm not gonna sing that song with you and I'm just playing it this once okay. I'm not gonna support your sick obsession with Bret Michaels.”

“Shut up honey and play.” Ida chuckles.

The melody starts from the beginning, Ida starts to sing, Isak closes his eyes and listens to his neighbors.

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside
Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn…

 

The voice of Ida sounds amazing, Isak smiles to himself, Even definitely inherit his talent from her, then Even's deep voice supersedes Ida's.


Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has it ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has it's dawn

 

They sing the rest of the song together...


…But now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife


The song's over and Isak slowly opens his eyes, he totally forgot about the blunt between his fingers, burning ashes falls down in his laps and he startles “Shit.”

He wants to quickly rub it away, but his quick movement causes him to get out of balance and he falls out the hammock, he curses even louder “Fyfaen.”

Isak stands up from the ground and brushes the dirt from his clothes when Even appears between the hedges and asks “Is everything okay over here?”

“Yeah, just fall out that goddamn thing.” Isak nods towards the hammock.

Even barks out a laugh, Isak's a little embarrassed because now Even knows that he listened to him and his mom, he wants to cover it and says as casual as possible “Ida has a great voice, tho.”

“Yeah she was in a band before she became surgeon, seems like I got my so called talent from her.” Even smiles at Isak.

Isak nods, and then an idea comes to his mind, the boys decided Isak will host a pregame tomorrow and of course he needs alcohol for it, first he wanted to ask Eskild but it would be the perfect pretense to spend time with Even, so he asks “Even, can you do me favor?”

Even laughs lightly and shrugs “Okay, I guess you need beer again, right?”

“Uhm yeah my friends decided I'm gonna host a pregame tomorrow, so I think I'll need a little more than beer this time.” Isak scratches the back of neck.

“Sure we can do that.” Even nods and he smiles brightly at Isak.

“Yeah? Great.” Isak tries to hold back his enthusiasm, Jesus just the thought of spending time with Even makes his heart race like crazy.

“Yeah just come over tomorrow afternoon after school, then we can go on a little shopping tour.” Even winks before he disappears between the hedges again, leaving Isak standing there with a fond smile on his face.

****

Even jogs back to the house, he walks through the living room towards the stairs, Ida peeks out of the kitchen and asks "Is there a reason for that precious smile on your face?" She leans against the door frame and studies the face of her son.

"Hmm? No." Even blushes and quickly looks away from his mom, quickly continuing his way to the stairs.

"Okay if you say so, honey." Ida chuckles and heads back in the kitchen.

Even climbs the stairs and opens the door to his room, he throws his body on his bed and looks at the ceiling.

Isak obviously asked him because he's over eighteen but Even asks himself if he also asked him 'cause he actually wants to spend time with him, Jesus he wants to believe that so bad, after all they almost kissed last weekend, so it isn't that farfetched.

Even still execrates his mother for disturbing them, their lips were so fucking close, Even already felt Isak's warm breath on his lips, they were just a few tiny inches away from each other.

Even worked up his whole fucking courage to make this move and his mom destroyed it with her fucking 'perfect' timing.

Even's phone goes off, he twitches, he grabs it out of his pocket and takes the call "Halla T. What's up?"

"Hei Ev. Uhm are you home? I'm in the neighborhood and I ..."

"The door's open come on in." Even chuckles, hangs up and gets up from his bed.

He hears Theo and his mum exchanging a few nice words downstairs, followed by steps on the stairs and then his door swings open "Halla." Theo steps in the room with a bright smile on his face and hugs Even.

"Hei." Even claps his hand on Theo's shoulder "To what do I owe the honor?"

"I just want to pay my best friend a visit." Theo says innocently.

"Okay, okay. If you say so I want to believe you." Even chuckles.

"So what are your plans for today?" Theo sits down on Even's bed.

"Actually I wanted to chill at the pool." Even leans against the desk.

"Great idea. Can I join?" Theo smiles and wags his eyebrows.

"You got some trunks on under your forbidden skinny jeans?" Even laughs.

"Nei, asshole, I'll borrow one of yours or I'll go in my birth suit." Theo kicks his foot after Even.

"Jesus Christ no one wants to see that." Even makes a face and walks to the wardrobe to grab out some trunks for them and throws the one for Theo in his face. 

They walk down to the pool, talking and laughing, when they arrived at the pool they take a run and jump in the pool together.

They swim to the edge of the pool and lay their heads on their hands, Theo looks at Even and asks "So last week at that party, you still haven't told me why you suddenly left."

Even takes a deep breath "Of course I did, I said I wasn't feeling well."

"Ev baby. Come on." Theo raises one of his brows "Was it because of Sonja?"

"Nei, it wasn't because of her. It's just...I guess it was just a misunderstanding and I got a little jealous..." Even sighs.

"Jealous? So there's someone?" Theo grins at him.

"Maybe." Even blushes "But it's .. I don't know.. all I know is that I really like him.. a fucking lot."

"Aww look at you Ev, you're totally in love, your eyes are all shiny and shit." Theo smiles at Even, wraps his arm around Even's shoulder and gently rubs it, but his face gets a little more serious when he asks "Does Sonja know, I mean did you tell her?"

"No not yet, but I guess I have to, right? It's only fair if I tell her how it is, before I hurt her even more." Even sighs and runs his fingers through his wet hair.

"Yeah you need to tell her, I mean she's waiting for you to come back, but you obviously have feelings for someone else. She still thinks you love her." Theo nods.

"I do love her, but not like that anymore, you know. I thought if we would take that break I would realize how much I miss her and how much I love her, but the exact opposite happened. And then I met this boy and boom all butterflies in the stomach and all that cheesy shit." Even smiles brightly.

"Ev, you know I like seeing you like this all happy and in love, but don't just fully dive head over in this okay? Just take it chill and give it time." Theo says cautiously.

"Yeah T, I know what you want to say." Even sighs "But this is totally different."

"Okay, you know I just don't want you to get hurt." Theo smiles at him.

"I know Theo and I love you for caring that much about me." Even winks at Theo.

"I love you too bro." Theo rolls his eyes and grins "And now tell me a little about this guy."

 

****

Isak wants to check on his mum before he goes to his room and starts to do some work for school.

He's hoping she has fallen asleep after he brought her to her room before he went out in the yard, but when he opens the door a little and peeks in, he sees her sitting on the bed with some scissors in her right hand, cutting out articles, passages, headlines and single words of the papers surrounding her.

Isak fully opens the door and steps in the room, he's looking around the chaos in his mom's room, it looks like a fucking bomb exploded in there, then his glance falls on the wall over his mom's bed.

She pinned the cut-outs all over there, the words death, war, murder, kill are underlined with a red marker, Isak swallows hard when he gazes at the masterpiece of his mum, his stomach churns and he feels like throwing up, he closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths and counts to ten.

He walks up to the bed and sits down at the edge of it, he lays his hand on his mom's and takes the scissors out of it and asks quietly "Mom, what are you doing? You should better get some rest."

She lets Isak take the scissors, but she looks at him with furious eyes and snaps "Get some rest? The world is about to end and you want me to get some rest." she starts to chuckle awkwardly, Isak swallows hard, seeing his mum rattled like this is a goddamn heartbreak.

He places his hand on her shoulder and tries again "Mum please, I think you need some rest. You can watch TV, tho."

She looks at him, her eyes still wild but she nods "Okay fine."

He lays her down and wraps the blanket around her and turns on the TV before he leaves the room, he takes the scissors with him.

Isak walks in his room, opens a drawer in his desk and throws the scissors in there, hopefully his mom won't be searching for them in his room.

He sits down on his chair, leans his head in his hands, closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath "Don't fucking cry Isak." he mumbles to himself and quickly wipes away the tear that escaped his right eye.

Isak grabs out his books from his backpack and opens them, trying to focus on the words written in them, he really tries but he gives up after half an hour 'cause he can't fucking concentrate, his mind's just too agigated.

He closes his school books and turns on his game console to play a round of FIFA, maybe that will help to distract his thoughts.

 

**** 

Torsdag 21:23

Isak walks out the bathroom, he doesn't want to look in his mom's room, he doesn't want to see that fucking 'artwork' above her bed, but the concern's nagging on him and he peeks in the room to look if she's finally asleep.

The news speaker in the TV is talking something about hundreds of dead people, Isak knows he should’ve put on a channel and took the goddamn remote with him.

Of course she's watching that fucking news channel again, 24 hours reports about terror, war and dying people.

Isak walks in the room, but his mom's already asleep, Isak exhales relieved, at least he doesn't have to argue with her again.

He closes the windows, turns off the TV and wraps the blanket around his mom, her eyes flutter open a little, and she whispers something about people dying all over the world because they are all sinners and the world's about to end soon and they need to be prepared.

Isak gently strokes up and down her back, brushes her hair gently with his fingers, trying to comfort her, trying to calm down the thoughts of her wandering mind, 'til she finally falls back asleep.

Usually these things are done by a husband, a loving husband who cares for his wife, but Isak's asshole of a father left them weeks ago, saying “One day you'll understand. I'm sorry.”

The fuck's that supposed to mean? What will he understand someday? That his father is a selfish prick, who left his son and wife behind? Isak’s already pretty aware of that fact.

Before he leaves and shuts the light in the room, he takes a short look at the 'artwork' of his mom, he slightly shakes his head, he wants to rip it down from the wall, but he'll do that tomorrow when she's gone.

Isak walks back in his room, closes the door behind him and exhales loudly, finally back in what feels like the only safe and normal place in this house.

He let himself fall face forward on his bed and groans loudly in his pillow “What a hell of a day.”

It's Thursday, it’s summer and he's a fucking teenager, he's supposed to be out there hanging out with his friends, drinking beer and smoking some weed or some shit like that.

Isak checks his phone, a few messages from the boys asking if he wants to join them. He stares for a few moments at the screen, considering if he should go or not. Going and having fun with his friends would distract him a little from that mess at home, but tonight Isak doesn't feel like hanging out with them.

Tonight he feels like being alone in his room, watching some Netflix or continuing to play FIFA and bath in self-pity, yeah this are his plans for the rest of the night. 

 

Isak: It was a hell of a day, too fucking tired.
Jonas: Just tell me if you need anything, okay?
Isak: Takk ♡
Jonas:


Isak puts his phone on his nightstand, lays down on his back and stares at the ceiling, he takes a deep breath and stands up from his bed again and walks up to the window, he needs some fresh air, or maybe he just wants to know if Even's playing on his guitar.

He opens it, enjoys the chill night air that streams in his room, and sits down on the window sill, arms wrapped around his knees, his back leaned against the wall.

Isak’s staring out in the dark, maybe if he'll stare long enough he'll find a solution for everything out there, he leans his head back and slightly taps it against the wall a few times.

In the corner of his eye he sees that in the neighbor house is still light in one room, Even's room, suddenly he feels jealousy bubbling up in his stomach.

Why is his life like this? Why can't he have a mum who jokes with him, who sings along when he's playing the guitar, yeah he can't play the guitar and shit but that isn't the point, why couldn't he have a mum who takes care of him most of the time and not the other way around? Because life's a goddamn bitch, that's why.

A tear runs down Isak's cheek and he quickly wipes it away with his fingers, fuck, he doesn't want to cry, but he can't stop the tears from slowly running down his cheeks, he’s just so tired and exhausted.

And somehow he wishes someone would wrap his arms around him, rock him and whisper comforting words into his ear 'til he falls asleep, and he wishes that someone would be Even.

He wipes the tears away with the back of his hands, he closes his eyes for a second and deeply inhales and exhales a few times, trying to calm his emotions down.

Then the night is filled with the soft strains of a guitar, coming from the neighbor house.

Isak opens his eyes and turns his head a little, Even's window is open, the other boy is sitting on his bed only wearing some boxers, his head tilted, looking down on his hands, a slight smile plays on his lips, fuck he’s looking amazing.

Isak thoughts wander to their almost kiss, Even’s warm breath on his lips, his fingers on his chin softly tilting up his head, Jesus they were so fucking close.

Isak really likes Ida but in this right moment he execrated her, God she had the worst timing, if she had only come home 5 minutes later...Isak sighs and chews on his bottom lip.

Even lifts his head and their eyes meet, Isak sees the smile on the other boy’s lips becoming brighter.

Isak licks his lips and smiles back at him, he turn his head back to look at the distance again, when Even begins to sing Isak closes his eyes and listens...

 

I see those tears in your eyes
I feel so helpless inside
Oh love, there's no need to hide
Just let me love you when your heart is tired

Cold hands, red eyes
Packed your bags at midnight
They've been there for weeks
You don't know what goodbye means

Just roll up a cigarette
Just forget about this mess
Waiting on the sidelines
From the sidelines

 

Even's deep voice is beautiful and it feels like balm for Isak’s sore soul, Isak exhales loudly and risks another look at the other boy.

Even's eyes are closed, he looks concentrated and so fucking hot, the way he's holding his guitar, the way his mouth opens and closes, the way his lips form the words he’s singing, his deep voice.

He already heard him singing before, but seeing him like this, so totally in his element, Jesus Christ that really does things to Isak and somehow that night it feels like Even’s playing this song for him, Isak wishes so bad that this song's for him.

Isak realizes that his mouth hangs open a little 'Jesus Isak get your fucking shit together! You're already drooling.' he internally shakes his head and rolls his eyes about himself.

But he just can't look away, he's not able to take his eyes off him now, he needs to memorize every movement Even's hands and lips are making, the sight of Even singing is somehow hypnotizing, it's the most beautiful he has ever seen in his life and when he would die in this right moment he would die a happy man.

Then Even opens his eyes, even from that far away Isak could see the blue in them, so stunning and so deep and Isak wouldn't mind to drown in them. This time Isak doesn't look away he can't, he just can't.

 

If your ghost pulls you up high
And it feels like you've lost who you are
My love, there's no need to hide
Just let me love you when your heart is tired

I see those tears in your eye
So helpless inside
There's no need to hide
Let me love you when your heart is tired

 

Even sings the last sentence and stops his playing, a bright smile is pinned on his lips and he winks at Isak.

That wink 'causes Isak to blush, but he doesn't shyly look away, instead he mirrors Even's bright smile 'cause after that almost kiss it must be clear to him that Isak's interested in him.

Isak's eyes wander back in the distance, the smile still on his lips and Even's soft deep voice in his ears.

Chapter Text

Fredag 15:58

Isak slips through the hedges and walks towards Even's house, he follows the strains of the guitar and Even’s voice coming from in there. God he's so fucking excited, yeah he's just going to buy some beer and wine, but he's doing this with Even, Isak can't stop his lips from curling up to a smile.


...You've got the spark I've been looking for

And I got a plan we walk out the door
You know you wanna just let go
It's time to roll down the windows
Singing oh oh oh
We got all we need singers
So here we go

Turn it up
It's five minutes to midnight
You're coming home with me tonight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up turn it up alright
At five minutes to midnight


Isak knocks on the glass of the open French window before he peeks in the living room and greets Ida, she’s putting on her shoes and jacket in the hall “Hei Ida. Another late shift?”

A smile appears on her face when she turns her head to look at Isak and she gestures him to come in “Halla Isak. Nei, I'm just going to check on one of my patients. Today's my day off..." Ida sighs "...but you can never know, right?”

Isak steps in the living, walks towards the stairs and smiles softly “I keep my fingers crossed that there's no emergency today.”

“Thanks, darling. Ev’s in his room, as you might’ve already heard.” Ida lays a hand on Isak's shoulder and shortly squeezes it.

Isak nods and climbs up the stairs to Even’s room, he stops his steps and leans back “Bye, Ida.”

“Bye. Have fun later and don’t let it get too wild.” Ida chuckles and winks.

Isak's still touched how lovely Ida's treating him, like, she doesn't even really know him and she's calling him darling, she's hugging him, it seems like she already embosomed him, to someone else it might not seem to be much, but it does something to Isak's heart and he has to admit that he already embosomed her as well. Isak smiles to himself, Even definitely has his big heart from his mother, they're pretty alike and Isak's happy that these two beautiful human beings moved in here.

Isak salutes with one hand and runs the rest of the stairs up to Even’s room, the door's wide open, Isak takes the last steps a little slower and leans against the door frame for a few moments to watch Even, he needs to hold back an endearing smile and quietly sighs, yeah he can't deny it he's so in fucking love with this guy.


 ... We'll make the clock stop
Make your heart drop and come alive

And when the clock strikes twelve
Will you find another boy to go and kiss and tell?
Cause you know I never will
I think we should strike a match
We'll hold it to the wind to and see how long it lasts
We can make the time stand still


‘No I don’t wanna find another boy to kiss. I want to kiss you, only you.’ Isak almost speaks out loud, but he doesn't dare to do so, he starts to chew on his bottom lip, so these words won't slip out of his mouth accidently.

“Halla.” Even smiles brightly at Isak, the greeting pulls Isak out of his thoughts and Jesus that smile almost throws him off his feet.

"Hei." Isak hems and asks quickly “Ready?”

“I was born ready.” Even stands up, puts the guitar aside.

He walks up to Isak, stops right in front of him and looks at him, Isak swallows, for a short second he thinks Even's going to lean in and kiss him, but he doesn't, and fuck Isak wishes so bad he would've done it, he would've been all in.

Isak clears his throat again, he has a really hard time trying not to blush, he raises one of his brows and asks “ID?”

Even musters him amused and licks his lips before he answers “Yeah got it.” He claps on his ass, apparently to show that it’s in the back pocket of his jeans, Isak nods and Even walks past him down the stairs, and Isak doesn't know if it was on purpose that Even's hand slightly touched his stomach.

Isak's takes a deep breath before he follows him down the stairs to the garage, and fuck he can’t withstand the temptation to check out Even’s backside as he walks slowly behind him, when the other boy turns around Isak quickly looks up in his eyes and smiles sheepishly at him.

‘Shit Isak, when you have to check him out do it a little more subtle.’ Isak rolls his eyes internally.

Even opens the door to the garage, and Isak’s eyes widen as he sees that big ass car standing in there “Are we taking this one?”

“Yeah.” Even smirks and shrugs “Do you see another one in here?”

“But it’s … it’s fucking huge. Sure you can drive that monster thing?” Isak asks and starts to nervously shift from one foot to another.

“I’m quite sure yeah, we’ve got no choice anyway, mom took the other one. Come on, get in the fucking car and stop worrying, you’re in safe keeping.” Even winks at him and gets in the car.

“Okay.” Isak sighs, Jesus Christ Isak's never been a fan of traffic and driving cars, he doesn't know why but it's kinda terrifying for him, and now they have to manage that chaos out there with that fucking big car, he hopes Even knows what he’s doing. Isak suppresses the urge to make three crosses before he gets in the car.

But his worries fade after a few hundred meters, as soon as Isak’s convinced that Even can handle the vehicle he starts to relax in the passenger seat and glances at Even's profile.

“Music?” Even's blue eyes meet Isak's green one for a second, before Even looks back at the street again.

“Sure.” Isak shrugs, he's kinda curious what kind of music Even's listening to, Even pushes a button on the wheel and familiar beats of 90’s rap come out the speakers.

“Didn’t think you’re into 90’s rap.” Isak says honestly, according to the songs Even’s playing on his guitar Isak expected a different kind of music to come out of these speakers.

“You don’t like it? I can put on something else if you want.” Even lightly smiles.

“No, it’s cool. I'm really into that kind of music, tho.” Isak smiles “I’m just a little surprised that you like it as well that’s all.”

“Yeah I’m full of surprises.” Even smirks at Isak.

Isak studies Even’s profile a few moments longer before he turns his glance at the street, a smile appears on his lips, the more he gets to know Even the more he likes him, and shit there's really no turning back, Jesus Isak wants to do things with Even, he wants to kiss him, touch him and so many other things, so much more.

But with these feelings for Even there are also coming these nagging questions and worries, and fuck he can't stop them from popping up in his head ‘What will Jonas and the boys think, when they find out I'm gay? Would they see me differently? Would they think I’m keen on them and on every guy out there? Would they still be my friends? What would mum say? Would she still love me though I love a boy? Will it cause a breakdown when I tell her?’ Isak can feel the panic crawling up his spine, his heart starts to race, his hands begin to sweat and his stomach churns.

“Isak?” Even lays his hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“Huh?” Isak twitches and looks from Even’s hand on his shoulder, in his eyes.

“We’re here. Is everything okay? You look a little pale.” Even's eyes are worried, the hand’s still on his shoulder, gently squeezing it.

Isak takes a deep breath “Yeah everything fine.” Isak is embarrassed that he almost let the panic fully wash over him when he’s around Even, but a look into his blue eyes and the slight touch on his shoulder calmed him down and pulled him out of this terrifying thoughts “I guess it’s just because I’m starving, haven’t eaten anything since yesterday evening.”

“Okay then let’s get you something to eat.” Even smiles at him and gently rubs his shoulder.

Isak nods, and he’s happy that Even doesn’t ask why he hasn’t eaten since yesterday evening, he doesn’t want to scare Even away with telling him about his mental ill mother. This morning was fucking horrible, Malin picked her up before Isak went to school, his mom begged to stay at home with tears in her eyes and at the same moment she spit words at him, Isak doesn’t even want to think about.

He doesn’t want to get these things under his skin, but they do, they do no matter how hard he tries to not let them, he just can't suppress these kind of things, and he ends up either not be able to eat or to sleep, or when it's really bad both.

Isak ambles after Even towards the entry of the super market ‘Okay Isak, you need to pull yourself together, mom’s with Mal now, she’s fine and maybe she’ll agree to a treatment. You’re here with Even, with EVEN for fucks sake, so don’t let these worries destroy your time with him.’ Isak takes a deep shaky breath and catches up to Even, he smiles slightly at him to ensure that everything’s fine, but he feels the other boys worried glance on him.

They step in the super market side by side, Isak wants to walk straight to the drinks department, but Even grabs his arm and stops him “First we’re looking for something to eat for you. I don’t want you to starve or some shit.” Even smiles softly at him and Isak nods slowly. Even's right, he needs some groceries for the next couple days.

Isak’s standing in the frozen food section, when Even steps to him and puts a few things in the cart, Isak raises his eyebrows and grabs out a huge spice shaker.

Even laughs “You said yourself kardemomme is essential, better safe than sorry, right?”

“Idiot.” Isak barks out a laugh and slightly shakes his head “You know what else is essential? Beer.”

“Can’t disagree.” Even shrugs and they walk towards the drinking department, putting all kinds of beer and wine in the cart. Isak holds in his movement for a moment and watches Even standing in front of these big shelves, God he’s looking so goddamn beautiful today, and once more Isak thinks it’s a fucking shame that Ida interrupt them last week and Isak couldn’t kiss this soft lips.

“Is it okay if I take one of this sparkling wines?” Even asks without looking at Isak, his eyes are still searching the shelf.

It takes a second ‘til Even’s question arrives at Isak, he knits his eyebrows and scoffs “Jesus, really?”

“Yeah, I love how the bubbles tickle my tongue.” Even shrugs, turns his head and gives Isak a bright smile, as if Isak could say no to this.

“Okay, okay than put that fucking bubble thingy in the cart.” Isak rolls his eyes, Even's smile gets even brighter, and Isak wants to kiss this adorable dork right here in the middle of that fucking super market.

The cart is loaded with all sorts of bottles, cans and some groceries, Isak’ s quite happy with their pickings so they make their way to the check stand, Isak tries to walk slowly, he wants to expand his time with Even, enjoy every second he's spending with him to the fullest, even if their just making ordinary stuff like this.

Isak laughs as Even tells him about a pregame he once hosted when he was sixteen, everything went totally out of control and he was grounded for two whole months.

They stroll around the corner and for a moment Isak takes his eyes off of Even to look in front of him to be sure he won’t run into someone with the cart, that's when his eyes catch the familiar profile of a guy, Isak curses silently and awkwardly tries to take a step back and hide around the corner.

“Isak?” Eskild walks up to the boys and looks at Isak with raised eyebrows.

“Eskild, halla.” Isak smiles at him, but curses internally, why does he need to run into Eskild, he'll smell the rat immediately.

Eskild pulls Isak in a warm hug, Isak’s a little embarrassed but he hugs him back and gently claps his back, it's not that he isn't happy to see him, it's just he doesn't want to meet him here with Even, Eskild's so ... so Eskild and he knows Isak too fucking well, probably he already knows after the first look at Isak's face that he's in love with Even, sometimes Isak's happy that Eskild can look behind his façade that easy, but in some situations it's really impractical.

“You look good little kitten.” Eskild smiles brightly.

Isak twitches, he can see in the corner of his eyes that Even raises his brows, Jesus why on earth calls Eskild him kitten in front of Even, Isak wants to curl up and die. Eskild why the hell?

Eskild’s eyes fall on Even, he smiles at him and asks “And who’s this handsome guy?”

‘Fyfaen Eskild, keep your hands off him, he’s mine.’ Isak shouts in his head and tries not to shoot a look at Eskild.

“Hi, I’m Even.” Even introduces himself with a smile on his lips.

“Fucking nice to meet you, Even. I'm Eskild.” he shakes Even’s hand, a little too long for Isak’s taste, probably Eskild already knows what's up and he just wants to tease Isak a little, that shifty bastard.

“Uhm did you get my message? You coming tonight?” Isak asks to get Eskild’s attention back, it's a really hard piece of work for him to not snap at Eskild in this moment, Jesus Christ does he need to look that way at Even.

Eskild takes his eyes off of Even, smiles softly at Isak and lays a hand on Isak’s shoulder. There's something sparkling in Eskild's eyes, oh fuck Isak knew that he would immediately know what's going on “Of course I’m coming, you think I’ll miss the chance to pregame with my grumpy little kitten?”

Isak rolls his eyes, for fucks sake can he please stop calling me kitten in front of Even, Isak can feel Even’s amused glance on him, Isak clears his throat and asks “What about Linn? She didn’t answer my text. I’d love to see her, it’s been a while.”

“I’m sure when she hears that, she’s gonna come. She misses you tho, we all do.” Eskild states and gives Isak a sad half smile.

Isak slowly nods "I know, I'm sorry, but you know..." Isak chews on his bottom lip,  he hasn’t been at the Kollektivet since three weeks, and he feels terrible about that fact 'cause Eskild and Linn were there for him and gave him a place to sleep when he couldn’t take the shit that went down at home anymore.

“Don't worry, Isak." Eskild smiles reassuring at him, and Isak knows he means it, Eskild knows that his situation at home isn't easy and that Isak forgets about other stuff when shit gets intense at home "Well, I don’t want to stop you two pretty boys any longer.” Eskild chirps “See you tonight. And don’t worry Isak, I get Linn to come with me.”

“Okay, thanks Eskild.” Isak smiles at him.

“See you Even, bye little kitten.” Eskild smiles and waves them goodbye.

“Bye, E.” Isak groans, but with a little smile on his lips.

“Bye.” Even smiles at Eskild as he walks away, Even looks at Isak “Seems to be a nice guy, looking forward to see him and his girlfriend tonight at the pregame.”

“Linn isn’t his girlfriend, she’s his roommate.” Isak says and he asks himself if Even didn’t notice that Eskild was totally checking him out, Jesus he fucking undressed him with his eyes.

“And who said that you’re even invited?” Isak raises one brow and smirks.

“Rude.” Even pouts and walks to the checkout.

****

17:22

While Even puts some groceries in the fridge his mind is circling around this Linn. Who is this girl? Why is she missing Isak? Why did Isak ask about her? Is she Isak’s ex? It’s obvious that she isn’t Eskild’s girlfriend, but why felt Isak the urge to clarify that? Why did he want her to come? Emma, Linn, who else is there? Is Isak a fuckboy?

“Uhm Even I don’t think the bread belongs in the fridge.” Isak laughs.

“Huh?” Even looks at Isak with knitted eyebrows.

“Are you dreaming?” Isak steps up to him and takes the bread out of the fridge again.

“Sorry, I guess I had my head in the clouds.” Even chuckles and scratches his neck.

“Yeah I didn’t miss that.” Isak slightly shakes his head and chuckles.

Even looks at Isak for a few moments and asks “So what do you want to eat?”

“Faen, are you gonna cook now?” Isak asks and licks his lips.

“Uhm yes, you said you’re starving, so I’m gonna make you something to eat.” Even smiles softly at him.

Even sees a slight smile appearing on Isak’s lips, it seems like he’s really touched that Even takes care of him, and he says “Just put a pizza in the oven, that will do it.”

“Okay.” Even nods, when Isak wants pizza he’s getting pizza.

They slouch on the couch and Isak sighs “Now I remember why I’d rather go to pregames than to host one, too much stress, work and shit.”

Even laughs and says “And the dirt, don’t forget about the dirt you have to clean up tomorrow.”

“Thanks for reminding me, asshole.” Isak exhales loudly and stuffs the last slice of the pizza in his mouth.

“You’re welcome.” Even shrugs and makes a face.

Isak yawns loudly, stretches out on the couch and closes his eyes “Wake me up when it’s 18:40.”

Even looks at Isak with wide eyes, he’s a little surprised that Isak assumes he’ll stay here while he’s sleeping, he wasn’t planning on going home but he’s still touched that Isak actually wants him to stay.

It doesn’t take long ‘til Isak falls asleep, Even puts a blanket over Isak and walks to the kitchen, he prepares the rest for the pregame, puts things away that could break, cleans up a little, when he’s done he sits back on the couch.

Even glances at Isak, he looks so innocent and relaxed when he’s asleep, Even wants to curl up behind him, wrap an arm around his waist, snuggle Isak close and bury his nose in Isak’s soft blond curls.

Even checks the time, it’s already 18:42, the first guests will arrive soon, Even throws all his insecurities over board and brushes his fingers through Isak’s hair and whispers “Isak?”

“Hmm, what?” Isak mumbles, his eyes still closed but a little smile graces his lips.

“Are you awake?” Even asks, his fingers still softly running through Isak’s curls.

Isak slowly opens his eyes and asks what time it is, Even smiles at him and answers “It’s already 18:44, don’t worry I took care of the rest.”

“Takk.” Isak seems to stave off to get up, it seems like he really enjoys Even’s gently caress, after a few moments he eventuelly tilts his body up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

Even smiles at him, what a shame that this house will be filled with Isak's friends in less than 20 minutes, Even rather wants to stay with Isak on that couch, brush his fingers through his blond curls and kiss him, and if Even’s not mistaken the look on Isak’s face, he’s thinking the exact same.

Before Even begins something that would be interrupt by a punch of people entering that house, he says “I need to park the car back in the garage and put on some fresh clothes. See you later, kay?”

“Yeah.” Isak nods and smiles at him, Even stands up from the couch and walks out the French window, as he walks towards the hedge, he hears voices approaching, he turns around and greets the three boys before he slips through the hedge.

 
****


Two seconds after Even went out the French window, the boys step in the house with loud voices, coming from the terrace, Isak quickly stands up from the couch and greets them.

“Who was that guy? Wasn’t that your new neighbor?” Jonas asks, while he pulls Isak in a half hug.

“Yeah he looked nice. Why did he already leave, didn’t you invite him?” Magnus grins at Isak.

“Uhm yeah, he helped me with the beer and shit. He needs to do some stuff before he joins us.” Isak says as casual as possible.

‘Jesus fuck, why is Magnus grinning that dumb, does he know something? Can he read on my face that Even’s more than just the new neighbor?’ Isak thinks to himself.

Half an hour later the house is full with people, Isak hasn’t invited half of them, it seems like it got about, and there's not much Isak can do about that, he just hopes that no one will steal his fucking TV, like they did at Eva's party.

He’s sitting on the couch when Even walks in the living room, smiling brightly at him, Isak shyly mirrors his smile, fuck how can he look even more beautiful than he already did an hour ago. Someone sits down beside Isak, he internally rolls his eyes, if this is Emma he’ll jump from the roof.

Isak turns his head and looks at a girl with long red hair, Isak smiles and pulls her in a warm hug “Halla, Linn. So great to see you here.”

“Halla Isak.” Linn chuckles and hugs him back “Long time no see.”

“Yeah sorry about that. Got a lot stuff to do with my mum and… you know.” Isak looks apologetically at her.

Linn slowly nods and smiles at him “Yeah I know, Isak, don't worry, but it's good to see you, you seem to feel better. I would even say you look happy, huh?”

“You think?” Isak tries not to blush, Isak’s eyes are searching for Even in the crowd, he wants to introduce him to Linn, but he can’t find him anywhere, so he looks back at Linn “Yeah I mean I feel a lot better, and my mum I don’t know it’s the same with her I think, but she’s with aunt Mal now and I don’t know maybe she agrees with a treatment this time, we’ll see.”

“Good to hear, I keep my fingers crossed.” Linn says “Something new from your dad?”

“Ugh don’t ask me about that asshole.” Isak sighs “No, he’s still living in his new flat and he keeps texting me that he wants to see me and shit, but I just don’t want to see him, you know. I don’t think I have anything nice to say.”

“He’s an idiot and one day he’ll realize that and he’ll regret his decision, I tell you that.” Linn softly says and lays her hand on his knee “I still believe he’s gonna come back, Isak, maybe not tomorrow or next week but he’s gonna come back.”

They talk for a little while ‘til Linn makes her way to look for Noora and the rest of the girls, Isak never thought he would be friends with Linn, but all those lazy evenings they spent together laying on the couch, watching some shitty TV shows and casually talking about serious shit during the commercial breaks let their friendship happen and Isak really embosomed her.

Isak makes his way towards the kitchen to grab another beer, before he'll search for Even, but he stops his steps, and hides around the corner when he hears a familiar deep voice, Even, he’s talking to someone.

“What are you doing here?” Even’s voice sounds irritated.

“I was hoping to meet you here.” Isak recognizes that voice, it’s Sonja.

“Soni.” Even sighs.

“How many beers did you already have tonight? Don’t you think you should slow down a little?” Sonja asks and it’s silent for a few seconds.

“Stop monitoring me, you’re not my fucking mother, so please stop acting like that.” Even says, maybe a little too harsh.

“Even?” Sonja says a little louder, but there’s no answer, Sonja exhales loudly, it seems like Even left her standing alone in the kitchen, she walks past Isak to the bathroom, her eyes look moist and for a second, but just for a short second Isak feels something like pity for her.

Isak startles when he hears Emma’s voice beside him “Hei Isak, what happened?” the look on her face is worried.

“Don’t know, maybe they had an argument.” Isak shrugs, trying to hide the fact that he overheard their fight.

“Faen." Emma sighs, she lays her hand on Isak's arm and he twitches a little, Jesus can't she not touch him, why can't she just leave. Emma takes a deep breath, Isak internally rolls his eyes shit he's not in the mood to talk to her right now, he wants to find Even, and she asks "Which room?”

Isak's eyes widen in shock, fuck what does she mean, is she fucking serious right now? But then he remembers Sonja, shit Emma's asking in which room the other girl disappeared and not what he was thinking, thank God.

"Uhm the hall down, the first one the left." Isak quickly answers, he didn’t know that Emma and Sonja are friends, anyways he’s happy as fuck that Emma has something else to do than bother him.

Isak strolls through the whole house, desperatelly searching for Even, but he can’t find him anywhere, he walks out in the yard, but there are only a few couples making out.

He sighs, takes the snapback from his head and runs his fingers through his hair, it’s as if Even has been fucking swallowed by the ground... Fuck...

Chapter Text

Fredag 21:21

Even looks over his shoulder before he slips through the hedges, good it doesn't seem like Sonja's following him, he walks with quick steps towards the back corner of his yard, to the pool.

'How many beers did you already have tonight?' fuck Even is so sick of Sonja monitoring and controlling him, why can't she understand that this shit's fucking annoying, not even his mom's that overprotective, it's a real pain in the ass.

Even knows that he's sick, he doesn't need to be reminded of that fact every fucking second of his goddamn life. He groans and sits down at the edge of the dimly lit pool, takes off his shoes and socks and pulls up his jeans to dive his feet into the water, maybe the cold water will calm him down a little.

Why the hell does she need to be here tonight? Even wanted to enjoy that goddamn pregame and spend some more time with Isak, but now he needs to take a breather first, he needs to calm down, the encounter with Sonja's still nagging on his mind, but that's not the only thing circling in his mind, there are other questions bothering and confusing him.

Is Isak feeling the same he does? Even does really wish for this, he really fucking does. But who's this Linn? Why was Isak so fucking happy to see her? Is he in love with her? Or is she just a friend?

Even lays down on his back, feet nervously plashing in the pool water and eyes looking up in the night sky, he takes a deep breath and another one, he keeps doing it 'til he feels his pulse calming down, 'til his mind feels to be in the right place again, 'til his anger, as little as it was, vanishes. 

He closes his eyes and tries to think about something good, something beautiful and immediately Isak's shining green eyes appear to his mind.

A smile dances on his lips as he lets his thoughts wander to the other boy, thinking about Isak sleeping on that couch, he looked so damn beautiful. That small relaxed smile gracing his lips when he laid there already awake but not ready to get up, he really seemed to enjoy Even's fingers brushing through his hair.

Even opens his eyes again and startles, these beautiful green eyes he was thinking about just a second ago are now looking down at him, and they seem to be happy to see him.

“Hei. Wasn't easy to find you between all this fucking plants and shit.” Isak's looking at him with a raised brow and his lips curl up into a small smile.

Isak was looking for him, he was really looking for him, and until now Even didn't even know that he wanted Isak to find him, a smile appears on Even's lips, he says “Halla.” and leans back up.

“You know the party's next door, right?” Isak scoffs and sits down, cross-legged, beside Even.

“Oh that's what's going on over there.” Even chuckles awkwardly, he inhales sharply as he realizes how fucking close Isak's sitting next to him, his knee touching Even's thigh.

“What's wrong?” Isak asks while his fingers play with the beer can in his hands.

Even studies Isak's face for a second, first he wants to lie, saying he just needed a to take a breather, but he's sure Isak has seen Sonja walking around his house, so he exhales loudly and the smile drops from his lips as he says “Sonja's here.”

“So what? Fuck it.” Isak shrugs and gives him a bright smile, Even can't help but mirror Isak's smile, though he doesn't quite feel like it.

It's quiet for a few seconds between them, he wishes it could be that easy, he wishes he can be above this shit and just walk over there and enjoy the pregame and ignore the fact that Sonja's there, but he can't, his mind just doesn't let him. Even sighs and asks “Can we stay here? Just for another few minutes?”

“Sure we can do that.” Isak nods and reaches his beer can to Even “You want a sip?”

Even smirks and grabs the can, a little liquid courage won't hurt, so Even takes a gulp before he says “Shit, I bet I didn't even manage to stay for a fucking hour at your pregame.”

Isak grabs out his phone and nods “Yes you're goddamn right, it's only 21:21.”

“Shit, really? 21:21?” Even raises one of his brows, he can remember that he read something about the meaning of this so called angel numbers, actually every one of them has a few meanings, Even can't remember all of them, but the one that stayed pinned in his brain is the meaning of 21:21 - you have to be grateful for what you have in your life and for what is yet to come - not that Even believes in such things, but it's kinda nice that some people do, he thinks it's romantic in a certain way.

“Yeah?” Isak looks questioningly at him, he seems to wait for an explanation for Even's enthusiasm about the time.

Even looks at Isak for moment and then he remembers two more meanings of this angel number, and he almost laughs 'cause they're quite fitting, he smiles and asks “You know what that means, don't you?”

“Nei.” Isak shakes his head, the look on his face getting even more confused.

“'You have to choose.' or 'The person you think about, wants to be with you.'. It's up to you what you like better, I guess.” Even smiles at him and he asks himself which one Isak would take, but he doesn't dare to ask, it's just too fucking ridiculous.

Isak raises his brows and scoffs “Esoteric? Really?”

“I already said I'm full of surprises, Isak.” Even's lips are curling up into a brighter smile, he knew Isak would say something like this, but it still seems like he's thinking about what Even just said about this angel number.

Isak slightly shakes his head and chuckles quietly "Yeah you're like a fucking surprise egg." he leans forward and starts to take off his shoes and socks.

Even watches him for a moment before he asks teasingly “So there's a pregame going on over there and you want to skinny-dip?”

Isak barks out a laugh and rolls his eyes “No asshole, I want to dive my feet in the water, like you.”

“You scared to ruin your hairdo? Or is it something else?” Even laughs and splashes some water at Isak.

“Do I look like I care about my hairdo?” Isak scoffs, dives his hand into the water and splashes some of it in Even's face before he gets up on his feet.

“Not right now but usually it looks like it yeah. Oh now I know, you're scared of water, aren't you?" Even teases, his eyes following the other boy.

Isak mumbles “Scared of water, pff. I'll show you.” he steps behind Even and shoves him in the water with a quick and firm enough move, but somehow Even manages to get a grip of Isak's hand on his shoulder and he pulls him with him, both boys falling in the water with a sharp quiet scream.

When Even comes back up on the surface, he spits out some water and laughs “You thought I died, didn't you?”

Isak's looking at him, laughing and brushing the wet strands out of his face, and he dramatizes “Oh yeah, I was so scared.” he takes a few breaths before he adds mockingly “You suck at holding your breath, tho.”

“I suck?” Even raises his eyebrows. Isak nods and chuckles, Even narrows his eyes and splashes some water in Isak's face saying “Fuck you, try it yourself then.”

“So you're really challenging me? Oh you shouldn't, I'm the fucking champion at holding my breath.” Isak talks big and swims around Even.

Even nods sarcastically “Sure you are. Show me then. Come on show me, bigmouth.”

“Okay fine.” Isak says and dives under, Even's eyes are fixed on the point where Isak disappeared under water, it only takes Isak a few seconds 'til he comes back up, he coughs and runs his fingers over his face.

Even looks at him with raised eyebrows and scoffs “Wow Isak, you never cease to impress me.”

“I got water in my lungs.“ Isak tries to explain his failure lamely.

“Hmm okay.” Even chuckles and nods sarcastically.

“Yeah, I swallowed water.“ Isak splashes water at Even, and laughs “Shit, okay I need to do it one more time.”

“Let's do it together.“ Even proposes to make this ridiculous competition more interesting “At one. Last to come up wins. Okay? At one.“

“Okay.” Isak knits his brows but nods.

Even raises his hand and they count down together "Three, two, one.“

Both boys dive under water, they're looking at each other, though Even's vision is a little blurry he can make out Isak's beautiful facial features and that slight smile on his lips, and then there's this nagging urge again, the urge to kiss Isak and this time Even doesn't want to hold it back, so he counts to five, if Isak's still under water in five seconds he'll kiss him.

'One, two, three... please, please, please stay under water, I want this, so fucking bad... two, one.'

Even smiles and slowly swims forward, he places a hand on Isak's cheek and a kiss on his lips, that kiss only lasts like five seconds 'cause Isak suddenly dives up.

Even dives up two seconds later, his heart and mind are racing. Did Isak dive up because of surprise or is it 'cause he's disgusted that Even kissed him? Even brushes the strands out of his face and studies Isak's expression for a second, there's no anger or disgust just a slight smile and surprise written on it,  and Even shouts without thinking twice “Yes! I won.”

“Yes? What?” Isak raises his eyebrows “You didn't win. That was cheating, Even.”

“I won are you kidding?“ Even laughs “You think there are rules here?“

“Yes. What did you think? But that was just cheating. You can’t do that. I don’t accept losing like that.“ Isak runs a hand over his wet face.

“Then let’s do it again.“ Even grins at him, challenging.

Isak nods shortly and they dive under water again, this time it's Isak, who initiates the kiss, Even sees him swimming slowly towards him, eyes locked with his, Isak cups Even's face with his hands before he presses his lips against Even's, and in this moment Even's the happiest boy on earth. 

Even lays his hand on Isak's neck, they kiss under water 'til they get out of breath, they get back to the surface and continue their kissing, water's running down their faces and in their mouths but they don't fucking care, the most important thing is that they're finally kissing each other, that their lips are finally connected.

Isak breaks their kissing for a short second, Even's looking at him searching his face for any kind of regret but he can only find a small fond smile on Isak's lips, causing Even's lips to curl up in a smile as well.

Even's gaze switches from Isak's eyes to his lips, Isak licks his lips and buries his fingers in Even's wet hair and pulls him closer to kiss him again, Even's heart skips a beat as he does this, holy shit he expected this to be good, but not that fucking good.

They only break apart from each other 'cause they hear Sonja's voice shouting “Even? Ev? Are you out here?” shit, she sounds pretty near.

“Faen.” Isak exhales loudly and rolls his eyes.

Even huffs out a quiet laugh, grabs Isak's hand, looks in his eyes, places a short but soft kiss on his lips and whispers on his lips “Let's get the hell out of here.”


****


Isak peeks around the corner, Sonja walks by the pool, fuck that was close, he turns back around to Even and the other boy whispers “We should get out of that fucking wet clothes, I'm getting cold.”

Isak smiles at him and bites down his bottom lip “But first...” he pulls Even closer and kisses him again, Even presses Isak's body against the wooden wall of the shed. Isak's hearts beats so fast, he's afraid it'll jump out of his chest any minute.

Jesus that whole thing here with Even's so fucking exciting and thrilling, this is more than awesome, finally Isak understands how kissing should feel like, finally he understands that you can actually feel something when you kiss someone, and that feeling is overwhelming as fuck.

Suddenly the nagging worries come back to Isak's mind 'What if someone sees you? What would Jonas and the boys say when they find you here, kissing a boy? What if Sonja finds you and makes a scene, causing everyone at the pregame to come over here and realize what just happened between him and Even?'

Even cups Isak's face with his hands, caresses his cheeks with his thumbs, looking in his eyes “Everything okay?”

“Yeah it's just overwhelming.” Isak confesses and slowly nods, he can't tell Even about his stupid worries, they're just too fucking ridiculous.

“Maybe a little too overwhelming?” Even smiles so softly, Isak wants to kiss him again.

Isak nervously chews on his bottom lip, he's embarrassed that he's freaking out that much, but he just can't help it, he can't manage to shut this fucking worries down, Isak knows Even probably thinks it's stupid that he's so scared of this, so scared of what others will think about this.

Even leans his forehead against Isak's, still looking in his green eyes “We just take it chill, we slow things down a little, okay?”

Could it be that Even's as confused as he is, not confused in a bad way, it's just so much that happens right now, so much feelings at a single blow, and Isak's not used to this kind of feelings.

He actually never felt something when he kissed someone before, and now he kisses Even and it feels like a fucking firework is exploding in his stomach, reaching every tiny fiber of his body and for a short second in the pool Isak thought he couldn't handle this, something in his head screamed so loud he should run 'cause he's not ready for this, but when he looks in Even's blue eyes, he wants to be ready for whatever this is between them.

He wants to be ready, but the nagging worries in his head give him a pretty hard time, it's not easy to completely shut them down, but a look in Even's eyes, a kiss on his soft lips makes them quieter, much more bearable.

“My mom’s already home, she’ll kill us when we walk in there all wet and shit, and naked won’t be better. Plus Sonja could be in there.” Even whispers.

Isak thinks for a moment before he states “We can go through the yard of the Thorsens… come.” Isak pecks Even’s lips before he takes his hand and pulls him with him.

They sneak along the edge of the yard and disappear between the hedges, they quickly scurry through the yard of their neighbor and slip through the hedges entering Isak's yard again, they’re on the other side of the garage, thank God no one's here, Isak opens the door to the garage and leads Even through the garage towards another door.

Before Isak can grab the door knob, Even pulls Isak back, closer to him, he cups his face with his hands, looks him in the eyes and whispers “One for the road.” He gently presses his lips against Isak’s, Isak can't hold back the fond smile appearing on his lips.

Jesus why's his house filled with all that fucking people, once more he wishes the boys wouldn't have persuade him to host that damn pregame.

Isak opens the door and peeks in the hallway, no one’s there, the only thing he can hear is the music coming from the living room, all the people seem to be either in the living room, the kitchen or outside at the yard, they step in the house and walk towards the stairs, suddenly they hear voices coming nearer, Even looks at Isak with wide eyes “Whereto?”

Isak scratches his head and quickly says “Go upstairs, second door right.” Even squeezes Isak’s hand slightly before he let’s go and walks up the stairs, Isak watches him going up and gives him a soft smile.

“Isak?” a voice asks and Isak turns his head towards the voice “Why the fuck are you…?”

“Eskild.” Isak breathes, he’s relieved as fuck that it’s him.

Eskild looks at Isak with raised eyebrows, Isak can tell that he's wondering like crazy why the fuck he’s soaking wet ”Uhm there’s a girl desperately looking for you. She has dark short hair, pretty cute.” Eskild goes on and points with his thumb towards the living room.

“Fyfaen.” Isak exhales loudly “Please, don’t tell her you ran into me, okay?”

“Okay!?” Isak notices that the question mark on Eskild's face grows bigger with every second passing by “Uhm most of the people already headed to this party at the Club XYX and I guess the rest will follow soon. Should I wait with you ‘til everyone’s gone and we head out together?”

“Actually I can’t go to that party.” Isak says shyly and plays nervously with his hands, no he doesn't want to go to that fucking club, 'cause he's got other plans, much better ones.

“What do you mean, you can’t go?” Eskild asks and as soon as this words are out his mouth he eventually seems to have understood what's going on here “Ooh I see, I’ll take care of that girl, I’ll bundle her to the next cab, I promise.” A knowing smile dances on Eskild's face.

“Thank you Eskild, I owe you.” Isak smiles at him, and once more Isak's happy that he ran into Eskild and not someone else.

Eskild nods, turns around and starts to walk away, but before he disappears around the corner he winks “Have fun little kitten.”

Isak rolls his eyes and slightly shakes his head before he heads upstairs, taking two steps at a time.


****


Even opens the door to Isak’s rooms, it’s actually tidier than he expected, he closes the door behind him and takes a short look around while he takes off his shoes, he walks to the wardrobe and grabs out some fresh dry clothes, he’s sure Isak won’t mind if he helps himself.

He opens the door a little and listens if someone's out there at the corridor, he can hear Isak’s muffled voice, he's talking to someone, if Even's not mistaken it's Eskild.

Even steps out the room and walks towards the door across Isak’s room, hoping it’s the bathroom and to his relief it is, he slips in and strips the wet clothes from his body, he grabs a towel from the shelf and jumps under the shower, not giving a fuck that the door isn't locked.

A few moments later he hears the door slowly open and someone stepping in, Even holds his breath for a moment, hopefully it’s no one of the other guests, but he exhales relieved when he hears Isak’s voice asking “Even? Are you seriously taking a fucking shower?”

Even peeks his head out behind the shower curtain and raises his eyebrows “Yeah? I was cold, so...”

Isak rolls his eyes but laughs, he licks his lips, Even can see and almost hear Isak's brain working out there. Is he thinking about joining him? Even wouldn't mind, tho. He feels a warm shiver running down his spine when he thinks about sharing the shower with Isak, he swallows hard and asks, waging his eyebrows “If you want to join...”

But Isak doesn't answer his question, instead he lays one of his fingers on his mouth, obviously to indicate Even to be quiet, Even presses his lips together and slightly nods.

Isak walks to the door, locks it and lays an ear against it, a few seconds later he walks with quick steps towards the shower, grabs the knob and turns off the water, Even's watching him interested and it doesn't escape his notice that Isak's eyes fall for a short moment on his bare chest. Even bites down his bottom lip, but he twitches when there's a knock on the door.

Isak looks with wide eyes at him, as if he's silently asking what the fuck they should do?

“Isak? Are you in there?” the voice of a girl asks.

Even notices the growing fear in Isak's eyes, Jesus he looks like a deer caught in head lights, Even needs to do something, but he doesn't know what, fuck, and both of them startle again when there's a second, louder knock on the door “Halla? Isak?”

Isak's eyes are screaming at Even 'Please do something.'

Even hopes his plan won't go wrong, he smiles at Isak, takes a deep breath and shouts “Jesus fucking Christ can’t we just bang in here in peace? There’s no Isak in here, honey, so please can you just fuck off.”

Isak looks at Even with wide eyes and laughs quietly.

“Sorry, faen sorry. Keep going.” the voice apologizes.

Isak looks at Even with a smirk on his face “The fuck was that? That was fucking rude, tho.”

“Never said I was nice.” Even shrugs with a half smile on his lips, he grabs for the towel and wraps it around his waist and steps out the shower. Out there he walks towards the shelf, grabs another one and rubs his hair dry with it "I took some clothes from your wardrobe, I hope that's okay."

Isak's looking at Even, he blinks for a few times before he says "Yeah sure.” 

Even notices that Isak's quite nervous, he's still standing there in his soaking wet clothes, he seems not quite sure what he should do next, so Even steps closer and lays his hand on his face, gently caressing Isak’s cheek with his thumb “Get under the shower, the warm water will help to calm down your nerves a little.”

Isak lays his hand on Even's and slowly nods "Okay."

Even smiles softly and adds “I’ll go back to your room, okay?”

“Okay.” Isak whispers again, leans forward, rubs his nose against Even’s and places a soft kiss on his lips.

Even peeks out the door, to see if the coast is clear, he slips out the door and walks with quick steps to Isak’s room.

Even doesn’t turn on the ceiling lamp, instead he walks to the bed and switches on the small bedside lamp, and closes the curtains, so no one downstairs at the pregame can see that there’s light in this room.

Even lets himself fall on his stomach on Isak’s bed, the bed smells like him, he takes a deep breath, inhaling Isak's scent and Even’s sure this is how heaven smells like.

He closes his eyes, a tender smile dancing on his lips when he thinks about what happened just a few moments earlier. He finally kissed Isak and he kissed him back, there was no hesitation, no sudden flinching, no running away from the other boy, Isak kissed him back and then Isak kissed him.

Even is so fucking happy that this turned out the way he wanted it to and not like the last time he kissed a boy, but Even doesn’t want to think about that now, he just wants to lay here and think about Isak’s lips on his, Isak’s hands on his body, desperately clinging to his wet shirt. Even’s heart flutters Isak wanted this as bad as he wanted it, and still wants it.

Even presses his face in Isak’s pillow, Jesus it’s ridiculous how madly in love he’s with this boy, it’s so fucking different than anything he has ever felt for someone else, Even can’t really describe it, all he knows is that it feels better and so much more than anything ever before. So much more. And Even can’t remember the last time he has been that fucking happy.

The door slowly opens and Even turns his head towards the door, he smiles at Isak “Halla.”

“Hey.” Isak’s voice is hardly more than a whisper, he blushes a little, Even’s heart makes a jump, Isak’s just so fucking adorable.

Isak sits down on the bed and plays with his hands, Even can tell that he’s still nervous as fuck, so he leans back up and wraps his arm Isak’s waist.

Isak looks up from his lap and licks his lips, he clears his throat before he quietly says “I’m sorry for being so… so nervous… but it’s just … all this is so new for me and a little confusing… and … and...”

Even cups Isak's face with his hands and smiles at him “Isak don’t worry, it’s okay… we just take this chill.”

“Okay.” Isak nods and chews on his bottom lip, Even gently caress Isak’s cheek with his thumb.

“If anything gets too fast just say it, okay? And if it makes you feel any better I’m kinda nervous as well.” Even smiles reassuring at him.

“Really?” Isak looks with wide eyes at him, and Even needs to hold back a laugh, did he really think he’s not nervous at all?

Even leans his forehead against Isak’s and whispers “Yeah.”

A smile appears on Isak’s lips, Even mirrors that smile and he can't help but placing a soft kiss on Isak's lips.


****


Isak's head is resting on Even's shoulder, Even's fingers are gently brushing through his blond curls, when they hear a soft knock on the door, and that’s when Isak notices that the music is much quieter than before, to be exact the whole house seems to be less noisy.

“Faen, can’t I have a fucking single second of peace in this damn house.” Isak groans silently, yeah he knows that he's overdramatazing things in this moment, but he doesn’t want to deal with these people downstairs, he doesn't want to deal with their potential questions, he just wants to be left alone with Even in his room, is that too much to ask for?

Isak takes a deep breath before he tilts his head up a little, the other boy’s still brushing his fingers through his hair as Isak shouts “What?”

“Isak?” he recognizes Eskild’s voice, so he slowly gets up, but Even pulls him back down and places a soft kiss on his lips, Isak chuckles and frees himself.

He walks towards the door, opens it a tiny crack and peeks out “Hmm?”

“I’m alone.” Eskild smiles, Isak exhales relieved and slips out the door to the corridor.

Isak can see that dumb knowing smirk on Eskild’s face and he feels the urge to snap at him that he should stop smiling like that, but before Isak can do that and regret it, Eskild says “All people are already gone, they left for that party I told you about.”

Isak slowly nods, raises one brow and Eskild seems to understand what Isak wants to know, he chuckles “Yeah Isak, she was the first I sat in a cab and sent to that club. So the coast is clear, tho.”

"Thanks Eskild." Isak slowly nods and gives Eskild a thankful smile.

“So you want me to help you clean up?” Eskild lays a hand on Isak’s shoulder and Isak twitches a little ‘cause he didn’t expect that touch.

“It's okay, thanks, I'll handle that tomorrow.” Isak smiles at him, he already did enough for him tonight.

“Okay fine.” Eskild nods and Isak sees in his face that he wants to say another thing, but he doesn’t know how, and Isak is thankful for that ‘cause he doesn’t want to answer any questions tonight. He’ll talk to Eskild but not tonight, he's not ready for this yet.

Isak accompanies Eskild down the stairs, Linn’s sitting on the couch waiting for Eskild so they can leave together, Isak walks them to the door and hugs both of them before they step out the door, all this happens without many words, Isak waves them goodbye as they leave, he closes and locks the door behind them.

Isak strolls around the house, closes the French window leading out to the yard, he peeks in every room just to be sure that there’s no one left in the house.

Isak sighs, the house is a fucking mess, people are dirty pigs, but he’ll take care of this shit tomorrow, now he just wants to run up the stairs and continue to cuddle with Even.

When he opens the door to his room, Even tilts his head and smiles brightly at him, Isak mirrors his smile, walks up to the bed, sits down and says “Sorry just needed to lock the doors and shit. Uhm they all went to that party at that club... just in case...I don't know...you want to join them.”

Isak feels Even's hand wrapped around his wrist and Even asks “You really think I want to go there right now?”

Isak shrugs “I don’t know, maybe. Do you?”

Even huffs out a laugh, wraps his arm around Isak's stomach, pulling him back down on the back and places a soft kiss on his lips “Nei, I don’t wanna go there, I’d rather stay here with you.”

“Sure?” Isak asks, God why is he so fucking insecure? Even just said he wants to stay here with him, why the hell does he need to ask if he’s really sure? Isak wishes he could just shut this fucking worries and insecurities down, but no matter how hard he tries to bury them somewhere in the back of his mind unfortunately somehow a few of them manage to crawl back out there.

“Yeah I’m fucking sure, Isak.” Even rubs his nose against Isak’s and gives Isak a soft smile.

Isak places a kiss on Even’s lips and he can’t help but smile back, Jesus he’s lying here with Even, he’s kissing him and cuddling with him, it’s more than Isak dared to dream of when he first saw Even.

And there’s this incredible feeling in his stomach and heart and in his whole body, he had crushes before but none of them felt this way, this feels so fucking intense, it’s almost scratching the edge of too fucking much and it really scares Isak, but tonight he doesn’t want to let the worries and panic win, he wants to enjoy this to the fullest, he can deal with his worries later.

“So what would you do, if I wouldn’t be here?” Even’s question stops Isak brain of thoughts.

Isak knits his eyebrows, hmm that’s a good question, Isak decides to go for the obvious and says lamely “I would’ve gone to the club with my friends.”

Even rolls his eyes and sighs “Isak.”

Isak chuckles and says honestly “Uhm probably I would lay here in bed and wait ‘til I'm finally exhausted enough to fall asleep.” And as soon as these words are out of his mouth Isak wants to take them back ‘cause they sound even more pathetic when they’re spoken out “Uhm...or I would climb out the window, lay down at the awning and look at the sky.” and listen to you playing the guitar. That last bit of the sentence Isak swallows down again, this would sound even more desperate than his first sentence, Isak takes a deep breath before he looks up in Even’s blue eyes.

Even smiles at him and kisses his forehead “The awning sounds fantastic.”

Isak and Even get up from the bed, they walk up to the window and Isak slips it open and they climb out at the awning.

Isak lays down on his back and looks up at the stars, Jesus not in a hundred years he would’ve thought to lay here one day with Even. Isak used to lay here with Jonas when they were kids and talked about their dreams and hopes, good old times, but some day they stopped doing this, Isak doesn’t know why, and so it became a thing he just did on his own, looking out in the distance or up to the stars and silently telling the universe about his hopes and dreams.

Even sits down beside him, Isak studies his profile, the other boy looks around with wide shiny eyes, it seems like he likes it out there, Isak’s heart skips a beat, maybe laying here on that awning could become their thing.

Even’s still looking around and suddenly he says “I can see our terrace and my balcony from here.”

“What? Really?” Isak asks played marveled.

Even laughs and slightly pushes his shoulder “As if you didn’t know that.”

Isak looks innocently at Even and says “Nope never noticed it before.”

“Jesus Isak, you’re a pretty bad liar, you’re even blushing.” Even continues his laughter.

Isak can feel his cheeks heating up, yeah he knows he’s a terrible liar, but he doesn’t want to admit it so he says “I’m a pretty good liar, you have no idea, Even.”

Even slightly shakes his head and grins at Isak, Isak licks his lips, looks up in the sky and confesses “I’ve been listening to you since you moved in.” Isak’s even surprised himself that he blurt that out, Jesus hopefully Even doesn’t find that weird.

He turns his head and his eyes meet Even’s, a fond smile graces Even’s lips as he asks “You did?”

“Yeah.” Isak slowly nods, his heart starts racing as he says “And I like it even more to see you playing. The first night you played on the balcony and I was lying here and … I don’t know... I really liked it.” Isak feels the next blush approaching on his cheeks, Jesus since when is he so fucking soft.

Even traces Isak’s eyebrows with his index finger and smiles at him, does he look touched, yeah if Isak can tell he looks touched as he asks “So you were listening and watching me playing?”

“Hmm.” Isak hums and smiles at Even, the other boy leans down and kisses Isak.

Even lays down beside Isak and they both look up at the sky, talking about this and that, talking about important stuff and not important stuff, covered in the darkness and silence of the night. And there’s nothing, really nothing Isak would rather do than this, laying here on that awning in Even’s arms, his head on his shoulder, his fingers brushing through his soft hair.

“I really like this.” Isak smiles against Even’s chest.

“Yeah me too.” Even places a kiss on Isak’s hair and cuddles him even closer.


****

Lørdag 04:07

They went back inside when it got too cold outside on the awning, Isak fell asleep in Even’s arms, after Isak fell asleep Even laid quite a while awake holding the other boy close. Even's listening to Isak’s steady, silent breath, here and there Isak sighs in his dream or mumbles something unintelligible, but he stops as soon as Even snuggles him even closer against his body.

Even brushes his fingers through Isak’s hair and caresses his cheek, placing kisses on the edge of Isak’s lips and his forehead every now and then. Even’s so engaged in these things that he almost forgets to fall asleep himself, but he closes his eyes and dozes off, but not very long, as he opens his eyes and checks the time on his phone it’s only 04:07.

Isak lays curled up with his back to Even, Even’s lips curl up into a fond smile, he brushes his hand over Isak’s hair and places a kiss on it before he stands up and slips as silent as possible out of his room.

Even walks slowly down the stairs, he wrinkles his nose when he walks in the kitchen, it smells like stale beer and wine and cold cigarette fume, he opens the window to get rid of that awful smell.

He walks out the kitchen to take a look at the extent of the mess people left behind yesterday, it’s even worse than Even thought, but he shrugs and starts to clean up, he puts away empty wine bottles and beer cans, pours out half full cups. He almost spends an hour and a half with cleaning up, the only thing left is to vacuum the floor, but Even lets that be ‘cause he doesn’t want to wake up Isak.

Even sneaks out the house and walks down the street to the bakery around the corner to grab some breakfast for Isak and him.

Even can’t remember the last time he has been that fucking happy, there’s no room for an other feeling than happiness, just pure simple happiness, but wait there’s something else, another feeling, love, the growing love in his heart.

When he walks back from the bakery, he decides to go home and grab his guitar, this morning just feels like the perfect morning to play on it and Isak said he likes when he's playing so.

He opens the front door silently and slips in the house, he’s just hoping that his mom isn’t awake already or will come home in the meantime.

The house is silent, Even walks to the kitchen, placing the breakfast he bought a few minutes ago on the table, and there he finds a piece of paper, he grabs it from the table, a note from his mom “Hope you had fun, honey. Another emergency call, be home tomorrow morning.”

Okay good, so his mom isn’t aware of the fact that he didn’t come home last night, so no nosy questions about the pregame and Isak, he knows that his mom already smells the rat, and it’s just a matter of time ‘til she can’t hold back and starts firing questions at him.

Even slightly smiles, puts the paper back down on the table and jogs up the stairs to eventually grab his guitar.

 

As he opens the door to Isak’s room again and silently walks back in, Isak’s still asleep, Even walks up to him and brushes over his hair, Isak sighs and turns around.

Even walks up to the window and opens it, he climbs out and sits down at the awning, he really likes this place, it has something romantic, but not in a cheesy way.

He grabs his guitar and places it in his lap, he gently strokes along the chords, he takes a deep breath and starts to play…


Long road,

Of premature decisions leaving me
Cold, with only good intentions
But it's you who takes my pain away
You know it's you who keeps me wide awake
You know it's you...it's you

This is our time to run away
It's our time we don't have to stay here
'Cause all the things that I never knew
That I wanted, are here with you
This is our time, to forget the past
It's our time we can make it last
'Cause all the things that I never knew
That I wanted, are here with you

****

Isak wakes up, slowly opening his eyes, he feels for Even’s body behind him, but he’s not there, Isak heart sinks to the ground.

'Maybe he’s just taking a piss and he’ll be right back, just relax. But what if he regrets everything that happened yesterday? What if he changed his mind?'

Isak sits up in his bed, rubs his hands over his face to get rid of the sleep and these terrifying thoughts, he grabs for his phone, no messages, he looks around his room, still a little somnolent and that’s when he notices that the window’s slightly open and at the same moment he hears the familiar soft strains of Even’s guitar.

Isak exhales the air, he wasn’t aware he held in, and closes his eyes for a moment, a smile appears on his lips, Even’s still here, he didn’t leave, he’s just sitting out there on the awning and is playing his guitar.

Isak stands up from the bed and shrugs on the hoodie that he carelessly throw at the floor last night.

Isak opens the window fully and climbs out at the awning, it seems to be pretty early, the neighborhood’s still quiet, Even’s playing is filling the morning air.

 

Our time to run away
It's our time we don't have to stay here
'Cause all the things that I never knew
That I wanted, are here with you
Our time, to forget the past
It's our time we can make it last
'Cause all the things that I never knew
That I wanted, are here with you

 

Even’s sitting there cross legged, guitar resting on his lap, the hood covering his blond dark blond hair, and Isak smiles and his heart skips a beat, that’s a sight he could get used to, that’s the sight he wants to get used to.

Isak gets pulled out of his tender thoughts when the song’s over, suddenly it’s quiet, really quiet, Isak can hear Even exhaling loudly, he licks his lips and sits down beside Even.

The other boy hasn’t notice Isak, it seems, ‘cause he slightly twitches as Isak’s knee touches his, but a bright smile appears immediately on Even’s face.

Isak places his hand on Even’s thigh and gently strokes up and down “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Even leans over and places a kiss on Isak’s lips, he cups Isak’s face with his hands and asks “Everything okay?” His eyes are scanning Isak’s face for any worry or concern.

How can it not be okay, he’s sitting here with the boy he’s deeply in love with and he’s kissing his beautiful soft lips, how can this be not okay? Isak places his hands on Even’s and slightly shakes his head, he sees worry jitter in Even’s eyes, and Isak sees that he wants to say something but before he can do so, Isak kisses him and smiles against his lips “It’s not okay, it’s great.”

Even’s thumbs are caressing Isak’s cheeks and he smiles at him “Yeah?”

Isak nods and licks his lips “Yeah.”

Even wraps an arm around Isak and pulls him closer, Isak welcomes it, ‘cause it’s still a little fresh outside, and Even’s a human radiator, Isak leans his head in Even’s neck and places a small kiss there.

Even’s hand gently stroking Isak’s side as he says “The house was pretty messy, but I already took care of it.”

Isak looks up at him with knitted eyebrows “When did you do that? I bet it’s only 6:00 or even earlier.”

Even places a kiss on Isak’s forehead and slightly shrugs “Couldn’t sleep so I cleaned up. And it’s already 06:15.”

Isak scoffs out a laugh “Already? Are you serious? It’s Saturday and it’s 06:15 and I’m awake, Jesus I think the world's about to go down.”

Even’s huffs out a laughs and ads “You know what? I even bought breakfast.”

Isak leans a little away from Even and looks amused at him “Jesus which pills did you take?”

Even joins Isak’s laughter and shrugs “I guess it’s just the fucking hormones.”

“So where’s this breakfast? I’m starving.” Isak raises one of his brows, and in this moment he can feel his stomach growling.

“In the kitchen.” Even answers and smiles at him.

“Should I bring it up and we eat it out here?” Isak proposes while he stands up.

“Sounds romantic.” Even smiles fondly at him, Isak leans down and places a kiss on his lips and asks “Coffee or tea?”

“Tea.” Even breaths on Isak’s lips, before he places another kiss on his lips.

Isak climbs back in his room and walks down the stairs, he looks around and Even didn’t lie he really cleaned up the place, Isak walks in the kitchen and sees the bag with the breakfast on the table, he smiles to himself.

He steps to the kitchen counter and puts some water in the kettle for Even’s tea, then he walks right to the coffee machine and places a mug underneath it, he presses a button and the kitchen’s filled with the familiar loud noises of the machine preparing the coffee.

Isak takes the mug, leans against the kitchen counter and sips on his coffee while he waits for the water in the kettle to boil.

He climbs the stairs with the two mugs in his hands and the bag tucked under his arm, he walks up to the window and reaches Even his mug with tea and his own with coffee, before he climbs out there.

Isak grabs out a cinnamon bun from the bag and hands it to Even, and takes another one for himself and takes a big bite from it.

As Even takes the mug from his lips, smiles at Isak and asks “Good?”

“Fantastic.” Isak replies with a full mouth and Even chuckles.

Isak gets closer to Even, so they sit there, bodies slightly pressed against one another, sharing a comfortable silence while looking out in the distance, Isak takes his eyes off the distance for a while and looks at Even’s profile, he really could get used to this, Even catches his glance and smiles at him, yeah he really wants to get used to this.

Chapter Text

Søndag 11:09

As soon as he starts to slowly wake up, he knew Even was gone ‘cause he couldn’t feel the emanating heat from the other boy’s body beside him.

Isak slowly opens his tired eyes, sunlight's flooding his room, it causes him to blink a few times to get adjusted to the brightness in there.

He leans up and his half open eyes are searching the room, but today the window’s closed, this time Even really left, Isak exhales loudly and lets his body fall back on the mattress, he stares blankly at the ceiling and brushes his fingers over his eyes, trying to get rid of the remaining tiredness.

Isak’s hand wanders along the mattress, searching for his phone, but instead his fingers feel a piece of paper under his second pillow, Isak frowns as he grabs the out paper from underneath there. He leans up again, his back resting against the headboard of his bed as he unfolds the paper one time and there are words written on it.

It's Even's handwriting, it's scrawly, it kinda looks like he was in a little hurry as he wrote them down – 'I don’t sleep ‘cause sleep is the cousin of death. You’re so hot, Isak.' As he reads the second sentence he feels the blush spreading on his cheeks, he huffs out a short but happy laugh.

He unfolds it a second time, and he can’t hold back his lips from curling up into a bright smile, it's a drawing, it shows a peacefully sleeping Isak. He licks his lips and gently strokes with his fingers over the drawing, it’s pretty detailed and God it's fucking beautiful.

He swings his feet over the edge of his bed and stands up, walks right to his desk and carefully pins it on the wall above it, so he can see it when he lays in his bed. He's standing there for a moment, looking at it, enjoying the innocent beauty of Even's artwork.

Isak can't remember seeing that kind of drawing on Even's wall and somehow he has the feeling it's something special, but probably Isak's just imagine things. Even just wanted to leave him a message and that's his way to do so, so nothing special. Ida leaves Even handwritten messages all the time, so maybe it's just their thing, nothing more.

God but for Isak this means so much more 'cause this is probably the most beautiful gift he ever got, he can't remember that someone gave him something so personal and meaningful (to him) ever before. He knows it's stupid to feel like this about a fucking drawing, but it's from Even, it's a piece of Even.

Isak startles as he hears the familiar sound of his phone pinging, the sound came from somewhere near his bed, so he turns around walks there, on his way his eyes catch the phone lying on the nightstand, oh yeah that's where he put it yesterday and forgot about it the whole day. He sits down on the bed, cross legged, and grabs the phone from the nightstand.

A little part of him, okay a quite big part, is hoping that it’s a text from Even, he unlocks the screen, Isak sighs ‘cause it has only been the group chat with the boys, but he opens the conversation anyways. Shit there are tons of messages he didn't read yesterday, but yeah he simply got no time to read them let alone to answer them, he scrolls through them a little, trying to catch up what he missed out the day before, but mostly to look if they mentioned any rumors about him being with someone in his room on Friday.

 

Mahdi: Magnus and I are on our way to you bro

Jonas: Did you get the beer?

Magnus: Yeah yeah we got it, chill bro

Jonas: Where are you Issy?

Jonas: Isak is MIA yo



Okay, according to their texts Isak hasn't missed out anything important, just getting wasted and stoned at that party and there's no evidence of them knowing he was with Even on Friday. He decides to ignore the texts from yesterday and leaves them unanswered, he scrolls down to the latest ones.

 

Jonas: Fucking great night yesterday.
           Totally hungover.

Magnus: Yep. Think I’m still drunk.

Mahdi: Still high.

 

Isak huffs out a laugh, this guys are such idiots, but they’re his idiots, and cause all that happened with Even on Friday, he only spent the first 45 minutes with them at the pregame, so Isak decides to invite them over for chilling and playing some FIFA, it actually seems that they’re out for the count to do anything else than this. Isak quickly types his text and waits for their answers.

 

Isak: Still have the place all to myself. You up for some FIFA and chill?

Jonas: Yeah sure, I’m in.

Magnus: Me too.

Mahdi: Me three.

Magnus: Mahdi’s definitely still high, tho.

Isak: Cool. Just drop by whenever you want. See ya.

 

Isak quickly goes through the other messages he received yesterday, there are a few from Emma, asking where the fuck he is and one or two in which she calls him a fucking asshole. Isak rolls his eyes, no way he's gonna answer her, he can't be bothered with that shit now, so he clicks the conversation away.

Isak snorts as he reads the messages he received from Eskild through out the previous day, Isak knows that Eskild wants to know what happened on Friday sooner or later, that curious bastard, but Isak decides to let it be later.

There are no messages left, so there's no message from Even, Isak sighs and starts chewing on his bottom lip. Is it bad that he got no message from Even?
Isak rolls his eyes about his fucking insecurity, of course he got a fucking message from Even, the beautiful drawing.

He puts the phone on the nightstand again, he’s really looking forward to spend some time with his friends, and he’s also curious if they or someone else at the party noticed that he was locked in his room with someone.

If someone’s knowing then Vilde, and if she knows so does Magnus. Isak’s kinda nervous about that, what if someone saw that he went in his room with Even? Nah, Eskild was the only one who saw him heading upstairs all wet and shit, and Even was already on his way upstairs when Eskild walked around the corner, so there's no chance he saw the other boy.

No one saw them together, Isak could’ve been in there with anyone. But what if? Isak rubs his face with his hands and groans “Stop overthinking everything that much. No one saw you, Jesus. Otherwise the guys would’ve already bombarded you with texts and Vilde would’ve already called you like a thousand times. So chill for fucks sake, everything’s cool.”

Isak stands up from his bed, grabs his shirt and sweatpants from the floor, with a wide grin on his lips as he thinks about how they ended up down there.

He walks down the stairs, to the kitchen, opens the fridge and grabs out a water bottle, he leans against the kitchen counter, opens the bottle and takes a gulp of the water.

It’s kinda scary how quiet the house is, no familiar sounds coming from the TV upstairs, Isak takes a deep breath, he decides to put on the TV in the living room, cause the silence freaks him out a little, it's just too awkward.

He lets his body sink in the couch and stares blankly at the TV, not taking in any of the motions happening on screen.

Instead his mind gets flooded with pictures of what happened yesterday between Even and him...

Even was leaning over him, his hands resting beside Isak's shoulders, he was watching him with his gorgeous blue eyes and his glance was so intense, Isak had the feeling he was right staring into his soul. Isak licked his lips before Even leaned slowly down and brushed their lips together, his tongue licking in Isak's mouth, Isak brushed his fingers through Even's soft hair and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss even more.

Even's fingers were gently finding their way under Isak's shirt, caressing his stomach and somehow Isak managed to throw all the nagging worries and fears over board in that moment and let the passion inside him win, he pressed his hips against Even's, causing the other boy to let out a deep moan. That noise coming from Even heated Isak even more up, he leaned up a little, not letting go of Even's mouth, and removed Even's hoodie clumsily.

Even broke the kiss, to look at Isak, his eyes were studying his face, probably to search for any kind of doubts, but Isak was sure he couldn't find any of these, 'cause fuck he wanted this, he wanted Even so bad. Isak grabbed Even's neck and pulled him down for another kiss, Even seemed to be convinced that Isak really wanted to put 'we're taking this chill' aside for that moment. Isak grabbed the end of Even's shirt and pulled it over his head, Even did the same with his shirt right afterwards.

The other boy leaned down again, placing a kiss on Isak's lips, then his jaw and his neck. Even nipped on his collarbone, while his hands slowly stroke down Isak's side, causing a shiver running down his spine, fuck he could feel every touch of the other boy in every tiny fiber of his body.

Even's lips wander back to Isak's neck and he was sure Even was leaving a fucking mark there, but Isak didn't care, cause God this felt so fucking good, every touch and every kiss, no matter how tiny they were.

Isak's fingers wandered down to the waistband of the sweatpants Even was wearing, Isak bit down his bottom lip nervously before he shakily said “Take them off.”

Even stopped in his movement and his eyes met Isak's, his eyebrows were raised as he asked “You sure?”

“Yeah.” Isak nodded, he never was so sure of anything ever before, and he still wonders how he could say the next words without blushing or stuttering “And mine as well.”

Even licked his lips, studied Isak's face for a heartbeat again, and if he would've taken another second longer Isak would've said he should hurry the fuck up, but before Isak could do so, Even did as Isak said and got rid of both their pants.

For a moment Isak could see that Even was unsure what he should do next, and Isak almost laughed 'cause shouldn't he be the one who knew what to do, he was the one who had more experience with this, or didn't he? Could it be, that Even hadn't done this with a boy before?

Isak smiled at him and whispered “Come here.” Even leaned over Isak again and brushed their lips together, their kissing got more wild and intense as Isak pressed his hips against Even's again, Even let out a shaky sigh.

Feeling Even's erection pressed against his own, though there was still the fabric of their underwear between them, was simply fucking amazing. Isak quietly moaned in Even's mouth, that's when Even pressed his body even tighter against Isak's...


Isak twitches as his phones goes off, he rolls his eyes, Jesus fuck who the hell dares to interrupt his thoughts? He shoot a dirty look at the screen, but it immediately disappears and is replaced by a slight smile as he sees his aunt’s name on the screen.

“Hei Mal.” Isak says unusually friendly as he takes the call.

“Hei Isak, honey. How are you doing? Is everything alright? The house still there?” Malin sings in the phone and Isak smiles, his aunt is such a buoyant and nice person, his mom used to be like her.

“Yeah everything’s fine, hmm yeah it’s still here more or less.” Isak jokes and his aunt laughs heartily at the other end of the line, Isak waits ‘til Malin’s laugh calms down before he asks “How’s mum doing?”

“She’s doing fine, don’t worry. Mia keeps her quite busy.” Isak can hear that Malin’s smiling, Isak exhales the air he’s holding in since he asked the question, relieved “I made an appointment at the clinic for Wednesday, and we’ll see how this will go, but I’m pretty optimistic.”

Malin has always been optimistic, the last three years since his mom got problems with her mental health, she’s been optimistic that she’ll finally agree on a fucking treatment, Isak’s a lot more skeptical than her, but he doesn’t want to darken her good mood so he says “That’s great Mal, you want me to come and help you with something? Should I watch Mia in the meantime, so you don’t have to take her with you? I know how much she hates to wait and shit.”

“That’d be great, honey. It would save the money for the babysitter. The appointment’s at 15:30, so I would drop her off at yours around 14:45, is that okay? Is that okay with school and stuff?” Malin asks.

“Yeah it’s alright, I’ll handle that, no stress.” Isak smiles.

“Thank you. I’ll see you on Wednesday then. Take care, honey.” Malin says softly.

“Yeah see you Wednesday. Bye Mal.” Isak hangs up the phone, and then his eyes widen, holly shit did he really agreed on babysit his little cousin? The little girl with never ending energy, with all her questions about everybody and his dog, with the pink glitter dresses and fairy wings.

What the hell was he thinking when he proposed this to Malin? Yeah he adores his little cousin, but hell she can be annoying as fuck.


****

Even’s sitting in the passenger seat, his mom’s driving, they’re on their way to Even’s grandma, it’s something they used to do every Sunday when Even was a child, but their visit’s became rarer as Even got older and they got even more rare when his mom met her former boyfriend.

The music’s filling the car and Even’s head is rhythmically nodding to the beat coming out from the speakers, eyes looking out the window.

He startles a little when Ida suddenly breaks the silence between them “So honey, uhm… how are things with Sonja?”

Even closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, why the hell is his mother asking about Sonja, Jesus probably Sonja had really been at their house on Friday, Even takes his eyes from the window to look at Ida “It’s complicated, mom.”

“Did you guys break up? She seems pretty sad, Ev.” Ida looks at Even for a short second before her glance wanders back to the street.

“Sort of.” Even says quietly, Christ how the hell should he explain all what happened to his mom? Yeah she kinda knows already a big part of it, but there are still some details he hasn’t told her, and he probably never will, his mom doesn’t need to know everything.

Ida takes a deep breath and sighs “Sort of? Jesus Even, you know how much I hate it when I have to worm everything out of you.”

Even exhales loudly, he really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now in this fucking car “Before we moved I decided to take a break. I just had a lot on my mind, and I don’t know, we were drifting further and further apart, after all what happened.” Even says and it’s the truth, not the whole truth but at least the words he’s ready to speak out are honest “I didn’t want to make it finally, you know, I thought that break would help me realize how much I love her…”

“But the opposite happened, didn’t it?” Ida asks with a soft voice.

“Yeah, and now I feel like a goddamn asshole.” Even confesses and leans his head back against the headrest.

“Ev, you’re not an asshole, such things happen, you can’t change it anyways. But it’s pretty assholey to keep her thinking that you want to get back with her, when you my dear son are in love with someone else.” Ida says bluntly.

“Mom, you know the thing with Mik is over right?…it was just…” Even stutters, God he doesn’t want to think about this mess now.

“I know, I wasn’t talking about Mikael, tho.” a small smile appears on Ida’s lips.

“Ugh, is it that obvious?” Even blushes a little, he knew she would find out immediately.

“I’m your mom, Ev. I see the little things, you know. The way you look at him, the way your voice changes when you talk about him.” Ida’s smile grows brighter.

“God mom, stop it.” Even blushes even harder “So you wouldn’t mind if Isak and I would…” Even asks, he’s a little nervous about his mom’s reaction, ‘cause back then when he told her about his feelings for Mikael she was pretty worried, she didn’t tell him directly but he could see it in her eyes, all the worried glances she shot at him when he was talking about his former best friend.

“No Ev, Isak is such a lovely person, I don’t care if he’s a boy, it doesn’t matter.” Ida says and lays her hand on Even’s knee and squeezes it gently.

Even smiles at her and studies his mom’s profile for a few seconds, he can clearly see that there’s something she wants to say, but she doesn’t know how.

He turns his head to look out the window again, when he hears Ida taking a breath, okay now she seems to have found the right words, Even turns his head back to look at her “But Ev, please be careful with your heart. I know you don't want to hear that, but you're a pretty impulsive person and when you fall for someone or something you fall so hard...and you being bipolar intensifies these things… just slow things a little down, okay?”

Somehow his mom’s words feel like a slight punch in his face, he knits his eyebrows, he wants to snap at her, yeah he really wants to, but he knows his mom’s just worried, and Even understands, he does after all what happened the last time he fall for a boy.

He swallows the lump in his throat and says “Mom it's okay, I got that, I already made an appointment at Dr. Svendsen, to talk about everything.”

Ida seems to be surprised that Even actually made an extra appointment with his doctor, since his meds are rightly adjusted Dr. Svendsen said a session every two weeks is enough, but Even could come anytime if he feels like he needs it.

“Okay.” Ida nods slowly and Even knows their conversation’s done, but only for now.

As much as he wants to be angry with her, he just can’t, he understands that she’s worried sick about things to happen again, the last time things ended up bad, pretty fucking bad, everything that could go to shit, went to shit, he just can’t blame her for being worried.

But this is such a different situation, the last two days with Isak had been so fucking awesome, Isak’s awesome and he feels the same way Even does, this time it’s not one-sided, and this time there’s no feeling of obsession flooding his body, not at all, his heart’s just filled with happiness and growing love.

 

****

15:32

Isak lounges on the couch when the door bell rings, he slowly stands up and shuffles to the door, he swings it open and almost barks out a laugh when he sees the three boys in front of him. Jonas and Mahdi, looking kinda tired, even a little wracked, only Magnus has a grin on his lips as he greets Isak happily “Hei, bro.”

Isak gets immediately uncomfortable, why is Magnus grinning like that? Does he know something? What does he know? Isak gives him a little smile and looks quickly away from him. The boys enter the house and take of their shoes, Isak leads them to the living room, where they let their bodies fall on the couch.

Isak felt the whole way from the hall to the living room, that Magnus was looking at him, Isak really needs to fight back the urge to snap at him that he shouldn’t grin that dumb, but he holds it back, it would be too suspicious if he would do otherwise, though.

Isak puts on the console and walks in the kitchen to grab something to drink and some crisps, as he walks back to the living room, the boys are talking about the party, they went to yesterday. Fortunately none of them asks where Isak has been, ‘cause he doesn’t know what the hell he should answer to that, maybe he could go with something like 'Sorry I was busy kissing and dry fucking Even in my room.' Jesus Isak can't even imagine how they would react to that statement.

He lets himself fall on the couch beside his best friend, Jonas bumped his shoulder against Isak's and says “You know what? Magnus hooked up with Vilde.”

Isak’s eyes widen at this information “Really? That’s fucking great Magnus.” Isak pats Magnus’ shoulder to congratulate him.

Magnus nods with a bright smile on his lips and a little blush on his cheeks, Isak’s really happy for him, ‘cause Magnus has been crushing on Vilde for almost half a year and finally his tenacity paid off.

“But Isak you should’ve seen that girl, Jonas took home. Fyfaen.” Magnus says, and Isak can hear a little jealousy in his voice.

Isak looks at Jonas and grins, Jonas makes a dismissive hand movement and sighs “Worst hook up of my life. She made me hot and then she fucking left. Can you believe that shit?”

“Jesus she really gave you blue balls?” Isak grimaces and laughs.

Jonas nods and dramatically rolls his eyes “Yeah, first I thought she was kidding when she said 'Oh my God it's already late, I need to go home.', but she really left me there in my bed with a total hard on.”

“Heartless bitch.” Mahdi says, the first words since he entered Isak’s house.

“Fyfaen, Mahdi, you were so high you didn’t even manage to speak to a girl.” Magnus barks out a high pitched laugh, Jonas and Isak joined his laughter.

“Oh shut up.” Mahdi snaps and ads “Couldn’t help, that guy had such good shit. And I mean that weed didn’t give me fucking blue balls, so I don't see me as the loser here.”

“Touché.” Jonas says and scratches his eyebrow with his thumb.

It’s silent for a second before Magnus clears his throat and says “Isak, how did things go with Emma on Friday?”

Isak twitches a little at the question, but he tried to answer as casually as possible “Huh? I only saw her once at the pregame and that was when she asked me where her friend went.”

“I thought you guys were a thing?” Jonas leans back up and studies Isak’s face.

“Nei, we’re definitely not a thing, she’s cute, tho, but she creeps me out a little.” Isak says and that’s not even a lie.

“Okay but where have you been the whole fucking pregame, we saw you like for the first 45 minutes and then you were vanished. Like poof. Gone.” Jonas knits his eyebrows.

“Yeah right, we thought you were spending a little time alone with Emma.” Mahdi wags his eyebrows.

“I heard people talking you were locked in your room with someone.” Magnus raises one of his brows, the grin on his face grows even bigger.

Isak swallows hard, shit he doesn’t know what to say, he feels like an animal caught in the corner, he blinks a few times before he clicks his tongue “What? Who said that?”

Magnus wags his eyebrows and grins.

“Fyfaen, Vilde. She really knows everything, doesn’t she?” Isak can’t stop his cheeks from blushing a little, at least they don’t know with whom he was locked in his room.

“So you were in your room with someone?” Jonas asks interested.

Isak shrugs and answers “Yeah I was.”

Mahdi huffs out a laugh and says “You fucking bastard, how do you do this? Another girl every fucking weekend. It's unbelievable, bro.”

Isak feels his cheeks heating up even more and for a short second, but just for a really short second he wants to tell them that he was in there with a boy, with Even and it was fucking awesome, but he swallows that words down, he’s not ready for that, he’s not ready for a possible rejection from his friends, so he just shrugs and hopes his friends get the hint that he doesn’t want to talk about this.

The rest of the afternoon the boys are talking about this and that, playing some FIFA and it’s already starting to get dark outside when they sit on the terrace smoking the good shit Mahdi brought from that party yesterday. Every now and then Isak’s eyes wander to his neighbor's house, looking if there’s any motion in Even’s room, but the room’s dark. Isak grabs out his phone, unlocks the screen, he looks up from it, just to make sure that none of the other boys can catch a glance at his screen, when he's sure he looks back down at the screen and quickly types a text to Even.

 

Isak: Thanks for the drawing, I really like it. You wanna come over?

 

19:54

As soon as the boys left, the awkward silence filled the house again, Isak takes a deep breath, he thought he would enjoy his time alone, but somehow he misses his mum, he misses the familiar sounds coming from her bedroom.

That's when Isak remembers that her 'masterpiece' is still there, pinned to the wall above her bed. Shit Isak totally forgot to care of it on Friday, he wanted to take it off already back then, but somehow he managed to completely forget about it until now.

He walks up to his mom's room, he unlocks the door and hesitates a second before he slowly opens the door, he takes a deep breath before he steps in and closes the door behind him. He switches on the ceiling light, and this time he takes his time to study her 'masterpiece' more precisely.

A cold unpleasant shiver runs down his spine as he looks at the pictures his mother had cut out, he steps on the bed and slowly starts to grab every picture down, he throws them on a pile on the bed. It takes him good fifteen minutes 'til he finally has every picture, cut out and other stuff removed from the wall.

He steps down from the bed, grabs the pile from the bed and walks down the stairs, he walks in the kitchen and places the pile on the table, while he opens the kitchen cabinet under the sink and puts out the iron bin from in there. He opens a few drawers and rummages them 'til he finally finds the matches in one of them.

He stuffs the pile with his mother’s 'masterpiece' in it and walks with it out on the terrace, Isak looks at it for a moment with knitted eyebrows, no there's no need to keep this, his mother probably doesn't even remember that she made this, so there's no need to feel guilty if he burns it.

Isak grabs out one of the cut outs, he lights a match and holds it against the cut out 'til it begins to burn, Isak lets the burning piece of paper fall into the bin and a few seconds later the fire in the bin starts to grow bigger and lighter.

He sits down on a chair and watches the 'masterpiece' of his mother burn, burn 'til only ashes is left of it, and somehow he wishes he could burn his memory of it as well.

Isak’s head darts up when he hears the strains of Even’s guitar, his eyes look automatically up to Even’s balcony, but Isak gets disappointed, Even’s not out there, it seems like he’s playing in his room with an open window.


Mama said there'd be boys like you
Tearin' my heart in two
Doin' what you do best
Takin' me for a ride
Tellin' me pretty little lies
But with you I can't resist...

...So when you hold my hand,
Do you wanna hold my heart?
When you say you want me,
Is it all of me or just one part?
So when you hold my hand,
Do you wanna hold my heart?
When you say you want me...


He leans his head back and sighs, he grabs out his phone and unlocks the screen, no text from Even, he put the phone away again and started to chew on his inner cheek, why hasn’t Even responded yet? Does he regret what happened between them? Or has he just been busy?


****

Even lays on his back across his bed, his glance fixed on the ceiling, Ida's words are circling his mind, she said she doesn't care that Isak's a boy, but one breath later she mentioned his mental illness, did she want to tell him that maybe his feelings for Isak are just a symptom of a manic episode? No his mom isn't like that, she would never say or think something, no she wouldn't, right?

Even chews on his inner cheek as he goes through their conversation for the umpteenth time, he's analyzing every single word his mom said, and somehow he gets more and more upset with her, though he knows she just wants what's best for him, but it just felt so fucking unfair, and he knows his thinking is childish.

Even gets up from the bed, he walks up and down his room a few times, these thoughts leave him restless, he abruptly stops this steps, takes a deep breath and decides to play a little on his guitar to calm his anger and restlessness down.

He steps up to his guitar and grabs it out of its holder, first he thinks about sitting out at the balcony, so maybe he could catch of glimpse of Isak, but he decides against it, he doesn't want Isak to notice that he's upset, he doesn't want the other boy to think that something's wrong.

So he sits down cross legged on his bed, and gently strokes his fingers over the strings of his guitar, thinking which song he could play. His fingers wander over the strings a few times, without having a particular melody in mind, then he found a song in his somewhere in the back of his head and he starts to play...


...So when you hold me,
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna know me?
Or is this all just for fun?

Mama said there'd be boys like you
Tearin' my heart in two
Doin' what you do best
Takin' me for a ride
Tellin' me pretty little lies
But with you I can't resist...

...Maybe mama doesn't always know best

Mama said there'd be boys like you
Too good to be true
Doin' what you do best
Takin' me for a ride
Tellin' me pretty little lies
But for you, for you, for you
I'll take that risk


When he's finished the song, there's a soft knock on his door, Even knew his mom will show up after the song, he puts the guitar aside, for a moment he thinks about sending her away again, but that won't be fair, so he takes a deep breath and says "Yeah?"

Ida peeks her head in his room and looks at him with the soft eyes of a worried mother, a slight smile appears on her lips as he asks "Can I come in, Ev?"

Even just nods, he slides away a little to make some space for his mom to sit down beside him, Ida walks to him and sits down beside her son.

She studies his face for a few breaths before she finally breaks the awkward silence "Honey, I'm sorry I mentioned Isak and your mental health in the same breather earlier."

Even looks in her eyes, she just knew him too well, she knew that this bothered the shit out of him, she knew his mind's still circling around their conversation. Even doesn't say anything, he can see in her face that she isn't done talking yet, so he waits 'til she continues "You know, I'm just worried, honey. I noticed you didn't sleep well the last couple of days and you seem a little restless."

Even looks down on his lap, starting nervously playing with his fingers, he knows exactly what she wants to say with that, she thinks Even's slipping "Mom, don't worry, I got the appointment on Tuesday."

Ida nods, and she wants to say another thing, Even sees it, she's just afraid of Even's reaction, her mouth opens a few times, but closes again, Even lays a hand on hers and says, slightly smiling "Mom, come on, spit it out."

"Honey, do you think it's because you're in love or is it... uhm.. because you're slipping in a mania?" and there it is, Ida said it out loud, Even twitches on her words, they feel like a knife cutting through his heart, so he was right, his mom thinks he's feelings for Isak could only be a symptom of a manic episode.

Even's face becomes blank, the slight smile fades from his lips and so does the color from his skin, for a second he feels like throwing up, his eyes are nervously studying his mother's face. It takes him a few moments 'til she finally finds the words to speak again, he swallows hard and says quietly "Mom, I..."

"Please honey, take your pills, please." his mom stands up from the bed, Even can see tears glisten in her eyes, he bites down his bottom lip.

Ida leans down to him and places a kiss on his hair, Even's sitting there frozen, frozen from the words his mom just said, his eyes follow her as she leaves the room, before she walks out the door she turns around another time and a worried look is written all over his face.

As soon as his he can hear that Ida's downstairs again, Even shakily breathes out the air he was not knowingly holding in. His phone vibrates in his pocket, reminding him that he received a text from Isak a while ago, he grabs it out of his pocket and opens the conversation, his numb thumbs clumsily type a reply.

 

Even: You're even more beautiful when you're asleep. It's been a pretty busy day. See you tomorrow ♡

 

Even puts the phone aside and walks in his bathroom, he opens the mirrored cabinet, and looks at the pillboxes standing in there. They're placed there all lined up in a neat row, looking as if they want to mock him, as if they want to tell him 'You're sick, you can't have a normal and happy life.'

It takes him quite a while 'til he finally takes one of them out there, the pillbox feels heavy in his hand, he sits down at the edge of the bathtub, his fingers holding it as if it's burning the skin on his fingers.

Even opens the box and shakes out two little pills, the pills feel even heavier than the pillbox before, Even stares at them and his jaw clenches.

He feels good, he can't even remember the last time he felt that good, and this doesn't feel like a mania at all, it's just him feeling happy and in love, isn't it?

Even closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, he puts the pills back in their box, he won't take these downers, not before he has talked to Dr. Svendsen.

Chapter Text

Tirsdag 07:53

Even’s sitting at the tiled floor of his little balcony, one leg pulled close to his body, a blue hoodie is covering his dark blond hair, in his hands a mug with tea. He’s looking out in the distance, he can hear cars driving along the main street, it’s a busy day on the streets, a honking here, the sound of a siren there.

Even feels pretty sorry for these, who have to deal with traffic this morning. He takes a deep breath, reaches the mug to his mouth and takes a sip, a bitter smile appears on his lips as he thinks how the traffic is perfectly mirroring the mess in his mind.

All the thinking caused a lack of sleep, he doesn’t even know if he even slept at all, and there’s this appointment today, and he’s nervous about it, another reason which kept him from sleeping.

He’s nervous about what Dr. Svendson will say, what if he needs to take these downers? How should he manage to do this, knowing how fogged and numb he will feel, feeling nothing at all? What if his doctor says he needs to quit things with Isak? What if…

There are so many fucking what-ifs Even lost count on them over the past few hours, he grabs out his phone from his pocket and checks the time, 07:48, good there are still three hours left ‘til his meeting with Dr. Svendsen.

Even opens the unread text from Theo, he received some time yesterday.

 

Theo: Hei Ev. Missed you this weekend. Everything okay?


Even smiles down at his phone, it's kinda sweet that Theo asks if everything's okay, he's always so caring, but much to Even’s liking not in an annoying way, just the right kind of.

Even chews on his bottom lip, thinking if he should text him or not, would he even be awake already? He can really use some nice and comforting words, before he's going to his appointment and he knows Theo will have them. Plus they haven’t seen each other in a week, which is a pretty long time for them, so Even decides to try his luck and types a text to Theo.  

 

Even: Hei. Already up?


Even’s staring at the conversation, waiting if bubbles are showing up, indicating that Theo’s typing an answer, but they don’t appear, instead Even’s phone starts vibrating and his friend’s contact pops up on the screen, he’s calling, probably Theo already knows that something's up.

“Hei.” Even answers the call, his voice sounding a little hoarse and tired.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Theo sings in the phone “How are you doing?”

“Uhm I guess I'm doing okay.” Even says honestly.

“You guess? What's up Ev?” Theo's voice sounds a little worried now.

“Can we meet up for a coffee or something?” Even asks, he doesn't want to talk about the mess in his head on the phone.

“Sure. You know what, I'll hurry up and catch the next tram and come over, alright?” Theo says and Even can tell that he's smiling.

“Okay. See you then.” Even smiles as well and once more he’s happy that Theo is still his friend, even after all the mess that happened. Theo has been the only one who didn’t shy away and always came back no matter how often Even pushed him away, he never gave up on their friendship and that’s why Theo’s the best friend he’ll ever have.

Even’s leaning against the kitchen counter, when someone presses the doorbell teasingly a few times, Even slightly shakes his head and pushes himself from the counter to go and open the door.

As he swings open the door, he looks into a bright smiling face, Theo pulls him into a short but tight hug and sings “Morning.”

“Good morning, T.” Even lightly chuckles and hugs him back, somehow Even’s a little confused, usually Theo’s not exactly the definition of a morning person, to be honest usually he’s pretty grumpy in the mornings, unless...Even raises an eyebrow as they let go of each other and asks “What’s her name?”

“Jesus can’t I have one fucking secret?” Theo’s cheeks blush a little, he steps in the house and toes off his shoes.

“Come on, you’re not even trying to hide.” Even rolls his eyes and walks in the kitchen, he grabs the mug with hot steaming coffee from the counter and reaches it to the other boy “Let’s go out on the terrace, it’s such a beautiful morning.”

Theo takes the mug from Even’s hand with a smile on his face and nods “Alright.”

They sit down across from each other, Theo’s eyes wander around the yard as he reaches the mug up to his mouth and blows a few times before he takes a tiny sip of his coffee.

Even’s watching him, he looks happy, somehow he’s really glowing and that makes Even curious as fuck, he wants to know who makes his friend so goddamn happy, that he’s even endurable in the morning “So? You’re gonna tell me or not?”

“Jesus, okay, you're pretty nosy today.” Theo dramatically rolls his eyes before he goes on, causing Even to huff out a laugh “Her name’s Maja. I met her in one of my classes, and yeah she’s awesome. God, that girl drives me wild.” there’s this certain smile on Theo’s lips, Even hasn’t seen it in a while, yeah Theo’s smiling a lot, but that kind of smile Even hasn’t seen it in a while now, the last time was before Theo’s ex-girlfriend fucked him over pretty bad.

“I’m so happy for you, Theo.” Even says, and he really means it, but somehow his words don’t sound that way, not at all and God he can punch himself in the face for it.

Theo notices Even’s non existing enthusiasm in his voice immediately, he knits his eyebrows and says sarcastically “Wow, hold back your enthusiasm, bro.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Theo, I’m really happy for you though it didn’t sound like it at all, but believe me I really am. I love to see that kind of smile on your face again, I missed it, I really did.” Even says apologetically.

Theo slowly nods, he’s scanning Even’s face, while Even takes a sip from his tea, Even knows he wants to ask what's up so he continues “It's just...I’m kinda nervous ‘cause I have an extra appointment at Dr. Svendsen today.”

Theo raises one of his brows, Even’s waiting for him to say something, but he doesn’t, shit the other boy doesn’t pay that it’s the only reason why his eyes are bloodshot red and he looks tired as fuck.

Even exhales loudly “Jesus can’t I have a fucking secret.” Theo snorts and shrugs, Even rolls his eyes at him and says quietly while cupping his mug with both his hands “Mum thinks that my feelings for Isak could be a symptom of a manic episode.”

“Jesus, did she really say that?” Theo asks and his voice became a pitch higher, emphasizing the disbelief in it even more.

“Yeah not, like, with exact these words. But she mentioned Isak and my bipolarity in the same fucking breath and she asked me to please take my pills. So yeah, I don’t know, I kinda feel like she meant it.” Even says and looks down at the mug in his hands.

“Even, I don’t think that’s what Ida meant, she’s just worried, that …you know… that happens again what happened last time.” Theo says softly and lays his hand on Even’s knee.

“Yeah I know… but her words still bother the shit out of me. I don’t want her to be that worried. I hate that.” Even blurts out, after all his mom went through, he doesn’t want her to be worried about him, she needs to look after herself. Even wasn’t the only one who went through hard times, she did as well and not only because of what had happened with Even.

“Moms worry all the time.” Theo squeezes Even’s knee slightly before he brings his hand back up to curl it around his mug “Just talk to her, Ev, say what bothers you.”

“Yeah I think I worry too much as well.” Even chuckles and takes a sip of his tea, he licks his lips and knits his eyebrows, while his eyes wander out the yard. He decides it’s enough about his worries, he doesn't want to darken Theo's good mood, and he'll have enough time later to talk about his issues with his doctor. Plus he finally wants to know about that girl Theo’s seeing, so he grins at his friend and says “Tell me about Maja.”

 

11:32

Even sits down in the light brown leather chair, he shifts in his seat a few times ‘til he finally seems to feel comfortable. His gaze drops instantly down at his lap and he plays nervously with his fingers.

In the corner of his eye he can see that Dr. Svendsen is walking toward the chair in front of him, Even waits ‘til his doctor is seated and he finally looks up in his face.

The doctor smiles softly at him, he always does, his warm brown eyes emit an inner calm and a friendly warmth, and Even feels immediately a little more rooted and he mirrors his smile.

‘How are you doing?’ almost slips out of Even’s mouth, but then he remembers that he isn’t here for small talk with Dr. Svendsen, not to mention that he wouldn’t have answered his question anyway.

The doctor scans Even’s face for another few breaths before his deep, a little husky voice speaks “You look tired, Even.”

“Yeah, I haven’t slept well last night, think I was kinda nervous about today.” Even says and dries his sweaty palms on his jeans.

“There’s no need to be nervous. I think you already know that I don’t bite.” Dr. Svendsen chuckles a little.

Even knows that, he likes Dr. Svendsen, he’s a great doctor, he’s not what makes Even nervous, it’s what this appointment is about and he tells his doctor so.

The doctor nods and scribbles something down on the notepad on his lap “Okay I see. So what do you think about a little different appointment today? I won’t ask you my specific questions, like I always do, and I won't 'push' on specific issues today. You just tell me whatever comes to your mind, whatever you want to talk about, whatever keeps your mind busy at night. But of course if I have questions, I'm gonna ask them.”

Even nods, okay he can live with that, he can do that, it’ll be a little difficult ‘cause he has no fucking clue where to start, but he’ll do that, he’s ready, at least he thinks so.

After a few moments rummaging in his brain, Even decides to start with something light, he knows they already talked about their move in the last appointments but there's one thing he hasn't told his doctor yet, something that bothers him, not as much as other things, but Even thinks it's a good topic to start with. He’s more asking than actually stating his words “Uhm okay … I think I know where I want to start.”

"You can talk about whatever you want, it's up to you today, Even.” Dr. Svendsen says reassuring and shortly nods.

“Okay. Uhm, yeah... I still think the move was the best decision we ever made. Mom, she’s finally herself again. It makes me really happy to see her happy again.” Even smiles to himself “And I thought our move is the mark for a new beginning, you know. Like we leave our old life and all that mess behind, as much as we can, tho. But then I found something in one of my moving boxes.”

Even's silent for a moment, he closes his eyes and sighs “A photograph – four happy smiling people, looking like a goddamn perfect family.”

Even assumes that Dr. Svendsen knows who these four people are, ‘cause he doesn’t ask, of course he knows, he probably can tell from the look on Even’s face.

He takes a deep breath before he goes on “I really thought she threw all his shit away, but then I found that fucking photograph. I don't get it, why keeping a photograph of him? When all he did was almost destroying her… us.” Even’s gaze drops down at his lap again.

“Did you ask your mom why she kept it?” Dr. Svendsen asks and Even startles a little, ‘cause he didn’t expect to hear his doctors voice in the midst of his thinking.

He starts to chew on his inner cheek, he looks up at him and says “No, 'cause I’m afraid she’ll think I'm angry with her, though I’m not.” Even brushes his fingers through his hair “And I’m afraid to cut her wounds open again, when I ask her about it.”

“Even, I know that you're not a fan of confronting people but if you want peace for your mind, you have to ask your mother why she found it necessary to keep that picture. Where's it now, where did you put it?” Dr. Svendsen says.

“I know, I just want to wait for the right moment, you know. Uhm… I put it in a box under my bed.” Even says quietly and it’s silent for a bit, Even’s looking at his doctor, expecting another question, but it's not coming, Dr. Svendsen only writes something down and slightly nods.

It's silent for a bit, Even takes a few breaths, his mind feels already a little lighter, and he doesn’t want to speak about that stupid photograph anymore, he came here to talk about another thing, and now he has already spend too much time speaking about the non-so-important stuff, just to stall the talk about the more important. He's avoiding that topic since the last two appointments, but fuck he can’t avoid that topic forever, he needs to eventually spit it out, ‘cause it’s what’s keeps him up at night, what’s circling his mind.

Dr. Svendsen is patiently waiting for Even to continue to speak, he looks down at his notes and adds another thing, Even builds up his whole courage and blurts out “I met someone.” Maybe he said these words a little too loud, a little too fast, ‘cause for the blink of an eye there's something like light amusement on Dr. Svendsen’s face.

“And I fell in love with him, though I’m still with Sonja somehow.” this words Even speaks calmer and quieter, but they leave a bitter taste in his mouth anyway.

“There’s this nagging voice in my head that tells me I can’t break up with her, cause of all we’ve been through, cause of all she has done for me. Back then when I looked at her, it always made me smile, I got that certain feeling that told me “I fucking love that girl.” But it’s not like that anymore.” Even rubs his fingers over his eyes.

“And she thinks we still got a chance, she thinks I just need a breather, a little break. But that break only made me realize, I mean I still love her, I really do, but not in a romantic way, just like a best friend. And as if that mess isn’t already enough I met Isak and I fell for him. I think my mom is worried that my feelings for Isak could only be a symptom of a manic episode.”

Even stops there, stops the flood of words and looks at Dr. Svendsen, who has a little amused smile on his lips, why the hell is he smiling like that, what's so funny about all this mess, isn't he supposed to keep a straight face? Even can't help and spits out a sharp “What?”

Dr. Svendsen doesn't respond to that, the smile slips from his lips, his face becomes straight again “Do you think the same as your mom?”

“No. I mean I wasn’t even thinking about it, ‘til she mentioned it. It doesn’t feel like I’m slipping, not at all.” Even chews nervously on his bottom lip.

His doctor nods and scribbles something down again, Even's curios what it is, but probably it's better he doesn't know, he looks up to Even again and says “Even I know you don't want to hear this, but we need to adjust you're medication.”

Even opens his mouth, ready to fire the words out, but Dr. Svendsen holds his hand up to stop him “Please let me continue before you get in a lather. I don't think you're slipping either, you're just in love. But. You have a lot on your mind, the stuff with Sonja, Isak and your mom, and it keeps you up at night, am I right?”

“On some nights yeah.” Even admits with a quiet voice.

“Have you taken any downers the last couple of days?” Dr. Svendsen asks “You stick to your current medication? A pill after breakfast and one before going to bed?”

Even nods, yeah he has taken all his fucking pills, every single one, though on some days he wanted to throw them in the toilet, but he took them 'cause he knows he has to “No I haven't taken any downers, I wanted to talk to you first. And yeah I stick to the schedule, doc.”

“Good, so I suggest you to increase the dose from one to two pills before you go to bed, this will help you to get some sleep. In the mornings you stick to the old schedule. Okay?” Dr. Svendsen raises one brow “We'll keep this 'til you have figured stuff with Sonja and your mom out. You really have to do that Even, okay? You know stress can trigger an episode.”

Even just nods, he knows it's supposed to be good, but the higher dose will probably leave him a little foggy, but he knows that won't last forever, just 'til his body gets adjusted to it. And God he knows slipping in another episode is so much worse than feeling foggy for a few days.

“Okay good, so you get a new prescription, and there's something else I want you to do 'til our appointment next week.” Dr. Svendsen stands up and walks to his desk, sits down on his chair and writes Even's prescription.

“What's that?” Even asks curiously, his eyes following his doctor.

“Even, you need to sort that mess out, you need to talk to Sonja. You need to tell her what's up, she deserves the truth. You need to make a decision Isak or Sonja, you know you can't have both, not like that. You have to choose.” Dr. Svendsen says softly, with a little smile on his face

As he hears his doctor’s last sentence Even smiles and all he can think about is 21:21, yeah Even knows how he will decide, he just needs one more day to pick up the courage to do what he has to, just one more day, tomorrow he’ll talk to Sonja.

Even stands up from the leather chair and walks up to his doctor, Dr. Svendsen reaches him the new prescription and Even takes it and says “Thanks, doc. See you next week then.”

Before Even leaves the room, his doctor says “And talk to your mom about that photograph, alright?”

“Yeah.” Even nods, and in that moment he doesn’t know, that this conversation with his mom will happen sooner than he'll expect it to.

 

13:16

Even's walking up the front yard as he hears the sounds of his mother's piano coming from inside the house, he slows down his steps, he swallows, it has been a while since his mother has played on it, to be exact it had been 43 days, yeah Even counted the days. When they lost his father, she didn't play the piano for more than a year, for 432 days, and that time Even didn't play his guitar either, 'cause it reminded him too much of him, too much memories and back then it somehow felt like the music left the house with his father.

Even quietly opens the front door, steps in and takes off his jacket and toes off his shoes. He walks up to his mother's den with slow and silent steps, listening to the melody she's playing and the words she's singing...


We take a chance from time to time
And put our necks out on the line
And you have broken every promise that we made
And I have loved you anyway

…'Cause you have taken
All the wind out from my sails
And I have loved you just the same

…And you have cursed me
When there's no one left to blame
And I have loved you just the same

And you have broken every single fucking rule
And I have loved you like a fool


Even closes his eyes and exhales loudly, that song's for him, Frederik, that fucking asshole. He doesn't deserve a song not even a mean one, he's not worth a single note she's singing.

He turns around and makes his way to his room, he needs to ask his mom about that stupid photograph, he needs to know why she wants to keep it.

He steps quickly toward his bed and slips the box out from underneath it and opens it, he looks at the framed picture wrapped in paper and takes it out, he hastily removes the paper and walks down with the photograph, ready, more or less, to confront his mother.

As he walks back downstairs the house is quiet, too quiet, he walks to his mother's den. Ida's sitting there in front of the piano, fingers still on the ivories, staring into space. Even doesn't want to interrupt her thinking, but he needs an answer and it can't wait, maybe he won't find the courage to ask her some time later, so it needs to be now, now is the right moment he waited for. Even clears his throat for Ida to notice his presence.

She startles a little, she turns her head and a little smile appears on her lips "Honey. You're already home?"

"Yeah I didn't feel like school after the appointment. So I got home." Even answers and takes a few steps closer to her.

His mother slowly nods, Even knows she wants to know what Dr. Svendsen said but this needs to wait now, the photograph is more important, Even can see that her eyes wander down to his hand, in which he's holding the photograph, he's holding it with a really tight grip, somehow he hopes it will break in his hand, he won't care if it'll hurt him.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale, Ev." Ida asks, she stands up and steps a little closer to her son "What is that?" she asks and takes the frame out of Even's hand.

"That's exactly what I wanted to ask you, mom." Even says and scans his mother’s face.

Ida’s stroking her fingers over the picture, a little smile appears on her lips, it’s very quiet in the house and Even can’t stand that silence so he breaks it “I found it in one of my moving boxes.” there's a little break before he adds “I thought you destroyed every picture of him.”

“Yeah I did, except for this one. I wanted to keep it." Ida says and looks at her son.

Even bites down his bottom lip, he really tries to sound calm and not angry, he just wants to understand “Why?”

A smile dances on Ida’s lips as he answers "Because it reminds me that we also had good times, you know."

"Mum... but the few good moments don't make up for the many bad ones... and you know there were too fucking many of them." Even takes a step closer to his mom and lays a hand on her shoulder.

"I know, honey, but he was the first man after your dad and...." Ida’s smile fades a little, Even can see tears forming in her eyes.

“Mom…” he pulls his mother in a warm, comforting hug.

"You don't think I should keep it, right?" his mum asks, her voice is shaking.

"If you want to keep it, keep it, it's your decision, mom." Even gently strokes her back.

"It's such a nice picture. Sonja and you look so happy together." Ida sighs.

"Yeah, we were happy." Even frees his mom from their embrace and he looks her in the eyes “We were.”

Ida wipes away her tears and says "I'll throw it away, I will, but not today, honey. I think I'm not strong enough yet."

"That's okay." Even smiles comforting at her, he knows how much she loved that guy, how invested she was in their relationship though he wasn't, not even half as much as she was. Even’s heart broke for her ‘cause he knew how hard it was for her to let someone new in her life after his dad passed away, it took her 3 years but unfortunately she fell in love with Frederik. A good looking, charming and nice guy, Even understood why she fell for him, but unfortunately that was just a façade, he showed his true face as soon as Ida was hooked.

Ida places the framed photograph, face down, on the cupboard beside them, she sits down on the little cushioned bench in front of the piano again, she nods to the free place beside her, Even gets the hint and sits down.

“How was the appointment with Dr. Svendsen?” his mother asks with a quiet, a little insecure voice.

Even smiles at her “It was alright, a got a new prescription, I need to take two pills before going to bed now, 'til I have sorted some things out.”

And then his mom says something that surprises Even “Don't worry honey everything's going be fine, it won't end like the last time.”

“You think so?” Even says still a little surprised.

“Yeah, you got this honey.” she places a kiss on her son's cheek, Even smiles at his mother and Ida leans his head on his shoulder, they sit like that for a while.

 

****

21:28

Isak's sitting at his desk, head bend over one of his school books, he's barely able to keep his eyes open, he exhales loudly and rubs his fingers over his tired eyes.

It was an awfully exhausting day at school and Isak wanted to go right to bed when he came home, but he had to work through some shit and study a little for some test.

His mind and body are tired, so fucking tired, he doesn't even know if he have memorized anything what he's been reading the last 3 hours.

And then there's this worry nagging on his mind, where's Even? Why wasn't he at school today? Is he avoiding him? Did something happen?

All this question circling his exhausted mind, leaving him restless and some kind of anxious.

Isak closes the book lying in front of him, he decides it's enough for today, he needs some rest, he can't concentrate on this shit anyway.

He grabs his dark red hoodie from the back of his chair, shrugs it on and covers his blond curls with the hood.

His stands there for a few breaths, looking around his room, not really knowing what he should do now.

Isak's glance wanders back to his desk, up to Even's drawing, pinned right above it.

Why did Even draw something beautiful like this and then he kinda avoids Isak?

Even was in school yesterday, Isak saw him, he smiled at the other boy, but somehow he seemed to be too occupied with his own thoughts to even notice Isak, or was he just ignoring him?

Was it all just a game for Even in the end? Did he only want to find out, if he's into guys? Was Isak just a little experiment, a little relief from his relationship with Sonja? Is he back with Sonja and is he just too gutless to tell Isak what's up?

Isak groans and leans his head back in his neck, he's sick of the radio silence between them, for fucks sake Even's living right next to him, so why not just go there and ask what the fuck's up?

Isak huffs out a laugh about that stupid idea, sure as fuck Isak's not going over there and acting all like some goddamn drama queen, and aside from that Isak's also a little anxious about what Even would say. No he won't go there.

He walks up to his window, opens it, hoping he will at least hear Even playing tonight, but beside their neighbor's dog barking and a few cars driving along the main street, it's pretty quiet outside.

Isak climbs out the window anyway, lays down on his back on the awning and looks up at the sky, staring at the stars.

How many Isak's are lying just like that on an awning, looking at the stars, how many of them are braver than the Isak in this universe and walk up there to talk to Even?

Goddammit, Isak wishes he could shut his brain down, just for a little while, all this questions are slowly driving him crazy.

And then somehow the universe seems to mean it well with Isak, 'cause his train of thoughts gets interrupt by the familiar strains of Even's playing.

Isak sighs, and it feels like someone lifted some of the weight on his shoulder, just a little, but it's enough to calm his mind down a little.

Isak's head automatically turns to look if Even's sitting on his balcony, maybe he is but Isak can't see him, cause Even's room is dark tonight.

So he slowly closes his eyes and listens..

 

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates, I can't escape

I love you 'till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say....

 

When the song's over Isak slowly opens his eyes, a frown showing on his forehead, Even sounded so different today. Is he crying? No it didn't sound like that, his voice sounded more nostalgic today, like he was singing that song for someone he misses.

He grabs out his phone, he decides to let this be a universe in which he won't do just nothing and wait, he decides to a little brave and text the other boy, though he may seem clingy. He doesn't care in this moment, he just wants Even to know that he heard his song, that he's there if he needs him.

 

Isak: Hei, missed you in school today. Heard your song, I hope everything's okay.

 

****

Even sits at his balcony, just like he did in the morning, he looks at the sky, it's a clear night and it's a little chill. Even's holding his phone in his right hand, his thumb hovering above the keyboard, he doesn't know what to text, but he needs to, he needs to finally sort things out and he needs to tell Sonja about Isak.

A few breaths later, he eventually picks up the courage and looks down to his phone and starts to type the text.

 

Even: Hi Soni. Tomorrow breakfast at KB 8:30?

Sonja: Sounds great, Ev ♥


Even exhales loudly, shit he knew Sonja would take this the wrong, and maybe he should've written his text a little different to not raise any false hopes, but now it's already too late, and there's no turning back either, he needs to clear things with Sonja.

He puts his phone back in his pocket, stands up from the tiled floor and walks in his dark room, he's standing right in front of his guitar, he looks at its silhouette for a moment, not sure if he should take it out of its holder and play on it. He closes his eyes for a moment, taking a few breaths, Even's mind wanders back to the day when his mom started to play her piano again, after 432 long days.

 

It was a cold day in February, he come home from school, when he found his mother sitting in front of the piano, she looked at him with tears in her eyes, and some of them were already rolling down her cheeks "Honey get your guitar. It's time. He wouldn't have want us to stop with it."

Even looked at her with wide eyes for a few breaths, he only noticed that he was crying as well, when his mom came up to him and wiped his tears away with her thumbs before she pulled him in a warm hug.

They played the song his father had been singing when he first saw Ida in that bar, the song he sang before he asked her if she would marry him, their wedding song, the song Ida was singing at his funeral. Their song.

It took a while 'til Even had pulled himself together, he took a deep breath before he stroke over the strings of his guitar, he expected it to feel strange but the guitar felt good in his hands, it didn't feel like he hadn't played on it for more than a year.
His mother put her fingers on the ivories and they played together for the first time in 432 days.

 

Even feels a tear running down his cheek, he quickly wipes it away, he opens his eyes again and stretches his hand out and grabs his guitar, no he won't stop playing his guitar for that long again, his father wouldn't have want that, he loved music, and so does Even, and he likes the thought of his father staying a little alive through his music.

Even steps back out at the balcony sits down cross legged, places the guitar on his lap, he looks up in the sky as his fingers begin to stroke over the strains of his guitar and his voice starts to form the words of his parent's song...


…Oh why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me, catch my breath

I love you 'till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
'Cause all I can say

I love you 'till the end

 

Even sits there for a few more breaths, looking up in the sky, his fingers still on the strings of his guitar, thinking about his dad.

Tears drop down his cheeks, and he lets them fall, tonight he lets them fall, he needs to let them out, he can't keep everything inside all the time, tonight he doesn't want to be brave and act like he's strong, not tonight.

He puts his guitar aside, takes a deep breath and wipes the tears from his cheeks, he turns his head a little and he sees that Isak's room is still dimly lit. Did he hear him playing? Is he lying on the awning?

The phone lying beside him on the tiled floor pings, and Even smiles as he sees it's a text from Isak, he grabs the phone up and opens their conversation.

Even's smile grows bigger as he reads the text, he really wants to walk over there, cuddle up with Isak in bed, talk to him, make him smile and kiss him, but he can't, not tonight. Today things were just a little too much, and he needs to sort shit with Sonja out first, but he types an answer, 'cause he doesn't want Isak to worry.

 

Even: You missed me? ♡ I'll come over tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Onsdag 8:24

Even's already sitting in the very corner at the Kaffebrenneriet, he's looking out the big window, his hands cupping a mug with tea, another mug is placed at the place right in front of him, a latte with soy milk and a dash hazelnut syrup, the sort Sonja loves to drink in the mornings.

Even's nervous as fuck and he feels sick in the stomach, last night he went through probably every possible scenario how this will end today before he fell in a restless sleep.

His heart got heavier and heavier with every step he got closer to this place, he was relieved when he entered the coffee shop and Sonja wasn't already here, so there were another few minutes to compose himself, another few minutes to prepare the words he wants to say to her.

Even looks down at his cup, with every minute closer to 08:30 he plays with the thought to postpone his meeting with her. Just another day, but no he can't, he can't keep running away from this, he needs to talk to her, she deserves the truth.

When Even looks up from his cup, his eyes meet Sonja's, she's smiling down at him “Hei, Ev.”

Even didn't hear her entering the coffee shop, it takes him a few seconds to respond “Hei, Soni.” He forces a smile, but it doesn't really work and he can see that Sonja's smile fades a little.

She sits down in front of him and she lays her hand on his “So, how comes that you texted me?” she chuckles awkwardly and Even starts to feel even more uncomfortable, shit he doesn't know how to respond to that, he searches for the right words, are there even any “right” words in this situation? Does it matter what he says, it ends with breaking her heart anyways, no matter how or what he says, fuck, why didn't he postpone this. Obviously his answer takes too long 'cause Sonja looks at him with knitted eyebrows and she asks quietly “Even?”

Even pulls his hand slowly away from Sonja's and brushes with it through his hair, he doesn't place it back on the table, he bites down his bottom lip before he says “Sonja, there's … I met someone.” And there it is, he finally spit it out and there's Sonja's face, it looks exactly how Even imagined it.

He can see the exact second when her heart breaks and tears start to form in her eyes. Even sees the sadness, the heartbreak, the last bit of hope dying, and he's ashamed that he's the one who's doing this to her, to the girl he once loved with all his heart.

She looks away from him, down at her cup, she presses her eyes shut, a tear rolls down her cheek, and Even feels like shit, even worse than expected.

It's quiet between them, Even wants to pull her in a hug, but he knows it's a terrible idea, so he doesn't.

Sonja wipes her fingers over her eyes and exhales loudly before she says “Is it something serious? Are you in love?”

Even doesn't know what to say, yeah he is in love with Isak, so in fucking love, it's almost disgusting how much he likes the other boy, but he can't say this shit to Sonja, so he only nods “Yeah.”

Sonja looks up in Even's eyes, a sad smile graces her lips “It's Isak, am I right? I saw the way you look at him. You used to look at me like that...” her words crack, and in this moment Even can feel a piece of his heart breaking, God and he wished so bad he could make this any easier for her.

Fuck, he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't want to make it even worse “I'm sorry Soni.”

Even lays his hand on Sonja's and squeezes it slightly, Sonja looks at him, her eyes still teary, that sad smile still on her lips “Fuck, I was hoping it's just a fling, nothing serious.”

“Soni.. I...” Even can't say anything to that without hurting her even more, he just can say sorry over and over again, but he knows it won't change shit, it doesn't change the fact that Sonja's heart is broken, it doesn't change the fact that Even's in love with someone else.

Sonja's slowly getting up from her seat, Even does as well, he takes a step closer and it seems like Sonja knows that he wants to hug her 'cause she whispers “Please don't, just don't.”

Even nervously bites on his bottom lip and slowly nods “Sorry.”

She turns around and leaves the coffee shop, Even watches her walking away, not able to move a muscle. He watches her walking by the big window, she wipes away her tears and wraps her arms around herself. Even stands there, still frozen, and he feels awful, awful because he's so relieved.

 

****

 

13:52

Isak's walking down the street, carrying a shopping bag stuffed with some groceries in his right hand. He went home from school earlier 'cause his aunt Malin will bring his little cousin Mia today. Isak's really looking forward to spend some time with Mia, but he would never admit it to someone else, he really adores this little girl, though she can be an annoying little monster.

When Isak steps along the front yard towards the front door, he hears strains of a guitar coming from the neighbor yard, but Even's not playing a melody, it sounds more like he's tuning his guitar.

Isak smiles, he unlocks and opens the door, steps in the deafening silence and toes off his shoes. He takes a deep breath before he walks in the kitchen with quick steps.

He places the shopping bag on the kitchen counter, wipes the slight film of sweat from his forehead and walks back to the living room and opens the French window, so he can hear if Even's playing a song, he doesn't care that the unusual hot September air is streaming in the house.

Isak slowly walks back in the kitchen and stows away the groceries, when he's done, Even's still not playing, Isak stands in the kitchen, thinking for a few breaths what he's going to do next. He takes a look at the clock, 13:52, so good half an hour 'til Malin and Mia will show up, Isak grabs a water bottle from the fridge and jogs up the stairs to his room.

He opens his window and climbs out on the awning, he doesn't care that it's too hot for this today, he wants to be out there and listen when Even's playing on his guitar.

Isak sits out there, his eyes squeezed shut 'cause the sun's blinding him, for a second he thinks about going back inside, but in this second Even starts to play a song and Isak decides he can bear the heat for another five minutes.

Even's definitely playing somewhere in their yard, but Isak can't find him anywhere, probably he's playing at the pool, there are just too many fucking plants, Isak can't see shit.

Isak leans back on his hands and listens to Even's song and his heart sinks a little as he listens closer to the lyrics...

 

I can remember the good old days
When you and me used to hide away
Where the stars were shining or the sun was blinding our eyes

Yeah you filled up my glass
With promises that could never last
But I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind

And all of the things that we once said
Are not in my heart, they're in my head
That was the time to say goodbye
Let's put it to rest yeah, let it die

'Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now
Yeah we've been down that road before
That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name
Now it just don't feel the same
Guess it's over, yeah we're done

 

Isak swallows hard, shit is Even singing about them, is it already over before it even started? When Even ends the song, Isak's still sitting out there on the awning, not able to move a muscle, stiff, he can't even feel the heat out here anymore.

Will Even come over today and end things, is there even anything to end? Isak leans back up from his hands and wraps them around his knees, why is he so cold when the sun's burning down on his skin? Isak stares out in the distance, shit he needs to pull himself together before Malin and Mia show up, he can't have an emotional break down right now, he needs to compose himself.

He startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder, shit is it already that late? He was so occupied with his thoughts he didn't even hear Malin and Mia coming.

Isak turns his head, but it's not Malin or Mia who's looking down at him, Isak looks in blue, shining eyes.

“Halla.” Even smiles brightly and sits down beside him.

It takes a while 'til Isak finally responds with a hoarse voice “Hei.” He frees his legs from his hands, he doesn't want to look as tensed as he feels.

It's silent between the two boys, both of them staring out in the distance, Isak thinks about what he could say to break this awkward silence, but Even is the first to speak.

He clears his throat and Isak turns his head to look at the other boy, Even's glance is still pinned out in the distance “I told Sonja about you. Us. And we broke up.”

Oh. Okay that's totally not what Isak expected to hear, he exhales relieved the air he was holding in since Even spoke the first word of his sentence. Than this song wasn't about him, it was about Sonja, relief washes over Isak's body and he wants to scream 'cause he's so fucking happy but at the same time he feels bad for Sonja, and for Even, they've been together for such a long time, Isak can only imagine how Even's feeling right now.

Even turns his head, his blue eyes locking with Isak's green ones, Even seems to understand Isak's silence, so he asks “What do you think about that?”

“It's awesome.” Isak blurts out, and immediately regrets that stupid answer, Jesus why can't he be more considerate, Even just ended a four year long relationship and he says it's awesome, Isak quickly adds “I mean if you're sad then I hope it's not my fault.”

Even huffs out a laugh and lays his hand on Isak's cheek “I'm not sad, Isak.”

“Nei?” Isak leans in the touch.

“Nei.” Even slowly shakes his head, he leans closer and places a soft kiss on Isak's lips, brushing his fingers through his blond curls.

Even gently rubs his nose against Isak's, and Isak smiles, he leans his forehead against Even's, their eyes are still locked.

Isak leans back and studies Even's face for a few breaths, looking for any evidence of doubt about his decision but he can't find any. So Even chose him, he really did and Isak couldn't be happier, he could embrace the whole goddamn world.

Even takes Isak's hands in his, and Isak ditches a breath, that touch is so simple but yet so tender, Even's thumbs are drawing circles on the back of Isak's hands, Even opens his mouth, he wants to say something, but at this moment Isak's phone goes off.

Isak smiles apologetically at him “Sorry, but I need to take this.” Even mirrors his smile and slowly nods.

He grabs out his phone and takes the call “Hei. Alright, I'm coming.” He hangs up the phone, and he can feel Even's confused look on him.

“I promised my aunt to look after my little cousin today, 'cause she's taking my mum to the clinic.” Isak explains with a smile on his lips, oh shit the part with his mum just sliped out, he hopes Even doesn't ask about her and thank God he doesn't.

“Oh. Okay.” Even mirrors Isak's smile before they climb back in Isak's room and make their way downstairs, and even if it's just for a few seconds Isak takes Even's hand and intertwines their fingers, Even looks from their hands to Isak's face with a fond smile on his face.

Before Isak walks to the front door, he pulls Even closer and kisses him, loving and slow, Even's hand grabbing Isak's neck to pull him even closer, to deepen their kiss even more, and Jesus that lets Isak fucking melt, he's so lost in their kiss that he totally forgets about his aunt and his little cousin, who are probably already waiting outside.

Even smiles at Isak's lips and breaths "Isak as much as I hate to end this here, but I think your aunt is already waiting."

They break apart and Isak takes Even's hands in his, he looks him in the eyes and looks nervously down to their intertwined fingers and back up to Even's eyes, he bites down on his bottom lip and asks “You wanna keep Mia and me company?”

“I'd love to.” Even smiles and places a soft, short kiss on his lips.

Isak can't help but smile, smile like a dumb lovesick idiot, he opens the door and walks outside, he turns around and indicates Even to follow him.

Isak walks down the front yard and his smile grows even bigger when he sees Mia running towards him, her honey blond curls waving beside her head, on her face a big smile as she shouts “Issy, I missed you.”

The little girl jumps right in his arms, and Isak catches her, and turns around with her a few times, God how he missed this little girl.

Mia wraps her arms around Isak's neck and giggles “Stop. My head starts swimming.”

Isak laughs, places a kiss on her cheek and smiles “I missed you too, pumpkin.” God this could probably be the best day of his goddamn life so far, is it even allowed to be this happy?

In this moment Isak totally forgot that Even's standing right behind him, and he can feel his cheeks heating up, no one besides his family has ever seen him interact with Mia, not even Jonas, and Isak's a little embarrassed, but just a tiny bit.

“Who's that?” Mia whispers in Isak's ear, interrupting his thoughts.

“Mia, that's Even.” Isak smiles at the little girl in his arms, and there's a spark in her eyes and Isak knows right away that she knows, that little girl can read him better than anyone.

“Hei, Even. I'm Mia.” the little girl says friendly and waves over Isak's shoulder to Even.

“Hei Mia.” Even smiles fondly at the little girl, and Isak can see something in his eyes, but can't figure out what it is.

Isak lets the little girl down to the ground and walks down a few more steps, stepping out the front yard, Malin is half out and half in the car and she smiles as soon as she sees Isak “Hei, honey.”

She quickly climbs out the car and wraps Isak in a short but tight hug, Isak enjoys the hug from his aunt and says “Hei.”

When they let go of each other, Isak steps beside Malin and they both look back in the front yard, Mia's walking down to them with Even on her hand.

Isak can't help but smile, God what an adorable view, Isak's heart makes a jump. His glance turns back to Malin and he says “Malin this is Even, Even this is my aunt Malin.”

Even stretches his hand out and greets Isak's aunt with a friendly smile “Hei. Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Malin says, she smiles brightly at him, she looks a moment to Isak and her smile gets even brighter, Isak wants to roll his eyes but he doesn't and he has a really hard time trying not to blush like a caught fool.

Malin claps her hands together and says “Boys I need to hurry, I'm already a little late. Take care of my little one. I think it won't take long, but I text you as soon as I know more.” Malin's hand is brushing gently over Mia's hair.

Mia smiles at her mom and hugs her “Don't worry momma, Issy got this.”

Isak nods and grins “See, the pumpkin has spoken. But seriously we'll be fine, don't worry, Mal.”

Malin nods and pulls Isak in another hug “I love you, honey.” On an other day, or in another company than Even Isak would've been so fucking embarrassed, but Isak feels okay to let Even see him like this, let him see that he's more than his snapbacks, acting cool in front of his friends or being the grumpy boy. Isak hugs her even tighter and before Malin gets back in the car, she hands Isak a little pink backpack and he helps Mia to put it on her back.

They wave Malin goodbye as she drives away, Isak looks down at Mia and asks “Piggyback?”

“You're really asking?” Mia says with raised eyebrows “Of course, piggyback.” she grins brightly at him and hops on Isak's back and wraps her arms around him. Isak grabs her legs and starts to run towards the house, causing Mia to giggle in the sweetest way.

Mia jumps from Isak's back when they enter the hall, they toe off their shoes and walk in the living room, Even follows them, still that awkward fond smile on his face.

Mia tugs on Isak's shirt and indicates Isak to bend down to her, and so he does, Mia cups Isak's ear with her hands and whispers “Do you think your boyfriend likes me?”

Isak's eyes widen a little and he blushes, Jesus his face is probably ten shades redder now, but then he chuckles and whispers back “How could he not? You're adorable.”

He pecks her cheek and starts to tickle his little cousin, she starts to giggle and shouts “Stop it.”


****

Even leans against the door frame, watching Isak and Mia, his heart bursting with love, Jesus he knew that behind Isak's grumpiness is a big heart, that all this acting cool and badass around his friends is only part of his facade, but seeing him here and now with Mia, makes Even's heart melt, it's just so sweet and pure and it makes Even falling even more in love with him.

Mia's still giggling when she announces “I'm gonna grab something to drink.” and runs in the kitchen.

Even steps closer to Isak and places a hand on his back, he smiles at him and says “She's adorable.”

Isak nods, and his cheeks blush, and Even wants to place a kiss on his lips, oh God how bad he wants to place tiny little kisses all over his face, but he doesn't 'cause he doesn't know if Isak wants to show his affection to another boy in front of his little cousin.

Isak mirrors his smile and then much to Even's surprise he places a small but soft kiss on Even's lips, Isak seems to recognize Even's surprise, he chuckles lightly and says “She knows. I can't hide anything from her, she's a little witch, I guess.”

“Oh.” Even smiles and caresses Isak's cheek with his thumb “So what are our plans for today?”

“Since today's pretty hot outside I was thinking about going to Sognsvann lake.” Isak smiles at him.

Mia walks back from the kitchen, a bright smile on her face and Even expects Isak to take a step away from him, but he doesn't, the little girl looks at Even and asks “You're joining us, right?”

“Yeah sure.” Even mirrors her precious smile, how can he say no to her, that's probably not even possible.

About half an hour later, the three of them sit in Ida's big ass cars, on their way to the lake. A song from Gabrielle is filling the car and Even and Mia are singing along, Even shortly looks at Isak, who's sitting in the passenger seat and watches Even singing with his little cousin, he has a smile on his lips and Even mirrors it, but not missing to sing any word of the song.

When they got to the lake, they seek a shady spot under some trees, when Even decides they have found the perfect spot, he stretches out a blanket on the grass and they sit down on it. Even and Isak shed their shirts, they put on their trunks already at home before they got here,  Even tries to steal some glances at Isak, without the other boy noticing. But of course Isak notices, he laughs lightly and tries to hide the blush on his cheeks.

Isak helps Mia with putting on some sunscreen, and Even decides it wouldn't be suspicious for anyone when he lotions Isak's back. First Isak twitches 'cause of Even's touch, and his shoulders tense up a little, but he starts to relax with every second Even's hands are on his back.

Isak helps Mia putting on her swim floats and Even's still lotioning Isak's back, okay he's more stroking his back now, Mia walks across the meadow towards the jetty, Isak turns to Even and grins at him "Thanks to you I can walk down to the water with a boner."

Even barks out a laugh, squeezes Isak's neck gently and says "Sorry, that was totally not my intention."

"Sure." Isak rolls his eyes at him, before he turns his glance back to his little cousin, Mia runs along the jetty and jumps right into the water, both boys watch her with a smile on their faces, Even stands up, wanting to follow Mia but Isak grabs his arm and holds him back “Wait a second. I need to ask you something.”

“Okay?” Even looks at Isak with raised eyebrows, does he really want to ask him something or is he just playing out time to get rid of his boner, Even grins at him.

“No shit, I really want to ask you something." Isak rolls his eyes again and chuckles before he goes on "Uhm...you wanted to say something on the awning before my phone went off. What was it?” Isak looks at Even, nervously biting on his bottom lip.

“Uhm I just wanted to ask you, what your parents might think of us being together.” Even takes his eyes from Mia and smiles at Isak.

Even notices that Isak's body tenses, the other boy takes his eyes from him and looks back at the lake to Mia, he knits his eyebrows and he seems to think.

Even starts to get a little nervous, he either met Isak's mom nor his dad, he only knows that Isak's aunt is in the clinic with Isak's mother in this right moment, but he doesn't know why and he has no clue where Isak's father is, maybe he has no father anymore like Even, maybe his parents are divorced, or maybe his father is on a business trip.

“I guess they would be okay with it. I don't know.” Isak finally says, he wraps his arms around his knees, his eyes still pinned at Mia, who's dabbling in the lake.

Even knits eyebrows, oh it seems like Isak's parents don't know that Isak's into boys, Even lays his hand on Isak's arm, and Isak takes his eyes from Mia and looks in Even's blue eyes.

Even studies his face for a second and he gently strokes Isak's cheeks with the back of his hand, Isak leans in the touch and he sighs “I guess my dad won't mind.”

“But your mum?” Even asks quietly, and suddenly there's sadness in Isak's eyes.

“My mom... uhm Even my mum is mentally ill, that's the reason why Malin is in the clinic with her today, that's the reason why you've never seen her since you moved in next door.” Isak says, his voice barely a whisper.

“Oh.” Even doesn't know what to say, he didn't expect this.

“She has delusions about the world to end and stuff like this.” Isak says, his voice cracks and Even can see tears forming in his eyes, shit he doesn't want to make him sad, they are here to have fun with Mia. Shit.

“Sounds tough.” Even says and squeezes Isak's arm, looking back at Mia, who's laughing and having fun in the water.

“Yeah on some days I hate it at home. On some days I just want to pack my shit and leave. On some days I ask myself if my life would be better without mental ill people in it.” Isak admits “And shit I know it's such an awful thing to say, but sometimes all this is just too fucking much.”

Oh fuck.

Even feels a sting in his heart, he wanted to tell Isak about his bipolar today, he wanted to speak it out, but he can't say it now, not today, maybe never. Fuck if he had known Isak's mother has an mental illness too, he would've said it earlier.

Fuck, I will lose him.

Isak coughs awkwardly before he asks “What do you think will Ida say?”

Even huffs out a laugh and says “You serious? She adores you, Isak.” Even brushes his fingers through Isak's hair, the other boy lays his hand on Even's, looks at him, now a smile on his face and Even mirrors it.

Even stands up, grabs Isak's hands and helps him up on his feet, and Even wants to kiss him so bad, but he doesn't dare, he doesn't want to make Isak feel uncomfortable.

Isak licks his lips, a knowing smirk on his lips, he pecks Even's lips, it's such a small and quick touch of their lips, Even barely felt it, but God he feels it in every fiber of his body, Isak just kissed him in a public place.

Isak runs down the meadow to the jetty and jumps in the water, Even stands there, still surprised from Isak's small peck, he watches Isak coming back to the surface with a wide smile on his face as he swims towards Mia.

It takes Even a few more breaths to wake from his thoughts and he jogs down to the jetty and joins Isak and Mia in the water.

They spend a long time in there, splashing water at each other, doing a jump-competition, and just having fun. It's a really great day and all the laughing lets Even forget about all his worries. This right moment with Isak and Mia is just perfect and he could spend the rest of his life in it.

Even's heart grows bigger and bigger the more time he spends with these two, Isak's treating Mia so lovely, it makes Even's heart almost burst, and seeing Isak so happy makes Even fucking happy.

Mia's an adorable little girl, Even has already embosomed her, how could he not, she seems to have no problem when Isak and Even are a little too close to each other, she even let out a few “how-cute's” and “aw's”.

What makes Even even more happy is that Isak doesn't shy away when Mia's making this comments, yeah he blushes but he doesn't seem to be uncomfortable with it around her. Even knows that here in such a public place he can only steal a few glances at Isak and touch him in a non obvious way, he knows Isak's not ready for this, and Even's okay with it, he doesn't want to pressure Isak to do anything he doesn't want to do.

Even's sitting with Mia at the edge of the jetty, taking a short break from their jump-competition, Even turns his head to look at Mia, and finds her staring at him, he raises his eyebrows and asks “What's on your mind, little girl?”

Mia brushes her toes over the water and looks down on her lap, for a second Even gets worried, she looks a little nervous, so different than a few minutes ago, she clears her throat and says with a serious voice “You take care of him, right? Please don't break his heart.”

It's silent between them for a few breaths, Even's a little taken aback, he didn't expect these words coming from a five year old, this little girl cares so much about her older cousin it's adorable. Even looks back at Isak, who's already lying on their blanket, warming up in the sun, he looks back at Mia and smiles “I promise to do my best.”

 

18:01

They're sitting at the kitchen table, everyone of them a plate with a big sandwich in front of them. Mia's taking a huge bite from hers and she smiles brightly at Isak “That actually tastes good, Issy.”

“Yeah?” Isak raises one of his eyebrows, takes a bite from his own and says after swallowing down his bite “Jesus, you're right.”

Both of them start to laugh and Even watches them with knitted eyebrows, he doesn't get what's so funny about Isak's sandwiches actually tasting good.

“You must know, Issy can't cook, like really really not, the last time he made me a sandwich it ended up tasting like poop.” Mia explains laughing.

Even joins her laughter and Isak pouts “Hey, it wasn't that bad.” Mia looks at him and her laugh gets even louder, Isak rolls his eyes “Okay fine it really tasted like sh.. poop.”

They finish the sandwiches Isak made for them and decide to watch some TV. They're lounging on the couch in the living room, Mia insists on watching a Barbie movie, so Isak puts one on, and it doesn't take long 'til Isak and Mia fall asleep, Mia curled up against Isak's side, Isak's arm wrapped around the little girl. It's a gorgeous sight, it makes Even's heart melt for the umpteenth time today.

Isak's phone on the couch table pings, usually Even would never look at Isak's phone, he would never invade his privacy, he only opens the text 'cause there's Malin's name on the screen.

 

 

Mal: Still in the clinic, hope Mia's behaving well. I'll try to hurry up. Sorry, honey.

 

Even hesitates for a second, he doesn't know if he should text Malin back or not, probably Isak will be pretty pissed, but at the same time he doesn't want Malin to worry when she gets no answer. Even takes a deep breath, he looks at Isak, he's still asleep, and the sight is still so fucking adorable that Even decides to send Malin a picture of them.

 

 

Isak: *pic* Don't worry, Malin. Mia's a little angel. Even.

Malin: ♥ :')

 

Even smiles at the screen, locks it again and puts Isak's phone back on the couch table, God he hopes Isak won't get too mad at him for reading and answering Malin's text.

He grabs a blanket and wraps it around Isak and Mia, he leans down and places a soft kiss on Isak lips.

Isak knits his eyebrows and opens his eyes a little, Even smiles down at him and brushes his fingers through Isak's blond curls and whispers “Malin texted you, she's still in the clinic. Is it okay, if I go home? I have a shitload of notes to copy for school.”

Isak slowly nods and whispers “Okay.”

Even leans down to him and places another kiss on the other boy's lips, Isak smiles at him and closes his eyes again, snuggling his little cousin closer.

Even brushes his hand gently over Mia's hair, very carefully so he won't wake her up, he walks up to the French window, and before he steps out on the terrace he takes another look at Isak and Mia, lying curled up on the couch.

 

20:12

Even lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his head is spinning, it was an awesome day at the lake with Isak and Mia, but Isak's words about his mom crawl back in his mind every other minute.

'On some days I hate it at home. On some days I just want to pack my shit and leave. On some days I ask myself if my life would be better without mental ill people in it. Sometimes all this is just too fucking much.'

Would Isak feel the same way about him some day? Would he pack his shit and leave him when things would get to tough? Would he even want to be with him when Isak gets to know that Even's fucking bipolar? Would he lose Isak 'cause he's bipolar? Is his bipolar thwarting his plans again?

“Fuck.” Even grunts, sits up on his bed, rubs his face with his hands and exhales loudly.

Even stands up from his bed, walks towards his balcony, grabs his guitar on the way and sits down at the cold tiled floor out there, placing the guitar on his lap and starts to play.


We do what we have to when we fall in love.

We say what we need to get out when it's not enough.
Whether it's to yourself, or lookin' at someone else.

Everybody lies, lies, lies.
It's the only truth sometimes.
Doesn't matter if it's out there somewhere waiting for the world to find.
Or buried deep inside. Everybody lies.

****


Isak's sitting with Malin at the terrace, Mia's still sleeping on the couch, they didn't want to wake her up already.

“She's staying at the clinic for the next two weeks.” Malin breathes out the smoke of her cigarette “You should come with us. I don't like the idea of you being all alone here.”

Isak huffs out a laugh “Don't worry, Mal, I'm a big boy. I think I can handle it.”

Malin nods she takes another drag of her cigarette before she says “Okay, but if you want, you can come any time, alright?”

“Yeah thanks, Mal.” Isak smiles at her, maybe he's going there for two or three days, so he won't be alone the whole time, he kinda likes the idea to spend a few days with them.

They sit there in silence for a few breathes when the strains of Even's playing fills the evening air.


Just being honest, we're playing for both sides.

It's easy to decieve but it's hard when the trust that's broken is mine.
For better, or for worse, for the happy, for the hurt.

Everybody lies, lies, lies.
It's the only truth sometimes.
Doesn't matter if it's out there somewhere waiting for the world to find.
Or buried deep inside. Yeah, everybody lies.

Everybody lives, and everybody dies.


“Wow, your neighbor has it.” Malin stuns and adds “Though it's a little downbeat, is he always playing such heart wrenching stuff?” She's stubbing out her cigarette in the new ashtray Isak bought 'cause he shattered the old one.

“Hmm not all songs Even's playing are like this.” Isak frowns, what's wrong, why is Even playing such a downbeat song, and what does that mean 'Everybody lies'? Isak decides to grab out his phone and quickly types a text.

 

Isak: Heard your song, pretty downbeat, tho. Is everything okay?

 

“Oh Even's your neighbor?” his aunt smiles at him as he looks back up from the screen and slowly nods and he can feel the blush covering his cheeks, but he doesn't say anything, his fingers nervously thrumming on the screen of his phone.

Malin huffs out a small laugh and says “So do I really need to worm everything out or do you wanna tell me yourself?”

“Huh?” Isak doesn't know what she means, but then he finally gets it and asks with his eyes pinned to his lap “Oh. Uhm. Is it that obvious?”

“I saw that look in your eyes, honey.” Malin says softly and she lays her hand on Isak's nervously thrumming one, and she squeezes is lightly.

Isak looks up in her kind, moss green eyes and suddenly he feels like crying, not because he's sad, just because it feels like someone lifted a little weight from his shoulders “You're not angry or something?”

“Isak, why would I be angry with you?” Malin smiles softly at him, oh God Isak can feel the tears forming in his eyes, he can't answer her question, the lump in his throat's just too big “I don't give a shit if you like boys or girls, or both, the most important thing is that you're happy, honey.”

Isak can't hold back, he stands up from his chair, takes a step to his aunt and wraps her arms around her, he can't even hold back the tears from falling down his cheeks and he cracks out quiet “Thank you, Mal.”

Malin hugs him back, tight and Isak enjoys the embrace, he holds on as long as Malin lets him, she gently strokes his back up and down.

When they let go of each other, Malin studies his face, she wipes away his tears with her thumb and says “We love you, no matter what, Isak.”

That's when Isak feels that someone's standing next to him and is wrapping her short arms around him “Yeah we love you, even when you're grumpy.”

Isak huffs out a laugh and brushes his hand over Mia's hair, yeah he definitely has to spend a few days at their house.

Isak walks down the front yard with Malin and Mia, the little girl climbs on the back seat and before they drive off, she rolls down the window and says with a serious voice “If you and Even get married, I wanna be the flower girl.”

****


Even checks his phone, there's a text from Isak, Even sighs after reading it, and he really wants to just spill the truth, his fingers typing a response at least a dozen times.

"No it's not okay. There's something I need to tell you... I'm bipolar."

But Even deletes it every single time, he can't do this per text message, he needs to tell Isak about his mental illness face to face. Even decides to let Isak's message unanswered, 'cause he doesn't want to lie and he doesn't want Isak to get worried about him.

The phone in his hand pings and Even frowns as he sees that he's got a text from Sonja.

 

 

Sonja: Are you home on Friday? I need to pick up some of my stuff.

Even: Yeah, I should be home from school at 16:00.

Sonja: Okay. I'll text you before I come.

Even: Okay. See you.

 

Even walks in the bathroom, sheds his clothes and steps in the shower, he lets the hot stream run over his face and body. He doesn't know for how long he stands there, hot water raining down on him, but it seems like a while 'cause the water already starts to turn cold.

Even steps out the shower, grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist, he wipes away the steam from the mirror and looks in it 'til he can't longer stand to look at his tired blue eyes.

'On some days I ask myself if my life would be better without mental ill people in it.'

He grabs the glass from the sink and fills it with water, he opens the mirror cabinet and takes the pill box out there, shakes out two pills and throws them in his mouth and swallows them with a gulp of water.

He walks back in his room and throws his body on the bed, waiting for sleep to take over him.

Chapter Text

Torsdag 8:17

Even's lying in bed, watching the rain hitting his window and the rain drops slowly running down the glass, the weather today's so different from yesterday. The day before it was burning hot and today it's chill and rainy, maybe autumn decided to come earlier this year and yesterday was just the last gasp of summer. Thank God school starts an hour later for him today, it's just too cozy in his bed to already get out and he could use the rest anyways.

He has the feeling his meds start to bring about an effect, he slept better last night, though he was dreaming about Isak and those words he said about his mum, it was a light and kinda restless sleep, but still better than no sleep at all.

He still feels a little dizzy, but he also did yesterday and this feeling disappeared through out the first hour after getting up. So his meds seem to be fine, he's fine, everything's fine, beside one thing, Isak doesn't know about his mental illness yet.

Even gets up from his bed, quickly puts on his clothes and jogs down the stairs to the kitchen. The kitchen is empty and so is the living room, the house is quiet, it seems like Ida's still asleep. Even puts the kettle on and grabs a bun from the kitchen counter and takes a bite, he doesn't really want to eat breakfast, but he needs to cause he shouldn't take his medication on an empty stomach.

He's sitting at the kitchen table, taking small and slow bites from his bun, the cup of tea in front of him, when the house telephone rings, Even knits his eyebrows, who the hell is calling them on this connection?

Even stands up and grabs the phone from the kitchen counter and picks the call “Bech Næsheim residence, hello?”

Even waits for the person at the other end of the line to says something, but there's coming nothing, not a single sound.

He takes the phone from his ear and looks at it, checking if he even took the call or if the person has already hung up, but the call is still connected.

Even reaches the phone back to his ear and says for another time “Hello? Can you hear me?”

He waits another few seconds, but there is just silence, Even rolls his eyes, hangs up and says to himself “Didn't know prank calls are still a thing.”

He takes the last bite of his bun and the last sip of his tea, puts the dishes aside and places the phone back on the kitchen counter before he leaves the house and makes his way to school.

On his way there, he decides to tell Isak about his bipolar today, straight forward, he needs to tell Isak the truth, even if it means he will break things with him, he deserves to know.

Yeah Even's really afraid of this, he's not ready to lose Isak, losing Isak would be the end of the world. Oh Even loves how dramatic he's become these last days.

Even's pretty fidgety and nervous during his first class, constantly playing with his pen and tapping his fingers against the table. His teacher and classmates shoot glances at him every now and then but doesn't seem to notice their looks, he wouldn't care anyways. There's just one thought in his head, he needs to talk to Isak.

After class Even's the first to walk out the room, he's full of zest for action, his eyes find Isak strolling down the hall, he catches up to the other boy, grabs his arm and pulls him in an empty classroom.

“What the fuck.” Isak snaps, but as soon as he realizes it's Even who pulled him in there, his face lights up.

Even raises his eyebrows and smiles at him “Halla.”

Isak's tensed body starts to relax, his expression is softer, a smile graces his lips now “Hei. Already missed me?”

“Mhm.” Even hums, yes he really did, he really fucking missed Isak, though they've seen each other only a few hours ago. They spent the whole afternoon yesterday together at the lake with Isak's little cousin, but still Even has the feeling they haven't seen each other in days.

Even closes the door of the classroom and steps closer to Isak, Isak looks tenderly in his eyes, he takes Even's hands in his, just like Even did yesterday, Even smiles at him, it's just a simple gesture but so gentle and so sweet, it makes his heart melt.

Isak licks his lips and cocks his brows, asking if Even's finally going to kiss him, and Even doesn't need to be asked twice, he leans forward, grabs Isak's neck with his hand to pull him closer and brushes their lips together.

They stumble a few steps backwards, Even pins Isak against the wall, Isak's hands desperately clutching at Even's shirt, Even brings his other hand up to cup Isak's face, his thumb caressing his cheek.

Even can feel the other boy's body melting in his hands, Isak grabs his hips and pulls him even closer, causing Even to moan in his mouth, and Jesus if they weren't at school right now he would do so many other things to this beautiful, beautiful boy.

Even's gets so lost in their kissing that he almost forgets about the actual reason he pulled Isak in this room for, yeah to kiss him was a way better reason, but he actually wanted to talk to Isak.

Isak huffs out a small laugh against Even’s lips, Even breaks the kiss and looks at the other boy with one brow raised, Isak grins a little shy at him and breaths “Now I can run around with a fucking boner again, Even.”

“Sorry that's totally not what I had in mind.” Even grins and brushes their lips together for another time.

They break apart, Isak's smiling fondly at Even, and God that look in in his eyes, he looks at him like he hung the fucking moon, and that’s when Even decides it’s time to finally drop the bomb, he needs to spit it out.

Even leans his forehead against Isak’s and breathes on his lips “Isak, I need to tell…”

The school bell rings and there are plenty of footsteps to hear outside, shit, the break’s over.

Isak looks at Even, brushes his fingers through Even's hair and smiles “Come over tomorrow. You can tell me then.”

“Okay.“ Even breaths, shit, he missed his chance, but no need to freak out, there's another chance tomorrow and he’s gonna say it tomorrow, no matter what happens, no coping out.

Isak raises himself a little on tiptoes and places a soft peck on Even’s lips before he walks out the classroom with a bright smile on his face "Bye."

Even mirrors his smile "Bye." He stays in the room for a little while longer, he only leaves as other students start to swarm in and look questioningly at him.

****


Isak walks down the stairs to the gym with quick steps, he's already a little late, probably it doesn't even matter, but he can use this distraction now, he needs to calm his body down from his kissing session with Even.

He quickly changes his clothes, and tries to get rid of this dumb smile in his face, but no matter how hard he tries he can’t stop his lips from curling up in that lovestruck smile.

He sits down on one of the benches in the changing room and takes a deep breath, composing himself, he's just hoping the guys won't notice that his lips are probably a little more red and swollen than usual.

A few minutes later he steps in the gym, his eyes searching for Jonas and Magnus, as he finds Jonas messing around with a football, he walks up to him and says “Hei.”

“Hei, where have you been? I thought you were right behind us when we walked out to the yard?” Jonas looks at him with raised eyebrows, his foot still playing with the ball on the ground.

“What? Uhm yeah sorry, I forgot something in my locker.” Isak stutters and God why the hell does he blush now, shit he's a really bad liar, isn't he.

Magnus jogs towards them and blurts out “Yo Isak, you just came and already look flushed. And what’s up with that weird smile on your face.“ Magnus wags his eyebrows at him and Isak's mouth almost drops open in disbelieve, he really tries to look casual as fuck and not to blush again or look like some deer caught in headlights, but he doubts it works.

Fucking hell Isak hates his bluntness sometimes, why does he need to point this out, doesn’t Magnus have a fucking filter between his brain and his mouth.

“Piss off.“ Isak snaps, shit he doesn't mean to be rude, but he has no clue what he should say instead.

Maybe he can go with 'Yeah I just made out in an empty classroom. And that's the reason for that weird smile.' It would be funny to see their reactions, but this would lead to questions and even more questions and he doesn’t want to tell the guys already, he knows it’s childish and kind of pathetic but it’s just, no Isak can’t, not yet.

He wants to have this for himself, he wants Even to be his little, fucking hot secret a little while longer, just a little, before he lets the gay bomb drop.

"Faen, no need to be rude." Magnus holds his hands up in defeat and pouts, Isak rolls his eyes, Magnus always has a yen to dramatize every little thing.

Jonas looks confused between these two, Isak decides to get away from this kinda awkward and uncomfortable situation so he starts to run a few rounds around the gym.

He just wants to get away from them for a few minutes, he needs to compose himself, shit, he really needs to stop being so rude to his friends, but when he feels caught in the corner it seems like the only right reaction is to snap rudely at them and tell them to fuck off.

And why did Even pull him in that fucking classroom and kissed him, his brain is a total mess since then, he can't even concentrate on any other thing, Isak can just think about Even's tongue brushing against his own, Even's lips on his, Even's lips on his jaw and fuck...

Today Even kissed him differently, it was so hungry and he had something dark in his eyes, not that Isak’s complaining, it was fucking hot, but it felt a little different, Even felt desperate and what is it that he needs to tell him? Is it something serious? Does Isak need to worry?

'Stop it.' Isak shouts to himself in his head 'Calm down, he's gonna tell you tomorrow. Stop worrying and for fucks sake try to act normal around your friends.'

Isak slightly shakes his head to stop that train of thoughts and starts to run even faster.

He’s totally out of breath when he joins Jonas and Magnus again, they both look at him with a questioningly look on their faces and God Isak wants to snap at them again, but he holds it back, instead he forces a smile and asks “Football?”

Jonas and Magnus exchange a look before they both slowly nod, but Isak decides to ignore it, he just can’t be bothered with that now. Isak can see that Jonas has some questions on his mind, of course his best friend noticed Isak's strange behavior around them and that something's up, Isak will answer all them, but not today.

When the gym class is over, Magnus walks beside Isak, and Isak can hear him taking a breath, his body tenses, ready to snap again at the other boy, so he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a short second,  trying to calm himself down and be prepared for one of Magnus' dump questions. But much to Isak's surprise Magnus doesn't ask him a question, instead he states quietly so Jonas can't hear him “I know the reason for that smile.”

Isak freezes in his movement, shit how does he know? Does he know? Did he see Even pulling him in that empty classroom? Did he put one and one together? Why does it need to be Magnus who knows? Or do they all know? Oh God.

Magnus claps his ass before he starts to jog towards the changing room, Isak looks at him with wide eyes, Magnus turns around another time, grins at him knowingly and winks before he eventually leaves to the changing room.

Fucking Magnus.

 

18:37

Isak's lying lazy on the couch, watching TV and thinking about ordering something to eat or going to buy some groceries and make himself something.

He zaps through the TV channels when his phone goes off, Isak rolls his eyes and grabs it out of his pocket, he looks at the screen and exhales loudly. Jesus.

“Hei Eskild.” he greats the boy at the other end of the line and Isak doesn't mean too sound that annoyed, he really doesn't.

“It's nice to hear you too, grumpy kitten.” Eskild chirps in the phone “What are your plans for today?”

“I just wanna be lazy, so lying on the couch and watching TV.” Isak answers, this time his voice sounds way friendlier.

“Sounds great, we're coming over.” Eskild states.

“Nei Eskild. I'm tired as fuck.” Isak sighs but it's too late Eskild has already hung up.

Isak throws his phone beside him on the couch “Fyfaen Eskild.”

Then the door bell rings, Isak frowns, are they already here or is this someone else, maybe Even?

Isak jumps up from the couch, makes his way towards the front door and swings it open, he looks in two smiling faces.

“Hei. We brought Kebab.” Eskild sings, he's holding up the bag in his hand and the smile on his face grows even bigger, Linn stands beside him and shrugs, the smile on her face apologetically.

“Fyfaen.” Isak exhales loudly, steps aside to let them in, Eskild and Linn toe off their shoes and put off their jackets.

Eskild places the bag on the kitchen table and throws his body on the couch, Linn sits down right beside him, her legs crossed.

Isak opens the bag and grabs the food out there, he hands his friends their Kebabs and sits down beside Linn.

“So you're still all alone?” Linn asks before she takes a bite from her Kebab.

Isak nods and swallows down the bite in his mouth “Yeah. My aunt was at the clinic with my mum yesterday, she'll stay there for the next two weeks or so.”

“That's good, isn't it?” Linn smiles and Eskild nods excited, his mouth full.

“Yeah I guess.” Isak shrugs, he learned the last couple of years that he shouldn't raise his hopes that high, 'cause this isn't the first time his mum's in the clinic, the last time he was there she stuck to the medication for whole 2 months before she decided to not take them anymore. So yeah Isak learned to hold his hope low.

“But she's trying, that's a good start.” Linn says and pats Isak knee, and Isak nods, yeah at least she's trying, that counts right?

They eat and talk about this and that, it's actually pretty nice that these two came over to visit Isak, he really missed their company.

When they have finished their Kebabs they get all comfortable on the couch and rewatch a series, Isak's eyes are pinned on the TV now, Linn's head leaned against his shoulder.

“Faen, I hate them for writing Mickey off.” Linn sighs.

“Yeah the writers are assholes, he has such a great character development.” Isak agrees “I mean he was that closeted guy, afraid of his sexuality and his homophobic violent asshole father. And look at him now, taking care of Ian and trying to do his best to help him with his illness. I just don't get why they wanted to get rid of his character, it just doesn't make any sense.”

“Yeah right?” Linn agrees with Isak and nods, Eskild looks at Isak with wide eyes.

“What?” Isak asks, Eskild grins and slightly shakes his head and answers “Nothing.”

“Okay.” Isak says slowly and turns his head back at the TV, continue to watch the series.

They sit there in silence, Isak's and Linn's eyes pinned to the TV, engrossed in the series, Isak can feels Eskild's glare every now and then on him. Is he watching him? Why has he that weird smile on his face? Does he know something? Nah, he can't.

Isak tries to ignore Eskild's glare for the rest of the episode.

When the episode's over, Isak can't stand Eskild's glances anymore, so he turns his head and sighs “Eskild, just say whatever you want to say.”

“So you had fun at your pregame last week?” Eskild asks, his voice so innocent, Isak internally rolls his eyes.

“Faen.” Isak breaths frustrated and brushes his fingers through his hair, but then he decides to open up a little to Eskild, he's always been honest and nice with him and he knows Eskild will not freak out and he's gay himself so, yeah Isak decides to tell his friends about Even.

Isak gets up in a sitting position, licks his lips before he says “Uhm... you remember Even?”

Eskild nods and there's a knowing smile on his lips, for fucks sake is it really that obvious for everyone out there?

Isak looks down at his lap, he nervously plays with his fingers “There's a thing going on between me and him.”

He takes a deep breath before he looks in Eskild and Linn's faces, both are warmly smiling at him, none of them seem really surprised.

“Really? That's great Isak.” Eskild says, his eyes looking warmly at Isak “That's really fucking great.”

“You don't look surprised.” Isak says, ‘cause he wants to know if it's that obvious for his environment that he's gay.

“Isak, the first time I met you, was in a gay bar.” Eskild chuckles and pats Isak's knee.

“I already told you, I didn't know it was a gay bar.” Isak interrupts and looks down at his lap again, he really didn't know, he just went inside the first bar he found.

“Yeah, yeah okay. But I saw the way you were looking at Even and I saw the dirty glances you shoot at me, when I shook his hand a little too long.“ Eskild goes on, oh Isak knew he didn't imagine it, Eskild really did shake Even's hand a little too long, and this bastard only did it because he wanted to see Isak's reaction.

“Faen, it was that obvious, huh?” Isak slightly shakes his head and chuckles.

“Just a little.” Eskild huffs out a light laugh.

Linn has a bright smile on her face as she asks “So you're gay too now?”

“Yeah I mean I guess... but I'm not gay gay, you know.“ Isak looks at Linn and bites down his bottom lip.

Eskild shoots a very confused look at him “What do you mean?“

“I mean just because I like Even doesn't mean I'll start to wear tights and mascara and act like those dudes. And start to constantly talk about sucking dick, Kim Kardashian and shit like that.“ Isak continues his stuttering.

Eskild frowns and Linn just slightly nods, she looks a little lost.

Shit, shit, he sees in Eskild's face that he said something totally stupid, so he tries to save things, and Jesus he hopes he can somehow save this “I totally respect these guys who do that, but I'm not like that. I'm not like you, Eskild.“

Eskild raises one of his brows and says “Well Isak, I didn't chose to be gay-gay, I'm just trying to be myself.“

“Yeah I know Eskild, I'm sorry. But it seems like everyone thinks all gays are like that and it's kind of a bummer…for the ones who aren't.“ Isak goes on and oh God, why the fuck didn't he just shut up.

Eskild abruptly stands up from the couch “Let me tell you one thing about those guys you don't want to be associated with, about the ones who put on mascara and tights, went out and fought for the right to be themselves. Those are people who have chosen to withstand harassment and hatred. They've been beaten and killed. And not because they find it so fucking funny to be different but because they would rather die than to pretend to be someone they're not.“

Well great he upset Eskild because he couldn't just shut up with his shit, sometimes Isak wants to slap himself in his stupid face, he complains about Magnus stupid questions and shit, complains that he doesn't think before he speaks, shit maybe he should take his own advice once in a while.

“Eskild I didn't mean to upset you.“ Isak looks up at him, and he really means it, he didn't want to hurt Eskild in any way.

“But you did Isak and I think until you've fought those battles yourself, until you have the guts to stand up for who you are you should watch your words or just shut up about those things.“ Eskild snaps, Isak has never seen Eskild angry before, but he can tell that he's pretty angry with him now, pretty fucking angry.

Good job, Isak.

“Now I'm gonna go cause I don't feel like talking to you anymore.“ Eskild walks up to the front door, he steps out and closes it behind him.

Isak snaps out from his rigidity, jumps up from the couch, goes behind Eskild, as soon as he’s out the door he puts his hoodie on his head, he jogs down the front yard and shouts “E wait, I really didn't want to upset you.“

Eskild turns around and shouts back “Just go back inside and think about what I just told you, Isak.“

“Eskild ...“ Isak shouts desperately but the other boy ignores him and continues his walking.

“Faen.“ Isak's standing at the sidewalk in front of his house, watching Eskild walking down the street in the rain, and disappearing around the corner.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, he turns his head and looks in Linn's eyes “Shit I didn't want to upset him. I should really learn to shut my stupid mouth.“ Isak breaths.

“Maybe, yeah.” Linn nods and gently squeezes his shoulder “Just let him calm down a little. You can try to apologize again tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Isak takes a deep breath, he lays his hand on Linn's.

“Let's go back inside, before we’re getting soaked wet. The last episode of season five needs to be watched and criticized again.” Linn smiles softly at him.

“Yeah.” Isak forces a little smile and they walk back in the house.

****

Even’s standing in front of the stove, bend over a saucepan when Ida enters the kitchen. Even’s so concentrated on his cooking that he doesn’t notice his mum, ‘til she lays her hand on his shoulder and greets him tiredly “Hey, honey, smells pretty good.”

He startles and breathes “Jesus mum, you scared me.”

Ida chuckles lightly and Even joins her, he scans her face, she looks bleary-eyed and exhausted, it almost seems like she hasn’t slept well the last couple of days.

“Sorry Ev, I didn’t mean to. What are you cooking?” Ida says, a small smile on her lips.

“Uhm Penne arrabiata, I felt like something spicy Italian today.” Even winks at her, and he cooked it because it’s one of his mums favorite meals.

Even serves the food and they sit at the kitchen table in silence, both enjoying Even’s pasta. Even can’t forbear to scan his mother’s face again, he knows that the shifts in the hospital can be exhausting as fuck, but the last time she looked that wiped out was when…

“Someone called this morning without saying a word, Jesus I didn’t know that prank calls are still a thing. I used to do this when I was like 12 or something.” Even chuckles, he wants to get rid of the thought that crossed his mind a few seconds ago, but his stomach drops as he sees the look on his mother’s face.

Ida’s sitting there, her eyes wide, she swallows but she doesn’t say a word, Even starts to get a little nervous, his heart starting to beat a little faster “Mum?”

His mom lays down her fork on the table, she looks at Even, her expression filled with fear now, she takes a shaky breath as she asks “On your phone?”

“No the house telephone. What’s up, mum? You make a little nervous here.“ Even chuckles awkwardly, he lays down the fork as well and knits his eyebrows, he doesn’t feel like eating anymore.

And it hits Even like a lighting, fuck, it was him, he called this morning. Frederik. Even’s eyes widen in shook, he swallows hard and breaths “It was him, wasn’t it?”

Ida’s still frozen, she doesn’t say a word, Even wants to go up to her and shake her, he needs an answer, he needs to know if Frederik has tried to contact her again, Ida clears her throat before she finally ends the oppressive silence “Yes I think so, I saw his car parking in front of the hospital a few times already.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?“ Even asks, his voice sounding more taunting than he meant it to.

“I just… I don’t know Even, I didn’t want to stress you out and do something stupid.” Ida admits, fuck Even’s so sick of that, why does she think he can’t handle this? But he bites back his comment.

“Mom, the next time he’s there you call me, alright? When you see him anywhere, call me. No matter what time it is. Don’t worry about me, I can handle this. Okay?“ Even says seriously.

Can he handle this without things escalating? He doesn’t know, but he needs to keep this guy away from his mother.

“Okay.” Ida slowly nods, her eyes tearing up, Even stands up from his seat and walks up to her, wrapping an arm around her, trying to comfort her.

 

20:23

Even’s sitting at his desk, trying his best to concentrate on his school book, but he can’t, he just can’t. His mind gets haunted by the thought that Frederik’s around here somewhere, maybe he’s right outside their house watching them, watching Ida, these thoughts make him sick to the stomach.

These thoughts even let him forget his anxiety to tell Isak about his bipolar, suddenly telling the other boy doesn’t feel that hard anymore, it doesn’t feel that scary anymore.

Even closes the book in front of him, grabs his guitar and sits down on his bed, the guitar feels strange today, it feels like it doesn’t really fit in his hands. He doesn’t allow this feeling to overwhelm him, he knows what this is, it’s him, these thoughts about this man make Even bitter and furious.

Whenever he decides to fuck up his life, Even loses the connection to his guitar, but this time Even won’t allow him that, no he has no power over him or his mother, not anymore.

Even strokes his fingers over the strings of his guitar, it sounds different as well, but this won’t hold him back from playing, he plays the song he used to play to annoy the fuck out of his mother's ex boyfriend.

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right
It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't want to hear it
Get out get out get out
Get out of my way
Step up step up step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But i know and I know and I know
And we know
That you're not

Chapter Text

Fredag 04:53

Even wakes with a start, panting and sweating, fingers clutched at his sheets, his chest is slowly heaving, his heart pounding wild in his chest.

He runs his fingers through his hair, trying to calm down and remember what he had dreamed of, but he can’t, not a single snatch, nothing, but Even has an idea what or better said of whom he was dreaming of.

His body and mind are shaken from the sudden wake up, his head feels a little dizzy, but he’s totally awake now, falling back to sleep is out of question, so Even decides to go out for a run or at least for a walk in the chill morning air.

Before they moved here, he used to go on runs whenever he felt too stressed out or his mind wouldn't shut down. Maybe it can also help to get rid of that uneasiness building up inside him and maybe it'll help to remember what he was actually dreamig.

As Even walks down the street passing by Isak’s house, there’s a blueish light illuminating the other boy's room. Is Isak already or still awake? Or did he just fell asleep with the TV or laptop on?

He's standing there for a little while, looking at Isak’s window. The window behind which the boy he’s so in love with hopefully is sound asleep.

Then he realizes that it’s probably a little weird what he’s doing there so he continues his walk down the street. When he got out the house he wanted to run, run ‘til he’s out of breath, but he doesn’t, he had already been running enough because of Frederik, he's done with running.

Even just walks along the streets, wherever his feet take him, he finds a bench on a hill, it’s a beautiful place to watch the sun rise, he sits down and waits ‘til the sun finally breaks through the edge and slowly starts rising at the horizon.

The sky looks stunning this morning, covered in different shades of pink and Even wishes he could share this beautiful sight with Isak.

Even sits there, watching the city slowly coming to life, people leaving their houses to go to work, some just coming home from work, some of them doing their morning sports or taking their dogs out for a walk. Somehow it’s really peaceful and calming to sit here and watch other people living their daily lives.

Even takes a deep breath before he stands up from the bench and decides to go back to his daily routine, he eventually starts his way back home.

Even walks in the kitchen, his mother's sitting at the kitchen table, bend over a magazine, in front of her a cup of coffee and a not yet touched muffin.

Ida looks up from the magazine and smiles at her son “Good morning. Where have you been?” The glance in her eyes is worried.

“I just went out for a walk.” Even answers and smiles at her, he walks up to the kitchen counter to put the kettle on.

Ida slowly nods, she takes a sip of her coffee and asks cautiously “Do I need to be worried, honey?”

Even turns around to look at his mother with raised eyebrows “Worried? Why? Because I went for a walk in the morning?”

“No because you used to go for runs, when you had a lot on your mind… when your mind didn’t want to rest.” Ida says, her eyes scanning Even’s face.

Even turns back to the kitchen counter, grabs out a mug from the shelve and places a tea bag in it, he fills it up with hot water from the kettle before he eventually says “Don’t worry mom, I’m okay.”

“Alright.” Ida nods again, but Even can see that she’s not really buying it, he can see that she’s still worried, but she doesn’t need to, everything’s fine, isn’t it?

Even sits down across his mother, steals a bite from her muffin and chews it with a smile on his lips, he takes a sip of his tea before he asks “Are you working today?”

“Yeah but my shift only starts at 15:30. You want me to give you a ride to school?” Ida says, trying to ease the light tension in the kitchen a little.

“Nah, you don’t need to, I’m fine. You should go back to bed and grab another few hours of sleep.” Even says while standing up from his chair, he pecks his mother’s cheek and starts to walk out the kitchen.


18:17

Even's sitting at the edge of the terrace, he's staring across the yard, his fingers drumming nervously on his knee, he's feeling antsy since he got home from school today, with every passing minute he's not telling Isak about his disease, Even's becoming even more nervous about this whole thing, he wants to finally get this off his chest.

But first he needs to wait for Sonja, she's coming to pick up some of her stuff and she's definitely taking her time to come here, Even's slowly becoming impatient.

He hears slow steps approaching behind him “Sorry for being late, but work was pretty busy today.“ Sonja sits down beside him, Even turns his head to look at her, she looks tired, but she has a light smile on her lips.

“Don't worry.“ Even smiles slightly, though he asks himself if Sonja did it on purpose, let him wait for her.

“It's a beautiful place here. I like it more than your old one.“ Sonja states, everything's better than living with Frederik, but Sonja's right it's really beautiful here.

“Yeah I like it a lot here.“ he looks over to the other house again, where he imagines Isak sitting in his living room in front of the TV, laughing about some stupid TV show.

“Is everything okay, Ev?“ Sonja knits her eyebrows, of course she notices his slight oppression. He can't talk to her about Isak, that would be wrong and not fair, he already broke her heart enough. Even looks in her eyes, trying to signalize her it's something about Isak, and he's more than surprised when the expression on her face softens as she says “You can tell me, even if it's about Isak.”

Even's a little confused, he doesn't know what to make of this, is she really serious?

“Even, come on, I see you have something on your mind.”

“I haven't told Isak about my bipolar yet.“ Even spills without thinking again if he should tell her or not “And someone in his family seems to have a mental illness as well, and he told me how hard it is for him the other day.“

“And now you're worried that he doesn't want to be with you.“ Sonja goes on, speaking out what Even can't.

“Yeah.“ Even's voice is barely more than a shaky whisper.

“Ev, yes you're bipolar but you're so much more than that, you're kind, generous, loving, caring and the list goes on. You're a really great guy and Isak could be happy to have someone like you in his life.“ Sonja lays her hand on his knee.

Even looks at her with wide eyes, he didn't know what he expected her to say, but definitely not this.

“What am I not allowed to tell you the truth?“ Sonja huffs out a small laugh.

“Sonja I'm really sorry for....“

“Ev, don't worry... it's not your fault, the heart wants what the heart wants.“ Sonja interrupts him “Am I fucking sad that it's not me anymore? Yes I am, but I still love you and want what's best for you.“

Even doesn't know what to say to that so he pulls her in a warm hug, he doesn't deserve her kind words, but he's fucking glad Sonja said them to him.

Even’s sitting cross legged on his bed, typing an answer to Isak's text, he just recieved, while Sonja’s rummaging through his wardrobe, searching for some of her clothes she left at his former place. She pulls out a shirt from one of the shelf and starts to laugh.

Even looks amused at her and asks “What’s so funny in there?” He gets up from his bed, curious what Sonja's laughing about.

Sonja turns around and holds the shirt in the air “Remember when we were at that festival?”

“Oh God, no I don’t want to remember.” Even barks out a laugh, of course he can remember.

°
They were at that festival with their friends from Bakka, it was raining three days and it was all messy and muddy, but they had their best days there, having fun, enjoying the music and themselves. The last day the ground was already so muddy they decided to make a mud fight, it was so childish, but it was hell of a fun.

When they got home to Even's place with their soiled clothes, covered in mud, looking like pigs and fouling up the whole apartment. Frederik flipped the fuck out. They just laughed at his face and went to the bathroom to clean themselves up, Frederik was so furious Ida had to calm him down, Even was so amused that he couldn’t stop laughing about the man’s rage.

Even and Sonja were sitting on the floor in Even's room, all cleaned up, talking and laughing about things that happened at the festival when Even’s door swung open, Even and Sonja were looking at Frederik, the man was fuming.

“Can’t you knock, for fucks sake?” Even barked and stood up from the floor.

“Stop swearing that much kid, it doesn’t suit you.” he said with a harsh tone, Even took a step back, Frederik was kinda scary at this moment “Did you laugh about me in here? Am I that funny?”

“Honestly? It's ridiculous yeah.” Even had a challenging grin on his face, Jesus he knew he shouldn’t do this, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Even could see something glistening in Frederik’s eyes, and hell it didn’t promise any good, but the man stayed calm, he smiled at Sonja and said “Sweetheart, I think it’s about time to go.”

Sonja looked at Even with wide eyes and Even just nodded, it seemed to be better if she leaves, Even couldn’t tell what was going on in Frederik’s head.

As soon as Sonja was out the door, Frederik grabbed Even’s collar and pulled him very close, too close, they were face to face, Even could smell the cigarette in Frederik’s breath “Don’t you dare speaking to me like this, precious boy.”

Even shuddered as Frederik said those last words, he felt sick to his stomach, he wasn’t afraid of his warning, he was afraid of those words this man just said to him. Fortunately Even was wrong, Frederik never touched him, he never did any physical harm to him. Instead he beat him with words and actions and those were enough to trigger Even’s first episode.
°

Even slightly shakes his head, trying make those memories disappear. 

He walks up to Sonja, takes the shirt out of her hands, his thumbs slightly stroking over the fabric “We had a really great time, didn’t we?”

Sonja’s smile fades and she quietly says “Yeah we had.”

Even looks up from the shirt in her teary eyes, he takes a step closer to her and wraps her arms around her and whispers “I’m really sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, Soni.”

“Yeah I know, Even. I know.” Sonja says, freeing herself from the embrace, she looks in Even’s eyes and smiles sadly.

“I really wish it wouldn’t end like this.” Even admits.

“If we’re honest, it already ended a while ago.” Sonja says, and this statement takes Even by surprise, what does she mean with that, did she feel it too, did she feel the changes between them as well.

“Huh?” is the only sound that comes out of Even's mouth, Sonja lays her hand on Even's cheek and somehow this touch feels weird, she used to do this to comfort him but now it feels different, actually it feels like nothing.

“Even, I knew it was over when you wanted that break, yeah it hurt when you finally cut the ropes on Wednesday, but somehow I knew it already for the last few weeks. And when I saw you with Isak on that day it just added the final touch.”

“Oh.” Even breathes, will he ever be able to make this up again, will Sonja ever forgive him for that shit he pulled her through and for breaking her heart.

Sonja takes her hand away from Even's cheek and let's it awkwardly fall down beside her.

“I know I already said it, but Sonja I'm really sorry.” Even says quietly.

“Stop it, Ev. You're making me cry again.” Sonja runs her fingers over her eyes.

They share another few old stories, laughing about what they experienced together, then Sonja grabs the rest of her stuff and eventually leaves.

On days like this Even remembers why he once fell in love with her.

 

****
 

Isak’s lying on his back at the awning, hands crossed behind his head, he’s waiting for Even to show up, the other boy wanted to tell him something, and as Even said those words it seemed like it is something really important, Isak’s curious what it’ll be.

His phone starts to vibrate in his pocket, he quickly pulls it out of his pocket and takes the call without even looking at the screen “Hei.”

Isak startles a little when Jonas laughs at the other end of the line “Yo Iss, are you home?”

“Yeah, why?” Isak answers and he already knows why Jonas is asking, he can already hear Mahdi’s and Magnus’ chatter from the front yard.

“We’re coming over.“ Jonas says and Isak rolls his eyes. Faen.

“You mean you’re already here.” Isak scoffs and slightly shakes his head.

“Yeah more like that. Open the door.” Jonas chuckles before he hangs up.

“Jesus.” Isak sighs, gets up from ground, climbs back in his room and walks downstairs to open the door for his friends.

The boys are lounging on the couch sipping on their bears and talking about some party from some college dude. Isak’s a little nervous, what if Even shows up while they’re here?

He grabs out his phone and quickly types a texts to Even, to let him know that it's going to be a little later.

 

Isak: The guys just showed up. Didn't know they were coming. Sorry :(
Even: :(
Isak: But they’re leaving for a party in an hour or so. Wanna come then?
Even: Just text me, I’ll come ♥
Isak:


Isak’s smiling down at his phone, when he feels the glance of someone resting on him, Isak puts his phone away, looking back to the guys, Magnus is smirking at him and wags his eyebrows. Jonas and Mahdi don’t seem to notice, to engaged in their conversation about the party later. Isak looks away from Magnus, trying not to blush. Fucking Magnus.

“Isak you got a charger for me? My phone’s about to die.” Mahdi asks.

“Yeah sure.” Isak stands up from the couch, glad he can escape Magnus weird look and that dumb knowing smile on his face.

Isak steps in his room, walking up to his desk, grabbing the charger, when he’s about to leave the room again, his eyes catch a movement in Even’s room, Isak automatically turns his head, and the sight is beautiful, Even’s standing there laughing heartily.

Isak’s lip curl up into a smile, but the smile drowns from his face when he sees the second person, the person with whom Even’s laughing so lighthearted. Sonja.

He’s frozen, watching the scene in the other house, watching Even and Sonja, laughing in Even’s room. Isak swallows hard, what does that mean?

Isak’s hand's clutching around the charger, his knuckles already turning white, he snaps out of his rigidity when Even and Sonja hug each other and Even whispers something in Sonja’s ear.

He storms out his room, mumbling angrily too himself “Is it that what you wanted to fucking tell me? Why the fuck do you text me a fucking heart when you’re with her?”

Isak stops in the middle of the stairs, he’s on the edge of crying, but he needs to compose himself, he can’t cry now, his friends are sitting in the living room and Isak knows something better than crying.

He walks back in the living room, trying to look as casual as possible, he hands Mahdi the charger, the boys look at Isak for a little too long and he wants to snap at them, but he bites back his words, instead he asks “So when are we leaving to that party?”

The boys look at Isak with wide eyes and Magnus asks “You’re in?”

“Sure.” Isak nods, getting wasted sounds like a fucking great plan now, yeah he knows it’s not the best way to cope with the shit he saw just a few minutes ago, and maybe he should just talk to Even, but he can do that tomorrow, tonight he’s going to be wasted as fuck.


****


20:11

Sonja left an hour ago, and somehow Even and she seem to have made their peace with their break up. Sure Sonja’s still hurt and her heart’s broken, a part of Even’s is too, but it’s for the best, maybe one day, when the wounds aren’t that fresh anymore, they can be friends, like they were before they became a couple.

Even’s lounging on the couch in the living room, watching some TV show, an old episode of Scrubs. His phones lying beside him, every few seconds Even takes a look at it, desperately waiting for Isak to text him to come over.

When the phone pings, Even doesn’t hesitate a second to grab it and unlocks the screen to read the text, but it’s not from Isak, it’s from Theo.

 

Theo: Even baby, there's a great party at Tomas' place. Where are you?
Even: Sorry got plans with Isak tonight ;)
Theo: Gross, bro. TMI.
Even: :P
Theo: Isak Isak?
Even: Yeah?
Theo: I think I just saw him here.
Even: Serr??
Theo: Yeah dude just walked past me. What's up?
Even: I don't know… You sure it was him?
Theo: Even I wouldn't say it if I wasn't sure. I'm not fucking with you.
Even: Text me the address.
Theo: Aye aye.


Even quickly puts on his shoes and a jacket, he walks back to the living room, opens the French window and walks out in the chill night air, he jogs across the back yard and slips through the hedges.

There’s no light in any of the rooms in Isak’s house, Even tries to call Isak, but the other boy doesn’t pick up.

He walks past the back yard to the front, ringing the doorbell a few times, waiting impatiently for Isak to open the door, but he doesn’t. There’s no one home. Even tries another time to call Isak, but the other boy hangs up on him. What the hell is going on here?

Even’s fingers are nervously drumming on his thigh as he sits in the tram on his way to that party. Why did Isak hang up on him? Did something happen? Is he well?

As he leaves the tram and walks down the street getting closer to Tomas’ place, he can already hear the music blasting from the house where the party’s going on. Even quickens his steps, eager to find Isak and to find out what the hell's going on.

****

The boys walk in the house, looking around the crowd, Isak’s not interested at who’s here, he just wants a beer, so he leaves his friends behind and heads for the kitchen. He’ll find them later anyways.

Isak’s so focused to get a beer that he almost run over a girl, he mumbles a short “Sorry.” And wants to continue his way, but he freezes as soon as he recognizes the girl. Fuck it’s Emma.

She looks at him with raised eyebrows “For fucks sake. What are you doing here?” Hell that girl can be really rude when she wants to, she looks pretty pissed and Isak knows it’s not just because he almost run her over.

“Emma, I’m sorry for leaving you alone at my pregame and stuff. I get that you’re mad at me.” Isak stutters, Jesus does she need to glare at him like that, that look on her face is fucking intimidating.

Emma huffs out a sarcastic laugh before she spits “That’s not why I’m mad at you. I’m mad because you were keeping me interested though you’re gay.”

She crosses her arms in front of her chest, Isak looks at her with wide eyes, he swallows hard, he doesn’t know what to say, he’s not able to say something to her.

“Jesus Isak, get out of the fucking closet, you coward.” Emma says harshly before she leaves him standing there.

Isak’s standing there for a few moments, dumbfounded. Can this fucking night become even worse? He slightly shakes his head and finally continues his way to the kitchen to get some beer. Time to get shitfaced.

Isak's standing leaned against the door frame, watching the dancing crowd, when Eva comes up to him, she's already a little tipsy, she greets him with a bright smile on her face “Isak, hei.”

Isak smiles at her “Hei.” she wraps her arms around him and says “Where's the rest of your squad?”

“Uhm I guess somewhere getting high?” Isak shrugs, the hell should he know where they are, he will find them some time later, first he needs to fill himself with alcohol.

“And you're not with them?” Eva asks surprised and she giggles, okay she seems more than a little tipsy.

Isak holds up the can of beer in his hand and winks “Nope, I'm planning to get pretty shitfaced today.”

“That’s my boy. Come let's do some shots.” Eva grins, grabs his hand and pulls him back in the kitchen, after they downed their fourth colorful shot Isak decides to take a break, to take it a little slower, the boys will probably be pissed when they can drag him home after not even an hour at that party.

But Isak has enough liquid courage to dance dumbly to that song what's loudly blurring out the speakers, he's dancing somewhere in crowd with Eva, Chris and Vilde. Isak cheers when he sees the boys coming back from wherever they were, they join Isak and the girls.

They have a great time dancing, singing along and making fun of each other’s ridiculous dance moves.

The dancing crowd freezes when some asshole thinks it's a great moment to put on a slow song, who the hell thinks it's a good idea to do that at a party, no one wants to hear that kind of music at a fucking party.

They sit down on the couch, Isak's leaning against the arm chair Jonas is sitting in, the boys and girls arguing about shitty music, when Isak sees Even entering the house in the corner of his eyes. The grip around the beer can in his hand tightens, when he turns his head and their eyes meet.


Does she know that you held me in the dark?

Does she know that I had you from the start?
Does she know that the bruises never change?
My marks are on your heart, I had you from the start
Remember?


That fucking song.

Isak needs to get away from here, he takes his eye off of Even, he can't be with him in the same room right now. But Isak's not fast enough, Even's already standing beside him, a worried look on his face.

Isak doesn't know what to do, he wants to run away, and it's even more uncomfortable as he starts to feel his friends staring at the two of them.

Even eventually smiles and says “Halla.”

“Hei.” Isak says and he hates it that his voice sounds so vulnerable and probably two pitches higher than usual.

“I was looking for you, you weren't home.” Even says, scanning Isak's face. That's when rage bubbles up in Isak's stomach, he doesn't want to make a scene here in front of his friends, so he walks away from them, down the hall, Even's following him, thankfully no one's there.

Isak raises one of his brows and looks questioningly at Even, Even knits his eyebrows, of course he doesn't know why Isak's so fucking mad, he doesn't know that Isak saw them. Even and Sonja.

“What's wrong, Isak? I thought I should come over tonight?” Even says, his eyes are so light blue, Isak can't stand their piercing look, he’s not even half as drunk enough to ignore the feelings that are shooting through his body, when Even looks at him like this. Hurt and vulnerable. But Isak didn’t do anything wrong, it was Even, there’s no need for him to feel guilty, Even needs to.

“Yeah that was before I fucking saw you and Sonja in your room, all happy and hugging and shit and whatever you else did.“ thanks to the alcohol Isak almost shouts this words in Even’s face. God Isak's hates that he's behaving like a jealous bitch.

“Isak.. what? I ...“ Even stutters, but Isak doesn't want to hear what he has to say, not tonight he doesn’t know if he can bear what the other boy has to say tonight, Isak's too afraid of breaking right in front of him.

“Great talk, Even.” Isak spits, this time his voice a little quieter but still waspish, and then he leaves, he doesn't know what else to do, his just too fucking angry and so fucking sad.

He needs to get away, so he walks back to the living room to his friends, Jonas looks at him with knitted eyebrows “What's wrong?”

“I'm leaving.” Isak states, he needs to get out of here, every minute in here is too fucking much.

Jonas jumps up from the armchair and says “What? Wait Isak.”

“Let him go. He's just pissed that Emma found someone better.” Mahdi teases, just coming back from the kitchen, stopping beside Isak and Jonas, and Isak doesn't know why, but something inside him snaps at the words “someone better.”

“Do you have to be so fucking rude, huh?“ Isak shoves Mahdi, hard, the boy stumbles back a few steps, his eyes wide in surprise.

“The fuck, Isak? What's up with you, man?“ Jonas yells and holds him back.

Magnus appears from somewhere and steps between Isak and Mahdi, he looks at Isak with raised eyebrows.

Isak looks in the confused faces of his friends, the fuck did he just do? He needs to get out, before he's doing something he'll regret later, he pulls the hoodie over his head and storms out the house.

He's walking down the street, almost running, the most important thing is to get the hell away from here. Tears start to run down his cheeks, hot and sharp. He kicks every bush and street lamp that crosses his way.

Then a few corners away from the party, his knees eventually give in, he lets himself fall on them in the middle of the pavement, tears streaming down his face.

Someone better.


****


What the hell did just happen? Even’s standing there, looking down the hall where Isak just walked away. Even’s not able to move a muscle.

Nothing happened between him and Sonja, they were just hugging each other, nothing more. Isak just totally misinterpret things here, he needs to clarify this. Isak looked so fucking hurt, it broke Even’s heart.

Finally Even moves, he makes his way back to the living room, his eyes desperately searching for Isak. He can’t find him, but he finds Isak’s friends, who he was with when Even entered the house.

Even walks with quick strides towards them, they’re all looking completely flustered and Even can hear Vilde saying “The fuck’s up with Isak, he can’t do that.”

Fuck, what did he do?

Even doesn't stop at them, he makes his way to the door, he needs to find him, as he steps out the front door, someone’s holding him back, Even’s head quickly turns and he looks at one of Isak’s friends, Jonas if he remembers correctly, the boy looks at Even with knitted eyebrows and he asks with a harsh voice “The fuck happened in there?”

“A misunderstanding. Did you see which way he took?” he has no time to explain, he needs to find the other boy.

Jonas frowns even more but eventually answers “He went left.”

“Okay, thanks.” Even starts to run, leaving a confused Jonas standing at the front door.

Even runs down the street as fast as he can, he comes to another crossroad, he looks left and right, fuck which way did Isak take?

Even decides to go left, he runs down that street ‘til he sees someone squatting in the middle of the pavement.

Even slows down his run, it’s Isak, holy shit he found him, Even walks towards the other boy, hoping he won’t run away again, but Isak doesn’t seem to hear him coming closer.

His sitting there on the ground, hands in front of his face, he’s sobbing and crying.

It breaks Even’s heart seeing Isak like this, and he did this to this beautiful boy. Even knees down in front of him, wraps his arms around him and embraces him tightly.

Isak body tenses and Even thinks he’s going to push him away any second, but Isak doesn’t, he lets Even hug him.

Even frees Isak from their hug and he wipes his tears away with his thumbs, smiling at the other boy, placing little kisses on his cheeks, his forehead and eventually on his lips.

He looks into Isak’s beautiful green eyes, now red and a little swollen from crying, but still so beautiful, he cups Isak’s face with his hands and whispers “I swear to God, nothing happened between me and Sonja.”

“Really?” Isak sniffs, running the sleeve of his hoodie over his nose, scanning Even’s face with a piercing look.

“Really. She was just there to pick up some of her stuff.” Even slowly nods, caressing Isak’s cheeks with his thumbs.

Isak blushes a little as he says “Shit, sorry for making a fucking scene at the party.”

“It's okay.” Even says and pulls Isak in another warm hug “It’s okay now, I’m here, baby.”

Isak’s holding on so tight at their embrace, that Even’s afraid to let go of him, afraid the other boy would break if he does. Oh my beautiful, beautiful fragile angel.

After a few more minutes Isak loosens his grip and frees himself from their hug, he looks at Even and says “Can we please go home?”

“Yeah.” Even nods and stands up from the ground, he helps Isak getting up and they make their way back home.

 

****

Lørdag 01:03

Isak wakes up, surrounded by the warmth of Even’s body, feeling Even’s fingers gently brushing through his curls. Isak turns around to look in Even’s face “Hei.”

“Hei.” Even whispers back, a fond smile on his lips.

“Even, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you what happened, not just assuming the worst and flip the fuck out.” Isak blushes from embarrassment, he’s so ashamed of his behavior, he wants to crawl in the nearest hole and never come back out there again.

“Shh.” Even hushes him, he leans down and places a kiss on Isak’s lips, it’s so soft and tender Isak almost melts.

Even wraps his arms around Isak again, pressing his body so close that Isak can feel Even’s heartbeat against his chest.

Is it mine? Are my marks on your heart?

Isak buries his face in Even’s neck, inhaling Even’s sweet scent, he places a soft kiss there, before he closes his eyes again.

Isak falls back asleep, his body tangled around Even, he doesn’t know if he’s thinking these words or if he’s actually whispering them.

I love you.

In a state between being awake and being asleep, Isak notices that someone’s singing, it’s a beautiful soothing deep voice, it’s Even, Even’s singing for him. But Isak can’t really pick up the words, can’t really understand what the other boy’s singing and maybe he’s just a dream.


What if I told you
What was really going on
No more masks and no more parts to play

There’s so much I want to say
But I’m so scared to give away
Every little secret that I hide behind

Would you see me differently?
And would that be such a bad thing
I wonder what it would be like
If I told you

The voice becomes quieter and more distant with every breath Isak’s taking, sleep slowly taking over his body again.  

Chapter Text

Lørdag 11:11

Isak's waking up in an empty bed, the radiant warmth of Even's body is gone, Isak slowly opens his eyes and blinks tiredly a few times. He frowns and brushes his fingers through his hair, he has a headache, not a heavy one but there's a noticeable pounding behind his forehead.

He leans up and looks around his room, the window's closed, his hands are searching for a piece of paper on the mattress, but he can't find anything. He grabs his phone from the nightstand and checks it, he only got a few messages from Jonas, but nothing from Even.

Isak lets out a quiet sigh and lets himself fall back on the mattress, causing a shot of pain firing through his head "Faen."

Isak stares at the ceiling, counting invisible spots up there. He left. Again.

He needs some painkillers before his head decides to take real revenge for trying to get shitfaced yesterday night. He takes a deep breath before he gets up, he picks one of his shirts from the chair in front of his desk and puts it on.

Why did he leave me alone again? Is he angry with me, because I freaked out yesterday?

Isak walks back to his bed and sits down and grabs his phone to check the texts Jonas has sent him. Just a quick check how mad the boys are at him.

 

Jonas: Isak? What happened?
Jonas: Where are you?
Jonas: Are you okay?
Jonas: Isak?
Jonas: Please answer.


Isak sighs, he doesn't know what to reply, he's just so fucking embarrassed about his melt down, he doesn't know what the hell got into him as he shoved Mahdi, he just snapped at that moment, he knows Mahdi didn't say it to hurt him. He just wanted to tease him, they always do shit like that, but hell that fucking 'someone better' stuff stung really badly.

Isak can't answer Jonas now, that only will make him ask questions, why he did, what he did and Isak doesn't want to talk about this right now with Jonas.

He stands up from the bed and makes his way out of his room, as he reaches the stairs, he hears music coming from downstairs, the radio's playing.

Isak frowns, who's down there in the kitchen? Is his mom already back? No that can't be, she just checked in the clinic a few days ago. His father, is it possible that his dad’s back? Ha, that’s a good one, Isak almost laughs at this silly thought. Then there’s just one possibility left, it has to be Even.

He quickens his way down the stairs, he walks up to the kitchen with quiet steps and leans his head in the room, it’s Even, he's standing in front of the stove, it looks like he’s preparing a late breakfast.

He's still here. He didn't leave.

Isak's lips immediately curl up into a smile, his heart makes a jump, God it’s almost ridiculous how the sight of the other boy makes him that happy, and how it causes millions of butterflies going wild in his stomach.

He leans at the door frame, his eyes drinking in the scene in front of him – Even only wearing one of his plain white shirts and some blue plaid boxers, dancing to the song in the radio. He's looking so carefree and beautiful, Isak's heart makes another happy jump.

How on earth can this beautiful boy want to be with me?

Isak enjoys the view for another few breaths before he walks up to Even and wraps his arms around him from behind and places a soft kiss in his neck “Good morning.”

Even twitches a little, apparently he didn't hear Isak coming, he puts down the spatula and turns around to face Isak.

A smile appears on his lips as he says “Good morning.” He leans forward and places a soft kiss on Isak's lips and asks “Are you hungry? I made us some breakfast.”

“Yeah I'm starving.” Isak nods and looks in Even's light blue eyes, eyes so deep like an whole ocean.

Even gives Isak a breathtakingly sweet smile before he turns back around to the stove, Isak leans against the kitchen counter thinking what he should say about yesterday night. Though Even’s acting like nothing extraordinary happened, Isak’s still a little embarrassed that the other boy got to see him like this, so vulnerable.

He’s embarrassed that he jumped into false conclusions instead of just fucking asking what happened between him and Sonja, and he’s embarrassed that he attacked one of his friends because of his childish jealousy.

But before he can speak any of this out, other words slip out his mouth “I thought you were gone.”

Even turns his head and looks over his shoulder, his look’s puzzled “Huh?”

“I woke up and you weren't there, so I thought you left.” Isak can feel the heat coming up to his cheeks, he quickly looks down at the floor, he doesn't know why, but he feels tears stinging in his eyes, he starts nervously kicking his foot against the floor.

The other boy puts the pan from the stove before he turns around and takes a step closer to Isak, he places a finger under Isak’s chin and gently pushes it up, bringing Isak to look at him, on his lips still that gorgeous, fond smile “Isak, I was just here making breakfast.”

Isak nods, and looks into Even's blue eyes, so blue, so beautifully blue, Even leans down and places a soft kiss on Isak's lips, he brings his hand up to Isak's face to gently brush his thumb over Isak's cheek.

Even gets back to the stove to finish their breakfast, Isak's standing next to him, he grabs some plates and utensils from the kitchen cabinet and places them on the table.

Isak's not quite sure, how he should ask his next question, ‘cause he’s not quite sure if Even already told him yesterday or if he was just dreaming it – alcohol lets you dream the weirdest shit sometimes.

He slowly gets back to the kitchen counter to put the kettle on and grabs two mugs from the other cabinet, he looks at Even 'til the other boy seems to feel his glance and turns his head to look at him, one of his brows raised.

Isak takes a breath before he asks with a light shaky voice, hoping Even doesn't notice his nervousness “So things with you and Sonja are finally over?” Isak resists the urge to look down at his feet, he keeps his eyes on Even, green locked with blue.

It's silent in the kitchen for a few seconds, the song playing quietly in the radio is the only sound filling the room.


Just tryna be in this

Tell me how you choose
Can you feel why you're in this
Can you feel it through


Even looks at Isak with a asking look on his face, asking if Isak's serious right now, if it's not that fucking obvious “Yes, I broke up with her. She was just there to pick up some of her stuff yesterday.” Even says, his voice steady, so he really said it yesterday, thank God Isak didn’t only dream it.

“Okay.” Isak breathes, he can't remember if he said it already yesterday or if he was just thinking those words so he speaks them out now, he wants Even to know why he freaked out at that party, why he shoved Mahdi, why he broke down in the middle of that fucking pavement.

“When I saw you yesterday, I thought you guys were back together.” Isak's voice breaks, he swallows hard, these words leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Isak, I don’t want to be with her.” Even smiles at him and takes a step closer, and cups Isak’s face with his hands.

“No?” Isak asks, reaching his hands up to lay them on Even's.

“No. I want to be with you.” Even brushes their lips together, kissing him soft and slowly, when he let's go he whispers on Isak's lips “I have never felt anything like this before.”

Isak slowly opens his eyes, he lightly rubs his nose against Even's and whispers back “Me neither.”


'Cause I wanna touch you, baby

I wanna feel you, too
I wanna see the sunrise and your sins
Just me and you
Light it up, on the run
Let's make love tonight
Make it up, fall in love, try
But you'll never be alone
I'll be with you from dusk till dawn


They sit down on the table, their plates loaded with scrambled eggs and some bacon, perfect half-hangover breakfast, Even and Isak enjoy their meal together in a comfortable silence, stealing glances and shyly smiling at each other from time to time.

Isak stands up from the table when they’ve finished and puts the dirty dishes in the sink, behind him Even huffs out a small laugh, Isak turns around to look at the other boy, frowning “What's so funny?”

“That song.” Even jumps up from the chair, taking three long strides to the radio to turn up the volume “Gabrielle.”

Isak huffs out a laugh at the memory of Even dancing in his room and singing that stupid song, he rolls his eyes, crosses his hands in front of his chest and scoffs “You're not gonna start dancing to this again, are you?”

Even steps closer to him and kisses him softly, but breaks the kiss, to start to move to the beat of the song with a grin on his lips, Isak groans and closes his eyes in disbelieve.

How is it possible that someone looks this adorable dancing and singing to a fucking Gabrielle song?

Even’s fingers are on the buttons of the radio again, turning the volume even more up, and Isak exhales loudly “Seriously, Even? It's shit."


Du får meg til å kjøre meg opp

Det e ingenting som kan kjøre meg ned
Du får alt til å sprenge i kok
D'e ingen andre'eg heller gjør det her med


The other boy wags his eyebrows and the grin on his lips grows wider, with every word he’s singing along, Even dances towards Isak and places a quick kiss on his lips.

Isak wants to deepen the kiss but Even is too busy dancing and singing, Isak rolls his eyes again in frustration and pouts “You know this is like a fucking hashtag.”

“Huh?” Even raises his eyebrows.

“When you find the man of your dreams and it turns out he likes Gabrielle.” Isak says, and he only realizes what he just said when the words are already out of his mouth.

Even takes a step back and asks, his voice a pitch higher than usual “What was that? Am I the man of your dreams?”

Isak blushes, he doesn’t know where to look, but he tries to play it cool “Jesus, that’s how the hashtag goes, you know what I mean, Even.”

“Yeah I do. You said I’m the man of your dreams.” Even smiles brightly at him, he steps closer and leans his forehead against Isak’s.

Isak can feel the heat flooding his cheeks, Isak knows that his face is ten shades pinker already, he licks his lips and looks Even’s blue eyes.

Why did you say this? You’re hopeless, Valtersen. You’re hopelessly fallen for this guy.

Isak can’t hold his lips back from curling up into a fond smile, Even opens his mouth and whispers “Say it again.”

Isak brings his lips closer to Even’s, so he can feel the other boy’s breath brushing over his own “You’re the man of my dreams.” Then Even closes the tiny distance between their lips and eventually kisses Isak.

Even breaks the kiss, to sing and dance to the last words of the song, Isak squeezes his eyes shut, brushes his fingers through his hair and huffs “Why are you like this?”


15:31

“Hei Mal.” Isak answers his phone with a smile on his lips.

“No it’s me, Mia.” the voice of a little girls says at the other end of the line.

“Oh, hei. How are you doing? Is everything okay?” Isak asks, he leans up and rests his hands on his knees.

“Yeah everything fine, Issy.” Mia chuckles a little “Uhm I’m just calling you because I wanted to ask you when you’re coming to visit us?” her voice is sweeter than sugar now.

Isak looks at Even, who’s lying beside him on the awning, hands crossed behind his head, he’s smiling at him and watching him while Isak’s speaking on the phone to his little cousin Mia.

Isak makes a face at him and answers Mia “I was thinking about coming on Friday right after school and staying ‘til Sunday evening? Would that be okay?”

“Yes of course.” Mia cheers loudly and Isak needs to hold his phone a little away from his ear, but the smile on his face grows bigger, he’s flattered that his little cousin and his aunt are caring so much for him, though he avoided them the last few months. He doesn’t know why he did it, he just felt like they were doing everything they did because they had pity.

But one month ago when Isak didn’t answer Malin’s texts and didn’t take the fifth call from her, she showed up at their home to ask what’s wrong. Isak snapped at her that he didn’t want their pity and he was doing fine, Malin looked at him with wide eyes and said that they didn’t want to help him because they had pity, they wanted to help because he was family and they loved him. From that moment on Isak started to accept their help again.

“So I guess you’re okay with it?” Isak chuckles and licks his lips.

“Yesss.” Isak can imagine the wide grin on Mia’s face “Will your boyfriend come as well?”

Isak can feel the blush coloring his cheeks, he turns his head and looks in Even’s eyes “I can ask if he wants to spend some time with us on Saturday afternoon and have dinner with us. Does that sound okay?”

Even smiles at him and nods, of course he knows it’s Mia on the phone and of course he’s not saying no to her.

“Sounds great, Issy.” Mia sings excited “Oh. I have to go now. Say hi to Even.”

“Yeah I’ll do that. See you next Friday, pumpkin. Take care, bye.” Isak says before he hangs up.

Isak puts his phone back in his pocket and looks at Even, who’s looking at him with raised eyebrows and a slight smile on his lips.

Isak takes a breath and says “You don’t need to spend time with me and Mia, if you don’t want to. If you have something better to do, then it’s totally okay.” Isak leans back on his back and turns his head to look Even in the face.

“There’s nothing better than spending time with you, Isak.” Even smiles fondly at him and brushes his fingers over Isak’s cheek, Isak leans over to Even and places a soft kiss on the other’s boys lips.

As they break apart Even starts to chuckle, Isak looks at him with one brow raised “What?”

“I need to know about these nicknames, tho. Issy and pumpkin? Who came up with these?” Even’s grin grows wider.

Isak rolls his eyes and lays back on his back, he looks out in the distance, since he can think his mom’s calling him Issy, Jonas does sometimes as well, but only to tease him, Isak smiles and answers “My mum calls me Issy, and it was easier for Mia to call me Issy when she started talking and she kinda stuck with it.”

Isak looks back to Even and goes on “Mia got that horrible orange dress from my mum for her third birthday. Mia loved it, she wore that awful thing almost every single day. Someday I teased her and said she looked like a pumpkin, she just stretched out her tongue and answered she would love to be a pumpkin ‘cause they’re delicious.”

Isak chuckles, he can still see Mia standing in front of him, her arms on her hips, saying these words, and yeah since then he calls her pumpkin, though she already grew out that orange dress (thank God).

“That’s adorable.” Even joins Isak’s light laughter.

The phone in Isak’s pocket pings, his laughter dies and he takes a breath, Even knits his eyebrows, but he doesn’t say anything.

“It’s probably another text from Jonas. I know he’s worried but I don’t know what to answer. I don’t know if I’m ready to explain why I did what I did.” Isak looks away from Even, he knows it’s childish and dumb, just three simple words to speak aloud, but it took Isak so long to accept that fact himself.

He knows his friends will probably take it chill, but what if not? What if they stop hanging out with him ‘cause they’re worried that he might be keen on them?

But at the same time he finally wants to open up to them, he doesn’t want to hide any longer, he wants to hold Even’s hand in public, kiss him without looking around if one of his friends might probably be somewhere around and might see them.

Malin took it chill, saying the most important thing is that Isak’s happy, and Even makes him fucking happy and after all the shit life threw at him, he deserves happiness. Isak deserves to be with someone who wipes his tears away, holds him close when he’s about to break, someone who’s looking at him as if he hung the sun and the stars, someone who loves him and someone he loves. No, not someone. Even.

“Don’t worry Isak, take your time, you tell them when you feel ready for it. But just text Jonas a short message that you’re alright, I bet he’s worried as fuck. I would be.” Even says, his thumb brushing over Isak’s brow.

“Yeah I know. I would be as well.” Isak sighs, he takes out his phone, but he freezes as he sees it’s not a text from Jonas, but from his father.

The smile fades from Isak’s lips and he starts to nervously bite on his inner cheek. Should I read it or delete it? Shit.

Of course Even immediately notices the change in Isak’s expression, he scans his face for a few breaths before he says “Hey, is everything okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, it’s fine.” Isak lies, and quickly deletes the message from his father, without reading it, like he always does. If he wants to talk, he can fucking come home.

Isak opens the conversation with Jonas and types a short reply.
 

Isak: Sorry for losing my temper yesterday. Hope Mahdi isn’t too mad at me. ttyl

 
Isak decides his text should be enough for now, he’ll explain the rest personally to Jonas and then to Magnus and Mahdi.

****

Søndag 06:26

Even’s lying on his side, looking at Isak, who’s sleeping next to him, the other boy looks so much younger when he’s asleep, so peaceful, he looks like an angel.

He possibly could watch Isak sleeping the whole night, okay he almost did, he’s looking at him for at least two or three hours now. How should he sleep when Isak beside him looks so beautiful, Even can’t fall asleep, he’s afraid to miss something.

Even brushes his fingers through Isak’s soft curls, a small smile appears on Isak’s lips, but he doesn’t wake up. Even draws along Isak’s face with his fingers, his touch is as light as a feather, he doesn’t want to wake Isak up. Even knows about Isak’s trouble with sleeping, he saw the lights in Isak’s room at hours when he should already be sound asleep.

He lays like this for another half an hour, before he decides to get up, he decides to go for a walk and to go home, convincing his mom that he’s still alive, she’s probably worried about him though he texted her that he’s with Isak.

Even slowly stands up from the bed, he grabs his clothes from the floor and puts them on. He walks up to Isak’s wardrobe and steals a gray hoddie from him, it looks cozy and warm, plus it smells like him.

He buries his nose in the fabric and inhales Isak scent, Even almost chuckles as he imagines what Isak will probably say when he wakes up and sees Even standing there sniffing on his clothes. Even pulls the hoodie over his head and walks back to the bed, he looks down at Isak and whispers “I’ll be back soon.”

Even walks out Isak’s room, he doesn’t want Isak to wake up in an empty bed again, so he needs to hurry, just a quick walk around the block, to get rid of his energy and a quick visit at home, he’ll be back in an hour, the latest. Isak will still be asleep, and Even can cuddle up to him and maybe he can catch one or two hours of sleep as well.

As he walks out the front door he takes a deep breath, is it warmer than two days ago? The morning air is fresh and it feels good to breathe it in.

Even walks along the front yard and makes his way out to the street, his feet take him quickly through the streets of the neighborhood. Around twenty minutes later, he decides it’s time to walk back home, Isak’s waiting in his bed and Even wants to be there when he wakes up.

As Even opens the front door to his home, he hears the radio playing from the kitchen, good his mom’s home so she can see that he’s still in one piece.

Even walks in the kitchen, Ida’s leaning against the kitchen counter, her hands cupped around a mug of coffee, she turns her head as she hears Even approaching “Even? I thought you are with Isak? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah everything okay. Am I not allowed to come home?” Even says, he’s a little surprised about her reaction.

“Of course you are, honey. I just didn’t expect you before tonight, I thought you guys need time to...” but before Ida can go on Even interrupts her.

“God mom.” Even sighs and rolls his eyes, on Ida’s lips dances a smile.

“I’m just here to let you know that I’m still alive and in one piece. Now I’m gonna grab my guitar and get back to Isak. And don’t expect me for tonight, because you know…” Even makes a face to his mother before he leaves the kitchen and climbs the stairs to go to his room.

He grabs his guitar and wants to rush out his room again, but he freezes in his movement when he remembers that he forgot to take his pills yesterday.

Even swallows hard, he’s standing there for another few seconds, before he steps in his bathroom and grabs out one of the pill boxes, he shakes out a pill and swallows it without water.

He takes out the other bill box and puts in his pocket, he needs to take them tonight, he already left out a dose yesterday. Once won’t do any harm, but twice is one time too much.  

Even opens the door to Isak’s room as quiet as possible, he tiptoes in there, his eyes are scanning the boy lying on the bed, Even exhales relieved, Isak’s still asleep. Even puts the guitar beside Isak’s desk and takes off the gray hoodie, his shirt and his jeans.

He slips back in Isak’s bed, diving his feet under the duvet and cuddles up to Isak. He wraps his arms around Isak from behind and buries his nose in the other boy’s hair.

****

09:39

Isak’s somewhere between being awake and asleep, he feels two long arms wrapped around him, he feels the warmth of skin pressed against his own, he feels a kiss between his neck and his shoulder.

Isak turns around and slowly opens his eyes, he looks into two light blue eyes. Like an ocean. Isak’s lips form into a smile, and Even’s do the same.

“Hei.” Isak whispers.

“Hei.” Even whispers back, and places a soft kiss on Isak’s lips.

This is the first time that Isak wakes up in Even’s arms, but he wants to have this for the rest of his life, waking up like this, feels like waking up in fucking heaven.

When Isak opens his eyes again, he takes Even’s face in, he looks a little tired, there are light circles under his eyes “You look tired, Ev, didn’t you sleep well?”

“Of course I did.” Even smiles “That’s just how I look right after waking up. You’ll get used to it.” Even’s thumb is drawing along the outlines of Isak’s bottom lip.

Isak doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the sight of Even, this beautiful eyes and face. He’s been thinking these words for so long now, since the first time he saw Even, and now these words roll off Isak’s tongue so naturally, he’s not scared, not even a little nervous to say them “You’re beautiful in every way.” Isak places a kiss on Even’s thumb.

Even’s eyes widen a little, is he surprised that Isak said it or is he surprised that someone said it at all? How can Even not know that he’s beautiful inside and out?

****

Even’s sitting on the awning, his guitar placed on his lap, his eyes pinned at the distance, his fingers are striking over the strands of his guitar, playing no specific melody.

“You’re beautiful in every way.”

A sad smile appears on Even’s lip and he whispers to himself “Oh, baby you have no idea.”

He takes a deep breath, and stretches his back a little before he starts to play a melody, and to quietly sing...


When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

Even lays the guitar down beside him and wraps his arms around his knees, he takes a deep breath, then he hears Isak climbing out the window. Isak sits down beside him, leans his head against Even’s shoulder and wraps an arm around him “It’s chilly today. Aren’t you cold?”

“Not anymore.” Even smiles, placing a kiss on Isak’s still a little damp curls.

“Even?” Isak says, he doesn’t take his eyes from the distance.

“Hmm?” Even hums, looking down at him.

“Are you gonna stay?” Isak asks, he takes his eyes from the distance and looks into Even’s blue ones.

Isak’s question sounds like if he’s asking Even to never leave again, to stay for the rest of time, not only today. Maybe Even interprets too much in Isak’s words, no matter how Isak means his words, for today or for the rest of time, he stays.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easy.” Even answers, he wraps his arm around Isak’s waist to snuggle him a little closer.

I’m staying forever if you want me to.

15:29

"You wanna watch a movie?" Even breaths out the smoke and hands the blunt to Isak, who’s sitting next to him, leaned against the headboard of the bed.

Isak takes the blunt and drags on it before he answers "Yeah. We can watch one with Nicolas Cage, what do you think?" he turns his head to look at Even, a smile on his face.

"Yeah sure." Even nods, and mirrors Isak’s smile. That smile, you’re so gorgeous when you smile.

It's silent for a few moments, Even leans his head back and stares at the ceiling, his fingers drawing little circles on Isak’s naked thigh.

What will happen if I would say it now?
No not now, it's not the right moment.

Even knows it's selfish not to tell Isak about his bipolar, but he doesn't want to break this moment here, he's not ready to lose this, to lose Isak. He's not ready to shout "cut".

Even can fell Isak's glance on him, the other boy brushes a strain out of Even's face and asks "What are you thinking?"

"Do you ever think that your life is like a movie and you can be the director of it?" Even asks back, his eyes looking at Isak now.

Isak's looking at Even for a few breaths without saying anything, he seems to think about what Even just said. He licks his lips before he says "Nei, I don't know, I'm more into the idea of infinity."

Even raises one of his brows and asks "What do you mean?"

"All these parallel universes. Just how big everything is, and we're just a tiny insignificant part of the big whole." Isak explains and there's a light in his eyes as he talks about this stuff, he really seems to believe in it, Even never thinks about stuff like that 'cause imagine to be just a tiny insignificant piece of something, freaks him out a little and thoughts like this make him feel so alone.

"And in all these universes everything that can happen will happen, no it is happening." Isak goes on, while Even draws circles and writes non existing words on Isak's thigh, thinking about his words.

So there's a universe where I never met you?
So there's a universe where my try succeded?
So there's a universe where you leave me when I tell you I'm bipolar?
So there's a universe where there is no you and me, no Isak and Even?


This is exactly why Even doesn't want to think about infinity and all this stuff, it only leads him to thoughts like this and they aren't good for his mental health.

"So probably in a parallel universe there are an Isak and an Even lying exactly like this in the exact same place only that .. uhm the curtains are a different color."

Even smiles "So yellow curtains then?"

Isak nods "Yeah."

"I think that's enough jay for you." Even chuckles and strokes his fingers over Isak's soft curls, taking the blunt from the other boy’s fingers and taking the last drag before he stumps it out in the mug filled with a little water.

"What? You never thought of that before?" Isak asks with a smile on his lips, oh if he would know how often Even already thought about these things but they lead to no good.

"Sure I did, but I just don't like it. It freaks me out a little." Even admits, he knows this might sound ridiculous to Isak, but it’s the truth.

"In what way?" Isak asks, the glance in his eyes so curious.

"I don't know, it’s hard to explain, these thoughts make me kinda feel alone." Even says, he doesn't know how to describe this feeling when there's just him and his brain and these thoughts. He feels trapped and alone, yeah that's the best description for it.

"What do you mean by feeling alone?" Isak asks.

"You know, there's just you, your brain and all these thoughts. It's sort of a 'the-brain-is-alone' feeling." Even explains, God do his words even make any sense to the other boy? Does Isak understand that something’s not quite right with Even’s brain?

"The-brain-is-alone' feeling?" Isak seems confused, of course he has no idea what Even's talking about and Even is more than happy that Isak doesn't know that feeling, it's one of the worst.

"There's only you and your thoughts. And the only way to escape them, is to die." Even goes on and gives Isak an insight of his (how Even tends to call it) twisted mind.

"That's some dark stuff, Even." Isak says and the glance in his eyes is worried.

Even chews on his bottom lip and nods "Yeah, I know." But this is how Even’s brain works, when he’s down, his mind circles around these messed up and dark thoughts, and sometimes it seems like dying is the easier way out than to last that episode.

Isak's phone goes off again, causing both boys to twitch, it's already the fourth time, Isak rolls his eyes and grabs the phone from the nightstand and Even can catch the name on the screen – Dad. Oh.

Even wonders why Isak doesn’t want to take his dad’s calls, and why Isak's acting so irritated about them. What did happen between them? Where is his dad?

Isak hangs up on his dad, he looks back to Even, Even frowns, he scans Isak's face, he gently caresses his cheek before he asks "Where's your dad, Isak?"

Isak looks at him, and Even can see that Isak's not very comfortable with this topic, no not at all, Isak frowns and bites down his bottom lip, it seems like he’s thinking about telling Even or not.

Isak exhales loudly and says "My dad left four or five months ago, the only thing he said was that he couldn't handle this anymore. My mom, you know."

"Oh." Even says, okay he didn't expect that, but now he understands why Isak doesn't want to talk to his dad, he's pissed and he’s hurt.

"Yeah, he's an asshole. He pissed off when things got too heavy." Isak says, and Even knows that it hurts him more than he wants to admit.

"Do you take it amiss?" as soon as the words are out, Even wants to punch his own face, of course Isak takes it amiss, what's that even for a question, goddamn.

"Of course I do. He left his fucking family behind, he left a sixteen year old boy alone with his mental ill mother, because he couldn't take it anymore. I can remember when mom had a bad day, like a really bad day, he said that we can do that together, we can do that because we're a family. He said that our love is stronger than mom's mental illness. And five days later he left." Isak says, Even can see tears forming in the other boy’s eyes. Shit he didn’t want to make him sad.

"Sometimes love isn't enough, you know." Even says, he wants to try Isak, Even wants to know how Isak would've handled things if he would've been in the position of his father. Maybe Even can find out how Isak will react to his illness, when he's handling this clever now.

"Bullshit." Isak breaths quietly, he looks away from Even, chewing on his inner cheek.

"Excuse me?" Even says, one of his brows raised. Oh interesting.

Isak looks back in Even's eyes, it's a few seconds quiet between the boys before Isak says "Love?” he raises his brows, as if he's asking if Even's serious right now.

"You don't think he loves her?" Even asks, his thumb gently stroking Isak's cheek.

Isak leans in the touch and sighs “I think there was a time when he did, but I don't think he does anymore. I mean I would've tried for the person I love. I mean when you love someone, you love them in their bad times as well, right?"

Even smiles at Isak, these words give Even hope, so much hope, he can tell Isak about his mental illness, there's a high chance that he won't piss off, he'll stay, he'll try.

Isak's looking questioningly at him, but Even doesn't say anything, he cozies up to the other boy and kisses him.

You have no idea how fucking much you mean to me already. I love you.

****

Mandag 08:38

“Isak, we're already late.” Even breaths on Isak's lips, between their kisses.

Isak almost starts to laugh, how can Even think about school now, and Isak hasn't planned to go to school today anyways. He has other things in mind, more exciting things than Biology or Norwegian or whatever.

Isak's hand is gently pulling on Even's hair, causing the other boy's lips to escape a quiet moan, he kisses Even's jaw and down his throat, before he removes his lips from the other boy's soft skin.

Isak smirks, looking down a second at Even's clearly showing boner "Okay then let's go." He leans up and starts to make his way up from the bed.

“Fuck, come back here.” Even huffs out a little laugh, it made Isak's heart flutter, Even grabs Isak's arm and pulls him back down on the bed and brushes their lips back together.

When they end the kiss, both needing a break to catch their breaths, Isak asks innocently "So we're skipping school today?"

"Mmh, yes." Even's voice sounds husky and a little deeper than usual, the glance in his eyes is hungry.

Oh fuck.

Even's hand brushes through Isak's blond curls, Isak licks his lips before their lips crash together again.

It's a mess, all tongue and teeth, both of them wanting more, more than just kissing each other, more then lips on lips and tongue against tongue.

Even grabs Isak's waist and with one flourish movement Isak's lying under Even now.

He grins up at Even, and raises one of his brows, Even leans down and connects their lips for a short but soft peck, before his lips wander down Isak's jaw and throat, gently nibbling on his collarbone, leaving a beautiful dark red mark behind.

Even's mouth's ghosting kisses down his chest and stomach, a warm shudder runs down Isak's spine, he bites down his bottom lips, before a shaky moan escapes his mouth “Fuck.”

Even looks up at him and Isak looks down in his beautiful eyes. Blue meets green. Even's fingers are hesitantly stroking the skin above the waistband of Isak's boxers.

Isak smiles at him, indicating that he's fine, that he's ready for whatever Even has in mind, he trusts him, with all his heart.

And before Isak can change his mind (what he definitely doesn't want to), his boxers land on the floor.

Isak takes a deep breath, and licks nervously his lips, he's lying there, all naked, all exposed to Even's beautiful blue eyes.

Even's leaning over him, taking in the sight of Isak naked body in, Isak can't help but blush as he watches Even memorizing every inch of his body. Fucking hell.

There's this glance in Even's eyes again, he looks as if Isak's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and it makes Isak heart swell in his chest. I love you.

Isak brushes a strain of Even's hair out of his face before he cups the other boy's face with his hands and gently pulls him down to kiss him.

When their lips part Even has a fond look in is eyes and a precious smile on his lips "You're so beautiful, baby."

Baby.

Isak mirrors Even's smile, his nervousness calming slowly down, Even's fingers slowly stroking his soft sides, causing goosebumps to grow on Isak's skin.

Oh God.

Even's soft thick lips make their way down Isak's body again, and Isak's melting under Even's soft touches, under his kisses, this feeling's just overwhelming.

And when Even's encompasses him, and a few seconds later Isak feels the warmth of Even's mouth around him, he forgets everything, the stress from Friday night, his dad, he forgets every worry, every fucking single thing, he even forgets to breath.

There's just them. Isak and Even. Even and Isak.

11:32

After their lazy morning in bed, okay it wasn't that lazy, the boys decide to go out and grab some lunch.

They argue about half an hour what they should get, before they finally agree on grabbing some burgers at the takeaway two blocks away.

Even's standing in front of the bed, his upper body is bend down, he picks up his shirt from the floor. As Even comes back up, Isak's eyes wander over his body, they stop at the red, almost purple mark at the left side of Even's chest, right where his heart beats.

My marks are on your heart.

Even catches Isak's glance and he chuckles "Are you coming or are you gonna keep staring?"

Isak huffs out a laugh and rolls his eyes "You're so full of yourself, it's ridiculous."

Even laughs, grabs Isak's hand and pulls him up from the bed to his feet, his hands lingering on Isak's waist as he pecks his lips.

Even leans down again to grab Isak's jeans and hands it to the other boy, then he grabs his own jeans and puts it on, Isak watches him with a raised eyebrow, Even looks at him and asks "What? Hurry up, baby, I'm hungry."

Baby. God.

"Yeah, I noticed." Isak teases, causing Even's cheeks to get a few shades pinker. Even doesn't blush a lot, but when he does, he's looking fucking adorable.

Even grabs Isak's shirt and throws it in his face, still that gorgeous blush on his cheeks "Shut up."

****


They're on their way back home, replete and happy, Isak takes Even's hand and intertwines their fingers, Even looks from their hands to Isak's eyes, a smile on his face “So what are we doing with the rest of our day off?”

“I have a few things in mind.” Isak raises his eyebrows suggestively.

“Isak.” Even says played shocked, but he smiles at the other boy.

But then Isak freezes in his movement, Even takes another two steps before he realizes that Isak stopped, Isak pulls his hand away from Even and buries both his hands in his hoddie.

Even looks at Isak, frowning “What's wrong?”

But Isak doesn't say anything, he's just staring blankly at a man, who's walking towards them down the street, the man's eyes are pinned at his phone.

“Isak who's that?” Even says, he's getting worried now, what's going on here.

As the man recognizes Isak, his eyes widen for a second, a smile appears on his face and he quickens his steps towards them.

Isak looks like a deer caught in headlights, Even can see that he's feeling uncomfortable as fuck, he looks like he's about to turn around and get the hell away from there.

“Isak? Hei.” the man says, he's only a few steps away, and before Isak says anything, Even knows who this is, it's Isak's dad.

“Dad.” Isak says, his voice's hardly hearable, it's more a whisper.

Even looks at the man, he's a little taller than Isak, his hair is dark brown with a few gray strains in it, his eyes are dark green, but it's a different green than in Isak's eyes. Isak's father looks friendly, but something about his appearance is kinda intimidating, but Even can't tell what it is.

The man's now standing in front of them, Isak swallows and presses his words out “Hei, dad. What are you doing here?”

“Business.” Isak's father says, the smile on his face fades a little as he goes on “Isak, look I'm tired of getting no answer from you. Can I at least explain a few things to you? Can you give me a chance? Please.”

Even stands there, it seems like Isak's dad hasn't even noticed him, his eyes are fixed on his son. Even wants to comfort Isak, but he doesn't want to do anything that outs him in front of his dad, Even doesn't know if Isak's ready for this. So Even just stands there, being a silent watcher of that uncomfortable scene between father and son.

“Dad, I don't... I...” Isak stutters, his eyes wandering between his father's face and the ground.

“Can we meet for dinner on Wednesday? Please Isak.” his father asks, the look in his eyes is pleading.

“Okay.” Isak breaths “Text me where. I'll be there.”

“Sure? You'll be there?” his father asks, he seems not convinced.

“Jesus yes, I'll be there. ” Isak says, his voice a little too loud.

“Okay, fine. I'll text you.” Isak's father says, he takes a look at his watch and adds “I gotta go son, see you on Wednesday.”

“Yeah, bye.” Isak says and then his father continues his way, leaving Isak and Even standing there.

As Isak's father's around the corner, Even cups Isak's face with his hands and asks "Is everything okay?"

"Yes.. uhm.. shit sorry I totally forgot to introduce you." Isak stumbles over his words, he's clearly still a little taken aback from that encounter with his dad.

Even smiles at him and brushes his thumb over his cheek "Don't worry, baby. Come, let's go home."

Chapter Text

Tirsdag 02:57
Isak’s lying on his back, staring up at the dark of the ceiling, he can’t sleep, his mind’s just too busy with flooding itself with hundreds of questions and there’s still that uneasy feeling in his stomach since he met his dad that morning.

When he was there for business, why didn’t he come over? Because you were supposed to be in school, genius.
Why isn’t he coming home, doesn’t he care about me?
Does he know that mom’s in the clinic? Of course he knows, Mal definitely told him.
Did he already visit her? Why didn’t he ask me if I want to come with him to visit her? Mal told you mom needs a great deal of rest and the doctors said that visits are not allowed during the first week.

Isak squeezes his eyes shut, inhales and exhales deeply, trying to shut his thoughts down.

He turns his head, to look at Even, lying beside him, the other boy mumbles something intelligible in his sleep, and he’s turning every few minutes, his sleep seems restless. Isak’s asks himself what’s haunting Even’s sleeping mind.

The moon shines through the window, diving Even’s face in a soft light, Isak brushes his fingers through Even’s hair, a smile appears on Even’s lips and his eyes slowly open.

Isak mirrors his smile, Even’s eyes scan Isak’s face and he asks, his voice still a little hoarse from sleep “Can’t you sleep, baby?”

“No.” Isak whispers and slowly shakes his head.

“Your dad?” Even asks, he takes Isak’s hand, which is brushing through his hair, in his and places a soft kiss on the back of it.

“Mmh.” Isak hums and turns his head to look back at the ceiling, somehow he’s a little embarrassed that this little encounter is still on his mind and keeping him from sleep.

“You wanna talk about it?” Even asks, he leans up on his hand to look at Isak's face.

“Not tonight.” Isak answers, his eyes still pinned to the ceiling.

“Okay.” Even whispers, he brushes a strand of Isak’s hair behind his ear “Come here.”

Isak’s eyes wander back to Even’s face, a smile dances on the other boy’s lips, Isak snuggles closer and rests his head on Even’s shoulder and places a kiss in the other boy’s neck.

Even’s fingers are drawing small circles on Isak’s shoulder, it’s silent in the room, the only sound is the quiet, tired breath of both boys.

“Thanks for cheering me up and stuff today, after we met my dad.” Isak mumbles in Even’s neck.

“Everything for you, baby.” Even places a kiss on Isak’s curls and cuddles him even closer.

Isak leans his head back to look in Even’s face, he smiles and brushes their lips together, it’s a slow and loving kiss.

The boys kiss ‘til they fall back asleep, in a more or less restful sleep, their limps wrapped around each other, not possible to tell where Isak begins and where Even ends.

 

08:39
Isak and Even make their way to school together, they’re sitting in the back of the tram, talking and laughing, but keeping enough space between them so strangers on the transport won’t get suspicious. Isak knows it’s stupid and that he’s a coward, he wants this, he wants to touch and kiss Even whenever he feels like it so bad, but first he needs to talk to his friends about all this.

He doesn’t care about the strangers, they’re just people who don’t know him, if they will judge him for being with a boy he won’t care, okay he will, but just a little. His not as scared as he was a few weeks ago, somehow during all those minutes spent with Even he finally accepted who he is, somehow Even managed that Isak throw all his worries aboard and dove right into their relationship. With every kiss and touch Even took a piece of Isak's fear away.

But Isak's still anxious what his mom will think about him being gay, and about his friend's reaction, especially Jonas'.

Isak and Jonas have been sharing every little secret they got since they became best friends in kindergarten, it changed when Isak slowly became aware that he wasn’t as much into girls as Jonas was, no he wasn’t at all. While Jonas told him about the cute girl, who talked to him in the school library, all Isak could think was how Jonas’ lips were forming the words he was speaking, how beautiful his eyes were. Yeah Jesus, Isak’s the typical cliché here, he was crushing on his straight best friend, and he even drove a wedge between Jonas and Eva last year, because he was fucking jealous and he wanted Jonas all to himself.

Isak hopes Jonas won’t be too pissed that he didn’t tell him right away that he’s gay, he hopes he won’t be pissed at him for keeping it a secret the last past years. He’s hoping that Jonas understands that it wasn’t easy for Isak to come to terms with his sexuality, that he was struggling with it himself – for so long he was convinced that his crush on Jonas and beeing attracted to boys was just something that will go away after a while, 'cause he just hasn’t found the right girl yet, but when he saw Even that day he moved in, he knew that no girl in the world will ever make him feel like Even did and does.

“What are you thinking that makes you smile that precious?” Even asks and nudges his shoulder against Isak’s.

“You.” Isak looks up from his hands to Even’s gorgeous blue eyes, and God he wants to kiss him so bad right now.

Even’s lips curl up into a bright smile, he lays his hand on one of Isak’s and squeezes it lightly, he leans over and whispers in Isak’s ear “You have no idea how fucking bad I want to kiss you right now.”

A blush immediately creeps on Isak’s cheeks, he huffs out a small nervous laugh and squeezes Even’s hand back. Soon.

15:39
Somehow Isak managed to avoid the boys the whole school day, he spent his breaks with Even outside on the school yard. Isak could feel the glances of his school mates on him, he knew they were talking about what happened on Friday, he knew gossip factory was working overtime, but Isak ignored them. He sat on the little wall chatting casually with a smoking Even and he couldn’t care less about the other student's stupid gab.

Isak just came home and is ready to plant his body on the couch and chill for a little, before he gets some shit done for school.

The phone in his pocket pings and Isak pulls it out, he opens the text and stares at the screen for a little while.

 

Jonas: Are you home?

 

Isak thinks about lying to his best friend, but he decides it’s time to put the cards on the table, it’s time to tell Jonas the truth, he can’t hide this forever from him.

 

Isak: Yes, wanna come over?

Jonas: Yeah, be there in 20
Jonas: Did you already eat?

Isak: No.

Jonas: So I bring Kebab then, kay?

Isak: You know me too well :) 

Jonas: ;)

 

About 20 minutes later Isak hears the nearing steps of his best friend, the doorbell rings and Isak stands up, leans around the wall and yells “I’m in the backyard.”

Jonas walks towards him, one of his hands in his pockets, the other one caring a plastic bag, there’s a light smile on his lips, that’s good, that means he isn’t pissed at him “Hei.” Jonas greets.

“Hei.” Isak says back, Jonas steps on the terrace and the boys sit down at the chairs across from each other.

They look at each other in silence for a few breaths, Jonas scans Isak’s face, Isak starts to nervously play with his hands and asks “You want something to drink?”

Jonas huffs out a small laugh and nods “Yeah, you got beer?”

“Sure.” Isak smiles and stands up and walks in the kitchen, to get their drinks.

As he walks back out, he hands Jonas his beer and grabs his Kebab out of the plastic bag, he unwraps the food and takes a bite.

He feels Jonas eyes on him as he chews his bite, he knows the other boy’s waiting for him to talk, Isak swallows and looks at Jonas “Is Mahdi still mad at me?”

“No one’s mad at you, man.” Jonas says before he opens the beer bottle and takes a sip “We’re just worried and we don’t know what your deal is.”

“My deal?” Isak raises his eyebrows and takes another bite.

“You’re acting pretty weird lately.” Jonas explains, his eyes are scanning Isak’s face.

Isak hands Jonas the bottle of beer to open it, ‘cause his own hands are occupied with holding his food, as the other boy reaches it back, he takes a generous sip.

Jonas starts to eventually unwrap his Kebab and takes a bite, his eyes still on Isak, waiting for him to speak.

Isak exhales loudly before he says “Yeah, there’s this shit with my mom … and dad, and I have trouble falling asleep a little. That whole shit lets me lose my temper so goddamn quickly. I’m sorry about that.”

“Okay.” Jonas raises his brows and he slowly nods, but he doesn’t seem to really buy Isak’s words, fuck he knows him to well, he knows there’s something else, he knows Isak didn’t tell him the whole truth.

It’s a few minutes silent, Isak prepares the words he wants to say in his head, while he chews and swallows bite after bite.

Isak clears his throat and licks his lips before he stutters a little “And uhm, well yeah, I’m acting a little weird because of a person I like.”

Jonas lips form a smile while he chews on his bite, it kinda looks like he’s proud that he got that out from Isak, he raises one of his bushy brows and asks “Is it because of Emma?”

Isak rolls his eyes and answers “Nei, for fucks sake not Emma.” Isak's sure that Emma probably will never talk to him again, and to be honest he isn't too sad about that.

Jonas eyes widen a little, he seems surprised that Isak reacting like this “Who then?”

“Take a guess.” Isak smiles at him.

“Jesus Isak, you know, how bad I am at guessing.” Jonas sighs, but then he’s silent for a few breaths and goes on “Is it Linn?”

Isak almost chokes on the sip of beer he just took, Isak deeply frowns and awkwardly presses out between his coughs “Linn? Fyfaen she’s like a sister.” Why the fuck does Jonas think it's Linn?

Jonas looks at him with raised eyebrows “Okay, I'm a little lost here, man, can't you just tell me?”

Isak slightly shakes his head and smiles “I'll give you a hint.” he takes a deep breath and goes on “It's not a girl.”

Jonas takes a sip from his beer and thinks for a second before he asks “Is it me?”

Isak barks out a laugh “Nei, fyfaen Jonas? You? Nei, nei, nei.” Jesus if Jonas had ask him that a few months earlier Isak's answer would've been a different but that crush was definitely over.

“Yeah fyfaen, Isak. Why do you laugh? Am I that ugly or what?” Jonas knits his eyebrows but chuckles.

“Nei, it's not like that, tho. It's not you.” Isak lightly laughs.

After a few seconds of thinking a little smirk appears on Jonas' lips “Is it your neighbor? What's his name again?”

“Yes, his name's Even.” Isak slowly nods and his lips curl up into a smile.

Jonas mouths the name and a smile appears on his lips “Good looking guy, tho.”

“The fuck, Jonas?” Isak huffs out a laugh.

“Yeah I don't know what I'm supposed to say.” Jonas joins Isak's light laughter, before he takes the last bite of his Kebab.

Isak shrugs and says his mouth half full “I don't even know myself.”

“I thought I only imagined that awkward tension between you guys on Friday. You lost your shit because of him, right?“ Jonas asks, crushes the wrapping and throws it in the plastic bag and Isak does the same.

Isak blushes and looks down on his hands “Yeah, I saw him with his ex-girlfriend, got jealous and threw a fucking embarrassing tantrum.”

Jonas snorts out a laugh “You’ve always been a little drama queen, Issy.”

“Shut up.” Isak pouts, he shoves Jonas’ shoulder lightly, but joins his laughter.

****

“You're gonna tell me the reason for that?“ Theo grins and pokes his finger at the corner of Even’s smiling lips.

Even rolls his eyes, looks up from his phone and claps Theo’s hand away “You know, sometimes you’re a real pain in the ass.”

“And yet you love me, baby.” Theo's grin grows bigger and takes the cup Even hands him.

“Yeah whatever.” Even sighs and mirrors his grin.

“So what happened last Friday at that party? People were wildly speculating about that little dispute Isak had with his friends.” Theo says and takes a sip from his coffee.

“Yeah shit, I know. Isak saw me and Sonja in my room.” Even explains, Theo’s eyes widen and he opens his lips to say something but before he can do so, Even goes on “Let me finish before you give me shit, okay. She was just there to pick up some of her stuff. Isak saw me hugging her and he thought we were back together, he thought I lied about breaking up with her.”

“Goddamn, you guys really need to stop assuming shit and learn to talk with each other.” Theo says and slightly shakes his head.

“But some things are hard to talk about.” Even says quietly and takes a sip of his tea, he looks out in the distance for a while, Theo doesn’t say a thing, Even knows that he’s waiting for him to speak.

“I still haven’t told him about my illness.” Even admits after a few minutes of walking in complete silence with his friend.

“Shit Even, you know you can withhold this forever.” Theo sighs, his look’s a little worried.

“Yeah I know, I just don’t know how to tell him, the right moment wasn’t there yet.” Even says and avoids Theo’s glance.

“You guys spend the last three days together, so don’t say you had no chance to tell him.” Theo sighs, Even knew the other boy would give him shit. He knows he should’ve told Isak already, but whenever he had the words in mind he got too scared, too scared to wipe the gorgeous smile from Isak’s face, too scared Isak would throw him out, too scared Isak doesn’t want to be with him anymore.

“T you know exactly why I'm hesitating.” Even exhales loudly.

“Even, I know it’s not easy and that you’re scared, but you need to tell him. I bet my right kidney Isak’s not gonna piss off, he might be pissed that you didn’t tell him earlier but he’s not gonna leave you.”

“What if he does?” Even asks, he doesn’t even want to think about a scenario in which Isak turns his back on him.

“It will hurt for a while, maybe a long while, but you’ll find someone else, who loves you just the way you are.” Theo lays his hand on Even’s shoulder and lightly squeezes it.

“I don’t want someone else.” Even says and looks back at the other boy.

“Then I think it’s time to put the cards on the table, baby.” Theo smiles at him.

“What if he wants to know other things as well? You know bipolar isn’t my only skeleton in the closet.” Even’s expression’s sad now. He doesn’t want to load the shit of his past onto Isak, the other boy has already enough package to carry on his own.

Isak knows how it is to live with a mental ill person, he knows how messed up things can go, he already has a mental ill mother, does he want a mental ill boyfriend as well?

“What happened, already happened, you can’t change your past, Even. You made mistakes, we all did, but don’t let these things keep you from having a better present and future.” Theo says and today seems to be one of the days on which Theo manages to make Even feel better, with his dumb cheesy words.

“That was really deep, T. You learned some quotes by heart to throw them at me?” Even chuckles.

“Yes, ‘books-n-quotes’ on tumblr is where I get my shit.” Theo makes a face at Even and takes the last sip of his coffee and throws the plastic mug in the bin beside the bench they just walked by.

“Wow, I think I might check that out, so when you come to me with a crisis I can quote some of these too. But I guess I look out for more like love quotes, since things with you and Maja seem to get serious, huh?” Even wags his eyebrows suggestively, changing the subject to Theo’s new fling is a good way to get rid of Theo’s worried glance in his eyes. His friend tries his best to hide it, but well, he’s not very good at it, not at all. 
 

****

Isak's climbing the stairs to go to his room, it's been a good day, he finally found the courage to come out to his best friend and tell him about Even.

As Isak enters his room, his eyes immediately catch the piece of paper lying on the pillow Even slept on the last three days.

He takes a few quick strikes towards his bed and grabs the paper, he unfolds it and a bright smile appears on his lips as he looks at the drawing from Even.

It shows two boys sitting on an awning from behind, they're looking out in the distance, no doubt this drawing is showing Isak and Even. Isak's head is leaned on Even's shoulder, his arm wrapped around his waist, Even's head leaned on Isak's. Under the drawing stands in Even's a little messy handwriting “I'll stay as long as you want me to.”

Another piece of Even. Isak presses the paper against his heart and takes a deep breath before he pins it to the other one above his desk.

Isak sits down on the chair in front of his desk and looks at the two drawings and he ask himself when Even drew the second one. He was there the last three days, and the drawing is definitely showing them on Sunday, they were sitting just like that out there on the awning.

Are you gonna stay? Isak asked and somehow Even just seemed to understand how Isak meant his question.

 

Isak: Are you home?

Even: No sorry, baby, I'm out with Theo. Why? Miss me already?

Isak: Shut up, I just wanted to see you :P

Even: I can come later. Okay?

Isak: I bet you can ;)

Even: Isak!!

Isak: :P ♥

Even:


****


20:02
Even's walking down the stairs, on his way to the kitchen, his eyes catch a movement outside in the yard. Is it Isak already? But he texted that he needed to shower first before he comes over to christen Even's bed and that was just two minutes ago.

The house's pretty dark, he didn't put the light on when he got down, 'cause he already knows the way inside out.
He knits his eyebrows and walks slowly by the kitchen to the big open living room, he walks along the very side so whoever is out there won't see him in there.

'I saw his car parking in front of the hospital a few times already.'

Even swallows hard and grabs the phone from his pocket, quickly searches for his mother's contact and presses the call button with his thumb.

"Honey?" Ida takes the call, her voice sounds worried, but it always has the last couple of days. Why is everyone so worried?

"Mom, where are you?" Even says, he tries to keep his voice steady, he tries not to sound as nervous as he is.

"I'm on my break before my next shift. Why?" his mother answers.

Even's reached the French window now, he slides the curtain a little aside and looks out "Oh yeah, I forgot that you're working a double today, I just wanted to ask if I should make you something to eat before I go to bed, but that's...nevermind..."

"Is everything okay, Evy? You sound a little nervous?" Ida says, her voice a pitch higher than usual, shit he didn't mean to make her nervous.

“Yes, everything's fine. Uhm mom, Isak's coming over so you don't wonder when you come home.” Even says to change the subject.

“Honey, that's fine. Uhm, listen, I gotta go now. Is really everything okay?” Ida asks again, and Even regrets that he called her in his twinge of panic.

“Yes, don't worry. See you tomorrow morning. Bye.” Even says, his eyes still scanning the twilit back yard, but he can't see anything unusual out there.

“Bye, honey.” Ida's voice still sounds concerned, shit he shouldn't have called her, now she’s probably gonna worry for the rest of the night.

His irrational panic that Frederik could be out there, creeping around their back yard, is just pathetic and ridiculous.

Then a face appears behind the glass of the French window, Even startles that much that his phone falls to the floor “Holy shit.”

The face behind the glass laughs, Even picks up his phone and opens the window.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.” Isak chuckles while he steps inside the living room.

“Jesus, I almost crapped my pants, Iss.” Even breaths, his heart pounds in his chest, for a short second he thought he was looking in Frederik's eyes through the glass “Haven't expected you yet.”

“Yeah I just thought showering together would be more fun.” Isak smirks at him, he steps closer to Even and wraps his arms around his waist, he looks up at him and raises his eyebrows, Isak’s way to ask for a kiss without words.

Even smiles down at him and breathes “Hei.” Then their lips connect to a sweet and loving kiss.

.

“Are you hungry, baby? I can make dinner for us if you want.” Even asks, while he slides the French door shut, his eyes scanning the yard while he slowly closes the blinds.

“I’m fine thanks, ate Kebab with Jonas earlier.” Isak answers, with a light smile on his face.

“Did you guys talk about Friday?” Even turns around to look at Isak, while he climbs the stairs to go to his room.

“Yes I did and I told him about you. Us.” Isak says, he sits down on Even’s bed, cross legged, his cheeks blush a little.

Adorable and brave. My baby.  

“You did tell him? I’m so proud of you, baby.” Even’s standing in front of Isak, smiling down at him, he cups the other boy’s face with his hands and leans his forehead against Isak’s.

Isak rolls his eyes, but the smile stays on his lips, Even knows he doesn’t want to show it too much, but Even can tell that he’s fucking happy that he finally found the courage to come out to his best friend and Even’s so proud of him because he knows it’s not that easy as everybody thinks it is.

Isak lays down on his back and pulls Even with him on the bed, he brushes their lips together.

They lay there for a while, Even resting between Isak’s legs, his upper body leaned over the other boy, kissing ‘til their lips are red and swollen. Even’s fear that it could’ve been his mother’s ex out there in the yard, vanished as soon as Isak’s and his lips connected.

“Shower. Now.” Isak breaths between their kissing.

Even gets up from the bed, grabs Isak’s hands and pulls him up to his feet, one of his hands remains wrapped around Isak’s wrist and he drags him to the bathroom.

They undress each other pretty eagerly between their messy kissing, somehow Even manages to turn the water on.

And when Isak takes him in, Even forgets everything, he forgets his fear that Frederik could show up, his fear Isak would leave him when he tells him about his bipolar, he forgets everything, he even forgets how to breath.


****

Isak watches Even, standing at the kitchen counter, preparing a sandwich, the other boy looks over his shoulder and asks “You sure you don’t want one?”

“Yeah, thanks.” Isak answers and smiles, Isak runs his fingers through his wet curls, his eyes still pinned at Even “Is Ida working a night?”

“Actually she’s working a double, she won’t come ‘til sometime in the morning.” Even says, he doesn’t turn around, his eyes fixated on his sandwich “Are you scared she’s gonna show up?”

“No, I just don't want to greet her in my boxers.” Isak huffs out a laugh and Even joins.

It's quiet a few breaths before Isak breaks the silence “Babe? Can I ask you something?”

“You already did.” Even turns around and grins at him “Nah joke aside, go on.”

"How was it when you told your mom that you're into guys as well? And your friends, where they surprised or shocked?" Isak asks, looking curiously at Even.

"Hmm I guess my mom knew before I did, but I guess she thought I was gay. She was actually surprised when Sonja and I got together. She said one day, that I can be together with who I want, it wouldn't change her love for me. She really thought at first I was with Sonja to cover my homosexuality. But then I explained her, that I fall for the person regardless their gender. And you know what she said, it was pretty funny 'cause Theo said the exact same thing." Even chuckles and slightly shakes his head.

Isak let's the words sink in, loving people regardless their gender, just loving them for who they are, a smile appears on his lips and he whispers "This is so you, Ev."

"Jesus, how do you know that? That's exactly what they said." Even looks at Isak with raised eyebrows, a wide smile on his lips.

"Because it's true, you're so open with people, you're probably the kindest and most charming person I've ever met." Isak smiles at Even, he has seen the way Even's friends from school look at him, the admiration in their eyes, Even has that certain ability to make you feel comfortable when you're around him.

"Baby, you're making me blush." Even smiles at him, and indeed a small blush colors Even's cheeks.

Isak smirks at Even, he just loves it when Even's the one who blushes, that beautiful shade of red that creeps on his cheeks, it's just too fucking adorable.

"So... uhm were you with a boy before you met Sonja?" Isak asks, he's really curious, he wants to know if Even already experienced something like this, if there were other boys out there, who got to enjoy the taste of Even's lips, skin, and...

"No, but I had a crush on two boys before I met her. And I kissed a guy once, but that... nevermind..." Even takes a bite from his sandwich and smiles at Isak.

"Oh..." Isak lightly smiles and shyly looks down on his hands resting on the table, so that means he's Even's first, just like he's Isak's first, not in every way but almost.

"I told you that this isn't only new for you." Even winks at Isak as he looks back up from his hands.

Both boys twitch when the house telephone goes off, Isak looks at Even with a light frown on his forehead. Who the hell is calling that late on that connection?

Even’s smiles fades immediately from his lips, his expression freezes and his face gets a little pale, he looks like he just saw a ghost.

The other boy takes the phone and looks at its screen for a few breaths, it seems like he doesn’t know if he should take the call or rather not.

“Hello?” Even eventually answers the call, Isak looks at him, the frown still on his forehead, what’s going on, why is Even so fucking nervous?

“The fuck you want?” Even tries to sound harsh, but his sentence came out shakier and more insecure than he probably wanted.

Wow a pretty harsh greeting, who's that on the phone? Who's making Even so fucking nervous?

Isak sits there on the table, his eyes scanning Even's whole mannerism, his body is tensed, his face is hard, are his teeth gritted?

“I’m fine, Fred. We’re fine.” Even runs his fingers through his hair, he leans against the kitchen counter, his eyes are pinned to the floor.

Even's Adam's apple jumps up and down, he swallows hard, he's searching for words, but he doesn't seem to find them, Isak wants to jump up and wrap his arms around him, he wants to comfort Even, but he doesn't know if the other boy wants this right now. It even seems like he totally forgot that Isak's sitting there on the table.

Even nods a few times before he presses out “Yeah.”

His eyes shoot to Isak and widen for a second, but he quickly looks away again, Isak frowns grows deeper.

What the hell is going on here?

“I don't think It’s any of your fucking business what I’m doing with my life. I’m the one, who’s manipulating people? Take a look in a fucking mirror.” Even snaps and shakes his head in disbelieve, his brow furrowed.

“What do you want?” Even breaths, he runs his fingers over his eyes, suddenly he seems tired, so fucking tired.

“Hell no, she doesn’t want to see you, that’s why we fucking left without saying goodbye. She was a wrack because of you, and now you want her to hear you out? Fuck you, you can choke.” Even spits out and Isak can tell from the look on the other boy's face that he means it.

Isak's mouth almost drops open, he never heard Even speaking like this, he didn't even know the other boy could be able to speak such harsh words in such a hard tone.

He takes a deep breath, stands up from his chair and walks towards Even, the other boy's still listening to the voice on the other end of the line.

Isak reaches his hand out, takes the phone from Even's hand and ends the call.

Even looks at him with wide eyes, he looks like he's surprised that Isak's even there.

“Ev, who was that?” Isak asks, his eyes are scanning his face, he's worried and even a little scared. Who the hell makes Even feel so angry and anxious.

He seems so lost and confused, and are these tears in his eyes? Fucking hell.

Isak doesn't wait for an answer, he wraps his arms around Even and hugs him tightly, stroking gently up and down his back.

It takes a while 'til Even starts to relax in his arms, but when he does, he hugs Isak back.

As they pull apart, Even takes a shaky breath and says “It was my mom’s ex.”

There's a smile on Even's lips but Isak knows it's forced, he gently strokes the back of his hand over Even's cheek, he gives him a soft smile and Even leans in the touch.

“Okay, I see you don’t want to talk about this. But do I need to be worried?” Isak asks quietly, all alarm systems in his body are ringing, Even seems to be really intimidated by this guy.

“No, it's okay, baby.” Even whispers, and Isak knows it's not, but for now he lets it rest, they'll talk about this another time.

Chapter Text

Onsdag 02:43

It's one of these nights, Even's mind doesn't want to shut down, his mind's circling around his conversation on the phone with Frederik. He took his pills, but apparently they take a little longer to work today.


'I see you already made a new friend, or is this boy more than a friend?'

'Don’t you think you already hurt enough people, you really want to add him to your list?'

'I guess you love playing your little sick games and then pretending it’s the fault of your so called disease.'

'You were always great at manipulating people Even, but you didn’t get me, I’m resistible to your bullshit, you don’t play games with me.'

'I want to see your mother, you guys just left from one to day to another, you didn’t even say goodbye. You hurt me son, do you realize that?'

'Does he know about the things you did? Does he know about all your little secrets? Did you already tell him?'


Frederik's voice and words are still echoing in Even's mind, he doesn't know how to shut it down, the more he thinks about those words, the more they feel like a threat.

What if Frederik's gonna hurt Isak? How does he even know about Isak? Is he around now? Does he watch us?

Even's eyes fill with tears, he knows these words shouldn't affect him that much, he knows that Frederik's good at manipulating people, he knows his words aren't the truth.

Even never wanted to hurt people and when it happened, he never did it on purpose - he did things his brain told him where right in that moment – unfortunately never thinking about the consequences. That's how his brain works when he's manic, the most stupid things seem important and right, and he wants everyone to be happy, though the exact opposite might happen.

Even runs his fingers over his eyes and he takes a deep breath. He's doing better now, he's feeling better. He's got Isak, that boy makes him want to be the best version of himself, for him Even wants to better himself.

He turns his head to look at the boy lying beside him, Isak's sleeping and looking like an angel.

Even watches Isak for a little while, taking in every little detail of the other boy's angelic face, like he has done every single night in which he shared a bed with him.

Isak licks his lips and whispers “Are you watching me sleep?” A smile spreads on his lips and he slowly blinks his eyes open.

“Mmh.” Even hums and smiles at Isak.

“Still thinking about that call?” Isak mumbles, his voice sounds tired.

“Yeah.” he admits, he knows it's ridiculous and he should've hang up on Frederik, but when he called he was kinda frozen, he couldn't think straight and then the words he said, Even couldn't move a muscle.

Isak snuggles closer and scans Even's face, he runs his fingers through Even's hair and whispers “You know you can tell me things, right?”

“I know.” Even answers, but can he really tell Isak everything, every little bit of his life, every mistake Even ever made “But not tonight.”

“Okay.” Isak slightly nods, he cuddles even closer and buries his face in Even's neck and places a kiss there.

Even knows Isak wants to know what's it about Frederik, but first he needs to tell him about his illness, otherwise a few things won't make sense.

He places a kiss on Isak's blond curls and closes his eyes, inhaling Isak's scent.

It doesn't take Isak long to fall back asleep, Even concentrates on Isak's calm and steady breathing, and soon he falls asleep as well.

 

****


10:53

Isak’s sitting on the windowsill, looking out the window, down at the school yard, he’s watching Vilde, Eva and the rest of the girl squad talking to the Pepsi Max girls. Vilde and Sara are talking pretty animatedly, Isak knits his eyebrows, since when are these girls friends? He shrugs it off, he can’t be bothered with their shit, he leans back and his eyes search for Even out there, when he finds him his lips immediately curl up into a smile.

The phone in his pocket pings and Isak pulls it out, he rolls his eyes when he sees it’s a text from Vilde.

 

Vilde: Hey Isak. I just wanted you to ask if it's true that you're gay.


Isak stares at the screen for a few moments, he swallows, is it what the girls are talking about out there? Don’t they have some other shit to talk about than other people’s sexuality? Isak’s pretty annoyed, and he doesn’t want to answer her, but he wants to know where this comes from.

 

Isak: Why are you asking?

 

Isak looks out the window again, watching Vilde typing her answer.

 

Vilde: There’s a rumor going around that you have a thing with Even from third year.

Isak: Who said that?

Vilde: A girl from first year, she heard it from Emma who's friends with his ex-girlfriend.

 

“Fucking Emma.” Isak rolls his eyes, of course Emma is spreading the news, she’s hurt and angry at him, and that’s her payback. He knows he played her, but telling everyone in school that he’s gay, when he isn’t even outed to his friends, is such a dick move.

Isak doesn’t know what to answer, so he lets it be, but he receives another text from Vilde.

 

Vilde: Sorry if it's not true. But if it's true it's pretty awesome :)

 

Isak can’t help but smile, it was nice from Vilde to write this and he appreciates it, though the girl’s pretty annoying. He closes the conversation on his phone, without responding her, before he tells her - and then the whole fucking school will know - he needs to tell Magnus and Mahdi.

 

15:12

“I got a text from Vilde this morning.” Isak says, while he walks along the school halls with Jonas, making their way out there.

“Vilde? What did she want?” Jonas raises his eyebrows, a curious look on his face.

“It seems like the news that I'm having a thing with Even spreads really fast.“ Isak sighs “Did you tell the guys about it?“

“Nei.” Jonas slightly shakes his head “But I can, if you want.”

“Nei, I should tell them myself.” Isak shrugs, but he smiles at Jonas, he really appreciates that Jonas wants to help, but he needs to do this himself.

“Just say it how it is, no stress. You like Even, that's how it is. Done.” Jonas pats Isak shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Yeah I guess.” Isak lightly smiles at his best friend, he really appreciates Jonas’ words, but he’s still nervous as fuck.

“There’s this party on Saturday, we could pregame, maybe you can tell them then.” Jonas suggests and it sounds like a good idea.

“But I can’t host, tho, I’m staying at Malin’s this weekend.” Isak says, looking apologetically at his friend.

Jonas smiles reassuring “We figure something out.”

They stop their conversation as they reach the other two boys at the school yard, sitting on the head of a bench beside each other, waiting for them.

Out of Magnus’ phone is blasting a song and Magnus is dancing to the music, his hair’s wildly waving around.

Isak and Jonas exchange a quick look, Jonas’ shrugs and watches Magnus' ridiculous dancing.

Isak needs to hold back his laughter, he looks at Mahdi and asks “What’s up with him?”

Mahdi just raises his eyebrows and shrugs “It’s Mags.”

Isak nods, yeah that’s probably explanation enough, the boys chuckle and Magnus seems to eventually realize that Isak and Jonas have joined them.

“I found that song, it’s so fucking nice.” Magnus says as the song ended, he looks at Isak and smiles brightly at him. The fucking smile.

“Guys there’s this party on Saturday, can one of you host a pregame?” Jonas asks, he gives Isak a small smile.

“I can host, my parents aren’t home this weekend.” Magnus nods.

“Great.” Jonas says.

“I promise not to get violent again. Sorry, tho.” Isak says to Mahdi.

The other boy smiles at him brightly “It’s all chill, bro.”

“Fyfaen, Isak I heard that ridiculous rumor about you.” Magnus suddenly blurts out, Jonas and Isak look at him with wide eyes, Isak starts to nervously chew on his bottom lip.

“What rumor?” Mahdi asks, ‘cause Jonas and Isak seem to be frozen.

“That you guys fought at that party because Isak's gay.” Magnus chuckles and nudges his shoulder against Mahdi’s.

Isak stays quiet, shit he doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully Mahdi speaks.

“What? No?” the boy knits his eyebrows and looks kinda confused at Magnus.

“Yeah it's hilarious, you really haven't heard it?” Magnus looks at the other three boys, Isak gets more uncomfortable with every passing minute, he slightly shakes his head.

“No I haven't. And it's not hilarious that the whole school thinks I'm homophobic. Do you think that's funny?” Mahdi asks, obviously pretty taken aback about that rumor.

“Nei. But I think it's hilarious that people think Isak's gay.” Magnus barks out a laugh.

Isak can feel his face heating up, yeah it’s fucking hilarious isn’t it? No it isn’t. Isak can feel Jonas eyes on him, but he doesn’t move his head to look at his best friend. He needs to sort the words out, he’s going to say in within the next minute.

“Did you tell them that's not true? And we didn’t even fight.” Mahdi says.

“Chill man, it's just a rumor.” Magnus says and waves him off.

It’s silent for a few seconds between them, Isak looks at Jonas, Jonas slightly nods ‘I got your back.’

Isak takes a deep breath and awkwardly clears his throat before he says “Uhm guys, do you remember Even?”

“Yeah that guy from third year, right?” Magnus asks with one brow raised, Mahdi only nods.

“Yeah… uhm we have a thing.” Isak says, Magnus and Mahdi both look at him with their mouths slightly open.

“Faen, are you gay?” Magnus asks confused.

“I'm not gay. I mean okay I’m a little gay, but's it's not like I'm keen on every guy who's out there.” Isak stutters awkwardly.

Magnus knits his eyebrows and asks confused “But you hook up with chicks every weekend.”

“Maybe he's pan?” Mahdi suggests.

“What's pan?” Magnus asks with knitted brows.

Isak listens their confused talk about pan and bi, and he’s really surprised about their reaction, like, they don’t really give a fuck, who he’s into. Isak feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, he was so afraid of how they would react, he expected something completely different than this, but he’s happy and relieved as fuck that it went that way.

“Okay guys doesn't matter if pan, bi, gay or not, let's get the fuck home.” Jonas interrupts their still ongoing blather.

The boys stand up from the bench, shoulder their backpacks and make their way along the school yard.

“Jesus and I really thought you were secretly dating Linn.” Magnus shoves Isak's shoulder, smiling.

Oh that was the reason for his dump knowing smile all the time.

“Why the hell did you think that?” Isak asks, why did they all think he's having a thing with Linn, Jesus.

“I don't know, saw a few pics on Eskild's Insta, you guys seemed very comfortable with each other, so.” Magnus explains.

Jonas nods, like he's agreeing with him “See, that's why I thought that as well.”

Isak exhales loudly and rolls his eyes “Well, you guys thought very wrong, huh?”

“Yeah, shit.” Magnus lightly laughs and pats Isak shoulder.

Isak chuckles, it feels so great that he finally told them about Even.

“But you know what that means guys?“ Magnus smiles brightly at Jonas and Mahdi.

Both boys shake their heads, Magnus rolls his eyes and goes on “Now that Isak suddenly became gay, we're getting all the chicks.”

Isak barks out a laugh, raises one of his brows and looks at Magnus “Doesn't mean you've got any more game, tho.”

“What the..?" Magnus says puzzled, Jonas and Mahdi join Isak’s laughter.

 

17:02

Isak's sitting in the passenger's seat of Even's car, waiting for the older boy, who forgot his wallet in his room. Isak's nervously playing with his fingers and his eyes are glued at them, the radio's playing silently in the background, but he's not really paying attention to the music.

Why did he agree to this again? Seeing his father after all these long weeks without him – beside their awkward little encounter on Monday – feels like a not doable challenge to Isak right now. And why do they need to meet in a fucking restaurant?

Why can’t his father just come home and talk there with him? Probably Terje’s afraid of Isak’s reaction and to keep him as calm as possible he ordered him to a public place so Isak needs to hold back, so he won't start a fight and make a scene.

Isak exhales loudly, grabs out his phone and starts to look through Facebook and Instagram.

He freezes when the lyrics of the song somehow sneak their way to his awareness.

...I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care any more
And now I try hard to make it…


Isak swallows and quickly tries to click the song away, but in his hurry he hits the wrong button and the song gets even louder, he groans “Shit.”


… Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever...

 

Then he eventually presses the right button and the radio goes silent, he leans his head back and takes a deep breath.

The car door opens and Even gets in the car with a bright smile on his lips “Found it, sorry it took a little longer.”

Isak forces a smile and breaths “It's okay.”

Even starts the car and they make their way to that restaurant, Isak didn't ask Even if he wanted to drive him there, Even just assumed that Isak maybe needs his support, and he was right, Isak just didn't know how to ask him.

“Music?” Even asks, while the drove along the road.

“No.” Isak almost screams, he awkwardly clears his throat and says it again, just a little quieter this time “No, it's fine.”

Even shoots a short confused look at Isak and chuckles “Okay.”
.
They've been sitting in the car for almost 15 minutes now, Isak doesn't want to make his dad wait for him, but he just can't make his body to get out the car.

Fingers are gently brushing over his cheek, Isak turns his head and looks up in blue eyes, so blue, immediately his nerves calm down, at least a little, a smile appears on Even's lips and he asks softly "Should I come in with you?"

Isak swallows, he knows he might seem weak, but he doesn't care right now, he needs Even by his side "You would come with me?"

"Of course, Isak." Even nods, the expression on his face fond and loving.

Isak exhales loudly and slowly nods "Yeah, please." He has the feeling that he’ll need Even in there, he needs him to stay calm, to stay rooted and not snap at his father as soon as he sees him, he needs him to not lose his goddamn mind.

They get out of the car, Isak waits ‘til Even gets around the car and is standing beside him, he takes Even's hand and squeezes it slightly "Thank you, babe."

"Everything for you, Iss." Even leans down a little and places a soft peck on Isak's lips before they walk side by side in the restaurant.

Isak’s hands are clenched to fists, his body is tensed, his heart wildly pounding in his chest, he nervously chews on his bottom lip as his eyes are searching for his dad in the restaurant.

Thank God the restaurant's not very crowded. As Isak's eyes find his father, his stomach drops to the floor and he feels the urge to turn around and run, he was wrong, he can't do this.

Isak turns his head and looks at Even with wide eyes and breaths "He's over there."

Isak nods towards his father and Even's eyes follow Isak’s, his lips slightly part and he nods, and licks his lips before he whispers "Are you ready?"

“Never.” Isak slightly shakes his head, frowning, and somehow he manages to move his muscles, making his way up to his father sitting alone at the table looking at the screen of his phone, he hasn’t noticed Isak and Even yet.

As Terje looks up and his eyes catch his son and the other boy walking up to him, he slowly stands up, he looks pretty nervous and older than he did a few weeks ago, Isak didn't realize that on Monday, probably he was too baffled when they ran into him.

The eyes of his father wander slowly between his son and Even and Isak asks himself if his father does care enough to put two and two together, if he knows Isak even just a little he will understand that Even's not just a friend or a best friend. Isak asks himself if he will realize that Even’s the boy his son loves, before Isak speaks it out. Probably not. He didn't even seem to notice him on Monday.

"Halla." Terjei says, Isak twitches a little, his voice sounds strange, deeper somehow and his smile seems forced. Why the hell is he so fucking nervous? Or maybe Isak’s just imagine it.

"Hei, dad." Isak says quietly, he hates how weak he feels around his father, he feels like a seven year old, Isak clears his throat and stands taller now as he says "Dad, this is Even. My boyfriend."

Terje's eyes widen a little, caught in surprise.

Of course he didn’t see it coming, he doesn't know shit about me, he doesn't even care enough that he realized that.

After a short second he holds his hand out to shake Even's.

"Halla, Mr. Valtersen, nice to meet you." Even says friendly and Isak almost snaps at him that he shouldn't be that fucking friendly to his father.

"Halla, Even, nice to meet you too." Terje says and points at the seats "Please seat down boys."

The two boys do as Isak’s father said and sit down, Isak shifts uncomfortable in his seat.

Even glances at Isak, his fingers gently brushing over Isak’s Are you okay?

Isak looks down at his hand and back up to Even, he smiles a little and slowly nods I'm okay.

He turns his head, and finds his father lightly smiling at him, Terje looks between the two boys and the nervous expression on his face gets softer, his eyes stay on Isak as he asks "So how are you doing, son? How's school?"

"Really? You know, you just could've dropped by at home to ask me this. No need to order me over here." Isak really tries not to spit this words at his father, he really tries.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry, Isak. Uhm the reason I wanted to meet you here was that I want you to meet someone." Terje changes the subject, his voice calm and steady, not even a little affected by Isak’s words.

Isak looks at him with wide eyes. Meet someone? What the hell is going on here? He turns his head to look at Even, but the other boy’s not looking at him, his eyes are pinned at the woman at the other table, who just got up, Even’s lips part slightly and he breaths “Fyfaen.”

His head turns and he looks at Isak, total disbelieve in his eyes, Even’s eyes are scanning Isak’s face. Isak frowns, what is going on here? What’s wrong?

And then Isak eventually realizes, that woman who’s walking up to them, a bright smile on her face, is that someone Terje wants Isak to meet.

No he can't be fucking serious right now? Is he fucking serious? Or is this some kind of sick joke?

Isak's hand clutches at Even's thigh under the table, he needs something to hold on, or else he will probably fall from that chair or flip the fucking table.

He feels that Even's body is as tensed as his, both boys are looking dumbfounded at Terje and that woman beside him, both so shocked Isak doesn’t even know if he’s even breathing.

"Isak, this is Astrid. Astrid this is my son Isak and his boyfriend Even" Terje breaks the ear ringing silence between them.

Isak hearts drops to the floor, for fucks sake that's why he wanted to meet Isak, he wants to ask his goddamn blessing, he wants his son to be okay with his new life and woman.

Oh fuck you.

"Hei." Isak somehow manages to speak out, and Even beside him says the same, his voice sounding irritated. Is he angry?

They sit there for a few breaths in an uncomfortable, awkward silence at the table, Isak and Even eyeing up Astrid.

She looks younger than Terje, not much, but still, and she’s pretty, wearing a black dress and high heels, her hair made up to a perfect bun and as much as Isak can tell she seems mentally healthy.

Isak presses his lips together, and closes his eyes for a moment. He found someone better.

He can feel the tears stinging in his eyes, he blinks a few times, trying to hold them back, he doesn't want to cry in front of his father and this woman.

"Have you visited mom?" Isak presses out, trying to keep his words as steady as possible.

"Isak, of course I did." Terje answers, he looks even a little hurt that Isak thinks he didn't.

"Good, you weren't too busy to do that." Isak says bitterly, he doesn’t know why he said it, he doesn’t want his father to know how hurt he is.

"Son, you could've just said that you wanted me to come by. You didn't answer one of my calls, neither my texts." Terje says, his voice sounds desperate.

"Dad, I've been home alone since two weeks now and you didn't bother to visit me once. As a father you should know that I wanted you to come by, for fucks sake." Isak's voice gets a little louder, Isak's hand still on Even's thigh, Even places his hand on his and squeezes it slightly. I'm here.

Isak squeezes back. I know, thank you .

Terje looks at him as if Isak has grown a second head and Astrid starts to shift nervously in her seat, she seems pretty uncomfortable. Good that you're feeling like that. You deserve it.

Isak's sick of the silence, he held this all in for already so fucking long, now he needs to needs to spill it out "But you didn’t care, and now you want me to care about her?" Isak huffs out a bitter laugh.

"Isak." Terje says sharply, a severe look on his face.

"What? Did you expect me to hug her and welcome her to our fucking family? Fucking hell, mum's in the clinic, she's sick and you fucking left her and searched for someone better. Her." Isak spits and hell he's not finished yet.

He’s not planning to see his father soon again, so he needs to give him some stuff to think about, and hopefully it’s nagging on him the same as it did on Isak himself.

"I was waiting at home, waiting for you to get your shit together and realize that we needed you. That I fucking needed you. Mom was crying every single night, I had to calm her down and sooth her. And in the mean time you had fun with Astrid. I did your fucking job, I took care of her when you decided you couldn't take it anymore. You left your mental ill wife and your 17 year old son. Sorry for being such a burden to you." fuck it feels good to finally throw this all at his father's face, it's even better that Astrid's sitting there, getting to know the real Terje.

"Isak?" he hears Even's voice sounding through his ringing ears.

Isak's head turns to Even and he only realizes that he's crying as Even cups his face and wipes his tears away with his thumbs.

Even takes his eyes off Isak for a second to look at Terje and Astrid, he knits his eyebrows and says “We better go now.”

Isak’s thankful as fuck as Even speaks this words out, he’s really thankful that Even’s went in here with him, that feeling he had before they got inside didn’t deceive him, he knew he would need Even by his side.

He runs the sleeve of his sweater over his eyes before he stands up, Isak turns around and leaves without taking another look at his father and that woman. Someone better.

Even’s walking right beside him, an arm wrapped around his waist, he leads them outside, Isak opens the door of the car and almost jumps in there and lets his body sink in the passengers seat, he’s staring straight ahead, his mind's blank and he feels so exhausted and so so tired.

The door at the other side of the car opens and Even gets in there, he looks at Isak with worried eyes, he sees the question in his eyes, are you okay? , but Even doesn’t ask because he knows Isak’s not okay. Not even a little.

Even starts the car and as soon as they’re on the street he takes Isak’s hand in his and interlaces their fingers, he brings their hands up to his mouth and places a kiss on Isak’s. I’m here.

The drive is silent, none of them speaking a word, no music's filling the car, just the breath of the two boys and Isak could’ve driven like this for another few hours, just him and Even.

Isak feels a tear running down his face and quickly wipes it away, the tears he shed in that damn restaurant were already too fucking much, he doesn’t want to cry ‘cause of his father, there already had been too many fucking tears throughout the last few months, Isak didn’t even think he had any of them left.

Every few seconds Isak can feel Even’s eyes on him, he’s worried, but he hasn’t got to be, Isak’s going to be fine, he always does, whenever someone punches him down, he gets back up and somehow manages to go on, he can do that, he may build the walls around him even thicker and higher, but he’ll survive.

 

****
 

18:37

The car stops and Isak seems to only realize by now that Even didn't drive them home, he drove them to Sognsvann lake.

The other boy looks at Even and smiles, though it's just an attempt of a smile “What are we doing here?”

Even slightly squeezes Isak's hand and says “You told me, that this lake holds you’re favorite spot. Where you go, when you’re sad or when you’re stressed out. So I brought you here.”

“You remember that?” Isak raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“Of course.” Even smiles at him, what's that even for a question, why shouldn't Even remember such an important thing about Isak.

They get out of the car and Even quickly makes his way over to Isak, he wraps his arms around the younger boy and hugs him tightly.

The two boys stand like this for a few moments, Even doesn't let go of Isak, he waits 'til he's ready to let go, he'll hold him as long Isak wants to be hold.

When they let go, Isak's face looks a little brighter, just a little, but it's much better than the sad expression that was drawn on it when they left the restaurant.

The trees around the lake are already wearing red, orange leaves, it's already fall around there, the lake's pretty deserted, there's only a couple with two kids wandering along the path around the lake.

Isak leads Even to his favorite spot, a huge, flate rock that towers over the water, they walk along that rock and sit down at the edge.

Even wraps an arm around Isak's back and quietly says “I’m sorry, Isak.“ and he snuggles the other boy even closer.

“It's not your fault that my dad’s a dick.” Isak sighs “I just thought that maybe this time, one time, it’s about me, you know. It’s always about him. Jesus that sounds so pathetic.”

“No Isak it doesn’t. It's not pathetic to want attention and love from your dad, that’s something totally normal.” Even says and runs his fingers through the curls in Isak's neck.

Even doesn't want to make this about him, but he wants to tell Isak about his dad, maybe the other boy can see that not only his father's not the perfect storybook dad. Even loved his dad with all his heart, but the man wasn't perfect either.

“My father died when I was fourteen, he was sick and… when we lost him, my world shattered. He taught me how to play the guitar, you know. I looked up to him and I was proud that he was my dad.” Even smiles a little, Isak looks at him with curious eyes.

“I know he loved me and my mom with all his heart, but during the last months before he died, he wasn’t around much. We often saw each other for only a few hours before he got away another few weeks. It was hard, and sometimes I got really angry at him ‘cause he was never around for the important things. He wasn’t there when my heart got broken for the first time, he wasn’t there when I got my di… and you know, sometimes I still think he’s just away for a few weeks and will show up again sometime.” Isak's expression turns soft, he places his hand on his cheek and gently caresses it.

“I’m sorry about your dad, Ev.” Isak quietly says.

“It’s okay.” Even smiles reassuring at him, he already made his peace with it, it wasn't his father's fault that he wasn't around much the last couple of months before he died, he was sick, sick like Even is.

“What you did today, that you said these things to your dad, I think it was the right thing to do. I wish I had the courage to tell my dad how I felt back then. Maybe your dad realizes now what he did wrong, maybe he tries to better himself.”

“I doubt that, but we’ll see.” Isak answers, looking down at his hands, picking on the skin around his nails.

Even gently strokes up and down Isak's back, he knows the younger boy doesn't want to speak about his dad anymore, Even knows family stuff isn't easy to talk about, it's not easy to admit to someone else that your family is everything else than perfect, so far from perfect, oh Even can tell a thing or two about it.

It's a few minutes silent between the boys, Isak leans his head against Even's shoulder, both boys look over the lake, it's a beautiful place.

“So you wanna tell me why this is your favorite spot?” Even breaks the silence, and Isak startles a little, obviously he didn’t expect Even to say something.

“Uhm, well, before my parents decided to move in a bigger house, I used to live around here and I used to be here at the lake a lot.” Isak says.

He huffs out a small laugh before he goes on “That one day I came home from school and I was mad because Thorsen stole my lunch, so I went here, sat down and threw some rocks in the water, I felt better, and so I kept coming here.”

“Someone stole your lunch?” Even chuckles “Someone dared to steal your food?”

“You know I wasn’t always the grumpy, snapping bitch I am today. I was actually a pretty nice boy.” Isak shrugs and there's a genuine smile on his lips now, that Even gives right back.

“Hard to imagine.” he huffs out a laugh.

“Asshole.” Isak scoffs, rolls his eyes and nudges his shoulder against Even's.

Even stops his laughter and pulls Isak closer again, he lays his hand on his cheeks and he looks him in the eyes, green locked with blue.

In Isak's eyes there's a spark, Even smiles fondly at him and runs his thumb gently over his cheek as he whispers “You're the sweetest boy.”

The other boy looks at him surprised, his cheeks are colored in a darker shade of pink than usual, he looks adorable.

Even closes the distance between them and kisses Isak.
.
Even's looking out in the distance, a small smile graces his lips, Isak's spot is pretty nice, it's really calming to look at the lake and to throw some rocks in it.

He can feel Isak's glance on him, his smile grows bigger and he turns his head to face the younger boy, Isak doesn't look shyly away, like he used to do, but his cheeks still get a few shades pinker.

Isak swallows and asks quietly “I think I'll visit my mom tomorrow. Uhm maybe.. do you want to come with me?” his voice gets quieter with every following word “I mean you don't have to see her, just...”

Even smiles at him, Isak really wants him to go with him, and Even wants to be there for Isak, he would really do everything for this boy just to see him happy. Though the meeting with his dad today, didn't end like Even has hoped for Isak, he hates it when his boy is hurting and he hopes that his mom's already doing a little better, 'cause he knows how much it'll hurt Isak to see her in a worse condition than she was as she left to the clinic. Even knows this can easily happen, it's not always the easiest to get a person adjusted to the right meds. Even scans Isak's face and says with a little smile "Of course I can come with you."

“Really?” Isak raises one of his brows, it seems like he expected Even to say no and cope out, but Even wants to be there for him, maybe he can help Isak understand some things better when he's with him there.

“Yes.” Even slightly nods.

“Thank you, babe.” Isak leans forward and pecks Even's lips.

“Everything for you, baby.” Even breaths on Isak's lips, wraps his arms around him and pulls him in a warm embrace.

 
****

 

21:21

Isak didn't know what to expect, he had no idea how this would feel like, but he knows now that he didn’t expect it to feel like this, it’s overwhelming and fucking amazing, it slightly scratches the edge of too much, but in a fantastic good way.

Even’s taking good care of him, he takes his time, gives Isak all the time he needs to get used to that new feeling and Isak trusts him, he knows Even's not going to rush this.

The other boy leans down and brushes their lips together, Isak welcomes the kiss and parts his lips for Even.

Even leans his forehead against Isak’s and breathes, his voice’s so deep it sends shivers down Isak’s spine “God, you’re so beautiful like this.”

Isak can’t help but blush, seeing Even so aroused all because of him, heats up his own arousal even more “Another one.” Isak whispers on Even’s lips.

He takes a deep shaky breath and bites down his bottom lip, knowing what's about to come next.

"Relax, baby." Even places another sweet kiss on Isak's lips.

And Isak does, he relaxes and Even does what Isak has asked for, very gently and slow, taking his time, but Isak's starting to get a little impatient, he wants more, he needs more.

Even's looking in his eyes, taking in every change of Isak's expression, his glance is hot and Isak knows Even's as impatient as him, but he holds back, no rush, giving Isak all the time he needs.

When it eventually happens, being connected with Even that way, the feeling’s overwhelming, Isak forgets how to breathe for a few seconds. It stings a little, but it's a good hurt, it will remember him that this actually happened.

Their bodies move in slow synch, Even's thrusts are careful and not too deep.

Whispered words, moans and pants are filling the room and Isak thinks it’s the most beautiful sound his room has ever filled, beside Even’s hearty laugh.

Even’s taking Isak to the edge and beyond, and when they both find their sweet release, Isak feels probably like the happiest person on earth.

Being so close to Even is just breathtakingly amazing and Isak wants to have this for the rest of time, he wants Even for the rest of time.

The other boy’s still towering over Isak, he looks in his blue eyes, so beautifully blue, Even’s chest is rising and falling, his breath a little faster than usual, a thin film of sweat covering his body.

God you’re beautiful.

Isak gently brushes a strain from Even’s forehead, Even’s expression’s a little worried, Isak raises his eyebrows and whispers “What’s going on inside there?” his thumb gently stroking over Even’s forehead.

Even scans his face and asks quietly “Did I hurt you, baby?"

My boy, always so worried.

Isak smiles, cups Even’s face with his hands and pulls him down to kiss him "It was perfect, babe." he breaths on the older boy’s lips.

And it really was, Isak heard so many stories about awful first times, about the embarrassment and the high hopes that weren’t fulfilled, but this here with Even, he couldn’t have asked for it to be any better. 

A blush colors Even's cheeks and he looks at Isak, his expression so loving and tender, Isak almost melts under the other boy's glance, he brushes his fingers gently through Even's hair and whispers "I love you, Even."

And just like that these three words roll of Isak's tongue, like it's the most natural thing in the world and he truly and deeply means it, he loves Even with every fiber of his body.

Chapter Text

Torsdag 00:03

"I love you, Even."
"And I love you, Isak."

The words are still echoing in Isak's mind, the first time he thought about that he actually loved the other boy he was scared, he was terrified what that would mean. But as he spoke out the words and saw the look on Even's face, that loving and fond expression, Isak knew that he didn't need to worry 'cause Even felt the same, but Even said it anyways. I love you.

The words were filling the room and Isak felt his heart in his chest swelling impossibly wide, Isak couldn't remember the last time he felt that amizingly happy.

Even's gently running his fingers through Isak's soft curls as he asks quietly "What's going on in there?"

Isak leans in the touch, closes his eyes for a second and answers “Uhm just...the news about us are already spreading in school.”

Even huffs out a small laugh “I noticed.”

Isak knits his eyebrows and looks questioningly at the other boy, Even strokes with his thumb between Isak's brows, trying to smooth the frown “Some girls from first year were 'whispering' as I walked by and yeah they weren't talking as quiet as they thought.”

“Jesus, don't they have other shit to talk about?” Isak mumbles, why is everyone always that invested in gossip about others, Isak doesn't get the fascination about other people's life, can't they fucking focus on their own shit?

“Apparently when a cute second year and a hot third year are in love with each other everyone's losing their shit.” Even chuckles.

“You're an idiot.” Isak rolls his eyes and licks his lips.

“Your idiot.” Even corrects and smiles brightly at him.

“Right.” Isak smiles back and places a soft peck on Even's lips "Uhm and with all these speculations around I thought it was time to tell Mags and Mahdi about us as well."

Even's smile grows bigger, he runs his thumb over Isak's bottom lip and whispers "Did I already tell you how proud I am of you. Introducing me to your dad as your boyfriend, telling him how you feel about the whole situation and telling your friends about us."

"Shut up." Isak flushes, but there's a smile on his lips, to be honest it really took him a lot of courage to do all these things, but Even's helping him, Even's making him brave.

Even leans his forehead against Isak's and looks him in the eyes, he smiles and whispers "I mean it, baby, you're so brave."

Isak licks his lips and whispers back “You make me brave, babe.”

Even closes the distance between their lips and kisses Isak.

 

15:03

Isak and the boys walk along the school yard to get home, as Isak hears a common voice shouting his name from behind them, he rolls his eyes and exhales loudly “Faen.”

The boys stop their movement and Isak turns around, Vilde's running towards them, as she reaches the boys, she immediatly starts to talk “Hei guys. Isak, I'm sorry I didn't want to be rude.”

Isak feels the glances of his friends on him, but he ignores it, he smiles at Vilde and says “It's okay Vilde.”

Vilde looks a little confused at him, as if she awaited another reaction from him, she clears her throat and her arms are hugging her books a little tighter “So is it...is it true? Is it why you guys had that fight at that party last week?”

He exchanges a quick look with Mahdi and answers “Look Vilde, actually it wasn't a fight, but it doesn't matter, it's none of everyone's business. It's something between Mahdi and me and we already cleared things out, so. You shouldn't believe everything you hear.” Isak says, Mahdi nods to his approval. 

Isak hopes she gets the hint that she should mind her own business and not stick her nose in everyone else's.

“Great, I'm happy that you worked things out.” Vilde smiles at the boys “Sorry again and I didn't believe the rumor of you having a thing with Even from third year. Emma probably just made it up because she's angry at you for ditching her or something.” Vilde chuckles awkwardly.

All four look at Vilde with awkward smiles on their faces, Magnus' lips escapes a little chuckle and Isak wants to tap the back of his head. Vilde looks puzzled between the four boys and blinks a few times "What's so funny? Am I missing something?"

Isak decides to help the poor girl, he huffs out a laugh and says “Emma might be pissed at me, but she didn't make this up.”

“So you and Even?” Vilde's eyes go wide, her voice gets another pitch higher than usual.

Isak shrugs and his lips curl up into a smile, in the corner of his eyes he sees a movement, it's Even he's walking along the yard with some of his schoolmates, he gives Isak a bright smile and he winks at him.

Isak looks back at Vilde, her eyes followed Isak's and it seems like she saw Even's smile and wink as well, at least the look on her face indicates it, her mouth drops open a little and she breaths “Faen.”

Jonas barks out a laugh and pats Isak's shoulder before the turn around and continue their walk, leaving a speechless Vilde behind.

"Shit Isak." Magnus breaths unbelievingly.

"Faen. Gossip factory 0, Isak 1." Mahdi laughs and fist bumps Isak.

“You know that she's gonna tell this the whole fucking school, right?” Jonas says, his bushy brows raised.

“I think a whole bunch already knows about it, Emma did a fucking great job by spreading this.” Isak sighs and gives his best friend a small smile, at least the lying and hiding can stop now.


****

 

16:21

“I'm right outside at the terrace, if you need me okay?” Even says, he lays his hand on Isak's cheek and gently caresses it with his thumb.

“Okay.” Isak breaths, he's nervous as fuck, the nurse said his mom's doing better, but he doesn't know what better means for them, somehow he wishes Even could go with him, but he wants to meet his mom when she's more herself “See you later, then.”

“Yeah.” Even smiles a sweet smile, Isak tiptoes and places a soft kiss on his lips.

.

“An hour.” the nurse said to Isak before she lets him into his mom's room. Isak wants to make a face at her, she seems a little annoyed with him, though he only has been here for about five minutes.

“Yeah okay.” Isak says and swallows the comment he's thinking and says friendly “Thank you.”

Isak walks in the room, his mom's sitting in her bed, her face lights up as soon as she recognizes him “Issy, hei.”

“Mom.” Isak breaths and he quickly walks up to his mother's bed, leaning down and wrapping his arms around her “Mom. Hei. How are you?”

“I'm better, darling.” his mother lightly chuckles, she really chuckles, and hugs him back.
They stay in their embrace for a little while longer, and Isak enjoys every second of it.

When they let go, Isak climbs on his mother's bed and lays down beside her, they barely fit on there but Isak doesn't care, he cuddles closer to her, his mom smiles at him and asks “How are you doing, darling?”

“I'm doing fine, but I miss you.” Isak answers honestly, he really does, he really misses his mom, the house's so awkwardly silent without her.

“Oh honey, I miss you too.” his mom smiles at him, Isak takes in her appearance, she looks so much better, than two weeks ago and a feeling of relief washes over the boy, his mom's doing better.

Isak's sits there for almost an hour and his mother tells him about the days she spent in here, about the people she met, about the women she befriended with, that has the same disease as her - she's a good person to talk to and a good listener - and Isak's happy that his mom found a person in here to talk to, a person that understands how it's like to be and feel like his mother does.

Isak's happy to see his mom smiling again, she looks happier, and somehow he's even proud of her, proud that she's trying, and this time Isak has the feeling she's not going to give up after two weeks again, this time it feels like she finally realized that it's better for her that she's feeling better when she gets the right medication.

Marianne brushes her fingers through Isak's blond curls, it's relaxing and Isak really needs to fight falling asleep by his mother's side.

Isak asks himself if she knows about his dad and that woman, Astrid, he asks himself if he had the guts to tell her. Probably not. Telling himself and his conscience that it's better for her.

Marianne huffs out a little laugh and says "I can hear you thinking, Issy."

Isak turns his head and looks at his mother, he looks in her green eyes, as green as Isak's, so different from the green of his father's eyes.

Can I tell her? She's doing better right? How will she react? Will she throw me out of her room? Will she reject me?

Isak looks away, his eyes pinned to his finger now, he takes a deep breath and whispers "Mom, I fell in love with someone."

"That's lovely, darling." Marianne says and snuggles him a little closer.

"His name is Even. You remember, our neighbor who plays guitar and sings." Isak says, he takes a short sharp breath and ads "I know you might think that it's a sin, but he makes me happy and.."

"Issy, hey.. breath.." his mom stops his babbling, she lifts his chin and smiles at him, the glance in her eyes is soft.

Isak swallows, his mother brushes the back of her hand over his cheek and says "From the first second I saw you on June 21 1999 at 21:21 I have loved you and I always will love you."

"Even if I love a boy?" Isak asks quietly.

"Nothing's gonna change that, Issy, nothing. The most important thing is that you're happy." his mom says, he heard that before from Mal and it meant a lot but this coming from his mom meant the world to Isak.

"I love you, mom." he wraps an arm around her and hugs her, Marianne hugs him back and places kiss on the top of his curls.

A few tears roll down Isak's cheeks, but he doesn't care to wipe them away, he doesn't want to move yet, lying there embracing his mom is just too comfortable.

There's a knock on the door and a nurse stretches her head in, it's a different one she looks friendlier, she even smiles at Isak and his mom, but she doesn't say anything.

Isak knows it's about time to go now, and he knows that he doesn't want to, but he gets up from his mother's bed, he smiles at her and before he eventually leaves her room he hugs her and says goodbye.

As he reaches for the door handle his mother says “Issy?”

Isak turns around and looks at his mom, she has a genuine smile on her face “I love you, never forget that, darling.”

Isak slightly nods and walks out his mother's room, his heart a little lighter than before he went in there, his mom's doing better, and after a long time Isak feels something like a little glimpse of hope that his life can be normal, as normal as it can be at least.

 

****

 

Even's walking out at the terrace, taking in the beautiful view from up here.

He pulls out a cigarette and lights it, he takes a deep puff and exhales the smoke. It's really beautiful up here.

Even leans against the handrail and watches the city, watching the little people down there living their daily life.

He hopes that things with Isak's mom are going fine, after that fiasco with his dad yesterday Isak deserves some good news.

The phone in his pocket pings, he pulls it out to check it, a reminder for his appointment with Dr. Svendsen today.

Even exhales loudly, he totally forgot about that, he runs his fingers through his hair and dials Dr. Svendsen's office number.

“Practice Dr. Svendsen, good afternoon, how can I help you?” his doctor's assistant answers the office phone, Even recognizes it's Anna, a sweet woman in her late fifties.

“Hei Anna, it's Even.” Even says, she's nice and she's always smiling at Even.

“Hei Even, what can I do for you?” Anna asks.

“Uhm I've got an appointment with the doc today, but something came up, something important. Can you postpone it to Monday or Tuesday? That would be great.” Even says, his fingers nervously tapping against the handrail.

“Sure, darling, just a second.” Anna says and Even knows she's searching for his patient file, looking if there a note in there that says that she shouldn't let him postpone his appointments, Even's hoping she won't find something like that.

Anna picks up the handset again and says “Let me just check, if we got a something free these two days. Uhm how about Monday at 17:00?”

“That would be great. You're a gem, Anna, thank you.” Even smiles.

“Oh stop it Even. It was nice to hear you, dear. Have a nice day.” Anna sings in the phone.

“You too. Bye.” Even says before he ends the call.

He feels a little guilty because Dr. Svendsen will probably give her shit for postponing that appointment – the last time Even postponed meetings or canceled them was when he was manic and thought they were nonsense anyways – but he can't bother his brain with that now, and he's going on Monday, so there's no need for Dr. Svendsen to give Anna shit.

 

****


17:37

Isak steps out at the terrace and finds Even around the corner leaned against the handrail, smoking a cigarette.

He walks up to the other boy and leans against the handrail as well, he looks out in the distance and takes a deep breath, the view from here is breathtakingly beautiful.

“How's she doing?” Even asks, breathing out the smoke of his cigarette, scanning Isak's face.

“She's doing better.” Isak smiles, when he came here, he expected something worse, he expected his mom to be in a worse condition, but thank God everything's fine.

Even takes the last drag of his cigarette and stubs it out “That's fantastic, baby.”

He wraps an arm around Isak's waist, snuggling him closer and places a kiss on the top of Isak's head.

“When I came here I was afraid she would do worse.” Isak breaths, he's really really relieved.

“It's good when she's doing better already, seems like they adjusted her meds pretty well. You know sometimes it can take months and sometimes it gets even worse at the beginning.” Even says and takes a deep breath.

Isak raises his eyebrows and turns his head to look at Even “How comes that you know these things about medication?”

“Baby, there's something I need to tell you.” Even says, his eyes are still looking out in the distance, his hand leaves Isak's waist and he lets his head hanging for a few seconds.

“Even?” Isak asks a little confused, what is happening here, why is Even suddenly so sad?

“You remember that I told that my dad wasn't around much the last couple of months before he died?” Even says, running his fingers through his soft hair.

“Yeah, I do.” Isak answers “You said you were upset because he wasn't there for the important things.”

“Mmmh, but you know why I was angry the most?” Even sighs and he goes right on “Because he wasn't there when I got my diagnosis.”

“Diagnosis?” Isak swallows hard, his stomach drops to the ground.

What is Even talking about, is he sick? Oh God no, is he going to die? No that can't be fucking true.

Isak hands are trembling, he looks at Even with knitted eyebrows, the other boy's still looking out in the distance “Even? What...”

“I'm bipolar, Isak.” Even speaks out quietly, and he eventually turns his head to look at Isak, his eyes are teary.

“Bi.. bi.. what?” Isak stutters confused. And shit he sounds like some insensitive douche.

“Bipolar, it's also called manic depression.” Even explains “It's high highs followed by low lows.”

Isak frowns and he swallows hard, he doesn't know how he should handle what Even just said, he scans the other boy's face, this beautiful boy has a broken mind, how could this be true? How can his beautiful boy suffer from a mental illness. It's not fair.

“Oh.” Isak breaths, it's all that comes out of his mouth, and he hates himself for it.

A tear streams down Even's cheek, Isak takes a step forwards and quickly wipes it away with his thumb, he doesn't know what to say, so he just stands there, his thumb gently stroking Even's cheek, looking in Even's eyes. They look so blue and so fucking sad, it breaks Isak's heart but he doesn't know what to say, he has no words. I'm an asshole.

At least the rest of his body seems to function, he wraps his arms around Even and hugs the other boy tightly, Even hugs him back, his hands clutching at Isak's hoodie, Isak hugs him even tighter, wishing he could do more for him, wishing to know what to say.

They stand there for a few minutes, embracing each other, none of them saying a word, Isak's hands gently caressing Even's back.

My beautiful, broken boy. I still love you. You know I'm broken too.

Isak wishes he could say something, something to comfort Even, but he can't, it seems like he lost his fucking ability to speak and he feels so fucking bad that he can't say anything to Even.

He wants the other boy to know, that he still loves him, that this changes nothing, that he'll be there when things get rough, he won't run away, for Even he'll do his best.

Isak feels like put back in time, when he heard his mother's diagnosis, he reacted the same, he was frozen, and he had no fucking clue what to say.

It was pathetic, he was pathetic, there's this beautiful boy standing in front of him, the most precious person he ever met, the boy he loves and Isak can't speak out the words he wants to say, he just can't.

You're beautiful in every way, Even. Broken or whole, I love you. I'm broken too, maybe together we can be whole.

But when Isak opens his mouth, these words don't come out, so he closes it again, he must've looked like a fish on land gasping for air.

"Shall we go home?" Even looks at him with one brow raised, he doesn't look sad or something like that, his expression is blank.

Fuck me, I ruined everything.

They leave the clinic, silently walking side by side, Isak takes Even's hand in his and intertwines their fingers, to show him he's still there, he just needs time to process this, he just needs time to find the ability to speak the words out, he wants to say.

The drive home is silent as well and when they get out the car, Isak looks at him and asks quietly “See you tomorrow then?”

“Okay.” Even nods, and fuck Isak knows that he disappointed him, he fucking knows that his reaction was just so damn awful, he should've said something, he should say something now.

But the words just don't want to come out, no matter how hard Isak tries, the can't find their way over his lips, he looks at Even and says “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Everything for you, baby.” Even smiles sadly, and the words feel like a slap in his fucking face, though Isak knows Even meant the words just like he said them.

Even leaves Isak standing there in the driveway, Isak feels the tears streaming down his cheeks, his view gets blurry and he feels his heart breaking, not because of the other boy but for him.

Isak runs his sleeves over his eyes and whispers “I'm fucking sorry.”

My beautiful, beautiful boy. You're broken, I'm broken and maybe we can help each other becoming whole again. I'm not turning my back on you just give me time, all I need is a little time. Please don't turn your back on me, I know you're disappointed, but please don't give up on me. On us.

 

****

20:27

Even's sitting at the terrace, staring out in the yard, smoking a cigarette - it's already his fourth one - and thinking about his conversation with Isak, okay it wasn't really a conversation, he told Isak about his illness and Isak didn't say anything to it, Even doesn't know if it meant something bad or if Isak just didn't know what to say, if he was just to surprised by that sudden confession.

He pulls out his phone and texts Theo, he promised his friend to let him know when he told Isak.

 

 

Even: Hei.

Theo: Hei.

Even: How are you doin'?

Theo: Even spill it. What's up?

Even: Jeez you know me too well.
I told Isak about my bipolar.

Theo: How did he react?

Even: He said nothing, like literally nothing.

Theo: Oh... did he seem mad?

Even: No he seemed kinda sad? I don't know. It was like he wanted to say something, but didn't find the right words. Ugh, I don't know.
I fucked it up.

Theo: Even chill. Give him time to process what you told him.

Even: You don't think he's gonna leave me?

Theo: Nei. Maybe he said nothing because he was afraid to use the wrong words, words that will hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable.

Even: I hate that you're always so optimistic.

Theo: And you're always too pessimistic. Chill baby, I know it's hard, but he didn't run away or freaked the fuck out, that's a good thing, he just didn't know what to say. I felt the same way, you know.

Even: Uhm actually you cursed like a sailor when I told you.

Theo: Yeah, those were the only words my brain could make up. But I didn't know what else to say.

Even: Oh.

Theo: Don't rack your brain, bro. It'll be fine. ♡

Even:

 

Theo's always that fucking optimistic, sometimes Even hates it, sometimes he wishes Theo would be a little more dramatic, but he's always so down to earth, always seeing the positive sides of everything. It's good that he's that kind of person, Even loves that he always seems to find the right words, always calming his nerves down a little, but sometimes Even wishes Theo would freak a little out with him, just for the fun of it.

Is Theo right? Did Isak just not know what to say?

He didn't run away, that's indead a good thing, he hugged him, that's also a good thing, he took his hand as if he wanted to say 'I'm here' , but what if he only did those things to not break Even.

What if he's never going to talk to me again? What if he's done with me?

Maybe it's better for him, if he gets the fuck away from me, after all I'm just too fucked up, I will end up hurting him and he'll hate me.

Even startles when Ida places a cup with tea in front of him, she lays a hand on his shoulder and softly speaks “Sorry, honey, didn't mean to startle you.”

“Don't worry.” Even lightly smiles at her.

“What's wrong, Ev?” Ida sits down in the chair beside him, she scans his face, in her eyes that worried glance again.

“I was just thinking about dad, you know.” Even lies, okay it's not a total lie, Even was thinking about him as well.

“Dad?” Ida's expression goes soft, and she takes a deep breath “How's that?”

“I don't know. I just miss him, I guess.” Even gives his mom a small smile.

Ida nods, she looks out in the distance, it seems like she's forgetting for a few seconds that she's sitting here with her son.

Even takes a drag from his cigarette and breaths out the smoke “Mom, can I ask you something?”

It takes a second 'til Ida answers Even “Yeah sure, honey.”

“When did dad tell you about his disease?” Even asks, and starts to nervously chew on his bottom lip.

Ida closes her eyes, thinking about Even's question, she opens them again, a smile graces her lips as she asks “Long version or short version?”

“What's that even for a question mom.” Even chuckles “Long version, of course.” Even loves it when his mother's talking about the love she shared with his father, Even thinks it's one of the most romantic stories and like every epic love story it ended tragically.

“Okay, okay.” Ida smiles brightly, grabs the cigarette from Even's fingers and takes a puff before she starts to tell the story.

“It was one of those nights in which your father was out with his friends at the bar I was playing with my band. He was one of maybe fifteen people listening to our music. That night, there was a certain spark in his eyes when he looked at me, and I think that night I realized that I loved him and that he was the man I was going to marry one day.” Ida smiles and she blinks a few times, Even lays his hands on hers and slightly squeezes it.

“When our gig was over, he came backstage and dragged me out the bar, he lead me to an old building near that bar we were playing. We climbed up on that building's roof. The view was amazing - Oslo at night. I took in the view and said 'You know that makes me fall even more in love with you.' He came up to me, wrapped his arms around me and said 'I wouldn't recommend to fall in love with a man who has a broken mind.'” Ida bites down her bottom lip and looks at Even, Even swallows and nods to indicate that she should go on.

“First I didn't know what he meant, I just chuckled, because you know, I really thought he was joking, you know how your father was. But he didn't laugh, he stayed pretty serious and said 'Ida, I'm sick. You must know – I'm bipolar.'” Ida stops there, wiping away a tear.

“Did you ever regret that you didn't end things there? I mean if you had known it from the very start do you think you would've still fallen in love with him?” Even asks, he wants to know this, though his mom's answer would probably hurt, he needs to know if it would've changed anything.

“Nei, I regret not a single second I spent with your dad, Even. He was the love of my life. It wasn't always easy and there were moments were I was ready to give up, some of his episodes were hard, really hard, but we made it through. Your dad was so much more than his disease, you know, he was a wonderful man, who never failed to make me laugh and make me feel loved.” his mother's answers, and she smiles at him.

It's a silent between them for a few breaths, Ida reaches her hand out to caress Even's cheek “Even you have so much in common with your dad, more than this disease, I hope you know that. Bipolar isn't what defines you, you're so much more.”

Even runs his fingers over his eyes, Ida wraps her arms around her son and hugs him tight, and Even lets himself be hold.

When they eventually let go, Ida scans her son's face and Even sees her in her eyes that there's a question she wants to ask, but she doesn't and Even is thankful for it, he doesn't want to talk to her about the fact that he told Isak about his disease after the other boy visited his mentally ill mother.

He knows it wasn't a good idea to tell him then and there, he always wanted to wait for the right moment, but the words suddenly bubbled out of him and he couldn't hold them back, it felt like now or never. Even knows he's an idiot. Isak was so relieved that his mother was doing better and then Even dropped the bipolar bomb, what kind of insensitive douche does that? I'm a fucking idiot.

Even leaves for his room, it seems like his guitar is looking at him reproachfully, he takes a deep breath, but decides not to play on it today, the songs he wants to play would only make his mom worried and he doesn't want that. She doesn't need to be even more worried about him.

So he switches off the light, lays down in his bed, stares at the ceiling and waits for sleep to take over his body. But he stays awake all night.

Fuck me, I ruined everything.

 

****

Fredag 1:13

This night Isak can't sleep, not even for a second, he just lays in his bed, his eyes fixed at the ceiling, window open, hoping to hear Even playing, but the night stays silent.

I broke his heart, I broke him even more than he already is. I'm a fucking coward.

Isak grabs his phone from his nightstand and checks the time, okay it's only 1:13, he gets up from the bed and walks to his window, looking at the other house, there's still light in Even's room.

Isak opens the conversation with Even and quickly types a message.

 

 

Isak: Are you awake? Can we talk?


He stares at the screen for a few minutes, waiting for the bubbles to show up, indicating that Even's typing an answers.

Isak takes a deep breath, puts the phone aside and waits for an answer, almost the whole night, but it doesn't come.

He'll never forgive me, how I reacted. I'm a fucking asshole.

Chapter Text

Fredag 07:03

Even blinks his eyes open again and takes a deep breath, a whole night without sleeping and he's still not tired, he should know that this is not a good sign, he should know what that means, but he puts that thought aside, he just has a lot on his mind, nothing to be worried about.

He grabs the phone from his nightstand and to his surprise he got a text from Isak, Even inhales shakily before he opens it, he's afraid what Isak might've texted him.

 

Isak: Are you awake? Can we talk?

 

Even stares at the screen, he doesn't know if he should reply, it's too late to reply anyway, isn't it?

What does this text even mean? Does he want to end this or does he just want to talk?

He gets up from his bed, walks up to the French window and opens it, he steps out there and leans against the handrail. His eyes wander out in the distance and he takes a deep breath, the morning air is chill and it kinda smells like rain.

Even gets back in his room to grab his guitar and walks back out on the balcony, he sits down at the tiled floor and places the guitar in his lap.

His fingers slowly stroke over the strains of the guitar, Even exhales loudly before he starts to play the song and sing along.

 

...Say anything but goodbye
We've climbed up this high

I don't want to lose you, darling
This can't be the end
Hanging by a thread
Right over the edge
Promise me you're gonna hold on
Don't give up on me right now
And please just don't look down

 

Even takes a deep breath and wipes the tears away that are rolling down his cheeks.

This can't be the end.


****


Isak lays in his bed and stares the ceiling, he barely slept that night, he was waiting for Even to answer his text, but he still hasn't got an answer from the other boy. He's thinking about skipping school today 'cause he doesn't know what he should do if he runs into the older boy in the school halls.

You can't fuck up the 10% just because you're scared of running into him, you can't avoid him forever anyways.

Maybe Even is giving him time, time to process, time to think. But Isak's done with thinking and processing, he loves Even and he wants to be with him, bipolar or not.

Isak sighs, runs his fingers through his curls and lifts his body up from the bed, he walks up to one of the windows and swings it open, maybe some fresh air might help to wake up his tired body a little.

Isak shuffles to his wardrobe, grabs out some clothes and puts them on and stuffs the things for school in his backpack and shoulders it. He stands in his room for a second, undecided, he doesn't know if he should take the things he needs for the weekend at Malin's already with him or if he should come here again after school.

He startles as he hears the well known sound of Even's guitar and the other boy's voice, Isak's eyes immediately start to fill with tears.

Maybe this is the answer to my text. Maybe, just maybe, he's singing this for me.

Isak drops the backpack to the floor and stands beside the window, back leaned against the wall and listening to Even.

 

… I don't want to lose you, darling
This can't be the end
Hanging by a thread
Right over the edge
Promise me you're gonna hold on
Don't give up on me right now
And please just don't look down

Say anything but goodbye
We've climbed up this high...

 

As the songs ends Isak closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, he presses his palms against his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling down.

I'm not giving up on you, babe. I'm gonna hold on. Everything for you.

 

11:07

Isak's sitting in Biology class, tapping his pen against his notebook and staring out the window.

He's tired and he can't concentrate, his mind circling around Even, circling around the song he sang this morning.

'Promise me you're gonna hold on. Don't give up on me right now.'

In between the first two classes he didn't search for the other boy in the school halls, 'cause he didn't expect Even to be in school in the first place.

"Hello? Earth to Isak." Isak's train of thoughts gets interrupted by Sana snipping her fingers in front of his face, Isak turns his head and he meets her brown eyes.

"Sorry.. got lost in thoughts." Isak awkwardly clears his throat.

"Did you even sleep last night? No offense but you look awful." Sana's scanning Isak's face and she raises one of her brows.

Isak knows he looks like shit today, his eyes lightly blood shot and light dark circles under his eyes, he barely managed to look in the mirror this morning. He runs his fingers through his messy hair and exhales loudly "No, not really. Sorry, what were you saying?"

The look on her face softens a little and she slightly nods, though she looks like she wants to ask what's wrong, she doesn't. Fortunately she knows Isak already well enough to know that he doesn't want to talk about it.

They continue the little quiz they got from their teacher and Isak's more or less useless today, he just agrees with Sana on every answer, 'cause he can't focus on this stuff right now, his brain's too occupied with other stuff.

If Sana's annoyed, which she's quite often with him, she doesn't show it and she doesn't ask any personal questions anymore today. That's one thing he loves about Sana, though she knows that something's going on, she can tell when people are not ready or not willing to share and she lets it be, she doesn't push.

.

Lørdag 16:48

Isak's sitting on the bed in Malin's tiny guest room, he doesn't care that it's as small as a wall cabinet, he only needs to sleep in here and it's only for two days so it's perfectly okay.

Not much has changed since Isak moved away with his parents from this neighborhood, except that Malin's boyfriend from then doesn't live with them anymore, he went back to Stockholm and the house Isak lived in with his parents now belongs to an elderly couple, which doesn't get many visits from its children or grandchildren, at least that's what Malin says.

Malin's home feels like a safe haven he can run to when things get too difficult, when things get out of hand. As soon as Isak entered the house yesterday it felt like coming home, though this wasn't his actual home, but it feels like family when he's with his aunt and his little cousin.

Something that he missed the last couple of months at his actual home – since his dad left and his mom's got worse – but Isak knows now that his mom's doing better they can be a family, just the two of them and, if Isak hasn't fucked it up too badly, Even could be part of his family too.

They haven't spoken since then, Isak just saw him in school, and he was smiling at him, smiling is a good sign, right? And yesterday morning Even sang a song, telling Isak to hold on and not to give up on him, and Isak will do that, because he loves Even.

Malin knocks at the door frame and Isak startles a little, he didn't hear her coming, he was too occupied with his thoughts, he looks at her smiling face and she asks "Hey Issy, you want some coffee and cake?"

"Sure." Isak nods and gets up from the bed, two weeks with Malin and he would roll out of her house, she's taking good care of him and probably she wants to worm some things out of him with coffee and delicious cake.

They walk down the hall to the living room and Isak sits down out at the terrace, it's a beautiful autumn day, Malin follows a few minutes after with two mugs filled with hot steaming coffee and two plates with cake.

Malin takes her mug, reaches it to her mouth and blows lightly before she takes a careful sip, never letting her eyes off of Isak.

Isak knows that she wants to know why he's acting a little weird, why he's so quiet and why he has that dark circles under his eyes. And Isak's willing to share, he really needs to talk to someone about it, though Malin will probably give him shit.

Malin seems to be pretty impatient 'cause before Isak can say anything she asks "Isak, honey, why the long face?"

Isak takes a sip of his coffee and a bite from the actual really delicious cake and he blurts straightforwardly "Even's sick. He's bipolar."

"Oh..." she says, taking a bite from her piece of cake “Did you guys fight because of that? Are you pissed at him because he didn't tell you earlier?”

"I'm not pissed at him and we didn't fight." Isak clarifies, he takes a deep breath and adds quietly “I couldn't say anything when he told me about it. It was like I lost my ability to speak. The words were all in my head, but they didn't want to roll over my lips.” Isak sighs deeply.

“You were taken aback, Is. I would've been too and I bet he understands it. When I heard the news about your mum, I needed to sit down and I didn't know what to say as well. I was speechless. Me.” Malin smiles reassuring at her nephew “He's going to forgive you.”

"What makes you so sure about that, huh?" Isak raises his brows.

"I already told you – the way he's looking at you, says it all." Malin sings before she stuffs another piece of cake in her mouth.

And Isak smiles, and it's an honest smile, a real smile. Maybe his aunt is right. Maybe everything's going to be fine.

He licks his lips and says "I told mum about him, you know."

His aunt smiles at him "I know, Marianne already told me yesterday. She's really proud of you, Is." Malin lays her hand on Isak's.

"She told you about it?" Isak asks disbelievingly.

"Yeah, she couldn't stop talking about how brave you are." Malin beams at him, and the smile on Isak's lips grows wider, his mom's proud of him and she thinks that he's brave.

Isak can feel his heart swelling in his chest, he never thought that his mom would be proud of him.

The doorbell rings and Isak knits his eyebrows, Malin looks at him and says "Are you expecting someone?"

"No?" Isak slowly shakes his head, a frown on his forehead.

Or could it be that this is Even? No, not in a million years is this Even.

"Hmm interesting, me neither." she says while she gets up and walks to the front door.

Isak listens if he can hear, who's at the door but he can't hear shit because Mia's playing some stupid kids song too loud in her room.

Malin walks back out the terrace with a big grin on her lips and she whispers "See, told you so."

Isak looks questioningly at her and then he sees what she means, Even's following a few steps behind her.

What the hell?

The mug almost slips out of his hands, he blinks a few times to make sure he's not only imagine this.

"Halla." Even smiles at him, he smiles his brightest smile. That's a good sign, right?

Isak awkwardly clears his throat and stumbles "Hei." His voice sounds as surprised as he feels.

"Uhm Mia's music is way too loud, I go and tell her to shut it down a little." Malin says before she leaves the two boys alone.

Isak places the mug in his hand on the table and stands up, he scans Even's face before he asks "What are you doing here?"

Even's smile fades a little, oh shit, he didn't mean it like that "I'm here to spend time with you and Mia."

Isak's lips curl up into a light smile, he came, he's really here, he remembered.

Isak wants to apologize but as he wants to open his mouth, Mia comes running towards them and screams "Even, you're finally here. Maybe you can cheer Isak up a little, he's been pretty grumpy the last two days."

Even huffs out a little laugh and says "Hei Mia. I can try." he looks at Isak, and there's a sadness in his blue eyes that breaks Isak's heart.

I'm sorry babe, I'm really fucking sorry.

Mia takes Even's hand and leads him back in the house, she's babbling what they can do today.

Isak's standing outside at the terrace for few seconds, he still can't believe that Even still came, though it's kinda awkward between them right now. Isak takes his mug from the table, downs the last sip of his coffee and follows Even and Mia in the house.

I gotta fix this.

 

They walk along the path that leads them around the lake, it was Mia's idea to go there, 'cause she wants to let the little boat, she made this morning, float on the lake.

Isak and Even walk beside each other, none of them seem to know what to say so they're quiet, only talking when Mia asks them something.

Isak looks at Even a few times, he seems lost in thoughts, it seems like he's searching for words to speak as well, but he doesn't find them. Isak takes a deep breath before he takes Even's hand and intertwines their fingers.

Isak can feel that Even's body tenses a little and for a second he's scared the other will take his hand away, but Even looks down at their interlaced fingers and back to Isak's face and Isak gives him a genuine smile, Even mirrors it and Isak can feel the other boy's body relax again.

It's going to be okay.

After a few minutes of walking around the lake, Mia has found the perfect place to let her boat float in the lake.

Isak brings a little distance between him and the other two, he throws some rocks in the water.

Why the hell is it so fucking difficult to speak the words out he has in mind? Why the hell can't he just say that I'm fucking sorry and that I love him, bipolar or not?

He watches Even and Mia, his little cousin gently let's the boat glide in the water and she smiles brightly at Even, and Even mirrors her smile.

You're precious. Please don't let this end.

They look so happy and Isak, he's angry with himself 'cause he can't really enjoy this here, 'cause he's a fucking coward and can't say out loud the things he has on his mind, 'cause Even deserves someone better, 'cause he hurt the other boy and probably does even more with every passing minute.


****


They walk back to Malin's house, Mia's talking non stop, the flood of words coming out of her mouth seems to have no end. It's almost like she can feel the awkwardness between Isak and Even as well and she's trying to prevent it from getting even more uncomfortable.

It's kinda sweet, but not very helpful, Even hoped he could talk to Isak today, talk how things are continuing, if Isak's even interested in continuing this or if he wants to end things with him.

Please don't end this.

The whole time Even's trying to put the words, he wants to say, together in his head, but they never leave his lips, he's just too scared that Isak will reject him, he's too scared to say them wrong.

He took your hand earlier, that means something, he won't take your hand if he's planning to end this. But what if he only did this because he felt pity for me and just wanted to comfort me? No Isak would never be that cruel.

Even takes a look at Isak, he's staring out in the distance, his green eyes look sad, and Isak looks tired. Even hates it that he's the reason for this sadness and probably for the other boy's sleepless nights as well.

When they arrive at the house, Malin's already waiting with a deliciously smelling dinner for them.

Isak looks at Even and asks "You're joining us, right?"

"I'd love to." Even smiles at him and Isak does too, and it looks like an honest smile, Isak's really happy that Even stays for dinner.

They sit down at the kitchen table and Malin serves the food. She's asking a lot of questions, but Even doesn't bother, he answers all of them friendly, he likes Isak's aunt, she's a friendly, outgoing woman, and she loves Isak as much as he does.

Isak's a little quiet during dinner, he's more concentrating on his little cousin, he listens to her stories about school and her little friends and helping her with cutting her food. It's always heartwarming to see Isak interacting with Mia, he's treating her like a little sister.

"Did you know that Isak lived in the house right next to us when he was little?" Malin asks with a small smile on her lips.

"Really? No, he just said that he used to live around here." Even smiles at her. That explains why they are so close, sure they are family and stuff, but Malin seems more like a second mum for Isak than an aunt, not that it's bad, it's actually lovely and Even knows that Isak probably needs this, 'cause he knows himself how it is to live with a mental ill parent.

"I didn't tell you?" Isak turns his attention to Even and Malin.

“No you just told me about those kids who stole your lunch.” Even grins at Isak.

Isak rolls his eyes and blushes a little, but there's a little smile gracing his lips.

Malin huffs out a laugh "You know Even, he was a really charming kid, he used to come here after school almost every day, complimenting me and being cute so he would get some chocolate or some cake." Malin chuckles at the memory.

"Hey, it wasn't just because of the sweets, I really meant those things I said." Isak pouts and then he ads with a grin "At least sometimes."

Malin sends him a knowing wink, Even watches the scene between aunt and nephew and smiles to himself, seeing Isak interacting with his family – except his father understandably – does something to Even's heart, when Isak's with his family he's different than when he's around his friends, he's softer, more himself – the same when he's with Even. He's just Isak. Even's Isak.

When they've finished the dinner Malin goes outside at the terrace to have a smoke, Mia leaves for her room, saying there's an important kids show she needs to watch. Even and Isak are alone in the kitchen, taking care of the dishes.

"What are your plans for tonight?" Even asks while reaching Isak the plates to put them in the dishwasher.

"They guys are having a pregame at Magnus' and then there's this party at Oliver's or whatever this guy's name is." Isak says nonchalantly, taking a plate from Even's hand.

"Cool, so we're seeing each other there then. Theo talked me into going there as well." Even smiles at him.

Jesus why the hell is this so awkward. There are so many unsaid and unasked things between them, things that need to be said, questions that need to be asked.

Are you still in for this? Do you still want to be with me? Are you mad at me, for not mentioning my disorder earlier? I'll try me best for you. I love you.

"Yeah." Isak smiles as well, and Even wants to kiss him, but he doesn't know if Isak wants to kiss him too.

They're done with the dishes as Isak says "Uhm could you give me a ride to Magnus?"

“Yeah sure.” Even slightly nods.

Isak walks in the living room, Even follows him, Malin looks up from the book in her hands with raised eyebrows and a little smirk on her lips, but she doesn't say anything.

Isak rolls his eyes and says "Uhm I'm leaving for that party now. Is that still okay?"

"Of course, Issy. What's that even for a question?" Malin chuckles and she adds, this time a little more serious "But please come back okay? And be quiet so you don't wake up Mia."

"Okay." Isak nods and smiles at her.

Even watches the two of them again, Malin's a cool aunt, but Even thinks that beneath all that coolness is still somewhere a little glimpse that's worried that Isak's leaving for that party tonight. And probably when he comes back, she will be waiting for him and acting as if she fell asleep on the couch. Even smiles at this thought.

They walk up to Mia's bedroom and Isak peeks in there “Hey there, little one. I'm heading out now.” He steps in her room and walks up to her, Mia smiles at him and he mirrors her smile “Good night, pumpkin.”

“Good night, Issy.” the little girl smiles and wraps her arms around Isak, and Isak leans down and places a kiss on her blond curls.

Even's leaned against the door frame, he smiles brightly at the little girl “Bye, Mia.”

Mia gives him a bright smile as well as she says “Bye, Even.”

They say their goodbyes to Malin and walk out the front door.

The drive to Magnus is silent, but this time it's a more comfortable silence, though there are so many unspoken words between them, though they really need to talk none of boys finds the courage to speak.

When Even stops the car at Magnus' house, Isak has his head turned to look at him, there's a light smile on his face, and Even mirrors it.

I love you. So fucking much.

Isak lays on of his hands on Even's face, his thumb gently caressing Even's cheek, and Even leans in the touch, he lays his hand on Isak and lightly squeezes it before he brings it to his lips and places a soft kiss on it.

Isak gets out of the car and Even does as well, he walks around the vehicle and this time he doesn't think about it twice, he wraps his arms around Isak and hugs him close 'cause Even needs this right now, and Isak, probably Isak does too.

First it seems like Isak doesn't know what to do, but a few seconds later he hugs Even back, pressing their bodies even tighter against each other and Even can feel the other boy's smiling against the skin of his neck.

I missed you.

They stand like this a long time, Even enjoys every second of Isak in his arms and he doesn't know why but it feels like it's going to be the last hug for quite a while.

Even brushes his fingers over Isak's curls and places a kiss on his forehead as they let go of each other.

“See you later then?” Isak asks, his green eyes looking into Even's blue ones.

Even caresses Isak's cheek with the back of his hand and smiles “See you later.”

He waits there, leaned against the car and watches Isak walking towards the house, before the younger boy disappears in the house, he turns around and gives Even a beautiful smile and Even mirrors it.

God, I love you. Maybe I should let you go. Maybe it's better for you.

Even gets in the car, but it takes a little 'til he starts the engine and drives away.

 

21:43

Theo talked Even into going to this party, as he did so many times, Even's not really in the mood for party, he's still all churned up inside. He's still not sure, how things with him and Isak are, if there's even still an Isak and Even or if he ruined everything.

Some of his ideas work better in his head than in reality, when he got to Malin this afternoon, Even thought they would spent a nice few hours together, he didn't thought that in these hours Mia will be the one who was talking the most. Probably he should've given Isak some time to process that whole bipolar shit, some time to think.

Every time it's the same, Even wants too much, too fast, always asking for too much from others, he really needs to learn to slow things down, to hold back, to stop hurting people he loves.

He's sitting there at the edge of a couch, Theo lightly leaned against his side, his friend's talking to the guy who's hosting this party, Oliver or something, Even's not listening to their conversation, he's too busy with his own train of thought.

The phone in his pocket starts to vibrate, he quickly pulls it out, he knits his eyebrows as he sees it's his mom.

Even gets up from the couch and makes his way to search for a quiet place, he opens the door to the first room he finds, which is obviously the bedroom of someone, but he doesn't care in this moment, he needs to take this call from his mom.

He closes the door behind him and takes the call “Mom?”

“Ev? He's here. I mean his car is parked in the parking garage not wide from mine.” Ida breaths in the phone, she sounds scared.

“Shit.” Even breaths, he hasn't told his mom that Frederik called on Wednesday, he didn't tell her that he talked to him, he totally forgot to do so “Is he there? Did you see him? Where are you now?”

“No. It's just his car, there's no one in it and no one's around. At least I didn't see anyone. I'm back in the hospital, I was just out there because I forget something in the car.” Ida says, her voice still a little shaky.

Even takes a breath, okay his mom's fine, just a little shocked, nothing happened yet “Mom there's something I need to tell you. Fred called on Wednesday and I spoke to him.”

“Oh Ev, honey, you shouldn't have talked to him, you know how he is.” Ida breaths and she sounds like she's on the verge of tears.

Fuck can't I do anything right? Why do I have to fuck things up every single time?

“I know, I'm sorry. Please stay at the hospital. I'll take care of this, okay?” Even says and before he can hear his mother protesting he hangs up.

He stares at the screen for a few minutes before he eventually opens the conversation with Isak and quickly types a text.

 

****

 

The boys are in a good mood, they found a bedroom and locked them inside to smoke some weed, they're talking some girls they met at a party and Isak listens to them, not really attending their conversation, his mind's circling around Even.

This afternoon was strange, wasn't it? Why didn't Even say anything? Why didn't I say anything? Is he trying to push me away? Why did our hug feel strange as well? Was it a goodbye? Fuck.

Jonas and Isak are sitting on the bed, backs leaned against the headboard and legs sprawled out, Magnus and Mahdi are sitting on the floor, backs leaned against the bed.

Jonas nudges his shoulder against Isak's “What's up?”

“Nothing, I guess.” Isak shrugs and takes the blunt from the other boy's fingers.

“How are things with Even?” Jonas asks, okay so he noticed that something's bothering Isak.

Isak takes a drag and exhales the smoke “It's a little complicated lately. He acted kinda strange when he came by at Malin's earlier.”

“He already met Malin and Mia?” Jonas asks with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah, actually it was already the second time.” Isak blushes a little, because he knows that Jonas knows that this is actually a big thing.

Magnus turns his head and asks “Are you talking about Even?”

Isak nods and reaches the blunt down to the other boy.

Mahdi turns his body around, leans his head on his hands on the bed and asks “How’s it going between you two?”

“It's a little weird at the moment.” Isak answers honestly and shrugs, he's not really in the mood to talk about this now.

Mahdi only nods, he seems to sense that Isak doesn't want to talk about this right now, 'cause he doesn't ask any further.

It's a few seconds silent in the room, Magnus takes a puff from the blunt and knits his eyebrows, he looks at Isak “Can I ask you something, Is?”

“Sure, go on.” Isak says, slightly smiling at the boy, oh the weed's showing his effect already.

“Sorry if it's rude, but when two guys have sex. who's the man and who's the woman?” Magnus asks, with a childish curiosity in his eyes.

“The fuck, Mags.” Jonas breathes and buries his face in his hands.

“Jesus.” Mahdi rolls his eyes and taps the back of Magnus' head.

“What?” Magnus asks innocently, rubbing his hand over the spot where Mahdi hit him.

Isak almost barks out a laugh, 'cause he knew from the beginning that Magnus would ask one of his stupid questions.

“Funny that you ask, 'cause I was wondering the same thing about when you have sex. Like who's the man and who's the woman.” Isak chuckles, and winks at Magnus.

Magnus pouts and rolls his eyes “Faen.”

Mahdi barks out a laugh, Jonas looks at Isak with an open mouth and Isak can't help but add “But then I remembered that you don't have sex.”

Isak takes the blunt from Magnus fingers with a smug grin on his face.

“Shit, Is, where did that come from?” Jonas asks during his laughter.

Isak raises one of his eyebrows, shrugs and takes another drag.

“That was a fucking stab in the heart.” Mahdi laughs and takes the joint Isak reaches him.

“It wasn't that bad of a question, was it? I was just seriously wondering, but okay..” Magnus says quietly.

Isak gives him a apologetically smile and slightly shakes his head “It's okay, Mags. Sorry, tho.”

Jonas looks at Isak “Uhm what do you mean with strange, did something happen?”

Ugh he knew Jonas would ask, unfortunately this little banter didn't divert the attention from the topic they were talking about earlier.

“Uhm he told me something personal and I didn't know what to fucking say. I don't know he was just acting strange, actually we both were, or maybe I'm just over dramatizing and overthinking things.”

“Why don't you ask him straight up what's wrong? 'Yo dude, what’s up, why are you acting strange?'.” Jonas says. And for a second Isak doesn't know if his best friend means this serious or not.

“'Yo dude what’s up, why are you acting strange?'” Isak lightly laughs at Jonas' choice of words and the other two boys join Isak's laughter.

“Jeez, not exactly like that.“ Jonas shoves Isak a little and laughs.

Isak knows that Jonas is right, they need to talk, they can't avoid to talk forever.

“Yeah. I can try this.” Isak nods and in this right moment the phones in his pocket pings.

He pulls it out and unlocks the screen, a text from Even.

 

Even: Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I need to leave. Something came up. See you tomorrow?

 

Isak frowns as he reads the message.

What the hell? What's going on?

“Shit. I gotta go.” Isak says while getting up from the bed, the boys shoot puzzled looks at him and he says “I'll explain it later, okay? I gotta go find Even.”

“Oh can we meet Even?” Magnus shouts excited with shiny eyes.

“No, not tonight.” Isak says and slips out the room.

He heads down stairs, his eyes searching the crowd for Even, he feels a little dizzy 'cause of the weed, but he tries to focus as best as he can.

“Fuck.” Isak breaths, because he can't find him, Isak decides to get out of the house, hopefully he will find the older boy out there.

He steps out the front door and looks around, no Even in sight, but thankfully the fresh air is sobering him up a bit.

Isak walks along the front yard, his eyes desperately searching for Even, and when they find him, Isak exhales relieved, Even seems to look for something over there.

He gets to the other boy with a few long strides “Even?” Isak asks as soon as he's close enough.

Even startles and he turns around, he relaxes as he sees it's Isak who's talking to him, Isak takes the last steps towards him “What's wrong?”

“He's there, at the hospital. He's waiting for mum again.” Even answers, standing there and looking completely lost, his arms hanging loosely by his side.

“Shit. Wait, again?” Isak breaths, he didn't know that this whole thing with Ida's ex was that serious. Isak thought Even just didn't like him, because he was an asshole and stuff, but it seems like this ex is kind of dangerous.

“Yeah he did that two or three times already.” Even says, looking in Isak's eyes and there's fear, pure fear in them.

“Should we call the police?” Isak asks, because he doesn't know what else they should do.

“No. They won't understand this.” Even says, slightly shaking his head “I need to go, Isak.” and there's something in Even's eyes, Isak can't quite tell what it is, but Even looks full of zest for action.

Even turns around and his head turns another few times left and right, like he's searching for something.

Isak looks at him with one brow raised “Even, what are you looking for?”

“I need a bike, I can't run all the way to the hospital, it will take me too long.” Even says without looking at Isak.

“You want to steal someone's bike?” Isak scoffs.

“I don't want to steal it, I want to borrow it, I bring it back.” Even turns his head to look at Isak, a dark shine in his pale blue eyes.

What the hell is going on here? Is he losing his shit? Is he manic?

“Even I don't think that's a good idea. What do you even want to do?” Isak says, he's getting more and more nervous with every passing minute, he takes the snapback from his head and runs his fingers through his hair. Shit he can't let Even go alone there, probably he's planning to do something stupid.

Even eventually finds a bike that's not locked, he swings one of his feet over it and sits down on the bike saddle, he looks kinda surprised as Isak takes a step towards the bike and climbs on the pannier rack.

“What? Did you think I was gonna let you go alone?” Isak asks with his eyebrows raised.

Even doesn't say anything, but Isak can see that he wants to tell him that he needs to stay here, but apparently the look on Isak's face is enough to tell Even that Isak's not gonna let him go alone, no matter what he says.

Even takes a deep breath and starts to pedal, it's a little wobbly in the beginning but they find their balance quite quick.

They ride along the street, first Isak holds on the rack but then he wraps his arms around Even's stomach, he hugs the other boy from behind as tight as he can.

I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

 

****

 

Even wanted to tell Isak that he should've stayed there at the party, he doesn't want to drag him into some shit, he doesn't want him to get involved in his shit, but that look on Isak's face was enough to tell Even, that no matter he was going to say Isak would come with him anyways, so Even didn't say anything.

Maybe it's good that Isak will see how Even can be, maybe it's good for Isak to realize that Even's not good for him, that he's better off without him.

The way to the hospital is not that wide, but it's still exhausting to keep the balance on the bike, though Even only had one beer at the party.

He almost lets go of the handlebars when Isak wraps his arms around his stomach and hugs him tightly from behind.

He's here. He's here. He's here.

Even can't stop his lips from curling up into a wide smile and his heart from skipping a beat, though he knows it's a bad idea that Isak's here with him, and he should better stop and tell him to get away from him before it's too late, before he will go down with him.

But his heart, his silly, stupid, childish heart wants to hold on on this as longs as it can.

'I love you, Even. And I love you, Isak.'

It feels like these words were said quite a while ago, though it had been this week, but it seems like these words were said in a different time, in a different universe.

Isak said those words without knowing that Even's sick, when he would've known he wouldn't have said them, he wouldn't have fallen in love with him in the first place, but the mess is done. And it's all Even's fault.

You don't deserve him. You'll hurt him. You ruin everything and everyone around you.

Even presses his eyes shut for a second, to get rid of these thoughts, causing him and Isak almost to fall with the bike, but he quickly finds their balance again, he turns his head a little and apologizes “Sorry.”

Isak lightly shakes his head and says “Shit. Are you trying to kill us?”

And Even laughs, he laughs 'cause he loves that Isak's always dramatizing things, he laughs because Isak felt scared and all Even feels is the love for the other boy and pure adrenaline rushing through his body.

And Isak, Isak joins his laughter and hugs Even even tighter, his chest pressing against Even's back.

If Even wasn't on kind of a mission he would ride forever like this, with Isak's arms tightly wrapped around him, he would ride them to the end of the world and beyond, but first there's something he needs to take care of.

 

****

 

As they reach the hospital and get of the bike, Isak can't shake the feeling off that something's bad is going to happen.

Even walks towards the parking garage with quick, enthusiastic steps, Isak can barely keep in step with him.

They reach the third level of the garage and Isak finally catches up with the other boy, he reaches for his arm and grabs it, making the other boy stop his steps.

Even turns to Isak and looks at him with a questioningly look on his face, Isak scans his face and asks “What are we doing here?”

“I put my plan into action.” Even shrugs and continues his steps, and he only stops in front of a black car.

Isak's standing beside him, helplessly waiting for Even to say what his plan is, but Even doesn't say anything, he pulls his keys out of his pocket and before Isak can stop him, Even has already keyed that car.

“The fuck, Even? You can't do this, stop.” Isak shrieks and takes a step towards Even, grabbing the keys out of Even's hand.

Even glances at him “That's my fucking business, okay? Give me the key back, I'm not done yet.”

Isak stares at him with wide eyes, and he doesn't know what to do, he's like frozen, Even grabs his keys back and keys the car again and again.

“Even, are you crazy, stop this shit.” Isak suddenly screams, and as soon as these words are out of his mouth he knows he should've worded this different.

Shit, I really need to learn to think before I fucking speak.

“Yeah that's exactly the point Isak, I'm crazy, I'm insane, I lost my fucking mind. Look at this, look at me, this is why I'm not good for you. I'm destructive and I hurt everyone and everything around me. I'm a fucking mess.” Even screams, his eyes desperate and wild.

Isak takes a step back, more than surprised about Even's outburst, Even doesn't scream, Isak knows he's only doing this shit to scare him, to scare him away, he's only doing this to show him that he's not good for him, Isak closes his eyes for a moment, he takes a deep breath and says “Even, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like this, you know that.”

“What I know is that you should forget me and find someone better. Someone's who's not going to drag you down with him. Someone's who's not as toxic as I am.” Even stares in Isak's eyes, his face cold and hard.

He doesn't mean it, he's just trying to push me away.

Even turns around and leaves Isak standing there alone in that parking garage, Isak stands there watching Even leave. It's hard to breath and the world in front of Isak's eyes starts to get blurry.

Is this the end? Is this the end of the world? It definitely feels like it.

Chapter Text

Søndag 00:28
First he wanted to go to his mother, but walking in the hospital, looking all rattled, kinda confused with red, swollen eyes wasn't that great of an idea, so he walked home. He didn’t want to scare his mom, he can only imagine how crazy he would've looked like and he didn’t want her to worry about him even more, he was doing fine, perfectly fine.

Though the walk was long and exhausting there’s still energy left in Even’s body, he's feeling restless and fidgety, he blames the adrenalin.

Even’s standing in the shower, he lets the water wash over his head, running down his face and his body. The memories about what just happened a few hours ago come back to his mind like flashbacks.

He knows that the words just slipped out of the other boy’s mouth, he didn’t mean them that way, and Even’s not mad at Isak, he really isn't. Then there are flashes of scratched car paint, flashes of Isak’s face, the complete bewilderment in his expression and the tears in his eyes. Even presses his palms against his eyes, trying to press these memories at the back of his mind, he can't think about this now, no.

It’s for the best, it’s better for you to stay away, baby, I’m not good for you. I’m a fucking mess.

Even has no idea how long he’s already in here, but the water’s already getting cold, so it means it already has been quite a while now.

As he leaves the bathroom and steps back in his room, Even decides to play on his guitar, because he’s still too wired to sleep anyway. The warm water didn't work like he thought, it didn't calm him down, not in the slightest.

Adrenalin.

He throws on some sweatpants and a hoodie, grabs his guitar and makes his way down to the living room.

Even opens the French window and steps out at the terrace, the yard is dark, not even the pool is dimly lit today. He enjoys the darkness, the darkness never fails to cover his nagging compuction and sadness.

I was too harsh, way too harsh. I hurt him, I shouldn’t have screamed at him like a goddamn psycho.

He lets himself fall in one of the chairs and places the guitar in his lap, he takes a deep breath before his fingers gently stroke over the strains of it.

 

...After the madness. After the slow shock.
Before the wave hits, the flood comes rushing in.

This is the bad before the worse.
This is the storm before the storm
I haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor.
This is the bend before the break.
This is the mercy not the grace.
This is the proof and not the faith i try to find.
There shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

If I never loved you, if I never felt your kiss.
If I never had you. I know that I...I still would have mourned you.
I would have missed your smile.
If it wasn't so worth it, this wouldn't be...

****

11:43
Isak has no idea how he came back to Malin’s yesterday night, he can’t remember how his feet were able to make their way back here.

The only thing he remembers is that Malin waited for him, she was lying on the couch immersed in the book on her lap, she looked up from it and as soon as she saw Isak’s puffy, red eyes she stood up from the couch and wrapped her arms around him.

And Isak, he almost threw himself into his aunt’s arms, then he cried again, like he probably did his whole way back there, he cried until he had no tears left.

Malin didn’t ask any questions, she just brought Isak to bed and combed her fingers through his hair and covered him with the duvet before she left, perhaps she knew why Isak was crying, perhaps she knew, that it was over.

The end of the fucking earth. But that’s not the end, is it? That was just an argument, a little fight, right?

That tiny naïve part in Isak’s heart didn’t want to shut down, still full of hope that things with Even weren’t over, that his heart isn’t broken, that it just has a crack. But it still hurts.

Isak lays in his bed, staring holes into the wall he’s facing, and waiting for the minutes and hours to pass, every now and then he checks his phone, but besides a few messages from the boys, there’s nothing. No call, no message, nothing from Even.

An hour ago Isak tried to call Even, but the other boy didn’t pick up, the call went right to his voice mail. So Isak let it be, he decided to not call him again, not today, maybe he will try it tomorrow again.

Someone climbs on his bed, Isak doesn’t turn around, that someone’s too light and too small to be Even. Isak feels a small arm being wrapped around him, a weak smile appears on his lips. Mia.

Isak hates that Mia gets to see him like this, her shiny little eyes so full of worry for him, but he just can’t act like everything’s fine, because it isn't.

Mia cuddles up to him and takes a deep breath before she says “It’s going to be okay, Issy.”

Is it? Is it going to be okay?

Isak doesn’t know.

He closes his eyes for a second and swallows hard, trying to hold back the tears, he turns around to look his little cousin in the eyes.

Mia smiles at him, and Isak forces a smile on his lips, he knows it’s not very convincing, but he tries, because he doesn't want to see her sad.

The little girl looks at Isak with her big worried eyes and says “Mamma said you can stay as long as you want.”

Isak just nods, because he knows when he opens his mouth, his voice will break and he won’t be able to hold back his tears anymore. He’s thankful that he can stay, he wanted to ask Malin anyway, because only the thought of being alone at home, in the house right next to Even, makes his heart hurt even more.

And then Mia hugs him, tightly, he didn’t know it was possible for a little girl to give such a tight hug, and Isak feels a little better, even it’s just a bit.

 

****

 

Mandag 11:48
Even was working on a drawing of Isak all Sunday and he even pulled an all-nighter ‘cause he felt so inspired and he wanted to bring his inspiration to paper.

If Ida hadn’t called him for lunch and dinner, he would’ve totally forgotten about that, eating isn’t important at the moment, it's more important to perfect and finish his drawing, this drawing demands all his attention and Even doesn’t mind ‘cause he needs the distraction anyway.

When he’s drawing he can block out the thoughts, his mind’s so busy with focusing on his work that he forgets about everything else. Most of the time. And it did the last day.

As he hears the front door open and close downstairs, he checks the time, it’s 11:48, and Even wonders if his mom didn’t notice that he’s still home, still in his pajamas and planning on ditching school today. She probably didn’t, and Even shrugs it off, no need to worry there’s a 10% absence limit, he can handle this.

But his mom has noticed that something’s up, she didn’t say anything yet, but Even can feel the secret glances on him, he notices that she’s been looking at him a little too long once in a while this weekend, and he noticed the hidden worry in her eyes. She didn’t say anything yet because she’s waiting for Even to spill when he’s ready, she doesn’t push, she never does.

She didn’t even ask how Even took care of the whole Frederik thing, he totally forgot about that himself, but he’s gonna tell her as soon as he comes back home. He knows his mom won’t be overly excited about what he did, but it’s already done, and there’s no turning back anyway.

What he did was perhaps a little over the top, but Frederik deserved it and maybe this will be a lesson and he will stay the fuck away from them.

Even lays the pen down and looks at his drawing it’s not perfect yet, but close, very close. He takes a break and because the weather’s so beautiful today he decides to chill a little at the pool. He grabs his guitar and leaves his room.

It’s not too warm outside, but it’s enjoyable, Even rolls up his sweat pants and dives his feet into the wet blue.

It’s cold, but it’s refreshing, he splashes around a little before he takes his guitar, he strokes his fingers over the instrument before he starts to play a melody.

 

I wish my life was this song
'cause songs they never die
I could write for years and years
And never have to cry I'd show you how I feel
With out saying a word
I could wrap up both our hearts
I know it sounds absurd

And I saw the tears on your face
I shot you down and I slammed the door
But couldn't make a sound
So please stay sweet my dear
Don't hate me now
I can't tell how this last song ends

 

****

Isak’s on his way home, grabbing some clothes and his stuff for school, Malin insisted that he should stay at home today. She’s worried about him, he can see it in her eyes, she tries to hide that glance in there, but Isak feels the secret looks, but he’s not mad at her for it. His aunt is just worried, because Isak hasn’t told her what happened yet.

She wanted to drive to his house and get the stuff for him, but Isak said he needed fresh air to think anyways. Malin only nodded and forced a weak smile, yeah she's worried as hell and Isak feels bad for it, but he isn't ready to talk about what happened on Saturday. He's not ready to speak it out loud 'cause Isak's afraid that speaking it out loud will make it true. And that's the last thing he wants, he's not ready for this to be over.

Isak enters the house and it’s weird how silent it is in there, it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop and for a second it feels so surreal as if he never lived here, as if everything that happened in these four walls was just a vivid dream he had a long time ago. He stands there in the hallway for a few seconds and stares blankly in front of him, his mind is empty and his heart is a little too.

He tries to shrug this heart-wrenching feeling off and pulls himself together. He walks up to his room, the first his eyes take in when he steps in there, are Even’s drawings, and his heart weighs heavier in his chest, he averts his gaze and walks right to the window, he needs fresh air, it’s too stuffy in here.

Isak grabs the laptop from his desk and climbs out on the awning, it’s a warm autumn day and the sun is shining brightly, it’s shining as if nothing happened two days ago, if his heart wouldn’t hurt that much Isak would actually enjoy that beautiful day.

He opens up the laptop on his lap and starts to do some research, he needs to know about Even’s illness, he needs to find out as much as he can, he needs to understand what’s going on.

Isak stares at the screen as he reads the sentence A mania usually lasts three months...He closes the laptop and puts it aside, Isak buries his face in his hands, and he feels like crying again.

What if he’s been manic all the time? What if his feelings were just a symptom of his mania? What if his mind just made everything up?

He turns his head to look at the other house, looks at the little balcony in front of Even’s room.

Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Isak runs his fingers through his hair, stands up and climbs back in his room, he puts the laptop in his backpack before he throws his body, face forward, on his bed.

He wants to scream, but there’s no sound coming over his lips, maybe he’s too exhausted, maybe he’s too empty.

Isak turns to face the side on which Even used to sleep when he was here with him, in this bed. His fingers slightly stroke over the fabric of the blue pillow lying beside him, as he feels the tears stinging in his eyes, he slowly closes them and takes a deep breath.

How the hell is it fair that this beautiful boy, inside and out, has to fight with such a disease, how can his mind be so beautiful and twisted at the same time?

An hour later Isak leaves his house, tired and exhausted with an aching heart in his chest. He walks down the front yard, but freezes as he hears the sound from a guitar coming from the neighbor’s yard.

And I saw the tears on your face I shot you down
And I slammed the door but couldn't make a sound
So please stay sweet my dear
Don't hate me now
I can't tell how this last song ends

The broken glass... your moistened skin
Was everything, was everything

And your broken voice... was quivering
You're everything, you're everything
 

And then Isak runs down the front yard, down the street and the whole way to the tram, he runs ‘cause he doesn’t know what else he should do.

 

Tirsdag 11:17
Isak’s sitting in Biology and nervously typing an assignment, that he totally forgot to do on the weekend, how could he have thought about school after what happened on Saturday, his mind is occupied with Even, literally all kind of stuff about the other boy.

Sana walks in the classroom, she gives Isak a smile and sits down on the chair beside him “Hei. Forgot to do the assignment?”

“Yeah.” Isak nods and forces a weak smile, he sure failed to make it look any real, he looks back at the laptop and continues his work.

Isak can feel Sana’s glance on him, she eyes him up and it seems like she’s analyzing every inch of his face, she knits her eyebrows and asks “Isak, are you okay? You look a little…”

“I know I look like shit, Sana.” Isak interrupts her, he looks at her with his tired, sad eyes “I’m just a little stressed and tired. It’s fine, okay?” he says a little friendlier to her. He didn’t want to snap at her, but he’s exhausted and can’t quite control his temper.

Isak expects Sana to snap right back at him but the expression on the girl’s face softens and she slowly nods “Okay.” Isak sees that there’s a part of her, which doesn’t want to give up that easy, there’s a part of her, which wants to know, which is actually worried about him.

“Should I help you with the assignment?” she asks to brush away the other subject.

“That would be great, Sana.” Isak smiles at her, and this time it’s an honest smile.

 

During the second break Isak makes his way to the cafeteria, his eyes searching for Jonas in the crowd, as he finds him he walks towards his best friend with quick strides.

“Hei, Iss. What’s up with you not being in school yesterday?” Jonas asks, while Jonas sits down beside him.

“I’m a little down.” Isak answers and takes a sip from the coke he bought earlier, he didn't bought anything to eat, because he doesn't feel like eating.

“What’s wrong? Is it your mom?” Jonas asks, the look on his face is now concerned.

“No she’s doing better. It’s because of Even, he lost it.” Isak answers, looking down at the bottle in his hands.

“What happened?” Jonas asks, now the worry in his voice as well.

“He keyed the car of his mother’s ex. I think he’s manic, uhm he’s bipolar, you know.” Isak explains quietly, so that no one around them would hear them.

“Huh?” Jonas bushy eyebrows shoot up.

“Who’s bipolar?” Magnus asks while letting himself fall down on the chair in front of Isak, Isak looks up from his hands and his eyes meet Magnus’ and the boy adds “My mom’s bipolar.”

Isak knits his eyebrows “You’re mom’s crazy?” And shit he really needs to stop saying such stupid shit.

“She’s not crazy, she’s bipolar.” Magnus corrects him and takes a bite from his sandwich.

“Yeah sorry, I didn’t… but how… how is she?” Isak stumbles over his words.

“She’s awesome.” Magnus grins “You’ve met her, haven’t you?”

Isak met Magnus’ mom and not in a hundred years he would’ve guessed that she’s mentally ill, she’s such a warm and friendly woman “Yeah I have and she’s completely normal.”

Magnus nods “Yeah she’s normal, it’s just like, there are periods were she’s depressed or stoked.”

Isak slowly nods and looks at the coke bottle in his hands, he starts to fumble at the label, Magnus swallows down the bite from his sandwich and asks “Who were you talking about?”

“Even, he’s bipolar as well.” Isak sighs, eyes still pinned at the bottle, he notices Magnus nodding.

“He keyed the car of his mother’s ex.” Isak says quietly, looking back up at his friends.

“Shit, that’s wild.” Magnus’ eyes widen a little.

Isak only nods and exhales loudly.

“But uhm where is he now?” Magnus asks.

“At home, I guess.” Isak shrugs, he just assumes because he didn’t see Even in school today and he heard him playing yesterday, so he must be at home.

“No, I mean in his head.” Magnus chuckles a little “Is he depressed or stoked?”

“I don’t know I haven’t talked to him.” Isak admits, and God the look on his friends face makes him feel so embarrassed.

“Why not?” Jonas and Magnus ask in unison.

“Because all of this was bullshit from his side. He never had any feelings for me.” Isak says and that’s it, he said it out aloud, his biggest fear, he spilled it, the thought that’s nagging on his mind since he read about it.

“What do you mean?” Magnus knits his eyebrows and Jonas looks questioningly at him.

“He’s probably been manic all that time. I read that manic episodes last up to three months.” Isak explains helplessly.

Magnus clicks his tongue “Isak, bipolar is a very complex illness, and it divers from person to person, people experience it differently, you can’t generalize it. Just ask Even how he feels, how about that?”

Isak doesn’t know what to say, he looks down at his hands, bites down on his bottom lip and nods. Never in his life he felt this stupid and childish. Magnus is right he needs to talk to Even and stop assuming the worst and he needs to stop to bath in self-pity.

“Just talk to him when he has calmed down.” Magnus adds and gives Isak a smile.

“Okay. Thanks, Mags.” Isak says and he really means it, he never thought that Magnus will help him one day and now he feels really bad for being always irritated about the other boy’s sometimes really dump questions, Magnus just doesn’t know it better, and Isak decides that he’ll treat Magnus better in the future and not always snap at him, because actually he’s a damn good friend.

 

15:47
Isak shuffles along Malin’s living room, he spots his aunt out on the terrace and walks out to her.

“Hei.” he greets her, dropping his backpack on the ground and his body on a chair in front of Malin.

“Halla, Issy.” she gives him a smile, and it actually reaches her eyes, it’s not a forced smile, like so many of her smiles the last days have been.

She puts out her cigarette in the ashtray and says “I talked to your mom’s doctor today.”

“Oh. Are there any news?” Isak asks and leans back in his seat, suddenly he has a bad feeling, his mom’s supposed to come home tomorrow. He can't quite make out the look on Malin's face, Isak just hopes for good news, he doesn't know how to handle bad news at the moment.

“Uhm, yeah Marianne asked to stay for another week. She said she doesn’t feel ready yet.” Malin says slowly and cautiously, she looks like she’s scared of Isak’s reaction.

Isak doesn’t know what she expected, if she expected him to feel crashed or something, but he feels relieved, he smiles at her and says “That’s good, isn’t it? I mean that means she’s really trying to get better.”

Malin exhales loudly and mirrors Isak’s smile “That’s what I thought too, honey.”

And somehow this moment feels right to tell Malin what happened this weekend, he wants to see his aunt smile again, he wants the worried glance to disappear.

He tells her and she listens, carefully, not interrupting him a single time, just a few nods and aha’s. And when Isak’s done, when all his nagging worries are spit out, Malin wraps his arms around him and hugs him warm and tight, it’s that kind of hug that puts a few broken pieces of him back together.

And then Malin cups his face with her hands, looks him in the eyes and says “You gotta fix this, Iss.” And Isak slowly nods though he hasn’t the vaguest idea how, the only thing he knows it that at least he has to try.

 

****

Even’s sitting in Dr. Svendsen’s office, he’s drumming his fingers against his knee, when he notices that he might seem nervous or fidgety by doing this he stops, because that’s definitely not what he wants.

Dr. Svendsen stands up from his chair behind his desk and walks up to sit down in the chair in front of Even “So, Even, how are you doing? How’s it going with our deal?”

It takes a second ‘til Even answers, because he’s surprised that the doctor hasn’t mention the postponed appointment yet, he clears his throat and answers “I’m doing okay. Uhm well, I talked to Sonja and we broke up and I confronted my mom about the framed picture.”

“That’s good, Even.” Dr. Svendson nods and scribbles something down at the notepad on his lap.

“How’s it going with Isak?” the doctor wants to know, and he has that certain look on his face, that knowing look. Even knew he smelled the rat as soon as he stepped in his office.

Damn he’s good. He’s supposed to know such things. That’s his profession. Even internally rolls his eyes about himself.

“We had a little fight at the weekend.” Even says honestly, but he spares out some very important details. He doesn’t mention that he keyed Frederik’s car, he doesn’t mention that he yelled at Isak just to scare him off, to show him how bad things can get, maybe he overdid it a bit, but it was for the best, it's better for Isak that way.

As the conversation between them goes on, Even tries more and more to find the answers the doctor wants to hear and needs to hear to be convinced that he’s fine. Because he’s doing fine, really.

He doesn’t want this feeling to end, he knows it’s not good, but he doesn’t want to let go of this feeling, that feeling that covers the pain and sadness because he lost Isak, very likely forever. Even’s not ready to let go of that high, he needs this right now, he doesn’t know what will happen if he loses it, he doesn’t even want to think about that.

Dr. Svendsen studies Even’s face, he lays the pen on the notepad on his lap and says cautiously “Even, I’m afraid, but it seems like you’re being manic. It’s not that bad as it was the last time, but you clearly show symptoms.”

Even blinks a few times and bites down his bottom lip “Nah, I’m not doc. I’m fine. Really.” He smiles at the man, but Dr. Svendsen’s expression doesn’t change.

Dr. Svendsen slowly nods “Of course you are doing fine. Perhaps even fantastic, but in a few days not anymore. You know how quickly things can get out of hand.” He takes the pen in his hand again and writes something down on his notepad.

They already have. A bit, okay more than a bit.

“Shit.” Even breaths and he feels defeated, he really did his best to hide it, but he failed miserably. Now he has to face his real feelings, ‘cause he’s going to lose that all covering high.

Even leaves the doctor’s office with a new prescription, but he knew from the moment he took it from Dr. Svendsen that he’s going to pick the medication up but he’s not going to take it, not now, he's not ready.

 

****

 

Onsdag 16:37
Since Mia invited a shit ton of her little friends, Isak decided to get the hell out of Malin’s house, he’s sure as fuck he’s not able to handle five high pitched voices and all that giggling.

Isak took this as an opportunity to swing by the Kollektivet, he still owes Eskild an apology face to face, though he sent him tons of messages already and Eskild reassured him that everything’s fine and he isn’t mad at him anymore.

On his way there, he stops at a little shop, just to get Eskild's favorite chocolate, he knows maybe that’s a little too much, but he also knows that Eskild’s secretly, okay maybe not that secretly, expects that stupid chocolate.

Isak climbs the stairs to the flat and his mind wanders back to the three weeks he actually lived here, it’s weird to think about it, it seems like it’s been ages that Eskild and Linn harbored him.

It have been some rough weeks at home, his dad has barely been home and when he was his parents fought, and his mom, she was weirder than usual, somewhere in all that fighting she seemed to have lost herself. One night it got out of hand, Isak couldn’t take this anymore, he packed some of his shit and ran, he ran to the tram and drove in the city.

There he got in the first bar he found, no one asked for his age or an ID, and Isak seized the opportunity and got shitfaced. He got so drunk that he barely managed to stand on his own feet, he thought it would help, he thought the alcohol would wash away the ache in his heart, but it only made it worse.

They only thing he can remember of Eskild dragging him to the Kollektivet was that as soon as they were out the bar, on the fresh air, Isak puked on Eskild’s shoes. The rest is blank, he can’t remember shit, probably he whined about his shitty dad and his insane mom, but Eskild never mentioned anything.

And then he stayed for three weeks, taking Noora’s room while she was in London with William, and he actually liked it, he enjoyed Eskild and Linn’s company, it was nice, it was really nice to live with them.

After those three weeks Isak felt like visiting his parents, he felt like he could handle it, and when he entered the house he only found his mom, she looked at him and said calmly “Your dad’s gone, he said he was sorry but he couldn't take this anymore.”

Isak tried to call him, sent him texts, but his dad didn’t answer, it took the man two weeks to find the guts to reach out to his son, but for Isak it was too late, he'd probably never forgive him that.

His mom seemed to do better, she talked normal and she acted normal, when he hugged her goodbye she whispered in his ear “The house is lonely without you, Issy. I miss you.” And a day later Isak moved back to his mom’s house.


“Hei Isak.” Noora smiles at him.

“Hei.” he mirrors her smile “Is Eskild here?”

“Yes. Come on in.” she says and takes a step aside to let him in.

Isak walks in there, toes off his shoes and hangs his jacket on one of the hooks, he can already hear Eskild in the living room, he seems to explain something to Linn.

Noora gives him a smile before she leaves for her room and Isak heads to the living room, he peeks in there and smiles “Halla.”

“Hei.” Linn gives him a bright smile and stands up from the couch to hug him, as she does she whispers in his ear “Good luck.” before she leaves to her room.

“Hei.” Eskild says and gives Isak a weak smile.

“Eskild, I’m really fucking sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to upset and hurt you. Sorry for speaking without thinking.” Isak walks up to the couch and lets his body fall beside Eskild.

“Yes, that’s definitely something you have to work on.” Eskild huffs and looks at Isak with one of his brows raised.

“Yeah sorry, I know.” Isak says and then he wraps his arms around Eskild and hugs him, he doesn’t know if he’s actually doing this for Eskild or more for himself.

Eskild hugs him back and gently pats his back before they let go of each other, he gives Isak a smile and says “So you didn’t bring me chocolate?”

“Ugh, Eskild.” Isak groans and dramatically throws his head back, but then he grins at him, stands up from the couch and quickly walks back to the hall to get the chocolate from his jacket.

“Who do you think I am? Of course I brought you that damn chocolate.” he smiles at Eskild as he comes back and hands him the sweet.

“Now you’re truly forgiven, little kitten.” Eskild smiles brightly at him.

“Whenever I get you chocolate when I say something stupid, you’re gonna get fat.” Isak laughs and nodges his shoulder against Eskild's.

Eskild makes a face and rolls his eyes “But seriously you didn’t need to come here, I already told you I wasn’t mad anymore.” He stuffs a piece of the chocolate in his mouth and adds “Yumm, it’s so good. You want a piece?”

Isak slightly shakes his head “Nah, thanks.”

They both get comfy on the couch and watch some TV, Linn seems to sense that they sorted their shit out and joins them.

Linn’s curled up between Eskild and Isak, wrapped up in a blanket she brought from her room, Isak absentmindedly plays with the length of her red hair. It’s nice to slouch here on the couch with his two former flat mates, it makes the ache in his heart a little less, more bearable.

“How’s it going with Even?” Linn suddenly breaks the comfortable silence in the living room, Eskild looks a little surprised at her, Isak knows that he’s still wondering how Isak and Linn came that close that she can actually ask such a question without Isak snapping at her.

“I don’t know, it’s a mess to be honest.” Isak sighs, eyes pinned at the strand of Linn’s hair between his fingers.

“How’s that?” Eskild asks.

“I said something stupid.” Isak answers quietly.

“No shit?” Eskild asks played surprised and Linn chuckles a little.

“Shut up.” Isak laughs weakly “He did something fucked up and it just slipped out of my goddamn mouth." Eskild raises his brows and Linn turns her head to look at Isak, he knows they want to know what Even did, but Isak already told Jonas and Magnus and that already was too much, he can't go around and tell everyone that Even keyed a fucking car “I don’t want to talk about what he did… but it was kinda heavy.”

Eskild inhales deeply and asks “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Isak looks at Eskild with wide eyes and then at Linn, she has the same concerned expression on her face as Eskild, why the hell do they think something like that, Even would never hurt him. “What the hell, Eskild. No.” Isak shrieked.

“Good.” Eskild exhales relieved, and Linn relaxes again.

Isak takes the snapback from his head and runs his fingers through his curls “He isn’t answering my calls nor my texts. We haven’t spoken since Saturday.”

“So he’s quasi MIA.” Linn says.

“Yeah, didn’t even see him in school.” Isak sighs.

“Maybe he’s just sick.” Eskild suggests nonchalantly, and Isak only nods.

Oh. Maybe his mania is over and he’s depressed.

Linn’s hand finds his and she gently squeezes it, Isak turns his head to look at her and she smiles at him, it’s one of these it’s-going-to-be-okay-smiles.

 

****

Even’s feeling bigger, stronger, better than ever, he feels on top of the world. He didn’t take the meds, Dr. Svendsen prescribed, there's no reason to ‘cause he feels fan-fucking-tastic.

He even managed to avoid his mom, it has been easy ‘cause she’s been at the hospital a lot, and she’s been only home last night, when she checked on him, he pretended to be asleep.

This morning Even decided that today’s the day, he’s ready to face Frederik, he’s ready to face him and tell him to leave them the fuck alone.

Even’s waiting at the garage for about two hours already, but he doesn’t mind, he’s got time, the longer he waits the more time he has to think about the words he’s going to say to the man.

And then Frederik eventually walks out the staircase towards his car, Even slips out of his hiding and walks up to him, he shoves the man lightly from behind, as he turns around to face the one who was shoving him, his eyes go wide.

Even raises his brows and asks “Surprised?”

“The hell Even, what are you doing here?” Frederik hisses, his voice sounds very irritated.

“Actually I was waiting for you, Fred.” Even says sweetly, he eyes the man up.

“Son, I got no time for your shit right now. Can’t you jar on someone else nerves?” Frederik sighs, and Jesus that guy really knows how to provoke Even.

“First, I’m not your fucking son.” Even snaps, but he tries to calm down and adds “Second, I promise that it won’t take long.” Even takes a step closer and his eyes bore into Frederik’s.

But the man doesn’t flinch a second, he’s not scared of him, Even knows that, but he still wants to say what he has to say “Leave.us.the.fuck.alone.” Even speaks every word with a little pause in between.

Frederik smirks and raises one of his brows “Or what?” And there’s this fire in the man’s eyes Even knows to well, usually he would take a step back, step out of Frederik’s personal space, but not today, today he needs to prove a point, he isn’t afraid of him anymore, he can’t fuck with his mind anymore, he already did that enough.

“Or else your car wasn’t the last thing I damaged.” Even spits, well Even knows he’ll never hurt anyone, but he needs some dramatic words here.

“I knew it was you. Fucking bastard. You’re losing your shit again, am I right?” Frederik’s expression gets even more evil.

Even swallows hard.

Don’t let him in, don’t let him do this.

He licks his lips and says “Oh you should know how batshit crazy I can get.”

This time it's Frederik who takes a step back, Even eyes the man up and whispers “Are you scared, Fred? Are you fucking scared of the poor little crazy boy?”

“The hell is wrong with you, son? I think you should go and see a doctor, this behavior can't be normal. You're insane.” Frederik breaths, his eyes wide.

“You're right Fred, I'm insane. That's why you told mom to leave me behind, 'cause I'm a burden. And for fucks sake stop calling me son, I'm not your fucking kid.” Even says in a monotone, calm voice, he almost scares himself.

Shit, Frederik looks really terrified, and is there a little worry in his eyes.

Why is he scared? He has never been scared before.

Even takes a step back.

What am I doing here? I'm just making this even worse? What if he's calling the police?

Even's train of thought gets interrupt by the voice of a woman calling his name.

He turns around and looks in his mother's face, she looks puzzled and kinda terrified, her eyes are wide and her face is as white as a sheet.

“Mom?” Even asks and it's barely a whisper, he doesn't know if she even heard it.

“Evy, what are you doing here?” she says, laying her hands on his cheeks and studying his face with her worried, worried eyes.

“I was just...” Even says but Frederik interrupts him.

“Your crazy son was waiting for me, my love. Maybe he wanted to key my face as well.” the man says bitterly.

Ida's eyes look away from her son to the man standing a few steps away “What are you talking about?”

“Oh I see he didn't tell you. He keyed my car on Saturday.” Frederik smiles bitterly at her.

“Honey, is that true?” Ida looks at him, her eyes look so worried, it breaks Even's heart, he can't say a thing, he can only nod.

“I already told you a while ago to lock him up before he completely snaps, but you wouldn’t listen.” Frederik bites.

Ida's jaw clenches, she takes a step away from Even, towards the man, she takes a deep breath and bites “Shut the hell up, Fred. You don't know what you're talking about. I was blind for such a long time. I didn't see what a bad and toxic person you are, but now I do. Leave us the hell alone, if you ever come near me or my son again, I swear to God I'll be the one who's going to key your face.”

Frederik takes a step back, and puts his hands up in defeat “Jesus, alright, woman.”

Ida shoots him a look, but she doesn't say anything, she walks up to her son and wraps an arm around him and leads Even to her car.

As they get in there, Even looks at her with wide eyes, never before he heard his mother talking like that, he never expected this, but hell this was fucking awesome.

We did it. We can do anything.

Even feels good and he smiles at his mom the whole drive home, but there's a frown on Ida's forehead and Even knows what that means.

Shit I disappointed her again. I should've told her.

The winning feeling flattens as quick as it raised, and suddenly Even doesn't feel that good anymore. Suddenly all the feelings his mania managed to supress for the past few days wash over him. The realization that this whole shit with Frederik could've ended very differently, probably with him getting caught by the police or something like that, and the way he treated Isak that Saturday night, hits him like a truck.

Even's now more than aware of the ache and emptiness in his heart and he starts to cry in the passengers seat.

That night Even crashes.

Chapter Text

Tørsdag 15:03

Isak’s standing in front of the French window that leads into Even’s living room, it took him all his courage to come here. He barely slept last night, 'cause he was a nervous wreck, his mind working through every possible scenario that could happen when he comes here, imagine every possible way how Even could react.

He’s tired and exhausted, but he needs to see Even, that radio silence between them is slowly but surely killing him.

Isak takes a deep breath before he raises his hand, knocks at the glass and slowly slides it open, he peeks his head in there and says “Hello?”

Ida stretches her head out the kitchen, as soon as she sees Isak, a bright smile appears on her lips “Isak darling. Come on in.”

“Halla Ida.” Isak mirrors her smile as he steps in the living room and closes the French window behind him.

Ida looks tired, there are light circles under her eyes and there’s something sad in the corner of her usually bright eyes. Isak’s heart sinks to the ground, fuck, that means Even’s not doing well.

Isak nervously plays with the sleeves of his hoodie as he asks “How’s he doing?” his voice breaks at the last word and suddenly he feels so out of place standing here in the midst of their living room and asking that question. Does he even have the right to be here and ask that question?  Isak feels like crying again.

“He’s depressed, Isak, but he’ll be okay.” Ida says quietly, but these words are echoing so loud in Isak's ears that he needs to close his eyes for a second to let them sink in.

Ida eyes are shining from the upcoming tears, Isak quickly takes a step closer to her and pulls her in a hug. And once more it's one of these hugs where Isak doesn't know if he's doing it to comfort himself or the other person.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve come earlier.” Isak apologizes quietly and looks down at the floor, he feels so ashamed standing here in front of his love's mother and knowing that he could've done better.

Ida slowly shakes her head, she cups Isak’s chin with one of her hands, tilts his head up and says with a weak smile on her lips “It’s not your fault, darling.” And the way she says it makes Isak believe that it’s true, it makes him believe that none of this is his fault, though his brain is telling him a different story.

“Can I go up to him? I mean is it…” Isak quietly asks.

“Of course you can. He’s probably sleeping, and he might not wake up, but it’ll help if you’re there.” Ida smiles reassuring at him, gently patting Isak's shoulder.

He walks upstairs and slowly opens the door to Even's room, it's dark in there, the curtains are closed and it's quiet, there's just Even's silent steady breath.

Even's curled up on his side on the bed, duvet loosely wrapped around his tall body, as expected he's sleeping. Isak steps towards the bed, shrugs off his hoodie and slips under the duvet and huddles up against Even, wrapping an arm around the other boy's waist.

I'm here, babe. I'm here.

Even intentionally moves closer without even waking up, Isak buries his nose in his hair and places a kiss on the back of Even’s head, he doesn't say anything, 'cause he doesn't want to wake him up, he needs the rest.

I missed you so bad.

Isak's holding him as close as he can, pressing his chest against Even's back, absorbing the emanating warmth from Even's body and inhaling his scent. Soon a welcoming, comforting tiredness washes over Isak's body and he doesn’t fight it. He closes his eyes and falls asleep, his body wrapped around Even's, hugging him close to his heart, maybe Even can feel the beat in Isak's chest, maybe this helps him a little to not get lost in whichever depth he's right now in his head.

Isak wakes up as he hears Ida’s voice whispering beside his ear, he turns his head and blinks a few times before he eventually opens his eyes.

Ida’s smiling down at him as she whispers “I made toast, you want some?”

Isak slowly nods and cautiously gets up from the bed, trying his best not to wake Even up.

Isak doesn’t really feel like eating, but he eats anyway because he’s starving, Ida places a glass with water in front of him and sits down at the table, Isak swallows the bite in his mouth and asks quietly “Since when does he have this, I mean when did he have his first episode?”

Ida takes a breath before she answers “Not that long ago, before his 19th birthday this year. It didn’t took us long to figure out what was wrong, because his father had the same disease, but it took us months to fix all that stuff with his meds.”

Isak bites down his bottom lip and slowly nods “But if he’s taking medication why did he slip anyway?” Isak asks, because he wants to understand, he knows it’s probably a stupid question, but he needs to understand.

“You know, stress and other things can trigger it.” Ida explains “The move, the new school and I don’t know if Even told you about Frederik.”

“He told me a little.” Isak nods, and then he asks what he’s been afraid of since he found out that a manic episode can last up to three months “He wasn’t manic the whole time, was he?”

Ida’s eyes widen a little, but then her expression goes soft “Darling, do you think he was just with you because he was manic?”

Isak doesn’t know what to answer, he looks down at his hands, ‘cause suddenly he feels a little embarrassed about his question.

Ida lays her hand on Isak’s and says softly “Oh Isak, no that’s not true.” Isak looks up in her eyes and she smiles reassuring at him “I’m gonna tell you something, since the day we moved here, he's been hopelessly in love with you.” she chuckles lightly and she squeezes his hand a little.

Isak can feel the blush coloring his cheeks, he mirrors her smile and says “I’m too.”

****

The tiredness is weighing heavy on Even’s whole body, his mind is kinda wrapped in it, he’s barely able to move a muscle, every little move, every breath he takes is exhausting.

He’s barely realizing when he falls in and out of sleep, he just assumes to be awake when the noises surrounding him sound more real and clear – not as if they are far away and wrapped in cotton – just like now.

He can hear that his mom’s at home, she’s down in the kitchen, and she has the radio on because he can hear muffled voices, or is someone here? Even doesn't know, he's too exhausted to care about this now.

Even gives in as sleep wraps around him like a blanket again, usually he isn’t dreaming in this state, usually all in his head is wrapped in white – a scaring white nothing.

But this time he seems to actually dream, he feels an arm wrapped around his waist, a warm body pressed against his back, he can feel a calm, steady breath brushing through his dark blond hair and he can even smell that someone.

Isak.

He never experienced a dream like this before, it feels so real and if Even wouldn’t be that exhausted, tears would run down his face. Tears of joy.

He’s here. He’s here.

And somehow this dream manages to keep him anchored, keep him from drowning any further into that white emptiness, this dream is holding him close, it’s sharing its warmth and it makes him feel less alone, less lost.

Later when he opens his eyes, Even hears Ida down in the kitchen, it seems like she's talking to someone, she's probably on the phone or she's talking to herself. Even hasn't the strength to walk down in the kitchen to look to whom she's talking to.

It's already a piece of work to go to the bathroom, in there he stares a few seconds at the shower, but he pushes the thought of actually getting in there to take a shower away.

Too exhausted.

Even shuffles back to his bed, his eyes find the glass of water on his nightstand and he takes a gulp, the toast beside it stays untouched, he's not hungry, he just wants to lay back down and the dream to wash over him again.

 

Fredag 08:02

Isak stayed the night huddled up against Even, he didn’t want to leave, he wanted Even to know that he’s still here, that he still loves him, that his feelings for him haven't changed.

Early this morning he got back to Malin’s to grab his stuff for school, Malin and Mia aren’t up yet, so Isak decides to tell his aunt later about what’s going on.

Yesterday night he fell asleep early, and he totally forgot to text Malin that he was staying at Even's, but he assumes that she knows anyways.

Isak pulls his phone out of his pocket and checks it for the first time since yesterday evening, there’s a text from Malin and as he thought Malin knew what was up.

 

Mal: I assume you’re staying overnight. Night Issy, hugs M&M

 

Isak walks in the kitchen, grabs a post-it and a pen from the cabinet, scribbles quickly down a note for his aunt 'I stay at Even’s tonight as well. I hope that’s okay. I call you later, hugs Isak'

He pins it on the fridge and makes his way to school.

Isak sits in the tram, watching the passing houses and stores, the phone in his pocket starts to ring and he quickly pulls it out, thinking it’s Malin.

But as he sees the name on the screen a deep frown forms on his forehead, it’s his dad, Isak rejects the call, he’s got no nerves to talk to his father, not that early in the morning, not after all what happened.

His phone pings, a text from his dad, asking how he’s doing and that he should call back.

Nah, I don’t think so.

Isak stuffs the phone back in his pocket and lets his eyes wander back out the window, he can't be bothered with his dad's shit right now.

****

He slowly opens his eyes as he feels a fresh breeze tickling his face, his mother stands out at the balcony and looks down at the yard.

Even blinks a few times to make sure that he’s not dreaming this, he’s not quite sure what’s real and what’s not anymore, the dreams he's got the last day felt so real, it’s almost scaring.

I need to talk to Dr. Svendsen about that, I've never had hallucinations before.

His mom turns around and a smile appears on her lips as she notices that Even’s eyes are open “Good morning, Evy.”

“Hei mamma.” is all that Even's able to roll over his lips, it feels weird to speak after two days of saying nothing at all. His throat feels dry and his voice sounds sleepy and coarse.

He reaches his hand out the duvet to grab the glass from the nightstand, he downs the glass in one swing and exhales loudly.

Even turns around and closes his eyes again, he can tell that he’s doing better today, he can actually feel something, it seems like that white all-consuming emptiness is about to disappear and all he wants now is that his dream comes back, though he knows it’s maybe not good to hope for that, but it’s the only thing that keeps him anchored, that gives him hope.

This time it takes hours over hours ‘til that comforting warmth is wrapped around him again, it took so long that Even already was about to accept the fact that it wouldn't come at all.

That dream, or hallucination, is even more intense this time, Isak’s even speaking now, no he’s actually singing, very quiet, his voice is barely more than a whisper.

...And I don't want to let this go
I don't want to lose control
I just want to see the stars with you
And I don't want to say goodbye
Someone tell me why
I just want to see the stars with you...

Even wants to open his eyes, he wants to know if maybe, just maybe, Isak's really here and this is not just his sad imagination. It takes him some time, because he’s scared, really terrified 'cause he doesn’t know what to do if he opens his eyes and Isak’s not here.

Even takes a shaky breath and slowly opens his eyes, he blinks a few times because he can’t believe that he’s looking into Isak’s green, green eyes. He doesn’t dare to touch the boy in front of him, he’s still believing that this is just a dream and he’s afraid that if he would touch him he will go up in smoke. And he can’t risk that, he needs to look at this beautiful face for another few breaths, he needs to look in these green eyes, filled with comfort and tenderness, a little longer.

“You’re here.” Even’s voice breaks, there’s so much more he wants to say, but he can’t find the words in this mess of his mind.

“I’m here.” a smile appears on Isak’s lips, a smile so beautiful as if it’s real, and Even wants to touch the corner of Isak’s lips and trace the contours of them, but he doesn’t dare.

Even studies Isak’s face, searching for an evidence that this boy in front of him is actually real and not just his medicated mind playing a sick joke on him, after a few minutes he closes his eyes again, he closes them because he doesn’t want to see Isak disappearing in front of his eyes.

He feels the other boy snuggling closer, then there are soft lips gently pressed against his forehead and fingers brushing through his hair.

 

Lørdag 14:32

Isak and Mia run around in the yard, they’re playing a game that Mia invented just five minutes ago. Mia's giggling and Isak’s laughing, and for the first time in days it’s a real and hearty laugh.

Mia stops for a second to look at him, a bright smile graces her lips and Isak asks “What’s up pumpkin? You already tired?”

His little cousin quickly shakes her head and says “No, I’m not.” And she starts to run again, and Isak follows her.

They run ‘til they’re both out of breath, then they let their exhausted bodies fall on the grass, they're looking up at the sky.

“Look, that cloud looks like an elephant.” Mia stuns and stretches her finger towards the sky.

Isak knits his eyebrows and chuckles “An elephant? Looks more like a hippo to me.”

Mia chuckles, then she turns her head and looks at Isak, the expression on her face gets unusually serious and she asks quietly “Is it already okay again?”

Isak’s eyes are still pinned to the sky, he thinks for a second or two, this morning he got a text from Ida, Even stood up and he’s doing better, Isak eventually turns his head and looks at the little girl laying beside him “Almost.”

Then Malin walks out on the terrace and calls his name, Isak leans up on his hands and he smiles as he sees Sana standing beside her “Sana, hei.”

“Hei.” Sana chuckles lightly with raised eyebrows, seemingly amused about Isak laying there in the grass with his little cousin.

Isak and Mia stand up and walk towards the girl, Mia looks fascinated at Sana and she breaths “Wow, you’re beautiful.”

"Uhm thank you." Sana blushes a little and Isak huffs out a light chuckle, he never saw Sana blush before, Isak clears his throat before he says “Mia that’s Sana, we’re Biology buds. Sana this is my little cousin Mia.”

They smile at each other and then Malin takes Mia’s hand and leads the girl in the house “Come one little one, they need to study.”

Isak and Sana are working through a few questions about sexual reproduction and Isak feels quite uncomfortable with that topic, and then there’s this question that lays heavy in Isak's stomach, he starts to nervously shift in his chair.

“Is homosexuality a genetic dead end? Reason your answer.” Sana reads the next question aloud and she looks up from their working sheet.

Isak swallows and he doesn’t know where to look, he doesn’t know if Sana knows that he’s gay, probably she does, Vilde is one of her best friends after all.

He has no idea how to handle that situation here, should he just say it, or should he wait, Isak’s train of thoughts gets interrupted by Sana’s snipping fingers in front of his face “Isak, can you focus?”

“Uhm, yeah, sorry.” Isak stutters “Uhm I don’t know.”

Sana sighs and rolls her eyes a little “While you were dreaming I looked it up and I found an interesting link, it says that homosexuality has played a natural part in evolution. There are many of interesting researches they did lately.” Sana turns her laptop to Isak and points with her finger on the screen.

Isak looks at the screen and then at her, he takes a deep breath and asks “And what about you, what do you think about homosexuality?”

Sana turns the laptop back to herself and folds her hands on the table, she studies Isak’s face and says “I believe that all people have the same worth and that no person should be spoken about behind their back, be violated, judged or mocked. Okay?”

“Okay.” Isak nods and he takes a deep breath. He really feels relieved, he was scared that Sana wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore after he told her, but she’s cool with it and so is Isak.

After two hours Isak’s brain feels mushy, he needs a break, so he suggests to go for a walk around the lake and Sana agrees, and he doesn't know why but Mia is is more than eager to join them.

They walk along the path and Isak looks out in the distance, he bites down his bottom lip before he asks “So I assume you heard that stuff about me and Even from third year?”

Sana studies his face from the side and answers “Yeah, but I don’t give a damn about rumors.” she shrugs.

“But I told Vilde that these rumors were true. Didn’t she tell you?” Isak asks confused, did Vilde keep something to herself for once?

“I love Vilde but she says a lot of things, you know.” Sana smiles at him and she lightly shakes her head, of course Vilde didn't keep it to herself.

“Oh okay.” Isak says and he gets her point, totally “Bur it's true, I was with Even.”

“You were?” Sana asks, she studies Isak’s face again.

“Yeah I mean it’s a little complicated at the moment. I don’t know if he still wants to be with me.” Isak sighs, Jesus he never thought that he would talk about something like that with Sana.

“Just talk to him, don’t be a coward.” Sana rolls her eyes, but gives him a smile.

“I’m not a coward, and it’s not that easy, tho.” Isak pouts, he's not a coward or is he?

Sana stops her steps and she looks at him, a serious expression on her face “Okay listen, I’m gonna tell you this just this one time, alright?”

Isak stops his steps as well and looks confused at her “Okay?”

“Sometimes you’re an annoying grumpy little shit.” Isak rolls his eyes and snorts at that, but Sana raises her brows.

"Sorry." Isak smiles apologetically and Sana goes on “But you’re also nice and caring, plus you’re smart and I'm sure you’re not a coward.”

Isak stares at her for a second, his mouth slightly open, never in the world he would've thought that Sana's got a hidden caring spot for him “Wow, Sana… thank you.” A smile spreads on his lips as he adds “I guess you’re okay, too.”

“Ugh shut up, Valtersen.” Sana shoves him playfully, and looks down at the ground to hide her blush.

Mia turns around and she looks at them with knitted eyebrows, she walks back to them, she looks at Sana and says with a serious voice “You’re beautiful, Sana, but Isak already has a boyfriend, you know.” She smiles sweetly at Sana and runs back to the shore, to play with the water again.

Isak and Sana exchange a puzzled look, “As lovely as her cousin.” Sana states and they burst out into laughter.

****

Even’s doing better, it seems like the medication doesn’t only give him hallucinations but is also actually working. He eventually got the strength to get out of bed, to take a shower and change his clothes.

As he leaves the bathroom he hears a melody coming from downstairs.

 

…Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
And the sun is rising…

 

Even walks down the stairs, following his mom’s voice to the study, Even stops at the door and leans against its frame, he listens his mom finishing the song.

He walks up to her, lays his hand on her shoulder and places a kiss to her cheek “Halla mamma.”

“Halla Evy.” Ida smiles brightly at him, she looks happy, happy that Even made it out of bed today, happy that her son’s doing better again.

“That was a beautiful song.” Even tries to give her a smile, it’s not that bright as usual but it’s a start.

“Thank you, honey.” Ida stands up, she caresses Even’s cheek and studies his face.

Even takes a deep breath, he looks down at the floor and says “I’m sorry, mom.”

Ida lifts her son’s chin and smile at him “It's okay, Evy.“

He wraps his arms around his mom and hugs her close, he knows it's not okay, he did something stupid and he will have to face the consequences. He keyed Frederik's car when he was manic, and it's just a matter of time 'til the police will show up and Even has to face the mess he got himself into.

“Honey, your thoughts are pretty loud.” Ida smiles at him as they let go “Don't worry about the stuff with Frederik, I took care of it.“ Ida caresses Even's cheek and for a second Even wants to protest, he wants to protest 'cause he needs to handle this on his own, but he lets it be, 'cause some things you can’t handle all by yourself, so he smiles at his mom and whispers “Thank you.“

“Uhm there’s something I wanted to talk about.” Even says and rubs the back of his neck.

Ida raises her brows and looks between his eyes, she nods to indicate he should go on.

“I think I need to go to Dr. Svendsen and get some new pills, I kinda had hallucinations.” Even breaths, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie.

“Hallucinations?” Ida looks confused at her son, a light frown on her forhead.

“Yeah and they felt scarily real. It was like Isak had been really there, I could even smell him and stuff.” Even explains, he starts to nervously chew on his inner cheek.

Then Ida chuckles “Oh honey.” Even frowns, it’s not funny that he had hallucinations, he doesn’t understand why his mom’s chuckling, he shoots her a look and she stops her light laughter.

“Evy, those weren’t hallucinations. Isak had actually been here the last two days.” Ida enlightens her son.

“Oh.” Even breaths and his glance drops to the floor, sudden embarrassement flooding his body.

He was here. He was really here.

“He was here though I fucked it up so badly?” Even asks and looks back in his mom’s eyes, biting down on his bottom lip.

“Do you think he would've come if you had fucked it up?” Ida tilts her head a little, a fond smile on her lips.

“But I said those things and I... I bet I scared the shit out of him.“ Even’s eyes start to fill with tears and quickly runs his fingers over them.

Ida lays her hand on his shoulder “He spent the last two days laying beside you and holding you. He was worried and asked me about thousand times what he can do for you. He loves you, Ev.“

Even blinks a few times, tears are rolling down his cheeks and he nods, Ida wipes these tears away and says “You two just need to talk.“

 

Søndag 16:11

Isak’s already sick of all of them saying that he should talk with Even, he tried to reach out, he tried to call him, but he came directly to his voice mail and he texted him, but he didn’t get an answer. So all of them should shut up and stop saying he needs to try, when he already did.

Isak rolls his eyes as he hears the same from his best friend, he leans back in his chair and sighs “What if he doesn’t want to see me? I called and I texted him, but I got no answer. I mean that’s pretty clear isn’t it?”

“Maybe he lost his phone or something? You ever thought about that? Maybe he’s sitting at home and waiting for you to show up like you did on Thursday and Friday? Maybe he's still depressed.” Jonas asks, Isak leans his head in his neck and exhales loudly.

“Fuck.” Isak breaths, his mind's a mess, he doesn't know what to think and what to do anymore.

“Iss.” Jonas kicks his foot lightly against Isak’s.

“What?” Isak snaps, everyone assumes that it’s so easy, but no one actually sees that Isak’s scared shitless to go to Even and have that talk with him. Yeah it could end well, but what if not? Is he the only one who sees that this can actually mean the end with Even?

Jonas rolls his eyes and says “Listen, do you think it’s better to sit here and think what could happen, what he possibly could say? Isn’t it worse to stay in the dark? If you go to him and he says that he doesn’t want this anymore, I mean at least you know then and you can stop sitting here wracking your brain and move on.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Isak breaths, his best friend’s got a point here and sure he’s right, it’s always better to know where you at, but this doesn't make his anxiety any less.

“Okay then let’s go.” Jonas smirks at him and stands up from his chair.

“Like right now?” Isak asks perplex.

“Yes.” Jonas chuckles and grabs Isak’s hand and pulls him to his feet, Isak rolls his eyes “Okay, okay.”

They walk in the living room, Jonas throws his body on the couch beside Malin, he nudges his shoulder against hers and says “Iss is going to talk to Even now.”

“Oh, really? Mia’s at a friend, so I can give you a ride, if you want me to.” Malin smiles at her nephew.

And Isak could bet, that these two had hatched this all along, but he doesn’t complain, he’s thankful to have people in his life that actually care about him and his happiness.

“Sure.” Isak nods and he can see the excitement in Jonas' and Malin’s eyes, he kinda feels the urge to snap at them that they should calm the fuck down, they make him even more nervous with that shit.

The drive to Even’s house is silent, just music filling the car and sometimes Jonas’ or Malin’s voice singing along to a song. Isak's nervously drumming his fingers against his knees, he tries to sort the words in his head he wants to say, but he stops because in the past too much thinking stopped him from saying so much things.

Isak gets out of the car, he stands beside it and takes a shaky breath, he turns his head to look back at his aunt and his best friend, they both waggle their hands to indicate that he should finally go.

Isak rolls his eyes and flips them of, that gesture makes both burst out into laughter, Isak turns back around and starts his steps.

Ready or not, here I come.

Isak presses the doorbell with shaking fingers, the door swings open and he looks at a smiling Ida “Hei, Isak.”

Isak awkwardly clears his throat and says “Halla Ida. Uhm is Even here?”

“I’m afraid, honey, but he’s out with Theo.” Ida says, and Isak can tell that she’s really sorry that her son’s not home “I would ask you in, but I’m on my way to work.”

“It’s okay.” Isak says and Ida steps out the door and closes it behind her.

They walk down the front yard and Isak asks “Uhm can you tell him that I was here?”

“Of course.” Ida nods and she smiles, Isak notices that the circles under her eyes are gone.

“Thank you, Ida.” Isak smiles back.

“You’re very welcome, honey. See you soon, yeah? Bye.” Ida waves before she gets in her car.

“Bye.” Isak breaths before he turns around and walks back towards Malin’s car.

He swings the door open and gets back in the passenger seat, Malin and Jonas look at him, Isak rolls his eyes and says “He wasn’t home.”

“Shit.” Jonas sighs and leans back in his seat.

“You okay?” Malin scans Isak’s face.

“Yeah?“ Isak looks at her with knitted eyebrows, why shouldn't he be okay, Even's just not home, he was prepared for something worse. Of course he's disapointed that Even isn't home, that he's out with one of his friends, but isn't calling him nor texting him back, but he swallows that down.

It’s silent for a few seconds and the atmosphere in the car is kinda awkward, but Isak doesn't care, he doesn't want to speak about this anymore, Even isn't home, period, there's no need to over analyze this right here right now.

“Should I drive you home, Jonas?“ Malin breaks the silence, turning her head to look back at the other boy.

“That'd be great, Mal, thanks.“ Jonas answers and smiles at her.

Isak leans his head back and closes his eyes for a moment, he feels the worried glances of his best friend and his aunt on him, their worry weighs so heavy in the air that Isak can’t ignore it anymore, no matter how hard he tries to.

“Guys, what's wrong?“ Isak asks annoyed as he opens his eyes.

“Nothing.“ they both say in unison.

“Jesus, and they say I'm a bad liar.“ Isak rolls his eyes “He just wasn't home, that's not the end of the world.“ And this time Isak can hear himself how much of a bad liar he actually is.

“Okay.“ both nod and Isak turns his head to look out the window, what if Jonas and Malin have the same questions stuck in their mind as Isak.

When he's doing better why didn't he call me, why didn't he text me? 

The drive to Jonas’ and back to Malin's is silent, and Isak appreciates it, he needs the silence to think.

****

Even flinches as he hears the house telephone ringing, he hesitates to pick it up, but as he recognizes the number on the screen, he takes the call.

“Hei Theo.” he breaths relieved in the hearer.

“Oh praise the lord, he lives.” Theo almost screams at the other end of the line “No but seriously, dude, how are you doing?”

“I’m better, thanks.” Even smiles a little , it's good to hear his best friend's voice “Why are you calling on that connection?”

“Baby your phone's off and you didn’t answer any of my calls or messages, so I thought fuck it and tried it here.” Theo explains and Even can hear that he rolls his eyes.

“Oh.” Even breaths, and if he thinks about it, he hasn’t looked at his phone for days, actually he doesn’t even know where he put it “Sorry about that, I had an episode.”

“I figured, Ev. Should I come over and keep you some company?” Theo asks and Even is thankful that he asks because he really feels like seeing him and talking to him.

“No, let’s meet at yours, I need to get out of that house a little.” Even says, after those days in bed he can really use a walk on the fresh air.

“Alright. See you in a bit.” Theo chirps and hangs up.

“Bye.” Even lays the hearer back on the kitchen counter, walks up to his room to change his clothes and makes his way to Theo.

His friend welcomes him with a big, warm hug and a friendly “Halla.”

“Hei.” Even chuckles and hugs him back.

They sit down in the living room and talk about what happened the previous weekend, about the scratched car paint, his outburst, all the shit that went down.

Theo looks with sad eyes at Even, he clears his throat and says “I’m sorry that I didn’t notice. I should’ve paid more attention.”

“Jesus T, stop it, it’s not your fault.” Even smiles reassuring at him, he hates that Theo thinks that he should've notice, that his best friend feels guilty that he didn’t notice that he was slipping, Theo has no reason to feel that way at all. He's always been such a good friend, Even couldn’t have asked for a better one, he was the only one, who didn't leave after his last episode.

“Okay.” Theo smiles weakly at him, he knits his eyebrows and asks cautiously “How's Isak handling all this?” Of course Theo is asking this, 'cause he's always worried about others and he knows how much Isak means to Even, and it's his kind, indirectly way to ask if they're still together.

“I don’t know, honestly. He’s been there when I was depressed but I didn’t really realize that, I actually thought he was a goddamn hallucination. Can you believe that shit?” Even huffs out a light laugh “I’m wracking my brain for days now and maybe I should just let it be, you know, maybe he’s better off without me. I don’t want him to be worried about me all the time, he deserves better.”

“Bullshit.” Theo says seriously and Even eyes widen a little “That boy was there when you were depressed, if you ask me, he’s strong enough to handle all that shit. He’s not better off without you, he fucking loves you, Even. I don’t know why you’re always so hard on yourself. I don’t know why you don’t want to see this, why you keep thinking that you don't deserve this, because you fucking do, man, you deserve to love and be loved.”

 

20:59

Even walks around the lake, thinking about the time he was there with Isak and Mia, he sits down at the bench not far away from the place they lay on their spread towels back then, he doesn't know why but it feels like this day happened a long time ago.

Even pulls out the phone from his pocket and presses the button to switch it on, he found it in his nightstand earlier when he got back home from Theo, he charged it but he forgot to turn it back on.

The messages flood in, a few missed calls and texts from Theo, a few from his mom and from Isak.

Even opens the conversation and scrolls down to the latest message from the other boy.

 

Isak: I hope you’re well. Call me if you feel like it. ♥

 

Oh baby.

Maybe Theo was right with what he said, maybe Isak’s really able to handle him, maybe he loves him so much that it’s enough to get through the bad times as well, maybe Even should leave his fear behind that he will hurt and destroy everyone and everything around him.

Even takes a deep breath before he types his answer, he puts the phone back in his pocket, grabs the guitar beside him and starts to play the song that's stuck in his head, since Isak whisperlike sang its words in the silent of Even's room.

 

The weight of a simple human emotion
Weighs me down more than the tank ever did
The pain, it's determined and demanding
To ache, but I'm okay...

...And I don't want to let this go
I don't want to lose control
I just want to see the stars with you
And I don't want to say goodbye
Someone tell me why
I just want to see the stars with you...

 

****

Isak’s restless since they came back home from their little trip to Even's house, and he’s annoyed of the worried glances Malin's shooting at him since then, so he decides to get out of the house and go for a walk.

Maybe he’ll find some peace at his spot, he walks there and sits down at the big, flat rock, it’s a little windy, so Isak zips up his hoodie before he sits down, cross legged.

He throws little rocks in the water, trying to get rid of his annoyance and his grumpiness. It's already been more than four hours since he was there and still no message or call from the other boy. Maybe Ida just forgot to tell him, she's probably pretty busy at work, she has more important stuff to the do at the hospital than telling her son that Isak showed up this afternoon.

Isak can still feel the disappointment weighing on him that Even wasn't home and out there with one of his friends and he kinda and there was a part of him that feared that Ida lied and Even just simply didn’t want to see him.

He grabs his phone out and stares at the screen, he searches for Even’s contact, he takes a deep breath before he hits the call button. And again the call goes right to the voice mail and Isak hangs up, once more he feels defeated, he exhales loudly and types a text.

This was the last time I tried to call him and this is the last text I'm going to send.

Isak turns the phone in his hand a few times, there’s music coming from somewhere near the lake and for a second Isak thinks it’s the sound of Even’s guitar and his voice, he brushes that idiotic thought away, he misses the other boy so much that he already starts to imagine things.

He twitches as the phone in his hand pings and he almost drops it, he quickly unlocks the screen and when he sees Even’s name on the screen he swallows hard, he takes a deep breath and opens the message.

 

Even: My love, I’m sitting at the place where you first kissed me in public, where we spent a wonderful afternoon together. Soon it’ll be 21:21 and I want to tell you a thousand things. I’m sorry for yelling at you, I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for lying and not telling you that I’m bipolar right away. I was scared of losing you, baby. I hope in all the universes it's this one where you can forgive me. I love you, Even.


Isak stares at the screen, the music fills his ears and then it hits him like a truck, he jumps up from the rock and starts to run.

It's him, it's Even.

He follows the sound of Even's guitar and his voice, he almost stumbles over his feet as he realizes that Even's singing the song he sang to him on Friday, so he heard him even though he was sleeping.

When he gets closer and sees Even in the distance he slows his steps.

...Don't give it up just yet
Stay grand for one more minute,
Don't give it up just yet
Stay grand

And I don't want to let this go
I don't want to lose control
I just want to see the stars with you
And I don't want to say goodbye
Someone tell me why
I just want to see the stars with you

With you
 

Isak walks towards the other boy and breaths out a quiet “Even.” It's barely a whisper and the older boy hasn't noticed him yet.

Even's sitting on the back of a bench, he finishes his playing, his eyes still pinned at the lake, Isak slowly walks closer, nervously playing with the sleeves of his hoodie.

Then eventually Even turns around, he startles a little when he sees Isak standing behind him, just a few steps away.

Isak walks slowly closer, in the corner of Even's lips appears something like the attempt of a smile, and his eyes are so goddamn blue, and once more Isak thinks he could drown in them and no he wouldn't even mind.

Even stands up from the bench and somewhere in the middle they meet, Even studies Isak's face, it seems like he wants to get sure that Isak's actually here and not just an imagination.

Isak cups Even's face with his hands, his thumb gently caressing his cheeks, his touches are feathery-light, but Even leans in the touch nevertheless. Isak leans his forehead against Even's and both boys close their eyes for a few breaths.

It's silent around the lake, there's only a dog barking somewhere around the neighborhood and a child screaming for its mother in the distance.

Isak opens his eyes and looks right into Even's, blue, so fucking blue, Isak missed that blue so much.

He leans forward, Even's lips slightly part and he inhales shakily, when Isak places tiny feathery kisses on the older boy's cheeks and his forehead – his lips just lightly brushing over Even's skin.

Isak leans his head a little back so he can look in Even's eyes again, his right hand wanders down to Even chest, it comes to rest right where the other boy's heart is beating, Even's eyes follow Isak's hand, he takes a deep breath and looks back up in Isak's eyes.

“I'm sorry that I didn't have the guts to speak out what I thought when you told me about your bipolar. I'm sorry for being an insensitive asshole, I was speaking without thinking, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, babe, with all my fucking heart and nothings gonna change that.” Isak whispers his words carefully in the silence of the night, deeply looking into Even's eyes.

Even's hand's now lying on Isak's and he gently squeezes it before he closes the distance between their lips and kisses the younger boy. It's one of these kisses which slowly puts the broken pieces of Isak together, it's healing and full of unspoken words and Isak hopes that it feels the same for Even, that it's at least as half as healing as it is for him.

They break apart and Isak only realizes that tears are slowly running down his cheeks as Even carefully wipes them away with his thumb and whispers “Don't cry, baby.”

“Sorry for being such an idiot.” Isak breaths and leans in his touch.

A font, little smile graces Even's lips as he says “We're both idiots.”

Isak huffs out a weak chuckle and then he pulls Even in a warm hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy and holding him as close as he can.

****

Mandag 02:03

Even's fingers are brushing through Isak's blond soft curls, the other boy's eyes are closed, he let's out a quiet sigh as Even traces his lower lip with his index finger, his eyes flutter slowly open, a smile appears on his lips and he whispers “Hei.”

“Hei baby." Even smiles, leans forward and pecks Isak's lips, Even studies Isak's face and whispers "Mom told me you were here when I was down.” Even whispers, his head leaned on his hand.

“Hmm.” Isak humms, a light frown appears on his forehead “You can't remember?”

“I thought I only imagined it, like I had some hallucinations or something.” Even admits and bites down his bottom lip.

“Oh.” Isak breaths “I read somewhere that cuddling might help to keep you kinda grounded or something like that, so I thought I might give it a try.” A gorgeous blush colors his cheeks.

“It helped, baby.” Even smiles, gently caressing Isak's cheek with the back of his hand.

Isak smiles “Did you hear what I said?” Isak asks, leaning in Even's touch.

“Yes and I heard you singing.” a wide grin graces Even's lips now.

Isak's eyes widen a little “Oh God, I thought you were asleep.” the blush on his cheeks gets even darker and he buries his face in the pillow.

“It was really sweet, baby.” Even huffs out a light laugh and strokes his fingers gently down Isak's back and places a kiss on Isak's curls.

Even snuggles closer to Isak and hold him close, Isak comes out of his hiding and buries his face in Even's neck, he places a kiss there and mumbles “I love you, Ev.”

“And I love you.” Even smiles in Isak's hair and runs his fingers through it.

It doesn't take long 'til Isak falls back asleep under Even's soft touches, and Even watches him for a while, and then he dozes off, but he wakes up about three hours later.

He doesn't feel like sleeping anymore, the happiness and sheer love in his heart make it impossible, and it's really because of that.

Even cautiously slips out the bed, puts on some sweatpants and a hoodie and climbs on the awning in front of Isak's bedroom.

He sits down, wraps his arms around his knees and rests his head on them, his eyes are looking out in the distance, a smile graces his lips, a new day is about to come – a new start.

He can remember the first night he spent at their new house, that Friday night he played on his little balcony, asking himself when the time would come and he would be the lucky one.

Not knowing that he was right on the way to become the luckiest guy out there, 'cause he got to meet that beautiful boy from next door and they fell in love, sure it wasn't easy it'll probably never be, but it was more than worth it – all the pain and heartbreak was worth in the end, 'cause it meant that it's Isak and Even now, and if Even's lucky enough it's gonna be Isak and Even forever.

He feels the soft, warm touch of a hand on his shoulder, Even turns his head and meets Isak's still tired looking, green eyes, but there's a font smile on his face.

Isak's wrapped in the duvet, he sits down beside Even and snuggles close, he wraps one end of the duvet around Even, embracing him in his warmth.

He places a soft peck on Even's cheek and leans his head on his shoulder, Even wraps an arm around the younger boy, places a kiss on his temple and leans his head on Isak's.

“It's beautiful. The sun rise.” Isak mumbles, his voice still tired and a little hoarse.

“Yeah, it's a new day.” Even whispers with a smile.

“A new start.” Isak turns his head to look at Even and there's a small smile on his lips before he leans in and brushes their lips together.

Chapter Text

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true: I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know: with everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment, you know
'Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show that I won't let go


February 12th 09:48

Isak loves mornings, on which he wakes up before Even does, on which he gets the chance to see the precious boy next to him slowly driving out of sleep. It’s quiet in the house, and the only noise in the room is Even’s steady, deep breath.

He gently traces the moles on Even's neck with his index finger, his fingertip barely touching Even’s pale skin.

Even looks so young and carefree, half of his face buried in his pillow, hair softly framing his beautiful relaxed, face, Isak wouldn’t mind lying here and watching him like this for the rest of time.

You would never guess that this boy has been through so much, not only because of his mental illness but also because of people who treated him badly in the past. Especially that Frederik guy, the flaming anger he felt that morning on the awning when Even told him about the man is still flickering in his stomach whenever his name is mentioned, but that doesn’t happen a lot, fortunately.

Isak’s mind dives back to that night in late September when he ran like a scalded cat to find Even at the lake, he can remember every touch and kiss shared that night and every word spoken the morning after, out on the awning in front of Isak’s room.

Even always refers to that day as the ‘new beginning’ and Isak uses to roll his eyes at this, but actually it feels the same to him – it was the day when they found back together, both of them finally ready to take whatever the universe was planning for them.

Isak even thought that all that shit that went down between them, before it even really started, brought them somehow closer, it was rough, but it didn’t change the way they feel for one another, maybe it was the universe's odd way to show them that they're meant for each other, that they can make it through the tough times as well.

.

That September morning on the awning

Isak thought they would talk under the cloud of night in his room, because he always thought sharing secrets and feelings felt safer surrounded by the dark than in bright daylight. But they didn't talk that night, there weren't many words, just kisses, touches and simply breathing each other in. But both boys knew that they needed to talk, or else this whole thing couldn't work, no matter how good the universe meant it with them.

And they did. They were sitting out there on the awning in front of Isak's room, talking while the sun rose from the horizon, and a while after that. They talked as a new day slowly came to life. A new beginning.

Even told Isak about the mess with Frederik, and it took him all he had inside to not stand up, track that fucker down and punch him in his face.

He never touched me, he did it all with his words and actions. He managed to sneak his way in my brain and he used all my insecurities against me. He even triggered my first episode.” Even’s eyes were pinned at the distance, Isak couldn’t read the expression on his face, but it most likely looked like Even was ashamed, ashamed that he let his mother’s ex fuck with his mind.

He played my mom against off me, he told her to shunt me off to a clinic, to let others take care of ‘that problem’ – which I obviously was for him.” Isak swallowed hard at this words, so Frederik had seen Even as a problem that should had been solved by someone else. Isak had a real hard time to imagine that Ida, that lovely, caring woman, had been with someone like that, someone so cold and cruel. 

I thought he wanted to help me when he said I should take a move on my friend, I had a crush on, he encouraged me with things like ‘Son, I saw the way he looks at you, that’s not how best friends look at each other.’ And I was so naïve to believe him, I didn’t see the evil behind his plan – I was manic after all and it sounded like the best fucking idea ever.” Even turned his head to look at Isak, and Isak studied his face, a sad smile spread on Even’s lips and he added All went to hell after that, I lost some of my best friends and I was so embarrassed about what I did, I haven’t spoken to them since that day.”

Isak cupped Even’s face with his hands and caressed his cheeks with his thumbs, Even leaned in the touch and closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking a shaky breath.

There was child’s laughter coming from the streets, and Isak thought that it didn’t quite fit that morning, not right after the words Even just had spoken.

Even opened his eyes again, looking in Isak’s, green locked with blue.

Why didn’t your mom do anything?” Isak blurted out, the words were out before he even could form an appropriate sentence, it went out way too blunt and Isak was scared that Even would take it the wrong way, but fortunately he didn’t.

Even sighed and a slight frown appeared on his forehead before he said “Fred hid this all very well from my mom, she didn’t notice that I was manic, he always covered my manic behavior. And I don’t blame her, he was pretty good at manipulating, you know.”

Isak slowly nodded, but there’s still a tiny part in him that thinks that a mother should know when something was up, especially when her husband had fought with similar issues, but maybe it was true what they say after all, and love was blind.

She came to me two days after I kissed Mikael, she eventually noticed that I hadn’t slept and eaten in a while. She immediately knew what was wrong, she had seen it before, with my dad.” Even sighed and ran his fingers through his hair “She asked me a few odd questions and we ended up in a huge fight, I literally exploded – not one of my proudest moments, to be honest.”

Isak already thought, that mania causes Even to react heavier and louder than he usually would – he had experienced it that night at the parking garage.

What happened then? Did she bring you to a hospital?” Isak asked cautiously.

The next day after that fight I crashed, and it was bad, really bad. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week, then my mom took me to the hospital to get some medication and stuff.” Even answered, he nervously started playing with the watch around his wrist.

Isak’s eyes followed the movement of Even’s hand, he took a sharp breath before he took Even’s hand in his and gently shoved the watchstrap a bit aside. He swallowed hard as he saw the thin faded lines on Even’s wrist, he looked back up to Even’s face, his look was averted as if he was ashamed that Isak saw that part of him.

Did you try to…?” Isak asked, his voice barely a whisper.

No.” Even shook his head “I just wanted to feel something again. Anything. I was tired of feeling numb.”

It was silent after that confession, sadness washed over Isak's body and he didn't know what to say, he studied Even's profile and breathed “Babe, I...”

Even turned his head “Sorry I didn't mean to make you sad. I shouldn't have...” Even swallowed, sucked in his bottom lip and started nervously biting on it, looking back out in the distance.

Isak's fingers ghosted over the thin lines on Even’s wrist, then they slowly wandered down to his hand and he intertwined their fingers, Even looked down at them and then up in Isak's face, Isak had a small, reassuring smile on his lips as he said “Babe, you can tell me everything, I'm not here for only the good things, I want it all. I want all of you.” And he really meant it.

Even mirrored his smile and leaned forward to place a kiss on Isak's lips “I love you.” and then Isak pulled Even in a hug, he held him close and tight, he would hold him as long as Even wanted to be held, and Isak hoped that it would be for the rest of their lives.

They watched the sun rising, 'til the neighborhood slowly came to life, 'til people started heading to work, 'til the streets started to get busy.

You're the bravest person I've ever met, Ev.” Isak said and leaned his head against the older boys shoulder.

You think?” Even asked, whispering.

Yes.” Isak answered honestly, Even was the bravest person he knew, fighting with his mental illness and still being that wonderful, kind and bright person “I love you.”

I love you too.” Even said, reaching their still intertwined hands up to his mouth and placing a kiss on the back of Isak's hand.

I was scared that your feelings weren't real, I thought maybe you had been manic all this time.” Isak admitted at one point, because he wanted to speak that out, because he wanted Even to know about his insecurities “And then you didn't answer my calls and my texts. I really thought...” Isak swallowed down the last part of the sentence.

Even's head turned and he looked at Isak with wide eyes “Baby...” he breathed, he shifted and turned so he could look at Isak, he cupped his face and said “I really do love you, Is. I'm sorry that I put you through all this.”

Isak looked in his blue eyes, so blue, and he smiled at him “It's okay, I know now.”

I just thought that maybe you're better off without me.” Even breathed and it broke Isak's heart, how can he even think of that.

Isak knitted his eyebrows and he said maybe a little too loud for that quiet morning on that awning “Bullshit, Even.” Even startled a little at this words and Isak lowered his voice as he continued to speak “I'm not better off without you, don't even think that.”

Even looked away, Isak laid his fingers under the other boy's chin and turned his head back to look at him “I love you and your bipolar doesn't change shit for me, okay? So stop saying and thinking stuff like that.”

Even studied Isak's face, that look of pure admiration mixed with a little surprise in his eyes, Isak repeated whispering “Okay?”

The older boy nodded “Okay.” and Isak nodded as well, a little smile gracing his lips.

Even wrapped his arm around Isak's back and scooted closer, he placed a kiss on Isak's temple and both boys looked out in the distance, letting the words sinking in.

After a while Isak broke the silence I want you to promise me something.”

Everything you want.” Even said, brushing his fingers through Isak's soft hair.

We need to talk to each other.” Isak breathed, leaning in Even's touch.

We're talking right now.” Even huffed out a small laugh and Isak rolled his eyes.

He turned his head and looked at Even with a serious expression on his face “No seriously, Even. We need to fucking talk to each other, about stuff, no matter how uncomfortable and awkward it might be.”

Even studied Isak's face for a few seconds, his expression so soft and full of love, Isak almost melted under the other boy's gaze, he slowly “I promise.”

Okay.” Isak nodded and buried his fingers in Even's soft hair and pulled him closer to kiss him.

.

A smile dances on Isak's lips as he brushes his fingers slowly through Even's soft, dark blond hair. Whenever he's watching Even sleeping – what he does quite often but no one needs to know – he thinks the universe did right to bring them together and he can't imagine a single universe in which they aren't together.

You're my universe. You're my everything.

As Isak gently brushes a strand out of Even's face behind his ear, a smile appears on Even's lips and he blinks his eyes open.

“Gratulerer med dagen, babe.” Isak breaths and leans forward to kiss him, Even's smiling in the kiss, and Isak loves it when his boyfriend does this, so he keeps kissing him.

“Good morning, baby.” Even breaths on Isak's lips.

“What do you want to do today?” Isak asks, his thumb caressing Even's cheek.

“Can we just stay in bed all day?” Even smiles fondly.

“Sure. We can do that 'til evening.” Isak slightly nods, with a smirk on his face and leans forward to brush their lips together again.

“But that's not the whole day.” Even whines while he places kisses down Isak's neck.

“Theo and I might've organized something for tonight.” Isak chuckles, Even stops the kissing and gets back up to look in Isak's eyes, Even narrows his blue ones a little.

“It's your 20th birthday, babe. We have to celebrate it.” Isak rolls his eyes and places a soft peck on Even's lips.

"Okay fine." Even nods, a genuine smile gracing his lips.

"But for now.." Isak leans over and places kisses down Even's neck, his hand slowly wandering down Even's soft side and he whispers with a low voice "..it's just the two of us, babe." 

 

23:39 

Even's standing with Theo and Eva at the side of the dance floor, they're in a club called XYX, it's pretty loaded, people are dancing and everything and everyone is sweaty and the air in there is kinda muggy, but Even and the others don't care, 'cause they're having a great time.

Even turns his head as he hears Isak barking out one of his hearty laughs, he watches Isak as he's listening to Magnus, who's telling him and Mahdi a story with his hands and feet. Even pulls out his phone and types a quick message.

 

Even: Fy faen

Even: You look so hot tonight

Isak: Just tonight? Rude

Even: I'm thinking about the thing you did in the shower

Isak: FUCK EVEN

Isak: Now I have a boner

Even:

Isak:

 

As Even looks up from his phone, Isak's already walking towards him, a smug grin on his face, Isak wraps an arm around his waist and places a kiss on his cheek "Halla."

"Halla, baby." Even smiles and brushes his thumb over Isak's cheeks, the younger boys face is hot and flushed from the beer and the heat in there.

Isak licks his lips and leans closer to press a kiss on Even's neck and he whispers "I can do it again." A shudder runs down Even's spine and suddenly the air feels even hotter in there.

Even looks at Isak with a half open mouth, he doesn't know what to say, and obviously there's no need to, 'cause Isak grabs his hand and pulls him towards the back exit of the club. Isak opens the door and the cold, fresh February air brushes against their faces, they're standing in an allay at the back of the club.

Isak smirks at him and presses Even against the wall and kisses him, first sweet and soft and then hungry and needy. "I love you so fucking much." Even breaths on Isak's lips between their kisses.

And Even can't remember that he ever had a better birthday. What could be better than being pressed against a wall and kissed senseless by the man of your dreams? 

 

21st June 09:57

“Gratulerer med dagen, baby.” the other slightly shivers as Even whispers these words in his ear, a smile appears on Isak's lips and he slowly blinks his eyes open.

Even smiles brightly at Isak and like always his heart starts to beat a little faster and almost bursts with love for the other boy when he smiles back at him.

You're the best thing in my life.

He leans forward and starts to place tiny kisses all over Isak’s face.

“Stop it, Ev.” Isak huffs out laugh and tries to push him away, but Even can tell that he's not putting great effort in doing so, and Even has the theory that Isak secretly loves being showered with little kisses, so he keeps going, and Isak keeps chuckling.

“I love you, Is.” Even whispers and looks into Isak’s eyes, blue locked with green, and whenever Isak looks at him the way he does now, Even knows that Isak holds the same love that he does for him.

This look filled with fondness and simply love shows Even that they did the right thing a few months ago, that they did the right thing in giving this a chance.

“I love you too, babe.” Isak smiles and brushes a strand from Even’s forehead, studying the older boy’s face.

Even’s smile grows wider at these words, he leans down and brushes their lips together, and Isak pulls him closer to deepen the kiss even more.

There’s a knock on the door and Isak lets out a sigh as Even ends their kiss, Isak leans up a bit in bed and shouts “Yes?”

“Morning birthday boy, time to get up, your mom’s already waiting.” Ulyana’s friendly voice sings at the other side of the door.

“Give me 5 minutes.” Isak let’s his body fall back on the mattress, Even smiles down at him.

“I’m counting.” Ulyana chuckles and Even can hear her leaving and heading down the stairs.


Ulyana's a really lovely, middle scent woman from the Ukraine, she helps Isak's mother four days a week with stuff like grocery shopping, doing the laundry and other chores, but she's also here to keep Marianne company. They talk a lot and Ulyana got Marianne to start knitting - she says knitting keeps the mind occupied and calm.

Ulyana's a true tremendous boon to the Valtersen household and her presence brings something calm to the house. Much to Even's surprise it took Isak less than a week to embosom Ulyana, to Even it seems like they have kind of a bond.

Isak falls in every hug she gives him, he doesn't even snap at her when she pinches his cheeks, no he hasn't even rolled his eyes at her, not once. Maybe he's thankful that Ulyana is doing such a great job with helping his mother, and somehow she even managed to make the absence of Isak's father more bearable for him and his mother.

Even wags his eyebrows and smiles “5 minutes is quite a challenge.”

Isak huffs out a laugh and gently shoves Even's shoulder “No challenges. My mom's waiting and I don't want to upset her. So let's get up.”

Even pouts and pulls Isak back in his arms as he tries to get out of bed, Even places tiny kisses all over Isak's face again and Isak chuckles “Why are you like this? Ev, stop it.”

They're rolling around the bed, play wrestling, both of them laughing like the dorky idiots they are. Isak lets out a few embarrassing noises as Even tries to tickle him and Even laughs even louder 'cause he loves it when his boy is so carefree and happy.

Somehow Isak manages in the mess of their long limbs to gain the upper hand, he's straddling Even, he chuckles breathlessly and pins Even's hands beside his head, he looks down at him with a smug half grin.

Even raises one of his brows, hoping Isak gets the hint, and obviously he does 'cause he leans down, but only to place a quick peck on Even's lips “Come on get up.” He climbs from Even's lap and off the bed and starts to put on some sweatpants and a shirt.

“You're a fucking tease, Is.” Even exhales loudly and runs his fingers through his hair “I guess I have to go downstairs with a fucking boner, huh?”

“Yes.” Isak smirks and throws a shirt in Even's face “Get up, babe.”

“Fine.” Even groans, grabs the shirt and lifts his upper body from the mattress to put it on.

He rolls off the bed and grabs some sweatpants from Isak's wardrobe, while he puts them on he can see Isak in the corner of his eyes, he's slightly shaking his head with a grin on his face.

Isak heads towards the door, but before he can open it, Even grabs his arm and turns him around, a challenging smile on his lips. He moves closer, pushing Isak backwards 'til his back is pressed against the door.

Isak's mouth falls open a little, but before he can complain Even kisses him, the kiss is sweet and slow first, but it quickly becomes hungry and needy, Isak pulls on Even's hair and Even moans in his mouth. Even's thumb brushes over Isak's cheek, down his throat, and his lips follow down that track.

Isak leans his head back and breaths “Fuck, Even.”

Even smiles against Isak soft skin, that's right where he wanted Isak to get, not only the younger boy can be a tease, Even can be as well. He places a last open mouthed kiss on Isak's collarbone, and a quick peck on his lips before he smirks “Now we're even, baby.”

Isak huffs out a small chuckle and shoves Even lightly away from him “Asshole.”

Even winks, at least he tries to do so, and says “Come on let's go down, your mom's waiting.”

“Good morning.” Even beams as he walks in the kitchen, and Isak's mum and Ulyana mirror his bright smile, he slightly squeezes Marianne's shoulder “Can I give you a hand?”

She places her hand on his and lightly squeezes back “Thanks honey, it's okay.”

How are you? I'm fine.

“Hei mamma.” Isak smiles as he walks in the kitchen, he walks up to her to the stove and places a kiss on her cheek.

“Happy birthday, Issy.” Marianne pulls him in a tight hug, and Even needs to hide his grin, he can see that Isak's worried about still present boner in his pants.

Isak keeps the sweet smile on his face, though Even can tell that he'd love to flip him off, as Marianne and Ulyana focus on preparing the breakfast again, Isak turns his head and makes a face at Even.

God, I love you so much.

The table is stuffed with waffles, cinnamon buns, fruits and other stuff, it really looks mouthwatering and Even can't wait to start digging in the delicious food.

“Just a bite.” Isak pouts and looks with puppy eyes at his mom "It's my birthday."

Marianne gently claps his hand away and lightly laughs “No. We wait 'til Malin and Mia are here.”

“Oh they're coming over?” Isak asks and now Even can understand why there's more food than usual on the table.

“Yes, I invited them, I hope that's okay.” Marianne asks, her eyes scanning Isak's face.

“It's great, mamma.” Isak smiles and lightly squeezes her shoulder, Even catches Ulyana's eye and they share a smile, both of them touched by the endearing moment between mother and son.
 

21:21

Isak’s walking out of Even’s living room, down the terrace towards the pool, where his friends are gathered around, some of them talking animated to each other, some of them simply chilling around or in the pool. Isak smiles to himself, it’s the first birthday since years, on which he's actually happy and doesn’t feel alone, though he’s surrounded by people.

It's the first birthday in years that actually feels like a special day, that feels like it's worth to celebrate it and not even the fact that his father hasn't shown up can lessen Isak's excitement today. 

He stops at the other end of the pool and watches Even, Sana and Theo having a quite animated conversation, a smile dances on his lips and he pulls his phone out his pocket and types a text.

 

Isak: Fy faen

Isak: You’re so beautiful

Even: It's 21:21

Isak: I was born at 21:21

Even: For real?

Isak: Yes.

Even: I have a boner now

Isak: I'm having kind of a flashback

Even: FUCK ISAK

Isak:

Even:

 

Isak looks back up from his phone, to look at Even, but the other boy isn’t there anymore, a frown appears on Isak's forehead and he turns his head to look for him. Then he feels long arms wrapped around him from behind, Isak turns around to meet Even’s blue eyes, he raises one of his brows and smirks at the other boy “Hei.”

"Halla." Even breaths on the younger boys lips and leans closer to press his lips against Isak’s.

Even takes the phone from Isak’s hand and puts on a table beside them, Isak knits his eyebrows and looks questioningly at him, but Even doesn’t say anything he just smiles brightly at Isak before he grabs his hand and pulls him towards the pool.

Before Isak can even realize what’s happening, he’s already diving, feet forward, into the chill blue of Even’s pool.

As he comes back to the surface, he laughs and splashes water at the older boy “What the fuck, Ev.”

Even swims towards him, places his hands on Isak’s waist and smiles “Gotta keep the tradition – kissing the man of my dreams in a pool at 21:21.”

Isak flushes – yes, even after months Even manages to draw a blush on Isak’s cheeks – he tries to hide his blush with rolling his eyes, and he breaths “You’re so fucking cheesy.”

“And you love it, baby.” Even smiles and rubs his nose against Isak’s.

Isak doesn’t care that all his friends are probably looking at them, he doesn’t care that his clothes are soaking wet, the only thing he cares about in this right moment, is looking right into his eyes, Isak wraps his arms around Even’s neck and whispers “I love you so fucking much.” before he brushes their lips together.

And this is definitely the best birthday Isak ever had. What can be better than being kissed in a pool by the man of your dreams at 21:21?