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Everything I Have To Lose

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He’s sitting on the couch in her office when she walks in, sharp, yet light, blue eyes watching her as she gives a soft sigh and heads over to her desk, picking up some folder that was sitting there. She doesn’t even know what she’s reading, but she picks up a pen and writes words down anyway, anything to avoid his gaze.

She hears the rustle of his clothes, so she can only assume he’s standing, and she vaguely hears the sound of him shoving his hands in his pockets. She swallows, she really doesn’t want to do this.


He’s only said one word, but a shiver still makes its way down her spine.

She lets out another sigh, before deciding she might as well talk to him;


She knows he’s smiling somewhat, she can hear it in his voice as he speaks once more.

“We didn’t really get a chance to talk today.”

She knows, and nods in agreement.

That was on purpose she thinks.

“Yeah. I’ve been avoiding you.”

He stops before speaking, a playful tone in his voice, yet she can still hear the small crack when he does.

“That whole swing thing wasn’t good enough, right? Cause I can do better.”

She thinks for a split second, after feeling his gaze on her, before she decides to put down the folder on her desk. She turns to face him, hands behind her and brown gaze elsewhere.

Anywhere but him.

“It was perfect.”

She hears him falter, and she can hear the smile in his voice with the next words that spill from his lips, can see his eyes crinkle, sparkle with the light from above them, despite the room being somewhat dimmed.

“It was?”

She looks up and she sees the smile that’s currently tugging at his lips, she can see the slight freckles that splatter softly across his cheeks.

“Maybe the best date I’ve ever had.”

She can see his blue eyes shining, the way they always do when he looks at her and think she’s not looking.


Her head falls forward as she nods and her lips form a ‘yeah’, before her gaze is on the floor and he’s speaking again.

“Great. That’s great.”

She looks back up, and he’s looking at her with his blue eyes sparkling, smile playful on his lips.

The same smile he had the night before.

The same sparkle that was in his eyes the previous night, reminding her of the stars that twinkled happily above her as he brought his lips to hers, and she felt the brush of his mustache and his beard, but it’s the best thing she’s felt and tasted in so long.


She sees him falter, the stars dulling just slightly in his eyes, no longer that happy twinkle from before.

He steps closer to her, and then another, before he’s only a foot away from her, but her gaze isn’t on him. It’s on the floor beneath them, but she knows him by now, she knows he’s confused.

“That’s not great.”

She can imagine his eyebrows as they furrow slightly in confusion. Like when he figures out a piece of evidence that doesn’t make any sense to him.

“How can a great date not be great?”

He takes a step closer and she takes a deep breath, before the words and her thoughts spill from her lips, as if she had no control.

“Because it was supposed to fall flat. That way, we’d both know that this wasn’t meant to be, and we’d go back to the way we were before.”

She sees his blue gaze as it watches her face intently, eyes flicking to different spots every few seconds. It’s a minute before he speaks.

“I don’t like the way it was before.”

She doesn’t know what number sigh this is, but she does know it’s one of the many she’s already done in a short span of time.

“Look, Brennan is my best friend ..and..Zack is..”

She pauses, a laugh bubbling and dying on her lips.

“Whatever the hell he is. And when this goes wrong, it- it pulls everybody else into it. And what the great date tells that when it goes wrong-”

She falters, but he’s still watching her.

“It’ll go really, really wrong.”

She nods, because he finally gets it.


She’s aware that he hasn’t stopped watching, but she still speaks anyway, needing to make sure he understands completely.

“So, we go back, right? Friends.”

The sparkle and shine are no longer present in his eyes, in fact, they’ve darkened, almost reminding her of sapphires, instead of the usual aquamarines she’s used to seeing everyday.

However, he nods anyway.

“Sure. Friends.”

She thinks that’s the end of it, as her brown gaze is kept somewhere other than on him. She thinks for a split second, that he’ll grab his bag and leave, and not look back, and they can come back tomorrow and go back to what they used to be. Coworkers, colleagues. But, of course, that’s not what he does, and instead he steps forward, a question on his lips.

“Just one question.”

She doesn’t dare look up, because if she does..

“What if it doesn’t end that way? What if it doesn’t go wrong?”

If she does, she doesn’t know if she can bring herself to make him leave after that. She doesn’t know - if she looks up - if she can bring herself to tell him the next thing that leaves her lips.

So she doesn’t. Instead, she gives another sigh, and tells him one more time.


She knows his eyes are fixated on her face, searching, wanting her gaze to meet his, for brown earthy tones to meet blue crystal ones, like waterfalls in a forest.

And finally, he steps back and turns somewhat to grab his bag and swing it over his shoulder, and he’s leaving, gaze nowhere near her face, nowhere on her face, in fact, he leaves without a second glance to her, and she can only watch, as the only thing that has made her feel so alive, leave.