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Secret Admirer

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Valentine’s Day. It was yet another thing of this modern world that Killian had never heard of. He didn’t really care, either – that is until the whole town was talking about it and everything was decorated with hearts, creating a warm and lovey-dovey atmosphere in Storybrooke. All of that had perked Killian’s curiosity. So when he met David for lunch at Granny’s like they did every once in a while (something Killian found himself looking forward to a lot, every single time), he couldn’t help but ask what this day was all about.

As he learned from David that it was a day where lovers show their appreciation for one another by buying gifts and going on dates, Killian’s heart sank a little because he didn’t have anyone to give that kind of appreciation to. It’s not like he hated being single, he had been for most of his life and had gotten used to it. But sometimes seeing people happy in relationships made him envious in a way, and the idea of Valentine’s Day sounded romantic. And maybe, just maybe, Killian was a bit of a romantic at heart.

Then David said something that gave him an idea. “It’s also a day where people express their love or affection for someone with a letter. A Valentine’s Card. Some people do it anonymously, some don’t, but the mystery of not knowing who sent you the letter is pretty much what makes it so special. It’s like a secret admirer kind of thing.”

And that’s how Killian found himself up late at night on the 13th of February, feeling like a bloody teenager with a crush while making yet another attempt at writing a Valentine’s letter. His floor was scattered with crumpled up pieces of paper, all previous attempts that, in his mind, weren’t good enough. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. He spent a ridiculous number of hours writing until his fingers hurt, but in the end, he was finally slightly satisfied with the outcome.

 

Dear David,

Let me start off by saying that in all honesty, I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. I don’t even know where to start. I never thought of myself as a person to write anonymous love letters, but here I am, in the middle of the night (yes, really), looking for words to tell you how I feel. Truth is, I don’t think words could ever be enough, but I’m going to try.

I didn’t expect I would ever feel like this. I’ve been in love before, I think, but it has never felt quite the same as how I feel about you. When I’m in your presence, my heart races and I get nervous, feeling like an utter fool. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It’s both terrifying and amazing at the same time, and I don’t know which of the two is stronger. Because it truly does amaze me, the way my stomach flips when you smile. The way my skin tingles when you touch my hand or shoulder. The way my heart races when my name rolls so smoothly off your lips – and the way it sinks when I realize that you, most likely, will never feel the same about me.

There aren’t many things that scare me, but confessing my love to you, David Nolan, genuinely terrifies me. That’s why I've decided to do it the only way I have the courage to – anonymously. I honestly don’t think you have any idea. Maybe it’s better that way. I would never dare to admit it out loud, anyway, but I haven’t told anyone about my feelings. Maybe I just selfishly needed to let them out. Besides, you deserve to know how I see you. You deserve to know that there’s someone out there, even though you may not know who it is, that thinks you’re utterly amazing in every way. And I genuinely think you are.

David Nolan, you are the most amazing man I know. You’re ambitious, caring, loyal, loving, courageous… and I could go on and on. Sometimes I envy you for it, because you’re a better person than I’ll ever be, no matter how hard I try. But this letter isn’t about my sulking, it’s to let you know that you are everything. To me, at least. Maybe you’ll get a dozen more of these letters, maybe you won’t, and it doesn’t matter because all that matters is that you know you’re loved. That you’re worth it. Truly, David, you deserve all the happiness in the world, and on this day, I just wanted to let you know that.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love,

Your secret admirer.

 

Killian wasn’t sure how many times he had read over his letter, he stopped counting somewhere around fifty. It was 5am and he was wide awake, trying to build up the courage to bring the letter to the sheriff station where he knew David would find it first thing in the morning.

At 5:30, he was there. He must have stood there for about fifteen minutes before he bent down, sliding half of the letter under the door and holding onto the half that was still outside the door. “Bloody hell.” He whispered to himself, knowing he couldn’t change his mind now. Not after he’d put his feelings down in words and mustered the courage to come here. Finally, he pushed the letter all the way inside, unable to reach it and get it back. There was no way out now. David would get his letter and all he hoped for was that it would make him happy. It made him nervous for some reason, even though he was quite sure David would never assume it was his.

By the time he got back to the Jolly Roger, it was 6:30am and it was light outside. The citizens of Storybrooke would be starting their day soon, meaning it was only a matter of hours before David would find the letter. Killian didn’t bother going back to bed, knowing there was no way he would manage to fall asleep with these nerves. So he simply got ready for the day and went into town, deciding to have breakfast at Granny’s. He knew he’d need to start looking for jobs soon, because he was running out of gold and he did need to keep feeding himself. He’d just have to deal with that later – right now, he had enough on his mind.

He ordered his usual blueberry pancakes – Ruby had recommended them to him once and he loved them so much he never really got anything else anymore – and a cup of tea, sliding into the first free booth he saw. “Morning, Killian. Any secret admirers yet?” Ruby asked when she placed his order in front of him, and he simply gave her a smile, shrugging. “Not yet, but it’s early. I have all the time in the world.” He grinned, not mentioning the letter he wrote – he wasn’t planning on telling anyone. Tell one person and before you know it, the whole town knows. That’s just how Storybrooke works.

So he mostly kept to himself, enjoying his food and spending a few hours at Granny’s, reading the Daily Mirror – even though he thought it was utter rubbish – and chatting to Ruby every now and then. At lunchtime, the bell rang, announcing someone had come in. “Afternoon, Ruby. My usual, please.” Killian’s entire body tensed as he heard the voice he would recognize in millions, rendering him completely frozen.

David was there. It was lunchtime. That meant he had already been at the station for a few hours, since he usually came in around 8am. Killian’s heart was racing, the knuckles of his hand turning white from how tightly he was squeezing the now rolled up newspaper.

David had undoubtedly found his letter.