Actions

Work Header

The Microcosmic Fool

Work Text:

Prologue in heaven. God is dictating his latest work. Hannibal enters.

God:
And the four angels stood at the four corners of the world
And held back the four winds that swirled.
And the first angel blew his trumpet, behold
What upon the blowing did unfold -

Hannibal:
Your angels can come blow my trumpet any time.

G:
Not you again! Bane of my existence!

H:
I need your very kind assistance,
I've done my devil's work fulltime.
It's time I got some holidays.
I've spotted a cutie with the brightest blue eyes,
Give me some time off to pursue him.

G:
Just leave me alone and go screw him.

 

Will alone, restless, at his desk.

Will:
Have now, alas, studied the evidence,
Worked the crime scene of this new incidence,
Given Jack all my promises
And unfortunately even had to talk to witnesses.
Yet I still can't catch the Ripper
And as long as I don't I'll never be chipper.
Although I am smarter than all those dumbasses
Agents, profilers, psychiatrists and Lasses,
I can't seem to find him anywhere
And he’s keeping me away from my dogs, it's just not fair.
Jack will force me to see a psychiatrist
And you know I'm not much of a conversationalist.
I admit I might have a problem with sleepwalking,
But an appointment just for talking
With a doctor probably doing malpractice?
I'd rather fuck myself with a cactus.

 

Will, taking a walk in a meadow. A poodle comes running.

W:
Who's a good boy? You're a good boy!
Let's go fast before your owner is a killjoy.
Let's race back to the car and to my shack
Where you can meet the rest of the pack.

 

Outside Will's house. He washes the poodle.

W:
Poor baby, your fur is all matted.
Don't worry, when I'm through with you, you'll be smooth as satin.
Let me wash you, feed you, groom you, comb you
You'll never want anyone else to come home to.

 

Inside the house. The poodle transforms into a man - Hannibal.

W:
What in God's name is going on?

H:
Nothing in His name, I'm here on my own.
Your hands on my fur made me quite randy
I'm rather furry in this form as well
Would you give me a handy?

W:
With such bold language, no way in hell!
What is your name? Please do tell.

H:
I am part of the part -

W:
                                 Cut the crap!

H:
                                                     - it's Hannibal
Because it's the only word that rhymes with cannibal.
By the way, have you seen the color of blood in the moonlight?
It is really quite a delight.

W:
Oh my God, are you shitting me?

H:
Stop mentioning Him or I'll have to resort to hitting you.
You've been a very rude boy
And not in the least coy.
What's to be done about that?

W:
You will stop this nonsense while you're in my flat.
Also the blood would appear quite black.
That you'd know that I'm a bit taken aback.
How familiar are you with killing?

H:
Why, I find it quite thrilling!
A recreational flaying here, a casual hanging there
It's all quite a bewitching affair.

W:
Can you pose as a doctor and assist me
Find that killer that's eluding me?

H:
I can do that but not for free.

W:
Name your price and we will see.

H:
I'll give you your killer or the means to deduce who
If you just allow me to seduce you
And if at any time as a result of my advances you get an erection,
You will allow yourself to be bedded without objection.

W:
There is no chance that you can entice me such.
We have a deal. Do we seal it with a touch?

H:
A kiss is customary.

To mention this was a lie Hannibal found unnecessary.

 

Will, Hannibal and Jack in Jack's office.

W:
Jack, this is my new therapist.

Jack:
Where'd you find him, in a ditch?

W:
I found him while kidnapping a dog, I mean rescuing.
He agreed to help me in the hunt for the Ripper that's ensuing.

J:
To get new help we are in dire need.
Let me just get you up to speed.
The last victim was found in a confessional.

H:
I am a trustworthy medical professional.

 

Will and Hannibal in Will's house.

W:
Now will you show me the Ripper's identity?

H:
I will do it to the best of my ability.
Did you know that I once won the award
For the eagerest tongue from the witches' board?
I would suck your cock like the champ I am
And make you cum with a wham.

W:
Your efforts are embarrassing.
You should rather be focussing
On upholding your part of the deal.

H:
Okay fine, cool your heels.
I know someone who can find this guy.
The only problem is we had somewhat a rough goodbye.
I don't even know what the witch's problem was,
She always loved fucking me up the ass.

W:
Take me to this person immediately
And stop talking so inappropriately.

H:
Only if you stop being such a bitch.

W:
How dare you, just take me to that witch!

H:
Tomorrow morning it shall be.
Witches need their beauty sleep.

 

Later that evening, Will and Hannibal in Will's home, drinking whiskey.

H:
I would love to have a glass or five,
If only your spirits were more nice.

W:
If you're just gonna complain,
You can leave or bring your own wine.

H:
Get me a hammer and a chisel, it'll flow right out of this table.

W:
Now you're telling me a fable.

Will brings him the tools anyway. Hannibal knocks a hole in the table and fine wine starts flowing out.

H:
A good American can't stand the French,
But their wines his thirst they quench.

W:
I didn't know the devil was a casual racist.

H:
Oh, he is almost as much as an insatiable sadist.

 

A little while later. Wine has been drunk. Hannibal's head is on Will's lap who is petting him like a dog.

H:
Will you fuck me now? My insides are like the finest velvet.
I swear on my snail garden, you will not regret it.

W:
I am happy just stroking your hair,
It's so soft and fair.
Please don't ruin my buzz
By making a fuss.

H:
I thought the wine would make him more susceptible to my advances.
Seems I have to find another way to improve my chances.

 

The next morning.

W:
Uh, Hannibal, why are you naked?

H:
I always sleep in the nude and I just awakened.
Are you not impressed with my dick?
It's plenty long and just as thick.

W:
I admit that you're not completely repulsive and you've got a nice butt
Although you'd be a lot more attractive if you kept your mouth shut.
However, if I sleep with you today,
How do I know you'll still help me and not go away?

H:
My dearest, I would never leave you.

W:
Your reputation precedes you.
And you expect me to take the devil's word?

H:
The devil not honoring his deals is unheard.

W:
Don't you have a tail? Or horns at least?

H:
I have the horns for you, you beast.
About the tails, I have two of those.
Guess which one comes down right to my toes.

W:
I have the worst mental image right now.
Anyway I can see how well you're endowed.

H:
In a long time no one's been able to resist my flirtation,
But you just won't give in to temptation.
Are you sure you don't need to see some real shrinks?
You difficult little minx.

W:
Get dressed and take me to the witch now fast.
Otherwise my good mood might not last.

 

Will, Hannibal and Bedelia in the witch's lair.

Bedelia:
Not you again! Bane of my existence!

H:
I wonder why I get that reaction with such consistence.

B:
Say, what do you want?

H:
This charming man here is a bit of a savant,
Yet he can't find that killer of at least eight
And is in dire need of some aid.

B:
I see how it is. You want to get in his pants
And you have promised him help in advance.
By yourself you can't find this murderer
So you think I'll do your work for you.
Let me make this very clear, and don't forget it:
I help you only because it's to my own benefit.
Step right over here and hold my hands
And I'll teleport you to new lands.
You'll find him there. And please abstain
From ever bothering me again.
Now come quick and get out of my hair.
I have a date with whiskey to drown my despair.

 

They hold hands. Hannibal and Will suddenly find themselves - on a street outside a church. Abigail walks by.

W:
Is she whom we seek? I thought the killer was male.
But then, my intuition has been known to fail.

H:
I tiptoed hard around the confessional box
And what I heard nearly knocked me off my socks.
The girl's name is Abigail
And last week she got an ear in the mail.
We just need to ask her who was the sender
And voila, we have your offender.
I intercepted the post for Abigail
And ate some lips that came in her mail.

W:
You ate them? What's wrong with you, Hannibal?

H:
Hey, my name doesn't rhyme with vegetarian.

W:
That's a fair point. I don't know how I missed that.
I'm the best profiler at the FBI or so they insisted.
In hindsight that might explain our minimal success
At everything including criminal arrests.

 

Will and Hannibal at Abigail's house.

H:
My lady, we are here
To inquire who sent you that ear?

Abigail:
Oh, that you ask I am glad,
Keeping that secret nearly drove me mad.
It's my dad all the way in Minnesota.
Since I moved out he's sending me my monthly quota
Of body parts. Here's his address.
And tell him I'm not impressed.

W:
If your dad's a killer, are you up for adoption?

A:
Not even if it was my very last option.
I'm not a stray dog, I'm an adult.

H:
My friend didn't mean to insult.
However, his back rubs are just divine.

A:
I choose to decline.

H:
Will, I need to show you something in the Baltimore jail.
Quick, grab on to my tail.

He grabs on.

H:
I'm getting all weak at the knees.

W:
Get this over with or I'll give it a hard squeeze.

 

Hannibal and Will teleport to the BSHCI. Chilton and Gideon.

Chilton:
Gentlemen! Consider this:
I know who your killer is.
He's told me himself the tale
How that poor girl he did impale.

Gideon:
It's true, I'm the Ripper of Chesapeake
Or so this guy told me through unorthodox technique.

W:
Damn, a minute ago we had no Ripper, now we have two.
Now how do we know which one is true?

H:
It's a simple matter,
Don't trust that dimwit's chatter.
Dr Chilton here is a moron
Who misled him before long.
My verdict: Chilton's an idiot
And the real Ripper's not Gideon.

 

Will, Hannibal and Jack at Garrett Jacob Hobbs' house.

J:
Mr Hobbs, did you kill all these people?

GJH:
Yes, I didn't know it was illegal.

W:
How can you not know killing people is wrong?

H:
Probably spent too much time with his bong.

J:
Finally we got him and he confessed.
Everybody go home, go get some rest.

 

Will and Hannibal at Will's house.

W:
Come here you sexy devil.

H:
I knew it! You find me sexy on every level.

W:
Stop being an arrogant ass and fuck me instead.
If I have to wait any longer I'll drop dead.

And they had steamy sex happily ever after.

 

THE END

 

Starring (in order of appearance)

BRYAN FULLER as GOD
HANNIBAL LECTER as MEPHISTOPHELES
WILL GRAHAM as FAUST
JACK CRAWFORD as THE BOSS
BEDELIA DU MAURIER as WITCH
ABIGAIL HOBBS as MARGARETE
FREDERICK CHILTON as PROKTOPHANTASMIST
ABEL GIDEON as IGNIS FATUUS
GARRETT JACOB HOBBS as THE RIPPER