That Time Iida Seductively Delivered Pizza
Before ever telling this story to anyone, Tenya Iida would always make sure to start it with the most magical words in the universe. Words that explain almost every outrageous actions that the human being could do. Words that can explain why houses burn down or people get charged with public indecency.
The magical, all powerful words, were of course the words he uttered to a shocked, wide-eyed Hitoshi Shinsou as they stood together in the hallway; Iida in a bright red thong, a pizza delivery hat and nothing else, holding a pizza box while Shinsou was coming back from his shift at the hero agency.
“I lost a bet.”
It had started simply, with a birthday party celebrating Uraraka’s 20th birthday. Despite the girl’s innocent looks, there was copious amount of alcohol and loud music blaring. Uraraka was a party-girl despite her bubbly demeanor, and she knew how to throw a party. It was the entirety of class 1-A together in her too-small apartment, drinking and catching up and dancing like the inflatable arm-thingies you’d see in car lots (they were too smashed to dance much better, despite Ashido joining a professional dance group in her spare time.) They had all been doing their own thing, until the loud voice of one Denki Kaminari caught everyone’s attention.
“Truth or Dare time! Everybody make a circle and bring a bottle of your choice!”
Iida, at this point too used to the classes antics to pick up on the warning signs, grabbed himself a large bottle of straight gin (which surprisingly, only he could drink without getting sick)and joined the circle being made in the living room. An empty bottle of beer was set in the center, and an immensely-drunk Kirishima quickly explained the rules.
“Alllright! To all you TOD virgins—we’re gonna spin the bottle, whoever it lands on chooses Dare if they’re a man and Truth if they’re a pussy and the people on their left and right determines their fate!” The red head laughs joyfully, grabbing himself a bottle of vodka before sitting down on the ground. Iida felt relatively safe this time around—he had Todoroki on his right and Izuku on his left. Nothing too bad could happen with these two utter sweethearts determining his fate.
The bottle landed on Izuku first, and Iida let out a breath of relief before looking on Izuku’s other side. Bakugou. Oh boy.
The blonde pulled him over while Izuku was taking a long swig of his personal bottle of tequila, spitting out a quick “Hit me with a Dare.” Iida turned to Bakugou, who had his bottle of spiced-whiskey clutched in his right fist. Bakugou could probably handle alcohol the best out of all of them (probably because of all the practice he got when he was younger, who knew the guy was so depressed) and his crimson eyes were calculating. Iida always thought those eyes were weird—didn’t somebody once ask why they used to be blue at some party? Iida couldn’t remember at the moment—but he didn’t focus on them right now because Bakugou finally lit up with what was bound to be a brilliant idea.
“Hey Glasses, ever heard of pole dancing?”
Less than 3 minutes (and about 10 shots to numb the embarrassment) later, Izuku was swinging himself around a pole of ice, courtesy of Todoroki, like rent was due the next day. The girls were losing it, and Iida had to grudging admit that his oldest friend knew what he was doing.
“Where’d you learn to do that, Izuku?!” Ojiro and Mineta called, and Izuku shrugged while he was suspended upside down with just his thighs holding him up.
“Good way to work on abs and grab some cash, All Might’s teacher recommended it. Always knew the old guy was a little creepy.” Izuku responded, swinging himself around and finishing in a split that made Iida want to cradle his balls. Ow.
Izuku hopped off the pole, grabbing his pants and slipping back into them before downing the rest of his personal bottle. Iida was anticipating the phone call the next morning pleading for him to “end my misery, god fucking damnit” already. He didn’t have long to think about it though, because it was back to the circle they went.
Next was Kaminari, who had Ojiro on one side and Tsuyu on the other. It was well known that Kaminari was less than fond of exercise, so it was to the jump ropes he went. 200 hops in a row later, the electric hero was face-down on the ground as Ojiro begrudgingly handed Tsuyu $20.
“Told you it would take him more than 5 tries.” Tsuyu smirked, pocketing the cash.
Next was Bakugou, who had Izuku’s wrath to face and Mineta on his other side. Iida felt like the other got off easy—Uraraka had a police uniform (from who knows where, Iida really didn’t want to know what she Tsuyu did in their free time) and Bakugou could just barely squeeze himself into it. The top was too short, stopping just under his pecs and leaving his entire abdomen bare. The shorts were way too tight for it to be decent, yet covered what they needed to.
Iida wasn’t drunk enough for this—he downed the rest of his gin while he ignored the next couple rounds. Alcohol poisoning could kiss his robotic-engine ass. It was just his luck though that the bottle landed on him right as he started to enjoy himself again.
“Damnit. Dare.” Iida sighed, getting up to get himself more alcohol. He didn’t think he’d particularly need it—Todoroki was an angel and so was Izuku—but he felt like it was a nice security blanket for whatever he’d inevitably end up doing.
Iida cursed himself for choosing dare by the time he came back. The entire circle was losing their shit, smiling like they had been told they were having a second Christmas.
“Alright,” Todoroki started, and Iida could see he was blushing “before we explain what you have to do, understand that I’m the nice one here.”
Iida uncorked his bottle, taking a deep swig before gesturing for the other to continue.
“We’re gonna have a bet. The entire class is gonna do body shots, and if you can get through all of them without getting uncomfortable then you don’t have to do anything else.” Todoroki then flushed, and Iida wondered what could possibly be worse than this. “If you lose though, you must buy us all pizza and then--and these are Izuku’s words, mind you-- you must ‘seductively deliver them’. How seductive is at your discretion.” Todoroki avoided eye contact while the rest of the class, the bloody traitors, laughed their asses off.
Iida could do this. He totally could.
“Fine. How far am I stripping down?”
Iida could not do this. He just could not do this.
“Mineta, if that tongue goes any farther down I’m popping your balls like grapes on my knee.” Iida warns, causing the grape-man to quickly retract his wandering tongue from Iida’s abs.
Iida had salt between his pectorals, and lime juice squirted across his entire abdominals. He’s gotten through Ojiro, Yaoyorozu, Jiro, and Ashido—and Iida really could not do this. This was single-handedly the most uncomfortable he’s ever been in his entire life, and that’s including the time he dressed up as a fairy godmother in a suit 3 sizes too small. (God that had been a weird job, Iida still had nightmares)
Fuck his life, honestly.
Next was Bakugou, who looked about as pleased about this as Iida currently felt. Those crimson eyes bored into him, and Iida felt growing discomfort well up in his chest. Bakugou started to lean down, his eyes practically glowing and Iida was feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the glower on the blonde’s face. He saw the miniature explosions in the other’s palms, which were placed precariously close to Iida’s crotch so that Bakugou could keep balance.
Nope. Nopety nopety nope. He wasn’t doing this.
“Aizawa’s Succulent Ass Cheeks!” Iida yells, barely flushing as he said the agreed-upon safe-phrase. The class paused before bursting out into laughter.
“Holy fuck you actually said it!!” Sero laughed, tears welling up in his eyes. Iida rolled his eyes, grabbing a washcloth handed to him from Yaoyorozu and wiping off everything off his upper body. He glanced up when he saw Hagakure (well, not saw but he knew she was there) handing him a bright red piece of fabric and a pizza hat.
“You don’t have to put those on now, but you need to get them on before you return!” She crooned, and Iida stared dumbly at it. It was a red, lacy thong with extra fabric around the bottom to make sure he could keep his dignity. He gawked at it, eyes darting between the underwear and the rest of his former classmates.
“Where’s the rest of it?” he stuttered, only to flush at the laughter that followed.
Iida couldn’t believe he was doing this. What kind of friends did he have? He should replace them all with decent human beings.
He had already gotten the pizzas, paying for them and slipping the boxes into his large (read: bigger than the fucking Titanic) bag before rushing into the apartment’s bathroom. He took out the supposed outfit he was supposed to wear, staring at it with one raised eyebrow before stealing his will and sliding it on.
Even with the added-fabric, the thong barely covered his dignity. The thin strip that went between his cheeks basically disappeared, never to be found again. His ass might as well have eaten it, cause it certainly wasn’t there between his ass cheeks anymore. It didn’t even feel like he was wearing anything—it felt like he was wearing air with an intrusive strap pressed up where the sun didn’t shine. He was getting a fucking wedgie why did people wear these things?!
After slipping on the delivery boy hat and snatching his bag, Iida poked his head out of the single-bathroom in the hallway of Uraraka’s apartment building. He could see Uraraka’s room at the other end of the hallway; if he ignored the now painfully-present security cameras with the no-doubt horribly confused security guard watching through it, the hallway was completely clear. Nobody would see him if he did this quickly.
Iida could do this quickly. Get it done and get it over with, right?
He drew himself back, straightening his spine before darting out of the bathroom with the use of his Quirk and getting to Uraraka’s apartment door quickly. He fumbled with his bag, sweaty hands having a hard time grasping the zipper because he had strategically positioned his bag so it covered his basically-bare ass and thus forcing him to twist himself if he wanted to avoid flashing the world.
In his haste to open his bag, he didn’t hear the elevator behind him open.
“What the fuck?”
Shinsou Hitoshi had already had an interesting day at work. He had single-handedly stopped several robberies and 3 murders, and then followed that up by going to a hospital to visit some sick children. It had been a lot of fun, but Shinsou was tired.
He wasn’t prepared to be faced with Iida Tenya and his ass (which holy shit, Shinsou never noticed how fucking firm that thing was) in a sexy pizza-delivery guy outfit. Colored Shinsou surprised, because out of all his wildest nightmares he had never pictured this happening to him today.
“I lost a bet.” Iida stuttered, cheeks brighter than the red lace on his thong. Despite how bold the other usually was, he couldn’t hold eye contact with Shinsou—Shinsou didn’t blame him.
“Clearly.” Shinsou kept his eyes firmly above the belt, staring directly ahead and towards Iida’s face to spare the other his dignity. “What exactly was this bet and what exactly are you supposed to be doing?”
Shinsou stood there in the hallway as Tenya Iida recounted the entire experience, and Shinsou agreed full heartedly that the guy probably needed better friends.
“Okay, so you have to seductively deliver them pizza—how are you going to do that?” Shinsou watched as Iida, who was actually becoming a little bit more comfortable standing there in basically nothing but his own skin, stopped in his tracks.
“I…have no clue.”
Shinsou suddenly smiled widely—he had an idea. Anybody who said Shinsou wasn’t truly a child at heart could go fuck themselves after this.
“Let me drop off my stuff. I have the best idea ever.”
Iida decided that Shinsou Hitoshi was his new best friend when he saw the other come with a vat full of pizza grease.
“What’s that for?” Iida questioned, only for Shinsou to chuckle evilly and set the vat on the ground.
“We’re gonna rub this all over you and then you’re seductively delivering some goddamn pizza while I record.”
Iida revoked said best friendship when he saw the camera.
Uraraka Ochaco liked to believe she was a good friend. A decent human being, if you will. She had her good moments and her bad moments. Earlier she had been eager and laughing her butt off at the thought of an embarrassed Iida delivering pizza in a thong, but after over 30 minutes have passed with no sign of her oldest friend she was starting to feel bad. Think back on her actions. Had they gone too far?
“You think he just left for home?” Kirishima suddenly pipes up, looking strictly worried as well. Todoroki and Izuku both were starting to look sick with worry and regret.
“I’ll…I’ll call him!” Uraraka decided, picking up her phone to call Iida and apologize profusely. She’d bake him a cake to make up for it and deliver it to work tomorrow—god this was a bad idea. She paused from hitting the ‘call’ button when the doorbell rang.
“There he is!” Kaminari cheered, looking more upbeat at the thought that Iida hadn’t decided to ditch out of hurt pride. He rushed to the door as the rest of the class crowded in the hallway, eager to see what would happen when they opened the door.
They were surprised, alright.
Iida stood there, muscles glistening and flexing as he balanced pizza slices on his shoulders and along his chest. He was holding a pizza box, opened to showcase the perfect pizza inside. His bag was positioned to obscure his pelvis, his hair slicked back.
“5 pepperonis, 2 cheese, and 4 meat lover’s grand pizzas?” Iida’s low timber of a voice barreled out, and Uraraka felt her gut clench. Was she breathing? She must’ve forgotten to breathe.
Iida bit his lip, eyes half-lidded as he gave the dirtiest fucking smirk Uraraka had ever seen on this planet.
With that image stuck very firmly in class 1-A’s mind, all of them promptly passed the fuck out.
As revenge, Iida ate all the pizza and took $20 from each of their wallets. He split the money with Shinsou, who had recorded the entire thing and uploaded it after blurring out everybody’s face. It went viral, and nobody in class 1-A ever truly recovered.