INTERNATIONAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS: UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA DIVISION
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Wednesday, July 16th
Hi internet- this is Sasha Pancha, secretary extraordinaire. I’m posting all this online in the hopes that someone will be able to find my friend Donna St. Michael. We both live in Burlington County- that's in the Philadelphia area. She was last seen on Longview Road- it’s a street in Julian Park. Small town, mostly rural area. I have reason to think she was running off into the nearby woods, and am deeply concerned for her safety. She suffers from frequent paranoid episodes, and I’m seriously worried that she’s going to get lost and hurt herself, maybe even die. For reference, she’s about six feet tall, has some broad shoulders, long dark brown hair, and a sort-of masculine face. She’s an utter sweetheart, wouldn’t hurt a fly, so don’t be afraid to get near her- just make sure that if you see her, you call it in so the police can finally bring her home.
To explain this whole mess, I’m going to have to go back in time a couple days. See, she’s gotten it into her head that internet meme thing- the “Skinny Man”or whatever he’s called- is real. She watched that show, “Marble Wasps”, and she’s convinced that she saw the skinny guy when she was a kid. (Side note: To the people who tell these stories? You’re sick , you know. You take advantage of people who genuinely suffer from paranoia, and then you tell a story that’s meant to make them think that whenever they hallucinate something, it’s the work of some baby-eating Jack Skellington knock-off. You’re a bunch of greedy hacks .)
Point is, she’s absolutely convinced that the stupid thing is real, and she ran off to go hunt it down. Or something like that- I think she was actually saying something about finding “notes”, or something like that? I don’t really get it- if other people got eaten by the thing, why would finding the notes they left behind help? Whatever. I just hope she’s okay, and not being eaten by some malevolent horror from beyond our reality that decided to look like an anorexic albino in a suit.
Thursday, July 17th
Okay, so today has been a sort of “Good news-bad news” kind of day. Good news first; Donna’s back, and she hasn’t been eaten. In fact, she seems to have gotten the worst out of her system, now that she’s gotten some fresh air and all that. She also brought back some notes all right- said that she got them from an old woman in the woods- I get the feeling that she might’ve written them herself. (Then again, they don’t really look like her handwriting...I really hope she didn’t pay money for those.)
The bad news is that now, she’s absolutely convinced that the skinny dude is really, and that she’s hot on his trail. She’s made big, weird charts and everything, and she’s reading all these stupid blogs and watching these stupid web series now. It’s been exhausting - she stays up all night long, doesn’t bother with proper sleep, and never stops pestering me about if I’ve seen “the Operator”...or something. (I thought it was called the Skinny Man? Why does it need to sound like it manages phones?)
The really weird thing is that I looked this stuff up, and it’s all really...I don’t know, exactly. Feels half-finished, I guess. There’s the monster thing, but nobody explains where he comes from, or what can kill him, or why he does what he does? I talked about it with a friend of mine who’s a bigger fan of this stuff, and he just told me “It’s part of the mystery”. When I asked him what the point of a mystery is if even the authors don’t know the answer, he just said it wasn’t about the answers, it was about the questions. After I told him that sounded to me like a lazy cop-out, he threw his hands in the air and told me maybe I could do better, if I knew so much about writing.
Ah, and now Donna’s back and trying to explain even more about Mr. Man to me. Trying to smile and nod without coming across as condescending; it’s not like she’s stupid . Honestly she’s really damned smart- got a Master’s degree in Spanish Lit. It’s just that she gets obsessed by this stuff. Like, not this kind of stuff- but this whole “Slender” mythos in particular. I know I said it’s been recent that she started getting really hyperfocused on it, but I think she was really big on consuming this stuff before. Even before I knew her, she had issues with insomnia and bouts of amnesia.
Huh, that’s new. She’s not going off to the woods again (Thank the gods I nearly had a heart attack when she did that last time), but off to Princeton (She’s a graduate.) Said something about “Getting to the root of the issue”. I guess that’s okay? She should be safe, at least. And hey, with her out of the house, I might be able to get some actual sleep!
Saturday, July 19th
Two days without sleep now- yesterday I was so paranoid I forgot to do...everything, really. Including update my journal, apparently.
So, I was really happy when she left- thought I might have some peace and quiet, sleep well, all that jazz? Yeah that was a pipe dream. I think she’s been rubbing off on me- ever since she started bombarding me with crap about Der Schlanckmann I’ve been absorbing it. Shit’s contagious, I guess. Day one after she left was okay...for a few hours, anyway. After that, well
This place is really heavily-wooded. Lots of trees and all that? Not really very pleasant when you’re getting delusions about some really skinny guy who lives in the forest and eats people. So, I’ve been dealing with that at day, and at night it just makes things worse. So, was barely able to sleep on the first day after Donna left.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but...I miss the big lug. She may have been rambling, and weird, and clearly delusionally obsessed with stupid internet creepypasta, but dammit she was reassuring . It’s something about her, I guess- you trust her. She’s the kind of person who faces life totally unconcerned about what it’s going to throw at her. (Yeah, she does it in a way that’s ridiculous , but it’s still charming dammit.)
I got a call from her yesterday- she said she’s coming back tomorrow. I really hope she gets back soon . I mean it- I think I’m actually hallucinating him now.
By which I mean, I really, really, really hope I’m hallucinating him now- actually I’m seeing him right now. Like....fuck that’s creepy. I think I need to start taking some prozac. Or something. I’m typing right now because he won’t go away and I really really want him to go away.
Monday, July 20th
So um. Things happened. I think um...I think the Operator-guy is real? Also, I know that like, yesterday I would’ve thought that saying that would mean I’d gone crazy but...yeah. I have it on tape. (Or like, I did- but then I ended up burning them. Seemed the sensible thing to do, honestly- that shit’s just disturbing. Wasn’t very well-filmed anyway.)
So um, some of you might be wondering why I’m not freaking out more? Well, Donna came back. Like, she came back right when that thing was outside and it just...it left . Like, it didn’t even teleport- I saw it walk away . (Or sort of...slither, like an octopus. I have no idea how or why it does that, really. I kind of really really don’t want to know.)
On the subject of Donna, she seems...fine? Maybe better? She came back on a motorcycle (And said the car’s being driven back by a friend- was worried she traded it in for the bike.) and it’s a really, really bad-ass looking Black Knight. (Which she claims was a gift- I really hope that isn’t just code for “stole”.) It’s covered in custom decals and has a sort of nose-art thing going on with the front painted to look like a horse head.
Now, what’s got me kind of...concerned (Aside from the whole “Holy shit the internet meme is real and it stalks the night”) is that she came back dressed up like...hmm well not a knight exactly. I’m no historian (Well, not technically at any rate) but she’s definitely got some kind of plate armor on. (Looks a lot older, though...Hellenistic, maybe?) She was, at least, wearing a proper motorcycle helmet on the ride back.
Also, she’s got a sword now- an honest-to-Venus gladius . Where the fuck did she get that ? I’m kind of confused, now- is this like, a Slender-thing? Is he from ancient Greece or some shit like that? Whatever. The sword glows, too. It’s got some kind of writing on it- like, kind of….hmm, not sure what language. I guess maybe it’s ancient Celtic runes?
Okay, now she’s saying she wants to go after him!? What the fuck is she doing? Tried to stop her, she told me that it would be best if I stayed here. Like Hell- she’s going to get herself killed!
And now she’s making me ride her bike with her, okay I’m regretting my life choices now.
Monday, July 27th
I have no idea where to start. It’s been a week, and the stuff that happened last week still hasn’t set in yet. It’s like...it’s all become some hazy dream. I feel like I missed some time, actually- like my memory was wiped, and something really horrible has been locked in my mind.
Of course, my memory wasn’t wiped- I remember exactly what happened, it’s just really really weird . I’m gonna start from where I left off last week.
So, we rode off into the darkness after Lord Weight-Loss Program, and I found out that Donna’s new bike is apparently haunted. No joke; just fucking haunted by a fucking horse . I think she called it “Boukephalos”. Like I said, no joke.
Anyway, the bike whinnied and neighed but was pretty cooperative overall; ran really well over rough country for an old motorcycle. We drove for like an hour, and eventually we reached this old mental hospital- really weird that it was there, actually. This is New Jersey; space is already kind of a premium. I guess it was like, a pocket dimension or whatever.
So, when we entered the Pocket Dimension of Derelict Mental Hospitals, Donna told me to stick with the bike while she went off alone into the place and I would’ve said no, until she explained it was so the bike could protect me. I guess that made sense to her? She went into the place without giving much more explanation, and I was left sitting there for about 20 minutes.
Eventually, the skinny guy came out and found us again, and um...I kind of panicked and got on the bike? I think Donna was counting on that, though, because then the bike started driving itself and we rammed the stupid asshole. (By the way, once I got up close I noticed his head...kind of looks like a potato. Gonna be real hard to remember why I was scared by him now that I got a good look at him.) He got pinned, and then Donna came back out with her sword.
She said some weird stuff in some dead-sounding language, and then he like….okay it was really not what I was expecting (Then again, at that point I really didn’t know what to expect). He turned into just...a guy. Like, an ordinary guy - apparently he was actually some kind of evil cannibal wizard? Donna said some shit about him being from Australia or something and honestly I thought that seemed vaguely offensive until she repeated herself and explained she meant Austra sia . Which both made more sense, and also raised further questions.
No idea why she had to use the ghost of Alexander the Great’s horse and an ancient Roman horse to kick the ass of some punk who hadn’t even been born when Rome fell, but whatev. She used the sword and made some kind of weird portal-thing, and he got dragged off by these naked glowing women with wings into a big fiery pit. Neato.
Then we went home and got tacos. It was a long day. I went to bed and caught up all the sleep I missed for the past week (I think I was asleep for at least 24 hours, actually.), then I had to go back to work and it was murder (I fucking hate my boss, really; asshole thinks that just because I’m a Liberal Arts major I don’t know how fucking math works).
Oh and Donna ran off again and said something about “Sallying forth” and “Righting wrongs”, and maybe something about an “Impossible Dream”? I dunno, she started singing in Castilian and I barely understand regular Spanish. I think next time she comes back I’m gonna go with her- kind of sick of my job, and she promised me an Insula (Whatever the Hell that is) if I should serve her admirably. She's also offering to buy me lunch every time we pass by a Wawa, and that's even if I don't serve her admirably.
Oh hey she’s back- and yep, we’re sallying for right now. Here’s hoping Candle Jack doesn’t show u
(Just kidding. He comes by for tea sometimes but he’s not all that bad. Now the Rake ...that fucking thing is gonna die for stinking the house up every-time it comes around to scare us.)