"Sometimes people aren't meant to be together," Hoseok smiled through tears.
Hyungwon wasn't sure why he was crying. Hoseok was the one leaving, so why was he allowed to be sad?
"You're with Minhyuk anyways," Hoseok whispered.
Hyungwon reached out and grabbed his arm. "That doesn't mean I don't love you! That doesn't mean we can't be friends! I love you more than I've ever loved him, Hoseok."
Hoseok shook his arm from the taller's grasp. "That's cheating."
He turned away and climbed into the car that took him far away from the dorm, from Hyungwon.
He took a piece of Hyungwon with him that day.
Hyungwon's eyes fell closed before suddenly opening. He was trying not to fall asleep to the sound of rain hitting the roof. He rested his head on his hands and listened to Kihyun and Hyunwoo yell in the kitchen.
He ignored Minhyuk pressed up against his side
because honestly he didn't want Minhyuk. He wanted someone else. How long ago did Hoseok leave?
"4 weeks," Minhyuk mumbled like he knew exactly what Hyungwon was thinking. "I'm not a psychic, I just know you're thinking of him."
Hyungwon normally would laugh at how predictable he was being, but it wasn't a time to laugh. He hadn't laughed in a while. He felt like he wasn't even there. Four weeks of going through this routine.
"We have a performance today," Minhyuk whispered. "Our first one without him."
Hyungwon's eyes fell closed and his entire body tensed. He knew performing without Hoseok meant he was really gone. It meant Hoseok left the group and Monsta X had a total of six members.
Minhyuk continued, "You're the only one who's not over it, you know. No one has heard you speak in four weeks. Are you okay to sing?"
Hyungwon nodded. He didn't speak because he spent too many nights screaming and crying in the park, so much that his voice was out. He was too scared to try out his voice again for a while.
"I love you," Minhyuk kissed him quickly before going into the kitchen.
It reminded him of the day before Hoseok left.
Minhyuk kissed Hyungwon before escaping into the kitchen, leaving Hyungwon and Hoseok alone. Hoseok inched closer to sit next to the younger.
"You can break up with him you know," Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon by the collar and pulled him into a kiss.
"I don't want the group to fall apart."
Hoseok laughed coldly and let go of his shirt. "It's already fallen apart. I think Minhyuk knows you're cheating on him."
"I love you so fucking much Hoseok," Hyungwon whispered.
Everything Hoseok said was right. They really did fall apart. They were separated by a giant hole between them: Hyunwoo, Hyungwon, and Changkyun then Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Jooheon. They weren't really sure what tore them apart, but they all started fighting. Minhyuk and Hyungwon didn't break up, but they would fight more and more.
Hyungwon felt empty. He wanted to disappear. If Hoseok stayed, could they all be happy? Hyungwon was unsure when the last time anyone in the dorm had been happy.
"Hyungwon," Changkyun flicked his forehead. "You're spacing out again."
Hyungwon rubbed his eyes.
"The manager wants to talk to you in the practice room."
Hyungwon dragged himself through the rain to get to the studio. He didn't bring an umbrella. He felt like he deserved the rain crashing down on him. Part of him prayed he would get struck by lightning.
When he opened the door to their practice room, the manager stood there with an unimpressed expression.
He closed the door being him. Hyungwon spoke for the first time in four weeks, "If this is-" His voice was raspy, he could barely recognize it.
"Hyungwon, what really happened with Hoseok?'
He stumbled back, suprised at the question. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I know Hoseok didn't leave because he was tired of being an idol. I know better. I think you're the cause."
Hyungwon hung his head, refusing to speak.
"If you slip up once, I'll have you out of this group and tell everyone that you quit."
He shoved pass Hyungwon and escaped through the door. Hyungwon felt 100% worse after the conversation. He didn't want to think of the day Hoseok left.
"Hyungwon, it's for the best," he quietly comforted the younger by rubbing his back.
Hyungwon grabbed his shirt and cried harder against his chest, his tears mixing with the rain. "Come on, we'll make it work. Please, please don't leave the group. Not because of me!"
"Keep the group together for me, okay? Make sure Minhyuk smiles and don't break up with him. Make sure Kihyun doesn't do everything by himself. Make sure Hyunwoo keeps up his exercise schedule or he'll get grouchy. Make sure Jooheon has time to be hyper. Make sure you buy Changkyun a new stuff animal for every new city you perform in." He leaned over a kissed Hyungwon hard. "And you Hyungwon? Make sure you keep eating and forget about me."
"I want to be with you!" Hyungwon cried. "I want you."
Hyungwon isn't sure how he ended up on a familar bus, but he had no desire to get off. He wanted to be taken somewhere else. He wanted to be in a different city or country or wherever the hell Hoseok was, he wanted to be there. Instead, he was on a bus going no where.
"Hyungwon!" A fan cried loudly, running up to sit in the empty seat next to him. "Oppa, are you okay?"
Hyungwon shrugged. "I'm sure everyone already knows."
She thought for a minute before frowning. "Wonho...you're upset about him leaving?"
Hyungwon nodded. He noticed how the bus stopped. He just wanted to be anywhere but where he was.
"This is my stop."
She nodded and allowed him to get past her and off the bus.
He stumbled into the unknown area, confused as to where he was. Downtown Seoul probably. He heard people talking all around him, but he couldn't decipher their words. He started to walk into a random direction.
His feet didn't stop. Everything hurt, but he couldn't stay still. His eyes burned from holding back tears. He wanted to disappear. He cheated on Minhyuk, but he was so in love with Hoseok. He destroyed the group. He ruined everything.
"Hyungwon?" He heard a soft voice from behind him.
He turned around to see Hoseok in a rain jacket and black jeans. He wanted to cry.
"Hyungwon! What the fuck are you doing!? It's raining and in the middle of November and you're wearing short sleeves!" Hoseok ran over and hugged him tight.
To Hyungwon, everything felt unreal, yet here was Hoseok in front of him, hood pulled up to cover blonde hair. Hyungwon felt tears fall down his face and hid his head in Hoseok's neck, bending down a bit.
"Hyungwon," Hoseok softly breathed out. "Let's get you somewhere warm, okay?"
Hoseok let go of him and had to force Hyungwon off of him. He dragged Hyungwon into a small café. They took their seats next to one another in a booth.
Hoseok leaned over and wiped stray tears off of Hyungwon's face. "You're really out of it, huh?"
He unzipped his jacket and placed it around Hyungwon's shoulders.
"I want you to come back," Hyungwon blurted.
Hoseok took one of his hands in his. "Hyungwon, I can't. You love Minhyuk and I can't be around that."
"I love you more. I'll quit the group!'
Hoseok kissed his forehead before smiling weakly. "Don't quit because of me. I'm leaving town, Hyungwon."
Hyungwon reached over to grab his arm. "You can't!"
"I can't sit here and watch you be in love with someone else. I can't watch you fall for someone and it not be me. I want it to be me and I hate myself for it."
Hyungwon's hands fell in his lap. "I have feelings too, Hoseok. I matter too!"
Hoseok leaned in and kissed Hyungwon's soft lips. "I know you matter, I know baby."
That was the last thing Hoseok said to him before walking away, taking another piece of Hyungwon with him.
Hyungwon wasn't sure if any of him was left.
You're leaving, just like everyone else.
He watched his tears fall in his lap. He had never felt so lonely.
The worst part is you left twice, and I couldn't stop you either time. I love you too much, more than I'll ever love Minhyuk.
He felt the familar pocket knife in Hoseok's jacket that he always carried around in case something happened.
And suddenly an idea came to his head.
If you won't love me, then I'll make sure no one ever will.