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The Darkness Inside My Head

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The darkness inside my head fucking sucks
They call it "The Black Dog" here
Like it's some growling, bristled thing,
Biting and scratching at the perfect mask I've put on
But I don't think that's very fair
Some of the nicest dogs I've met have been black

The darkness inside my head fucking sucks
It's much more like smoke, I think
That thick, black, toxic smoke you get when you burn tires
Filling the wrinkles in my grey matter
The space between synapses
Filling my lungs with filth till I can't breathe
Filling every inch of me till theres nothing but smog
Nothing but numbness

Because depression isn't sadness
That's the biggest load of bullshit that's ever been forced down anyone's throat

Depression is feeling nothing at all
It's that first step you take after standing up,
With both feet asleep
It's trying to walk normally,
So no-one can tell you can't feel your feet at all
Except it's your whole body

The darkness inside my head fucking sucks
I know I joke about a lot of this
"I'd rather be fat than dead"
"Thank fuck for medication, cause this shit makes me want to kill myself"
"Brb, gunna go jump in front of a truck"
"Better hide the knives lolz"

It's all a mask

The darkness inside my head fucking sucks
I don't think I've felt a real, strong, complete emotion since my first breakdown
Next year I'll have been on antidepressants for 10 years
And I honestly don't know if they're doing anything more than making me feel numb
I haven't felt a. Single. Fucking. Emotion in ten goddamn years
Ten. Fucking. Years of feeling hollow
Ten. Fucking. Years of feeling like my emotions belong to someone else
And I'm just watching through a streaky glass window
Ten. Fucking. Years.
Of feeling like my life belongs more to the pharmacist than it does to me

The darkness inside my head fucking sucks
It sucks because I cant escape it,
No matter what I use to dull it

It sucks because it doesn't leave room for anything else.