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The Speed of Pain

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So this is how it's going to be, huh? After all this time, this is how it's going to end?

God, how long ago was that? Three months ago? Or was it just yesterday? I honestly can't remember. Everything feels so hazy these days. Maybe it's these pills that turn time into mush. I don't know and to be honest, I don't really care. At least when I have these, I can have some fun for awhile. What the fuck else am I supposed to do with my time now anyways?

These pills have their limitations though. The haze in my mind clears when I change the channel on my TV and see you there on it. Suddenly it all comes flooding back to me, all the words you said.

I should've known something was wrong when you showed up at my apartment that morning. I was actually just getting around to leave for rehearsal when you knocked on my door. But of course, you knew that, didn't you? That's why you showed up then, to keep me from wasting my time driving across town to the studio.

"The bar has been raised," you said. "I've got to step it up or risk falling behind."

That's it then? I'm not good enough anymore? Not good enough for the band? All those years I said those same words, all the times I said that you should replace always told me I was wrong. I shared my insecurities and you put me at ease. You said that I was good enough, that I'd always have a place on your stage, by your side. You'd never replace me.

But you have replaced me. It certainly didn't take you very long. Sure, you said it killed you to do so, but that was just another lie, wasn't it? I'm watching you on TV right now and you certainly don't look too broken up over it. Your new guitarist certainly looks right at home under your arm.

Chacha came over that night after you were here. I'm sure you know that though, you probably told him to check on me, didn't you? Ha, like you fucking care about me. The nice thing about Chacha is that he doesn't sugarcoat things. He said you were an asshole, so at least someone else sees the truth. He said that you're crazy for kicking me out of the band, that I'm more than good enough. He said that the new guy isn't even any better than me.

So what is it then? I wasn't good enough for the band? Or I wasn't good enough for you? I think that's more likely. I'd been watching you the last few months. People have always talked about your inflated ego, but it'd been getting worse for awhile. You really are convinced that you're God's gift to Japan, aren't you?

So after everything I've ever done for you, this is how you treat me? I supported you, I encouraged you, I even waited for you when you left me. I stayed in the shadows like you asked me to, watching you parade around with your starlet of the week while I waited at home. I was your faithful friend and servant, I did everything you asked of me! How many days was I there for you? How many nights as well? How many times was I there to pick your ass up when you fell down? Who was the one person you could always turn to when you didn't want anyone else to see you at your lowest? Who are you turning to now? Does the new guy do that for you too?

I thought we were friends. Best friends. No...I thought we were more than that. Soul mates? Isn't that what you always said? I think "soul mates" means that we're supposed to be together. Not you there on that stage and me here, alone in my apartment. A soul divided into two pieces isn't a soul at all.

You didn't just kick me out of the band, you kicked me out of your life. I have to at least give you credit for not trying the "We can still be friends" angle. I probably would've laughed in your face. Your bullshit tears were a bit much though. Whose benefit were they for, anyways? Yours or mine? Your mind was already made before you ever opened your mouth that day, don't try to pretend that you fucking care.

Have you forgotten about me completely already? Or is there a part of you that feels like something is missing? You could rely on me to be there for you for so long, how does it feel to not have that anymore? It feels horrible, doesn't it? That missing piece in your life. That missing piece of your soul.

Though knowing you, you probably haven't even thought about me since you left here. You're so fucking good at distracting yourself and just not thinking about the important things. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be like you. Cold, like a goddamn machine.

I wonder if that's always been my problem, caring too much. I care too much about you and I just don't know how fucking make it stop.

It's not just being kicked out of the band, to hell with the band. It's losing you that's killing me. The pain won't stop and I wish I could just turn it off. I was sleeping all the time, just trying to get my mind to shut off for awhile. But that doesn't work because I dream. I dream about the time that I was whole...and waking up from those dreams is as painful as losing you all over again. So I stay awake and I distract myself. It took awhile, but these pills help. They help better than anything else I've found anyways.

But even they fail me in the end because eventually they stop working or eventually I run out. Then I'm stuck here, still alone. In my filthy apartment that I haven't left for days. Weeks? Months? What does it matter. I'm here and you're there and it kills me every day to know that this is real.

I've tried to move on with my life, I've tried to make myself get over you. It doesn't work, I just can't get over you. I belong there with you on that stage, not that other guy. I see your arm around him and the way you're looking at him while you sing. I know that look, I've seen it before. That's a look that should only be given to me. Seeing you give it to someone else, it makes me want to throw up.

We really are soul mates, I believe that with all my heart. We belong together. You belong here with me and I belong there on that stage with you. I can't get over you because I don't want to get over you. I shouldn't have to.

And for that matter, you shouldn't be able to move on. Could you really get over me that fast??? So many years together, surely you couldn't have gotten over me that fast! Could you really?

Please, tell me you still love me! Tell me you still want me! That you need me, that I belong by your side! Tell me all the things you used to say to me!

Oh God, I need to hear you say those words. I don't believe this, I don't believe that this is how things should be. This can't be right. I need to see you, I need to talk to you. I need to make you understand.

You can't have moved on. You can't have forgotten me. You have to miss me! Maybe you just need a reminder.

Yes! That's it! I'll go to your house and I'll remind you of what you've lost. I'll find a way to make you see that you don't need anyone but me. I'll tell you that I'm sorry I'm not good enough for the band, but I'll try harder! I'll take lessons, I'll practice every spare minute I can! I'll do anything you ask, just please want me back!

But...what if you don't? What if I go to your house now and tell you all of this and you still turn me away? What if you're there with someone else??? I don't think I could handle that. I don't think I could stand it!

I want you in my life or I don't want this life at all. And we're soul mates, right? If I can't have a life without you...then you can't a life without me. A soul can't survive when it's been split.

Yes, that's right. I see it now, that's how things should be. I'll go to your place now, I'll talk to you, I'll make you see. And if you don't...well then, I know what I have to do.


They slit our throats
Like we were flowers
And our milk has been

When you want it
It goes away too fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think
You're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day

I wish I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
Because there's a knife
For everyday that I've known you

When you want it
It goes away too fast
When you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think
You're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day

Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair
I hope at least we die holding hands
For always.