It was a dark and stormy night. Gackt sat in his living room with the lights off, waiting anxiously. He had arranged for the package to be delivered discreetly to his door late at night so as not to arouse any suspicions. Gackt checked his watch again. Any minute now...
With a crash of lightning and thunder!
Someone pounded on the front door.
The sound startled him so much that Gackt shrieked like a little girl and nearly wet himself. He quickly got to his feet and hurried over to the door as the pounding continued. He grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open with more force than he had intended to. The door flew open and bounced loudly against the wall. Silhouetted in the doorway was a tall man in a black trench coat and fedora pulled over his eyes. He held a small package in his hands.
"You Gackt?" he asked in a low, gruff voice.
"Well in that case..."
The man thrust the package into Gackt’s hands and flung off his hat and trench coat. He now stood in Gackt’s doorway completely naked and began to jump up and down, flailing his arms and singing in a high-pitched voice.
When you need some lovin’
And you wanna have some fun
But you’re in a hurry
Just Detach and Run!
He danced in a circle and then started his song again. Jumping up and down, he grinned at Gackt.
Horrified, Gackt slammed the door on the naked!jumping!singing!delivery!man and locked the deadbolt. So much for discreet, he thought to himself. Suddenly, he remembered what he now had in his possession. Making sure the door was locked and the curtains were closed tightly, he turned on the lights and sat down on the couch, placing the package on the table in front of him.
With trembling hands, he quickly tore open the box and his breath caught in his throat.
There is was.
"The Grofenbecht’s Industrial Strength Detachable Penis 3000™," he breathed. "Imported from Germany." He picked it up and cradled it gently in his hands. Eager to try it out, he reached in the box and pulled out the manual. It was about the size of the S volume of an encyclopedia.
Opening to the table of contents, he found the page number for "Attaching Your New Grofenbecht’s Industrial Strength Detachable Penis 3000™ (Imported from Germany)" and quickly flipped to that page.
1. Just add water.
The next 20 pages were a very detailed diagram of a stick figure turning on a water tap.
Gackt shrugged and carried his new penis to the kitchen. Sticking it under the water faucet, he turned on the tap. The next thing he knew, the penis had disappeared from his hand. He unzipped his jeans and pulled them off and sure enough, there it was.
"WTF, mate?" he asked in an oddly Australian sort of way. He’d specifically asked for a size bigger than his normal penis when he ordered it, but this one wasn’t any bigger. He gave it a few test swings. Ah well, this one would do just fine.
He went back over to the manual to see how to detach the penis once it was attached.
1. Grasp balls firmly in one hand *see diagram 1*
2. Grasp Detachable Penis™ in other hand *see diagram 2*
3. Line fingers up as in diagram 6b *see diagram 6b*
4. Give a short, yet firm, tug.
Gackt did so and just as the diagrams showed, the penis came right off with a loud, cartoony *POP!* sound. Standing there with no dick and a penis in his hand, Gackt realized that he’d never been less horny than he was at that moment. Yes, this new Detachable Penis™ would come in VERY handy.
“Darling!” You called from the front door. “Darling, I’m home!”
Gackt panicked and dropped the Detachable Penis™ in the sink. It soon appeared in his pants and he was careful not to zip it up as he did his fly. The manual he tossed out the kitchen window, not realizing that it would be ruined in the torrential downpour.
“Shit!” Gackt said as he realized he had just tossed the manual out in the torrential downpour. “Shit shit shit!” Well at least You wouldn’t suspect anything. The Detachable Penis™ was tucked safely away, and the manual had been destroyed, so that just left...the box!
With all the speed of an Olympic runner, Gackt dashed into the living room and hurdled the couch. As he was falling onto the cushions, he grabbed the remnants of cardboard, plastic wrapping, and biodegradable packing peanuts and shoved it all under the couch. You walked in the room, grinning broadly to see his beloved Gackt striking a sexy pose. Then they had sex. Anal sex, to be exact, with lots of penetrating and coming and penetration and cum. All night. Kinda like Tetsu and Hyde were one house down from them...
“Do I know you?” Gackt asked.
“Gacchan, it’s me!” Hyde removed his sunglasses, and immediately a random person across the street yelled, “OH MY GOD! IT’S HYDE!” and they were immediately surrounded by half the population of the city. Hyde quickly put his glasses back on and the commotion died down, all the people wandering away confusedly. “You know how I knew it was you?” Hyde went on with a loving sigh, gazing at Gackt with hearts in his sunglass-covered eyes. “The grapefruit.,” he said. “You always eat grapefruit in the mornings.”
“That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Gackt said huskily, leaning forward. “Let’s go!”
The two lovers were having their way with each other in Hyde’s house, enjoying the intimate pleasures of each other’s company when suddenly, Gackt heard the front door open.
He stopped thrusting and looked at Hyde, who bent himself to somehow be looking over his shoulder. “Gackt, it’s Tetsu! What will we do?”
With a pang of sadness, Gackt grabbed his balls in one hand, his penis in the other, and gave a sharp tug. With a loud, cartoony *POP!* sound, Gackt tumbled backwards, and Hyde sprawled onto the floor. Amidst the sudden chorus of When you need some lovin’ And you wanna have some fun, Gackt found his pants, and escaped out the bedroom window, leaving Hyde in a very compromising position.
“.......the hell?!” Tetsu said as he entered the bedroom, to see Hyde with a wenis sticking out of his WHOA! Tetsu pulled a random pair of latex gloves out of his back pocket and snapped them on, then abstracted said wenis. “Hmm, penis,” he wondered aloud, turning the specimin. “Hmm, broken.” Using a pair of tweezers, he picked up a black mesh shirt. Glasses appeared on the edge of his nose out of nowhere, and he read the label. “Gackt,” he grunted, crumpling the garment in his fist. With one last dirty look at Hyde, Tetsu stalked out the door, still holding the Detachable Penis™.
Tetsu walked all the way to the next house over and pounded on the door. Hearing no answer, he used his mighty mighty butt muscles to break the lock. Inside, Gackt perched on the couch, knitting a scarf.
“If you ever touch my poo-bear again, I’ll tell You about your little affair,” Tetsu snarled.
“I’m sorry?” Gackt said, crossing his legs.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Camui,” Tetsu said, waving the Detachable Penis™ in his face. “I know it was you.”
“Kind sir,” Gackt said, his voice raising an octave, “I have no earthly idea what you’re talking about. Furthermore, you’re blocking my view of the ballroom dancing championship. Please remove yourself from my house!”
“Gackt!” You called as he came in the door. “Bless me!” he said, seeing Tetsu, “Gackt, it’s Tetsu! I haven’t seen you forever!” You gave Tetsu a hug, and Tetsu hid the Detachable Penis™ from sight. Now was not the time, but sometime soon...
Later that night, Gackt was in bed, a lace trimmed bed cap he had found in the attic on his head, and a green, sticky facial mask on his face. You, quite frankly, found it amazingly erotic.
“Do you think I’m sexy?” Gackt asked.
“Oh yes, Darling,” You said, turning over and hugging him.
“Do you think my boobs are big enough?” Gackt asked.
“Uh...sure?” You said.
“I just think a breast enhancement would make me feel better about myself,” Gackt said with a sob.
“Gackt,” You said, “you’re beautiful.” He then proceeded to snog Gackt, but was pushed away after some mild groping.
“I can’t, You, not tonight. I have such a terrible headache!” Gackt rolled over and switched off his desk lamp.
You lay awake for some time, wondering about the sudden change in his homosexual lifemate. Was it You? Was Gackt no longer attracted to him? That was an absurd thought! Everyone was attracted to You! He was adorable! With a sigh, You got up and decided to go for a walk. Just as he closed the door, he saw Tetsu walking by.
“Troubles in paradise?” Tetsu asked.
“Hyde left me," Tetsu sighed, "and I could sure use a friend right now.”
You went with Tetsu to his house, and completely by accident, they started making out. Tetsu excused himself to the bathroom, where he washed his face and looked at the mirror. It felt so wrong to do this with You of all people, but in a way, Gackt and Hyde kinda deserved it. Tetsu pulled the Detachable Penis™ from his pocket. All of a sudden, it disappeared from his hands. Tetsu shut off the water and looked for it everywhere. With a feeling of dread, Tetsu finally unzipped his pants. And there it was: the Detachable Penis™. Tetsu zipped his pants again. Might as well use it!
What to do in the event of a lost Detachable Penis™:
1. Dance on one coffee table, naked
2. Sing the ‘Detach and Run™’ theme song
The lost Detachable Penis™ should return to you with no ill effects
(not responsible for broken furniture or limbs and/or bodily lacerations)
Gackt read the passage carefully, making sure to get every detail down. If he started now, he should be back in action by the time You got home.
Resolutely, Gackt went inside and showered the dirt off him. He dried off carefully, and smothered himself in exfoliating body lotion, the lavender scented kind. He then stood on the table and tried to remember the night the Grofenbecht’s Industrial Strength Detachable Penis 3000™ (Imported from Germany) was delivered to him. He took a deep breath and began to sing and do a condensed waltz on the coffee table.
When you do some weedin’
And you just can’t extract that one
Turn on HGTV
For all your gardening fun!
“SHIT!” Gackt facepalmed. That wasn’t right at all. He tried again.
When you need a lufah
and you wanna have some fun
but you're in a hurry
Just lather and rinse
“Well, that was closer…” Gackt admitted.
Panicked, willie-less Gackt searched every page of the User’s Manual. There, on the last twelve pages was a detailed description of the dance (with pictures) and the song, with the melody and chords written out. Not taking any chances, Gackt grabbed a small ukulele You had in the closet, brushed up on the chords, and went back to the coffee table.
This time when he finished, he felt a tingling sensation right where his penis should be. He looked down, and there it was! Gackt’s eyes filled with tears and he hugged it. “Let’s never be parted again!” he crooned. That’s when he noticed that his penis was in prime thrusting position. That could only mean one thing...
Gackt stalked next door, where he found You and Tetsu naked and looking quite befuddled.
“Gackt!” You said with tears on his cheeks, “I’m so sorry!”
“Shut up!” Gackt screamed. “I am so horny that I really don’t care! Assume the position you dirty man!”
Hyde walked in the front door just as Gackt was about to enter from the rear, and Gackt reached up with one hand to grab him. “IT’S ORGY TIME, HAIDO!” he shouted as he ripped Hyde’s pants off.