“Alright, so we know that getting outta here is not going to be that easy. Or as easy as the first time.” Dean grumbled as he shut the car’s door close.
“So it seems- uh thank you Clint!” Sam gave the driver a smile but he only frowned at him.
“Uh Clif? You know what guys? Just stay off drinking for a little while yeah? And Jensen, why don’t you tell your wife to make you like a warm tea or something? Your voice is starting to turn into Dean’s and it’s kinda creepy.” Clif gave Dean a tight smile.
Dean frowned, feeling a little offended for a moment but just as he was about to speak Sam did for him “Uh yeah sure thing, thanks for the drive Clif.” he gave him a tight smile and the man nodded his head.
“Of course. Goodnight guys.” he waved at them and Sam waved back.
“What the hell’s wrong with my voice?” Dean exclaimed, his voice raising an octave and Sam only rolled his eyes “My voice is absolutely fine! It’s that freaking Jensen’s voice that must be weird! Just like his name.” he scoffed, making a face and rolling his eyes.
“Yeah right, sure. Let’s go inside now before it starts raining on us.” Sam huffed a laugh, stuffing his hands in his jacket.
“Yeah right, well smart call to come here Padaleski.” Dean said with a smirk and Sam frowned.
“Uh Lecki. I’m pretty sure it’s Lecki.”
“Yeah whatever Polish boy. As long as I won’t have to watch you and fake-Ruby stuff faces.” Dean made a disgusted face and Sam huffed, giving him a bitch-face.
“I mean hey Sammy, what do ya think (Y/n/n) would think about it?” Dean gave him a side look and Sam rolled his eyes.
“Nothing because she knows very well how I feel about her. I love her and only her. Besides, this place, those guys it’s not us ok? So no there shouldn’t even be a need to worry.”
“Sure.” Dean nodded his head, fetching the keys he had stolen earlier from Jensen’s trailer but still avoided eye contact with his brother “Just save me the cheesy details man, I liked my burger a couple hours ago.” he laughed him off but Sam just sighed.
“Yeah well, it is not going to be my favorite thing to see you stuff your face with whoever your wife is.” Sam said in a teasing tone and Dean chuckled, a triumphant grin on his face when he managed to find the right key.
“You think she’s gonna be hot?” he asked Sam with a smirk and the younger Winchester shrugged.
“Well, if this Jensen guy is anything like you then- I guess.” he shrugged and Dean scoffed.
“I doubt it. Did you see that dude’s car? I mean come on now!” he exclaimed a little too loudly, his voice echoing inside the house.
“Hm well, you’ve got a pretty nice house that is for sure. Looks really home-y.” Sam commented as they both took a look around.
“Yeah, it’s nice.” Dean almost whispered and Sam merely nodded his head as he took in the sight.
“It’s ike-” he breathed out a laugh “It’s like they let (Y/n) decorate it or something. She’s told me so many times about how she’s imagined her house and it’s- pretty much like this.” Sam motioned around him.
“Of course she would.” Dean breathed out a chuckle, a fond smile on his face. One that as soon as he noticed matched that of his brother’s he wiped off.
“Alright-” he cleared his throat, trying not to get too carried away “-let’ not get carried away. We first need to-”
“Honey?” a voice cut him off, though, before he could say more and both brothers stiffened “Is that you?” it was heard again, this time coming closer and Dean shared a look with Sam.
“Time to find out I guess.” he said with a small nervous smile before steadying himself.
“Uh yeah it’s me. Jensen. Not- not somebody else, like Dean or- yeah, nope.” he tried but failed to give a nice response and Sam rolled his eyes.
“Real smooth Jensen.” Sam smirked at him and Dean merely glared at the taller man.
“Baby?” the voice was heard again, closer this time and for the first time did Sam and Dean frown at how… familiar it sounded.
“Oh there you are.” a wide grin broke on your lips as you came into view but Sam’s small smile completely vanished. Especially as you walked towards his brother and grabbed him by his jacket and… pressed your lips to his. At that moment Sam felt his heart ache more than ever before inside his chest and… as wrong as that was Dean felt his own heart swell inside his own chest.
“How was work? Hope you two didn’t have all the fun on set without me huh?” you gave him a grin, giggling as he gaped at you like a fish out of water.
“Hey Jared, how are you? How’s Gen? I didn’t have time to see her this week. In between the new album, the shooting and everything else I hadn’t had time to talk with her.” you said with all too familiar warm smile that this time didn’t make Sam smile, because your arms wrapped around Dean’s shoulders felt almost like a stab to the heart.
“Uh she’s- she’s fine.” he choked out, giving you a weak smile.
“I’m glad.” you nodded your head and in a second your eyes were back on Dean’s face who had suddenly forgotten how to breathe.
“Hey you-” you said in a lower voice, leaning in closer to him to the point he thought you’d be able to feel how his heart was going crazy inside his chest “-your mother came to take Justice, she was really happy that she’ll spend the weekend with her grandparents. You know what that means though, right?” you smirked at him, and Dean gave you a weak nod.
You chuckled, pressing your lips to his and he had to practically keep himself from melting into it. He struggled to keep himself from closing his eyes and just wrapping his arms around you, pressing you as close to himself as possible and never letting go of you. And gosh was it wrong to want, much less actually consider it.
You pulled away and had a soft smile on your lips. You nuzzled your nose with his and Dean was sure he let out a small sound that couldn’t be described as human. You smiled softly at him, the same shy smile you had given to him all that time ago when you first met.
A day he still remembered, because he was the first one you’d met. And only much later, a week later, did Sam come in view and he saw the two of you fall head over heels in love with each other. And all he did was be happy for the two of you, no matter how much it hurt him.
But he saw the shy smile turn into a smirk, the seductive kind you’d give to Sam and minutes later he’d excuse himself and follow you. And Dean would only leave the bunker for hours, not wanting to hear the two of you’s happy sounds. There was only so much he could take. This time though you gave that smirk to him, and it was him you leaned closer to.
“And I’ve got something I think you’ll love to see me in.” you whispered and Dean practically jumped, his eyes going wider (if it was possible) and a squeak left his lips when you… slapped his ass.
You winked at him, giggling before you pulled slightly away “Hey, J are you going to stay for dinner?” you asked him with that soft but only friendly smile that Dean was so used to.
Sam wanted to speak, to say something, anything but he only gave you a weak nod. You smiled warmly and nodded your head at him “I’ll serve some for you too then! And you-” you turned to Dean “-why don’t you come give me a hand huh?” you winked at him and Dean swallowed thickly, nodding his head with a somewhat terified look on his face but still a giddy feeling inside his chest.
“S-sure, I’ll be there in a while.” he stuttered because he could really understand what you meant.
“Great then.” you giggled, kissing his lips once more and Dean for a second took in a deep breath unable to believe how your scent was the same.
You rubbed his cheek before pulling away from him and turning you walked past Sam, giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder – one Dean knew all too well again – and leaving them alone for a moment.
Dean took in a shaky breath, once you were completely gone his eyes moved to lock with his brother’s and as much as he wanted to play it off he knew he couldn’t. Not when he saw the hurt but somewhat angry look on Sam’s eyes. His clenched jaw and puffed out chest, something that only showed his pain.
He tried to give him a smile but it only showed his nervousness. So instead Dean just cleared his throat.
“Well, talking about awkward huh?”
“Well, talking about awkward huh?” Dean laughed nervously as Sam only looked at him with a hard look.
“Yeah, very.” he said through pursed lips and Dean cleared his throat, avoiding looking at him in the first place.
“Honey?” it was your voice that broke the silence that had set between the two Winchesters “Can you come help me?” you sounded a little too eager and at your question Dean’s body stiffened and he felt his heart beat harder inside his chest. Gosh, how every fiber in his body just screamed for him to find you.
But he knew he had to keep himself, much less something from showing. He cleared his throat and shook his head “Well, this is gonna be a whole lot of fun.” he huffed.
“Definitely.” Sam mumbled and Dean instantly looked at him, raising an eyebrow.
“You know I’m just joking, right?” he asked with a deep frown but Sam wouldn’t even look him in the eyes.
“Yeah, when are you not?” he stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and prefered to look at the things that were in the house instead of pay attention to his insanely increasing jealousy.
Dean glanced at Sam who had his jaw clenched and gave him a pleading look “Come on, man.” he breathed out “That’s not (Y/n).” he said but Sam only shrugged. Without getting rid of the hard look on his face.
“I didn’t say anything.” he mumbled and Dean rolled his eyes.
“Yes, but you gave me the look.” and even if Dean couldn’t admit it out loud, that very same look Sam had given him once before made Dean feel guilty as hell.
It felt like a stab to the heart to see that look on Sam’s face. The same heart that skipped a beat or two whenever you were close, the same heart that would swell whenever you smiled and the same heart that would shudder when you kissed his brother. Why the hell did life have to be so hard for him?
“What look?” Sam asked “There is no look.”
“No, there is. That-” he pointed at his younger brother “That’s the look. And it’s worse than your bitch face. Look, if you don’t want me to, I am not going in there- nor spending any time alone with her. But you just need to get over this. This-” he motioned around him “It’s not us. And that… is not (Y/n).”
“I- I am trying to, alright? I want to think of it as that but- but I just saw my girlfriend kiss my brother right in front of me and then treat me like her best bud, friendly smiles and all, while she was getting all handsy with you. It’s not the easiest thing for me, and no matter how messed up our lives are- this- it’s just beyond me too.” he breathed out, trying to keep his voice low but failing at some point.
Dean could understand him, maybe better than anyone else, because he had been the one to go through this for- he couldn’t even count how long. And he knew that Sam felt hurt, betrayed and almost lost, he had experienced that numerous times, but at the same time he knew that what Sam was going through was nothing compared to how Dean felt. For him it was worse because he knew that was real. And Sam, even if he had to face this for a few days or as long as they’d stay, he’d end up in your arms. He’d have you to comfort him but Dean… he would just return to an empty bed.
“But it’s not her.” Dean said a little more harshly than he planned to “And you need to realize that. I know that you don’t like this situation and want to go back home as soon as possible but- until then don’t blame me for whatever happens alright? So just stop looking at me like I’m the one to blame for this.”
“No, no.” Sam sighed, running a frustrated hand through his hair “It’s not your fault. I know. I understand.” he huffed, realizing how paranoid he was being “Just- I know we gotta keep the act up but seeing her is-”
“It feels like it’s really her.” Dean completed his brother’s sentence as his eyes cast down. He couldn’t blame the younger Winchester, he too was having a hard time telling you apart from, well, you. You were so similar it surprised them both very much. Dean had been trying and succeeding for the most part in controlling his feelings for you and now he felt exactly the same with this version of you, he wouldn’t blame Sam if he had the same problem.
“Yeah” Sam said in a hoarse voice as Dean chewed on his lower lip.
“With a great difference that is.” he mumbled and Sam raised an eyebrow at him “Much better taste in men.” he grinned although it had never felt more fake and Sam rolled his eyes. But Dean was content even for a minute because he actually saw his younger brother smile.
“Yeah right, you’d wish jerk.”
“Whatever bitch. Let’s go eat because I am starving.” he said as he strode, still looking around him to find the proper way to the kitchen. But even if he had a fake smile on for his brother and to ease the tension he couldn’t find it in himself to keep it up any longer so maybe he needed to at least see you. After all, this time you wouldn’t be all over Sam so it would be much easier for him, right?
“Wow” Dean couldn’t help breathing out and Sam nodded his head as he took a look around the kitchen. It wasn’t anything too expensive or luxurious and glamorous. It actually was really homie that made both Winchesters stare around gaping.
“This is just-” Sam trailed off, shaking his head as he looked around him; a small smile was on both their faces as they tried to take in as much as they could.
“Wish she could really see this.” he mumbled and Dean nodded his head, understanding fully well that he was talking about you, their you.
“Oh J?” you had a hard time hiding your surprise, no wonder you’d want to spend some time with Jensen- Dean- whatever, alone. And you weren’t planning on Sam- Jared to come in the kitchen too. But Sam just couldn’t find it in himself to leave the two of you alone, even if he tried to be reasonable and remind himself that this wasn’t really you.
“You said you needed help?” Sam asked with a polite smile and a bright friendly one spread on your lips. Oh boy how well did Dean know that one and what a relief it was that for once it wasn’t directed at him.
“Uh yeah, there are plates up there. Just get three big ones and three smaller and place them on the table. Baby, you can get the glasses and the silverware.” you said as you mixed the pasta with the sauce.
Dean sent his brother an almost panicked look and Sam shrugged. Of course none of them had any idea where the glasses or anything else were but unlike with Sam you didn’t give Dean any help because, well, this was his house too after all. Dean tried to subtly search through the drawers in case he found what he was looking for.
After some- alright, maybe a lot of searching and some comfortable working you started getting everything in place. It almost felt like nothing, except the setting, had changed. It felt like every time you three would have dinner together, there was an unspoken agreement and the moment you started working on getting the table ready no words had to be exchanged. You worked in perfect harmony, and that’s how it went this time as well. With only one tiny difference: you’d sneak kisses from Dean this time instead of Sam. The younger Winchester tried not to show that he was bothered but it was impossible by how close you were to his brother. That and the fact that he was slightly jealous to only receive friendly smiles – again the exact same ones Dean had to receive for years – made him feel bothered and want out of the kitchen.
Well, he could finally understand how Dean felt all this time after all.
“So-” you started with the same bright smile you’d always have when you started a conversation during dinner.
“How was work without me today?” you looked back and forth between the brothers.
“Oh you know.” Dean started, trying to act casual “Same old same. Cameras and- scripts and- fake knives and guns and- Misha-” he made a face at the name, shaking his head and you chuckled.
“I guess that sums up the show.” you laughed “Did you play any pranks on him today?” you asked and Sam shook his head.
“No, no he- he didn’t seem really in the mood for that.”
“Yeah, he was too alive for that.” Dean mumbled mostly to himself, none of them really being able to believe how the guy was alive and so much more different than last time they were in this place.
“Yeah, well we’re not in the French Mistake guys.” you said, taking a bite out of your food.
“The French what?” Dean asked through a mouth full and Sam made a face but you only laughed.
“Careful Ackles-” you winked “Your Dean is showing.” you chuckled and Dean cleared his throat, glancing at his brother who gave him a warning look.
“Well-” you took a sip of water “Guess I didn’t miss on a lot of things then.” you mumbled “I wanted to come visit but Justice was a little bit restless and my stomach was worse than any other day.”
“What? Why?” Dean asked faster than his brother, which of course didn’t seem as suspicious to you but a little to Sam.
“I don’t know, effin’ morning sickness but I guess it must have been the breakfast.” you shook your head “Well, anyway uhm I don’t know if they informed you but I got a message that the interview will be held over the weekend along with the photoshoot so I don’t know if you have anything planned with Gen, Jared, but you’d probably have to cancel.”
“Uh I- I don’t think we do but I’ll make sure of that, thanks (Y/n).” Sam said a little awkwardly, still feeling a little weird talking to you despite how similar you actually were to his own (Y/n). He paused for a moment, realizing he had called you by his girlfriend’s name without realizing it and it might have been wrong, considering you weren’t her but just an actress.
“It’s a good thing we will having the photoshoot here too.” you went on as if nothing had happened and both men sighed a little in relief, well you did have the same name -as if things weren’t complicated already “They’re gonna set up something in the garden and it will be alright for the kids to stay here in the meanwhile if you want to bring them over.”
“Uh kids?” Sam asked slowly, glancing at Dean who was a little too into his food to notice.
“Uhm yeah Tom and Shep?” you frowned at him and he blinked a few times before in the end nodding his head, focusing his attention on the food and trying not say something that would make you anymore suspicious.
“Seriously guys-” you chuckled, eating some food “Are you alright? You look a little off today.” you looked at them and they shared a look.
“Uh why- why are you saying that?” Dean asked with a nervous laugh and you shrugged.
“Don’t know, it just makes me think as if I am a little into Supernatural myself. You’re acting a lot like Dean and Sam today.” you mumbled.
“What? No.” Dean laughed a little nervously “Just- we’re tired, that’s all. Long day, no pranks no fun and you know-” he shrugged and you nodded your head.
“Don’t worry-” you smirked softly “-I will help you relax later.” you whispered, leaning in to peck his cheek and Dean almost choked on his food. His eyes went wide as he instantly looked at his brother and indeed saw him clench his jaw and give him a hard look.
Dean cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably in his place, avoiding to look in his brother’s eyes above all. He didn’t want to, for fear of the younger Winchester realizing something that Dean would never want and that he had a hard time in hiding at the very moment. His feelings for you.
Sam cleared his throat and gained your attention “The food is amazing, (Y/n).” he said with a soft smile and you grinned.
“Thank you Jared, I know Jensen loves it so I just thought I’d do something nice for my hubby.” you glanced at Dean who was only staring at you with almost an awestruck look on his face “But it was nothing really.” you said with a shy laugh.
“Well, then your hubby is a very lucky man.” Sam said, trying to put a smile on his face but failing in making it seem real. Part of his sadness was evident on his face.
“No, I’m the lucky one.” you said softly, placing a hand on top of Dean’s that made all air get caught in his lungs. Having you kiss him the way you’d done before made his heart hammer inside his chest uncontrollably but this- this was much more than what he could bargain for. The way you looked at him reminded him so much of the way you- the other you at least- would look at his brother but… more intense. The love you held in your eyes, the adoration you looked at him with made him let out a shaky breath without realizing it. This was the very same look he wanted to get from you after a little while of getting to know you but was unfortunately meant only for Sam.
“And so is Gen.” you said after a little while looking at Sam this time “To have you, I mean.” and there was that smile that Dean could actually recognize so well.
That friendly, sweet one that he had actually come to see even in his sleep. Because even then he couldn’t let himself be free or at least show his emotions to you, guilt would eat him out on the inside all the time and his dreams were no exception. And even if it was for a few days he’d let Sam go through that so long as he could take a break. Dean needed it more than anything else.
“Thanks, (Y/n).” he said with a small smile but Dean saw how it fluttered the moment you looked away and boy did he know the feeling.
“Gosh” you breathed out a chuckle “Sometimes I feel like I am married to both of you.” you grinned as you handed Dean a warm cup of tea. You had finally succeeded and practically forced – always in such a sweet and gentle way – Sam out of the kitchen, claiming he needed the rest and you and Jensen could do the few dishes together. Sam had of course insisted he could help, no doubt he couldn’t find it in himself to leave you alone (and Dean could not blame him), but you weren’t having any of it.
You led him immediately to the guest room and all-but-ordered him to get some rest. It was so similar to the way their(Y/n) would do it, so Sam didn’t dare object anymore. He was too worn out emotionally and physically to argue, much less stay with the two of you. Dean could see it, even if Sam would never say it out loud, that just watching you give his brother the same look you’d give Sam tore him apart. Leaving their home even if it was for a short amount of time without their will was one thing but seeing the woman he loved look at him only as a friend was too much.
“Yeah, sorry about that.” he mumbled, clearing his throat looking down at the tea you handed him – no wonder you too thinking his voice was not right – as you raised an eyebrow.
“Jens, I don’t mean it like that. You know I adore both of you to death.” you laughed softly “It’s just that these days I want a little extra time with my husband and you two are not making it any easier on me.” you said almost a little shyly and Dean couldn’t keep a smile off his face.
“I’m sorry.” he heard himself saying softly before he could realize it “I’ll try to spend more time with you from now on.” he got up and took hold of your hands.
“Jensen” your smile made his heart skip a beat “I’m not complaining-” you rested your forehead against his “-I would never complain with such a wonderful husband I’m just-” you let out a huff of air “I don’t know, I might be acting a little silly but I just-”
“No” he cut you off softly, surprising himself with how his arms wrapped around your waist and how easily you rested yours on his chest “No, you’re not being silly. You are being right, just right. It’s completely reasonable to want… this.” he ended up saying in a low voice and you grinned at him.
“You know-” you chuckled “You are slowly turning into Dean, apart from not taking off his clothes, your voice is really starting to sound like his.” you said and Dean subconsciously cleared his throat, blinking.
“What’s wrong with my- Dean’s voice?” he asked, a small pout on his lips as he reluctantly - very reluctantly - let go of you and turned to grab his mug and take a large sip from his tea.
“Careful it’s hot.” you rushed to say although a little late because he had already drank some, making him stare at you with wide eyes. You giggled and shook your head.
“Oh I don’t know, if you ask me it’s the hottest thing I’ve heard in my life.” you shrugged, turning to the sink so that you could wash the last dishes and he would be lying majorly if he said a smile didn’t form on his lips that very moment.
He tried to hide it so hard, even if there was nobody looking. He had gotten so used to hiding his feelings for you 24/7 to the point that even when nobody was around, or at least watching him, he still felt the need to push them away. It was almost as if he feared that if he let them show he’d believe it himself, and that wasn’t something he wanted. Who would want to admit they were head over heels in love with their brother’s girlfriend? Not Dean Winchester, not him above all. Let alone when Sam was present, which now wasn’t the case.
It was a part of his life, much like hunting was. It was a second nature and Dean felt as if he had almost forgotten how it was to let himself smile at you calling him some nickname or more so flirt with him. Of course he remembered that the same flutter of his heart was always there, just like was the hatred for himself and what was going on, but he was always so used to pushing it away that now he didn’t know how to feel. He had forgotten how it was to let himself smile at you winking at him to the point that it felt so strange now, as if he wasn’t himself anymore.
“That and you singing- but boy don’t let me get started on that.” you bit your lip, as you looked at him and Dean took another large sip of his tea even if it burned like hell to hide the huge grin that threatened all the more to break on his face.
“I guess it explains why we didn’t make it out of bed last night.” you added with a chuckle and Dean’s eyebrows shot up. He cleared his throat as he dried his suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans. Gosh the things you could do to him with that look.
“And we have only one kid?” he found himself asking in surprise as you laughed, shrugging.
“Beats me.” you went back to the dishes as he got up to start helping you.
“Do you-” he started saying a little shyly “Do you think Dean’s… that hot?”
You laughed at the way he asked you and you looked at him with a raised eyebrow for a moment “Is someone having doubts today?” you asked playfully.
“I’m just- asking.” he said, trying to act casual “Besides, you talked about his voice and the singing and- yeah.” he cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks heat up dangerously.
“Either way-” you looked back down “Without a doubt. I mean, have you seen how those bowlegs look from behind? Oh dear Chuck help me.” you shook your head “Or the way you handle your guns makes me think all kinds of things. And I better not talk about how good you look when it comes to the Impala- Boy you give me all kinds of issues with those hands there baby.” you winked at him and Dean bit hard on his lower lip, feeling the butterflies in his stomach go crazy at the intensity your eyes held. It almost felt as if he could’t breathe when he realized just how many emotions your eyes held. And it was all for him.
“I do huh?” he asked softly and you chuckled at the tone in his voice.
“Would you like me to prove it to you?” you asked slyly, raising an eyebrow at him and Dean’s breath literally hitched in his throat. He didn’t expect that. Or maybe he did but never, literally never, directed at him. He had never gotten a glance like that from you, Sam was the only one to get those, much less a question like that. The mere tone in your voice made Dean feel all bothered and he knew he just shouldn’t be.
“No- no, I’m-” he cleared his throat “I’m alright, thanks.” he said in a voice a little too rough as he shook his head.
“Boy I love it when you act like this.” you laughed “But you didn’t really complain last time now, did you? I mean not that I complained either but- what’s the problem really Dean?” you asked with a sly smirk and he frowned deeply.
“Wh-what do you mean?” he asked a little nervously and you shrugged.
“You tell me.” you shrugged “Baby-” you laughed “If you want to role play again you just tell me. You know I’m up for it, all the time.” you winked at him and he blinked.
“Role- role playing?” he asked and you didn’t say a thing, only gave him a small smirk. He looked at you for a few minutes, a perplexed look on his face as he tried to study you. You had a smirk on your lips and you were sneaking glances at him from the corner of your eye. Until- until it dawned on him. Hard.
“Oh oooh.” his eyes widened as he felt the temprature rise around him “Right. Yeah, right.” he swallowed thickly, although he only felt his mouth go drier. You only chuckled at his bashful expression.
“Don’t go all shy on me now. I know I am probably the one that started it but: 1) can you blame me and 2) I never once heard you say no.” you grinned and he looked away for a moment, finding it all the more hard to breathe.
But he didn’t say anything after that. His eyes moved around nervously as he tried to figure out more about this place. No matter how much he tried, he knew he couldn’t get over the feeling that you just looked and acted so much like the (Y/n) he knew and loved. And he couldn’t get over the fact that if the circumstances were different he’d do his best to have this with you. A beautiful house, big enough for the three of you. You, him and a kid, gosh how he’d love to meet her now. The perfect apple pie life. He was never one for that, hunting was what he knew best but at the same time when he met you he caught himself thinking about things he’d never had before. Dreaming of a future he’d failed in having even when he had the chance to just because… honestly? It wasn’t with a woman he loved so much that would make him stop thinking about everything else, but the two of them. It simply wasn’t you, his universe’s you, that’s what he realized in the end.
He opened his mouth to speak but something else caught his attention. Something he had not noticed before and that made him curse at himself for not doing so because it was standing in the most obvious place. You had either forgotten about it there, and Sam had obviously not taken notice about it either, because he could have seriously questioned it. Dean left the last plate he dried on the kitchen counter and walked closer to the fridge. His eyes roamed the drawings and magnets that adorned it, some pictures there making him struggle to breath and even stand on his feet.
“(Y/n)?” he whispered, his voice hoarse.
“Yeah?” you asked softly, looking up to see him stand in front of the fridge; eyes glued on one picture in specific.
“What- what’s this?”
“What’s this?” his voice was shaking and as soon as you took notice of what he was talking your eyes widened.
“Oh crap, was that there all this time? I would have ruined the surprise.” you exclaimed, rushing to his side to take the photo – let’s say – from the fridge.
“Wait- wait-” Dean blinked “What surprise?”
“What do you mean?” you looked up at him, truly perplexed “The surprise. You know the one we have for Jared and Gen and practically everybody else in our fam- Alright, what is going on Jensen?”
“I’m- I’m alright, it’s just that-” he shook his head “I’m sorry it feels almost as if I’m not- not myself today.” he cleared his throat and in the end you sighed, giving him a sympathetic look.
“Baby” you cupped his cheek “Do you need to get some rest? Honestly just-”
“No, (Y/n).” he shook his head, cutting you off softly as he took a hold of your hand “Just- can you tell me what this is?”
You opened your mouth to question him but seemed to decide against it. You gave him a soft smile as you looked down at the photo “Our babies’ ultrasound picture.” you said as if it was the most simple thing in the world but honestly Dean almost felt his legs give out on him.
“Our what?” he whispered and you frowned in worry for a moment.
“The visit to the doctor I was talking to you about? It was about today, baby. I put the picture there to remember to show it to you but I didn’t know Jared was coming with you here today.” you breathed out a nervous laugh “Good thing I have an oscar because I almost lost it when you asked about the morning sickness.”
“It’s- you’re- we’re-” he blinked as he felt his eyes burn with unshed tears as he stared down at the photo, two small specks evident. Twins. Not so small, really but then again they would keep growing, right? And growing, and growing and growing until… they were born.
He didn’t know how this Jensen guy must have felt when hearing the news but at that very moment he didn’t even have the mind to think about that. All he cared in that very moment was what he had just heard and realized. You were pregnant. Pregnant. With his child, or basically children. For a split second – a very long split second – he actually felt as if all of this was real. Maybe this reality was different, yes, but he actually felt as if it was his own reality. It felt as if it was you, really you, telling him that you were pregnant with his child. Almost, but only almost, reminding him that the prospect of a family with you was possible.
Yeah, almost. Because there would always, always, be Sam.
“Jensen, honey.” your voice was laced with worry and almost fear “Are you alright? You’re- you’re acting as if you just found out, as if you had no idea about this. Is something going on? Because I’m getting really worried here.”
Dean blinked furiously as he tried to fight back the tears and gazed down in your eyes, seeing tears well up in yours. His worry for you took over and snapped him out of his own trail of thoughts. He pushed back all of his emotions and focused on you and your emotional well-being… as well as your babies’.
“No, no.” he shook his head, breathing out a laugh that sounded dry “I’m alright, sweetheart.” he grinned softly at you although his eyes were slightly glossy at the moment “I’m fine just- I had a few drinks with Jared before and I probably had a little too much.” he breathed out a laugh, feeling for the most part better at seeing you and feeling you relax under his touch as his hands were placed on your shoulders.
“Oh ok” you breathed out, gazing down at the picture in your hand “Their first picture though, right?” you asked as you glanced up at him and as much as Dean wanted to, as much as everything else screamed inside for him to suppress it he just couldn’t.
“Y-Yeah it is.” he said softly, bringing a hand to trace his fingers over it “So small. They’re like small pecks. Like- like two specks.” he said and you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing.
“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear you call our kids specks!” you laughed as you rested your head on his shoulder and the both of you stared down at the picture.
Dean for a moment stood there frozen in his place, his heart beating so fast and so hard inside his chest that he was sure you could very clearly feel and hear it. He couldn’t swallow properly much less breathe but boy he loved the feeling. He’d never thought this moment would come. He’d never thought that he’d find himself in yet another situation of you taking his breath away and him loving the hell out of it.
Two so small words that wouldn’t mean much to anyone else but to Dean actually meant the world. Two words that made him feel all kinds of things especially when they were uttered by you. He was going to have kids with you. Alright, maybe it wasn’t really him but for now and for that very moment he was… the father of your children. The father. He had a family with you, and at that moment it all dawned on him. He really did have a family with you, Sam- Jared- whatever was a friend he was obviously like a brother considering what he’d heard on set for the two of them but- but this family was his. The kids, born and not, were his and you were… you were married.
Maybe he should have realized it earlier, and up to some point he probably did but not the way he realized it now. Not in the way it dawned on him now. Not in the way he felt it now. You were married. And were having two more kids.
“Our kids.” he didn’t even hear or realize himself say the small word as it had been constantly running through his mind.
“Are you sure everything is ok?” you asked softly and he nodded his head.
“Yeah, yeah.” his voice cracked and you let a small sigh, smiling at him. You looked down for a second, placing a hand over your belly and only then did Dean realize that you were wearing a shirt that was a little bigger than you, obviously trying not to let anything show.
“Gosh I’m just two and a half months in and- and I already feel huge.” you pouted “Don’t want to think what will happen on eight months.” you huffed and Dean let a small laugh.
“You’re not that big baby, relax. Besides, even if you get bigger who cares? You’re always so gorgeous.” he said in awe as he cupped your face and you gave him a shy smile. It hurt more than it should when he realized that he didn’t have to pretend to be Jensen to say that.
“Shut up, I’m not.” you mumbled and he scoffed without a second thought.
“Don’t fight me on this. You know I can prove you wrong woman.” he gave you a stern look and you giggled, burying your face in his chest.
“Can you Mr Ackles?” you asked, your voice muffled but Dean could hear the smirk in your voice very well.
“Really? Don’t you ever stop?” he asked although a small smile was on his lips.
“With a husband like you?” you scoffed “Hell no! Nobody would, trust me it’s a fact! Besides, I guess the fact that we’re about to have two more mini us running around here means that really: I never stop with you.” you grinned widely, your smile almost seductive and Dean couldn’t stop a laugh.
“I bet.” he breathed out and you shrugged shyly.
“Sorry, can’t help it. It’s the hormones.” you mumbled and he shook his head.
“I guess-” he bit his lip before you looked up and he rested his forehead against yours “-I don’t really mind.”
And if it was any other situation Dean would have kicked himself so hard for even thinking to say those words not to mention actually doing so. But here he was, and here he was actually holding you and staring at you with love-filled eyes. He didn’t even try to mask it, he didn’t even try to hide the slightest thing. He just let himself gaze at you with the same lovesick look he had on his face every time you would do the smallest of things and not look at him. Well, yeah he always tried to fight it off but there was only so much he could take. Even if those moments lasted for a split second a day.
“Of course you wouldn’t.” you chuckled, chewing on your lower lip with a small shake of your head “Come on.” you said softly grabbing his hand and tugging at it.
“Where to?” he gave you an adorable frown and you giggled at him.
“Don’t worry I’m not gonna do anything you don’t want me to yet.” you winked as you led him to the living room “But you’re too tired and it’s obvious you need some rest.” you gave his hand a squeeze and Dean felt his own heart swell inside his chest. How could you be so perfect? He knew he didn’t deserve something this good but he wasn’t going to question it, not at the moment; he didn’t really have the mind to.
“Do you want to watch some Tv or-”
“Talk” he suggested a little shyly but you grinned at him, nodding your head. You shifted slightly, sitting next to him on the couch. Dean stiffened for a moment but couldn’t stop the smile off his face as he let himself slowly relax, his guards going down as he wrapped his arms around you and you practically lay on top of him. Your head was resting on his chest and Dean slowly brought a hand up to hold yours that was resting on his chest as well. It was such a small gesture but Dean could still feel his heart skip a beat.
“What do you want to talk about?” you asked in a soft voice, giving him that tender smile.
“I don’t know. Anything I guess.” he frowned, too occupied by you being so close to him that he almost forgot how to speak “Us” he dared add the small word in a whisper.
“What about us?” you looked up at him, tangling your feet with his.
He had gotten to experience this only a few times that he still remembered vividly each and every one of them. Well, of course all of them were during hunts and when Sam could not join you and you hated sleeping in a bed alone. But of course it was always friendly and Dean always had to find an excuse to justify the reason as to why you’d always end up a tangled mess of limbs and him cuddling the life out of you. The only thing he was glad about was that you’d just laugh him off, call him adorable – and yes he had to protect his manliness then too – and with a kiss on the cheek you’d be off the bed… only to leave him aching for more. More contact, more gazing and more love. But he never got that from you.
“I just- anything I guess. Just- Just talk to me as if I’m not Jensen, as if I’m… Dean and- and you’re trying to explain everything: from our meeting to us getting… here, and this.” he looked around him, almost feeling his heart drum in his chest.
You frowned slightly at him but smiled nonetheless “Alright then, Mr Winchester.” you cuddled more with him “What would you like to know about my lovely husband and me first?” you giggled softly and Dean almost closed his eyes for a moment; gosh did he love that sound.
“Well, how did we- you… happen?” he was almost getting caught into this dream himself without realizing it.
“You had to choose that huh?” you giggled as he raised an eyebrow “You are really going to make me say the most embarrassing story of my life again? Fine-” you huffed “I was talking with Gen, had the day off and we wanted to get some coffee and have a walk. But she still wanted to see Jared, they had just started dating, and were clingy as hell. It was gross back then but when Jensen and I started dating as well it was- it was much worse actually.” you giggled and he grinned slightly.
“Go on” he whispered.
“Alright, so we decided to come by the set for about half an hour and then head for the shops, or something. I don’t remember what we’d planned after that, anyway. So while we were waiting for Jared to show up, I think he still had a scene to finish, we were having a small talk. The previous night we’d started a talk at a bar. Well, her and my drunk self. The barman looked an awful lot like you and in my drunken state I couldn’t tell them apart so I had hit on him, thinking it was you, I told him how pretty and dreamy he was-”
“Dreamy?” he cut you off with raised eyebrows and you chuckled.
“Oh hell yeah, dreamy and what beautiful eyes you have and what a cute smile too. That and very very veeeery charming. My exact words, no kidding. I told you how soft your hair always looks and how much of a turn on those bowlegs are.” you laughed shyly “I may or may have not said I sometimes just stare at them but oh well. I even talked about how tempting you are when you’re shirtless and how I’d gladly eat you over any amount of pies offered. And Gen had of course heard me, she was just there and when she asked me who I was talking to I didn’t hesitate a moment to tell her it was you. She asked me why I was hitting on him thinking it was you-” you didn’t realize how you were not refering to him as Dean anymore and he didn’t even bother to mention it “-And of course I told her, like everything.”
“So the next day-” you let a soft sigh “-I had to finish what I had started saying it because of the alcohol, obviously or else she wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. I told her about everything, how I felt for you, how much of a heart attack I almost had every time you’d flirt with me because you have to be such a Dean Winchester sometimes-” you laughed softly as he grinned to himself “-I told her about how many things I liked we had in common, how much I felt you could understand me, how at home I was with you, how great, kind, generous and funny you were and how… I could hardly keep myself from ripping your clothes and just taking you, sometimes.” you said, closing your eyes and buying your face in his chest with an embarassed smile as Dean couldn’t fight back a huge smile and loud laugh.
“You- you what?” he said in between laughing hard as you whined.
“Hey!” you hit his chest with your fist “Need you embarrass me this bad every single time you hear it?” you looked up at him with a pout and frown as his laughter died down.
He brought a hand up, without realizing it, and cupped your cheek “Sorry, I’m sorry baby.” he said softly, leaning down to kiss your forehead tenderly; his lips lingering there for longer than he should considering he knew who he was but not who you thought he was.
“Go on, please?” he asked gently, giving you a soft smile as you sighed and nodded your head.
“Alright-” you looked back down at your hands as he didn’t think a moment to place his hand on top of yours “So then I obviously got carried away and started talking about everything that I love in you, from your eyes that could get so dark if they wanted to, to your lips, to yours jaw, your chest, your skin, your hands even your legs that just are- well, yeah, it’s not my fault my husband is walking porn.”
“I’m what?” he smirked as you glared at him “Wait- wait you didn’t say that out loud, did you?” he smirked and you were too into the story to notice how he was indeed curious and completely clueless about what you were saying and what had happened.
“Living and breathing porn. That’s what it was and I am not even ashamed of it, alright?” you huffed but smiled nonetheless “And just because I have the greatest luck on Earth and you the best timing-” you giggled, shaking your head “You were behind me, that very moment. The only thing I wanted was the Earth to open and swallow me. I just didn’t want to exist. You had that smug smirk on your face that I just, I know I deny it, but I love it so much. And you flirted with me and I wanted to come up with a comeback but I was blushing fifty shades of red and I couldn’t. And it didn’t help that Jared was there and was teasing you and therefore me. Luckily Gen pulled him away and they left us alone but still- yeah, I wanted to die in that very moment.”
“And did I make things worse or not?”
“Surprisingly enough, no. After some point you got more serious and much to my surprise you actually asked me out. I- I was in such a shock and so embarassed I stood there just staring at you, not saying no or yes. I don’t think I understood what you were asking me for about ten minutes but in the end I just agreed and… ran off.” you chuckled “Thinking back to that moment it must have looked really stupid but you never said anything, never. And you- you were such a gentleman, nervous like hell yes but a gentleman.”
“Nervous huh? Yeah sounds like me.” he whispered as he played with your fingers.
He had once sort of asked you out, before you’d met Sam, even if he had not really called it a date and he’d been nervous as hell himself; almost tripping everything that was on the table and stumbling himself many times. Let’s not talk about the stuttering because that definitely was unlike Dean Winchester.
“It was the most adorable sigh I’d ever seen in my life. Just when I thought you’d be full of yourself because of what you’d heard, I- I couldn’t believe my eyes.” you breathed and locked your fingers with his. Dean stiffened for a moment as he stared down at your hands. It was such a simple gesture for you but for him it made his heart stop beating and he almost forgot how to breath.
“I think it made me fall for you all over again.” you whispered, closing your eyes and nuzzling your face in his chest as he let out a shuddering breath.
“And what about after that?” he breathed out and you opened your eyes, biting your lower lip in thought.
“Well, it gets really cheesy after that. We were and I think still are such a clingy couple, people must be really sick of us.” you smiled “But I know it doesn’t matter that much. It didn’t take you long to propose, I was scared at first I’ll admit. I didn’t know if we were ready, I didn’t always really look forward to that moment. I thought if it was to come it should come, but I was scared that if it didn’t work out that I’d lose you and I just didn’t want it.” you let out a shaky breath.
“But it did.” he whispered and you nodded your head with a grin.
“Hence, one kid and two more coming, after almost seven years and it feels like we’re still on honeymoon.” you squeezed his hand and he grinned.
“How did you first feel when you found out you were pregnant?” he asked and you looked up at him now.
“Scared, more than ever in my life, but at the same time excited as hell. I didn’t know how you’d react, I knew that you’d love the kid, that I was sure about, but you know there always is that small part in you that will make you think of the worst scenario possible.” you placed a hand over your belly “A small life growing inside of me, it was unbelievable. It felt like a miracle but- but it happens, that’s how it happens. We were going to have a kid and I couldn’t think of anything else, just like now. There are two little souls in here, our kids Jens.” you smiled and Dean saw tears of happiness well up in your eyes.
“Isn’t it amazing? I think about it at times, life is really a wonder.” your fingers played with your shirt as you slowly lifted it and Dean couldn’t help but stare at the small bump, feeling tears well up in his own eyes.
“It is.” he breathed out, slowly bringing a hand down. His hand ghosted over your belly but he didn’t dare bring it down to place it over your skin. You glanced at him with a small frown and removed your hand to make room for his. Dean was reluctant but did lower his hand and once it came in contact with your skin he felt pleasant goosebumps form. He caught himself smiling without realizing it. They were both very small but the fact that he knew that they were in there still was enough for him to tear up.
“I remember when Justice was in here, growing slowly but surely. Sometimes, even after birth I could feel as if she was in here and kicking. Maybe I complained sometimes but it was the most amazing feeling I ever got to experience. That and the first time I held her in my arms. Do you remember? I had not stopped cursing at you during labor, but it was so much worth it.”
“It was.” he whispered, closing his eyes for a moment and resting his chin on top of your head. His heart beat hard inside his chest from both longing and bliss as he rubbed your belly and pain because he could never have this. Why had life to be so hard on him? He’d always put everyone else first, even strangers he didn’t know to save them, and when he met you he only longed for one thing: you. He wanted a family and normal life to but he was willing to put up with hunting still if he had you at least. But he didn’t, not in his neither in this universe; not really.
“I think the only drawback was that I had to be off so many episodes, because of the big belly.” you said, placing a hand on top of his “Good thing they found a way to add me in the season finale at least or else the fans would have flipped out.” you giggled and Dean opened his eyes. He cleared his throat and reluctantly lifted his hand and lowered your shirt. You shifted again so that you could look again at him.
“What- what about the show?” he asked and you frowned.
“What about the show, Dean?” you asked an for a moment he almost thought you were really talking to him him.
“I mean-” he looked down for a moment “I mean what do you love most about it? How does it feel to be a part of it?”
“The wildest ride of my life.” you chuckled “A true rollercoaster, I have never laughed more in my life than when I am with you and of course I haven’t cried more while reading a script too.” you shake your head “But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. The moment I got (Y/n)’s role in the show it felt like something fell in place, that and I got to spend more time with you with a reason.” you gave him a small shrug “You know better than anyone how the cast and crew is a family. I’ve always admired everybody’s work in the show and I just- I was over the moon when I realized that even if it was for just a few episodes I could be part of something this great.”
“But… it wasn’t just a few episodes.”
“Yeah, the fans really seemed to like (Y/n) what can I say? You know how much I love acting and getting to do that with you on set, it was the perfect combination.” you took hold of his hand and he chewed on his lower lip.
“(Y/n)’s amazing, it’s impossible to not love her.” he whispered and you smiled just slightly.
“That’s not fair, though.” you looked up at hi with a grin “You’re my husband, you’re saying that because youlove me.” you said with a shy smile and he chuckled, taking hold of your hand and bringing it up to his lips; kissing it gently as he closed his eyes.
It still felt so bizarre to be able to do this, to hold you, to kiss you without you pushing him away and telling him it would be wrong because you were with his brother. He could express his feelings, even if he felt guilty as hell too, and not have to put up the facade of happy for your and his brother’s sake.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” he smiled when he heard your chuckle. You leaned up and pecked his lips, Dean feeling his heart flutter even if the kiss lasted for a mere second.
“But you know, I always feel that’s where I always belonged. On set, doing what I love, with the man I love and the rest of my family.” you sighed softly as you played with his finger but Dean was to caught up in the small word that left your lips.
His mind went blank and his heart was beating so hard in his chest he was scared it would burst out. He almost felt dizzy, definitely weak but lucky that he was laying on the couch because his knees would have given away. His palms started getting sweaty and his mouth felt dry.
“You… love me?” he whispered, his voice rough.
You looked at him and giggled, giving him that playful yet full of love smile he had seen you give Sam so many times as he stood in the shadows, watching his brother kiss the woman he loved “Of course, silly.” you cupped his cheek “I love you, more than anything.”
“I-” he wanted so much to respond, he wanted so much to say the words back just as he’d heard Sam say it so many times. He’d do anything to be able to get the words out of his mouth, just to see that beautiful smile of yours and that red tint on your cheeks along with a soft kiss on the lips. But his throat felt tight and as much as he hated himself, he closed his mouth and gave you a small smile. You didn’t question him, only snuggled to him. Why couldn’t he be what you needed him to? All he had to do was say those three little words, just as easily as Sam could, but he wasn’t good enough even for that.
“Family huh?” he whispered and you nodded your head.
“Well, we are, aren’t we? I mean family don’t end in blood and we both know it.” you shrugged “I still remember how excited I was the day I got that phone call, seriously I am never going to forget it. I don’t think I’d trade this role for anything in the world, she’s perfect with every imperfection. It’s great discovering every part of her. Everything is great about portraying her in the show.”
“But… but you’re- I mean (Y/n), your character, she’s Sam’s girlfriend.”
“Yeah, so?” you asked, looking up at him.
“I mean, isn’t that something that- put you off at first or something? Seeing as you and I are- yeah.” he blinked, clearing his throat.
“Baby, come on.” you laughed at him and he shifted uncomfortably in his place for a moment “Do we really need to go through another moment of jealousy? We’ve talked about this so many times.”
“Talked about… what?” he breathed out the question.
“You know, me and Jared. Me and you. (Y/n) and Sam… (Y/n) and Dean.” there was something in your voice when you said the last part that caught Dean’s curiosity.
He almost felt like a fool for not even thinking of asking you, for not thinking of talking with you about it sooner. If anything you played (Y/n), you had so much in common, he didn’t doubt you’d know her better than anyone. And that applied not to the things she did but actually her motives, her thoughts and what interested him the most: her feelings.
“What about (Y/n) and Dean?” he tried to keep his voice from trembling as well as his breathing. He laughed slightly, trying to act casual even if his heart was hammering in his chest.
“There’s no (Y/n) and Dean, they are just friends… aren’t they?”
And he asked te question he needed to be answered more than anything “There’s no (Y/n) and Dean, they are just friends… aren’t they?”
“Baby, what is it?” you frowned, tilting your head to the side “Why are you asking me all these questions now?”
“I just- I figured there were some things I wanted to hear from you, some things getting complicated with Dean… and his role, and Sam so I just… yeah.” he pursed his lips, frowning at himself when he realized that sounded so not convincing.
“Is it about Sam or… Jared?” you asked with a raised eyebrow and his frown only deepened.
“Baby, if you still are jealous over the scenes we have I- I seriously don’t know what to say, now. I thought I’d done enough to show you how much I love you, I didn’t know you still doubted yourself so much about it.” you whispered “But- but if I have to say this all over again, every single day of my life then I will. Jens, you know he is my best friend, he is like a brother to me and quite honestly there is no man on this Earth that could ever make me feel the way I do about you. There is no man that I could love more than you, baby.”
“He’s… a great guy. He’s literally perfect.” he breathed out, not entirely meaning Jared but rather his own brother “I wouldn’t… really blame you.”
“Probably but to me it’s only you that I find perfect. It’s only you that I want and it certainly is only you that I find the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. And all these flaws that you can’t stop thinking about? I love them too, because I really think that’s what love is about. Maybe Jared can be perfectly-sweet-Sam anyday but to me… I would take imperfectly-broken-Dean you any moment because this is the man I fell in love with. And I can’t change that, not that I want to. I am with you because I love you, and seriously you have no reason to be jealous of him. No matter the scenes, no matter the words- it’s all acting, baby. It’s my job but at the end of the day? It’s your arms I wanna be in.” you didn’t even realize you were rambling but Jensen was just like everybody else he got self-conscious about things like this and you always tried your best to soothe him down, only saying the truth every time.
“That’s the only thing I want too.” he whispered and you squeezed his hand.
“Good, because as much as I did love your moments of jealousy in the past this is actually your best friend we’re talking about and this is making everything hella awkward.” you chuckled and he grinned at you.
“Awkward and weird is what we do, isn’t it?”
“Absolutely.” you looked deeply in his eyes “But just because you asked… I really think this is what defines (Y/n) and Dean’s relationship, ‘cause I can’t really call it a friendship and you know it.”
“Wh-what do you mean?” he frowned slightly, giving you a perplexed look.
“This? The doubts, the worries and the fear it’s all too Dean-like, which of course you know but to be honest I really think it’s a lot (Y/n)-like too.”
“(Y/n)… doubts she’s good enough for Sam?”
“Sam and… even more so, Dean.” you breathed out and his eyebrows shot up.
“She doesn’t think she’s good enough for Dean?” the shock was evident in his voice and face but you didn’t realize a thing. Not at least the way Dean was actually comprehending things at the moment. That was something he had never heard from you, his universe’s you at least, nor something he would ever really expect or think for that matter. He was the flawed one, Sam and you were all always the perfect ones which was partly why you were made for one another in his opinion. But that didn’t seem like it was the case for you.
“Why do you think she never really made a move on him when they first met?” you chuckled at his perplexed expression that you only found adorable “Or even more brushed off every single flirty remark from Dean too.”
“I thought… because she wasn’t interested in him.” he muttered, blinking.
“With these looks and a personality to fall head over heels for in a day? Are you kidding me, what kind of woman in her right mind wouldn’t want something more with Dean Winchester?!” you giggled and he subconsciously squeezed your hand as he practically gaped at you.
“But she… didn’t.” he breathed out the statement and you played with his fingers, almost distracting him for a second at how perfectly your hands fit together.
“As I said: Scared. I think that’s the part I can relate the most with her. She couldn’t believe a man like Dean would ever want her. He-” you paused, smiling softly “You’re great Dean. You’re perfect, despite all of your imperfections. I know that’s how she sees you. You are a hero to her. And I know that even if she knew, even if she could read your mind 24/7 she would still be unable to believe you are interested in her, not to mention actually feel something as far as love for her. She got scared, and she chose to be friends with you for fear of losing you. She put everything aside, even that small- honestly more like huge spark between you. I think your reputation this time did you no justice.”
“But- but she wouldn’t love me. I’m- I-” he pursed his lips, breathing heavily as he felt his heart beat faster and harder than before.
“What?” you whispered “Broken? Bent? A curse to everyone you love? An alcoholic with daddy issues that doesn’t know how to do love? A disappointment? Not to her, Dean. Certainly not to her.” you shook your head subtly.
“Then what am I to her?” he barely heard himself say the words, he doubted you did.
“I told you, her hero. You’ve saved her so many times, and I don’t mean just during hunts. She had been able to confide to you, tell you things she hadn’t even dared mention to Sam. You provided a shelter for her, and to be honest maybe I don’t knowhow clear this friendship of yours is at the moment but I do know that you will always be more than just a friend or brother to her, Dean.” you shrugged, nuzzling your face in the crook of his neck.
“She hasn’t told Sam?” he breathed out with a frown.
“Not everything, now. I think maybe because she’s scared or even more doesn’t want to burden him any further. I guess she loves him a little too much.” you added and Dean felt his heart drop.
“Loves him huh?” what was he expecting to hear you say?
'No, actually she is head over heels in love with you Dean but is with Sam because she’s scared to admit the truth.’? Hell no. Maybe there was an attraction at first, maybe just like you confessed it Dean had actually felt it himself. But he knew that was not the case anymore. Your heart belonged to Sam, weather he liked it or not.
“Yeah, Sammy. Always him.” he said a little too bitterly, making you raise an eyebrow at him but still smile playfully.
“You ship us a little too much or is it my idea?” you giggled and he gave you a tight smile.
“Yeah, I guess I do.” he forced a chuckle “I just can’t help but want to see it happen, you know? We missed that chance at first, after all.”
“Oh you never know with the writers we have.” you giggled and he frowned, feeling the question nudge at him to ask it.
“And Sam?” he whispered “If- if (Y/n) was… smitten with Dean in the first place why did she go on with him?”
“You know, that was what troubled me at first too. I know that I could see the chemistry between her and Dean, and it’s not just because it was you and me. I could almost feel it from the first moment I got the script. I talked with them, though and I really could see the point there. Dean-” you bit your lip “You can have any woman you want just like that but when did that ever last for longer than a year? She wanted something steady, something to make her feel safe and with all those fights you’d had about her safety during hunts only proved that she couldn’t take a relationship with you.”
“Is that how she feels about it?” he felt his heart tighten inside his chest at the possibility that he was the one responsible for pushing you into another man’s arms.
“I don’t think she has fully realized it, no. But I think deep down it’s Sam calmness, it’s how sweet he is all the time and how caring and soft he is most of the time that first drew her to him. She had a rocky life, she needed for the first time to just lay down and take a break. And then of course, I am sure she fell in love with him.” you added the last sentence and Dean clenched his jaw, nodding his head. Because he actually realized that he had let his fears, his worries, his self-doubt and his overprotectiveness drive you away.
“Sam was always great to her, of course there were fights but that always happens. I think it really has to do with the specific moment in her life that she met him that made all of this happen. If the situation was different, and if Dean, and maybe her too, had acted on that first feeling things would be really different right now.” you confessed.
“Now” he repeated “How are things really now, though? You- you said about how she first felt, you talked about Sam. How she felt then, how she feels now about him. But you didn’t say how she feels about Dean now.”
“I thought I did.” you frowned, letting out a chuckle “What do you really wanna know about (Y/n)’s feelings now, because I suspect there is really one thing you want me to talk about.”
“I just-” he hesitated, almost feeling as if Sam would just appear in front of him any minute “Does she have feelings for Dean? Feelings like the ones she has for Sam or is he the only one she wants?”
“You really want me to say it huh?” you giggled, pushing on your hands as you got slightly up, looking down at him in the eyes “Oh Ackles” you giggled and Dean’s smile fell for a moment, not just because he could see you were thinking this was just a game – when to him it was his life – but because you also stopped calling him with his name.
“You’re a possessive little shit, aren’t you?” you grinned widely down at him and even if he felt disappointed that you didn’t answer him, he did catch himself smiling at you. The words that left his lips almost choked him.
“Maybe I am. Who can blame me?” he shrugged, bringing a hand up to cup your cheek “Can’t help it if my wife’s the most wonderful woman on Earth?” he breathed out and you smiled shyly, nuzzling your face in his palm.
“You sap.” you whispered “You just say what you know I wanna hear.”
“No” he breathed out “I am just being honest. I’m the luckiest man alive to have you. I- I don’t know if I tell you often but-”
“Jensen, baby. You know I- I understand, I know how you feel. There are no words needed.” you whispered, resting your forehead on his.
“I know, but I still feel the need to say it. I need to say it to you every single day I wake up next to you. I need to show you how much I appreciate you, how important you are to me and how thankful I am to you for making me happy. I am so thankful for you baby.” he breathed out, swallowing the lump in his throat “I am so thankful for you choosing me over all those men that you could deserve to spend your life with. I am thankful for giving me the greatest gift of all, for making me a father. Twice.” he breathed out a chuckle, hesitating but placing a hand over your belly.
“And I’m thankful for your love when I so don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you but I have you, and I am so thankful for that. Even that I have you in my life in the first place. I am so thankful for that. And maybe I don’t show it enough, maybe sometimes work gets the best of me. But I shouldn’t let it, I shouldn’t just let it distract me not from what really matters to me. I should shower you with love all day, every single day of my life and I’m sorry if sometimes I- I don’t. I’m-” he didn’t even realize when he had started rambling but he didn’t stop for a second to think about it, because if he did he would stop altogether and never say a thing again. He was never one to speak about his feelings, but it seemed that since having you here in his arms and with his emotions getting the best of him he couldn’t stop. And for the first time he really felt alright with letting it all out.
“I love you so much.” you breathed out, tears having welled up in your eyes. You almost choked on a sob but the big smile you had on your face only showed how much his words meant to you.
Before Dean could say a thing he felt your soft hands cup his face, already having grown to love the feeling a little too much. He saw you lean in, as if there was really any space left between you as you pressed your lips on his gently. Almost making him feel as if this was the first kiss you ever shared and you wanted to cherish it. Dean’s eyes slowly fell shut and he let out a content sigh as his lips moved with yours.
It was the first time he didn’t even think about pulling away, he just let his lips enjoy it as his heart beat fast inside his chest. His hands found your waist as he held you close to him, as you pressed your own lips more to his, trying to deepen the kiss. And Dean didn’t protest, it was all so intimate he couldn’t have even imagined it. He felt your one hand slide down from his chest to abdomen to the button of his jeans and he gasped when he felt your fingers fidget with it. You giggled into the kiss and despite everything he caught himself grinning like a teen falling in love for the first time.
“You’re so adorable when-” you let a small moan as you kissed him “When you go all bashful on me.” you pulled away, looking down at him while biting your lip.
“Yeah, yeah right.” he scoffed, but his voice came more rough than before. How could you have such an effect on him?
“You gotta be all macho, huh?” you asked with a smirk “Come on, tough guy. You said you wanted to show your girl some love? This is your chance.” you grinned, as you shifted, getting up and taking hold of his hand, dragging him up from the couch. Not that Dean protested, he never would.
“Wh-what? Where- where are we going?” he stuttered and you leaned in to peck his lips, but actually gave him a small bite too.
“Gosh if you could hear yourself now.” you laughed at how his voice rose an octave “I’m taking you to my secret room. Are you ready for Fifty Shades of Ackles?” you smirked and his eyebrows shot up for a moment. He would have actually believed it if it wasn’t for the way you laughed.
“Come on, Jens. It’s been a long day for you apparently.” you said more softly and although everything in him told him to stop you he just couldn’t bring himself to.
Even as you passed Sam’s room Dean wished so bad he could force himself to stop you. To tell you he needed some time to himself, to let you fall asleep and then pretend that he fell asleep on the couch without realizing it. But he just couldn’t. Maybe it was the closed door, maybe it was the fact that you didn’t mention him – even when Dean spent alone time with you you’d always mention Sam, maybe without even realizing it – or maybe it was the fact that he wanted himself to be lied to, because this was such a beautiful lie he could gladly live in for the rest of his life if he would. Whatever the reason he didn’t stop you. He only let you guide him towards, what he only assumed, your shared bedroom.
Yours and Jensen’s, yeah maybe, but for now he was Jensen. He didn’t know how much he had in common with the guy, he didn’t know if he even had one thing in common– alright yeah maybe he did, the great love for you – but at the very moment he couldn’t think of a single thing. His mind was almost blank as he felt your warm small hand, compared to his at least, hold onto him and guide him. With every step he took he felt his heart beat faster and faster. He looked around like a little kid for a few moments, taking in as much of his surroundings as possible even if it was just a hallway.
He knew he shouldn’t care about such a thing at that very moment. He knew he shouldn’t even let himself get carried away but then again it was his own feelings that really brought that about. So even if his logic screamed at him to tell you to stop his heart and practically everything else in him just let him get carried away. He’d been fighting this for so long he just was tired. He had not realized it himself but dear did he want to stop. He wished so bad for all of it to be over.
He wanted to get rid of the lies even if he had to live in a lie himself. He knew he should think about his brother, about how wrong this was, about how if it was the real you, the (Y/n) he’d met all those years ago, he couldn’t do a thing because you didn’t feel the same. This would be like taking advantage of you, taking advantage of the situation and the fact that he was supposed to pretend for you to not realize he wasn’t Jensen. He could lie about that, yeah he had become an expert in lying, but the truth was that he wasn’t pretending. From that first kiss he wasn’t pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Because no matter who this Jensen guy was, no matter the differences he knew one thing for him that applied to Dean and actually made them similar in so many ways it was hard to understand.
No he wasn’t pretending because, just like him, Dean was utterly and helplessly in love with you.
And that was enough for him to get pulled into this beautiful lie. He was tired and he just wanted some peace for once. Didn’t he deserve it? Maybe he’d wake up tomorrow to find himself in his old bed without you there but instead with his brother and even if that mere fact should make him want to pull away – because yes nothing could change you were Sam’s – Dean just couldn’t find it in himself. He needed this, even if it lasted for a few minutes he just needed it. He needed to hold you even if it all proved to be a big lie in the morning. He was willing to take it.
And for that Dean loathed himself even more, if it was possible.
“(Y/n)” his voice trembled as he squeezed your hand. It didn’t stop you though and you opened your bedroom’s door, dragging him inside and without a second thought you closed the door and pressed him on it. Well, what could you say? Hormones.
“No words. No more talking.” you shook your head and before he could let out another sound you grabbed him by the collar of his flannel and crashed your lips to his.
And boy was he a goner.
His eyes fluttered shut as as he felt your warm lips move against his. And he wanted to feel guilty, he wanted to hate himself for it and he wanted to be able to push you away but he did none of it. He only let himself get lost in your touch and actually responded to the kiss. If someone had ever told him there would come a day like this he would have laughed straight in their face – and maybe not stopped thinking about it later while draining a bottle of whiskey – but here he was.
He didn’t even try to stop himself as he brought his hands up and cupped your face, deepening the kiss ever so slightly. He caressed your cheek with his thumb as he kissed you back. He couldn’t believe he was actually kissing you back and nothing and nobody was actually trying to stop him. Maybe his guilt would have but at the very moment his mind was totally blank.
He felt you press your body on his and he let out a small gasp when he felt every curve of youor body fit perfectly in his own ones. He felt you bite slightly on his lower lip and he couldn’t stop a smile. No wonder you would actually do that. His one hand moved down to your waist where he gave you a small squeeze. Your lips moved in perfect sync and Dean had never thought it would feel this great. He had never thought he’d feel at such peace, he never thought that for once in his life he wouldn’t feel like a huge weight was sitting on his not only shoulders but heart as well.
Maybe this wasn’t his own reality but Dean didn’t even want to care anymore. He had now wrapped both of his hands on your waist and pressed you to his body as much as he could. He needed to feel all of you for however long it took. He smiled into the kiss without realizing because your lips felt like the sweetest thing on Earth. He let a small moan and content sigh when you tilted your head to the side and kissed him more. He had dreamed so many times about this, each time waking up with guilt eating him out on the inside, but reality was just so much better. He could keep dreaming and imagining as much as he wanted but this- it far exceeded all of his expectations.
Your lips felt soft against his, fitting perfectly like two puzzle pieces. He practically melted in the kiss, only for a split second thinking that this is what Sam could so easily have from you any moment he wanted. He wanted to feel bad, hell even thinking that this wasn’t yet entirely his – even in this universe you weren’t really Dean’s per say – but maybe you could do magic with those lips because he didn’t have the mind to think about it for more than just a minute.
He didn’t even realize it when his back stopped being pressed to the door. He was so lost in your lips that he just let you pull him by the hand, slowly getting rid of his flannel in the process as you led him to your bed. Your bed. He shared a bed with you. Dear lord he didn’t want to leave this place already.
Without even letting his lips go for a moment Dean’s back was met with the soft mattress and he let out a small groan, mostly from his sore muscles, that was soon accompanied by a small huff of air as he felt your weight on him seconds afterwards. Your legs were on either side of his waist and he felt your hands ran under his shirt. Dean’s one hand was on your waist, his fingers squeezing and almost digging into your skin. His other hand run up your back to your shoulders so that he could bring you closer. His breathing was heavy as he struggled to get proper air but he didn’t want to pull away for a moment.
Was this how you always were with his brother? Was this how his brother always felt when you were with him? He didn’t even have a second to think about it. You wouldn’t even let him think about what his full name was with how impatient you seemed to be getting. Dean couldn’t help but smirk at that. You could act like such a little kid when you wanted something. You were so adorably eager and couldn’t even wait, no matter what they told you. He always loved that small frown on your face when you couldn’t have some things your way.
At some point he felt your lips leave his and before he could stop himself a small whine left. He heard you let out a soft chuckle that despite everything made him grin. He felt your lips move to his cheek, then jaw and down to his neck. He was pleasantly surprised to see that you found his soft spot so easily and he bit his kiss swollen lip when you bit down on it just slightly. He felt your fingers fidget with the button of his jeans and that was when his eyes snapped open.
It almost felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped on him that very moment. He heard you panting as you struggled to undo it but before you could do anything more Dean took in a shaky breath and grabbed your hands, slowly but surely pushing you away.
“Wh-what?” you asked breathlessly, and dear was he so tempted to just grab your face and crash his lips back to yours. Your lips were kiss swollen, slightly red and matching your cheeks. Your hair was slightly messy, had he been running his fingers through them? And your chest was moving up and down as you were breathing heavily.
“I’m- I’m sorry, baby.” oh dear how it felt to say that “We just- we can’t.” he cleared his throat, shifting in his place as he felt too hot and bothered in his own clothes. Boy the effect you had on him.
“Why not?” you breathed out, practically breaking his heart as you recoiled from him with disappointment written all over your face. And did he hate himself for that.
“It’s just- baby, you’re pregnant and-”
“And the doctor said it would be fine! I am perfectly healthy.” tears started welling up in your eyes so you turned your head so he wouldn’t notice.
“I- I know, sweetheart.” he seriously had no idea because he wasn’t the one there “It’s just that- that I don’t want to risk it. And- and it’s better if we take some breaks occasionally. I mean last night we- yeah.” he cleared his throat “Besides I’m just a little tired too and-”
“Just cut the crap Jensen.” you scoffed, shrugging his arms off of you abruptly as you got up from the bed. He knew he was trying to find every excuse he could find to not do this, even if every fiber in his body reached out for you.
“If you’re trying to find an excuse to avoid this then just- just go ahead and tell me you’re not in the mood. It’s not like I’m gonna make you do something you don’t want to.” you said through pursed lips but Dean could see that your lower lip was trembling.
“No, (Y/n). Please.” he breathed out getting up to place two hands on your shoulders but you flinched before he could even properly touch you “It’s not that. I- I want this.” oh dear did he say that out loud?
“I want this like you have no idea.” he closed his eye, swallowing hard “You really have no idea how much I want you, baby. How much- everything in me just screams for you. But please try to understand me, I just- I-”
“You what? What Jensen?” you snapped at him and only then he saw your glossy eyes “How am I even supposed to understand that my own husband has been cold ever since he came back from work? You didn’t kiss me back properly and even stood there frozen when I kissed you. How am I supposed to understand that you are trying to find every possible excuse to- to avoid even sleeping with me in the same bed and don’t pretend as if you didn’t try that. I noticed it very well. Jared- Jared seemed more willing to be in the same room as me than my own husband did! How am I supposed to understand that?!” a tear slipped and you wiped it away furiously.
You shook your head angrily but Dean could see you felt more rejected than anything else. And he didn’t have to think hard to know you thought it was all your fault. But it wasn’t and Dean needed to make sure you knew it, making sure he didn’t let you know the whole truth in the meantime. Yeah, not easy. But he knew that no matter what it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing and nobody in the world that would make him feel any less of what he already did for you.
“(Y/n) please.” his voice cracked as a sob threatened to leave his lips “Please, baby. You- You will never be able to understand, I can hardly understand it myself, but it’s not your fault. Please believe that. It has nothing to do with you. You- you are the one to blame the least sweetheart.” he slowly extended a hand to cup your cheek but even if you held his gaze for a few minutes, almost trying to believe him, you still turned your head on the other side.
“Try to convince yourself first.” you said shakily.
“(Y/n) believe me! This is not about you- This- it’s so messed up you wouldn’t understand. You could never be able to understand what really is going on. There are things that- that it’s better if you don’t know about.” he shook his head. One thing that he didn’t want to take from you: this innocence.
The fact that you had no idea about the supernatural made everything better. He didn’t want you to have to think about you and your children’s safety all the time even if monsters didn’t exist in this universe. Even if they were in a totally different place he didn’t want you to have to worry all the time and he wanted things to remain this way. He always wanted to protect you and at the moment he needed to do his best to keep this smile as bright as it was, even if at the very second you really were’t smiling. And he hated himself for being the reason behind that.
“What things Jensen? What things? Monsters? All of the supernatural is real? What are you going to try to tell me to make me believe you- you don’t even want your wife to touch you Jensen? Much less you touch me.” you choked on a sob and all Dean could do was stand there and feel his heart crumble as he watched the woman he loved more than anything suffer in front of him. And all of it because of him.
“Baby, please.” he whispered, taking a few steps closer towards you “Don’t do this to me.”
“Do what Jensen?” you asked but your voice held no anger and that probably hurt him more.
Great, just great. Not even a few hours with you, all to him and madly in love, and he had managed to mess it up. Suddenly part of him was happy that you were with his brother. Happy, well, sort of. He had rarely ever seen you like this with his brother, you didn’t usually fight, and the mere fact that he had now achieved this in a few hours only proved to him how not worthy of you he was. He couldn’t make you happy, it was clear to him, even when he had you. All he knew was how to mess up things and now he-
“I am not doing anything. You are the one pushing me away all of a sudden and I- I can’t understand why you’re doing this. I mean I- I can’t even think of what I said that could make you not want to-”
“It’s not you, please, (Y/n).” he begged for you “Just listen to me.”
“I am, Jensen. Honestly, I am really trying to but you are not giving me any valid reasons. You won’t even look me in the eyes, Jensen. You kissed me but it’s like- it’s like you weren’t there, Jensen. It’s like you tried to do your best to show to someone, hell Jared, that you don’t feel a thing for me Jensen. How am I supposed to understand a single thing when all you do is be cryptic about it. What should I know Jensen? What? Just tell me Jens-”
“I am not Jensen, damn it!”
The words left his lips before he could realize it but he just couldn’t keep hearing you call him with that name. Truth was that no matter what was happening he still saw you someone that still was his (Y/n) just in a different universe. He at least was trying to convince himself of it but hearing you call him Jensen all the time was just too much. And of course he wasn’t thinking straight but he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Despite what had just happened there were moments that he felt like it was just you and him, living a perfect life away from all the monsters, that he just couldn’t keep hearing that name.
“You’re not… who?” you breathed out, eyes widening as Dean swallowed thickly. He tried not to let his disappointment show…
…especially when you took a step back and away from him.
“I’m not Jensen damn it!”
“You’re not… who?” you blinked, taking a step back and away from him.
“I’m not-” Dean took a deep breath,trying to calm down his wildly beating heart; it was out now there was nothing he could do to take it back and maybe he didn’t want to “I’m not Jensen.”
“What- what do you mean you’re not Jensen?” you blinked the tears from your eyes, watching him carefully and Dean hated himself for how you seemed to withdraw from him even more.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” he whispered, his voice rough; feeling a pang in his chest as you took yet another step back “I swear I’m not gonna hurt you just- I need you to listen to me, please. And then- then you can do whatever you want. Run, leave for good or kick me as hard as you can, I’ll take it.” he lowered his head letting out a shaky breath “I’d take it all from you.” he closed his eyes for a moment.
“I asked you one thing: What the hell are you talking about?” you pursed your lips, trying to seem brave although your hands were shaking.
“I’m not Jensen, not your husband Jensen.” he breathed out, looking at you “I’m Dean, Dean Winchester. The very same character your husband plays in the show, Supernatural. We’re here from our universe because a witch-”
“We?” you asked, cutting him off.
He sighed softly “Sam and I. That’s- that’s not Jared either, it’s my brother Sam.”
“So you’re telling me you’re Dean, a fictional character, that my husband portrays in a show and have been transported to my universe like in the French Mistake, which is why you are also not able to touch me the way you used to- not the way he would, right?” you asked and with a small nod he spoke.
“Yeah” his voice was raspy as he waited for you to do something but he was only met with a scoff that made his shoulders fall.
“Are you kidding me Jensen?” you glared at him as he let out a disappointed sigh “You can’t find a better excuse and you tell me this?!”
“I’m not trying to find an excuse (Y/n)! Please just listen to me, I- I can’t let myself be with you the way I want to because- because of Sam!” he tried so hard to keep his voice from raising but you just laughed bitterly at him.
“Wow Jensen that’s- that’s just really low. I never- I never thought you’d do something like this, not you. Look-” you sniffled, trying not to show how hurt you were but Dean actually knew you better than you knew yourself “If you just don’t want me- or to do anything just say it, I’m a big girl I can take it. Just stop giving me lame excuses like this, you’re only making it worse.”
“But (Y/n) please-” he found himself striding towards you and taking a gentle but still firm grip of your shoulders “I’m telling you the truth, can’t you see that?”
“See what? Come on, Jensen.” you growled, pushing his hands off and it had never hurt Dean more than this time “Will you fucking stop it? It’s not funny at all.”
“I’m not joking here, (Y/n)!” he threw his arms in the air “I swear, please. Please just-” his voice cracked and for a moment you bit your lip at how broken he sounded, for a moment you thought ‘Almost like Dean’, but you shook the thought off “Just hear me out.”
“On what exactly, Jensen?” you huffed “The fact that you are not Jensen, even if you look exactly like my husband, but are actually Dean Winchester and won’t let yourself get close to me because oh wait my character is in a relationship with Sam- your brother Sam?!” your voice had started rising and Dean tried his best to soothe you down.
“I’m not Jensen.” his voice was low, defeated almost as if exhaustion had started catching up with him “I’m Dean, and I know this it too much for you to understand; not when magic doesn’t exist in this universe. Not when you have never come face to face with what really is out there, not that I’d ever have it any other way. This-” he looked around him “This is what you deserve but I- I need you to know this, I need you to try and understand it. I know you can.”
“What can I even understand Jensen?” your voice was in a low whisper and Dean could see that you were starting to get more worried and sad than angry at him.
“I’m Dean, that’s the only thing I need you to understand.” he whispered “Just look I have-” he stopped mid-sentence as he glanced down at his chest as he pulled his shirt slightly down. He planned to show you his anti possession tattoo but it simply was not there.
“It’s not there.” he whispered, his heart hammering inside his chest as he realized it wasn’t that much of a transportation as if a body swap with his look alike.
“Of course it’s not there, when it’s not needed for a scene they won’t paint the tattoo.” you said less angrily as you crossed your arms over your chest “Jensen what is going on with you? Please just- tell me this is a joke because I- I-” your voice was shaky “You’re worrying me.”
Dean opened his mouth, for only a split second wanting to actually take it all back and do something to make it up to you. He hated seeing those eyes, that made his heart skip a heartbeat every time he looked at them, glossy with tears and filled with worry and pain. And he hated to be the reason behind all of it even more. But somehow he couldn’t, he couldn’t pretend and if this meant you wouldn’t let him come close to you then he was willing to take it instead of lie to you. He was fed up with lying, that’s what he did all of his life and that’s what he did on a daily basis with you as well.
“No, no (Y/n).” he shook his head, his eyes meeting yours “I’m not joking.” he prefered to stay put, worst case scenario you’d think he was going crazy “I am telling you the truth, I need you to try to believe me. I know it’s hard but- but you always were the smartest one and the most logical- even if this is completely crazy.”
“Jensen seriously that’s enough.” you pursed your lips, rubbing your temple as more tears welled up in your eyes. Dean could see that part of you wanted to believe him but he could also understand very well that you were really struggling to. How could anyone ever comprehend that something they always thought to be a fairytale, or close to that, was actually true? People in his own universe could hardly believe that, he didn’t expect you to just accept but that didn’t mean he was going to stop trying to.
“I’m not Jensen.” he breathed out, running a hand through his hair “I know you can’t believe this but I’m- I’m Dean. Dean Winchester, the man your husband plays on a show yes but I- I am actually true. This- this is just a universe, one of many. Different probably, but true. And the- what you call The French Mistake right? Yeah well we’ve been through it and that- that’s yet another universe, different from this one.”
“Many realities?” you whispered, this time fully looking him in the eyes and Dean for a split second gained some hope “The way Bobby said it.” you spoke this time mostly to yourself but he frowned.
“Bobby?” he frowned and you blinked.
“You don’t know about-” you paused, thinking about the season finale but you just shook your head furiously “What am I even thinking.” you said angrily to yourself “Look Jensen, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, I don’t know what happened today either but if you don’t want to be close to me then- then just go ahead and say it. I’d much rather-”
“It’s not that, I told you!” he cut you off desperately “If you just thought a little bit about it-”
“Think about what, Jensen? Think about what?” your voice cracked and Dean felt his heart crumble when a tear slipped your eyes and you fell numbly on the bed “That my own husband refuses to kiss me, hell even touch me, and comes up with the lamest excuse possible to justify this? I’d much rather you tell me the truth Jens.”
“I am, I honestly am.” Dean himself said in a whisper. There were only a few things that could make him break, despite how strong he remained in most of the situations, and one of them was seeing you in this mess.
“What? That you are Dean? And that- that you feel things for me but don’t do a thing because your brother is in the room right next to ours? Because your- your guilt is too much and you can’t do this to him? I’m- I’m trying to understand this but I- I honestly am having a hard time.”
“I know that you are, trust me I know. But- But Sammy had always been a priority for me, I’ve always put him first. I didn’t care about whether I was being tortured or I was even dying for him. His life and his happiness always mattered to me the most.” he said as he slowly approached you.
“I know that.” your voice was hoarse and low as your eyes remained focused on the floor.
“I didn’t care about me, there was never me when it came to Sammy.” he smiled weakly “And then we met you and- and that’s when it all started going to hell.” he swallowed the lump in his throat as he came to sit next to you “It was never easy, I’ll admit that. There were times when I- I had to be a parent, a brother and a friend for Sam and I just- I was only a kid, I couldn’t do it (Y/n). And I hated myself so many times, for failing him and for failing everyone that I cared about. I tried to-” he almost choked on a sob and this time you did look up at him, a frown on your face and tears in your eyes “I tried to, really hard. I swear. I tried to do my best but- but my best didn’t seem to be enough. It was never enough- I was never enough. And maybe- maybe it wasn’t fair.” he took in a shaky breath.
“It wasn’t fair.” he continued “That wasn’t fair. But Sam always deserved so much that I- I didn’t care to think about it. I never did. He was everything to me, even when he died, even when he went to hell I- I always thought about him, I always did what- what he wanted of me. Even Lisa-” he choked out a humorless laugh “He asked me to go to her and I- I did, because making Sammy happy was all that I knew apart from hunting. It was my life’s purpose and it- it was hard, yeah but I knew he deserved it. He deserved to be happy and- and as much as I hated my mother for that I- I knew how to live with that.” he closed his eyes for a moment and you bit hard on your lower lip.
You were having a really hard time believing him, how could you ever really? But then he started speaking in a way you could tell it was not acting. You’d seen your husband act, especially in the scene for the 22nd episode of the season – currently they were just getting started on the 13th season – and you knew even if nobody could see it, even when he was the deepest into his role you were always the one to spot part of your husband there. And now you just were not. And that fact scared you.
“But then you came along.” a faint smile was on his face “And I lost it, I completely lost it (Y/n).” his lower lip trembled and you saw that he was barely holding back the tears. You wanted to reach out to him, to place a hand on top of his or even more wrap your arms around him and just hold him. Dean or Jensen whoever he was you loved this man, and you couldn’t help but feel your heart break into a million pieces.
“I tried to fight this-” he smiled sadly “I tried to fight this like you have no idea. But- but I couldn’t. I was too weak, I’ve always been too weak but with you I- I couldn’t do it. I knew what was the right thing, I always did: Make sure Sammy is safe and happy. And with you he was, (Y/n). I had never seen my brother smile like that with a woman before- hell smile to begin with. And I- I felt so selfish, so fucking selfish to feel… jealous of it. Not-” he cleared his throat “Not that he was happy, no. His happiness has been mine as well but- but that he was happy with you, because I wanted it. I’ve always wanted it, I’ve always wanted you. I’ve never really wanted something this way- or this much-” he clenched his fists.
“But?” you whispered, your voice weak.
“But I couldn’t do this to Sam. I hated myself for what I felt for so long, so fucking long (Y/n).” he breathed out “I- I almost hated you at some point, I could never really hate Sammy but I- I knew that it was nobody else’s fault in the end. I couldn’t hate you for- for falling in love with him instead of me, you can’t control your heart, and I- I couldn’t hate him for falling for you.” he didn’t care by now which (Y/n) he was really talking to “So I only ended up hating myself even more. I hated myself for failing in the only purpose I had in life: Put Sammy first. Because you were the only person I could think about, and up to this day you are.” he shrugged tiredly.
“It’s not that wrong.” you caught yourself whispering as a tear rolled down your cheek.
Dean laughed humorlessly “Isn’t it? Come on (Y/n), you know me! Your- your husband has been me for years and you- you must have talked with him plenty of times about me. How is Dean Winchester putting, even for a second, a woman before his brother not wrong? I got so scared-” he took in a shaky breath “I got so scared because I- I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore but at the same time I- I was. I cared about Sammy and I still do, I try to put him first but that’s- that’s the problem. I shouldn’t try, I should do it naturally. But every time I see you with him I’m- I’m lost.”
“But mostly… I’m tired, (Y/n). I’m tired of all the lies, I’m tired of lying to the people I care about and I’m- I’m tired of lying to myself. There has not been a moment since you and Sam got together that I- I have not told myself to fight this feeling. The feeling of you being all that I needed to really feel happy, to feel complete. It scared me, that’s why I guess I became harsh at some point but- but I could never stay like that for long with you. I’ve dreamed about this you know?” he smiled although he looked broken as he looked around him “I’ve dreamed about having a house like this with you, away from the life. It was when I met you when I realized how much I actually wanted out. And I’ve dreamed of a family, kids too.” he glanced at you and you instinctively placed a hand over your belly.
“And every time I wake up. I wake up and see it was all a big lie that my brain came up with to avoid reality, another big lie there too. And- And it sucks, it really does. Especially when I think that you are just- just a few feet away, sleeping soundly right in my brother’s arms. And I- I can’t take it because I- I’ve taken too much, (Y/n). I know that- that he deserves this, much more than me but I- I just need a break, (Y/n). I have taken so much I just- I can’t anymore. And all those lies… it’s not right to Sam, I know it, and it’s not right to you either but it’s the only way I know how to deal with it.”
At this point the part of you that wanted to believe it was your husband just joking had started having doubts. This was not your husband, it couldn’t be. Not with the way he spoke about you, well the other you, about Sam, about his life. He wasn’t acting, he couldn’t be. But if you believed him it would mean you had to believe everything else he had said, and everything else you had seen over the years on the show. Monsters were real, and that was not something you could take easily.
“There has not been a moment I didn’t fight these feelings, for your and my brother’s sake. Dreams or not, fighting this is all I know. And now, even with you like this and Sam away I- I can’t help but see you… as her. I- I can’t help it.” he shrugged just slightly “I know that by saying all of this I- I am taking away everything from you. The perfect house, the perfect family, everything but it seems typical of me to do.” he let out a pained chuckle.
“I’m-” you swallowed the lump in your throat “I’m just-” you scooted away from Dean when he reached out for you “I don’t know what to believe, I’m sorry.” you felt dizzy and it wasn’t just your pregnancy.
“I want to believe you.” your voice cracked “But it’s not easy, what you’re asking of me. I’m- I can’t- I need just some time. Alone.” you let out a shaky breath, getting up “I’’m- I’ll go take a shower.” you wouldn’t even look him in the eyes at the moment, mostly because of how worried you were at the fact that all he’d said had almost convinced you. And that was crazy, that shouldn’t happen. It actually couldn’t happen because it was practically impossible for… Dean Winchester to be real? Why the hell did you question it now?
“Do you need anything from-” he started asking, more worried about you in that moment than anything else as you seemed to struggle to breath.
“No I’m- I’m alright.” you shook your head, taking the deepest breath you could and finally meeting his eyes. You wished you hadn’t because the green eyes you loved so much were filled with tears. And despite everything it was fear and worry that laced his features.
“I’m ok, we’re ok.” you whispered, understanding partially his fears “Just- a shower will help me relax. If- if you want to you can stay here or- or not. We have another guest room for you to… yeah.” you nodded your head softly as your eyes casted to your feet.
“I’ll- ok.” he cleared his throat, sniffling.
You opened your mouth to speak but decided against it. You didn’t even know what name to call him by at this point. Jensen because your husband had started going crazy or was pulling a horrible joke on you or Dean because reality was much more scary than you thought it was? You turned around to leave but were stopped dead in your tracks when-
“(Y/n)” his voice was a little louder than before and more urgent but you kept your back to him “Every time-” his voice went back to low and rough “Every time I woke up I’d go for a cold shower, habit maybe because even if the dreams were the best in my life they- they felt like nightmares.” he swallowed thickly “I’ll stare at myself in the mirror and I know every time there is only one thing I can say to myself.”
You closed your eyes, fearing to hear what he had to say next. If he said it you knew you’d break.
“I hate you. I hate you so much. You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve to live and to feel this way about her. And then- then I’ll think about you and I- I say it again. I say it again to try to convince myself of it, I try so hard.” he let out a shaky breath “I hate you. I hate you so much. I try to make myself believe it, I put everything into it. But I- I don’t. I just can’t. I hate you… And I love you. That’s all I say in the end, because I’m too weak to fight it. I love you, (Y/n) and I can burn in hell for this but I- I love you, even if you are his. Even if you never look at me the way I do, even if you never think of me as more than just your best friend. I love you, 'cause I can’t help it. And I need you to know it, 'cause I might die tomorrow and I will be damned if these words don’t come out of my mouth for you.”
You didn’t know by now if he was talking to you at that moment, standing right in front of him or he was repeating the words he would utter to an imaginary you. Whichever the case you felt hot tears stream your face.
“And I need you to know it.” he breathed out in the end, his voice breaking.
You didn’t say a word at him, even if there were a million things you wanted to say. You only bit your lower lip, brushing your tears hastily and making your way quickly to the door and exited the room… even if where you wanted to go was the exact opposite direction and right into his arms.
You could only imagine how many times he’d had to go through with this speech, each time hurting just as much. And now he had managed to actually say it to you, a version of the you he loved, and instead of comforting him and telling him all that you wanted - and knew about it - you only left him; making his nightmare of rejection real. You felt awful just thinking about it and cried yourself in the shower as you imagined how much more you must have broken him.
You made your way out of the shower, wearing just a silk nightgown. You’d bought it a couple days ago, wanting to surprise your husband with it but it didn’t seem like things were going exactly as planned. Your husband… was he really? You hated the fact that doubts had all of your attention. If it was really Dean then other than the fact that you’d have to accept that monsters were real you wanted above all to do something, anything to take even a little bit of his pain away.
You sniffled slightly, still feeling as if there were tears in your eyes – from what you had no single idea anymore – as you made your way to your bedroom. You didn’t know if you’d find him there but part of you wished you would. You stopped in your tracks when you heard a sound, though.
You turned to see the guest room’s door slightly open. You bit the inside of your cheek and hesitantly made your way to the door, pushing it open even more. You looked at Jared – or was it really Sam? - who was sitting on the floor, his back resting on the bed and only looking at his hands. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a shirt you had just given him but he was nowhere near asleep as you expected him to.
“Hey” you whispered to your friend, slowly approaching him “Did we wake you up?”
“No” he said just as softly “I couldn’t sleep at all in the first place.”
“Not tired or… too tired?” you asked, hesitating but still taking a seat next to him.
A small smile lifted at the corners of his lips but it was not nowhere near as happy “I guess a little bit of both.” he said and you nodded your head with a sigh.
“I’d ask you but- I guess I’m not really the right person.” you looked down at your hands after you tucked a few strands of wet hair behind your ear “Maybe… you’d prefer your brother here.”
“What?” he frowned, looking at you but you shook your head; offering him a smile.
“Nothing.” you said, resting your back on the bed as well.
“Did you two- did you two have an argument?” he asked after a small pause and you bit your lower lip.
“You could say yeah.” you said playing with your fingers “I’m sorry we must have- we must have made a lot of noise.”
“No, no you didn’t. I just- I caught a few things and I just, I guess I got a little worried that’s all.” he said, offering you a small smile.
“So we did keep you up.” you said, not looking at him “I’m- I’m sorry, I just I don’t really know how to react to some things and lately I’ve become a little edgy because of-” you cut yourself off before you could say the words you were keeping as a surprise from everyone.
“Of?” he raised an eyebrow but you shook your head.
“Nothing, nevermind. You don’t have to worry about it, everything’s alright.”
“Is it?” he asked, doubt in his voice and when you finally looked up you saw something you had not seen – or at least noticed – before. The way he was looking at you, it was nothing like the way he’d have ever looked at you, when he was not playing Sam that is. And that realization was what shocked you the most, he couldn’t be in character too or else this was the sickest joke he and Jensen would have tried to play on you.
“I- I mean not to intrude but- but I just heard a few things and I- I got worried.” he swallowed thickly but you shook your head.
“No, don’t worry. It’s over, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Alright.” he nodded his head but you could see he didn’t believe you in the least bit “Just- if you ever need to talk know that, that I am here.” he tried to say as friendly as he could but… but you could see the deep concern and care in him.
“I know that, I always do.” you smiled at him, although you were still trying to read him. You couldn’t figure everything out, not the way you did with Jensen but you couldn’t deny that you’d spent so much time with the younger man to say that you knew him well enough.
He smiled as well at you, his eyes remaining on your face as he looked at you with almost adoration. Without realizing it you felt his hand on your arm,sliding up to your shoulder. Surprisingly enough you felt goosebumps form on your skin as it rode up, and you almost held your breath wondering what the hell was actually happening. You soon realized he fixed the strap of your night gown that had fallen down, and your eyes casted down to his hand that still stayed on your shoulder. Your breath got caught in your throat and your eyes jumped to meet his, only to see the one thing you never expected. The one thing you saw in Jensen’s eyes from the moment you left up to this day. Oh dear.
He cleared his throat and gave you an apologetic smile as he pulled his hand away. He looked back down but your own eyes remained on him. No words were uttered by either of you, even if there were a million thoughts running through your mind almost making your vision blurry.
“Sam?” you whispered the name without realizing it and the man’s eyes widened, his head snapping to your direction.
“What?” he breathed out and you shook your head furiously.
“No, (Y/n)- what- what did you just call me?”
“I- I didn’t say anything, Jared. Nevermind it- I’m- I’m gonna go to sleep, I feel terrible and this headache is- it’s killing me.” you said hastily, trying to get up as fast as you could but almost stumbling “I’m- I’ll go to sleep.” you repeated, eyes casted down as Sam got up and tried to take hold of you to stop you “Good- good night Jared.” you cleared your throat.
Before he could open his mouth to speak though you were out of the room, practically running to yours with a hand over your head that was still hurting.
“(Y/n)” Sam breathed out as he stared at the door, thinking only one thing.
He needed to have a serious talk with Dean.
Dean didn’t know for how long he had been staring at the ceiling. He’d gotten down for some time and drank some of the whiskey he had found in the living room. Thoughts had not stopped swimming through his mind and even if he wanted it more than anything else he had not stopped thinking about you. He was only glad Sam had not left his room or talked to Dean because truth was that he was in no mood for talking. His eyes would scan the room, lingering on whatever picture he spotted of you and, well, him and your daughter. Daughter. He couldn’t help but smile at how beautiful she was, she looked a lot like you he had to admit but had a lot of things in her that reminded him of himself as well. But he forced himself to not let his eyes or mind stay on that for long because he’d just feel worse.
He knew that he couldn’t avoid it though so with a head bowed he made his way upstairs once more. He wanted to see you but at the same time his heart ached inside his chest as he thought about you. In between that and what he had previously told you he didn’t realize it how his feet carried him to your and Jensen’s bedroom. He paused as he opened the door, seeing your sleeping form. You looked calm but what made Dean hurt was your red eyes and the frown that still was there even in your sleep. He knew he should probably turn to leave and go for that guest room but he just didn’t find it in himself. He only took step after step inside the bedroom and closed the door softly behind him
He knew he still had time to pull away and leave but something inside him just wouldn’t let him. He looked for a pair of sweatpants to change to and found one along with a black T-shirt. He changed slowly and carefully so as not to wake you up, realizing that probably you needed it a lot more than any other day and he couldn’t help but blame himself for that. He looked at you for a few minutes, taking a seat at the end of your bed. He saw you shift uncomfortably in your bed, your brows creasing as you turned and fidgeted and Dean instantly felt worse. He got closer and ran a hand over your head, rubbing softly before placing it on your shoulder; trying to help you relax.
He only smiled just slightly when he heard you let a sigh and snuggled more in the bed. He got up after a while and made his way to the other side of the bed, only sitting there with his face buried in his hands. He looked up for a moment and noticed a tablet on the night stand and picked it up. He was still curious about how this universe really worked. There were a lot of similarities to what you called The French Mistake but some things were very different at the same time. And he still felt as if there were a lot of things he needed to know.
He didn’t hesitate to type his name along with yours, well Jensen’s at least. He held his breath as he scrolled down and saw pictures of you, ones he never thought he’d see. There were all kinds of photos, from the two of you on events on the red carpet – you wearing different dresses all the time that just looked so awesome on you – to pictures of you with, what he assumed, fans. Even when you were wearing the most simple of clothes without any make up you looked stunning. The smile you had on your face was one of the brightest he had seen from you, maybe seeing as most of your smiles were reserved for Sam anyway.
There were a lot of photos of you from the set of Supernatural, most of them with Dean as you acted behind the cameras, and others that looked like from some kind of photoshoot. The ones that caught his attention though were the ones that had the both of you in your everyday life. Most of them were pictures taken by one of the two of you and Dean felt a lump form in his throat. They seemed so casual, so normal and the two of you looked so… in love. The photos were simple, the both of you at the airport, others with you on a ship or by the sea and others with the two of you next to some sight or in a museum. It was something so simple yet Dean found it so weird. It all looked out of place for him but these pictures told a different story, one that explained how much at home you felt with each other.
Dean felt his mouth go dry as he spotted a picture of the two of you, wide smiles on your faces and… your swollen belly. He smiled weakly as he stared at you, you looked so carefree and happy it almost… hurt him. You deserved the best and at least this version of you had it, but he… he had ruined it. A mere glance at you and your tear-stained face proved that. He was breathing heavily as he scrolled down and looked at more photos of the two of you, looking like the perfect couple- kissing in some, making funny faces in others, sharing your food in others and watching TV in others. So many simple things that he just longed for so bad.
He froze in his place when he spotted a photo of a special event though. A photo of your wedding. He almost felt himself tear up as he stared at you. You had such a big beautiful smile it made his heart skip a beat and he couldn’t help but admire you. You looked gorgeous in your weddings dress, the white color fitted perfectly and you looked almost like a princess. He was there too, a grin on his face like he’d ever had on before but he knew all too well would be there if he was in Jensen’s place. You were about to be his wife, there was no doubt Dean himself would be smiling awe and happiness such a day if he was in Jensen’s place.
He almost closed the app in that moment. It was starting to get too much for him to take but instead he dared himself to go further and type the one thing he wanted to know the most and that he knew he’d get every answer he needed, even if in the end it would change everything. He knew that since you had not answered him directly and only created more questions this was the only way to find out.
(Y/n) (Y/l/n) and Dean Winchester
And even if his feelings were all to clear to him there still was a thing he could learn for sure: Your true feelings about him.
Chapter 6: Chapter 5 - Deleted Scene
The moment he turned it on, though, he felt his heart leap to his throat. There was a picture there of him and what he could tell his very young daughter. He guessed she was only one-year-old in the photo. He couldn’t help but stare at her, the photos he had seen were not as clear as this one – then again he had seen them from far away – and he had not dared to look at them for longer than ten seconds. He felt as if a new wave of tears would rush any given moment and he always tore his eyes away. But now he couldn’t do it, because he’d have to press the Google search and he was frozen in his place.
She was just so beautiful.
She had sparkling green eyes that looked a lot like his accompanied by a big smile that matched a lot with yours. She had blonde hair and a cute nose that reminded him a lot of yours. She looked so small compared to him, no wonder he was holding her with only one hand. He. Dean- or well, Jensen was next to her with a bright smile on his face. He had a scruff on, one that reminded him of the one he had grown when he first got the Mark of Cain. But it was not that which got his attention. Other than the little girl it was his own smile that shocked him, or Jensen’s anyway. Dean doubted he had ever seen himself smile like that… or would ever see himself do so anyway and that was the most sad of all.
He shook his head and pressed the app, being fast to type the first thing that came to his mind as he remembered the little girl’s name ‘Justice Ackles’ and he was both pleased and disappointed to see very few pictures on the net. Truth was that if he was this Jensen Ackles dude he wouldn’t want his child to always be on the spotlight. So instead he typed Jensen’s name there as well and actually found more of them. He let himself smile just slightly as he saw a video, probably more recent since she was older, of him with her playing as he picked her up on his shoulders and threw her down.
Her giggles made him chuckle but he made sure to turn it off before he could wake you up. He still smiled as he saw pictures of you and her somewhere in between, making him realize how much your smiles actually matched. It was almost as if you were holding a mini version of you in your arms, with small differences. Some of them during Halloween and others on a walk to the beach. He felt his heart hammer dangerously inside his chest so he decided to stop looking at pictures of the little girl, he knew there were plenty around the house too, but he didn’t need to feel any worse. He shook his head and went back.
Chapter 7: Chapter 6
(Y/n) (Y/l/n) and Dean Winchester
And even if his feelings were all to clear to him there still was a thing he could learn for sure: Your true feelings about him.
The sites appeared in front of him, ready for him to choose any of them. His eyes focused slightly on the photos that first came into view of the two of you. They seemed to be high quality and he actually remembered the scenery they were depicting. Until he realized it: it was from actual episodes of Supernatural. There was also one of the two of you really close to each other, faces only inches away and he searched in his mind to remember when that had actually happened.
Unless it was about to happen?
Dean shook his head, clenching his jaw to fight away the second thoughts. He needed something more true, more sure and not what his hopeful mind made up because of his heart. He decided to click on the first link that came up. It was about a site with the “(Y/n) and Dean” tag and several powts there from different people, pointing out their opinions and others posting pictures. He once more saw that photo of the two of you close to each other but he just scrolled past it, reading on the small posts. Most of them were about things he had taken notice of himself, during his everyday life and, well, the episodes they saw.
There was one thing people pointed out the most and that was the looks you would give him when he was not looking.
However, of course there were people that pointed out that none of them meant a thing and that it was all friendly. That when you worried about him it was all because you saw him as a brother. And some even compared it to the way you’d worry about Sam, as well as they way you’d comfort both of them, and how much that differed considering Sam was your boyfriend and you made all of your feelings for him very obvious. While when it came to Dean it was all the fans’ wishful thinking and just them seeing things that weren’t happening. Oh he could relate to that.
He licked his lips, going back and clicking on another site. This one seemed a little more professional, compared to the previous one that was all about fanart and personal opinions. Of course he wanted to know how people saw to the two of you together, and oh there were a lot that would take notice of some things Dean still had not, but he needed a more serious take on this. It was some sort of wiki, talking about practically your every moment together. It was all sorted in episodes and Dean almost got carried away reading about everything they had to say, this time, with more proof. They even pointed out the way you’d bite your lip when looking at him to how the look in your eyes… matched the one you were to give Sam in a good few episodes after the two of you would be a thing.
You had actually given him that very meaningful smile he saw you give Sam before and he had never seen it?
He scrolled down as he actually read everything, not knowing there could be so much proving you saw him more than just a brother. Your first meeting with Amara was actually mentioned and they talked about how weird your behavior had really been, comparing it to that of a jealous girlfriend. It almost made Dean forget how to breathe, not really knowing that had ever happened. You had obviously kept it a secret. They even talked about the particular problems that had come up in your relationship with Sam, something that Dean had taken notice of but never thought was that serious. He remembered pointing it out to Sam but he had brushed him off and that was it, because you later came even closer, and Dean didn’t ask about it again. He never thought it was like this and he never thought it had so much to do with him.
He let a small frustrated sigh, leaving the blog to visit more sites. No matter how much he read, no matter what people said, and no matter the number of your interviews that he watched he came only to one conclusion: There were lots of fans, along with you, that believed there was more to his and your story. You all wanted to see all the aspects of this relationship – nobody called it a friendship – and what it could really be. You all thought that something was there from the first moment, curious to know more, and all of you were wondering about what could have happened if things were different. But despite all the different way they and you said things there was one you agreed on the most. You were in love with Sam and you doubted something could ever change that.
Which to Dean also meant that you didn’t love him, or were never going to love him. Even if he knew he was never going to try a thing when he knew his brother loved you so much and vice versa, he still had that aching need in his heart to know- to at least know that this wasn’t one-sided. He didn’t know how much he actually wanted that to be true but he felt it every time he looked at you. And all of his feelings mixed together and sparked this… curiosity, if you could call it, to know more. To know more about your feelings for him and what he really was to you. He just needed to know, not caring to think of what that could actually bring about in the future.
Sadly, no matter how much he searched nobody could give him a clear answer. Nobody could say with complete certainty that you had feelings for the older Winchester, in the least bit similar to the ones for his brother. Nobody.
His eyes fell on an article and he clicked on it. He saw it had been posted recently and maybe it still wasn’t a clear answer, maybe it was still just as vague as the rest of them, but this new piece of information made his back straighten. It wasn’t talking about your feeling for him per say, and it certainly wasn’t an answer to what he was asking, but it was something that got his interest as he read the article:
“Seems like it might be finally happening, SPN fans! We know there are a lot of you shipping these two, if anything academy awards winner (Y/n) Ackles herself wanted this to happen at some point, but this might finally be the time! We don’t know if the sneak peeks we got are really showing what we think might happen but we are here to talk about all the possibilities and either way: they are some pretty exciting ones for the (y/s/n)shippers.”
Dean licked his lips as he read further, passing the photo he had seen numerous times by now.
“With season 13 on the way there definitely are a lot of things we are looking forward to from such a successful show as Supernatural. With the writers doing their best work this time, we can’t even begin to imagine what it will mean for our favorite characters. Yet it seemed that all of the attention has been on the love triangle of the show which – and let’s be honest fellas – has been created by the fans themselves! With (Y/n) in the middle of this we can say it is one hell of a romance but- Supernatural was never that now, was it? As said, the love triangle can solely be attributed to the fans because (Y/n) – (Y/n) Ackles, seems to have eyes only for the younger Winchester, Sam- Jared Padalecki. And nobody can ignore that!”
“Of course” Dean whispered to himself.
“The love this woman has for him has been obvious ever since the first moment, and (Y/n) has certainly seen that herself. However her interaction with Dean has caused the bigger part of the fandom to think there is or at least could be something more to their friendship. And these photos have only started to make them more eager to get the new season! With photos of these two characters suspiciously close to one another – their faces only inches away mind you – fans have started to think that something might finally be happening! Take a look.”
Dean tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he felt his heart start to beat harder inside his chest when he scrolled down.
“Now, we don’t want to get you all excited for nothing - not that it seems that way to us! - but it is obvious that Dean and (Y/n) will get closer than ever this season, leading to some things being revealed- according to the writers. That alone should be enough to make the shippers happy, right? Well, not really. Considering Jensen Ackles himself added that for Dean to say something so important as to how he feels for her something heartbreaking would follow. We shall wait to see for that! However we need to point out to you that Sam and (Y/n) are still a thing considering the cozy photos we got soon afterwards. Jared himself said that this season might be the one that will make them or break them, meaning he believes that with the struggles that he is about to face Sam and (Y/n) could either break up from the burden or walk away in the sunset with golden rings on their fingers. Some hope the first and others the second, we might never know because, let’s be honest, when was Supernatural known for it’s happy endings?”
“Jared, Jensen and (Y/n) themselves agreed that they really hope the show wouldn’t take a turn for that because it wouldn’t feel the same anymore, no matter how much fans just keep asking for it. They even mentioned that they doubt that it really exists beyond what we see on TV and we might have to agree with that, considering how closer Sam and (Y/n) seemed to get this season. Tell us now, Supernatural fans. Would you like this to be real, and Dean Winchester to actually have feelings for his brother’s girlfriend or keep the curiosity going, as it is suggested by the writers? “With what we know up to now and the bond these two brothers share the only possible thing to happen when - and if - Dean speaks about his feelings, is (Y/n) running away from both of them” was Mrs Ackles’s only response to the question and her coworkers really seemed to agree with her.”
At that point Dean felt his breath get knocked out of his lungs and his eyes widen. You’d run away. If Dean spoke up about how he really felt for you, you were going to run away from both of them. And he would never see you again, not even as a friend. Well, bloody great then. Dean let a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his hair before turning the tablet off and putting it aside. He stood there for a moment, burying his face in his hands and clenching his jaw.
He felt completely and utterly lost.
He let out a shaky sigh as he ran his hands down his face. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it was impossible for him. He got up from his seat, finding it impossible to stay in one place completely still with all the thoughts that were running through his mind. He chewed on his lip as he ran a hand through his hair. He stopped mid-movement as he turned around and his eyes locked with yours.
“You’re…” a frown settled on his face as he saw you gazing softly at him.
“Sorry” you whispered, not really understanding why. You were laying with your back to the door, hand tucked under the pillow and the other fisting the fabric of your blanket softly. Your eyes were not fully open, and they were slightly red as you looked at him and you almost reminded him of a little kid, afraid to say a thing. Had he been the one to scare you with what he’d said?
“No, no I’m- I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?” his voice was in a rough whisper.
You shook your head softly “No. I couldn’t- couldn’t stay asleep for very long with my-”
“Nightmares?” Dean asked, feeling his own heart break in pieces as he saw your eyes cast down and your body curl into a ball under the blankets.
“Doesn’t matter.” you whispered, shaking your head before looking up at him “Come on” your voice was barely audible this time but Dean caught every word.
“Wh-what?” he frowned.
You licked your lips before looking more intensely in his eyes “Come on-” you moved the blankets aside for him to lay next to you on Jensen’s side on the bed “-you are tired. You need the sleep.”
“(Y/n)-” he started but realized he didn’t know what he should say next.
“I want to ask so many things. I want to ask about what you said. I want to ask about why you are looking up things that-” you let out a shaky sigh “I want to ask you so much about all of this but at the same time I have no energy at all. I might be scared of the answer too, I don’t know. I’m- I’m just all over the place. My emotions are all over the place. Please, just come back to bed.” you closed your eyes for a moment and Dean felt his heart ache for you.
“I’m sorry.” was the only thing he could find himself to say, because he really had never felt more responsible for something. And it tore him apart on the inside to see you like this, so worn out and broken when just a couple hours ago you had been smiling the brightest he had ever seen you.
“Don’t.” you gave him a weak smile “Just come lay here with me. You’re tired, we both are. You just need the rest, please. I hate seeing you like this.” your hand softly patted the space next to you and Dean didn’t say a thing as he actually did what you told him.
He hesitated as he pulled the blankets over him. He turned on his side so that he was facing you, his eyes roamed your face as your own ones focused on his intense green ones. You could see the pain reflect in them, his entire face looked tired and you knew it wasn’t because it had been a long day of shooting. It scared you so much to think about it, not to mention admit it to yourself, but it was right there in front of your eyes.
“Jensen would-” you caught yourself whispering and his eyes locked with yours “He’d wrap his arms around me, and I would usually sleep half on top of him. We’d always wake up to be a mess of tangled limbs but-” you cleared your throat, blinking as you looked down. You wanted to act as if it was still him, maybe having forgotten a few things but it didn’t feel like him.
Dean didn’t say a thing, he only scooted closer to you and reluctantly brought his arms around you. It wasn’t because he didn’t want it, it was because he didn’t know if he should really do that. Was he even allowed to?
“I know that-” your voice was laced with tears, and sure as Dean looked down he saw them in your eyes “I know that you probably are not him. I know that- it doesn’t feel like him. I know that-” you almost choked on a sob and just as you went to continue Dean shushed you.
“Shh no.” he said in a low voice, cupping your cheek. He rested his forehead against yours for a few minutes, only staring into your eyes as you did the same. He didn’t say anything else, he only leaned in and softly pressed his wet lips to yours. He heard you take a deep inhale and his eyes fluttered closed as he brought himself even closer, pressing his body to yours. He felt your hands move on his chest and put some pressure, it was weak but he understood so he pulled away.
He opened his eyes to look down at you, a frown had set on your face “I’m scared.” you whispered, unable to see him any different than your husband. And Dean understood that, he truly did.
“I know, baby.” he whispered, rubbing his thumb on your cheek “I know. But we’ll figure it out, I promise you. Tomorrow.” he said firmly yet gently.
You didn’t say anything, you only gave him a weak nod as you looked down; fisting his shirt in your hands. Dean started pulling away just slightly but your head snapped up to him and with a frown you gave him a small shake of your head “Tomorrow” you whispered and he could understand the word meant a lot more than what you actually said.
Feeling his heart beat hard inside his chest and that mixing with your scent, fresh out of the shower, made him feel dizzy. He eyes were half closed as they only fixed on your sweet lips and without giving it a second thought he leaned in again and pressed his own ones to them. This time you did nothing to push him away, instead he felt your lips move with his in sync. You were reserved at first, he could feel it, but soon he felt your hands slide up his chest and around his neck.
His lips moved against yours, licking softly. He had grown to love how they tasted more than he should, but he couldn’t fight it. He heard you take in a shaky breath, your lips parting and Dean found the opportunity to deepen the kiss and his tongue to travel inside your mouth. He had doubts for a moment but when he felt you tighten the grip on his shoulders and press yourself closer to him everything vanished from his mind. His nose pressed against yours as he kissed you with more passion and love, almost hungrily.
He shifted slightly and you let him so that he was laying on top of you, his arms around your waist as he ran his hands over the silk nightgown trying almost desperately to make skin contact with you. His mind was completely blank as he let everything else of his take over, his instincts and above all his feelings. His body ached for yours so he didn’t even think to protest when your hands slid down to his abdomen where you took hold of his shirt and slowly lifted it over his chest and took it off.
His own lips worked from yours, down to your neck. He left a hot and wet trail of kisses until he reached your chest. His hands made their way up from your hips to yours waist, trailing to your ribs and finally resting on your shoulders. He didn’t even think to question it when you moved beneath him and wrapped your bare legs around his waist. He was intoxicated and he loved it. And every part of his mind that told him this was wrong had been shut off, he couldn’t even think what his name was not to mention anything else about his life.
Your hands moved down to rest on his chest as you let him slide down the straps of your night gown. His head rested on yours as both of your eyes followed his movement. Dean pulled slightly away as he started pressing soft kisses on your collarbone, following his hand and kissing your shoulder and down your arm. He felt you shiver under his touch and he smiled softly to himself as he did the same with the other strap. He even kissed your knuckles and fingers softly and at that you cupped his face and brought it up to lock eyes with him.
His lips once more found yours and you didn’t say a word as his hands worked on sliding down your nightgown, the fabric helping a lot in that. Goosebumps formed all over your skin, especially when his hands came in contact with your waist. Dean felt shivers run down his spine when your bare chest pressed against his but the only thing he did was moan into your kiss. Dean pulled only slightly away to trail kisses down your chest, his small scruff scratching your sensitive skin and making you arch your body up for more contact. Dean left wet kisses everywhere which made your fingers dig into his back.
No words were exchanged, only sounds broke the silence, as you both got rid of each other’s clothes. Your hot breaths mixed as you both panted, groaning one time and moaning the other. Your two figures moved in perfect sync under the blankets, pulling and pushing. You were a mess of tangled limbs as you both tried to explore as much of the other as you could with either your hands or your mouths. Dean tried to drown even the least bit of guilt that was left there as his mouth found yours.
Your moans filled his ears, effectively isolating the two of you from the rest of the world. Your sweat mixed with his as his body covered yours. His eyes fluttered shut as you pulled his face down hard for your lips to meet his and he tried to pour all of the love he had into it. He didn’t think twice when he placed himself between your legs once more and entered you. It was nothing like he had ever experienced before, there was the desperation to hold onto you to have you and be entirely yours even for just one night, but there was also a tenderness and love there he had never felt before. It didn’t feel like he was doing all of this because it was just the heat of the moment or because he needed to get laid. No, this was not something as shallow as plain sex, it didn’t feel like a chore in the least bit. No this was described by an entirely different word and he knew it. He was making love to you and he was damned for life, because you were his brother’s girlfriend and he fell harder in love with you if it was possible to begin with.
His lips moved with yours as he thrust inside you, the words finally leaving his lips after a while of not speaking “I love you.” He chanted the words, repeating them again and again in between kisses and grunts. He kept saying it over and over again as he filled you, for the first time in his life feeling like he was where he belonged. The only thing you could do was moan only for the sound to be swallowed by his kisses. You pushed and pulled, the fingers of your one hand digging in his skin while the other pulled on his hair as the blankets became a mess around you.
You both let out deep moans as you reached your peak and Dean hovered over you for a few seconds, breathing heavily as his face was buried in the crook of your neck. He felt your chest move with his as you both panted and he almost didn’t want to pull out. No scratch that, he didn’t. You ran your hands delicately over his back and he pulled away, still shaking as you did, before collapsing half on the bed and half on top of you. You turned your head and looked at him as he opened his eyes to do the same. You pressed your forehead on his and nuzzled your face with his as you closed your eyes. Dean took in a deep breath, his eyes closing for a moment as well.
Once he opened them again he found you gazing at him and he didn’t even let his mind think of what had just happened. Or what could possibly happen next. He only cupped your cheek, brushing away a few wet strands out of your face and let his eyes take in every little detail about how your face looked after such a moment full of bliss. This was his only chance, this was the only moment he could let his feelings show before going back to bottling everything up. He took in a small breath and despite how tired he was, despite how sore he knew you’d feel, he leaned in pressed his lips back to your sweet ones.
They were soft, and wet with a hint of vanilla in them and he was once more drunk in them. And you didn’t stop him for a second, none of the times it happened. You both got lost in each other’s touches and kisses, exploring each other and your feelings until you forgot your names from the passion and intensity, and all over again you started. None of you stopped until marks adorned your body and the both of you were shaking and your throats felt dry from all the deep moans and grunts. Sweat covered the both of you, exhaustion in the end catching up with the both of you as the early hours of the morning approached and you could barely keep your eyes open. Your eyes closed when the first rays of the sun cascaded over your naked bodies.
You caught yourself waking up only a couple hours later when the sun fully hit your eyes. You let out a soft groan but soon afterwards sighed in content when you realized your headache was gone. It didn’t feel as if there still was a weight on your chest and you really appreciated it, for however long that lasted. You felt movement next to you with a strong arm wrapped around you and his grip on your tighten. You slowly turned around coming face to face with the same person you were used to waking up next to for years now and that you wanted to wake up next to for the rest of your life. You wouldn’t be married to him if you didn’t.
Him. Was it really? There was not one single thing you could see that proved to you that he was who he claimed to be yet the way he spoke, the way he acted and the thing he said just proved to that. And it only confused you even more. You ran your fingers over his jaw delicately, trying not to wake him up.
You bit your lip as memories of the previous night came rushing to you, explaining just why you were feeling sore. You let a soft sigh, wanting to stay there in his arms for just a little bit longer- and considering from how he tried to bring you closer in his sleep that’s what he wanted you to. However you leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss on his full lips and slowly detached yourself from him. You tried and luckily managed to get away from his grasp without waking him up.
You let out a soft groan because of how sore you felt but ignored it - it wasn’t something new after all - and searched for clothes to wear. You opted for a sleeveless white summer dress with flowers that reached the middle of your thigh. You took a flannel of Jensen’s and slipped it on as well to finish the look. You made your way for the door, turning around just for a second to look at the man sleeping on your bed and smiled softly to him. You closed the door behind you softly as you walked downstairs and straight to the kitchen.
You almost jumped when you found Jared - well, was it? - sitting in one of the chairs and drinking some coffee and looking at his phone. As soon as he heard movement he looked up and his eyes locked with yours, making you realize how much more tired he looked than what you were used to seeing him. He gave you a soft smile and you returned it.
“Good morning.”you whispered, taking a look at the clock that showed 11:49.
“Morning” he said gently, putting his phone away before you could have a full look at what he was searching. But you actually did and the mere thought made you frown: Blood of a lamb?
You shook your head and put on a smile “I’m really hoping that’s not sexting someone else other than your wife that you don’t want me to see Padalecki.” you said with a smirk and he actually chuckled.
“No, really I was just… browsing. Nothing special.” he gave you a small shrugg and you nodded your head, pouring some coffee into your mug.
“Alright. I’ll choose to believe you this time buddy.” you gave him a friendly smile, unable to realize how he actually felt his heart sink.
“So that’s how it feels.” he thought to himself, still not understand how it was that that’s how Dean feels all the time.
“Did ya sleep well?” you asked before he could say anything else.
“Uh good, good. I just- it took me some time. So it took my time to wake up.” he said, explaining that he had not been here for long.
“We… didn’t keep you up, did we?” you asked, chewing on your lower lip. One thing you liked the most about the house and that you had really taken into consideration at first was the soundproof walls but you could never be too sure.
“No, I just couldn’t sleep.” he shook his head, looking down “Wh-why?” he asked with a frown soon afterwards “Did something happen?”
You held his gaze for a few minutes, for some reason contemplating what you should say “No, nothing. Everything’s fine now.”
“Did De- Jensen, did he say something to upset you? Don’t mind him he’s… a little bit off these days. Tired mostly from all the shooting.” he almost rambled but you just shook your head to stop him.
“No, no Jared. Everything’s alright, and I understand. You guys… have so many things to deal with these days.” you looked down at your coffee “I mean shooting, interviews, photoshoots, the Comic Con. Everything is just… too much, I get it.” you added with a soft shrug, trying to cover up for what you’d previously said.
“Yeah, it’s- the photoshoots that wear me out the most.” he said a little awkwardly.
You couldn’t stop the small voice in your head trying to remind you of what your husband had said the previous night and just watching his best friend act like this made that voice grow louder just like with your fear. You didn’t know whether you wanted to believe him or not, to be honest.
“Don’t overwork yourself buddy, I know it’s hard with how much you and my husband want to do for the show but you need to rest once in awhile.” the words came almost effortlessly as you had said them before to your friend. But this time it wasn’t your friend.
Once you were reminded that small piece of information - true or not - your eyes instantly moved to his face in case you could catch some reaction, and indeed you did. It was an expression you had really been used to watching your husband have when he played Dean in some scenes he had with Jared and they talked, well, about your character. Crestfallen didn’t even begin to describe it. A frown had set and his eyes lowered as pursed his lips in a thin line. He jaw slightly twitched as he clenched it and he shifted in his place bothered. Bothered by your statement and by actually hearing it.You had called him a friend, buddy, and another man your husband.
“We will, (Y/n). Don’t worry yourself over that.” he gave you a forced smile that just looked so fake it almost hurt you.
But you couldn’t help yourself either. To you he was only a friend and even if you didn’t say a thing it was evident in the mere way you looked at him. The friendly smiles. The friendly pat on the shoulder. The strictly friendly hugs. The distance you put between you, both literally and metaphorically, that just was never there before and then… the way your eyes would fall on the green-eyed man that was currently upstairs. The way you would smile at him, and hug him and kiss him. The pure love that radiated off of you whenever you looked at him was enough to crash his heart beyond repair.
But wasn’t that how Dean had been feeling for so much longer?
“I just… I care about you, that’s all.” you whispered after a long pause, carried away by your thoughts “Anyway-” you shook your head, missing how he hopefully rose his head to look at you “There’s nothing here and you didn’t eat much last night, do you want me to make some breakfast?” you asked, putting on a lighter tone.
He gave you a tentative smile “No, I’m fine (Y/n).”
“Come on, just a little something. Pancakes or eggs and bacon?” you put on a bright smile and a chuckle left his lips before he could stop himself.
“Just… anything you want, but I’ll help.” he was already up from his seat and you nodded your head with a giggle when you saw the smile on his face. For a moment you almost managed to push that little voice at the back of your mind, just almost though.
“Deal” you pecked his cheek and already moved to grab the ingredients from the fridge for pancakes.
“Hope you’re alright with chocolate chip pancakes because I’m really in the mood for that today.” you said and he nodded his head with a smile as he took some of the ingredients from your hands.
“Of course, wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” he shook his head with a fond smile.
You scoffed playfully “Don’t judge me, Padalecki.”
“I’m not, really.” he raised his hands in surrender for a moment.
“Whatever, you know you can break character now.” you still so wished it was all some sick joke that both your friend and husband wanted to play on you “Sam’s a health freak but we both know you are far from that Padalecki.” you pointed out and he breathed out a chuckle as he helped you prepare the mix for the pancakes.
The tall man opened his mouth to speak but all words got caught in his throat as he noticed a mark on your neck. Your eyes were fixed on the task at hand, head low as you looked at it and therefore missed the emotion that flashed through his eyes.
If it hurt him to hear you call him buddy and kiss his brother, this was on a whole other level. Sam almost felt his heart stop beating as he saw the mark on your neck and his eyes studied the rest of your skin to, indeed, end up finding more of them. Smaller, not so visible, but from this proximity Sam could notice every single one of them and with each one he saw he felt like someone stabbed him again and again. He had never experienced something like this before and he felt his entire world crumble down in front of him. He tried so hard to remind himself it was his (Y/n), it wasn’t that you, but he still couldn’t shake off the fact that he had not seen any of them there the previous day. And if they weren’t there the previous day that meant only one thing that made Sam shake to the core. He almost refused to believe it but the proof was right there, in front of his eyes. There was only one question he wanted to ask about all of this: Why?
You noticed your friend seemed to be frozen in his place, you couldn’t even hear his soft breath so you immediately looked up to see his glistening eyes. Were they filled with tears? You couldn’t tell so much, but you definitely noticed they were slightly red. He was staring at something, something he had just noticed, something on you. His lips were parted and his brows were furrowed in a small frown that displayed so much pain at the same time. He noticed you looking at him, though, so he blinked and immediately looked away so you wouldn’t notice anything else on him. You frowned when he cleared his throat and focused back on helping you. You shook your head softly, the thought had been there the entire time but you brushed it off. Until now.
“You know-” you said more softly,feeling sorry without really understanding why “Now that I mentioned it, I- I think I almost forgot to ask you.”
He didn’t say anything, he just gave you a hum and went on with his work. You frowned sadly when you took in the state he was in.
“Are you alright?” you whispered before you could stop yourself.
“Ye-yeah, why?” he gave you a forced chuckle “Oh I think we’ll need more-”
You stopped him by placing a hand on his arm “Look at me.” you whispered more firmly.
“I’m fine, (Y/n), really.” he still looked away.
“I said. Look. At. Me.” you said sternly yet gently. And he actually did.
“What’s going on?” you asked in a low voice.
“Nothing, (Y/n). I told you I’m-”
“No” you cut him off, squeezing his hand but not saying his name “What is really going on?”
“What- What do you mean?” a worried and guarded look took place on his face that scarily enough reminded you more of his character than him.
“I mean that ever since you guys came here last night you seemed off. You asked weird questions, you forgot normal things about the show and your lives. You- It felt like you didn’t even belong here in the first place and you know it too.” you shrugged softly.
“No, (Y/n) don’t say that.” he shook his head, avoiding eye-contact but taking hold of your hand.
“Shouldn’t I?” you breathed out “Come on, you’ve gotten drunk before. I know how you and my husband are drunk and this- it’s not that. And- you want me to be honest? I am worried, I am getting sick worried. You don’t even understand how it is for me to look into his eyes and feel like there is a completely different person staring back at me. You don’t even understand how it is to hear him talk to me, to say things that make him seem like he’s pretending, like he’s trying too hard for my sake but failing. You don’t understand how it is to-” you locked eyes with his after raising your head “To look at you and feel like there is so much you want to tell me but you are holding back, and that is slowly killing you. It’s killing us both.”
He held your gaze for some time, his eyes glossy with tears as he breathed heavily through his nose. You held your ground, refusing to look away, hoping and wishing he was going to say something - or above all do - that could prove you wrong. That could prove the small voice in your head wrong. That could finally put you at ease and make you realize it was all a stupid prank. You wished.
“There’s nothing going on, (Y/n). Believe me.” he breathed out so tenderly it felt like electricity ran through you “We’re just having a few issues with… the show and the filming, but we’ll deal with that. I promise.” he cupped your cheek and the mere way he whispered the word verified everything.
“Don’t worry yourself, alright? Everything will go back to normal soon, I am sure.” he said in that calming voice of his that you were used to hearing in front of the cameras. You could practically see him struggle to keep himself back from just wrapping his arms around you to comfort you the way he was used to.
“It’s just-” you looked down for a split second “If I-” you breathed out a nervous laugh that died out too fast “If I didn’t know any better I’d really say you are Sam and Dean zapped straight from Supernatural, here. And you just don’t want to say a thing to upset me.
His reaction was just what you expected as you heard him take a sharp breath in, his eyebrows shot up and his chest puffed out slightly and his fear mixed with worry and surprise “Wh-what?” he blinked before remembering he should laugh to ease your worries down.
“No, (Y/n). That’s just- It can’t happen.” he gave you a soft smile “Everything’s alright, yeah? Don’t worry, please, things will be better soon. Trust me.” he said as he hesitated but eventually moved to envelope you in his arms.
“I do.” you whispered in his chest “Always.”
“Why don’t you take a seat and I prepare everything for breakfast hm?” he asked with a gentle smile, looking down at you.
“I-” you stopped yourself before finally nodding your head and he let go from his arms.
But that didn’t stop the voice in your head from going on. Nothing could calm that or you down, none of the things he said because his actions spoke louder than words. And as you watched him work you took a deep breath and stilled yourself.
“Sam” you spoke “I know.”
Chapter 8: Chapter 7
“Sam” your voice was barely above a whisper “I know. I know about-” but you didn’t have the chance to complete your sentence as you heard your phone ring, drowning all of your words.
You sighed, giving him a tight smile “I’ll go get that.” you said gently and he gave you a small nod. You stood in the doorway for a moment as you watched him carefully. He looked more tired, more worn out than you had ever seen him before in your life and it hurt you a lot more than you expected.
“Hello?” you asked, picking up without even glancing at the phone number.
“Hey, (Y/n).” your friend’s voice greeted you “Hope I didn’t wake you up?”
“No, Gen. Although my sleeping routine is a mess these days I still have been up for some time now.” you said, your feet carrying you to the kitchen before you could realize it.
“Well, that’s good then.” she breathed out a small sigh “Thomas, careful honey!” you heard her shout at her son and you giggled “Sorry, you know how he gets when he hears his favorite auntie is in the phone.”
You laughed softly “Give him a big kiss from me, Shep too.”
“Will do.” you could hear the smile in her voice “Uhm I was just calling to ask you: Clif called me last night, and I already know Jared stayed at your place I just-” a soft sigh was heard from her as her voice got lower “I just wanted to make sure he is alright?” the worry was evident in her hushed voice as she questioned you.
“Gen” you said the name, not realizing that you were already in the kitchen, catching his attention immediately “What’s troubling you?” you asked in a low voice.
“Nothing, really. I’m just- he usually gives me a text or call and last night he didn’t. And I don’t mind this I’m just a little… worried.” she said as if she didn’t want to but couldn’t hold it back.
“Gen, everything’s alright. You know how it is, the first thing that came to their mind was to come here and so they did. I happened to have cooked Jared’s favorite and he couldn’t say no. You know your husband.” you added with a laugh, trying to calm her down although truth was you needed the comfort more yourself “And after that it got real late so I couldn’t just let him leave. It’s all on me, don’t stress it out please.”
“I know that this is not the first time, (Y/n). And just like always I don’t have a problem with that, you know me. You are family, you’ve always been. That’s not my problem, I am just-” she sighed and you could picture her shaking her head “Clif said some things that troubled me.” she confessed and you could feel a painful pang in your chest.
A pause followed, the air around you feeling thicker as you heard the only thing you didn’t want to. You were sure you weren’t the only one to notice they were acting weirdly but you wanted Gen to be last one to worry about this. Your eyes locked with his in the silence, and seeing the frown on his face and the worry in his eyes you felt your heart drop. It wasn’t his fault after all, none of this was.
“(Y/n)?” Gen’s voice caught your attention and you blinked, looking down.
“Uh ye-eah?” you stuttered “Sorry, Gen. I got carried away thinking about something.”
“It’s ok. I just- I wanted to call you to make sure everything is alright, that’s all. With what I’ve heard-”
“What?” you caught yourself asking before che could continue speaking “What have you heard? What did Clif tell you?”
“It’s- not something major, really but you know how I am sometimes that I tend to- to exaggerate and make thing out of nothing, and sometimes-”
“Gen” you cut off her rambling “What did he tell you?”
“That they’ve acting all weird. That they were talking to each other and avoided practically everybody else on set, even Misha. And they didn’t even try to play a prank on him they just acted all… serious, for some time. Quite some time. But in the good way, more like in the… We’re on a hunt and must focus on that or else everybody’s screwed.” she breathed out and your breath got caught in your throat “And honestly from how he described it I thought that we were living in some alternate universe or something.”
“Why- why would you say that?” you frowned deeply, chewing on your lower lip. The last thing you wanted was people suspecting what could really be happening. No, how could anyone ever suspect it?
“Well, Robert told him that they really were off today. And it was not because they were drunk or something. They were caught talking about weird stuff, like they were not themselves. And let’s talk about their acting. Robert thought they were high or something because that’s just the worst he’s seen them in. And I swear, Clif said everybody freaked out for a moment. He’s thinking about giving them some time off and with everything that they have to do for the new season, it certainly is not something they can afford. But it’s actually come to that.” she let out a shaky sigh as she trailed off.
You bit the inside of your cheek as your eyes followed his movement. He was focused on making breakfast, or at least that’s what anybody would have said if they saw him but you knew how to read him, maybe just as well as your husband and right now… you could tell very well that his attention was not on the pancakes but the words that left your mouth.
“Gen, I’m sure they must be exaggerating a little bit.” you said softly in the phone, taking a seat on your previous chair.
“No, (Y/n) it’s not- I- I really wouldn’t have even called in the first place, to be honest, if things were different. When my husband goes MIA I always know I am going to find him face first on your couch while Jensen snores loudly on the other one-” she breathed out a laugh and you smiled softly to yourself “But this time it’s not like that. Clif sounded really worried, and everybody else I’ve talked with this morning is equally worried. It’s almost as if- More like as if it was Sam and Dean instead of them, there. That’s what Clif and Robert said.” she breathed out a sigh and you felt all air get knocked out of your lungs.
Your entire body stiffened and you almost found it hard to breathe as your eyes fell on the taller man, his eyes immediately locking with yours when he realized the distressed state you were in at the moment “Sam and Dean huh?” you whispered, eyes watching him in case he did something.
“Well-” you put on a smile, despite how you felt and tried to play it off – if anything you would put all of these years of acting into good use “That would be one hell of a situation.” you chuckled “Can you imagine Castiel meeting Misha in real life too?” you asked playfully and after a small pause you heard her let out a laugh.
Your eyes however were focused on him, watching carefully as you played your part well; listening to Gen on the other end speak “I suppose that would be something interesting.” she said, trailing off.
“Listen, Gen.” you sighed softly “You don’t have to worry yourself over something like this, alright? I know, both my husband and Jared having been acting weird but they are really working their asses off these days. It’s just that they are almost on their breaking point, and all the additional pressure just makes things worse. Everything’s alright, don’t worry yourself over nothing. Besides, I mean-” you chuckled slightly “Sam and Dean body swapping with our husbands? What is this, The French Mistake?” you asked, taking notice how he stiffened.
“I don’t think so, no. I’m just- just saying, things seemed as bad as in that episode and… yeah.” she sighed.
“I know that you are but there is no reason to.” you shook your head even if she couldn’t see you “You are not losing your husband to a spell gone wrong, Gen, I promise you that. Everything’s alright. Who knows, maybe all those candies he eats before filming are toying with his mind. I’ll have a talk with him, yeah?”
She chuckled lightly, for the first time it really sounded genuine “Just try not to bit his ear off.”
You chuckled “Not making any promises.”
“(Y/n)?” she asked and you hummed “Don’t tell him what we talked about, please. Just tell him I love him, that’s all.”
“Deal” you smiled “Bye, I’ll see you soon?”
“Sure thing. Love you.” she said gently.
“Love you too.” you mumbled hanging up.
“She’s worried, isn’t she?” he asked sounding concerned but not in the way he always would when his wife was over the phone and not everything seemed alright. His wife, well, you doubted that anymore.
“Yeah, you know: Clif got worried, called her to tell her that you’d be here and he obviously let a few things slip and you know how it goes…” you trailed off, watching him clear his throat and nod reluctantly “But she’s alright now, just give her one of those cheesy messages you know that well and everything will be better than ever.”
“Ye-yeah I suppose I should.” he said a little awkwardly as you gave him a subtle nod.
“Alright- Oh, I almost forgot.” you jumped from your place, leaning close to him and pressing your lips to his cheek. He jumped, his eyes going almost wide in surprise but not in the way you would expect. You saw an all too familiar emotion take over on his face and for a moment you got scared. He was Sam, right there standing in front of you, forgetting to hide that he was supposed to pretend and the veil lifted off his eyes for a second.
“Gen said to tell you she loves you.” you shrugged, going for your seat but still watching him carefully.
“Oh oh. Yeah, alright. Sorry.” he cleared his throat, turning his back to you for a moment.
You watched him prepare breakfast, your chest feeling heavy as you played with your fingers. At some point you felt like you were struggling to breathe. You knew that if you tried again and something interrupted you it would seem like this wasn’t meant to be said. But at the same time you couldn’t keep it inside you. He tried to make a small talk with you, the conversation almost making you get carried away. He was trying to make this seem as casual as possible but you could see him trying, although you didn’t let it show.
You knew you could just tuck it at the back of your mind, brush everything off and focus on something else. You still had time, you had the chance to but-
“Enough” you whispered after a long pause that had set between the two of you “That’s enough.”
“You sure? I mean, there is enough mix for a good few. Don’t you want any more?”
“No” you breathed out “That’s enough.”
“If you insist I could also make some eggs and bacon though. I guess it could-
“Sam” you emphasized, your voice stronger as his head snapped in your direction “That’s enough. You don’t have to pretend, not anymore. Please.”
“Wh-what are you talking about?” he frowned, realizing that you weren’t talking about the food all along.
You gave him a sad smile, moving from your chair to turn the fire off “It’s alright.” you whispered, trying to show him that you were taking it as calmly as you could “I know, Sam.”
“I- I-” he laughed, shaking his head softly “I don’t understand what you mean exactly.” he tried to brush it off “And why are you calling me Sam all of a sudden?” he made a perplexed look on his face, ready to turn around and leave.
You sighed, taking hold of his arm before he could do anything “Sam.” you insisted gently not to pressure him “I told you, it’s fine. Dean… he told me everything last night.”
“He what?” he breathed out with wide eyes before he could stop himself.
You smiled gently at him, letting go of his hand as he remained in his place; staring at you with wide eyes and slightly parted lips “No”
“It’s ok!” you rushed to add “It’s all fine, I swear.”your hands went on his chest and he actually didn’t pull away, on the contrary his shoulders fell slightly.
“No” he whispered “No, (Y/n) he just- Jensen was just joking.” he took a small step back, forced himself to at least, to try and prove his point.
“Sam please, I know it’s not Jensen. I know it now. I… can see it now, no matter how hard it is. I can realize what is really going on.” you emphasized each word by getting closer to him “I know this is not a joke. I know.” you whispered.
“No, he just- he didn’t know what he was saying. It’s- he must have said something else and you- you confused everything.” he pursed his lips, shaking his head furiously “Sam and Dean don’t exist, they are just fictional characters (Y/n). Please, just sit and don’t think about something so stupid It doesn’t even make sense, you know it.”
“What I know-” you squeezed his hands “-Is that it is not your fault you are here, and I cannot blame you for that. If anything, I will do my best to help you back in your universe.”
“Alright-” he breathed out a chuckle “I think- I think that you are probably watching too much Supernatural huh?” he gave you a small smile but you could see right through it. You had seen Jared act for years from up close and other than that you had seen so many actors get into character before that you could easily tell this wasn’t such a case. He was trying to be Jared but he wasn’t.
“Come on, (Y/n). That’s just stupid, Sam and Dean really?” he chuckled shaking his head and you let his hands slip from your grasp “Wait are you maybe trying to pull a prank on us with Misha’s help? Because really this is just stupid. Who the hell could ever believe that another universe is real? And not just any universe but the one with Sam and Dean in that.” he scoffed, laughing “Hunting monsters, come on (Y/n). That’s just fiction. That’s all it will ever be, we all know it.”
“So I thought.” you whispered, eyes casted to the ground “So I thought until I saw your brother break down in front of me last night and explain to me all of the things that have haunted him over the years. Dean told me everything, Sam! And I know- it could have just as well been my husband pulling on a terrible prank on him but I’ve seen him act. I’ve seen Jensen play Dean for years and that-” your voice cracked as you gave him a sad smile “That wasn’t acting. That was a broken man standing right in front of me and begging me to stop calling him another name because-” you stopped yourself, letting out a shaky sigh.
“(Y/n)-” he started, wanting to say something to change your mind but you shook your head.
“I just wanted you to know because- in such a situation secrets will only make things worse. Everything is complicated and I understand-” you cupped his face and made him look at you “I understand where you stand in this, Sam.”
His lips were parted as he was ready to speak but soon he closed his mouth and his eyes casted down just as he clenched his jaw and pursed his lips. You watched as a deep frown set on his face and the only person you could see was not your best friend but a man that had had to suffer so much and was tired of fighting. But he had to keep going for the other’s sake.
“It scared me, hell I am still scared beyond belief.” you whispered, tilting your head to the side too look him in the eyes as he kept silent “And I- I will need some time to take this in but- but that doesn’t mean I will have to blame you for that. I don’t, I swear. And please don’t shout at your brother too, it’s not his fault. This is so insane I doubt you can even understand it yourself.”
“We didn’t want to cause any trouble.” he whispered, his voice low and rough.
“And you didn’t, not much really.” you gave him a sympathetic smile “But as I said, I am not blaming you. I can’t blame you, I just- all of this- my husband- Dean- You-” you shook your head, closing your eyes as tears welled up in them.
“(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” his voice sounded more panicked as he took hold of your shoulders but you shook your head, trying to calm him down with a smile.
“No, it’s fine.” you breathed out, sniffling “Hormones, don’t mind me.”
“Wh-what?” he blinked and you just shrugged, looking at him through your eyelashes “You’re… pregnant.” it wasn’t a question but a statement.
“Yeah, fun for the whole family but- but not something we can afford to talk of right now.” you cleared your throat, locking eyes with his “Sam” it felt so weird to say his name without having to act “I know how this must feel for you.”
“No, not really.” he whispered, eyes focusing on the floor and you got closer to him, holding his face tighter in your hands. His shoulders fell slightly and you could see he had given up trying to fight this altogether.
“Yes, I actually do. I don’t want to talk about things you should speak of with your brother but- but I want you to know that I understand how hard this is for you. I know how hard it is to watch the woman you love, or at least someone that looks like her, kiss another man. Your brother at that but- this life- we- I am not her, Sam. I am not her, alright? I know her, yeah, I can relate with her in many things and I can understand her and some of her feelings I-” you licked your lips “But I’m not her. This life is not yours and you should not let that affect you. You should not let any of the things that happened here affect you.”
“Shouldn’t I?” his eyebrows moved up.
“It’s complicated.” you whispered “I don’t expect you to understand, I can barely understand it myself. I only want you to be able to tell the difference. I want you to be able to convince yourself of this, it will make things easier for some at least. There is… so much waiting for you and Dean, Sam. So much, you can’t let this conflict tear you apart. Don’t worry, things will work themselves out in the end.”
“I’m not all that sure about it.” he whispered, taking hold of your hands.
“I am not going to tell you how to feel, that’s a long talk you should have with your brother… and your girlfriend. Just like I am not going to tell you what to expect in the future, from fate, from your brother… from her, I just want you to be calm. To be the Sam I got to know over the years, the collected one and always the loving one. To take things, whatever comes, the way you always would. To think everything through.” you let out a shaky sigh, tucking a few strands out of his face as his head hung low.
“She loves you, Sam. That I am most sure about, that I will never doubt about her. She loves you with everything in her.” you whispered and he tried to smile but it was bittersweet.
“Ye-yeah” he whispered “I know she does.”
“But it’s your brother’s feelings for her that you doubt.” you thought to yourself.
You wanted to say something but couldn’t find it in you when you saw his weak smile, so instead you just sighed and cupped his cheek “I’m gonna wake Dean up.” boy how weird it sounded to say it too “And then I’ll try to help you as much as I can to find a way out of here.”
He only glanced at you and gave you a weak nod. You only leaned in pressed your lips to his cheek in a soft kiss. You heard him take a sharp breathe in and you could swear you had never felt worse in your life. Not because you had done something wrong, not because you had said something wrong, but… because you knew that the hardest moments had yet to come and you broke a little on the inside knowing they were really going to have to suffer through something like this too.
You didn’t need to walk to your bedroom to wake Dean up when you heard the water in the shower run. You stopped in your steps, walking closer to the bathroom door and staying there. Your one hand was on the door and the other on the doorknob but you didn’t dare open it when you heard his frustrated growl. He was grumbling some things to himself, things you couldn’t make out, but things you were sure you knew very well. You rested your forehead on the door, closing your eyes as you almost mouthed the words when he repeated them one after the other. It was as if you could hear them crystal clear after he’d said them to you last night.
Your eyes snapped open and your heart leapt to your throat when you heard a broken sob leave his lips. And then another and another as his voice cracked but he kept talking to himself. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you could picture his own. It broke your heart to hear him but even as you bit your lip you didn’t walk in, you knew he needed this moment to himself.
Shaking your head you took in a shuddering breath and detached yourself from the door, making your way to the bedroom. You closed the door softly behind you as you wiped away a tear that slipped from your eye. You never thought it would be this hard but then again when had you ever thought there would come a day that you would meet and Sam and Dean Winchester in real life? The mere thought made your head spin, and maybe it could be attributed to the pregnancy, but the more you blinked the more blurry your vision became. Your breathing suddenly became heavy and shallow as you stumbled towards your bed.
“What the-” you groaned, massaging your temple.
Your hand pressed on your forehead as the terrible headache you’d felt the previous night came back. You couldn’t stand on your feet as your knees gave away and darkness enveloped you before you hit the mattress beneath you.
“Are you sure he’s alright?” your voice was heard as the green-eyed man came to sit in front of you “I mean I know how hard this is for both of you, it already is for me and I’ve been hunting monsters for my entire life.”
“He’ll- He’ll manage, I hope.” he sighed heavily, running a hand down his face. He was wearing Dean’s clothes, he looked from head to toe like Dean and every inch of his face screamed Dean, but the way he carried himself and the way he spoke said a different story.
“It’s just-” he started again, eyes focusing on the coffee in front of him “He’s thinking about his wife, and his kids and- the fear of never seeing them again is catching up with him faster.”
“But you have a kid and a wife too. I mean, it must be hard for you to be here as well.” your shoulders shrugged before you could stop yourself. Honestly, everything you said and did was not conscious. It was almost like you were sharing a body with somebody else, someone you could relate and understand disturbingly so, and they were in control; speaking for both of you in a way because you really felt to each word.
“Yeah, but it is completely different to not have even a small image of her while I have you here, breathing and talking.” he said, eyes tenderly looking into yours, or well hers. You felt a very familiar skip of your heartbeat but for some reason you tore your eyes away from him. She decided to.
“And I know-” he let a soft sigh, his voice less gruff than what it should if he was the one he looked like in this setting “-I know that you and Sam are-” he chuckled “A thing but- but to me you will always be my wife, (Y/n), and nothing that happens can ever change that.” he had that loving smile on his that almost made you want to sob and cry. But you didn’t, she didn’t.
You, however, felt a small smile form on your lips as your eyes looked deeply in his “I really wonder what Dean would say when he found out about this.” your voice was gentle and not held any sarcasm or bitterness, if anything maybe longing “He was such a flirt when I first met him, he still is and despite everything he is all playful around me.”
“I know that.” he chuckled “I might put a little bit too much of me into him when you are around.” he didn’t even care to tell you apart.
“Well, that’s Dean. I would never have him any other way. He’ll always have a special place in my heart, everything he is has made me lo-” you stopped yourself, clearing your throat “Care about him this much.”
“Not really into the L word, huh?” his voice was that soft whisper that made butterflied form in your belly “It’s alright, I can’t judge. With the kind of lives you have it’s nearly impossible to use that. It doesn’t last long, I can understand.”
“Ye-yeah, it’s not that easy. I can hardly say it to Sam sometimes, to begin with.” you played with your fingers nervously as he frowned, his eyes studying you in a way you were so used to.
“Yeah, I understand that.” he didn’t even question how you almost said you loved Dean, so easily, though.
“How did you sleep last night? Seeing as you were up this early I mean.” he asked now, trying to almost change the subject.
You cleared your throat, shifting uncomfortably in your place “Ye-yeah, I was ok. Just some… dreams, that’s all. I couldn’t fall back asleep so I decided to just get up.”
“Nightmares?” he asked softly.
“Not exactly. It’s… complicated but- but don’t worry about it. I am used to this. It’s alright.” you shook your head putting on a smile “I’ve chosen this life, in a way. I could have left but I didn’t, for both of them and I will never regret it. I haven’t now. And that’s why I am going to do my best, with Castiel’s help, to get you out of this situation. And you will both see your families in the end. I won’t rest until that happens.”
“I know you will, (Y/n). You always care for others more than your own self, I don’t doubt you will not stop until the end. You’re too much of a stubborn ass.” he said with a half smile that just radiated love. It almost made your heart ache for him.
“You will go back to your home, Jensen.” the determination was evident in your voice “Both of you will. Jared will go back to his wife and kids-” you paused only for a split second, your heart aching to say this a little and you knew very well why, you still saw him as Sam no matter how hard you tried.
You shook your head “And you will see your daughter and (Y/n) again, and you’ll give both a big kiss from me. And you could tell this as a bedtime story to her and, hopefully… the twins as well. They might not be able to listen to you yet but they are practically Winchesters, they will be able to do anything very soon. So once they grow into just a few months you can retell this adventure to them but only when I am asleep because you’re probably gonna freak me out otherwise.” you broke into a wide grin, completely forgetting that you were not one person but two different ones. You didn’t blame her, you had a hard time telling things apart too.
“Gosh” he breathed out, his hand squeezing yours making you blink as you had not realized when he’d taken it.
“What?” you giggled as he brought your hand up and kissed your knuckles and wrist.
“I love you so much, (Y/n).” he breathed out and you felt your heart leap to your throat. Why were you – her – so affected?
You said something but for some reason you could only feel your lips moving while the sounds just came out muffled and the image in front of you started getting blurry. You heard another voice, two voices actually, one very similar to the previous and slowly darkness envelope you again before in the end… small rays of sun shone over your face again.
“(Y/n)?” you felt someone shake your shoulder.
“(Y/n)! (Y/n), please.” another equally worried voice was heard and you let a soft groan.
“(Y/n), open your eyes sweetheart. Please.” Dean’s voice as you recognized it cracked in the end and you felt your heart tighten.
“(Y/n)?” Sam’s soft voice was heard once more and you squeezed whatever hand was holding yours.
Your eyes fluttered opened as you felt your headache die out. You blinked to focus on the two men who visibly relaxed when you actually seemed to understand where you were “Did I-” you started in a hoarse voice “Did I pass out?”
“Ye-yeah.” Sam said in hushed voice.
“Oh gosh.” you breathed out the other hand moving to your head to rub your temple.
“Here, just- get more comfortable.” he helped you on the bed and you gave him a soft sigh, appreciating his gentle touch.
“Take this.” Dean handed you a glass of water and you realized he was fully dressed.
“How long-” you took another sip of your water “How long was I out?”
“Not long but- (Y/n), is this normal? Even with your pregnancy?” Sam answered then asked as he sat next to you. You leaned on his side, your head resting on his shoulder appreciating the warmth of his body and also glancing at Dean that was keeping his distance from you, his eyes careful on you and almost holding something back. He looked so withdrawn you would have questioned it if you didn’t know him better. But you did.
“I think what we’re going through here is far from normal, Sammy.” you gave him a small smile and he couldn’t fight one of his own at how familiar the way you said his name sounded. Sam glanced at his brother whose shoulders were slumped and his eyes looking at you with a hint of pain, which of course he hastily brushed away with clearing his throat when he noticed Sam.
“Are you sure about that?” Dean asked you a little warily, his voice rough and remembering what you’d heard before your eyes focused on him with sorrow.
“Yeah” you breathed out hoarsely “I will just call my doctor later just to make sure but it’s all fine.” you tried to reassure him with a weak smile but he didn’t hold your gaze for longer than a minute.
“Is it?” Sam caught your attention and even if great part of you didn’t want to look away from Dean, your heart aching for him, you did look at the man next to you.
“Yeah, Sam.” you squeezed his hand “It’s… happened before, you don’t have to worry about it.”
“I mean because you- you’re pregnant, with twins at that and it might-” he started saying again, deep frown on his face and sounding like the caring boyfriend you were used to seeing in front of the cameras. Clearly he’d had a small talk with Dean in the meantime.
“Sam, I’m fine.” you locked eyes with him “I will be, just- I need some rest, that’s all. Some sleep, that’s all I need.”
“Why?” he asked softly, Dean so far not saying much and only standing on the far corner watching you with that caring and longing look of his but not daring to approach as if he didn’t have the right to, as if this wasn’t his place.
“Did you not have enough sleep last night?” Sam asked again, worried for your well-being and the babies’, and you felt your heart swell at how caring he really was but at the same time your eyes jumped on Dean.
His eyes immediately locked with yours, they looked almost wide in fear and almost regret, but certainly guilt, as you shared a look before he turned his head away. He looked at the ground, clenching his jaw and fists and you could almost hear him repeat the words to himself. No doubt he was saying them in his head.
“I uh-” you cleared your throat, focusing on the man next to you even if the only thing you wanted was to talk with Dean and clear up everything “Not that much, now. Guess I really should try to get some more shut eye considering it will get much harder the more they grow.” you ended up whispering, eyes falling on your barely showing belly.
“Yeah” Sam breathed out a laugh and as you fully looked at him you saw a soft dimpled smile on his face as he glanced down at your belly before his eyes moved up on you and you knew that he had forgotten for a second that you weren’t his (Y/n). It was hard for you to see Jared in him to put some distance to begin with, you couldn’t blame him after all. Besides, you felt for both Sam and Dean so deeply that having them here for realhad your feelings all over the place.
“Fun times.” he scoffed a laugh and you nodded with a heavy sigh.
“You tell me.” you huffed and he grinned at you, making your heart feel lighter that at least he wasn’t taking to this that bad.
“Alright-” he cleared his throat “Come on, get some rest and when you feel better we… could talk about all of this. And if you need anything just call us, don’t think about it alright? Not for a second, especially if it’s about the babies and you’re not feeling alright.”
“Sam” you said his name so effortlessly this time that you actually smiled widely “Stop being such a sweetheart alright?” you tried to give him a serious look “I’ll be fine, you guys-” you looked at Dean, who was actually looking at you with sad frown “Take some rest please.” you said much more softly, almost worried for them- him.
“Don’t beat yourselves up too much for this, alright?” you whispered, not really expecting a verbal answer but wanting to see the answer Dean would give you with his eyes, or at least some movement of his body. But he remained expressionless, almost stoic as if he was trying to hide something behind what remained of those walls you had taken down the previous night. No, you weren’t going to let him build them up again.
“None of this is your fault, I am just as responsible.” you said firmly, yet in a low voice, looking him in the eyes as you tried to get it through his brain but in the end he let out a shaky sigh and shook his head.
“Just get some rest, (Y/n). We’ll be downstairs.” was the only thing he said in a low and rough voice, moving for the door but waiting there for Sam.
You sighed softly, letting Sam tuck you under the blankets and even kiss your forehead. It was a habit for him, you knew since you had filmed similar scenes many times, and you didn’t protest because you actually thought of him the way you thought of Jared: as your big brother. You took notice of how Dean immediately averted his eyes from the scene in front of you, and Sam slowly let go of you to follow his brother out of the room.
“Is everything ok?” was the only thing you heard Sam ask, his voice somewhat strained though. More rough and firm, almost cold, than when he talked to you.
“Yeah” came Dean’s gruff response, before his footstep was heard carrying him away a little too fast for your liking.
You closed your watery eyes as you let yourself enjoy even for a moment the softness of your bed, hoping and maybe even praying that… by some chance you could go back to that reality, just so that you could hear your husband say those three little words once more. You doubted you’d ever get to hear them again and that thought scared you beyond belief.
“What?” Sam asked, looking up from the computer.
“What what?” Dean asked in a rough voice “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you or not?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Sam shook his head, eyes back on the screen “I’m just having a hard time finding a way out of this.”
“We’re both having the hard time, Sam. That’s not it.” Dean all-but-glared at his brother.
“Yeah, well, but we’re dealing differently with that.” he muttered bitterly.
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Dean frowned even more, his voice slightly raising.
“Meaning that you wouldn’t mind if we stayed a little longer here, would you?” Sam tried not to snap at his brother but actually did, in the end he just shook his head and muttered “Doesn’t matter.”
“The hell it does.” Dean growled “Is that what you’re thinking all this time?”
“It doesn’t matter, Dean. Just drop it.” Sam said in a gruff voice, eyes hard as if glaring on the screen.
“Cut the crap, Sam. There is something troubling you, something that is worrying you. What is it?” Dean crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at the younger Winchester.
“And why does it matter all of a sudden to you?”
“Why does it- Why-” Dean laughed humorlessly, shaking his head “Excuse me, have you met me? You are giving me this… look ever since this morning, and after talking with (Y/n) it just is all worse. You’re off, and I know you are thinking about something.”
“Not just one thing.” Sam muttered to himself “But we don’t have the time to talk about this now, it’s better if we just… get back as fast as we can. That’s what we should focus on.”
“I know what our priorities are Sam.” Dean growled “But you being a stubborn ass and not saying what’s on your mind is not helping.”
“There are things that-” Sam stopped himself, clenching his jaw and shaking his head “Some things I need to talk about with (Y/n), doesn’t concern you.” he said with a small huff and Dean felt as if someone had just stabbed him.
It wasn’t because it came from his brother but because Sam did just everything he could to make it clear that it was between the two of you and he had no place there. It was couple stuff, in your relationship where Dean never fitted. You did so many things together, not just hunting, and you really were a family; so Dean didn’t feel like your relationship was pushing him away from either you or Sam. But hearing his brother say it this way just seemed like he was shutting the fucking door right in his face.
It didn’t concern him, because there still were things you’d end up saying to Sam and not him.
“Right.” Dean made a sound with his tongue as he smiled bitterly to himself “That’s-” he trailed off, nodding his head to himself as his eyes casted down “Right.” he moved his jaw before shaking his head and focusing on research.
“But… you’re right, there is something else too.” Sam sighed, looking at his brother.
Dean kept his eyes on the screen in front of him as well, speaking in a grave voice “Like?”
“I… haven’t shook the thought off. I’m just-” Sam sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair “Have you not thought about it?” they locked eyes as Dean raised an eyebrow.
“Thought of what?” he knew he was being a little cranky but it was self-defence, it was the only way the older Winchester knew to protect not just his heart – or what was left of it – but both his brother and you.
Sam pursed his lips for a moment, staring at the table before running an almost frustrated hand through his hair “(Y/n)’s pregnant.”
“Yeah, so?” Dean clenched his jaw at how his heart fluttered. His children biologically or not, he didn’t give a crap deep down. After last night it felt like he was 100% their father and the mere thought made him want to cry or punch something, or maybe both.
“Come on, Dean.” Sam gave his brother a look “She’s pregnant, and yeah maybe it’s not showing yet but it will at some point.”
“I still don’t get where you’re taking this.” Dean shook his head, taking a big sip of his beer as if trying to swallow the bitter feeling in his chest.
“And whatever happens here, in this universe, what they shoot in this show for Supernatural actually happens to us. This universe is the one that in a way determines our lives-” Dean scoffed at his brother’s words, wanting to laugh humorlessly at how a writer could be held responsible for his never-ending grief “What happens to Jensen, Jared, Misha and (Y/n) affects us.”
“Yeah I get it, this Misha guy is alive- so is Cas. Ok, what are you trying to say now?” Dean blinked, staring at his brother.
“I’m just saying that… when (Y/n)’s pregnancy starts to show they will have to make a critical decision.” he said warily and almost worried and Dean’s back straightened.
“Like?” his voice was very low.
“Like they either-” Sam tried to swallow the lump in his throat, each option he thought of sounding as intimidating “They either kill her off or… our (Y/n) ends up pregnant too.”
Chapter 9: Chapter 8
“Like they either-” Sam tried to swallow the lump in his throat, each option he thought of sounding as intimidating “They either kill her off or… our (Y/n) ends up pregnant too.”
“Wh- what?” Dean blinked “No, man’t that’s- no it can’t happen, it’s just-”
“What?” Sam cut him off “Stupid? Is it, Dean? That’s the only thing I can think of. Yeah she was pregnant before and yeah they didn’t incorporate that in the show but it’s twins now. Her belly’s gonna grow twice as fast and twice in size, and that is definitely something you cannot hide.” he threw his arms in the air and Dean clenched his jaw.
He really didn’t know what he wanted less. To lose the woman he loves or to have to endure you getting pregnant with his brother’s child when he wished so badly he could be the one to make you a mother.
“I mean if you have any other ideas shoot but- I- I seriously have not stopped thinking about it ever since she told me about her pregnancy and I’m- I’m terrified. I mean the pregnancy aspect scares and excites me at the same time and I-” he shook his head “I don’t know about it but the-” he swallowed thickly, fighting the unpleasant feeling in his chest “The other aspect I can’t even dare to think about for longer than a second, Dean.”
“Don’t be stupid, Sam. She’s been pregnant before and they just gave her a break, didn’t let her appear on many episodes and actually found a way for her to be in the season finale without her belly showing or anything.” Dean shrugged, trying not to let it show how both options disturbed him greatly “They’re gonna do it again, twins or not. The fans love her, man, they are not just gonna-” he cut himself off, unable to say the word.
“How do you know about the fans?” Sam raised an eyebrow.
“Freaking Google, ok? Doesn’t matter anymore.” he shook his head but Sam’s eyes remained on him for a few seconds.
“Yeah, right.” Sam let out a long sigh before clenching his jaw “I sure hope things turn out to be better.”
“It will be that way. It has to.” Dean said in a rough voice “(Y/n) will make sure of that, I have faith in her.”
Sam raised an eyebrow “You think? I mean she does know that we are not just fictional characters but-”
“But nothing.” Dean said more firmly “She won’t let this happen. She’ll be willing to take every fucking plot twist there is but she won’t allow this to happen. I know she won’t.” his voice became weaker, almost cracking by the doubts and fears that still clouded his vision.
“If she really has a say in this.” Sam whispered the only thing that Dean was scared to admit “Because I am afraid she doesn’t and whatever happens to her is going to be-”
“Shut up.” Dean growled, not having realized how his fists had clenched so tight it started to hurt.
When he looked up at Sam he saw that unlike him the younger Winchester had the kicked puppy look on his face. Dean was angry that some writer had to decide his fate, furious that he would probably be unable to do a single thing about it and save you in the end, while his brother was trying his hardest to keep the pieces of his heart from falling apart completely at the thought of losing the woman he loved so much.
“Sorry, Sam.” he mumbled, running a hand down his face when he realized he had growled like an animal at his brother.
“Don’t.” Sam whispered “It’s not your fault, I- I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. It’s just-” he rushed, running a hand through his hair “The thought of losing her is- It’s killing me.”
“We won’t lose her, Sammy. I’ll go through heaven and fucking hell if anything happens to her.”
“I know you will.” Sam sighed, giving him a half smile “We both would, and that’s our problem. But that’s how it’s always been, not gonna change now. I just-” he paused for a moment, looking around “I just wish she could be here to see this. I wish I could be able to give her all of this, I wish- Gosh, she deserves this and so much more.” he breathed out, his eyes falling on a framed picture of you and, what he assumed, your daughter “So much.” he whispered to himself.
“You will, Sam. One day you will.” Dean said in an almost strained voice that didn’t go unnoticed by Sam.
A frown set on the younger man’s face but he didn’t say a word. Instead he decided to focus his eyes back on the computer, although his mind refused to do that “You know I- I didn’t ask you but-” Sam cleared his throat, trying to be as subtle as he could. Sure that voice in the back of his head wouldn’t make it easy but he couldn’t afford a fight, for this, with his brother at the moment.
“Why?” Sam whispered “Why did you tell her who we really are? Why did you tell her you are not Jensen? I mean we were doing alright, considering the situation, and even if we raised any suspicions the last thing they would believe, not to mention suspect, was us being the real Sam and Dean. Maybe she’d think you’re crazy but what’s new?”
“Geez Sam, thanks for having faith in me.” Dean muttered but the look Sam gave him made him sigh and lean back in his chair “I couldn’t take it, alright?” he said in a rough voice “I couldn’t take her calling me Jensen all the freaking time, it just- it just slipped.” he shrugged.
“It slipped?” Sam’s eyebrows shot up “How Dean? How does something like that just slip? It’s not as if we’ve been here for months and you couldn’t take being treated as someone else. We have been here for barely 24 hours and yeah probably she has not been acting exactly the way our (Y/n) would but I don’t think how that can be such a problem. You’ve had to pretend to be someone else numerous times, for certainly longer than that I just-”
“Well maybe that’s the fucking problem.” Dean growled, cutting him off “That’s the problem, Sammy. I’ve been pretending for way too fucking long, I’ve had to pretend to be someone else my entire life in too many different occasions. And I couldn’t take it anymore, so no I couldn’t just pretend anymore to be that guy because I’m sick and tired of lying for everything, I’m sick of having to say things I don’t mean, I’m sick of having to fake everything about-” he stopped himself, his eyes almost widening.
“About?” Sam asked a little-too-calmly that it scared Dean “About what Dean? Your feelings?”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean now?” Dean’s voice rose slightly but it didn’t affect Sam.
“I don’t know, you tell me. When? When have you had to lie so much that made you sick about it?” he asked looking up at his brother who shot up from his chair.
“That’s just stupid, Sam. I’m not doing this.” Dean shook his head, pacing.
“Is it now?” Sam looked at him in disbelief “Dean you’re talking to me. Your brother. Sam. It’s not (Y/n), not our (Y/n) at least. Just… tell me the truth.”
“What kind of truth do you expect Sam? What the hell am I supposed to say to make you believe that I’m just tired of all the crap we’ve had to go through? We haven’t caught a fucking break, Sam, not once. When we think we won the war it just proves to be just another fucking battle and we are ever really free to go home. This place is- It’s some sort of heaven just waiting to burst into flames at any given moment and just burn down with us in it. And we are the only ones not coming alive out of it. Everything is so peaceful and feels like home I just- I want to catch a break for once, Sam.” he sighed, licking his lips “And it’s not as if I am exactly comfortable with your girl hitting on me all the freakin’ time.” he added the last part mostly to sound convincing for Sam. Although, boy, was it a major lie.
“My girl huh?” Sam whispered, his eyes on the table “If I remember you are the one that would always point out this is not us and that is not (Y/n).”
“Yeah, well none of us would see it any different though, would we? We’re too fucking stubborn for that.” he shook his head “Why the hell are we even talking about it now, Sam? Thing is I just- She was all over me, she was… kissing me and I didn’t know how to push her away. It was the first thing that came to my mind to make her step back without hurting her feelings real bad.”
“Push her away? Because that’s what you really wanted to do, isn’t it?”
“Why the hell are you asking it like that? Yes of course that’s I wanted. It’s not the easiest thing to have your girlfriend kiss and say she loves me without knowing who I really am.” his voice rose slightly “It still didn’t stop being (Y/n) there for me, it’s not like it is the easiest thing for me to respond. Especially when I knew you were in the room right next to ours!”
“So you were having trouble keeping the act up, right.” he nodded his head, his mind running with thoughts as he smiled bitterly to himself “Right.”
“Yeah” Dean said in a hoarse voice.
Maybe his brother couldn’t fully understand it but when he said he was tired of all the lies and pretending, he was being more than serious. He was sick of all of it, first with hunts and now his everyday life. He would wake up in the morning and he couldn’t even tell you how beautiful you were looking half-asleep while cooking breakfast for them. If that wasn’t enough already, and it did happen the first five minutes of his day, then he didn’t know what to think about the rest of his day. And he really didn’t know what his own brother would say if he realized the hell he actually had to go through every moment. Because, yes, maybe Sam could see what it was like to be pushed aside now for once but it was nothing compared to what Dean went through, and Sam could never really see that.
Dean frowned when he saw the look on his brother’s face. It was one of disbelief, and maybe he couldn’t blame him. Sam clenched and pursed his lips, shifting in his seat.
“Then what about the marks?” he asked and Dean blinked.
“What marks?” he almost felt his heart in his throat but tried to push that and every other feeling down.
Sam didn’t even laugh bitterly the way Dean would have wanted him to. He kept the hard look on his face “You know what marks, Dean. The ones I saw were on her neck but I’m sure there must be more.”
“And why the hell do you ask me? She has a husband, it could-”
“Dean” Sam cut him off as he gave him a look while shaking his head slightly “Did you sleep with her?” he asked in such a low voice it was barely audible. His lips were slightly apart, and his eyes almost looked red as he expected an answer.
“Wh-what?” Dean’s voice cracked “What are you even saying Sam?” he frowned deeply.
“It’s simple. “Sam shrugged, looking a little numb and even more tired “Did you sleep with (Y/n)?” his rough voice gave away how much this wore him out.
“I-” Dean shook his head “Of course I slept with her, Sam. I couldn’t leave her alone after what I had stupidly revealed when-”
“Dean” Sam’s gruff voice cut him off as Dean tried to swallow the thick lump in his throat “Enough, alright? You know what I mean. Did you sleep with her?”
“What? Come on man, that’s just-”
“Did you sleep with her?” it made Dean struggle to breathe to see how calm his brother was. No, not calm. He was tired, almost exhausted and it made Dean’s heart ache for him at the same time. Because it was obvious how he was struggling to keep it together at the fear of betrayal from his brother.
He had betrayed him. The thought dawned on Dean like a ton of bricks and it hurt just as bad.
“Did you sleep with her?” he asked again, slightly more angry.
“Sam, how could you ask that? I’m- I could- I should never- It’s wrong. I just-”
“Did you sleep with her Dean?!” he didn’t shout at him but that low half-growling and half-hissing way he said it was even worse.
“Why does it even matter to you?” Dean breathed out, still avoiding to say it “That’s not (Y/n), Sam.” he shrugged.
“I like how you remember that only when it’s convenient for you.” Sam shook his head, pushing a few strands behind his ear “Did you sleep with her Dean?” they locked eyes again as Sam clenched his jaw and fists.
“She’s not your girlfriend, Sam.” Dean grumbled, shaking his head “I’m not gonna do this.” he muttered.
“And what is she?” Sam snapped at him, eyes narrowed, catching Dean’s attention “Your wife? Tell me, Dean. Do you actually consider her your wife?”
“This- this is stupid.” Dean shook his head “I- You know what? I am not going to do this with you. This place- these guys- it’s not us, and that (Y/n) is not our (Y/n) and we- we’re being idiots letting it-”
“What, Dean?” Sam almost growled, cutting him off “Affect us? Obviously a little too much, considering the way you look at her!”
“What about the way I look at her?” Dean’s body stiffened. He knew very well what Sam meant but he hoped that all this time he was doing his best at hiding, that’s what he did all of the time back home anyway, but maybe this place was just too much for him to take that he let his guards a little more down than he should.
“It’s like you want this, Dean!” Sam threw his arms in the air, getting up as well “Like you want this to be your life, like you want to be that man, Jensen, like you fucking want (Y/n) to be your wife! You are letting this place, the prospect of kids with (Y/n) and a perfect home affect you more than it should! Almost in the same way I… I am letting it affect me.”
Dean didn’t say a word at what his brother said. How could he ever tell him he had never been more right in his life and that longed for this life, craved it and needed it like he needed air? No, there was no way he could ever admit that, especially when it scared him beyond belief to confess it to his own self. He could never imagine it was this strong for him… for both of them.
“I’m not letting her affect me, Sam.” Dean said in a grave voice “I am not letting her affect me, I am not- It’s just-” he growled under his breathe “How can you fucking question it? This place, (Y/n) or not, is all we ever wanted to! This fucking house, kids, no monsters waiting to kill us every given second- of course it is going to affect me! Of course I am going to feel like I am barely keeping it together at seeing what could be mine, what could be yours, but we have no chance at having because of how screwed up we’ve come to be!” he was breathing heavily “Of course I am to want this. I do Sam, I can’t lie to you about that.”
But oh he was already lying majorly when he said it didn’t matter if you were in it. For him it was exactly the opposite, he couldn’t have it any other way. He would not have it any other way ever since he met you.
“Not with (Y/n), Dean!” Sam threw his arms in the air “Not with my girlfriend, not-” he shook his head “She’s my girlfriend, mine, the woman I love and-” he took in a heavy breath, seemingly calming down “Just answer my question.” he said in raspy voice.
“Did you sleep with her Dean?” he said through gritted teeth, looking up at his brother, his chest puffed out and his fists clenched.
Dean felt all air get knocked out of his lungs when he saw the anger mix with fear and worry in his brother’s eyes. And as Dean let out a shaky breath and pursed his lips to look away he was sure a look of utter disappointment washed over Sam’s face. It hurt just to think about it, could Dean even face it?
“Right” a humorless laugh left Sam’s lips but it was cut short “That’s what I thought.” he scoffed, running a hand through his hair as he sat back down. He rested his chin on his hand as he clenched his jaw, gritting his teeth “You know I-” a frown played on his face as he looked down at the table “I saw the marks this morning but I forced it back. I said “Hey, maybe it’s been a few days, maybe they are there from Jensen, maybe-” How could I even think my own brother would fu- hmh.” he cut himself off, letting a small frustrated huff as Dean looked at him with wide eyes, but slightly angry himself. How could he think it was all just fucking around?
“How could I think you’d go and sleep with my girlfriend?”
“She’s not your girlfriend, Sam! Damn it, that’s not your (Y/n)!”
“But you are my brother, aren’t you?” Sam’s head snapped up to lock eyes with Dean “You are my brother Dean, and you know how much she means to me. You were there when it all started and went on. So tell me, why did you do it?”
Well, that was certainly a question that had a simple answer that Dean could still not confess. How could he? It would break both of them, not just Sam.
“Dean, why-” Sam started again but this time he didn’t have the chance to complete his sentence because they heard movement and soon a soft voice.
“What’s going on?” you whispered, walking down the stairs as you rubbed your eyes sleepily.
“Hey, nothing. Nothing.” Sam was quick to respond, because Dean really didn’t have it in him to say a thing especially now “Did we wake you up?” he asked with a concerned frown but you shook your head.
“No, uh it was my phone but it died from battery before I could respond. I just came here looking for the charger.”
“Oh uh- is it this one?” he asked, picking one that was on the table.
“Uh yeah, it will do too.” you said with a smile, walking towards him to take it before actually looking between the two of them and going serious “Are you sure everything is alright?”
“Yeah, (Y/n) don’t worry. Everything’s-” he paused as shaking his head Dean moved past you.
“I need some air.” he grumbled and you tried to take hold of his hand but with a look that lasted a split second he was out of the room without giving you the chance too.
“That doesn’t look like fine to me.” you mumbled and Sam sighed, eyes focusing on his computer.
“Don’t mind him (Y/n). Don’t mind us, that’s how we always are. It’s a brothers’ thing, we’ve fought lots of times before and got over it.” he gave you a soft shrug.
“I know, that’s how Jared and Jensen are sometimes too.” you smiled fondly “Maybe they’re not brothers by blood but that never was an issue.” you chuckled, putting your phone to charge and sitting next to him.
You sighed, rubbing your arm nervously “Sam” you whispered and he only hummed in response “I don’t… I don’t think you’re on the right path here.”
It caught his attention in seconds and he actually looked at you with a frown “What do you mean?” after all there still was a great part of him that wanted to find some sort of justification for what Dean had done. If it all had happened while you thought he was Jensen and he had to keep the act up then maybe, just maybe, it would be easier for him to let go of this.
“With research.” you confessed and his eyebrows shot up because it wasn’t what he expected to hear “I don’t- I don’t think you’re dealing with the same kind of situation as before.” you confessed.
“What do you mean? Traveling from one universe to the other is-”
“Not what’s going on here.” you cut him off “I don’t think that is what’s happening here.”
“Then what is?”
“I still think he looked pretty freaked out.” a voice, your voice, echoed in your mind as everything started to shift around you and become blurry before becoming clear again and you could see you were not in your home anymore.
“More creeped out than freaked out, actually.” your husband said with a slight shrug “You did grab and kiss him the moment we came walking in, it’s not that easy. Despite how many times that has happened in front of the cameras it’s all for acting while now- this one was different.”
“I didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable.” you looked down, playing with your fingers “It’s just- a habit, you know? Whenever Sam comes back from hunts especially difficult witch hunts like this we always tend to be a little more cuddly than usual, aside from PDA.”
“Yeah, I know.” he forced a smile that looked so fake it hurt you and even more her “I guess we’re lucky you didn’t take him in your room and-” he stopped himself, his jaw clenching and you could visibly see how much it got to him.
“I’m sorry.” you whispered.
“Don’t be. It’s not entirely your fault, you only see him as your boyfriend. It’s hard to tell the difference, at least for you heart I know. We are going through the same. Jared could only see his best friend’s wife grabbing him and kissing him and it’s a big shock, especially since we were still freaked out over what was going on.”
“I know.” you sighed “I know and I am really sorry for that, I didn’t mean for it to happen this way. I can’t even imagine how he must truly feel. You were probably freaking the hell out to be in a completely different world and I just made it worse. It’s just- Sam is my boyfriend, I really love him and we usually… yeah.”
“No, it’s fine I understand.” he shrugged but didn’t meet your eyes and you felt your heart ache for him, or was it her heart?
“He’s hurting, oh lord. No, please.” you were able to whisper the words for the first time in your head and something felt as if she could hear you.
“This is hard for you as well, Jensen, and we both know it.” you whispered “Watching the woman you love, kiss another man and tell him she loves him must really be a lot for you to take. That’s what I am mostly sorry for: making you go through that.”
“Yeah, it is hard.” he swallowed thickly, smiling bitterly “Guess I finally understand how he feels all this time. Man-” he ran a hand down his face “It does suck.”
“Who?” you blinked as his eyes slowly lifted to meet yours.
He hesitated, holding your gaze for a few second as if he doubted whether he should say it or not, and you understood why but your other self couldn’t even begin to imagine it “Dean” he whispered and you could feel your heart leap to your throat.
“What about Dean?” you asked and saw Jensen look down with a clenched jaw and deep worried frown.
“What about Dean, Jensen?!” you insisted and he took in a deep shay breath.
“(Y/n)?” everything became blurry again “(Y/n)!” you blinked to Sam shaking your shoulder, looking really worried. Your eyes focused again as you took notice that you had zoned out for not that long, not very much worryingly so luckily.
“Body swapping.” you breathed out and he tilted his head to the side.
“It’s-” you let out a shaky sigh, rubbing your forehead “It’s body swapping.” you looked up to meet his eyes “What you’re dealing with.”
“How do you-” he started but you cut him off.
“I- I’ve been thinking about it.” you said with a small groan, these headaches would get worse every time you had a mind-blending with your other self “I’ve been having some… visions, if you can say. Of (Y/n)… your (Y/n). In the Supernatural universe.”
“(Y/n)?” he breathed out, his eyebrows raising “Wha- How is she? Where is she? Is she alright?”
“Yeah, yeah she’s fine. She’s just fine and she- she was talking with my husband, Jensen.” you breathed out.
“That’s something I’ve been thinking about all the time. These images I see, the words I hear and everything- it’s all happening in your universe, and my husband and Jared are there. But it’s not just you switching places, no. That’s why I couldn’t tell the difference at first when I was close to Dean. He looked exactly like my husband because he is in his body, Sam.” you breathed out “Just- check, you have no anti possession tattoo just like he doesn’t.” you motioned and he did as told, his eyebrows shooting up.
“Great, so none of the things we’ve looked up work.” he sighed, leaning back in his chair and closing the computer with a defeated sigh “How the hell did this happen?”
“There was something about-” you hesitated “A witch?”
Sam pressed his lips in a thin line, thinking “Yeah we were on a witch hunt before he were zapped here. I thought it was like the first time, that it was all her doing, but- she obviously did more than just transport us to another place.” he looked up at the ceiling in almost defeat.
“Maybe you should look for a way to undo that.” you said softly “I know that (Y/n), Cas and my friends are already looking for that but we cannot wait for that to work, if it works.”
“How- how are they dealing with it? How is she dealing with it?”
“Probably- she’s taking it better than me, although I can feel that she is worried about you and Dean just as much as I am for Jensen and Jared.” you shrugged “It’s to be expected but- I think she is freaking a little out over the whole married to the wrong brother thing.”
“Yeah” he nodded his head, jaw clenched.
“Speaking of which.” you whispered playing with your fingers “What did really happen with Dean, Sam? I know it’s something serious, you can’t lie to me about that.”
“I’m not lying, (Y/n). Really it’s just- Don’t bother yourself with that, it’s between Dean and I. You are not to blame for anything..” he opened the computer and looked away from you.
“Aren’t I, Sam?” you asked softly and he actually did glance at you for a second “I don’t know how much you blame me but… I do, and the worst part of it is I- I can’t bring myself to feel completely bad about this. As much as I should.” you rubbed your temple “I’ll just-” you got up with a sigh “I’ll go see if Dean is alright, we need all the help we can get to end this.”
He didn’t say anything so you just made your way to the door but before you could take another step you actually heard him “(Y/n)” he was looking up at you as you didn’t say anything in response.
“Why?” he asked in a rough voice.
Maybe he wasn’t making a very clear question but part of you really knew from this morning what was on his mind, and the marks on your neck were not something that could be hidden very easily. Not all of them at least.
“Because to me- because in my eyes he will always be the man I love. I know that what my other self feels for you is very strong, I know that she loves you and I know that she has found her small heaven in you, for now at least. And I know that for you she is just as important but-” you let out a shaky breath, feeling tears well up in your eyes because you were hurting not just for yourself but him and Dean as well “I can’t see it any other way. Dean, Jensen whatever name he has, whatever small differences there are there – because of course there will be – is the only man my heart can know how to love this way. And I- I can’t help it.”
“No matter the situation?” he whispered and you shrugged.
“Call me weak, say anything you want. And maybe in the end, in the end of it all, you can put the blame on Jensen and I for all of it. But you should know, Sam, when you love a person this much, it’s impossible to hide it. It will always come through, whether you want it or not.” you sniffled slightly “And I’m sorry, for everything, but… I can’t really feel sorry for it. Even if he has a different name, even he is another person and character, even if I am supposed to be someone else it’s… there.” you shrugged numbly.
“Don’t-” you looked down “Don’t blame him, please.”
“Ye-yeah. Right.” he nodded his head, red eyes looking down as he rested his chin on his hand, lips in a thin line. You only looked at him for a few seconds before you brushed away a tear hastily and left the room.
“It will always come through.” he thought to himself, before running a hand down his face
You leaned against a chair for a moment as you watched Dean pace in the garden before his eyes focused on one of Justice’s toys. She had plenty of them laying all around and you never picked them up because you knew how much she loved during good summer days like this to go out and play with the dogs. He knelt down and picked one up, his eyes inspecting it carefully. His red eyes.
You saw him clench his jaw and shut his eyes painfully so. He let it fall from his hands to the grass as he ran his hands down his face and then through his hair, staying behind his head as he looked around him; a broken “Damn it” leaving his lips.
You wanted to take a step forward, to hug him or kiss him or just talk to him and hold his hand. You didn’t know, you just wanted to be closer to him but before you could do anything it seemed like… everything started to shift around you.
You held onto the chair knowing what would come next, it wasn’t the first time but you realized that with each passing second the vision, if you could call them that, started getting more and more frequent. And it was scaring you because as much as you tried you couldn’t stay focused on your reality for very long and the fear of this not being undone at some point shook you to the core.
You were leaning against your bed. Yours and Sam’s at least. A picture was in your hands and it was of you and the three boys. You felt a sad smile tug at your lips as you ran your fingers over each figure. It was from the first photos you’d taken with Team Free Will ever since you moved into the bunker and it was your favorite one.
“I’m so screwed up.” came out from your lips with a broken sob as your finger stayed on Dean’s face “Damn it” you felt tears make your eyes sting as you threw your head back.
“Why?” came out from you in your shared mind before you could stop it.
“Don’t you know?” your lips formed the words in a harsh whisper, and it almost stunned you.
“You- you can hear me?”
“Couldn’t you before?” you, well she, asked back.
“Before? When? I never realized something? Has this… happened for you too?”
“I was… there before. Many times, I tried speaking at first but, not only were you in control, but you wouldn’t hear me. You couldn’t, I realized. (Y/n)-” she, well you, paused wiping away a stray tear “Is what Jensen told me true?”
“Don’t you know it by now?” your voice sounded hoarse.
“That’s what scares me the most…” she, you, buried your face in your hands “That I think I actually do.”
“Can I- can I ask you something?”
“What?” came out in a low whisper.
“When? When were you there and I didn’t realize it?”
She said something, you could hear her - you, whatever - say something but it all came muffled as you blinked when everything started getting blurry. You closed your eyes and when you opened them again you were back on your porch, staring at Dean’s back. You frowned as you noticed his shoulders were slumped and his head was hanging low as he now was back up on his feet again.
You shook your head and took a deep breath as you straightened your back. You walked down the few stairs and slowly made your way to him. You didn’t know if you should place a hand on his shoulder at the moment, hell you didn’t know if you should make your presence known to begin with.
“It’s not just your fault, you know.” you whispered and were only met with a scoff. He already knew you were there, of course.
“He looked at me as if I had stolen his entire fucking world.” he growled, frustrated with himself “How does that not make it my fault?”
“Dean” your heart ached in your chest as you placed a hand on his shoulder and made him face you “It’s not your fault.”
“I fucking slept with his girlfriend, how the hell can you say that?” he had to keep himself from roaring the words.
“I’m not his girlfriend!” you shouted, pulling away. For some reason this rejection hurt you more than it should and you wondered if your other self was here too.
“Then what are you?” his voice cracked as he spoke in a low tone.
“I’m your wife.” you breathed out, taking a step closer and cupping his face “Your wife, come heaven or hell. You are the one that I love.”
He held your gaze for a few seconds, his red eyes glistening with tears but in the end he shook his head and taking hold of your hands he pulled them away “Νo, I’m not. It’s Jensen.” he looked down.
“You blame yourself for what happened, you blame yourself for seemingly betraying your brother but you don’t even think to ask me why I did all of this even if I knew who you really are!” you tried to make him look at you.
“You- you were just in need of me- of him, I don’t know it’s-”
“Bullshit.” you scoffed “I kissed you, I made love to you last night just because of how I feel for you. Why don’t you understand that? I was fully there too, you didn’t just do this to me on your own!” you shrugged, your eyes filling with tears “Ι wanted that, because I wanted you. I still do, and always will. Don’t- don’t take this all on your shoulders, Dean. Please.” you almost whimpered as he closed his eyes, clenching his jaw.
“I hate you.” he choked out and you smiled sadly.
“No you don’t.” you whispered.
“Yeah I don’t.” he opened his eyes to look at you “But I wish so bad I could. I wish so bad none of that had happened last, I wish so bad I had never been brought here, I wish so bad I had never gotten a taste of something I can never have. I wish I just… I wish I had never met you.” he let out a trembling sigh, smiling bitterly to himself as he looked away for a moment “And I- I can’t. I can never really wish it. I can never really want to just forget last night because it was the best night of my fucking life. It was the first time I really felt like I was alive… and it hurts so fucking bad, (Y/n). Because it feels like I killed my baby brother with my own hands.” he choked out and your shoulders fell, your eyes going wide and the tears finally rolling down.
“No, Dean. No, no please don’t- Don’t say that, D.” you choked out, scared if you should make a move although all you wanted to do was hug him that very moment.
“You didn’t see the way he was looking at me, (Y/n). You didn’t see the betrayal in his eyes, you didn’t see the fucking pain I put him through, you didn’t see how he looked at me as if I wasn’t… as if I wasn’t his brother. As if-”
“Don’t!” you shouted louder than you wanted but effectively cut him off “Don’t you fucking dare say that!” you sobbed “To Sam you- you are everything! You will always be everything to him, you’re his brother Dean and that because he loves you as that! And that nothing can take away. Nothing, I promise you.”
“What we did-” he clenched his jaw, looking away but you tilted your head to the side.
“Was mutual.” you whispered “We both wanted it and I- I know I should hate myself for what I am about to say, because you are real people with feelings, but I- I don’t regret it. I don’t regret being able to give you even this small piece of heaven for a few hours. Because you need it and above all because you deserve it.”
“I don’t. I don’t.” he shook his head repeating.
“Stop it, damn it! Dean you didn’t make me do something I didn’t want to. If anything you couldn’t move one despite my advances just because I thought you were Jensen and you respected me. I wanted that, I wanted you… I still do. I am not going to regret it. Never. And don’t freaking dare keep blaming yourself for it, you hear me?” you let out a shaky sigh “I am just as responsible if you want. Maybe, hell, maybe even more. Jensen and I are responsible for all of this, for not being able to hold anything back. You can blame us for that but not- not yourself, please.”
“We shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have let myself get carried away. I shouldn’t have let my emotions to-”
“What?” you said roughly “Take over? Or be free for once in your fucking life?” you grabbed him by the collar of his flannel and made his look at you “You can’t bottle it all up damn it. You just can’t, not anymore. You love her, Dean. You love me.” you knew that just like you, he could only see the person his heart longed for in front of him, not someone that was a lot like them.
“You love him.” his voice cracked “You love only him. You can’t- You won’t…” he trailed off, looking down.
“That’s what I told Sam but with the recent events I… I don’t know what to think anymore.” you confessed with a small shrug. You cradled his face in your hands, rubbing your thumb over his cheek.
“What does that mean?” he frowned.
“I can’t- I don’t know what to say anymore. I just-” you let out a trembling sigh “I know you wish things were different, maybe I do too. But just… maybe. But you can’t control this, and Sammy knows it too. He’ll forgive you, I know he will, but I don’t want you to end up somewhere, in a situation, in the end that you don’t forgive yourself for the choices you made. For keeping silent or backing away.”
“I’m already there.” he said in a rough voice as he glanced at the toys.
You gave him a small squeeze and made him look back at you. He closed his eyes for a moment as a tear slipped from his eye.
“Sometimes I- I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”
“But you do, and it’s ok. Because that’s human, it all makes as human. Anger, grief, pain, fear… love.” your rested your forehead against his as he opened his eyes “Everything will be alright in the end, I promise you. I’ll make it alright.” you leaned in so that your lips were barely touching his, your breath mixing with his.
“I love you.” he croaked and you gave him a small smile, a tear rolling down your cheek.
“I love you too.” you breathed out before delicately placing your lips on his.
You hesitated for a moment but he placed his hands on your hips and with a firm grip, as much as he could muster, he pressed himself closer to you and deepened the kiss; almost making it desperate and you didn’t do a thing to stop it. You kissed back with just as much need, your hormones and everything that had been said between the two of you, had your feelings a total mess. You pulled away only when the need for air became too much to bear but your lips stayed very close to each other’s even as you opened your eyes.
You wanted to say something but you didn’t have the chance to when you heard a sound that caught your attention. You frowned, pulling slightly away from Dean to take and before you could react there was only one thing you could hear.
“Mommy! Daddy!” came your daughter’s excited voice.
Chapter 10: Chapter 9
“Mommy! Daddy!” the four-year-old squealed when she saw you, running towards the two of you the moment she jumped out of the unmoving car.
“Justice? What-” you blinked, pulling away from Dean as she hugged your waist but your eyes widened even more when you saw the other person exit the car and give you a friendly smile before moving to the backseat “Gen?”
“Auntie Gen brought me here, mama.” your daughter said and you looked down to see her smiling. You leaned down and picked her up in your arms.
“I see that baby.” you whispered and she gave you a small frown instead.
“Why are you crying mommy?” she asked and that was when you realized it. Sniffling your wiped away your tears, glancing at Dean who just looked too frozen in his place, staring with wide red eyes at the little girl in your arms.
“Daddy just- he told me a really good joke. And I laughed to tears, that’s all.” you gave her a smile, trying your best to look convincing for her.
“Uhm, princess-” you cleared your throat, hoping Dean would somehow react and snap out of this. Although you knew it was just too much for him to take this as well, she looked so much like him and you knew he was already having a hard time with a perfect house so being reminded of having a kid and an actual family would probably crash him or… put all of the pieces together.
“Do you want daddy to hold you?” you looked down at her and she beamed at you at the mention of her father.
“Yes, yes daddy!” she squealed, turning to look at Dean who looked mortified for a moment. He looked at you with pleading wide eyes as if telling you that he couldn’t do this but you gave him an encouraging smile.
“Come on.” you whispered “You’re not gonna break her.” you encouraged as she looked at him with her arms slightly outstretched.
Dean swallowed thickly, looking from you to her and then back at you with glossy eyes “(Y/n)” he said in a low rough voice and you sighed, giving up on it. He was scared, you couldn’t blame him.
“Baby, do you know who is here?” you asked, getting her attention and hopefully trying to distract her from what could look only as a rejection from the man she saw as a father, and he was, you would never deny that.
“Uncle Jared.” you grinned and a wide smile spread on her lips “How about you hurry inside and give him a big hug and kiss? Daddy’s too old to go fast enough, he’ll catch up with you later hm?” you asked with a smile and she giggled.
“Daddy’s old but he is not slow mama!” she giggled behind her hands, glancing at Dean whose lips had fallen apart and he looked almost awe-struck “He always manages to catch me when we are playing Tag.” she grinned and you kissed the top of her head.
“Of course he does princess.” you whispered, setting her down “Now go to uncle Jared!” you didn’t have to say it twice before she was running to the still open door of your house.
“You should probably go in too.” you whispered to Dean, locking eyes.
“No, please.” he choked out “Don’t- I- I can’t do that. I just can’t.”
It felt like someone was stabbing you in the chest to see him like this “I know Dean but- sooner or later you’ll have to face her again and- and you need to tell Sam that Gen is here with the kids.” you glanced as she was approaching you with the two kids on each side.
“Please” you sobbed as you looked at him “I can’t- I can’t have Justice worrying over this, I can’t have her sensing something Dean. I won’t bear it if my little princess feels even in the tiniest bit sad that her daddy doesn’t want-”
“I’m not her-”
“You are!” you rushed to cut him off still in a low voice “You are, Dean, you so are. That’s what you can’t see yet but I know that in the end everything will work out. Just- Please.” you begged and with a weak nod and shaky intake he took a step away from you and in the house.
You looked at him leave and when you turned you were face to face with your best friend and a worried expression on her face “Is everything alright?” she frowned and you gave her a weak smile, trying to fight the tears away.
“Hormones, you know.” you shook your head “I just-” you cleared your throat “Gen, what is going on here? Justice was with her grandparents for the weekend and it’s barely Saturday evening.”
“Uh Jensen’s mom called you, but you didn’t answer. And when she called again she just couldn’t reach you so she called me instead. She told me they had to go to the hospital because her cousin had to have a surgery suddenly and they couldn’t keep Justice with them, I just-” she shrugged “I just told them they could bring her over to me since I am closer to them and I could bring her home. So yeah.”
“Oh oh, alright. Yeah.” you cleared your throat “I get it now, that was the call about. My phone died from battery so yeah. Uhm-” you glanced back at your house but for some reason you still didn’t feel like going in yet. Not just for a second.
“Is he alright?” she whispered, knowing she was talking about her husband.
“Yeah, he’s fine.” you gave her a soft smile, trying to calm her down as much as you could.
“Are you sure? I mean anything it is, I can take it you know it. I just- I need to know it, he’s my husband (Y/n).” she whispered and you tried so hard to keep the smile on your face. You could absolutely understand her, she was freaking out with what she’d been told and you just didn’t know if she should face who she considered a husband yet or not.
“No, Gen I swear to you- everything is alright.” you felt an unpleasant lump in your throat “As much as it can be with the two idiots we call husbands.” you giggled and she let out a soft chuckle “We’ll talk about this later, I promise.” you placed a hand on her shoulder “But-” you glanced down at the two boys, smiling more widely “What about these two lovely gentlemen? Are you not gonna give auntie (Y/n) a hug or what?”
They both giggled as they wrapped their arms around your waist and legs, making you chuckle as you rouffled their hair “They just were trying to be polite because I told them that if they were quiet I’d get them ice cream on the way back home.” Gen said with a laugh.
“Uh the old recipe as it seems. Ice cream always makes things better, and it gets them to do what they should.” you chuckled.
“Are you gonna come for ice cream too auntie (Y/n)?” the older boy asked and you smiled.
“You know I never miss a good chance.” you smiled “I think Justice will like it too.” you breathed out, looking at Gen who gave you a perplexed look.
“Auntie (Y/n), mom said that daddy is here? Is it true?” he asked again and you smiled at him, knowing what a soft spot he had for Jared.
“Yeah, little one. Daddy is in there, wanna go give him a big hug?” you asked in a lower voice and he nodded his head with a grin.
“Yes, yes!” he squealed and both boys ran as fast as their little feet could carry them.
“Let’s go.” you whispered but before you could leave she took hold of your arm.
“(Y/n), are you sure everything is alright?” she was staring deeply in your eyes as if trying to read your mind.
You had to force a smile but it just seemed impossible “I’ll… explain later. Come on.” and she didn’t question you any further.
The sight that you first came upon, once you entered the living room, was a stunned but also very emotional Sam with two boys rambling to him about their day. He looked up for a second, his eyes actually locking with yours, but you found it impossible to hold his gaze when you just refused to stop thinking about his brother. You looked away, in search of the older Winchester but he wasn’t here, and neither was your daughter.
“And then we- we decided to build a fort out of blankets with JJ but- but we didn’t have time because we had to come here.” the older boy said with a little too dramatic sigh that made Sam grin as he looked down at him.
“Did you buddy?” he gave him a dimpled smile, ruffling his hair as he looked between the two of them.
“Yeah but- but we love auntie (Y/n) a lot so we were happy we saw her!” Shep said with a shrug and both you and Gen smiled softly at them.
“That’s amazing, guys.” he breathed out a laugh before looking up at his wife, his smile fluttering slightly before he remembered he shouldn’t let anything show. You still wouldn’t blame him, having two kids you’d never seen before call you dad was one thing that surely made lots of feelings rise in his chest, but Gen was no stranger to him and their past wasn’t as sugar-coated as you could say yours was.
“Hey baby.” he breathed out, getting up from the couch and walking towards her. Out of habit, and maybe because you were still searching with your eyes for Dean and your daughter, you took a few steps away from them.
“Thought you weren’t even going to notice me.” she breathed out a laugh that sounded so forced and sad to you, your heart ached for your friend. You had to find a way to change this before it was too late.
“Not gonna happen.” he said softly and much more smoothly than in the French Mistake he leaned down to peck her lips, cupping her face in a comforting way. And it seemed to work because when they pulled away she had a somewhat relieved and more carefree smile.
“I heard you weren’t really yourself yesterday.” she said softly, her hands resting on his chest.
“Yeah, it’s, you know-” he chuckled softly in such a way that reminded you of Jared “Had a little too many drinks with Jensen. Was dared by Misha to pretend we were Sam and Dean for a day and everything went down from there.”
“As always.” she mumbled, shaking her head with a small huff. “Jared, are you sure you’re alright? Absolutely alright?” and you knew the exact reason why she was asking this, it was the same one behind the Always Keep Fighting campaign that had her on edge most times. But it was all because of pure love.
“I am, I know I am Gen. Don’t worry about it, I promise.” he leaned down and kissed her forehead “We can talk about it later if you want to but it’s just that. Promise, I’m fine. I would never… hide something from you.” and at this point you had a feeling he was trying to force himself to see-imagine someone else standing in front of him. Someone that look a whole lot like you. He was trying to picture it was (Y/n) standing in front of him.
You were ready to speak but at that moment you saw your daughter run inside the living room with three cookies in hand, eating one of them as she handed the others to her two friends.
You smiled, raising an eyebrow at Dean who just shrugged “She wanted cookies, was hungry and couldn’t reach it.” he mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he watched the three kids giggle and play around. She was already getting him to do whatever she wanted and the similarities with your husband were even more striking.
“Speaking of hungry, I think we all are a little bit.” you said with a smaller but more honest smile when you noticed how entranced he was to watch her laugh “Gen, how about we go make something to eat and the guys can take care of the kids hm?” you looked at all the three other grown people, noticing how Dean looked at you a little worried.
“It’s fine by me.” Sam breathed out a little too fast and you grinned when you saw how much he was willing to spend more time with his two boys. It didn’t surprise you, he always was one meant for the apple pie life, kids and wife and the whole package, so it was probably really important for him to get to know the kids. His kids.
“Yeah, me too.” Gen shrugged, more carefree at the moment and you glanced at Dean.
“It’s a plan then.” you smiled as she placed Justice’s bag with clothes and toys, as you noticed, next to the couch and took off her shoes “Come on.” you said softly as she walked towards the kitchen.
You made sure to lean down and kiss your daughter’s head which of course made her give you a big adorable smile before following after Gen. Or at least that was your plan.
“You’ll be fine.” you whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder and making him look at you with a deep frown “You can do this, I know. She won’t bite, I promise.” you giggled softly because of how scared he looked. But it seemed like it was all out of excitement and the need to know more, so he needed the small push.
“(Y/n) I don’t know if I can-”
“Be a good father?” you completed his sentence with a smile “Well, time to figure it out, isn’t it? You’ll do amazing, I know.”
“How?” he choked out and you placed a hand on his cheek.
“Because the moment you first laid eyes on her-” you glanced at your daughter “It was once I gave birth, you had this very same terrified look on your face. You whispered to me how I could put so much faith in you, how I just knew that you’d do great as a father and all I said is ‘Because I know you love her more than your life.’ simple as that. And up to this day… I have never been wrong about a thing, including that.” you could see his brows knit in a frown as you recounted a memory you had with your husband and daughter, almost making him feel like it was really him, eyes glossy not with just tears but also millions of emotions.
“You’ll do great.” you whispered, kissing his cheek “Just be yourself. She loves Dean the most, you’ll see that.” you giggled, when he raised his eyebrows in awe.
“She does?” he breathed out.
You laughed “Oh you have no idea.” you patted his chest and with a last glance you left him.
The last thing you saw was one. Him finally smiling honestly at the little girl as her squealing voice was heard saying one thing “Daddy! Come play with us!”
“He seems better. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.” Gen said to you in a whisper and you nodded your head, giving her a soft smile.
“I told you so, Gen. Besides, Jared said it himself. Too many drinks, stupid bets and those idiots made everybody worry.” you shrugged, cutting the vegetables.
“I just- for a moment I got a little too worried about him, (Y/n).” she breathed out “We’ve been through so much I just wanted him to catch a break for once, you know?” she gave you a half smile, eyes glossy with tears and you felt worse than you had before.
You wanted to tell her, part of you had been nagging you to tell her who they really were. She deserved to know where her real husband was and the danger you were all actually facing in case the witch was never found or the spell reversed. They were people, and maybe Dean’s heart beat only for you like it happened with Jensen, but for Sam things were so much different. He could pretend, better than in the French Mistake, and he could pass as Jared for some time but his feelings were so much different than Jared’s and that would sooner or later cause problems.
“I know Gen.” you whispered, because as much as you wanted to you couldn’t utter a word. You were meant to go through this alone in hopes of dealing with it as soon as you could. You couldn’t burden her with this too, not yet at least. She had already gone through enough, it would be so much worse to find out something like this.
You heard her say something but her words were muffled and you took in a sharp breath, knowing what would come next so you braced yourself on the kitchen counter.
“No reverse spell means we have only one option then, doesn’t it?” your husband said with a sigh as he closed another book.
“Kill the witch.” Jared said with a nod of his head “Right.” he ran a hand through his hair.
“Which we still have no idea of to begin with.” Jensen mumbled bitterly “We have any news from Cas?”
“No, he hasn’t called. Maybe we should check in on him to make sure?” Jared suggested with a small shrug and you realized you were not participating in the conversation because you were standing on the corner, just watching them.
“It’s because they look a lot like Sam and Dean at the moment huh?” you whispered to yourself and felt your lips pull into a small sad smile.
“Like you have no idea.” she, you, thought so that you could hear it.
“You miss them?” your voice sounded hoarse.
“Like crazy.” she, you, closed your eyes to fight the tears “How- How are they?”
“They’re both good. Both. You don’t have to worry about them.” you answered.
“It’s hard not to.” she, you, let out a shaky sigh “They’ve always been around. He’s always been.”
“Well, he is …ok now. As much as he can be considering the situation.” you said, doubting she was really talking about Sam at this point.
“Jensen’s… he’s a little bit more content himself.” she whispered, turning to look at your husband “Calm. He’s a little more calm now. Don’t know for how long it will last but… I’ll try my best to keep it this way.”
“I know you will (Y/n).” you whispered “I know you.”
Silence followed in your head between the two of you for only a few seconds though “They… met their kids today. Sam his two boys and Dean his little girl. They both got very emotional, Dean…” you trailed off on that part “They are all very good, though. And the kids are alright, didn’t realize a thing.” you said softly and a smile tugged at her lips.
“JJ” she whispered and weirdly enough you felt the familiar swell of your heart at your daughter’s mention. Why could she feel this way after all?
“Jensen talked to me about her, he showed me a photo. She’s… so beautiful.” she said breathlessly and you would have nodded your head if you could “She is amazing, and the love he has for her is… unbelievable.”
“She is. Took after her papa for most part.” you chuckled “And yeah, I know. She adores him to pieces. He’s an amazing father.”
“Jensen told me that… Dean’s her favorite one.”
“Well, took after her mama on that.” you breathed out a chuckle.
“Did she huh?” she, you, looked down while biting your lip.
“(Y/n)… is everything alright?”
“I have no idea anymore.” she whispered but your conversation ended at that because she, you, shook your head and putting on a smile you walked towards the boys.
“I could call him if you want to.” you said with a shrug as they immediately looked at you.
“That would be real helpful (Y/n).” Jensen nodded his head.
“It’s still a little hard talking to him. Other than him being a real life angel it’s just hard because we only see him as Misha.” Jared mumbled with a tight smile.
“I understand, from the descriptions I’ve heard they are nothing like each other.” you chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder seeking the contact as always but this time it felt so much more different and not just because he was Jared “But I really think it would be one hell of a moment to see those two meet.”
A small smile formed on his lips and he breathed out a chuckle “Misha would so take that selfie and tweet about it.” he said as you took a seat next to him, preferring to keep your eyes only on him even if you felt Jensen’s eyes on you “If…” Jared started again “We ever really make it back to see him again.”
“You will, Jared.” you whispered, your hand moving on his hand to give him a comforting squeeze. It was awkward for a moment and you almost saw him stiffen up. He was finding it hard, you could understand, because he could only see you as his great friend and as much as you tried to suppress it it was nearly impossible to hide that you saw him as Sam. That you wanted to be close to him, maybe out of a habit anymore, and that you needed the contact very much.
So to make him feel more comfortable you said something else “And you will see your kids again, just like… Sam and Dean did.”
“What?” he breathed out, his eyes widening “They- they did?”
“Yeah, they actually did. Your two little boys and Jensen’s-” your eyes locked with Jensen’s green ones and your heart skipped a beat “Daughter.” you cleared your throat, awkwardly so, and looked back at Jared. Maybe a little guilty avoiding Jensen actually.
“How- how are they?” he smiled, his eyes filling with tears.
“They’re good, very good actually. Didn’t realize a thing.” you said with a content smile as he seemed to relax. And your hand still didn’t leave his.
Maybe you were trying to remind yourself of something. Maybe you were trying to make yourself feel as if nothing had happened, as if this was actually Sam, so you just continued to rub your thumb over his palm to calm him down. Or maybe, again, it was all about yourself. It was all to forget of the looks you were getting from the other man in the room and it was maybe all to convince yourself that everything inside of you was the same.But it wasn’t and sadly, you knew it.
“Wait-” Jensen’s voice was heard and you had to look at him “How do you know?”
Everything once more became muffled and blurry and as you blinked, you were brought back to your own reality. You felt your eyes sting with tears and you rubbed your eyes with the back of your hands before everything else started coming back to you and your senses were sharp again, making you realize there was a hand on your shoulder.
“(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” she sounded worried but tried to keep her voice low to not make anyone realize a thing yet “(Y/n), please talk to me.” she sounded desperate.
“I’m-” you shook your head “I’m fine, Gen. I’m fine.” you breathed out, giving her a smile and placing a hand over hers “I’m ok, just zoned out.”
“(Y/n)” she sighed disapprovingly “You scared the hell out of me. What- Why would you do that?”
“Doesn’t… Doesn’t matter now, Gen.” you sighed but forced a smile “I don’t think it matters anymore.”
“Honey, don’t forget to eat your veggies too.” you said as you had knelt in front of your daughter, Dean standing only a few feet away. Despite his inability to utter a word, or at least form a proper sentence in front of her not to mention hold her, he just found himself unable to stay away from her.
You had noticed, once or twice that you walked into the living room, that although he was unable to interact much with her the way at least Sam did with the boys he still couldn’t find it in himself to stay away. He’d give her a smile or two, tears filling his eyes, every time she proudly showed him one of her drawings but that was it. No words, and you couldn’t blame him.
Your daughter made a face at the mention and the moment you looked at Dean he was making the same disgusted face as well. You shook your head with a smile and spoke to her again “Princess, you know it’s good for your health, right?”
“But mommy-” se started with a frown and you gave her a stern look.
“J, no. You have to eat them, and if you are done with all of them you can have some pie later, ok?” you booped her nose as she broke into a wide grin. Yep, you’d said the key word.
“Alright mommy!” she squealed and you smiled at her and the other two boys sitting in their small table and got up, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder.
“Shall we?” you asked with a soft chuckled, and clearing his throat he nodded his head.
“She’s practically a mini you.” you whispered, glancing at him “Sometimes I think she got only your DNA in her, almost makes me jealous.” you shrugged shyly “Hope these two have some of me in them too.” you mumbled, placing a hand on your belly.
A smile formed on Dean’s lips but he tried to fight it “They will, (Y/n). They will.”
You took a seat on a chair each, sitting next to Dean and despite every instinct in him Sam had to stop himself from sitting next to you as per usual. He awkwardly moved on the other side right in front of Dean and took a seat next to Gen.
“(Y/n), wine?” Gen asked but you quickly shook your head.
“Uh no, I’m fine Gen. My stomach’s still not feeling right and the doc said it would be nice if I avoided drinking a little bit.”
“It’s not something serious, is it?” she asked as you helped her serve everybody their food.
You glanced at Sam and then Dean before shaking your head “Nah it’s all good. Great actually.”
“Really?” Dean breathed out as you handed him the same veggies you had given your daughter and you giggled “You’ll have to eat them, you know.”
“But (Y/n)-” he started in the same whiny voice your daughter had used before and you raised an eyebrow, an authoritative look on your face.
“Fine” he huffed, rolling his eyes and actually stealing a glance at your daughter with a fond smile as she not-so-happily ate on her own vegetable.
“Like father like daughter.” Gen said with a giggle and you broke into a wide grin, just as Dean’s back straightened and his eyes widened slightly. So instead he pretended to be interested in his food.
“You tell me.” you breathed out, looking at Dean who at the same time looked at you and got carried away. But just for a moment because when he looked at Sam he clenched his jaw and put his walls up. You sighed as you saw the stern but disappointed look on Sam’s face so you decided to focus on your friend and make it less obvious on how things were so very wrong.
“Hopefully the next one will be more like you.” she added, taking a seat and startling both Sam and Dean with her statement.
“We don’t know yet, we’re still waiting to see.” you shrugged “In the meantime we’re practicing.” you giggled and she did the same.
“Practicing huh?” she smirked and you laughed, without realizing it placing a hand on top of Dean’s.
“You know us, every month is honeymoon for us ever since we got married. Seriously can’t understand how you aren’t already sick and tired of us.”
“Oh (Y/n) that could never happen and you know it!” she chuckled, eating as you did the same.
“Yeah well, at least I am not making myself a total fool in front of him anymore so that’s something!” you chuckled, glancing at Dean to see him looking at you with a smile. A true one for the first time in a while.
“Can’t say I don’t miss that one.” he whispered and you looked down in shame.
“Shut up! Those words are never coming outta my mouth ever again!” you blushed.
“Oh dear, I still remember them as if it was yesterday!” Gen chuckled, and Sam only looked at you in confusion.
“Well, you never know. It might be me to say it after all.” he chuckled softly, his thumb rubbing over your hand.
“Blackmailing. That’s how he’s makes me do everything he wants!” you shook your head, your cheeks still burning.
“As if you don’t already make him do anything you want.” Gen pointed out and you shrugged.
“Guilty.” you breathed out, looking at Dean whose smile had slightly fallen and he looked at you almost in awe. You gave him a soft smile before looking down at your hands “But just so you know, if, just if, we have kids coming in a couple months it’s all up to the Ackles genes and how irresistible he is.”
“Oh I know, but don’t think we’re letting you beat us!” she said with a grin, glancing at her husband “Hopefully our own next one will too take a little more of me than her father. Those damn genes.” she chuckled, kissing Sam’s cheek. Sam who only looked at her with a frown.
“And hopefully it will be a girl.” you added and she nodded her head.
“Hopefully but still, you know, practicing.” she smiled shyly “Oh and I almost forgot, remember that hiking trip we were planning with the kids?” she asked and you nodded your head as you glanced at Sam to notice him staring at their linked hands with a frown and nervous smile as she spoke about the two of them.
“Well…” she started and despite how bad you felt you still didn’t bring yourself to listen to what she was saying. The only thing you could notice was how awkward Sam felt with her around, and you almost thought you noticed the knowing look on Dean’s face. Almost as if he was telling him that “I told you so”.
But this was not a joke, this was very much real and the ore affectionate Gen got the more Sam started understanding how hard it has been for Dean all this time. Because maybe what he and Ruby had was over but you knew that at some point at least he had felt things for her and now she was all he ever wished for in a wife, how could he not break at some point?
“That’s… great, Gen.” you said a little awkwardly, glancing at Dean who was only playing around with his food, in deep thought, and just a few times atealing a glance at your daughter. And once or twice at you.
“It’s just a matter of finding the right time to. With all the work they have to put into Supernatural it’s so hard.” she mumbled, looking down.
“We’ll find the chance to, baby.” Sam put on a smile, squeezing his hand “I promise.”
“It’s all about relaxing, taking some time to ourselves and enjoying each other’s company. But… that seems to much for me to ask nowadays.” she sighed and you felt your heart ache for her. It wasn’t her fault, especially that any of this was happening. And you knew Sam must really be wanting to comfort her but it didn’t feel right for him.
“I’ll try to do my best, Gen.” he whispered.
“I know you already are, baby, hunting monster’s just not a part time job.” she muttered with a small shrug and you noticed a hint of bitterness in her voice.
The moment you locked eyes with her you realized she wasn’t entirely convinced yet, and you couldn’t blame her with how stiff Sam still was. You could practically see it happening, she was going to make him talk more about it later and despite how much faith you had in Sam to not hurt her, you didn’t know that his actions would do the same. He just wasn’t Jared, he didn’t know how to act around her, didn’t know the right things only her husband could tell her or even show her with his eyes. And you just couldn’t afford her to be burdened with this. Not her.
You saw how Sam and Dean stiffened up and you cleared your throat “Then how about you try starting by now?” you suggested “We have a spare guest room for the kids and the bed on the other one is big enough for two if you’d like to stay that is?”
“Sounds good to me, what do you think J?” she asked, looking at him with a tender smile and even if you expected Sam to relax a little bit he only seemed more unsure and stiff. All you wanted was to help him keep things under control, because if he saw all the photos and everything in his own house, everything he dreamed about being true, you didn’t know how he’d react. But he only seemed to not want to be in your presence with her around. Or at least that’s how you saw it.
“It will be nice.” he choked out.
Dinner was over before you could realize it, and as said you had helped Sam, Gen and the boys get comfortable in their rooms before making your way to your daughter’s and helped her change. Not that you were there anymore though.
“Uh yeah, yeah then we- we will make sure to visit too.” Dean paused for a moment “Alright, bye. Love you too… mom.” you had to keep yourself from making a face at how hard he seemed to find it to say that word to the woman.
He hung up with a heavy sigh of relief, shaking his head “It was Jens-” he stopped himself when he took notice of the little girl in front of you whose hair you were braiding, his back straightening as he looked nervous. So much it made you smile, he was so similar to Jensen he couldn’t realize. He didn’t expect her there but he decided to keep going anyway.
“My mother.” he said, forcing himself to look at you “Uh she was saying it would be nice to visit at some point and she apologized for JJ.”
“I’ll make sure to call her as well.” you mumbled, focusing on the task at hand. Silence fell in the room and when you looked up through your lashes at the man he was still standing in the exact same position, staring almost in awe at the little girl as she played with her stuffed animal while you braided her hair.
You cleared your throat to gain his attention and blinking he looked up in your eyes, just as you smiled softly and raised an eyebrow as if to ask him if everything was alright. He just clenched his jaw and shifted uncomfortably in his place, his eyes shifting between you and her and you could swear he looked scared and worried beyond belief.
You shook your head at him “It’s ok” you mouth to him but he just frowned more, almost shaking his head. He didn’t even know what to do as he stood on the door awkwardly so, staring at the two of you. The only thing you did was sigh and get done with your task.
“Honey, you’re ready.” you said with a proud smile once you finished and a bright smile spread on her face.
“Yay! Thank you mommy!” she giggled, jumping to wrap her arms around as you leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“No problem princess!”
She giggled and turned around in excitement to face Dean “Daddy, do you like it?” she asked, looking up at him with a sparkle in her eyes and Dean nodded his head reluctantly.
“Very much so, princess.” he choked out and you smiled proudly at him nodding your head.
He took in a shaky breathed “Uh wha-what…?” he started, looking at you with a confused look and deep frown and you tried to offer him a reassuring smile.
“JJ wanted to sleep with us tonight.” you said with a soft shrug and his eyes widened even more “It’s ok, relax.” you whispered, giving him a reassuring smile.
He took in a deep breath, his chest puffing out slightly before he knelt down to be in her eye level “What is it sweetheart? Are you scared of the darkness? Or the monsters under your bed?” you couldn’t help the smile as he tried to make a talk with her.
“No, daddy.” she rubbed her eyes with her small fist “I know you fought them all away, you promised me but- but sometimes I have nightmares and they are really scary.” she said with a small whimper and you felt your heart ache for your little girl.
“Nightmares huh?” his voice was very rough and you could see he was affected “Don’t worry, sweetheart, da-” he almost choked on the word “Daddy’s gonna fight them all away for you, the way only he knows.”
“Will you? How daddy, how?” her eyes widened in surprise and you almost held your breath as you watched him slowly take his walls down one by one just for her.
“That-” he put on a small classic Dean smirk “That is for me to know and for you to wonder, kiddo. Just so you can always need me and you will always come to your dad for help when they get too much.”
“I will always need you daddy, and I will always love you!” she exclaimed, jumping to wrap her arms around his shoulders and Dean gasped, suddenly not knowing what he wa supposed to do and what human interaction meant in the first place. He almost remind you of Castiel for a moment. He was just getting used to talking to her without choking on thin air but he was not ready for the affection yet.
“Dean” you whispered and caught his attention “Hug her?” you said with a soft smile “Hug her back.” you repeated, motioning for him to move and reluctantly he did so. He almost looked scared that he was going to break her, as if she was a glass doll, so he didn’t really hold her as tight as he could but it was a small step and it was enough at the moment. It felt as if that very first day you brought her home and had to guide him through all of this again.
Your eyes slowly drifted to your belly as you placed a hand over it, remembering how in few months if everything went alright there would be two babies. You could feel tears well up in your eyes and part of you wished so bad he could be there to see it. Part of you wished Dean could witness it since he had not gotten the chance to see that with Justice. Part of you-
“I love you too sweetheart.” he choked out and you bit your lip to keep the tears back when you looked up and saw he close his eyes almost… in agony. Oh the pain that was written all over his face felt as if it was crashing you.
“I’m sorry.” a voice rang in your ears, but it wasn’t Dean’s or your daughter’s. It was yours but you didn’t-
“You don’t have to be, (Y/n).” it was Dean’s voice, less rough and more like your husband’s.
It was Jensen’s but… you didn’t see him, not in the way you expected, and not as if you were in the bunker. You could only hear the voices while you only watched Dean with your daughter talk but couldn’t hear them like there was no sound. It felt like the two realities were starting to blend in a worryingly scary way. You shut your eyes tightly, listening to the conversation as you hoped you could get a flash or two because this was making you more dizzy.
“I just- I am. What I did is- oh god.” your voice came out weak and almost choked on… tears?
“You just were… in need of some attention, you miss Sam I understand.” Jensen’s voice was strained and you understood he was struggling to say the words maybe because he didn’t believe them or he didn’t want to believe them.
“Thank you for not taking advantage of the moment I seriously don’t know what I was doing, I just-” a shaky sigh was heard “I just am scared to think it wasn’t because I miss Sam that much.”
“But… why? What else could it be for?”
“You” it was a faint whisper “I’m scared that the real reason I-” your voice stopped and you almost held your own breath and she continued.
“I kissed you was because of everything you told me.”
Chapter 11: Chapter 10
“I’m scared that the real reason I kissed you was because of what you told me.”
The words seemed to echo in your head as you opened your eyes and you were fully brought back to your reality, sound accompanying the image you saw.
She - You kissed Jensen?
“(Y/n)?” his rough voice made you blink and look up to see Dean frowning at you along with your daughter. She had her head tilted and an adorable frown was on, but still it showed that she got worried as well. So instead you just offered her a gentle smile.
“I’m fine, don’t worry. Zoned out, that’s all.” you breathed out and she seemed to relax, unlike the older man who still seemed suspicious.
“Daddy-” she caught his attention “Are you gonna read me a book?” the excitement in her voice made a small involuntary smile form on his lips.
“Sure princess.” he breathed out “Just let me change and I’ll be right back for storytime.” he ruffled her hair and you slowly got up to make your way to her, taking her from his arms. Did he seem reluctant to let go of her?
You smirked slightly at him “You’re lucky she didn’t ask you to play tea party.” you murmured to him with a giggle and he breathed out a laugh.
“We could play some with my stuffed animals, later, right?” her baby voice caught your attention and you noticed how she was looking up at Dean while hugging your legs with big sparkling green eyes.
You caught his smile as he shrugged “As long as I don’t have to wear anything remotely pink, I’ll survive.” he breathed out with a smile and you giggled, making him narrow his eyes.
“Please tell me she hasn’t-”
“She’s pretty much made you wear lipstick once or twice.” you shrugged, rubbing her back as he made a face.
“She’s so your daughter.” he let out a heavy sigh and you giggled once more shrugging.
“She has your genes too.” you tried to justify it as he scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully. He made sure to grab some clothes but before he could leave you did notice how he lingered on the door and watched you pick up the little girl, whispering things to her and making her laugh. When you glanced his way and locked eyes you gave him a soft smile but he shook his head and left without a word.
“Mommy” her voice made you look down at her in your arms “Is daddy ok? He’s been acting… weird.” she said with a small pout.
“Daddy’s… he’s fine princess. Just lot of work and he’s tired, that’s all.” you tried to be as convincing as you could. She couldn’t suspect a thing.
“Of hunting monsters?” she whispered and you gave her a weak nod.
“Yes, hunting monsters princess. You know how much effort that takes, and for him to beat all the bad guys that want to hurt his princess he must put aaaaall of his effort into it.” you said in a sweet voice “Because what is a king without his beautiful princess daughter?”
She giggled, pushing a few strands of blonde hair behind her shoulder “Daddy’s fighting the monsters for me and you?”
“Yes, baby. He’s doing it all for us, but mostly you.” you pecked her nose, making her let out a squeaky sound “Because he loves you, he loves us. And despite how this job is… tiring him, wearing him out, he keeps doing it because he wants his princess to feel protected at all costs!”
“And his queen? You are his queen right?” she asked with a bright smile and you nodded your head, kissing her forehead.
“Absolutely, sweetheart. And your father is doing all of this because he cares for us, he’s both the king and the most handsome knight in shining armor for his baby princess.” you squeezed her “But today the monsters were too hard for him to fight so all he needs is his beautiful family to take care of him, do you think you can help me do that baby?”
“Yes, mommy yes!” she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air “I will help daddy rest.”
“Good, because you know he needs a break too. Everybody deserves breaks, and your daddy is very tired of fighting. This is his chance to smile for once and we are gonna help him enjoy the most of it, we will help him rest and understand that all this time… we’ve always been here waiting for him. And we will always be, hm?”
“Always and forever.” she said with a small nod of her head.
“Great, and we make sure he knows that alright? With as many hugs and cuddles as possible so that he’ll know that…” you felt tears well up in your eyes as you tucked a few strands out of her face “So that he’ll know how much we love him, how much we care for him and how he’ll always have us. No matter how many monsters he’ll have to fight, day and night, sleeping or not, we’ll always be here thinking about him. He’ll always be in our heart and prayers, he’ll always have us and our small castle. Despite all the monsters that will try to keep him away, whether they are his own or not, he’ll make his way to us in the end even with his heart and mind. And we will do the same because- because-” you felt a lump in your throat and you were scared if you kept going any longer you would start choking on sobs
“Because we love him? Because we are family?” she said in a baby voice and you nodded your head with an emotional smile.
“Yes, baby. Because we are family. We are his family and we love him more than anything.” you breathed out, kissing her temple as you closed your eyes. You tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill on your cheeks for her sake.
“Alright-” you cleared your throat “Now how about we gather all your stuffed animal and some pillows and surprise your daddy with a sort of fort? And hope that Monsters Inc. won’t be working tonight.”
“No mommy!” your daughter burst into a feat of cute laughter “Monsters Inc. are good guys now, they make kids laugh!” she shook her head with giggles.
“Really? Oh dear what mistake have I made! Perhaps we should rewatch it tomorrow to refresh my memory?” you suggested as she grinned nodding her head “And we should definitely tell daddy not to hunt them down too, right?”
“Yes, yes!” she nodded her head seriously and your laughter filled Dean’s ears.
The only thing the man did was close his eyes and let that painful tear roll down his cheek as he heard your voice mix with hers as you talked some more. His back rested on the wall as he tried to support himself, putting almost all of his weight there to keep himself from crumbling down on the floor and sobbing until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, running a hand down his face and allowing himself to smile sadly as he looked down at the floor. He willed himself to move away from the wall and quietly walk towards the bathroom to change, hopefully not allowing you to notice he was standing there next to the half-open door all the time.
“Always and forever.” he whispered to himself one last time, out loud now.
“Took you long enough.” you whispered, looking at him with a frown “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah” he breathed out, placing his clothes on a chair “Everything’s good. More than that actually.”
“We’ve gathered most of J’s stuffed animals to place around the bed but they weren’t enough.” you breathed out as you both looked at the little girl who had a serious frown and pout on.
“It’s ok” he breathed out, much to your surprise, with a wide grin before he knelt next to her “Hey baby, how about we put some pillows there and fluffy blankets huh?”
“Yes daddy!” she nodded her head with a bright smile as he chuckled.
“I’m right onto that.” you whispered with a gentle smile, not missing a beat to gather the stuff “Here” you handed most of them to Dean who, with J’s help, placed them all around the bed, creating a small wall.
“Well, not a fort exactly but-” you shrugged, smiling when you saw your daughter grin.
“It’s amazing!” she squealed and both you and Dean chuckled.
“You like it kiddo?” he whispered, kneeling next to her and you almost felt your breath hitch in your throat at how effortless that seemed to be. He was loosening up and it only warmed your heart.
“Very!” she giggled, throwing her arms around him “Thank you so much!” she just squeezed him and, just as surprisingly, he chuckled and closing his eyes he hugged her back.
“Come on!” she giggled, pecking his cheek “Come on dad, let’s go!”
Your eyebrows shot up, just as Dean’s eyes widened but a soft smile formed on his lips “Wh-what?” he choked out with a tilt of his head and you giggled.
“She wants you to carry her.” you said softly, wrapping your arms around yourself.
“Oh, oh” he said breathlessly and even more terrified “I- (Y/n) I can’t- can’t-”
“You’re not gonna break her, relax.” you whispered, approaching them as your daughter looked up at him with a bright smile.
“O-ok” he breathed out, this time wrapping his arms around her he did pick her up. She let a small giggle, cuddling on his chest and you grinned, giving him a nod of approval as he gave you a tight smile; seemingly holding his breath.
“Breathe” you whispered in his ear, placing a hand on his shoulder as he held her almost as if he was frozen in his place. He did as you told him and you smiled softly, thinking how much he reminded you of that first moment you brought her to this world.
“See” you said gently and he tore his eyes from her to look at you “It’s not that hard, is it?”
“N-no?” he whispered almost in a question and you grinned, eyes glossy with tears.
“No” you whispered, cupping his cheek as a tear slipped from your eye before you leaned in and pressed your lips softly to his.
“Ew mommy!” your daughter giggled, making a face and you pulled away, grinning as you ruffled her hair.
“The good thing about them being babies is they don’t know what interrupting means.” you breathed out with a laugh and he grinned as well.
“Mommy, daddy!” she wiggled in her father’s arms “I want a bedtime story!”
“Absolutely, baby.” you pecked her cheek, rubbing her back “I just need to make a quick stop to change too and I’ll be back alright?”
“Is everything alright?” a deep frown set on his face as he looked at you and then your belly in worry “Is it-”
“No, no” you chuckled, shaking your head “I mean nausea is always a thing, along with many other things, but don’t worry. It’s all a routine anymore.” you rubbed his arm and he seemed to relax just a little bit.
“If you need anything though-” he started, holding JJ closer to him as you grabbed one of his shirts.
“I’ll call, don’t worry.” you chuckled “And stop being such a Winchester alright? Tonight, just for tonight, you are relaxing and taking a break, D. You’re…” you let a soft sigh, glancing at your daughter whose head was resting on his shoulder and looking a little tired.
You smiled, rubbing her head before looking in his eyes “You’re spending time with your daughter, wife and two more unborn babies.” you giggled “Just enjoy it, yeah? Please, for us. For them.” you kissed his cheek before leaving them for a few minutes.
Truth was you were trying your best to give him some more time with her, letting him take in as much of her as he could, know her more and let his guards down for some time. Just for a little bit so that he could really relax for once. You knew that even if you tried your best to make him relax around you and take his walls down and see you as his wife and woman who loves him, he still wouldn’t stop seeing you as his brother’s girlfriend. And even if there were moments he forgot about it you knew that just the thought of what Sam was going to feel about this was enough to make him get defensive again.
You splashed water on your face but you suddenly started feeling your ears buzz before the sounds, which you thought were muffled talking, became more clear. And it made your heart leap to your throat.
“I love him. I love him. I love only him, I have to love only him. I must-” it was your voice, breaking occasionally from… the sobs? Were you, the other you, crying?
“There are no musts in love, (Y/n), you know that right?”
“I just- what I almost did- what I actually did-” a whimper was heard and you felt tears well up in your eyes when you actually started feeling all of her, your, emotions.
“(Y/n), it was just a kiss.” you realized it was your husband’s voice.
“I’m- I’m not talking just about that, Jens. I- nevermind, you won’t understand. This is fucked up that-” your voice was cut off by more sobs.
“If you tried to explain to me, I- I could understand. If you told me what you meant earlier then I could-”
“She’s so beautiful, Jens.” your voice whispered weakly “So so beautiful.”
“Our daughter. She has your smile, and your laugh and- and her eyes remind me so much of yours it just- it hurts.” and you saw a flash of him, his arms tightly wrapped around you as his shirt got even more wet with tears.
“JJ?” he breathed out “How…? When did you see her? Is this… all about her?”
“She’s so full of life, so happy and the way she calls out for you to play with her or- or me- when she calls me mommy I’m-” you let out a whimper “I feel my heart break into pieces whenever she does that yet- yet with a smile of hers I- I feel as good as new and… it scares me so much.”
“(Y/n)” his voice was hoarse, almost laced with tears itself.
“Why? Why did I have to- to go through this? Why did things have to get so fucking complicated now?” you hissed, anger mixing with fear and all with pain “All I wanted- all I wanted was some peace, I want to be quiet, to feel safe and normal for once. No fights, no anger, no drama or angst. I just-”
“That’s why you are with Sam, isn’t it? Because you seek out his comfort and not the fights with Dean.” he whispered something you both knew very well.
“Sam” it came out so broken you felt even the pang in your chest “Sammy. My Sammy, gosh what am I even doing? How could I do this to him, how?”
“(Y/n) it was only a kiss and you- you had your reasons. I am sure if he knew about this he would- he would understand.”
“I love him, I’ve always loved him Jens why-” you whimpered “Why does it feel different now? My Sammy, he’s- he’s so important to me. He means so much to me, he is everything for me. I- I love Sam, Jensen. I love my Sam. I know it but- but now- with what you told me, what I’ve seen how-”
“It won’t be the same, (Y/n) and for that I do apologize but- please try to calm down, sweetheart.”
“You sound so much like him, damn it.” you choked out “Damn it, damn you and damn Dean. I would never- Sammy is my small heaven, why would I ever think I don’t- don’t want him? Why would I ever feel different, now that things are going so well between him and I? Why must I- must I doubt it? Why must I have second thoughts, feel unsure and insecure about this when everything is ideal? Why must I- want this, you, her, that place, our life… our babies. Damn it.”
“It’s completely normal, baby.” you felt a kiss on your forehead “That’s all you’ve ever wanted in your life, peace and love. I understand- I understand that knowing all you have, all you can have, changes things. Seeing it, seeing her and knowing about our babies, our life together and everything. But you have to be strong, and calm to figure it all out.”
“Fi-figure wh-what o-out?”
“Your feelings, sweetheart.” he whispered “Your feelings.”
A gasp left your lips, your lungs filling with air as if you’ve been underwater or, most probably, holding your breath. You blinked several times, your face blurry and you rubbed eyes only to realize your cheeks were wet. And truth was you doubted it was only water but also tears. Your head felt dizzy and this time you were completely sure it wasn’t because of your pregnancy. You looked up in the mirror to see your red eyes staring back at you. You had been crying, just like her.
And just like your other self you had also been feeling everything she did. Your heart still ached, almost a little numb after the intense wave of feelings that rushed to you along with the vision. You let out a shaky sigh, your hands and legs trembling and shut your eyes tightly; taking in a deep breath. You splashed more water on your face and then wiped your face with a fluffy towel; trying to relax as much as your could. Your wildly beating heart didn’t help at all.
You tried to swallow the lump in your throat and smooth down your hair, hoping that he wouldn’t notice your slightly puffy eyes. With a last intake you left the bathroom and made your way to your bedroom, your heart still felt tight inside your chest and her words seemed to echo in your head.
“God, this is so messed up.” you breathed out, squeezing your eyes to fight back the tears once more.
“Again!” your daughter’s squeal caught your attention and you suddenly had a deja vu feeling. Despite your aching heart and your heavy stomach you made sure to walk more quietly and not interrupt them. The sight, as much as you doubted it considering the situation, made your heart skip a beat.
“Alright, hop up!” he chuckled, as you saw your daughter sit on his shoulder.
“You good?” he asked, his voice slightly muffled as he held her small feet.
“Yes!” she giggled in her baby voice and you placed a hand over your mouth.
“Ok, and uuuuup we go!” he slowly lifted her as she let a small squeal “Press the button?” he pointed his finger upwards and she pressed hers there.
“Press the button.” she said in a low voice, a grin on her face.
“Aaaand-” Dean raised her slightly before moving and “Down we go!” turning, and both of them fell on the bed with a small huff, her laughter filling the room as Dean chuckled.
He pulled away and turned to look at her, tickling her sides as she squirmed and squealed more “No, daddy! No!”
“Not if you don’t give me the key word!” he grinned, playing with her hands in such a similar way as when she was a baby.
“Pala! Pala!” she squealed and he smiled in pride “Mommy!”she grinned once she saw you and Dean’s head snapped in your direction. He seemed shocked for a moment, and you could almost swear you saw him blush, but you were too caught up with your own feelings at the moment.
“I see you two are playing, but you kept me out of all the fun?” you put on a playful frown and pout “Not nice.”
“We’re sorry mommy.” she said as you carefully got on the bed with the two of them.
“Make it up to me with a kiss?” you tapped your cheek and she grinned, throwing her arms around your shoulder and kissing your cheek.
“I love you mommy.” she exclaimed and you grinned, raising a finger.
“More than daddy?” you giggled and she nodded her head.
“More… than Dean?” you asked again, looking at Dean from the corner of your eye as she giggled and hid her face behind her hands.
“I love Dean more!” she exclaimed and you chuckled, pressing butterfly kisses on her cheeks, forehead and nose as you picked her up so that you could lay down on the bed with her tucked in your arms.
“Of course you do, don’t you?” you grinned, tickling her side as she squirmed in your arms giggling. You looked up from her to said man who was only staring in awe at the two of you, eyes glossy and mouth hanging slightly open.
“Hey you.” you whispered “You’re staring.” you said with a giggle as he bashfully cleared his throat and shifted so that he was laying on the bed, JJ now between the two of you.
“Well, you were staring first.” he muttered and smiling you extended a hand over your daughter to take hold of his hand.
“How did you know of this game?” you said softly and he shrugged, bringing your hand up to his lips to kiss your wrist.
“Looked some things up, it was… one of the things that came up.” he whispered and you smiled, cupping his cheek as his hand rested on top of yours.
“You were great at it.” you said “You’re great at all of this. Just like I told you.”
“(Y/n)” he started saying and you frowned sadly at him, knowing already what he wanted to say but couldn’t. He was still scared, terrified even.
“No, no don’t.” you whispered “Everything’s going alright. It’s fine. She’s happy.”
“Daddy?” your daughter’s voice made you both look down at her, breaking the silence that had set between you.
“What sweetheart?” he whispered.
“Are you gonna read me a bedtime story?” she asked, hugging her baby blanket close to her. She still seemed to be unable to let go of it but you didn’t blame her, Jensen had bought it for her when he first found out you were pregnant and you’d usually wrap her in it ever since she was just born.
“Hey, how about we do something different princess. How about-” he smiled, looking up at you as he took hold of her small hand in his “Mommy tells you a story about when you were a baby hm?” he asked softly and you smiled, scooting closer to the two of them and getting comfortable as you threw the blankets on top of you.
“I have some beautiful ones, for sure. But my favorite ones are with you and your daddy.” you grinned, tucking a few strands out of her face “Things you don’t remember because you were very young.”
“Like?” she asked with a wide smile.
“Well, one is the first time your daddy tried to put you to sleep. Gosh that was a mess.” you giggled “He tried every song he knew of but- but it wouldn’t work! For me there was no song research needed, just a few lyrics and you were fast asleep but it was different for him. He tried to make up lyrics too and honestly I never found out if that was what got the trick or you got so tired of crying and just fell asleep but- the thing I saw was you, tiny and curled with your pink blanket, on top of his chest as he too was laying on the bed snoring softly.”
She giggled behind her hands “Daddy is so funny when he snores.” she said, looking up at him.
“But cute nonetheless.” you shrugged “You know, in the end we found out which lullaby worked on you. Back then I thought this was supernatural or something but no, when I first found your father… singing ‘Hey Jude’ to you and you actually falling asleep in his arms as he rocked you I honestly didn’t know how to feel.”
“Wh-what?” he whispered and you nodded your head with a smile.
“More, tell me more about it mommy!” she insisted with a smile.
“Of course baby.” you agreed, going on as you looked between her and Dean. Dean whose eyes all the time seemed red with tears as you recounted almost every memory the three of you shared. Your life.
You didn’t realize it when you fell asleep. After sharing memories with your daughter, and mostly Dean, she still didn’t feel like sleeping so Dean actually decided to read her a story. Somewhere close to the end both you and JJ fell asleep, his voice was always calming, and even if it was a little more rough than you were used to hearing it still soothed you down. Only seconds before sleep enveloped you for good you felt a kiss on your forehead and a soft, yet raspy “Goodnight, baby.” that was definitely coming from Dean.
At this point you didn’t know why you woke up but maybe you didn’t mind it so much because the sight you came face to face with was all you ever wished for ever since you really found out the truth. He was sleeping, peacefully so for once, his arm was draped over both of you and your daughter was facing his side and curled up on his chest with a content baby smile on her lips. You tucked a few strands out of her face and smiled once she cuddled more with her blanket and on his side, Dean doing the same almost protectively so.
You didn’t say a word, trying to be as quiet as possible to not wake them up, and of course careful when you pulled away from his arm. He shifted slightly but ended up snuggling with JJ and you bit your lip to keep yourself from giggling. It reminded you so much of your husband you just couldn’t ruin this moment. Fixing the blankets on them and carefully getting up from the bed you made your way out of the room and downstairs.
However, the moment you walked into the kitchen you stopped in your tracks and even if you’d have normally smiled you did frown when you spotted him there. His shoulders seemed to be slumped, his head bowed as his weight rested on the kitchen counter.
“Sam?” you whispered and he looked up from the glass of water he was staring at.
“(Y/n)?” he squinted slightly when he looked at you.
“Why are you awake at this time?” you glanced once more at the clock to see it was nearly three in the morning.
“Could have asked you the same.” he said with a half smile and you gave him a look.
“Sam” you got more serious “What’s going on?”
“A lot actually.” he breathed out, grabbing a chair and sitting down as he ran a hand through his hair.
“Couldn’t sleep because of it?” you got closer to him, tilting your head to get a better look at his face.
“Because of everything. I’m-” he sighed, locking eyes with yours “You know her better than anyone, don’t you?”
“(Y/n), you have been her for years now. Everything she does and feels is really attributed to you.”
“I suppose, yeah, why are you asking though?”
“I’m just- last time we were in a universe like this, (Y/n) and I weren’t really together. So when… things happened with Gen, I didn’t really feel this way. Or feel anything in the first place. And now I’m-” he stopped himself, pursing his lips as he stared down at the floor wit a frown.
“Feeling things?” you whispered “Why, Sam? Did something happen?”
“Guilt, it is mostly guilt. I know.” he said breathlessly, trying to justify himself without really telling you what had happened “Because I love you… her… (Y/n), you know.” he shook his head “I love you, more than I thought it was humanly possible. You are so important to me I- I know I would give my life for you, I’ve dreamt of a family with you, of spending the rest of my life with you – or at least what’s left of it, you are so important I- I said things to my brother I never would. I got so hurt by a version of you feeling things for anyone else but me because I love you so much, yet I-”
“Slept with Gen?” you asked, but not in accusing tone or angry, only a soft smile. His head snapped in your direction, fear mixing with guilt as he looked at you like a kicked puppy; nodding his head weakly.
“Sammy” you breathed out with a smile “You don’t have to feel guilty about it. She is your wife.” you placed a hand on top of his arm “Supernatural or not, what Gen and Jared have is very strong I wouldn’t be surprised if Jared had put some of his feelings into the role- into you, without even realizing it.” you shrugged softly but it didn’t seem to make him relax in the least bit.
“I slept with Gen, (Y/n). I slept with her, I- we did-” he cut himself off, running a hand down his face “I don’t even want to imagine what (Y/n) would think, what she would feel, if she ever found out about this.”
“Sam, please. Don’t think about that, not now.” you shook your head “I tried to make Dean realize it too-” you noticed how he stiffened unpleasantly so at the mention of his brother’s name and you could partially understand why “This-” you motioned around you “I don’t think it just happened by accident. You know, better than anyone, that accidents don’t just happen accidentally. You are here for a reason, it all has to have happened for a reason. And I think that it has nothing to do with me, my other self or even Gen.”
“Then what?” his voice was hoarse and you squeezed his hand.
“Your boys, Sammy.” you breathed out with a grin “Your little boys, Sam, your sons. Because they are just as much yours.” you said softly and noticed how despite his broken and slumped posture a smile formed on his lips “Please, don’t tell me you didn’t forget about everything the moment they came into the house calling you dad?”
“I did. Gosh I did.” he breathed heavily “They are amazing. I- I had never seen them before, I had never heard them yet the moment I heard their voices I-”
“Felt your heart leap to your throat? Yeah, it happens with every parent.” you chuckled, rubbing his arm “You are their father, Sam, and they are your sons and it’s all about them. Not us, not this house, not a monster free world can ever surpass that. What you feel for them, and for me that is the whole purpose of this.”
“A-and what about- about Dean and JJ?” he asked reluctantly “I was too focused on them to notice how he’d react to finding he had a daughter. The similarities are striking too.”
“He-” you let out a soft sigh, looking away from him with a small smile “He pretty much freaked out.” you chuckled “But it was all so Jensen like. He loves her, he loves her more than he can believe is possible and he’s starting to let his walls down for real for once. I think she’s taking them down herself. He deserves it, for once, to really let go of everything.” you took a deep breath “And so should you, Sam.”
“For someone whose husband is literally in another dimension you are very calm about this.” he whispered and you had to avoid looking him in the eyes “Unless… you’ve found a way to communicate with him and haven’t told us?”
“It’s a long story, Sam.” you sighed “But what I feel is really not something I can talk about, either. I am trying to put my children first, born or not-” you placed a hand over your belly “I am trying to put logic first, as much as I have left anymore, and try to find a way out of this. And I know I am not the only one looking so that eases me a little bit. Anyway-” you shook your head, before you could let him realize tears had started pooling in your eyes “What I am trying to tell you is… don’t feel guilty, please, just don’t. (Y/n) is not gonna blame you.”
He laughed dryly, his eyes only now you realized were slightly red “Yeah right. That I slept with another woman, she will so easily forgive that.”
“I didn’t say forgive. I said understand and not blame you. Gen is your wife, you had feelings for her at some point and, you know, one thing can easily lead to another and you may not be able to stop it.” you shrugged “I realized it, thinking about it when you first walked into this house, Dean couldn’t do much to stop me, and I know that if you tried with Gen it would hurt her and she doesn’t deserve that. It’s best if she doesn’t know so you did the only right thing you could.”
“Right. Yeah, by whom though?” he frowned, shaking his head in frustration “How can I even expect from (Y/n) to be faithful, how can I ask of Dean to not even kiss a version of you when I-” he let a small growl, shaking his head “This is messed up.”
“Yes, it is.” you sighed “But that’s what you do, Sam, and sadly no matter what I say you’ll always end up feeling bad about what happened, about what you did, and we both know it. She- I am important to you, I know it but in the end… so are the kids anymore and so is this life. If you could say… you got carried away, nobody can blame you.”
“Just like I can’t blame Dean.” he breathed out, throwing his head back so that his eyes would focus on the ceiling “Yeah” his voice came out hoarse.
“I didn’t say anything.” you shrugged, smiling softly as you grabbed a bottle of water “But yes” you whispered “Just like you, or anybody else, can’t blame Dean.”
“I- I didn’t even know how hard it can be. Knowing you have a family, a house, seeing your kids and wife is all so… overwhelming. It’s like even if my mind told me to stop it, to stop feeling this way to stop acting this way, I still couldn’t. There was no logic there, no memory for real. The feelings felt like taking over and my mind was blank. I- I know what Dean went through now.” he ended up saying breathlessly and you bit your lip.
“Yeah, it is too much I suppose.” you sighed “But that’s something you two need to talk over yourselves, I can’t do much about it. Maybe- maybe talk with (Y/n) too. She… is experiencing this herself, even if you don’t know it.”
“The perfect life, Sam. The kids, the husband and beautiful house. A normal job and no monsters waiting for her on every corner. You’ll… understand what I mean in the end. Hopefully.” you shrugged, before giving him a soft peck on the cheek.
“Go to your wife, Sam. She needs you now, and be a great father to your kids for however long this lasts.” you squeezed his hand before pulling away and turning around to walk out of the kitchen.
“(Y/n)” his voice made you stop and turn to face him “Wha-” he had a frown on, asking you without having to voice the question.
“You will understand.” you whispered in the end before finally leaving him.
Besides, how could you ever voice that his girlfriend was a wreck because of what she had just found out? Because she had been present at certain parts of your day, as you acted, and seen it all? Seen her daughter? Felt her two babies inside of her? Experienced the life she had always longed for with a man she didn’t know she… had feelings for. A man that until a few days ago she had convinced herself was like a brother to her but now only dreamed to have this family with him? You couldn’t voice that, not yet.
You made your way upstairs, with the sound of your bare footsteps not being the only thing you could hear. And it wasn’t Sam, or Dean or any of the guests in your house but something else. It was almost a buzz, one you knew very well but nothing around you shifted and it was only muffled voices. It had started happening differently now, almost scaringly so. It felt like you and your other self were melting into one, trapped in the middle of these two realities. You feared it could become permanent. That there would be no undoing that made you realize you probably didn’t have as much time as you thought.
Blinking several times to forget about your worries, trying to call them silly ones at least, and calm your rapidly beating heart you carefully laid down again next to Dean and your daughter. You faced them, bringing your knees up to your chest to almost curl into a ball and slowly closing your eyes before a door slamming made you jump slightly. But it wasn’t happening here.
“We have a lead.” Castiel said breathlessly, eyes slightly wide.
“What do you mean?” Jensen asked with a tilt of his head as you rushed to brush away a few remaining tears from your cheeks.
“The witch.” Jared breathed out “We got a lead on the witch, come on we gotta go find her. Now.”
“The witch?” your voice was hoarse “What are we gonna-”
“If we can’t find a reversing spell to end this then we might as well do it another way.” Jared breathed out “We kill her, and the spell dies with her. And we-” he smiled hopefully “We go home.”
“And everything goes back to the way it was soon.” Jensen breathed out as your eyes widened when you looked at him, worry was lacing his features though “Soon, we won’t be here anymore.”
And your voice cracked as you choked out “You won’t…”
Chapter 12: Chapter 11
~In the Supernatural Universe~
“You won’t…” you choked out, feeling a fresh wave of tears well up in your eyes. You weren’t just scared, you knew this feeling, you were hopeless and you felt terrified.
“(Y/n)” Jensen’s voice rough somehow sounded distant as you struggled to breathe. A shake of your shoulders made you blink and focus back on him “Are you alright?”
“I’m- I’m-” you opened and closed your mouth like a fish out of water, looking from Jensen to the other actor and your angel friend standing a few feet away “I can’t do this.” your voice cracked and you felt Jensen squeeze your hand.
“I can’t do this, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just-” you felt like choking on your own tears as your head swam with a thousand thoughts.
“(Y/n), I- I know this is hard but we need to kill the witch and out of all of us you are the most skilled hunter. We- we can’t really do this without you.” Jared’s voice was desperate as he looked at you with puppy eyes, pleading for you to help them.
And it broke your heart in a million pieces to see him like this because there was a part in you that didn’t operate with logic and it only understood what was happening this very moment. And for that part this man was Sam, your Sam, needing your help and as always your body just wanted to wrap your arms around his shoulders and let him cry it out in your chest like most scary nights when the bad dreams he didn’t tell anybody about were too much to take. And now there was a nightmare coming true, the possibility of them being stuck here and your heart couldn’t take to see him like this.
But then there was another part of you, this one you had tucked away a long time ago, that in a way didn’t want them to go. Or more like, didn’t want him to go. Chuck, this was messed up.
“I- I can’t. I really just- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” you croaked, placing a hand over your mouth to hold back the sobs as you proceeded to bury your face in your hands.
“What is going on? Is- is she not alright?” Castiel asked with a deep frown, taking a step closer but Jensen shook his head at the angel.
“I wouldn’t.” he mumbled, turning to you just as you had pulled away from him “It’s ok, sweetheart. It’s all going to be fine, I promise.”
“Well, that’s the problem Jens.” you choked out, looking back up at him “Nothing will ever be fine again. Nothing. Not after this.” you wiped your tears away angrily and pushing your chair back roughly you got up and rushed out of the room to your own bedroom.
“J” it was Jared’s rough voice, almost accusing and the older actor ran a frustrated hand down his face “What was all that about? Really about?”
“Can’t talk about it, Jared.” Jensen mumbled roughly and a little too angrily as he clenched his jaw, staring at the map table with an almost glare.
“Can’t you?” the younger man clenched his jaw “Jensen. What the hell did you tell her?”
“The truth, ok?” Jensen hissed “I tried not to but it’s freaking impossible when I can only see my wife in her. Damn it Jared, are we gonna fight about this now?” he clenched his fists, looking at his friend in disbelief.
“No, not now. We don’t have the time to. But you- you need to make things right. Look at me-” he said angrily as he approached his friend, speaking in a more low and dangerous voice tone “These are people. They have their own lives and they have their own feelings. I don’t know what you told her but- damn it Jensen, you need to fix this before it’s too late. Because, and hopefully, we might be back to our own homes before you get the chance to.”
“I’d like to see how you would react if it was Gen in her place, though.” Jensen sighed, shaking his head and getting up from his seat.
Jared sighed, running a hand through his hair “Doesn’t matter now. You have to go talk to her while Cas and I gather all the things we need. You have ten minutes, max.” he huffed turning around and Jensen didn’t wait a second to push past him and follow in your steps.
He stopped in front of the door, hearing your muffled sobs and whimpers, and feeling like someone had stabbed him right in the chest. His palm rested against the door just like his forehead, his heart was beating painfully so inside his chest and he didn’t know if he should knock in the first place. But this was his last chance, he didn’t know if they’d get to kill the witch or just bring her here and try to make her undo this, they had not even talked about it.
He hesitantly fisted his hand and knocked on the door his fingers barely touching the wood to begin with but it did catch your attention as he was immediately met with silence and shortly afterwards a weak “Y-yes?”
He slowly opened the door and took a few steps inside, his eyes immediately falling on your weak curled up form on the bed “I just-” he started his mouth feeling dry “Jared and Cas are gonna gather every weapon needed and we- we uh have some time to talk… if you want to?”
“Talk? Where do we even begin with?” you scoffed, sniffling and brushing away a tear angrily.
“I know this is too much, even for you that you deal with this 24/7.” he sighed “I am so surprised I have not freaked the hell out already. I guess… it has a lot to do with you.” he ended up whispering, cupping your cheek as you stood there frozen for a moment, glossy (y/e/c) eyes staring back into his green ones. However, you weakly moved and closed your eyes nuzzled your face in his palm. He almost heard his own heartbreak as he dared himself to move closer to you, your knees touching.
“I’m sorry.” he said in a rough voice “I am so sorry for everything I’ve done, for everything I’ve said. I would never want you to feel like this.”
“Why do you blame yourself?” you frowned, opening your eyes to look at him. And the only thing he could see was his wife, so vulnerable and broken, just pleading with her eyes for some comfort and love.
“Can I not, (Y/n)?” he raised his eyebrows “If I had not told you about my wife, my kid and our life. If I wasn’t here in the first place you wouldn’t… hate your life so much, you wouldn’t be such a wreck because of everything you’re missing.”
“Jensen, it’s not your fault you are here.” your voice cracked as you placed a hand over his on your cheek “I could never possibly blame you for that and… no matter how much it breaks me to think you will go back to your own home and leave me I still can’t express how… thankful I am to you for everything you told me. For everything you’ve shown me.” you closed your eyes, kissing his palm and he didn’t even think before bring his other hand to fully cup your face and rest his forehead against yours.
“Thankful?” he whispered “(Y/n) this is breaking you.”
“No more so than the thought of you forgetting all about me.” you breathed out the small confession and he smiled softly.
“That will never happen. It simply can’t.” he whispered and you smiled, even if a tear rolled down your cheek.
“You gave me a purpose, Jensen.” you admitted “You showed to me what I’ve wanted for so long but pushed away for others’ sake. It is not knowing you, seeing everything we could possibly have, that breaks me. I mean how could it? Justice-” you giggled, although it was cut by a sob “JJ is the most beautiful little girl I have seen in my entire life. Gosh, she looks so much like you it just warms my heart more than I thought it was possible.”
“I will talk to her about you, I promise. I will tell her stories about you. This other…” he ran his thumb over your cheek “Mommy she has. The one that really differs little to none from her own mommy. One that loves her just as much. The one that would give her life for her. The one that… loves daddy just as much. Or at least… another version of daddy.” he cleared his throat as your eyes casted down for a moment “I will tell her how awesome this mommy is. I will tell her how this other version of mommy hunts monsters, and is badass, and is an amazing cook. Oh and that she loves flannel.”
“You will?” you choked out a giggle, biting your lip as another tear rolled and he grinned, sadly though, nodding his head. You sniffled, smiling gratefully at him before speaking again “Jens, can you- can you give me one last hug?”
“I will, just as many as you want. But it’s not goodbye, alright? Not yet.” he whispered and with a half smile you nodded your head, shifting so that you could sit on his lap; still curled like a baby as he wrapped his arms tightly around you and you rested your head on his shoulder.
“Can I tell you something?” you whispered weakly and he shifted so that he could look down at you.
“Yes” he said with all honesty.
“I’m not scared because I- I am going to miss you. Nor am I scared because everything will go back to the way it was. I- Maybe I want that, but I am scared it won’t happen J. And not because the spell won’t be reversed. It’s because after seeing all I’ve done, after experiencing all of this and after knowing the truth… the whole truth, I- I am not going to be the same.” you said with a shaky sigh, trying to swallow the lump in your throat.
“I should have just kept my mouth shut.” he sighed, shaking his head.
“No” you breathed out fast “No, don’t say that. I- I prefer this, even the heartbreak, over all the lies. I can’t have him lie to me, not anymore, and maybe I can’t have my own self do the same. Both to myself and him.” you shook your head “But Dean would have never told me the truth at first himself, no. If it weren’t for you I would have never found out anything.”
“It’s hard for him, or at least as much as I can understand.” he sighed “But (Y/n) you need to understand him. It’s Sam, his brother.”
“I do, and that’s the worst part. That’s what breaks me, Jensen, that’s what makes me feel like- like I don’t want you to go. Because I- I-”
“Don’t want him here. You can’t face him. Yeah.” he completed your sentence, squeezing you in his arms as you snuggled more to his chest.
“I don’t and do at the same time. I just… want to see him so bad but I- I can’t. And with Sam, gosh it’s the same too. I’m so messed up, aren’t I?” you took in a shaky breath “I can’t face them, Jensen, not yet. I’m- I’m scared, what am I even supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I- I know it’s not my fault or responsibility that you a-and some version of me are together, and Sam won’t probably be mad at me for that, but- but I know what I feel. I know, Jensen, I know what my truth is and the guilt of that- the pain, it’s all just too much to take. Too much to handle.”
“But you will have to sweetheart. And I hate that I won’t be here for that but- you need to be strong, (Y/n). You need to be sure, to figure everything out and… I know you’ll make the right choice. Your truth, that’s what you need to remember in the end.”
“My truth, yeah.” you said softly, closing your eyes and burying your face in the crook of his neck “The truth that made me do everything. The truth that’s made me do it all, made me look at you this way.” you pulled away, looking up at him as his eyes locked with yours.
“How can the truth hurt so much though, Jensen? How can we take it when… I know it’s going to break us apart.” you whispered and he rested his forehead against yours once more.
“It has to happen sweetheart. It already has.” he gave you a soft shrug “And that kiss was only the beginning.”
“I’m- I’m sorry about it. I know that- that I was just thinking about… him, and I got carried away. I got carried away by everything I felt, everything your words made me realize and I just I need to know how it would be and I-”
“Was only longing for him.” he completed your sentence with a smile and you bit your lip, letting the tears fall “You don’t have to apologize for that, sweetheart. Never, believe me.”
“But I will have to in the end. And the worst part of it is… it has only just began, Jens.”
“No, baby.” he whispered in the most Dean-like way he could master at the moment “No that is actually the best part of it all.” because these were probably the last words he would ever give to you, this was probably the last moment you would spend together and he needed to give you hope. So without even thinking he cupped your face and slowly leaned in and pressed his lips to yours in a gentle and loving kiss. He tried to pour all of his feelings into it, hopefully to make you realize that it was just what his other self felt.
He let a small sigh of relief when, even if you hesitated at first, you shifted so that you could face him completely and deepen the kiss. It was more needy, almost as if your life depend on it, and he knew it was both your way of saying “goodbye” and “come back to me soon”. But he knew you were asking it all from the man your heart saw, and that man was only Dean. You were desperate, you were needy and at the same time scared because you didn’t know what Dean’s reaction to something like this would be. So you just wanted to savor the moment as much as you could. And at this point he really wanted to do the same, before everything changed.
Yes, he understood himself. Nothing would ever go back to normal after this. For any of you.
~In our Universe~
When you woke up it was, luckily, only because of the sunlight slipping through the curtains and not because of some bad dream or even worse because you got a flash into the Supernatural universe and the feelings were overwhelming. You did see things but this time it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t much of course, just a minute of your husband’s face hovering over yours as he kissed you – well her too – but unlike any other time you only felt peace. She felt peace, she felt calm and content. As if the biggest weight had just gotten off her chest, as if what she’d been holding back was finally off her shoulders.
You didn’t have to think hard to know what that was. You knew what was the one thing that burdened her ever since all of this started, the fear and guilt were always fresh, and now that she felt relieved it was a big contrast. Not that she wasn’t scared, oh you could feel it crystal clear, terrified and sad that Jensen would leave but content nonetheless.
You let a soft sigh, wiping away the tear that had slipped from your eye without realizing it. All this communication, almost mind melding, happened without you realizing it and her feelings just became yours as well. You shifted and turned so that you were facing away from the window and to the other two persons that you exepected to see on your bed.
A smile formed on your lips before you could help it as you tucked a few blonde strands out of your daughter’s face. She was cuddling on Dean’s chest as said man was snoring softly, her own lips were open as a small pout was on. You giggled slightly at the uncomfortably weird angle Dean’s head and entire body was in, all to make JJ comfortable. Oh he was certainly going to regret it in a few hours, you could practically hear him mumble – Jensen always did – but at the same time with the biggest smile on his face – again just like Jensen.
A soft groan caught your attention and blinking you realized Dean shifted, moaning softly before letting out a heavy sigh and stretching. J stirred slightly on top of him but she still was sleeping pretty heavily to realize a thing. You grinned as your palm rested on top of her back, rubbing it softly.
“You’re staring.” his raspy voice made you look up to lock eyes with his green ones, shining thanks to the light coming through the curtains along with his freckles. You always loved this part of him in the mornings.
You scoffed but smiled “I am merely gazing.” you shrugged and he grinned lazily.
“Whatever floats your boat.” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand almost like a little child. He finally glanced down to see the little girl sleeping on his chest and his smile turned into a small grin.
“Does this…” his voice was lower, almost in a whisper, but still rough and laced with sleep “Does this happen often?”
“All the time.” you breathed as his eyes jumped to meet yours “You’ve literally become her favorite pillow.” you giggled “Whenever she sleeps with us you end up like that, and you complain the rest of the day about back problems and sore neck.”
“And let me guess-” he smiled, looking back at her as he pushed a few strands out of the way “It’s because I always try to make her comfortable, isn’t it?”
“All the freaking time.” you grinned “Chuck help me if she wakes up. You’ll do everything to get her back comfortable and sleeping but then you end up looking like you came outta some geometry book in the weird angle you have.”
He couldn’t stop the deep chuckle that left his lips as his chest rumbled “I can imagine.” he grinned at you extending an arm so that you could scoot closer and rest your head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and gazed into your eyes.
“And it’s all worth it.” he breathed out, his smile falling for a moment as you gave him a small nod.
“Absolutely.” you breathed out, your fingers locking with his “And you know-” you smiled “I can’t say I blame her.” you whispered, looking up into his eyes once more at the same time he looked at you “Your chest is certainly the best pillow I could ever find too.”
He smiled just slightly , squeezing your hand before letting go and actually doing something that surprised you. He cupped your cheek and you almost felt your heart leap to your throat, but you did the same by cupping his own cheek. He didn’t have any smile on his lips anymore but you didn’t need any smile to prove to you that all – or at least most of his guards were already down. He was relaxed, comfortable and content as he actually enjoyed the moment. You leaned in and he did the same until your lips met in a soft kiss. Your eyes fluttered shut, just like his, as you both carefully moved closer to not wake up the kid and actually melted into the kiss. You pressed your lips harder to him, just to deepen the kiss and he did the same, the need for contact being too much to take. For both of you.
You heard a small sigh and you knew you had to pull away. You rested your forehead against his, your eyes remaining closed as you realized he needed to stay close to you for just a little longer. The thought made you smile so you opened your eyes only to see him stare down at you with that same longing and love you had first seen your husband that first morning you spent together as a married couple.
“Who’s staring now?” you whispered with a small smirk and he only grinned softly at you.
You heard a small whine and both your eyes jumped to your daughter who started shifting on Dean, making him grin as she tickled him and you giggled “Looks like someone’s awake.” you said softly as she yawned and her small fist came to rub her eyes.
Her eyes slowly opened as she smiled sleepily at you “Momma” she mumbled and you still felt your heart swell inside your chest.
“Hey, baby.” you leaned down and kissed the top of her head “Good morning.” you tickled her side and she giggled, rubbing her eyes with her small fists.
“Good morning mommy.” she said more cheerfully and awake “Good morning daddy!” she grinned up at him at Dean merely stared at her with glossy eyes.
“Good morning princess.” he choked out after some time of just holding his breath and you laughed slightly at how adorably awkward he could still be.
“Did we wake you up boo?” you asked in your baby voice, scooting backward so she could lay between you, cuddling on your side now.
“Lil bit.” she mumbled with a small pout that you found the most adorable thing on the world. You glanced at Dean with a grin and he chuckled, rubbing her small back.
“We’re sorry princess.” he pecked the top of her head and she yawned.
“’S ok.” she mumbled sleepily, cuddling with her blanket and you grinned.
“I know but you didn’t want to. So, how about daddy and mommy make it up to you?” you suggested with a smirk and her head perked up, in such a similar way Dean would, it made you laugh. But above all it made Dean laugh.
“How?” she asked with a grin and you giggled at how awake she really looked.
“Well, a walk on the park and ice cream after we’ve had breakfast should be nice hm?” you suggested with a smile and her green eyes sparkled “And-” you raised a finger “Thomas and Shep can come with us so you can play.”
“Yes, yes I want that! I want that!” she exclaimed and you and Dean laughed as she hugged you, or at least tried to wrap her small arms around your neck and with a chuckle you hugged her as well.
“Someone’s excited?” you kissed her cheek, tickling her tummy as she squirmed in your hands before glancing at Dean who seemed a little too caught in the moment.
“You ok?” you whispered and he cleared his throat.
“No uh just… walk on the park?” he frowned and you didn’t blame him.
He had no idea this was going to end soon, he couldn’t understand you only wanted him to enjoy this and to take as much as he could in, before it was all over. Because as much as you felt you could relate with your other self, as much as you could guess some of her moves, you still didn’t know what would happen in the end. What the future had in store for him and as long as it was up to you, and in this place it was, you were going to make sure he found his small heaven here and let go of everything to know what happiness was for once. To really know happiness.
“Yeah” you shrugged softly “Just a walk on the park, something simple. It’s Sunday, we should be relaxing right? And since you guys have no work it’s the perfect combination.”
“No, I just thought that we should-” he glanced down at JJ “Be looking for a way to deal with you know what, shouldn’t we?”
“What do you know mommy?” JJ looked up between the two of you with big green eyes.
“Just… some burnt cookies, princess that’s all. We want to find how to deal with that because nobody can eat burnt cookies, can we?”
She made a face that made you giggle “No!”
“And-” you looked up at Dean with a small sigh “Yes, we probably should. But no more than we should take some time to just ourselves. To forget everything. To enjoy, well, life… To spend time with our family.” you ended up whispered and you heard him take in a sharp breath.
“Our family.” he whispered, looking down at your daughter and then his eyes trailing to your belly.
“When was the last time you just went for a walk on the park? Not because you had a reason to, because there was someone waiting or needing help. Just… a simple walk, to enjoy the good day and warm sun?” you whispered with a frown and the only thing he did was clench his jaw and with a frown look down at JJ.
“That’s what I thought.” you breathed out, extending a hand to take hold of his “I am doing this for you, D. I promise you. Do you trust me?”
“With my life.” he confessed, finally showing his vulnerable side.
“Good, then just play along and don’t question it.” you whispered “Enjoy this for as long as you have it.” you told him and he gave you a weak, and slightly unsure and scared, nod. He had taken most of his walls down, yes, but he was still hesitant about some things and even more so scared.
“Hey, princess.” you put on a smile, looking down at your daughter “How about you and daddy go get ready while I prepare breakfast, go wake up your boys -” you grinned as you took a look at Dean’s perplexed but funny expression “-I’ll wake up uncle Jared and aunt Gen, we can eat and get to the park as fast as we can?”
“Yes mommy, oh but can we- can we have a picnic there too? Preety please?” she jumped, getting up so that she was looking down at you.
“Of course, baby.” you giggled “Now go, we don’t want to waste any time yeah?”
“Yes, yes!” she squealed, jumping from the bed and almost making your eyes widen in fear but thankfully she landed on some pillows that had fallen and was alright “Come on daddy!” she tugged at his arm with a giggle.
Dean smiled softly, glancing at you as you gave him a nod of approval while tucking your arms under your pillow and watched as he got up from bed holding her small hand in his as she rubbed her eyes sleepily. He stood on the doorway for a moment, looking at you as you smiled at him.
“I love you” you mouthed the words and could see his chest rise as he took in a deep breath, giving you a weak smile and nod. He wanted to say it back so bad but couldn’t at the moment.
JJ tugged at his hand and looking at her he smiled more, picked her up and with her giggles echoing they made their way to the bathroom for her to wash her teeth. You’d give everything to later watch him brush her hair but you had other things in mind so with a final sigh you got up as well.
“Boys!” Gen shouted for her sons to hear “Careful please!”
“Justice you too baby!” you did the same, worried mom voice coming out crystal clear and when you glanced at Dean to see a fond smile on his lips you just shrugged with a giggle.
“It’s a mom thing, don’t worry about not getting it.” you leaned to his side to whisper and he chuckled.
“No, I think I do.” he said softly, eyes focusing back on the little girl. You smiled, doing the same while taking hold of his hand. He stiffened just for a moment, looking at your hands, but after a second he only squeezed it and started playing with your fingers. A habit your husband Jensen had picked up over the years himself.
You had had breakfast almost in a rush since the kids were excited to spend the morning at the park. It was their favorite place and during days like this when it was warm enough, but not too much, and they could play around as much as they could, they wouldn’t miss the opportunity. And probably the kids wouldn’t notice it, you didn’t know how much Gen or Dean could see it, but breakfast was fairly awkward for you and Sam at least. Aside from what you knew, that this was going to end soon and they would be back, the words you had shared the previous night when everyone was asleep still felt to linger in the air and were affecting you both greatly.
And on top of that, something you were more sure about, he felt still guilty about enjoying this. He felt guilty he almost wished he could have this life with Gen, the kids and the perfect house. Gen told you they had spoken some the previous night, she found it a little weird, but Sam had actually asked her things about their shared life and mostly the kids. It really reminded you of when you first thought Dean was Jensen and he’d asked you to tell him about memories you had of your life as a couple, and as that you couldn’t blame Sam either. But he did with himself and that was the problem.
“I think this is a great place, right?” her voice caught your attention and, blinking, your eyes were on her.
“It’s great, the sun won’t hit us directly and we can keep an eye on the kids.” you nodded your head with a smile as Dean and Sam rushed to have everything set on the grass under the tree before you could even utter another word. Maybe Gen didn’t understand it much but you did so you just gave Dean a playful look.
“You know-” you said in soft voice, approaching him “I am pregnant, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do a job or two.”
“I know, it’s just-” he shrugged looking down for a moment “Isn’t that, like, what a husband’s supposed to do for his pregnant wife? Run in the middle of the night for crazy ass foods, rub your back comfortingly during morning sickness, pick up the heavy stuff, get the nursery ready while following all of your advice and-”
“Dean” you cut his small ramble off by placing a hand on his arm because your voice was too weak for that “Do you-” you felt tears well up in your eyes and it wasn’t just because of the hormones “Do you realize what you just said?” you whispered and realization seemed to dawn on him as his eyes widened slightly.
“I- I’m so- I didn’t-” his voice was rough as he looked away from you “It’s just a slip up, I’m sorry I didn’t want to make you feel-”
“No.” you breathed out fast enough to cut him off “No, D.” you shook your head “No, it’s fine. It’s absolutely fine, it- it was a nice slip up. A beautiful one, it’s nice to see you relax for once.” you brought your hand up and cupped his cheek and leaned up to kiss the other. For a moment you almost forgot that the person standing a few feet away was Sam with Gen, and not Jared. While your friend was used to the display of affection between you and Jensen for Sam it was a completely different topic.
And Dean seemed to notice as well because he glanced at him, and following his gaze, you indeed noticed Sam staring at the two of you with almost red eyes. His lips were parted and the moment he realized you looked at him he cleared his throat and looked at his, well, wife who was talking all the while but had not seen the look on Sam’s face. He gave her a smile and spoke to her in a soft voice, all the children’s laughter and voices, prevented you from hearing.
You cleared your throat and took a step back and away from him “Right” you whispered, eyes casted down for a second “Just, can you promise me something?” you whispered when you finally looked at him.
“What?” his voice was low and hoarse.
“Be happy. Let Dean Winchester be happy… and spend some time with your little girl. She loves you, that’s undeniable, whatever you feel like. Because to her you will always be her dad.” you gave him a somewhat encouraging smile and he tried to smile back on his own.
“I’ll try.” he breathed out and you know that was the closest to a promise you could get at the moment.
“All set up!” Gen said with a smile, catching your attention and you looked at her with a smile.
“And it’s all perfect!” you were mostly trying to sneak a glance at Sam but he seemed to be avoiding eye-contact with you. You wanted to say something, not that you knew entirely what, to make him look at you but you didn’t get the chance when your daughter’s voice was heard.
“Daddy, daddy!” she squealed as she ran towards Dean, wrapping her arms around his leg “Are you gonna come play with us?” she asked out of breath and you could see Dean was frozen for a second, because of course he could still not get used to it.
“I uh…” he trailed off, looking at you for help and you smiled softly with a nod. He was like a little kid himself now, almost unsure to take his first steps.
“Pretty please?” she asked with an adorable smile that you knew he could never resist, because Jensen and pretty much nobody else did.
“Yes, yes! Dad, are you gonna come play with us too?” Shep’s voice made you look at the two boys that ran towards their own father.
“I uh…” he too seemed nervous, but with a smile he nodded his head, more ready to accept the happiness. He was always more open to this, it felt as if he was more comfortable than Dean at least and you knew it was because Dean didn’t really consider himself worthy of this.
“Come on uncle Jared, please! Make daddy say yes too!” JJ’s pleading voice and eyes were on Sam and the moment he looked at her he seemed to be in awe for a moment. It warmed your heart when you saw the dimpled smile that appeared on Sam’s face and a soft chuckle left his lips.
“Sure thing princess.” he grinned at her “Come on Jensen, what ham can it do?” he breathed out, looking at Dean who held his gaze for a few seconds before nodding his head.
“I guess.” he breathed out, a small smile on his lips when he looked down at her and taking her small hand in his “I mean the world already knows we are a bunch of five-year-olds in bodies of adults.” he shrugged with a small chuckle and your smile got bigger at how relaxed he was.
“Oh trust me, a five-year-old has more maturity than both of you combined.” you said with a giggle and Gen chuckled nodding her head.
“Can’t say I don’t agree, but that’s why we love you.” she said, looking at her own husband; standing on her tiptoes to peck his cheek “Go, and have fun guys.”
“Yay!” the kids squealed and you felt like you could breath again when Dean and Sam actually smiled and followed their children to play just a few feet away.
“Sometimes I really think I have more than two kids in the house.” Gen said with a small laugh as you both sat down.
“Oh you tell me.” you laughed, eyes not leaving Dean “But I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Anything or anyone.” you whispered, because in your eyes it was still the man you loved and nothing could change that.
You watched with a fond smile as Dean and Sam played around with the kids, finally being able to laugh and enjoy themselves for once. In the small talk you had with Gen or all the time you were here in general you didn’t have a flash into the Supernatural universe nor heard or felt anything. It both made you relax and enjoy this very moment and at the same time be on edge because you didn’t know what was going on with them.
For a moment you couldn’t help but get carried away by seeing Sam interact with your daughter. He wasn’t as reserved as Dean was and JJ had no problem with it considering how much she loved uncle Jared. You had not seen how they interacted the first time they – at least from Sam’s side – met the previous day but watching how easy-going and happy he seemed around her was enough for you. You chuckled as he grinned, running after her and Thomas to catch them and his big body made it hard for him to sneak into the places the kids could.
“You’ve done… such a great job with her so far.” you recognized that voice and it wasn’t Gen or somebody else next to you, more like in your head sharing your mind. You smiled as you saw your daughter help a little kid that had fallen down get up.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t have done it without Jensen though.” you thought in your head “How- how is he by the way?”
“He’s… good.” it sounded as if her – your – voice was hoarse even in your mind displaying her emotions “He’s happy he is going to be back with his family.”
“And what about you?” it was in a faint whisper.
“I think you’re the only person besides me to know firsthand how I really feel about this.” she said with a bitter laugh.
“I do, I just… believe it would be nice to say it, will help you relieve some of the stress.” you sighed.
“It could but for now I just want to enjoy the moment. Watch my daughter run around and play. Happy and safe.” she breathed out in a sad voice tone.
You wanted to speak about that but refused to “They’re gonna be back soon you know. You’re gonna have them back soon, face them and hold them Talk to them… both of them.”
“Yeah I do. And all of this will be over… or not.” she laughed humorlessly “I don’t even know how to fucking think anymore.”
“Maybe… you shouldn’t. Maybe it’s time to not think but… feel.” you suggested reluctantly, sympathising with her more than you thought was possible. You didn’t share only the same thought but feelings after all.
“Easier said than done.” she said but her voice held no bitterness or anger in it, just exhaustion “It’s so much more simple for you to speak, (Y/n), because either way you are in love with only one man. Jensen. Dean. Whatever name he comes by he’s still the same for you and you are willing to do everything for him because you love only him.”
“…And you don’t?” you asked reluctantly.
“Wh-what?” her voice in your head was barely audible.
“It’s simple.” you sighed “Are you not in love with only one man (Y/n)?”
“I- I… don’t know.”
“If you are in love with only one person or… if the one person you love is who I think it is?” you asked gently “I am not going to judge you, I am just asking and maybe you don’t have answer it to me. Only answer it to yourself.”
“Isn’t it the same?” her voice was even more hoarse and you could feel she was about to cry.
“Probably. (Y/n)-” you paused “Are you in love with him… too or not?”
“He’s… He’s great with them. With her.” a voice said next to you and, blinking, you looked next to you to notice Dean sitting, watching his brother with a bittersweet smile on “He’s perfect for this. Practically made for this life.”
You sighed, shaking your head as if to shake your conversation with your other self off “And you are not?”
He just laughed bitterly, shrugging before looking down at his hands “Dunno. All I’ve known my entire life is how to put a gun together and gank said monster. But he-” he paused for a moment, biting his lip “He’s great at this, (Y/n). He’s- Better at this even with my own daught-” he stopped himself, pursing his lips.
“Your daughter.” you pointed out for him “Say it, Dean, she is your daughter you don’t have to stop yourself. Justice is just as much yours, I’ve told you before and as for Sam-” you sighed as you looked at them “Yeah probably he is great with her, and the boys too. It means that he will be a wonderful father one day. But it’s not because he’s ‘made’ for this as you say, no, I don’t believe that. I bellieve it’s because he understands more that he deserves it than you do. He sees that it is possible to be this happy, to have a family and a normal life. That’s what’s holding you back, D. You don’t see how much you are truly-” you looked at him, cupping his cheek “Truly worth it.”
He laughed, biting his lower lip “I’m not-”
“Shut up.” you cut him off angrily “Don’t you dare say that. Damn it Dean, you- you gave me a promise. Please just try to live up to it.”
“I- I will, I swear, it’s just I can’t keep thinking about it (Y/n).” he sighed, running a hand down his face.
“Thinking about what?”
“It’s-” he shook his head, looking around for a moment “Where’s Gen?” he asked in a rough voice.
“She found a friend and wanted to talk about something, she’ll be back in a little while. Now don’t change the fucking subject. What have you been thinking about?”
“I-” he looked at his hands for a moment “Why me? I- I mean, look at him, he could be so great at this thing. This whole thing, he could be a great husband and father and he-”
“Is not the one I love.” you breathed out “Dean, I can’t believe you’re saying this after all that you’ve gone through in your time here. You are the man that I love because deep down you are still Jensen, and he is you. I know and see it now that I realize what is really out there.” you sighed, moving closer to him and taking his hands in yours “Please don’t- don’t say this. You have no idea how it really is.”
“How else could it be, (Y/n)?” he breathed out, his eyes moving to his brother and the kids “She’s smiling so widely, laughing and enjoying her life more than- more than I have seen her around me. Look how close she is with Sam and how easy it is for him to respond, how much he is enjoying spending time with the kids, how happy he makes her and how there is no trace of frown on her face. Look how he-” he started rambling and it hurt you beyond belief to hear him say such words, because you knew she was the last ray of sun with you in this darkness and he felt like he was losing that too.
So since your words didn’t seem to have an impact anymore on him you did the second thing that you knew could be enough to make him realize how you felt for him. You grabbed his face and crashed your lips to his. He gasped softly, he was almost frozen in his place but he both wanted and needed to respond so he actually kissed you back, cupping your face. He deepened the kiss by pressing his lips harder to yours and you kiss him with just as much love, your nose pressing to his as you tried to convey all of your feelings into it.
You pulled back when the need for air was too much but you rested your forehead on his “Sam makes her laugh and smile and everything, yes, but it can never-” you took hold of his one hand and squeezed “Nevercompare to the way you make her feel, Dean. You probably didn’t notice it but with a simple hug or a small kiss on her cheek you had her smiling so widely and her green eyes sparkling so much more than Sam can even try to achieve. It’s unparalleled, Dean, you have to see it for yourself. Yes, she is happy and smiling but not in the same way or as much as with you.” you leaned in and kissed his lips once more, a shaky sigh leaving his lips
“I- I couldn’t even-” he licked his lips, closing his eyes as his forehead rested against yours “I was scared to pick her up to begin with, (Y/n).”
“So?” you responded with a faint laugh “Dean-” you soft voice made him look at you “Jensen was scared to pick her up when he first saw her too. Doesn’t matter that she’s grown up now, she is still your baby girl. Realizing your own daughter is in front of you, a living person you helped create, is too much to take.”
“Ye-yeah” he sighed, clearing his throat and pulling slightly away “I guess-” a small smile formed on his lips “I mean I- he, Jensen, was more scared than me when I first saw her. I think if it wasn’t for your words he wouldn’t even remember to breath.”
“Wh-what?” you blinked.
“I uh-” he licked his lips “I had a… flash, vision I don’t know how to call it. One or two actually. Of Jensen’s memories. I uh at first thought it was a dream but you know, I actually felt it. I felt all of it, all of his feelings. I think at least, you know, the ones he had at those moments. It was so real, so it couldn’t just be a dream, could it?”
“I don’t think so, no.” you whispered, leaning on his side. You bit your lip in deep thought. Could all this body swapping be tampering with their memories too? It wasn’t impossible, you already were interacting with your other self, so it could not be hard to believe that Jensen and Dean were melting into one at this point.
“What did you see?” you asked after a small pause and a smile formed on his lips.
“Our first kiss.” he breathed out “It was after a date at a uh was it- was it in a burger joint?”
“Yeah” you breathed out with a giggle and he chuckled.
“Great, so I did make a fool of myself with the ketchup. So smooth.” he nodded his head with a laugh “Couldn’t you have suggested something else?” he scoffed and you laughed more when you saw the grin on his lips.
“Hey, I was hungry! Besides, with all that shaking and stuttering it would have been impossible to avoid it anyway.” you rested your head on his shoulder and he chuckled.
“Yeah I suppose, but- but I did save it pretty damn well, didn’t I?” he whispered and you hummed in agreement.
“Very much so. Walk on the beach and the sunset was so perfect it just made me feel as if I was dreaming.”
“But it was true. I finally manned up to tell you how important you were to me and made that move. I think- I think my knees almost gave away when you started responding.” he paused for a moment “But I held my ground because I didn’t need to embarrass myself even more in front of you.”
“And then I made things easier by confessing I had been nervous about it as well.” you breathed out and he nodded his head softly, looking back down at you as he tucked a few strands out of your face.
“Yes you did. And then it all turned into some crappy rom com like the ones you like watching and I pretend to hate but secretly love.” he chuckled and you laced your fingers with his “God I don’t think I have ever seen a more beautiful sight in my life than you running on the shore and almost soaking from the waves. Your smile was…”
“I’m sure you must have.” you scoffed softly, trying to brush it off.
“Probably, but the only thing I can think of still revolves around you.” he breathed out, laughing at himself “I sound like some fucking lovesick fool, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t. Please.” you squeezed his hand.
“And then-” he took a deep breath “As I stood there, staring at you, you just realized I had stopped so you did the same. You turned around and looked at me with that beautiful smile. You approached me but didn’t say a thing, didn’t even comment on my behavior, you only held my face and kissed me a second time. And a third. And a fourth and-” he let out a shaky sigh as you closed your eyes, your own heart hammering in your chest as all of the memories started rushing back “God, kid what are you doing me?”
Your eyes locked with his for a split second as you slid your hand up to cup his cheek and slowly brought his head down to kiss his lips tenderly. It didn’t last long and when you pulled away you buried your face for some time in the crook of his neck.
Your head was swimming with memories, some even more recent ones, mixing with all of your emotions as tear formed in your eyes. The way he said each and every word, the emotion in his voice, even in the small pauses he took it all felt to pierce straight through you and before you could even comprehend what you were saying the words left your lips.
“She kissed him.”
Chapter 13: Chapter 12
“She kissed him.”
“Who?” he blinked, pulling away to look at you “What are you talking about?”
“I-” you pursed your lips, blinking when the sentence kept being repeated in your mind. You could still take it back, you could change the subject or shake it off but-
“(Y/n)” you said in a soft voice and the frown on his face made you realize he had not heard a thing, so you cleared your throat and took a deep breath “(Y/n). (Y/n) kissed Jensen, my husband Jensen. Who… is in your place in the Supernatural universe in- in your body.” you couldn’t help the small stuttering but you kept your voice firm so that he could listen to every word. He needed to know before he made any decision.
“Wh-what?” his voice was significantly more rough “How do you know that?” his eyes were slightly wide, and you could almost see he was holding his breath.
“I’ve been having these visions, dreams into your universe, Dean. Moments your (Y/n) lives and shares with Jared and Jensen, and I know she’s been experiencing the same thing. I struggled to understand it too and I- I don’t know how to feel. I mean it is still Jensen, my husband, and I-” you laughed humorlessly “Am I jealous? I- I think I am. Gosh, I am jealous of my own self. Wow this is messed up. But-” you cleared your throat.
“But- but that doesn’t matter now.” you shook your head, eyes casting down at your linked fingers as a deep frown set on your face “I just feel like you need to know this, I- I didn’t want you to keep… hurting at remembering moments Jensen and I shared and to think that it would never be possible for you and her to-”
“What?” he asked almost in a growl and you knew it was because he wanted to be defensive “Live those moments? To have children and a freaking perfect house? To be happy together at the expense of my own brother?” he scoffed, letting go of your hands, and running a hand down his face. He didn’t want to believe it to prevent his hopes from rising, typical.
“No” you choked out “For you and her to experience this love, this love-” you cupped his face and made him look at you “We have.”
“(Y/n), we- we can’t. We-”
“She kissed him, Dean. Did you even try to comprehend that?” you growled slightly, trying to get it through “She kissed him of her own will and no it wasn’t because she misses Sam, in case you’re wondering that.” you let a soft sigh and looked at him with a tender smile “She kissed him because she misses you.”
“Why? Really why?” he asked in a hoarse voice, locking eyes with yours. You saw the doubt but still great need to believe you in them.
“I- I think deep down it’s because Jensen made her… me, realize things I had not seen until now. But, you know, always felt. They were always there. Like-” you paused, taking a hold of his hand again and he gladly let you “Like the ones you have, only difference with me is that they were overshadowed by everything I feel for Sam.”
“Did you… she see our daughter?” he asked reluctantly as well, swallowing the lump in his throat.
“Yes, yes she did.” you nodded your head softly “And she totally fell in love with her. I mean how could she not? Seeing what we’ve helped create is-” you shook your head with a laugh “Our daughter is so beautiful it would be impossible not to. And I think that in some way JJ helped in her realizing a few things.” you whispered and he didn’t say a word, only nodding his head. You could practically see the gear spinning in his head, trying to think of a reason believable enough to justify your, well her, actions. Anything to just make him believe that it wasn’t because you felt even the slightest thing about him.
Anything to keep him, and even more Sam and you, from hurting any more.
He was trying to convince himself to not believe you, of course. But you weren’t going to let him have this, he had been hurting enough for all this time and with the way things had evolved your other self was already hurting now, Sam was too no matter how well he tried to hide it. Pain was not something they could avoid anymore so it was better to sort things out once and for all.
“She was thinking about it.” you whispered and for a moment he paused and turned to look at you as you took in a deep breath “She got carried away by her emotions, thinking all the time about you, and without realizing it she kissed Jensen. He is, after all, in your body.”
“What?” his eyes widened when he heard you crystal clear and you gave him a soft smile.
“Yes, D. Not Sam, not anybody else. Just you, and her emotions for you.” you cupped his cheek “So please, just try to give this a chance. Give your feelings a chance and give her a chance.”
“I- I can’t do this, (Y/n).” he shook his head, letting out a shaky sigh “I can’t do this to Sam. I can’t do this to her… to you.” he shut his eyes tightly and you could practically hear his heart break.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Dean, I just- All I am asking of you is to think this through. Give it time, as much as you need, but don’t shut it off immediately. Please?” you squeezed his hand and he took in a trembling breath, eyes cast upwards for a moment as he was fighting the tears.
“How can you do this?” he whispered in a raspy voice and you frowned.
“Love me. Love me this fucking much.” he choked out, a deep frown setting on his own features as he looked at you and all you did was give him a small shrug and smile.
“Ask my heart.” you whispered, leaning in to press your lips to his once more and probably for the first time since you found out the truth you didn’t feel him fight it in the least bit. He had given up on that and you hoped it was because of the things you had told him.
He’d need time, you knew it, you all would but so long as you came to the right decision then everything would be alright. These walls he had built around him that concerned you and Sam had starting falling slightly, a small piece at a time, for good now. And that was enough for the moment.
You didn’t say anything after that, preferring the silence – or what you could at least call that with all those kids screaming around you. You knew he was thinking about it, you knew that he did believe you now there was no doubt, but he was trying to think about everything else that had happened too. And you just let him do so for some time, fingers laced as he rubbed his thumb over your hand and your head rested on his shoulder. Watching as your daughter ran around and played with the boys and Sam.
Sam. You knew Dean’s eyes were mostly glued on him as he thought. But once more you let him be. You knew he just wanted to feel your presence for once without any words necessarily being exchanged.
But they had to when Sam came to you, quite breathless but still with a smile on his face “They either have had too much sugar or I am getting too old to keep up with them.” he said, surprisingly enough, to you and you smiled back when he seemed to have loosened up enough and forgotten about everything after spending time with the kids. That’s why you insisted Dean do the same but truth was he had a lot more in mind.
“Uh JJ asked for her bottle, she got thirsty.” he said as you already started searching for it in the picnic basket.
“As expected.” you chuckled “And you’re not too old, it’s just that whenever we bring them at the park they won’t stop to catch even a single breath.” you laughed and he grinned that adorable dimpled smile.
“I’m guessing they won’t even care to think about eating, right?”
“Oh boy we have to drag them here, and let’s not talk about having to leave.” you shook your head and he laughed, taking the bottle. Glancing at Dean and his smile falling for a moment.
“Are you ok?” he asked with a small frown and Dean chewed the inside of his lips, giving him a short nod.
“Yeah” he said in a rough voice, eyes following his daughter.
“Don’t.” you whispered, placing a hand on Sam’s arm before you could realize it “It’s better if you don’t ask.” you squeezed his arm and he sighed, nodding his head with pursed lips.
“I suppose… there is still lots of talking left to be made.” he said in a low voice, eyes cast down and you bit your lower lip.
“Later, Sam, okay? You just- go have fun with your boys, they adore their father so make sure they have the time of their lives.” you squeezed his hand and made him lock eyes with yours “Please?” you whispered and he gave you a gentle and… gosh, so loving smile. He was looking at you with that tender and caring gaze, the love radiating from him as he practically saw you as if you were the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen.
And in this white dress, hair down, without a trace of makeup but the soft lip gloss to grace your lips and making them look softer and more kissable, with sparkling (y/e/c) eyes you were the epitome of beautiful. For both of them.
“Sure thing.” he nodded his head with a smile “Besides-” he let a soft chuckle “Two. Boys. Restless all the time and curious about everything and everyone. And JJ- ready to jump in in case Thomas scrapes his knee, or Shep hurts his elbow. The resemblance is striking. Feels like we’re raising the new generation of hunters here. True Winchesters at heart.” he said and you laughed, nodding your head. Your eyes for a moment falling on Dean who had a small proud smile on his lips, his eyes almost sparkling with happiness.
“Finally realizing how it has been all this time for you old man, huh boys?” a rough and deep voice caught all of yours attention and you were sure it wasn’t Gen because she was still talking with her friend. You recognized it, of course, and probably the boys did a lot more than you.
Dean scrambled to get on his feet, almost stumbling and falling down. Sam turned as fast as it was humanly possible to the source of the voice. And if there was something similar in the way they reacted it was how their backs straightened, like the perfect little soldiers, and their chests puffed out; both of them taking in a deep breath and only a few seconds later managing to look with wide eyes at the person standing in front of them.
“Hey” you breathed out, a smile on your lips and before you could stop yourself you jumped straight in his arms.
“How is my favorite girl doing?” he asked with a deep heart-warming chuckle as he kissed your temple.
“Great, motherhood is still something I am trying to find my way around but good nonetheless.” you giggled as he kissed your cheek once more and his beard tickled you.
“I am sure, with two kids in the house it’s always a lot to have. I hope JJ is giving you a hand with my sonthough?” he said playfully referring to Jensen and you laughed, nodding your head.
“She’s doing the best she can.”
“And speaking of which-” he turned to the two men that were standing there with wide eyes, almost as if they’d seen a ghost. Well, for them it actually was a lot like that. Your smile almost fell when you looked at them to see they looked a little terrified, very awkward and a lot more creeped out and worried. They didn’t understand what was going on, or at least their brains refused to associate the image of Jeffrey standing in front of them with that of the actor they had never even met and not their dead father’s.
“You two, ease up. John Winchester ain’t here and I certainly am not one to be called sir in case you are thinking of that.” Jeffrey chuckled warmly as he hugged one after the other, but that didn’t necessarily mean that the two men returned the hug. If anything they both stood awkwardly in their place, barely lifting their hands to pat him on the back but luckily Jeffrey didn’t notice. Or if he did he was kind enough to not mention it.
You cleared your throat and gave them a look, hoping Jeffrey wouldn’t see before putting on a smile and speaking “So what brings the great Jeffrey Dean Morgan here at this time?” you said clear enough for them to hear and hopefully understand it wasn’t John “Hope there is no rogue zombie around?” you asked with a smirk and he chuckled, throwing an arm around your shoulders.
“No, I ain’t gonna be using Lucille today for any zombie or even a vamp.” he winked “I thought it was a great day and wanted to go for a walk before going to work of rehearsing my lines and all, helps me relax ”
“Hmh so it wasn’t all about seeing your favorite girl then.” you said with a smirk and he chuckled.
“Well-” before he had the chance to say more someone else cut him off.
“Papa!” your daughter’s voice made you all turn to look at her running towards Jeffrey who by now had a wide smile on his face.
“And there is my princess!” he knelt to pick her up and spin her in the air as she giggled at him.
“How are you Papa?” she asked with a big smiled, wrapping her small arms around his neck as he held her.
“I am doing great kiddo, how ‘bout you?” he asked, kissing her cheek and making her squeak.
“Papa?” Dean whispered to you with a frown and you shook your head.
“He’s not my father, if that’s what you’re thinking.” you smiled “She just first heard me call him Papa Winchester and it stuck. “ you shrugged.
“Right. Right.” he cleared his throat, nodding his head. You noticed his behavior so you decided to take his hand in yours and squeeze it.
“Jeffrey, hey!” Gen said with a side smile, finally joining you again “I didn’t expect to find you here.”
“Uh yeah, beautiful day so I couldn’t let it go by.” he shrugged and gave her a small hug before she went by Sam’s side “Also, I almost forgot, where are your little troublemakers at?”
“Oh they should be-” she stopped as feet were heard and you both turned around to see the two boys running towards the man. It was true the kids had a soft spot for him and you didn’t blame them because he was an amazing man.
“There you are!” he grinned as they hugged him and he did the same “You are giving your old man a hard time I hear huh?”
“Yes we are!” Thomas exclaimed and you doubted he really understood it.
“Serves him right.” he chuckled, glancing at Sam with a grin that you realize probably felt weird to see directed to him by this man, or at least one that had once played his father “Do your best boys, only I know how much worse your dad has been for me.” he said with a chuckle and Gen laughed.
“Oh Jeffrey come on, they only started the Apocalypse nothing wrong with that. They sure ended it too!”
“Good, or else I’m sure John Winchester would get up from his grave and kick them hard for it.” he said with a full grin and laugh.
“Oh I bet, and if we ended up having a real apocalypse those two would need a few tips on how to fight zombies.” Gen said with a giggle.
“Absolutely!” he chuckled “(Y/n) and I would be great at guiding them! I mean it was just a few episodes but she’s a natural.” he winked and you grinned at him.
“Oh I’d always love to join you again anytime, Jeff.” you breathed out with a nod of your head.
“Must be… pretty cool to do that, right?” Sam said a little reluctantly, still being careful on how he acted around him.
“Oh it definitely is, especially when you have baseball bat large enough to get the job done.” he said and the three of them slowly engaged into a conversation. Well, Gen did speak more than Sam but he did try to say a word or two. You glanced to your side to see Dean had a clenched jaw, his back still straight and you let a small sigh.
“He is family.” you whispered to Dean, taking hold of his hand “Maybe there is no blood relation but he still is family.” he looked at you before nodding his head.
“Yeah, I know that feeling.” he breathed out, squeezing your hand.
You knew it was hard for Sam and Dean to be comfortable or even relaxed around Jeffrey because part of their brain told them that it was still their father. He looked like him, he had portrayed him before, it was hard for them to tell them apart even if it was so obvious. Jeffrey almost reminded Dean of the man his father was before everything happened, if not even more open and easy going. He had a bright smile and a warm heart, he was a great man, caring and loving even more so than their own father though, so that seemed to ring a bell for them.
“The perfect family.” Dean breathed out, only a minute later after Jeffrey had left because he couldn’t stay any longer.
“What?” you tilted your head to the side and he laughed almost bitterly.
“Did you see him, (Y/n)? He was so good around Sam’s and my kids and they loved him. All that was missing is mom and-” he stopped himself, frowning “Can you imagine how she would react if she met him? I- I don’t mean John but Jeffrey. She wouldn’t be able to tell them apart even if she tried.”
“I don’t think she would want to either.” you shrugged “It’s a Winchester thing, it’s been tested.” you said and you were pleasantly surprised to hear a chuckle leave his lips.
“You’ve seen it for yourself, yeah.” he breathed out and you smiled innocently, just shrugging “You-” he chuckled some more “You realize how messed up we are that things like this don’t sound weird anymore?”
“Probably but I’d like to believe everything happens for a reason.” you whispered, leaning in to peck his cheek.
“Daddy!” your daughter squealed “Come on, we’re gonna go to the swings! Come play with us!” she giggled as she took hold of Dean’s hand and tried to pull him towards her direction.
“Sweetheart.” he started but couldn’t find it in himself to complete in his protest, be it his chuckle or the perfect puppy eyes she was giving him, he knew that in the end just like before he was going to give in.
“Come on, D.” Sam’s chuckle surprised you and even more Dean “Unless you’re scared they’re gonna realize how much of an old man you are and that you can’t keep up with them.” he said with a smirk and a smile formed on Dean’s lips as he scoffed at his brother’s teasing.
“Yeah, right. See how well you will do, you are not much younger, lil bro.” he replied with a smirk and Gen didn’t even seem to blink at the words Dean said. Of course she didn’t, she had no reason to.
“Yeah we’ll see that.” he patted Dean on the shoulder before picking up Shep and walking with the kids, Dean soon following with a chuckle and shake of his head.
“Oh we will.” he muttered and you smiled to yourself at seeing how much his mood seemed to change at how his brother seemed to show an interest in patching things up. And if not now per say that in the very end he’d want that.
“Kids” Gen chuckled and you smiled, sitting down once more next to her.
“Oh you tell me.” you breathed out, eyes not leaving Dean as he fooled around with the kids. He seemed awkward, and a little nervous but willing to let go nonetheless.
Of course you had to keep yourself from laughing hysterically at the two grown men when a couple of fans, you assumed from how they acted around Sam and Dean, approached them and started talking to them. Dean had that disgusted expression mixed with one of disbelief on his face and Sam looked like he was freaked out beyond belief. Who knew what they were saying to them and truth was you really wanted to know.
You giggled when they seemingly tried to answer to a question but the way they spoke showed how nervous and out of their element they were. They were making funny faces as they spoke and when the fans asked them for a photo the smiles they had on seemed so tight an awkward, almost as if pleading to be pulled away from this moment and place. They talked some more, Sam and Dean trying to act like their counterparts, laughing and trying to joke but in all honesty failing miserably. When the fans finally bid them goodbye the relief was evident on their faces and you did laugh with Dean’s wide eyes and the way he turned to Sam and shook his head, saying something overdramatically as always.
“Just- just one simple question-” Dean spoke before fully even approaching you, some time later.
“What?” you giggled.
“Is the whole entire…. fan- fandom in love with the freaking devil?” he asked almost in a growl, his face still laced with disgust.
“I see your talk with the fans has been pretty… constructive.” you fought so hard to keep your smile back “But to answer your question, yeah I think. Right Gen?” you asked, looking at your friend who nodded her head.
“Oh absolutely!” she nodded her head, she too fighting her own smile.
“Mark has done an amazing job in portraying him, don’t you think honey? Everybody loves his cute smile and I think his sense of humour added to the character makes everything better! We wouldn’t be such good friends after all if it wasn’t for how amazing he is.” you shrugged as if it was nothing and he only looked at you in disbelief.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” he shook his head “Are you serious now? What’s wrong with everybody here.” he shuddered unpleasantly.
“Wait until you see the fanart.” you said with a grin as Sam came to join you, sitting by Gen’s side.
“Fan- what now?” Sam asked and you exchanged a look with Gen.
“Oh you wouldn’t like to see it, no.” you shook your head, trying to put on a serious expression “But in case you ever wonder I am sure Misha would like to go on forever about all of the ships in the show.”
“Ships?” Sam raised an eyebrow.
“There have been a few cases in the sea and concerning-” Dean started but you cut him off with a chuckle.
“Oh no, no it’s actually short for relationship. You know, favorite couples and what not. Doesn’t matter if they are real or not, oh for the fans none of that matters and we love that!” you said, leaning back in your elbows.
“We?” he blinked at you and you giggled.
“What? Do you think I have ever been any less of a fan because I got to work in the show? Oh no, honey!” you shook your head with a laugh.
“Then what do you ship?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow and you chuckled.
“Oh there are too many ships to just choose one, sorry.” you chuckled, opening your arms as your little girl ran towards you and sat on your lap a little breathless.
“I ship mommy and daddy!” she exclaimed, having heard you and you grinned, kissing her cheek.
“That’s my girl!” you said with a proud smile and she grinned.
“She’s turning into a mini you, (Y/n), with Jensen’s looks too. Oh this is going to be interesting.” Gen said with a chuckle, giving her own sons their bottles to drink some water.
“Very” Dean whispered and you looked to the left to see him gazing at you with a soft smile, slowly bring a hand up to tuck a few strands out of your face. In the end he just cleared his throat, feeling a little bashful before focusing back on your daughter.
“Come to dad princess.” he said with a smile and while holding her pink bottle in her hand she crawled from your lap to his, a smile instantly forming on your lips.
“You’re doing amazing.” you whispered almost in awe as he pushed her hair behind her shoulders and she rested her head on his chest, drinking her water in content as he held her in his firm arms. Almost reminding you of when she was a little baby and he’d hold her for hours to no end.
“Well, she is daddy’s little lovebug, isn’t she?” he asked with a small smile, raising an eyebrow at you and you nodded your head.
“That she is.” you breathed out “You love daddy, don’t you princess?” you asked her gently and she nodded her head.
“Yes, I love daddy Dean.” she breathed out before drinking more and snuggling on his side again, although now you both were frozen in your place by her words. Dean’s eyes were wide, almost glossy as tears welled up and you grinned before leaning to kiss her forehead and not pulling away until you’d made sure you had pecked his lips as well. You were pleased he didn’t gasp, only let out a content sigh his eyes watching you closely and with such love it made your heart swell inside your chest.
“Alright you two-” Gen spoke up with smirk “How about we eat something now huh?”
“Of course.” you breathed out, not even bothering to remove JJ from Dean’s arms because she was too comfortable. They both were.
Your eyes fell on Sam, locking only for a second before his back straightened and he turned to look away at his son. He put a smile on his lips for his son’s sake but you saw it was forced and almost awkward. He had been looking at you, you realized it in the end, at the way you interacted with Dean and probably even more the way he interacted with JJ. You noticed there was a hint of sadness on his face even if he supposedly chuckled at his son and for a moment you caught yourself thinking what he could be really feeling or running through his mind at that moment.
Could he be really hurting from seeing the three of you act like a family or was it all more about your daughter and Dean? Either way you could see it was affecting him and his eyes had lost even that small sparkle they had in them before when around the kids.
“How do you do it?” Dean said a little in frustration, although a subtle smile was on his lips.
You blinked, almost jumping in surprise when you heard his voice. You hastily wiped away a tear that had rolled your cheek and placed the photo back on the shelf before turning to him “D-Do what?”
“Try to… convince her to go to sleep.” he ended up mumbled, his frown getting deeper as he studied you “I uh I told her she had to get to bed and after lots of denying she said she’s gonna brush her teeth and wait for me to read a bedtime story to her. All in all, tomorrow we’ll have to have a tea party, but at least she is easier to negotiate with than Sammy when he was her age.” he sighed and a barely visible smile formed on your lips for a second before it fell.
“Yeah I suppose.” you could only mutter and he seemed to catch up on it immediately.
“Are you alright?” he whispered to you, standing a few feet away and this time you didn’t try to feign a smile.
“Am I?” you asked back, shrugging numbly “I don’t- I don’t know.” you sighed, shaking your head as you looked down “Is it- is it strange how some things are always there, right in front of our eyes, but we never really see them and feel something again until it’s too late?”
He didn’t asked what you meant, not when he could partially already understand as he took a look at the framed photo of your daughter, still a baby, and your husband together. Even if he didn’t want to he felt his heart drop because as much as he didn’t want to think about it he wasn’t Jensen.
“You miss him.” he finally whispered and you slowly looked up at him.
“I- I don’t want to, I swear I don’t, but at the same time I- I can’t help it.” you let out a shaky sigh, glossy eyes meeting his green ones.
“You’ve been trying to stay strong all this time and now… you’ve just reached your breaking point, it’s completely fine.” he said in a low and rough voice, his jaw clenching.
You chewed on your lip, thinking the flash into the Supernatural universe was really what had made you cave in “I’ve tried convincing myself that everything is going to be alright-” you tried to swallow the lump in your throat at the fear that crept inside you at the possibility of something actually happening to Jensen. You were talking about real monsters here and the father of your children was going to have to face them, how could you keep staying calm?
“I’ve really really tried to. And you-” you frowned “You are so much like him, you don’t even know it, and- and my heart it just can’t tell the difference. The moment I see you it’s- it’s all him that I see, and it’s all about him that I feel and I am calm for a moment but now- thinking about it-” you close your eyes, rubbing your temple.
“Thinking about what?” he asked in a rough voice and you pursed your lips in a thin line for a moment.
“My husband-” you took in a deep breath, glancing at the photo almost in a way that showed you couldn’t face him at the moment “Is about to face a kind of danger impossible to even comprehend and I- I might have tried to ignore this feeling, to think that he is safe and sound in the bunker and this will all get worked out in the end, but I can’t shake off the image of him ready to head off and- and fight that thing. And above all I can’t shake off this fear inside me that- that is so real, Dean, and I’m- I’m so scared. I’m scared beyond belief, more than I have ever been in my life before.” you confessed and Dean himself only looked down, not knowing what to say or feel.
He had tried to believe this lie because he needed to, he had lied to himself over and over again, and the fact that in your confused state you couldn’t tell him and Jensen apart – because you need to to stay sane – he had gotten carried away. But he wasn’t Jensen and he just couldn’t take his place, he saw it even if you would try to make him feel better by saying that in another case it could happen.
“It’s going to be ok, sweetheart.” he said in a low and rough voice “He has it in him, to be able to be me for all these years he must have.” he tried to make you feel better with a soft smile and shrug, but despite how you were almost shaking with fear you gave him a weak smile in response.
“Gosh I wish it so bad.” you choked out before crashing in his arms and he hugged you as tightly as he could to him. You buried your face in his chest and he in the crook of your neck, your hands fisting his shirt tightly as you fought back the tears. It all was fresh, bidding him goodbye in your other self’s body, made all the fear settle in and you couldn’t fight it.
“Watching him walk out of that door-” you continued pulling slightly away with your eyes cast down “And then get in the Impala and drive away about to fight the witch was so real that it- it made me-”
“He’s about to do what?” he breathed out, his brows furrowing and pushing you slightly away. You had not told him anything yet just because you didn’t want him to think about the time he had left and simply let himself relax but at this very moment the thought of your husband was too much to just push to the back of your head and think of Dean as him. It wasn’t him, and the worst of all you didn’t know if he would be alright in the end like Dean now.
“He’s about to do what (Y/n)?” his entire body was stiff, and it looked as if the feeling of betrayal flashed right through his eyes as he took a step back and away from you.
“Dean” you whispered, a hand over your mouth as he clenched his jaw and fists. He opened his mouth to speak but he didn’t get the chance to when the doorbell rang. He looked at the door and then back at you before letting a sigh through his nose.
“I’ll go get JJ to sleep.” he said in a rough voice.
“Dean, please-” you took hold of his arm before he could fully leave.
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t realize a thing.” he said with a small sigh “She’s been asking me why… you called me D, instead of the usual J or Jens. But didn’t want you to know.” his jaw twitched for a moment “I’ll tell her it is just about… rehearsing, for the show.”
“D” you sighed, letting go of his hand “Just tell her it’s a game, she’ll believe that more easily.”
“Alright-” he paused when there was also a knock on the door before letting out a heavy sigh “Just go answer that, we… have time.”
“Later?” you whispered.
“Later.” he said with a sharp nod, a small sigh in the end leaving his lips before he leaned in and kissed your temple, indicating the talk wasn’t over, and turning around to make his way upstairs to the little girl.
“Damn it” you said through gritted teeth, frustrated with yourself over how you couldn’t do one damn thing right and at least let him know that there wasn’t going to be much of that “later” left for you, before making your way to the door. You opened it a little too harshly but once you saw who was standing in front of you your eyes widened.
“Sam” you frowned. You shouldn’t be that surprised but again he was supposed to be with his, well, wife at their house trying not to raise any further suspicions.
“What- what are you doing here?” you asked but moved to the side to let him in “You- Shouldn’t you be with Gen?”
“I-” he paused in thought, his jaw clenching “I couldn’t do it.” he finally breathed out, shaking his head.
“Couldn’t do what?” you whispered but he didn’t really seem to be listening to you as he looked around.
“Where’s Dean?” he asked in a low and rough voice, ignoring our question.
“He’s- Upstairs.” you looked down for a second, rubbing your arm nervously “He’s reading a story to JJ, putting her to sleep.” you said in a low voice, mostly hoping he wouldn’t hear it. But he did.
“Right.” he nodded his head bitterly “He’s a great father, isn’t he?”
“He’s a great father, isn’t he?” he repeated before you could say more and you sighed, eyes casting down once more.
“Yeah. He is.” you whispered in a hoarse voice “Sam, you- you shouldn’t be here. Why are you not at your home? I- I told you should-”
“Relax, yes, enjoy it maybe too. But I- I can’t do it, and seeing you-” he bit his lip for a second, glistening eyes taking in every inch of you and the state you were in “Things are not going as well as they were a couple hours ago.”
“I’m just thinking about my husband. But it doesn’t matter now.” you wrapped your arms around yourself “What- what do you mean you couldn’t do it Sam?”
He shook his head, almost as if telling you he didn’t believe you, before running his fingers through his hair “Don’t you know already? I mean Thomas and Shep are really helping but I- I just-” he let out a frustrated sigh “Do you got anything more for me to drink? Uh beer or- or even whiskey, I don’t care. Anything really.”
“Any more?” you raised an eyebrow as you apprached him, only then the scent of strong alocohol hitting you “Sam have you been drinking?” you already knew the answer but you couldn’t hold yourself from asking.
“I- I told you I can’t do it, it all feels so right and at the same time wrong. I couldn’t deal with it, (Y/n) I’m not- I’m not that strong. I can- I can take the devil himself torturing me for years, going through hell, facing demons and every monster out there but… facing such a happy life without you is- That’s the only thing that can break me. And it already has.” he choked out, shoulders slumped down as he looked at you with so much pain it made things only worse.
“Are you drunk?” was the only thing you could find yourself able to mutter.
“No, not enough at least.” he shook his head “I’m just- Im unable to do this, (Y/n), especially without you. Gen is- she’s perfect, she’s so great, she’s everything I could wish for in a wife yet I- I can only find myself picturing you in her place and I know it’s not fair for her but I also know it’s not just because I miss my girlfriend. I- I saw you, the three of you on how you interacted today. And I saw him, I saw my brother with his and your daughter and I know I should at least feel happy for a second for him but I- I just realized how much I want this. With you.”
The image flashed through your mind and realization started to set in as to why he had looked at you that way. He wanted to be in Dean’s place but couldn’t and it hurt him.
“It’s not your fault Sammy.” your voice was barely audible as you got closer and took hold of his hands. He looked at them for a second, swallowing thickly before his eyes met yours.
“I know that you love her, and she knows it too. And above all I know that you love Dean, he’s family and no matter what happens he’ll be the most important person in your life. That’s why this all hurts you so much. But Sammy-” you cupped his face, making him look at you “He knows it, Dean knows that you still care for him and in the end it will always all be about family.”
“I’m such a terrible brother. I accuse him of so many things yet-” he gritted his teeth “Yet when I saw him with JJ I wanted nothing more than to replace him when I too had an amazing family with me.”
“It’s because you’re in love, Sam, it’s not your fault.” you whispered as he let out a defeated sigh, his forehead resting against yours.
“Or it’s because I think you’re still mine.” he said in such a rough voice it made your eyes widened because of the hidden anger, frustration and pain “And you’re not anymore.”
Your lips parted, you were ready to say something although truth was you didn’t know, but you didn’t get the chance to when you saw a tear roll down his cheek and before you could even react you felt his lips crash on yours. You jumped in your place, your eyes going wide and you were frozen to say the least. You had a somewhat hard time with kissing Jared in front of the cameras, even if you both knew it was only your job, but at this very moment this was real. Desperate and real, very much so.
His lips moved against yours in deep need, and the scent of alcohol was now stronger than before. You felt him press himself as close to you as he could, desperate to feel you there and to know you were his. To at least feel it because his mind was probably telling him differently. You knew his behavior couldn’t only be attributed to the drinks he’d had, and you couldn’t blame him for all he felt as well, but you just couldn’t do it. You felt your heart clench in your chest, and as much as you wished you could mean kissing him back you only shut your eyes tightly and placed your hands on his chest, pushing him back and away from you. He didn’t want to entirely, again no blaming him, but in the end with a small sob he did detach his lips from yours.
“I’m sorry.” you whispered, opening your eyes as he gave you a sad smile, another tear rolling.
“It’s not your fault, don’t worry about it.” he gave you a small squeeze, leaning in and pressing his lips more tenderly to yours and this time you couldn’t find it yourself to push him away. You just kissed him but for only a second, maybe mostly out of guilt but you couldn’t tell at the moment.
“You can…” you whispered once you pulled away “You can stay here until you feel better if you want to, I- I’ll check quick on Dean an JJ and I’ll-” you took a step away from him “I’ll be back with you, ok?”
He didn’t say a thing, he only gave you a weak nod as he ran a hand down his face. For a moment you hesitated, thinking that this was almost as if making a choice, but you couldn’t help but want to leave the room. You couldn’t face him, you could only think of the man upstairs and so without another word you sniffled and made your way upstairs.
“And they lived a happily ever after.” were the words you first heard Dean whisper to your daughter as you pushed the door slightly open. You rested your weight on the doorframe, watching him smile down at her sleeping form before placing the book away. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, whispering a soft “Goodnight princess” to her before pulling away.
She stirred slightly, making him freeze in his place before she let a sigh in content “G'night daddy.” she mumbled before she drifted back to sleep.
Dean stood over her, staring at her form for a second – almost not wanting to pull away – before he finally noticed you and with a small sigh he turned and walked towards you, clearly not wanting to leave the moment just yet.
“Sometimes…” he whispered, closing the door behind him, not even caring to ask who was at the door “Sometimes I wish I was stronger than this.”
“What do you mean?” you frowned, placing a hand on his chest as he took hold of it, while wrapping the other around your waist.
“I wish I could have the strength to leave, I wish I could let myself even think about it but no. I’m such a damn coward, I get so scared by the mere idea that-” he clenched his jaw “I want to stay so bad. So so bad.” he choked out, his eyes fluttering shut.
“You’re not a coward, Dean, not for being scared to leave a peaceful life. Not when yours has been so hard, anybody would-”
“But not in my fucking case, not when my brother is-” he cut himself with a small growl, pulling away and shaking his head “He’s suffering because of me.” everything else seemed to be forgotten when he thought about the pain he could be causing his little brother.
“Dean” you whispered “Dean!” you said a little more urgently as he shook his head and refused to look at you.
“Look what I’ve caused, (Y/n). Look what I’ve done to all of us! It’s all because I’m too fucking weak to lie to you about-”
“Your feelings? Or you think you’re weak because you want what every human being does? Love and happiness!” you breathed out following after him in your own bedroom, eyes unable to believe him, because despite what you’d told him he wasn’t letting go of it “You- you can’t possibly think that, Dean, not now above all. I know it’s hard, I’m- I’m really scared for many things as well but you- Who knows how much time there is left to begin with for you and-”
“What?” he asked in a grave voice.
“I- I mean-” you blinked, just realizing what had almost slipped from your lips.
“You said this earlier, you-” he frowned, his yes moving back and forth in thought “He’s about to do something.” he muttered “What is about to happen?” his eyes jumped to meet yours as you looked at him almost wide-eyed “(Y/n)?” he asked with clenched fists and you faced away for a second.
“It’s- It’s nothing you seriously shouldn’t-”
“(Y/n)” he cut you off in a rough voice and you let out a shaky sigh.
“Dean I mean it, it’s- it’s nothing serious, just-”
“The hell it is.” he almost glared at you “you were crying, (Y/n), fucking crying because of something. You were shaking and scared. So don’t you freaking tell me it’s nothing. What happened?”
You placed a hand over your face, a small whimper leaving your lips as you turned your back to him. You couldn’t do this but you had to.
“It’s over, Dean. It’s about to be over. They found the witch and they… are going for her, to kill her. It will all be over… soon.” you choked out, eyes shut tightly to keep the tears in but you were unable to.
“Over?” he said in a raspy voice “Over.” he repeated to himself and you could feel your heart ache for him as you could hear the heartbreak and pain in his voice. He was not prepared for this, probably everything else, but not this. A heavy silence hung around you, his heavy and your uneven breathing the only thing to break it as none of you could dare to utter a single word.
And the moment you heard the lamp crash and shutter on the wall a sob left your lips and you turned around to face Dean. The first thing to catch your attention was his red eyes and his heaving chest as one tear fell from his eye. The eye contact lasted for a second before Dean angrily growled and pushed everything off the small table, angrily kicking a chair before finally punching the wall. For a second you got scared your daughter would wake up and Sam would hear everything and come upstairs to make matters worse by having Dean face him. But you still couldn’t look away from Dean who laughed bitterly to himself before clenching his jaw and bloody fist.
Chapter 14: Chapter 13
~In the Supernatural Universe~
You’ve been pacing back and forth in the bunker for what seemed like hours. Every time you took a look at the clock you wished time had passed but it had barely been a couple of minutes. You wanted to check your phone in case you had missed a call or text but you had it with you at all times and you couldn’t face the happy photo you had with your boyfriend at the moment. Not while agonizing over his well-being, his and Dean’s.
The second man’s thought refused to leave your mind either. Sure it was Jared and Jensen at it now, and you began to loathe yourself for letting them go without you even if Castiel and Jody were there to do the work, but they were important as well. If you had pushed aside every worry and just went with them, without fearing the consequences of getting distracted, you wouldn’t be so on edge right now.
You chewed on your lip until it was almost bloody. For a second you tried to focus, in case you could go back to the other universe or at least hear your other self but you only drew a blank. You had been unable to come in contact with her – you for a couple hours and this time it was all worse because you couldn’t stand the silence. The last image you had of her universe was Dean breaking down and breaking things angrily, tears in his eyes, and in the end he pucnhed the wall repeatedly. Your heart ached for him but as you stood here you were unable to do a single thing.
“Damn it!” you shouted angrily, tears in your eyes as you kicked a chair “I should have gone with them, fucking hell I should have!” you run a hand down your face in frustration, wiping away the tears. You knew you’d only prove to be a problem and hold them back but now, staying back with no knowledge of things, you felt like you could go crazy.
You jumped, all air getting caught in your throat, when the almost-silence was broken by a simple sound. And it wasn’t your other self’s voice. It was your phone. Your head snapped in your phone’s direction and you didn’t think before running for it. Your eyes widened when you spotted the familiar name and photo of the person on the other line. With shaky hands you pressed on the green button and brought the phone to your ear. Your entire body was actually trembling, making you wonder for a moment why it was really happening.
But you couldn’t say a word, and neither did he. You only listened to each other’s breathing, which again after hours of waiting was a great comfort for you. You closed your eyes, focusing on every small sound, including the oh-so-familiar roaring of the Impala and music in the background. You felt new tears well up in your eyes as you held onto the table for support.
“We’re coming home, baby. We’re coming home.” he choked out in a rough voice and you placed a hand over your mouth, closing your eyes and letting the tears flow down your cheeks.
“I’m waiting for you. I will be waiting for you.” you whispered, a small whimper leaving your lips as you heard him take in a shaky sigh on the other line.
You had been going all around the kitchen for at least two hours once the call was over, preparing something for them to eat once they were back and making sure everything was waiting for them; the exact same way as when they’d be back from a difficult hunt. As hard as it was to believe a relieved smile was all the while on your lips, but that didn’t mean your heart was beating at a normal rate. After everything that you’d experienced there was no going back to normal in any way.
The moment you heard the door open, your heart jumped to your throat. You didn’t miss a second to walk towards the main entrance and when you actually spotted them there. In all honesty though your eyes locked with a certain pair of eyes only.
“Welcome back.” you whispered faintly, a weak smile playing on your lips. He gave you a faint smile, looking at you almost a little in awe as if he had not seen you in forever and you had somehow changed or even more so as if you were going to vanish any given moment. You felt your heart flutter as you returned it and you painfully tore your eyes from him to look at his brother.
“Sammy?” you breathed out, a smile forming on your lips and he tried to mirror it as he walked down the stairs towards you with his brother and Castiel following suit.
“I have never been more relieved to hear you call me that.” he breathed out, although his smile didn’t reach his eyes and without waiting a second with two long strides he was in front of you and engulfing you in his arms.
You let out a trembling breath as the familiar scent invaded you and your body automatically relaxed. You fisted the fabric of his flannel in your hands and buried your face in his chest, as he buried his at the crook of your neck. You thought your knees would give away, you felt weak, but you stayed put and hugged him back just as tightly but, sadly, not as desperately as you thought you would or actually should. You shook the thought off when you heard him let out a trembling sigh and a small groan as he gave you a needy squeeze.
He pulled slightly away, looking down at you with red and glossy eyes as he cupped your face. You stared at him for a second, seeing the same love and adoration you always saw in his eyes, only this time there was a hint of sadness and actual grief in them. You could imagine why but you didn’t dare think about it. And you didn’t get the chance to when he crashed his lips to yours, greedily and desperately kissing you. For the first time you didn’t kiss back with just as much passion and hunger. You were somewhat stiff and withheld and although you did try to be as close as possible to him you felt something holding you back and he luckily didn’t insist. He pulled away and kissed your cheek a couple times, letting out a shuddering breath. He cupped your cheek and you nuzzled your face in his palm, giving it a gentle kiss as he leaned in and kissed your temple and forehead now. He pecked your lips one last time, trying to hold himself back from showing how truly desperate he was, before nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck. You threaded your fingers through his hair when you ended up wrapping your arms around his neck.
“God” he choked out “I missed you baby.” he whispered in your ear and you actually caught yourself smiling, even as a tear rolled down your cheek.
“I missed you too Sam.” you whispered, giving him a squeeze “So so bad.”
You buried your face in his shoulder and looked up for a moment only for your eyes to meet with a pair of green orbs watching you and you instantly felt your heart tighten in your chest. Dean realized he was caught staring and he blinked, looking away still with a clenched jaw. You noticed he looked down and you inevitably noticed his bloody hands as he clenched them stiffly.
“Sam” you whispered to your boyfriend, pushing him slightly away and sniffling he looked at you with a frown. When it dawned on him, he clenched his jaw and pursed his lips. He hesitated but when you gave him a reassuring smile and pat on the chest he pulled away and reluctantly let his arms fall from your sides. You gave him a small nod before turning to Dean.
“Hey you, don’t think you’re off the hook.” you said in the same voice tone you’d always use when he claimed to not want any chick flick moments and affection but he always came for that hug. Although this time your eyes held a different emotion and his just showed how much he had been through as well.
“When am I ever?” he spoke back in a rough voice, same half-smile he’d always given you but, again, this time there was something else in his expression and voice. And the way he merely moved gave it all away for you as the struggle to not just gather you in his arms and not let you go ever again was so evident on his face. His fingers curled as he grasped the fabric of your flannel and his arms wrapped around your form, pressing you as close as possible to his body.
“Welcome back.” you whispered, your voice coming muffled against his clothes.
You heard him take a deep breath in, savoring just your scent just like you did with his. You couldn’t almost breathe for a second, the lump in your throat painfully choking you and you shut your eyes tightly to fight the tears. You felt your body let out an involuntary tremble and he noticed because he squeezed you, nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck the way Sam had previously done yet it felt so different. He tightened his hold, desperately so, as he let out a trembling sigh followed soon afterward by a small growl. He was angry at himself for finally letting his emotions show. Oh Dean.
“Missed you so much, Dean.” you whispered, rubbing his back as your arms had come to wrap all around him. For some reason, you saying his name seemed to do the trick for him and realization to dawn on him. He stiffened slightly, taking in a deep breath before slowly pulling away. A frown set on your face and you tried to brush it off, despite how hard it was when you faced his clenched jaw.
“Yeah” he said in a gruff voice, his eyes unable to look into yours for longer than a second as he pushed you away “You too kiddo.” he gave you a half smile that soon fell and you let a small sigh, when you saw the look the two brothers shared for a moment.
“Hope you didn’t make a mess here while we were gone?” he tried to say with a smile, to lighten the mood but you all knew that nothing could. Even if you couldn’t admit it.
“You know very well you are always the ones to make the mess in here, I just clean up after you. It was all Jensen and Jared’s doing, whom are way worse than you two by the way.” you breathed out, and no sooner had the names left your lips than both men froze in their place.
“Jensen and Jared huh?” Sam breathed out and you watched him curiously his gaze seemed to darken and his jaw twitch “You had great company then.” he breathed out sharply and you bit your lower lip.
“It’s-” you paused, glancing at Dean who immediately averted his eyes from you “It doesn’t matter now, you guys are tired. This whole thing wore you out… it wore us all out.” you sighed, rubbing your arm as you looked down at your feet “I’ve made food for you, if you’re hungry, and there’s warm water and your beds are already waiting for you as well.”
“Cause we sure as hell missed those.” Dean mumbled bitterly, scoffing before realizing what had actually left his lips. It looked as if he was not controlling it and was just speaking his mind. And when he looked at Sam who had pursed lips and a raised eyebrow he shook his head.
“Alright, I don’t know about you guys, but I could really use something to eat and even more something to drink.” he said gruffly “Cas, you in? Leave the lovebirds alone for some time.”
“I… suppose.” Castiel mumbled, looking from Dean to you, then Sam. Your heart clenched in your chest as you held your breath for a moment. You looked down at your feet, wanting nothing more that to just leave this place immediately. They wouldn’t speak about it, of course, they wouldn’t even dare to think about it but the atmosphere around you had changed. The air felt thicker and the tension was evident.
“Good, come on then. And you two try to be quiet in there.” he meant to say with a hint of sarcasm and teasingly with a smile but none of that came through. Instead it looked like a weak attempt and he didn’t even look at his brother as he turned around and made his way to the kitchen. You looked at the angel in the same as he gave you a sympathetic smile before following after the hunter. You both knew that what would start out with a couple beers would turn into bottles of whiskey in a few hours and it pained your heart so much more than you wanted to admit.
Your heart clenched in your chest as you held your breath for a moment. You only held your breath and looked down at your feet, wanting nothing more that to just leave this place immediately. They wouldn’t speak about it, of course, they wouldn’t even dare to think about it but the atmosphere around you had changed. The air felt thicker and your heart dropped when you thought you’d have to talk about it. Soon, and this time you didn’t know what was going to happen because you could no longer put it off. You bit the inside of your cheek, looking at Sam as he ran a hand through his hair.
He looked at you and gave you a tight smile “Shower?” he whispered and you sighed, nodding your head.
“Ye-yeah.” you breathed out, glancing in the direction Dean had left “Let’s go.” you whispered as you took hold of his extended hand and made your way to the bathroom, no more words needed to be uttered for just some just like with every rough hunt.
But this wasn’t just another bad hunt. This was your future at stake.
“I’m sorry.” you whispered, voice barely coming out but still enough to break the heavy silence that had set around you.
“It’s alright.” his voice was rough as he tucked a few strands behind your ear “’S not your fault.” his eyes roamed your face but as you stared back at him you didn’t see the same clarity you’d always face. It was like there was a thin veil, hiding what he really felt almost for your sake and to not hurt you any further by letting you read him like an open book. Truth was if you really saw what he felt at the moment, after what had happened, it would make you despise yourself to no end.
“Sam” you had a hard time keeping a whimper in, and you cupped his cheek; leaning in to press your lips to his in a tender kiss “I love you, you know that right?”
“I do, (Y/n).” he breathed out, just a hint of relief in his voice “I really do. I don’t doubt it in the least bit.” he whispered yet you still didn’t smile. Mostly because you knew that it couldn’t always be equal to “in love” all the time and you had started to really doubt that lately. And you both knew it.
“But you still can’t stop thinking about what has happened… and what didn’t.” you whispered what he didn’t dare to, looking down at your hands on his chest.
“I told you I don’t blame you, (Y/n). Really, it’s fine. We’re all so worn out because of this that- it just happens.” he said in a low voice, not meeting your eyes.
“We are Sam but we both know what this is really about.” you didn’t know how to feel over him being so exhausted to mention what had happened about an hour ago. Angry, hurt or… guilty because of the reason behind you not being able to give into him “You- you are more tired than me, more broken and- and hurt and all you need is to feel me there and I am-” you paused, biting the inside of your cheek to fight the tears “Unable to let my boyfriend make love to me and- and respond to him. God, what’s wrong with me?!” you said through gritted teeth before you let out a shaky breath, pulling away from him and resting your back against the headboard. You ran a hand down your face, wiping the stray tear away before he could see.
Sam sighed, shuffling so that he was in a sitting position as well, jaw clenched “I missed you like hell, (Y/n), I just needed to feel we are still one. I needed to feel like everything was the same, that it was just a hunt, finished successfully for the victims, no matter the toll it took on us. I needed to feel as if none of it had happened, I wanted to be able to forget it was even some reality. I needed to feel you there, all for me and just hear you say you loved me and not-” he stopped himself, pursing his lips in a thin line “To see the same adoration and love in your features, to remember our first time and everything we’ve shared and experienced. I guess it is too much of me to ask anymore, isn’t it?”
“S-Sam” you felt a lump in your throat. You knew he was probably thinking about that but you didn’t want to hear it.
“I saw it you know.” he breathed out before you could say a word “I saw the way you, well she anyway, looked at him. I saw the same love, only much stronger, in her eyes as she smiled and talked to him. My brother.” he laugh humorlessly “At first I thought it was some sick joke but no. I guess it was a way for someone telling me that it’s just-” he paused, shrugging numbly as he stared in front of him “Over somehow.”
“What?” you gasped, eyes widening “Sam, no. Please, no. I was just- I’m tired, and there’s so much on my mind lately that I- I couldn’t be entirely myself but that doesn’t mean I could ever-” you stopped yourself, your throat going dry at the mere thought.
“Be thinking about Dean and everything that has happened these past few days?” he asked softly, mostly tired, raising an eyebrow at you and smiling sadly “I mean come on, (Y/n), even during the hardest of times we’ve always found ourselves right in each other’s arms. It was our way of dealing with the pain of the aftermath, making sure that this small heaven we had was still there and real. You were all I needed and I was all you needed to make everything feel better. But I guess that’s not the case anymore, there are some things that I am not able to make you forget. There are things I am not able to cure. I am not… the one that can do anything anymore.”
“Sam” your glossy eyes widened “No please. It’s not that and you know it.” your voice was weak and barely above a whisper as you looked away from him. You couldn’t face him. And you couldn’t lie, not out loud to him, anymore. It was true that you had not been able to comfort Sam the way you always would after hard moments just because of Dean. You had been thinking about him ever since you locked eyes again nearly an hour and a half ago. You wanted to attribute it to photos you kept close to your bedside that Jensen had left for you or at least the life you got to know because of him, but it wasn’t just that.
You thought this was going to be a mess but actually going through it was worse than anything you could ever imagine. And you were only getting started. You could see Sam was barely holding onto hope at the moment. He was so tired when you first saw him, and barely two hours later, without too many words exchanged – or actions for that matter – he had become so much worse than before. You couldn’t even begin to imagine what would happen one week later, two weeks later, one month later, two months later, and then three and four and… did you even have that much left after all?
You didn’t want this to turn into a fight, not at it being your first night together after such an ordeal. You still loved him, you knew that and you felt it, and didn’t want him to have to deal with this as well. He had gone through enough already as it was. God knows if he had been dreaming about getting back and right in your arms all this time, only to be faced with such empty hugs and pained kisses. Not to mention a girlfriend that couldn’t shake the thought of his brother of her mind. But what shook you to the core was the fact that even when Sam kissed you there was flashes of Dean’s green eyes in front of you, his voice even echoing in your head, and the thought of his presence wrapped your mind more than Sam wrapping his body around yours intimately.
How could you ever voice such a thing to Sam? It was the beginning of the end, it made you want to sob and tears to well in your eyes, unpleasant shivers running down your spine because of how wrong this was.
“It feels like I don’t know a thing, though, not anymore. And maybe I never really did.” he breathed out.
“Sam” you held your breath “You can’t really be thinking that-”
“You’re thinking about it too, (Y/n), don’t lie to me. I can read you like an open book.” he smiled bitterly, throwing the blankets off of him and still sitting on the bed he turned his back to you, swinging his feet to the side of the bed, which hurt more than his words “Jensen talked to you about it, I know. You got to hear about a life you’ve been dreaming about for so long, and that you’ve talked to me about so many times. A daughter, two more kids on the way, a perfect house straight out of your dreams, a safe life without a monster waiting for you at the end of the road and… with a great guy to love and care for you more than his life. I’m not mad if it has affected you, it did a number on all of us anyway.”
“It must have been so hard for you, I’m- I’m sorry, Sam. I wish I could have done something about it.”
“But you couldn’t, and it’s alright. I told you I don’t blame you.” he shrugged his shoulders slightly “I just-” he paused for a moment “I guess I should have seen it coming. I too got so sucked into this it affected me. I saw what our life could be, (Y/n), I saw what you and I could have if I wasn’t cursed. I had two little boys you know?” he asked softly, his voice cracking and fighting the tears you nodded your head.
Realizing he couldn’t see you you spoke “I-I know. Jared told me about them.”
“Hmh” he hummed, nodding his head before his eyes casted down at his hands “They are amazing, you know. I could see so much of me in them, so… so much. It hurt for two entirely different reasons though. And above all because I couldn’t see you in them. I wished so bad you could be their mother-” he laughed bitterly “I wished so bad you could be the mother of my children. But you had another family, with another man and I- I was married to another woman. It was-” he gritted his teeth “I didn’t know how to feel about it. It was Ruby you know, at least the actress playing her. And she- she was so nice to me, the perfect wife. Except for-” he laughed bitterly, waving his hand “For not being you that is.”
“Sam” you choked out, placing a hand on his shoulder. Silence fell around the two of you and you could see he was tense. You wished you could say something but it was so much harder than you had ever imagined.
“I slept with her.” he breathed out, breaking the silence and your eyes widened and your heart dropped to your stomach.
“Wh-what?” you blinked, a frown setting on your face.
“I-” he licked his lips, closing his eyes for a moment “Gen, Jared’s wife, and I slept together. We-” he couldn’t form any words as his eyes casted down in guilt.
“You slept with her.” you didn’t ask, you only repeated in a pained whisper “You-” you shook your head as you bit your lower lip harder to fight the tears “Why?” you breathed out in the end, a frown on your face as you felt a hole in your heart.
“I don’t-” he bit his lip, shaking his head before running his finger through his hair “I’m so sorry (Y/n), it wasn’t- it wasn’t because I wanted it entirely I just I- I tried to attribute it to everything that was going or- or me trying to convince her that I was Jared, that I was her husband, that I got too carried away without realizing it..” he took in a shaky breath before turning to face you.
“I will understand if you don’t want to-”
“Sam” you cut him off, eyes glossy as you clenched your jaw “It’s not that. Just- why?” you repeated the question, staring into his eyes “I- I don’t blame you, I just want to understand you.”
“Because I missed you.” he finally confessed “And because I couldn’t stand to watch my girlfriend kiss my brother and whisper to him how-” he stopped himself, trying to swallow the lump in his throat “I missed you like crazy, (Y/n), and I needed you. But I couldn’t have you and I just… I took what I could get, pretended that it was all you all the while. I simply gave in, I was weak. I was just…” he trailed off.
“Hurt” you whispered, eyes down at your hands as you fought the tears. You knew you couldn’t be mad or any more disappointed him for what he’d done. He regretted it, it was so obvious, and that only hurt more. Because you didn’t.
“Yeah, that.” he admitted, running a hand down his face “So I don’t blame you for anything, I can’t really. I am more guilty. I will never blame you or accuse you or be mad at you. I know how easy it is to just… drift apart and get carried away. I just hope that you don’t hate me for-”
“No” you breathed out, cutting him off. You were the only one to really blame yet he was the one feeling guilty and apologizing. It just made you feel worse about everything, much more than you could feel the heartache at hearing your boyfriend had slept with another woman.
And that only rang another bell in your mind. You weren’t as affected as you should have been or could have been in the past with something like this. And you knew it wasn’t just because of your guilt at the kiss you shared with Jensen or because you somehow justified Sam for his actions because it all just drained him emotionally.
“No, don’t say that. I’m- I’m not mad at you, I know what I mean to you. I really do. And I could never hate you Sam, no more than I hate myself.” you ended up whispering as you cupped his face “I know what we have-” you almost said “had” for a second “Is strong and what happened with her is- it’s different, I understand. I- I’ll try to… to let go of it. I’ll try to not think about it and- and justify it. Don’t feel bad, please. You’re the last one to blame, Sam, the last one.” you rested your forehead against his “Sam, I- I love you.” you finally whispered, hating that your voice cracked “And what you did… I can never judge you.”
He didn’t question you verbally but a small frown set on his face as he tilted his head softly. You shook yours, not really even remotely ready to speak about it and everything that had happened with Jensen because he still was some version of his brother. You didn’t say another word as you slowly crept towards him, carefully and timidly, waiting for his reaction that luckily wasn’t him pulling away. You ended up sitting on his lap as he hesitantly rested his hands on your hips. Your breath mixed with his and your lips toyed with his as you slowly inched yourself closer to him and in the end pressed your lips hard to his.
He was stiff for a moment, but let his eyes flutter closed as you kissed him slowly. You were somewhat unsure as well, almost as if you’d never kissed before, but when he started responding you relaxed. You were both trying to wash away the guilt and as you slowly laied down with him on top of you, not breaking apart, and with his hands holding you firmly as he kissed you you hoped there would be something to make it hurt less.
But it was so in vain when he kissed you back and your mind raced back to his green-eyed brother.
You seemed to stare at Sam’s sleeping form for what felt like forever. Why? You didn’t know exactly. You simply appreciated to see him free of any worries just for a little bit and glad that at least in his sleep you couldn’t cause him any pain. You wiped away the stray tear and carefully inched away from him, lifting his arm that was drapped over you slowly and slipped away from his hold. You carefully got dressed without making any noise and without daring to give him a last glance you left the room with a heavy heart. You walked towards the map room, desperately needing a drink. You held your breath all the while, eyes casted down until the small sound that didn’t come from you caught your attention. You finally walked in the room and once looking up your eyes locked with the very same man that had been occupying your thoughts for the good past hours.
Your heart leapt to your throat and once he saw you he stopped mid-movement, glass with whiskey just touching his lips. His clenched jaw relaxed and his eyebrow raised just slightly, removing the frown from his face in an instant. You held his gaze for a good solid minutes, neither of you moving, or even breathing for fear it could be heard and could break the silence.
In the end you just blinked, tearing your eyes from his and breaking the eye-contact much to both of yours dismay. With eyes anywhere but on him you approached him, breaking the silence as you grabbed a glass yourself and sitting right opposite from him you grabbed the half-full bottle and poured a generous amount for yourself. All the while Dean had not made a move, only followed your movement with his eyes and held his breath.
You stared at the glass for a moment before grabbing it and downing your glass in one go before slamming it down on the table as you swallowed the drink burning your throat. You looked at him as he stared back at you and you let a tear roll down your cheek, finally make some sort of emotion flash through his eyes.
“She has your smile.” you whispered in the end.
~In our Universe~
“Feeling any better?” you asked as you approached your husband.
“Yeah shower really helped. Hell of a lot.” he dried his hair with the towel and grinned “Gosh it feels amazing to be back home, look at you.”
“It hasn’t been that long, Jens.” you whispered and he scoffed, shaking his head “It feels amazing to have you back home, baby. We are all so happy.” you breathed out, and a tender smile formed on his lips as his eyes drifted lower and he placed a hand on top of your belly.
“How are these two doing? Hope they didn’t miss daddy too much.” he whispered and you placed a hand on top of his.
“Nah they’re all good. Didn’t understand a thing, and now everything’s going to be fine.” you breathed out, resting your head on his shoulder.
“And JJ?” he whispered “How’s she?”
“Finally asleep, don’t worry.”
“Wish I could have put her to sleep.” he sighed with a small frown.
“Jens, don’t worry about it. It’s all fine, you’ve been through enough you deserve to just relax a little bit. She’s been constantly asking what was that loud noise of course but everything’s alright now. It was hard to come up with a good excuse this time that’s all.” you sighed softly, eyes boring into his as he cupped your face.
“Ever the curious one, just like her momma.” he said with a small chuckle and you grinned, nuzzling your face in his palm.
“Well, she took after her father as well. Takes a lot to be both Jensen Ackles and Dean Winchester in a day, not everybody can do it.” you mumbled and he gave you a soft smile.
“Speaking of which-” he let a small sigh as he licked his lips “You know we have to do something, right?”
You let out a trembling sigh, nodding your head slowly “You know-” you both made your way to your bedroom “I’ve seen you turn into Dean for so many years, I’ve seen that thin veil fall over your face and Dean take over somehow. But you know I always could just see you right through, I would always see you as my husband, and this the job we do. Dean was a character, I just didn’t think much of it, but now-”
“I know, I understand.” he let the towel drop on a chair “The pain I saw in her… your eyes, God, how can they live such a life and not lose it? I- I couldn’t sleep, just thinking about it and they just… deal with it and live it? It hurt when I saw them as characters, I don’t think how I’ll be able to do it now… knowing… yeah.” he cleared his throat, letting out a heavy sigh.
“They have to numb themselves to be able to go through this… The way Dean reacted to hearing JJ call him dad broke me, Jens,” you let a small whimper, eyes glossy “He was so shocked and so scared at the same time. I- I once caught him staring at family pictures, Jens, and he just looked so drained.” you whispered as he wrapped his arms around you.
“I know, baby. I know.” he whispered, kissing your forehead “I’m- I’m just going to ask if we can take a break earlier this time, if you really feel like you need it.”
“It’s not about that, Jens. Not just that at least. We’ll need time to try and film again, I know you think the same as well, but- but we have to deal with it first, you said it. We need to do something.” you said more firmly and he gave you a small squeeze “Things are not the same, we now know about their existence, and we know how much our decisions affect them, we have to… we have to speak to Andrew at some point.”
“He can’t know the truth, like hell he will even believe us-” he scoffed, shaking his head “But this is going to change everything too. It has to, and-” he paused, frowning as he watched you carefully, your eyes being casted down and you biting your lip “You have something in mind, don’t you?” his voice was barely audible as you gave him a tight smile, pulling away.
“I was just thinking…” you trailed, off, sitting down on the bed “I am pregnant, with twins. And the timing, it’s not all that ideal, or at least the same as when I was pregnant with JJ. It will be a problem for the show and…”
“…For them.” he breathed out, nodding his head “Damn it, I didn’t have time to think about it when I was there.” he mumbled, running a hand down his face in frustration.
“I had a small talk about it with the writers but, they still have not decided something. Although, you know what had been in their mind so far and they think they might go on with that.” you sighed, playing with your fingers as he nodded his head with a clenched jaw.
“We can’t let them do that, I know not everything is up to us but- but this is just out of the question!” he shook his head, eyes wide “If- if we let them continue and- and… kill you off, then-” he stopped himself, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat.
“Dean and Sam are going to break, for good this time.” you whispered shakily “No, no.” you breathed out, looking up from the floor to meet his eyes “I’ll tell the writers that I- I want to keep going with the role, that I don’t want to leave the show and that I’ll be alright with balancing everything with the pregnancy.”
“They’re not gonna be that stupid to just end this when the fans love you this much but- (Y/n) it’s gonna be so many episodes, what are you going to suggest for them to keep you in? We have to think carefully what we need to do to help Sam and Dean, we don’t know how things will work out if we suggest something that-”
“Then we’ll suggest the obvious and most simple of all.” you breathed out, cutting him off as he came to sit next to you with a frown.
“The obvious, yes.” you whispered, taking hold of his hand “And probably our only solution that can finally make things right for all of them. You met the other me, and I met Sam and Dean. As hard as it was to really make this choice… we both know what we have to do.”
Jensen frowned, a perplexed expression on his face as you finally guided his hand over your stomach. The frown was replaced by wide eyes as a small gasp left his lips. His shoulders fell and his back straightened.
“You mean…” he trailed off as you gave him a hopeful smile.
“Let me appear on the show pregnant. Insert all of this, somehow, into the show. It is the only way it’s going to set things right amongst all three of them. A baby will sort out everything, Jens.” you said softly, squeezing his hand.
“But-” he frowned, blinking “But… (Y/n) ending up pregnant?” he whispered “How will that be possible?”
“Do we have another solution, Jens? No, not one that can at least give some hope to them that their future will be better than they expect. Think about it, this baby could give them hope Jensen. It can bring a solution to everything, in just the right way, it will make it easier for them. Even if it seems hard at first, and that way things won’t be the same, it’s obvious they have already changed. It will prove to be just what they need.”
“(Y/n) pregnant.” he whispered, repeating the words to himself “It- it could work somehow, it could be hard but it could also…” he trailed off, running his fingers through his hair.
“Think about it, and in this way there will be a closure. One they really need.”
“But, baby-” he licked his lips, shaking his head “How is this going to work out?”
“I- I don’t know, but the writers could-”
“I don’t mean that.” he cut you off, eyes locking with yours “There is something that need to think before suggesting that, even if it’s the only way to go with this.”
“What?” you whispered.
“Who is going to be the father?”
~In the Supernatural Universe~
“It’s all your smile, (Y/n).” his rough voice spoke in the end and you scoffed, smiling even with watery eyes.
“No, Dean. She-” you played with your glass “She’s got just the best of you, your smile on top of it.”
“Please” he shook his head “You don’t see your smile the way I do, to know. Or every little detail of yours she’s inherited. She’s taken after you so much, it surprises me.”
“She’s taken after her father too, Dean.” your eyes cast down as you felt a lump in your throat “She’s a perfect mix of the both of us I guess.”
“Hmh” he bit his lip, nodding his head with a bitter smile before taking a sip of his beer “Both of us, who’d have thought.” he mumbled although truth was he had dreamed about it so many times.
“Jensen-” you started hesitantly “Jensen spoke about her with so much love and I can’t blame him. She’s such an amazing kid, I guess-” you smiled sadly “I guess we did something right for once huh?”
“We” he repeated a little bitterly and you held your breath “Yeah I suppose.” he muttered almost a little too angrily before downing the rest of his whiskey.
You took in a shaky breath “Dean-” you started but he cut you off by shaking his head.
“You know she- the other you, she insisted I was JJ’s father just as much as him. But there is a big difference there.” he looked you in the eyes “I’m not going to be there to see her grow, to see her on her first day of school, to read her stories, to warn her about boys and to even go on trips to freaking Disneyland!” he threw his arms in the air before shaking his head and grabbing the bottle of whiskey once more.
“D” you choked out before your eyes cast down “I would want to be there for her as well, I didn’t spend as much time with her as you did, and when I saw her it was only in flashes but- but I’m content to live with that memory for now.”
“Are you?” he asked with a frown “Cause I- I really am not.” he shook his head and his words sent a shiver down your spine, making your eyes widen.
“Doesn’t matter.” he grumbled, running a hand down his face “How’s he?” he asked in a grave voice, clearly changing the subject.
You clenched your jaw for a moment before sighing, pouring some whiskey in your glass and speaking “Not good. You know it too.” you answer in complete honesty and his own eyes cast down “None of us are. We can try to lie about it but… it’s impossible anymore.”
“Just takes some trying, that’s all.” he muttered tired.
“Oh and you know that, don’t you?” you almost snapped at him, angry because he showed no sign of actually wanting to open about all of this “Keeping things bottled up, lying about what is truly going on for the other’s sake and not telling a thing to the people that love you. That’s your thing, isn’t it?”
“Yes, maybe it actually is.” he growled back, his eyes finally meeting yours and only then you noticed they were red. The dim lighting wasn’t helping so far but now you could see it, and it broke you all over again. Making all anger just vanish into pure pain.
“We almost fought.” you whispered, head slightly bowed and breaking the silence “Sam and I- we- first time seeing each other after such an ordeal and we almost fought.”
“Yeah, and then you just had sex. I understand.” he said bitterly, shrugging with a clenched jaw.
“And you’ve never done it out of pure guilt and the need to forget about someone else, have you?” you raised an eyebrow and he stared at you with a clenched jaw.
“Who?” he whispered.
“You know damn well.” you whispered, your voice holding no anger in it.
“Maybe I don’t, (Y/n). Especially now.” he shook his head, downing his whiskey.
“And there you’re at it again, making things complicated. I- I mean I know they are, hell I do Dean! But-” you bit your lower lip, the tears threatening to spill “Will you just look at me for just a whole minute please?” your voice shook as you looked at him.
“You just can’t understand, (Y/n). You don’t… know, not really.” he huffed, pushing his chair back and ready to get up.
“I hate you.” you said fast enough, making him stop mid-movement and finally look at you “I hate you so much.” you continued firmly as he looked at you with a frown, it wasn’t your words “You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve to live and feel this way about her.” you went on and as realization dawned on him, his eyes widened “I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you and I love you. I love you, (Y/n), and I can burn in hell for this but I love you, even if you are his. Even if you never look at me the way I do, even if you never think of me as more than just your best friend. I love you, ‘cause I can’t help it. And I need you to know it, 'cause I might die tomorrow and I will be damned if these words don’t come out of my mouth for you. And I need you to know it.”
“Where-” he clenched his jaw “Where did you hear-”
“Do you still think I don’t know a thing Dean? Or are you going to say I don’t feel either? Because we both know this is about so much more than JJ and a perfect house.” you said softly, cutting him “Dean, I was there when (Y/n) told you about-” you hesitated “About Jensen and me. And the fact that I kissed him. I kissed him.”
“And?” his voice was barely audible, showing how exhausted he was.
“And I need you to say something about it, Dean. I need you to- to react to that, to show me- me, this me, what you really feel about it. I need to see it, I need to hear it.”
“Hear what exactly (Y/n)? What? Other than the fact that you are my brother’s girlfriend and I have no fucking right to feel a single thing about it and even more so let myself hope that you somehow saw him as me?!”
“You weren’t thinking that, that first night though.” your shoulders gave him a simple shrug “You weren’t thinking that I belong to your brother when you kissed and-” you felt a lump in your throat for a moment “And made love to me that night, did you? No, of course you didn’t. Because you for once let your feelings take over and oh it was hard to contain, wasn’t it Dean?”
“You-” his eyes widened, his heart leaping to his throat “You were there?” he asked and clenched his fists and jaw.
“I was yes, through everything.” you said with a nod and Dean slumped back in his chair as you continued “So really, it was probably more me than her in the first place.”
“Damn it (Y/n).” he choked out, running a hand down his face as you slowly got up from your chair.
“You think you hate yourself Dean? Then you have no idea how I really feel about my own self.” you breathed out, shaking your head “I was scared about Jensen and Jared leaving because- because I didn’t know how I would be able to face my boyfriend after what I had done. And just as I imagined, when I had Sam in front of me I was scared to utter a word because I-” you laughed bitterly “I might accidentally call him by your name.”
“I almost did tonight.” you confessed and he opened his eyes to look at you, only to realize you were just a few feet away from him “I got so carried away and-” you closed your eyes, resting your weight on the table, knuckles turning white “I saw your image, your eyes, heard your voice in my mind, and I just- Hell, I don’t know if I actually did or not.” you almost choked on a sob, placing a hand over your mouth “You think you actually hate yourself Dean? Try to be in a relationship that’s failing, and you’re trying to convince yourself everything is perfect because your partner has drifted apart but he doesn’t deserve to be told that you feel your heart skip a beat when you look at his brother instead of him.”
“You and Sam-” he frowned, his chest heaving as he struggled to breathe.
“Are desperately trying to hold onto a lie that has finally come to light. You haven’t been there, Dean, I don’t blame you if you have no idea about the fights. We don’t always see eye to eye as you might believe. Yes we love each other, I love Sam with all my heart-” you noticed how he visibly stiffened, and partially you were glad he finally showed some kind of emotion “He’ll always be important to me, and I know- I know how much he loves me too, but things are not the same as they were the first year Dean.”
“Does he know that?”
“I don’t know. He’s a true Winchester about that. Shuts the whole world out and keeps it to himself, it’s what you guys do. Nothing’s peach perfect, though, and he sees it too. We need each other, yes, and there is love too. I will never doubt that about Sam or me, I know he must have been thinking about me constantly in that universe. Missing me. Feeling the guilt of what he did with Gen just because of how much he loves me. But sometimes that’s not enough Dean. Not if it’s one-sided.”
“It shouldn’t be like this. This- none of this should have happened.”
“But it has. Dean, I know he’s your brother, and in the end you’ll have to talk with him about it but I need you to know where I stand.”
“And that is?” he breathed heavily as he stared up at you with a frown.
You gave him a barely visible smile as you pushed from the table and got closer to him, placing a hand on top of his on the chair. He stiffened but at rubbing his hand with your thumb he started relaxing. You moved so that you were in the end just sitting on his lap as you finally cupped his face and rested your forehead against his. He hesitated for a moment but brought his hands to rest on your hips, almost to hold you close to him and not leave. Your breath mixed with his as for a moment you both stared deeply into each other’s eyes.
“I don’t know how things will work out, we all are a mess now. We can’t make any choices, only time can help us do that. But if it comes to the point where we…” you trailed off, closing your eyes for a second “I will leave the bunker.” you whispered and he visibly stiffened, his eyes widening.
“(Y/n)” he said almost in a warning voice before clenching his jaw.
“I will, Dean. I will leave to make things easier, it is the only right thing. I’ll disappear from your lives for good.” you felt him squeeze your hips painfully so and you realize that he was barely holding back from fighting you right then and there “Come on, we both know I’m already half outta here. It’s only a matter of time.”
“Sam and you can-”
“What? Work it out, I’m afraid there is nothing left to work on anymore. I’m just- I’m just sorry for everything that I’ve done Dean, and mostly what I have not done. I’m sorry for the time we lost and the pain you had to endure because of me, cause I know it’s all my fault. I went for the easy way, for a picture perfect relationship. At least in our lives and this kind of work.”
“It’s not your fault, (Y/n). Not just your fault.” his eyes cast down.
“Hurting the man I loved and being such a damn fool to see it?” you scoffed, smiling bitterly “It is all my fault, Dean. You probably can’t hate me but you have no idea how much I loathe myself for everything I’ve done or more like not done. I was so scared that-” you stopped yourself as you let a tear slip from your eyes “I need you to know the truth, Dean. I’ve been lying to you, and myself, hell even Sam.”
“And that is?” his voice was barely above a whisper and you gave him a sad smile before you leaned in without a single word and pressed your lips to his. He was frozen in his place, eyes wide and all air knocked out of his lungs. He had kissed you, he had kissed almost every inch of your body, yet this felt so overwhelming and new to him.
Probably because was the real you, the one he had actually met and fallen in love with. The one he shared so many memories with and that made his heart skip a beat in an entirely different way.
Dean took a deep breath in, his eyes slowly fluttering shut as he relaxed and his arms wrapped fully around your waist. Your own arms wrapped around his neck and you kissed him hesitantly until he started responding. A small sigh of relief left and you started to kiss him even more passionately, but still slowly and intimately. Your lips parted as you gave him access into your mouth and Dean didn’t think about it for a second before responding to your small action. He tightened his hold too, fearing you’d just disappear, and to bring you as close as possible to him and in response you pressed your body flush to his. You kissed him back more desperately, almost hungrily a small moan leaving your lips; accompanied by a small growl from him. You shifted on his lap, somehow needing more contact but there wasn’t any space left between you anyway.
Only when you felt a push on your shoulders you actually pulled away. You opened your eyes to look at Dean looking at you with hazy eyes and a frown set on your face.
“God” he breathed out in a hoarse voice “Please don’t do this to me kid. It’s killing me.”
Your eyes roamed his face as you struggled to breath. You gave him a sad smile, another tear rolling as you gave him a weak nod. He cupped your cheek and gently wiped it away, giving you an equally pained smile. He didn’t say another word but it wasn’t needed, because you knew the truth that hung in the air was too much to utter. You both knew what didn’t need to be said, especially as a tear rolled from down Dean’s cheek.
“God” it came out more choked this time “You’re killing me.”
~One year later in the Supernatural Universe~
“Have you visited them?” you asked your angel friend who was helping you prepare dinner “I’ve tried contacting… (Y/n) but there is no way other than using a spell and I just-” you shrugged, “Don’t wanna risk it.”
“Unfortunately no. I suppose she must have given birth by now, though.” he said softly.
“Oh yeah, months ago.” you nodded your head “Besides, time works differently here, and she was already two months pregnant when it all started.”
“I will make sure to visit her as soon as I can, see how Jensen and Jared are doing as well. Sadly, with everything that’s been happening I have not had the chance to.” he sighed as he passed you a glass with orange juice.
You raised an eyebrow and smirked “What’s this now?”
“Juice, of course. You need all the vitamins you can get.” he said with a small smile and you giggled, shaking your head.
“I’ll just… let it slip, this time. But you gotta stop reading those books, Cas. I already know what’s good enough for me and what’s not.” you grinned “And speaking of which-”you bit your lip “..How are they?” you asked tentatively, not trying to seem too eager to know, even if you were.
“They’re-” he narrowed his eyes as he looked in front of him in deep thought “Good, I suppose. Not much has changed since the last time you talked, they have recently taken up another case. They should be done soon, though, just in case you… want to visit.”
“Cas” you sighed, placing the knife down as his shoulders fell as well “You know I want that too but- but I left the bunker and all of that behind for a reason. And you know very well what that reason is.” you said and a half smile formed on his lips as his eyes trailed down, yours following his trail.
“Well, the reason does grow too fast to just forget.” he said with a small chuckle as you couldn’t hold back your laughter.
“Yeah, what can I expect though? It’s father is a Winchester.” you breathed out, placing a hand on top of your four-month old belly.
“That is true.” he nodded his head in pride “And since you mentioned it-” he paused for a moment “I really think you should call him, let him know about what the doctor said. I believe it would make him really happy.”
You bit your lip as you rubbed your hand over your small baby bump “I’ve… been thinking about it too.” you whispered “He’ll be thrilled, gosh he-” you chuckled, tears of happiness welling up in your eyes as you shook your head.
“But they’re busy right now, Cas.” you added, shrugging softly “I can’t just… call and interrupt when-”
“We both know it’s not about that.” he tilted his head to the side, smiling knowingly “You’re still always scared to talk to them, aren’t you?”
“It’s been so long, Cas, but every time I just feel like it was only yesterday that-” you sighed “When it all happened. I just feel like… everything is going well for them now and if I call I am just going to ruin it.”
“(Y/n), please believe me when I say that Sam and Dean have put every difference behind them for the sake of this child and are missing you more than you can realize. Just… call him, he’ll be really happy to hear you. I know he’s been thinking all the time about you… haven’t you?”
“It’s not like I even can if I want to.” you breathed out with a shy smile “I don’t want to stay away from them but- but it was for the best. This decision- I made it for all three of us, four even, I can’t just let it show that… I miss them so much.”
“(Y/n), it is absolutely fine. You… You love him, you’re in love with him, you can’t just undo that. This child proves that. Just… give him a call, I am sure he will love to come here and see you. I’ll go help with the hunt.” he shrugged softly as you took in a shaky breath.
“I don’t know if…” you trailed off, biting your lip as your eyes cast down to your belly.
“He’s thinking about you too, (Y/n), more than you know.” he said, as if giving you a small push and after a short moment of silence, you let a defeated sigh.
“I’ll just go get my phone, but you make sure you’ll get there in time to make sure the hunt goes well!” you pointed a finger at him and he grinned, nodding his head.
You gave him a final smile before leaving the kitchen to make your way to the living room but with each step you felt your heart beat harder and harder inside your chest. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to hear his voice, oh you wanted it more than anything, but you didn’t know if it was the right time to start approaching this topic yet.
Before you could realize it you had pressed dial on his number and faster than you could have ever imagined you heard his voice on the other line “Yes?”
“Hey, it’s me.” you almost whispered as you heard some shuffling on the other end.
“Y-yeah, I uh-” he cleared his throat “I saw that. What- what’s going? Why did you call? Is everything alright with the baby? Did something happen with- with some monster perhaps? Are you-”
“No, no no!” you rushed to say before he could panic any more “No, I’m fine. We’re both fine, don’t worry about that.” you said more calmly and you heard him let out a sigh of relief.
“Good, that’s- good.” his voice was rough and for a moment you didn’t say a word, appreciating to just hear him breath calmly on the other line. It always managed to soothe you down.
“(Y/n)-” he started speaking, wanting to say something but you spoke before him.
“I’m sorry. I’m-” you cleared your throat “I’m sorry, I am the one that called and I’m not saying a thing.” you laughed nervously “Man, hormones really mess me up.” you mumbled.
“How is it by the way?” his voice softened so much, changing in tone, in a way that warmed your heart.
“Good, it’s healthy as it can be. I uh-” you bit your lip “I know that you’re in a hunt and all and I can understand if you’re busy and don’t have the time to talk but-”
“No” he rushed to say, cutting you off effectively “I- For you, I have all the time in the world. It’s- it’s easy, we’ve got a hold of it anyway. Simple salt and burn.”
“Oh uh good. It makes this easier then.” you nodded your head, even if he couldn’t see you, as your eyes cast down to your hand and the single ring he had gifted to you before you left them “I just- I wanted to ask if you had any time to, I don’t know, swing by. I- I went to the doctor today and I’ve got some news too. That’s just… if you want to and can, that is.” you ended up mumbling as there was a small pause on the other side.
“You did huh?” you could hear the bitterness in his voice, he clearly wanted to be there for you but you weren’t like all conventional couples to do that. Hell, were you even one to begin with? You knew of the feelings, deep and strong feelings, that you shared at this point but given the past you didn’t know what to call this.
“Yeah and uh I just thought that you’d probably want to… come see your daughter too, I mean she must have certainly missed her daddy’s voice.” you said with a small smile, shrugging even if again he couldn’t see it.
“Sh-she?” he breathed out shakily “It’s- it’s a girl?” he breathed out in utter shock and you heard something falling on the other line as well as more shuffling.
“Yeah, that she is. She’ll just be daddy’s princess after all.” you said with a grin as you heard him laugh.
“A girl. She’s- She’s gonna- wow.” he breathed out shakily and you could picture him, eyes glossy and mouth hanging agape as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Figured you should know.” you whispered “And you know-” you chuckled “She took her first photos today too! I thought… you’d like to see that?” you asked with a small smirk.
“Hell yeah I would!” you heard him say, the grin evident in his voice, and a giggle left your lips when you heard his laugh “I’m- I’m on my way, I’ll be there as fast as I can. You- You can tell Cas he can come help with the case too, yeah?”
“Sure thing, he’s ready to jump in any minute. Seems like babysitting a hormonal pregnant mess isn’t so appealing after all.” you said with a chuckle.
“Great, that’s great.” he said a little breathlessly, laughing in between “And just- tell her I’m coming, that her dad will be there soon. Tell her-” he almost choked for a moment “Tell her I love her.” you could hear his voice laced with emotion and you smiled, leaning back in the couch as you rubbed your belly softly.
“You’ll tell that to her from up close.” you whispered “We’ll be waiting for you.” you said gently before holding the phone for a moment and hanging up.
The man lowered his phone, staring at the screen until his brother decided to break his trail of thoughts. Not that he was thinking much, no, his mind was blank but his heart was beating rapidly inside his chest and he he didn’t know what to feel.
“A girl?” the other Winchester breathed out and the man nodded his head.
“It’s a girl.” he choked out, tears welling up in his eyes as the other man broke into a huge grin himself.
“That’s- that’s amazing! Congratulations man!” he didn’t miss a beat to stride to his brother and envelope him in a tight hug, patting his back.
“Go” he breathed out in addition “No, your daughter is waiting for you. She’s a female Winchester, she’s not gonna be easy to handle!
“Don’t think you’re off the hook uncle!” he laughed, patting his brother’s arm who just nodded his head with a wide smile and tears in his own eyes.
“Oh no I’m not, and I love it!” there was clear excitement in his voice, mixing with happiness, and it all shone on his face and smile. But behind all of it there was a pang in his chest and a flash of pain in his eyes as it all became bittersweet. It only made his smile flutter for a split second but he shook it off, not wanting it to show when he saw pure bliss in his brother’s eyes. He was going to be happy… in due time.
You felt your heart leap to your throat the moment you heard the doorbell ring. You almost dropped your food in the process.
You shook your head “Acting like a freaking schoolgirl again, (Y/n), real smooth.” you muttered “And to think you’re having a kid with the man.” you sighed as you pushed yourself off your seat and made your way to the door. Another knock was heard and you tried to swallow the lump in your throat. It had only been two weeks since you last saw him, talked to him on the phone in the meanwhile of course, but it wasn’t the same and it made you feel like it was an eternity.
“Coming!” you said and the knocking stopped. You finally took hold of the doorknob and opened it to face the man on the other side. Your shoulders fell and you let out the breath you’d been holding.
“Hey” you whispered and he gave you a small smile.
“Hey” he said back, his eyes roaming your face.
“Wanna come inside?” you asked with a giggle, realizing you’d been standing there for some time.
“Oh uh yeah.” he cleared his throat, smiling somewhat awkwardly “Sorry”
“No it’s- it’s fine.” you shook your head “So you want something to drink or eat?”
“No I’m- I’m ok.” he shook his head “You-” his eyes roamed your figure, a small awestruck smile on his face “You look-”
“Huge?” you asked with a giggle and his smile turned into a bright grin.
“I’d say stunning.” he breathed out and you felt heat rise to your cheeks “But I guess you could say that too, although it only adds to it.” he shrugged, stuffing his hand in his jeans pockets.
“Thanks.” you whispered “Motherhood must look good on me I guess. And just wait till she grows a little bit more, I won’t be able to remember how my feet even look!” you chuckled as he laughed.
“No, (Y/n), everything is going to be alright. So what if you look like a balloon? You’re be the cutest one out there.” he shrugged and you bit your lip.
“Always so smooth.” you said with a smirk “Come on, sit.” you motioned for the couch as you sat next to him without even realizing it.
“Keeping the wardings up, I see.” he said with a soft smile, looking around.
“Yeah, I’m trying to make it blend in with the rest of the stuff, hoping they might pass as art, but every hunter can easily spot them.” you shrugged “I went for normal but definitely still safe. I’m- I apologize, I’m guessing you must be tired. I just made you drive all the way here and-” you rubbed your arm nervously “I probably shouldn’t have. I could just-”
“No” he rushed to cut you off softly “No, (Y/n), I- I wanted to. I came here because I wanted to…” his eyes trailed lower to your stomach, a fond smile forming on his lips “To see my daughter.” he chuckled, as if he still couldn’t believe it “I wanted to see my baby girl, my little princess and her first photo. Wouldn’t miss that for anything in the world.”
“I’m- I’m sorry I didn’t call you when I went to the doc.” you mumbled, realizing it must have hurt him to miss such a moment.
His eyes locked with yours for a moment, a hint of sadness indeed there, until he smiled and shook his head “No, it’s ok. I guess-” he smiled slightly “Where are gonna be plenty of moments for her and I to spend together. And then I can spoil the heaven out of her.” he chuckled as you laughed.
“Of course you will.” you mumbled.
“Can- can I?” he asked slowly, extending a hand reluctantly towards your belly and you smiled fully at him.
“She’s your daughter as well. You don’t have to ask.” you shrugged, simply taking hold of his hand and placing it over your belly. A grin slowly spread on his lips as he went from his slightly frozen phase to a more relaxed one, rubbing his hand softly over your belly. You saw tears well up in his eyes as he leaned closer to you, his large hand over your belly rubbing soothing circles.
“She’s calm now but wait until she comes. She’s gonna be restless, eager to explore and ask questions. Running around and learning new things all the time.” you said and noticed how he got more emotional with each word of yours “Playing and laughing, living her life to the fullest. And of course ready to help others.”
“Compassionate, loving and caring.” he continued “Generous, sweet and beautiful. God, so beautiful. Just like her mother.” he breathed out, and once you looked up you noticed his eyes were fixed on you.
“And her father.” you whispered, not breaking eye-contact “Breath-taking smile, cute little nose, golden locks and sparkling curious… green eyes. So bright and heartwarming.”
“Come on, that’s not the truth.” he scoffed, rolling his head.
“What? No, Dean!” you exclaimed “I’m so telling you she’s gonna be an exact copy of you! And it will be the best thing ever.”
“She’ll have a lot of you too, though. I wish so bad she has a lot of you in her.” he breathed out and you grinned.
“We’ll see, we’ll probably have to put a bet on that. But I must warn you Dean, I never lose them!”
“Oh trust me I know!” he laughed “Can I tell you something?” he whispered as his laughter died out and you hummed.
“I lied to you. I didn’t come just because I wanted to see her. She was great part of the reason but- but I really wanted to see you as well. I wanted to, real bad.”
“Can I tell you something too then?” you whispered and he gave you a small nod.
“I lied to you too. I didn’t call just because of the ultrasound or gender, although I really wanted you to know. I just-” you licked your lips “I wanted to see you as well.” you looked down as he took hold of your hand “So so much.”
“We’re so terrible at it.” Dean whispered and you gave him a perplexed look.
“Lying” he breathed out before he cupped your face and pressed a tender kiss on your lips, making you smile and let out a sigh in content.