Author's note: Obviously, I do not own Private Practice, nor do I own Grey's Anatomy. I really felt as though Shonda hadn't done Addison's grieving any justice. All we saw was Addison grieve for one episode, which was mainly about Pete dying, and we barely saw Addison grieve. For now, it is a one-shot. I was going to make it into a story, but I can't think of anything else to really add, so it's a one-shot. However, if any of you wish for this to become an actual story, just let me know. Of course, I'll only make it a story, if I get more than one person, begging for this to be a story. And yes, this was my story on ff. Just decided to repost it here. Anyway. For now, it is a one-shot. Enjoy.
Her throat hurts. Her eyes are burning. Her mouth hurts so much, from trying to fake a smile on a day to day basis. She's tired of pretending she's alright, after a certain point. Because that's what she's doing. She's pretending that being with Jake, is the best thing in the world. She throws herself into trying to adopt Henry, and she swears to Jake that since their talk, everything is better. She assures him, that although it still hurts, that she's doing better. And he accepts that. Because he doesn't know her. He doesn't know her, the way Mark did. He doesn't know her at all. He thinks he knows her. He thinks that with just one glance, he can tell what her mood is. What he doesn't know, is that it's all an act.
He doesn't know how badly she's hurting. He doesn't know that she wishes she could have been on the plane, so she could have died with him. He doesn't know that all she wants, is to be with him. He doesn't know, that after they go to bed, she waits until he falls asleep, before going out onto the deck, and cries until she can no longer cry. She cries, until she is all cried out. She cries until every part of her is aching. She cries until her vision is blurry, and she can almost imagine Mark walking over to her, and wiping away her tears. And then just when she thinks that she can no longer cry, imagining him makes it hurt even more, and of course, the crying begins again. It's ridiculous. Every night, it's like that. And every night, Jake sleeps through the whole thing. He sleeps through it, and in the morning, when she wakes up in a less than cheerful mood, he doesn't think much of it. Jake feels as though he knows Addison. He thinks that she's not a morning person, hence the less than cheerful mood. He doesn't know her. He may be perfect. He may be just the guy who would never hurt her, but...he was no Mark.
She wanted Mark here. She wanted him to be alive, she wanted to jump into the unknown. She wanted to be afraid that he'd end up hurting her again. She wanted to feel afraid. She wanted to get into insane arguments with him, and then end up with his arms around her. She wanted his strong arms around her. In his embrace, she felt safe. She felt as if nothing would ever harm her. With Jake, it wasn't the same. He was perfect, he knew these things that would make her smile. He knew all the right things to say, to avoid arguments. He was a good father figure to Henry, and that makes her mind wander over to the unborn child she'd aborted. She wonders what life would be like, if she had chosen to keep the baby.
Everyone else believes that she has moved on. She accepts Jake's wedding proposal, and he ends up as Henry's adoptive father. Life couldn't be any better. Except, it could. This wasn't the life she wanted. She was settling, because in her heart, she knew she'd never get what she wanted. Charlotte, Violet, and all her other friends, they believe that Addison's fine. They buy her act. But Naomi and Savy? Upon their arrival to Los Angeles, they don't buy it. They pull her aside, and ask her if she's sure she wants to do this.
"I'm sure." She says in an overly cheerful tone, smiling so much, that her mouth began to hurt.
She's trying to be happy, but this was not the wedding she wanted. Her life hadn't turned out the way she'd wanted it to go.
If only she had gone back to New York with Mark. If only she hadn't run off to Los Angeles. If only she hadn't slept with Karev. If only she had given Mark a real chance. Because to her, if she had gone back to New York, Mark would still be alive. And she blames herself. She blames herself for Mark's death. She feels as though her acts of stupidity caused Mark to go down the path he did, and caused him to die. And she can't help but feel the guilt, day after day.
She knows that she can't blame herself for how things had gone. Anyone would tell her that some things just aren't meant to be. But she knows, that she was in love with Mark, and she still is. She knows, that she could have gone back to New York with him. She knows that she should have admitted to Mark that her marriage was over, and then gone back to New York with him.
She could have been Mrs. Sloan.
She could have had two or three children with him.
They could have been arguing about who would make dinner and who would watch the kids during that time.
They could have been married for ten years, maybe fifteen. They could have been married for a long time. She could have worn the white dress.
She could have had a future with Mark. She could have...
All the things that she could have done, she hadn't done. All the things that she felt she should have done, she hadn't. Instead, she had let Mark walk away, and when she was finally ready, he had moved on completely. He had fallen in love with someone who wasn't her. He saw someone else as the future Mrs. Sloan, and he saw someone else, as the mother of his children. She had waited too long, and now he was gone. He was gone forever, and she was never going to see him again.
She couldn't go to Seattle, and say hello. She couldn't go to New York, hoping he'd be at a Yankee's game. She wouldn't be able to stare at him and the new love of his life, with jealousy. She could have handled that. Because at least, he would have still been her Mark. He would have still been alive. He would have still been there, anytime she needed him.
He was her best friend. She'd always felt closer to Mark, than to Derek, and now, there was nobody. Sure, she had Sam, and Naomi, and Savy, and Derek, and Callie, all the people that had been really close to Mark, but it wasn't the same. She wanted Mark. She wanted him to give her advice. She wanted him to be standing here. To make his dirty jokes, and to flirt with random women. She wanted to see that smirk. She wanted to hear his voice. She wanted to see his eyes. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, and have one dance with him.
She didn't want to let go. She didn't want to just...believe that he was gone. She was mad at the entire world. She was mad. She hadn't been told about the funeral, she hadn't been told anything, until it was too late. She hadn't said goodbye. She hadn't been able to say goodbye. She hadn't been able to go to the funeral, because nobody had told her when it was. How was she just supposed to move on, to a new man? To a new man, that wasn't Mark? How was she just supposed to pretend that everything was alright? How was she just supposed to go on living, and breathing, as if Mark had never existed.
She could pretend.
She wanted to pretend that he was alive, and just on vacation. As childish as that sounded, at least it was somewhat comforting.
"Addison, are you ready?" a voice calls out, and she smooths down her wedding dress, making her way over to the door, and pulls it open, to find Savy and Naomi standing there.
Her mouth opens, and nothing comes out. Because she finds herself wanting to escape. She wants to run away. She wants to go as far as she possibly can. She wants to make the pain go away. She wants it all to go away. She's not ready.
She's not ready to let go.
She's not ready to move on with another man.
She's not ready for a life without Mark Everett Sloan. And so the redhead pushes her way past her friends, and she begins to run. She runs as fast as she can. She leaves the hotel. She knows that Amelia, or Naomi, or Savy have Henry. But she runs. She runs away from tthis hellhole, otherwise known as her life. She runs, because she's tired of her fucked up life. She's gotten a divorce, so many failed relationships, her mother had committed suicide, her brother had almost died. All she wanted, was to escape this lifestyle. And running, seems to be the only way to do that. So she runs. She heads into the limousine, and instructs the driver to go to the airport, as quickly as he can. Because she's tired of this life. She's not ready for a life without Mark. She's not ready to be forced to move on. She isn't ready for any of that yet.