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Two Pieces of a broken heart

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The first time it happens he manages to convince himself it was a dream. That Derek's lips hadn't really been pressed against his own, that the alpha hadn't been practically sobbing as he clung to Stiles in relief. It was just a dream.
That doesn't stop him from avoiding Derek. Hell he is even more inclined to stay away from the slightly psychopathic werewolf than before. So he hides out in his room for a week, ignores the way his hands trace his lips randomly and the hardness in his pants every time he starts to daydream about green eyes, scruffy hair and warm rough hands.
The second time is a mistake. Caitlin had asked him about liking boys, and instantly his mind was filled with images of Derek and he had to know, had to make sure that he wasn't going mad. That all his daydreams were not him losing his teanious grip on reality. So when everyone was finding Lydia and searching for Ethan he was in Dereks bedroom pressing the man against the wall and swallowing his moans. The room was barely light enough to see by but he didn't have to see. He could feel everything he needed to know. Could feel the way Derek was shifting against him in an attempt to be the one in control, his hands twisted in Stiles' shirt and his sweat trailing down his olive skin under the younger mans hands. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, feel the restriction of his breath every time he thought of pulling away. The way his jeans were to tight and he needed them off. Now. But Derek was muttering something that sounded like stop. And he was pretty sure he had just heard the words statutory rape and so he stopped, backing up until he hit the door. Derek was just staring at him, his eyes blue and his chest heaving.
Muttering an apology he escapes, mind reeling and pulse going crazy because he was just kissing Derek Fucking Hale and he had been desperate for it. He'd basically forced himself on the guy and holy shit he was kissing Derek. The crazy guy who was at least five years his senior and he'd been thinking about having sex with him. Full on, pin me to the bed and make me scream your name till I stop breathing sex. The kind where clothes were ripped and he couldn't walk the next day. Which was just fucked because his Dad had arrested Derek, on Stiles advice. And that was not okay at all damn it.
The third time he was so loopy on pain medication that he didn't know what he was doing till he was pleading for Derek to just kiss him because he was sore god damn it and no one else would make it stop. So Derek did and it was the sweetest most powerful thing Stiles had felt since his Mom died and he stopped getting up early just to watch his Dad kiss her goodbye a little to needily. Because Derek was strong but he was holding himself in check, cupping Stiles' cheek in his rough hands and searching his cloudy eyes for assurance that this was okay. And then they were kissing and Stiles couldn't breathe and Derek was cradling him like he was breakable and maybe he was because it was him laying in the hospital with a tube in his nose that could not be any further from sexy if he tried but Derek was kissing him so perfectly. So much was being put into that kiss and he thought maybe he finally got it because it wasn't as if he had no air, he had to much. He was drowning in it and Derek was saving him, pulling him back to the surface and making it better with every movement of his lips. Because this was what he needed. And he needed it so damn much he was scared. So he stopped responding and pulled his hands out of Dereks hair. He was seventeen and he was scared so he was running. And Derek seemed to realise what had just happened because he backed off. His warmth was gone and he was gone too, leaving Stiles curled into a ball and trying to sort his mind out and even that made it worse because it was exactly what he needed because for the first time in his life he didn't want to talk it out. He just wanted to cry, he was seventeen and falling for a half crazed werewolf with more issues than anyone he had ever known and Stiles had thought he was straight up until six months ago. Had the biggest crush on Lydia. But this was worse. So much worse. Because he couldn't fix this, it was permenant and he knew running was the only option he had left. So he did.
The fourth time he had no excuse except Derek looked so fucking good in that leather jacket and his hands were all over Stiles' body and he wasn't thinking at all so he kissed him. Harshly, with a need that tore at his chest and hurt so damn good. And Derek stopped searching for the ash. And kissed him back. He knew it was a dirty trick but he had to. He was trying to protect him. Protect everyone. It was the only thing to do and he hoped Derek would understand because he sure as hell didn't understand anything anymore except that he was kissing the Alpha werewolf he had fought against the whole way. And Derek was whimpering his name, in a way that made his head spin and his heart race. And his shirt was gone. And so was Dereks but he didn't care in the least. He needed this so damn much it wasn't funny anymore. He need Derek's breath against his ear as his tongue traced the vein in his neck. He needed to be the one forcing Derek towards the pile of pillows and blankets he called a bed. And if he threw the ash behind him willing it into a perfect circle around the box car than he did it to protect him. And when he was just in his boxer briefs and straining towards Derek that was fine too because Derek was distracted and he was being so very careful not to loose control and he was kissing Stiles exactly where he needed it and his mouth was moving further down till he just stopped thinking all together because Fuck. Regret was slower that time. It wasn't till he woke up, wrapped in Dereks arms and sore in the best way that he realised what had happened. He moved slowly and scooped all the ash back up, and left. He drives home a jittery mess because he lost his virginity to Derek Hale and he didn't know why he wasn't terrified of that but he just felt sad. Like he was losing something and he didn't know how to keep it anymore. So he parked in his driveway, stuffed his fist in his mouth and screamed. Screamed until his Dad came outside and carried him in and put him to bed. He was so lost and he had no clue what to do, no clue how to be who he was again because he was not that guy anymore. Now he was the guy who slept with a werewolf and begged for more. He was the person who fell for the bad guy and didn't even try to justify it. He was that guy, and he had no idea when that happened.

The fifth time was in the Camaro. They'd been arguing about something stupid and Derek just looked at him as if to say 'why don't you just say it' so he did and he didn't hold back. He was crying as he told him that he was in love with him and it was kind of like battered wife syndrome because Derek was bad. Like not just a bad idea bad but bad in the way that Stiles should be running the other way and not trying to find a way to be close to him every single day. Because he was. And he was. And it was the worst thing he had ever felt in his life to be the one who felt more. And to know that he wouldn't be happy without Derek.
And Derek just held him and whispered that he knew. And they would work it out. And he was kissing him. And it was messy and the worst kiss they'd ever had but he clung to Derek and when Derek wiped his tears and drapped that stupid freaking jacket over his shoulders he breathed in the scent of laundry soap, colonge and whatever earthy smell that was just so uniquely Derek that it made his head spin. Derek drove him home and they didn't speak. Getting out of the car Stiles thought they finally had it right and he smiles when Derek stopped him from leaving the car. Smiled when his lips were claimed in another desperate kiss that set his bones alight. Smiled when he was up in his room and realised he still had Dereks jacket on. And he was still smiling when Scott texted him that Derek was gone. He fell asleep in the jacket, tear marks on his face and his heart shattering in his chest.
The sixth time he had been staring out his window at nothing. And then his Dad is calling him down because its graduation day and he's been trying so hard to stay sane the whole year and someone thought it would be cool to make him valedictorian. Which was a fucking joke really. He was not destined for greatness, he was destined for life, life wishing he was somewhere else, anywhere else so long as Derek was there. It didn't matter that he had only gotten one text off the alpha all year, asking him to stop texting, calling, emailing because it was a mistake. It was like he was dying of a disease and the only cure was miles away forgetting everyone from here. He went through the motions but he was barely there. The purr of an engine has him looking back out the window and catching his breath. Parked across the street is a familiar Camaro, and leaning against it the only person who he has wanted for the last twelve months. Without a thought he sprints out of the room and down the stairs, past his dad and out the front door. He can hear his dad calling him back, but all he can think is Derek is back. He's standing out the front as if nothing happened and god damnit Stiles missed him. Missed arguing and trading sarcastic quips. Missed the few times they would look up and meet each others eyes and his pulse starts rushing. So he knows it's not his fault when he crashes into Dereks chest, wrapping arms around his neck. His name drops from his lips and its like he can breathe again because its Derek and he's here, here with Styles and that means something even after months of solitude. So its okay when Derek kisses him over and over again. And its okay that his dad is watching slack jawed on the stoop because Derek came. And it's okay when Derek tells him he is sorry. Because Stiles gets it. They've both been trying to figure this out. Trying to get their minds sorted. So its okay because for the first time in months Stiles gets it. He gets all of it and he knows that Derek won't run again. He knows it deep in his soul because Derek needs him and he needs Derek. So he kisses him, and this time he doesn't regret it.