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What If?

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Chapter 1: Hey - He's Better than Binns

Professor Riddle: The History Professor's Breakdown

Professor Riddle, long known as the deranged History Professor at Hogwarts, burst into the Great Hall, a smile on his face. The smile, didn't suit him, neither did the muggle clothes.

"You are all awesome."

Had it been any other teacher, bar Snape, it would probably be a compliment. Coming from Professor Riddle, it made even the bravest of students want to crawl and hide, scared for their life.

When the History of Magic lesson came around, only 10 out of 30 students showed up. They were Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle, and Daphne Greengrass.

Professor Riddle was snoring away at the Teacher's table so they decided to engage themselves in a game of truth or dare, not bothering to wake up their teacher.

30 minutes later and it was basically just Dare, Dare, or Dare. Hermione had been tasked with stealing a book from the Library's restricted section, kicking Filch's dirty little cat and kissing Professor Snape on the lips, tongue and all. Harry had to give Daphne a lap dance and throw dungbombs into Filch's office. Ron had to start a elf food fight in the kitchens, start a flash mob, and barf on Professor Umbridge. Draco had to write to his father stating that he had fallen in love with a goat, tell Professor McGonagall that he was as gay as Dumbledore and had kiss Myrtle. Neville, Pansy and Daphne all had to flood the dungeons, smack Dumbledore for 'Just Being Too Damn Awesome' and braid Professor Sinistra's hair. Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle had to exocise Peeves, kiss the Giant Squid and ask Hagrid to marry them (which Hagrid kindly refused)

Near the end of the lesson, about 5 minutes left, Professor Riddle woke up, told them that their homework would be to write about what they had done, due the following class. They were all done right as the bell rang.

He didn't pay any attention to the 1st year students, but told them to read about the Chamber of Secrets and explain why the hell the entrance is in the girl's bathroom and what the chamber's primary defense is. He started to see what they had done, tears piling up as he read the essays, and realized just how much fun they had had without them.

He dismissed his class late for lunch and stormed into the Great Hall screaming.


"You know, I've always said Riddle was deranged, this just proves it."

"I think we've all known this for years."

"Even though he's a teacher, even I have to say that if he hadn't become a teacher, he probably would of the Next Dark Lord."

"If he had, I bet he'd get 2 Special Services to the School. One for killing Myrtle. The other for accepting that he needs psychiatric help."

"Ron, there isn't a psychiatric hospital fit enough to contain Tom Riddle."

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Chapter 2: Everyone Wins! Except for Voldy

If Harry and Cedric were thinking the night of the 3rd Task...

When they touched down after grabbing the Tri-Wizard Cup, they took in their surroundings at once. "Did anyone tell you that the cup was a frickin' Portkey?" asked Cedric.


"Think this a part of the task?"

"Absolutely not."

"Reckon we should blow this popsicle stand?"

"Do you even need to ask?"


They walked over to where the cup had fallen. Right before touching it, they saw a man carrying a bundle. When the "baby" saw what they were doing, it yelled "KILL THEM!" Cedric simply said "See ya later shit lords!" before grabbing on, Harry doing the same.

He was so glad that Harry had introduced the Champions to the Muggle World and the Yogscast. And of course, YouTube.

Later that day, Voldemort could be found cursing everyone and everything while drinking buckets of firewhiskey at a time. "DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM AND THAT THEY WERE LOGICALLY THINKING! DAMN THE WORLD! DAMN THE HORCRUXES! DAMN NAGINI AND MOST OF ALL, DAMN YOU PETTIGREW!"

So Voldemort had Wormtail destroy all of the Horcruxes because what was the point of having them if you couldn't even get a body? Potter wouldn't be foolish again, now would he?

However, after the Horcruxes he knew about had been destroyed, the Killing Curse didn't work on him because of Harry's retched scar still having a piece of his soul residing in him. Harry had already told them that ol' Voldy was slightly depressed.

Of course everyone expected him to get out of his funk sooner or later so they created him a body and he "accidentally" blew up when he drowned in the cauldron. And somehow, the Horcrux in Harry's scar was depressed too and somehow destroyed itself.

Most of the Wizarding World never had to hear the name Voldemort had created again and Harry and Cedric became as close as brothers.

Sirius was cleared of all charges when Pettigrew turned himself in for not logically thinking.

It was a win-win for everyone but Voldemort.

Ron and Hermione got to together, Cho and Cedric, Ginny and Harry, Luna and Neville, Sirius and Amelia, Draco and Astoria, Pansy and nobody.

Life was good.

Therefore, Happily Ever After!

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Chapter 3: Nineteen Hogwarts Champions

It was the night everyone had been waiting for. Unknown to them, the TriWizard Tournament would soon have more than 3 people playing.

"Representing Durmstrang Institute of Wizardry is Viktor Krum!" Viktor stood up front and center behind Albus Dumbledore as he called the names. There was clapping but it was halfhearted for most.

"Representing Beauxbatons Academy for Ladies, is Fleur Delacour!" All the men in the room were clapping and the woman were slapping their men.

"And finally- representing Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Cedric Diggory!" The Hufflepuffs clapped loudly and the other house clapped, just not quite as loudly.

"I see that we have our ch-" started Mr. Bagman. The Goblet flared up again and Dumbledore snatched the paper from the air. "Representing the Salem Academy for Witches- Harry Potter!" The Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs burst out in laughter and Ron said "Harry, I thought you didn't enter.", slapping his shoulder. "I didn't, and certainly not under that school!"

"Zis is en outrage! Ogwarts cannot af too champions!" cried Madame Maxime. Professor Karkaroff nodded in agreement. "I'm afraid that until the Goblet stops spewing out names, I cannot do anything. Representing the Marauders School for Pranks and Mischief... Fred Weasley!"

Madame Maxime and Karkaoff stomped their feet so show their frustration but remained silent as the Goblet had given a new name.

"Representing the School of Magical Logic, Hermione Granger!" Hermione looked like Christmas had come early and she did some weird jig up to the front.

"Representing the School for- House Elves, yes I am reading that correctly, is Dobby!" Dobby popped in and said "I got in?" Dumbledore nodded gravely but Dobby, not caring a shit, yelled "I GOT IN!" And went to stand in the front with the others.

"Representing the School for Magical Bouncing Ferrets, Draco Malfoy!" While 3 of the Houses were clutching their stomachs in peals of laughter, Slytherin was congratulating him on his success.

"Representing the School for Rare Magical Creatures, Luna Lovegood!" Ravenclaw clapped politely as Luna ran up to the front. All of her friends cheered for her.

"Representing the Quidditch Academy for Girls, Cho Chang!" Cho screamed in excitement. All her friends and all the Quidditch Teams congratulated her except for a few Slytherins.

"Representing the Institution for the Care and Research of Magical Plants, Neville Longbottom!" All of Gryffindor cheered as he walked up to the front.

"Representing the Academy for Wizard's Pets, Trevor!" Pure and Utter silence that was cut with a RIBBET!

"Representing the Acadmey for Magical Photography, Colin Creevy!" Some of Gryffindor cheered while others politely clapped, not wanting him to get hurt.

"Representing the School of Fame,

Zacharias Smith!" Some Hufflepuffs cheered while others didn't because not a lot of people liked him very well.

"Representing the School for Dragons- that's interesting, it's a former student from here... Charlie Weasley!" The redhead burst in the hall and yelled, "Didja miss me?" To most of Gryffindor who replied in cheers.

"Representing the Quidditch Academy for Boys, it's Oliver Wood!" The Quidditch Team started jumping up and down and started reciting, by heart:

Okay men- and Women!

This is it! The big one.

The one we've been waiting been waiting for!

"Representing the School for Snobbishness and Big-Headedness, Percy Weasley! What a big surprise! Yet an another student that sadly no longer attends Hogwarts to pursue their career elsewhere."

"I'm actually not surprised he got it. The Goblet knows it's stuff." Said a very random student.

"Representing the Academy for Delivery Owls, Hedwig!" Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, Luna, and a few others clapped.

"Representing the School for Kneazles, Crookshanks!" The Orange furred feline came rushing in.

Madame Maxime moaned "When will it stop!"

"Representing the School for The Magical Culinary Arts, Ronald Weasley!" Ron jumped in the air.

"I haven't heard of half of these schools! Who are your Headmasters/Headmistresses?" asked Karkaoff.

Going down the list, Harry said "Alastor Moody."

"Remus Lupin"

"Severus Snape"


"My Father, Lucius Malfoy"

"My Daddy!"

"Gwenog Jones"

"Pompoa Sprout"

"RIBBET!" Umbridge

"Dennis Creevy"

"Gilderoy Lockhart"


"Angelina Johnson"

"George Weasley"

"SCREECH!" Fawkes

"MEOW!" Mrs. Norris

"Molly Weasley"

Madame Maxime and Igor Karkaroff, stormed out, outraged.

"And a wonderful Hogwarts prank solved. The Champions will be Viktor Krum, Fluer Delacour and Cedric Diggory."

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edwardianfred: So, a quidditch match at Hogwarts, right? Slytherin vs. Gryffindor (yeah, yeah obvious, I know, shut up) And all of a sudden there's STAMP STAMP CLAP from the Gryffindor muggleborns start singing/screaming WE WILL ROCK YOU across the pitch to the Slytherins. And theres a little pause while the muggleborn Slytherins (you know those f*ckers are there, don't deny it) have a really speedy chat, and then they retaliate with WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?! And the wizards are just standing there like what the f*ck is going on?

You have your normal Quidditch matches, your semi-normal Quiddtich matches and then you have your fight-to-the-death Quidditch matches. It's Gryffindor and Slytherin in this one, so try and guess which one this is. Hint, if you chose the first two, you are WRONG!

It might have been a semi-normal, at least until the singing started. And it wasn't Weasley is Our King because Malfoy was trying to get music for it.

Then, out of literately nowhere, the muggleborn Gryffindors started to sing:

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yo' face
You big disgrace
Kickin' your can all over the place

We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!

The beat was simple enough, just the STOMP, STOMP, CLAP that you could usually hear. The Slytherin muggleborns (which actually existed, surprising enough) could be seen conversing with each other very quickly before they started up a beat as well.

Who let the dogs out
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}
{Woof, woof, woof, woof}

Everyone who did not know basically anything about the muggle world (Pure-bloods and some half-bloods raised in just the magical world) had the same looks of confusion on there faces, wondering what the hell was going on between the two groups of muggleborns.

The game eventually ended up being a tie, which nobody was too happy about.

niffernotniffox: An advanced muggle studies class delving into popular muggle culture like televison shows and internet memes. Muggleborns take it just so they can stay caught up on Doctor Who.

Hermione Granger was on her hands and knees pleading with Professor McGonagall. "PLEASE LET ME TAKE IT!"

"I'm sorry Miss Granger, but as you dropped the class in third year, trying for a NEWT in this class, without taking the OWLs for it, it's just not possible.

"What if I take the OWLs now for it?"
"I'll see what I can do."

"THANK YOU!" she said, running out of McGonagall's office. She ran through the corridors screaming "I CAN WATCH DOCTOR WHO AGAIN!"

And several people made the mistake of asking who Doctor Who was.

teacupwarrior: imagine that at the beginning of Dumbledore's speech at the beginning of the year he asks if anyone has any questions and a first year muggleborn raises his hand, whips out his smartphone and asks for the wifi password. And then Dumbledore just casually says "Sherbet lemon" with a capital S, and commences the feast like it's no big deal while the non-muggleborns think wifi is some sort of secret society.

"Now, are there any questions?"

A first year muggle-born Hufflepuff raised his hand and Dumbledore called on him. "Sir, what's the wifi password?" pulling out his smartphone that his parents had given to him before coming to Hogwarts. All the muggleborns who had smartphones pulled them out, even Hermione. "That would be sherbet lemon, with a capital S."

You could hear the keyboards clicking away. "I thought electronics didn't work at Hogwarts." Harry said. "I asked Professor Flitwick and Dumbledore to set up a ward I found. It enables muggle electronics to be used."

"Finally! I am so happy that I brought my laptop!" Harry cheered, writing down Sherbert lemon on a piece of parchment.

Around them, people were whispering, trying to figure out what wifi was.

(Headcanon Author Unknown) A Ravenclaw pureblood catching some muggleborns trying to say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards and thinks it some kind of weird secret spell. A week later, the muggleborns get approached by the Ravenclaw because he can't get the 'spell' to work, and he wants to know where they found it. To aid their explaination to the Ravenclaw pureblood, the muggleborns end up singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

"Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!" cried one. "NO! It's Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!"

"You're going to put someone's eye out. It's SuoicodilaipxecitsiliGARFILcrepus! Not SuoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilaCREPUS!" said one, quoting Hermione.

"Must be some weird spell." said a passing Ravenclaw. She noted that they were waving there wands around in a complicated pattern and she analysied each one of them. "Seems easy enough."

A week later...

"Hey, can you tell me where you got that really weird spell?" she asked. "Penelope, we... you know what? A one. A two. A one two three!"

It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious

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Chapter 5: The Great Hogwarts Flash Mob of 1995

The Greatest Hogwarts Flash-Mob...Ever

Hermione Granger was sitting in Charms class when the idea hit her like a dumb-bell. The Sorting Hat had warned everyone to band together, and considering that they were under the rule of the tyrant Umbridge (who, in Hermione's opinion, should be the picture in the dictionary for the word 'bitch'). Honestly, with her parents showing her movies like 'Pitch Perfect', 'Teen Beach Movie', 'Grease' and 'Descendants', it was hard to not realize that a musical flash-mob in a riff-off style, first one to drive Umbridge insane wins, would be the perfect way to get everyone to cooperate, and help take down Umbridge. Maybe a Defense club would have been the more influential way but she doubted that the whole school would participate.

So when she got back to the common room after charms, she was noticably quiet, as she was thinking of which songs. The notice boards would be the best way to spread it around and a charmed piece of parchment would ensure that the Teachers would never catch wind of it as nobody over the age of 18 could read it and those who could, would find themselves unable to tell any teachers about it. She thought the idea was quite genius.

Now, how to spread the idea through Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and even, dare she say it, Slytherin? The muggleborns in those houses would be a great help. She could use some help for Slytherin. Maybe Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis from her study group?

She smirked. She had the perfect plan.

When she went to check the sign up sheet, she saw out of the 200 Gryffindor students, 197 had chosen to sign up. The three who didn't were Apostolos Sanna (the weird 4th year kid who lived in Greece all his life before moving to England 5 years ago, who's name meant "Hay Messenger"), Vlasta Kohout (A 1st year who was born in Czechoslovakia but moved to England 6 months after she was born, her name meant "Rooster Rule") and Sanna Lindberg (who was Swedish and her name oddly meant "True Lime Tree Mountain". Basically it was everyone who had very weird names.

She collected the lists from Hufflepuff (and was pleased that everyone had signed up, even the Head Girl), Ravenclaw (where only Marrietta Edgecombe didn't sign up), and Slytherin (where she was pleased to see that everyone but Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and, shockingly, Blaise Zabini).

She handed out the appropriate songs and choreography to Justin Finch-Fletchley, Tracey Davis, and Mandy Brocklehurst. While they weren't as close as most people were, she knew them well from her study group and could trust them.

"See you Halloween." they all stated, before leaving for their common rooms. "It's going to be pretty fun."

Before the Halloween feast started, Hermione could be found pacing in her costume. All the costumes that people were wearing were charmed to where they would look like regular robes until it was time for the flash-mob. Surprisingly enough, it was Lavender who was able to calm her down. "You've done a great job, Hermione. I don't think any of this would be possible without you."

"Thanks Lavender."

"Hey, Gryffindors are family, blood related or not, you're my sister."

At this, Hermione hugged her, tightly, like a sister.

Lavender then said, "Come on, we've got a feast to dance at."

"It's been a wonderful 2 months so far, and I'm very glad to say that I feel like we've improved-" was what Professor Umbridge was saying to open the feast. Everyone who was pissed off with her (which was everyone, even Dumbledore) rolled her eyes at her. Discretely.

After 15 minutes, while many were munching away on their treacle tart, the music started, and the opening number with the Slytherins, "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj (Hermione thought a dance as appaling as this one would start the flash-mob off with the desired shock). It was led by Millicent Bulstode and Pansy Parkinson and 8 others, including Tracey Davis, Daphne Greengrass, and Astoria Greengrass. They copied most of what was happening during the first minute of the video. They were dressed in the same outfit that was worn for the beginning.

After they were finished, all the teachers were appalled at the proactive dancing that had just occurred. They all sat down as if nothing happened. Umbridge was the first to speak, "30 points from Slytherin, and quite honestly, it should be more. All of you will have detention with me tomorrow for 1 week." None of them cared, even if they had to use the torturous quill.

The next number was the 7th year Slytherin boys against the 7th year Gryffindor girls. They started to sing songs from the Pitch Perfect riff-off, like "Hey Mickey", "Like a Virgin", "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and then the more inappropriate songs. The Hufflepuff 7th years did "Like a Virgin".

Then the 199 members of Ravenclaw started singing "ABC" by the Jackson 5 and did it in a Glee fashion.

All the houses lost points from Umbridge but with so many, she couldn't give out detention to all of them. At this point, all the teachers were smiling. But soon, the numbers ran out and it caused people to start improvising. All of Gryffindor got up and sang "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, and the 5th year Hufflepuffs started to sing "Voldemort is Going Down". The 1st years started to sing a weird mash up of the Gummy Bear song and Peanut Butter Jelly Time. The Slytherins started singing "Dark Lord Funk". The Hufflepuffs sang "Loser Like Me" from Glee. The whole school sang "Ganguam Style".

In the end, Umbridge was in such a rage that her face was swelled purple. "EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED IN THESE SILLY DANCES HAS LOST 50 POINTS FOR THEIR HOUSE." she promptly passed out. She was muttering and ended up having to go to St. Mungos.

The whole school won the contest and Hermione was presented with a Special Services to the school for overcoming the House Boundries. Every house was gifted 100 points per student, racking the points so high, it was well over the hundred thousands.

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Chapter 6: Muggles Have Their Uses Sometimes

Voldemort had just killed Lily Potter. Now, he was going to kill her son.

But, as she was quite exceptional in charms, and probably found a way to kill him if he tried to kill her son, she probably found some type of ancient spell or something.

He raised his wand at the crying child. No... he rather not be reduced to a shadow.

He leviated the child, with a quick Windgardium Leviosa! and opened the window with his free hand. They were up two stories, and there was absolutely no chance of a 15 month old baby surviving that fall.

He canceled the charm, and Harry Potter fell, down to the crown, screaming. He grinned wickedly. Who knew that a muggle way of doing things, would actually bring and end to his possible nemesis?

He walked out of the house, grabbing a knife (just in case), and walked over to the fallen child. It was still, and it's head was leaking blood. It had fallen on a stone, right on the edge.

He conjured a piece of parchment, and left a note, before stabbing it with the knife.

This is what happens, when you don't join Lord Voldemort.

I offered them the chance to join me, as I do everyone. If you don't want this to happen to you, I suggest you accept my offer. Escepecially if you want your family name to survive.

A few years later, Voldemort had won, and became Minister of Magic.

He was happy, because a little common sense, even if meant using crude, muggle ways, could go a far way.

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Chapter 7: Voldemort: The Hero

Harry kept on turning to the door.

Umbridge noticed this of course, and asked - "Mr. Potter... why do you keep on looking at the door?"

"I'm waiting for Voldemort to arrive ma'am."

Hermione shouted incredulously, "Did you just show respect to a toad?"


"Good!" shouted Draco. "Nobody likes that bitch anyways." Apparently, he knew what was about to happen.

"Voldemort is dead." replied Umbridge. "He cannot show up on the grounds even if he was alive."

"Just go and crush my dreams, why don't ya?" Harry said, pouting and crossing his arms furiously. Suddenly the door flung open, with Voldemort wearing a very disturbing Santa dress and hat and was carrying a giant candy cane as a walking stick.

"You better watch out and hide in a hole, cuz I'll reach down your throat and swallow your soul, Voldemort is coming to town!"

That's when things got interesting. Not that it wasn't already interesting, it just got more interesting.

"AVADA KEDVARDA!" yelled Voldemort, pointing the candy cane at Umbridge, who just looked in shock at Voldemort. She dropped to floor dead, and everyone cheered.

Basically from that point on, Voldemort was announced a temporary hero at Hogwarts, he shook hands with Dumbledore and Harry agreed not to call him Tom until after New Years.

And Umbridge was dead.

And they were happy.

Chapter Text

It was that awful time of year again.

The Yule Ball.

Apparently, the Hogwarts Staff didn't learn anything from Fourth Year's Yule Ball. So they decided You know what? Let's torture everyone by doing it again!

And this time, they were picking the dates.

Yeah. Idiotic.

But apparently teachers wanted to play matchmaker and were determined to get their favorite couples together.

And then the Ministry of Magic got involved and said that they were enacting a marriage law - and anyone who had the misfortune of not getting their preferred date was going to be stuck with that person after graduation for the rest of their lives.

Apparently, the Ministry wanted to play matchmaker too.

And, to increase the anxiety levels, you didn't know who you were going with, until you got to the ball and they announced it to the entire populace.

Every fifth year and older was to go.

So this is why, everyone was in their dress robes, pulling at the very uncomfortable clothes in an effort to be comfortable.

Tough luck, bitches.

"Alright! Listen up! We shall now announce the wonderful new couples!" A cheerful blonde ministry employee said. "Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley!"

That relationship would end divorce.

"Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom!"
That would last. Most likely forever too.

"Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!"


The platinum blond and raven haired teens fainted, most likely gaining a concussion in the process.

"Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas."

OTP, much?

"Ginny Weasley and Blaise Zabini!"

At least it was one of the nicer Slytherins?

"Lavender Brown and Vincent Crabbe!" The two ghosts huffed in annoyance.

Some people awed. One shouted, "THE TWO DEAD ONES! A PERFECT PAIRING!"

"Pavarti Patil and Gregory Goyle." Pavarti wrinkled her nose in disgust.

This went on for a while.

Several tears happened. Rotten tomatos and other fruit and vegetables were thrown at the blonde.

The Marriage Law was later repealed.

Apparently some people couldn't handle the pairings and had mental breakdowns. Like Pansy Parkinson, when she paired with Millicent Bulstrode - apparently she was allergic to cats.

Theodore Nott didn't like being paired with Cho Chang. Apparently, she was too shallow for his tastes.

Though on the bright side, Dean and Seamus got married.

They were the only ones that did though, other than Hermione and Ron (But it ended with divorce!)

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The Great Hogwarts Flash Mob of 1976

Sirius Black absolutely loved Muggle London.

For one - his parents absolutely hated anything muggle related. Two - it was going through the greatest phase of all time. The Punk Phase. Sirius often hung out with his three best friends - James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew - in the many restaurants, and even bars that lined the streets.

And today, a week before they were to go back to Hogwarts - they were sitting in one of them. It had loud music, a lot of waiters and waitresses with neon colored hair and so many piercings, it probably wasn't too healthy for them. "Where's Peter?" asked Sirius as James and Remus sat down in the chairs Sirius had reserved for them.

"He's at home, sick. Apparently he won't be able to be at school for the first few weeks due to it." James said. "So our returning prank will just have to be pulled without him." He sighed. "But the thing is, I don't know what to do for it. Peter usually is the one who makes the comments that inspire our pranks. He's like the glitter in glitter glue."

"Well - you know that song that just came out by the Sex Pistols?" Sirius asked. "What if we started a flash mob for it. I'm sure if we send a letter to Professor Dumbledore, he'll allow us to do it. As long as we get a few more people in on it. Lily and Marlene may do it. Hestia will for sure, along with Andromeda. And with a little convincing, Narcissa may do it as well."

"Isn't she engaged to that bozo Malfoy?" James asked, wrinkling his nose. "She's like, thirteen, and Malfoy graduated five years ago."

"Well she isn't supposed to marry him until she's eighteen, so she hasn't been corrupted yet." Sirius replied. "Anybody from Hufflepuff, Remus?"

Remus thought for a second. "Ted Tonks maybe. Isn't he dating Andromeda?"

"Yes, and my parents eternally hate her for it." Sirius nodded. "I may be able to convince Regulus to do it, but only if I make sure that he's allowed to throw bright pink glitter glue on Severus."

James laughed - "Oh, hell yes. He can totally do it. Make sure I can do it too."

"I'll send the letter tonight. Make sure that you convince them to join!" Remus said. "James, you'll have Lily and Marlene. I'll get Hestia and Ted, we're in the same study group. Sirius you get to convince Andromeda, Narcissa, and Regulus - got that?"

"Affirmative." Sirius said. "Hey, waitress, can I have some brandy?"

"We are so lucky we got Dumbledore's permission." Remus muttered at the Feast. "Otherwise, we're dead."

"Relax Moony." Sirius replied. "We'll be fine. Remember - when he says that they'll be singing the Hogwarts song right before the feast - that's when we strike."

"I cannot wait for the sorting to be over with." James muttered. "They are finally in the Ls."

"Lawrence, Bryce." Minerva called. A boy with a mop of brown hair, pond scum green eyes. He had a crooked nose that looked broken, and for a eleven year old, his eyes were extremely cruel. His smile was almost twisted.

"That dude is Slytherin for sure," James wagered. "Ten galleons says that he is."

"I ain't going to take a bet that I know will be true." Sirius replied. "Seriously Prongs - that dude is screaming Slytherin. Not to mention 'Death Eater'."

"SLYTHERIN!" the Hat cried (almost screamed).

Ten minutes later, the last person - a hispanic looking dude with curly black hair and dark brown eyes. He had pointed ears, cheerful elf like face, a mischievous smile, was rather scrawny-looking, and looked like he was very, very hyperactive.

"Valdez, Leo."

"RAVENCLAW!" the Hat yelled, not even touching the kid's head.

"I welcome all of you to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore said. Five minutes later of the yearly speech, he said, "And now, let us sing the school song!"

Sirius, Remus, James, Lily, Marlene, Andromeda, Narcissa, Hestia, Ted, and Regulus all nodded and Sirius waved his wand, summoning the battery operated music player with numerous charms laid on it to ensure that the magic frequencies of Hogwarts wouldn't affect it.

A cheerful flute started playing from the music player as Sirius got up from his seat and started to sing. "It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you should have seen us, the figurehead was a whore in bed and the mast was a mammoth p*nis!"

James took over from that point and continued to sing. "The Captain of this lugger, He was a dirty bugger, he wasn't fit to shovel shit from one place to another!"

Sirius and James then sung the chorus. "Friggin' in the Riggin'! Friggin' in the Riggin'! Friggin' in the Riggin', there was f*ck all else to do."

Remus then stood on the table and sang, "The Captain's name was Morgan, by Christ he was a Gordon! Ten times a day sweet tunes he'd play on his f*cking organ!"

Lily then got up with Marlene and they both sang, "The First Mate's name was Cooper, by Christ he was trooper! He jerked and jerked until he worked himself into a stupor!"

Remus, Lily, and Marlene joined Sirius and James in singing the chorus. Andromeda and Ted sang the next stanza of the song - "The Second Mate was Andy, by Christ he had a dandy. 'Til they crushed his c*ck with a jagged rock for c*mming in the brandy!"

Narcissa was the next to sing (shocking everyone). "The Cabin boy was Flipper, he was a f*cking nipper. He stuffed his ass with broken glass and circumsized the skipper!"

Andromeda, Ted, and Narcissa joined the other five in singing the chorus when Hestia started to sing from her spot at the Ravenclaw table. "The Captain's wife was Mabel, to f*ck she was not able. So the dirty sh*ts nailed her t*ts across the barroom table!"

But nobody was more suprised than when Regulus, the rather shy twelve year old Slytherin (who should have had no knowledge of the song at all), began to sing. "The Captain had daughter, who fell in deep sea water. Delighted squeals revealed the eels had found her sexual quarters!"

Hestia and Regulus both started to sing the chorus, and while everyone was distracted, Regulus pulled out his secret weapon - glitter.

And he tossed it onto the Fifth Year Slytherin Prefect - Severus Snape.

All nine of them leaped off the tables just as the music was starting to fade away, and they all bowed.

And Minerva McGonagall was livid.

Chapter Text


The students were expecting many reactions. The Slytherins in particular were looking forward to what they believe was inevitable - angry screaming. Everybody else also believed that Lupin would have either a hurt expression on his face or an angry one. Nobody was expecting for him to be calmly eating his breakfast as he let the Howler scream it's mouth off, a resigned expression on his face, almost as if he deserved it.

Harry Potter hated it. Lupin didn't deserve this. So what if he was a werewolf? He was the greatest DADA teacher ever! Their last two ones were total losers, so it wasn't like there was much competition on that front, but their 4th thru 7th year DADA teachers would have a lot to live up to. So he decided that he wasn't going to let all the howlers Lupin received to be insults.

"I'll be right back. I gotta go do something. I'll be back in ten minutes, okay?"

Ron and Hermione nodded.

As he ran to the owlery, he pulled out a piece of parchment and used the charm that turned it bright red. He started to write as many compliments as he could on the parchment before he arrived in the owlery. He sent it off with a school owl and raced back to the Great Hall.

He arrived just in time for the Howler to arrive. Remus just sighed, and most of the teachers were glaring and scowling at Snape.


Remus looked shocked. The entire hall looked at the now crumbling howler in shock. Ron and Hermione turned to Harry.

"Harry, did you send a howler that compliments people?" Ron asked, gobsmacked.

Harry grinned. "Who, me?"


Remus smiled for the first time since parents had started sending their insult ridden Howlers.


By the time Friday rolled around, Remus was receiving compliments via Howler every ten minutes and it reverberated around the castle, which made classes often be interrupted. Some classes' classwork was just writing compliments for the professor.

Two weeks later, when school ended, somebody - nobody knew who it was - sent possibly the best compliment ever.


Sadly, that brought the end of Howlers to Teachers... but it did prevent more Howlers coming in.

Remus became the first teacher to teach for more than one year.

Chapter Text

"I believe, Lily, James, that the best way to protect you and Harry would to use the Fidelius Charm." Dumbledore said to the young couple as he handed them an old book.

"Fidelius?" Lily asked. "I've never heard of that charm before."

"It's an old charm." James said. "I think I read something about it in Potter Manor's library before."

"Secret Keeper?" Lily asked as she skimmed down the page. "Oh! The Secret Keeper is the only person that can tell people where the place protected by the Fidelius Charm is located. Nobody who hasn't been told by the Secret Keeper where the place protected by the Fidelius Charm cannot enter, nor can anyone who has been told by the Secret Keeper tell anybody where the place is. This sounds perfect. Why doesn't everyone do this charm?"

"Not everyone has the talent." Dumbledore replied. "You see, it takes someone who passed with at least an EE in their N.E.W.T.s."

"I can perform it. Who'll be our secret keeper?" Lily said.

"The secret keeper should always be somebody you can trust with your life." Dumbledore said.

"Sirius should do it then. He'd never betray us. He'd rather die first." Lily decided. "And he's Harry's godfather."

"I agree." James said. "Sirius should be our Secret Keeper."

Dumbledore sighed. "Even though Sirius is your best friend, James, I urge you to think rationally about this. Everybody suspects you would chose Sirius. It's not worth the risk."

"So, then we should chose you instead, Professor." Lily said. "There's no way Voldemort would be able to get the information out of you."

"Are you trying to instate that Sirius isn't trustworthy? He's like my brother!" James exclaimed. "He'd never betray us."

"And I don't think he would," Dumbledore stressed, "Nor do I believe that Remus is the traitor either. But think about it. Only you know for sure that you aren't a traitor to the Order of the Phoenix. Anybody you tell of your location cannot pass the information on which is extremely beneficial for you. However, let's just say for a second that you chose me as your Secret Keeper, but I'm the traitor. That information would go straight to Voldemort and you would end up dying."

"But Dumbledore, you aren't the traitor. Neither is Sirius, or Remus, or Peter!" Lily exclaimed. "Alice, Marlene, and all the others - none of them are traitors. I just know it."

James nodded in agreement. "You haven't interacted with most of these people on a daily basis for the past ten years. We know all of them better than you, Moody, the Weasleys or anybody else. There's no way any of them could possibly be the traitor."

"Neither of you are getting what I'm saying." Dumbledore said. "The best person to be the Secret Keeper is one of the people who is being protected."

"Wouldn't that weaken the charm though?" Lily questioned.

"Au Contraire actually. It'd strengthen it." Dumbledore replied. "The secret keeper should one of you. In fact, Harry actually would be the best Secret Keeper."

"He can barely talk!" James said. "How is he going to give permission for all of us to enter our own home?"

"Simple - get him to say it once, have it recorded and then whenever you want to share it to a person, plug some headphones into the device used and have them listen to it." Dumbledore replied.


Three Days Later...

"Harry, you know the address to this place, right?"

"Yes." the fifteen month old infant said. "Pot-tar's Cotwage, Gwodrwic's Hawwalo."

"Did you get it?" asked James.


Chapter Text

"Potter, Harry!" Professor McGonagall read from her parchment.

As Harry stepped forward, the hall was filled with whispers from almost every student.

"Potter, did she say?"

"The Harry Potter?"

The last thing Harry was able to see before the hat was dropped over his eyes was people craning to get a good look at him – no doubt wanting to see how much he had grown in the ten years he had been away from the Wizarding World. It made him rather uncomfortable, all the attention.

"Hmm…" he heard the Hat muse in his ear. "Difficult…very difficult indeed. You've got plenty of courage, not a bad mind either. There's talent – oh my goodness, yes – and a nice thirst to prove yourself…"

"Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…Not Slytherin…" Harry chanted in his mind. "Anything but Slytherin…"

"Not Slytherin, eh?" The Hat asked shrewedly. "You'd do great things in Slytherin – it's the path to greatness after all…"

"I don't want to be a Slytherin," Harry thought fiercely. "They're evil, aren't they?"

The Hat laughed quitetly. "No, not all Slytherins are evil. You see, Slytherin is all about cunning, ambition. They are also resourceful. Very resourceful indeed. And while you do have the bravery needed for Gryffindor, and the loyalty required for Hufflepuff, and you would do fine in Ravenclaw, I must say…. SLYTHERIN!"

The last part he shouted and the whole hall got eerily quiet. He was pretty sure that nobody had expected it – especially not the greasy haired, bat-like professor who fell out of his chair in shock, along with the short professor that barely was able to look over the table. He shakily took off the hat and walked over to the Slytherin table.

What the hell had just happened?

"Hey, Potter!"

Harry looked up from where he was currently sulking and saw that around him were the other Slytherins of his year – Draco Malfoy, Theodore Nott, Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis, and Pansy Parkinson.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" he asked glumly.

"Okay, we get that you weren't expecting to get placed in Slytherin," Daphne Greengrass said, "But that doesn't mean that you have to sulk all evening about it. Nobody was really expecting it – just as much as we were expecting Blaise Zabini to be placed in Gryffindor."

Theodore Nott nodded in agreement, "Listen, you've probably heard all about this being You-Know-Who's house and if you end up in it, you'll be just as bad as him."

Harry nodded, "That and the fact that all the examples I've received of Slytherins aren't exactly picture perfect."

"Name some," Malfoy said, "The ones you heard are probably horrible examples."

"Voldemort," This caused several to flinch, the most notable being the pug-faced Pansy and the prat Malfoy, who looked, in Harry's opinion, like a ferret. "and then Death Eaters in general. By the way, who gave them that name anyways? It sounds so stupid! And did you know that Voldemort in French means Flight From Death? So in my opinion, the 'Death Eaters' were supposed to 'eat death' while Voldemort kept fleeing from it."

"Those examples are pretty sound," Tracey Davis, "And I'm pretty sure that you just broke the universe."

"Why?" Harry asked at the five first years questioning faces.

"Nobody has ever thought of it that way, not even Dumbledore." Theodore Nott replied.

"Well then he should also be pleased to know that the sentence 'I am Lord Voldemort' is an anagram for 'Tom Marvolo Riddle'."

"Did being in Slytherin make you smarter or something?"

"Or something." Harry cheerfully replied.

Chapter Text

Harry breathed deeply as he walked out into the clearing where Voldemort stood with the rest of his Death Eaters.

"Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived… come to die." Voldemort said in that velvety voice of his. "Avada-"

The last word he was going to say was interrupted by a very old beat up blue Ford Angelina, that crashed into Voldemort and kept on rolling over him with it's wheels, breaking Voldemort's ribs, pelvis, jaw, and a lot of other bones, and probably made him get a lot of his important organs destroyed.

"Oh-kay." Harry said slowly. Every single Death Eater, sans Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, and Narcissa Malfoy had left the area.

"POTTER!" screeched Bellatrix with fury, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE DARK LORD?"

"Oh shut the hell up!" Narcissa said, making her older sister turn to her which gave Harry the chance to stun her from behind.

"That wasn't exactly how I imagined that this would go," Harry said, kicking the now dead body of Voldemort… now it's time to go snake-hunting…"

Ten minutes later, Nagini was dead, the Weasleys' old Ford Angelina was being hailed as a hero, and Harry was going to write a letter asking the Goblins of Gringotts whether or not they could remove horcruxes from the object they were in.

If they couldn't, Hermione and Ron decreed that they were going to track down Fawkes, stab Harry in the scar with a basklik's fang, and then have Fawkes cry on the scar to heal it.

Filch had also decided that he was going to hand in his resignation as the mess around the hall was way too much for the almost seventy year old squib.


"Ford Angelina Potter, you were named after the bravest car I knew, and that car is probably the only reason that the Wizarding World is still standing."

Chapter Text

Lord Voldemort, also known as the Dark Lord to his followers, was currently sitting on the throne he had custom made for himself at Malfoy Manor. That's when Rookwood, one of Death Eaters walked into the ballroom, where the throne was currently located.

"My Lord?" Rookwood inquired, "You have mail."

If Voldemort had eyebrows, he definitely would have raised one. "Mail?"

"Yes my Lord." Rookwood replied. "It came from an owl wearing the Hogwarts' School Crest."

"Give it to me." Voldemort commanded.

"Of course, my Lord." Rookwood said, handing Voldemort an envelope. There was no writing on it, but there were two crests on it - a Gryffindor crest and Slytherin crest.

Probably from Dumbledore or Potter, Voldemort thought as he sneered at the envelope.

He opened it up and pulled out the folded parchment.

Dear Moldy Shorts,

I would just like to inform you that while your real name is unfortunate, and that you seem to like it enough to make an anagram out of it, the words: I am Lord Voldemort can also be rearranged to say: Mr. Tom - Dildo Lover.

I suggest that you change your name legally. Perhaps to Marvolo Morfin Gaunt? We can discuss this later.

Feel free to come to my complimentary sob session tonight in the Chamber of Secrets.


The Gryffindor that was Almost a Slytherin

"Burn this letter. NOW!" Voldemort yelled, thrusting the letter into Rookwood's face.

"Of course my Lord." Rookwood said, walking over to the fire place.

He discretely made a copy of it and threw the original into the fire place.


"Seriously Harry? Pranking Voldemort?" Hermione asked exasperatedly on night in the common room. The entire common room grew silent.

"Wicked," Fred grinned.

George grinned like his twin. "You are my hero."

Chapter Text

All day Fred and George had been making jokes that she didn't understand, but everyone – including Hermione – did. It was honestly frustrating the heck out of her.

So she did the next best thing.

Asking a teacher might get her into trouble, and asking an older student would do no better in the eleven year old Gryffindor's opinion.

She pulled out the old leather diary that she had been writing in for the last two weeks and wrote her first question. It had been mentioned in one of Fred's jokes earlier that day.

Tom, what's a clitoris?

Inside the Diary:

Tom Riddle, forever trapped at sixteen due to this diary, blinked as he read the question for the fifth time.

Should he answer her?

Even though he was a dark Lord, and evil, and a murderer, he honestly felt like he had a duty to the poor eleven year old that he was currently possessing.

Can you please repeat that? He wrote back.

After a few seconds he got a reply: Sure thing Tom. What's a clitoris? My older brother Fred was making jokes about it earlier today.

Oh Merlin.

He had read that correctly.

Well…you see…it's kind of hard to explain. Tom wrote quickly. Why haven't you asked a professor? Or a prefect?

Well, your sixteen, aren't you? My third eldest brother Percy is also that age and when I asked him, he ran out of the room screaming.

Fuck a duck.

Now he had explain.

Back in the Common Room

After a few minutes of waiting for a reply, Ginny finally got one.

When a man and woman love each other very much…

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was feeling very, very happy.

It was time for the first Potions class of first year, and being a time traveler (a very unintentional one at that) he wanted it to go very different from the last one.

Which basically translated to: this class will be insane and everyone will love it because it will cause Snape to have an aneurism.

"Mr. Potter - our new celebrity." Snape sneered at him.

Harry smiled as he pulled out a signed piece of parchment. "Here's my autograph, sir. I carry them just in case, that way I get to class on time. I'm still getting used to this whole 'famous' thing."

Snape sneered again - is that all he could do? "Since you've so kindly volunteered, you can answer the first question."

"As long as its first year stuff," Harry replied cheerfully, "I should know it. Memorized my Potions and Herbology books already."

"Tell me, what would I get if I added a powdered root of Asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" Snape asked, probably hoping for him to answer incorrectly.

Harry noticed that Hermione was raising her hand patiently, but the look on her face was almost pleading as if she wanted nothing more but to get called on.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a potion that he had previously picked up in Diagon Alley the month before.

Snape raised an eyebrow and asked, "And that is?"

"It's the Draught of Living Death, sir." Harry replied, "Some of the ingredients are a powdered root of Asphodel and an infusion of wormwood. The potion itself is a sleeping potion that makes it seem as if you were dead."

"Where would you go to find a bezoar?"

"Right here," Harry said, reaching into his cauldron and pulling out the baby goat that he had smuggled into the castle. "This baby goat's stomach should have a bezoar, but it would probably be best if you checked the potions cabinet first."

The whole class stared at the baby goat with shock.

Snape actually lost his usual composure and in shock asked, "Mr. Potter, why do you have a goat?"

"He's my pet." Harry replied smoothly. "I have Hedwig, but I also have Aberforth, my pet goat." Aberforth was honestly the first name he could come up with, and wasn't his Patronus a goat?

"I believe you are only allowed a Cat, Toad, or Owl." Snape replied briskly. "Not a goat."

"Ron has a rat that's missing a toe- right pointer by the way, and then Lee Jordan has a spider. And I'm pretty sure that fifty years ago a guy named Tom Marvolo Riddle, a Slytherin Prefect and later Head Boy had a pet snake." Harry countered, "And there is no rule against having two pets either - I checked. It's also not in the rules that you can't take them to class, it's just not advised as it means you are allowing them to be experimented on."

Snape just sighed, "My last question is this, what's the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"Absolutely nothing." Harry replied, pulling out a plant. "It's also called aconite. By the way, you can have the potion and the aconite but you aren't getting my goat."


Later, in the Great Hall, the Weasley Twins came and sat down on either side of him and asked, "Is it true-"

"That you-"

"Brought a pet-"

"Goat to Snape's-"


"You bet." Harry grinned.

Chapter Text

As with all the other chapters, this is inspired by Tumblr.

If you are on it as much I am, you've probably seen the post this is based on.

Harry could hardly believe it!

There was mail addressed to him.

In hindsight, he probably should have stuffed the letter into his cupboard - he could always read it after he delivered the mail to the Dursley's, who were already growing impatient with the minute wait they had. The Dursley's would probably take the letter if they found out about it. It seemed like the most Dursley-ish thing to do.

He walked into the kitchen, analyzing the letter carefully. He dropped what was left of the mail (A Majorica postcard from that bitch Marge, a few bills, and Uncle Vernon's paycheck from Grunnings.) on the table.

"Marge is sick." Uncle Vernon informed them. "Ate a funny whelk she found while snorkeling or something."

The hippo could fit into a wetsuit? Harry thought. Man, the Dursley's are weird! Uncle Vernon is a walrus, Dudley is a pig, Marge is a hippo, Aunt Petunia is a horse, and I'm pretty sure that Uncle Vernon's father was a baboon and his mother a donkey.

"Dad!" Dudley suddenly cried - taking note of the letter in Harry's hands. "Dad - Harry's got something! He's got a letter!"

"Give it here, boy." snarled Uncle Vernon.

"Hand it over!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"No!" Harry said, running out of the kitchen, throwing open the front door (which half the household had to enter/exit through sideways due to them being too wide to fit through it normally) and running out into the street.

"Get back here!" Uncle Vernon said, eyes wide and his face was a lovely shade of lavender. "Get back here boy!"

Harry was fast for a ten year old. He had to be - especially because Dudley and his goons believed that 'Harry Hunting' was an Olympic sport - none of them had even a bronze medal in said sport because they could never catch him. It was a Saturday morning - nobody on the street had to go to work and most were up by eight anyways.

Uncle Vernon had followed him - expected, but there had been a high probability that he wouldn't. After all - chasing him could drastically ruin his reputation. Harry tucked the letter into his front waistband.

Even though Uncle Vernon had followed him, if he wanted to get the letter out of Harry's grasp, he'd have to stuff his hand down his pants - something he wouldn't do in public.

So it was down to one thing: Would Uncle Vernon choose his reputation? Or would he choose the letter?

"Give me the letter!" panted Uncle Vernon once he reached the street where Harry was currently standing. "Give it to me!"

"Give me the letter!" Harry mimed. "Give it to me!"

Uncle Vernon's face turned eggplant purple. "Give it to me now! You are drumming up a crowd."

Sure enough, people who had been trimming their already perfect rosebushes or having a cup of morning tea on their porches had crowded around the two.

"No." Harry replied simply. "If you truly want it, you'll have to get it." Harry just stood there.

Mrs. Number Seven (he had no clue what her actual name was and didn't really care) had already reached a bony hand into the satchel purse thing she always brought around with her and withdrew something...a phone!

Uncle Vernon snarled and raced forward and started wresting to get to letter. His uncle's momentum had thrown him off balance but Harry didn't let that stop him. He kicked his Uncle between the legs as Mrs. Number Seven started dialling the number for the local police department - five minutes away tops. She was whispering to Mr. Number Eight (the Dursley's hardly used the real names of their neighbors) about something.

Uncle Vernon crashed to the floor with a simple push of Harry's foot - he was kind of recovering from the whole 'kicking him in his soft spot' thing.

Four minutes later, he was still struggling to get up and he saw Aunt Petunia and Dudley watching from the house's window.

And that's when the cops showed up!

Vernon got arrested, Harry learned what his letter was about quite reluctantly from Aunt Petunia, and he somehow got sorted into Ravenclaw.

How? Nobody really knows...

Chapter Text

Vernon Dursley was pissed.

He wasn't pissed at his job, boss, or secretary. He wasn't pissed at the fact that he couldn't move into a better house due to those 'wards' placed around the property by that fool fifteen years ago. He wasn't even pissed at his awful nephew!

Well...indirectly - he was involved of course. This...Lord Thingy was only here because of his nephew after all.

The person was currently standing in his way of going off to work. He was wearing a long back dress that looked like it was awfully uncomfortable. When he swayed, Vernon could have sworn he saw this Lord Whatever His Damn Name Was wearing stockings underneath the dress...were those garters? [1]

The person also was obviously wearing contacts - those eyes weren't natural! - and whomever this person had undergone plastic surgery.

How else did he have no nose?

Vernon sighed. "Look Lord Thing - I need to get off to work. And if you don't want me to run over you, I suggest you get your freaky-ness off my lawn! So grab that stick your holding, get rid of the dress, and take out those contacts! And I'd speak to a doctor about recieve a nose - those are kind of important - you need one, trust me. Also get some sun - you are too pale to be healthy."

"No, Vernon Dursley, I will not leave." Red-Eyed Man said. "You see, I'm here to kill Harry Potter -"

"You want to kill the freak?" Vernon questioned. "Then go right ahead!"

Red-Eyed Man laughed, "You honestly want your nephew to die? This will be too easy! My revenge will finally be satisfied! He won't be able to destroy me again, like he did on October 31st, 1981!"

Vernon blinked, "Wait - 1981? Halloween? You killed the Potters?"

"Yes!" Red-Eyed Man said. "And now I must get my revenge!"

"...So it's your fault that I have to deal with that freak?"

" can you please get rid of these wards so I can go kill Harry Potter?" Red-Eyed Man asked impatiently.

Vernon didn't say anything. Instead, he just pushed down the gas of his brand-new company car and ran over the bastard. "I've heard you are called 'The Dark Lord'. That's just another way of saying you are unemployed!" Vernon shouted, grabbing his trusty umbrella as he got out of his car.

He started beating the living shit out of Lord Thingy. After he was sure that the bastard wouldn't be getting back up, he went to the trunk of his car and grabbed the shot-gun he always carried with him.

And then he shot Voldemort in the forehead.

The next morning, Harry woke up to the sound of an owl hooting happily with the Daily Prophet in it's beak. He grabbed the paper, paid the owl and looked at it, before jumping for joy.

He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named: Dead at age 70! Muggle Defeats the Dark Lord!

By Rita Skeeter

He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named has long been the enigma of England's Magical World. However, last night, You-Know-Who was shot and killed by muggle Vernon Dursley.

Wow...for once, his Uncle had been good for something...

Chapter Text

The Sorting Hat - know to his friends at Alfred - was bored. He had been sorting students for almost a thousand years now, and after a while, it could get boring, even though he absolutely loved his job.

So he decided that he was going to play a prank.

And what a wonderful prank it was...

"Abbott, Hannah!" Professor McGonagall called out.

"GRYFFINDOR!" Alfred cried out. Gasps rang out from the hall. An Abbott in Gryffindor? The horror!

Alfred kind of thought it was silly. There had been Abbotts in Gryffindor before - roughly a hundred and fifty years ago, though. In fact, the house had primarily been Gryffindor until a Smith married into the Abbott family!

"Bones, Susan!"


"Boot, Terrance!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!" Alfred yelled. It was kind of surprising that they didn't get it from his song. Did they not notice the lyrics at all? The brave shall become cunning, the cunning shall become smart, the smart shall become loyal, and the loyal shall become brave!

Honestly, it's like none of them paid attention!

"Brocklehurst, Mandy!"


"Brown, Lavender!"


A new round of gasps happened. A BROWN in SLYTHERIN? The horror!

Get over yourself! Alfred thought. He happened to enjoy the reactions. He'd enjoy their reactions to when they found out it was just a prank even better.

"Bulstrode, Millicent."


Millicent just shrugged. Better Ravenclaw than Hufflepuff or Gryffindor.

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"


"Finnegan, Seamus!"


More gasps. That was kind of getting annoying. Couldn't they just keep their gasps to themselves?

"Granger, Hermione!"

You know, I'm starting to think that this is a prank. She thought.

How so? Alfred replied.

No particular reason. However, depending on which house you put me in, then I'll know for sure. If you put me in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw - I can see that. I could even see Hufflepuff considering how hard-working I am when it comes to research, books, or homework. But Slytherin? I might be ambitious, but I don't belong in a house of bigots.

"SLYTHERIN!" Alfred cried.

Hermione smirked. That just proved it. The Hat never put muggleborns like herself into Slytherin unless they absolutely belonged there.

"Longbottom, Neville!"

I think I'd be best in Hufflepuff. Neville thought.

I'm thinking more Gryffindor. The Hat thought, even though he knew that should he belong in Gryffindor, he'd actually be getting Slytherin... That might cause some issues...

Ah - it'd only be for a half hour. What could be the harm?


More gasps. Did these people not do anything else?

"MacDougal, Morag."


"Malfoy, Draco!"

The hat didn't even let him be placed on the kid's gelled hair. He belonged in Slytherin, but didn't particularly want to place him in Ravenclaw like the rest. So he decided to just yell out the first house that came to mind.


Draco sputtered. "W-what?"

The whole hall had gone deathly silent. "You heard me. HUFF-LE-PUFF! Your loyalty to your family is a Hufflepuff quality. Now go sit down." Alfred said fiercely.

"Moon, Lily!"


"Nott, Theodore!"


"Parkinson, Pansy!"


"Patil, Padma!"


"Patil, Pavarti!"


The girl obviously wasn't happy about not being in the same house as her twin seeing as how she stomped angrily to the Slytherin table.

"Perks, Sally-Anne!"


"Potter, Harry!"

Finally the one that would cause the most brilliant reactions in History!

Everybody had quieted down in anticipation.

Not Slytherin, Not Slytherin. Anything but Slytherin.

Hmmm...I think you'd be perfect for Slytherin. Alfred mused. Yes...I believe you belong there.


Alfred loved the reactions it caused: Snape fell out of his seat, Quirrell did as well, Albus just blinked in surprise, McGonagall just glared at Albus as if to say This is YOUR fault.

Harry's mouth was open in shock - just like most of the others in the hall. Several had passed out, some were gaping at the eleven year old in shock.

Alfred was going to remember that scene forever!

"Thomas, Dean." McGonagall said, once she regained her bearings.


"Turpin, Lisa."


"Weasley, Ronald!"


People that passed out/fallen out of their seat did so again.

"Zabini, Blaise!"

"RAVENCLAW!" Alfred cried out.

After Zabini sat down. Alfred decided to reveal that it was just one big prank.

"Before you put me away, for another year, I'd like to say that you have just been pranked." Alfred said cheerfully causing a lot of gasps.


"All Slytherins are actually Gryffindors, all Hufflepuffs are Ravenclaws, all Gryffindors are Hufflepuffs, and all Ravenclaws are Slytherins, with the exception of Malfoy - he's actually a Slytherin!"

Here's an alternate sorting for just Draco that was going to happen but I changed it:

"Malfoy, Draco!"

The hat didn't even let him be placed on the kid's gelled hair. He belonged in Slytherin, but didn't particularly want to sort him.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to sort squib ferrets that are prejudiced." The Sorting Hat said.

Draco sputtered. "W-what?"

"You heard me, you prejudiced git."

"I've done accidental magic before!" Draco cried as he was taken from the hall. "I'M A WIZARD!"

"That's what they all say!

Chapter Text

Fred and George Weasley were pranksters. They were very proud of this fact, and nothing you could say to try and make them stop their pranks would work. After they found the Marauder's Map in first year, it had taken two weeks, three days, thirteen hours, twenty-tree minutes, forty-two seconds and sixteen milliseconds to crack the code.

That had occurred when Fred pointed his wand at the parchment and said, "Dang it! What do I need to say to make you work? I solemnly swear – I'm up to no good!"

After that they had a beautiful map of the castle that told where everybody was. It had increased the success rate of their pranks by thirty-four percent!

It had been a challenge to figure out the words to wipe the map clean – to make it seem as if it was just a random bit of parchment should their bags ever be searched for pranking items. Finally, one night in the common room during the Easter holidays (They had taken refuge there since Percy was being a prat), George pointed his wand at the map that Fred was looking over and said, "Our Mischeif has been managed…for now at least."

What udder joy they had when they received word from Messers Prongs and Padfoot themselves! Well…sort of…it was just words on the parchement cover…

Messer Prongs would like to inform you that the code you've used is almost correct – everything you need to say is there, but somethings said are unneeded.

Messer Padfoot would like to infrom you that our pranks are legendary, but rarely do we use the phrase: for now at least. In fact, our Micheif never has been truly Managed."

With the hints given by two of their idols, they were able to close the map for the first time in four days.

And now, they – as lowly 2nd year students – were planning their biggest prank they had ever tried.

Their victim: Dumbledore's office.

Right now, they were carefully watching Dumbledore's emblem on the Marauder's Map, waiting for the man to leave his office to go to dinner. With the help of the Marauder's Map, they knew where the kitchens were, how to avoid Filch, and neither one were quite hungry at the moment.

"Hmm…what if we conjure up a lot of ducks?" Fred asked.

"How about rubber ducks – those things that Dad always goes on about?" George suggested. "Who knows, Dumbledore might have a facisnation with them."

Fred thought for a second. "I can see it."

Dumbledore came through the portrait door then, swiftly walking towards the Great Hall, a smile on his face. George could have sworn that the hundred and six year old was humming Poison, a new muggle song that came out a few months ago.

Their father had been addicted to it. Mum had a fit whenever she heard it play on that muggle radio of Dad's.

Dumbledore started singing softly, but the man was still in earshot – perhaps he knew that they were there?

That girl is poison.

Never trust a big butt that girl is poison!

That girl is poison, poison.

It had been three months since they had last heard their father sing it outloud when Mum had been out picking up more Floo powder, but Fred and George shivered.

That song was pure torture to listen to in their opinion.

And the fact that Percy made them do their summer homework where he could see them – namely the kitchen table – it just meant they kept hearing the song, over and over and over and over again.

Whoops – that was kind of getting off track there!

After saying the password to Dumbledore's office (Ice Mice), they were in and were ready to start decking the office out. They placed a charm on the door to start playing a ringtone according to whoever walked through the door.

They chose "I'm Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves for Dumbledore ("Poison" would probably cause him to constantly walk through the door) and the Imperial March from "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" for Snape, the Potions Professor. For their Transfiguration Professor, Minerva "Minnie" McGonagall, they chose "Hey Mickey!" by Toni Basil. For Professor Sprout, they chose "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper.

For Professor Flitwick, they decided to go with "It's a Small World" by the Sherman Brothers.

After overloading the office with various other pranks from their neverending arsenal, George found something that made him extremely happy.

It was corruption time!

"Fred, come over here! It's the Sorting Hat!" George whispered. Fred immediately came over and saw what George was gawking over.

He immediately exchanged a grin with his twin. (Hey – that rhymed!)

"Hello, Mr. Sorting Hat?" Fred asked quitely. "You awake?"

"No," came the reply from the ragged old hat. "Leave me alone – I'm trying to write a song here."

"Oh! Is it for the Sorting of 1991?" George asked. "Well, come on, let's here what you have."

The Sorting Hat replied, "I have these words: Gryffindor, Brave, Hufflepuff, Loyal, Ravenclaw, Intelligent, Slytherin, Ambitious Little Bastards. Sadly, that last one probably won't make it to the final cut…Albus enjoys proof-reading my songs before I sing them."

"So he's…your manager?" Fred asked.

"Something like that. By the way, what are you doing…oh never mind. Judging by the rubber ducks everywhere, I'd say that you are pranking the Headmaster." The Sorting Hat replied. "By the way – call me Alfred. Everyone does."

"Alfred…like that bad-ass butler from the Batman comics?: asked George.

"No." Alfred replied. "For one I'm not a butler. I am however bad-ass."

"Yeah right. Prove it." Fred said, disbelief heavy in his voice.

"Alright. Next sorting. I believe that it's only four months, three weeks, two days, fourteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, and sixteen – no seventeen seconds away." Alfred said.

"You are on!" George said.

Four Months, Three Weeks, Two Days, Fourteen Hours, Thirty-Eight Minutes, and Seventeen Seconds Later…

"By the way, before I am put away for another year," Alfred said once he announced that he had just pranked the first years. "What just occurred in the last half-hour should be proof enough for the wonderful Weasley Twins, who questioned my ability to be badass. I hope that nobody is ever foolish enough to question whether or not I am badass, for I am afraid I will have to kill you with a paper napkin."

"Can you even kill somebody with a paper napkin?" some random Slytherin asked.

"I can assure you that I will have fun trying!" Alfred said cheerfully. "Now, don't let me keep from eating anymore!"

Chapter Text

Chapter 21 of What If?

Harry looked down at his hand which had just healed.

What the bloody hell was with this quill he was using? Did it use his own blood as ink?

At that moment, he didn't care what Professor Umbridge would say. He rolled his piece of parchment with the one line he had written on it up, grabbed the quill, and stuffed both offending items into his school bag.

"And, where exactly do you think you're going?" Umbridge asked. "Sit back down and finish your lines."

"No." Harry said defiantly. "I refuse to be walked over, and I refuse to allow me to be tortured by this bloody quill of yours!"

Umbridge stood, wand raised and said, "Accio -"

"Stupefy!" Harry said, stunning the teacher. "Petrificus Totalus." He cast the body-bind so she wouldn't be able to escape should this meeting run longer than expected.

He pretty much ran to McGonagall's office, where she was currently grading the papers of her second year students.

"Mr. Potter?" She asked when she noticed that he had arrived in her office. "Aren't you supposed to be in detention?"

"Umbridge gave me lines," Harry explained. "Only, they aren't normal lines you see. She gave me this black quill and no ink -"

Professor McGonagall looked at the fifteen year old with shock, "You mean that Professor Umbridge made you use a blood quill? But those are illegal!"

"Here's my proof." Harry said, pulling the piece of parchment out and the quill along with it. "Oh, and don't worry about the bitch running. She's kind of stunned and under the body-bind at the moment."

Professor McGonagall smiled, "I think you need to be awarded with another Special Services to the School Award...though, now Albus needs to find a new DADA professor."

"He could always bring Remus back." Harry said, grinning.

"Ah, what a fine morning this September day is!" Professor Dumbledore said the next morning. "Last night, we had a bit of a staff change. Due to being in the possession of a dark and very much illegal item known as a blood quill, Madam Umbridge has been arrested, and her position as teacher for Defense Against The Dark Arts is now promptly left open."

The whole hall cheered (including the Slytherins; guess nobody liked the toad...)

"You just seem to be running out Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," Snape drawled. "I'm always ready to step in and teach it, if you need me to, Professor Dumbledore."

"I'm afraid, Professor Snape, that the position has already been filled. Will you please give a warm welcome back to Professor Remus Lupin!"

The third years and up of the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff houses all cheered happily.

Finally. A DADA Professor who could actually teach!

Hermione was smiling brightly, "Oh, this year's going to be good after all!"

Chapter Text

"We'll just need a place to meet...any suggestions on where Umbridge won't be able to find us?" Hermione asked the assembled group of twenty or so teens.

"The Shrieking Shack maybe, every Hogwarts weekend?" Susan Bones suggested. "She wouldn't go into there, not with all the rumors about the place."

"That's not nearly constant enough. It would have to take place regularly - like a normal class." Harry said. "There's a few secret passages that may be big enough -"

"Sorry mate," Fred said. "All the good ones are either known about by Filch or have caved in." George let out sigh.

"And that was such a good passage too!"

Luna Lovegood however, had quite possibly, the best idea that anybody could come up with. "The Chamber of Secrets. Only Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny know it, other than Dumbledore of course. If people use Disillusionment Charms in the hallways, they can easily slip into the chamber. The spell is simple enough to learn."

Harry thought it over... he was the only person who could access the chamber due to the passcode being in parseltongue. If need be, he could try and teach the word "Open" in Parseltongue to Ron and Hermione, should he ever be late for various reasons.

"It could work..." Harry said. "It's certainly wide enough, and there's a library down there two - full of Defense Against The Dark Arts spells."

"Wasn't Salazar Slytherin's subject potions?" asked Colin Creevey, intrigued.

"Hmm? Yeah, Slytherin taught Potions at Hogwarts while Gryffindor taught Transfiguration, Hufflepuff taught Herbology, and Ravenclaw taught Charms. In Slytherin's time however, there was no Defense Against the Dark Arts class even though there were tons of dark witches and wizards running amok." Harry explained. He had learned all of this from Salazar's journal stored in the many shelves he found when exploring the Chamber. "So Slytherin created the DADA class. He created the curriculum with the curriculums that had already been established for Charms and Transfiguration, but he believed that in order for to truly be a 'Defense' class, they would have to learn some dark spells. I think he put it best in his journal: A spell is nothing more than that - a spell. A light wizard or witch could use a 'dark' spell but have good intentions for it, same as how a dark wizard or witch could use a 'light' spell with bad intentions. After all, the truth of light and dark magic is that it's nonexistent. The only thing that truly matters is your intent."

"Woah." Hermione blinked. "To think...Salazar Slytherin said that."

"How in Merlin's name do you know that?" Zacharias Smith asked.

"I explored the Chamber of Secrets a bit after I learned I wouldn't have to deal with exams until third year." Harry said. "I ended up finding Salazar's journal."

Every single person was staring at him in awe.

" the way Harry, I hope you like the fact that I ensured that no part of this conversation was overheard by anybody at the bar." Luna said in her dreamy voice. "It probably would have been better to do this at the Three Broomsticks. It's a good thing Daddy always said that when you go to meetings that have the potential to become illegal, to make sure that you have silencing wards activated.

"Alright. Thank you so much Luna." Harry said gratefully. That hadn't even crossed his mind! "Everyone meet me on Monday evening, six o'clock, in Myrtle's bathroom. Make sure you aren't followed, even if it means leaving your common rooms thirty minutes early and take the long way. We can't let Umbridge know about this 'study group' of sorts."

Everyone nodded.

Monday quickly came and Harry was currently standing in Myrtle's bathroom.

"Why are we in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?" questioned Cho Chang.

"You'll see." Harry said, turning to face the sink with the Snake emblem. "Open." He hissed. Immediately, the entrance to the Chamber appeared. "Stairs." He hissed, the slide automatically turning to stairs. "Before anybody starts to go down, I would like everyone to please be careful on the steps. They haven't exactly been cleaned in the last...thousand years or so?"

He started to walk, Ron following him, careful of the slimy steps. Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Luna, and the rest of their group followed behind them.

After a few minutes of silence, they found themselves in the hallway that had previously caved-in the last time Ron, Ginny, and Lockhart had been there with him. However, the hall had magically repaired itself.

"How -" Ron asked.

"It's the magic of the Chamber." Harry explained. "It can't rebuild itself right away, but should a cave in or something similar occur, it'll fix itself if left alone for a bit. Oh, and I hope nobody minds that I cleaned up all the rat skeletons. They were bad for the decor."

They reached the door with the different snakes and Harry hissed for it to open (which is complied to) and they were finally in the main hall of the Chamber.

"This is only it's main atrium. There's a spell library just down the left hallway and a potions laboratory down the right hallway. Off the left door, there's a bunch of Dark stuff - don't go into that room. On the right door is everything we'll need for DADA." Harry explained.

There had been some complications throughout the year with entering the chamber - only Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny could speak the magical words to get into the place, but they managed.

Harry had quickly learned how to do the Disillusionment spell and taught to all the member of their group which they decided to officially just call the DA. Unofficially, it was named Dumbledore's Army. Harry had managed to keep Hermione from writing the unofficial name on the member list, just in case they were found out to be participating in an illegal study group.

They never were, but it doesn't hurt to have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Fun Fact: Dolores Jane Umbridge is a HALF-BLOOD! Her mother was a muggle and her father was a pureblood. She had a younger brother that was a squib.

Chapter Text

Takes place in 2013 with my favorite character in all of HP being the main star!

Teddy Remus Lupin, Hufflepuff's Fifth Year Prefect was currently bored.

He knew that he was supposed to be studying for his upcoming O.W.L.s, but studying wasn't really his thing. He much rather be at his godfather's house, binge watching Supernatural or something.

It was hilarious to see the show's point of view on Werewolves. Last he checked, werewolves don't eat people's hearts. It was almost as funny as their version of vampires! Seriously - Vampire's don't exactly have blood that you can drink, nor is there a cure to being a vampire.

That thought gave him an idea...what if...what if he could watch it here?

He had never really liked the whole bullshit story that wizards came up with for why they never used modern technology - "Magic makes it impossible to use technology. It doesn't work."

The only reason magic didn't work for wizards because even the most muggle-crazed pure-bloods didn't know how to change a simple battery.

Teddy decided at that moment, that he was going to take his bedroom's TV and using his godfather's subscription of Netflix, start getting caught up on all his shows.

Fifteen minutes later, he had his TV hooked up in his dorm room with the help of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes custom portable electricity socket. He clicked on his profile for Netflix (the choices were as follows: Harry, Ginny, Teddy, and then Kids. Harry had promised that James, Albus, and Lily would each get their own once they reached the age of 11, just like Teddy.) and went to Supernatural.

Dang it - Season 8 hadn't been posted, and probably wouldn't until September...

He checked his other shows...nothing.

Sherlock still didn't have Season 3. On the other hand... there was a new season of Glee to watch.

Yay - 22 episodes of people singing about their problems with one Rachel 'Barbra Streisand' Berry taking the lead. His favorite character had always been Sebastian. His favorite quote was: "cutting-edge fashions usually only seen on Puerto-Rican Pride floats."

Anyways...eventually his roommates came in to him watching Glee and just calmly sat down watching it with him. They asked a few questions about the characters and what the heck was going on, but other than that, they were quiet.

A week later, everyone in Hufflepuff wanted to watch Netflix so with a few enlargements of the TV and a surround-sound speaker system in the common room, everyone was watching. They had a system. They would take suggestions on what wanted to be watched (with Supernatural, Glee, and Doctor Who all being main contenders) and the most popular would be watched first, so on a so forth.

So instead of studying like they were supposed to, they binge watched from 6 to 2 in the morning.

Teddy got a letter a few days after he borrowed his TV from his room from Harry, wanting to know if he took it. Teddy admitted that he had. Harry had replied: "Ask next time."

When Teddy's sixth year rolled around, they had a similar schedule, to TV watching, but limited the binge watching for weekends. Also, it was a requirement to have your homework done to watch TV, which everyone complied with.

It wasn't until their head of house Professor MacMillan came to talk to them about something did he find out that they had been watching Netflix. But instead of berating them, he joined them in watching the latest episode of Sherlock, where it was revealed that the guy wasn't as dead as everyone thought he was at the end of Season 2.

This was inspired by a Tumblr post by contradictingmultitudes.

Chapter Text

Lily Potter took a deep breath as she walked up the steps to Number 4 Privet Drive.

Vernon was at work, and Petunia was no doubt staying at home with her newborn baby Dudley, who had just been born three months previously in June.

She knocked on the door and after a minute of waiting, Petunia Dursley was at the door opening it. She took one look at her before attempting to slam the door, only for Lily to keep her from doing so.

"Petunia, we need to talk." Lily pleaded. "It's important. You know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't."

"Important?" Petunia spat from where she tried to push the door closed. "What's so important that you need to darken my doorstep with your - your fr-"

"Petunia, don't you dare finish that sentence." Lily warned. "I know that you've always been jealous of me. And I'm sorry that you weren't able to go to Hogwarts. But this is a matter of life and death. If you don't do this, James and I will die along with your newborn nephew, Harry."

"We haven't spoken in years." Petunia spat, finally letting the door swing open. "What - is it impossible for you to keep in touch?"

"We haven't spoken because I didn't think you would want to speak." Lily said, shocked. "If I had known -"

Petunia walked away from the door, motioning for Lily to follow her. "Well you didn't. The only reason I wanted to go to Hogwarts was because I thought I was losing you. I've always wished I could do all the amazing things you could do. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up." She sighed. "Would you like some tea before we chat?"

"Yes, that'd be nice." Lily said, sitting down in one of the armchairs in the Dursley's sitting room.

Petunia came back in a few minutes later with two cups of tea, each loaded up with sugar and cream. Just the way they had drank it back when they were little. Before Hogwarts.

"So. Why exactly are you here?" Petunia questioned. "You mentioned life and death. You haven't gotten into any trouble with the authorities', have you? Because of your heritage?"

"No, I haven't. Marrying the Head of an Ancient and Noble House keeps you from being accused of such things." Lily sighed. "But for the past ten years, there's been this man. I can't tell you his name because he's tabooed it. But I can tell you that he's a so called 'Lord', and that in French, his name means 'Flight From Death'." Lily said.

Petunia only nodded, deciding she'd look up that in her French to English dictionary from her secondary school days.

"Anyways, there's also this prophecy. I don't know the full details - Professor Dumbledore has refused to tell me much about it, but I do know that it can apply to either me, or my best friend, Alice Longbottom. It says something about one of our children - either her child Neville, or my child Harry, being able to stop him." She sighed. "And according to what we've been told, it's because us and our husbands have defied him three times."

Petunia eye's went wide, "So your on a terrorist's priority list? For god's sake Lily! Leave the country! Go to Majorca or some place else! Go to the ends of the earth if you have to! Be placed in Witness Protection!"

"Such things don't really exist in the magical world, 'Tuney." Lily sighed. "Professor Dumbledore has ordered each one of us to chose a secret keeper - a person who be the only person able to tell anyone where we are. I want ours to be you."

"Me?" Petunia asked shocked. "You want me to be entrusted this big of a responsibilty?"

"You are the only person I can trust explicitly. Professor Dumbledore knows that there is a spy in our ranks. He thinks it someone close to me and Alice. As much as I don't want to believe it to be anybody I know, I can't be completely sure. For all I know, it could be that spineless friend of James - Peter. Please, 'Tuney, please say you'll do it."

Petunia took a deep breath. "I'll do it." Petunia said, almost not believing the words as they came out of her mouth. "In fact, I'll do it for your best friend as well. After all, not a lot of people know that I even exist, and those who do - " Snape was the thought running through their minds. "- well, they know we've never gotten along after you went off to Hogwarts. I'll die before anyone gets your location."

"Thank you so much Petunia!" Lily said. "Can you meet me at King's Cross Station this Saturday? The woman's bathroom would probably be best. I'll apparate us to our home so you can be there for the charm."

"Of course I will." Petunia said. "And we probably shouldn't mention any of this to Vernon...he still has that mindset of burning witches and wizards at the stake..."

"Yeah..." Lily said. "It'll probably be best to keep him out of this."

And so, because of Petunia being the Secret Keeper, the Potters nor the Longbottoms were ever found. In fact, when the Death Eaters found out that Lily had a sister due to Severus accidentally mentioning it, Petunia mentioned something about the Potters and Longbottoms moving to Canada or some place across the ocean. After that, she rounded up her family, and moved them to China.

Vernon didn't like living in the cramped apartments of Shanghai, but after a year, and the man Lily spoke of finally defeated, Vernon was only too happy to move back to England.

In fact, he was delighted when Petunia managed to get them a nice house twenty minutes south of London. Not only was it closer to his job, but it meant that Petunia could visit her sister more often, something she was only too happy to do.

Chapter Text

Sirius wasn't sure why he was currently standing in front of his ex's office, in disguise.

Oh right. He remembered. Christmas present for Harry.

He heard a faint, "Come in!" from the other side of the door. Dang it - the secretary was right. There wasn't going to be a long wait to see Amelia.

He opened the door. Once inside (and the door closed), he dropped the disguise he had. Amelia immediately had her wand out. "Didn't expect to see you here, Sirius. I never thought I'd see you at the Ministry. I'm sorry I missed your trial. I was quite busy as an auror."

"What trial?" Sirius laughed. "According to Barty Crouch and Minister Bagnold, the evidence was too good for a trial. I went straight to Azkaban for something I didn't do."

"You were the Potter's secret keeper, weren't you?" Amelia said, confusion in her tone.

"Nope," Sirius said. "We changed at the last second. I thought that I was too obvious of a choice, so I said that Peter would be a better one. However, the rat was a Death Eater and betrayed everyone. He told Voldemort where they were hiding, he came and killed everyone but Harry. When I went to check up on them - I knew. He had betrayed them."

"You realise, you have no evidence right?" Amelia said, "The only way I would ever be able to get you cleared if I tried you myself, with Veritaserum and you had Pettigrew himself. I can do the first one - Wizengamot owes me a few favors, and Veritaserum is easy enough to brew. But the last one -"

"Already done." Sirius said smiling, holding up a jar with a rat in it. "You know how I told you that James, Peter, and I were Animagus after I proposed to you?"

"Yes. And you told me that he was a rat." Amelia said, "The jar is charmed against the animagus transformation, right?"

"I'm not an idiot you know." Sirius said. "By the way, our engagement was never officially broken off -"

"I know." Amelia said smiling. "As soon as your cleared, how about a summer wedding? After the whole Tri-Wizard Tournament thing."

"I'm fine with that." Sirius smiled.

"And I'm sure I can do something about your god-son's guardianship." Amelia said. "Though, technically, according to the Potter's wills, he should have gone to Alice Longbottom. She was Harry's godmother, and Lily was Neville's."

"That would be awesome." Sirius said.

Harry was having a rather bad morning. Stupid Yule Ball.

The Great Hall however, seemed to be very chatty.

"Harry!" Hermione yelled. "You have to read the Daily Prophet! Front page!"

"It's not Skeeter again, is it?" Harry groaned.

"It may be Skeeter," Ron said, "The contents of the article will make you happy. Siriusly."

Harry just grabbed the article and started reading. By the end of it, he was grinning.

Sirius Black - Cleared of All Charges! Falsely accused for a crime he didn't commit and IMPRISONED WITHOUT A TRIAL?

By Rita Skeeter

For the past year and a half, Ministry Officials have been hunting down Sirius Black, the only person to ever escape Azkaban. Everyone's been wondering how he did it, and whether or not he'd be able to do it again, should he go back. That's why Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge ordered Dementors to Kiss him on site.

However, Sirius Black isn't as dark as we've all thought him to be. Black was a close friend of the Potters and was godfather to their only child, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and currently a Tri-Wizard Tournament Champion, and their presumed Secret Keeper. It seemed clear that Black had betrayed the Potters' to He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Named. New evidence provided by Head of Magical Law Enforcement, Amelia Bones, and Black's former fiancee before his imprisonment, stated that Black didn't do anything he was accused of.

In a private trial headed by Madam Bones herself, which this reporter wasn't able to be part of but the details were released to me by Madam Bones, states that the actual Secret Keeper of the Potters and the killer of those twelve muggles on November 1st, 1981 was actually Peter Pettigrew!

Madam Bones didn't allow me to know anything else about the trial, but she has issued a statement. "I'm very relieved that Sirius didn't do anything he was accused of. In fact, I'm quite appalled that he was even accused of doing such things, and that Minister Bagnold didn't even allow him to have a trial to prove his innocence. All other Death Eaters had a trial, but Sirius didn't."

It shocks me that a Head of an Ancient and Noble House like Black could be accused of something like that and not be given a trial! Millicent Bagnold cannot be prosecuted as she died of a heart attack last year, but Barty Crouch Sr, the Head of the Wizengamot at the time, will be faced with some serious charges.

When I asked what Black planned to do, now cleared of all charges he stated: "I'm going to be getting married to my lovely fiancee Amelia, and I'm going to officially taking guardianship over my godson, like I was supposed to, thirteen years ago."

For more on Black, see page 2.

For more on Madam Bones, see page 3.

For more on the Wizengamot, see page 4.

For more on Peter Pettigrew, see page 5.

Harry couldn't help but cheer.

He admitted it. He danced on the table. Hermione and Ron even joined him.

Chapter Text

This is something I found on Tumblr. I don't think it's true, but it could have happened!

"Potter, can you stay behind for a second?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Sure Professor." Harry said, though he was confused. What did Professor McGonagall want with him? He hadn't done anything wrong, as far as he knew.

Sure there had been the whole flying a car to Hogwarts thing two weeks ago, but nothing else had happened.

"Now, I know that you don't need anymore reason to hate Voldemort," McGonagall started. "But I feel like this is something you should know. I was one of the few people who did, other than Alice and Frank Longbottom, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Amelia Bones."

Now Harry was even more confused. Alice and Frank Longbottom? Who were they? Were they Neville's parents, or relatives or some sort? Who were Sirius Black and Remus Lupin? And who was Amelia Bones? Was she related to Susan Bones, that Hufflepuff in her year?

"I'm sure that none of those names means anything to you." McGonagall sighed. "Do you happen to have that book that Hagrid gave you last year?"

Harry nodded, taking it out of his bag. He always took it with him. McGonagall took it and flipped through it until she reached a page and then turned it back to him. "This is Alice Longbottom, with her husband Frank. Alice was a good friend of your mother's. In fact, they were best friends. They each decided when they got pregnant around the same time, that they would be the godmother for each other's child. On July 30th, 1980, Alice gave birth to Neville Frank Longbottom. The next day, Lily gave birth to you."

Harry blinked. He and Neville were godbrothers? Why had nobody ever bothered to tell him?

McGonagall flipped to another page. "This is Remus Lupin. He was a good friend of your father's. He applied for guardianship over you when your parents died, but because of something he couldn't help, his request was subsequently denied." She sighed again. Obviously, whatever this Lupin guy was ostracized for, Professor McGonagall didn't like it.

She turned the page again, to the wedding photo of his parents. She pointed to a guy standing next to his father. "This was your father's best friend, Sirius Black. A lot of people believed that he was working for Voldemort since he was their secret keeper, but Sirius would never do something like that. He and James were like brothers. I would have gone to his trial, but the date was never publically stated. I haven't heard from him in…oh…eleven years now. I think that they must have changed the secret keeper at the last moment, but never told anyone."

Harry took note of this. So this Sirius Black was supposed the person who betrayed his parents to Voldemort, but according to Professor McGonagall, this wasn't something that Sirius would have done. If he ever met the guy, he would at least hear him out.

She flipped the page to a picture of the Longbottoms, Lupin, Black, and his parents dancing. Black was dancing with a witch with bright red hair, dark blue eyes and was laughing. "This is Amelia Bones, the aunt of Susan Bones, and the fiancee of Sirius Black. They were supposed to get married that winter, but because of him going off to Azkaban..." McGonagall trailed off.

"Anyways, only the six of us knew what I'm about to tell you. Lily had only found out about it the day before, and they were going to tell their friend Peter Pettigrew but they died before they could." Professor McGonagall said. "Lily was pregnant with her second child when she died."

Harry felt all the blood drain out of his face.

If Voldemort hadn't come...he would have been an older brother?

"I felt like you should know, since I'm the only person that could tell you at the moment. I was James' god-mother, which is why I know." McGonagall said.

"Thank you, Professor, for telling me." Harry said quietly. "Do you think you can dismiss me from my other classes? I don't think I could make it."

"Of course. I'll let Filius and Binns know." McGonagall said.

So apparently J.K. Rowling has revealed that Lily was pregnant when she died and somehow talked James into making Severus Snape the godfather. I don't see this happening, seeing as how Snape was a Death Eater at the time.

Plus, I couldn't find anything about J.K. Rowling actually stating that in an interview.

So it's probably just a headcanon, but what the hell! Let's do it!

I've always felt like there should be a reason McGonagall liked James and Sirius so much. Then I thought...why not make her James' godmother?

And I absolutely love Sirius X Amelia.

Chapter Text

My first thought for Snape being more batlike than a vampire was: Twilight.

I personally don't like the books. I've read 'em, but I like the movies much more, can't stand Bella, and I think that Robert Pattinson should never have had to play Edward. HE SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN HARRY POTTER and that CEDRIC DIGGORY NEVER SHOULD HAVE DIED!

The only reason I even read the books was to compare them to the movies. Alice and Jasper were the only people I could actually stand.


"Wonder who our new teacher is?" Hermione said, walking into the DADA room. The curtains were drawn completely back, letting no sunlight in whatsoever. However, the room was bright with florescent lighting usually only seen in muggle schools lighting the room.

"How did they do that?" Harry whispered. Hermione could only shrug.

"Hello everyone!" A cheerful pixie girl said from where she was standing. She was extremely pale, her eyes were golden, and she was wearing muggle clothing. "I'm your new DADA professor, Alice Cullen!"

Never in the six years that they had taken DADA had they had such a...cheerful professor.

"I'd just like to warn all of you that I'm a vampire, but I only drink animal blood." Professor Cullen said. "But just in case, try not to spill any blood, and please if I start to attack people, stun the hell out of me and pour some blood down my throat. No human blood though."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked at each other. Not even Professor Lupin had flat out told them that they were a werewolf. Why would this person tell them that they were a vampire?

"Now, let's go over the rules of this classroom. First of all! Wands will be used at all times. None of that awful theory work. Second of all! I personally am not magical. The most magical thing about me is my ability to see the future -" She trailed off. "By the way - Malfoy - you aren't going to want to try and kill Dumbledore in June. It'll just end up badly for you. Also, Harry, keep that Potions book of yours! It'll definitely help you prosper."

Everyone blinked at the so called Vampire teacher.

"And third of all, under no circumstances are you to prank somebody without me being in on it!" Professor Cullen said grinning.

"I think I would have rather had Snape for DADA." Harry said shocked as they walked out of the DADA room. "At least then, we would have known what to expect."

"I absolutely loved that lesson." Hermione said. "Nothing in the books we've had talked in so much detail about vampires! Who knew that there was something in their skin that made them sparkle!"

"Guess that debunks the theory that's Snapes a vampire. Otherwise, he'd have sparkled by now." Ron sighed.

"Maybe there's some sort of lotion that he puts on to keep himself from sparkling?" Neville suggested. "There's no way that he's not a vampire."

"We just met a vampire." Harry pointed out. "Snape isn't anything like her. Therefore, he isn't a vampire."

Chapter Text

Inspired by a tumblr headcanon made between daddycroftalwaysblind, and had-just-ten-hours-of-training

Harry Potter, Age 35, Running Around Muggle London, Naked!

By Rita Skeeter

Over the past two and a half decades, we've come to rely on Harry Potter.

After all, he is the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice, The 'Chosen One', Defeater of He-Who-Couldn't-Be-Named SIX times, and our current Head Auror.

However, now, we may have to withdrawn our subscriptions to the Harry Potter Fan Club, because our beloved hero has gone bonkers!

Ginny Potter, Harry's wife, stated that earlier in the week, he received a sinus infection that couldn't healed with magic. This infection causes serious shooting pains to the head and according to Mrs. Potter, it's exactly like the kind he dealt with when He-Who-Couldn't-Be-Named was still bothering him.

"Harry gets super paranoid with even the slightest head-ache. It's something that was brought on with Mad-Eye's death eighteen years ago, and just grew worse during that camping trip of theirs," Mrs. Potter stated. "According to the healers at St. Mungo's, it's supposed to last only for a couple of days. For Harry, a few days with a headache is torture."

Indeed it is, considering at the moment, our beloved Boy-Who-Lived is running around London in his birthday suit, firing off expelliarmus'. He's been reported to be arrested five times so far for public indecency, but that doesn't seem to be stopping him.

This reporter will keep you posted as it happens!

Chapter Text

Stupid Tumblr and their awesome ideas!

(Thank you 'themaraudersaredead' and 'rosalui' for this awesome headcanon!)

Sirius Black was a proud Gryffindor.

He loved the fact that his house caused his mother and father to have so much anguish. He took Muggle Studies to cause them even more anguish, and made as many references to pop culture in the Muggle World as much as possible.

He was eventually disowned for it, but he honestly didn't care. While his father, Orion, never officially disowned him, he knew he wasn't welcome at Grimmauld Place anymore.

And then, he found an amazing website on the internet that allowed you to create T-Shirts! He immediately created two of them. They were blinding white with the words: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only. He sent one to Andromeda and got an angry reply back, saying that she'll never wear it.

During his time in Azkaban, he completely forgot about it. Maybe Kreacher had found it and tossed it away.

Fourteen Years Ago...

"Mistress! Guess what! Sirius has been placed in Azkaban for killing twelve muggles!" Kreacher exclaimed, holding out the paper to his mistress.

"Really?" Walburga Black asked, grabbing the paper from Kreacher's hands. "I didn't know he had it in him."

"They are sending all of his stuff from his flat here." Kreacher said.

"Alright - put it in his old bedroom. I don't have any use for it." Walburga said.

"Yes Mistress." Kreacher said. He grabbed each box and put them into Sirius' old room. One of the boxes broke and everything came out when he put it down. He carefully refolded the box and started placing everything back in it when he found a shirt that said BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only.

He had to admit that he chuckled.

Nymphadora Tonks was sorting through some of her mum's old things when she came across a shirt that said: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only.

Hey, She thought. I have that Order meeting tomorrow. I should wear this!

She grabbed the shirt and threw it in the wash, so it'd be ready for the next day.

"I now call this meeting into session." Albus Dumbledore said. "Everyone, please introduce yourselves."

So it went on and on. Finally it got to be her turn.

"I'm Tonks," she said, standing up. "Just Tonks."

"Hey! I remember making those shirts!" Sirius Black (who apparentlywas innocent of all charges! Who knew?) said. "Your Andromeda's kid, right?"

Tonks only nodded. Sirius Black made this shirt? COOL!

Kreacher, who had been serving tea, said, "Oh - I remember that shirt. It's up in your old room if you want it."

Sirius raced up to his old room and found the shirt and threw it on.

"Okay, I'm back." He said.

"Mind telling the story behind the shirts?" Remus Lupin asked. Damn...he's hot Tonks thought.

"One day I was surfing the internet and I found this T-Shirt creation site. I created two shirts that said: BLACK SHEEP - Disowned Family Members Only. It's part of my club for disowned members of the Black Family." He shrugged. "You can return to the meeting now."

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was sitting in the Great Hall in silence. Ron had just finished getting an earful from his mother about flying that car to school. Now he was waiting for Sirius' answer.

Would he be mad? Would he be proud?

He felt like had it been any other situation, Sirius would have been proud. Right now, he was kind of leaning toward mad.

And that's when the Howler came flying in. The whole hall was gearing up for another howler. No doubt this would be good. The howler was dropped in front of him and he tried to calmly open the letter up.


"SIRIUS, NO! Your supposed to be correcting his mistakes, not encouraging them!" He heard his unrelated uncle Remus Lupin cry in the background.

Fred and George Weasley on the other hand, were focusing on the fact that Sirius Black was supposedly a Marauder...

"YOU KNOW THE MARAUDERS?" They cried at Harry. Harry just blinked at them.

"Yeah, I know them." Harry said, no longer paying attention the howler that had just become a screaming match between Sirius and Remus (BST anyone?). "Dad was Prongs, Sirius is Padfoot, and Remus - that's the guy who just yelled: "SIRIUS, YOU DAMN IDIOT!" is Moony. We try not to talk about Wormtail."

Fred, George, and Lee all started bowing at Harry's feet saying, "We aren't worthy! We aren't worthy!"

Needless to say, it was one of the most interesting mornings at Hogwarts in a long time.

Chapter Text

"You know what I really hate about the Wizarding World?" Harry Potter asked loudly at the Gryffindor Table one breakfast morning. "99.99 percent of the populace are all mindless sheep."

"What on Earth are you talking about?" snarled the newly appointed Headmistress Umbridge. Though the students preferred 'Umbitch'…

"Think about it, Professor. Everyone follows whatever somebody says in this world, without questioning it at all. The three biggest contenders to this are Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, and then Voldemort himself."

"You-Know-Who isn't –" Umbridge screeched, but was cut off by Harry.

"Oh I know that you're one of Fudge's sheep." Harry said. "Just like the Death Eaters are Riddle's sheep, and all the people who cling to whatever Dumbledore says are his sheep."

"That's…a very odd way of looking at it." Flitwick said slowly.

"Why thank you. In fact, in some ways, I'm one of Dumbledore's sheep. The only people I know that aren't mindless sheep are Luna Lovegood and her father. I'm partially a mindless sheep since I listen to what Dumbledore says more than anybody else."

"Looney is the only person that isn't a so-called mindless sheep?" Pansy Parkinson screeched. "I hate sheep."

"Then you really must hate yourself." Harry shook his head. "'Cause you, Draco, and the rest of those pure-blood fanatics are some of the most mindless sheep I've seen. Ever."


"Ah – just shut up, won't you?" Harry said. "When you start to form your own opinions, rather than blindly follow your father's, then maybe I won't see you as a mindless sheep."

Malfoy growled.

"Oh – growling are you?" Harry laughed. "That's utterly hilarious. I wonder what your reaction would be to the fact that our lovely Headmistress is in fact, a half-blood. Her mother was a muggle, and her brother was a squib! Or what about the fact that Voldemort, also known as Tom Riddle, is a descendant of Salazar Slytherin, and a half-blood as well! If you respect him oh so much, then why have you never questioned on how he's never told you his last name? He flaunts his heritage, but can't back it up without revealing that his father was a muggle!"

The whole hall quieted down in shock.

Umbridge sputtered. "How dare you instate that I'm not of pure-blood! I'm a pure-blood, through and through!"

"Not according to Gringotts' family trees you aren't." Harry said in a sing-song voice. "Dolores Jane Umbridge, eldest daughter of pure-blood Orford Umbridge and his wife, the muggle Ellen Umbridge, nee Cracknell. She has a younger brother who was born with no magic. Orford and Ellen split when Dolores was 15. Cracknell took the son while Umbridge took the daughter." Harry said, reading off a page with Gringotts seal. "Oh, and isn't it illegal to falsify your family tree? 'Cuz Ministry records say that you're the daughter of Orford Umbridge and his pure-blood wife, Ellen Cracknell. Also, they say that your younger brother never exsisted and was 'a figment of my imagination – something that helped me get through the horrible break-up between my mother and father.'" Harry said.

Umbridge was a shade that would have made Vernon Dursley very proud.

"How dare you!" Umbridge roared. "HOW DARE YOU!"

"You know what the best part is? On the other side of that door, there's a bunch of Aurors who just heard everything I just said. And judging by your reaction – it's all true!" Harry said with glee as the Aurors burst into the room.

Everyone was eternally grateful that Umbridge ended up getting sent to Azkaban.

"Who knew that Decree #342 made by Barlett the Bossy that states that falsifying a family tree is punishable by life in Azkaban!" Hermione said cheerfully.

"Damn… that's another professor gone." Dumbledore sighed. "Better call Remus…"

Chapter Text

That year, they were hosting three people from a school called Magnoshuttat Academy for Magic. They already had to deal with Umbridge, but the three of them were sorted into Gryffindor, and as such, were welcomed.

There was Aladdin – the blue haired, blue eyed eleven year old, Sphintus Carmen – the guy with the natural tan and snake around his neck, and Titus Alexius – the guy who seemed more feminine than masculine.

And Draco Malfoy was currently holding his hand out to Aladdin.

"My name is Draco Malfoy. I'm going to allow us to be friends."

Sphintus and Titus stood off to the side, waiting for what Aladdin would do. The last time somebody held out their hand to Aladdin, well…that was a memory Titus rather would forget.

Aladdin reached out, as if he intended to grab his hand, but went further than Malfoy's hand, and grabbed the fifteen year old's chest, feeling for something.

"Is this some kind of weird Magnoshuttat ritual?" Malfoy asked, confused.

Aladdin sighed as he stepped back. "Sorry, it's just that because of your high voice and rather big butt, I thought you were a boy. Turns out you're a guy, aren't you?"

The whole hall grew quiet, before bursting out laughing.

Sphintus and Titus were on the ground laughing. "Oh my gosh – he did it again! Now that you mention it Aladdin, he does have some curves!"

Malfoy's eye twitched.


Chapter Text

Hogwarts never had a Physical Education class before. In the eyes of most witches and wizards – there was simply no need to exercise. Magic was more important to them then making sure that they were healthy.

In fact, since so many witches and wizards were letting themselves go instead of maintaining their body's health, the newest department of the Ministry of Magic – the Health and Education department, set a new class in place.

Physical Education, commonly known to all as "PE".

To those who liked sports – it was generally welcomed. To those who couldn't be bothered to work out, even if it could save their life – it wasn't as welcomed. Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore didn't know any witches and wizards that could be qualified to teach PE.

He called some friends, and one of them was good friends with an anti-hero, and comic book star – Wade Wilson. After having a quick interview with the man, Albus had hired him.

He was the first PE teacher of Hogwarts (but he certainly wasn't the last!). His contract was only for a year, so they'd have to find a new one next year, or convince the man to stay if he was well-liked with the school's students and faculty.

On September 2nd, the Third Years of all four houses trudged through the damp grass to the Black Lake, where they were told the newest class would be taking place. When they got there, they found a person standing there wearing a bright red spandex suit, a red mask that covered his face completely, with two black spots surrounding his eyes and white lenses. On his back were two katana, and strapped around his waist with twin holsters were two handguns. Strapped to his thigh was a knife that looked sharp enough to cut through someone's limb.

"Hi. I'm your newest teacher. Wade Wilson. Call me Deadpool." The man – their newest Professor said. "Now, I'm sure you're all wondering what's with the red suit, right?"

The entire class nodded except for the muggleborns – who just looked on at the man with either awe or terror. It was hard to tell, especially for those who had a mix of both.

"Well, that's so my enemies don't see me bleed." Professor Deadpool said. "Any more questions?" He turned to look of to the side – as if he was speaking to an audience. "By now, you wonderful people must be wondering whose balls I had to fondle to get my own chapter. Well – I can't say her name, but it rhymes with 'hickey'. Only, she doesn't really have any balls to speak of…" He trailed off. He turned back to 'his' class. "So – again, anymore questions?"

Each one of them just shook their heads – the pure-bloods and half-bloods just looking at the man in confusion. What was their teacher doing just then – speaking to himself?

"Now, can you little fuckers all introduce yourselves?" He asked, looking at 'his' class. One of them raised their hand. "And you are…?"

"Morag MacDougal. But I go by Negasonic Teenage Warhead."

"Negasonic Teenage… what the shit?" Professor Deadpool exclaimed. "That's the coolest name ever." He turned to the other thirty-nine. "Alright – give me your names and I will give you the best bad-ass names I can come up with. Negasonic here won't need one." He handed a foam flower to Lavender Brown.

"My name is Lavender Brown." She said, looking at the foam flower with confusion.

"I've currently got nothing – but I assure you, you will be receiving a badass nickname within the near future." Professor Deadpool said. "The rest of you – introduce yourselves!"

And so, they introduced themselves.

"Oh – I've already got one for you." Professor Deadpool said. "From now on, you shall be dubbed – Roonil Wazlib." He said, pointing at Ron. He turned to Hermione, "I think for now we should just call you Athena – smart and wise and all that shit, and then badass at the same time. As for Potter… I think we should just call you Bambi."

"Bambi?" Harry asked incredulously. "Why Bambi?"

Professor Deadpool turned to the side again, looking out into the distance. "You would have to be really stupid is you didn't know about Bambi – that iconic deer from that Disney movie that people show their kids but honestly never gave two shits about. As for why Bambi – well, he was a baby deer, right? The rest behind that will be explained later." He shrugged.

"Any who…since I know your fucking names now…RUN!" He said, whipping out one of his guns and shooting it into the air. "Oh shit… I forgot to load the blanks." He looked at his gun, and the position that it had gone up. "Too bad…"

Later, during the second term, Professor Deadpool stood up in front of the entire Great Hall at dinnertime.

"So it turns out I have to talk to you about a certain thing I've heard that a lot of you upper classmen have done." He turned to look at the sixth and seventh years. "Congrats on getting laid!" He exclaimed. "Anyways – I don't really want to talk about that. You guys don't really want to hear that. So I've come up with a compromise. This video – muggle as it may be – will tell you everything you need to know." He said, popping a disc into a muggle video player.

The screen loaded up and Professor Deadpool immediately hit the word 'PLAY'. After a few warnings about plagiarism and all that – how it was a licensed movie – so on and so forth, the title card showed up.

Casa Erotica 3

Chapter Text

After the whole "showing a porno to kids" thing, Wade Wilson, known to his students as Professor Deadpool, was subsequently fired. Apparently it wasn't appropriate for kids or something.

Who knew?

Anyways, Professor Dumbledore reached out to an old colleague of his from his short travels around the world – Hiruzen Sarutobi, who he heard was now the Hokage of his village!

Hiruzen was kind enough to lend one of his top shinobi – Might Gai. Surely, he would perform better than Wade Wilson…right?


"Hello my Youthful students!" Gai cried during his first class – with the Fourth Years. "I am your new PE Professor – Professor Gai!" All forty of the students were looking at their teacher in shock.

You would too if your teacher had shiny black hair in a bowl style cut, had thick eyebrows, wearing a green spandex suit with orange legwarmers and a red sash-like thing around his waist, along with a green flak jacket.

"Guy?" asked Negasonic Teenage Warhead, AKA Morag MacDougal. "Like, Guy Fieri? The Restaurateur?"

"No, my Youthful student!" Gai yelled. "GAI! G-A-I! I can see that your FLAMES OF YOUTH are burning brightly! Might I ask, what your name is?"

"It's Morag MacDougal, but I go by Negasonic Teenage Warhead." Negasonic said, running her hand through her choppy dark hair boredly.

"Nonsense! There shall be no nicknames in my class!" the Professor yelled, almost as if he was offended by the very thought of a nickname.

"Yes!" Ron screamed happily. "That means that I'll no longer be known as Roonil Wazlib!"

"And I won't be named Bambi anymore!"

"I was just getting used to being called 'Athena'!" Hermione exclaimed unhappily.

"Full names, so I can determine just how YOUTHFUL your name is, and then we shall start with our training!"

"Morag Morgan MacDougal." Negasonic sighed. Or as she was now known, Morag.

But then again, with a name like Morag, wouldn't you rather be named Negasonic?

"Hermione Jean Granger." Hermione said, seeing as she was next to Nega – Morag. Definitely Morag.

"Parlez vous français?" Gai asked.

"Oui, je parle français." Hermione replied. "Je suis surpris que vous parlez le professeur français!"

"Most are, but with somebody who's still in the Springtime of their Youth, like me, I would expect nothing less!" Gai said.

The rest of them introduced themselves with Gai nodded and crying about 'how youthful their names were'. Finally, when only an hour was left of the period, he said. "In this bag that I have beside me are your uniforms. I expect all of you to be wearing them next class! Alright, I think we should start with fifty laps around the lake."

"Professor," cried Sue Li. "The lake is ten miles around! It's next to impossible to run around it."

"Nothing is impossible Li!" Gai cried. "Which is why if you fail at the fifty laps, you'll just have to three hundred pushups on your knuckles! And if you fail that, then a hundred sit-ups! And if you fail at that –"

All forty of them started to run around the lake.

"In the amazingness of their Youth," Gai said, "I forgot to mention that they were supposed to be wearing twenty pound weights…"

Later, during Christmas, all the students were seeming to be quite healthier, all thanks to Professor Gai.

"I think I might ask him to come back next year!" Professor Dumbledore said cheerfully. "That is, if he gets by the ultimate challenge…the Health lecture."

Professor McGonagall and Snape nodded solemnly.

After the second term began, it was time for the much dreaded, and at the same time, highly anticipated lecture.

"A baby – so full of Youth – is born when two extremely Youthful people create one during their Springtime of Youth, their flames of Youth burning brightly!" Gai explained.

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in the two years its had a Physical Education class, had gone through two teachers. While this was nothing new – they had a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher each year after all – it wasn't very welcomed by the Hogwarts Board of Directors.

"Welcome back to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore said, "Now, before we start the feast, we have three new staff changes. Professor Grubbly-Plank will be taking over the Care for Magical Creatures class until our esteemed groundskeeper returns from his study of magical creatures in Majorca, Spain. Joining our staff this year is Professor Dolores Umbridge, who will be taking over DADA this year, and Professor Myers, the new Physical Education teacher all the way from Magnostadt Academy, which is located in Iran."

Everyone clapped – out of courtesy if nothing else.


"Alright, I'm your teacher – Myers." The purple-haired, golden-eyed teacher said. "I've been given a year to whip you into shape. And I'll do in half of that time." She said, eyes gleaming. "Witches and Wizards are known to be feeble, but you are the most feeble of them!" She yelled.

"Now, I want all of you to run around the Black Lake – if you stop…well, you won't like it!" She said, cracking her red whip.

All forty of them raced off. "So…they can actually run, unlike those in the Sixth Kodor, hm?" She shrugged, "Maybe Wilson and Gai were good influences…" She trailed off. "Nah – those two are never good influences…"

Forty minutes later, Hermione dropped to the ground, panting. Myers immediately zapped her with her whip, which got Hermione to start running again – though considerably slower than when she was running before.

"Dang…our teacher isn't afraid to show off, is she?" Pansy Parkinson one day, looking over their teacher's outfit.

Indeed, Professor Myers wasn't afraid to show off. She wore a metal tube-top, a metal thong, thigh-high metal boots, and a small black cape over her belt. Most of her hair was up in a top-knot, with two tresses running down over her shoulders.

"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?" Myers yelled. "Come on – Palmeruian Rabbit Jumps!"

Those jumps were weird to say the least. You held your hands behind your head, and jump entirely with your legs up a high step.

"PUSH UPS!" Myers ordered next. "SIT-UPS!"

"Why do we even have a PE class?" Draco Malfoy complained. "It's not like it's useful or anything!"

Unfortunately for Malfoy, Myers overheard.

"Not useful, hm?" She asked. "Well, guess what, you ignorant idiot, it may not seem like it, but exercising helps to boost your magical power. You might complain – 'That's not true! Dumbledore and You-Know-Who don't exercise, but they are so powerful!'. Well, guess what, they could be twenty times more powerful if they actually exercised!"

After that, Neville, Harry, Ron, and Hermione all started working hard. Most of the school did in fact. The only person who didn't try was Morag McDougal – or as she was recently re-dubbed, Negasonic Teenaged Warhead.

"Nah – I won't need it yet. I'm going to join the X-Men." she said, shrugging.

Chapter Text

'Professor' Dolores Umbridge was currently standing at the golden podium - something that was hardly used for something other than for the three feasts they had throughout the year. Most of the students were wishing that they had ignored the notices in the common rooms that told them to be in the Great Hall by 8 am, and just have picked up their breakfast in the kitchens.
"Hem, hem." Umbridge coughed. It was as fake as ever. "I've called all of you today to let you know about a recent update on Hogwarts. As the Headmistress, it is my duty to inform you of such matters. Starting next year, by the decree of the Minister himself, only those who can prove they are of magical blood may attend this fine establishment."
"What?!" Three-Fourths of the Hall yelled - teachers included.
"You can't do that!" Flitwick said, "This school was established a hundred years before the Ministry! The Founders agreed to the terms set by the first Minister - the Ministry can't decide anything that happens within these walls without the approval of the Headmaster or Headmistress! And this castle doesn't recognize you as the Headmistress. If it did, you wouldn't be locked out of the Headmaster's office."
"Oh Filius, don't you read the Prophet?" Umbridge asked sweetly. "Just last week, the Minister rescinded that agreement and placed Hogwarts under the Ministry's control. We decide the curriculum, the students, the teachers, and what's allowed in these hallowed halls."
Minerva huffed, "You realize how much trouble you'll be in with the Goblins? That agreement was overseen by Ragnok the First himself. If the Goblins here the Ministry has broken that agreement? Well, then we'll have a war and an uprising to deal with."

Umbridge just shot Minerva a dirty glare – obviously she didn't want that to be mentioned. "As I was saying, only those who can prove that they have wizarding parents, grandparents or ancestors," She snarled the last word, as if she despised the very thought. "Will be able to attend Hogwarts next year. You must provide a family tree provided by Gringotts Wizarding Bank. The cost is fifteen sickles for every hundred years."

And that's when she was hit in the face with mashed potatoes.

"Who threw that!" Umbridge shrieked.

"Ah – just fall asleep already, you old hag!" cried out Colin Creevy, who hurled a turkey leg at her. "FOOD FIGHT!"

It was utter pandemonium! The Slytherins were knocked out by a series of different parts of turkey, mashed potatoes, and Draco Malfoy gained a nasty concussion when Ginny Weasley hurled a bowl full of hot cheese meant for fondue – it had been introduced to the Gryffindors the year before when Beauxbatons had come for the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

The Hufflepuffs were currently showing off on just how badass they could be. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott in particular, were dumping various puddings on Umbridge, who was also being hit with steaks, pickles, fish, and one person with particularly good aim – Zacharias Smith, managed to shove fifteen sticks of asapargus down Umbridge's throat, from his place at the middle of the table – a good thirty feet from the Staff table.

The Ravenclaws were gleefully flinging corn-on-the-cob at their Potions Professor, Snape, because he had purposely sabotaged Cho Chang's potion two hours before. "DOWN WITH THE TYRANTS!" Luna Lovegood yelled, before flinging a steak and kidney pie into Snape's face, who screamed – either with delight or due to the fact that the steak and kidney pie had just arrived.

The Slytherins had tried to stay out of the fighting. Luck, however, wasn't on their side. Eventually, Pansy Parkinson led a wave of Slytherin's 'Best' and throwing peas, cabbage, and was rapping those who got in their way on the shins with some of Hagrid's rock cakes on sticks.

And that's how it became the Epic Food Fight of 1996.

It went into 'Hogwarts, A History: The Unabridged Revised Edition' by Bathilda Bagshot.

Chapter Text

"Cuthbert, honestly, you've been teaching since the Founders were here. I think it's time…" Professor Albus I-Have-Too-Many-Damn-Names Dumbledore said kindly to the old History Professor.

"Eh?" Cuthbert said confused. "Isn't it only 1165?"

"No, Cuthbert, it's 1995." Dumbledore insisted. "You've taught for almost a thousand years." It was true. Cuthbert Oswald Binns had started teaching at the age of 22, but he had been studying to become the second History Professor of Hogwarts since he was sixteen. He had been one of the first students of Hogwarts. After six years of long studying and tests given by Rowena Ravenclaw, Binns had been teaching ever since. When he was nearing his 200th birthday (give or take a few years), he had died when the staff room caught on fire (the Dark Arts professor – DADA didn't exsist until much later – was experimenting with Floo powder. He scurried off to warn the other professors and students, but forgot about Cuthbert).

"I can't stop teaching! It's my life! Has been for nearly three hundred years!" Binns exclaimed. "I can't stop teaching."

"It's time for you to move onto the next plain, I'm afraid." Dumbledore sighed. "Remember, Death is but the next great adventure."

Binns' ghostly eyes grew wide, "Surely, you aren't going to that…are you?"

"Cuthbert Binns, History of Magic Professor, I hereby release you from you post. Please vacate the building immediately." Dumbledore said, "I'm sorry, my friend." He pulled out an old weathered book and turned to page 394. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis con...potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis congregatio et secta diabolica! Ergo, Draco maledicte et omnis...legio diabolica, adiuramus te! Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio! Omnis congregatio et secta diabolica! Ergo, Draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica, adiuramus te!" [1]

"NO!" Binns screeched as his ghostly body dissolved into nothing.

Dumbledore hated using that exorcism – it caused them so much pain…but he admitted that there was sometimes that he needed to use them.

He pulled out a sheet of parchment and started to write.

Dear Arthur Kirkland,


Arthur Kirkland, the personification of the England and the United Kingdom and Ireland, was having a very nice day before the phoenix arrived in his home, exploded, and subsequently ruined his brand new white carpet.

"Can't have anything bloody new these days," Arthur grumbled. Just last week, Alfred had drenched his lovely carpet with those awful sugary drinks of his, which had prompted him to get brand new carpet.

Now he was seeing how much of a mistake that was.

He grabbed the letter that the phoenix had dropped before exploding – in fact, the bird was reforming as he looked at the letter.

"Hogwarts, hm?" He thought. That was Scotland's school, and he admitted that back in 991 when the school was first opened, he was one of the first to be sorted… Ah…Slytherin!

He opened the letter and started reading.

Dear Arthur Kirkland,

This is Professor Albus Dumbledore. I heard about you from previous headmasters and mistresses and was wondering if you would be able to fill in the position of History of Magic. I'm afraid our last one – Cuthbert Binns (I'm sure you remember him; he was a year behind you at school) was recently exorcised.

If you can't fill the position, please correspond to me through Fawkes.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

P.S. I'm sorry about your carpet. Nothing a good 'Scorgify' can't fix though.

"Bloody fool." Arthur muttered as he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled his reply on it. "Of course I'll take the bloody job! Who in this country know History better than I do?"


"And now, for staff changes!" Dumbledore said from where he stood at the golden podium. "First we have the one you are all expecting – Defense Against the Dark Arts. Will you please welcome, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister Madam Dolores Jane Umbridge?" A few clapped, but other than that, you could hear the crickets chirping.

A few glares from the teachers indicated what they thought of that, and immediately, everyone clapped.

"Now…yes… please welcome back Professor Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank, who will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures until our esteemed groundskeeper returns from his study of magical creatures at the beaches of South France!"

A lot more claps resounded the hall. The main contenders were Pavarti Patil, Lavender Brown, and the Slytherins who took CoMC.

"And, at last, but certainly not least, is Professor Arthur Kirkland, who will be overseeing History of Magic!" This immediately got thousands of claps – NOBODY liked Binns, not even the Slytherins. Privately, they all agreed that they didn't care if the teacher was a muggle or not – they just wanted somebody other than Binns. "Alright, settle down." Dumbledore said, letting three sparks fly from his wand. "Professor Cuthbert Binns has sadly passed onto the next plain. Mr. Filch has decreed it to be an exorcism." Dumbledore's eyes didn't hold any of the usual twinkle. "Professor Kirkland has asked to be allowed to say a few words, so here he is."

Everyone clapped.

"Thanks for the applause." The blond haired, green-eyed, twenty-three year old professor said, "As Professor Dumbledore mentioned, I'm your new Professor for History of Magic. I would just like to mention that you won't need your text books, but you will be need a crap ton of ink, quills, and parchment. For all of you who are first years – you guys are lucky. I don't have to cover as much. Same with second and third years. Fourth through seventh years, I have to get you up to speed on anywhere from three to six years and I'm only giving myself three weeks to do so you can focus on your grade level. I suggest that all of you at least skim through your textbooks, as there will be a pre-test." Professor Kirkland said. "Also, for all you blood supremacists who are wondering, I'm a pure-blood, I was in Slytherin, and I love muggleborns. Hate me all you want." He smiled before returning to his seat.

"I think we just met a decent Slytherin." Ron said, almost appalled at the fact.

"Dunno…I think we'll have to wait for the first class to be certain." Harry said. "We should probably study those textbooks tonight…"

"I'm so glad I forced the two of you to bring yours." Hermione sighed happily. "Otherwise, you'd have to wait for the library to have them again."

"True… I'd hate to that." Ron shuddered.


"Yes!" Hermione said, taking a look at her schedule. "History of Magic – first period!"

Harry and Ron found themselves, for the first time, excited about History of Magic. How was this going to go?

They stepped into the History of Magic classroom and sat down in the same seats they had for years.

"When I call your name, just say 'here' or, if you want to, you can say it in a different language. Though I'd prefer English." Professor Kirkland said at the start of class. "Actually, first rule of History of Magic. Don't speak any French."

Everyone nodded. "Alright, Abbott, Hannah."


"Bones, Susan."

"Salve!" the red headed Hufflepuff yelled from her seat.

"Oh…Latin? Very nice. Everyone should practice their Latina. It makes spell casting a whole lot easier." Professor Kirkland. Hermione immediately scribbled a note in her agenda.

"Malfoy, Draco."

"Ici!" Malfoy said smugly.

Professor Kirkland's eye twitched. "Five points from Slytherin, I said No FRENCH!"

Malfoy wasn't looking so smug afterwords.

"Damn, I think I like him!" Ron whispered. "A Slytherin taking points off of a Slytherin? Unheard of!"

"Sh!" Hermione hissed.

"Potter, Harry." For once, their teacher didn't immediately hate him and/or start praising him.

"Here." Harry replied.

"Weasley, Ron."

"Here." Ron said.

"Alright everyone, take out a sheet of parchment." Professor Kirkland said. "This is going to be a ten-question pre-test. It's just so I can gauge how much revision we'll have to do. I have to prepare you for your O.W.L.s after all. Judging by the lesson plans Professor Binns left…" He looked at a piece of parchment. "The only things you've covered are the Gargoyle Strike of 1911, the Soap Blizzard of 1378, the Werewolf Code of Conduct, Emeric the Evil, Elfric the Eager, the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards, the International Warlock Convention of 1289, the Witch Hunts, several Goblin Rebellions, and you began Giant Wars last semester. That sound about right?"

Those who actually paid attention in class (Hermione and a couple of Ravenclaws) all nodded.

"How many of you have spent the last four years using this class as nap time?" 30 out of the 40 students raised their hands. "Well…that changes now. History of Magic is something that's very complex. It often time interacts with Muggle History, so we will be covering some, but not a lot." Professor Kirkland said. "Now, let's start with the pre-test."

He laid the parchment down on his desk and grabbed another piece of parchment. "Alright, question 1. Describe what the Gargoyle Strike of 1911 was about and explain why it occurred."

They started scratching down the answers. Harry could dimly remember to back in first year when Binns was talking about it, but he was pretty sure that he fell asleep. He started writing.

The Gargoyle Strike of 1911 was a wildcat strike of Gargoyles that took place in 1911. He wrote. There was nothing else he could remember about that. [2]

"Question 2, what occurred due to the Soap Blizzard of 1378?" Professor Kirkland questioned.

Ugh…he was pretty sure he fell asleep in that lecture too…

The economy crashed (?). He was pretty sure it didn't crash due to a bit of soap, but it was the best he could come up with.

"Question 3, Why did the Werewolf Code of Conduct ultimately fail?"

Nobody was going to openly admit that they were a werewolf, and therefore, it didn't get any signatures, and was ultimately dropped. Harry wrote. That was something he remembers Hermione ranting about at the end of first year.

"Question 4, Emeric the Evil is often mixed up with Uric the Oddball. However, there is a significant difference, something that Emeric is remembered for. What is that difference, and why did it lead to his death?"

Emeric the Evil was a duelist that died at the hand of Egbert the Egergious. Harry wrote. Hmm…he knew that he was forgetting something….what was it? Oh yeah… Egbert was after Emeric's wand, which was rumored to be the most powerful wand in the world. It's known as the Wand of Destiny.

He remembered Binns talking about something like that…or was it Hermione?

"Question 5, Elfric the Eager was a goblin that led an uprising. What uprising was this?"

Ugh. He remembered Hermione mentioning Elfric back in first year – something about an uprising, but he wasn't sure which one… Hermione had already scribbled her answer down on her paper, grinning. Apparently she was happy about finally putting her knowledge to use.

He scrawled down the first one he remembered. The Goblin Rebellion of 1612 that took place in Hogsmaede.

"Question 6, Give a brief description on what the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards does, and name as many recipients of their reward as possible."

Harry decided he was just going to call it MAEW. Hmmm… didn't Lockhart have something with MAEW on it? He decided to write it down. The Medieval Assembly of European Wizards gives out a reward called 'Bravery against Fantastic Beasts'. The last person to receive this reward, and the only one I know, is Gilderoy Lockhart (that fraud.)

"Question 7 – stop groaning, you only have three more after this one! – Discuss what happened in the International Warlock Convention of 1289. Don't confuse this with the Warlock's Convention of 1709." warned Professor Kirkland.

Oh shit. Another thing he didn't pay attention to…

I don't know what happened particularly, but the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards and a subcommittee with Sardinian wizards participated in the proceedings.

"Question 8, when did most witch burnings occur and why were they ineffective at lowering the population of witches and wizards?"

Harry actually remembered that from third year. Florean Fortescue had been a big help in writing that essay.

Most witch burnings occurred in the 14 th century. They were rather ineffective because all a witch or wizard would need to do is use a flame-freezing charm and thus, would be saved from the flames.

"Question 9, according to WOMBAT, there is a reason that most Goblin rebellions occurred. What is it?"

He kind of remembered this from the year before, but then again, he hadn't really been paying attention. WOMBAT states that the reason most Goblin rebellions occurred was due to… he couldn't remember… he decided to wing it and write, …due to poor representation in the Wizengamot.

"Question 10, the last question! In what century did the Giant Wars take place?"

That was one of the last things Binns had covered so it was something he remembered.

The Giant Wars took place prior to 1900, in the nineteenth century (1800-1899).

"Alright, hand them in!" Professor Kirkland said.

Chapter Text

Albus Severus Potter had time travelled before. He had done so only months previously with his best friend, Scorpius Malfoy. And now, thanks to that idiot that's known as his older brother by two years, James Sirius Potter, he was stuck in the past with his best friend. Not that it was bad to spend time with his best friend. In fact, he reveled in the chance. It was Christmas break, there was nothing to do with his parents being at that dumb Ministry Christmas Party that, because they served firewhiskey, stated that you needed to be seventeen or older.

So, if it was under normal circumstances (not that anything was normal in his life, he would have taken this chance to get away from his normal life – the Slytherin son of Harry Potter, and in the eyes of the media (and much of the castle) the Slytherin Squib. Not that he particularly minded – he liked the fact that he was the so called 'disappointment'. While he did try, he often felt like he was the second 'Neville Longbottom' – a person who starts off being utterly horrible at magic (or anything, really), and then later becomes somebody that everyone looks up to.

Jeez…that sounded like an Urban Dictionary definition or something…

Anyways…these weren't normal circumstances. That's why he was currently being hurled through time and space, accompanied by not just one person. No…three others.

The media addressed all of them as "Harry Potter's kids", but only three of them were Harry Potter's children. The fourth, and eldest of them (and the only Hufflepuff in the Potter/Weasley/Granger Family), was only their father's godson, but the media (generally Rita Skeeter), liked to call him "A Lupin by Name, A Potter at Heart", which if he was going to be honest, sounded like a book title. [1]

Anyways, they happened to land in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place – but not the nice, clean kitchen they had all grown accustomed to being in.

"Ow." Lily Luna Potter, his younger sister moaned as she hit the table that was surrounded by Order members.

"Shit!" James shouted. "That hurt!"

"Mind saying who you are?" they heard their Uncle Bill ask roughly, wand pointed at them. As were the other members of the Order…Mad-Eye Moody…Sirius Black…Daedalus Diggle…Hestia Jones…Remus Lupin…and Nymphadore Tonks – just to name a few.

"What year is it?" Teddy asked, clutching his head. He was a klutz, and probably managed to hit his head on something. "And the only reason I'm asking is because of him." He said, pointing at James.

Sirius gasped loudly. "No way…"

"Yes way…" James replied back. "We're time travelers."

"You IDIOT!" Lily said, launching herself at James.

"I was actually going to say that you were a cosplayer that happened to look exactly like my deceased best friend, but no, time travelers works too." Sirius said. "Mad-Eye?"

"I already have the veritaserum here." Mad-Eye said, "Luckily, Snape provided it to me last week."

"If you have nothing to hide, then you won't mind drinking this tea." Tonks said brightly, gesturing to the five remaining cups of tea. Sirius, Remus, Mundungus, Arthur, and Bill all spluttered. "That's my tea!"

"I'll make more." Mrs. Weasley said, rolling her eyes.

"Drink." Mad-Eye commanded. He pointed at Teddy. "You go first."

Teddy took the drink and drank all of it. Obviously, as an auror (one of the last that went through his dad's program before he became the Head of the DMLE), he wasn't afraid.

"Who are you?" He asked gruffly.

"Edward "Teddy" Remus Lupin." Teddy said, eyes glazing over and he sprouted the truth.

Remus gasped loudly. He was probably thinking – What the Hell…I have a kid? But I'm a werewolf!

Something like that.



"Parents?" asked Mad-Eye.

"Remus John Lupin and Nymphadora Andromeda Lupin, nee Tonks."

Remus' jaw seemed to forget how to stay hinged and Tonks was jumping for joy. Sirius threw his arms around Remus and yelled out, "MOONY! We're FAMILY!"


"Auror." Teddy replied. "I was one of the last aurors' to pass former Head Auror Harry Potter's tests before he retired to become the Head of the DMLE."

Sirius whistled. "Dang, Harry's Head of the DMLE? That's nice!"

"You do realize that he can declare you free then?"

"That was actually done before Harry took office, by the former Head of the DMLE."

Mad-Eye's eyes narrowed. "And who's the former Head?"

"Minister Hermione Jean Granger-Weasley." Teddy said.

*cue spit-takes*

"Holy crap!" Kingsley Shacklebolt said. "I thinks she's the first muggleborn to ever hold office." He turned to Teddy. "Who's the former Minster? Actually, name the order of Minsters from Fudge."

"Cornelius Fudge, served from 1990 to 1996. Fired after the Battle of the Department of Mysteries. Rufus Scrimegour, former Head Auror, served from 1996 to his death in 1997. Pius Thicknesse, 1997-1998, supporter of Voldemort. Kingsley Shacklebolt, 1998 – 2019."

There was a round of applause for Kingsley.

"So the Ministry gets infiltrated." Mad-Eye spat. "Final question, House at Hogwarts."

"Hufflepuff." Teddy replied before receiving the antidote.

"Alright, you are going next." He said, pointing at James.

James drank his tea quickly.

"James Sirius Potter."

Sirius started jumping for joy. "Harry named his son after me! Harry names his son after me!"


"15." James replied.

"Parents?" Everyone leaned forward. Who was the lucky person to marry Harry Potter?

"Harry James Potter and Ginerva Molly Potter, nee Weasley."

*cue more spit-takes*

"I knew it!" Sirius yelled happily.

"Oh, Arthur! Now he's really part of the family!" Molly said, glee clear in her voice.

"Hogwarts house?"

"Gryffindor! What else?" James cast a side-ways glance at Albus, but nobody but Mad-Eye noticed.

"Alright – you, red-head. Your next."

"She looks like Ginerva at twelve!" Molly said.

Lily drank her tea before waiting for Mad-Eye to start questioning her.


"Lily Luna Potter." Lily replied.

Molly gasped happily.




"Harry James Potter and Ginerva Molly Potter nee Weasley."

Molly started dancing again, "TWO grandchildren Arthur! Two!"

She turned to Lily, "How many grandchildren do I have?"

"In total, you have 12 biological grandchildren and one adoptive." Lily replied. "The adoptive one is Teddy, because he's Harry's godson."

"Arthur – we have thirteen grandchildren!" She said happily.

"I know dear, I have ears after all." Arthur said.


"Gryffindor, but because I take after my godmother, Luna Scamander nee Lovegood, I almost got sorted into Ravenclaw."

She was given the cure and then Mad-Eye turned to him.


Albus drank the drink as slowly as possible. After all, it was scalding.

"Hurry up! Or do you have something to hide?"

He did, indeed have something to hide. There was so much he wanted to hide. Now that he thought of it more…being the "Neville Longbottom" wasn't too bad. After all, Neville was his godfather (his dad decided to make Uncle George James' godfather. WORST MISTAKE EVER!)

He finished his tea. He took a deep breath.


"Albus Severus Potter."

Everyone started to go into uproar. "Why'd he name him after that git!"

"Dunno." Everyone turned to Albus. "He just said 'he was one of the bravest men I ever knew' or something like that."




"Harry James Potter and Ginerva Molly Potter nee Weasley." He was kind of glad he had repaired his relationship with his father…


He tried to prolong it, but after 30 seconds, the potion started working. He suddenly felt compelled to spew his guts out.


*cue gasps*

"A Potter in Slytherin?"



"Aww, your making me blush. I tried to make the hat put me in Gryffindor, or Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff but noo I don't have the right 'qualities' for any of those houses. The Hat said something like, "because you don't want to live in your father's shadow, because you don't want to defined by your family legacy…that's why you are a Slytherin." So that's why I'm a Slytherin." He grinned. "But you haven't even heard the best part!"

"Hullo. I'm Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy," Scorpius said, not even bothering to drink the tea. "14, son of Draco and Astoria Malfoy, nee Greengrass. I love muggle-borns, have the deepest crush possible on the daughter of the Minister – Rose Granger-Weasley – and I'm a Slytherin. Oh and did I mention that Albus here is my best friend?"


And that's when the five minutes were finished and they found themselves back in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place.

"What?" his mum shrieked. "Kreacher said that the four of you were in your rooms! And that Scorpius had gone home!"

"And why's my office door unlocked?"

The five of them all looked at each other with looks of utter horror.

"Oh shit." muttered James.

Chapter Text

"Welcome back to Hogwarts!" the newly (re) instated Professor McGonagall cried happily. Hogwarts had been rebuilt – and just in time. Argus Filch had decided that he would help clean up Hogwarts but would not be returning as caretaker. That was fine with her.

"As you can see, we have a few new members of our staff!" Professor McGonagall tried to sound upbeat, but it was kind of hard. Over half the staff had been killed either before the Battle of Hogwarts or during it. "First of all, we have Ms. Hermione Granger who has kindly agreed to fill in the post of Muggle Studies." Hermione waved from her seat at the Head Table. "Next we have Mr. Draco Malfoy, who will be teaching a brand new class – Wizarding Etiquette. This course is a requirement for all muggle-born students in the first and second years. The same goes for Muggle Studies. This is because most purebloods don't understand why muggleborns act different from them, nor do most muggleborns know why purebloods act different from them. We hope that this will help ease more tensions. And to ensure that the curriculum is as accurate as possible, we have chosen a muggleborns and pureblood respectively."

The students clapped in respect. Most of the second years and first years were giddy. They would be taught by the Hermione Granger?

"Joining us for Defense Against the Dark Arts is Mr. Harry Potter!" The whole hall clapped loudly. She went through the rest of the teachers that were joining them – there was an alchemy teacher named Edward Elric who, when asked about his height, would scream "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MIDGET THAT CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF A TEACUP WITHOUT SUGARCUBES?" That would be interesting.

And then there was Charlie Weasley who was joining the staff as the Quidditch Referee. Rolanda had retired. Neville Longbottom was the new Herbology teacher (and seeing as he had signed on for more than one year unlike Hermione and Harry, the new Head of Gryffindor) – Pompona had a stroke and St. Mungos declared that she could no longer be a teacher. Flitwick was staying and so was Slughorn, though he claimed that "it would only be one more year for me – Draco can have my post as Head of Slytherin, and Harry can have the Potions position". Even if Harry agreed to staying for another year instead of joining the Auror Corps (and most likely become Head Auror within a few years), he would teach DADA – she just knew.

She didn't disagree that Slughorn should retire though… he was ninety-four!

"And finally, we have Mrs. Molly Weasley who has agreed to be Transfiguration professor this year!" She said. The applause was even greater than Harry's. It was absolutely deafing.

She was pretty sure that somebody blew a conch shell or something and yelled "LONG LIVE THE DEFEATER OF BELLABITCH LESTRANGE!"

Oh… that was Harry and Draco…

The first and second years' eyes were wide – this person defeated BELLATRIX LESTRANGE? Sure – Harry beat Voldemort but he had done that before. Bellatrix had never lost a duel in her life – not even during her time at Hogwarts.

The next day, when the students entered the Transfiguration room, they were all terrified.

"I think that we should start with something hands on, don't you?" Nobody replied. "Put those books away and stand up!"

One girl was so terrified that when her book slipped off her desk and everyone turned to her, including Molly, she cried, "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

Molly couldn't say anything.

She was too shocked.

Chapter Text

The bell rung, signaling the end of the class. Both Harry and Ron were eager to get out of class – Snape had just been about to assign what was sure to be a five foot long essay.

"And where do you think you are going?" Snape asked. "The bell does not dismiss you. I do." Harry and Ron sighed as they slipped back into their seats. Just their luck.

"Your homework is very simple." Snape drawled, "You are to summarize each page of your Potions textbook. They should be a foot long and you should try to write as neatly and as small as possible. If a letter takes up more than half an inch of your page, points will be deducted."

"But sir!" Hermione complained. "There are five hundred and fifty-five pages in our textbook! Surely – you don't mean all of them! And if you do, when is this due?"

"Next class." Snape said. All students – Gryffindor and Slytherin were thrown into an uproar.


"Then you should probably get started. Off to dinner."

Chapter Text

Fred was dead.

He had a feeling that everybody was sobbing over his now cold corpse but he couldn't help but be in awe at the three figures in front of him.

James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black.

AKA the Pranking Legends known as the Marauders.

And Harry had apparently knew all along and didn't bother to tell him. That little shit. Fred thought. When you get here I'm gonna…

"Remember that time when we sung the Sex Pistols "Friggin' In the Riggin'?" asked Sirius.

"Oh man, Minnie was livid!"

"Wonder what happened to that Valdez kid…" muttered Remus before shrugging his shoulders.

Meanwhile, Fred was still going ballistic.


"Fanboy, much?" James said, raising a dark eyebrow.

"Don't worry." Sirius said. "This is exactly what happened when they found out that Moony pranked people as a prefect and got away with it."

"Yes. That was quite annoying." Remus said. "Oh hey Tonks, what are yo- TONKS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE WITH TEDDY! NOT HERE IN THE UNDERWORLD WITH US!"

"Then you shouldn't have died." Tonks huffed.

"Oh, Moony, you got laid?" James asked, laughing.

"She's my cousin." Sirius huffed.

And Fred was dead.

But Fred was kind of okay with that because he was with his pranking idols.

That doesn't change the fact that people cry and throw books into the wall this very day because Fred HAD TO DIE.

*Gross Sobbing*

Chapter Text

Poppy Pomphrey wasn't a woman to be messed with.

Her fascination with medicine had spurred from when she found out that her father had a muggle brain tumor as a little girl. She had been at school with Minerva and Pomona during the late forties. She had started reading medical books at the age of six and decided that not only would she train in magical medicine, but she would also train in muggle medicine.

She had been determined to cure her beloved father's brain tumor.

However, as soon as she started to properly learn muggle medicine, her father died, and her hopes were dashed. Perhaps medicine wasn't for her?

She took a year off from her muggle medicine studies the year she went off to Hogwarts and focused solely on curing magical maladies. Soon she found that her younger sister had been cursed with dragon pox and was dying at the tender age of four. Tried as she might, she could not figure out how to make the cure dragon pox and her sister was dead by five.

She had two elder brothers, both of which died of the same ailment as their mother – the muggle disease known as small pox. When her mother was younger, she had contracted tuberculosis, but cured, but never quite right again.

She threw herself into her work. She vowed after the last of her families' deaths that she would not let another person die.

And they didn't. She focused on all forms of medicine – why specialize in just one? – and soon, in 1968, she was hired by Albus Dumbledore to be the Matron of the Hospital Ward at Hogwarts. She worked and toiled through, healing everyone in seconds.

She was the master of her craft but she didn't have the equipment for some things and had to reach out to those at St. Mungo's whenever she absolutely had to.

Her patients flew through, some only seen once or twice a year.

But there was always someone in the Hospital Wing and it was usually a Potter. Harry Potter was the fifth Potter she had ever met. Her father was a well-respected wizard and had been friends with Henry Potter, a member of the Wizengamot at the start of the century and the father of two sons, who happened to be twins – Fleamont and Charlus.

Both had been sorted into Gryffindor and married into respected families – Charlus married the sassy Ice Queen of Slytherin, Dorea Black, and Fleamont married Euphemia Rowle – Euphemia Rowle II was now attending Beauxbatons she heard – and then Charlus and Dorea died along with their newborn son in a raid and Henry died of a heart attack at his old age. Fleamont and Euphemia succumbed to Dragon Pox and left their son James alone at seventeen.

James had been a troublesome patient – he along with Remus and Sirius earned their own beds with their names engraved on them because they were always asking for trouble. And now she had Harry.

He was sleeping peacefully and Poppy couldn't help but bite her lip. Minerva had come into the Hospital ward ten years earlier, saying that Dumbledore had placed Harry with Lily's sister, Petunia.

Poppy had heard the horror stories, and she just had to check. It was her duty as Matron to know every illness of all her patients…

She performed a little spell and was absolutely horrified.

Fractured bones that never healed right, scars over his body – possibly from being thrown down the stairs, and was that a belt buckle?

Poppy Pomphrey wasn't a witch you want pissed off.

And Albus I-Have-Too-Many-Damn-Middle-Names Dumbledore just did.

"ALBUS!" The whole castle woke up to the scream of Poppy Pomphrey, the matron of the Hospital Ward.

Albus was currently madly packing his bags. Poppy Pomphrey wasn't a witch you wanted pissed off…

"I told you this would happen." Alfred the Sorting Hat said in a sing-song voice.

Fawkes the Pheonix squaked in agreement.

"Don't tell her I'm going to Majorca!" Albus hissed as he jumped out the window, disabling the wards for a few seconds to apparate out.

Poppy Pomphrey came in, a scowl on her face and murderous intent radiating through the air.

Alfred gave her one look and told her, "He's in Majorca."

Chapter Text

It was widely expected that each generation of Hogwarts students would have at least two pranksters.

Minerva had gone throw at least nine pranksters in her life spent at Hogwarts and there had always been one related to a Potter (no matter how distantly or if they were a godmother/godfather).

The first example of a Potter prankster would have been Peeves the Poltergeist.

In his life, he had been the grandson of Iolanthe and Hardwin Potter and in his death, he had become a Poltergeist.

He was perhaps the most annoying, especially due to the fact that he had been there for seven hundred and fifty years.

The second example was Ralston and Abraham Potter. She had never met the two American wizards that were part of the twelve original American Aurors but her grandmother had told her the horror stories. She had been at Hogwarts with them.

Oh – and then there were the two that annoyed her out of her mind! Charlus and Fleamont Potter, the twin sons of the acclaimed member of the Wizengamot, Henry Potter (who always told her to call him Harry).

She admitted that she was the third member of the trio BUT didn't condone a single prank, putting her at odds with them. However, she wasn't exactly sure that their graduation prank counted, especially since she had helped…

Charlus had gone onto marry Dorea Black and have a newborn son only to be murdered in a raid on St. Mungo's before they had a chance to name him. Fleamont had married Euphemia Rowle the First (because for some reason, Euphemia's sister-in-law Rowena decided that her granddaughter had to be named after Euphemia) and both had agreed that she was to be the godmother of their son – James Charlus Potter, named in honor of Fleamont's late brother. They had both resolved that their first-born daughter was to be named Minerva Dorea which Minerva frankly thought was a mouthful.

But they never had a daughter. Both were barren after James due to the inbreeding of the pureblooded families. They had contemplated adopting a child, but it wouldn't be the same.

And then James became a prankster and became friends with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. She rather have considered herself the ninth prankster she knew than Peter Pettigrew.

He didn't deserve the title.

And now, she was faced with triplets.

The tenth, eleventh, and twelveth pranksters at Hogwarts…

Well… actually, there was Teddy Lupin who attacked people psychically with his metamorphagus abilities.

She would never forget the time when he impersonated Harry Potter when Harry was running late to a guest lecture for DADA. Harry walked in, saw his godson speaking to the populace about the Patronus charm and then all of sudden, there were two Harry Potters leading the lecture.

It was hilarious.

Anyways, there was James Sirius, Sirius Remus, and Remus James. Each name used twice.

Twice the prankster in each.

Oh dear lord… she needed to retire…

Perhaps just one more year? Or would they even get into the same house?

"Potter, James Sirius!"


"Potter, Remus James!"


"Potter, Sirius Remus!"


Screw Hogwarts. She's joining Albus in Majorca.

He was still on the run from Poppy, twenty years later…

Chapter Text

"Gah!" screamed a sixth year Gryffindor. "This is too long! Binns wants three feet on the some Giant War! And it's due tomorrow!"

Hermione Granger, a resident third year Gryffindor, rolled her eyes.

The rest of the sixth years agreed vehemently. It was too much in their opinion.

"McGonagall has us doing a foot in a half, due straight after lunch!" Dean Thomas groaned.

Again, the third years agreed.

This went on forever, until finally, a little first year cried, "Snape has us doing HALF A FOOT!"

"Just stop it!" Hermione screamed. The entire hall grew quiet and stared at the muggleborn with shock.

"A foot isn't that bad!" She picked up a piece of white paper, obviously muggle. "This is a sheet of muggle printer paper. Muggles use these to write essays, among other things. It's eleven inches by eight and a half inches. This is roughly how long your one foot essays have to be." She said. She turned to the first year who cried about having to write half a foot. She folded the paper in half.

"This is how long your six inch essay has to be." She told her. "And guess what? Muggles sometimes have to write six or seven pages essays, and they have to use a certain font and font size, making it extremely tiny. It's so annoying to see you hear crying about a four foot essay. It's not that long!"

And then she sat down and returned to eating.

Chapter Text

"This school year, our school will be hosting students from Beauxbatons' Magical Institute for Witches and from Durmstrang's Academy for Talented Wizards for the inter-school tournament known as the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Each school will have one champion to represent them. The champion that wins receives a cash prize, fame and glory, and not to mention, a rather cool trophy." Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore explained to the students of Hogwarts. "However, due to certain requirements for hosting this event, the inter-House Quidditch cup will be cancelled."

"OH MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP NO!" Cedric Diggory, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, and Cho Chang all yelled, snapping their fingers in the sassiest way possible.

"Shut up, Draquesha!"

"Only if you do, Harriet!" 'Draquesha' screeched back.

"Harriet?" asked Fred Weasley.

"Draquesha?" asked George Weasley.

"Long story." Hermione explained. "Potions accident. Gender swapping potion."

Fred and George grinned. "We've got to hear that story. But only after we yell at Dumbledore for canceling the Double Dutch Quidditch Tournament."

Theodore Nott, a quiet, but entitled Slytherin asked, "Is everyone just going to curse in icecream flavors?"

Pansy Parkinson grinned. "You know it, Butter Fudge Almond!"

Blaise Zabini sighed. "Fudgin' Draqusha. Slytherin's Drama Queen."

"Hey – shut up Banana Pudding!" Daphne Greengrass said, slapping Blaise.

"WE DEMAND THAT YOU BRING BACK THE DOUBLE DUTCH QUIDDITCH TOURNAMENT!" Fred and George and Angelia and Alisha and Katie and Harry – oh, sorry, Harriet (because nobody was currently calling him – or her – Harry) – all screeched.

Minerva McGonagall, the original Lily Evans of Gryffindor House, brought out a flaming whip. Who knows where it came from, or why the Heavenly Hash she even had one, but nobody questioned it.


"I hate to admit it, but I need to beat the Sea Salt Caramel out of Minerva, so I want it back on to." Snape said.

But Dumbledore was undeterred.

"I will not bring back the Quidditch Tournament until next year."


Oliver Wood had saved the day.

In exactly 2.346635 seconds, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, otherwise known as Almond Pistachio White Raspberry Truffle Black Walnut Death by Chocolate (which roughly translated to: You are a major asshat and I want to kill you via chocolate while showering you in pistachios, truffle, and walnuts in the language of the Ice Cream Eaters), had announced.

"Alright. The Double Dutch Quidditch Tournament is back on!"

And thus, the whole hall did one of those really clichéd high jumps of joy while shouting "YAY!" and doing jazz hands.

Everyone was happy except for APWBD or APWRTBWDbC if you want to be technical, who was a very evil person that acted like they were nice but really weren't because they were a manipulative old man who was in love with this even older man who might have accidently killed manipulative old man's sister on a duel for power because both men were greedy Scotchy Pecans. Or shitheads I guess you could say.

Chapter Text

"Ssssss?" hissed Pansy Parkinson, only to get slapped.

"Do not speak about my mother in that way." Voldemort replied. "She was a wretch of a witch, but at least she wasn't a mudblood."

"Sorry, My Lord." the girl replied, blushing severely.


"That is no way to speak to your elders." Voldemort said. "Detention."

"Sssssssssss? SssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?" Draco Malfoy said.

"I give up!" Voldemort said. "I did not do that!"

"Sssss." Blaise Zabini said.

"Shut up Zabini!"

Chapter Text

"I'm Hermione Granger." Hermione smiled at the girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and a cold smile.

"Granger? What is that - a muggle name?" the girl replied. "Hah! I won't even grace you with my name. You'll find out during the sorting. If You-Know-Who was still around..."

"You-Know-Who?" Hermione asked. "Shouldn't it be You-Know-Whom?"

The girl stared at Hermione. "'whom'? Who says that anymore?"

Hermione glared. "I do. Proper grammar is a virtue... one you apparently don't have."

Hermione stomped out of the compartment.

She obviously couldn't be friends with this... GIRL WITH HORRIBLE GRAMMAR.

Chapter Text

Lily Evans was scouring the library for a Charms book that Professor Flitwick had recommended to her last week, but she hadn't had the time to go searching for it until that moment.

Muggle Studies had been pushed aside in favor of Transfiguration, Ancient Runes, and Arithmacy and she was just now realizing what an awful idea that was, considering that OWLs week was looming around the corner, and Professor Chase had claimed with the utmost of certainty that the Muggle Studies OWL would be covering the newest craze amongst the muggles: the Apple Home Computer.

Charms had always been her favorite subject, and she happened to show favoritism to it, often pushing aside Transfiguration, Ancient Runes, Arithmacy, and Muggle Studies in favor of it.

Potions had been easy enough: write an essay in review on the uses of Essence of Dittany, a healing potion.

If she wasn't careful, she wouldn't pass Transfiguration, and where would that get her? She wanted her field of choice to open, but going onto becoming a Charms mistress seemed like a good idea...

God... if she wasn't careful, she might have to get Idiot #1 and Idiot #2 to help her out with Transfiguration...

As she searched for the author for what had to be the millionth time, she noticed that there was a forgotten piece of parchment against a book open to the page with a spell - Ducklifors - open to it.

Looks like the Idiotic Twins and their compatriots, The Idiot and Smart Idiot, were planning a prank on somebody... by turning them into a duck...

Personally, this sounded like a good way to defeat a dragon... why did that even come to mind?

Oh yes - Professor Pace had sworn on his life - a very dangerous thing to do as a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts - that they would have to tell about how they should defeat a dragon.

Perhaps the Idiots were planning on writing this on their exam?

Who knew?

She picked up the parchment - she would return it to them tomorrow. It probably was important - different pranks on Severus probably.

She opened it up and was shocked to see that it was blank.

She pointed her wand at it said, "Show me your secrets."

Writing immediately scrawled against it.

Messer Padfoot would like to remind Evans that she shouldn't be poking her red hair into other peoples' business.

Messer Moony would like to inform Evans that she really shouldn't look at other people's items: it's quite rude.

Messer Wormtail states that Evans is a no-good Goody Two Shoes who is too much of a Teacher's Pet, but would like to ask that you do not turn this over to a teacher.

Messer Prongs would like to tell Evans that YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD and would like to know if she would LIKE to GO OUT WITH ME?

Lily shook her head.

Filch would have a field day over this.

"Dark and Dangerous"

... Most likely...

And besides, it's not as if the Marauders' wouldn't figure out where it is, and then steal it back with a few well placed dungbombs through out the school.

Let chaos reign after the exams.

Chapter Text

"My Lord... I am sorry, but the Cup isn't in the vault, the Diadem has been reported as charred, the Locket was found stabbed in the Forest of Dean... The Ring isn't in your Mother's Ancestral Home... You know the state of the Diary - stabbed, Nagini has been found dead, killed by her head being chopped off with a sword... and I am sorry to inform you that Harry Potter is still breathing, even though he died." informed a Death Eater.

Voldemort turned, a Jolly Rancher in his mouth.

"WHAT!" Voldemort shrieked. "*cough*"

The Jolly Rancher got stuck, cutting off his airways. Nothing the Death Eater did could save Voldemort however, as he wasn't a healer.

Voldemort went into cardiac arrest, and because CPR is too muggle for wizards to understand, and the fact that they didn't have a AED (automated electric defilibrator), Voldemort died.

The End.

Chapter Text

Cassius Warrington, aged 17, prefect, and well on his way to becoming Head Boy, that is, of course, if Diggory didn't beat him to it next year, was going to enter the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

His parents had warned him before the start of the year to not enter it – it just wouldn't do for their good health or something like that.

They had also warned him that should he enter… and should he win the spot of Hogwarts Champion, they would not be coming to any of the tasks.

That was completely fine with Cassius. His parents had never been the best, and Cassius had practically been raised by the house elf that had been assigned to his care, a clever little elf named Constantine.

Cassius could have been raised to believe in the purity of blood and the importance of it. However, his great-grandmother, no matter how much his mother wished to deny it, had been a muggle-born witch and Constantine had practically beat it into his skull that nobody was better than anybody just because of what their blood was.

Muggleborn, Half-Blood, or Pureblood, it honestly didn't matter to Cassius.

But Cassius did, however, believe that there had to be at least some people who were better than others… financially. After all, not everyone could be manor lords.

Cassius sighed as he slipped his name into the cup. Maybe it was just wishful thinking but… he kind of wanted to be chosen.

Sure, there was the possibility of death, and there was no way that Hufflepuff would allow for a Slytherin champion when Diggory was in the running.

He was pretty sure that Hufflepuff would be out for blood should Diggory not be picked.

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

"Hey." Cedric Diggory said. "Good luck."

Cassius just raised an eyebrow. A Hufflepuff wishing a Slytherin good luck?

It was possible, of course, for Cedric to be saying: 'I hope you get picked so you have a good chance of dying.'

Had a Gryffindor said "Good luck." to him, he would immediately think that. But a Hufflepuff? He wasn't too sure about that.

"Thanks." Cassius decided. If he said 'You too.' he was pretty sure that Cedric would think exactly what he had just thought.

Cassius then spun around and walked out of the Great Hall, heading for the dungeons.


"Did you do it?" His roommate and Quidditch captain, Marcus Flint asked.

"You mean put my name forth for the tournament?" Cassius asked. "Yeah, I did."

Marcus just shook his head. "You are an idiot. I'll have to find a new chaser!"

"Don't be a worry wort. Even if they do call my name," Cassius replied, "And I'm highly stressing that 'if', the teachers aren't going to let a student get killed. Besides, won't this be such a good think to rub into those Gryffindors' faces?"

Marcus shrugged. "Guess so."


The first piece of parchment flew out of the cup.

"The champion of Durmstrang is… Viktor Krum." Dumbledore read.

The second piece flew out.

"The champion of Beauxbatons is… Fleur Delacour."

The third, and final piece flew out.

"And finally, the champion of Hogwarts is… Cassius Warrington."

Over the roar of encouragement and cheer that erupted from the Slytherin table, you could hear the other three tables booing and shouting in disbelief.

And true to what Cassius thought, the Hufflepuffs looked murderous.

"A SLYTHERIN? INSTEAD OF CEDRIC? HEADMASTER, I DEMAND A RECOUNT!" screamed one of the seventh years' prefects.

In fact, the only two not booing him just so happened to be Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter.

And he guessed that weird third year from Ravenclaw counted too. What was her name again…?

Cassius had learned how to shut out the insults years ago. Every Slytherin did. In fact, few Slytherins actually actively went out to insult the other houses, except during Quidditch. Fourth years did seem to have a habit of insulting the Fourth Year Gryffindors on a daily basis though…

When would they learn that it's probably just better to study for those really important exams known to all students as the OWLs and NEWTs?

Dumbledore held up a hand and all the noise immediately stopped.

"The Goblet of Fire chose Mr. Warrington. Mr. Warrington, would you be so kind as to go into the antechamber? We will follow in a moment." Dumbledore said.

Had Cassius known that his death warrant had been signed only moments before, Cassius never would have entered his name into that Goblet.


It was practically unbelievable but yet, quite believable.

Harry Potter would be participating in the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

Given that the past three years had been quite exciting in the terms of "What is Harry Potter going to do this year?" betting pool that had been started around 2nd year.

From what he had heard, Luna Lovegood – that was the Ravenclaw Third Year's name! – had won it ever since her first year, guessing: Fighting a Snake and Cancelling Exams, Meeting an Escaped Convict, and this year, Endangering his Life without his Consent.

Given that Potter kept claiming that he didn't enter the tournament and how at least twenty people could attest that he never went near "that damned goblet", it seemed that Cassius owed fifty galleons.


He really needed to stop cutting into his trust vault. Heavens knows his parents weren't about to refill it anytime soon.

Cassius just stood quietly, observing his fellow champions.

Viktor, who had put on a front outside that said, "Heck yeah!" now looked like he was in the last place he wanted to be, and cautiously observed his Headmaster.

Fleur was pacing even though her face outside had been smug as every other Beauxbatons student cried their hearts out in either shock or disappointment.

And there was of course, Potter who just looked like he was done with life.

He obviously did not have any more f*cks to give.


When Cassius returned to the common room that night, he found people chattering about how their champion was the best, how much of an 'upstart' that 'Potter brat' was, and of course, were currently having a rare party.

Partying was usually a Gryffindor thing.

However, that apparently wasn't so here.

Cassius finally had enough of all this insulting of Potter around eleven. All of the first years were still up, though they honestly looked like they were about to pass out at any moment.

"ENOUGH!" Cassius yelled.

The room immediately quieted down to a level that you didn't think would be possible.

"Now I know that we aren't friendly with the Gryffindors." Cassius began. "And most of you Fourth Years… Malfoy… Parkinson… I'm looking at you… absolutely hate Potter for whatever reason of yours. But there is a simple fact that remains: Potter is a fourth year. Do you honestly think that Dumbledore would let his Golden Boy enter into a tournament that could very well take his life? I don't see that happening. Tonight, I saw Potter, and he was pretty much looking both terrified and like he was just done with life. Don't forget that I'm a prefect, and I am not afraid to tell you guys off or give you detention if I see you harassing him over this. It's most likely not his fault. And to all of you seventh years who are looking at me like – why him? – Just think. You wouldn't be taking your NEWTs. I know some of you want to go into Magical Law and some of you want to become Saint Mungo's Healers. How are you supposed to do that just on your OWLs? Saint Mungo's are the best, and the Ministry of Magic only accepts those who have near perfect scores on their exams. It's not like retakes are allowed." Cassius said. "So I'm going to give you an option: exclude me from your house because I've decided I'm not going to be bitchy about Potter's participation, or you join me and exclude everybody else who's decided that they are too stuck up in their views on Potter and the Gryffindors. Take your pick." Cassius finished before going back to his dorm.


As soon as the people who were flocking around Warrington, namely Flint, Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, Daphne Greengrass, and Tracey Davis, had turned around the corner, Harry split open his bag and watched his stuff tumble to the ground.

Warrington sighed and motioned for them to go on. Harry walked forward and started to help his pick up his stuff.

"Reparo." Warrington said, pointing his wand at the broken glass of ink. "You know, never did I think I would see the day that a Gryffindor helped a Slytherin. Though I could also assign you detention you know. I am a prefect and magic is forbidden in the corridors. I guess you have a reason though?"

"Warrington. The first task is dragons." Harry said.


"Warrington. The first task is dragons."

Cassius froze.

Dragons. They expect a fourth year to fight dragons?

Cassius breathed as he picked up his things and forced a smile. "Thanks Potter." I'll repay you.


"My most beautiful girlfriend. Will you accompany me to the ball?"

Katherine "Kathy" Nott, daughter of a Well-Known Death Eater and elder sister of Theodore Nott, laughed.

"Oh of course, my handsome Cassius."

"Handsome?" Cassius smirked. "You've never described me as handsome before. 'Hot', yes. 'Sexy', yes. But 'handsome'? Why, it's like that word is foreign to your mouth!"

"Cassius Warrington!" Kathy shrieked. "I have never once called you sexy!"


"A little tip Potter…" Cassius said to the fourth year. "… listen to it underwater. You can use the prefect bathrooms… password is 'Pine Fresh'."


At this point, Cassius doubted why he should even be surprised.

While everyone else had come back from the lake with either one or no 'hostage', Harry Potter had to come back with two.

Granted, Harry had taken it literately unlike the others.

Or perhaps they had just been worried about their hostage and about the time limit…

Wait – since when did he call him 'Harry'?


"We take it together." Harry said.

" – What?" Cassius said.

Gryffindor and Slytherin… sharing the glory?

Was that even possible?

"It's still a win for Hogwarts." Harry replied. "Let's take it together and split the reward."

"Alright." Cassius said.

Cassius felt the familiar tug of his naval. His body filled with dread.

A Portkey?

You were to send up sparks if you forfeited. However, once you grabbed the portkey, there should have been a lane of the hedges would appear, taking you back to the start.

Portkeys weren't in the description.

Cassius hated portkeys. They made him nauseous and he had a habit of throwing up after them. He wasn't all that good with Floo travel either.

The only form of travel that he actually enjoyed was via broomstick.

So as soon as they landed, Cassius turned and vomited.

"I hate portkeys." He muttered.

He pulled out his wand and before he knew it, he heard an awful voice say: "Kill the spare."

And the last thing he saw was green light.

Chapter Text

"Voldemort's back!" Harry screamed. "Voldemort killed Cassius!"

Kathy Nott fell to her knees, sobbing over her dead boyfriend's body. "Cassius!"

The Slytherins all looked on with either sadness or hatred.

Sadness that a member of their house had been killed.

Hatred that it had been done by the person their parents' followed blindly.

Theo Nott knelt by his sister's side and attempted to calm her but she shook him off in favor for screaming "CASSIUS!"

Harry eventually hugged her and she just sobbed. "Cassius… Cassius…"

Harry idly thought about why only Kathy's brother had come forward in an attempt to comfort her and it sudden struck him.

Their mother is dead and their father was there.

In the Graveyard.

One, a small Slytherin girl no older than twelve said, "But Cassius was a pureblood… why would You-Know-Who kill Cassius?"

Hermione came forward and pulled Kathy into a hug.

"Voldemort's going to pay. We'll make sure that."

Kathy didn't pull away. "Are you sure? Do you promise?"

"I swear it on my life." Hermione said. "Voldemort will pay for this."

Pansy and Draco didn't even bother talking about blood supremacy after that.

After all, it apparently didn't matter to Voldemort whether they lived or died.


"My son is dead." Faith Warrington, the mother of Cassius said. "I demand compensation. I am barren with no heir."

"And who's fault is that? You should have had a better grasp over your child." Voldemort said. "Avada Kedavra."

The green light raced forward and hit the pure-blooded woman in the stomach, killing her instantly.

"Do you have anything you wish to say, Christopher?"

Christopher Warrington only shook his head and said, "No milord. I beg forgiveness for my wife's demanding nature."

Voldemort replied, "No matter. She was French after all. Besides, she was a half-blood acting like a pureblood."

Christopher remained quiet and thought She wasn't that closely related.


"May I say a few words?" Ron asked.

Dumbledore nodded and stepped away from the podium.

"Now, I didn't know Cassius as well as some of you did. But I did know him on the field of Quidditch, and he was an honorable bloke when it came to that. He had the least amount of fouls and while we originally thought that he was only on the team as a friend of Flint's, he proved that he could play and that he could play well. He always played by the rules, and didn't do anything underhanded in an attempt to win. I- I think that everyone should know that he died being the champion that somebody would want as the Hogwarts Champion. He could have abandoned Harry or not help him at all, but he did, and he did so in the most honest way he knew how. Slytherin should be proud to have had him in their house."

Pansy Parkinson took that chance to stand up and say, "I want to say, Weasley, thank you."


"Malfoy? Parkinson? Greengrass? Davis? Goyle? Crabbe? What are you all doing here?" Granger asked as the five Slytherins plus almost twenty others stepped forward. Among them was Kathy Nott.

"Isn't it obvious?" Draco replied. "We are here to sign that pretty little document in your hands. You-Know-Who is an asshole and one thing about Slytherins is that we don't let things go… especially when one of our own is murdered by the man that your parents blindly support. Are you instating that we shouldn't rebel? We are teenagers after all. Rebellion is healthy."


"Draco Malfoy… Pansy Parkinson… Daphne Greengrass… Tracey Davis… Millicent Bulbstrode… Gregory Goyle… Vincent Crabbe… Theodore Nott… Katherine Nott… Blaise Zabini… I've called you here today to join my Inquistorial Squad." Dolores Umbridge said.

The ten of them looked at each other and said, "We're in."


"We can bring you intel from Umbridge. My father, the bantha fodder, once said that she was in league with Voldemort, if indirectly. She's definitely a sympathizer at the least." Draco reported to the DA.

Of course, the Slytherins had refused to call it Dumbledore's Army… so they had elected to call it the Destruction of Assholes with the main enemy being Voldemort, Umbitch, and Death Eaters.


"Sirius is in trouble!" Harry said.

The fifty members of the DA looked at each other before deciding: "Let's go to the Department of Mysteries!"

Two members did however scream: "Let's participate in an illegal break in!"

That was Katherine and Theodore Nott.


Months previously, Harry had constantly received letters and notes, unsigned, but filled with information that helped the Order immensely.

Spells… Potions… Plants… every kind of thing that the Death Eaters used to dominate.

And so when a jet of red light burst from Bellatrix Lestrange's wand, Sirius Black immediately knew what it was: similar to the Stunning jinx, it interlocked all of your bones for a short period of time, making it impossible to move.

He was able to dodge it and send one of his own at the Bitch, finally capturing her.

Neville had danced once he heard that she was to receive the Dementor's Kiss.


It went on.

The Slytherins slowly reached out to the other houses, uniting in their hatred of Voldemort.

Uniting in the name of Cassius.

Some of the more well-connected Slytherins secretly passed information to the Order. The Death Eaters knew that they were suddenly losing this war for one reason: their children.

Most of the Slytherins reached out and asked for help hiding from their parents during the summer.

Draco Malfoy was placed with his godfather, Severus, and Pansy Parkinson grudgingly accepted to live with Hermione Granger.

Blaise Zabini had been disgusted with the Dursleys and both of them eventually were placed under the care of Sirius, acquitted of all charges and getting it on with Amelia Bones, bringing in a Hufflepuff viewpoint with Susan.

When Amelia was killed by Death Eaters, she was killed as Amelia Black, pregnant with her and Sirius' child.

Needless to say, that just increased the hatred between The Houses of Hogwarts and Voldemort.

When the Battle of Hogwarts came around, the resounding cry of "FOR CASSIUS!" was popular. Prior to the battle, Harry reminded everyone that there were no spares.

After the battle, which was heart wrenching for many as they saw their children fighting against them.

Many surrendered rather than fight their children, saving the lives of Remus… Tonks… Fred…

After the Battle, a statue was placed on the grounds in Cassius' honor.

Cassius Warrington was known as the true Hogwarts Champion from that day on. Hundreds of years later, scholars and historians will look back on history and see that the moment that Voldemort killed Cassius Warrington was the moment that he sealed his fate as "bantha fodder"

Chapter Text

It's no secret that the Hogwarts Rumor Mill is quite possibly the best there is. You could say practically anything and it'll spread like a wildfire and everyone's going to believe it.

So it really shouldn't come as a surprise that Harry Potter, the most cunning of the Gryffindors, decided to use it in a war against Slytherin.

It all started when Draco Malfoy insulted somebody. Harry didn't know the dude personally per say, but it happened to a Hufflepuff named Leroy, and Leroy was the cousin-in-law of a woman named Gertrude, who was best friends with Neville's fourth cousin Grace, and it all tumbled down from there.

With the help of the Weasley twins, Harry spread the lie that Draco Malfoy wasn't really a Malfoy. He was the illegitimate child of Narcissa Malfoy and Severus Snape, and in reality, Narcissa was the illegitimate child of Druella Rosier Black and Abraxas Malfoy, making Narcissa married to her elder half-brother.

Most would say that it was an over-reaction to a simple insult but to be fair, Harry heard what Malfoy did to poor, defenseless Leroy.

He insulted Leroy for wearing hair gel, stating that "no real man wears hair gel", which given that Malfoy loaded his platinum blond hair up with hair gel, hair spray, and whatever other crap he threw into that mess, he was basically that he wasn't a real man.

Either way, once Professor Dumbledore heard about the rumor, he gave a good speech about it.

"I'd like everyone to remember that while some rumors are done in good fun, most are done in a hurtful manner. Whoever has started the rumor about Narcissa Malfoy, Severus Snape, and Lucius Malfoy and – ah – their "marriage conflicts", primarily the statement of young Mr. Malfoy being the child of Narcissa and Severus, and that Narcissa is actually married to her half-brother, and not to a man who she has no relation to, direct, that is, be so kind as to redact that statement?"

However, as Harry went to stand, he was shocked that a seventh year Hufflepuff with bright pink hair stood up.

"Wotcher Professor. I was the one who started up that little rumor. I thought it'd be hilarious to see how my cousin reacted to it and frankly, I'm not surprised. I'm not stating that it's not true – who knows, it could be, but can we all remember that Narcissa is blond but Druella surely isn't? Red-headed if I remember what my mother told me and who can forget about the fact that Draco's nose is starting to become hooked and his skin sallow… and who can forget that greasy hair of his!"

"Ah, Ms. Tonks… Frankly, I'm a bit shocked that you were the one to start the rumor… but you state it isn't a rumor?"

Tonks just smiled. "Nope."

The next rumor to come was almost expected out of Malfoy in retaliation.

"Did you hear what they are saying about Potter?"

"Yeah – he's related to some bozo Slytherin named Pansy."

"Well I heard!"

The current rumor going around was that Pansy Parkinson was related to Harry Potter in the form of fraternal twins, tragically separated at birth. Pansy was a known half-blood to the Slytherins, and in Malfoy's eyes, that was as bad as it could be.

Plus, it was said that Pansy's parents once tried to set up a marriage contract between Pansy and Draco and that the Malfoys had refused.

The other form of the rumor was that Harry Potter wasn't really Harry Potter: he was the son of You-Know-Who!

Needless to say, another Great Hall conference was called, and eventually, sixth year Slytherin Rosier admitted to starting up the rumor.

In response to the previous rumor, however, Harry retaliated ten-fold, citing that, no, Pansy wasn't his sister. Pansy was Draco's half-sister, another affair between Severus Snape and Charlotte Parkinson, well-known muggleborn Ravenclaw.

That didn't go too well, and eventually, people were starting to believe that Harry, Pansy, and Draco were all related to You-Know-Who, with each one also being related to Severus Snape as either a father or an uncle and people somehow got it into their heads that Lily Evans did it with Severus Snape, who was also doing it with Charlotte Parkinson and Narcissa Malfoy… all at the same time, and thus all three were born around the same time and all were half-siblings.

And then Hermione was dragged into the fold a few years later when Rita Skeeter found out that Hermione "loved Harry like a brother" and thus was some unknown Potter child born ten months prior to Harry was, but was a child of James Potter, and not Severus Snape.

According to the resident gossips at Hogwarts, aka EVERYONE, You-Know-Who fit into this family fold by being the father of Severus Snape and James Potter, and not Fleemont Potter, like everyone knew it was.

Then Euphemia Rowle Potter was dragged into it citing that "Hermione's magical grandmother was actually a Black, and the sister of Dorea Black Potter, and thus this so-called "family" was expanded even further and even crazier.

It got to the point where people were saying that Dobby was the illegitimate child of Draco and Harry and that Winkie was actually Hermione's muggle cousin, four times removed.

If there was one thing that wizards lacked… it wasn't imagination.

Chapter Text

Molly Weasley enjoyed getting her way.

She loaded up all seven of her children, her husband, and the two children she thought of as her children even though they biologically weren't but she could swear that those two would eventually marry into the family either way and thus they would be family either way, and not to mention the girl that her eldest had the "hots" for, her little sister and her parents, and then Molly Weasley decided screw it: they would be dragging Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Amelia Bones, Susan Bones, Nymphadora Tonks, Andromeda and Ted Tonks and eventually it grew to the point where Narcissa Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Dobby, Bellatrix Lestrange, Rodopholus Lestrange, Rabastian Lestrange and practically anyone you could imagine, including a good majority of the DA, who shall remain rather nameless because they haven't even been created yet, but some of the key members just happened to be Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood, and then there was the whole Cho Chang, Marrietta Edgecombe, and a bunch of others that your author is to tired to write about but they were there and that's all that matters and yes, this author just broke the fourth wall but are you honestly that surprised? You might end up cursing this poor author for that massive paragraph run-on sentence.

And yet, the poor author you are attempting to turn into a duck with 'duckflors' just so happens to be a certified grammar nazi…

There goes that title…

Either way, a crap ton of Harry Potter characters, some not even introduced at this point were all the barbershop to get hair cuts.

Because fourth year was the year of No Haircuts and quite frankly, that pissed off Molly Weasley.

Bill did however receive his hair cut while kicking and screaming, and Luna got an afro and the Golden Trio put rubber cement into Draco's hairgel, and Marrietta was allergic to some of the products used to her face somehow got tattoo'd with the words: SNEAK on it. Neville "accidently" lopped off Bellatrix, Rodopholus, and Rabastian Lestrange's Heads… at least that's what Amelia put down on paper before snogging Sirius Black.

Oh and Susan Bones discovered that she was interested in Blaise Zabini so we have a new pairing that was never introduced but you should ship it nonetheless even though your author that is currently a talking snowwoman (duckflors gone wrong) literately made it up on the blue.

If it makes you feel any better, Bill went out and got a new piercing.

Chapter Text

Sirius Black knew that Remus' middle name was "John".

Hell, Remus had introduced himself as "Remus John Lupin".

It didn't exactly stop him from introducing him as everything but "Remus John Lupin" though.

It was first year and the DADA professor, Professor Periwinkle, a petite young woman with stark white hair that was curved upward and penchant for wearing bright ice blue robes, was going through the role.

"Sirius Black."

"Here, sugar." Sirius winked. Professor Periwinkle was no older than nineteen and was way in his league.

She just looked at him and said, "Pleasure." Sarcasm was cascading though her voice but Sirius didn't care.

"Remus Lupin."

"Here, Professor." Remus said, raising his hand slightly.

"Professor, I'm afraid you got his name wrong," Sirius exclaimed. "His name is Remus Elizabeth Lupin."

Remus slapped Sirius upside the head.

And that was the beginning of this weird and wacky friendship.

"Back again, eh?" Madame Pomphrey asked the trio who were covered in boils from an… unfortunate accident in Potions class.

Long story short, Remus had been working with a Hufflepuff known as Alice Smith and well she kind of exploded the cauldron.

Because Sirius and James were working directly behind them, they were splashed by the incomplete antidote to cure boils, which unfortunately gave them boils.

Alice was protected by the shield charm necklace her mother had given to her for incidents like these. Remus swore that he would have to get one himself in case he ever worked for her again.

"I should just inscribe your names onto three of these beds. Heavens know that you'll be here again sooner or later." Madame Pomphrey sighed. "Sirius Black. James Potter. Remus Lupin. Whatever shall we do with you little troublemakers?"

"Madame Pomphrey, I'm afraid that you have Remus' name wrong. It's Remus Shirley Lupin."

"Oh-ho!" Professor Slughorn cried. "Remus, my boy, you really 'ought to pay more attention. That's the second cauldron today!"

Remus had somehow managed to blow up his cauldron.

He was, of course, protected by that magical shield charm necklace, a birthday present from Alice.

"Sorry Professor." Remus replied, sheepishly. "I guess I'm not myself today."

Considering tonight was the full moon, Remus was sort of distant. It would be his first full moon at Hogwarts, and while Madame Pomphrey had sworn that everything would go according to plan, he was a bit more skeptical and as such, wasn't able to exactly pay attention in class.

"It's all right. Be sure to be paying attention during the next class though!" Professor Slughorn said, "Otherwise, Remus Lupin, I'll have to take points and assign a detention."

"Professor, surely you know that Remus' full name is Remus Caroline Lupin!" cried Sirius.

"Oh? I thought you introduced him as Remus Patricia Lupin on your first day in my class…" Professor Slughorn replied.

"Well… uh… He has two middle names!" Sirius said, dropping a herb into his cauldron, turning it the same ice blue of Professor Periwinkle's robes. "Remus Patricia Caroline Lupin!"

"Madame Pomphrey once told me that his middle was Shirley."

"That's right. That's right." Sirius said, trying to keep track of all the names that he had introduced Remus as. "Remus Patricia Caroline Shirley Lupin."

Off to the side, Peter and James were nearly in tears and Remus was shaking his head.

"And what about Professor Periwinkle? She could have sworn that Elizabeth was his middle name.

"Remus Patricia Caroline Shirley Elizabeth Lupin." Sirius said. "That's his name alright."

"For Pete's sake, stop!"

"Who's Pete?" Sirius asked Remus confused.

The first order meeting had come around and once Sirius had been explained that no he did not betray the Potters and no he wasn't their Secret Keeper and heaven's no! He wasn't a Death Eater (I mean, who would want to eat Death? Rather unpleasant if you ask the author), Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore started to introduce everyone.

Dumbledore took a deep breath before stating, "And this is Remus Patricia Caroline Shirley Elizabeth Pippa Justine Christiana Annalise Serena Yoda Kathleen Betty Bertha Jennifer Beatrice Danielle Lupin."

Sirius grinned before stating, "Dumbledore, you forgot Mary."

"Ah yes. You did introduce him like that roughly two weeks ago, didn't you?" Dumbledore said. "Remus Patricia Caroline Shirley Elizabeth Pippa Justine Christiana Annalise Serena Yoda Kathleen Betty Bertha Jennifer Beatrice Danielle Mary Lupin."

"…when did you introduce me as Yoda, Sirius?"

Chapter Text

Gryffindor vs Slytherin matches were brutal. In comparison, Hufflepuff vs Ravenclaw matches were less exciting, but nothing to sneeze at either.

But once a year, these four houses put aside their differences and just played a couple of matches.

It was always on the coldest night of the year, but not the Winter Solstice. Every student who could would get away from the castle for three and a half weeks and just relish in the fact that they were home.

Some students of course couldn't do this, namely Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, Draco Malfoy, and Cho Chang.

The four seekers all had something going on at home that enticed them to stay at Hogwarts.

With Harry, it was namely the fact that with the Winter Holidays quickly approaching, every responsible adult was telling Harry to stay safe, and to stay safe, stay at Hogwarts.

Ron Weasley would be staying too, along with the Weasley Twins, Percy Weasley, and of course, Ginny Weasley.

Cedric Diggory personally didn't want to hear his father start to boast about how he had beaten Harry Potter in a match of amateur Quidditch and was still calling for a rematch, especially seeing as how Harry was unfairly punished by, as Cedric had put it, "Dramatic Hufflepuff supporters who like Eating Happiness" showing up unexpectedly at the match.

Harry was still trying to turn the offer down with no luck, seeing as Cedric was quite persistant.

Draco Malfoy was going through a rebellious teenager phase and didn't want to speak to his father at the moment. He had some things, Draco's father had said some things, and both of them knew that they whole-heartedly meant it.

Cho Chang's father was on a business trip in China working with the Chinese Ministry of Magic and her mother was trying to buy Grunning's Drill Firm in London and both were insanely busy at the moment with no time for their daughter so Cho decided to just leave it at that and stay at Hogwarts for three and a half weeks.

Of course, that led to all of the Quidditch teams, plus a few who wanted to play as seconds should the first fall during the match. In total, thirty-seven students stayed, a new record for Hogwarts.

Christmas dinner had gone on fine, with Professor McGonagall retiring to her chambers half-way through claiming she wanted to have some tea.

However, what Professor McGonagall didn't know is that all of her tea had been replaced with firewhiskey, so they would probably have a very drunk Professor on their hands soon enough, but it was more of an effort to keep the teachers unaware of what was going on later that night.

Snow was on the ground and nearly four inches deep, covering the Quidditch pitch in a blanket of white. By midnight, snow had started drifting down again, which made the thirty-seven students smile: their tracks would be covered.

Each match would randomly have a theme. Since there was four matches: Gryffindor vs Slytherin and, by Cedric's request, Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff, Slytherin vs Ravenclaw and Ravenclaw against Slytherin, that meant four themes, with each player playing twice.

Should one happen to be knocked unconscious, a reserve team, made up of Ginny Weasley as Seeker, Blaise Zabini, Pansy Parkinson, and Ernie MacMillian as Chasers, Ron Weasley as Keeper, and Terry Boot and Michael Corner as Beaters, would take over and have to follow the theme.

Last year the themes had been cursing your opponents in sonnets, a beach theme with sunscreen, bathing suits, and freezing cold water dumped on the losing team, a karoke battle with a bit of interpretive dance after each goal, earning the winner a hundred extra points, and finally, the baton-broom toss jet ski slide, which is better left unsaid on what happened.

The two judges and commentators were Lee Jordan, and his assistant and heir to the throne, Luna Lovegood.

Both had sworn that house loyalty would not matter during this match.

The first match started up: Gryffindor vs Slytherin.

Lee Jordan had elected to take this one and Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff, while Luna had taken the two involving Ravenclaw.

"All right. Introducing the Snake team…. Captain Flint, Chasers Montague and Warrington, Beaters Derrick and Bole, Seeker Malfoy, and Keeper Bletchley." The seven just stood with their brooms in hand, waiting for the Lion team to be introduced and the theme subsequently announced.

"Introducing the Lion team… Captain Wood, Chasers Johnson, Spinnet, and Bell, Beaters Weasley and Weasley, and Seeker Potter." Lee Jordan said. "This match's theme is… Star Wars. Please transfigure yourselves accordingly. The Snake team shall be the Alliance and the Lion team shall be the Imperials. Listen closely: Captain Flint shall be Luke Skywalker, Chasers Montague and Warrington: one should be Leia Amidala Skywalker as she was known at birth, and another shall be Han Solo. Beaters Derrick and Bole should decide who shall be Wedge Antilles and who shall be Chewbacca. Seeker Malfoy will be Lando Calrissian and Keeper Bletchley will be… C-3PO."

"The Lion team are the Imperials and shall transfigures themselves to be as follows." came the dreamy voice of Luna Lovegood. "Captain Wood shall be Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker. Chasers Johnson, Spinnet, and Bell, please transfigure yourselves as you fit into these three characters; Admiral Firmus Piett, General Maximillian Veers, and Grand Moff Tarkin. Whomever you decide will not reflect badly on you post-game, as this is a private match with all whom participate sworn to secrecy. Beaters Weasley and Weasley have been assigned to Stormtroopers and Seeker Potter has been assigned to Emperor Sheev Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious."

Cassius Warrington coughed as he said, "I'll be Han Solo. Lisa can be Leia." Lisa Montauge glared at Cassius.

"Why couldn't Kathy be here?" she sighed, before transfiguring her light hair into dark 'doughnut buns' and made her pyjamas into the white gown that Leia wore in Star Wars: A New Hope.

"Kathy is with her family at the moment." growled Cassius, "So it's not too much fun for me either Princess."

"In character I see." Bletchley said, looking like the Golden C-3PO."

"Shut it Goldenrod." Cassius said, looking like Han Solo with his normally brown hair black and him wearing black pants and boots, an off-white long sleeve shirt and a simple black vest with a blaster strapped around his waist.

"Awwwwww." Bole said, in an attempt to speak Shyriiwook.

"I'm Wedge Antilles then." Derrick sighed.

"Why must I be Lando Calrissian?" Malfoy groaned. "Least favorite character. I rather be an Ewok."

"CHOO-CHAW." came Oliver Wood's breathing, wearing a "life-support suit" which in reality was just polka-dot pyjamas.


"I can smell your 'foul-stench'." Alicia Spinnet told Angelina Johnson who had taken in upon herself to become the hated character of Admiral Tarkin, the slimebag.

Or as they say in Huttese: sleemo

"I'm just glad I'm the respectable Admiral Piett." Katie Bell put in.

"Sheev? What kind of name is Sheev?"

Lee Jordan stopped the turmoil by stating, "Mount your brooms."

Chapter Text

Hermione Granger loved being a prefect. One, it would look great on her transcript, even if she did go back to the Muggle World after graduation, which she doubted because somebody had to Ronald Weasley in line and it sure couldn't be Ginny forever (Ginny was currently deciding who would make Ronald more mad: Blaise Zabini or Theodore Nott).

Hermione also loved how being a prefect meant that she could enforce the rules; not just banter on about them and make everyone mad at her (she learned that lesson four years ago).

While it was true she was currently having to deal with the toad of a woman named Professor Dolores J. Umbridge (it was sickening to think that her mother, Jane, was actually thinking of making her middle name Jane, which also happened to be the Professor's middle name; considering she was a blood purist even though she was a half-blood according to Gringotts' Family Records, this was bad news for her, a muggle-born), Hermione wasn't going to let it get her down.

Patrolling the dark corriders was one of her least favorite things however. Every now and then she would find a couple alone in a secluded part of the castle, where Filch rarely made his presence known. Filch mainly focused on Gryffindor and Ravenclaw towers, near the kitchens where the Hufflepuff common room was located, and of course, by the Slytherin's underground common room located in the dungeons. Every once and a while, she would find something that wasn't passionate snogging.

She hated whenever that happened but she filed the report to Filch nonetheless with those two receiving detention soon after the fact.

She heard that they would often be scolded by Professor McGonagall, who took these offenses to heart no matter what house the two (or three; she never wanted to see those three Ravenclaws again!) belonged to and scolded them to the point where you probably wouldn't be able to look at them for the next several weeks without your face burning bright red and hurrying the next direction.

Prefect patrols were often done in groups of two or three. Often, both would be of the same gender after two Gryffindor prefects were found snogging and going at it in the nearest broomcloset. McGonagall had outlawed same-sex prefects being on the same patrol for the last twenty years.

This didn't however stop it with two people of the same gender/sex (whatever; it's the same thing) from doing it but it certainly did lessen it.

So far, she had reached her nightly quota of a couple snogging in the broom closets: seventeen year old Cassius Warrington and his girlfriend, sixteen year old Katherine "Kathy" Nott were certainly learning how to breathe through their ears.

They were one of the most caught couples… other than Fred and Angelina of course, or George and Alicia.

The thought of Fred made her want to blush. She had to admit: there was a semblance of a minor crush, nothing major, but the thought of it made her blush harder.

Fred Weasley, prankster and resident Gryffindor trouble-maker with her? Hermione Granger, rule-follower (at least most of the time) and resident Gryffindor bookworm and considered to be the Golden Princess of Gryffindor along with its Ice Queen?

As if.

She checked the last broom closet on the hall. And her jaw dropped as she found Draco Malfoy and her best friend, Harry Potter snogging. They hadn't seemed to notice her so she just quietly closed the door, scribbled something on a piece of large stack of detention slips and slipped it under the door.

"The shift will be changing soon." said a breathless Draco Malfoy. "We should get back."

"Yeah, we probably should. Umbitch will be taking over soon enough." Harry said, straightening his clothing. Umbridge often switched with Filch toward the end of the first prefect shift and prowled the halls looking for 'naughty children'.

The last thing Harry needed was another detention with her.

As they headed for the door, they noticed the detention slip with a rushed, but neat scrawl over the back.

Harry and Malfoy,

I will not be reporting you but let it be known that the Hogwarts rumor mill will be running full speed tomorrow. If you want them to forget about it, it'll cost you a week with your invisibilty cloak and Malfoy, you'll have to get me into a high-end salon for this bush known as hair.

Have fun and don't forget Cosmo's Sex Tip #394: Once your man reaches o*****, awkwardly embrace him and whisper; "Well done Draco.". That's all.

Hermione J. Granger

P.S. I'll slip a sleeping draught into Umbridge's evening tea as I deliver my report. As far as I'm considered, the two of you are asleep in your beds on separate ends of the castle. Can't say the same for Warrinton and Nott (Kathy, not Theodore).

Chapter Text

It was the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort, one being a cunning, but brave, leader of the Light, but still well-versed with darkness and the other doing a Ben Solo thing, killing his dad, screaming about stuff with the emotion of a teenaged girl on her period, and of course, the anger management issue.

"You won't win." Harry said. "We know how to defeat you."

"Oh? The Horcruxes?" Voldemort laughed. "It was a brilliant plan on my part, don't you think? Splitting my soul seven times."

"Yeah, that's kind of weird when you think about it." Harry admitted. "If I did my math correctly, I had more Tom Riddle Jr. in me than you… and you're Tom Riddle Jr."


"Hear that Eaters of Death?" Harry called. "Ol' Voldyshorts is a halfblood. You know you're like seventy. You should retire.

"Seventy-one." snapped Voldemort. "And I'm immortal."

"Uh, no you aren't shitlord." Harry said knowingly. "Because there is one more thing in this universe can kill you because I don't think I would be able to manage an Avada Kedavra."

"No, I don't think you could either Golden Boy." Voldemort sneered. "What's this "secret weapon" of yours?"

Harry smiled. "Hit it Flitwick!"

The small and aged Professor complied immediately. A soft sound drifted across the battlefield formerly known as Hogwarts and Hogsmaede.

"Hello… it's me."


"I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything."


"They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing."


"Hello, can you hear me? I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be. When we were younger and free, I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet. There's such a difference between us, and a million miles."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" the spell "sadly" didn't work. Harry started to scream as the music picked up. Every other person started to scream as well.


Voldemort fell to his knees. He wasn't quite dead yet, so they burst out the old "Baby" by Justin Beiber.

Voldemort died.

The end.

Chapter Text

Lily felt pain.

She had felt pain before, but nothing like this and she was bleeding.

James was currently out at the store, getting her more food. Sirius had been left in charge.

"Sirius," Lily said seriously. "The baby is coming."

Lily had been calm, excited, and terrified all at once. She bottled up the excitement and terror and kept a calm face.

Sirius, however, wasn't able to do this.

"What! Oh god! Let's see you need a blanket, a change of clothes… what else? Oh – pacifier!" Sirius ran around terrified, "What am I missing? I'm missing something!"

"Try nappies." Lily replied pointedly. "And you are missing the fact that I need to go to St. Mungo's and I'm in labor and shouldn't use the Floo. Besides, it's not like you have any reason to be worrying. That's James' job."

"Lily." Sirius said seriously. "This is everyone's baby."

Chapter Text

The six of them stood outside the Department of Mysteries, Harry's hand inches away from the doorbell.

"Wait!" Hermione hissed. She swung around her bag and pulled out several objects. There were six hand guns, three assault rifles, a sniper rifle, a rocket launcher, and a machine gun. There were several cases of bullets there as well.

"Take your pick." Hermione grinned. Each one took a hand gun and chose one of the others. Harry, Ron, and Neville all took the rifles, Luna took the rocket launcher and Ginny gleefully assembled the machine gun. Hermione took the sniper.

"Oh and I have these too." Hermione pulled out four shields that looked like they were from a Star Wars movie or something. "Charmed to look and act like ray shields."

"What are you going to do next, arm us with lightsabers?" Harry asked, amused.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "No, but if you want a hidden blade, a hidden gun, throwing knives, a scimitar, a war hammer, crossbow, bow and quiver of arrows, smoke bombs and the like, I can hook you up."

Ron's eyes went wide. "I thought your parents were dentists!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "They are. At least, that's their daytime job. They are also Assassins. And private collectors. I'm always very armed." She flexed her wrist and a hidden blade popped out of the sleeve. "In the past, they cut off the ring finger, which had to have hurt but they don't do that anymore."

Hermione then opened the door and once they reached a shelf, she climbed up it.

"I'll stay high. I'm your sniper. All you have to do it press the trigger. If you run out of bullets, reload with the bullets given to you."

"How?" Ron asked.

Hermione shrugged. "You'll figure it out. Remember, everything goes!"

As they walked… or rather ran, the five of them were amazed with Hermione's free running skills. She hadn't really displayed them before.

When they reached the aisle that Harry had told them about earlier, they were surprised to find nobody there. Just a bunch of balls.

Harry sighed. "As Admiral Ackbar would say: It's A Trap!"

"Indeed it is." Lucius Malfoy said, coming out of the shadows.

Well, he tried anyways. He was shot in the forehead by a bullet.

"Where'd that come from?" Bellatrix Lestrange said, only to get a bullet to the gut and into the head, courtesy of Neville Longbottom.

"That's for my parents, bitch."

Harry, Ron, and Neville all released the fury of their rifles as Luna happily shot people in the toes, the hands, and the ears. She herded them into one area before BOOM. They were subjected to her rocket launcher.

The Death Eaters also were getting plowed down by Hermione's sniping skills. Not to mention that Ginny had placed her machine gun on the floor and was plowing through bullets, never missing her targets.

Soon enough, the fifty Death Eaters were dead.

Hermione smirked. "And that's why you don't bring a wand to a gun fight."

The Order of Phoenix were shocked when they arrived and discovered fifty dead Death Eaters, dressed in DE robes and some wearing DE masks.

Then Voldemort appeared, tried to possess Harry only to be plagued with pictures of Ducks and was subsequently killed via Rocket Launcher.

And that's how 'Looney Lovegood' became known as the "Girl-Who-Can't-Have-Rocket-Launchers-Anymore-Because-She-Terrifies-Us-Plus-She-Killed-You-Know-Who-Which-Is-Awesome-Like-This-Rediciously-Long-Nickname"

Or as Luna put it, she was the GQCHRLABSTUPSKYKWWIALTRLN which is pronounced "Gee-qu-cry-labs-stu-up-sky-kay-woo-i-al-tra-lane"

Chapter Text

Albus Dumbledore was in a pickle.

Nobody had applied for the job as the teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts and none whom he had asked personally had accepted the position. And since Albus didn't want that little psychopath ex-student of Hogwarts running around and acting like everything was fine with unicorn barf and pink glitter glue, Albus had to resort to more… detrimental methods.

At least he would have a new History professor this year though. Nobody had been all too-excited last year when they heard that Professor Kirkland would be teaching History of Magic – they were just glad that Binns was gone.

But instead of continuing to have that free period that they had all loved and played hang-man in, Arthur had come down hard on studying, essays, and by the end of the Year, all were sad to see him go. Now, he hoped that they would extend that courteously to the two new co-Professors he had heard about. They might have been better for Defense Against the Dark Arts – true – but they were nonetheless qualified. They had read up on as much lore and myth as they could.

Those Winchesters…

But that wasn't the problem. He needed a Defense teacher but he didn't know who. Hell – even the Giant Squid would do!

And then the grey owl flew in and landed on Fawkes' perch, a letter in its beak. Fawkes would no doubt be angry that an owl had taken over his area, but he could dwell on that later. Dumbledore took the letter from the owl's beak, who then flew straight back out the window from which it came.

Opening the letter, he was shocked to find that it was from the Arkham Asylum Detention Facility in Gotham City, Massachusetts.

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I heard that you are in a bit of pickle. I heard from Batman who heard from Robin who heard from Wally who had heard from Alex who heard from Magnus who heard from Annabeth who heard from Percy who heard from Apollo (Lester; whatever) who heard from Chiron who heard from you that you're in need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Well, I'm certainly not offering up my services, but I have a patient here at Arkham who would do anything to get out of this "wretched place that's not going to last because Mistah J will get me out, ya hear!".

Her name is Doctor Harleen Quinzel, publically and infamously known as Harley Quinn, the Harlequin to the city's Joker.

She's a supervillain, but given recent teachers, I'm sure it isn't too much of stretch. She is a muggle, but she would be able to guide them much more than the "pink toad" I've heard so much about.

If you do agree for her to be part of your staff at Hogwarts, please reply with an international portkey.

I must go – Harley is currently screeching about how she wants to go "across the pond".


Dr. Leslie Thompkins

Well, Dr. Thompkins certainly wasn't wrong – Albus was desperate and the students had worse before. What was one more psychopath?

Oh – next year he should definitely bring in that high-functioning sociopath.

Yes – then he could die from some weird ring with this curse on it. But shhh – that's supposed to stay a secret for Book 6!

Oh – the fourth wall? I though you learned from the last 59 chapters! It simply doesn't exist my friend.

But wait – I don't know you, therefore we can't be addressed as friends. My mistake. But then again, I've never had a friend who could be such an ass, leaving some chapters without reviews!

Cheers to anyone who understood that reference!

Hey! I understood that reference!

And that one! And that one!

We should probably get back on topic.

Dumbledore rummaged through a bunch of knick-knacks that he bought for 50% off in thrift shops around the globe. He found one that he could part with – a small little doll wearing a black and white pantsuit in a checkered pattern, a white and black clown mask and had curly hair styled to where it looked like the girl was wearing a hat made for a harlequin.

Quite fitting, don't you think?

He tucked the doll after charming it into an envelope and addressed it to Harley Quinn.

Harley Quinn

Arkham Asylum Detention Facility, Gotham City (MA)

From: Mistah D

He gave it to Fawkes, who had returned. "Give it to the Gotham City Postal Service. Specifically, to Larry the Foozball Guy."

"Sqraw?" Fawkes asked.

"Yes – it's the guy in the neon green jumpsuit who is always preaching those foozball scores." Dumbledore confirmed.

"Sqraw." Fawkes replied. And then Fawkes flew out the window.

Harley Quinn sat in her straightjacket, tied to a gurney and laughing her head off.

"I'll see all of you guys later!" she cried out happily as Dr. Thompkins presented her with an envelope. "I'm going back to school!"

The two men who were wheeling the gurney looked at each other in horror. Harley Quinn go back to school? In this state?

Once the straightjacket was off, Harley dashed for the letter and all but ripped open the envelope. There was no note – just a doll, a small doll wearing a black and white pantsuit in a checkered patter, a white and black clown mask and bright red hair curled upwards into a hat – a harlequin's hat.

Harley Quinn cackled manically before disappearing without a trace.

"You aren't getting your doll back."

That was the first thing that Albus Dumbledore heard when a loud THUMP rocked his office.

"That's quite alright." Dumbledore said, looking up from his desk. He saw a young woman – no older than twenty-five perhaps – wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and having her blonde hair in a rat's nest.

It was to be expected of course.

Dumbledore had been informed that she was a patient in a psychiatric detention facility… the fact that Gotham needed an asylum just showed how messed up that city was.

"Harley Quinn, I presume?" Dumbledore said.

"That's right, pudding." Harley replied, winking.

"Well, in that bag is a couple of robes. Professor Minerva McGonagall, the Transfiguration professor here, heard from her cousin – I assume you know her – Dr. Leslie Thompkins – that you would need clothes at arrival. I told her that you liked red, black, and white. I hope she did justice."

Minerva had outdone herself. Once she heard that the new professor was insane and another criminal, she apparated herself to America (specifically, the Mall of America) and shopped for the most insane clothes she could find while sticking to the color scheme. She even threw in some hair dye.

"Wait, one of your professors is related to Batman?" Harley asked, her head shooting up as she admired the clothes. Much better than anything Arkham Asylum could provide.

It was an asylum after all, and not to mention they thought orange was a good color to give to the "patients" to wear.

Not that the Rebel Alliance in Star Wars is much better though…

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "Oh? I had no idea."

"Well if this Minerva chick really is the cousin of Dr. Thompkins, then she knows that Alfred Pennyworth is most definitely her cousin-in-law. And Pennyworth is the adoptive father of Batman aka Bruce Wayne. Mistah J and I know who he is outside the mask but since we give him so much crap on the streets, why bring it to them? Besides, it's kind of funny to have them conceal themselves from us when in reality we know who they are. Mistah J didn't figure it out before the whole "Killing the Baby Bat" incident with Red Hood though…"

"So Minevera is related to a celebrity… well, two actually." Dumbledore said. "One of the students I'd like you to look out for – Harry Potter. His name has been dragged through the mud recently. The press is calling him a lier."

"How this chick related to him?"

"She was his father's godmother, which makes her his grand-godmother."

"Grand-godmother?" Harley asked. "That's a thing?"

"Indeed. Now, let me give you the run-down of all that you will be doing."

"Welcome back to another amazing year at Hogwarts. We currently have several staff changes. Professor Kirkland had an urgent matter to attend to with the Muggle Government and will not be returning to teach History of Magic. In his stead will be your two new professors: Professor Dean Winchester and Professor Sam Winchester. And no – Sam's the younger one. The next staff change is for Care for Magical Creatures. Our esteemed Groundskeeper Hagrid is currently taking a leave of absence for a family reunion. He will be back by the end of the month, I assure you, but for now, Professor Grubby-Plank will be subbing for you all. Professor Burbage is also not with us due to her getting into a serious accident weeks before school started. Professor Annabeth Chase will be teaching you in her place. And the final staff change is the one that all of you have been waiting for. The Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor – Dr. Harleen Quinzel, better known as Harley Quinn!"

Hermione shot up into the air. "The Harley Quinn? As in – the partner of the Joker? As in the bad-ass villain of the Batman comics, known for her love of mallets? She's our new Professor?" She looked almost hopeful.

"Sure am, pudding." Harley – no Professor Quinn – said. "What's your name?"

"Hermione Granger. I am your biggest fan!"

Neville shot into the air. "Do you think you can bring Poison Ivy here? She's my favorite comic book character! Eco-terrorism is such a good cause, don't you think?"

"Posion Ivy? No biggie – she'll be happy to meet another eco-terrorist. Anybody else want somebody? Mistah J? Penguin – he's an asshole by the way – uh, let's see… Clayface, Riddler, Ra's al Ghul, Talia al Ghul… Robin? Red Robin? Red Hood? Nightwing?"

A little eleven year old Hufflepuff, recently sorted, screamed out "NIGHTWING! HE HAS THE BEST ASS IN ALL OF DC COMICS!"

"Batman? Oh speaking of Batman, did you know that Batman's adoptive father – Alfred is married to Dr. Leslie Thompkins, the cousin of your dear Professor McGonagall?"

More chaos reigned.

Dear Reader,

I am sorry to inform you, but we have been notified that Harley Quinn's classes were full of fun and highly illegal activites (in the eyes of the Ministry). If you want to read about what really happened… you'll just have to wait until that lovely author typing this decides to actually write about it in a full chapters story.

This author is willing to re-write the whole Harry Potter series in the interest of hilariousness and a bunch of other professors, primarily from other fandoms.

Please see our poll on quibbler . com

Thank you for your business!

Luna Lovegood Scamander (Editor-In-Chief)

Micky-The-Supernatural-Mouse (Assistant Editor-In-Chief)

Chapter Text

"Muh-hah-hah!" Voldemort laughed evilly. He was surrounded by nobody but Wormtail "Where are my Death Eaters?"

"Uh – sorry, my lord – but they've been arrested for tax evasion. Apparently being a wizard doesn't make you exempt from muggles taxes…"

Voldemort pouted. "I hate the system…" But inwardly, he was jumping for joy. He was legally dead!

Chapter Text

Draco Malfoy was a meme.

He was a Hogwarts meme and there was nothing that Draco Malfoy could do about it, even if he knew what a meme was.

It had started off simple enough. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy insulted each other daily and none of them had notice a little Hufflepuff girl named Shirley. Shirley constantly watched their verbal sparring and was intrigued and wanted to know if they were rehearsed or something.

But Shirley was too afraid to go up and ask the Brave and Noble Harry Potter and was absolutely terrified of Evil and Cunning Draco Malfoy.

Shirley eventually came to the conclusion that they did rehearse their arguments, or that there was some kind of sexual tension between them…BST maybe?

Either way, one phrase stuck with her. Well actually two but one was more of a word than a phrase.

"My Father will hear about this!"

"Ah – running to daddy dearest again?" Harry Potter taunted. "I'm surprised that you have the bravery to get out of bed in the morning… or is that was Crabbe and Goyle are for?"


And that's how Draco Malfoy became a meme.

Shirley spread this around. Soon enough, if something went wrong or someone said something you didn't like, you could hear "My Father will hear about this!" or the ever so popular "POTTER!"

However, everyone agreed the moment when they all lost it was when Harry Potter spilt eggs down his front, groaned, and yelled, "POTTER!"

The Hall was gasping for air.

Chapter Text

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy's arguments were legendary in the halls of Hogwarts. Crowds loved to form and some even ran betting pools on who would be the winner of that round.

In Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy arguments there was always at least a round two or even three if they were lucky.

Normally, teachers would deduct points from any and all houses that participated, even more so if there was someone who threw out a suggestion or two.

This argument was rather escalated compared to others.

"At least my mother isn't a whore!"

"A Whore? My mother, a member of the honored Black Family, and you dare to call her a whore? You know who's a whore? Your mother!" Draco shouted back.

"Thirty Points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy." the silky and soft voice of Professor Snape drifted through the halls. "I do not want anyone to speak of Lily Evans in such a way again. I am I understood?"

Everyone nodded fearful.

"Now scram before I take more points!"

Harry, Ron, and Neville ran off, one thing on their mind.

Did Professor Snape really take points away from Slytherin and speak well about Harry's mother – a known muggle-born?

Guess anything truly was possible!

Chapter Text

"Did you hear?" a girl whispered to her best friend. "Newt Scamander brought a new magical beast. Again."

"What magical beast?" the best friend of the girl whispered back.

"I dunno. All I know is that it's large… and scaly… and it's in the Lake!"

"Sullying the Black Lake!" shrieked a Slytherin. "Dedicated to the best Headmaster our school has seen! And then Scamander goes and sullies it with – with – with that BEAST!"

"Calm yourself…" Professor Horace Slughorn replied to his Slug Club member.

"No, I am sorry Professor, but I can't! My great-aunt was the third cousin of Phineas Nigellas Black and I won't have it destroyed by that squid."

"Calm yourself Lestrange!" Horace cried. "It's not a squid. It's actually –"

But Lestrange gave it it's nickname: the Giant Squid of the Black Lake.

Newt Scamander continuously brought more and more creatures, in hopes of pissing off the Lestange more. Mermaids…Grindylows… anything that he could think of.

And almost 80 years later, he sends an apology to Fleur Delacour, apologizing for the descendants of the original ten Grindylows he had brought to have attacked her, but the French woman had waved the words away.

And that's the story of how the Giant Squid came to be. It's Newt's fault. Isn't it always?


Chapter Text

Harry ran through the woods. The other members of his unit had either fallen behind or they were incarcerated by the man who he was chasing's followers. Most of the Death Eaters had surrendered, especially those who were thought to be "well-respected Ministry workers" like Pius Thickness. Others had escaped in the amount of time it took to reset the barrier disabling apparition into the castle.

This one, a man named Liouba Keznetsov, a Russian-born Death Eater and particularly loyal to Voldemort, who had killed her family but offered her amnesty from their actions in return for her "humble and ever-dying loyalty". After word of Voldemort's defeat and death spread to her branch of the Death Eaters wrecking havoc in Russia in the name of Voldemort got out, she went into a distant frenzy and gather all who would follow her and had been on the run from them for two years now.

Now nearing twenty, Harry just wanted to settle down and actually take care of his two and a half year old godson Teddy, but that obviously wasn't going to happen soon. Death Eater activity was still running rampant and highly unchecked, mostly in small bands – called "cells" by most of the Aurors – and generally just caused minor or treatable major injuries. But Keznetsov's cell was by far the worst, employing long-standing torture methods that were better lost to history.

"Vy ne smozhete ostanovit' nas. Pozhirateli voskresnet posle Temnogo Lorda yeshche raz." She yelled, stopping in a clearing, her wand at the ready.

"Sorry, I don't speak Russian." Harry said in a sarcastic apologetic tone. "Excuse my asking if you need a cough drop or two."

Keznetsov rolled her eyes before straightening and sending out the deadly curse, "Avada Kedavra!"

She was too fast. Harry tried to roll out of the way but she had compensated for that, and Harry went straight into Keznetsov's death curse. Cursing himself he closed his eyes, waiting for the curse to finally kill him.

It had been two years since he was last subjected to it. And it wasn't exactly fun. Keznetsov grinned as she packed away her wand. "Pust' vasha dusha sgoret' dotla v ogne ada." She spat.

And then the curse hit.

And Harry wasn't dead.

The line of the prophecy hit him. He hadn't heard it since fifth year but he didn't need to. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.

Did that mean that he fucking immortal now?


He grumbled as he got off the ground. Keznetsov continued to spit out rapid Russian, him not understanding a word. "Kakiye? Kak ty mozhesh' byt' zhiv? Razve moye proklyatiye ne rabotayet? Chto sluchilos'? YA nikogda ne smog v liteynom avada kedavra!"

He could contemplate this later. "Stupefy!" he cried, and Keznetsov crumpled to the ground. She was stunned – for now.

They finally caught her. And he was fucking immortal.

Life was good… and bad.

Like – really bad. How was the Elder Wand supposed to loose it's power now? Stupid wand ownership laws…

Chapter Text

YEAR ONE – The Famous Evans Temper

Harry Potter had always been a strange child in the eyes of his peers and "family".

That hadn't changed when he received his Hogwarts letter. In fact, it just seemed to serve the purpose of proving his peers and family correct: he was strange. He was different. He was unique. Why be normal when being normal was boring?

The staring and whispers hadn't stopped when he came to Hogwarts. In contrast, they only seemed to grow louder and more frequent by the day.

"Didn't you hear? He lost his house a hundred and fifty points… in one night!"

"Nobody even wants to be near him anymore. It's like he wants Slytherin to win!"

After constant whispers and stares, Harry had enough.


The Hall was stunned into silence.

McGonagall barely whispered, "Ninety points to Gryffindor."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. A First Year managing to make the entire hall quiet in seconds on their first try? He was nearing a hundred and ten and even he couldn't do that. He swore the last time this happened was back in 1973 when Lily Evans yelled at everyone for shunning her just because she turned the Marauders in when she found them wrongly in the library studying something (a book of How to Become an Animagus for Beginners) they had gotten from the Restricted Section. The house had lost three hundred points, a hundred for each of the participants. Peter Pettigrew hadn't participated.

Severus simply whispered in an admiring voice, "The famous Evans temper…" before realizing who he was talking about and resetting his face into a scowl.

Everyone's thoughts raced to one fact: Harry Potter had done the impossible again.

Harry Potter was a God.

YEAR TWO- Battle of the Gods


The sound resounded throughout the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, seeming like it was in a constant echoing state. The students sat gob smacked as one God smacked another God.

It would probably due to give you some background information first, shouldn't it?

It all started when they filed into the classroom for their first lesson. It was mainly a quiz about their teacher, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart who left the woman enthralled and the men jealous.

"Well, it seems only Miss Granger bothered to remember that my favorite color is lavender. I said so in Chapter 37 of Gaddling with Ghouls…"

Hermione Granger blushed. How could she not, when her teacher was such a god?

Harry Potter, Hogwarts' own God rolled his eyes. What did lavender have to do with DADA?

"Oh my gosh. My name is his favorite color!" Lavender Brown said excitedly to Pavarti Patil, her best friend.

"And he's so-o-o-o-o-o hot!" cried Pavarti. "It's no wonder he wins Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile contest every time."

Potter Eye Roll

Pansy Parkinson shrugged. "He's not that hot." She decided, looking at the man. "I mean, there's something about that curly blond hair and those sparkling blue eyes…" She quickly said as Pavarti, Hermione, and Lavender all glared at the Slytherin.

"He has brown eyes." Lavender replied. "His favorite color is brown and his eyes are lavender."

"No… he had blue eyes." sighed Tracey Davis. "Beautiful blue eyes that sparkle like the sky on a warm summer's day that quickly turn to the color of ice within the months of winter."

All the other girls just sighed in unison, but Pansy's sigh was almost wistful and insincere.

This continued on throughout the period and Harry was getting fed up. Ron leaned over. "Um – are we going to have another Evans incident?"

Harry rolled his eyes for the fiftieth time. "Just going to put on a little show."

They ended up having a play by play of Lockhart's second book – Year with the Yeti. In this scene, Harry was supposed to attack the "Yeti" (aka Crabbe).

Instead, Harry slapped the man.

The man blinked as he registered what happened. "Did- did you just smack me?"

"Yes." Harry replied cheerfully. "Do you want to be smacked again."

"Who do you think you are?" Lockhart hissed.

"Potter." Harry replied. "Harry Potter."

The drawl he used was unmistakeable. It was Draco Malfoy's signature pompous tone.

"That's plagiarism! That's my tone and my introduction!"

"To be fair, you stole it from James Bond first." Harry pointed out.

Everyone in the room stared at Harry for the second time with the same though process. Potter's a God…

YEAR THREE: Convicts Gonna Infiltrate-trate-trate

They should have expected it at this point but they didn't because wizards don't have common sense.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" screamed a "terrified" first year.

"How'd he get in?"

"…Why the hell is Potter hugging the man? Didn't he kill his parents?"

"Shut up!" Harry Potter yelled. "You are all idiots. Don't you examine facts and make sure that people get a trial? What the hell is up with this governmental system?"

Everyone looked shocked – Black didn't have a trial?

"Alright – listen, we are only waiting for the aurors to get here and have Sirius explain what he did do in comparison to what he didn't do but everyone thinks that he did it anyways because they lack common sense." Harry explained.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" asked Cho Chang.

"That was a question itself but sure." Harry replied. "But limit it to three questions."

"Alright. Mr. Black, what is your relation to Potter?"

"He's my godson."

"Do you have a history of troublemaking?"

"Considering I was a Marauder, I would have to state that yes, I am a troublemaker. What's the point of these questions?"

"No point. Just curious. My final question is this: What is the square root of pi?"

"Um – a slice?" Sirius replied.

"There's no way a convicted murder would know that. He's clean." Cho replied.

Harry rolled his eyes. "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

"There he is! Dementors – kiss him!" cried a fat pink toad wearing ruffles and a bow on her curled hair that looked like it belonged in the 1920s… in America.

"He's innocent!" cried the hall.

"I don't care!" the pink toad yelled back. "Go Dementors, Go!"

"Stupefy! Expecto Patronum!"

The stunning curse hit the pink toad and the Patronus (a brilliant stag but you already knew that) drove back the dementors.

"Who is that?" Harry asked, kicking her still form.

"Dolores J. Umbitch, former Warden of Azkaban and now Senior Undersecretary to the Minister. I heard that a Dementor kissed her and died because she sucked out its soul."

"Dementors have souls?"

"Nope. That's why they have to eat them…"

The Hall looked fearfully on at the thirteen year old wizard. A God indeed!


"Avada Kedavra!" Harry cried, looking at man who had betrayed his parents to Voldemort and Voldemort who was currently baby-ified.

His amazing aim killed both of them at once.

Cedric looked on at awe. Had Harry not done that, he would have died. And it technically wasn't murder because one was half snake and both had been declared legally as dead.

You can't really murder someone who is already dead after all. Legally that is.

More of "ensuring their corpse isn't a reanimated rip-off" which is actually quite nice.

Reanimation sucks. Ask the First, Second, Third, and Fourth Hokage and everyone else who gets reanimated in Naruto and Naruto: Shippuden.

The re-death of Voldemort only cemented in the fact that Harry Potter was a GOD.

Chapter Text

Hogwarts, a school for Witches and Wizards, were no strangers to people from foreign countries. However, foreign countries in a different universe from theirs was kind of new.

"I would like to welcome the new transfers. Some of them you will find, are much older than you. However, they will just be here for a few weeks in order to provide security." Albus Dumbledore, a man a lot older than Makarov spoke. "I will allow them to introduce themselves and the type of magic they use."

"I'm Lucy Heartfilia, I use Celestial Spirit Magic, which means I can summon the spirits of the Celestial World with these keys." She explained.

At the Hufflepuff table, however, a fifth year asshole of a student who didn't deserve to be a Hufflepuff, named Zacharias Smith, laughed.

"Summon spirits? I hardly find that impressive!"

"She has about five-sixths of the golden Zodiac keys," said a light blue haired mage with a navy rose in her hair. "Lucy is more than just impressive. I think she could easily make S-Class!"

"Yukino…" Lucy whispered, placing her hand over her heart before turning back to her opponent. "What's your name, hot-shot?"

"Zacharias Smith, fifth year Prefect and a descendant of Helga Hufflepuff herself!"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "So? Your ancestors doesn't mean anything about who you are as a person. I'm the descendant of Anna Heartfilia, a powerful mage in her time but that doesn't mean I'm impressive because of my relation to her."

"It should," Zacharias replied hotly. "And so that means that if you aren't as impressive as her, then you are weak in comparison."

Lucy hated being called weak.

"Oh yeah? Well, originally, I was going to beat your ass into the dirt and let everyone cry over your bloody and mangled almost-corpse by letting my spirits take all their anger out on you… but well, your comment has made me angry. So I'm the one that'll go the hard work." Lucy growled, taking out a key.

Well, in reality, she requipped it, but that's neither here nor there.

"Star Dress: Taurus Form!" She said, her eyes never leaving her target. Her clothes became those associated with Taurus – the half short, half pant black leather pants, the cow-print bikini top and arm warmers, the high white leather boots, the white back around her waist connecting the belt bearing Taurus' symbol and her hair curled into twin buns with two tresses running down to rest on her shoulders.

Needless to say, everyone who hadn't seen her Star Dress before were having a hard time keeping their jaws closed.

In her hand was a whip (with a heart-shaped cracker) that she cracked menacingly on the ground.

Zacharias didn't even have a chance to scream.

He went flying through the roof (literately). Dumbledore simply sighed.

He supposed that Fairy Tail lived up to their property destruction tendencies.

"My word," 'Professor' Dolores J. Umbridge said. "How dare you harm a student?"

You see, Umbridge liked Smith because he was an asshole like her. They were best buds.

"He deserved it," Lucy replied, changing out of her Taurus Star Dress.

"He obviously had a reason! You are far too destructive to be here at this school. Take your property damage somewhere else." She said, shooing her away.

Another thing Lucy hated. Being called 'destructive'. She was one of the least destructive people in Fairy Tail.

"Star Dress: Sagittarius Form!" Lucy yelled, "Star Shot!"

Changing into the green dress quickly, launching off rapid arrows at the witch, pinning her to the wall. Lucy then changed out of her Star Dress and summoned, "Gemini!"

The little blue twins appeared in an instant and immediately knew what to do. They changed into Lucy and clasped their hand into her's.

A few verses of chanting for Urano Metria later, Umbridge was screaming about "BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" (Tears)

Needless to say, Lucy was hailed as a Hogwarts hero. And she hadn't even been there for half an hour…

Chapter Text

"Thank you, Headmaster, for those kind words of welcome," 'Professor' Umbridge was saying before there was a shriek and a loud THUMP in front of the golden podium.

"JAMES! I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!" screamed one of the redheads.

Siriusly, more than half of them were red-headed. And red hair is recessive.

There was about sixteen of them, and with a few exceptions of blondes and raven-haired people, all of them were redheaded.

The eldest of them was the one with the strangest hair color. It was turquoise. His eyes were green, which surprisingly enough, didn't clash with the blue hair. He was dressed rather muggle, wearing a sweater with a 'T' in the middle and faded jeans. Everyone else was dressed in school robes, except the eldest female, who was dressed similarly, but her sweater had a 'V' instead. Her blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun and her blue eyes shimmered.

One of the blondes, whose platinum hair color matched with the dark grey eyes made him a slightly older version of their very own Draco Malfoy, complimented by the green and silver tie and Slytherin crest on his robes. "I'm so done with time travel." He sighed before he walked up to the pink toad who was attempting to calm everyone down to continue her speech, and then turned her into a toad with a pink boa. "That's better." He said before conjuring a pillow and face planting onto it.

One of the raven-haired teens nodded in agreement. "Couldn't have said it better myself." He said, conjuring up his own pillow and face planting.

One of the redheads – this one was female – sighed. Her Gryffindor robes contrasted greatly to the two males Slytherin robes. "Come on Scorpion King. Come on Al."

"I'm not going to get up." replied the raven-haired teen. "Nothing you will say can make me."

"I'll get up if you go on a date with me." said the blond.

"Uh, no." Rose said, yanking both of them up off of their pillows.

Everyone was watching this scene and the scene where everyone was slapping another one of the raven-haired teens.

"Perhaps you should introduce yourselves?" Albus Dumbledore questioned.

"Sorry about this Professor Dumbledore," the turquoise haired man said, recognizing the old man from the portraits in the Headmaster's office. He had certainly been sent there enough times. "Judging from the hopping pink toadness of Umbitch there, I guess this is 1995?"

"It is indeed." Dumbledore replied, looking at the turquoise haired man. "I'm assuming that you are from the future then?"

"Pretty much." he replied. "All thanks to that one. AGAIN!"

"Aww… Teddy, aren't I just your favorite god-brother?" asked the very red-faced raven haired teen. He was promptly slapped twice by two redheaded teen girls while three others – two boys and one girl – laughed merrily in the back.

"Whatever…" Teddy said. "I'm Edward 'Teddy' Remus Lupin. I'm the son of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks nee Lupin. I was born on April 26th, 1998."

There were wolf-whistles from the Weasley Twins. "Way to go, Professor Lupin!"

"Tonks will be so excited." Ginny said, but there was definitely an undertone in her voice – like she was expecting Tonks to end up with someone else.

"As you can see, I'm a metamorphagus," He changed his turquoise blue hair into a sandy brown, making him look exactly like Remus Lupin, but younger. "And no matter how much Rita Skeeter writes, I AM NOT A HALF-WEREWOLF!"

"He's just cranky around the full moon," replied the eldest girl.

"Anyways, I'm 23 and I was sorted into Hufflepuff. I also was Head Boy… somehow." Teddy said, continuing. "I was raised by my grandmother, Andromeda Tonks, nee Black, and my godfather, Harry Potter."

In his seat at the Gryffindor table, Harry nearly choked. "Professor Lupin made me your godfather."

"Yup." Teddy said.

"I'm Victoire Fleur Lupin nee Weasley. I'm the daughter of Bill Weasley and Fleur Weasley nee Delacour. I'm an eighth-veela. I was born on May 2, 2000. I'm 21 and I was sorted into Ravenclaw."

Wolf-whistles sounded throughout the hall.

"Nice catch, Lupin!"

"Ooo, smokin'."

"Please don't make me attempt to murder any of you. I'm a fully trained Auror." Teddy sighed. Immediately, the wolf-whistles stopped.

"As for any other accomplishments… I was Head Girl and I'm also a fully trained curse breaker."

"Mum's not going to like that," George laughed. "Another to dangerous jobs."

"It's expected from Bill's kid." Fred sighed. "I don't expect any pranksters from him – or Percy's, if that prat returns."

"Don't worry, Uncle Percy learns the error of his ways in Aunt Ginny's sixth year." Victoire replied.

"I'm Dominque Gabrielle Weasley." said a girl with the same blonde hair as her elder sister, and dark blue eyes. "I'm eighteen, recently graduated. Like the rest of my family, I was sorted into Gryffindor. I was a Prefect, but I mainly used it to snog my various boyfriends in broom closets after hours and then break up with them by issuing detention. They called me the 'Man-Killer' but due to being an eighth Veela, men couldn't resist." Dominque laughed, along with Fred and George.

"I never would have thought – Bill's kid!" laughed Ron.

Some of the teachers looked at Dominque disapprovingly, but she didn't seem to notice.

"I'm Louis Bill Weasley." said a red-haired teen with blue eyes said. "I'm in my seventh year and I was sorted into Gryffindor. I'm no prefect or Head Boy – in fact, I'm a Next Generation Marauder! Along with three of my cousins, I have a permanent seat in the Headmistress' Office."


"Well, if we're going down the list by eldest Weasley child, I'm next," said a red haired female rather snootily. "I'm Molly Ginevra Weasley. I'm eighteen. I was a prefect and Head Girl. I was sorted into Gryffindor. I'm the daughter of Percy Weasley and Audrey Weasley nee Ackerman."

"She's such a buzzkill." said another red haired female. Her eyes were noticeably brown, just like Molly's. "I'm Lucy Audrey Weasley, Molly's younger sister. I'm seventeen, in my seventh year and I'm a Next Generation Marauder!"

Fred and George wiped fake tears off their eyes.

"Who knew –"

" – that Percy –"

" – could manage – "

" – to have – "

" – an interesting child!" the Weasley twins finished together.

"Hello, good people of Hogwarts!" cried a teen with light brown skin and black hair. He had dark eyes and a wide smile. "I'm Fred Weasley the Second, Gryffindor, Seventh Year, and Prankster Extraordinaire! I'm the son of George Weasley and Angelina Weasley nee Johnson. I'm a Next Generation Marauder as well."

All the teachers groaned. Three more Marauders? Hah – as if.

"I'm this idiot's twin." sighed a girl with light brown skin and black hair. She had the same dark eyes. "I'm Roxanne Angelina Weasley, Beater, and Co-Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team."

"I'm the other Co-Captain," Fred II put in.

"George," Fred addressed his brother. "You have made a beautiful child."

"Why thank you," George replied.


Angelina rolled her eyes.

Fred II and another raven-haired teen – the one who had been getting slapped continuously – exchanged some galleons.

"Damn… I never should have taken that bet…" he groaned.

"Rose Nymphadora Granger-Weasley," said a red haired and brown eyed teen. "I'm entering my fifth year – and I've been made prefect. I'm a Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and I'm the daughter of, quite obviously, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."

If it was possible, the toad talked and said, "Filthy halfbreed… daughter of a filthy mudblood."

Rose and another red head whipped out their wands. "Don't talk about my mother that way, Umbitch," she spat. She cast a quick transfiguration spell at Umbridge, returning her to her previous human form. "She's one of the most important people in the British Ministry of Magic and so what if she's a mudblood? Growing up, she said that she's a mudblood and she's bloody damn well proud about it!"

"Most important people?" Umbridge croaked warily, looking at Rose's wand warily.

"She's the Minster for Magic, you toad." Rose replied. "And her Senior Undersecretary isn't you."

"Congrats, Hermione." Harry grinned looking at his best friend and basically sister. Hermione blushed at the thundering applause from the teachers (shockingly, Snape was among them) and from most of the students. Even a few Slytherins were clapping (it was mainly the small muggleborn population, but several half-bloods and even a pureblood or two were clapping).

"Last I checked, Umbitch was still rotting in Azkaban for her Crimes Against Humanity with the Muggleborn Registration Committee and for being in possession of a multitude of dark items, like blood quills, which she is famous for using on students during her term as a Professor at Hogwarts…" murmured Molly. "Besides, she's such a hypocrite! Did you know that she's a half-blood and has a Squib brother?"

Umbridge growled. "My fool of a father married a muggle – that's why my brother was born a Squib!"

"Save the drama for the dementors," snapped Rose.

"I'm Hugo Viktor Granger-Weasley. I'm in my third year. I'm the captain of Hogwart's Wizard Chess Club and I play Keeper for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team."

"He's also the one who's going to take over for the Marauders once we graduate," said the same raven haired teen from before. He had brown eyes, making him look like a mini James Potter. "I'm James Sirius Potter. I'm the godson of Uncle George and Aunt Hermione. I'm a Next Gen. Marauder like Lucy, Louis and Fred II. I'm in Gryffindor like any good Potter." He got punched in his arm by a Harry look alike.

"I'm Albus Severus Potter. I'm in my fifth year. I'm the godson of Neville Longbottom and Hannah Longbottom nee Abbott. As you've probably guessed, I'm a Slytherin. And I'm glad I am because do you have any idea on how hard it is to be the son of Harry Potter and Ginny Potter nee Weasley? Both are so famous and it's so annoying when everyone expects me to be exactly like them. I'm not on any Quidditch teams though I do like the Irish National Quidditch Team and the Holyhead Harpies. I'm never going to be Prefect or Head Boy and I'm banned from Hogsmaede for the rest of my life because I messed up the universe last year – but I did return it to its previous state…"

"A Slytherin Potter?"

"No way – Harry's kid in Slytherin?"

The last red head rolled her eyes. "Honestly. You make it sound so surprising. Al isn't the first Slytherin Potter, but he is the first to be born into the Potter line since like, forever." She shrugged. "Anyways, I'm Lily Luna Potter, third year Gryffindor. I'm the seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and I'm the goddaughter of Luna Scamander nee Lovegood."

"Looney Lovegood got someone to marry her?"

"HEY!" said one blond haired child.

"That's," another continued.






"About." The two finished.

"We're Lorcan and Lysander Scamander." said one.

"We have two more years until our first year at Hogwarts," said the other.

"But we think we'll be sorted into either Hufflepuff,"

"Or Ravenclaw, like our Mum." finished one.

They had Luna's dirty blonde hair but they had dark brown eyes.

Dumbledore looked at the two twins. "Do you happen to be related to Newt Scamander?"

"Yup!" grinned Lorcan (or was it Lysander?).

"He's our Great-Grandad!" replied Lysander (or was it Lorcan?).

"And Great-Grandma Tina is Porpentina Scamander nee Goldstein!"

"Goldstein?" choked Anthony Goldstein. "Is she related to Queenie Goldstein?"

"That's Great-Grandma's sister!"

"Great…" muttered Anthony. "Queenie Goldstein is my dad's great aunt."

"I guess I'm the only one left," sighed the last platinum blond. "Hi. I'm Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. Son of Draco Malfoy and Astoria Malfoy nee Greengrass, may she rest in peace. I don't care what those rumors say about me – I AM NOT THE BLOODY DARK LORD'S SON! I've met Voldemort's daughter. She's a bitch, just like her mom, Bellatrix Lestrange. I'm a Slytherin, but I don't like all the 'pure-bloods are the best crap' because come on – Minister Granger is so badass and she's a muggleborn. She somehow got five hundred and twenty-four percent as her average grade for her NEWTs so… I'm madly in love with her daughter, the lovely Rose Granger-Weasley." He got a goofy sort of smile on his face.

"She's turned you down over thirty times in the last week." Albus sighed.

"The acorn is blossoming! She's only slapped me twice this week for asking her! That acorn shall blossom into our marriage one day!" Scorpius sighed, gazing off into the distance. "Anyways, like Albus, I'm never going to be considered for Prefect or Head Boy because in my fourth year, I really messed stuff up in the universe. But we fixed it, so it's all good. I'm also banned from Hogsmaede but I didn't really go there anyways, and Albus burned his permission slip back in third year, of course, his dad sent Professor McGonagall one anyways, but that's really not the point."

Professor Dumbledore looked at the group. "I'm sure that all of the student body are wondering on what each of your parents do? Mr. Lupin?"

"Well, my parents are dead. They died in the Battle of Hogwarts on May 2nd, 1998, a few days after I was born. I was raised by my grandmother Andromeda Tonks, who was officially restored to the Black family by Narcissa. My mother was also added, so I eventually showed up on that tapestry too. Gran retired early so she wasn't really working when I was growing up. As for my godfather and my godmother, well, Uncle Harry was the Head Auror but the old Head of the DMLE retired and since Hermione went from being the Deputy Head to Minister, he filled the position of Head of the DMLE. Uncle Harry is also a guest lecturer for DADA – he's always asked to do lectures about werewolves and Death Eaters and Voldemort and for the fifth years, he teaches the basics of the Patronus and the seventh years get to really practice – driving off dementors and sending messages. The Deputy Head is Susan Bones. As for Aunt Ginny, she played professional Quidditch for the Holyhead Harpies until she got pregnant with James in 2004 and then she retired to become the Daily Prophet's Senior Quidditch correspondent. She's now the Senior Sports editor." Teddy said.

"My parents both work at Gringotts." said Victoire. "Maman works part-time as a clerk and Papa now maintains curses around the more secure vaults." Dominque and Louis nodded.

"As you all likely know, Dad worked under Crouch in the Department of International Magic Cooperation and is currently the Junior Assistant to the Minister and Court Scribe. Well, after he quit his job by hexing his boss –"Lucy started but was interrupted by the whoops of joy made by the Weasleys. "– to be fair, the guy was a Death Eater – he's now the Head of the Department of Magical Transportation."

"Mum is an attorney in both the magical and muggle worlds." Molly said. "She's a muggleborns and she's the one who helped Uncle Harry get his late godfather Sirius to be fully acquitted in both worlds and to receive an Order of Merlin, First Class, just like Teddy's Mum and Dad!"

"SIRIUS BLACK?" roared Umbridge. "That filthy Blood-traitor –"

"Again, save the drama for the dementors." Rose spat. Everyone jumped at the sudden yells created by Umbridge – they'd forgotten she'd even existed. "Sirius Black is innocent and Peter Pettigrew is a bastard – that's all everyone needs to know right now."

"Dad is the owner and manager of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Sadly, Uncle Fred died during the Battle of Hogwarts. I'm named after him," said Fred II.

"Mum works at the Ministry." said Roxanne. "She's an Auror. She played Professional Quidditch for a while, but retired to become an Auror."

"Mum is of course, the Minister for Magic. But before she worked in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and managed to make S.P.E.W. an international organization. She transferred to the DMLE and became Deputy Head." Rose said. "Of course, she's also the only one of the 'Golden Trio' to attain her NEWTs. Due to complications, my mum, dad, and Uncle Harry had to drop out of Hogwarts after their sixth year. My mum was the only one who went back."

Hermione looked scandalized that she would drop out of Hogwarts. Ron and Harry looked at each other wondering on how the hell Harry managed to get to being the head of the DMLE, much less Head Auror without taking his NEWTs.

"Dad was an Auror for about five years but he decided to leave the Aurors and help Uncle George with the joke shop." said Hugo. "A few years ago, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes made Zonko's go out of business. Then again, they don't just sell joke items – they also sell defense items like Shield Hats and Shield Boots and other nifty gadgets."

"Didn't the Peruvian Instant Darkness powder let Uncle Harry, Aunt Hermione, and Uncle Ron break into the Ministry of Magic?" asked Fred II. "Or was it the Decoy Detonators?"

"I know that Puking Pastilles and Nose-bleed Nougats were used." replied Roxanne.

"I heard that Gringotts is still really mad at Uncle Harry, Aunt Hermione, and Uncle Ron because they broke into the Lestrange's vault." said Lucy.

"They have a reason to be," Molly sniffed. "Honestly, if you disguised yourself as Bellatrix Lestrange and used the Imperious curse on one of the goblins not to even mention the fact that they stole a priceless artifact and later destroyed it and had a goblin-made sword in an attempt to destroy the priceless artifact and steal that poor blind dragon? I'd be pissed too!"

"At least the dragon is now flying free!" Lorcan said.

"Yeah – it's inhumane to keep a dragon in a dark, enclosed space, not to mention that it was abused!" continued Lysander.

Luna and several others nodded in agreement.

"Anyways, you've already heard about what my parents and my godfather and godmother get up to, so there's really no point of going on," said James.

"I can tell you what my godparents do!" Albus said. "Uncle Neville was an Auror but then Professor Sprout decided that she was going to retire to the beaches of Majorica to raise a colony of… I honestly don't even remember anymore… but Uncle Neville was offered the job, and now he's the Head of Gryffindor, the Deputy Headmaster, and he's the Herbology teacher. Aunt Hannah – that's Hannah Abbott by the way – was the Landlady at the Leaky Cauldron when her great Uncle Tom died, but she's now the Matron of the Hogwarts Infirmary."

Neville and Hannah both blushed.

Snape was almost shocked – Herbology and Potions often went hand in hand. How was Neville Longbottom, who had melted thirty-four cauldrons (and only ten of his own) in his time so far at Hogwarts able to pass Herbology with flying colors but fail at Potions? Then again, his stellar personality (note the sarcasm) probably had an effect on that.

Madam Pomfrey smiled. Hannah Abbott (or should she say Longbottom?) was gifted in healing. She would make the perfect replacement for her.

"I would tell about my godparents but I'm not going to take that away from Lorcan and Lysander." Lily said.

"Lily Luna Potter,"

"- you have to be –"

"- the best god-sister –"

"- that anyone could-"

"- ever ask for." Lorcan and Lysander finished.

"Aww…" Lily said, hugging the two nine year olds.

"Our Mum and Dad have the same job. They're magizoologists!" said Lorcan.

"Yeah, Mum's found a Crumple-Horned Snorkack!" Lysander continued. "Not to mention the Nargles!"

The Hogwarts populace didn't even want to know. Luna on the other hand clapped her hands with joy. "I knew the Crumple-Horned Snorkack was real! Daddy will be so pleased!"

"As for my parents, my mother was more of a stay at home type of mother and my father is the Head of the Department of International Cooperation." Scorpius said. "But that's about it."

"Why is the time turner glowing?" James questioned.

And with that, they all disappeared and found themselves back where they were previously – the drawing room of Grimmauld Place, surrounded by trunks and being hollered at by Ginny Potter, aided by Angelina and Audrey Weasley.

"Masters James and Albus, Young Mistress Lily," Kreacher said, opening the door. "Mistress Ginny is quite angry. She says the train will leave in thirty minutes. Kreacher wishes you the best of luck against her wrath." And then the old house-elf apparated out of sight.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, 1995, Dumbledore sighed and wiped the memories of all present. It was good to know that Harry would have children of his own – and name a child after him (he was touched by the gesture), but it wouldn't do to have everyone in the hall whispering about their futures. So it would be best if they just… didn't remember.

He was intrigued by that time turner however.

Why, if he had that…

No. He couldn't be trusted with that kind of power.

But then again, was what he was doing all that better? Manipulating Severus, purposely placing Harry with his Aunt and Uncle – knowing of Vernon's hatred and Petunia's bitterness towards magic – despite Lily's adamancy in her will that Harry would go to one of three people: his godfather Sirius, his godmother Alice, or his pseudo Uncle Remus. Or what about how he had continuously put in suggestions to Percy Weasley (without his knowledge) about being loyal to the Ministry rather than his family?

And then last year, with Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour! Dosing Ginny with a love potion – mild of course – so she'd only have eyes for Harry?

At least he knew that he died – that he was sure of. Bill and Fleur seemed to really like each other – enough to have three children together, and it seemed like Percy finally got the stick that Albus had – what do they say again – 'shoved up his rear' out and was back with his family. And then it seemed as if those love potions had finally worn off to where Ginny and Harry could genuinely like and care for each other – not as the older brother's best friend or the best friend's little sister, but as boyfriend and girlfriend.

That was at least one good thing… perhaps.

Was he really all that different from Voldemort? Manipulative and cunning… how had he gone into the house of the Courageous when he was really nothing more than an ambitious Snake?

Chapter Text

"It is my honor to be your new Headmistress!" Dolores Jane Umbridge said on the first day of September. "I was appointed last minute of course, but I'm delighted to return after my term as both Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor and my brief stint as Headmistress. I can assure you, however, this position is permanent."

"Great," Neville muttered. "We'll be her slaves again."

Umbridge continued to speak, but Neville's words had sparked Hermione's interest.

She smirked and started to sing:

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Other muggleborns quickly understood. They were all fans of both the book and of the musicals.

Justin Finch-Fletchley began to sing.

Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Beyond the barricade

Is there a world you long to see?

Hermione and Justin jumped on the tables and shockingly enough, Luna Lovegood hopped up onto the table and sang.

Then join in the fight

That will give you the right to be free!

At that point, the muggleborns in each house (including the Slytherin ones: you know they exist) sang, with some other joining in.

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

Then, amazingly, Snape joined in.

Will you give all you can give

So that our banner may advance

Some will fall and some will live

Will you stand up and take your chance?

The blood of the martyrs

Will water the meadows of France!

Every teacher, student, and even house elf joined in for the last part of the song.

Do you hear the people sing?

Singing a song of angry men?

It is the music of a people

Who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart

Echoes the beating of the drums

There is a life about to start

When tomorrow comes!

They ended and some people were clapped for their part in singing. Hermione was awarded 500 points for starting it. You see, she's really good at starting flash mobs.

"Well wasn't that just lovely?" Umbridge smiled cruelly. "How about detention for Ms Granger, Ms. Lovegood, and Mr. Finch-Fletchley? And Mr. Potter as well."

Harry threw his hands up in anguish. "What did I do this time?"

"Everything," muttered Umbridge.

"Screw it," Harry sighed. And then he transfigured Umbridge into a toad.

And everyone cheered.

Chapter Text

Draco hadn't meant to overhear it.

He had wandered the manor late at night before – twelve years and he still hadn't discovered every nook and cranny and half the rooms were unused anyways – but that time he had wanted a cup of tea. Looking back, he wasn't sure why exactly he had a craving for tea at two in the morning but he could honestly state that he was glad he did.

Nevertheless, one cup of tea later and Draco was creeping back upstairs when he passed his father's study, the light on, and he heard voices within. His father often had guests, but not in the dead of night.

"You see, Dolohov, my plan is very simple. I'll slip that Weasley quim the diary in one of those ratty books her parents will get her. After that, it's simply child's play. She'll write in the diary and the Chamber will be opened." His father was saying.

"And the Baskilk? I mean honestly, how can we be sure it won't harm the pureblood population?" Dolohov responded. "Surely, you wouldn't risk it if Draco would be harmed?"

"Of course I wouldn't! He's my progeny – my heir! I've been assured from my numerous sources that the Baskilk will only attack the mudbloods." His father responded.

Draco narrowed his eyes. A Baskilk? He remembered reading about them in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (He couldn't help it – it was so interesting!)

He decided to leave before he got caught. It wouldn't do for him to be punished for overhearing a conversation between his father and his associates (no matter how twisted that associate is).

"I'm so sorry Mr. Flourish. I accidentally ripped a page in this book. I'll pay for it." Draco said after his father had done the deed of slipping the diary into the Weaselette's books.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy. I'm sure it was just an honest mistake. You can make it up to me by clearing out the stockroom." Mr. Flourish, the elderly wizard who owned Flourish and Blotts. His partner, Mr. Blotts had died three years previously (Draco was convinced that Flourish and Blotts were gay and their wives were lesbians, but he sadly had no proof other than the stares he noticed between the two when he was younger).

Draco had the stockroom cleared in no time flat. As soon as he was done he looked at the page he had torn out.

It wasn't until about six months later when he finally managed to pass the paper off to the Resident Bookworm of Gryffindor. He had been in the Library and noticed that she was studying furiously stacks and stacks of books – magical creatures.

She's on the right track but she won't find any hard evidence. I had to take this from an old book that would likely be in the restricted section – which Granger won't have access too. She might figure it out with Fantastic Beasts, but that's more of a 'How To Not Get Caught With A Baskilk'.

Walking by, he ran himself into her chair, dropping the paper.

"Oh, sorry – wait, what are you doing here Malfoy?"

No matter how much he wanted to respond, he refrained from doing so. She sat back down before she noticed the balled up paper.

There was a slight gasp before she hurriedly scribbled something on it and then raced out of the library, not even cleaning her station, which earned her a short exasperated sigh from Madam Pince, who sorted out the station.

Chapter Text

It was never meant to happen.

That means that it did happen, but nobody had planned it. It ended up being one of those things that everyone loved anyways.

Oh – everyone but Umbridge.

It started with the latest decree.

Educational Decree #284928

Students are not to sing, dance, or talk in the hallway.

Prosecutors will be punished with detention.

Apparently she didn't enjoy the entire student body singing the Gummy Bear song for ten hours straight through every lesson. They didn't even stop during breakfast, lunch, or dinner. They sang as they choked down every meal.

Ron Weasley was amazing at that.

Anyways, they were now going to be punished for something that the rest of the teachers enjoyed (because they had used deafening spells after the first twenty minutes). And the student body couldn't stand for it.

So they began to sing a song even more catchy than "The Song that Never Ends".

Since they couldn't sing/dance/talk in the hallway, they decided to do it at meal times.

"Everything is awesome, everything is cool when your part of a team! Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream!" began Hermione (because she had a knack for this kind of stuff).

"Everything is better when we stick together. Some have said you and I are gonna win forever? Let's party forever! We're the same unlike you, you're like me we're all working in harmony!" continued Harry.

Ron joined in next. "Everything is awesome, everything is cool when your part of a team! Everything is awesome, when you're living out a dream!"

Luna, Ginny and Neville then started rapping, the rest of the school joining in. "Woo! 3, 2, 1, go! Have you heard the news? Everyone's talkin', Life is good 'cause everything awesome!"

A minute later, they finished the song which ended with Umbridge storming out of the hall in anger. Meanwhile, Dumbledore was awarding points to each of the houses for inane reasons like "Eating mashed potatoes while singing." and "For having a positive attitude towards school."

Chapter Text

"In muggle secondary schools, they have a class similar to this one," said Professor Snape one day during 1st year. "It's called Chemistry. Can anyone tell me, other than Miss Granger, what the Periodic Table is?"

Nobody raised their hands for a second, until Harry Potter raised his hand.

"Oh, really Mr. Potter?" Snape said, rolling his eyes. "You couldn't even name a single element."

Harry narrowed his eyes and then took a deep breath and started singing extremely fast and managed to maintain the tempo incredibly.

"There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, and iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, and lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, and gold, protactinium and indium and gallium and thorium and thulium and thallium." Harry sung.

Hermione gasped. "The Elements Song? I've never managed to memorize it completely!"

Just this much of the song was enough to leave Snape dumbfounded and everyone else in awe.

"There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium, and boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium. There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium, and bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium, and phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium and manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium and lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium, palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium, and tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, and cadmium, and calcium, and chromium and curium."

"That's enough showing off, Potter." sneered Malfoy.

"There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium, and also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, and argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium, and chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium." finished Harry. "That's the periodic table: a collection of all the elements, sorted by their atomic number, and there might be many more but the news hasn't come to Harvard."

"Harry! That was beautiful!" Hermione cried. "Even I haven't managed to memorize that song. It moves too fast for me…"

"It's really easy." Harry shrugged. "Lots and lots of repetition and speed."