“I have anxiety and get uptight about a lot of stuff. Sometimes I just want Deadpool to tell me to chill the fuck out, shotgun marijuana smoke into my mouth and then eat me out until I can’t think."
So Peter is an overworked photographer, stark intern, and broke college kid. He gets the shitty money from the bugle and while I do think Stark would pay interns, he'd be broke because he'd probably spend that money between helping his aunt may and rent. and also the heroing thing. Web stuff and suit stuff. (this is au. so we're sticking with holland for reasons... mhm, so his identity was unknown for awhile.) AND OMFG BOOKS. HE'D BE TIGHT ON MONEY BC BOOKS JESUS CHRIST.
OKAY, now for the reason we're going with Tom Hollands Spidey, bc yes, it DEFINITELY works with everyone stil thinking he's a kid. bc holland is 21... like: GUYS. I'M NOT A KID. I CAN DRINK! (Tony: of course you can drink, but is it legal?) And wade is ryan's age which is 40. nope. i don't want my daddy kink. not at all.
and don't forget height difference. i always forget how tall ryan reynold is (reminder he is 6'0 and tom is 5'8)
Anyway, everyone would be like spidey-kid and wanting to adopt him because who wouldn't want to adopt the little dork?
-nat wants to adopt him with the excuse of the spider thing in common
-tony (with bruce) bc of the science. (honestly this whole adoption thing start with tony going: sorry pepper, but meet mine and bruces love child. isn't he cute?)
-clint bc the like climbing things, shooting things, and bad jokes. peter completely disagrees with the last thing. bc he's HILARIOUS. THANK YOU.
But the ones that do adopt him are fog and matty, and it basically has nothing to do with super hero thing, because it's foggy who adopts him. foggy loves him. and he's kinda oh shit when he realizes he adopts a super hero. super kid? BUT HE'S A BABY! I'M NOT A BABY! But they GET the college thing. really. they do. and the broke thing. and peter kinda love 'em for it, you know? (foggy and matty are 29/30)
Anyway foggy likes peter, and they do hang out together. honestly he's the stay at home parent. him and peter will chill even if matt is out patrolling bc sOMEONE COULDN'T WAIT. (matt likes to solo but foggy says he's tearing the family apart *wipes tear*)
This is how it starts. He gets twisted, with the supervison of a dad, because he could never get drunk at high school parties, and the one time he smoked he coughed all through it and didnt feel a thing bc of the spider bite right? so no point. but in college party that mj took him and ned to. and so. like he found out he can get that awesome feeling by getting twisted.
So like. Sweet petey doesn't like breaking the law. BUT HE'S YOUNG. AND MJ AND FOGGY TOTALLY SUPPLY HIM WITH WEED. but he needs supervision bc he's not used to being shitfaced let alone buzzed.
During such a night where foggy is drinking and petey is drinking and smoking (still slightly coughing) he says, breaking from his rant about class to just... deadass, looking at foggy straight in the eyes: I have anxiety and get uptight about a lot of stuff. Sometimes I just want Deadpool to tell me to chill the fuck out, shotgun marijuana smoke into my mouth and then eat me out until I can’t think.
and you know what??? foggy wants his son to get laid. (someone should at least bc he sure ain't (cue mutual pining from the dads)) and he kinda thinks wade is okay. he's definitely in the run for the most angsty at times with his boo, and guess what??
Matt and wade are on the roof when petey pie says this. SO. Matt kinda chokes on his own spit bc he's the dad that doesn't wanna know ANYTHING, MOSTLY BC HE WILL KNOW. HE ALWAYS KNOWS.
They go down. and matty is acting shifty as fuck and deadpool is none the wise bc he sees peter is TRASHED and wow. is he cute not sober. so he kinda has heart eyes. LOL WHO AM I KIDDING HE DOES. THERES NO REASON FOR THE WORD KINDA. SO WHEN peter is kinda sober and it's easy for wade to take him home they leave, and that leaves a still drunk foggy ganging up on matty: WE NEED TO GET OUR SOUN LAID, MATTY!
and matt just sighs. bc really? what can he say, foggy will just do it on his own, while being sad at matt. Matt is completely gone on that man. SIGH. but also wade and peter are kinda, maybe sorta are really good together.
So basically matt doesn't tell him no, while not really actively doing anything on his own. He helps fog with his dropping tons of hints to deadpool.
And the first part of those weeks? Foggy tries the good old fashioned "confession while drunk" but that doesn't work out bc while peter does get clingy to the merc with a mouth he's around, peter also closes his lips. Foggy just whispers (and okay maybe it's not a whisper, but it's a good thing the other two are in their own little world): can't they just kiss? can i like... make them kis? lik. like using the force. you know what, matty? that should be my power. making idiot people kiss. i got us to kiss last week. it worked. we're cool. it took us forever but i got us here. here kiss me. you owe me many kisses bc your man pain couldn't man up and kiss me.
matt: ...really? can we not talk about that right now, please?
meanwhile wade is trying not to cum bc petey is nuzzlING HIS NECK AND WADE IS ALMOST POSITIVE THAT THE KID IS... purring? but that could just be him. shut up yellow.
PLAN A, doesn't work. Now foggy talks up wade to peter; in the "he would totally eat you out if you asked. and keep eating you out! go get it!", and peter up to wade, but more in a sublte; "he likes yous... like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. do stuff!" (but again more subtle bc wade)
them not wanting each other is the problem! especially for wade i mean. but peter sober is pretty much tight lipped on what he wants. and what he wants is a tongue in his ass, making him orgasm. probably cry if how stressed peter is to go by.
matt: can, can you please not?
foggy: what! wade has a charm. don't judge me!
matt: that's, not what i meant. but okay.
foggy: anywho. what now?
so you know who foggy ropes into his schemes? CLINT. bc clint would help. but bc he's clint he's not subtlte at all and peter is a gazelle. (and while foggy does't need to be subtle with peter bc he's his dad. they have a bond.) so petey kinda gets more tight lipped. and even if wade can be blunt with wade, he's still wade.
they bolt for different reasons.
Peter doesn't think he need nobody and doesn't want to ask for help, and is kinda in denial about feelings bc FEELINGS? no thanks i'm poor. I can't afford those.
Wade is a ball of self explainatory insecurity. icky skin, bad guy, petey is a pure kid (Peter: I'M NOT A KID I'M 21!!) and he is precious. with a really nice ass. like really, have you seen that ass?
so now we got a sulky peter parker who blushes whenever wade is around bc OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT TO FOGGY AND HE TOLD CLINT. OMG MATT! !!! THAT'S WHY MATT WAS SO. UGH. DOES WADE KNOW? NO. no he can't, bc wade is being wade. but clint said something to wade. someone please kill me? i know i say that a lot. but really. someone hit me with a car.
while WADE is like nah. but bolts outta the city and probably dies at least once. and he's in the full blown denial that he's all good. mostly. he glares at clint because his lil spidey is acting weird. (but those moments of him blushing are really really really good moments for the spank bank... he might also have feelings but whatever. not important)
OHMY FUCKING GOD.
WHISPERS: WAT HAPPENS IF THOR VISITED AND BROUGHT HIS GODLY LIQURE?? what would that dOOOOO. WOULD PETER SPILL HIS LITTLE FANTASY OUTLOUD TO ANYONE AND NOT JUST DAD #1? WOULD WADE BE THERE?
what happens. hmmmm. idk we can go back to that. anywho. thor would be impressed that 'lil warrior spider lasted longer than stucky on it.
those damn spiders man. those spiders. (i really hate spiders)
(and i'm getting off track. but. spiders. can scarlet witch heal my fear of spiders? wait. no. tony. tony is afraid of spiders, which people use as a con against him being petey's dad)
Oh, okay so maybe Peter does say it, but he says it when wade is gone (ie out on a job?. late to party? beiing an angster killing himself?)
now EVERYONE KNOWS PETER WANTS TO COME ON THAT MOUTH except wade which would help everyone because woW DID THEY NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT
tony is crying somewhere bc precious peter parker knows about the birds and the bees.
so. so has this become instead of foggy just playing matchmaker? but now the entire team and then some? because peter sounded sad. and kinda pathetic, and sad. and peter should be happy dammit. and they all know. everyone knows. that wade would bang that ass if he actually thought he could and so. i don't know.
everything would get more and more ridiculous until they finally do get together but its because peter gets twisted again and actually tells him.
WADES FACE. HIS FACE Y'ALL. WOULD BE OF PURE AWE AND JOY AND HE'D GASP. and you know. peter would see this and start taking off clothes because: huh. i guess foggy was right.
BUT wade would stop him and go woooooah there. you smell like a distillery and there is smoke around the room.
(though that's probably because of poor ventilation) but even if peter is not sober he still does have super strength and he gets naked bc he wants to dammit and wants maube a kiss?
but nothing happens except half naked cuddles (as in webhead does indeed get naked, while peter is fully clothed) with them facing eachother bc now peter is not only clingy he's turned into a octopus because deadpool says no, not until you're sober and not wasted as fuck, or you know we start out the same and shotgun the joints he has at his place WHICH BAD IDEA, BAD IDEA BAD IDEA He thinks because he felt it move. and he don't mean his gun. mostly because he don't have his gun right now. nor is he talking about his other gun *wink wink* but um. peter sure likes the idea. and so he uses his mucsle and he spoons his little spider while talking aloud of boner killers.peter wakes up and says: kinda hate you-cue wade panicking-not sure if i'll ever have a boner again with everything you said last night.
BUT YOU KNOW HE DOES.
AND PETER COMES JUST FROM WADE EATING HIS ASS BC A; THAT MOUTH. B; THAT MOUTH. C; HE REALLY LOVES GETTING HIS ASS EATEN. D;HE REALLY NEEDED IT. E;WADE. (guess that makes a and b too...) F;HE KNOWS HE'S GETTING THE D LATER!
so. i think they would whole up at peter's for awhile and you know, foggy being the good dad that he is makes his other avocado half get the red suit on and check on them at some point. and well.
CUE AWKWARD MATTHEW MURDOCK. rotfl.
he goes home and tells fog, who proclaims: THIS CALLS FOR THE GOOD STUFF! Matthew. We need to go get the good stuff.
and they do.
and spideypool isn't the only one getting some. YOU KNOW~~
And maybe everyone is clueless for awhile except the avacodos at law and they'd still be trying to get them together and when they do find out I think maybe instead of foggy it would be matt. softly crowing after a battle: ha! we are better parents then you.
and when foggy hears the story second hand from someone who was there he'd get a goofy look and be super sappy.
and wade would tell peter: i hope we're that in love when we're old
peter: you *are old*
wade being wade while totally wooing petey: yeah, i know, thanks i didn't know. but THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED LONGER PETEY PIE.
foggy nelson and matthew murdock are not actually married at this time and point. but well. foggy hears deadpool and this is basically how he proposes to matt (mind you, not for the first time). across the room, filled with super people and maybe a 'lil more tipsy than not. and matt just says calmly, if a little pink: ask me tomorrow.
case in point foggy has never asked in the morning, except he really does this time so wooooo wedding.
will PETER BE THE RING BOY?
SHUT UP WADE.
AW COME ONE
and so that's how wade eats peter's nicely shaped ass