Thanks for stopping by!
So, this is something else. I started writing this yesterday and I finished the whole thing just now. First Person/POV fanfics are different, I'm aware, but I wanted to try it and see what it's like to write one. And trust me – it's a really intense experience. I'm still overwhelmed by all these emotions.
I hope you like it.
As always, feel free to leave kudos and comments and discuss this fanfiction or other things with me on instagram.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
March 7, 2016
today it's been three years since you left me. Three years of loneliness, three years of aimlessly walking through the construct I once called life, three years of surviving.
Anya has always been there for me, all these years. She eventually convinced me to talk to someone, a 'professional'. Her name is Indra, and I've been seeing her for a year now. She suggested to write some sort of a diary, letters to you.
So, that's what I'm doing now. I'm still not sure what to think of it, it won't bring you back. I'll be writing letters to you, and you will never read them.
There's so much that's been left unsaid between us, so much we'll never get the chance to talk about. So much we'll never get to experience together.
I actually don't know what to say here. Do you remember that meme with the dog in front of a computer like "I have no idea what I'm doing"? Yeah, that's me right now. I guess I just have to get used to talking to empty pages. I've never written a diary of some sorts before, so bear with me. You know that I've never been much of a talker, it was always you who knew what to say. I wish you were here with me. You would make me tea, kiss my cheek and tell me not to worry. You'd say there's no right or wrong way of expressing my thoughts, as long as they're honest, it's perfect.
You always made me feel better, you always knew what I was thinking, and what I was feeling. With a simple look, you knew.
It feels so surreal that I'm telling you all these things, because you already know them.
I'm really not sure about this. I'll have to talk to Indra about it again, I'm seeing her tomorrow.
Wherever you are, I hope you're okay. Maybe you're standing right next to me in this very moment, looking over my shoulder, reading this letter. Maybe you're with my mom, sitting on the porch of the beach house where we spent our first summer together, looking at the calm blue ocean.
I miss you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. This is a new experience for me. Would you like to read more? :)
March 8, 2016
I've talked to Indra. She told me to just try out different things. So today I'll just tell you about my day.
I woke up before the alarm This is stupid. I was late for work again, although I woke up long before the alarm, but then Anya called. Apparently there's a girl that Aden likes, so he hurried on his way to school and broke his ankle. Kids. Anyway, she asked me to stop by at the hospital soon. I'm thinking about giving him a book, but I don't even know what twelve year old boys read. Do they read at all? Maybe I should give him something more… electronic. What do kids nowadays like? He's my god son and I have no idea what he likes. I feel like shit. I feel like I disappointed him. I guess I'll just go and see him, and then ask him what he likes. Straight forward.
See, this is just another thing you were perfect at. You always knew what was going on in everybody's life, you never missed a birthday or a school event. Hell, you even stayed in contact with your elementary school friends. I loved this about you.
Back to topic… so, I was late for work and Titus almost got a heart attack when I told him that life does in fact go on, even when things don't go as he had them planned. I don't think he appreciated my sassiness. Well, screw him. I don't even know why I'm still working with him. He's so… you know how he can be.
Then lunch break. I ate a salad. God, that's so spectacular. I really suck at this.
At least I ate something. I lost 25 pounds after you
pas moved on from this world to start a new chapter. Anya regularly lost her mind and patience with me, and I still feel sorry. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't the only one whom you had left. I know this now, and I'm glad Anya was so understanding, just like you. Guess that runs in the family.
Okay. After lunch break was over, I went back to work. There's this new café next to our park that just opened, and I offered them to take promotional photos, and they agreed. So, that's what happened this afternoon, before I went to see Indra. Nothing exciting happened there. I cried a lot, I rambled a lot, and cried some more. Please remind me to buy her a new box of tissues soon. Or is this tax–deductible for therapists? Do you think they have sponsors? “Hi, nice to meet you, I'm a tissue box sponsor.”
Cos, I'm being weird again. You know that happens when I'm tired. And I'm tired as hell. It's almost eleven now, so I guess I'll hit the pillow. Yeah. I'm doing that now. I don't know what else to tell you.
I miss you.
PS: Do you think I should bring a board game when I visit Aden? Do twelve year old boys still play board games?
Had to delete the third chapter because I accidentally uploaded the fourth. Whoops.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
March 9, 2016
What the hell is wrong with me today? I almost missed my train, then I realized I forgot the tripod that I took home the other day so I could clean it, and I really needed it today. So I went back home, got the damn thing and hurried back to work, only to realize that I forgot my keys in the apartment. Great.
Well, I sent a text to Anya, begging her to somehow bring me the spare key because I had no fucking time at all (two incredibly important meetings with potential clients), but she's out of town. Double great.
So I had to call the lockout services, bye bye 50 Dollars. I had saved them to buy Aden this really cool loop pedal he had been gushing about for like six months now. But then I was home, finally. And then – as if this day hadn't been stressful enough already – Gustus called and asked me to babysit Tris because he had this super important date with this super amazing woman. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your dad, and Tris, but he's her grandpa. It's his fucking job to take care of her, not mine. I'm just
the girlfriend of her aunt a friend of her mom. I sound like a bitch, don't I? I enjoyed the evening with the little one though, I really did!
She's grown so much, Cos, I wish you could see her. She's eight now, and she's crazy about pirates. And she decided to let her hair grow, so now Anya has to braid them like mine everyday. (You know, the way you did for me for special occasions.) The most complicated patterns. I'm sure Anya is delighted to wake up an hour earlier everyday to play hair dresser for her daughter. I'm surprised she hasn't had a mental breakdown yet. It looks cool on Tris though.
Well. And then I finally, eventually, could go home for good today. What a day. God I could use a bath.
Hey, I just remembered that weekend with your family in DC. You really really wanted that huge teddy bear from the water shooting stand and begged Gustus to get it for you, and he kept saying that since he was a pacifist, shooting guns strictly went against his beliefs, so Anya was like “Gimme that stupid gun already” and she got you that giant ass bear. You beamed and your eyes sparkled so brightly that I was afraid I might go blind. And then you forgot that thing at the train station.
You were so sad, and you don't know this, but a few weeks later, I drove back to DC and shot you another one at this stand. (Sorry about the inkstains here, I'm crying like an idiot) I never got to give it to you because
you of what happened. Well. Now it's sitting next to Tris's bed, I hope you don't mind.
Tomorrow I'm visiting Aden. He already sent me a bunch of photos of his cast. Looks like all the “nice nurses” signed it. I hope he doesn't develop a weird – oh God he's twelve. No way in hell should adults think like this about innocent kids. Then again… he's twelve. I sure remember what I was like at that age.
I was just about to say I'll tell him you say Hi, but… I guess I'm getting a little too used to talking to you. Sometimes it feels like you're here. God, Cos… I wish you were here, I wish you could go with me tomorrow, I'm still not too fond of hospitals. You'd just take my hand and squeeze it encouragingly, or you would kiss my cheek. It would be so much easier.
Okay, I'm really tired now. I'll write you again tomorrow, I promise.
I miss you.
I was wondering if anyone actually reads this, at all. If you do, feel free to leave kudos to show me I'm not updating this story for nothing ;)
Or post a comment, even better! Tell me what you think! :)
(You can leave kudos and comments, even if you don't have an ao3 account :) )
March 10, 2016
I just got back home from the hospital. Remember when I taught Aden how to play chess when he was like four and he swore that one day he'd beat me? … yeah … today was that day. I'm really proud of him, but I can't deny that this slightly offended my pride. I'm just kidding.
And yes, he made me sign his cast. Now I'm immortalized between all those sexy nurses. At least until it comes off. Immortalized for two weeks. I'll add this to my list of the things to be proud of.
Anyway, he asked me to help him with his math homework. I'm sure I never looked so dumbfounded before. It's been ten years since High School, I highly doubt I can solve an equation with double digits. Especially not without a calculator. But who am I to deny this heavenly creature a request. (And by heavenly creature I mean horny teenager)
Yes, you heard me right. I saw how he looked at that one nurse. I mean she's pretty, no doubt. I think her name is Octavia. On the other hand… there are only two nurses that are younger than 65. Octavia seems nice, but I think she's better with adults.
There's this other one though, Clarke. She's great with kids, Aden adores her. So I'm surprised he's actually crushing on Octavia, especially because I always thought he prefers blondes. I mean if I was in his place, I'd probably be crushing on Clarke. She's that bubbly type of person. She smiled the whole time, except for one moment where Aden told her about his “girlfriend”.
You should've been there. Instead of making fun of him (being a twelve year old and all) she sat down next to him and listened, really listened, and took him absolutely serious. Very beautiful to watch. It's nice to know there are still people in this world who give kids the feeling that they matter, that their opinions and feelings matter.
Oh. I accidentally poured my coffee over her. So embarrassing. She assured me that it was no problem but I still feel terrible about it.
Aden just sent me a selfie of him and “his girls”. He's such a player. Octavia looks really unimpressed, she's raising an eyebrow. Aden's sticking his tongue out. Lucky bastard. Clarke is laughing wholeheartedly. She has one of those rare smiles that reaches the eyes. She reminds me of you in a way. A positive spirit, full of love for everyone.
I promised Aden to stop by tomorrow again. Math homework, you know? Guess I'll be having the time of my life.
And I spoke to Anya earlier, she says Hi. She thinks it's a good idea to write this diary. Or these letters. Whatever it is. Maybe you'll hear from her, too.
Okay Cos, bedtime now. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. And say Hi to my mom when you see her.
I miss you.
So… Lexa met Clarke. :)
March 11, 2016
I'm still at the hospital. There were complications with some of Aden's medicine, he's not feeling well, and Anya is working a nightshift and Gustus is watching Tris, so I promised her to stay here.
He's throwing up a lot (stop grimacing! Do I have to remind you of all the times I held your hair after a good party? Crybaby.) and he's having a fever. Hope he gets better soon.
The “His girls” are taking good care of him though, and Clarke switched shifts with someone else so she can stay here, too. I bet he's her favorite. I know I know, nurses aren't really allowed to have favorites, but she's spending a suspiciously huge amount of time in his room.
Work went well, I got up extra early this morning to take some Brooklyn Bridge sunrise photos. New York is so beautiful at this time of the day.
Damn, this is a really short entry, I'm sorry. Clarke just called me, Aden is awake.
I'll write more later if I get the chance, I promise.
I miss you.
March 11, 2016
Okay I'm back. He's asleep again, so I guess I'm off the hook for today, no math homework, thank God. I'll watch some tutorials on YouTube tomorrow. I have a bed here now, Clarke said if someone asks, I should just say I accidentally fell asleep. Let's see how believable this white lie is when someone sees the bedclothes and my incredibly sexy pajamas (Octavia's boyfriend's old sweatpants and Clarke's university hoodie. I look like I'm wearing a tent).
It also helps that she gave me a toothbrush. Really looks like I accidentally fell asleep.
Tomorrow is my day off, so I guess I'll be staying here until Anya gets back. Gustus and Tris both have a cold now. And here I am, losing my faith. I always thought your family had some kind of a supernatural immune system. Naïve me.
So Clarke and I had dinner together just now, she's really nice. She's 26, a year younger than me. Her mom is a doctor and it's because of her that she became a nurse. She'd love to be an artist though, she even showed me some of her work. She's extremely talented. I wish she could just follow her dreams. There was a drawing I immediately recognized, it's our bench at the park.
I teared up a bit but didn't tell her why, and she didn't ask. She didn't really do anything about it, at all. She just continued to show me her drawings and told me little stories about them, and somehow it calmed me down.
She's been so kind and careful the entire time, and not in the pity kind of way. I think that's just how she is. I feel like I should give her something in return. Maybe I should invite her for a coffee? Or, I don't know… I could go and take some photos of her favorite places? What do you think?
I'm really tired but I don't think I'll be able to sleep yet. There's a lot going on in my head right now, I'm having one of these… days. You know, when I become all quiet and get a little lost in my thoughts. You always prepared a bubble bath for us at the end of the day, and told me random things about your day. And you always kissed the tip of my nose before we fell asleep.
I miss this. You have no idea how much I miss all these small things, how much I miss you.
Oh boy. Lexa is so oblivious.
March 12, 2016
I've never drunk such a huge amount of bad coffee in such a short amount of time. I swear, this has nothing to do with coffee, it's just some barely colored water. The nurses agreed, so I went to get real coffee for them all. Clarke went with me so I didn't have to carry ten cups on my own. That was nice of her.
We talked a bit about how we ended up in New York. She said she moved here because she wanted to try her luck as an artist, but then her father died a few months later, and she could no longer break her mom's heart, and eventually she gave in and followed her mom's dream for her. I told her that for me, it was because of Anya, being my best friend, and then of course because of you, because I fell in love with you so quickly. I told her about us, and I told her about you. I told her she reminds me of you.
You would like her, Cos.
She went home but Octavia is here now. I bet Aden will be all well in record time now. She's better with kids than I initially thought, she even played a card game with him. I was there when she explained it, and after two rounds, he mastered it like a boss, while I was sitting there, trying to remember its name.
I'm getting old. I'll be one of those old confused ladies we used to
make fun of find so incredibly adorable. You know, these old ladies that just find everything lovely, although they really have no clue what's even going on.
… I might as well end up being a grumpy bitch. I'm not sure yet.
It's almost lunch time. Perhaps I'll go home after that, to get some proper sleep. Last night has really been anything but restful for me. I kept having nightmares (told you I'm not excited about hospitals) and then I ended up sitting in the staffroom with Clarke (and I quote: “if someone asks, you confused the doors” … Again, I wonder how believable it would have looked if someone had found us there, hanging around on the couch, coffee cups in our hands. Definitely looked like I just confused the doors. She'll lose her job one of these days.)
Anyway. I think going home might be a good idea. Bubble bath sounds like a great idea, too. I'll write you later today, or tomorrow, depending on whether it's just a nap or a full night sleep.
Okay. Lunch is ready, I have to go.
I miss you.
PS: Lunch is over and Clarke gave me her phone number, in case something happens with Aden and stuff. If I didn't know better, I would say it's not only about Aden, but I really don't know. She seems to be the kind of person that takes her job really seriously and just wants to help. What do you think?
March 13, 2016
I've been thinking. It's really not cool that I keep working my ass off here, trying to come up with literary masterpieces about my days, while you're just chilling there, letting me entertain you. How about you do some work here, too?
Sorry, I'm in a silly mood today. I came home around 3pm yesterday and I actually slept all through the night. It's Sunday today, another day off for me. I'll meet Anya at the hospital later.
Gus and Tris are still sick, bet they stayed outside for too long because she wanted to show him her newest pirate saber (which is usually a stick) and he just couldn't say No.
Aden is getting better, the doctors are giving him different meds now, and his body seems to tolerate them, thank God.
I actually have to hurry now, I promised “The Girls” to bring them coffee, but I wanted to wish you a good morning first. Or, night. In case you're in Australia right now. Who knows?
I miss you.
March 13, 2016
It's me again. Getting tired of my rambling yet? Well too bad, you're stuck with me now, better get used to it. Anya says Hi. Gustus says Hi, too. Anya apparently told him, and he thinks it's a beautiful idea. He actually told me to tell you you left the dirty dishes in the sink. He's not mad at you though, don't worry.
Hey have you met my mom recently? Her birthday is coming up and I was wondering what she would prefer, me visiting her or would she rather hang out with her parents? I'm being silly again. Of course I'm visiting her. I found this cute flower shop the other day, I think she'll like the tulips they have there.
So. Anya and I had a nice conversation in the hospital earlier. We haven't talked a lot recently, she is super busy at her job. But she met someone, I think she like likes (whoa!) her. She's a mechanic, 32, grew up in Boston,
then moved to See? I already know everything about her, and they haven't even had a second date yet. Yeah, Anya really likes her. I'm glad though, she deserves to be happy, especially because this piece of shit of her ex has been a bitch lately (even more than usual). She hasn't told me a lot but it's mostly about money. If this rat doesn't leave her alone soon, I might break some jaws, so help me God!
Oh, Aden told us more about his girlfriend, too. He kept blushing when Anya teased him. I bet it was because Octavia was in the room as well.
What a wimp. Poor little guy.
Speaking of Octavia. I really didn't mean to eavesdrop but they weren't exactly subtle, so I overheard something when I walked past the nurses' room. Seems like there is someone Clarke
lo likes, but she sounded extremely anxious. Octavia told her to listen to her heart and just give it a try.
I really hope that this person knows how lucky they are. More than that, I hope that this person is a good person, you know? Clarke deserves happiness, especially after what happened with her dad. She also mentioned a nasty break up. Yeah… I really hope this person is good enough for her.
Enough of my rambling. How was your day? Hope you're okay, wherever you are.
I miss you.
As always, feel free to leave comments and kudos! :) I love this story a lot actually, I've put a huge amount of love and effort into this, so I'd love to hear what you think :)
March 14, 2016
I really didn't mean to squeeze you in like that, but today is incredibly busy. I had a meeting with this gallery dude, Mr. Wallace, and he's interested in my work. If I'm lucky, I'll have my own small exhibition at the end of the year. I'm really excited. All the hard work would finally pay off, you know? (Also, this would be a splendid opportunity to finally part with Titus. Hey Miss Linguist, do people still stay “splendid”?)
Do you remember that vacation in Canada where we thought it would be a great idea to canoe? We were in the middle of this giant ass lake when the weather decided it would be fun to send us this terrifying thunderstorm. Oh, and there was hail as well. So we were sitting there in our canoe, in shorts and tank tops, freezing our asses off. (I'm swearing so much today. Sorry! I know how much you hated that. Well, not hated, but you always shut me up. Usually with a kiss. I really didn't mind that way of shutting me up, at all). We warmed up in our small cabin. It's one of my favorite memories.
Well, that was random. But I think this whole diary letter thing wasn't such a bad idea after all. I've been replaying a lot of happy memories in my head lately, and things like the canoe disaster randomly pop up in my mind.
How's your day going so far? Do you even have the day/night concept over there? Or are you guys more like vampires, not sleeping at all? Oh God how horrible. I remember how much you loved to sleep. Sleepyhead. I used to call you that when we got together, remember? For some reason I stopped calling you that after a while, maybe because it was soon replaced with “babe” and “oh God” – okay, that was inappropriate. I'm not sorry though.
I kind of lost track of time here. I have to go soon. The doctors said Aden can go home tomorrow morning, so I'm staying for the night (I'll “accidentally fall asleep”) and then take him to Gustus' tomorrow. I can already see him catch that cold, too. Oh well, I'll let Anya deal with them. They're her family after all. Okay no, they're my family as well. I'll probably end up playing nurse.
Speaking of nurse, I really have to go now. I'll write you later when I get the time.
I miss you.
PS: I probably won't write you later, I'm sorry. I just arrived at the hospital and apparently, they're having a movie night with the patients, I'll join them. What's better than watching 'Legally Blonde' with a bunch of hormonally confused teenage boys? I mean… what do you think will be worse, them complaining about how girly that movie is, or them gushing over well–shaped women? Oh God, Cos, please save me.
March 15, 2016
I have Clarke yesterday The movie night went differently than expected. I really don't know what to feel think. Aden and I went to the dayroom but Aden wanted to sit with the “cool kids”, so he went to the front rows and I chose a seat in the back, ready to beg Anya to send out rescue teams, in case things got out of hand.
And then Clarke and Octavia sat down next to me (Clarke next to me, Octavia next to her), and we whined a bit about our shared misery. Octavia explained that it's the favorite movie of one of the nurses, and since it was her last movie night before she retired, they wanted to surprise her. I guess that's an acceptable reason.
Anyway. It was about 30 minutes into the movie (I had forgotten how horrible it is. Oh the art of suppression), when Clarke moved closer and laid her head on my shoulder. Okay. I let her. Her breathing evened out and, if I'm not completely mistaken, she fell asleep (she was snoring. really lightly though.
didn't know people can sound so c). I was close to dozing off as well when she stopped snoring and slightly shifted and suddenly, her hand reached out and grabbed mine. I'm not sure whether she was still asleep and it was all unconsciously, or if she was awake. I don't know.
So… I'm really confused. Mainly because
she it didn't feel… wrong. You know? God, I don't know what to think. I really liked holding her hand. In that moment.
Now, all I can think about is you and that
it feels like I'm cheat I should have stopped it. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now. Should I approach this topic tomorrow? Or now? She's in the nurses' room I think. I mean it might be extremely awkward if it was really just some unconscious thing… “Hey Clarke, you took my hand. Was that on purpose? Would you like to do it again? Do you remember it at all?”
I don't know what to do. She's really
bea nice, she's one of the good guys. I won't deny that she's pretty and that she has a beautiful character. And maybe, my heart rate slightly picks up on speed when I see her. Maybe I'll talk to Anya about this. Or Indra. I'm seeing her on Wednesday. Yes, that might be a good idea.
Okay… that's all I can tell you right now. I'll try to figure out what's going on in my head right now. Just know that I'm also thinking about you, of course. You're so important to me. I hope you know that.
Good night. I miss you.
PS: I sound like an anxious teenager. I'm sorry. There's no need to beat around the bush. I'm confused because I like Clarke, and maybe she likes me back. And I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't want to disappoint you. I can't lose you, not again. Not because of something like this. I wish there was a way
for you to for me to know what you would think about this. It doesn't feel right that holding her hand felt right. I'm confused.
Poor confused little muffin.
March 17, 2016
I'm sorry that I didn't write you yesterday. I originally just wanted to drop Aden off and check whether they need anything, but I ended up staying for lunch and when I got home, I didn't feel like writing; I had to clear my head first.
So I ended up sitting at the docks for hours. There's so much going on right now. The exhibition, two new clients that have surreal expectations, Aden's ankle,
Clarke and Clarke… I still haven't talked to her. And I still feel like I should give her something in return for letting me stay there with Aden etc.
Yesterday was just really dark for me. I've been missing you so much. We always went to the docks together, watching the sunset, or sometimes the sunrise. You would complain, say that you're cold, just so I would put my arm around you and pull you closer so that you could rest your head on my shoulder.
And sometimes, you'd just fall asleep. Sometimes we'd talk about our days, or deep, meaningful things, or just life in general. Sometimes we'd just stay quiet.
I can't believe I'll never be able to watch the sunrise with you again. You always said that these moments gave you hope, watching the sun go up, no matter how dark and stormy the night before was, but the sun would always find its way back. You used to smile at that thought, and I used to smile because of you. You gave me hope. You always gave me hope.
I don't know how to do this without you, Costia. Over the past three years, I've just felt… empty. Numb. I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so lame but you were my light, even during the darkest of days, you always made me feel better. You were always there for me. I can't believe you're gone. It hurts.
I talked to Indra yesterday, I asked her about Clarke. She said the decision is up to me. Great advice, but she's right. She can't tell me what to do. However, she can help me find a way and she's doing a good job.
She asked me what you would say, and my initial thought was that you'd want me to be happy. She also asked me why I feel like if I moved on, I would be cheating on you. I honestly don't know. I mean I do, because we were in such a happy place when you left, the relationship we had was perfect, and all I ever wanted. All we could dream of, and we had it.
It just feels like It's just not fair that I get to experience life, all the ups and downs (more downs, really, but you know what I mean), and you don't.
It's not fair that I get to see the sunrise, and you don't. It's not fair that I'm with all these people that meant so much to both of us, I get to see Aden and Tris grow up, I get to see Anya fall in love, and you don't.
I'm sorry, I don't feel like writing anymore. I guess I'll just go out and find some new things to work with, I kind of lost my photographical creativity over the past few years. Maybe I'll find some things that Clarke would like.
I hope you're okay, and I hope I didn't overwhelm you with these lines. I just had to get some of it out. I don't know if you're reading this, I mean it's highly unlikely… but it is comforting to believe in it.
I miss you.
March 18, 2016
It's Friday again. I don't really have anything planned for the weekend. Gustus invited me over for lunch on Sunday, I think I'll go. They're pretty much fine and well again. Aden didn't get the cold, Tris is coughing a lot but that's a good sign, means the worst part is over.
Anya wants to meet me tonight for dinner, just to catch up a bit, you know?
Clarke sent me a text last night, asking how Aden is. I told her he's fine and excited to go back to school and see his girlfriend. She joked that Octavia is jealous. She also said they already miss him and his jokes. He's a funny guy. We taught him well, Cos. He has your silliness and my sarcasm. He's in the school's soccer team by the way, I think I haven't told you that yet. He's doing really well in school, too. You'd be so proud of him.
Well, and I told Clarke how thankful we all are that they took such good care of him. And you know what? Damn. I totally forgot to tell her I'd like to return the favor. That's really unfortunate. I'm in that weird position now where I'll have to write her again, and it'll look even more like I'm asking her out or something. Awkward.
I found some beautiful photo subjects yesterday. There's this old train wreck, really cool. And I took a photo of an artist sitting in the Central Park. I guess he's around 70 and looks like one of these Parisian painters. Yeah. I took a photo of him and we chatted for a while, he's been all around the world, it seems. I wrote down some things of what he said, I'm thinking about making a small album of photos for Clarke, and add his quotes. He's such an inspirational man, maybe he inspires Clarke as well to draw and paint a bit more again.
What do you think? Do you think she'd like that?
I'm feeling better today. I sat on
our the balcony this morning and watched how the city woke up (I mean… become more awake, since it's the city that never sleeps but I liked the idea. I'm rambling so much, don't mind me)
So I sat there in Clarke's hoodie (remind me to give it back soon!), with a coffee, and watched all those busy people doing their thing. It's incredible and so fascinating that there are 8.5 million people in this city and we're all strangers to each other. We walk past so many individuals and they all have their life and dreams and struggles, yet you know nothing about them, and never will. It's a sad thought, now that I think about it.
But this morning, it was overwhelming, in a good way. Do you remember how we used to sit in subways and created lives for the passengers? This old man who just retired and is on his way to the airport now, ready to move to a Caribbean island? Or the young woman that just decided to quit law school to become a professional baseball player?
God knows who they really were…
I'll leave you to whatever it is that you're doing now, I have to get ready anyway.
I miss you.
March 19, 2016
It's Saturday night, and I'm a bit tipsy. I was out with Anya since she couldn't make it yesterday. We were at this pub down the street from my office. The one where you thought it would be a good idea to down that Tequila bottle.
So, we were there, two beers in, when her girlfriend (I think they're together now!) called. She has a disability, her left leg is paralyzed (or just her lower leg, I don't know). Something about a work accident. Anyway, she called because she was in pain and just wanted to talk but
Anya you know Anya. She jumped up and just waved me Goodbye and left. Great. So I was sitting there all by myself.
I decided to finish my beer and leave, but no. Of course that wouldn't happen. So I was sitting there alone in that bar, staring into my beer like all these depressed people (well okay… not just like them, but as one of them), when some idiot put their hands over my eyes from behind. Great. Funny even. Not annoying at all, just leave me alone already, will you?
Nevermind though, I immediately recognized that raspy voice. So then I was sitting there at the bar, not staring into my beer but staring at Clarke. That sounded creepy. I wasn't staring! I wasn't! I can't help that her eyes (blue. deep and blue like the ocean itself) are so
We talked about her art. She's been drawing and painting since she was a toddler, and her eyes lit up when she said that her dad always encouraged her, even when her mom thought scolding would be better. He was always there for her, always supporting her and her dreams. He sounds like he was a good guy. Maybe you can meet him wherever you are. He's probably climbing a mountain somewhere, since that was his passion. I know, I know, you're afraid of heights, but maybe there aren't fears where you are.
So if you find him, tell him Clarke says Hi.
I don't know what else to tell you, I had a really good time. Clarke is so open minded and funny and she brightens up everyone's life when she enters a room, she's phenomenal. Inspiring. She has been through so much, too, yet she refuses to let anything bad darken her day. She has been in a bad place, so she can relate to what I am feeling, but somehow she found a way to deal with it.
She's special, Costia. It feels weird to be telling you so much about her, but it doesn't feel wrong, if you know what I mean.
Maybe you I like to imagine you're sitting there, reading this with that beautiful smile on your face. That smile you always wore when you were proud of small things. That smile that said 'I'm amused but secretly my heart swells with warmth and joy'. You looked at me like that when I rescued this poor kitten that was sitting in the middle of New York's streets, shaking, and you told me to “not even think about it”, but I was like “fuck it, I have to save that babycat” and fortunately, all went well. Yeah… that's the smile I'm talking about.
I like to imagine you looking at me like this right now, maybe you're happy that I had a good night and that I
found met Clarke, someone who listens to me and doesn't judge me, someone who can relate to my struggles, someone who has found the beauty in life again and is ready to share it.
I wish you could meet her.
I miss you.
March 21, 2016
I know, it's been two days since I wrote you, but I've been so busy that I kept forgetting what year it is or what galaxy I'm in. Lunch with your family was great, Aden's girlfriend was there, too. (I quote Aden: “Stop saying that, it's embarrassing!”)
Her name is Madi and she's in the school's soccer team as well. It's cool to see how different they actually are. Aden is the artist and really good at languages (guess he got that from you) and Madi is interested in science and doesn't even manage to draw a stick figure. They're cute together though. Although they're only twelve, but that's not my business. I'll let Anya handle this. I'm afraid though, as his aunt, I'll have the pleasure of having “The Talk” with him because he usually talks to me about these things. Oh Lord, let's hope this doesn't happen any time soon!
So… today is Monday. It's been two weeks now since I started writing you. And I don't feel weird about it anymore. It has become a part of my life now, and I usually look forward to telling you about my days. It feels nice to believe that you read all these things, and I'm starting to feel really comfortable about it. I'm not thinking anymore about how to write things, I just start and see where it goes.
I took so many photos today, oh God. I'm overly excited to sort and edit them all. Shit. Well, I'll do that tomorrow. It's almost ten now and I'm really tired. But I'm seeing Clarke tomorrow, we're going to that new bar in Downtown, and I want to give her the photo album then. It's quite a lot of work though. I've started to think about which quote goes best with which photo, and it's taking a lot of time but I'm getting there. I really hope she likes it.
Titus quit today. He said he's too old to be spending days after days taking photos that no one will ever look at. Not the nicest thing to say about our profession, but I understand where he's coming from. It can be frustrating from time to time. However, I wouldn't say I'm bothered by his decision, working with him can stress the hell out of people. But it also feels… weird. We've been working together for six years now, and tomorrow, I'll be sitting in our office, all by myself. It's not bad but it will be different. Let's see how that goes.
Anya is doing well, Aden too, Tris as well, just as Gustus. I think things are getting serious with this woman. It's funny, isn't it? That suddenly, we all meet new people. Anya is happy with Raven (that's her girlfriend's name), Aden has Madi and their cuteness is almost tooth rotting. Tris… okay, she's too young. Gustus has someone now and he's joking much more, as you know that's always a sign that he's really happy. And I … I met Clarke.
I hope you're having a good day.
I miss you.
YAY this fanfic reached the 100 kudos mark!! :) *opens champagne*
March 24, 2016
I'm so sorry that I just can't manage to write you everyday. There's so much going on. I met Raven, she's… well. Interesting. She's pretty cool, very sarcastic (yay!), and she just speaks her mind. It's refreshing, but not bad. It will take some time for me to get used to it, but I honestly don't mind it. She's hilarious. And a good match for Anya. They look happy together, I'm glad they found each other.
I finally got to give Clarke her hoodie back, but she told me to keep it, since it's too small for her… I mean, cleavage wise. I sound sexist, but that's just how it is. She has a beautiful cleavage, don't get me wrong. Oh God, I really shouldn't be telling you this!
And I gave her the album. And Costia, she really liked it! She looked quite overwhelmed and said that she can't even remember if anyone ever gave her something like this. She concluded that it had never happened before if she can't even remember.
She loved the quotes, too, and wants to meet that old painter. She kept gushing about how detailed and beautiful the photos are, she loved every single one. It felt weird to have someone look so closely at every piece of your work, but I could tell that she liked it. (I mean… if all these “Oh my God, this is amazing! Oh my God how beautiful! Oh God I love this one!” were any indications.)
She said she wants to show me a place that means a lot to her but didn't say anything else, so I have no clue. Hm. I guess I'll just have to wait.
She'll come over later, I invited her for dinner. I'm thinking of making the lasagna that you loved so much. It's really not that spectacular but, well… it's the only thing I know I won't screw up. And it's the thought that counts, anyway, right? (You have to say “Yes” now because otherwise I'll feel really miserable about making lasagna for
a first date … Okay it's stupid to deny it. It's a date. I'll have a date, Costia. And it feels okay. It feels amazing, to be honest. She's great. Such a beautiful person with such a beautiful soul. I can't believe I got so lucky to meet someone like her her!)
I don't know what to wear. See, you're that poor person now that has to go through this pre–date phase with me. Telling me that I look great in every single outfit I try on, and I'll keep saying that I feel horrible, but that I'm not sure whether it's because of the outfit I'm unhappy about, or because I'm incredibly nervous.
Okay. I'll tell you about my options. I have those black skinny jeans and I could wear that white pocket t–shirt with them? Or should I go for the more casual type and wear a button up? Shit, I'm a helpless case. I can hear you loud and clear, “I prefer you naked”. I can't pull that off with Clarke though. I'm really sorry about what I'm saying today, it's just because I'm utterly anxious. A nervous wreck. I think I'll go for skinny jeans and pocket shirt. Yeah. That's a good choice, isn't it? Or maybe not. Good Lord.
Do you think candles would be a bit too much? I could leave the lights on and just add some candles? I really want candles.
What about make up? Shit. So many things to think about. How the hell did I woo you back then? I can't remember a single time where I thought so much about all these things. Shit. It was you who wooed me, wasn't it?
Okay. I'll have to start cooking and get going now if I want to be somewhat ready when Clarke
comes arrives. I totally meant to say arrives. I'm such a mess.
I miss you.
PS: Oh and Cos? Just… don't watch us. That would be weird. Thanks.
She's such a mushy mess.
March 24, 2016
Um. This is weird. Okay. Hi Costia, I'm Clarke. I think Lexa told you about me (at least she said she did). I just found this book and thought it would be nice to introduce myself, so that you know who Lexa hangs out with.
She doesn't know I'm writing you but she'll find out soon enough. It's not really a secret anyway, she'll see it.
Okay. I'm Clarke, I'm 26 and a nurse. I took care of Aden when he broke his ankle. I might have spent a bit more time than necessary in his room, especially when Lexa was around. She's great but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that.
I hope it's okay for you that we spend so much time together. I think today was a date. I mean I hope it was a date! ;)
Anyway… I grew up in Washington DC and then moved to New York to become an artist, but we all have heard about these losers who do that. It never works out the way it's supposed to. So now I work at a hospital. It's great though, I won't complain. It feels good to help people. It can be stressful and overwhelming though and it's hard to separate this work from your private life. You never just flip a switch when you're home, you keep thinking about patients. I don't understand how my mom (surgeon) does it.
I don't want to talk about my mom though. I don't want to talk about my family at all. I actually want to talk about Lexa. I like her. She's so different from the people I usually hang out with, she's calm and considerate. Very polite, too. And beautiful. I don't have to tell you that either, but it's nice to tell those things to someone who knows her better than anyone else. And I guess we're coming from a similar point, right? Alright this is getting a little awkward.
I just want you to know that I will take care of her and I won't hurt her. She's a beautiful person, I like her a lot and I want to make her happy. She deserves the world and I'm more than willing to deliver. I think you don't have to worry about her, she's getting back to a lighter place. She is so strong and I can see that she's fighting and if she lets me, I'll be here, by her side, supporting her with everything I have.
Okay it's late, I should probably go home. She fell asleep a while ago. I didn't mean to be a creep but I couldn't help watching her for a minute (or two). She looks so peaceful in her sleep.
Oh and hey, if you see my dad, tell him I say Hi.
It was nice to… talk to you, if that makes sense. I just wanted you to know who I am, no matter how things with Lexa and I go. I felt like it was a good idea.
Over and out! ;)
PS: I didn't read anything from Lexa here, don't worry! None of my business anyway. Just thought you should know. Bye :)
You're welcome ;D
March 25, 2016
Oh. Clarke apparently found this book. I have no idea what she told you (only good things, I hope. Isn't that what people say?). I can't even express how I feel about it. It's just
amaz so comforting, and so beautiful to know that she didn't just say that this book was a good idea (to make me feel less awkward about it and stuff… not that I feel awkward about it but you know what I mean), but that she actually meant what she said.
The date went well. Great, even. We ate and drank wine and talked, and drank some more wine, and talked some more. We didn't kiss, but there was a moment on the couch where we were really close and I could see the beauty spot above her lip and those tiny grey dots in her blue eyes. Well, this moment… I think it would not have felt wrong if we had kissed, you know? (I can't believe I'm telling you this. Isn't this weird for you?)
I think I would I would like to see her again, I mean for a second date. She is When we She makes me happy. I like her company. I feel lighter when she's around. It reminds me of a song (I know you're wincing right now. Stop that! I actually feel what he sings about! It's not cheesy, shut up! … okay it is cheesy, but it makes sense)
It goes like this:
If only you knew
The sunlight shines a little brighter,
The weight of the world's a little lighter,
The stars lean in a little closer,
All because of you
And then there's a second verse where the forests grow a little greener and stuff, but I can tell you're laughing your ass off at me right now, so I won't embarrass myself any further. But hey, it's a good thing that I feel like being cheesy is okay, right? It means that light jokes still work. It means the world isn't as dark as
I thought it was it used to be.
Tomorrow is mom's birthday. I'm thinking about taking Clarke with me. I think mom would like to meet her. I'm not sure about the flowers though. She always loved red tulips but I was thinking yellow tulips would color up the grey of the stone a bit, what do you think?
Sorry, this entry is a really short one, but I have to get going if I want to make it to the meeting with Mr. Wallace in time. It's about the exhibition, he said he has some news for me. I hope they're good and I get to get it. It would be amazing! Wish me luck!
I miss you.
This is one of my Alycia songs. (Don't blame me, I'm mushy about her.)
Well, I just had to use this song, it's perfect for Lexa and Clarke here.
March 29, 2016
I really suck at updating you on a daily basis. I'm sorry. Clarke met mom and I'm sure mom
likes her would like her.
Yesterday, Clarke showed me her special place (Oh God that came out wrong!) I'm too lazy to find a better way to say it. It's a small rock in the Central Park, hidden between some trees and it seems like no one ever goes there. I don't even think people know it exists. Except for Clarke. And now me.
She found it a while ago, after her Dad died, and often goes there to calm down, and it works. It's really peaceful there. We talked a lot and at some point, she took my hand. I don't even remember when it happened. It felt so normal. It felt good.
And we had a moment again. You know, where we moved closer and just got lost in the other's eyes, and then I kissed her. Or she kissed me, I don't know. I guess we just met in the middle… It was beautiful. Very slow and careful. I don't even know how long it lasted, it felt like an eternity but also like only a second at the same time.
I could go on and on about her, but I'm sure that would be boring for you, and maybe a bit weird.
So, I met Wallace the other day and guess what! I'm getting the exhibition! It will be in December and I checked out his gallery. Jesus, Cos, that place is huge! Can't wait to go out and start working, spotting new places, trying out new angles, playing with different daylights. I'm so excited, you have no idea!
Aden's ankle is almost fully healed by the way, the doctors said he can go back to soccer training soon. He's moody because 'soon' is still such a long time, but I'm sure those two weeks will be over in no time, especially because he and Madi started making music now. I finally bought him this goddamn loop pedal and he almost fell from the couch when he saw it. God, just imagine he would have fallen and broken his other ankle! Shit, life is so dangerous!
I'm taking Clarke out for dinner on Friday (today is Tuesday). There is this cute Italian restaurant in Brooklyn (I know I know, Italian restaurant for a date, lame. Shut up, Cos.), I think she'll like it.
I haven't told you about Indra in a while, have I? She thinks weekly meetings aren't necessary anymore, so I'm seeing her once a month now. I feel better and better everyday.
I'm sitting on my balcony right now, the city is loud and busy as always, but I'm enjoying it. I think I'll have a glass of wine now. That one wine you found so disgusting and you know what? You can't stop me! I'll open it now! (hang on) The bottle is open now! And you can't stop me from pouring myself a glass! And now I'm having a sip, and there's nothing you can do about it! Oh fuck my life. This is disgusting. What the hell was I thinking. Okay I'm getting a beer now.
I have my beer. The sun is setting at the horizon right now. Not that I can actually see it because of that giant ass skyscraper blocking the view, but I can see the orange tinge the buildings get. It's beautiful.
I'll drink my beer now and think about life, about you and Clarke and the past few months.
our themy balcony" …
As always, feel free to leave kudos or comments or even come say Hi on instagram. :)
April 18, 2016
Today is Monday. Six weeks ago, I started writing you. I've told you so much about so many things, and I really think this helps a lot. I like thinking that there's a way to talk to you, even if it's very one–sided. But I've said it before, maybe you read it, somehow. Maybe you're still with me. Sitting next to me on my balcony, photobombing the perfect shot that took me hours to prepare, maybe you're kissing me Good Night.
I'm really sorry it's been a while since I last wrote you, so much has happened since then.
Clarke and I are together now. She's perfect in every way, and I'm happy with her. I'm happy in general. Everything is going so extremely well for me right now. I've started planning the exhibition, finding a lot of things I could show and I can't wait to go out and take those photos.
Aden's ankle is fully healed now (and he hasn't broken anything else either!). He and Madi have a soccer match next Saturday, Clarke and I are going, and she'll meet Anya and Raven. Gustus hopes he can make it, but his girlfriend wants to introduce him to her daughter on that day. Guess who that daughter is. It's Indra. It's such a small world.
I really hope they can make it, we all want to meet this woman, and I really want everyone to meet Clarke.
We're taking some days off at the end of May, we're thinking of doing this infamous Eurotrip. She really wants to see Paris and Rome and Copenhagen, even more since I told her how beautiful these cities are. I'm really looking forward to that vacation.
I don't know if I should tell you this. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I decided you have the right to know.
Clarke and I slept together, and it was beautiful. Very emotional and overwhelming (in the physical way of course, but also in the emotional way). I think I'm in love with her. I think I love her, Costia.
I'm just so glad that I found her. She's… Clarke.
I feel like it's time to move on, so this will be my last letter to you. Thank you, Costia. Thank you for everything you've done for me, for all the moments, all the memories. Thank you for the person you were, thank you for being with me even after you passed away, be it in one way or another, but you were always on my mind, the entire time, and you will always have a place in my heart. I will always be with you, and I know that you'll always be with me.
It's time for a new chapter now.
I will never forget you.