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What Are you Hiding?

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“Jackkkkkkk, let me in the bathroom.” Gabriel said from outside the bathroom door. Jack glanced over at it, worry setting in even more. He couldn’t let Gabriel in, not now. Jack looked back to the foggy mirror, the shower on in the background so it seemed like he was busy. In reality, he was staring at his reddened breasts. He had been taking a shower and he looked down to his feet but all he could be reminded of was his chest that were in the way.

Jack wished he would only see those two curved scars instead of breasts or even better, nothing at all except for two shapely pecs. But all he saw in the mirror was a woman in disguise. He remembered his long hair that boys would tug on, slender shoulders that held up the straps to dresses and bras, breasts that were small hills on his chest…

He knew he was a woman who had decided to join this program and not the man that everyone else knew him as. Jack had gained wide shoulders, a muscled body, had cut his hair short, got new clothes and a lot of binders. He had gotten more careful too. He didn’t want his group to think he was something he wasn’t. Only Ana knew and his personal doctor and a few higher ups. He had asked Ana for a few monthly products and she knew that he definitely didn’t have a girlfriend.

“Jackkkkkkkkkkkkk!” Gabriel said again as he hit the door again. Jack awoke from his trance, turning around. The counter hid the area below the waist and it was for the best. He would see what wasn’t there and he would scratch at his skin more. His skin was red from the scorching heat of the water and where he scratched at it. He just wanted to rip his chest off and never have to look down again.

“I’ll be out in a minute. Just let me have some room.” Jack said, hoping his voice wouldn’t betray him. He wiped at his face, wanting to rid himself of his tears as he dried his skin with his towel and turned the faucet to off. This would be the last moment of privacy he would get before going back to the communal showers.

The both of them had been in medical after a round of the drugs, both having thrown up multiple times violently and skin breaking open for no reason. It was really bad and Gabriel had helped drag Jack to get help. When Jack had first joined, he had not been excited to find out that he had been paired with his commanding officer.

He was a lot more excited when he came in and saw him without a shirt and stretching. Gabriel had been confident, extremely smart, cocky, sarcastic but still kind. Everytime he winked at Jack, it made the blonde blush. But Jack couldn’t deal with having these thoughts about his male commanding officer.

So he pushed the thoughts away and never gave them much thought besides the nights when Gabriel didn’t return to the room and he had some time to himself to remember how sweat had dripped down Gabriel’s chest and Jack indulged himself in a few moments of self pleasure. He felt guilty after it every time and he turned away from the door on his bed after cleaning up, unable to look his CO in the eye or to even face him as he thought Gabriel would just know.

The communal showers were a problem. There were curtains to give yourself some privacy but needing to run to the other area where you needed to change without trying to explain why you had your towel wrapped around your body instead of your waist was the hard part. Jack would wake up early and take his shower or do it late at night when the others slept, receiving multiple questions from Gabriel who was grumpy at being woken up by the other man. Jack didn’t turn the lights on the first few times and ran into things which woke Gabriel up and Jack just put his stuff near the door now.

Jack decided he needed to hurry and couldn’t have an existential crisis right now. He grabbed his binder, feeling the tight material as he pulled it over his head before growling to himself. He couldn’t pull it on while his body was wet and even though he had just dried himself, the steam in the room wasn’t helping. He tossed the black material aside after a few moments, already feeling tears of frustration prick at his eyes. Jack’s body was turning tense and he felt the need to punch something, anything.

He just needed to calm down and figure out a solution. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone who he was. He couldn’t, not yet, not because of some technicality. So he grabbed his shirt and pulled it on, glaring at the clothed breasts in the mirror before grabbing the binder and towel and bundling them together. He held them in front of his chest, hoping they shielded enough before turning to the door.
Jack opened it quickly, keeping his reddening eyes down. “Bathroom is open.” He couldn’t meet Gabriel’s eyes so he forced himself to keep looking down.

“You okay?” Gabriel asked as he lowered his fist that was ready to knock again, his urgency gone as he looked at his roommate.

“I’m fine. Just take your private shower and enjoy it. Its back to group bathing after this.” Jack said with a forced chuckle as he walked away quicker. He couldn’t face Gabriel. Not when he was like this. Gabriel didn’t even have time to comment on how he’s never seen Jack in the showers when the others were before the blonde was gone out the door and back to their shared room.

“Jack…?” Gabriel muttered as the door started to close, his hand that was holding his towel and clothes dropping to his side as he watched Jack leave.