He had never expected it to happen, and by bearing those standards in mind, it was possible to consider their situation an accident.
Frankly, he had thought about her as he took the subway to work, the cold winter air still stinging his face and leaving his hands raw and numb. The idea of ‘them’ had crossed his mind as he showered, leaving his mind shambolic as he allowed the warm water to drench him and practically cleanse him.
Cleanse. As a Catholic, that word held a heavy meaning – to be freed of his sin or guilt. Lusting after her, fancying her, the two things came hand in hand, at least for him. Regardless, he knew his cleanse lay not with his body, but with his mind. He wanted her so bad, even though he knew that it was best not to do so. She was a co-worker, and a good friend to add. Their bond had taken a lot of time to create - mostly because she had built walls around her to prevent people from hurting her - and that was something he was afraid to tarnish.
He had even dreamt about it, dreamt about her – she was as sweet as honey and her fair skin was as soft as silk. His dreams left him drowning in his sheets, his heart-racing and his mouth muttering six words over and over again. The order was occasionally scrambled as he drifted back to sleep, but the message remained solid and the same:
“She’s simply your friend. You shouldn’t.”
When it happened, it was shocking; like being burned with a lighter, cut with a razor, or after doing six shots in a row. Each situation left his body throbbing – searing and hissing, bleeding and red, grimacing and gasping – and each situation left his mind rushing. Fueled with adrenaline, his blood was racing and his thoughts were swimming in uncharted water.
The particular case that had led to their grand celebration had been the conviction of a serial murderer. The perpetrator had a taste for murdering his victims and leaving them suspended from an elevated source, both in public and private spaces. He left them in a variety of tied up shapes, which had been difficult at first since it made the attacks resemble knock offs of the original, but after a while it became clear that the man had a type which aided in catching him in the act. His conviction had taken a longer amount of time than they originally estimated, but after Barba’s fantastic save in the courtroom a celebration was a must.
Their squad had gone out to a cop bar. It was thirty minutes walking distance from the precinct, yet the distance did not seem to cause a disturbance in their group since the weather was pleasant.
“Heard it might rain tonight,” he announced to his co-workers and friends, with a slight grin on his face. “But that shouldn’t stop us from having a good time, though.”
All of them walked to the bar, since they did not want to risk driving home afterwards.
“It’s just in case someone gets smashed.” She had teased, tugging on his leather jacket as the wind ruffled her hair. “C’mon, Carisi! You’re walking so slowly!”
He had enough money in his wallet to keep going, keep buying shots, but sometime around one thirty, Fin warned him that he should stop.
Liv had had her fair share of fun and left around midnight, catching a cab to get home and be with Noah. In the time that had both preceded and followed her departure, he had started a drinking game of sorts, though it appeared that the only devoted contestants had turned out to be himself and –
“Rollins!” he caught himself shouting over the loud rock music and the people talking. “That wasn’t even the cue to drink! You just took an empty shot!”
The bar was hot and crowded for a Thursday night. He had long ago taken off his leather jacket and could feel sweat building on his hairline as he looked into his brandy shot and caught her reflection.
Rollins’ face burst into giggles as she slammed down her shot glass and gripped onto his arm, “An empty shot glass is what it became, Sonny. Your turn!”
‘Sonny?’ He briefly thought. ‘How drunk was she?’
No one ever called him that, no matter how much he liked it.
He blinked at his shot, chuckling: “My turn? Wasn’t there some kind of order in this game? Like, a reason to do shots?”
She taped on his forearm, in a form of encouragement, “Oh, come on! There’s always a reason to do shots – for fun!”
Shrugging, he took another shot yet by now the burning sensation had left his throat and the alcohol went down with ease.
“Hey.” He heard Fin’s voice in his ear and his hand on his shoulder. “You should go home before you get carried away, Carisi. Maybe catch a cab with Rollins so that she gets home safe, y’know?”
He attempted to fix his messy hair as he nodded to Fin, “Yeah, that’s best. See you later, Fin.”
Fin nodded as he sipped on his beer and watched Carisi lean over to Amanda and tell her that they should get going. They were both well on their way to getting wasted, therefore leaving together would reassure everything played out smoothly and safely.
Still, it was hard for Fin’s observant eyes to miss the way Carisi glowed when he spoke to her, the way he pressed a gentle hand to her lower back as they moved through the crowd, and how he let her wear his jacket as they exited the bar.
The older officer wondered to himself if there was anything going on between them, but figured it was best to observe and not ask. The only person from his friend group who remained was Barba, so maybe he would strike up that conversation later. After all, Barba was quick minded and observant therefore maybe he could fill in the gaps on this friendship.
When Fin saw Carisi leave he thought, ‘Screw it, I might as well ask now...’
Outside, Carisi noticed how the weather had significantly cooled since their arrival and offered Amanda his jacket which she was quick to accept. He signaled at a taxi by the corner. As the car approached, he realized what a far drive it would be to either of their places.
“You’ve got a sitter watching Jesse, right?” He asked.
“Okay, just making sure.”
She smiled at him as the taxi stopped in front of them. He held the door open for her as she stumbled in and he followed shortly suit.
“What a gentleman!” She exclaimed, her Southern accent shining through as she shimmered in the glow of the streetlamps. He noted how beautiful she looked, even when he could hardly see her.
“Of course, Amanda.”
She licked her lips, opened her mouth to say something but thought otherwise, and instead, just laughed to herself.
Adjusting his seatbelt: “What’s so funny?”
She spoke slowly, “Nothing… I- Just- Thank you…Sonny. For everything.”
His ears perked up – there it was again!
“I’ve got you for anything.”
Still, he dwelled on his nickname with a smirk on his lips, “But what was that?”
Judging by the breathiness he heard in her voice, he felt that she knew exactly what he was asking about.
He chuckled as he caught her in a lie.
“No, I really don’t.”
It did not sound defensive, just embarrassed. Her cheeks were red.
“Sonny…” he drawled, allowing his Staten Island to come through. “You never call me that, ‘Manda. Can’t say I don’t like it.”
“Where to?” The driver called out from the front.
Carisi gave him his address, not noticing how Amanda did not give hers as the taxi drove farther and farther from the bar.
She took out her phone as he noticed how close he was to her. Their proximity was never this close unless it was business – such as a crammed elevator or a seat together in court. This situation, on the other hand, seemed a lot less like business and more so like pleasure.
Although he noticed that his vision was not up to par by the way the words on her screen doubled, he could tell that she was texting her sitter.
‘Crashing at a friend’s place tonight. Watch Jesse overnight plz,, be there first thing in the morning. Thanks again Aunt Jessica’
So it was not a sitter, but family. Most likely from her father’s side, since he has seen enough of her mother to assume that that side of the family would not watch Jesse overnight without a catch. Still, Carisi knew not to ask her about it. Regardless of whether they were drunk or sober, her family was complicated and undependable.
With her text sent, she turned off her phone with a click.
He caught a look in her eye as they turned a sharp right. It was a foreign gleam in her bright blue eyes. He had seen it before in his life, maybe once or twice, but never from her. He never thought he would.
“’Manda,” she mused, slowly “I like that. That’s real sweet.”
He could not stop himself, “Not as sweet as you.”
There was another sharp turn and she felt his hand carefully touch her own from where it rested on the gray car seat.
All he could think about was the ocean in her eyes.
The next moment was both reckless and thought through. He was careful when he licked his lips and leaned in slowly, closing the gap between them. He was careful to keep his eyes half-open until he touched her, expecting her bittersweet refusal which shockingly did not occur. He was careful to pick up how soft her lips were, and careful to be gentle with her.
But in retrospect, kissing her was reckless… reckless
When he felt her hand twist to interlace his fingers he felt although she was passing an electric current through him. When he felt her free hand trail his body from his chest to his neck to his jaw line he swore he was dreaming. She gripped the back of his neck as she kissed him back, pulling him in and grabbing his dress shirt to show her desire and have him as close to her as he could.
His hands moved from the seat to her neck and her cheek. She was gasping for breath as she pulled away for an instant, and before he could even form the question ‘Does she want to stop?’ she leaned back in and resumed.
The driver took a left turn as she bit his lip and whispered against his skin, “You don’t have to be so gentle, Dominick.”
She seemed to light a fuse within him when she said his name. This was different than before since it was neither his nick name nor his last name. His gentleness was discarded in the back of the taxi as he trailed kisses from her lips to her neck, leaving a particularly dark hickey at her jaw line.
“Fuck!” her voice was high and her breathing was fast.
He kept going, leaving hickeys along her neck and collarbones as she ran a hand through his thick hair and gripped at the base of his neck, wordlessly begging him to keep going.
The taxi came to a stop and the driver cleared his throat. Carisi stopped, feeling suddenly aware of his surroundings and took out a twenty dollar bill and gave it to the driver.
“You want change back?”
Amanda fixed her disheveled hair as the driver gave Carisi back his cash. She was feeling lightheaded as Carisi exited the car, but when he opened the door for her, she could not ignore how natural it felt to hold his hand.
She had never been to his place before, and as they made out under the archway against the door to his building she noted he was struggling to balance that and finding his keys.
“Can’t find ya keys, can ya?” She breathily teased, before reaching into the pocket of his jacket that she was still wearing and pulling out a jingling set of keys.
“Aha! Look what I found, Carisi!”
He cocked his head to the side, his brown hair falling across his eyes, “Carisi, eh?”
Her face broke into a smile as she tugged at his dress shirt, feeling the alcohol rush to her head and make her go all flirty and pink. She missed his lips and his warmth almost instantly, “Don’t tease me like that, Dominick… C’mere.”
‘God she’s so drunk… But so am I.’
He kissed her like she wanted, wrapping his hands around her waist and pressing his lips to hers hungrily. As it began to rain outside, the sound drowning out the neighbourhood, they were all feverish gasps, searching hands, and messy hair.
Carisi pulled away briefly, taking the keys out of Amanda’s hands and unlocking the building door. She found his hand in the darkness that filled the hallway. He slurred something about how the light had burned out weeks ago and someone was yet to replace it. He figured he would do it in a few days. She said that was a good idea since darkness was never all that good.
The building was fusty but the hallway was wide and as they made their way to the stairwell, Carisi flicked a switch and the stairs illuminated.
“This light works, thank God. There’s an old lady upstairs and I don’t know how she’d function in the dark and –“
“You’re so cute when you’re caring, y’know that right?”
He turned to her, blushing slightly, still holding her hand, “I’ve never gotten that one before, actually.”
She smiled, “Well, consider it a first.”
His place was small but it seemed wide in the dim lighting. They stumbled into the small bedroom and he shut the door after them, pressing her against the wall. His lips were kissing hers hungrily, fast paced and intense, and her hands dragged across his chest, undoing the buttons of his shirt.
She shrugged her shoulders, allowing his jacket to drop to the floor before resuming with his buttons. Parting from her warmth briefly, he threw his shirt off to the corner and she pulled off her long sleeved shirt and dropped it to her feet.
They were kissing again, his mouth leaving hickeys all across her neck.
“Oh baby.” She moaned, her brow furrowing slightly as she felt waves of pleasure rush through her body - starting in her chest and moving to the tips of her fingers before pooling between her legs. “Don’t stop.”
He chuckled to himself, as he gripped her right leg and raised it a bit so that he could position himself between her thighs and kiss her breasts better.
She clawed at his exposed back, her nails digging into his skin and leaving a burning sensation where ever they passed. It reminded him of the sting of a lighter; expect in his drunken state the burn was not so bad.
She drew down the straps of her bra before unclasping it from the back and discarding it. He could not stop himself from looking at her round breasts and how her nipples got hard in the dim lighting.
“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”
She grinned and clasped his face as she kissed him. Carisi pulled away to cup her breasts and toy with them, squeezing them and smiling to himself when he could hear her moans echo around his room.
He picked up her leg and pressed himself between her legs once more, kissing her left breast until she was begging for him. He swirled his tongue around her nipple as her breathing got heavy and then got up and kissed her lips some more. He could not get enough of her.
As they were kissing, she felt his arousal dig into her hip, pressing through his dark pants and pulsing against her skin. Amanda kissed him deeply; tasting his mouth and feeling his tongue play with her own, while her free hand reached down and tugged on his belt. Carisi got the cue and began undoing his belt, while Amanda unzipped her jeans and slipped her shoes off, shoving them in the corner somewhere with the rest of their garments.
‘Carisi’ felt too professional and distant, ‘Sonny’ sounded too casual, and therefore ‘Dominick’ felt sincere and personal enough.
“Dominick…” she sighed, leaning against the door and toying with the waistband of her underwear.
He looked up at the sound of his name, his pants shoved down to his knees and his shoes off: “Yeah?”
“Get on your knees, baby…”
Carisi knew exactly what she wanted; the smirk on his lips was inevitable. He got down to her level as she ran a hand through his hair.
The brown haired man tugged at her underwear, dropping them down to the floor while he traced his thumb across her clit. He could feel her body stiffen at his touch, and although it confused him due to her previous request, he assumed it was because her luck in men had not been good in the past. Maybe this triggered something? As an act of reassurance, he kissed her thigh and traced shapes across her skin with his fingers, speaking softly :
“Just relax, ‘Manda. I won’t hurt you.”
Amanda nodded in understanding, feeling her wetness grow as he kissed his way up to her core from her knee to her inner thigh. He left burgundy hickeys wherever he stopped, as if marking down where he had been.
Carisi steadied himself against her thigh, feeling his cock throbbed for her as he parted her lips with his fingers. When he stuck his tongue inside her, it felt like heaven. As he rolled his tongue all around her clit, she moaned and twisted her hands in his hair.
"Fuck, there! Ah! Right there!”
He teased her lips, tugging gently, before returning to her aching clit. He ran his tongue across it and around, swirling in letters of the alphabet. Carisi was quick to discover that “Q” was her favourite letter, in which he relished, teasing her by tracing out the letter at different speeds. He used the tip of his tongue and its quick jabs to make her squirm, and the slower, messier swipes made her gasp and groan. Her legs were shacking and she was begging him to keep going when he stuck a finger inside of her, feeling her warmth and how she molded around him when her body shifted and twitched. He kept fucking her with his tongue as he added a second finger, building a slow and deep pace.
“It’s too much!” The blonde cried out. “I-“
Her legs quit shaking and stiffened as her mouth parted into an “O”. As the moments melted away, Amanda was cursing under her breath, her legs full of pins and needles, while Carisi was brushing his hair out of his eyes. Suddenly, she dropped to her knees and kissed him, tasting herself all over his lips and tongue. It took him my surprise, frankly, but he could not deny that he found it incredibly sexy.
As she kissed him, she reached between his legs and stroked his throbbing cock.
He had been a sticky mess even before she had started. Amanda realized that he had been leaking while he had been pleasing her, and she knew enough about men to know that most of them would have discarded her pleasure if it meant the price of their own. In short, this whole selfless and patient thing was new.
With her fist curled around his girth, she pumped him slowly, feeling him pulse against her and noting how he gasped for air in between kisses. She smirked as she pushed her tongue in his mouth, brushing her thumb around his tip before using the fluid that leaked out as a lubricant.
He moaned in her mouth, his voice both deep and breathy, as his desire began to build up inside him. He needed her, needed to come, so painfully, he pulled away, stopping himself.
Amanda looked at him, confused.
Carisi was gasping for breath, his back pressed against his bed, his legs spread and a sweat building on his body. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm his heartbeat:
“Nothing. I-I just need to catch my breath. I wanna keep going, but if I didn’t stop I wouldn’t be able to wait.”
A devilish smile crossed her pale face and she whispered flirtatiously, “Oh, so are you into edging?”
He chuckled, “Yeah, like, this is really hot… But I’m also just trying to last longer. You have me so fucked when you touch me.”
Hazel eyes scanned her like a masterpiece. There was something so instinctive about how they stood – she had stumbled to her knees when he pulled away, her blonde hair spilling down her shoulders and smeared across her forehead, while his body was parted, craving her. Something about this felt so expected and natural. Maybe that was because he had dreamt of a similar scenario? Or perhaps, because he was just horny and drunk.
Carisi stood up and sat on the bed, the mattress creaking slightly under his weight.
“’Manda.” He cooed.”C'mere.”
She approached him, curious as to what he had in store. His back straightened as he reached out to her, dark hair falling in front of his face, and cupped her ass.
There was an undertone in his voice that was different. Not that they had been exactly innocent before, but there was something about his voice, now, that seemed almost dominant. It clicked to Amanda that he had a very clear need on his mind and on the tip of his tongue, so when his Staten Island drawl pulled through it turned her on immensely.
“Suck me off. I need you so bad.”
With his free hand, he stroked her hair, his fingers gentle as the brushed against her cheek.
She purred, “Lay down.”
The alcohol was rushing to her head again as Carisi laid down on the bed and she straddled his thigh. She felt the brandy swimming through her and making her light headed as she bent over and licked his tip.
He sighed, practically melting into the mattress. Her tongue rolled against his head and her hand pumped against his shaft. She gripped herself against his hip and the mattress, taking him deeper. She pulled away with a slight pop and trailed her tongue down the length of his shaft.
“Fuck!” He growled. “Oh God!”
She took him whole, making the Italian shut his eyes in lust, and began bobbing her head along the length of his cock. As Carisi brushed her hair out of her eyes, he felt her wet pussy grinding against his thigh and it made him quiver.
“I wanna feel you.” he pushed out, knowing he was close to the edge. “Now!”
He did not have to ask twice.
As he slipped into her, he felt her all around him at a messy and fast-paced rhythm. As stars flooded his vision, he was mesmerized at how her breasts bounced when she was on top and how her back arched when he hit her sweet spot over and over. It was enough to convince him that this was what heaven felt like. They were both moaning and when her body doubled over again he knew she had came.
She was on the verge of screaming her lungs out. She was moving slower, but just as deeply, careful to have hit press against her sweet spot with each thrust.
"Oh my God! Ah! Dominick!"
Her breath hitched in her throat as she fought between oxygen and an orgasm.
She yelled at his to keep going and he could hardly focus on her due to the euphoria. Amanda held herself up against his bedpost and he thrust into her, once, twice, three times more, before he could no longer contain himself. It all ended both slowly and quickly – his legs stiffened, he groaned and he came inside of her.
Just as his body began to register what he did, his mind caught up.
“I-“he shot up so rapidly that he thought he would vomit all the shots he had done hours ago. “Wait-We didn't-Fuck-”
His mind was racing to pregnancy and regret but his body could not handle it as his limbs practically shut down as he fell back against the mattress. Amanda collapsed next to him, her vision blurry and her own body exhausted.
Once she realized why he was panicking she slipped under his covers and pressed a finger to his lips:
She yawned, cutting herself off. When she resumed, she was already half asleep.
“… I had an IUD…After Jesse.”
Carisi could breathe a sigh of relief. No worries there, then.
“Oh good.” He chuckled.
“Shh…” she mumbled against his shoulder. “Come here, let’s sleep.”
Pale sunlight streamed his window, illuminating his bedroom and awaking his visitor. It took the blonde a moment to register exactly where she was, since, technically, everything was foreign. She rapidly realized that she was naked under the bed sheets, and once she spotted her clothes in the corner of the room by the door, memories that were only hours old began flooding back.
“Carisi…” she groaned into the pillow, her head aching.
Still, she stood up and did the best to collect herself. Amanda collected her clothes from the corner and put them on, using a wooden chair by his desk for support. She felt horrible, the room was spinning and her stomach felt queasy.
Where the fuck was his bathroom? What if she vomited everywhere? Would that make things weird, or really, weirder than they could become now… Now that they fucked.
As Amanda stood up, she grabbed at her stomach and yelled, “Ca-“
She stopped herself. That name suddenly felt too cold for their situation.
She had flirted with ‘Sonny’ at the bar and moaned ‘Dominick’ for a good half hour last night, therefore ‘Carisi’ was not a name that no longer suited him in her mind. They were too personal for last names.
She cleared her throat, attempting to postpone her nausea, “Dominick?”
His voice was slightly startled when he heard how loud she was, but he appeared at the doorway regardless, ‘Yeah?”
“Where’s your bathroom?”
“Down the hall!”
She shoved past him and ran to the room down the hall, shutting the door loudly after her. He heard her retching and vomiting.
“Oh fuck, you’re hung over too?”
“What do you think!”
She sounded tired based on her voice, and only when he realized that she had called him ‘Dominick’ and not ‘Carisi’ did he realize how well they both remember last night. His stomach turned, and not from the alcohol, when he began to wonder how he could approach this.
It was not like she was just another girl he met at a bar. She was his friend, his co-worker, he was the Godfather of her child for crying out loud. She was most definitely not just another face. And, of course, the cherry on the cake was that he had it sweet for her.
When she exited the bathroom, her hair tied back in a ponytail, the moment felt so bittersweet. Carisi considered taking her place in the bathroom and vomiting, but instead he swallowed his fear and offered her a smile.
He was expecting the worst from this conversation.
“… I’m sorry if this spoiled something…”
“… But I’ll be honest…”
His foot was tapping against the floor.
She was toying with the hem of her shirt. She could smell him all over her clothes, skin, hair.
“… I like you... Not because of yesterday – I mean- yesterday was great, it was fun. But I’ve liked you for a while.”
They were both curious to hear what the other had to say. There was no going back now.
“I came to terms with it…” She swallowed, hard, as her voice shook slightly.”When I saw you with Jesse that day after lunch.”
He raised his eyebrows, surprised.
Amanda broke his gaze, looking at the floor, embarrassed, but she carried on regardless.
“The way you cared for her and the way you were so patient was so new and special. And… How you’re so patient and kind to me… I-I’m new to it, I mean; you know how my family is. This is all kinda scary-“
He interjected: “I would never hurt you.”
It was sudden, but it was sincere. Carisi felt that it was the right time to be honest; there was no more beating around the bush such as when he bought her the latest in diaper wipe technology and hoped she would catch his hint.
Amanda took a breath and smiled softly, “It’s just, I’m afraid of being fucked over. I mean, look, I have baggage and some other guy’s baby. I-“
He took a step towards her. “That doesn’t bother me. If it did, I would have stopped coming over to your place months ago. I would have left it at a ‘Hey, Rollins, how was your weekend?’ basis. No crappy reality TV, no dog walks with the stroller, no late night dinners, no baby gifts…”
She could not help but laugh.
He took another step towards her, reaching out and caressing her cheek, “What I’m trying to say is that I care a lot for you and that I like you. It’s been that way for a while, y’know? And, I’m gonna be honest, I wanna try this with you.”
“A relationship? More sex?”
He chuckled, “A mix of both, I’d hope.”
She laughed some more and blushed, “Me too.”
Amanda pulled at the edges of his un-tucked shirt, drawing him in the way boats pull into a harbour.
“We’ll go slow.” he whispered, leaning in to kiss her. “You can trust me, ‘Manda.”
She leaned in, closing their gap, responding with her actions to fill in for her lack of words.
When she kissed him, it felt like summer and warmth. It painted images in his mind of bright blue skies and a gentle breeze.
The religious man in him thought, once more, of heaven. Heaven, since he felt finally at peace.