Kim Taehyung, sometimes referred to by his peers as the Robin Hood of the internet, was unquestionably one of the most handsome and interesting men of his generation. His best friend and confidant was an elderly gay man named-"
"TAE, I am not elderly," Jin huffs in exasperation over his shoulder. "Delete that right now."
"P.O.S.," Taehyung whispers as he types, frame hunched protectively around his screen as he feels Jin's presence behind him. "What? I'm not doing anything."
"I know what 'parent over shoulder' means, and I don't know how many times I can tell you that I am not your motherfucking mom."
"Maybe I'll believe that when you stop wiping food off of my mouth with a spitty napkin in public," Taehyung shoots back, moodily mashing the backspace button on his keyboard.
"Whatever," Jin sighs, resigned now, "Just stop writing about me on your blog."
"I'm not! You know I deleted my blog after I got all that hate for the Teletubbies post,” Taehyung reminds him, nose in the air. “It's for my autobiography.”
“Why are you writing your autobiography in third person?” He pauses. “Wait, why are you writing an autobiography?”
“Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking," Taehyung says as he shuts his laptop with a sigh. "I'm 25, single, I work from home, and I haven't spoken to anyone except you in four days. The only things I have going for me are my face and my beanie baby collection. I am slightly concerned about my legacy."
"Why would anybody want to read an autobiography about you? You lead a completely unremarkable life."
"Exactly!" Taehyung agrees wholeheartedly, turning around in his chair to look at Jin, who is standing in front of his sink and preparing to wash the dishes. "That's why I have to write it. I can shape the way I tell my own story. And I think that through sheer will and determination, anyone can become a beloved historical figure. I want them to write a hit rap musical about me."
“Do whatever the hell you want. Just leave me out of it. History does not look favorably upon gay men."
"Fair." Taehyung slumps dramatically in his chair, chin pushed up unattractively against his chest. “But what else am I supposed to write about? You're the only person I talk to and so by default you're the most interesting thing I have going on. That’s right, YOU, who only just started wearing open-toed shoes after a prolonged internal moral struggle. There is nothing happening in my life."
“Then, I dunno. Make things happen. Venture somewhere besides my house and the day-old bread store. I mean, you can come to the club with me and Yoongi tonight, if you want."
Taehyung's ears perk up. "Who's Yoongi?"
"He's... this guy I met," Jin says vaguely, waving a casually dismissive hand.
"Met how?" Taehyung prompts him, pushing himself out of his chair and to his feet, interest fixated completely on Jin now. "Like met in a sexy way? Because I do not want to be a third wheel with some guy you're doing." He’s bluffing. He’s bored as hell and would love nothing more.
Jin tucks his head, but Taehyung can still see the tips of his pink ears. "We're not doing. We... did. Past tense. One time. And it wasn't even like a thing. We weren't even the only people present at the time."
Taehyung fixes Jin with a shocked look. "You know, you're getting a lot less uptight in your old age. First open-toed shoes, now group sex."
Jin chucks a dish towel at his face. "Okay, you're officially uninvited."
"Nooo," Taehyung whines, pouting. "I don't want to be alone. Please, I'll be good. I want to meet this guy. How long have you known him?”
“A few months?” Jin says with a vague, dismissive hand motion.
“Months??” Taehyung gapes. “I'm at your place all the time! How have I not met him?”
“Through very careful coordination and planning on my part. Why do you think I kept sending you to pick up various pet supplies at the last moment when you said you were coming over? I knew it'd take you at least 2 hours to get out of there because you'd have to play with the puppies. I don't even have a dog. Tae."
"I know that," Taehyung claims indignantly. "I'm not an idiot, I just thought you were into some very authentic pet play."
"Nothing," Taehyung says hastily. "Anyway, this guy. Is it serious?”
“I told you, it's not like that between us,” Jin insists, cheeks a dull red and mouth pouty as he says it. "We're just friends."
“Right, and you were hiding him from me because things are totally normal between you,” Taehyung replies, unconvinced.
“No! Jin pleaaase, I haven't left my house in days except to come here. I'm going feral without human contact. I growled at the mail man yesterday.“
Jin considers him for a few moments, chewing his lip. "Fine. But don't say anything dumb to Yoongi, okay?"
"What would I even possibly say?"
"So you two totally boinked, huh?" Taehyung asks by way of greeting as he shakes Yoongi's hand for the first time. He can't help himself.
"That is dumb in at least two ways," Jin informs him, slapping Taehyung's hand away from Yoongi. "Stop saying that gross fucking word. You're 25."
Taehyung stares blankly at Jin. "We used 'boink' in my household long into my adulthood."
"First of all, I know that to be an absolute fucking lie, your mother is a kind and graceful woman who would never use that horrible word."
"Stop trying to stifle my inner child."
"Tell your inner child to stop saying gross, age-inappropriate shit," Jin spits back.
"Whatever," Taehyung rolls his eyes. "So hey where are we going anyway?" he wonders aloud as they trudge down the downtown street, bracing themselves against the relentless wind. When someone doesn't answer in the millisecond pause that he takes, he continues intrepidly. "Is it weird that I'm here? Am I totally cockblocking? I don't want to be a cockblock so if you guys want to do it, just like go ahead and do it in front of me if you need to. But just like as a heads up, I know I'm straight, but I might still get a boner and that's not something I can control."
"If you don't stop him, does he just keep going and going?" Yoongi asks mildly.
"He's a Chaotic Good straight boy. Well, supposedly straight. This is him trying." Jin nods before turning back to Taehyung. "Tae, we're going to a gay bar, your presence here was not weird until you made it weird, and sorry to be a boner killer, but there will be no doing of 'it' between me and Yoongi. You can get your kicks elsewhere."
Taehyung groans, dragging his feet heavily for a few steps as he tips his head back in despair. "How the hell am I supposed to get laid at a gay bar?"
"Are you kidding?" Yoongi scoffs. "There will probably be as many straight girls there as there are queer guys."
"Really?" Taehyung asks quizzically. "Nice.”
"Yeah, thank god for the invasion of queer spaces," Yoongi deadpans.
They arrive in front of loud, cheap-looking building with iced glass blocks lining the front, a lurid green light shining through, slightly diluted. A couple of masterfully painted drag queens lean against the barricade out front, smoking and chatting, and Taehyung can't help but stare, slack-jawed at the artistry. He hears Yoongi snicker next to him. The bouncer seems to know Yoongi and lets them through without checking their IDs. Yoongi leads them through the crowd as an obnoxious trap mix thumps through the densely packed club, making it pulse.
When they squeeze their way up to the bar, Yoongi yells over his shoulder, "What do you guys want?"
"Vodka soda," Jin shouts back, eyes busy scanning the place.
"Uh," Taehyung hesitates tentatively. "Beer? If they have it?"
Yoongi rolls his eyes. "Of course they have beer. It's a bar. Gay people drink beer, too."
Taehyung's eyes widen minutely in response. "Right. Duh. Sorry. That's not what I... Yeah, beer please."
Taehyung settles in closely beside Jin as they wait for their drinks, and he takes the time to survey the place carefully. There are a couple of currently unoccupied cages in the center of the room, and Taehyung tries to mentally calculate how many shots of tequila it would take to get Yoongi and Jin in one of those.
"Here," Yoongi mutters a minute later as he shoves a bottle of beer into Taehyung's hand.
"Yoongi?" A faint voice calls from somewhere in the crowd, and Taehyung almost thinks he's imagined it, until he sees Yoongi's expression tighten as he fixes his eyes on something over Taehyung's shoulder.
Taehyung swivels his head to get a better view, and he briefly feels like he's been knocked on the head, because making her way towards them through the crowd, seemingly in slow motion as she descends from heaven on a graceful celestial breeze, is a real live angel. Her sculpted black hair fans out in perfect old-school retro waves behind her as she approaches, lips cherry red, lined eyes sharp, brows delicately arched. He’s honestly not even sure how such a goddess exists on the mortal plane, much less how Yoongi apparently knows her.
"Oh. Minnie. Hey," Yoongi greets her stiffly.
Jin shifts to allow her by, and she leans in to give Yoongi a firm hug. "I thought I saw you come in, you asshole. Where have you been?" Her voice is lovely, rough but sweet, low and comforting.
Yoongi shrugs. "Uh, you know. Around. What are you doing here? Why aren't you at The Queen?"
"Joon still won’t let me do sexy stuff so I had to book an extra show here. Already performed, so I dressed down a little."
Minnie gives a little spin to illustrate, and Taehyung can't see how in the world this is considered dressing down. Straining, lavender patent leather hugs every curve, neckline plunging almost to her bellybutton, and shining velvet knife-sharp stilettos adorn small, dainty feet. Then mid-turn, Taehyung's knees actually wobble, because he doesn't know if he's ever seen an ass like that in real life. On Instagram fitness blogs, maybe, but never in real life. Maybe Yoongi knows her insta. Mental note to check.
"Are you by yourself?" Minnie asks, eyeing Jin briefly before turning her gaze on Taehyung. She smirks.
"Uh, no. I'm with friends," Yoongi answers, gesturing to Jin and Taehyung. Jimin's gaze follows his hand to appraise the two of them carefully. “Guys, this is Minnie.”
"Friends, huh?" Minnie asks, arching an expertly shaped eyebrow. Taehyung doesn't realize his mouth is hanging slack until he feels drool on the side of his mouth.
"Just friends," Yoongi confirms, shooting her a warning glance. "This is Jin and Taehyung."
Taehyung panics then, wanting to make sure she knows that he's 100% available. "I'm not gay!" he shouts, slightly overestimating the noise level and effectively screaming in her face.
"As he feels the need to keep reminding everyone," Jin mumbles.
Taehyung holds his breath as she steps forward, very much into his space, and smirks delicately, taking his hand and shaking it gently. "It's so nice to meet you, Not Gay," she purrs with a charming smile. "Are you of any relation to the Fairfax County Not Gays? Lovely people. Wildly repressed. Absolute animals in bed." Taehyung laughs nervously and stares at her with a quizzical look, but even he can tell how fucking smitten he must look right now.
"Be gentle with him," Yoongi mutters, taking a long swig of beer. "He's fragilely heterosexual."
"Oh I'd never be anything but gentle, sweetheart," Minnie smirks, gently elbowing Taehyung, who flushes red. "Not unless you ask very, very nicely."
Taehyung's ensuing chuckle is tight and forced, but his face is very genuinely red. "Why- ha- why would I. Ha."
"Jesus fuck, he's about to jizz his pants, Jimin. Chill," Yoongi insists, rolling his eyes.
She giggles delightedly and grasps onto Taehyung's upper arm for support. Her grip is surprisingly strong, and Taehyung's already weak knees wobble with the force of it. "Anyway since I'm done for the night, I'm about to grab a table. Do you guy want to join?"
"Yes," Taehyung answers before Yoongi can even open his mouth.
Minnie lets out a delightful tinkling laugh and leans forward into his space again, trailing a finger down Taehyung's chest. "Alright, hot stuff. I'll be right back."
"I'll be here," Taehyung assures her eagerly, and even he recognizes how whipped he sounds. Minnie laughs a tinkling little giggle before disappearing into the crowd. "Fuck, you guys were right, the girls here are hot."
Yoongi abruptly chokes on his beer, and it almost comes spraying out of his mouth. Jin pats him comfortingly on the back, trying to contain his own smile.
"What did you say her name was?" Taehyung asks, undeterred. "Minnie? Kinda sexy. Like... a sexy little Minnie Mouse. I like it."
Jin's upper lip curls in disgust. "Can I just say that Minnie Mouse is a mouse, and I will not be quiet about the fact that you find her sexy," Jin replies, eyes going wide as he seems to realize something. "Is this that fursona shit I read about on the internet?"
"Fuck off, I never said the actual mouse was sexy," Taehyung retorts, looking displeased. "I like human boobs. Like hers," he gestures in Minnie's general direction, and Yoongi snorts around his mouthful of beer again. Taehyung huffs. "What? What is it now?"
"If you're looking for boobs, you might want to look elsewhere," Yoongi informs him solemnly.
"Tae," Jin starts, resting a comforting hand on Taehyung's shoulder. "I believe that Minnie is a very beautiful drag queen."
Taehyung's eyes go comically wide. "What?"
"If it helps, he's also weird hot out of drag, just a generally hot person," Yoongi provides helpfully. "But yeah I seen that dick with my own eyes." He pauses in consideration before adding, “Big dick, too. He's very proud of it. That's why his drag name is Minnie Magnum.”
Taehyung rises up on his tiptoes, head craning desperately above the crowd to try and get a glimpse of Minnie. "I... okay."
"Okay?" Jin asks, leaning down to peer into Taehyung's eyes. "You sure buddy?"
"Yeah, I'm good, just... processing. Trying to unlearn heteronormativity. The usual," Taehyung tells him eyes blankly staring. "So... pronouns... would be..."
"Oh, Jimin prefers 'he,' even in drag. Say he likes to remind people how pretty boys can be," Yoongi tells him with a smug smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, obviously enjoying the spiral that's happening right in front of his eyes. "But it's good to ask. It varies from queen to queen, person to person."
"So Minnie's... a-"
"A homosexual cisgender man. Park Jimin."
"And... The boobs? The... the beautiful ass... It's all fake?"
"The tits are all contour and padding, but my ass is 100% Grade-A Me, sweetie," Jimin stage whispers into Taehyung's ears, and Taehyung startles so hard that he sloshes beer on his pants. "I've got the table. Y'all ready?"
"Right behind you. Come on, Tae." Jin pulls gently on the arm of an immobile Taehyung to try and spur him into movement. It takes a few increasingly violent tugs, but Taehyung eventually budges, trailing along obediently behind them.
Jimin leads them to a table at the front of the club near the stage and reaches out to pluck away the 'reserved' sign from the tabletop. It's a small, round table, and Taehyung ends up with his shoulder pressed directly to Jimin's. Both of Jimin's hands are wrapped around his cup on the table, and Taehyung is having a really hard time not staring at them. They're tiny and pretty and his own hands would dwarf them, completely swallow them up if they held hands.
And now that he has a chance to look more closely, Taehyung can also see the outline of an Adam's Apple and the barest hint of a 5 o'clock shadow. His brain is still catching up, still mildly confused, but one thing he does know is that he is undoubtedly, utterly enthralled.
"How you doing, Tae?" Jin asks from across the table.
"I'm okay," Taehyung says, eyes unwavering, and his tone is too intense to be conversational. He realizes this, but there's nothing he can do about it.
"He doesn't seem okay," Jimin notes, several long gracefully curling strands falling forward as he cranes his head in front of Taehyung's face to get a better look.
"He's fine. He's just a little shaken by your dick," Jin tells him without an ounce of shame, and Taehyung has the presence of mind to cut his eyes sharply in his direction.
"Ahhhh," Jimin hums appreciatively, turning back to Taehyung and fluttering his long lashes. "Well that's okay, honey. Lots of people are shaken by my dick. Granted, it's usually inside of them at the time."
Taehyung chokes on his sip of beer, hand flying to his mouth as he stifles the spray.
"Jesus, Jimin," Yoongi mumbles, clapping Taehyung hard on the back. "I told you he's fragile."
"I'm not, I'm not, I'm fine," Taehyung insists, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, meeting Jimin's eyes sheepishly. "And I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to be an asshole. I just... I wasn't even thinking. "
"It's perfectly okay, sweetie. I'm in drag. Lady is what I'm going for, so I am the furthest thing from offended," Jimin reassures him as he reaches out to gently pinch a cheek, and Taehyung's head reels at the contact. "You actually handled it pretty well for a surprised straight boy. That can go real offensive real fast, believe me. But hey, we're all winners here tonight. You learn a valuable lesson about gender, I meet a couple of new friends, and I get to see my good bud Yoongi after what seems to be an indefinite self-imposed exile from his friend group." He turns to Yoongi now with a sickly sweet smile, drumming his long lavender nails on the table.
"Can we not right now?" Yoongi rolls his eyes and takes a large swig of beer. Jin looks pointedly away, but it's clear he's still listening.
"'Kay Yoongz. If not now, then you name the time and place for this discussion."
"How about never."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Drop it."
"God you're irritating," Jimin remarks, reaching up to pat his wig to make sure it's still in place. "At least say something in the group chat every now and then to let us know you're alive, asshole. When they found the body of that guy who got drunk and fell asleep in a garbage truck, we legitimately thought you might be dead." Yoongi opens his mouth as if to disagree, but Jimin stops him. "And before you even say one goddamn word, do not pretend that is not a very plausible way for you to die."
Yoongi considers for a moment, then shrugs in tacit acknowledgement.
Jimin turns to the other two, smiling sweetly now. "So how did you two meet Yoongi? He hasn't made new friends in about ten years, so what is it? Does he owe you money? Is he on that zombie drug?”
Jin and Yoongi exchange a heavy, meaningful glance as they clearly try to communicate with their eyes. The hesitation seems to be answer enough.
"Oh god, Yoongi, which one of them did you fuck?"
“I’m… not gay,” Taehyung reminds them once again.
“Oh my God Tae, we KNOW, you don't like COCK, you've never taken it up the BUTT, we GET it,” Jin groans.
"Excuse you!” Yoongi bristles at Jimin, ignoring them both. “Why do you assume that’s the only way I ever meet people? Jin and I met in a group setting."
Taehyung can't control his snort of laughter, and Jimin's head jerks in his direction before he's lolling it back in frustration, hiding his face in his dainty hands. "Jesus, Yoongi. Group fuck? Seriously?" Yoongi can't deny it, so he just buries his stare in his own lap. "Like... nice pull obviously," he says gesturing at Jin, who looks momentarily pleased, "But really?" Jimin sighs and turns to Taehyung then. "Guessing you weren't invited to that particular gathering hon."
Taehyung shakes his head. "Nope." He pauses then. "Actually, yeah, what the fuck, guys? No invite?"
Yoongi huffs. "You, someone who does not like dick, are seriously mad that you didn’t get an invitation to what essentially amounted to a dick party? A gathering and celebration of dicks?"
"Well, yeah..." Taehyung pouts, "Would have been nice to at least be asked."
"Yeah, you guys should have at least asked. Rude," Jimin agrees, voice honey sweet as he strokes Taehyungs hair. "I'm sorry, honey, I'll invite you to the next dick party I go to. You're first on my list," Jimin assures him.
"Thank you," Taehyung huffs, glaring at Yoongi as he leans into Jimin's hand. Jin and Yoongi are looking at them like they can't believe their eyes.
"My absolute pleasure," Jimin purrs, giving him a once-over. The weight of his gaze has Taehyung squirming in his seat. "So... you're like 100 percent straight, buttercup?" Jimin asks him, and Taehyung gulps and laughs nervously.
Yoongi rolls his eyes. "Not again, Jimin."
"Shut the fuck up," Jimin says, smile not dimming one watt as he continues to look at Taehyung.
"I mean... maybe like... 99?" Taehyung responds uncertainly, feeling less and less certain by the second. Jimin smirks slightly at that, tongue darting out to moisten his lips. It seems like a habit, but Taehyung can't help his audible exhale. "98. Possibly." Jimin bites his lip in an effort not to laugh, and fuck he's got plump lips. Taehyung's mind goes all white noise, no thoughts to be found. "I... touched a dick at bible camp once."
Jimin laughs delightedly. "God he's adorable," he says to Jin and Yoongi before turning back to Taehyung. "You know, if you ever get tired of the straight and narrow, I'm perfectly plump and remarkably bendy."
Taehyung leans unconsciously forward, and Jimin straightens up with another giggle.
"Jimin..." Yoongi warns sternly, and Jimin pointedly turns his back on him.
"Anyway," Jimin continues like he hasn't heard, "You guys should drop by our shop sometime. It's called the Queen Bean, on 12th Ave. Business is booming, gayer than ever before. We've got a new Open Mic Night on Thursdays. Joon's got this new piece that that's like a sensual twist on Judith Butler? I dunno, it's ridiculous for my tastes, but all kinds of snobby academic types are coming out to see him. And Hope's got something new, too..." His voice is full of implication as he shoots Yoongi a significant look over his shoulder.
"Mmm," Yoongi hums appeasingly, clenching his teeth.
"Aren't you going to ask about it?"
"Nope," Yoongi says, swirling his beer around in the bottle.
Jimin stares at him for a moment before sighing heavily. Jin seems to sense the tension, because he suddenly jumps into the conversation. "The Queen sounds great," he adds politely.
"It’s a pretty cool place," Jimin confirms. "Coffee shop by day, wine bar by evening. Providing a safe and nonsexualized atmosphere for the queer community since 2013." His gaze shifts to Yoongi again, and Taehyung's got to give him credit, he really must have balls. "Yoongi used to come in to sketch and help us and other aspiring queens with costumes and shit, but as you know he hasn't been by in a while.”
Yoongi finally snaps, sliding his beer abruptly away and pushing his chair back so that he can stand. "When are you going to get off my dick?"
Jimin bristles, brows knit and shadows crossing his impeccably made-up face. "Maybe when you start at least pretending to give a semblance of a fuck about your friends again."
Yoongi inhales a deep, steadying breath, turning away briefly before facing Jimin once again. "Look, I didn't just up and leave for no reason. I don't expect you to understand-"
“Oh please. The whole world knew about your Hope drama. You two were so much less subtle than you seemed to think,” Jimin fires back, and Yoongi blanches very slightly. “Don’t you feel even a little bit bad?”
Yoongi’s back goes rigid, his fists clenched, and Taehyung fights the urge to step in front of Jimin. “Seriously?" Yoongi laughs bitterly and incredulously, and Taehyung isn't sure if he's imagining it, but his eyes look a little shiny. "I feel awful."
“Then maybe you should fucking act like it.”
Yoongi slams his fists on the table so hard that they're glasses vibrate warningly. "Fuck off Jimin, I'm getting enough of this from Namjoon. I don't need it from you, too." Yoongi kicks aside his chair which clatters to the floor with a bang, drawing the attention of those around them.
Then he's heading towards the exit without a look backwards. Jin curses and follows him. "Yoongi, wait!"
Taehyung and Jimin sit there staring after them for a few moments, until they disappear from view completely.
"Shit. I'm sorry," Jimin mutters, looking mildly ashamed now. "Didn't mean to ruin your night."
Taehyung shrugs. "My expectations for this night were already pretty much zero.”
"Still, I feel bad. Should we follow them?”
“Nah, Jin's got this," Taehyung assures him quickly, relishing the one-on-one opportunity he has been given.
"Are they like... together now?" Jimin asks, taking a small sip of his drink.
"I'm pretty sure that regardless of what they say, they're like an actual thing. Or at least they're going to be.”
“How do you know?”
“Can just tell,” Taehyung shrugs, nervously stirring his drink.
Jimin bites his bright red lower lip, nodding slightly. “I guess sometimes you can just tell.”
The way he says it has Taehyung’s eyes seeking out his face, searching it as his own face warms under Jimin’s heavy gaze.
“Yeah.” He clears his throat, breaking the spell. “Anyway tonight was always gonna be a bust. Third wheel and all. The most I could hope for was that I'd get a quarter chub if they got a little handsy with each other."
"I'm gonna go out on a limb and say 98% is a little high for you, baby." Jimin’s eyes brighten then, and he leans forward excitedly. “Hey, you wanna cup my butt?"
"Um. What?" Taehyung asks, head cocked, clearly believing that he has misheard.
“I've deprived you of your night’s entertainment, and earlier you seemed pretty interested in my butt. Wanna give it a good squeeze? I've been told my ass has a cheering effect on p-"
"Yes," Taehyung says so fast that he shocks himself. Apparently, he shocks Jimin, too.
"Wow, were you like... waiting for me to offer?"
"No. I've just turned down too many free samples at grocery stores by automatically declining before I could even actually consider. Missed out on too many opportunities. Now I say yes first, ask questions later. So yes, please, I would like to cup your butt."
Jimin considers him for a moment. "I like you." He claps his hands and springs lightly to his feet. "Now hop up and grope me before your friend gets back. I have a feeling he would never let you live it down."
"Good thinking," Taehyung says, pushing himself to his feet and wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans. "How do you wanna- OH okay," Taehyung squeaks, because Jimin is suddenly in front of him, face-to-face, and Taehyung feels a pair of tiny hands grasping at his own, dragging them behind Jimin and settling them firmly on his ass. Jimin's eyeline is just about level with his lips, and when he takes a step forward to give Taehyung better access, he can feel Jimin's breath on his neck. He suppresses a shiver.
Taehyung loves cupping butts, even just casually. There's something very comforting about it, he thinks, something easy, like holding a warm snuggly puppy. But not this time. Not if the stirring in Taehyung's lower body is any indication. He gives it a little squeeze, and he hears Jimin sigh and rest his head on Taehyung's shoulder.
"You have nice hands," Jimin says contentedly. "Most people's hands aren't big enough to really properly hold it. But yours are perfect."
"Thanks..." Taehyung responds uncertainly, trying to pretend like he isn't currently having a religious experience. That his dick isn't currently jumping up to praise the Lord. "Your... your butt is pretty great, too."
"Thanks," Jimin mumbles into his neck, "We should do this again sometime. And maybe other things that involve my butt."
Taehyung gets a little dizzy then, maybe because there is blood rushing to so many parts of his body that are not his brain, but he is saved from the feat of trying to formulate a response when he hears Jin's voice sigh, "What the fuck are you guys doing?"
Taehyung jumps back so hard he trips over his own heels, but luckily his momentum carries him directly into his chair, where he plops gracelessly. He keeps his face straight, crossing his legs. To give off an air of composure. And also, for other reasons.
"Hello Seokjin," Taehyung greets him, face radiating heat at this point. "You must be wondering what the fuck we were doing."
“Yes, Tae, I literally just said that.”
“And it’s a great question,” Taehyung chuckles a forced chuckle and then arranges his face into what he hopes is an innocent expression.
Jin regards him strangely for a few moments, clearly waiting for him to explain, but Taehyung blinks up at him blankly, hoping that he'll just forget.
"You... didn’t answer the question," Jin says, brows furrowed. Damn. Foiled.
"I just said it was a great question," Taehyung explains carefully. "I did not say I was going to answer it."
"You..." Jin mumbles with a look of mild disgust. He does not finish the thought.
"He was curious about my drag," Jimin answers for him. "He was convinced all of this," he grasps his own rear, and Taehyung suppresses a wave of arousal, "was padding, so I had to defend my ass's honor. Strictly business."
Jin rolls his eyes. "Okay well Mr. Definitely Not Gay, if you're done groping men for the night, Yoongi's gone. I'm not really feeling it anymore. Wanna go home?" Jin asks him, checking his phone, dropping it briefly to his side, then checking it again.
"I do not necessarily want to go home, but I do think I need to go home. Like, right now," Taehyung confirms, checking his pants situation. Not good.
"Or you could just say yes," Jin mumbles. "Well, it was great meeting you, Jimin. I have a feeling we'll be seeing you around. Come on, Tae."
Taehyung chances another glance at his dick, then back up at Jin. "Carry me?"
"What the fuck? Why?”
"Look, I'll... I'll buy you an entire Costco rotisserie chicken tomorrow, just... fucking carry me and don't ask questions," Taehyung pleads, eyes large as he subtly nods to his own crotch.
Jin sighs and walks over to Taehyung's chair, squatting down in front of him and offering his back.
"Bridal style," Taehyung clarifies, and just as Jin is about to complain, Taehyung hastily adds, "Believe me. It's better for us both this way."
Jimin swallows a snorting laugh.
"Fine," Jin groans, turning around and sweeping Taehyung into his arms. "See you, Jimin."
"Bye, Jin," Jimin replies, then flourishes his fingers in a coy wave directed at Taehyung, voice dropping an octave. "Bye, dollface."
As Jin retreats, struggling slightly under Taehyung's weight, Taehyung turns to shout over Jin's shoulder, spotting a flawless giggling Minnie in the crowd. "Bye! It was really nice- OUCH JIN YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, THAT WALL DID NOT JUST LEAP OUT OF – FUCKING OUCH, YOU MOTHERF-”
By the time they get home and Jin has tossed him carelessly onto the couch (Taehyung had resolutely refused to let Jin put him down, even well after his boner had subsided), Taehyung has talked himself down to 90% straight.
“How exactly are you calculating your straightness?" Jin asks incredulously as he rubs tenderly at his own back. "Like, what are the factors? What is the formula?”
Taehyung lounges back on the couch, ignoring him completely. “I mean… it's not that I don't want to be gay. Like… It's just. I've just never really properly considered it until now."
“I don't know if you realize this, but everything in your entire life has been leading up to this moment. Some could argue that you have lived a gayer life than me, and I don't know if you know this, but I'm extremely gay. Your lifestyle during college was straight out of an Oscar Wilde novel."
"I mean, sure, have I had some sexual thoughts about men? Yeah. Of course. Who hasn't. I just assumed I was straight because I never thought I'd want to actually date, woo, and marry one. I mean, I definitely like girls..." Taehyung ponders, gently tapping his chin with one finger. "But I also want to buy a 4-bedroom ranch-style home in the suburbs with Jimin and start a beautiful family together."
Jin rolls his eyes. "You hung out with him for 20 minutes."
"Don't be a grouch. Sometimes you just know." Taehyung pauses as he drags a throw pillow under his head. "I think I'm kinda gay."
Jin sighs, plopping down on the couch beside him. 'You know there are more options than just ‘gay’ right?”
“I know. Sexuality is fluid, blah blah blah. I think... I just need to do some research," Taehyung decides. "On butt stuff, too. I'm definitely still scared of butt stuff. I kinda wish you and me had boinked that one time.” Jin cringes, and Taehyung pauses. “Sorry. I forgot. I wish we had fucked,” he corrects himself with a deadly serious expression.
“Totally the part I was cringing at. Good read.”
Taehyung sighs. “I'll probably never see him again anyway." He is silent for a moment, then, "Hey Jin?”
"Will you do something for me?"
Jin's expression morphs into one of mild suspicion. "Maybe..."
“I thought about his butt and got a boner again.”
Jin look instantly scandalized, scrambling back on the couch. “Well I'm not jerking you off if that's what you're-”
“Ew! No. I was just gonna ask you to leave me to my throbbing shame stick.”
Jin looks vaguely disgusted but not surprised. “We're done speaking for the night."
“But if you're offering… You know... to-”
"Very fucking done."