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People tell Juyeon she's strange. Not that she minds, not that she really cares, though she's never really understood why. She was nice, she was friendly, pretty, even, at least to her own standards. She was always moving though, from one city to the next, one school to another, but she couldn't help that her father's work had her family moving constantly. She enjoyed it too, sometimes, when they went to new places, bigger places with clean air and warm breezes. She couldn't help her pre first day ritual either. It was something her mother had taught her around the first time she had to move to a new school, something to keep her worries in check so that she wouldn't be jittery and nervous the whole rest of the day. To her it didn't seem like much, just a simple routine, but to other people she supposed reciting the words to an old nursery rhyme like a mantra before she entered a classroom would seem pretty odd. There was just something comforting about hearing the same words she's heard since she was a child over and over again, and every time it managed to keep her nerves from getting too out of hand, so she never once thought about not doing it.
That said, she's now standing in front of the classroom door for her first lecture, in college. Maybe now that she's a part way adult she should be worried about how people view her, but it's just a habit she can't bring herself to give up. So she does what she always does, she stands in front of the closed door, presses her hands together and in front of her chest and whispers the words under her breath. Her eyes are closed too, but she can hear the whispers around her, ranging from 'Is she okay?' to 'That's so creepy!'. Did people have nothing better to do than to judge other people so blatantly?
"Hey," Someone else's voice reaches her ears, someone soft and sweet sounding, but probably with another complaint on their tongue, "you're all being a bit too rude. She's not harming anyone, is she? Just let her do what she needs to do."
At those words Juyeon whips her head around to look at who it was that had just so blindly stood up for her, despite not knowing anything about her. She hears something in the distance, something sharp and piercing, like an arrow flying through the wind. The sound gets closer and closer, and as soon as her eyes land on the person who had just spoken, the hallway is silent again. Ah, she thinks, her hand reaching to clutch at her chest, the arrow had went straight through her heart.
"I'm sorry about them," The girl says, looking right at Juyeon (another arrow launches itself into her chest, and it takes all of Juyeon's power not to topple over right then), "they're nice people once you get to know them, I promise!" She smiles so earnestly then, like she genuinely believed they were good people, like she believed Juyeon was a good person too.
Three. That makes three arrows now.
After a moment of silence, of Juyeon struggling to get the air through her lungs properly, she replies with a small shake of her head. "It's uh- no problem at all! Really. I understand how it could seem strange, it's just, um, something I do to ease my nerves a little."
"Oh! I see! Is it your first day as well?"
Juyeon nods, incapable of forming any more words to say it seems.
"That's great, I was hoping to find someone else my age around here. I'm Cheng Xiao, it's nice to meet you!"
Cheng Xiao, Cheng Xiao, Cheng Xiao, Cheng Xiao.
Must mean angel in Chinese.
"Juyeon— Son Juyeon."
The next couple seconds go by in a blur. Cheng Xiao reaches out to grab one of Juyeon's hands, says something about being friends, and then leaves for her lecture somewhere down the hall. Juyeon stands there for the next minute, stunned, one hand much, much, warmer than the other.
[ juyeon ]
OH MY GOD
[ eunbi ]
?????
[ juyeon ]
i met the love of my life today, no joke
[ eunbi ]
well that certainly isn't what i was expecting
[ juyeon ]
i'm freaking out
it's like she descended from the heavens
pinch me i must be dreaming
[ eunbi ]
i'll come over there and punch you if you want
now calm down and tell me everything
[ juyeon ]
rude
but okay
so you know that thing i always do before i go into a new class?
[ eunbi ]
how could i forget
i thought you were saying a prayer or smth when i saw it
[ juyeon ]
yes WELL
people were talking about it, as usual
and this, this angel, this beauty with a heart of gold
she went and defended me from everyone who was talking shit
[ eunbi ]
and?
[ juyeon ]
what do you mean AND????
[ eunbi ]
so you fell in love with her
just because of that
[ juyeon ]
i felt cUPID'S ARROW PIERCE THROUGH ME THE MOMENT I SAW HER
[ eunbi ]
what are you, an anime character?
[ juyeon ]
THE POINT IS
i am in love
and idk wht to do
[ eunbi ]
well how about you try asking her out then?
[ juyeon ]
WTF NO
it's too soon
i'm not ready for that
and i don't want to scare her away
what if it makes things awkward forever
[ eunbi ]
then try becoming her friend first?
[ juyeon ]
but what if i confess and then we can't go back to what our friendship was n she leaves me FOREVER
[ eunbi ]
okay fine don't listen to anything i'm saying then
[ juyeon ]
i'm NERVOUS
i've never been in love before ahhhhhh
[ eunbi ]
i don't even know if you can call this love
but first of all, breathe
second of all, just take it slow
just try talking to her
about literally anything
and then see where that takes you
[ juyeon ]
you're right
okay
that's what i'm gonna do
[ eunbi ]
you're welcome
[ juyeon ]
but AHHHH I'M STILL NERVOUSSSSSSS
[ eunbi ]
i'm going to sleep
[ juyeon ]
waiT
MY BIBY!!!!!!!!
DON'T LEAVE ME AS I'M HAVING A MELTDOWN
Juyeon knows that in a world where she had managed to fall head over heels for Cheng Xiao after just meeting her for the first time, that it would be no doubt other people would also take notice to the same things in her that Juyeon had fallen for. But she would've never predicted that Cheng Xiao's popularity would be this bad. She wanted to find where she was sitting at lunch so that they could spend it together, possibly, depending on whether Juyeon could get the right words out and whether Cheng Xiao would actually agree to or not. In her head she had imagined Cheng Xiao feeding her, face flushed and smiling, a far fetched fantasy she's sure could never come true. Reality was Juyeon walking face first into the massive line of people beside Cheng Xiao's lunch table, each one of them with a small gift in their hands. At first Juyeon was just confused, but then her eyes traced the line to the beginning, where there was a boy handing Cheng Xiao a box of chocolates with shaking hands. Cheng Xiao accepted it with a shy smile, adds it onto the growing list of other treats on her lunch table, and then the boy runs off, face completely red, and the next person in line steps up.
Juyeon stands there, mouth hung open, for the longest time. She didn't think that things like this actually happened in real life. Quickly, before anyone noticed, she snapped a picture of the scene and sent it to Eunbi.
[ juyeon ]
image attachment
tell me i'm just imagining this
[ eunbi ]
what.... is that
[ juyeon ]
people lining up ... to give ... .the love of my life... a present
[ eunbi ]
you sure have a lot of competition then, don't you?
[ juyeon ]
kill me
In the end Juyeon doesn't get to say a word to Cheng Xiao, all she could do was watch from afar, furiously ripping into her sandwich at the fact that fifty seven people were able to talk to Cheng Xiao and none of them were her. She noticed that no matter how many people Cheng Xiao had to go through, at the end her smile was still as wide as it had been in the beginning, still as genuine. Watching the unending optimism shine from her face was enough for Juyeon to fall even deeper, condemning herself to more torture. She thinks it might be worth it, just maybe, chasing the sun. Even if all she's doing is getting herself burned.
Classes for the rest of the day go by in a blink, Juyeon spending most of that time doodling Cheng Xiao's name in little hearts around her notebook or texting Eunbi under the table (she doesn't reply half the time, but Juyeon does it anyway). She manages to get away with this for most of the day, but unfortunately, in the one and only class she has with Cheng Xiao, is also the one and only class she gets caught. The professor forcefully pulls Juyeon's attention back to the front of the classroom with a loud call of her name. The tip of her ears start to burn as he slowly approaches where she's sitting, and then catches the hearts and Cheng Xiao's scribbled all over the page.
He laughs as he retreats back to the front, sporting a look that Juyeon was hoping wouldn't mean anything bad. "Juyeon-ssi, it would do you well to fill your book with notes rather than love hearts and Cheng Xiao's name."
Juyeon sinks in her seat, hoping that more than anything a hole would open up right at this moment and swallow her whole. Maybe Cheng Xiao hadn't heard it? The last thing she would want was for Cheng Xiao to realise her feelings before she had even had the chance to have a second conversation with her. She doesn't have to courage to check though, doesn't have the guts to just look back over to where the other girl was sitting, even though she'd been casting occasional glances the entire period. The rest of the class seemed to hear him loud and clear, as they were now either laughing at her, or understanding and agreeing with her sentiments. It was funny, kind of, and Juyeon felt like this was the first time the rest of the class had actually bothered to look at her, but her stomach was still tense with embarrassment and dread.
[ juyeon ]
i fucked up
[ eunbi ]
already?
[ juyeon ]
the professor ratted me out for writing her name all over my notebook
[ eunbi ]
don't tell me you drew the hearts as well
[ juyeon ]
:0
how did you know
[ eunbi ]
i'm your best friend
i know these things
[ juyeon ]
she hearD HIM
i'm doomed
[ eunbi ]
guess you have no choice but to confess now
[ juyeon ]
you're the worst
[ eunbi ]
you're the one who fucked up
[ juyeon ]
you could help at least a little!!!!
[ eunbi ]
this is me helping
[ juyeon ]
you stink
[ eunbi ]
good luck with your love life
[ juyeon ]
D:
With Eunbi proving to be no help, as usual, Juyeon just sets to continue with a different plan. To avoid Cheng Xiao at all costs instead. If she had heard what their professor had said in the classroom then she would definitely either be rejected, or rejected. So her plan was to avoid Cheng Xiao all together so that she wouldn't have to hear the words 'I'm sorry.'. Avoiding her completely might just be setting Juyeon up for another more indirect kind of rejection, but at least she would never have to face Cheng Xiao and hear those dreaded words.
But avoiding someone can only go so far, and just as Juyeon was starting to think she managed to escape to an empty classroom where she would never be found, Cheng Xiao walks right through the door and spots her.
Time for death, I guess.
"Juyeon, right?" Cheng Xiao says, as she steps closer. Had she been trying to find her?
Juyeon clears her throat, and then does so again just for good measure. "Yeah, that's me. What's up?"
What's up? Who even says that anymore? Way to sound lame, loser.
"I just, I wanted to talk to you about what the professor said in class earlier..." She trails off a bit at the end of the sentence, but she doesn't look sorry, or guilty. She's smiling actually, nothing big, but she's smiling still.
Maybe she wasn't going to be rejected after all?
"Ah, I'm sorry about that. It was kind of embarrassing." Juyeon hopes Cheng Xiao doesn't notice how red the tips of her ears are.
"That's okay. You were wondering how to spell my name, right?"
What?
"Since I'm Chinese, I get that a lot, but don't worry! I'll teach you."
Again, what?
"I don't have a pen or any paper on me right now, so, this will just have to do."
Before Juyeon can even take a second to breathe again, Cheng Xiao steps forward, and then forward again, and takes Juyeon's hand into hers. Juyeon doesn't even know what to do, let alone think, so her hand is limp in Cheng Xiao's as she turns it around so that the palm is facing up. Softly, slowly, Cheng Xiao starts to trace the Chinese characters of her name into Juyeon's palm. If Cheng Xiao wasn't holding onto her Juyeon's sure her legs would've gave out by now. When Cheng Xiao's done, she shoots Juyeon a bright, big smile, and as she's leaving, Juyeon gets struck again, and her legs really do give out that time.
Four. Four arrows.
That was definitely not a rejection.
[ juyeon ]
i'm never washing my left hand ever again
[ eunbi ]
what
Juyeon knows she's made progress. Whenever she runs into Cheng Xiao outside of class they're always exchanging small smiles and little waves, and every single time without fail, her heart manages to skip a beat. She wants for things to go a little further, she's sure anyone would in her situation, but she also wouldn't mind just basking in this distance for the rest of her life. It's not too little, not too much, it just causes a pleasant sort of warmth to surge through her. Maybe she's just worried if it gets much more than this, Cheng Xiao will end up being the death of her one day.
Just as she's starting to lose herself in her thoughts of Cheng Xiao (a very common occurrence), she feels something hit the back of her head. She turns, confused, only to find a scrunched up paper ball at her feet. Was this—? Was she being bullied? The thought itself seemed to scare her. She'd been teased a couple times as a kid sure, but she'd never actually been bullied before. She was entirely unprepared for this, her palms becoming sweaty as her hands reached for the paper on the ground. What if she would open it only to find a threat in there? She'd seen this sort of thing in movies but hadn't imagined that it would actually happen to her. What would she do if it was a threat? She's not sure she could afford to tell a teacher, what if the bullying just got worse after that? She swallows once, slow, as she opens the paper with trembling hands.
Did you hear about the surprise test the professor might be planning next week?
That was more tame than anything she had expected. Okay, so maybe she wasn't being bullied. But this, this harmless note, this meant that someone wanted to talk to her. To her. Someone actually wanted to pass notes with her. She'd only ever done something like this with Eunbi, but that was once or twice, and only because Eunbi had something she wanted to borrow from her. Juyeon turns around to see if she can find who sent her the note, and almost immediately she locks eyes with Cheng Xiao. There was no mistaking, not with the way Cheng Xiao's smiling at her, expectant. Cheng Xiao was the one who sent the note, Cheng Xiao was the one who wanted to talk to her. She could've definitely died right then and there, but she had a reply to make.
I did! I don't know why he wants to torture us like this D':
Writing the reply was hard, she had ended up scrapping about four before she managed to settle on something she deemed okay, but actually getting the reply back to Cheng Xiao was the real challenge. She could attempt to throw it, like Cheng Xiao had, but she knows that her aiming is terrible, and she knows that before the note would even reach her the professor would probably notice. Instead, she turns to the person sitting directly behind her, and whispers if she would pass the note to Cheng Xiao for her. Her classmate seems reluctant at first, but ultimately gives in, and gets the note to Cheng Xiao successfully.
I think he just likes to see us suffer :( Also I wanted to ask if you wanted to study together one day maybe?? I don't want to get a bad score for this test and I was thinking that studying with another person might help!
Juyeon chokes. Actually, very literally chokes. The people around her express varying degrees of surprise and concern, but she manages to get out a small 'I'm okay' before hiding her face behind her hands. She had half a mind to think about how much she had just embarrassed herself, but the other half was occupied with what she had just read. Cheng Xiao was asking her out on a study date. Cheng Xiao was asking her. Not the other way around. Juyeon kind of wanted to cry, but also kind of wanted to laugh. She manages to collect herself enough to write out another reply, even though the entire time her face is bright red.
That sounds like a good idea!! I would love to
She turns to catch Cheng Xiao's reaction, and it might've been a totally bad idea, because Cheng Xiao breaks out into a bright grin and looks up at Juyeon with eyes that were practically twinkling.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Well, there goes her heart again.
[ cheng xiao ]
when do you think we should meet??
[ juyeon ]
ah!! any time in the weekend would be alright
[ cheng xiao ]
i have dance practices on saturday, so would sunday work for you?
[ juyeon ]
sunday wld be great!!
i didn't know you were a dancer
[ cheng xiao ]
yeah, it's something i've been doing since i was a child
[ juyeon ]
that sounds really cool
i don't think i've done anything for that long
[ cheng xiao ]
i had planned on stopping once i got to college
but in the end i just couldn't give it up!!
[ juyeon ]
i think it's great that you're still dancing
[ cheng xiao ]
thank u : )
oh, it's getting a bit late
i think i might head off to bed now
good night!!
[ juyeon ]
night!!!
Juyeon's meant to be meeting Cheng Xiao at 11, but she'd already been waiting at the library since 10:20, a little too eager about the thought of spending some alone time with Cheng Xiao. She even made sure to wear the dress she had bought recently, something cute she'd seen in a store that she'd been too shy to wear out until now. She knows they're just studying, but she had wanted to look good. She spends the rest of the fourty minutes she has to wait playing one of her many phone games before Cheng Xiao finally walks through the doors. Juyeon wasn't expecting much, just for Cheng Xiao to look cute as she normally did, but it seemed Cheng Xiao was a little more dressed up than usual as well. She had her hair up in a high ponytail, and was wearing one of those light coloured skirts she saw all over the internet. She looked good, better than good. Juyeon short circuits for a moment, but then remembers why she's here and who she's with, and manages to gather herself enough to wave Cheng Xiao over to the table she's sitting at.
"You were here already? Were you waiting long?" Cheng Xiao asks, sitting down across from Juyeon.
Juyeon shakes her head. "Not really, I just got here a minute ago myself!"
"Should we get started then?"
They actually manage to get quite a bit of studying done in the next hour, although Juyeon's spending every second she can sneaking glances at Cheng Xiao when she isn't looking. Juyeon thinks she might actually stand a chance at passing the test next week, even though she barely paid any attention during the class and hated the subject with a passion. The only reason she showed up to every lesson was purely because Cheng Xiao was in the same class. If it weren't for her she's sure she would've flunked out already.
"Ah! It's twelve thirty already, I barely even noticed how much time had passed. Should we take a break and get something to eat?"
As if on cue, Juyeon stomach growls. Cheng Xiao laughs a bit and Juyeon deflates a little in embarrassment. "Yeah, food would definitely be nice right now."
They end up going to the nearest cafe, and get surrounded by couples out on dates. Juyeon doesn't know if it's a good thing or not, it makes this feel a bit more like an actual date, but also just makes her that more nervous being with Cheng Xiao. Although it feels as if her heart has been permanently set on overdrive, she doesn't have much to worry about. Keeping conversation with Cheng Xiao is easy, and fun, and Juyeon finds herself laughing a lot more than she had been expecting to. Of course, Cheng Xiao had to be beautiful on the outside and the inside. Juyeon feels she would've been better off if Cheng Xiao had just been a horrible person, maybe then she wouldn't be suffering so much, maybe then her heart would be at rest.
It's back to studying after lunch, though they get marginally less work done after their break. The studying after lunch was a lot more whispering and giggling under their breaths than it had been before. Juyeon wasn't sure why, or what had caused the change, but it was a change that was definitely welcome. She feels as she had crossed whatever gap there was between them, like Cheng Xiao was a lot less out of reach than she had been a couple days ago. Juyeon feels a tiny surge of hope, but she squashes it down for now. Getting her hopes up would only ruin everything she achieved up till now.
"I had a lot of fun today." Cheng Xiao's fiddling with the end of her skirt as she says this, looking a little shy.
Juyeon swallows the urge to scream. "Me too! I wasn't expecting to have such a good time studying, but I did."
Cheng Xiao smiles then, nothing particularly big or bright but small and sweet and comforting. "We should do this again some time, but with something a little less boring than studying."
"Definitely." Juyeon cries on the inside.
"Ah, that's my bus, I'll see you in class!"
Before Juyeon can register what's happening, Cheng Xiao has her wrapped in a hug, and then half runs onto the bus before she can say anything. Juyeon stands at the bus stop, frozen, looking like an idiot with her mouth open and both her ears burning.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Now Juyeon might be strange, and a bit airheaded, and she might even be a little dumb (at least according to Eunbi), but she was definitely not blind. She's nervous yes, hesitant of course, but she's not oblivious. This means that she can very clearly see the effect she's starting to have on Cheng Xiao. Rather than listening to the way her own heart beat increases to an alarming rate, she notices the way Cheng Xiao's cheeks stain a darker shade of red, the way she fiddles with her fingers under the table thinking that no one can see. But Juyeon tends to see everything about Cheng Xiao, and she's not so sure that was a good thing. It gave her that small, small push to thinking that her feelings for Cheng Xiao might just be reciprocated and that was probably the most dangerous thing she could be thinking. She'd had crushes before, sure, but they'd never quite been like this before, and not once had she ever thought about confessing her feelings. She didn't see how she could do anything else though, not with the way that Cheng Xiao lights up when they greet each other, or the way that Cheng Xiao laughs so whole heartedly at Juyeon's shit jokes, or the way that Cheng Xiao leans in close when Juyeon speaks, like she was naturally drawn to the other girl. No, Juyeon's sure that if she let this go on any longer without saying a thing then the spark will fizzle out before she would ever have the chance to even ask Cheng Xiao about it, and that thought, at least a while ago, had seemed scarier to her than facing a potential rejection.
She's standing in front of Cheng Xiao now though, red from head to toe, all the arrows that she had accumulated from the time since she'd first met the other girl laid out clearly in front of her. She felt naked and bare, like she was exposing every bit of herself to Cheng Xiao now as she tries to untangle the mess that was her confession into proper words and sentences that made sense. Eunbi had gone and gave her that whole pep talk last night as well, and here Juyeon was, messing it up as she does everything else.
[ juyeon ]
i think i might .... confess
[ eunbi ]
really?
that's surprising
you seemed pretty intent on holding it in for as long as you could
[ juyeon ]
:(
i just ... there's this tiny part of me that thinks she might actually feel the same
and i've thought about this enough to know that it's definitely not just my mind playing tricks on me
[ eunbi ]
so go for it
take what your heart wants
[ juyeon ]
but i'm scared ....
what if she says NO ???
what if she sees me crying n thinks im gross???!!!!!
[ eunbi ]
if all the things you've told me about her being an 'actual angel' is true
then you know she wouldn't think that
[ juyeon ]
i guess that's true ...
[ eunbi ]
and about her rejecting you
didn't you say there were signs that she liked you back?
[ juyeon ]
well yeah ...
at least i THINK so
i could be wrong ...
[ eunbi ]
you tend to be a bit dense so the fact that even you noticed it
must mean that there's definitely something there
[ juyeon ]
.....
so ....
i should confess then???
[ eunbi ]
if you want to
do you want to?
[ juyeon ]
i
yes ???
maybe ?????
i think i do
i want to know how she feels
[ eunbi ]
even if you might get your heart broken?
[ juyeon ]
if it means that there's a chance she might like me back then ...
that's a risk i'm willing to take
[ eunbi ]
you're all grown up now, aren't you?
good luck
[ juyeon ]
ahHHHH i'm nervous already
[ eunbi ]
if you do end up getting dumped
i'll mail over some tissues and ice cream
[ juyeon ]
D:
Thinking back on it now, there wasn't much actual pep in that talk, but it had given her the temporary courage she needed to ask Cheng Xiao if she was free to have a 'talk' after school. It was awkward, leading Cheng Xiao to the classroom Juyeon had wanted to confess in, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't relax her stiff shoulders.
"What did you want to talk about?" Cheng Xiao had asked, curious.
Juyeon could barely even get a sound out of her throat, but managed a shaky breath. Cheng Xiao looked concerned for a moment, but then Juyeon had started to speak slowly.
"This might sound like it's coming out of nowhere, or it might not, I don't know. Maybe you're more perceptive than I think you are, maybe you've known all along and you were just-" and then she stopped, shook her head, and took another breath, "I mean. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. Ever since we first met I've kind of, always had a thing for you. Ever since that moment in the hallway when you stood up for me without hesitation my heart's sort of, never been the same. You know... the first time I heard about cupid and his arrow, I kind of thought the whole idea was ridiculous. Who would want to get stung by an arrow, even if it meant falling in love? That's what I thought, but the first time I saw you, I swear I felt cupid's arrow and I knew, I just knew that I was in love. I know it sounds stupid, and a little crazy now that I'm hearing it out loud for the first time, but it's what I really felt- feel. I started getting to know you, and I didn't even know it was possible at the time, but the more time I spent around you, the deeper I could feel myself falling. And I know I might be wrong, that those looks I think I see you giving me might just be my imagination, and that I might be butchering the friendship we have, but I feel something there, between us. So, I just want to ask, just want to know, if maybe you feel the same? And if you might, maybe want to go on a date with me? A real date, where we can hold hands and do all that... stuff, not like any of our study dates so far."
Juyeon had no idea how she had managed to get that whole speech out without losing her breath, but she had managed to get what she wanted out there, now all that was left was for Cheng Xiao to break her heart into tiny pieces.
Or, Eunbi's voice hisses in Juyeon's head, she tells you she feels the same and you stop being such a pessimistic pain in the ass.
At the start of Juyeon's confession Cheng Xiao had looked surprised, then her cheeks had burned bright red, and towards the end her expression had cooled into something more neutral, and calculating, and something that Juyeon couldn't read. It made her nervous, made her stomach twist in uncomfortable ways as the silence stretched on, Cheng Xiao's answer hanging in the air.
It seemed like years later (but was probably only a few seconds) before Cheng Xiao finally responded.
"I didn't know you felt this way." She said, biting down on her lip, "I'm not really sure what to say to all that. I never actually imagined someone would ever fall in love with me, you know? It was still sort of, far away, at least for me, so this was all a bit surprising. But I, uh, thank you. I can't say that I'm in love with you too... at least not right now, but I think I'm getting there, so, I'd love to go on a date with you, a real, proper date."
Juyeon's soul ascends, catches its first glimpse of heaven, and dives back down as a new series of arrows burst through Juyeon's chest. It didn't seem like cupid was done with Juyeon just yet, and when Cheng Xiao timidly tucks her hand into Juyeon's as they walk home together, she knows she wouldn't have it any other way.