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Maximum Thrustitude

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[Log 8008135, July 22nd, 7001]

 

[Welcome to terminal 80085-R-S0F7! This Computer can interface with all standardized neural requests and respond to auditory and tactile stimulus. This Computer has access to all records of all classification levels, and is equipped for both retrieval and analysis of the data contained in those files.]

 

[How may I assist you?]

 

[…]

 

[Data Request received]

 

[You need clearance to access some of the matching files. Please input your clearance code.]

 

[…]

 

[Validating clearance…

…]

 

[Access Granted.]

 

[Scanning using the specified search terms…

…]

 

[The request is taking longer than expected. Would you like some soothing music while you wait?]

 

[…]

 

[Request received. Playing file 675987668343 B: Before and After - Artist: Rush]

 

[Your search has returned (1) file.]

 

[Reading…

…]

 

[Title: “Maximum Thrustitude”

Subject: Recorded events of July 14, 2015 to July 15th, 6969

Keywords: Time Criminals, Inappropriate use of language, inappropriate use of humanoid structures, (redacted), abuse of time, Ninjas, historical events.]

 

[Disclaimer: The author of the file would like all those attempting to access this record to be aware that it is a full account of the events involving the time criminals “Danny Sexbang” and “Ninja Brian” (full names unknown). All data contained within has been verified by the Time Psychics to be concurrent with that of other witnesses and appropriately congruent with the time stream. The content in this file is entirely true, based on factual events that occurred in the year 6969 as recorded by the Time Courts and upheld as historically accurate by the full extend of the law. It is not at all a work of fiction based on a comedic song written by a band whose members are themselves donning performative personas for comedic purposes. That would be ridiculous.]

 

[Disclaimer 2: The data recorded in this file may cause brain bleeds. Experts cannot agree if it is caused by awesomeness or stupidity.]

 

[This Computer has analyzed common human thought processes against the data contained in this file, and it has determined that you would probably be better off spending your time meditating or learning a new language. Hug a loved one or pet a small, fur-covered animal. Turn around and forget that this file ever existed. It would be better for us all if you did so.]

 

[Still here? Very well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, though.]