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The Outside Take

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“No no no! You don’t want him, he’s got this horrible wart on his butt.”

“How the hell do you know that?!”

“Exercise, June 25th, 1994, Chemical warfare unit. We got splashed, had to go through detox.”

“You did it just to get naked with him.”

“Well yeah, but after the wart-”

Peals of laughter rang out from the table as Lieutenant Diannon (Shel to her friends) knocked down another drink and slammed the glass down. Shots was always more fun with a large group, and now that they had a fifth member, it was even better.

Around the table from her, at her immediate left was Lieutenant Adele Hammonds, a tiny blonde explosives expert. She was quiet, sweet tempered, and had a penchant for setting up man sized dummies with distinguishing characteristics…and blowing them up when she was upset.

Beside her, Sergeant Mica Holtsten of air control was fiddling with a bendy straw, attempting to make some sort of structure out of the ones she’d gotten from previous drinks. She wasn’t a social drinker, and when they managed to convince her to come to these things, she always downed the drinks fast and got buzzed quick. She was normally composed, totally humorless and solid, but when she got out with the girls, she was a giggling machine. Right now he dark hair was sticking up at odd angles, making her look a bit like a Puerto Rican chupacabra.

Next to Mica, a little stiff and nervous, sat the newest addition to her drinking group, another Lieutenant named Hannah Asley. She worked in the supply offices. Her red hair was cut far too short for her face, she was a little shy, but all in all, she was a good kid.

To her immediate left sat Sergeant Ariel Boaz, a tough brunette. She was a firearms expert, and a known good shot. After that weekend in Colorado, Shel had opted out of every ‘training’ mission involving Ariel and paintballs. Ever.

As the laughter died down, it was up to another of the group to come up with a suitable man to date. She wasn’t sure how this conversation got started, but like most conversations fueled by alcohol, it just kept going.

“That supply officer, wotshisname…Clive! He’s cute.”

“I’d tap that.” Mica slurred.

“You’d tap anything right now.” Adele said with a grin. Mica tapped the table in response.

“Is he the uh…” Hannah began, then blushed. Immediately, all the girls began shaking their heads.

“Oh no. You’re thinking of Peck! Clive is the one with that crooked tooth.”

“Eww…”

“Oh, like you don’t have crooked teeth. Ariel, back me up. Shel has crooked teeth.”

“That‘s messed up, girl.”

“Peck doesn’t have crooked teeth.”

“He has a nice ass.”

“I’d tap it.”

“I have tapped it.” Ariel said smugly.

“Me too.” she and Adele fist bumped over the table.

“How was it?” Mica asked wistfully.

“All you heard and more. Very nice.”

“He does that thing with his tongue-”

“Knocks your socks off.”

“Great night…”

“Lousy morning. He likes to leave with a note.”

They both give a dramatic sigh, then burst into giggles.

“He’s great. If you have the chance to try him out, you should.” Ariel grinned when the giggling subsided.

“You keep your pretty boys.” Shel said airily. “I like the men with a little more…experience.”

“How much more experienced is Peck going to get?”

“I think she’s talking about Colonel Smith. You know Shelly has a thing for old men.”

“Hey hey hey!” Shel points at Mica. “I have a thing for Silver Foxes, not old men. And don’t call me Shelly.”

Mica sticks her tongue out at her. Mica is a fun drunk.

“Can you imagine though?” Adele was grinning. “You’d be sitting at a desk, he’d come in… ‘I have a plan for you, Shel’…He’s always going on about how he loves it when plans come together, maybe he plans those things in advance too…”

“Oh god…” By this moment Ariel has dissolved into helpless giggles. “C--come!”

“We lost Ariel to basic innuendo. The war was hard fought.” Shel watched as her companion changed color.

“Hard!” Her head fell to the table as she tried to take a deep breath while laughing. Ariel was a fun drunk too.

“Well, we might as well do the rest if we’re talking about Colonel Smith’s unit.” Mica said reasonably.

“Do…unit!” Ariel started shaking so hard that she was shaking the table.

“Anybody been with Baracus?”

Micah raised a hand, narrowly missing her tiny tower of straws.

“You’re kidding.” Shel’s jaw dropped. “Tell! All the details! Is he big? Is he good? Can he really pick you up with one hand?”

“Yes…Yes…Not sure, but probably yes, cause we really didn’t get to that. We were busy.” She waggled her eyebrows for emphasis. Ariel managed to calm down enough to listen.

“And?! Spill!”

“It was a good week. We both had leave at the same time, we’d been flirting, but he was about to go on mission, and I wanted to give him something to keep him warm, so we rented this hotel room. We didn’t leave until we ran out of food. He’s a bit like a giant teddy…warm, and soft…gentle. He likes to cuddle, which is so cute.”

Matching cries of adoration came from the table. Even Hannah uttered one.

“He felt bad about leaving, but he came back on base about six months later…I had seen other people, so did he. I still like him. He was a sweetie.”

“Brought to you by Hallmark.”

“Shut it Diannon. You’re just jealous.”

“Actually, I kind of am.”

“Yeah, but you still got your Silver Fox fetish.”

“What about the other one?”

They all look at Hannah. She blushes a little. “I mean, isn’t there four?”

“Oh yeah…I almost forgot about him”

“I won’t.” grumbled Mica. “Crazy ass.”

“Is he really as bad as they say?” Hannah blinked.

“He did a flip in a Chinook the other day. I think the laws of physics and the world in general cry when it comes to him.” Mica groused.

“Can you even flip a Chinook?!”

“Murdock apparently can. And did right outside of the flight control tower. I think he does it to spite me.”

“Maybe he likes you, and he’s trying to get your attention.”

“Bullshit. He likes to do it, because we told him not too.”

“Yeah, but would you do him?” Adele prompted. Hannah seemed relieved at the change of subject.

“…Yeah. Maybe. No. I don’t know. I mean, I hear he has lots of problems. What if he’s like the army version of Michael Myers, he’ll come to my hometown because I pushed him down a well and now he wants my dreams and to kill me?”

“….What?”

“I think she may be too drunk to keep her horror movies straight.”
“No more bendy straw drinks for you.”

“Has anyone been with him?” Hannah seemed a bit fixated on that. Maybe she had a little crush.

The heads at the table consider, then shake their heads.

“I bet he’d be inventive in bed. And maybe you’d need to comfort him.” Adele said, lost in thought. She had a thing for sensitive men.

“You know, I’ve never seen him with any girl.” Ariel said, cocking her head to the side.

“Maybe he never found the right one?”

“Maybe he’s…” Ariel waggled her eyebrows.

“An axe murderer?”

“Mica, focus.”

“I don’t even want to think that. Why do we always assume the pretty ones are gay?” Adele groaned.

“We don’t assume that. Look at Peck.” Shel said reasonably.

“Is he here?”

“Mica, how many drinks have you had?”

Hannah was shaking. At first Shel was worried that she was upset, but then laughter bubbled out of her, the first real laugh all night.

“Oh my gosh! What if they were!”

“Who were?”

“Peck and Murdock!”

“…Well, they do spend a lot of time together…”

“And they are always touching.”

“…That would be kind of sexy.”

“Ariel, you scare me sometimes.”

“Well, if men can fantasize about women being together, why can’t we? You have to admit…Two sweaty, naked men…”

“I need another drink.”

“I think we all do, Micah.”

“Oh my god…” Hannah’s eyes are as big as saucers.

Shel looks behind and sees, not one, but two devils.

“They’re here!”

“Shut up Shel, you’re too loud!” Adele grabbed her by the shoulder so she would face the group. “You are supposed to be clandestine ops!”

“To be fair, I’m usually not drunk at that time.”

The table died down to whispers and furtive glances as the two men sat across the bar at a booth. In stead of sitting across the booth like a normal pair of men, they had sat on one side, shoulders and hips touching as they perused the menu.

“That is totally not the behavior of straight men!” Ariel said, trying not to look like they were watching.

“Like you would know. Remember Agent Connell of the FBI?”

“Low blow, sister.”

“Maybe they’re just really good friends.” Hannah said.

A low groan sounded through the table.

“Now you jinxed it. They’re sleeping together. Cross Peck and Murdock off the list.” Shel huffed.

“What?”

“It’s like saying so far so good. You’ve doomed us all.”

“Oh…Murdock just kissed Peck on the cheek.”

Four other heads snapped to the side to see Face bump Murdock’s shoulder playfully, a happy grin on his face. They look for a moment, then all turn slowly in.

After a few moments, one of them offered, “They look cute together.”

“Yeah…so…what about Sergeant Donner in supply?”

“He’s cute, but I think he may be married.”

“No, that line around his ring finger is from an accident with some bleach.”

“Weird.”

“Oh that’s nothing. I heard Corporal Rivers from Headquarters only has one…”

Across the room, two men enjoying the ambiance, atmosphere and cheese fries sat in a booth. One turns to his companion.

“They ain’t talkin’ about us no more, Facey.”

The other man shrugged, more content to enjoy simple contact then to go rabblerousing with a pack of gorgeous women. Which just proved how much effect Murdock had on him.

He turned to Murdock. “After this, you want to go to my place, watch a movie?”

“How many times have you asked that and how may times have we actually watched movies?”

“Are you complaining?”

“Of course not. But I get to pick.”