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Dial 1800 to Reach Your Drunk Boyfriend

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[12/24 11:31PM] Bakugou: hey

[12/24 11:31PM] Deku: Hi kacchan! It’s almost Christmas!

[12/24 11:31PM] Deku: Im having fun here. The whole agency is here and we’re going to exchange gifts and everything later

[12/24 11:31PM] Deku: It’s really fun but I missed you a lot so I slipped out while Uraraka grabbed some sort of book from the shelf

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: And im glad you texted me!

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: I wish you were here

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: Oh

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: Wait I think she grabbed our old middle school yearbook and I think she might be scribbling on your face

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: Haha…

[12/24 11:32PM] Deku: I know you don’t really get along with her and she’s currently drawing flower crowns all over your pictures but

[12/24 11:33PM] Deku: Sheisareallygoodfriendpleasedontkillher

[12/24 11:33PM] Bakugou: izuku

[12/24 11:33PM] Deku: Y-yes?

[12/24 11:39PM] Deku: Kacchan?

[12/24 11:45PM] Deku: K-katsuki, are you still there?

[12/24 11:46PM] Bakugou: izuku, are you single?

[12/24 11:46PM] Deku: What

[12/24 11:46PM] Deku: Is this a joke


[12/24 11:47PM] Bakugou: FUCK YOU

[12/24 11:48PM] Deku: Oh! Sorry…

[12/24 11:48PM] Deku: Um… I’m not sure what the correct answer to this is?

[12/24 11:49PM] Bakugou: it’s a yes or no answer fuckface

[12/24 11:49PM] Deku: Um… then I guess that’s a no. I’m dating someone

[12/24 11:55PM] Deku: Kacchan, are you sure you’re okay?

[12/24 11:55PM] Bakugou: FUCK

[12/24 11:55PM] Deku: Kacchan, you’re seriously worrying me

[12/24 11:56PM] Bakugou: i… i don’t understand

[12/24 11:56PM] Deku: ???????

[12/24 11:56PM] Deku: What don’t you understand? Did I do something wrong?

[12/24 11:57PM] Bakugou: OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DID

[12/24 11:57PM] Bakugou: WHY ARE YOU DATING SOMEONE

[12/24 11:57PM] Bakugou: WE PROMISED WE’D GET MARRIED

[12/24 11:57PM] Bakugou: I FUCKING KNEW YOU’D FORGET

[12/24 11:57PM] Deku: Um… kacchan? You know I’m dating you, right?

[12/24 11:58PM] Bakugou: FUCK YOU


[12/24 11:59PM] Bakugou: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT


[12/24 11:59PM] Bakugou: FUCK

[12/24 11:59PM] Bakugou: I HATE EVERYTHING

[12/24 11:59PM] Deku: …

[12/24 11:59PM] Deku: Kacchan, are you drunk?

[12/24 11:59PM] Deku: Kacchan?

[12/25 12:00AM] Deku: …merry Christmas, by the way

To be fair, this whole thing was All Might’s fault.

First of all, what kind of name is All Might, anyway? The lame kind, that’s what. The name wasn’t intimidating at all. All Might what? Al might kick your ass? That was fucking stupid. As if villains would ever be scared of a plain man named Al who couldn’t even be definitely sure that he was going to kick your ass. Need to get your ass kicked? Bakugou Katsuki’s ass kicking services are open twenty four seven, except during lunch times because that’s when Todoroki is scheduled to get his ass kicked daily, and at seven in the evening, because that’s when the All Might documentary reruns are.

You know what the name needed? Some killing and explosions in it. So he wanted to keep the Might part? Fine. And he wanted to keep the All part because maybe his middle school sweetheart’s name or something was Al? Fucking whatever. He could just be Kinglord All Might Kills or something badass like that.

…oh shit. That was actually a good name. Maybe he should take it for himself. Deku probably wouldn’t approve, but Deku probably liked shit like ‘All Might Jr.’ or ‘Super All Might’, so what-fucking-ever. Clearly he was the better namer here in this relationship.

So this was all Kinglord’s fault. He should’ve known better to put him and Todoroki on a patrol together, because honestly the last time the two were in the same room together, there had been a dodgeball battle that had ended up with Mineta’s balls scattered all around the room and the rest of the agency near death, because Bakugou has no chill and Todoroki doesn’t like to lose, and really, they’re probably the worst possible partner combination possible, except maybe an All Might and Endeavor duo that could quite possibly make the world stop spinning.

It’s not Bakugou’s fault that he started snickering when a little kid runs up to Todoroki and asks him if he was trying to cosplay a Voltorb pokemon with that dye job of his. And it’s definitely not Bakugou’s fault when he throws a rock at Todoroki’s head trying to capture him. Who does Todoroki think he is to deny Bakugou of his pokemon trainer ambitions? Fuck him.

Unfortunately, because Todoroki doesn’t like to lose, he pelts a few rocks back at him, except Todoroki is exceptionally petty and freezes the rocks so that they’re all sharp and pointy and ugly, just like his damn face. And because Bakugou has no chill, he in turn explodes a tree in his face, because he was standing next to a tree, and why the fuck not, why wouldn’t you explode a tree when it’s conveniently right next to you.

They end up destroying the playground and the police come over and they make up a whole imaginary villain fight against this imaginary sludge-like villain to get out of trouble. Todoroki tells the police it was purple while Bakugou said that it was green, and Todoroki said that it fled through the sewer while Bakugou said that it died trying to run away, but other than these major discrepancies, their stories matched up perfectly. The public eats it up and wow, if Endeavor knew beating up other heroes could get him popularity, maybe he would’ve become a villain a long time ago, so that Bakugou could legally beat him up.

He can’t technically murder the number two hero right now though, so he starts showing up at Endeavor’s crime scenes with his gauntlets full of water. It’s hell to dry off afterwards, and by hell to dry off he means it’s hell to listen to Deku whine when Bakugou makes him dry them off, but the look on Endeavor’s face when he gets flung backwards by a jet of water makes it all worth it.

The only bad thing about this whole thing is that it makes Todoroki happy, which is shit, because Todoroki should never be happy. Fuck him. He can just take those toy cockroaches he has hidden in his coat and get the fuck out and be a moody bitch in some sewer for the rest of his life. Maybe he can even be friends with that imaginary sludge villain; they’re both made of trash after all.

So the playground incident is resolved and everyone is happy except fucking All Might, who always seems to have to stick his long and ugly ass nose in everything. He gets the idea that Bakugou needs to learn to work on his patience and self-restraint, and Bakugou doesn’t know where he gets that from, because he’s always mad fucking calm thank you very much. People think that he’s villainous? No, he doesn’t give enough of a fuck about anyone else to actually care enough to ruin their lives, except maybe Todoroki, because he’s a bitch and his hero costume is the ugliest thing that the world has seen since Todoroki’s own pudgy-ass face came out.

All Might decides to make his worst decisions ever, which is saying something for a guy who asked Endeavor if they could cosplay together for Halloween. The first is that Todoroki also needs to work on his patience, which is damn stupid, because the only thing that piece of shit has going for him is his goddamn patience and his ability to utterly bore the fuck out of you without even opening his mouth.

The second is that All Might sends him and Todoroki to hell.

Bakugou is not afraid of most things. He wasn’t scared when All Might Detroit smashed him off a cliff for asking if he could kiss Deku (he did it anyway because he’s a goddamn badass, not because he’s a horny teenager, like the rest of the agency thinks) and he wasn’t scared during his first villain attack because he had Deku’s annoying voice chiming in his ear the whole time telling him what to do like a damn nerd sharing his creepy stalker notes and it’s so damn weird to know that Deku how his body works better than he does.

There are only really three things that Bakugou is afraid of.

  1. His mom.
  2. Waking up and finding out Deku and Mineta switched bodies.
  3. Sunny Shine Shine Daycare.

Because really, what the fuck.

[12/25 12:31AM] Bakugou: msdlfkjsdf

[12/25 12:31AM] Deku: Oh you’re back! I was really worried about you

[12/25 12:35AM] Bakugou: wh the fuck are yo and how dif you ger my numbsdkl

[12/25 12:35AM] Deku: …

[12/25 12:35AM] Deku: Are you feeling okay? I know you don’t have the highest alcohol tolerance

[12/25 12:35AM] Bakugou: oh fuxk you im not drunk

[12/25 12:35AM] Bakugou: …

[12/25 12:35AM] Bakugou: why does ir say your nam is fucking deku

[12/25 12:35AM] Bakugou: your name is fuckin useless??????????

[12/25 12:36AM] Deku: Err yeah, I suppose so

[12/25 12:36AM] Bakugou: hahahahah

[12/25 12:36AM] Bakugou: hahahahahahahahah

[12/25 12:37AM] Bakugou: hah

[12/25 12:38AM] Deku: That wasn’t very nice

[12/25 12:38AM] Bakugou: go fuc yourself on a trash can

[12/25 12:39AM] Deku: I do, when you’re not drunk

[12/25 12:39AM] Bakugou: what the hel does tha mean

[12/25 12:40AM] Deku: Nothing

The agency’s weekly Smash Bros night turns into a nickname contest to see who can name each other’s character the weirdest and wackiest things possible. So naturally Bakugou thinks that he has this in the bag, because the rest of these fuckers can’t even compare up to his creativity.

He wins Mineta’s category because Purple Balls has become a universal nickname in the agency. And if he has to say the phrase ‘wins Mineta’s category’ in a sentence ever again he’s going to swallow that disgusting dye that Todoroki uses to bleach his hair.

“It’s natural,” Todoroki says, the same way Bakugou’s going to naturally shove his middle finger up Todoroki’s ass.

Bakugou doesn’t win any of the other categories, which is fucking stupid, not even Deku’s because even though that nickname is his—he has it copyrighted and written his name all over it and shit—Uraraka wins because fucking bullshit. That bitch just stole his nickname and gets all the glory. So maybe he didn’t mean the nicest things when he first came up with it and maybe Uraraka did, but what the fuck, since when did this bunch of losers start caring about morality? They sure fucking didn’t when they were laughing when he slipped in the kitchen last week and almost cracked his head on the counter.

He calls Uraraka a McDonald’s burger and she levitates him out the window because she’s a goddamn morality compass.

He doesn’t win Todoroki’s either, which is dumb. He’s particularly proud of his ‘blood-stained marshmallow’ but apparently that’s not okay either because heroes have to censor the shit out of violent words to not scare the children. Bakugou thinks that it doesn’t matter either way because as soon as kids see that stoned face of his, they’ll be running away screaming.

Kirishima suggests ‘liquid-life-stained marshmallow’ instead and it gets accepted and Bakugou’s a little bit pissed that once again he didn’t get credit for his creation, but he’ll take it as Todoroki’s nickname because it sounds dumb as fuck.

His nickname ends up being Kacchan, because, well, because of Fucking Deku. He’s learned over the years that Deku’s not too bad when he shuts the fuck up, because when he opens his mouth, shit like this comes out of it and then Bakugou has to be stuck getting called Kacchan because by the time he throws a shitfit and everything, the name’s already stuck.

How lame does ‘The Kacchan Agency’ sound? It sounds pretty fucking lame.

He ends up being ranked last in the agency’s nicknaming contest, which is actually offensive, since he is ranked below Mineta whose only contributions have been calling Uraraka ‘boobs’ and everyone else ‘no boobs’ and All Might ‘maybe a little boobs’.

But Bakugou thinks that even if the rest of the agency doesn’t appreciate his nicknaming sense, they should be happy that he wasn’t as bad as the fucker who came up with the name for Sunny Shine Shine Daycare, because the sun literally does not shine from that hellhole.

[12/25 01:04AM] Bakugou: hey you fucker!

[12/25 01:04AM] Bakugou: you still there?!

[12/25 01:05AM] Deku: Yes, hi

[12/25 01:05AM] Deku: Are you feeling better?

[12/25 01:06AM] Bakugou: yes because i just threw up all over a stop sign

[12/25 01:06AM] Deku: Oh. Um

[12/25 01:06AM] Deku: Make sure to clean it up!

[12/25 01:06AM] Bakugou: oh it wasn’t a stop sign

[12/25 01:07AM] Bakugou: it was todoroki

The agency decided to go to the beach one day during the summer, which was fucking dumb, because it was only five hundred and twenty seven degrees outside and Todoroki made it a point to make sure that Bakugou was always standing to his left so he could feel the full brunt of his heat quirk because fuck him. Why do girls even like that fucker anyway? He literally stands there the whole day and whines about his dad because there’s nothing else interesting about him other than his daddy problems.

Also why the fuck was Deku shirtless?   

He tries to force Deku back into his hero costume, because while the rabbit ears aren’t that bad and Bakugou enjoys pulling on them and they’re good for wiping shit up when there isn’t a towel around, he knows that overall speaking that thing is ugly as hell and maybe people will stop staring at Deku’s abs, and how did he even get that jacked, he literally sits in a room all day and reads book like the fucking nerd that he is. Deku runs away from him because he’s scared of something trivial like heat stroke, but Bakugou is going to be the number one hero, he can beat a damn heat stroke into oblivion if he wants to.

Bakugou had been planning to just sit under the umbrella all day and sulk about life and scream at anyone who came near him, because the ocean makes him feel weak and he’s been told he looks like Todoroki’s damn obese cat when his hair is wet, but they only brought one umbrella, and he finds it already occupied by an All Might wearing nothing but speedos, and there was no way in hell he was going anywhere near that five hundred pounds of muscles waxing poetry about justice.

They end up having a chicken fight in the ocean, with Deku sitting on top of Bakugou’s shoulders, Kirishima on top of Todoroki and Uraraka on top of Iida. No one wants Mineta so he is forced to sit under the umbrella with All Might, but unfortunately for him, none of the girls seem to want to go anywhere near the speedos of doom so he is stuck instead trying to bury himself in the sand.

The chicken fight between the three pairs goes about as well as anyone expects. Todoroki, to no one’s surprise, is nonchalantly going around trying to pull down Bakugou’s shorts underwater and then acting like he’s not doing it. Bakugou retaliates by trying to kick him in the balls, but unfortunately he misses, and he kicks Iida in the crotch instead. Iida’s scream of horror is fucking painful and Bakugou would have just surrendered the match right there—winning be damned, that shit is the same as nails on a chalkboard—but thankfully Uraraka falls from his shoulders and ends up dunking his whole head underwater. Iida, as it turns out, can’t fucking swim and nearly drowns in two feet of water, because who wouldn’t get into the ocean when you couldn’t swim? Fucking dumbass.

Well, it wouldn’t be an Explodo-kill Agency outing if there wasn’t at least one near death experience.

Bakugou tries his damn hardest to make it two. He really does. He can’t really do explosions underwater but there are a lot of other certified, respectable tactics that he can use, like head-butting Todoroki and spitting ocean water in his face. Todoroki freezes Bakugou’s feet to the bottom because fuck him and his rule breaking, and so Bakugou launches Deku at his face and ends up being declared the winner.

He doesn’t feel like a winner a couple hours later, though, when his feet are still frozen to the bottom of the ocean and his own damn boyfriend won’t even help him because apparently Deku ‘doesn’t like being tossed around like a sack of potatoes’ or some shit, and he’s supposed to be self-reflecting like some shitty brat, but Deku won’t come back even after Bakugou spits a couple of (insincere) sorrys at him because Deku’s supposed to be the nice one in this relationship.

Fuck feelings. Feelings are hard.

[12/25 01:28AM] Deku: Um, do you want to talk about it?

[12/25 01:28AM] Bakugou: tak bout what

[12/25 01:28AM] Deku: Why you’re suddenly like this!

[12/25 01:29AM] Deku: You went to do some work at that daycare place, right? Why are you suddenly drunk at a bar

[12/25 01:30AM] Bakugou: a man walks into a bar

[12/25 01:30AM] Bakugou: and then he

[12/25 01:30AM] Bakugou: aflksdjfl

[12/25 01:31AM] Bakugou: fuck i dropped my phone i didn’t hear the punchline


[12/25 01:32AM] Bakugou: oh fuc he’s crying because no one laughed what do i do

[12/25 01:33AM] Deku: …

[12/25 01:33AM] Deku: Is todoroki-kun also drunk

It takes Bakugou and Todoroki a good hour longer to get to the daycare, because they couldn’t decide who would drive, so Bakugou ends up controlling the steering wheel and windshield wipers while Todoroki gets the gas pedal and the horn. Todoroki has great fun honking the horn at random intervals to piss Bakugou off while sporadically hitting the breaks and flinging Bakugou forward due to whiplash. Bakugou in turn swerves to the left so that Todoroki face plants against his window. They’re both a little surprised that they managed to make it to the daycare without dying.

The daycare owner is named Kendou Itsuka and she’s whatever. She seems normal enough, unlike that fuckface Pikachu wannabe that he had to deal with during his customer service stint over the summer who always talked about his girlfriend who Bakugou is 100% sure is imaginary.

Kendou tells them that they don’t really have to do too much except talk to the kids, and that’s fine. He doesn’t like children because they’re nosy as fuck and have snot everywhere and have the uncanny ability to hit where it really hurts, but he’s had to deal with childish Deku for such a long time, so it couldn’t be much worse.

“Famous last words,” he can hear a voice that sounds suspiciously like Todoroki’s say, but later that night Todoroki gets just as shitfaced and drunk as he does, so Bakugou thinks that maybe he should look in the mirror before lecturing other people.

[12/25 02:11AM] Bakugou: so there is this kid

[12/25 02:11AM] Deku: Mhm

[12/25 02:11AM] Bakugou: and he just comes up to me and kicks me in the balls

[12/25 02:11AM] Deku: Um what

[12/25 02:11AM] Bakugou: and then the fucker says

[12/25 02:12AM] Bakugou: oops sorry!

[12/25 02:12AM] Bakugou: i didn’t think you had anything in there!!

[12/25 02:12AM] Deku: …oh

[12/25 02:13AM] Deku: That’s terrible

[12/25 02:13AM] Deku: I’m sorry

[12/25 02:13AM] Bakugou; don’t lie

[12/25 02:13AM] Bakugou: i know you’re laughing your ass off

[12/25 02:14AM] Deku: A little bit, yeah

To be fair, Deku is only laughing because, well, because Bakugou had done the exact same thing when it had happened to him.

The agency had gone to the nearby park because they had heard that there was an ice cream truck selling popsicles with their faces on it. Bakugou had tagged along because he was admittedly curious about what he looked like in popsicle-form (fucking fabulous, of course, like usual) and he also couldn’t wait to see that burn mark on the Todoroki popsicle bleed to the rest of his face so he would look like a tomato.

All Might gets his first, and it’s obvious that the makers spent the most time and effort on his. To be honest, none of them really know why the agency is getting exclusive popsicles all to themselves; the last time the public had seen them, they had been having a snowball fight in the middle of the highway because, well, All Might’s car broke down and there was just so much snow everywhere it just seemed like the natural thing to do. It had ended up with Kirishima falling off the bridge and Bakugou getting run over by a car, and all in all, it had just been a natural day at the agency, but apparently these things don’t really happen to normal people, because the public had been scandalized.

Uraraka looks caught between complaining about her popsicle cheeks being too round and being happy that she gets more ice cream this way. Iida cries tears of joy—no seriously, how the fuck does that guy cry over the stupidest shit. He was bawling over the flower in the office wilting last week—and wants to bring it back to the agency to frame it, but it melts in around three minutes. Which is around the time Kirishima’s popsicle lasts because he bites through it like a goddamn moron, who the fuck can survive biting through a popsicle like that? Kirishima’s going to get cavities or some shit for being fucking dumb.

Mineta’s is just a bunch of purple balls put together, probably because they knew that no one would ever order a Mineta popsicle anyway. He tries to use it as a sex toy, but Todoroki saves them all by setting it on fire. He accidentally sets Mineta’s balls on fire as well so Mineta ends up going bald for the day to regrow his balls, which is so fucking weird. Without those things on his head, he literally looked like a purple blob in diapers.

Bakugou gets his popsicle and he’s snarling in it, which is good. He has seen some other merchandise of him and they always try to make him smile like a fucking loser. Who needs to smile when you’re a badass? Smiling is fucking gross. He doesn’t want to see everyone’s yellow, moldy teeth.

Smiling is for losers like Deku, whose popsicle comes with possibly the cutest smile in the world and if Bakugou was a better person who wasn’t emotionally constipated, he might have said something nice.

But fuck nice.

Bakugou grabs Deku’s popsicle and kind of licks at it, right on popsicle Deku’s mouth. Deku is staring at him, mouth open. Does it look hot? He hopes it looks hot. He’s fucking burning right now and it’s probably over a hundred degrees and why did he agree to wear this sweater again? Oh right, because Fucking Deku smiled at him.

…oh shit, this smiling thing might actually be a formidable weapon.

Deku reaches for his popsicle too and licks at it shyly and it does look fucking hot, though that probably has something to do with that piece of shit Youtube logo trying to learn how to make a campfire right next to him in this fucking heatwave. What the actual fuck.

Deku licks at his popsicle again, a little more confident this time, and Bakugou’s about to lean over and do something to rub it in Todoroki’s face that his ass is still single, when a little kid comes over out of nowhere and kicks Deku in the balls. Deku wails and Bakugou tolerates him a lot more than other people, but if Deku makes that sound ever again, he’s going to dump his ass.

“GAYGAYGAYGAY!!!!!” The little kid yells at Deku, but Bakugou’s not sure if he heard it or not, since Deku’s currently facedown on the ground and may or may not be dead. Bakugou snickers and pokes him with his popsicle stick and Deku makes little dying noises, which no longer sounds like a whale getting strangled, but maybe a sheep dying. Yeah. Fuck, imagining a sheep in Deku’s red shoes is not an image he wants to see ever again.

Bakugou turns and tries the smiling strategy and the kid nearly pisses himself. It’s so fucking funny that he starts cackling a bit, but then the police get called because apparently he looks like a goddamn villain, what the fuck. That pedophile fat creeper that comes during Christmas every year cackles all the damn time and no one ever calls him a villain, despite the fact that the guy literally breaks into every single home.

Well, every single home but Bakugou’s, because he kicked the shit out of Santa Claus last year and then raided his present bag for all the limited edition All Might figurines. An eye for an eye, motherfucker.

[12/25 03:43AM] Bakugou: yo

[12/25 03:43AM] Bakugou: wh are you not responding

[12/25 03:43AM] Bakugou: yo

[12/25 03:43AM] Bakugou: yo

[12/25 03:43AM] Bakugou: yo

[12/25 03:43AM] Deku: It’s been three seconds…

[12/25 03:43AM] Deku: Also, it’s kind of late

[12/25 03:44AM] Deku: I want to sleep, but I’m also worried about you

[12/25 03:44AM] Bakugou: don’t

[12/25 03:44AM] Bakugou: deku does that enoug

[12/25 03:44AM] Bakugou: so this pokeball guy

[12/25 03:44AM] Bakugou: got his brainwashed

[12/25 03:44AM] Bakugou: they took a spong and scrubbed his brain

[12/25 03:45AM] Bakugou: ew

[12/25 03:45AM] Deku: That’s not what brainwashing means


[12/25 03:45AM] Bakugou: WHY IS THE SKY BLUE

[12/25 03:45AM] Bakugou: WHY IS THE EARTH ROUND

[12/25 03:46AM] Bakugou: wh

[12/25 03:46AM] Deku: …good night

[12/25 03:46AM] Bakugou: no you fucker come back

[12/25 03:46AM] Bakugou: have i mentioned my boyfriend

[12/25 03:46AM] Bakugou: he’s really really really cute

[12/25 03:46AM] Deku: Oh, no you haven’t

[12/25 03:46AM] Deku: Please go on, I’m all ears

He and Todoroki are not allowed to use their quirks at Sunny Shine Shine Daycare while all the kids there are because of some misplaced equality, which is bullshit because this equality has Todoroki on all fours meowing at a tree and it would’ve been damn funny if Bakugou wasn’t busy dodging his own explosions that really are a pain in the ass when they are directed at you.

Monoma Neito behaves a little bit when Kendou bops him on the head, but once she leaves, he’s back to thinking he’s the hottest shit in the room. Which is not true, because Bakugou is the hottest shit. Literally. Fuck, his pants are on fire. His ass is going to be covered in burn marks and he’s going to have to listen to the agency laugh at his supposed burn play with Todoroki. If he has to listen to Iida give him the talk about safe sex one more time he’s going to explode himself.

Shinsou Hitoshi is standing next to Todoroki, a confused look on his face. He had told Todoroki to act like a dog, so he is confused why Todoroki is meowing instead. Unbeknownst to him, Todoroki has a cat named Dog, but the rest of the kids just think he’s dumb. Which is fair, because Todoroki is actually fucking stupid. Their weekly agency explosion had been caused by him this week, because the fucktard put two eggs in the microwave. How the fuck do you even—actually, never mind. Todoroki’s just going to bring up his dad complex again and Bakugou’s fucking sick of hearing about that flaming bastard ten times every day.

He accidentally slips up later on and lets Shinsou brainwash him, and then he spends the rest of the day professing his love to Deku in haikus. His mom always bitched about him being a problematic child, and he knows that he’s an asshole, but at least he wasn’t enough of an asshole to dogpile her or smash a cake in her face or make her go outside in boxers to make snow angels.

He could’ve been doing more productive shit today, like buying a Santa Claus outfit for Todoroki (who is currently laughing in the corner and that shit is so disturbing, what the fuck. His face wasn’t made to be happy) or cook something nice for Deku as a sort of apology for blowing up their bed last week (though it’s not his fault Deku was being cute as shit).

But instead he is here at this hellhole braiding Todoroki’s hair while quacking like a duck. Fuck children. If Deku ever wants to adopt a kid, he’d rather just adopt Todoroki instead.

…shit, would that make him Todoroki’s dad?

[12/25 04:51AM] Bakugou: when he scrunches up his nose when he’s thinking, it’s adorabl

[12/25 04:51AM] Bakugou: he does it a lot when he’s muttering

[12/25 04:51AM] Bakugou: that’s cute too

[12/25 04:51AM] Bakugou: he’s so smart even though he looks dumb

[12/25 04:52AM] Deku: Your boyfriend sounds like a really wonderful person

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: you cant have him!!!

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: he has twenty three freckles on his face

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: i really like the one near his nose

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: it’s really cute

[12/25 04:52AM] Deku: …oh my god

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: and he sometimes sings in the shower and i really like it even thoug his voice always cracks and makes my ears hurt

[12/25 04:52AM] Bakugou: and then he moves around when he’s sleeping and kicks me a lot

[12/25 04:53AM] Bakugou: but i really like waking up next to him

[12/25 04:53AM] Bakugou: and then the other day before i went to that dumb daycare

[12/25 04:53AM] Bakugou: he gave me a scarf as a present because he noticed i was cold

[12/25 04:53AM] Bakugou: he’s so smart

[12/25 04:53AM] Bakugou: soooooooooooooooooooo smart

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: the smartest person in the world

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: so much smarter than you

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: hehehe

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: hehehehehe

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: im in love with him

[12/25 04:54AM] Deku: Oh

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: thankk you for listening

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: do you want to be the best man at my wedding

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: best woman?

[12/25 04:54AM] Bakugou: who are you again

[12/25 04:55AM] Deku: Errrr

[12/25 04:55AM] Deku: …kacchan, it’s me

[12/25 04:55AM] Bakugou: …

[12/25 04:55AM] Bakugou: FUCK

The agency used to have drinking nights, when All Might brought home beer and wine and other gifts that other people used to give him. All Might doesn’t join them because he goes to drink with Aizawa Shouta, which makes the rest of the agency think that he must really not want them to see him drunk, because really, who voluntarily goes to drink with Aizawa.

Uraraka is the angry type of drunk, which is scary as fuck when the girl’s quirk allows her to throw heavy objects around. When there are no more heavy objects around, she throws her fellow coworkers at each other. Bakugou has been thrown way too many times for his fragile ego to handle, and when Deku said he loved it when Bakugou swept him off his feet, Bakugou cannonballs that goddamn Deku off his feet. Bakugou Katsuki does not halfass anything.

Todoroki is the sad type of drunk and he sits in the corner and whines a little bit about his life, but mostly stays quiet and drops a couple of tears by himself. So basically he’s the same as he is sober, but he actually knows how to fucking shut up when he’s drunk. Unfortunately, the guy also likes to tell jokes with his shit delivery skills and the rest of the agency has to laugh, because they have found out that anything is better than trying to console a crying Todoroki who thinks his knock knock jokes are the funniest shit.

Iida is also the sad type of drunk, but he’s very vocal. He stands on all the tables and screams at them to use their indoor voices because he wants silence to wallow in self-pity. When no one listens to him, he starts crooning love songs until they do. And god damn that is fucking painful. Have you ever heard Mineta’s high-pitched wail? Yeah, well damn four-eyes’ abomination is that times ten. It’s fucking horrid.

Mineta the drunk is the same as Mineta the sober, and really, there’s so little difference between the two that Bakugou wonders if Mineta’s just drunk as shit all the time.

Kirishima is the very happy kind of drunk. He wants everyone to hold hands and be best friends forever. Because of Kirishima, they always have to stand in a circle hand in hand and recite the alphabet five times, except on the second and fifth time, they need to recite it backwards. It’s weird as fuck. They probably look like some sort of dumbass cult or some shit.

And Deku, well, Deku has the highest alcohol tolerance Bakugou has ever seen. Bakugou will never figure out how that dumb glob of freckles manages to outdrink them all. Deku is fucking scary during drinking nights, which is why the agency stopped them in the first place; he just sits there and smiles and listens to everyone’s sad stories and gives off the impression that he’s a nice fucker, but you know that in his nerd mind he is cataloguing everything that everyone says for future blackmail material.

As for a drunk Bakugou, well, it only takes a balls-kicking Monoma Neito and a brainscrubbing Shinsou Hitoshi and a couple of other kids at Sunny Shine Shine Daycare to find out.

A look into Bakugou Katsuki’s google search history the next day (truncated due to length):

  • How to unsend message
  • How to erase memories
  • How to erase myself
  • FUCK
  • Did I just accidentally propose
  • Why doesn’t my dad love me?
  • Why is Endeavor so socially awkward?
  • If Endeavor fought a whale, who would win?
  • Does Pro Hero Endeavor’s face count as one of the ugliest sights in this world?
  • If you hold two eggs next to Number Two Hero Endeavor’s body, will they explode?
  • Adlfksjdlfsd
  • Xlkfajsdlfkjsldkfjwiesojd
  • Sdfjaslkdfjalsdfjieoajfsdlkfxcvzm
  • Where to buy a ring