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My reflection

Chapter Text

"Are you finished yet?" Justin's voice caught me unaware, I almost even startled. But after years of not letting people see my feelings, both at work and in my daily life, I was able to conceal it.

"Yeah, I am. Did you have a good time It Vermont?" I asked him smirking, not enjoying the pain in his eyes as I thought I would. If anything, it made me want to throw the nameless trick out and beg Justin forgiveness, with my dick.

"I did, enjoyed my ski classes very much" he replied, a smirk of his own in his face. I didn't like that. Sunshine only smiles, those look good on him, smirks... they only look cruel. If there is something I am completely sure about, is that Justin is not cruel "Get the fuck out of the loft!" he hissed to the still naked guy on our... my bed.

The trick tried to look at me for support, but I could care less for the useless piece of ass, I was still stuck on my boyfr... Justin's words "I thought you knew how to ski"

"I do, but the instructor was hot" at his words I felt something inside of me break, something I thought I lost a long time ago "You really think he cares about you? He doesn't, he cares for no one but himself... and his son. Did he tell you about little Gus? No. Then now that he had you, you are as good as done for him. There's the door, open. Leave!" Justin threw the trick his clothes and all but pushed him through the door- the other one still butt naked.

His words... I really did hurt him this time, didn't I? I thought sadly. But he did too! This was supposed to be our weekend. I was suppose to be the one giving him ski lessons, just to have my dick sucked. He should have been there for me to celebrate my success with me!

But then again, I never gave him a reason to stay. Whenever Michael talked to him, like he just did with the trick, I never defended him or let him know that I didn't think like that. After the bash... prom, I made him swallow his feelings and wasn't there for him... at least, not emotionally. The way he really needed me to. I didn't tell him why I had to cancel our trip, let him think that everything was more important to me than him. I always told him that the door was open, making him unwanted, replaceable. How can I punish him? Be angry at him? When he only did what I always told him he could? Why do I feel hurt that he left... when I didn't give him a reason to stay?

My train of thoughts was interrupted when I notice him starting to pack. And not an overnight bag to stay over his fag hag, like he always does when we have a fight. He was packing ALL his stuff.

"Justin... Justin... SUNSHINE!" I yelled, getting an icy glare, when he just ignored me before "What the fuck are you doing? Stop being such a drama queen!"

No... I didn't want to say that. Why did I say that? I scolded myself in my head.

"I almost died Brian... I almost died... and the only thing I wanted was to feel reassured that everything was going to be fine, that I was still wanted... that I was worth living" he admitted, voice cracking at the end.

No... Sunshine. Of course, you are wanted! I exclaimed in my head, but when I tried to say it out loud, I was cut off by an angry Justin "Sun..."

"Don't Sunshine me! You couldn't even let me talk about it! I was dying inside Brian, dying! And you couldn't even listen to me!" he screamed in my face, making me feel as the biggest asshole in the world "You didn't even have to talk Brian, just listen" he repeated, this time silently- almost as if he were talking to himself. If I hadn't been so close, I wouldn't have been able to hear him "You always wanted me to read you, see through the lines... as only I could. Before the bashing I knew my place next to you... now, I don't even know where I stand in my life. I needed you to be the one this time to read me, to try and change, at least a bit, of your life for me" he sighed, sliding against the wall to the end up sitting on the floor "But you didn't Brian" he sounded tired... defeated. And I hated myself even more for making feel like that, but didn't know how to fix things this time.. didn't know if there was a way to fix them at all "Everything has to evolve around you, doesn't it?"

"You know that's not true" I complained, feeling hurt that he would think that of me- even if I wouldn't admit it "And you know it"

"Really? Do I? Because Brian, let me tell you a little thing. I don't even know me anymore. I don't like the man I've become! This angry, jealous, insecure thing! I cannot read you any longer Kinney! I know it hurts you, because I used to be the only person you didn't need words to explain yourself. I know that you passed through a lot after the bashing! But, let me tell you something: I had it fucking worse!!! I am turning into a self-destructive bomb, that will explode at any moment!" he yelled, now standing "I am turning into... you"

"I am not self-destructive!" I snapped defensively.

"Are you sure? Because if your lifestyle isn't your way of suicide, I don't know what it is" he snapped back, making me flinch. I could handle those words from anyone and still act as if nothing happened, but not if they were coming from Sunshine "You drink way too much, take drugs, have sex with any man that crosses your path- surely, wishing that someone will give you HIV so you don't have to live any longer. You said that I 'know it', but the truth Brian is that I truly don't. You never talk to me, not about stuff that really matter anyways. I don't know anything about you, that hasn't come from your 'family'. What does that say about you? About us? If there has been an us to talk about, anyways"

There's been one! I wanted to exclaimed. Has always been one, since the moment I saw you looking at me with... love when I held my son for the first time. But I couldn't... I just stayed silentl.

"That's what I thought" he scoffed, making me wince at his harsh tone "Look, I know about your parents... it seems that none of your so called family respects your privacy. I know that they made you feel unwanted, undesired. But you are not the only one who had bad parents, get over yourself! You are taking their words over the edge, you don't even desire yourself anymore! You don't want yourself so much... that you even want to be dead, aren't I right?" I didn't answer his question, just looked down to my feet "Just what I thought" this time his tone was softer, more sad than anything else "I'll bet you anything that you cannot even recognize your own reflection anymore. Brian... I cannot stay any longer here, I cannot let you drag me down the same path. We both need to figure out what the hell we want in life, and most importantly, what kind of man do we really want to be. For that we can't be together, we'll just end up hurting each other" he told me, making me smile- always thinking about other first, even when they've been assholes to you and hurt you very much.

"You'll leave?" I had to ask, even if the answer was obvious.

"Yes, I'll stay at mom's for a while and then... well, you really don't have the right to know about that anymore. Do you?" this time I didn't even bother to hide the flinch, I was too tired to "By the way, here. This is for you" he went through his bag to give me a check, the exact amount of money I gave him for his first semester in PIFA. What shocked me was the last name of the giver, Hobbes "Mrs. Hobbes isn't as heartless as her husband and son. She felt very guilty at how things ended for me, but she couldn't wish for her son to go to prison- even after he tried to kill me. So, she paid my medical bills- the ones the bastard of my sperm donor didn't want to help my mom with. Gave me the money to pay my school debts, when she heard my father wouldn't help me through college, and helped me get a scholarship- after explaining the dean my whole situation and using some of her contacts" he explain to me "If we don't take into account everything that happened... Mrs. Hobbes isn't such a bas person"

"You want me... you want me to accept fucking money from the woman that gave birth to the bastard that tried to kill you!!!" I screamed at him, incredulously "What do you take me for?!"

"As I said before, I don't know" he snapped back "I just wanted to come here and apologize for leaving without you, I behaved like a childish teenager. I wanted for us to celebrate that things are finally going well fro me... but I had to find your dick inside a trick" he finished sadly, glaring at me to hide his pain.

He was truly turning into me. Sunshine never wanted to hide his true feelings from anyone, if anything for him being honest about them was being strong. Did I really make him feel so insecure around me that he had to hide them from me? I am truly an asshole... I could only stare at him as he packed all his belongings, defeated as I never felt. 

"I have a question" he said, foot outside the door "Why do you bring them to the loft? I understood before, but why continue doing it when I began living with you? When there are a lot of men that would love to open their legs for you anywhere, even in public" he turned to face me "Was it because you wanted me gone? You did that to push me off the Kinney cliff?" when I didn't answer, he took it as me agreeing... which wasn't completely wrong. He chuckled, a broken sound coming from an empty man. I really should not exist just for causing someone so pure and bright that much pain "You never really wanted me at the end, did you Brian?" was the last thing he said, before turning around and leaving me... alone.

"I did... I do, Sunshine" I whispered to myself, on my cold and lonely bed, as I cried and begged God that he wouldn't take my Sunshine away... but it's too little, too late: he was already gone.

Chapter Text

I couldn't believe the man I've become, this pitiful excuse of a man. Drinking and smoking in a bar, I was turning just like my dad! And it wasn't because Justin left... ok, that also affected me a lot. But I've been walking this path for a long time, he just made me see it- notice what a disaster I was. I tried to go after him, stalk him outside of PIFA- but I wasn't able to catch him. Tried calling his phone, but he changed his number. Even tried to catch him at his mother's home, but it seems like Sunshine wasn't even in Pittsburgh anymore. I still remember the harsh words of Jennifer, as if it were yesterday... maybe, because it was yesterday. I don't know, with how high I am, I can't even tell where I am right now:

"What do you want?!" Jennifer had finally answered the door, after half an hour of me banging it and trying to get any of them out.

"I made a mistake, ok?! I just want to talk with Justin and try fix things up" I told her, trying to see around her- maybe I could catch a quick gaze of my favorites blond locks.

"Really? And what good will that do? Are you ready to change your way of living? Be faithful to my son and not desire another man again? Because you might have tricked him into believing he was ok with having an open relationship, but that isn't enough anymore. He needs stability, a boyfriend to come home to and know that there won't be any fucking tricks on his bed!" I took a step backwards in shock, I couldn't believe that the polish and polite Mother Taylor used crude words, such as: 'tricks' and 'fuck' "You know what's the worst?! Is that I really liked you Brian, I thought you would be a great man for my son- after all, I've never seen someone love him as much as you do... but you can't show it, can you?"

"No" I said, lowly. Looking at the floor, not liking the feeling of disappointing her.

After all, since the bashing- not counting the time she asked me to leave her son alone- I began seeing her as kind of my mother figure. Every week we had a family dinner: Justin, Jennifer, Molly and I. Just to stay in contact and know how the other were doing. I liked that. I liked being part of a family where I wasn't blamed for everything that went wrong. I love the gang, but sometimes I feel as if I was just an excuse for them to justify everything that went wrong in their lives.

"Come in dear" she sighed, smiling softly at me "We have a lot to talk about"

Then I discovered that the scholarship, he had, wasn't for PIFA, but Pratt- in New York City. It seems like Mrs. Hobbs wasn't as kind as Justin explained her to be, but also had ulterior motives. She didn't want to have a reminder of her son's mistake near by, she didn't want a constant remembering that her son isn't as good as she believed him to be. Jennifer convinced me not to follow him to New York again, that he needed his space and time, to remember who he is. She used the same exact reasons not to give me his address or a way to contact him. At least, I was still invited to family dinner with her and Molly. She also convinced me to get an appointment with Alex, that I needed to see someone, if not about my childhood, then for what I experienced during the bas... prom- I really can't decide which is a worse.

"The stud of Liberty Avenue resurfaced!" Michael's exclamation snapped me out of my thoughts. I internally groaned at the remainder of the reputation that made me lose the best thing that happened in my life, second behind Gus "Where have you been?! I am your best friend, you shouldn't have made me worry like this! Surely it was Boy Wonder, wasn't it? He was needy and selfish as always, wanting 'quality time' which made you ignore us"

"Can you shut your annoying whining mouth for a damn second?!" I growled at him, making him froze in his seat next to me. Luckily I was low enough no one else heard me, the last thing I needed was a scene. I stood up and left the bar, I couldn't handle Mikey tonight of all nights "You don't get a clue, do you? What about leaving doesn't show you that I don't want you around?!" I turned around and screamed at him angrily, I never liked the way he spoke about Justin and tonight... tonight he crossed the line.

"What's gotten into you?!" he snapped back, surprise clear on his face.

"You want to know what the hell is wrong with me?! You! You are what's wrong with me!" I barked at him, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him towards a dark alley. No one has the needs to listen to us "You treat Justin as if he is garbage and unwanted, he is neither of those things. He never was a stalker, that's you! He never calls fifty times a day to know everything about my routine, he doesn't get into my loft uninvited whenever he wants- with a key I gave him only for emergencies-, he doesn't come to my work and get me into trouble because he thinks his whining is more important than a job that's supporting my son and myself, he doesn't act like he is better than others when he hasn't achieved anything in his life but being a momma's little boy! Does that sound familiar to you, Mikey? Since day one you've been in his case because he had something you never had and always wanted, what no one ever had: my attention and respect! He's gone through so much, more than anyone in his age should have. He is so brave and beautiful, coming out to his school full of homophobia and to his bastard of a father that kicked him out. But he never bent. YOU did, you couldn't even step outside of Liberty and not being afraid of what others might think or do. You had it all: supportive friends and a loving mother who accepted you. Justin lost it all, and he still stuck with his principles- he even almost died for them. What have you done worth mentioning Mikey? Being my best friend? Let me tell you something, that's not as big as you believe it to be" he flinched at my words.

I knew it wasn't fair to take my anger on Mikey, but I couldn't stand Justin gone or how Michael treats him as shit, for no good reason. Sunshine doesn't deserve it.

"Wait a minute..." he tried to stop me, when I started walking away from him. He grabbed my arm, trying to make me stop... bad choice "Fuck!" he cursed, when I punched him in the face- making him fall on his ass.

"That's for lying! You said that the thieves had been already there when you come to the loft, but you lied. I received the images from the security service, you were the one that left the door unlocked. But you said it was Justin, because you cannot take responsibilities for anything. After all, Mikey is never wrong, is he? I got my stuff back, thanks for asking. But then again, my 'best friend' only seems to care about my well being and happiness when it benefits him. After all, why would he try to ruin the only relationship I ever had? Now I lost the best goddamn thing that ever happened to me! Justin fucking transferred to New York to finish his studies" I snapped at him "What? Gonna go to mommy and tell her that Big Bad Brian punched you like a good little boy? Why not? It seems that's all you are good at" with that said, I walked away- leaving Michael on the floor of the alley.

-The following day-

When I entered the dinner and wasn't attacked by Debbie, I was kind of surprised. But when she came to take my order complaining about an idiot that punched her dear son, and told me that Michael wasn't able to see his face when I asked her who was said 'bastard'... well, it's easy to say I was shocked. 

"Good morning" came the soft greeting of Mikey, he sat in front of me and looked kind of shyly at me. I felt even a biggest idiot, but I also knew that he needed to hear that "I... I'm sorry. I was kind of an asshole"

"Kind of?" I questioned him, a slight smile on my face. Soon we were both laughing as if we were fourteen years old again, no bad blood between us "I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have hit you. No matter what an asshole you were, that's is never an excuse for violence... I should know that more than anyone"

"Don't sweat it... it was a good wake up call. I talked with Alex, tried to get an appointment with him" I looked at him, not being able to conceal my surprise "He said he couldn't attend me, because he was treating you... that's great, you need it. He recommended me someone else, I have to get over this... obsession, I have with you" he admitted, making me happy to know that my best friend was growing up "It's not healthy" he continued after a while "I am happy that you got your stuff back, for all that counts"

"It counts a lot" I assured him, with a small smile. That's all I've managed, since Sunshine left.

"Here, I got you this... as a 'please forgive me' peace offering" I was about to tell him that it wasn't necessary, when I noticed what did he get me "Maybe Boy Wo... Justin, will answer your chats and will fix things up. If anyone can make a long distance relationship work, is Brian Fucking Kinney- a family man" only Michael could say that and still make me sound cool.

I smiled at my friend's back, as he left the dinner, and then returned my gaze towards the little piece of paper. Feeling for once, since my Sunshine was taken away, that twilight was over and dawn was breaking through.