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He Shoots, He Scores!

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“Khan, we are not going to have this discussion now!” *shoots bad guy*


“Why not?”


“Oh my god, why does everyone I know–” *shoots* “–think that the middle of a fire-fight is a good place to have a heart-to-heart?”


“Because there never seems to be a good time to speak with you about these things.” *kicks the shit out of bad guy*


“What exactly do you mean by that?”


“You either fall asleep while I’m talking or you get called away.” *throws knife*


*shoots* “I think you’re exaggerating.”


 “One would almost think you’re avoiding intimacy.” *kicks*


*shoots* “How can you say I’m avoiding intimacy? After all the times we’ve –”


“Captain, may I remind you this frequency is being monitored.”


“Not now, Spock!”


“James, this is important.” *kicks, punches*


“I’m sure it is! I’m just saying this isn’t the time to discuss it.”


“How can you possibly fall asleep while he’s talking?”


“Dr Marcus, please keep this frequency clear.”


“James, you don’t even know what I’m going to say.” *throws knife and bad guy behind Kirk falls over*


“Thanks.” *shoots* “And I DO know what you’re going to say. You want us to share quarters. Although why you’d even ask is ridiculous, as you pretty much–” *shoots* “–spend every night in my cabin, anyway!”


“Does he really? When di’ that start?”


“Mr Scott, I have asked that there be no unnecessary communications on this frequency.”


 “Spock! How’re we doing? Where are those reinforcements!?” *shoots*


“Hold your horses, Kirk, some of us got to this party a little late. We’ll be there momentarily.”


*elbows bad guy in throat* “Admiral Pike? What are you doing here, sir?”


“I was in the area. And Kirk, I may be older than you, but I still fight better than you do. Now relay your co-ordinates.”




“Don’t let us keep you from finishing the conversation. Some of us were enjoying that.”


“Sir?” *shoots*


“He means your lover’s quarrel, Captain.”


“Lieutenant Uhura, please do not –”


“Not ‘what’, Spock? Are you telling me to shut up?”




“See what I mean, Khan? Inappropriate timing.”*shoots*


*punches* “And as I said before, Kirk, there is no appropriate time for this with you.”


“Or with any man.”




*shoots* “Oh, it’s ‘Kirk’ now is it, Mr Singh?”


“What do you mean?” *kicks*


“You don’t usually call me ‘Kirk’ unless you’re mad at me or when you’re about to c–”


“Jim, if you finish that sentence, I swear I will kill you for real.”


“Doctor, I believe I have ordered everyone to stay off this frequency.”


*punches* Kirk, I’m not asking to move in with you. That, as you said, would be redundant. What I’m asking is: will you – LOOK OUT!”


*shoots, shoots, shoots, shoots* “Thanks. Now, where were we?”


“It sounds like –”


“– he was asking –”


“– you to –”


“– marry him.”


“What?!” *shoots*


“You are all going on report.”


“SHUT UP, Spock!”


“Does that include me, Commander?”


“My apologies, Admiral.”


“Admiral, those reinforcements…?”


“Beaming down now.”


 “James, are you going to answer my question?”


*motions to arriving troops* “What question? There WAS no question!”


“Dammit man, he asked you to marry him!”


*catches spare phaser power pack* “Thanks. What? No, he didn’t!”


“YES HE DID!!!” (x 100)


“You did?”


“In a way.” *kicks, punches*




“James, do not stop shooting.”


“Sorry, I’m just a little…distracted.” *shoots*




“I know!”


“Lieutenants Uhura and Marcus –”


“Ignore him.”


“I am.”


“James, I am now armed. I’ll be right there.” *shoots*


“Status report, Kirk.”



“Captain? Admiral Pike and I require an update.”


“Sorry Spock. Still here. Uh, we’re still outnumbered, but Admiral Pike’s troops are slowly gaining more ground. It’s going to be a little while before the –” *shoots* “–area is secure, though.”








“KHAN! God, are you all right? Please don’t be dead.”


“…I am not dead.”


“We need to get you back to the ship.” *shoots*


“Jim, what’s happening?”


“Bones, it’s Khan; looks bad. Beam him up.”




“Shut up, Khan, as your physician, I’m ordering you back here.”


“Doctor, I'm fine. Once again, the captain is overreacting.”




“James, the others need our help. They won’t be able to hold this place without us.” *stands carefully*


“Fine, but first we’re getting married.” *shoots*


*picks up phaser* “What?”


“I’m marrying you before anything else happens.”


“Jim, are you out of your mind?”






“I will shut down these communications –”


“Commander Spock, I order you to leave this frequency open.”


“As you wish, Admiral.”


“Kirk, are you serious about this?”


*shoots, shoots, shoots* “Yes, sir! Just…hurry it up.”


“Jim, can Admirals even marry people?”


“I DON’T CARE! Everyone shut up! Except you, sir.”*shoots*


“Pike to Away Team, do you have eyes on Kirk and Khan?”


*blast, fight, shoot* “Yes, sir, they’re keeping the perimeter clear so we can infiltrate the building.”


“Fine then, we’ve got witnesses. Kirk, you know the drill.”


*headbutts bad guy* “I do.”


“Close enough. Khan?”


“Here. Yes.” *stabs bad guy*


“Great, you’re married. We’ll do the long version later.”


“Captain, do you require further assistance?”






“Lieutenant Uhura, have we lost contact with the surface?”


“No, sir, we haven’t.”




The End.