It was just like any other Sunday dinner in the Carisi household, and everyone was in a great mood. So Sonny figured it was as good as time as any to finally do it; God knows how long Bella had been telling him to get it done and over with, and maybe if it went over well he would maybe tell the people he worked with; Sonny was terrified.
“Hey, um… Ma… I think I should tell you…” his voice was breaking, and struggling to make it to the surface.
“Sonny is everything okay?”
He got the attention of everyone at the table and was thinking about just saying never mind , but Bella gave him a smile and an encouraging nod urging him to go forward with what he was saying.
“Um… I’m gay,” he whispered.
“ I am a homosexual…” he received some dirty looks in response, but he continued, “as in I like men; not women.”
“Is this a joke son?” His dad questioned angrily. “No!”
“You must just be confused, it’s just a phase,” Theresa added.
“No, I’m not confused. Trust me when I say this!”
“You know that you’ll go to hell?”
“You think I chose this?” Sonny’s eyes were brimming with tears now.
“Yes!” His father yelled at him.
“I didn’t chose to be gay!” he whimpered.
There were a few moments of silence before his father spoke, “Dominick, no son of mine will be a faggot! Get out my house, NOW! And don’t you dare come back until you’re straight.”
Sonny looked in his mother’s direction with pleading eyes, she just shook her head no, so Sonny stood up to leave, but before he did he said one last thing to his family. “You know I said I’m gay not a bundle of sticks.” And with that, he left.
Bella was frozen, she knew her parents wouldn’t be happy about what Sonny said, but she never thought that they would disown him. Once he left she managed to recollect her thoughts, she stopped feeding her beautiful baby girl carrots and tried defending Sonny, but it was futile. Her parents didn’t really care what she had to say.
After what happened, Sonny went straight home. He was devastated, angry and a million other emotions all at the same time. He tried really hard to just fall asleep and not have to think about what happened, but his mind betrayed him, he just could not fall asleep; he was restless.
By morning he might have gotten maybe an hour possibly two hours of sleep, but still, he got up and got ready for work. He was different at work from that day forth, he was quiet, unenthusiastic, angry, and even a bit rude. He hated himself for acting that way, but he just couldn’t be himself anymore knowing his own parents hated him and never wanted to see him again.
Things seemed to be getting worse, not better. Sonny started having problems with concentration, remembering things, and making decisions. He felt tired constantly, he was feeling helpless, and hopeless. He couldn’t sleep at night and even when he did he felt tired. He was irritable and restless. He no longer was interested in cooking, reading, or even spending time with his niece. He never wanted to eat anymore. He had constant headaches and felt anxious, empty and lonely constantly. He also started wondering if maybe the world would be better off without him. He was depressed.
He felt as if he was falling into a dark abyss of nothing. As if there was a monster ripping him apart from the inside. It was like a war going on in his mind. He was dying inside and either no one knew or they just didn’t care, but there seemed to be a patch of light at the end of the dark tunnel.
“Carisi, are you okay?” Rollins asked concern evident in her voice with a hint of something else in her tone.
“Yeah just fine, why do you ask?” He replied, and for the first time in a long time, he felt a bit hopeful, because if she really wanted to know she would ask him to give a real answer.
“You’ve been acting a bit like an ass lately, I was just wonderin’ why.”
That comment hurt because she wasn’t really concerned, she just wanted to know why he’d been being an ass hole.
Sonny felt dead, he wondered if it was really killing yourself if you were already dead on the inside.
That night he held a gun in his mouth with his finger on the trigger trying to get it done and over with, but he couldn’t do it; that continued every day for a whole month.
Then he decided he was finally going to do it; he was going to actually pull the trigger, right after work he was going to go home and pull the trigger.
The last thing was to do before that was drop some paperwork off at Barba’s office.
The thought of Barba was one of the few things that still could make him fill semi happy, but at the same time, it made it worse because he “knew” Barba could never feel the same way about him.
So in a way, it was a bittersweet way to say goodbye to his life; seeing Barba.
When Sonny got there Barba was leaning over his desk reading case files. When Barba looked up from the files he looked annoyed which really hurt Sonny, sure Sonny “knew” that Barba didn’t particularly like him, but still.
“Sorry to bother you counsellor, but I had to drop off some paperwork,” Sonny said in an uncharacteristically quiet voice.
“No need to apologise It’s no bother, I needed that paperwork.” He said in his usual confident tone.
Sonny walked towards the desk and handed him the paperwork. “Have a good night counsellor.” And with that, he turned around and started to walk away.
“Detective”, Barba voice sounded worried, “are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great.” Sonny started to leave again.
“Where do you think you're going? I asked a question, and now I would like an answer that isn’t such a blatant lie.”
“What makes you think I’m lying?”
“Believe it or not I’m not oblivious, I can tell when people lie.”
“Why does it matter anyway?”
“It matters because I care if you’re okay. You’re a good detective…”
“What makes you so sure I’m not okay?”
“Well first of all this little exchange…” Barba sounded a bit sarcastic, “And the fact that for the past few months you’ve been quieter, less enthusiastic, distant, irritable, and very bad at concentrating.”
Sonny didn’t know how to respond, this whole time he thought no one cared about him, but none other than ADA Rafael Barba cared. He noticed and realised that something was wrong. Well, Sonny was thinking he didn’t notice the ADA stand up, walk towards him and pull him in for a hug, by this point Sonny was crying, Sonny melted into the embrace.
“Now tell me instead why are you not okay?” Barba’s voice was soft and comforting.
Sonny told him what was wrong, and what happened, The whole time in an embrace. (The hug was definitely too long to just be friendly.) After Sonny was done he was terrified that he over shared that Barba hadn’t wanted to hear that much about him, and just as Sonny began to have a panic attack Barba said “Relax, it’s going to be fine. It takes parents a while to get over their son coming out; it took my mom five years and even now she’s still uncomfortable. Besides I’m sure they still love you.”
And that’s when their eyes met and Sonny leant in and so did Barba, they kissed. It felt amazing.
Four years later
“Rafi my parents just rsvp’ed. They’re coming to the wedding.”
“I’m glad to hear that Sunshine .”
Sonny smiled ear to ear, his dimples on full display. He was the happiest he had ever been, and sometimes he can’t believe that if he had pulled the trigger none of this would have happened. He now understood the phrase “ things have to get worse before they can get better.”
Sonny stood up and kissed his future husband, wrapping his arms around Rafi’s waist. He couldn’t imagine his life without him.