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Choose. (Jumin Han/Reader Oneshot)

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All this time. All this time you had thought he loved you. It's what he told you, anyway. At any chance he'd get, he would tell you how much he wanted to hold you, protect you, keep you as his, forever, etc etc etc...

But he never got over her.

Rika, the girl everyone looked up to and loved wholeheartedly, whom you secretly called a snake. Yes, Jumin and the rest of the RFA may have adored you, but you'd never be as good as her. In their eyes, she was a saint, even after V had let on that she had had some issues. Nobody but he knew all the details, but the RFA decided to dismiss the topic and keep living in ignorance, believing she was the single most loving person on this earth. You decided that you could live with it, wanting to be the bigger person, hoping that maybe, just maybe, if you tried hard enough, you could be as good as her. Meet their expectations. Maybe even exceed them. You told yourself that as long as you had Jumin's love, that would be enough.

Boy, were you wrong.

Sure, it had been fine the first few months into your relationship with Jumin. After that first party, chaos with the hacker and with Sarah had begun to die down more and more steadily, and with it died the apparent constant nagging comparison of Rika. But, secretly, it was still there. Zen had eventually told you how she had helped him with his confidence and career, and Saeyoung revealed that she had taken care of someone very important to him (although you were still unsure of who, exactly). Yoosung still talked about how much he missed her, which was, of course, expected. You couldn't dismiss a death like that, especially with how close they had been. And Jumin. You of course had heard the story of unrequited feelings between Rika and your lover. And you understood the feelings he had gone through, that he still had trouble expressing. You had even gone through feelings similar once or twice. You promised him that he was not the only one who has felt like this, he was not alone. Your genuine words and soothing tone had seemed to calm him and nothing ever went too far. His boiling, bubbling emotions would sometimes reveal their intensity to you, but it was in short periods, and they were never directed towards you. Even if you wanted them to be.

But, after you had finally fully moved in with Jumin, made your relationship official, gotten into the swing of everyday life with him, had the pressure begun to build up.

First, you started noticing little things. He had kept pictures of her posing with him and, occasionally, V (but it was mostly just Jumin and Rika). You could handle it a bit, but you thought it was a problem when he kept every single picture, and would even put pictures of the two of you as a couple next to those pictures. You also noticed that, although you did adore Elizabeth 3rd with all your cat-loving heart, Jumin didn't change much in regards to her than when you had first meet him. He no longer put her in a cage, of course, but she'd still be the first one to be greeted when he came home from work. He never quite trusted you to take care of her properly, and had to explain exactly how to feed her every single time he was unable to. And then there was the tie. Rika had gotten him this ridiculously ugly pink tie for his birthday one year, and he still wore it before every big conference. Not the tasteful, silky purple one with tiny swirls that shimmered that you had gotten him. Or the navy blue checkered one, imported from Italy for your one month anniversary. Or the red pinstriped one that cost you a fortune. Nope, not even the pastel blue one with tiny customized Elizabeth 3rds on it. Yeah, you knew it was a little cheesy, but it was worth a shot. Anything to keep him from the tie Rika got him. Alas, your efforts were a waste.

You didn't understand what you were doing wrong. You knew you were more kind at times than was called for, but apparently you still weren't as kind as Rika had been. You knew you were always understanding towards all of the RFA and you supported them through every one of their dilemmas, just wanting the best for them. You were always the one to stand up for the one being teased, and you would never tease another. Nothing made sense. How could anyone somehow be more kind and perfect than you were forced to be every second of the day?

 

These are the thoughts running through your head as you wait loyally for Mr. Chairman-to-be on the large, plush couch looking out on the city. You blow a strand of (h/c) hair out of your face as you watch tiny identical cars go by, each one the same as the next. It reminds you of how numb you usually are about the still fresh and apparent feelings Jumin had for Rika. For some reason, however, the frustration you felt today was stronger than the status quo. Maybe it was the way he had left for work early without saying 'I love you' or even a simple 'goodbye' today. Maybe it was the way he had stared at one of the many pictures of her when he thought you were asleep the night before. Or maybe it was how he just had to wear that fucking obnoxious tie again today. Whatever it was, you had moped around the house the entire day wondering if maybe he... well...

...what if he doesn't love me as much as her...?

No. That was ridiculous. Maybe you weren't as good as her, maybe not as beautiful, hell, maybe you just weren't as unattainable and desired as her, but you were still his girlfriend of four and a half months. You two rarely fought. You always had a ton of fun on dates. Everything seemed to work out under the covers. You were one of the happiest couples you knew. There was no way Jumin had any... regrets towards you. Right?

You hear the tone of the elevator, signaling that Jumin has returned from work. You lift yourself off of the couch and dust off your satin red skirt, wanting to make yourself look presentable when welcoming him in. You attempt to quiet the click of your glossy black kitten heels as you walk towards the entrance. You always have to be as perfect as you imagine Rika to be, you remind yourself over and over again. You straighten your shoulders as Elizabeth 3rd basically skips past your legs, meowing in excitement at being able to finally see her beloved owner. She has grown used to you being there, and although she loves you, she will never hold the same affection for you as she does Jumin... Hm. Reminds you of another relationship.

Jumin finally turns the doorknob and enters the place you now call home. "Hello, Elizabeth. Hello, my dear." He looks up at you but he bends down to stroke Elizabeth 3rd with his long, elegant fingers. He smiles brilliantly up at you, and though you know it is genuine, you wonder whether it was actually generated by your presence, not Elizabeth's.

"Hello Jumin! I've missed you. Can I get you some wine? You look exhausted." You recite perfectly rehearsed lines without breaking a sweat.

"Please. I'll have whatever you're having." He stands back up, finally satisfied with petting Elizabeth 3rd, and takes a few long strides towards the couch as you hurry to collect two wine glasses.

Once you set the glasses down on the polished mahogany table, you sit next to Jumin, close enough to not make the distance seem apparent, but far enough to keep control over your feelings. When you become emotional, it certainly doesn't help to watch his facial expressions too closely. "How was your day, then, honey?"

"Oh, it was fine. The meeting with the American company -- you know the one -- went well, but it took longer than expected. Part of the issue was their translator's extremely thick accent, but it was mostly -- wait. I noticed something, I meant to ask you about it. Is..." He clears his throat, which is surprising, because that usually means he hasn't properly gathered his thoughts, a rare occurrence. "Is everything alright with you? You seemed tense the moment I walked in the door. You're not... upset, are you?"

Your face suddenly glows a bright shade of red, giving you away immediately. Nonetheless, you try to act your way out of it. "N-no, of course not! I... why would you think that, haha?" You forget that, unfortunately, you have always been a horrible actress, and that you're positive Jumin's had Jaehee install a lie detector in him.

"(Y/n). Don't lie to me. I won't let this go until you tell me the absolute truth, and you know I'll be able to tell. There's nothing to fret about, just tell me and I'll try to help." He looks straight into your eyes, making it almost impossible to tear them away from his steely grey ones.

"J-Jumin, I... I'm not sure if you'll want to hear about it. It's kind of a... touchy subject."

"(Y/n)."

"O-okay, fine. It's, um... it's about Rika."

He visibly stiffens, but his face doesn't give anything away. "Go on."

"I don't want to seem like a whiny bitch or something, but... um. I just wonder, constantly actually, haha, am... am I good enough for you? I never feel like I'm as perfect as Rika, because everyone tells me she was the kindest person they've ever known, and I just don't know how to meet your expectations?" You squeak at the end of your phrase, but go on anyways. "AndsometimesIreallydoubtwhetheryouactuallylovemeorifyou'restillmoreinlovewithher...!" You bury your face, the shade of a tomato, in your hands, not wanting to see his reaction any longer.

He stays silent for, to be frank, a worryingly long amount of time. You start to develop a cold sweat and your joints knock a little. Finally, after a sip of wine, he begins, "(Y/n), you know I love you, I tell you almost every da--"

"Yes, Jumin, I know that. And I love you too. But I need to know, do you regret being with me? I don't expect you to just forget Rika. That's unfair. But I haven't been about to get over the idea that you aren't completely satisfied with me. So, Jumin, I don't want to force you into a decision, but--" You take a sip of wine to gather your courage. "Who do you love more? Me, or Rika?"

Jumin, like you, has never been an excellent actor, but he is usually able to keep a pokerface after years of training to kill off his emotions. However, now he is unable to conceal the shock clearly written all over his face. "I -- wait, what? You're not making any sense, there's no way I'm about to compare you to my dead friend. It's just--"

"Jumin, you're starting to make me doubt you. Answer the question."

"No! You're being absolutely ridiculous, there's no way I'm going to choose one of you, it's disrespectful to her, and you two are totally different, and -- just stop this. It's unfair." He stands to set his now empty wine glass in the sink. You immediately stand up and try to keep up with his long strides.

"Jumin, why are you avoiding the question?!" Something powerful and impossible to ignore begins to build up in your throat. "I -- wait. You're not answering the question. You... you don't love me as much."

"(Y/n), I swear, don't you start--"

"No! You know you're not going to deny it! ...I-I'm never going to be g-good enough, am I?" Plump tears have started rolling down your face.

"Fuck, (y/n)... You know what? No. No, not when you're acting like this, you certainly are not good enough. Please just leave me alone, I already told you I didn't want to deal with this." He turns away so that you can't see his face and he can't see your tear-stained, red-blotched one.

Your heart stops in your throat. Yes, you had figured out by now that he didn't have the same passion for you that he did for Rika, that the whole act before that first party had just been because of so many overwhelming events stacked on top of one another, but you would've never guessed he would say such hurtful things, that he would kick you out. You don't hesitate to slump your shoulders and quietly open the front door, no longer caring whether your heels click or not, wiping your tears with your white button-up top. It doesn't matter anymore. You don't feel anything. You would call Jaehee and ask to spend the night, and figure out what to do from there.

Jumin turns around, ready to apologize after gathering his thoughts, only to find an empty space where you were standing just a couple minutes earlier. "(Y/n)?" He runs a hand through his thick black hair. "Shit... Shit!" He slams a hand down on the granite island in the spacious kitchen. "God... What did I just say to her...?"