Actions

Work Header

He Used Renegades -- A Xenu Fanfiction

Chapter Text

A dark patch appeared in the sky. Then another. Soon the ships came by the hundreds. The Renegades, a small but tightknit network of remnant Xenu loyalists, had finally broken through the MEST-scrambler and had reached Teegeeack. The first hydrogen bomb rattled the planet. Soon, blasts of 500 megatonnes or more shattered through the planet's crust, and the life on the surface withered accordingly.

From the rubble and molten nuclear mess, Xenu emerged onto the surface. He glanced back at what was his home for the last 75 million years, an electronic mountain trap. He grimaced, the memory of those years now simply a reminder of the cosmic embarrassment that was his imprisonment. He turned forward to face the landscape before him, what once was a desert, now melted by thermonuclear bombardment to become a sleek plane of blackened glass. He could see his reflection in the smooth, shiny surface. A dust- and soot-covered face scarred by warfare stared back at him. Once he could get off this waste-dump of a planet maybe he could start to return his face to its former radiant glory.

The Earth had never had many Scientologists to call it home. Now there were six bodies who remained dedicated to the practice. The OT-X'ers, as they were called, lived in seclusion. In reality just one Thetan spirit running six bodies simultaneously, they acted collectively to secure themselves against the radiation. The Purification Rundown kept them safe, at least for now, against the destruction ravaging the rest of the planet. Auditing themselves on the Present Track to see the state of affairs of the rest of the planet, they saw him. He was dialing his planetary coördinates into a mobile communicator, beckoning his Renegade saviours. Another bomb blast outside their bunker disrupted their session.

White and red dots appeared in the sky. One, then ten, then hundreds as before. They began firing at the black dots. The Galactic Phœnix Org had arrived. The reformed remnants of the Galactic Confederation which had remained intact after the Xenu's takeover and overthrow, they came to ensure the Renegades' final defeat. Moreover, knowing the Renegades' intent here, they intended to seize Xenu and bring him before the intergalactic courts for trial.

The black dots fired back. The white ash of the planet's sky became lavender with the diffused light from the plasma bolts which fired between the rivaling crafts. A few Renegade crafts took advantage of the chaos to descend to the surface.

"Move! Move! Move!" the platoon sergeant charged. With force and precision, the special forces advanced onto the land. Beings of all different colours and shapes, they comprised the Renegades' most elite land and air rescue forces. Their appearance was almost comically macho - flamboyantly outfitted in military regalia with herculean muscles, broken teeth, and absurdly large guns. But behind their ridiculous presentation was a resolve for victory befitting only the most ardent fighters in the whole of MEST. They rushed forward and fanned out, efficiently and meticulously surveying the land for signs of their Lord. He had not given them any further communication after he had conveyed to them his coördinates. They would hold back nothing in completing their mission.

The OT-X'ers had settled down from the previous blast and began to continue their auditing. To them came a message particle, down through the Seventh Dynamic, hailing their full intent. It was a communication from the Bridge Crew of the Galactic Phœnix Org's command vessel. The Renegades had sufficient firepower to stop the Org from touching ground. The OT-X'ers, being the only land-based Dianetically-trained beings, would have to capture Xenu by themselves before the Renegade ground ops could rescue him. The Phœnix crew then transmitted a physical object, a gamma-radiation emitter, teleported through space. This would be used as a weapon to incapacitate Xenu once he was found. In response, the OT-X'ers relayed back the coördinates they had seen Xenu send out, which were over the middle of Mongolia. Once he was captured, they would wait at that location until a Phœnix ship could arrive. The needle on their E-Meter rose left, and then floated. The transmission had ended.

The OT-X'ers thereupon exteriorized, traversing through MEST until they had reached Xenu's location, seeing him standing from behind. Maintaining absolute silence, and with their full intention upon the gamma radiation device's emissions incapacitating power, they acted to collapse Xenu, that the Galaxy might be once again at peace. Xenu, however, remained standing. Without turning to face them, he raised his arms and ascended upwards about three metres into the air, the ground beneath him following in likewise motion, cracking and shattering as the rigid glass was unnaturally flexed. Xenu turned to face them. His face was grimaced and yet, as his body held gracefully an imperial standing posture, he projected a stoic resolve.

"You know nothing about galactic politics," he said calmly. "Let me show you what life is like outside of this insignificant planet." He smiled. "You have reached a high level of spiritual power. You have earned your place amongst the stars." From his side he produced the same instrument he had used before. Commanding a few buttons, it projected a series of six holographic displays, rectangular, in front of the six Operating Thetan bodies. The OT-X'ers looked at the displays, which presented images from throughout the cosmos. Searching their feelings, they found these images to be real, not fabrications as were the R6 Implants Xenu had employed before. Upon each image there was an arrow pointing to the right. Viewing each image, the Operating Thetans swiped left, scrolling new images onto their displays.

"The cosmos is a beautiful place," Xenu continued. "But cluttered. I resolved to give it more space. I came to your home Teegeeack to solve overpopulation. What happened, while unfortunate, was entirely necessary." The images on their screens showed images of truly awesome scale: man-made galaxies constructed by millions of species over billions of years, parallel universes and alternate realities, and overcrowded planets overflowing with refuse. With each image, Xenu continued to elaborate.

"This galaxy, unfortunately, was run by incompetent bureaucrats who enabled the unsavory tendencies of life to overrun law and order," he said. "You do not know these things. You came here to capture me, to bring me to trial. You would hand me over to the very same organization, the Confederacy, now the Phœnix Org, which betrayed and imprisoned me." The images on the screens became more intense, and growing ever grander in scale and scope. "Human life will never be able to comprehend the true scope of reality. Your species, only a million or so years old, is impossibly far behind." He paused for a moment, looking at the Operating Thetans' weapon. "You thought the gamma radiation would stop me. The Phœnix Org must have given it to you. I had anticipated as much. They are using you as pawns. It failed because I built a radiation shield out of the minerals under this mountain. What else was I to do down there for 75 million years?" He chuckled. The Thetans' gaze had lifted from the screens, considering Xenu's case, but they remained silent. Allured by the breathtaking images, they again looked down and returned to scrolling past images.

"Galactic civil wars do not end on human timescales," he continued. "I see by your interest in those images that you understand your insignificance, the futility of your efforts." The Thetans remained silent and impassive. He turned around and lowered the device to the ground. With that, the Apathy Implant was complete. Xenu walked forward, the mountain remaining between him and the Thetans, obscuring their inattentive view of him. The implanting process had gone far easier than he had expected. Not too surprising, though - they had installed it themselves. Their acceptance of their insignificance was his ticket to freedom. Another explosion rocked the surface on the ground nearby. The Thetans were knocked to their knees by the shockwave. Unmotivated to return to standing, they continued swiping at images from rest on the ground. A sorrow of futility overcame them as their peripheral vision caught the last glimpse of Lord Xenu slipping away into freedom under the fuchsia sky.

Soon, the Renegade ground forces could be heard in the distance. Having secured their Lord, they summoned a transport vessel. The Thetans heard the Galactic Lord and his Renegades beamed up by a stealth carrier. Operation Mollusc Return was a victory for the Renegade Axis Alliance. A final blast behind them, and the OT-X'ers, the last Clears on Teegeeack, and the last living beings on the planet, were gone. "It was their fault," Xenu thought. "They did not understood what they had. A false existence is better than a pointless one."