Jason froze, one leg out the window. "Uh, mornin'." he said, flashing an awkward smirk at Dick, who was sleepily sitting up on the bed. "Um, I was just--"
"--escaping." finished Dick.
"--leaving... casually." lied Jason.
Dick shot him an unimpressed look. "Bruce is off-world right now, you have nothing to casually escape from."
"Come have breakfast with the family downstairs. Alfred's omelettes have really evolved since the last time you were here."
Jason's window-leg was starting to cramp up. He pulled it back into the room (not because he wanted to stay, because of the cramp... shut up). "Look--" He was interrupted-- yet again-- by a knock at the door.
"Master Dick, breakfast will be on the table in approximately five minutes." called Alfred from behind the door.
"Thank you, Alfred. Jason will be joining us too." responded Dick, winking at Jason.
"Oh, what a splendid surprise that is!"
"Hi Al." sighed Jason, after mouthing 'fuck you, you fucking fucker' to Dick.
"-tt- Of course I could defeat Superman without the use of Kryptonite, Drake."
"I'm not having this conversation with you again, Damian." replied Tim. "...But you obviously couldn't."
"Yes I could Drake!" roared Damian. There was a reason Tim and Damian sat as far away from each other as they could at the table.
"Now, now, boys." hushed Alfred, placing their omelettes in front of them. "Behave yourselves in front of our guest."
"We have a guest?" questioned Tim, disinterested, eyes focused solely on the plate before him.
"Is it Superman?" asked Damian. "If it's Superman, warn him not to let his guard down."
"Master Dick brought a... friend home last night."
"Why is Dick always the one having sex and not me?" lamented Tim.
"Maybe because he's better looking and more talented and has a better personality and--"
"Ok, thank you Damian."
"Just trying to help, Drake." shrugged Damian before lobbing a forkful of omelette into his mouth.
"Who's our guest, Alfred?" inquired Tim.
"I don't know," answered Jason as he and Dick entered the dining room. "but I heard he's an asshole."
Damian slowed his chewing and swallowed dramatically.
"Ah, Master Jason, Master Dick. Your omelettes shall be ready in a few minutes."
"Thanks Alfred." said Dick. Alfred dipped back into the kitchen.
"What are you doing here, Todd?" quizzed Damian.
"I mean..." Jason gestured to Dick beside him as if he was a prize on a game show. "Bruce explained the birds and the bees to you right?"
Damian's face contorted as if Alfred's omelette had turned to raw sewage in his mouth.
"What's wrong Damian?" asked Dick.
Damian didn't answer, instead opting to get up and storm out of the room. Jay looked to Dick. "What's his problem?" Dick shrugged in response.
"Ooh, I've got a list!” said Tim, taking out his phone. "Let's see: entitlement, insecurity, annoying, mean, often yells unnecessarily, he doesn't like Toy Story which is outrageous--"
"Do you have a list of all the people you've had sex with on that phone too?" interrupted Jason. "Or does it not let you save blank documents?" That earned him a high five from Dick as they both sat down at the table.
Tim stared blankly at Jason. "I hate this family." he mumbled before returning to his omelette.
"Seriously though, what got Damian's scaly panties in a twist?" queried Jason.
"No idea." said Dick.
"Isn't is obvious?" Tim asked.
"If it was obvious, Timfucktu, you wouldn't need to ask now would you?" insulted Jason.
"...Not the biggest fan of your tone right now." replied Tim.
"Not the biggest fan of being beaten to death and coming back to life only to find some dorky stalker dork weirdo dork had taken my place."
Tim lowered his head and solemnly picked at his omelette with his fork. Dick nudged Jason in the ribs. "Stop being mean to Timmy."
"When I'm good at something Dickie, I stick with it."
"Well you must be really good at--" began Tim before Jason cut him off.
"Shh, shh shh shh. Just don't. Whatever you were going to say wasn't going to be that good, and I would come back with something vicious and destroy you. It wouldn't be worth it, Timydia. Honestly I feel bad here. It's like fighting a child with no limbs."
"...I fundamentally dislike you as a person." Tim got up, abandoning his half-eaten meal. "Damian's mad because he has a crush on Dick." he explained before leaving the room.
"No way." reckoned Dick.
"I know." said Jason. "Who could dislike me?"
After finishing their omelettes (Jason had to admit they really had evolved significantly since he last had one), Jason and Dick went about settling the Damian situation. "I'm assuming that is Damian's room?" postulated Jason, pointing to the room at the end of the hall with three high-tech security cameras outside of it, as well as a sticker on the door that read: 'Trespassers will be tortured and killed without mercy.'
"Where'd you get that idea?" drawled Dick. He approached the door as the security cameras tracked his every move.
"Go away, Grayson!" bellowed Damian from behind the door before Dick could even knock.
"Aw, don't be like that Dami. Why don't you come out?"
"Alright then. I'm a homosexual, Grayson. You can go away now."
"Very funny, Damian."
"That was actually quite funny, kid." Jason chimed in.
"...thank you, Todd." mumbled Damian.
"So, Timmy Neutron told us you've got the hots for Dick."
"Jason!" yelped Dick. "I was going to build to that."
"WHAT!" roared Damian. Dick put his ear to the door. He heard thudding footsteps, the sound of a drawer opening and then the clang of a metal sword.
"Damian, calm down. It's ok, crushes are a natural part of g--" Damian's sword pierced through the door just inches from Dick's head. Dick back-flipped away from the door to Jason's side shouting "JESUS FUCK."
The door violently swung open and Damian malevolently entered the hall, dual-wielding katanas. "Where is Drake?" he seethed.
"Hold up, short stop." said Jason. "I had a crush on Dick when I was Robin, I'm sure Tim Jong Un did too. It's basically a natural part of growing up in this god forsaken family."
"I don't have a crush on Grayson!" Damian snapped. "That's gross... he's basically my mother."
"Hey, that's... kind of true actually." admitted Dick.
Jay was very tempted to say 'So I've fucked both of your moms then?' but Damian was already fuming and heavily armed... oh what the hell. "So I've fucked both of your moms then?" He held up his hand to Dick, expecting a high five which he was not given. "Aw c'mon Dickipedia." Dick rolled his eyes and sighed before reluctantly granting Jason the high five. Jason rewarded Dick with a kiss on the cheek, causing Damian to let out a sort of primal growl. Jason quirked his brow. "Ok kid, seriously what in all fuck is your deal?"
"Nothing!" fired Damian. "I was just clearing my throat, Todd. I'm sure you're aware of the concept of phlegm, being a filthy smoker."
"Wait a minute." said Dick. "I think Tim was half right."
"That would make sense considering he's a half-wit." quipped Damian.
"Damian doesn't have a crush on me," Dick pointed to Jason. "he has a crush on you."
Damian's face flushed pure scarlet, a combination of embarrassment and outrage. "I-I-- Of course I don't-- I would never-- I-- How dare you spread such a lie!" he babbled.
"Aaaaaww" lilted Dick and Jason in unison.
Damian snarled and, in an act of blind rage, drove his swords into the wooden floor before storming back into his room and locking the door. "...May have struck a nerve there, Jonathan Lipdicki."
Dick glanced at Jason, unimpressed. "Jonathan Lipdicki?"
"Give me a break, only so much rhymes with Dick."
Damian lay face down on his bed, trying to will the last few hours out of existence. There was a tap at the window and Damian looked up to see Jason, balanced precariously on the window-ledge, gesturing at him to come over. Damian got up, walked towards the window and closed the curtains.
"I'm just going to break the window if you don't open it." informed Jason.
Damian sighed. He opened the curtains, then the window.
"Nice room you got here." Jay commented as he climbed in. "Very..." he noticed the large weapon collection, the shelves filled with books about history and war, the Cute Dog 2017 Calendar. "...you."
"Just go away, Todd." groaned Damian, flopping face down onto his bed again.
"Look, I know this is probably very embarrassing for you." began Jason. "Like if I were you I would be horrifically fucking embarrassed--"
"You will be horrifically fucking deceased if you don't shut up." snapped Damian.
"I'm just teasing, brat." chuckled Jason.
"Well you're not funny."
"An objective lie." replied Jason. "I can empathise with you though. Crushes suck at your age... Tell you what, I promise not to tease you about it anymore. But you've got to stop freaking out time any time you see me and Dick together."
"...If you avoid wearing tight clothing in my presence you've got a deal."
Jason looked down at his t-shirt. "Is it really that tight?" he asked.
"It's obscene." answered Damian.
Jason smirked. "Hey brat." Damian looked up at him. "We're still friends, right?"
"-tt- of course, Todd." said Damian, blushing. "Now get out before I use my scythe on you."
"You have a scythe?!"
Damian rolled his eyes. "Do I look like someone who doesn't own a scythe?"
"When you got it were you very exscythe-ed?"
"...PENNYWORTH, WHERE IS MY SCYTHE?"