Actions

Work Header

effusive (is that the word?)

Chapter Text

{8:01 p.m.}

penny im laughing so hard help me please

u dont even know

baz just

fuckin tripped on the threshold

like yes pls

wish id had a camera cuz it was PRICEless

 

{10:11 p.m.}

Excuse me. I think you have the wrong number.

whooooooooooooooooooops sorryyyyy

 

{10:23 p.m.}

whered u go stranger

stranger

stranger

stranger

personnnnnn

I was under the impression that this conversation wasn’t going to continue.

idk man im

effusive

is that the word

I wouldnt know i failed third grade

i think im drunk

but like, sleep drunk

wanna chat

Goodbye.

woah rude

woah

 

{11:03 p.m.}

…*Whoa.

STRANGER

ILY U RESPONDED

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

{11:42 p.m.}

leaivngm me on read okayyyy

weigh to e a good furedn

Are you drunk?

UYORE ACK

BACK****

NO

NOT DRUNK

WHATS UR NAME

I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t blocked you yet.

I still could.

I BET ITS SMTHING POSH AND AHSURD

*ABSURD

MY ROOMMATES NAME IS BAZ CAN U BELIEVE IT

LIKE

UNSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE RICH GIT MUCH

 

{12:00 a.m.}

Stereotypical assumptions much?

i mean he /iS/ an unsufferable asshle rich git

& its okay hes not here hes out somewhr idek

he cant read my hate speak over my shoulder

damn i h8 that guy

*Insufferable.

Goodnight.

tell me ur name b4 you go

Fuck off. Thanks.

 

{6:11 a.m.}

at least u said thanks

wicked sleep-hangover btw

and good morning

baz the asshole still isnt back so i can bitch abt him

because

he left shaving cream

all over the counter

and the toilet seat

and like, everywhere

and when i got up approximately .3 seconds ago to shit

i didnt turn on the light

 

{6:30 a.m.}

i have

shaving cream

up

my

asscrack

 

{7:03 a.m.}

stranger where r u

i miss u

its boring w/o baz

i think my babe pennys coming over later

penny is

the bomb.

diggity.

dammit ur absurd punctuation is rubbing off on me

;)

;)

rubbing

ahahahaahaha

the word “rubbing” is such a winky word

 

{8:00 a.m.}

i hope baz got laid

he needs it

 

{9:14 a.m.}

It sounds like you’re giving this Baz a pretty hard time.

STRANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!

ngl he deserves it

shaving cream. up. my. asscrack.

I would have liked to see that.

Wait.

That sounded wrong. Please don’t--

youd have liked to see my asscrack?

kiNKY

Chapter Text

{11:02 a.m.}

u didnt respond to that why

Um.

It’s rather endearing that you think I would actually respond to that.

brb looking up endearing

Shit.

OMG

YOU THINK IM ENDEARING

STRANGER <33333333

…..

Do you still have shaving cream up your rear end?

omg

“rear end”

i fuckin love you

and no, i do not

I can still block you.

And for the record, I was asking because I would have taken back the endearing if you still had shaving cream in your….asscrack.

(How crude.)

so u still think im endearing

I’m taking it back.

 

{11:57 a.m.}

this is smthing that only happens in bad fanfiction

u know

crazy wrong number

hot stranger

There are so many things wrong with that. But first of all: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never read any bad fanfiction.

Or regular fanfiction.

...they basically amount to the same thing.

UH RUDE

WHT IS UR PROBLEM

i bet ur british u sound british

thats a problem

but kinda hot

I'm not British. Are you?

nahhhhhhhhh

American? You’re crude enough.

damn ur literally baz just like, less hateful

kinda cute ;)

 

{12:12 p.m.}

babe

whered u go

i miss u

baz is back

he laughed at me for the shaving cream

hate him

hate him

hate him

hate him

hate him

hate him

hate him

 

{12:40 p.m.}

hes on his phone

probably plotting

If all you’re going to do is spam me about your roommate, I’ll block you, happily.

Perhaps I’ll block you anyway.

ur so rude

why do i love u so much

i literally dont even know ur gender

or name

OR AGE

omg

iNTERNET SAFETY

PENNY WOULD KILL ME

BABE

I dislike that name terribly.

then tell me your real one, whats your namemeeeeeeehehhehehehehehe

Since you articulated so well.

are u an old lady

that would be horrijle

im a boy

im 18

my name is simon snow

What.

A.

Name.

i sense sarcasm

or hatred

dont hate

i have blond hair

blue eyes

im cute

and

I’MMMM PANNNNNNNNNN

ur turn

 

{1:05 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

YOU’RE PAN.

 

{1:07 p.m.}

You just…

You just told me your name, age, gender, and appearance.

And you--

You came out to me.

ive always been out

i dont believe in “coming out”

its just a thing that i am

pan

pannnn

only person im not “out” 2 is baz

hes a homophobe on top of everything else

 

{1:11 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

What the fuck?

Do you really think that?

 

{1:14 p.m.}

How do you know he’s a homophobe?

how could he not be

That seems like an insanely stupid assumption, Snow.

THATS WHAT HE CALLS ME

UGHHHHHHH

MY NAME IS SIMON

That seems like an insanely stupid assumption

Simon.

awwww

OMG YOU FORGOT TO PUNCTUATE

OMG

I RATTLED U

BABE

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I TOOK SCREENSHOTS FOR EVIDENCE

Goodbye.

 

{2:59 p.m.}

omg just had a horrible thought:

dont block me

pls

I was thinking about it.

i need someone to rant to

abt baz

who is now scheming

still on his phone

brow wrinkled

now hes smiling a little

i hate his smile

disgusting

unsufferable

*Insufferable.

SMILE

what an asshole

and so fucking attractive too

?????

pshhhhhh no i mean like the girls

they must hate him

because he's such a hottie

and then

he goes n fucks w em n breaks their hearts

he got rlly blushy for a while there wtf

baz never blushes

then he flipped me off w/o looking

but still

it must be a good girl

Chapter Text

{6:08 p.m.}

lets play 20 questions

im listening to metallica and im drunk on a juice box

 

{6:19 p.m.}

rage against the machine is the best thing since aretha franklin

 

{7:00 p.m.}

I detest the phrase “I’m laughing so hard right now” but I feel like it applies here.

Your music taste.

My God.

What does your roommate think of it?

psh u think id let him lsiten yah right

i listen to tswizzle when he s aorund

2 piss him off

Taylor Swift.

uh yeah where u been for the last 47567654875987465634 years

tswizzle

MY BABE

after u

anyway

No, no. One moment.

Metallica and Aretha Franklin?

SHHHHH STOP HATING

mr high and mighty

Mr.?

oops

im super super super syoer sorry if i misgendered you and im not even kiddin bc that is SERIOUS

i just

i guess i been thinking of u as a boy

i’m like

dark-gray-ace demi-homoromantic pansexual-romantic

is that a thing

Are you being derogatory towards the LGBTQA+ community?

omg nononono i would never

((*happy face* u got all the letters right))

but srsly

i mean it

thats what i am

like idk how to label it but thats me

and ur cute

boy or girl or other

except maybe not old lady but

cute cute cute

love you

baaabbbeeeee

...

$5 ur smiling

You owe me five dollars.

I don’t smile.

 

{8:36 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

If you knew who I was you wouldn’t think I was cute.

 

{8:44 p.m.}

so 20 questions?

yes

okay

me first

whats ur name

...

I’ll go by Nico.

thats

super hot

ur like that guy in percy jackson

u know

the hot one

hot sexy death boi

and his hot sun god boifriend

thatd be me

Stop.

lemme guess “percy jackson is trash”

and u not actually a boi

IM SORRY IM COMITING SO MANY SOSHIL ERRORS

rip my speling im dancinmg to p!atd

ok then: pronouns?

I really don’t want to tell you this.

I feel like you’ll be

“unsufferable”, in your words.

But I suppose I can always block you.

He/him.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA I KNEW IT

AWWWWWWW

I BET UR A BEUTIFUL SPECIMAN

FUCKIN DELICIOUS

Please never use that combination of words /ever/ again.

yes mr fuckin delicious

MR fuckin delicious

ofc u could be lying but like who cares not MEEEEEEE

How have you survived this long, with these kinds of survival instincts?

penny

or my smokin hot bod

 

{9:09 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Definitely the latter.

 

{9:10 p.m.}

Definitely /not/ the latter.

And not your scintillating personality, either.

WHAT IS THAT WORD

STRANGER WTF

i mean

NICO

nico nico nico nico nico

nico

nico

Oh my God, stop.

20 QS ARE U RELIUGUIUYS

SORY STILL DANNFIJG

DANCING*

I’m not religious.

My family is, though.

They…

Do not approve.

Of me.

omg

aw

nico <3 babe

are u gay is tht why they kicked u out

You’re so subtle.

Really dancing around the point, there.

Yes.

I am gay.

Very, very gay.

ur baz 2.0

as rude n posh as baz but just altogether more gay n fabulous

i love u sm

Chapter Text

{12:00 a.m.}

make a wish

Made.

what was urs

If I tell you, it won’t come true.

mine was 2 hold ur hand

i looooooooooveeeeeeee holding hands

 

{12:05 a.m.}

baz just made this noise a minute ago

i thought he farted in his sleep

so i laughed

but then he sat up and glared and hes not asleep, he has his phone

fuckin iphone 72 or smthung idk hes rich and greasy

...like snape but w a rockin bod

but anyway it wasnt a fart

it was like

TBBBHTHT

like he was choking on happiness

idk that was lame im not a poet and i cant punctuate and

no im not having an identity crisis at 12 am, ill cry and baz will laugh and hahaha no

help. me.

 

{12:11 a.m.}

hes still smiling

kinda blushy

...

aHA he must be plotting

 

{12:20 a.m.}

nico

hon

babe

yor age?

*Your.

Nineteen.

promise?

Yes.

But I wouldn’t be telling you this if it wasn’t midnight, all right?

Just remember that.

 

{12:26 a.m.}

so ur 19

a boy

gay

not religious

posh

formal

absurd

and wonderful

...i want a picture

Not happening.

im trustworthy promiuse prmose promise

i never drink never smoke never do drugs and im a virgin

kind of

okay not realy

How…

How can you be “kind of” a virgin?

im a virgin at heart but nowhere else

Snow.

uyghhhh SIMON

Simon.

That’s utterly absurd.

Have you had sex or have you not had sex?

i

i dont wanna discuss this rlly

Does this have

anything to do with

you being gray-ace? 

u remembered

I’m sorry I pressured you.

its okay

hees the deal

*heres

i sexed a bit in hi scool, experymentlly

Simon, that’s not a thing.

“Slept with people.”

“Fucked people.”

“Had sex.”

But not “sexed.”

yah so i sexed in hi scool

then idk

heres the version ppl think happened:

my gfriend senior year pressured me

agatha

we made a te=rrbiel coyuple

my misspelling of terrible indiscates just how bad

anyway

i think it shld probly be counted as sexual assault or harasment or

idk

but

anyway thats true

and this is also true

i dont like sex, i dont want to have it

but my aversion to it was unrelated 2 her dumbness

the version ppl think happened was that

no more sex

bc of her

thats not tru, id always kinda suspected but i rlly realized i was aceish after i sexed

not after agatha

after agatha i just realized she was  not nice

n so anyway

i just want u 2 kno thats what ppl /think/ but ive always

been that

what i am

aceish

“dark gray-ace”

i dont wanna have sex but jokes are  still ok

im sry if my labeling was incorrect?

idk why the jokes are fine and the me part isnt

((the me part is never okay lets b real))

idk what i am nico

im a fucking tragedy

thats what i am

 

{12:39 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

You /are/ a fucking tragedy.

You literally couldn’t be a bigger mess.

 

{12:42 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

And I love it.

Because we match.

 

{12:45 a.m.}

baz just left

like slammed the door, i can hear him down the hall

99% shur hes crying wtFFFFF

ngl i kinda wanna go after him

 

{12:48 a.m.}

Really?

hha just to tease the asshle lol

Chapter Text

{4:36 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Maybe you should just

give him the benefit of the doubt?

How bad can he be?

 

{4:38 a.m.}

nico u were tyoin an dhthen u went uwiawyyyy

That wasn’t English, Simon.

fk eglisn

i vie uy

?

I’m just going to say no.

I don’t know what you’re asking.

But no.

 

{5:01 a.m.}

Did you fall asleep?

no

im listening to tswizzle

i sobered up

I thought you said you don’t drink.

i drink sleep

i fuckin get high off sleep

now

you were typing

whats up

When?

like 4:30

Oh.

I was just--

I was just maybe going to suggest that you give your roommate the benefit of the doubt.

And maybe go, you know.

Talk to him. Since he was crying. But it’s probably too late now.

NICO UR SO SWETE WOAH

BUT LIKE IF U KNEW BAZ

anyway yah idk where he is

where ar yeu u sound si awak

oh fuc im geting drunk aguahn

I’m…

Just at the park.

Sitting.

I JUD REALIZED SOMETHING

NICO

U HAVE PENNYS AREA CODE

/MY/ AREA CODE

U LI E AROUND EHGRE

WHICH PARK WHICH PARK

IJFEWKYGYWFGEJHDJGFYEUWJHSVDB NICO <333333 IM COMINGIMGETTING OUT OF BED IMMA FIND YOUuUUUU

...I’m going to my aunt’s.

Goodnight.

u shmeless party pooper

okay WELL nighty night stay safe nicky boo

ily like a brother

or

i guess not

ily like a lover

madly

desperately

passionately

dream of me babe <3

 

{5:26 a.m.}

It would be a nightmare.

Chapter Text

{11:19 a.m.}

yo mamas so fat she left the house in hi heels n when she came back she had on flipflops

AHA

yo mamas so fat i ran out of gas tryna drive around her

AHA

yo mamas so fat even dora couldnt explore her

AHA

 

{1:34 p.m.}

yo mamas so fat she tried to go on hunger strike with ghandi but it turned out ahe had so much boddy fat that her boddy fed off of itself and became a self sustaining machine so e eryone laughed at her cuz her hunger strike was so uneffective and awful but it turned out she made a self sustaining machine so like all the scientists were like yes pls and put her in a cage where she gave birth to u and thats why ur a zoo animal

isnt that so good

i made it up myself

ik u cohldnt tell cuz it sounded so pro

hella pro

where ru

i want u to criticize me

 

{4:33 p.m.}

Kinky.

 

{6:07 p.m.}

omfg

im rubbing ;) off on u

 

{7:00 p.m.}

I don't have a mama.

omg

nico

baby

Don't ever call me that ever ever ever again.

BABY WHY DIDNT U TELL ME NOW I SPOILEDEVERYTHING AND IM SORRY AND MY JOKES ARE HORRIVLE AND IM A HORRIVLE PERSON AND I WANNA SHEIVEP AHSJSHDHSB WIWJDBBD BABY <3

((but like they were good jokes rite))

 

{7:15 p.m.}

Talk to me.

Oh my God.

You capitalized.

And punctuated.

whATTTTt ??? ???? !!!!!!!!!)???!!))))$)()2):$:$2$-):

id never do that

Screenshotted.

auahshshahHAHSJDHDHSHW FUCK

 

{7:39 p.m.}

srsly

nico

talk to me

Why should I confess my troubles to a stranger who can’t capitalize, spell, or properly use the English language?

It sounds like I’d do better with your roommate.

u dissin me for baz

omfg

i thought we were lovers

/passionate/ lovers ;)

She died when I was five.

Dumbass tourists at Yellowstone baited a bear and ran.

She tried to.

 

{8:01 p.m.}

idk what to say

im sosorry

It’s fine. I don’t need your sympathy.

nico

ur such a sensitive lil cinnamon roll

dont cry

You may--

Um.

Fuck.

Ugh.

Hate you.

I owe you five dollars.

oH

MY GOD

YOU SMILED

BABE WTF WTF WTF WTFF FUCKFUCKK

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I MADE YOU SMIIIIIIILLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

so glad baz is off somewhere bc im legit dancing around the room

You are--

There’s not a word strong enough to describe how indescribably awful you are.

and u luv it

u luv me

we r passionate lovers

forfuckinever

 

{9:16 p.m.}

baz just gave me a slice of pizza

what is wrong w the world today

its like u and he are psychhcically linked

idk how to spell that

but anytime u act weird

like smiling bc im hella heckin fuckin cute

he does too

damn good pizza

his phone is freakin out now

wonder who the girl is

imma ask him

 

{10:00 p.m.}

HE DIDNT EVEN PUNCH ME

HE SAID IT WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS AND I SHOULD CRAWL BACK TO HELL WHR I CAME FROM

PRACTCLLY A LOVE LETTER

im just staring at him now to unnerve him

& ngl hes hottttttt

like, id do that

metaphoruically since i dont “do”

pity hes straight

and the rudest poshest most unsufferable terriblest jerk that ever lived

 

{10:11 p.m.}

he turned into this lowkey blushing mess when he read his phone

i wonder if u look like that when u read my texts

 

{12:02 a.m.}

OMG WAY

=WHERE R U

some ppl dont get that, idk why

Here. I was...occupied.

u sound like a james bond villain

hi babe

r u jealous of baz

since i said hes hot

hawt hawt hawt

hawhawhthawth

No, Simon.

I can’t say that I am.

hawthawt--oh.

im fuckin crushed u fucker how fuckin dare yu

You’re so eloquent. I always look forward to your Shakespearian comments.

u alwys look forward to me

babe

sweetest thing u hv ever said

imma go cry on bazs shoulder

 

{12:43 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{12:46 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS UNSHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{12:48 a.m.}

oh my fucking shit

That’s not a thing.

Also, shut up.

It was an accident.

UR IN THE DORMS

UR LOCATION

IN THE FREAKIN DORMS

U GO TO MY SCHOOL

U LIVE WHERE I LIVE

U ARE IN THE CAFETERIA SMWHER

U DRINK FROM WATER FOUNTAINS I DO

U PEE WHERE I PEE

do u ever misfire and pee on the back of the toilet, theyr such an inconveenyent hight

U TAKE MY LESSONS

UR PROLY IN MY CLASS

ONE OF THEM

WHICH ROOM

WHICH ROOM

DO U SHOWER IN MY SHOWER

omg

i just had the dirtiest thought ive ever had ever

U WALK THE HALLS WHERE I WALK

AND THE COMMONS

AND THE GROUNDS

AND THE BIG OAK TREE W THE FAIRY LIGHTS

WHAT IF WERE FRENDS

LIKE BESTIES

lol what if ur penny

NO UR A BOI

UR MY BOI

NICKY <3

WERE NEIGHBORS

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

ILY

 

{3:36 a.m.}

I could just be sleeping with someone who goes here.

Hot passionate sex.

lookin forward to the hot passionate not-sexual sex that we wll share smeday

u can not-sexually make love to me

 

{4:01 a.m.}

I’m this close to blocking you.

no ur not

...No, I’m not.

Chapter Text

{3:13 p.m.}

20 qstions

do u love me

Fuck no.

 

{3:27 p.m.}

20 qstions

do u like me

Hell no.

 

{3:40 p.m.}

progress!!!!!!!

do u tolerate me

No.

HAHAHAHAHA VICTORY WE GONNA WORK UP TO LOVE NICE AND SLOW

ILL TELL THIS STORY AT OUR WEDDING

VEGAS OR THE REAL DEAL UR CHOICE

Germany, to celebrate the legalization.

OMFG U ACTUALLY WANT TO

LETS GO

...I will never understand you.

if u love this woman go get her

what are u waiting forrrrrr

Pardon me?

r u aaron burr sir

omg u unleashed the hamilbeast inside of me

i had tried to keep it in

hv u ever seen hamilton

No.

neither have i

but i hv the ebtire soundtrack memorized

word 4 word

everythings coming back to me

no ones made a hamilton reference in like

5 weeks

damn

thats like going without peeing for 5789895749867568986 hours & theres a waterfall next to u

U AND I SHOULD WRITE A RAP MUSICAL NICKY AND IT CAN PLAY AS WE GHET MARRIED IN GERMANY

with lots of priude flags waving victorriusly from the hites

and no dads

bc ew

You’re not a fan of your father?

uh

he left me 4 dead on pennys doorstep

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That--

That is a truly horrifying emoticon.

And a really

REALLY

Unfortunate occurrence.

But mostly a truly horrifying emoticon.

Your mother?

piccturing u sayingthat in a british accent

youuw muddah?

….That’s not British.

yah tis

tis

tis

tis

haha im british

...That’s not British, either.

But--your mother?

dead

we both have fuckedup families nico

its okay

well find a family in each other

 

{9:02 p.m.}

THERE WOULDA BEEN NOTHIN LEFT TO DO FOR SOMUNE LESS ASTUTE HE WOULD BE EN DEADAND DESTITUTE WIHOUT A SENSEA RESOLUTION

It’s “restitution”.

 

{10:13 p.m.}

uh bitch excuse me

whos hamiltrash u or me

I don’t know.

Hey, our kid is pretty great.

By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a trading charter.

NICO

WTF HAVE U BEN HIDING FROM ME

BITCH

ILY

JUST

MARRY ME RN

Sorry--in the living room stressin’. My father’s stone-faced while you’re asking for his blessin’.

 

{10:39 p.m.}

Snow?

 

{11:00 p.m.}

Simon?

DAW BABE “SIMON”

That’s your name.

IK BUT LIKE BAZ

is always all

SNOW

*vampire eyes*

*cackling*

*more cackling*

*screaming*

u should move in

ud be such a great roommate

no joke

if i had u for a roommate id be the happiest man alive

Chapter Text

{11:54 a.m.}

dont drink alcohol b4 12:01 pm

 

{12:01 p.m.}

That’s arbitrary.

Have you been drinking?

 

{12:11 p.m.}

shhh

 

{12:16 p.m.} can u come n get me

Are you drunk?

yes

ir no

idk

nico just

i just

come n get me

I can’t.

You know I can’t.

Where are you?

pretzas

Of course you’re at a gay bar at 12:20 in the afternoon.

Goddammit, Simon.

Are you drunk?

yes

i tyoe better drunk than not

wht a fcking mess

Stay there.

Don’t you dare move until you’re sober.

 

{4:57 p.m.}

YAH I DISREGARDED U I LEFT THE BAR AND KINDA WANDERED OUTSIDE

AND BAZ WAS RIGHT THERE WITH SOM GROCERES

N I MUSTA BEEN MEGA DRUNK

BC I HAD THIS DREAM WHR HE

DROVE. ME. HOME.

 

{5:15 p.m.}

How uncharacteristic and kind.

Perhaps this will convince you to treat him with more respect.

lol it ws a dream hon

best dream ive ever had, sure

but just a dream

i walked back to campus irl

im sure

...i cant remember but im sure

 

{6:00 p.m.}

You should go to sleep.

You sound hungover.

at 6 fking pm

i mean

its nice u care

<3

v nice

what happened to evil nico

I don’t care. I just want you to leave.

aaaaand thre he is

shame

u wr so sweet

$5 maybe? for that?

In your dreams.

...Lke Baz.

ugh shut uP IDK WHY I HAD THAT STUPID DRUNK FANTASY

**********************************************DREAM

 

{6:09 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I owe you somewhere around the order of five hundred dollars.

Especially after that last text.

 

{6:11 p.m.}

r u mad at me

Always.

aww :) thx hats reasurring <3

 

{7:17 p.m.}

Twenty questions.

What’s on your bucket list?

meet u

kiss u

go to arkansas

see hamilton

own a bra

u?

Never meet you.

Kiss someone in the rain (not you).

Convince you your roommate’s not a total asshole because it seems you’re being absurd (as per usual).

Go to Italy.

See Hamilton (not with you).

Tell my father stridently to go fuck himself.

Hold hands with a boy (not you).

 

{7:23 pm.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Tell you who I am.

Kiss you in the rain.

Make you fall in love with me despite the fact that I /am/ your asshole roommate.

Go to Italy.

See Hamilton with you.

Tell my father stridently to go fuck himself.

Hold hands with you.

 

{7:25 p.m.}

have u never

nico

have u never held ahnds

Never.

o

m

G

idk what to say

thats horrible

horriblehorriblehorrible

imma hold ur hand

We’re not meeting.

And no.

we dont have to

wed be sitting next to each other

watchin a movie

something horrible and terrifying that ud love and id hate

((i make sacrifices for love))

dark

ur hand on ur knee

my hand on mine

 

{7:37 p.m.}

it would be distracting

to have our hands so close

 

{7:40 p.m.}

id lift mine and ud look at me n id slide my hand against yours

very softly

ud turn urs over

palm against palm

and our fingers would just

 

{7:44 p.m.}

interlock

neatly

like a movie

 

{7:46 p.m.}

ur hands warm

a little callused

i hold it for the rest of the movie

 

{7:49 p.m.}

we dont wanna let go

 

{8:01 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I am so unbearably in love with you right now.

 

{8:15 p.m.}

Keep dreaming, Snow.

Chapter Text

{10:34 p.m.}

20 qstions

favorite person in the wrld

ik u gonna say me but imma spesify: an irl person

You’re my least favorite person in the world.

<3

Probably my little sister.

dawwwwwww

is she cuuuuute

i bet she issssss if shes related 2 u she hassss to b

like, not weirdly cute

u know

;like, kid cute

like pudgy cheeks n shit

She’s seven and is currently going through a Goth Barbie phase.

how precocious

 

{11:11 p.m.}

make a wish

Made.

wht was urs

I don’t feel the need to tell you.

tell me

No, thank you, no, no, no.

so many commas

a plethora of commas

Nice word!

aw i squeezed an exclamation point outta u

That was the most inexpressibly dirty sentiment I have ever heard.

BAHAHAHA UR RIGHT

bet i could squeez some more ;) ;)

 

{11:58 p.m.}

did u smile when u saw this text come in

No.

rlly

No.

thats what i thought

luv u

Sure you do.

???? hAVNT U EVER HEARD IFO LIOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?????

Love at first sight is a patently ridiculous and untrue concept.

Thought up by morons and distributed to an idiotic and brainwashed community of romantic fools.

…….im guessing u dont like lala land then

I mean.

The music was moderately decent.

AND WHT ABT THE LOVE

N THE TRAGEDY

N THE LOVE

N THE TRAGEDY

N ESPECIALLY THE TRAGEDY

It was one-dimensional. Predictable. It glorified things.

ur just sayin that 2 save face bc u cried ur fuckin head off when u saw the end

it was beautifuk

nico im crying

u think im an idiotic brainwashed romantic fool

and u like lala land

yes fuckin please

 

{12:33 a.m.}

baz keeps making these lil dying duck noises

i asked him again abt the girl

he said she was lovely and had held his hand and i shoud fuck off and flush my head down the toilet

!!!!!!!!she held his hand!!!!!!!!!

who would hold bazs hand?

 

{1:00 a.m.}

I’d like to meet this Baz.

...u wanna meet baz n not me

Yes.

I find him intriguing.

*horrifying

The fact that I trust your opinion about as much as I trust Hamilton not to cheat means there’s a very large chance he’s a lovely guy.

We could get coffee.

Hold hands, even.

HV U HEARD NOTHING IVE SAID

HES HOMOPHOBIC N HORRIBLE N

You don’t know he’s homophobic.

Actually, people who are (irrationally) suspected of having homophobic tendencies often turn out to be self-denying and gay.

Or just gay.

Very, very gay.

 

{1:12 a.m.}

BAZ GAY OMG

CAN U IMAGINE

HES LITERALLY WEARING A SOCCER JERSEY TO BED

IM WEARING A PINK TSHIRT THAT SAYS “BABE” ON IT

 

{1:36 a.m.}

omfg

nucooooo

do u rember whn i sed u n baz wr psyhchialyl linked

((sry tyoung fast iugnore spelking errors))

Yes, I remember.

Another reason to suggest we’d be the best of friends.

SHHH

HJE COOEDNME SINIB

Pardon?

HE CLOE DME SIUM

Ah, that clears things right up.

EFUCKKKKKK

HE CALED ME SIMON

...Yes, that’s your name.

NONIBONONO DO U REMBER

*CACKLING*

SNOOWWWWWWWWWWWW

like fuckin ursula in the lil mermaid

n im ariel

or that hot prince

((damn he was fine))

BUT I SAID

WHY U GLARIN @ ME BOI

n he was like

glaring simon? rlly? cant i stare off into space every once n a while without u finding a reason im plotting agaisnt u???????????

n i was like

BAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZ

JU CALLEDNME SIUIMMMMONNNNNNN

i think i had fuckin heart eyes

thn he threw a jockstrap at me

were practically bffs now

 

{3:00 a.m.}

ugh u know when u get the toilet plunger stuk to the flor

n ur dorm superviser is like

fuckin in tallahasee

not

/fucking/ in tallahasee

but fucking /in tallahasee/

i mean

for all i know she is

Simon.

:) the way u say my name is like a hug :)

:) over the wireless network :)

:) a phone hug :)

You utter moronic dickhead.

awwwwww

How did you get the toilet plunger adhered to the floor?

the toilet ws clogged

i ws curious if the plugner wold stikto everything or just toilets

turns out it sticks to everythig

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Don’t ever send me that again.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

{3:15 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{3:16 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS UNSHARED THEIR LOCATION WITH YOU

 

{3:17 a.m.}

FUCK.

I was trying to block you.

UR IN THE DORMS AGAIN

WTF NICO BABE LOVER LIGHT OF MY LIFE

<3

UR NOT SLEEPING W OSMEONE HERE

!!!!!!!!U LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!

i feel lightheaded

that could just be b ci tried to pull the punger up and instead hit my head on the towl rack

Chapter Text

{1:11 p.m.}

i called baz boo today

look on his face was fking pricelesssssss

he left immediatly

goin to go scrub the gay off i assume

 

{2:03 p.m.}

Or wank in the bathroom.

 

{2:47 p.m.}

nico

im floored

u did not just say that

omg

im laughing so hard

WANK?

wanker

u wanking wanker u

wank me ;)))))))))

******Jerk off.

BOI N U SAY UR NOT BRITISH

I read a lot of British books.

And I still suspect your “homophobic” rommate is gay.

I could probably seduce him, anyway.

I’m very good at s eduction.

speaking of jerking off u nasty boi

baz is in the room how subtle do u think i can be

 

{3:00 p.m.}

IM JOKING FRIEND RELAX

HE LEFT

COOL UR GUNS

IM NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO UR NAUGHTY TEXTING

Thank you for this extremely relevant information that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

WILL U ;)

i wanna know where baz is tho

did u know i dont evn have his number

liek

wut????????

WE ROOMMATES BITCH

ROMMTES HAVE EACH OTHERS BACKS

if this was a book wed watch ferris bueller together n cuddle

n sing hamilton

wed text each other dirty jokes

wed hold hands

Oh, Snow.

I’m not sure if those are all things roommates ordinarily do.

If so, my roommate and I need to up our game.

u have a roommate

male or female

i FORGOT U GO TO MY COLLEGE

...Every time, this is like a brand-new discovery.

Male.

And.

He’s very cute.

Immensely cute.

….

duxkfehwifghtenm

fuckin fight me

make him fight me

ill kill him

bet hes ugly af

bet hes a pitiable excuse fr a human being

damn

damndamndamn

U GON DENY OUR LOVE FOR SOME SHITTYASS DUMB ROOMMATE OF URS????????

 

{4:02 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I screenshotted all of that. Thank me later, you shittyass dumb roommate of mine.

When we’re dating.

When we’re friends.

When we’re on generally civil terms.

WHO AM I KIDDING WE’LL NEVER BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN ENEMIES FUCKING KILL ME NOW END THIS MISERY WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO

 

{4:08 p.m.}

There’s no love to deny for this “shittyass dumb roommate of [mine]”.

omg ur such a pretentious ass

u put the [ ]

who tf does thatwhat does that even mean

ily

ur crazy

fuckin nuts

ily anyway

It would be a bit hypocritical of you not to, seeing as you’re moderately insane yourself.

MODERATELY

BBY STEPS

WE MAKIN PROGRESS

TWENTY QUESTIONS DO U TOLERATE ME

...I suppose. That you’re. Occasionally. Sometimes. A little bit entertaining.

But not often.

Like maybe, once every two days.

For a very short amount of time.

 

{4:19 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

You make me laugh so hard I cry. You make me smile, all the time. Those “lil dying duck” noises I make are all because of you. Everything I am right now, I am because of you.

 

{4:21 p.m.}

nicky idk if u realize how much im in love w u

like

it would be a criminal act to deny our love

lets kill ur roommate and run away

 

{4:25 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Keep the roommate.

I’d miss him if he left.

Chapter Text

{10:24 p.m.}

nico

nicolas

It’s…

Nicodemus, actually.

wow how great I WAS JUST THINKIN I NEEDED /MORE/ PoSH ABSURDITY

NICODEMUS

WTF ARE U FROM THE 18TH CENTURY

 

{10:30 p.m.}

wanna ft

As in, FaceTime?

psh whatev

No.

I absolutely one hundred percent do not.

 

{10:33 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO FACETIME

 

{10:34 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS DENIED THE FACETIME REQUEST

 

{10:35 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO FACETIME

 

{10:36 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS DENIED THE FACETIME REQUEST

 

{12:00 a.m.}

how incredibly rude

but u kno

im over it

im throwin lil pieces of balld up paper at baz

one might even call em wads

wads

wads, u wanker

I’m trying to sleep. Shut up.

no ur not

ur smiiiiiiiiiiling

i bet i can make u smile more

wanna know how id kiss u

No. I might vomit.

*smile

i would be laughing

u would 2

mayb

actually idk u might be glowering

i would kinda fall against u

cuz i was laughin so hard

i bet u have a very strong chest

i bet im level with like, yr chin

my face would end up in that part of ur neck where its by your shoulder and id probaly drool all over u

id take ur shoulders

pull myself upright

look at u

then i would lean firward

nd i would o so gently

bite.

your.

jaw.

 

{12:29 a.m.}

nfwhjbdgbdfghvjyehgdhjvjhdfhvrjfhd fuck you.

Ahem.

I was not affected by that at all.

u lil

WANKER

ILYSM

I MADE U SMILE

I MADE U LOSE COMPOSURE

I MADE U BE A FLIRTY BLUSHY IDIOT

ALL BY BITING UR JAW

ur socute i cant even deal

i wonder what woulda hppened if id actually gotten to the kissin part

ud hv been a litle nico explosion

kapow

 

{12:36 a.m.}

id lick ur top lip

v slowly

 

{12:40 a.m.}

That’s overrated.

excus me???????

Tongue is overrated.

Just.

Do it like this.

Not that--

You know.

Not that I’d want you to.

To me.

EVER.

But.

I figure I should educate you.

So here’s how I would.

NOT BECAUSE I’M ATTRACTED TO YOU!!!!!!!

I would  kiss your bottom lip.

...

Then your top lip.

...

...

I would turn my head.

It would be really light.

...Our noses would probably get in the way, seeing as you’re an unbearably clumsy asshole.

I would put a hand to your temple

and push back your hair. My other hand would be on your waist.

I would kiss you for so long, y ou wouldn’t be able to breathe.

When you did--when I gently pushed your mouth open with mine--

you would breathe my air.

I would be reluctant to let you go.

 

{1:03 a.m.}

I’m going to bed.

Goodnight.

Chapter Text

{10:19 a.m.}

Does he know it’s you yet?

No.

Of course not.

When are you going to tell him?

I’m not.

Are you actually insane?

I don’t know

If you ever decide to, let me know

I want to be in the room when he reads it

So I can see the look on his face

 

{12:44 p.m.}

He still hasn’t responded.

I knew it was too much.

Bunce, I don’t know what to do.

He must have taken it too far.

It was literally a platonic kiss.

Basilton

Hon

That’s fucking absurd

 

{1:04 p.m.}

Didn’t you see his reaction, though?

Since you’re ROOMMATES??

I couldn’t.

I got up right after the jaw-biting.

And went to the bathroom.

For

reasons.

And finished the PLATONIC kiss there.

And then I slept at Fiona’s again.

I haven’t gone back yet.

TMI

don’t need to know why you went to the bathroom

You should go back and see him

Yeah, no thanks.

Then I will

Be right back

Bunce, no.

Bunce.

Penelope.

PENNY.

STOP.

 

{1:31 p.m.}

The door was locked

 

{1:33 p.m.}

Hey Simon, are you okay? Your door’s locked

 

{1:36 p.m.}

penny she found me

 

{1:37 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{1:37 p.m.} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

hey simon! got ur number from rhys. hows college?

okay that was so fake and bad

si

i honestly

like

im so sorry

idk what to say

 

{1:40 p.m.}

Oh my God

Basilton

Look at this

 

{1:41 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-4520 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{1:45 p.m.}

What the fuck does she think she’s playing at?

Doesn’t she know what she’s DONE to him?

Baz I think he’s really torn up

I don’t know what to do

Can you come back? You have a key

He won’t let me in

 

{1:48 p.m.}

Stay the fuck out of my boyfriend’s life.

ur

excuse me?

do ik u?

My name is Baz Grimm-Pitch.

Your name’s Agatha.

I repeat.

Stay the fuck out of my boyfriend’s life.

are u talking abt simon??

what the fuckkkkk

is he gay??

is that why he was so weird abt everything all the time?

baz?

baz?

 

{2:00 p.m.}

baz?

 

{2:02 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS BEEN BLOCKED

 

{2:06 p.m.}

Baz, come back

What did you do?

 

{2:08 p.m.}

simon wtf

fuck off aggie i dont want 2 talk 2 u

how did ur boyfriend get my number

excuse me?

ur boyfriend

u know

(204)-978-6060

baz

Chapter Text

{1:36 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

BBEUHJKBDSBKHDSHKBDSHBKDSHBKDSBHKDSBHKDSBKSDBKDSBHDSBHKDSBHKDSBKHDSKBHDSBHKSDBHKSDKBSDBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSBHKDSBHKSDBHKSDBHKSDBHKSDBHKDSBHKDSBHKDSBHKSDBHKDSufegrisdyfgwjyhgdsv,jhgjwrhgsdfhjEUHKWFGJHEWHGFYEWGJHBMDBSJFWFDHJKEOUYFHGEGDHGHAJSGSFDGFVDBNVBXVCBVXSAghegyehjgfhjergidujhgew,dhsbjgewyhgfhwjegfhjwegfhjwegfsdafwhgfegjrtuoikhjgmnrfvbwbcbwbckbhkwerhkberkherhkerhkrbhrfbotghjkbewjlnahsdvsdbzvxbvcvbxvbckvdhvkevnaskhvwqdgjwebjkhewjkfhkewgkhfwegfkhewgfkhewngfkhwegfwehkgr2khgewfbhdsncxweuhjkdsbnbhejgdbvbbsbbnnbnbnbnbnbnbnbbnsuguywejhsdvbgiuywqgyu378478475479549754jbgojkfbnbdshasvhvshvhvavshvdhvsfkhfvjdks

 

{1:43 a.m.}

MESSAGE HAS BEEN DELETED: DRAFT TOO LONG TO SEND

 

{2:13 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

u kno how i said i wasnt sexually attracted to ur texts

pfft

simon u blatant liar u

pfft

pfft

PFFT

PFFFFFFffffuck

can i still be gray-ace if i get sexually aroused???????

tell u a secret

(well not cuz these aint sending but)

ive never gotten aroused? the sex was bad bc i wasnt

but im a lil bit now

just like tingly and happy and

well 

HOW DO PPL KNOW THIS STUFF

WHAT AM I NICO

i dont want to sex but i want to think abt sex

with you

 

{2:19 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

nicky u kno everythng

tel me what i am

 

{2:20 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

idk why im not sending any of this

oh yah

i do

im not sending bc im freakin out now bc i feel like

we actualy have a chance

no offens but u were kinda like

a pipe dream

like a bad fanfic

thas what this felt like

n now

like

i think

i think i have a chance

i dont wanna mess up

i think give me some time and i could

win u over

i could kiss u 4 real

i could see u

n hold ur hand

thats fucking terrifying

i didnt that could ever happen

woah

woah.

 

{3:09 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

i need 2 either send or go 2 sleep

i dont want 2 do eihter

MISS U BABE

<3 <3 <3 <3 oooxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxxxxxxxx whichones are kisses i frgt

o well take all of em

 

{3:13 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

u good at kissing

i mean

virtually

but i bet u good irl too

soft lips

MMmmMMMMmmmMMM…...mmmmmMMMmmm...mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm...o babe pls yesss...mmGHGHHHHHhhMmmmmm

fuck off simon

((can u tell

im channeling u))

 

{3:21 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

oh yah i forgt to tell u but baz picked up n LEFTTTTTTTT

right b4

The Kiss™

halelooyah he didnt see me j--

um

nvm

 

{3:25 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

OH WAIT

IM NOT SENDING ANY OF THESE

 

{3:28 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

he didnt see me reacting to ur kiss

i say

“reacting”

((that whole long jumble of letters

that wouldnt send bc of fuckin length requirments

that was accompanied by

“reacting”))

am i aceish nicodemus

...u posh n lovely lil rascal?

i doubt it now

bc of my  “reaction”

i dont know how this stuff works

 

{3:44 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

i feel a lil better

thr are all these different layers of ace

like

physically repulsd is one end of the spectrum

SPECCCCCCTRUUUUUUUMMMMMM

thats a dayum good word

what was i sayin

oh yah

repulsed is one end of the SPEEEYCTCTTRUUUMMMMMMMMM

((that was spelled right))

n then at the other end

thr r like ppl who would totally do sex fr their partners or whatever

if their partners wanted to

but they just, u know

would wnt to go swimming more

thats a big spectrum

i like that

still not sure where i fall

cant find a place for

“generally repulsd by the physical act of sex but not that repulsed by mental fantasies of the physical act of sex”

“and does not object to a lil, um, REACTING and dealing w the reaction ever y once in a while”

“also jokes are funny”

“especially my own”

“n penises are semi hot”

“but i wouldnt want one in me”

“ever”

god damn

thr should be a spectrum just for me

 

{5:00 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

look

here

what ive been trying to say IS:

i rlly like u

like, really

and i know thas crazy cuz this is all digital n idk ur real name or appearance or ANYTHING

but i know u?

i mean, i do

it feels like i do

i know u nicky

and i like what i know

 

{5:11 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

goodnight nico bb love babe hon sweetie pie cutie n thank u so much

rlly

4 the sweet n considerate

n reaction-inducing

BOI ON BOI ACTION

what can i say ;)

even tho u cant see any of this i still couldnt resist

Chapter Text

{2:30 p.m.}

nico?

i have

some questions.

 

{2:32 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{2:33 p.m} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

simon wtf

fuck off aggie i dont want 2 talk 2 u

how did ur boyfriend get my number

excuse me?

ur boyfriend

u know

(204)-978-6060

baz

 

{2:34 p.m.}

nico id um

id appreciate if you could answer me

like, now

pls

im really fucking confused

and

im kinda scared

nico

 

{2:37 p.m.}

I’m here.

Let me just read that screenshot.

 

{2:39 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I am the biggest fucking idiot in the entire fucking world…………………..

 

{2:40 p.m.}

I don't understand?

thats agatha

txting me

how does she know ur number

why does she think ur baz

how does she know abt u

why does she think ur my boyfriend

nico

what

the

fuck

is

going

on

 

{2:49 p.m.}

nico im an atheist but so help me god ill eat ur sorry “left me on read” ass for breakfast

that sounded weirdly sexual

u know what i mean

 

{2:51 p.m.}

PENELOPE BUNCE IF YOU CALL YOURSELF MY WINGWOMAN THEN HELP ME PLEASE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO????!!!!!

 

{2:52 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER  (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{2:53 p.m.} SCREENSHOT CONTENTS

thats agatha

txting me

how does she know ur number

why does she think ur baz

how does she know abt u

why does she think ur my boyfriend

nico

what

the

fuck

is

going

on

 

{2:53 p.m.}

What the fuck? I'm so confused

Did you talk to Agatha?

Oh my God

Basilton

What did you do?

I ruined everything.

I got her number off the screenshot you sent.

I told her to stay the fuck away from my “boyfriend”.

I told her my real name.

She went back to Simon and now he's out for blood, basically.

I don't know what to do.

Where are you?

Outside the dorms. Under the big maple.

I'll sleep at Fiona’s tonight. I can't face him.

Shit

You need to text him back ASAP

And tell him what???

Uh

THE TRUTH?

You've been lying to him

Let's be real

You've been fucking lying to his face

Uh

His virtual face

 

{3:00 p.m.}

So, I’m in regular contact with your friend Penny.

She sent me the screenshot you sent her, of Agatha making contact with you.

UR PENNYS FRIEND??????

penny has like, 2 friends

I'm not sure if I'd say “friend”.

WAIT SO SHE KNOWS WHO U R

AND THAT U HV BEEN TALKIN TO ME

AND SHE HASNT TOLD ME??????????????????

BOI

WE ARE GONNA TALK

after ofc we are finished talking here

I read Agatha’s number off of the screenshot.

 

{3:05 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Simon.

You don't--

You don't even know, how mad I was.

About what she did to you.

About how she dared to talk to you, afterwards.

About how she could be so flippant.

 

{3:08 p.m.}

I texted her.

I told her to stay the fuck out of your life.

To show her you had real backup, I said I was your boyfriend.

 

{3:09 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Let's be real. I just wanted that. Even though it's a lie. I wanted (and want) to be your boyfriend. Written out absolute like that. /Real/.

 

{3:10 p.m.}

I didn't realize you weren't out to her.

It was not the smartest move.

I was not the kindest.

Nor the most eloquent.

Um.

Yeah.

I think that's it.

 

{3:15 p.m.}

im crying

ur my knight in shining armor

u defended my honor

u stood up for me

rashly

stupidly

just like me

You're already shrugging this off and making some idiotic badly-punctuated joke out of it.

Aren’t you mad?

At her? At me? Aren't you utterly torn up?

I know that, obviously, your sexuality is not because of her. I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying, whatever came out of it, that's a scarring experience.

...And Penny said you were.

Earlier.

do u want me to b mad

u sound like u do

I don't know.

 

{3:23 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I don't know anything anymore.

 

{3:24 p.m.}

Maybe I'm worried you're going to forgive her.

Or take her back.

 

{3:27 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Maybe I'm worried of losing you.

 

{11:11 p.m.}

make a wish

 

{11:13 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

That's all I get?

I need to stop fucking falling in love.

 

{11:15 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

nico idk what

idk what to say

i AM mad

n torn up

i just thought u wanted goofy bumbling simon out of me all the time no matter what

i didnt know

i didnt know u cared abt all of me

i didnt know u cared at all

i didnt know u wld take me seriously

or listen to my madness n sadness when i had it

or stand up for me to my ex

or virchually kiss me

or

or

idk

idk what 2 say

except tht

 

{11:28 p.m.}

i wished for u

…..

shit i sound like the villain in a period drama

all i need is a cigarette n a mustache

n a brooding expression

n a sword to twirl

rip id proly decapitate myself

u could weep over my body

((wtf simon how did u get on this tangent))

 

{12:35 a.m.}

WAIT

WAIT

WAIT

HANG ON A SEX

*sec godsamirdnjdhs

whyd she think u were baz?

u never answered that

 

{1:00 a.m.}

nico?

...nico?

Chapter Text

{1:12 a.m.}

Bunce, are you still up? I require assistance.

Goddamit, Basilton, haven’t you got this figured out by now?

(I might add that as a result of this shitshow you’ve engineered, Simon has not left the room for approximately thirty-six hours, and has missed an accordingly horrible number of classes)

(And he still won’t let me in)

Look, he wants to know about the Baz thing.

“The Baz thing”

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO

YOU’RE BAZ

IT’S NOT THAT COMPLICATED

 

{1:20 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

I’m Baz.

 

{1:22 a.m.}

i saw u typing u wanker

i hope theres a nice long juicy explanation coming my way

5 more minutes n im texting agatah

*gatha

*agata

*afa

*ahaha

*atata

*agrtha

*FUCK MY FINGERS AGATHA

whoa whoa whoa

not

fuck my fingers

i mean

not

LITERALLY

fuck my fingers

i just meant

like

fuck my fingers

like, screw them

no

thats not what i meant

like, typing

u know

theyr bad at typung

OKAY WHATEVER U HAVE 5 MINUTES TO TEXT ME STARTING NOW AND THEN WE R TXTING AGATHA

and ima get all sad and u gona be sad bc u actualy care wen im sad and aw

i just teared up

its 1:31 n u have 5 mins

 

{1:31 a.m.}

I can’t tell him.

You’re a big fat goddamn coward

I know.

It’s my most attractive personality trait.

 

{1:32 a.m.}

4 mins

pullin up aggies contact

her last txt still says

“baz”

 

{1:33 a.m.}

What about this?

I tell him that I told her I was Baz.

It was just the first male name that came to mind.

Simon is not that dumb

great thanks for your approval doing that now.

 

{1:34 a.m.}

I told her I was Baz.

u had 15 seconds left nice job

why tf wld u do that??

It was the first male name that came to mind.

oh

i guess i must complain abt him alot

does tht mean ur real names nico n u wanted to protect ur real identity

Yes.

My real name is Nico.

 

{1:39 a.m.}

He is indeed that dumb.

It’s so hard to have faith in him when, like, I have absolutely no faith in him

 

{1:41 a.m.}

I HAVE THE YRBOOK

THERE ARE TWO NICOS

ONE IS NICO PALMER

CAPTAIN OF THE CHESS CLUB

HE LOOKS LIKE BLOND CHRIS PINE

i dont normaly go for blondes but hon id make sacrifcs for uy

chris pine is hAWT

THE OTHER IS NICO FROUZHEN

he um

hes very german

 

{1:49 a.m.}

TALK TO ME BABE

 

{1:50 a.m.}

I have just started to realize the magnitude of what I pulled off.

It’s not over yet

Why not?

Agatha’s not been accounted for

Wild cards suck

 

{2:30 a.m.}

simon r u ever going to think abt texting me back

i dont want anything

i promise

IM DYING

SINCE WHEN HAVE U “NOT WANTED ANYTHING”

all uv ever wanted out of me is want

wait

simon i just want to know abt ur boyfriend

im not, like, homophobic

r u gay?

NO AGATHA IM PANSEXUAL

ACTUALLY IM

on-the-lighter-side-of-browngray-ace demi-homoromantic pansexual-romantic

and im fucking proud of it

so you can go sexually corrupt other boys and leave me tf alone

 

{2:44 a.m.}

i just looked all those up

how are u asexual

u

u know

did it

in high school

and not just with me (im not an idiot ik u werent a virgin b4 me)

 

goddammitttt agatyaahaha

being asexual DOESNT MEAN IM LIKE ALLERGIC TO SEX

I TRIED IT BC EVERYONE ELSE WAS

AND I KNEW THE MINUTE I DID IT THAT I WASNT INTO IT

id known before

was it me? did i make u asexual?

HELL FUCKING NO

I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ASEXUAL AS A SEPARATE THING FROM UR SEXUAL HARASSMENT OF ME

im just not into sex and THATS MY RIGHT

U HAVE NO RIGHT TO SEXUALLY HARASS ME

U DIDNT HAVE A RIGHT THEN

BUT I HAVE RIGHTS

my sexuality n privacy n self n

GAGAGGGGGHHGGFTDTRFGHJ

I HAVE SO MANY RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if u respect those rights, ull get out of my life

now, goodbye

wait!!!!

b4 i go

bc i understand

i want 2 say

im happy 4 u, si

i rlly am

and im sorry

well

okay

i appreciate tht

as little as it means coming from u

he seems

v protective

ur boyfriend

yes hes lovely

my favorite

my love

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

nice name 2

o yah

i suppose

yah

love the hyphen

...what hifen??

nice spelling lolz

the HYPHEN

in his last name

grimm-pitch

oh right. my bad.

 

{3:10 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

nico?

i hate to distrust u

but i dont think nico IS ur real name

 

{3:11 a.m.}

hey nico bud friend brother lover

did i ever tell u bazs last name?

Chapter Text

{7:36 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS BEEN UNBLOCKED

 

{7:37 a.m.}

All right, Agatha.

I’m going to need your help.

 

{9:02 a.m.}

u honestly expecting me 2 help u in ANY way after how u treated me

Yes. I am.

Do you know why?

Because of how you treated Simon.

i regret it

a lot

...

I SURE FUCKING HOPE SO.

...fine

what do u need

 

{9:41 a.m.}

hey pen

u and i need to talkkkkkkkkk

Are you in your room?

yah i dont have any classes today dont worry

look

do u know any nicos?

who go here?

Nico Frouzhen and Nico Palmer, right?

any others?

No, I don’t think so

Why?

nico frouzhen doesnt have a phone

i txted trix today abt it

he doesnt

and nico palmer is constantly stoned n ends every other message with “lolz my dood”

What tf does this have to do with anything?

the guy whos been texting me

“nico”

IK U KNOW THIS ALREADY BC U ARE A BAD FRIEND AND ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME BUT IM A LITTLE SLOW ALRIGHT:

*All right

WHATEVER:

his name isnt actually nico

even tho he said it was

so i need to know

WHO IS HE?????

 

{10:03 a.m.}

Basilton Grimm-Pitch

I’m going to eat your guts with a Spork

Give me a second and then you can eat whatever you want.

 

{10:05 a.m.}

Do you know who Penelope Bunce is?

nah

I need you to pretend you do.

I need you to change my contact name to “Penny”.

Then we’re going to have a conversation that goes like this:

You: so ur simons new gfriend, ur all over his instagram!! got ur number off trix walton; she used to go 2 my hi school. has si cheated on u yet?

Me: I’m not his girlfriend. Are you the Agatha that ruined Simon’s life?

You: scuze me??

Me: Just so you know, he’s got /real/ friends now. Me, and Trixie Walton. He’s even got a nemesis that’s not going to force him into uncomfortable sexual situations. Baz Grimm-Pitch.

Once we’ve had this conversation, I need you to screenshot it.

And send it to me.

And don’t tell Simon anything, anymore.

u r fucking weird

wtf is going on w simon

Agatha.

Do this.

For Simon.

 

{10:17 a.m.}

so ur simons new gfriend, ur all over his instagram!! got ur number off trix walton; she used to go 2 my hi school. has si cheated on u yet?

I’m not his girlfriend. Are you the Agatha that ruined Simon’s life?

scuze me??

Just so you know, he’s got /real/ friends now. Me, and Trixie Walton. He’s even got a nemesis that’s not going to force him into uncomfortable sexual situations. Baz Grimm-Pitch.

 

{10:20 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (217)-608-2455 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{10:21 a.m.}

No, you never told me Baz’s last name.

then how tf…???????????

When I told Agatha my name was Baz, she sent me this screenshot.

 

{10:23 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{10:24 a.m.}

I guess she had already been in contact with Penny.

Looks like Penny stood up for you, too.

 

{10:26 a.m.}

crisis fucking AVERTED

NO FUCKING WAY HOW DID YOU DO IT

he still doesn’t know who you are????

Not as of now....

If I ever start a business, I want you as PR

 

{10:29 a.m.}

wow

wow

i thought--

no

nvm

thats a stupid n insane idea, ur much too nice

wow tho

dude

if baz knew abt this

omg

aha

hed die

posin as my boyfriend

standing UP FOR ME

poor guyd have a heart attack

 

{10:36 a.m.}

He’s no one you’d know, Simon

:( :( :( :( :( :(

somehow i dont trust u anymore tho

 

{10:37 a.m.}

penny says ur no one id know

she ws prompted to say this cuz i already figured out all by myself w my hecking epic detective work that u arent either of the nicos

which means nico is a fake name

which means

im right back where i started

 

{11:00 a.m.}

wtf baz has been gone for like 34564595685706 hours

so sad

Why is that sad? You hate the man.

*boi

hes a man in smokin hot appearance only

he has the maturity of a 5 yr old

i cant tease him

i wonder if hes havin marathon sex w his girl

gentlemen of the jury, bear w me

are u aware that were makin

LOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE

omfg that was so good JUST GIVE ME A TONI ALREADY

or is it an osker

or a grammee

idk fam

i blocked agatha

r u proud of me

Not at all.

<3 its like nothing changed

 

{11:38 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

except lets b real

everythings changed

and im not even sure why

Chapter Text

{9:46 p.m.}

pen u know that feeling when uv been txting a stranger for like four weeks n then all of a sudden ur exgirlfriend txts u and u have a minor breakdwhn and then another one tryn to figure out WHO TF ur stranger friend/lover is n then they have a very nice explination which covers al thu bases (haha bases) and u shld be sstaified *satisfied but things just dont feel the same anymore?

 

{10:01 p.m.}

Simon, go to bed

 

{10:11 p.m.}

I NEED NEW FRIENDS

EVERYONE IS CONSPIRING

EVERYONE KNOWS WHO NICO RLLY IS

EXCEPT ME

?Everyone?

Last time I checked, I was the only one who knew who Nico really is

NICO

NICO KNOWS WHO NICO RLLY IS

I LOVE HIM PEN AND HES LIKE A LOCK WITHOUT A KEY

fuck how poetic of me

Simon

You need to let. this. go.

Most likely, he’s some bored asshole, texting you for kicks and sharing all your stupid puns with his equally asshole-ish group of drunken friends

 

{10:23 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

i have never been punched in the stomahc but i iagine this is whta it fels like

 

{10:25 p.m.}

Do you think it’s safe to come back tomorrow? To the room?

I don’t know, Baz, I’m not texting him rn

You said you were, earlier?

I stopped, okay??

Look

I may have fucked up. A bit

I presented him with the usual reality this situation would entail

I don’t think he took it very well

Fuck.

My thoughts exactly

 

{10:29 p.m.}

Twenty questions: what are you listening to?

rage aganst the machine

the song is called bombtrack but i renamed it buncetrack

thats pennys last name

nico

(or whoever tf you ACTUALLY ARE)

r u a bored asshole texting me for kicks and sharing all my stupid puns with ur equally assholeish group of drunken friends?

 

{10:35 p.m.}

Penelope. Bunce.

...I’M SORRY

THIS IS WHY I NEED YOU FOR PR

 

{10:38 p.m.}

That’s not the description normally bestowed upon me, no.

but it could b

for all i know

what do i know?

NOTHING

penny wont tell

u wont tell

no one will tell

WHAT IF I WANNA MEET YOU?

and

and

and

what if i want to hold ur hand?

 

{10:55 p.m.}

im sorry

 

{10:59 p.m.}

It’s okay.

I would--

Simon, I would tell you.

If I could.

y cant u

I can’t tell you that, either.

ull be the death of me

So I’ve been told.

 

{11:11 p.m.}

im just frustrated nico

“nico”

i feel like i cant trust anyone anymore

n i thought i could trust u

but then penny reminded me that tetxing wrong numbers for extended periods of time and telling the ppl LOTS of stuff abt you is nOT GOOD and sTRANGER DANGER and dONT TRUST THE INTERNET

i might jst unblock agatha

Don’t.

lol id never i just said that to get u to respond

You infuriatingly infuriating individual.

i get that a lot

actyally wait thats the first time thats ever been said to me :))))))

Simon.

yes?

I trust you

And I’d never read your stupid puns to my drunken asshole friends

because then I’d have to admit I find you ridiculously cute.

 

{12:00 a.m.}

...Simon?

nico i need to know who u are

im going to go insane

 

{12:04 a.m.}

I can’t go back to the room, Bunce.

Ever.

How can I pretend like I hate him now?

How did I ever do it in the first place?

More importantly; why the hell do you feel like you have to?

 

{12:09 a.m.}

also

am i cuter than ur cute roommate

 

{12:11 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Oh, Snow.

 

{12:12 a.m.}

Absolutely not.

:) ok :) ok :) ok :) thats acceptable, :) baby steps :)

god

so glad baz isnt here

:) u :) called :) me :) cute :)

 

{12:16 a.m.}

Hey, I’m sorry about earlier

That’s not true

Just so you know

That’s not who he is

its ok

allright good

He’s a gentleman. For sure

thx pen

No problem

<3 Hey, go to class tomorrow, k?

pshhh class

BAZ isnt going to class

and baz is a

‘BRILLIANT PRODIGY W A PERFECT ATTENDANCE RECORD’

...He is going to class. He was in Poli Sci yesterday

the BASTARD

lolololol baz turd

ABAAAHHAHAH

ok anyway

i assumed he was sick and fled to rekooperate w mommy

Simon

*Recuperate

Could you be a little more insensitive?

His mother’s dead

oh

im sorry

okay

that was rude of me

but how do YOU know?

We sit next to each other in Business Tech

We’re friends

thats a course wtf

and FRIENDS??????

u dont have friends

BAZ DOESNT HAVE FRIENDS

I have plenty of friends!

Try being mature about this for once.

Just because YOU think he’s God’s worst gift to mankind--

im an atheist

ITS AN EXPRESSION

its not even the right expression but

ok yah

but still

pen u cant be friends w my nemesis

thats against the ruuuullleeeeesssss

 

{1:19 a.m.}

it feels wrong to call u nico now

where did u get that name from anyway

My uncle, Nicodemus.

He passed away.

:( awwwww

It’s okay. It was a long time ago.

What are you going to call me, then?

bABE

No.

Expressly forbidden.

excuse me

/i/ wood be honored t b called babe

im ashameddddd of u

and u call urself my boifriend :(

JK ILY MY ANONYMOUS BOIFRIEND BABE

<3 <3 <3

ur a babe

like it or not

MY babe

i belong to u

u belong to meeeeee

da da da

oHHohhhHH

o wait shit its “with” isnt it

idek

HO

HEY

hO

aw dont cry ur not a hoe <3

 

{2:00 a.m.}

How has no one killed him yet?

I don't know

I think we need a Simon Protection Fund

With those little Salvation Army bells

And a big sign

"Save Simon From Corruption"

You can be president

And for every person that donates, you give Simon a

big

fat

...

kiss ;)

...

Bunce, you're a menace to society.

I'm trying to sleep.

Sweet dreeeeeeeeams ;) ;)

Chapter Text

{10:02 a.m.}

GO TO CLASS

im goingggggggggggggggggggg

 

{11:56 a.m.} GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY: CONTENTS

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED: how to figure out who the hot gay guy you’re texting is

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED: who is my anonymous boyfriend

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED: i texted a wrong number and now im in love

 

{1:08 p.m.}

Simon!!! Trix told me you got your phone taken off you during a lecture!!!!

That’s not what I meant when I said go to class!!!!!!

sorry i was enlisting google

For what???

figuring out who “nico” is

How the fuck--

turns out “hot gay guy” is a very magical combination of keywords

 

{7:59 p.m.}

HHHSGHDGGREHGHGFHGDHGHGREHGTEHGIREUKUJHHFJKHDGHDDGFHGF

Yes?

HEAS BACJK

I’m translating that as “he’s back.”

HE IS

Baz?

yES

AND

HES

NICO

HES WEEFHB SUIWRAIW

Is he now?

HES RWEARING A RAINBIW PIN

A RQIANBOW PIN*

A RAINBOW PIN*******

HES WEARING A RAINBOW PIN

i just asksed him abt it n he said “im gay snow whats ur problem”

………

……………

………………….

IM COMING OUT TO HIM ONE SEC IM RECORDING ALL OF THIS

 

{8:20 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT AN AUDIO FILE

 

{8:22 p.m.}

mmm im such a stalker

 

{8:23 p.m.} AUDIO FILE CONTENTS

“...Baz?”

SOUND OF LAPTOP CLOSING SHARPLY

“What?”

“I, um--on your shirt? Did you, um, are you aware--”

“Am I aware that I’m wearing a rainbow pin on my lapel, a symbol usually designated for those in support of the LGBTQ community? Somehow that was brought to my attention.”

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

“Are--”

“I’m gay, Snow. What’s your problem?”

SOUND OF FURIOUS THUMB-TYPING

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

SOUND OF INDRAWN BREATH

“I thought you were homophobic.”

“How dense are you?”

“Well, I mean, you’ve never exactly-- advertised it--”

“My God, Snow, can you stop with this psychoanalyzing?”

“I just--”

“I’m pan.”

“You know. Pansexual.

SOUND OF SNORT

“I’m aware.”

“You’re aware I’m pan?!”

“I’m aware that ‘pan’ is short for ‘pansexual’.”

“Oh. Okay.”

SOUND OF LAPTOP BEING REOPENED

“Is that all?”

“...Do you have a boyfriend?”

SOUND OF FIST CONNECTING WITH FACE

 

{9:11 p.m.}

Did he punch you?

he did

lightly

a love tap

im delirious with excitement nico imma kjeel over and dieeeeeeee

hes gayyyyyyyyy

GAY GAY GAY

LETS HAVE A COMING OUT PARTY

GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

we can bond

we can share boyfriend stories

we can reminiiise over heartaches and heartbreaks

we can wear gayass clothing together

he can borrow my babe shirt

i can borrow his rainbow pin

i can teach him abt painting nails

we cn have sleepovers and giggle

I’d like to remind you that he punched you.

Justifiably.

You sounded as if you were hitting on him.

r u jealous

GOOD GOD, SIMON.

THAT’S NOT THE POINT.

 

{4:02 a.m.}

LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE

GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

DONT BE AFRAID TO COME OUT

THE REAL WRLD IS BETTER THAN THE CLOSET

EMBRACE YOURSELF

JHAVE COURAGE

GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

WHAT THE FUCK SIMON ITS FOUR A.M.

OOPS MY BAD IM HAVING A BAZ-CAME-OUT PARTY

...Baz came out?

Also, how does he feel about your party?

YAH HE CAME OUT

TO MY FACE

WITH A RAINBOW PIN

his fist also came out

to my face

but thats unimportant it was heat of the moment

HE LOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEESSSSS MY PARTY

IM PLAYING LINKIN PARKKKKKK

NUMBBBBBBBBBBB

 

{4:18 a.m.}

You all good over there?

He’s grinding on his bed.

The dorm super’s going to come in soon.

What do I say?

Shout “GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” and do a line kick with Si

Goodnight, Bunce.

 

{4:26 a.m.}

A MESSAGE HAS BEEN ISSUED TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE “EASTSIDE DORMS” MESSAGING LIST

 

{4:27 a.m.} MESSAGE CONTENTS

Hi, everyone!! This is Keris, supervisor of Eastside Dorms, and boy, am I excited to issue the following bulletin!!! It is 4:30 a.m., and someone is playing Linkin Park at top volume!!!! I love Linkin Park BUT IT IS FUCKING 4:30 A.M.!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I find you, you’re going to die a brutal and gut-wrenching death!!!!!

 

{4:30 a.m.}

nico im so excited help me

Why are you still awake

why are uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Some idiot is playing their music top volume at four fucking thirty in the morning.

And I can only assume it’s you.

EVERY TIME IM REMINDED THAT U IVE IN MY DORMS I START CRYING

<3 LOVE IS LOVE AND I LOVE YOU

Chapter Text

{7:08 a.m.}

RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPYHEAD!!!!!

IT’S TIME FOR LITTLE BOYS TO AWAKEN AND SALUTE THE SUN!!!!!!!

ISN’T IT SO BEAUTIFUL AND BRIGHT OUTSIDE???

TIME TO BE AWAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck the fuck out of my fucking life

fuck you

I GOT fucking 1 FUCKING HR OF FUCKING SLEEP

fuck u do u fucking care abt fucking pride i was fucking having a fucking COMING OUT PARTY FOR MY FUCKING ROOMMATE

FUCK

Would that be your fucking /roommate/ or your /fucking/ roommate?

FUCK THE FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFF

 

{11:23 a.m.}

i had a brilaitn idea

A--excuse me?

A BRILLIANT IDEA HRBEEWEFJN

the message list tht keris has

ur on it

cuz, dorms

so ill just send her ur number and b like whos this

;)

 

{11:27 a.m.}

Simon.

You don’t want to do this.

yah iu do i ITOLD YUOU i wantta know who u r

ur in my blood

I just choked.

n smiled

….No, Simon.

 

{11:33 a.m.}

Just...think about it. Before you do that.

Really.

y are u like a mass murdeer or smthing

omg what if ur nev

or diall

Dev.

And Niall.

yAH THOSE LIKE WEIRDASS STONERS IN THE DORM BASEMENT WHO R OBSESSED WITH LEGO AND UNDERTALE

god if ur a weirdoass stoner…..

CUTE

not tht i endorse drug use but like

WHOEVER U SARE YOUR CUTE

*You’re.

You seem so utterly confident about that. How naive of you. As always.

ur such a friendly sweet pretentious asshole

Thanks.

np i do wht i can

 

{11:45 a.m.}

Bunce, it might be all over.

Oh shit

He’s contacting our dorm supervisor right now.

Do you know what this is?

It’s the world’s smallest violin

You sound more like Simon ever fucking day.

 

{12:03 p.m.}

hey keris i ws wondering who the contct (204)-978-6060 on the mssage lsit is?

Sorry Simon I’m not sure. In January I did a whole collection of new numbers for the list and a bunch of people were gone so I nicked numbers off another list. They got all mixed up when I was transferring and so I can’t remember whose number that actually is.

I’d have to scroll back forEVER to get to the list I grabbed it off of.

UR FJRBFIYGRH KIDDING ME

 

{12:06 p.m.}

did u like bribe her?????????

What did she say?

 

{12:07 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT A SCREENSHOT

 

{12:08 p.m.}

No bribes. She just literally doesn’t know.

IM CRYYYYYINGGGG

THE UNIVERSE IS SET AGAINST ME KNOWING WHO U ARRRRREE

 

{12:20 p.m.}

baz is back :) :) :) :) he :) just went to get coffee :) but didn’t :) bring me any :) thats okay :) he may still be harboring a grudge for my :) linkin park 4 am extravaganza :) :) which was dope :) :) :) :)

This is the man who left shaving cream out and allowed you to wedge it between your buttocks.

AHA THAT SENTENCE WTF

n its okay love ik ur just jealous <3 <3

im just seeing him in such a different light

since hes gaeyt

gay*

which u wr right abt btw but we not gonna talk abt that………..

ik i prolly shouldnt be dismissing the sins of his past al because of a little HOMOSEXUAL ATTRACTION

buyt like #noregrets WERE BROS NOW AND IMMA TEACH HIM:

THE WAY OF THE GAY

 

{12:43 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SENT AN AUDIO FILE

 

{12:44 p.m.} AUDIO FILE CONTENTS

“Did you bring me coffee?”

“Fuck off.”

“We’re friends now. You can’t tell me to fuck off.”

“Friends? Pray tell, Snow, when did this exciting development come about?”

“It didn’t come about…”

“...it came OUT.”

SOUND OF LAUGHTER

SOUND OF HASTY THROAT-CLEARING

“Seriously. Us homosexuals have got to stick together.”

“...You’re not even homosexual.”

“And I find it incredibly disturbing that all I had to do was come out to you and now you’re acting like we’re the best of friends.”

“I’ll even let you wear my babe shirt.”

“I’d quite like to vomit right now, thinking about that.”

“Let me teach you the Way of the Gay, Baz.”

“Let me teach you the Way of a Right Hook, Snow.”

SOUND OF FIST CONNECTING WITH WALL

“OW! WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOU!”

“Baz, I’ve realized that this is an Unhealthy Relationship. I need to start ducking your verbal and physical abuse. I need to reach out to you and own up to my mistakes.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been cruel and cold to you.”

“But you should be sorry, too.”

“For what?”

“Verbally and physically abusing me. Getting shaving cream in my asscrack. I could go on.”

SOUND OF WHAT POSSIBLY COULD BE A VERBAL ATTEMPT AT BACKGROUND MUSIC FROM “YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT”

“Here’s an itemized list of thirty years of disagreements.”

“Snow.”

“Baz.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because us homo- and pansexuals have got to stick together.”

“No. Why are you doing this?”

SOUND OF LONG EXHALE

“Because I’m tired of fighting like preschoolers. And I’m not even sure why we started.”

 

{3:21 p.m.}

Dear God.

Did he agree?

we made a truce

it dsnt involve babe shirts or coffee or way of the gay but it involves no more shaving cream n no more constant punching

his hands ok by the way but like IS IT WRONG THAT I STILL FEEL A THRILL OF SAVAGE GLEE

I thought you weren't fighting anymore.

ok yah its wrong

BUT BUT BUT LIKE IM SO CONFUSED HOW DID THAT WORK

im honestly like not even suyr what juyst hppned to me

i need to turn on some appropriately horrible music to find closure

we didnt makew a truce on that

 

{3:29 p.m.}

penny

i had one of those thoughts which hits u at 47487585675674863 miles per hr and ur just left reeling and dead

It’s like you expect me to relate

But let’s hear it

ik this sounds crazy

but like

i started thinking n like

shit idk if i can say this

like

penny

i

um

so many coincidences n people n

like

Omfg, Simon, just spit it out!!!

um

um

what if

um

i was thinking

IK THIS IS CRAZY

LIKE I LAUGHED AT MYSELF SO HARD

IKIKIK ITS NUTS

but i um

what if

penny

what if nico is baz?

Chapter Text

{3:48 p.m.}

Simon…

ik ik ik

i just

i started thinking abt it

like first s a joke

“hahahaha what if hes baz”

then like

“o shit”

“what if hes baz”

cuz like

idk pen

ive been an ass

to him

abt baz

who /is/ an ass

but like, i exaggerated my hatred n assitude

n like if he is baz

hes gonna HATE ME

SO MUCH

the things ive said

fuck

fuck

ik hes not

but like

talk about nightmares

penny just tell me hes not baz

so i dont have any more nightmares

...

;) so i have wet dreams instead ;)

….

FUCK SIMON I’M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING AFTER THAT

sry sry couldnt resist

 

{7:42 p.m.}

nico?

can

u

um

are u

are u here?

I’m here.

i um

ik ive said this but

i rlly

i cant

i

i need to know

who u are

Simon…

nico

just

tell me wth a straight face that ur not baz

 

{7:52 p.m.}

i just dont want him to hate me bunce i want it to be like this always and i dont know how to make it not weird if he knows and thats the only thing holding me back and hes hated on me so much and i just how will he even stand to look at me god im so glad im not in the room rn, i dont want to see his face, id probably fucking CRY

 

{7:58 p.m.}

I can’t tell you that.

 

{8:00 p.m.}

TEXT. ME. BACK.

SORRY SORRY SORRY I WAS DOING POLI SCI HOMEWORK

did you do it

did you tell him

As good as.

He’d have to be SO stupid, not to get it.

Penny, I’m scared.

I know, Baz

I know.

 

{8:07 p.m.}

im sorry

Why are /you/ sorry?

I flat-out lied to you.

im sorry bc ive been an ass abt baz

um

abt YOU

It’s not like I haven’t been one about you.

i just

ive said crap

that i dont mean

abt him

you

dammit

i um

i dont hate you

really

No more frantic declarations of love for you, Snow?

All I get is an “I don’t hate you”?

oh its snow now

oh

ok

Look, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t have the answers.

This--

This happened, you know.

Really fast.

And I don’t know what kind of code or rulebook or--

I guess this doesn’t /have/ a code or rulebook.

I’m just making it up as I go along.

damn ur still cute :)

...and you’re still helplessly annoying.

and ur stil--WAITITIWAIT

OH MY GOD

NCO

*BAZ BAZ BAZ BAZ BAZ goddamit sorry thisll take me a while to get

u said ur roommate was cute

u said u had a supercute roommate

omg

i didnt even

i didnt even think

i

omg

smiling

omg

wtf

wtf

ah

AH

SMILES

IM DYING I /AM/ AS CUTE AS UR ROOMMATE

I AM /UR ROOMMATE/

oh shitdamn i challenged myself 2 a fight didnt i n called myself despicabvle

nice simon

*high fives self*

abt on par w your usual standards

I like your usual standards.

Just a little bit****

:)

:)

god i dont even

i

i feel so

shy

n not simonlike

i said so much

i like poured out my soul to u

So did I.

Being anonymous made me reckless, I suppose.

little did u know id use my dope detective skills to solve the mystery

i leave no stone unturned

no baz unnamed

 

{10:53 p.m.}

hey

btw

i like our truce

i like

um

yeah

idk

i just

im happy

thats all

Oh.

I--

oh

:)

Me too.

Chapter Text

{11:00 p.m.}

so where ru

At my aunt’s.

hiding????

No.

Not really.

ru scared to come back to the room bazzy boo

...Snow…

Don’t…

dont bc throwing up or bc smiling

THROWING UP.

I’m not scared.

I’m just.

Scared.

*nods understandingly*

a fine distcinction

Shut up and spell right.

i refuse

come back

i want

i want to see u?

Question mark?

question mark

if u wanna see me

I never want to see your ugly face, Snow.

:) <3

No.

I really want to see your face, Snow.

Right the fuck now.

But I can’t.

call?

wld that be easier?

Like.

A phone call?

thats normaly what 2 people do when sepereted by dstance and tired of txting

Or they just...stop texting.

 

{11:54 p.m.}

Snow?

OH DID U WANNA KEEP TEXTING

I THOUGHT U WR MAD

im sorry idk how to

i

sorry

Don’t be.

I was joking.

I.

I want to keep texting.

Actually, I want to call.

um oh wow um okay okay should i do it or u or like

I’ll do it. Hang on.

 

{12:01 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204-978-6060) HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{12:02 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{12:03 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

“Um. Hello?”

“Hello.”

“Oh my God. Um. It’s Simon.”

“I’m aware.”

“Oh, wow, oh, God, that was so stupid, I, um--”

“Hey. Snow.”

“...Yeah?”

“You’re okay.”

“Oh.”

“Really.”

“You--wow. You sound different over the phone.”

“Most people do. What’s the nature of my different-ness?”

“Less aggressive.”

“Do I always sound aggressive?”

“Sometimes bored.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Baz doesn’t apologize!”

“You’ve built up quite the image of me, Snow. Bored, aggressive, and refusing to apologize. I sound like a real charmer.”

“You...you charmed me.”

“...”

“Anonymously.”

“I don’t know. Reading back over those texts, there was an awful lot about ‘Baz and his girlfriend’ and ‘Baz’s fantastic attractiveness.’”

“You were being subconsciously charmed. Like a vampire.”

“Is that what vampires do? Subconsciously charm?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t give a fuck, either. Let’s not talk about vampires. Let’s talk about what it’s going to take for me to come back to that room and look you in the eye.”

“I think you just swooned me.”

“You can’t actually use ‘swooned’ like that.”

“Shut up.”

“Hey. Truce.”

“Truce only protects against you telling me to shut up.”

“Shut up. Really, though, what is it going to take?”

“Are you trying, like, to get me to bribe you?”

“...”

“...I have kisses.”

 

{12:30 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

{12:31 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{12:32 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{12:33 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

“Sorry.”

“No--I--just--”

“What if you see me and you remember how you really feel about me?”

“How do I ‘really feel about you?’”

“Snow, you hated me for--”

“I thought you hated me.”

“I was essentially in love with you the whole fucking time, you idiot.”

“Oh.”

“...”

“Oh.”

“What? Oh, God, are you smiling?”

“NO.”

“You owe me five dollars.”

“Why did you act like you hated me?”

“It was the easiest thing to do.”

“What the fuck? What planet are you from?”

“You sound like Bunce.”

“...I forgot about Penny.”

“I can’t believe she knew and didn’t tell me.”

“Don’t blame her. I’m an intimidating man.”

“Say that again with a straight face.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m gay.”

“GOD, BAZ.”

“STRAIGHT JOKES ARE OFF-LIMITS.”

SOUND OF LAUGHTER

“Are you laughing at your own joke? Are you one of those people?”

“Simon, this is you talking.”

“...”

“What? Your breathing sounds...gleeful.”

“You called me Simon.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“The only reason I’m stopping is that I have the utmost faith that you’d go all night.”

“I’m smiling right now.”

“I can hear it. Five dollars.”

“Oh, come on. You never bet me that.”

“I’ll bet you now.”

“Stop. I’m smiling.”

“...”

“I want to see it.”

“Come home, Baz.”

“Will you be up? By the time I get back?”

“Yeah. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

 

{1:13 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

{1:14 a.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

cant wait :)

 

{1:15 a.m.}

see u soon

Chapter Text

He ends up calling Bunce on his way back to the dorms, praying she’s still up. He’s got Ella Fitzgerald in one earbud and a brisk efficiency to carry him past the city drunks, but it’s not enough to drown the sound of his own heartbeat, double-time.

“Are you awake?”

“I answered, didn’t I?”

She sounds unbearably sleepy, and it makes him want to sit down right where he is--halfway between the Jiffy Mart and the McDonalds--and close his eyes. At least then he wouldn’t have to face Simon. He still doesn’t trust that things will work out between them. It all seems like a fantastically out-of-proportion dream.

“I’m going,” he says, after a minute, when Bunce offers no assistance. “Back to the room.”

“And he knows?” She sounds more alert. “And you’ve been talking?”

“Yes.”

He reaches the gate to the dorm yard; shows his key to the scanner; hurries in that sort of dream-state across the path to the back door of the dorms. He’s memorized: nineteen doors to walk by until theirs.

“Are you almost there?”

“Almost.”

“Are you nervous?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not a liar,” he says, and his useless voice breaks on liar. He was stupid to call Bunce. Stupid to do this at all. He should have stayed at Fiona’s because Simon’s going to close the door in his face, reject him, remember who he is--

“Basilton.”

He stops walking, leans against the tiled wall by the showers. Attempts to breathe.

“Hang up on me and get your boy,” Bunce says, exasperated.

He hangs up. Before he knows it he’s walking, doors scrolling, legs numb, Ella resumed a notch two loud in his left earbud: seventeen, eighteen, nineteen. Then he’s in front of theirs. He holds the insides of his pockets and stares at the scar above the doorknob, where Simon threw his key at Baz and missed.

It looks as if we two will never be one

Something must be done

He actually says, “Shut up,” out loud, scrambling for the pause button on his phone. It’s a terrible song for the occasion, and he’s deeply disappointed in Ella. He’s lingering on the title-- Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off --when his eyes are drawn to the notifications banner. One text from Simon.

im nervus to now

Baz texts back, Shut up and spell right.

An immediate ping. whr r u

Close.

Before he can lose his nerve, he loops his earbuds around his neck. Stuffs his phone back in his pocket. His hands are shaking, but he manages to get his key scratchy in the lock and then put his shoulder against the door to wedge it open. He doesn’t look up. He won’t look up. He removes his key and closes the door.

Somewhere beyond the half-circle of floor in his vision, Simon says, “You look cold.”

He’s sitting on the ledge between the desk and the window, knees curled up to his chest, and his curls are such a lovely tawny mess and the line of his jaw so soft and shadowed that Baz almost gives up right there--sinks to his knees and puts his head down and dies of exposure to the masterpiece that’s Simon Snow.

Instead, he manages a smirk. He’s sure it’s horrible. He’s sure he’s horrible, too, lost as he is in Fiona’s old leather jacket and a pair of Nicodemus’s slender jeans. He has his earbuds around his neck, like an utter tool.

“Snow,” he says. “Hello to you, too.”

Baz is glad that Simon is the one who gets down from the windowsill and moves cautiously to face him, because he’s not sure if he could move. Now they’re eye-to-eye (except Baz is looking down, just a bit, as always, an inch or two that he rubs relentlessly in Simon’s face), and Baz can pick out every mole on Simon’s profile: brow to chin.

“You called me Simon, before.”

“No, I didn’t,” Baz says, feigning nonchalance.

“When you were Nico.”

Simon is very wide-eyed. It’s making Baz sweat.

“I still am Nico,” he says. “I mean, sort of. I’m Baz.”

“I know,” Simon says.

“And I had to call Bunce because I was going to pass out on the walk.”

Simon turns a delicate shade of scarlet, so that his moles look like chocolate chips. Baz wants to lean forward and kiss them, one by one. He wants to lick the scarlet from every inch of Simon’s flustered skin.

“I’m glad,” Simon says. “That you didn’t.”

“And I stood outside the door, for a while.”

“First date jitters?”

Baz shifts to the right, ruffled, and finds the mirror over Simon’s left shoulder, on the wall. He arches an eyebrow and is moderately pleased with the result. “Not with you, Snow.”

“Simon.”

“Snow.”

“Simon.”

Baz can’t keep the eyebrow arched any longer. His smirk is softening into a smile. This maddening curly-haired disaster. This boy who won’t give him a break. “The only reason I’m stopping,” he says, and watches Simon’s face light up, “is that I have the utmost faith that you’d go all night.”

“So, Simon,” Simon says, with this grin that just. It just. It breaks Baz’s everything. It tears down all his walls. “Right?”

“You owe me five dollars.”

“You, too.”

Baz checks in the mirror. He tries to physically flatten his smile into an expression of scorn.

“That’s useless,” Simon says, and then, because he’s Simon: “Your fangs are too long.”

“Are we going to talk about me being a vampire again?”

“I suspected, the whole year. No one ever believed me.”

“Not even Bunce?”

“She was a little more concerned with the fact that every other word coming out of my mouth this year was Baz.”

There’s a moment during which Simon grins obnoxiously and Baz yanks the earbuds from around his neck and pulls them into a long corded tangle to attempt and distract himself from what’s going on throughout the circuits of his body.

“Five dollars,” Simon says, watching with amusement, “ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five--”

Baz drops the earbuds and puts his hand out, up like a stop sign, except instead of stopping the verbal track of humiliation Simon just reaches out and takes Baz’s hand, like it’s that easy. It’s very casual and nothing at all like he described to Nico. His palm’s sweaty and he holds too tight and there’s a callus under his thumb that feels like a hug.

“You owe me a shitload of money,” Simon informs Baz. “Just so you’re aware.”

Baz says, “Vampires don’t have to pay their dues. Haven’t you learned anything in Toddler Handling Class?”

“That’s not what it’s called.”

“Child Development?”

“Strategies.”

“Child Development Strategies?”

“Yes.”

“How incredibly arbitrary. Right. So all children--even vampires--go through this stage where they reject everything. Just for the sake of saying no.”

Simon says, “Why are you teaching me child development stages? What the fuck does this have to do with the amount of money you owe me?”

Baz blushes, then tries to swipe his blush away with his free hand because he’s Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch and he doesn’t blush. “Maybe I’m trying to empathize with you and your pitiful career choices.”

“Excuse me? I’m going to be a teacher. That’s honest work. Better than wh--what the hell are you majoring in, anyway?”

“Economics.”

Simon blinks, then pretends to retch all over their entangled hands.

“Do that again,” Baz says, “and I’ll let go.”

Simon’s fingers tense around his. “What do I have to do to make you never let go?”

“I’m going to have to sleep, Snow.”

And then there’s this little thrill, because oh, they’re going to have to sleep. And they’ll just...what? Each take a bed? Face the wall like nothing’s happened? Cuddle up like lovers? Don’t lie down at all?

“Here,” Simon says, suddenly bashful, and he’s that same lovely shade of red again, Blushing Simon--what was that combination of words Baz told him never to use again? A fucking beautiful speciman. He’s that. He’s all of Baz’s best and most terrible dreams. “Do you--we can--uh. If you don’t, um. Mind. You know.”

And he tugs on Baz’s hand, gently.

“This?” Baz says, looking at the bed. “I--Simon, you don’t--”

“There!”

Baz jumps a little because of the force of Simon’s exclamation, the strength of his fingers tightening spasmodically around Baz’s. “There!” Simon says, pointing right at him. “You called me Simon.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you-- God, I’ll get you, sometime.”

“If you say so,” Baz says, with exactly the right amount of amused and scornful doubt.

“Shhh. I lost my train of thought. As usual. Damn. Baz. What was I saying?”

“The, um--”

It’s like the nonverbal acknowledgement of the bed has glued both their tongues down, solidly.

Simon reasserts the tugging of Baz’s hand. “The bed,” he says, just like that, and Baz recognizes that he’s blushing, once again. This time he makes no move to try and scrub it away. “Right. Sit down. Are you okay? With this?”

“I want to make sure you are--”

“A side of Baz I’ve never seen before. I’m fine. Sit. Down.”

Baz sits. He’s still holding Simon’s hand. He can’t tell anymore if the sweat between their palms is his or Simon’s.

“Now. Shoes off. Lie down.”

“Snow--”

But he takes off his shoes anyway, laborious and one-handed, and adjusts himself so he’s horizontal. They’re not spooning exactly, maybe because Simon is conscious of Baz’s lazy erection or maybe because he has one of his own, but they’re very close, holding hands over Baz’s hip. Simon’s breath is on the back of Baz’s neck, hot and dry. He smells like bread.

“Don’t let go,” he says, very softly, into Baz’s collarbone.

“Not even if I need to urinate?”

Simon’s snort rocks them both. “Urinate?”

“Piddle,” Baz says. “Wee-wee.”

“I never asked,” Simon says. “Do you misjudge and pee on the backs of the inconvenient toilets?”

“Never.”

“Come on.”

“Perhaps...once,” Baz admits.

Simon crows.

Baz can feel his eyes already closing. He squeezes Simon’s hand, absently. “Don’t act so smug.”

“I learned it from you.”

“Vampires never reveal their secrets.”

“Rawr,” Simon says, and attempts to bite the nape of Baz’s neck.

“Filthy mongrel,” Baz murmurs, halfway past sleep. It must be almost three in the morning by now, and his fingers are going numb in Simon’s grasp. “Shut up and spell right.”

“I have you to spell for me,” Simon says.

“Mmpgh.”

“Are you asleep?”

“Mmm.”

“How can you sleep?”

With great effort, Baz opens one eye. “I’ve been up since seven. Sleep with me, Snow?”

Simon giggles.

“Was that a giggle?”

“No.”

“Dear God. You’re an idiot.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Then they don’t say anything for a long time, except for two more hand squeezes--one by Simon, one by Baz. Simon’s breathing slows on the part of Baz’s shoulder that’s exposed under the collar of his jacket, and the little neon clock on the windowsill counts to three-thirty, and then goes unseen.

Chapter Text

He wakes to sunlight in prison-bar stripes, and Simon stirring at his back. Their hands are cramped so tightly together that Baz is losing feeling in his knuckle joints.

“Snow,” he says, very softly; expecting, then, for the dream to dissolve and the hum of activity in the hallway to become the nasal squeal of his alarm.

“Mphgfh,” Simon mutters, and when he moves his head a little Baz can feel a thin trail of drool down the back of his neck. It should not be as endearing as it is.

“Can you get my phone?”

“Where--”

“Back pocket.”

When Simon’s managed to extract the device--not without a fair amount of drowsy giggling and over-cautious pincher fingers to avoid touching Baz’s ass--Baz checks the time. It’s nearly noon, and he’s missed Poli Sci. He can’t bring himself to care.

“Did you skip a class for me?” Simon murmurs into Baz’s shoulder blade.

“I did.”

“You must love me very, very much.”

Baz is not entirely sure what to say to that--there isn’t anything about the depth of how he really feels that wouldn’t freak Simon out--so instead he gently disengages his hand and attempts to stretch a little feeling back into it.

Simon whines. “You let go.”

“How observant,” Baz says, dryly, and then nudges his socked toe into Simon’s calf as an apology.

Simon squirms a little, pleasantly. His breath is hot and when Baz shifts his head he can smell it: burnt sugar and cinnamon, gone slightly stale. Some nights Simon brings back whole armfuls of scones from the dining hall.

“Are you going to get up so I can?” Simon asks Baz.

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Think about it harder.”

Baz sighs in mock outrage. “Aren’t you happy where you are?”

“I’m too warm,” Simon says, and then, because he’s Simon: “You’re too hot.”

“Thank you,” Baz says.

“No problem.”

There’s some inspired wiggling, and then a sharp jab to Baz’s spine. Simon giggles like a four-year-old, and Baz wonders, not for the first time, why the fuck he’s fallen for this crazy boy.

“Get up, Bazzy, get up.”

Baz scoffs at the name. “One night and you think we’re forever.”

“One night and I know we’re forever.” Simon giggles again. Baz wants to punch him. He wants to reach out, knuckle a fist--take him by the back of the neck, kiss the laughter from his mouth. He wants to turn around and slip his shirt off, inch by inch. “Get up.”

Baz says, “Climb the fuck over me; I’m not--”

Then his breath’s cut off because Simon’s clambering over him, as instructed, and Baz didn’t think he’d actually do it but now he’s taking his sweet goddamn time and he can feel every fucking slide of skin and brush of fabric and the side of Simon’s thigh against his hip and now he’s doing it on purpose, the bastard, that slight amused hitch in his breath; he knows exactly what he’s doing to Baz--

“Simon,” Baz snaps, and his voice is an octave higher: two.

“Something wrong?” Simon says. He’s paused straddling Baz’s right hip, the base of his thigh near his knee very close to Baz’s groin.

“You’re an idiot,” Baz tells him. He thinks of butterflies and cats and the Barbies all over his sister’s floor. Anything but the pressure building everywhere.

Simon grins and it’s positively gleeful. “You told me to climb over you. I’m just--”

“I know what you’re doing,” Baz says. Butterflies. Cats. Barbies. He makes a concentrated effort and slides himself higher on the bed, so Simon’s centered over his thighs. That smile. God, he wants-- “Go and get the hell off me.”

“You don’t like it?”

“Snow, I--”

Simon’s face has fallen, just a bit.

“You know I do,” Baz says finally, hoarse. “Okay? This is about--not pressuring you. Because. You know. Well, first Agatha. And what she did. And then second--not related, obviously--but your sexuality--”

He stops because he sounds like an idiot.

“Baz,” Simon says.

“Snow.”

“I’m okay.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Just because I don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean I don’t want other things, you know? It's a spectrum.”

Baz can’t help this smile that feels more like a smirk than a real smile, and Simon sees it, and swats him.

“You know what I mean. I want--you know. What we did last night. And making you crazy. And kissing you. Maybe not now. Or for a while. Or ever. But I want a lot, Baz. And I’ll tell you when I’m not okay.”

He’s still sitting on Baz’s hip, and the entire right side of Baz’s body has gone numb. There’s this fierce current of love and oh and arousal pulsing in long waves through Baz’s veins. He wants to reach up. Cup Simon’s jaw. Kiss the sweat from his upper lip. He wants to say, I want to make you okay.

Instead he says, “Okay.”

Simon’s grin is crooked. “Just okay?”

“Just okay,” Baz says, and then, now, then, he finds his words, he puts his hands up and touches Simon’s knees spread around his body and he says, “I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you more than anything in the world.”

It’s not glee that fills Simon’s face but it’s satisfaction, and when he slides down so he’s parallel along Baz’s body, their chests and shoulders and legs and groins matched up skin-to-skin, Baz loses the rest of his breath. He cannot remember being anything ever other than too hot. 

“Kiss me,” Simon whispers, and Baz does.

Chapter Text

{3:13 p.m.}

I’m just not even going to TRY to prepare a lecture about how you’ve let Simon corrupt you and how THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A TRACK WHICH LEADS STRAIGHT TO A JOB BAGGING AT THE SAFEWAY

I missed one class.

SAFEWAY

BAGGING

YOU WANT TO BE A CEO SOMEDAY

don’t let ur dreams be dreams basilton pitch

What the fuck is wrong with you this afternoon?

Did you kiss him?

Did you sleep in the same bed?

Was it lovely?

Did angels sing?

 

{3:34 p.m.}

DON’T YOU GO AND IGNORE ME YOUNG MAN

Bunce, you’re a danger to humanity.

Don’t you have a class or something?

YAH AND SO DO YOU

4:00

BUSINESS TECH

u better be there or I’m stealing Simon tomorrow

I’ll be there.

AHA UR SO IN LOVE

 

{8:00 p.m.}

Saw Baz today

IM CAUGHT BETWEEN UTTER HATRED AND JUST THIS ALL CONSUMING LOVE

LET’S GO WITH LOVE

YAH NICE TRY

penelope bunce u asshole WHY DID U HIDE THIS FROM ME

i hate u sm

</3

u broke my heart

U DIDNT TELL ME THE HOT BOI I WAS COMPLAINING TO ABT MY HOT ROOMMATE KNEW HE WAS THE HOT ROOMMATE AND WAS ALSO HOT AND WAS THE HOT ROOMMATE

Are you drunk?

no sweetie baz wouldnt let me get drunk

Dear God

Y’all are going to be insufferable

UNSUFFERABLE

He couldn’t stop smiling, earlier. I hope you know that

RELLYL

OMGMGMGMG

MGMGMGNGMGMGMNGNMGMG

I WASNT SURE

IF HE WAS OK

i kind of sat on him

PLEASE GOD NO MORE DETAILS

we kissed

wait wtf really

SIIIIMOOOONNNNN

MY BABY BOI

my son

were you okay though?

Seriously

penny i was fucking on top of the fucking world

i had butterflies up to my ears

 

{10:11 p.m.}

You’re…

You’re kind of cute

I had my doubts

no u didnt

Not in BAZ

I knew he would tell you eventually

the weak-chinned little bastard

HEY THATS MY BOIUFRIEND UR TALKING ABT LAY THE HELL OFF >:(

How quickly you move to defend him

Some night when I’m drunk or just really tired I’m going to go back over our conversations and find all the places you’ve insulted him horribly

Then I’ll screenshot them and send them to Baz

hES SEEN IT ALL

i dont need u telling me how much of an idiot i am i already know

Simon

You’re not an idiot

You just snared the hottest guy on campus

with a combination of swearing, insanely bad grammar, Taylor Swift, high school girlfriends, and sitting on him until he kissed you

TAKE NOOOOOTEEEEESSSSSSS

SOMEHOW I DON’T THINK MICAH WOULD APPRECIATE THE TAYLOR SWIFT

who doesnt appreciate tswizzle

imma turn her on rn

 

{10:29 p.m.}

Are you with him?

no

hes coming back soon

Where is he?

his band had a gig downtown

im still reeeeeeling (luv that word) from the discovry that baz plays linsee sterling violin

...Baz doesn’t sound anything like Lindsey Sterling

anything thats not classical violin is linsee sterling ok

God, who are you

Weren’t you invited? To his gig?

he said if i came he would kill me

What a healthy relationship

He must be shy

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA BAZ SHY

Why else would he have forbidden you from going?

I’m serious

omfg thats so cuuuuuuuuuute

his prformance ends at 11

CAN I MAKE IT

id have to hail a cab tho and im so scared of doign that

like, not of riding in the cab

just of hailing it

ill go watch him sum other time ok

I was never accusing you lol

I WAS ACCUSING MYSELF

IM A BAD BOIFRIEND

thats what we r btw

boifreinds <3 <3

Is Baz aware?

Maybe you should check in with your boyfriend, about being boyfriends

LOOK HELOVES ME WILDLY AND WE KISSED PASSIONATELY AND FIREWORKS EXPLODED AND IDEK PENNY BUT OUHERFWIRVJVRGMWEGVDEFWHJ,DVMDGMGFDMHSMHDMEGVFHMWEFDM thats all that matters

You’re so helplessly cute and stupid

I love you, Si

I LOVE U 2 PENNY PEN PEN

MORE THAN ANYONE IN THE WRLD EXCEPT NICO

*baz

i keep doing that

whoops

You can’t even remember your boyfriend’s name!

SHUT UPPPPPPPPP

oh hay i hear him CANT HATE U ANY LONGER CUZ MY BABYS BACK

I’m retching

byYYYYYeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE

 

{11:14 p.m.}

Simon?

Simonnnnn

Oh

I see how it is

Have fun

Be safe ;)

Go to class tomorrow!!

I’m so lonely

Micah’s camping

No one will talk to me

SIIIIIIMOOOONNNNNNNNNNN

oh well

have fun with your boy

kiss him a lot

Like

UNTIL YOUR LIPS ARE SWOLLEN

I’ll talk to you later

Goodnight <3

Chapter Text

{9:02 a.m.}

whr r u

Getting coffee.

Back in ten.

 

“Here,” Baz says, and he isn’t quite smiling as he presses the cup into Simon’s hand, but he does have this little twist to his mouth, upcast like he’s embarrassed by his own goodheartedness.

Simon stares.

“I brought you coffee.”

“You brought me coffee?”

“Stop gaping at me and drink it.”

He sits with something like a huff--though Simon knows it’s not a huff; Baz fancies himself far too dignified to huff--at the foot of Simon’s bed. The movement creates this little avalanche of coffee onto the bedsheets that Simon finds disturbingly cute.

“And you spilled,” he says.

Baz pulls at the pillowcase. “I did not.”

“You’re flustered,” Simon says, delighted.

“Use your mouth for drinking coffee.”

“Or kissing you,” Simon suggests, feigning casualty, and gets rewarded with this little shiver that shakes the bed a bit. “I bet you wouldn’t mind.”

“Mmpghhp,” Baz says, with an extreme amount of dignity.

Simon holds out a hand.

“Don’t you have homework?”

Disappointment thrills. Simon puts his hand down. “A little. I guess.”

“You should do it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Snow.”

There’s a sigh, which is surprising, and then Baz takes his hand anyway, which is inordinately satisfying. Simon can’t help but smile this goofy little lovesick smile. “Snow,” Baz says again. “Homework.”

“I’ll go crazy. I always do.”

“Simon.”

Simon lowers his head and attempts a flirtatious glance up through his lashes. “You called me Simon,” he says.

“Simon, do you even want to be here?”

“Be where?”

“College. Here.”

Simon says, “Of course I do.”

“Really?”

“Mpgh.”

“There’s no shame in it. You know.”

“Penny,” Simon says, “and you. That’s shame.”

“Don't worry about us. Worry about yourself. What do you really want to do with your life, love?”

There’s this huge gaping moment of silence and then Simon is up, pulling his hand out of Baz’s, clutching at his hair. He stares. He can’t believe it. Maybe it was a dream.

“Oops,” says Baz, but not like the love was a mistake.

 

Later, they’re out to dinner in the mess hall, and Simon’s feeling self-conscious because of the heaping pile of lamb stew he has settled in front of him. Baz is eating a grilled cheese with dainty grace.

“I want to write books, I think,” Simon says, after a moment.

His keycard falls across his tray and gets soaked in the juiciest park of the stew. He appreciates, as he’s wiping it off, that Baz doesn’t laugh--either at the absurdity of Simon wanting to write books, or the keycard in the stew. It’s funny that Baz is now more abrasive over text than in person, when before the opposite used to be true.

“What kind of books?” Baz says, with an admirable quantity of gentleness.

Simon sniffs and tries to pass it off as casual relief. He hasn't yet cried in front of Baz yet, and he's not planning on doing it today. “Probably really gay books,” he admits. “Probably fanfiction, at first. And then maybe not fanfiction but still a lot of gayness.”

Baz says, “I think that sounds really good.”

And they look at each other and Baz smiles this real smile, wide and a little bit snarky, and Simon wants to lean across the table and bite the smile off his lips.

“Will you help me tell Penny?” Simon asks him.

“Of course. You're going to finish the semester?”

“The year,” Simon says, with renewed determination. “And I promise I'll try my best. Like, do the homework I'm supposed to and stuff.”

“I have no expectations,” Baz tells him, and Before Nico Simon would have winced at the cruelty of it, but After Nico it's like just another smile.

 

{8:16 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS CREATED A GROUP CHAT WITH THE CONTACT NUMBERS (204)-978-6060 AND 204)-766-4520

 

{8:17 p.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF THE GROUP CHAT TO “ i need 2 tell u something pen

 

{8:18 p.m.} “ i need 2 tell u something pen ” CONTENTS

Let me guess; you're pan

Or pregnant

Pregnant by whom?

Don't get jealous, Basilton

It was a sperm donor

wtf bazzzzz u said ud back me up but u are NOT being supportive

I believe the term is #sorrynotsorry.

Please never use that hashtag again

Or any hashtag

What even is your problem

GUYS

SORRY SORRY I’M HERE

Here.

As always.

Oh God it's going to be /this/ sort of chat…

penny

imma write books

Simon, that's wonderful!!

Actually!

Two exclamation points always sound sarcastic to me so I added that “actually” to make sure you know I'm being sincere

yah thx for that i got it

heres the catch

There's always a catch.

shutup

Yes, sir.

Kinky ;)

OML THE CATCH AHYYY SHHHHH LISTEB

i think imma drop out of college

to write

Siiiii

Love

 

{8:56 p.m.} UNSENT: DRAFT DELETED

Hey.

 

{8:57 p.m.} “ i need 2 tell u something pen ” CONTENTS

You don't have to

You can do both

no ik i understand

n i will do both for a year

but its cuz i want to

college its not somthung i'm into

it makes me sad

n i wanna b happy

I told him I’d support him.

EVEN THOUGH UR A PRETENTIOUS ENTITLED ASS ABOUT COLLEGE AND ENTITLEMENT AND ETC

That’s in the past.

I CAN’T FUCKIN FIGURE Y’ALL OUT

EVERYTHING’S IN THE PAST

but the future looks good

;)

Okay, Simon

I’ll support you too

Except if you write literary fiction

Then, we’ll have to talk

Chapter Text

{11:01 a.m.} GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY: CONTENTS

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS SEARCHED: harry potter fanfiction

 

{11:11 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-766-8149 HAS REQUESTED TO AUDIO CALL

 

{11:12 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS ACCEPTED THE AUDIO CALL

 

{11:13 a.m.} AUDIO CALL CONTENTS

“Snow.”

“Baz.”

“...”

“Are you in class?”

“I was. I fled to the bathroom.”

“I need help.”

SOUND OF IMMENSELY LONG SIGH

“What kind of help?”

“I thought of the gayest book I knew.”

“What was it?”

“Harry Potter.”

“How--what--”

“Two words: Remus and Sirius.”

LONG PAUSE

“Holy shit; you’re right.”

“I know. So I searched Harry Potter fanfiction and there are over a hundred and fifty thousand stories. And some of these things are like six hundred thousand words long.”

LONG PAUSE

“I fail to see how this translates to why you need my help.”

“Is class almost over?”

SOUND OF A GRUNT

“Be there in fifteen.”

 

{11:19 a.m.}

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS HUNG UP

 

“Are you seeing this?”

“I’m right here,” Baz says dryly. He’s perched on the windowsill next to Simon, overheated laptop on both their laps. The fanfiction open in an archive tab is called Sexytime with remus and Sirius.

“This isn’t--” Simon rubs his head. “This isn’t like what I wanted.”

“Hey, your grammar’s about this good,” Baz says.

He regrets it almost immediately: the look on Simon’s face is so raw and wide-open, like scraped knees. He puts out his hand and then pulls it back, sharp and apologetic, because Simon’s closed his eyes.

“This is absurd,” Simon says, quietly. “Tell me that.”

“It’s not absurd.”

“I can’t even text right.”

Baz bites his lip and draws blood. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know why he messed this up. “You tell good stories. And little stuff--that’s easy to fix--”

Simon opens his eyes and shakes his head.

“Hey,” Baz says.

“It’s stupid,” Simon says. “Absurd. And unrealistic. Fanfiction doesn’t pay. Even real books pay nothing. You can’t make any kind of a living off writing. Especially when you suck.”

Baz can’t breathe. “You don’t suck.”

“Yes, I do. You’ve never read anything I’ve written. You’ve never--”

“So show me.”

Simon looks at him for a long moment. His expression is flat, the sting gone out of it. When the corners of his mouth quirk up, it’s more like sarcasm than real amusement.

“Fine,” he says. “You want to see?”

 

He wakes up and he’s falling. it’s that kind of  falling that it’s very hard to replicate outside of dreams, so for a long time as he plunges and plunges he thinks hes in a dream. His mom told him to pinch himself. he does and he doesn’t wake up.

Eventually he still hasn’t hit bottom and he still hasn’t woken up so he kind of jolts back and forth but all he succeeds in doing is whacking his elbow against the side of the pit and screaming this little high-pitched scream witch Taylor would make fun of him for if he had herd.

 

The document is called 9 PM, June 11th, and underneath the paragraph there’s a page-long mess of scrambled letters, hgrehjghejrghgewhj, alternating caps and just radiating fury. Simon puts his hand over it when he sees Baz is looking.

“This is really good,” Baz says.

“Don’t lie.”

“I mean it.”

“There’s grammar. Spelling.”

Baz reaches across Simon for the laptop; slides his finger on the mousepad. In just a few short strokes he’s changed hes to he’s, witch to which, herd to heard, and capitalized the sentences that need it. He puts his hands back in his lap. “See how easy that was?”

“It isn’t even about anything,” Simon mutters, stabbing at the screen. It indents colorfully around his finger.

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Simon clicks back to the archive tab.

“This grammar isn’t anything like yours,” Baz says.

Simon’s lips start to curve again, smiling for real now, and Baz takes a risk and slides his palm comfortingly across Simon’s knee. There’s no reaction, but he takes that as a good thing.

“This is really bad,” Simon says.

Remus licked Sirius thigh, “Mmm.” He said. “You are so big Sirius you would look so good in me.” Sirius said “please fuck me, I want to feel you!!” He moaned as Remus licked his penis with his big tongue “can I lick your balls?” Asked Remus with tenderness.

Simon starts giggling and can’t stop. He falls sideways into Baz’s lap and Baz has to grab the laptop so it doesn’t shatter on the dorm floor.

“Can I lick your balls?” Baz asks him, in this seductive tone that it physically hurts to use.

“You are so big, Baz,” Simon snorts, writhing in his arms. “You would look sooooo good in me.”

“Do you want me to lick your penis with my big tongue?”

Simon’s laughing so hard he’s crying. “I want you to lick my thigh.”

 

“So, what do we think?” Baz asks, when the hysteria’s settled a little. “Going to write yourself some Sexytime with remus and Sirius?”

“You know it,” Simon says. He’s sitting on the floor with his knees skewed up, laptop propped at an angle that can’t be healthy for his back. “Just don’t tell Penny, okay?”

Baz tilts his phone so Simon can see.

 

{1:09 p.m.}

Would you object to Simon writing this sort of fanfiction?

THE CONTACT NUMBER (204)-978-6060 HAS SENT AN IMAGE

GOD HELP ME AND SAVE MY SOUL

SIMON I’M GOING TO FUCKING /KILL/ YOU

Chapter Text

Sexytime with remus and Sirius

By cayley_Ross

It was really cold and remus was walking home suddenly he ran into a big man, the man was very tall and he had black hair. his Hair was so long that if had boobs his hair would have touched his boobs, he did not have man boobs though because he was so strong and handsome so it only touched his abs. remus blinked and couldnt breath “Omg” he says “im remus im SO sorry for bumping into you” “remus” says the strange man, “That is a pretty name” (except he didnt say pretty because that would be gay. “Thank you!!!” says Remus, “what is your name” “my name is Sirius” said the big man. “are you sirious??” Says Remus, He started laughing so hard he fell over, but he fell into Sirius’ arms. sirius looks at him and their eyes speared each other with literal swords. there sexual tension is thick enough to slice. Sirius leans forward and fire leaped between there lips, they had to kiss they both knew it so they leaned forward and there lips met. “oh” says Remus when they are done “That was perfect, you are soooo sexy Sirius and I love your name, I’m sirius.” “no” says Sirius I’M SIRIUS!!!! They laughed so hard they kiss again, all of a sudden sirius started kissing Remus even harder! remus thinks he is going to faint, he puts his hands on sirius’s butt and feels his cheeks. They are very firm and round, calling out for someone to hold them, remus wants to hold ALL of Sirius! He says “come home with me I am very close” so they go home holding hands, when they got home they barely got inside before remus kissed sirius and they tumbled onto a couch, remus stripped of all of Sirius’s clothes. he started kissing his collar bones and could feel with his hand AND his eyes that sirius was super hard, “mmm.” He said. “You are So hard! I bet you are so big”. he pulled down sirius’s zipper and then his whole pants! Sirius was soooo huge, remus couldnt see how he was going to fit in Remus, if he wants to anyway, Remus was a very good bottom but he could top to. he was a sexy guy that was for sure and he hopes sirius Knew!! He started licking sirius’s neck and his chest, his chest wasnt hairy so he starts licking the hair at the bottom of sirius’s stomach instead; theres a Line where Sirius’s boxers have been So remus kissed that, Sirius was moaning sooooo loudly that remus thought he was having a heart attack! Remus licked Sirius thigh, “Mmm.” He said. “You are so big Sirius you would look so good in me.” Sirius said “please fuck me, I want to feel you!!” He moaned as Remus licked his penis with his big tongue “can I lick your balls?” Asked Remus with tenderness. all Sirius could say was “Yes remus don’t stop please” so remus put his tongue on his balls and swished it around. Sirius was in Heaven, he definitely sees how sexy remus is now! he was so amazed by Remus’s fourplay that he almost came all over remus’s chin, man that would have been embarrassing, luckily Remus pulled away and says “do you want me to fuck you?” Sirius nodded energeticlly “yes Please!!” remus took off his clothes, he was so big he almost made sirius look small, and guess what, he didn’t even need lube. he was a Very sexy guy. He thrusts into sirius and sirius makes a big moan, he cannot believe how big Remus is but he feels soooo good. they rocked into each other and made a rithim, remus pounded into him like the big strong alpha male he is! “ooohhhhhhhhhhh.” Says Sirius, “don’t stop now” Remus thrusted in one more time and bang! He came into Sirius’s butt with the round cheeks, now he was touching them; well, he was inside them, actually. he pulled himself out and starts stroking Sirius’s penis, Sirius was so hard he is hurting so remus made him feel better, like Dr. remus, that was a roleplay sirius wanted to do sometime!! “You are so beautiful.” Whispers remus and Sirius came all over him. It was pretty gay but sirius didn’t care, he wiped his cum of Remus and then they lie down and snuggle. what a sexy guy! Sirius thinks, we should do this again some time.

Chapter Text

The book Simon writes is brilliant. Even Baz admits this.

He reads it in excerpts, so as not to waste it: at the beach with Penny. Flat on his back in the dorm. Tucked into corners of coffee shops. Tangled yin-and-yang with Simon on the couch of his new apartment, slim and cold.

“It’s decent, I suppose,” he admits, setting the laptop down.

“Decent?” Simon says. His face falls.

Baz shrugs like he doesn’t care--he has a reputation, after all--and then goes to the bathroom to cry. Simon catches him there, fifteen minutes later, when he’s unable to stop tearing up long enough to dry his face.

 

It’s called Reasons to Hate. Simon’s not really sure why. He tells Baz it might have something to do with a scene thirteen or fourteen pages into the book, but Baz can’t find it.

“It’s just my publishing company,” Simon says, waving a hand. He’s very blasé about the whole endeavor: publishing, being published. Baz kind of wants to jump up and down and tell everyone his boyfriend’s a real published author, find his book on Amazon, you won’t be disappointed, God I’m just so proud . “They do this to every book. You know. Spin the wheel; what ambiguous three-word title will we get today?”

He has started using words like ambiguous and voluptuous. It makes Baz a little disgruntled because he can no longer get away with giving Simon subtle compliments that sound like dirty words.

Simon’s pen name is Simon Salisbury. It was his mother’s maiden name.

“At least it’s better than Snow,” is all Baz has to say about it.

 

Off the royalties, which are modest but more than satisfactory, they see Hamilton in January. Baz cries. He’s been crying an awful lot, lately. Simon says he must be pregnant, so Baz tells him it’s Penny’s child.

A man in skinny jeans and Converse and gay hipster hair stops them on their way out of the theater and tells them that they’re really cute and he’d love to know how they met. Baz looks at Simon and Simon looks at Baz and at the same exact time they both say, “Blind date,” like they’ve rehearsed it, and walk on.

Simon reveals later that he’s flattered they’re seen as cute , and Baz says yes, it’s always lovely to be gawked at like animals in the zoo and slapped with labels reserved for toddlers. But all the same, he’s flattered too. Instead of telling Simon this, he takes off Simon’s shirt.

 

“What’s this?” Simon says, in mild confusion.

He’s wearing his nicest dress shirt and the black shoes Baz picked out for him at Nordstrom’s, and his hair is refusing to lie down. His suit jacket lies hastily folded along his forearm. He looks like a fucking dream.

“A sandwich,” Baz answers, attempting to ignore the gaping classmate who’s just passed by. He bitched enough about Simon that being seen with him in public still turns heads. “Are you unfamiliar with sandwiches?”

Simon, grinning, adopts a hick accent. “Where Ah come from, Ah only eat mah chicken raw.

They’re at Baz’s graduation. The ceremony is already over--both Baz and Penny received an embarrassing amount of awards--and now families pour across the unkempt lawn of the courtyard, arm in arm. Baz’s family didn’t come. He wasn’t expecting them to, but the rejection still manages to sting.

“Do you--”

“I’m fine, Snow.”

Simon blinks. “I was just going to ask if you wanted a sandwich.”

Baz curls his hands into tight little fists. He adjusts the tone of his voice and makes it smooth instead of sharp. “I’d’ve taken a sandwich, if I wanted one.”

“Okay,” Simon says, and they walk on.

 

“I came,” Simon announces, eventually, when they’ve moved on to a table filled with intricate little pastries and most of the improv troupe.

Baz looks at him, over his shoulder.

“I know your family didn’t, but I did.”

There’s a sudden unexpected dampness in Baz’s eyes, which is decidedly unprofessional and will not be abided. Maybe he is pregnant. He swipes at his face and thinks: here is the boy who breaks down walls, perfecting his craft.

Simon moves to his side and takes one of the intricate little pastries. It looks like a mobius strip, except frosted. He breaks it into two pieces (look, Baz: infinity shattered) and hands the bigger one to Baz.

“Thanks,” Baz says, and is horrified to hear his voice so gruff. He clears his throat. “And--Snow. Thanks. You know. For coming.”

He realizes too late that this leaves an beautiful opportunity for a dirty joke, too perfect to miss, but Simon just smiles his big crooked shining smile and slips his hand into Baz’s. Either he’s ignoring the opportunity, or Baz has officially become better at spotting these sorts of things than Simon himself.

“‘Course, love,” Simon says. “Anytime.”

 

It will be the last time Baz will use his room key. He lets Simon unlock the door, for old time’s sake.

The other bed--once Simon’s--is neatly made, piled with suitcases and stacks of sheets and a filing cabinet, but Baz’s bed is bare. Simon bypasses it for the window ledge. He puts his hand on the smeary glass and says, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Baz says. He’s not sure if it’s a lie or not.

“You seem so down.”

“I’m fine.”

Simon pats the ledge across from him, so Baz shrugs off his suit jacket and goes to sit.

“I’m going to miss you,” Simon says, very quiet.

“Two years isn’t so long.”

“Do you have to go to graduate school?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no shame--”

Baz almost laughs. “Don’t try to lecture me. I am an infinitely better lecturer than you. This is what I want. It’s not about shame.”

Simon sighs and pokes Baz’s toe with his. Baz pokes back. There’s silence for a long time. Perhaps a minute, or longer. Baz turns his head to watch the bustle of campus unfold.

“Hey,” Simon says.

“What?”

“I love you so much,” Simon tells him, very plainly.

Baz almost falls out the window. He says, “Fuck,” because he’s lost all other kinds of rational thought.

“We’ve been together for a long time.”

Three years. Baz says, “What the fuck, Snow? Are you asking me to marry you?”

“No, stupid. I’m alluding to it,” Simon says, with this devilish little grin. “That’s a literary device. I wouldn’t expect you to know such things, being an economics major and all.”

Baz takes him by the back of the neck. He can’t speak, so he kisses him instead.

“We’re going to fall,” Simon says, grasping for the edge of the sill.

Baz snorts and pulls away. “I already did.”

“Fell?”

“In love,” Baz says, and watches Simon turn scarlet.

“That was horrible,” Simon tells him.

“I know,” Baz says.

“Here--”

Simon gets off the window ledge and Baz does too and then all of a sudden they’re kissing like they never have before, tangled up in each other’s arms in the quiet pulse and prosper of this dorm room Simon left behind. It’s their first kiss and their last kiss, all at once. They stumble a little and Baz backs Simon’s ass into the mattress and then they’re side by side, propped on elbows, and Baz asks this okay? this okay? this okay? until Simon gets exasperated and shouts that he’ll goddamn tell him when it isn’t okay, shut up and kiss me, Baz, not like that, do it harder.

It’s only when they’re both very and entirely naked that Simon puts his hand on Baz’s chest and says, contentedly, “That’ll do,” and then snuggles against the curve that Baz’s body makes and closes his blue-sky eyes.

And it’s okay. Just being there. Just existing, naked, side by side.

Baz puts his head very carefully on Simon’s chest, then turns and kisses the inside slope of his shoulder, right where it joins his arm.

“Goodnight, Simon,” he says, and he’s saying, I love you . He’s saying, I always have.

And then in the junction of two separate lives, before the beginning of a shared one, Baz Pitch puts his arm around his boyfriend's waist and goes to sleep.