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Midnight

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12. 09. 2012

“You sure you want another drink, Hu? I mean it’s late already. Midnight to be precise. You should go home and rest, tour starts tomorrow,” Felix says trying to sound less drunk than he actually is.

“Midnight…,” Hugo tastes the word on his tongue as if it was something delicious. “You know Fe, there was a time where you wouldn’t throw me out at midnight.” A mischievous grin curls around the corners of Hugo’s mouth.

“I’m not throwing you out, Hugo!,” Felix objects energetically and consequently fails to hide his own drunkenness. He’s definitely had one or two too many. Which probably had been Hugo’s plan all along.

“So can I just sleep here then? If you’re not throwing me out,” Hugo asks not so innocently. Felix laughs dryly.

“Yes! I mean, no. Oh Hugo, we both know what would happen if you stayed here tonight. You would sleep on your hands and knees. Or well, not sleep at all…”

“You know me too well, brother,” Hugo whispers with a velvety voice. Felix doesn’t know if he’s hallucinating or if Hugo is actually twirling a strand of hair around his little finger.

“No. No Hugo, we said no. We agreed not to… No, we can’t do this. Tour starts tomorrow and then…” Felix shakes his head and stands up to fill himself a glass of tap water. He quickly gulps it down before he dares to look at his brother again. Felix quickly realises that this was a mistake. Hugo has stood up and there is a pout on his wonderfully full lips that Felix wants to kiss off his face. And then drag Hugo back to his bedroom and never let him go again. But he can’t. They can’t.

“Oh Felix, don’t look like someone has spilled your coffee…I know so many ways of making you very, very happy,” Hugo whispers seductively and slowly walks over to his brother until there are only a few inches separating them. Felix sighs and breathes in Hugo’s familiar scent. He’s so close to giving in. As if he could ever resist Hugo.

Felix leans in but changes his mind in the last second. A little bit too forcefully he pushes Hugo away. Hugo’s eyes that had already been closed in anticipation of a kiss are filled with hurt and Felix regrets being so harsh with his little brother immediately. How could he expect Hugo to respect their boundaries when he couldn’t even control himself?

“I…I’m sorry, Hugo!,” Felix says immediately and rushes to Hugo to comfort him and apologise by caressing his hair and cheeks. This time it’s Hugo who pushes his brother away.

“Am I just getting what I deserve, Felix? I can’t love anyone else and no one else can love me. I only love you, forever. But then you say you don’t want me. After all of this! It’s like a drug. I was just hoping to get one last fix before the tour begins. I can’t go on without you. God, it hurts!,” Hugo moans. Felix takes his brother in his arms and presses him against his chest to calm Hugo down. The younger one is slightly struggling in Felix’s tight embrace but gives in after a few moments to listen to the calming rhythm of Felix’s heart beating.

“Your heart still beats for me…,” Hugo murmurs and delicately strokes over Felix’s chest.

“Of course it does,” Felix assures his brother. “I’m sorry I’m so weak. But I’m afraid, Hugo. I’m your big brother, it’s my duty to look out for you. And lately I’ve just gotten that feeling that people know. That people would take you away from me. I know it’s a silly thought, we’re not kids anymore but still… And this tour is going to be really big with massive crowds. And they scare me. All I see is a crowd of people who are against us. Them against us, our kind of love. I never told this anyone but I’m scared.”

Shocked by this revelation Hugo takes a step back to look his brother in the eye.

“Is that true Felix? I would never have guessed. You seem to be the happiest person ever on stage. The band lives off your stage persona!”

“Exactly! That’s why I never told anyone,” Felix sighs, now that the weight of this secret is lifted off his shoulders.

“Ohhh,” Hugo hums soothingly and this time it’s the younger one who has to comfort his brother. “I never care about the crowds at shows. They’re just enormous and moving to the music, I could imagine I was at seven different places all at once.”

“Didn’t we make a rule not to smoke weed before shows, Hu?,” Felix jokes half-heartedly.

“It’s not the drugs that get me high. Well, not only. It’s you, Felix. Your presence. Even if the stage is 30 metres long. You always come over for First Love and Precious Time… The colosseum or the concert hall, the city or the sea, the bedroom or the ballroom, it makes no difference to me. I love you the same everywhere. No masses of people can ever stop me from loving you. And I want to show that, wherever we are. ”

“But how can you be so careless? When we’re in public…”

“Shhh, Fe. We’re on a stage. It’s a different dimension. We’re artists. We can do whatever we want and no one will suspect anything. And even if they do, it could also be just a show, entertainment. The stage is really just a place to lose it.”

“I don’t know Hugo…,” Felix says uncertainly.

“Come on, Fe, one way or the other you have to break through your fear. I can’t stand knowing you’re not happy performing!,” Hugo insists and his childlike stubbornness makes Felix smile.

“You’re still so fucking stubborn, Hugo. You’re unbelievable. I still see you on that windowsill on our first night. How you almost stomped your foot as you desperately begged me to finally kiss you. I underestimated you then and I am underestimating you now.”

“I will always remember that night and that windowsill. You know I wrote We Grew Up At Midnight about us?”

“How could I not know… I think everyone knows.”

“And everyone loves it. Stop worrying Fe, it doesn’t suit you. And now let me sleep here and fuck me on my hands and knees like you promised.”