“Hey Felix, would you mind if I put on some music? Samuel recommended it to me and it sounds really interesting!,” Hugo shouted through the studio.
“Yeah, go ahead!,” Felix answered and continued to sort out the polaroids he had taken on the last tour.
The sounds that filled the studio just a few minutes later were indeed interesting. But they were also unique, haunting, dark, broken and full of a pain that Felix could barely grasp. But most importantly the music triggered an atmosphere in Felix that took him back to that night.
Light as a feather Felix’s fingertips danced over the naked skin of Hugo’s back. Going in ruthless circles they never found any rest. Wandering from Hugo’s neck in spirals down to where the blanket covered his lower body half. And then back up. It was a never ending journey.
Hugo didn’t notice any of this. He was fast asleep and lying on this stomach, his naked body barely covered by the light summer duvet. Moonlight fell through the window and shone on the perfect pallor of Hugo’s muscular back. His evenly rising and falling shoulder plates were an indicator of his peaceful sleep.
A peace that Felix couldn’t share with his younger brother, which was why he was still awake even though it was long past midnight. But Felix’s mind found no rest and his fingers kept wandering aimlessly over Hugo’s skin.
The room was quiet except for Hugo’s calm breathing and the house was dark except for that moonlight beam that lighted their bed like a spotlight and made Felix feel like the whole world was watching him. Them.
Memories of what had happened in that bed just a few hours ago came back to Felix.
“I wanna be with you!,” Hugo said seductively and let his hands trail down his older brother’s chest but Felix put them away gently.
“No, Hugo… We can’t… it wouldn’t be right, I would feel like I’m using you.. You are only 15…”
“Maybe I wanna be used! I want this, I want you!”
Hugo had trusted him. He had given Felix everything. His love, his body and his fate. It was like a weight had been lifted from Hugo’s shoulders, from his heart, and he was free to sleep in peace now while all of this emotional burden, the responsibility, weighed Felix down. Doubts were nagging at him. Had it been right to reveal his feelings to his little brother? Felix could have handled them, but could Hugo, too? Or had he just begged his older brother to make love to him because he thought that was what Felix expected of him?
Felix couldn’t tell. He only knew that the person lying there next to him meant more than anything to him.
“Fe, will you…will you…stay…? Mum and Dad won’t check on us…Please, I need you…,” Hugo mumbled, exhaustedly. Lovingly Felix glanced down at his younger brother and pulled the blanket over him.
“You know I’ll hold you tight…As always,” Felix answered and lay down next to his brother. The bed wasn’t made for two persons and they had to snuggle up tightly. Hugo hummed and none of them cared about the sticky mess of sweat between them.
“I hope you feel used,” Felix whispered quietly into Hugo’s ear. “I hope you feel that you gave everything to me. I hope you feel that I will do everything for you.”
Felix took a deep breath and put a streak of hair behind Hugo’s ear. He loved seeing his brother sleeping this peacefully but he would also love to look him in the eye and read all of Hugo’s emotions like he always did.
“And I hope you cope the way you do…I don’t want to conjure up abuse but that’s what you do, Hugo. You make use of the only thing that is stronger than my wish to protect you: and that is my love for you…,” Felix confessed to his sleeping brother. He kept a watchful eye on Hugo’s breathing but there were no signs that Hugo was still awake. Felix kissed his brother’s cheek. And when his lips left Hugo’s skin, they stayed just a small inch away.
“Felix, we’re safe in here! This room is our little space. This world, it doesn’t hold a fear. I feel secure with you,” Hugo promised again and again to convince his older brother. He was right in some ways. When their Grandma had died last year and the brothers had moved into her room above the White flat to leave William the children’s room all for himself.
Felix stared disbelievingly at Hugo who had gone back to re-stringing an acoustic guitar.
The brain lives but the vibes are dead. That’s what he feels when he looks at Hugo now.
Felix startled up when Hugo started to talk in his sleep. He shouldn’t be surprised, Hugo does that all the time. Still, Felix was afraid what might come out of Hugo’s mouth.
“Can’t you…bear…just one more…night…,” Hugo murmured in his sleep while Felix was frozen in fear he might wake his brother. How many nights had they slept in the same room, haunted by the thoughts of crawling into bed with the other? How many nights had it taken Hugo to finally confess that he wanted to be with Felix? How many nights had he had to bear, being this close to Felix, but never close enough.
“I…I can stay in your mind, Hugo! You can wish me to stay away! I swear, I would…I would never touch you!,” Felix half-heartedly tried to influence his brother. But Hugo’s mind and heart was set.
Felix looked at Hugo. There were no signs that he was feeling the same rush of memories and emotions as Felix.
“No one has to know, Fe… I could stay in your mind!,” Hugo whispered in Felix’ ear. The older one shivered as Hugo’s breath ghosted over his neck.
“I could stay in your mind,” Felix repeated Hugo’s words. Because that was everything that could ever be between them. They would never be able to show their love in front of anyone. All of their love had to stay in their minds.
“Or you know…you could wish me to stay away, Hugo…”
Felix stared into Hugo’s eyes, trying to read his brother’s true intentions. But all he could see in the deep blue of Hugo’s eyes was true love.
Felix could already feel his control melting away. Hugo always had his way with him. The soft touches, the hope in his eyes, and how he laid his soul bare for Felix.
“Dear lover…,” Hugo pleaded, his hands still on Felix’s chest.
“Dear brother…It’s…We can’t…I…”
“Dear brother…,” Felix raised his voice over the music. “Care to tell my what band this is?”
“Oh, so you’re suddenly interested in my music? How come?,” Hugo grinned at him. Felix sighed at that pretty and cheeky smile Hugo was giving him. Everyday it reminded him that he lived his life in hell. Being able to see, hear and touch his brother. But never really being with him. Can we lose our emotions and still live well? That was a question Felix asked himself every day.
Felix carefully stroked over Hugo’s cheek. It was still a bit rosy from their latest activity but it was also as soft as a baby’s skin. Felix observed Hugo’s face carefully. What had changed? Had something changed? Was this wonderful person lying next to him still his innocent baby brother? No, he wasn’t, that was obvious. But how could Felix tell that this face has changed? What made Hugo look so much more mature now, after just one night? Was it his heart, or his brain? Or the pain of not being able to go two separate ways?
“I could stay in your mind. You can wish me to stray away…”
But Hugo had never left Felix a sign to stray away. Hugo had always told him to stay. Even when others said that their relationship would never have a chance.
“I could stay in your mind tonight…,” Hugo suggested. Felix grinned because he knew that what Hugo meant was if he could stay in Felix’s bed tonight. It was their secret language.