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A Sinking Feeling

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A sinking feeling. That’s what it was.

Sitting out here with the cold midnight air caressing her skin, she felt that every part of her was awake, aware of where she sat: a plain balcony painted white outside of her apartment, the night sky before her where the moon’s light barely peeks through the many clouds that crowd the space, the distant sound of people making their way back home after a long party, and then, of course, the cold wind. She had come out here just to possibly see the stars, but the clouds took that hope away as soon as she exited out. Though she felt her body quiver from the wind, she still wanted to sit out here in hopes that she will eventually calm down.

That dream once again. It haunted her for the past few days, but she tried to cope, forcing herself to go back to bed. Not this time. Not tonight. Instead, that dream kept her awake in bed.

She recalled standing in a black space where there was only her. Then came the invisible hands that reached towards her, feeling every part of her body. They would gloss over her skin just as this wind was doing with her now. But unlike the wind, slowly the hands begin to grab at her; their grips were numbing her senses. She’d stare at where the grips were but she couldn’t feel the pressure on that part of the body, as though the strengths of the hands were giving her so much pain that it felt like nothing anymore. She thought that they would stop there, that the hands have gotten what they wanted, but it doesn’t.

When she looked again, down to her feet and to her hands, she sees chunks of herself dissipating away into the darkness. Blocks and blocks of her are chipping away, and she couldn’t feel a thing. The hands were taking her apart and she couldn’t feel a goddamn thing, watching as her fingers and legs were slowly dissipating. Soon, she couldn’t breathe. She would gasp, but there was no air. She’d try to shake herself, but she couldn’t. She was trapped, screaming aloud, stuck in place. And all that screaming would amount to nothing, as her head disappeared, too. After that, she would wake up from her dream, a jolt in bed as though she had dreamt she was falling in her sleep.

It was the jolt that had awaken her with some energy, but the thought of the dream returning had made her refrain from trying to sleep again. She didn’t want it to come back, not one bit. Even the wind now makes her afraid that every part of her being would just blow away and disappear into the night. She didn’t want that, but she also didn’t want to go back inside or to just lay down in bed until morning came. The feel of the wind was both oddly alarming and soothing at the same time. It was as though, in a way, she was defying her dream, hoping that this will tell her she won’t disappear if the hands were like the wind.

However, it seemed like it wasn’t enough. Thinking about the dream, recalling it, the numbing sensation and to see herself be broken and disappearing; all of that made her body quiver more than the wind ever could. She would shut her eyes tight and try to focus on another thought, but closing her eyes and seeing nothing, too, would remind her of the dream. It was pointless to her to try not to think about it. So she sat with the thought, shaking under its weight.

Then she felt a grip on her shoulder. She flinched away at the touch and turned around to see someone crouching behind her. Though the lighting was too dark for her to see, she could definitely recognize the sweet cherubic face of her girlfriend.

“Are you okay?” The soft voice began.

“I’m fine. I just wanted to some air.” She assured.

“You should really be going to bed,” Her girlfriend suggested, as she rubbed her eyes, “It’s really late.”

“I know. Don’t worry! Just go back to bed, Namine.” She assured again.

But she could tell that Namine was pouting, even in the dark. Her nose scrunched up and her lower lip further out.

“But… you haven’t been sleeping a whole lot lately,” The blonde muttered in a quiet tone. She couldn’t help but wonder how her girlfriend knew, but her girlfriend was quick to answer. “You keep shaking the bed when you wake up.”

“Oh,” She replied, “Sorry. I’ve just been having a bad dream lately.”

“I noticed,” Namine gave a concerned look before sitting herself down, “Do you want to talk about it?”

She couldn’t help but let out a sigh. Not out of irritation; there was no way her girlfriend could possibly annoy her whatsoever, but the sigh was moreso about what she should do.

“Well,” She tilted her head in thought, “I guess it’d be good to talk about it.” She took in a long breath of air before letting out a long exhale. “The dreams I’ve been having… they…” She couldn’t get the words out. They don’t want to escape her throat. They wanted to linger in her mind longer despite her wishes.

Her mind came to halt when Namine reached out. Her girlfriend’s hands were so cold pressed against her own. When she looked up to her partner’s face, even through the darkness, she could see that glistening smile that she loved dearly. How comforting it was to feel her touch and see those pairs of thin lips grinning her way; they made getting the words out easier.

She turned away, still holding her other’s hand, “The dreams are always the same. I’m always trapped in this black void and I could see myself disappearing… And no matter what I do… No matter how much I scream or cry out, I just keep disappearing…”

Her girlfriend let go of her hands. Namine’s pale, cold hands trace her own tan arms before Namine’s arms were wrapped around her.

“You’re not going to disappear, Xion. You won’t.” Her girlfriend’s soft voice cooed. “You’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

If she could, Xion would easily fall asleep by the sound of Namine’s voice. Those words she spoke — so simple in matters but they were like a lullaby that made her heart feel at ease.

She closed her eyes and felt peace flood her thoughts in that embrace. She buried her head in the other’s shoulder before hugging her back.

“I think I’m just afraid of being forgotten,” Xion muttered, voice sounding ragged. “I feel like I haven’t done anything to really make an impression on anyone… I just hate the idea that I’m wasting away.”

“Not at all,” Namine’s embrace tightened up around Xion, “You aren’t wasting away. You’re fine as you are.”

Xion wanted to speak up more — to fight against those words Namine spoke, but Namine continued.

“And… you won’t be forgotten. Not by me. I would never forget you, Xion.” Namine let Xion go and moved away. Soon she placed her hands on top of Xion’s shoulders and her thin lips pressed against Xion’s forehead.

Warm. Those lips that made Xion’s entire being feel warmer. Those lips that made Xion’s eyes water up and made her smile toothily.

“You know how much I love you, don’t you, Namine?” Xion chuckled weakly.

Namine laughed quietly back, “Of course, and I love you, too, Xion.” The blonde leaned in towards Xion. A kiss on the lips in the dark. Lips locked into one another. Xion’s eyes couldn’t help but tear up more — this feeling was so overwhelming to her.

The black haired girl smiled away in the midst of their kissing. Pulling away, she chuckled more. Namine looked at her, an eyebrow raised as she pouted once more.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m so dramatic, aren’t I?” Xion laughed it off.

Namine smiled and shook her head, “You’re fine. I’ll still love you, even if you are little dramatic.”

“Oh, so I am dramatic,” Xion leaned her head back and rested one arm on her face in defeat.

“A-Ah! Wait no, that’s not what I meant!” Namine stammered.

“I’m just kidding,” Xion reached out and rubbed her girlfriend’s arm. “I’m just… really glad I have you in my life.”

“As I am with you,” Namine nodded. The blonde looked up at the sky and Xion looked, too. The sky seemed so much lighter now, as though morning was coming soon.

“Hey, how about we go back to bed?” Xion suggested.

“That doesn’t seem like a bad idea,” Namine leaned her head against Xion’s shoulder.

“Then, I can cuddle with you a little more.”

“I would love that,” Xion got up from her seat on the balcony. She reached out to help her girlfriend up, and soon, the two left the white balcony and the nighttime scenery to retreat to bed in peace.