Her wedding night
That night, Pammi made her way to her room, tired but happy. The past few weeks had been so emotionally and physically draining that she felt almost lightheaded; there was a happy smile on her face though as she walked into her room.
As she entered, she noticed that the room was dark; wondering why Lacchi hadn’t come and turned the lights on, she put out a hand to flick the switch when she heard her husband’s voice
She turned towards the sound of his voice, then gasped as she felt the warmth of his body just behind hers. She could feel his breath through the pallu covering her neck, then jumped a little as she felt his lips on her neck, though she was shielded by the cloth of her dupatta.
It was all Tej could do to keep a tight leash on his needs but he needed to be sure that she wanted this as much as he did. He wasn’t a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but he never again wanted to feel as if he was using his wife. His wife; those words meant something to him now. She deserved more from him that to just be a body, a vessel for his release.
Perhaps he would need to give her more time, perhaps tonight was too soon to expect that she would welcome his touch............
Just as he was about to draw back, unwilling to make her feel like she had no choice in what happened, she turned in his arms and pressed close; it was perhaps the first spontaneous gesture she had ever felt comfortable in making.
The feel of her body so close to his played havoc with his already tenuous control; his arms came round her and held her close. In the silence, he could feel her heart racing, feel the heat radiating off her and thanked whatever stars were watching over him for the generous heart of the woman he held in his arms, who could somehow still want him despite everything.
For a moment Tej was overwhelmed by the responsibility facing him. For all intents and purposes, tonight was their wedding night. He may have taken pleasure from the many times he had slept with Pammi over the past five years, but he was intensely aware that tonight was the first time his wife had wanted him. Considering her life till now, it was probable that she wasn’t even aware of what that meant; didn’t know about the joy that could be experienced when two people loved. She certainly wouldn’t know how to behave or make her wants known.
Realising that he would need to hold his needs in check so as not to scare her, he brought one hand round and tilted her face up towards him. She kept her eyes closed; a wave of tenderness rolled through him and he bent to place two gentle kisses on her closed lids. He bent forward and lay a gentle kiss on her lips, then whispered “Darna mat Pammi”
Pammi was filled with a yearning for something she couldn’t express. She knew she wanted, but didn’t really know what that meant. Some part of her wished Tej would just do what he always did; surely now that he cared for her it wouldn’t feel quite so messy and inconvenient- perhaps the fact that she wanted to be able to give him pleasure would make it less uncomfortable for her.
But there was another part of her that wanted to know what she had been missing. Throughout the years, as she’d watched romantic movies and watched the way women seemed to crave a man’s touch, she’d understood that women were as able to find pleasure as men were. She’d just never thought she’d experience it or that Tej would be willing to share it with her.
She squeaked, all thought leaving her head as Tej lifted her into his arms. “Yeh aap kya karrahe hain Ji, main chal sakti hoon, aap ko uthaane ki kya zaroorat hai”
Tej laughed, her frantic comments breaking through the tension “Aaj to itni fikr hai, tujhe itni dafa jab aise hi baahon mein uthata tha, tab to kuch nahin kaha”
She looked at him with surprise on her face, the obvious query visible in her eyes. “Kursi mein so jaati theen to main tujhe aise hi baahon mein leta tha aur bistar pe lita ta tha.”
As he spoke, he demonstrated exactly what he meant; placing her in the centre of the bed he moved back and stood looking down at her. In her dark red outfit, with the pallu covering her head as always, he was reminded of the night of their wedding. Knowing that there was nothing that he could do to erase the past, he was still swamped by a wave of guilt. Why had it taken outsiders to open his eyes; why had he not seen what he was doing? For a moment he just stood there, looking at his wife sitting there with her head bent. Then she looked up at him and he realised that whilst there was nothing he could do to change the past, he could make the future better.
Pammi sat still, waiting for Tej to move; when he sat next to her on the bed, she looked at him and smiled. It was a smile of welcome that struck straight to his heart.
Gently, for her smile made him want to be gentle, he drew her pallu away; she looked even more tiny without the voluminous dupatta wrapped around her, her hair flowing around her. Without wanting to, he remembered her as she had been five years ago; that night he hadn’t even given her time to remove her jewellery before he’d just loosened her clothes and taken her. Such hurt between them, so many regrets that his hands stilled on her shoulders. She looked at him again, the smile dying as she saw the expression on his face. There was such pain that her tender heart couldn’t take it; she put a hand to his cheek and said “aap woh nahin hain jo tab the, hain na”
Their eyes met again as he brought his hand up to cover hers, turning his face to lay a kiss in her palm. He stood again, shrugging out of the kurta he was wearing; she stared wide eyed as he stood there in only a silk pajama. Her admiring expression made him feel like a giant, like superman. He grinned, then said “aise hi dekh ne ke liye fees deni padti hai”
Pammi blushed, embrassed to have been caught ogling him; as she looked down, he cupped her face again tilting it towards him “sharma mat Pammi. Meri voti hai, tera haq hai”
He drew her up from the bed to stand in his arms “choone ka bhi haq hai” he said, as he lifted her hands to lie over his heart; she could feel the rapid pounding under her fingers. Leaving her hands trapped between them, he leaned forward and awkwardly removed her jhumke; he’d never removed a woman’s jewellery before, so the inevitable happened and she jumped as pain shot through her ear lobe.
Looking at his clumsy fingers holding the earring he’d removed, his face took on its habitual expression of anger, but her hands were caught between them; she couldn’t do anything more than say “hota hai Ji, koi aisi baat nahin hai” before he bent and kissed the lobe that he had hurt. She wasn’t used to the feel of him kissing her anywhere, let alone her ear so she couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her as he caught her earlobe between gentle lips and laved it with his tongue. When he let go and asked “dard kam hua” she couldn’t do more than nod dazedly.
Aware that his control could only hold so long, Tej removed her other earring, trying not to hurt her this time, then unhooked her necklace and drew it away. He deposited the pieces on the bed side table then turned back to her, trying to work out how to remove her qameez; it was so closely moulded to her that there was no way it just lifted away like his.
Turning, she saw him looking at her; it took her a moment to work out why he was just standing there; when she did, she blushed. Taking a breath, she realised now was as good a time as any to start to stand up for herself; she said “main karleti hoon Ji” and put her hands to the zip that ran the length of the back of her qameez.
As she drew the zip down, he stepped closer, intrigued by the expanse of skin that was slowly being uncovered. When her hands reached the bottom of the zip, he stepped forward and moved the heavy weight of her hair to lie over her shoulder. At the same time he drew her back into his arms; they both gasped as her naked skin came in contact with his hard chest. His hands came to her shoulders and stroked the qameez away; after it fell down her arms and past her chudiyaan, it lay in a pool on the floor at her feet.
She gasped again as she stood bare for the first time in front of him; there was not even a bra to cover her as the qameez hadn’t required one. Instinctively, her hands crossed over her chest; his arms copied the action and drew her even closer to him.
They stood there, her back to his front, as he bent his head to the curve of her ear; as his tondue licked the delicate shell, his fingers caressed her hands, then gently started moving them so that he could access the soft skin below.
Tej was drowning in pleasure; no experience in his life had ever been as amazing as this and so far they were both still half-clothed. He wondered if he would survive the night as her hands finally fell away and he could feel what she had been hiding; soft round breasts that fit his hands perfectly. The stood there for a few moments, as his hands caressed her and her breathing grew faster.
When he felt dampness of her skin against his, he lifted his head and drew a breath, then turned her to face him. He bent and kissed her, holding her close and revelling in the feel of her soft body against him. Her response was hesitating at first, but she was soon started to kiss him back- her body instinctively angling itself so as to feel pleasure.
Tej’s hands smoothed down her back to stop at the curve of her hips; after a moment he stepped back and put his hands to waist of his pajama. Pushing his pajama’s away, he noted that she had copied him and he was reminded of the fact that he had slept with her many times before; she knew the mechanics involved though the feelings now were so much more important.
Pammi looked up and caught him watching her; she blushed, wondering whether she should have waited for him to undress her, then lifted her head and looked straight at him. Over the past five years, he had rarely bothered to do more than half-undress her, but this time was different. She wanted to feel the roughness of his legs as he moved in her, wanted to feel what it was like when she wanted not just tolerated.
A moment later, they both stood there with only two small pieces of cloth covering them. He looked at her, his eyes roaming her body with abandon, learning all the curves and hollows he hadn’t bothered to pay attention to before. She tried to copy him but after a moment, her natural shyness reared its head, leaving her standing there with her eyes closed as she displayed herself to him.
He stepped closer, worried for a moment that he’d made her uncomfortable; that was the last thing he wanted to do today. He wrapped him arms around her and drew her close offering her comfort, but a moment later when he felt her arms come round him and hold him close, all thought was burned away by the feel of her fingers stroking over the intriguing hollows she’d seen when he had turned away from her.
Her fingers lingered there for a moment, the gentle caresses making him arch towards her, leaving in no doubt of the strength of his desire. Though years of experience had given her some idea of what lay ahead, tonight he felt more potent than she had ever felt him before and a frisson of fear travelled through her.
He felt the quiver, though he didn’t realise what caused it. Driven half mad with wanting, he bent forward and set his lips to hers, his mouth ravaging hers as he tried to pull her into him. They stood for a moment, no thought left between them, only pure sensation, till he lifted her up so that he didn’t have to bend to kiss her.
The feel of being in his arms, her feet left with nothing but air beneath them, woke an ache low in her belly, a feeling of emptiness. His arm was a band of steel below her buttocks, his other hand cradling her head to stop it being forced back by the force of his kiss. She brought her arms around to hold on to his shoulders.
A moment later, he turned and placed her on the bed next to them; without disengaging his lips, he smoothed away her pants and stroked his fingers up the outside of her leg, before bending again so that the weight of his chest rested on hers.
When the kiss threatened to deprive them both of oxygen, he broke away, then rested his forehead on hers. “Pammi,” he whispered “main tujhe kabhi phir dukh nahin pahunchaoonga, sirf khushiyaan hi khushiyaan doonga”
As he spoke, he shifted so that his body lay against the length of hers; then his hand came down to stroke the curve of her buttock as he bent to kiss her again. It was only when her legs began to soften, when they fell apart slightly to allow his thigh to rest between them that he shifted them both so that he lay on top of her, allowing his weight to press her further into the bed. Her hands came up to his shoulders, holding him close; her fingers threaded through the fine hair at the nape of his neck in way that sent sensation down the length of his spine. Caught off guard, his control broke as his pelvis arched even closer to her; their lips broke apart as they both gasped.
He stopped moving; needing to see her eyes as he took her, needing to see that she wanted this as much as he did. For a moment she didn’t move, her eyes closed as she absorbed the sensation of his hard body pressing along the length of hers, the powerful bulk of his thigh between her legs making her crave something more.
Eventually his stillness broke through the miasma of need; her eyes opened and looked straight into his, so close was his face to hers. She could feel him staring into her heart, perhaps even into her soul; whatever it was that he saw there made the tension in his shoulders lessen.
He bent his lips to hers again, but this time the kiss was featherlight, teasing almost, as his hand stroked round between her legs. He could feel the heat pouring off her as he checked that she was ready; for one second, he thought about how different things felt today, how much he had deprived them both of over the years.
Inwardly he shook himself; then as the feel of her heat lured him closer, he deepened the kiss and came fully over her; as he sank into the depths of her body a tear dropped from her closed eyes. Horrified, he stopped; guilt threatened to unman him as he asked “Pammi, tujhe dard hua”
She smiled as she shook her head, then opened tear-drenched eyes to look straight into his eyes “yeh aansoo khushi ke hain Ji, sirf khushi ke”
She leaned up to lay a kiss on his lips; after a moment he took control of the kiss, pushing her back into the bed as he continued to push into her body. Heated moments passed as he kept kissing her, the movement of his tongue mimicking the deeper more powerful movements of his body.
As the pleasure began to pool low down in his pelvis, he could feel her straining towards something, the feel of her mouth between his almost frantic with need. Wishing he could help her but not quite sure how to ensure her pleasure, he smoothed a hand round and encouraged her leg up to wrap around his hips. As she brought both legs up to cradle him, he tilted her towards him, then planted his hand in the bed to give extra leverage to his thrusts.
Within a few moments, her gasps had turned to whimpers, her hands smoothing down his back to rest over the curve of his butt, pulling him even harder into her. For the first time in his life, he held back his own pleasure; it was only when he felt her pleasure crest, felt her reach a peak of tension before it started to drain away that he drove hard to his own release.
Pammi lay below the heavy weight of her husband’s body, his muscles finally slack as he relaxed from the pleasure. In the past, this was the moment when he pulled away then left the room, leaving her to pull herself together alone.
Tonight, his lips caressed her face, leaving gentle kisses over her eyes, the curve of her jaw, her neck, even the curve of her ears. When their hearts eventually slowed to a normal rate, he looked down at her and as she smiled up at him, smiled back.
Sliding off her, he lay to one side then drew her over him; as she resisted for a moment he said “tujhe ab to mere se sharam nahin aasakti Pammi, ab jab mein tere itna qareeb aagaya hoon”, then pulled her to lay over his chest.
His hand continued to stroke up and down her back as her hand lay over his heart; after a moment, he turned and lay a kiss on her forehead.
“Pammi” he started, then stopped, not quite sure what to say.
She smiled against his skin, having learnt in five years that he only really comfortable using words in anger, not in love.
“Pammi, tu theek hai na”
She smiled again, then raised herself up, her silky hair damp as it lay over his arm
“Ji, main bilkul theek hoon ji. Ab aap mere saath ho to main hamesha hi theek rahoongi Ji”
As their eyes met and held, he nodded, acknowledging how much things had changed between them. She lay back down and he held her close.
For the first time (though not the last), they slept in each others’ arms.