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Fanfic ideas I had that went nowhere

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What: A Tales of the Abyss AU with Fire Emblem Fates characters starring M!Corrin and Azura with Xander as Van "Master Badtouch" Grants

Why: Mainly due to my describing Azama as "this Jade-looking/sounding motherfucker" along with the facts that:

- Azura and Tear have more or less the same powers and weapons; Lost in Thoughts All Alone serves a really similar purpose to the Grand Fonic Hymn

- Corrin kind of IS a replica of Robin (just somewhat less of a blank slate) by nature of being a white haired My Unit on a 3DS FE game

- The End of All renditions somehow remind me of Finish the Promise, the very first video game song I heard of when I first heard them; Lost in the Waves reminded me of A Place in the Sun by that same token

Everything else is a matter of my own preference (Peri being Legretta, Sakura as Natalia, and Hana being the fabulous master swordswoman in place of Guy, etc.), but the core of the AU is basically an Azurrin Tales of the Abyss AU with Jade Azama being the trolling colonel-scientist

 

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What: The obligatory comedy-drama High School AU, this one just kicking off with twins F!Kana and M!Kana's first day of high school.

Why: It's cliched, yes, but I don't think it's inherently beneath me and I don't neglect the second-gen characters purposefully. It just went nowhere because I can't weave the concepts/ideas into an actual story. Concepts like:

- Shigure wanting to make sure his little sister and brother don't get into too much trouble but is obsessed with occupied by his college stuff and being head of the drama club and trying to whip his slacker members into shape before the spring production.

- Their cousin Shiro being a freewheeling senior jock (what else?!) and frequent fuckup whose actions frustrate his police commissioner dad. His mom either doesn't get too bent out of shape because she expects/is relieved he's not up to worse or is generally amused by the relatively harmless stuff until he crosses a line like trying to buy weed off of Aunt Setsuna, at which point she'll come down on him like a ton of bricks.

(I don't mind him with Kagero, but I'm really only on the I-will-go-down-with-this-ship level for Ryoma with Camilla or Scarlet; hence the respective in-character reactions)

- Kiragi being an unusually-cheerful-about-possible-catastrophe survivalist-in-training; broken some of his mom Oboro's equipment more than once trying to make his own camo/canvas/etc.

- While treated by Shiro as a friendly rival, Siegbert is the all-Nohrian, straight-A, master of extracurricular activities perfectionist with a perpetual (figurative) stick up his bum. Almost always polite and helpful, but thanks to his mom's unintentional influence, blows off steam by getting a biiiiit more enjoyment out of things like slasher films, first-person shooters, any war-related media, and his kendo matches with Shiro than he'll admit to.

- Forrest as Shigure's right-hand man trying to juggle being the lead costume designer and trying (to varying degrees of success) keep order in his boss' absence

- Ophelia carrying the drama club naturally; Soleil (some kind of athlete or another) only joined because she couldn't come up with a decent excuse to hit on her

- Asugi as Shiro's best friend who suggested he and Dwyer try to buy the good shit off his Aunt Setsuna; something which, after Saizo took a swing at him and spent the next hour chewing him out, his mom either gives him chores of Mr. Miyagi-like precision for months (Kagero) on end as punishment or actively loses it even worse than her husband when she finds out (Charlotte) to the point where the neighbors notice the crack in her facade.

- Dwyer being naturally the slacker who wants nothing more than to be done with all the BS he has to deal with; is sharper than even this dad the guidance counselor gives him credit for, convincing Jakob that he, Shiro and Asugi were actually trying to buy a rare tea off Setsuna.

- Nina being the editor torn between keeping the school paper a semi-serious thing (which nobody reads except Siegbert) and turning it into a glorified gossip rag; guess which one she picks? "Suffers" from not-infrequent attacks of "Stupid Sexy Soleil" and "Stupid Sexy Ophelia."

- Caledori of course, being much like her dad, but her perfectionism is actually effortless.

- Percy being a freshman who makes it his life's mission to protect others (especially other freshmen) from being picked on, but actually has his mom's superhuman strength to back it up.

 

 

And as for the first-gen characters:

- Ryoma is a police commissioner, as mentioned already; his father was whacked by the mob

- Xander is in waste management in the same sense as Tony Soprano, an underboss in his father's organization; seems to vacillate being aware on some level of the truth to genuinely believing he's in waste management, despite once witnessing his wife bludgeon a "rat" to death with her favorite baseball bat a'la Harley Quinn

- Both Corrin and Ryoma putting his Aunt Sakura up to keeping an eye on the Kanas and Shiro; nurse who generally only asks questions about Shiro's injuries if they're bad enough

- Shiro's Aunt Hana as the PE teacher with roughly the same task given by Ryoma as her longtime girlfriend Sakura; has heard what they say about female PE teachers a million times and is sick of hearing it

- Niles, exactly like in canon, is the sleazy guy with the white unmarked van you go to when you need something, er-, taken care of without a lot of questions asked and don't want to be (directly) in debt to the mob. Will literally be the Old Man from Starbomb's It's Dangerous to Go Alone in twenty-five years, soliciting handjobs from the young people with musical numbers, much to Nina's embarrassment.

- Unlike her daughter Caledori, Severa/Selena being really listless and cynical apart from things that aren't her dommes "BFFs" Camilla and Lucina

- Inigo/Laslow being the tryhard single dad who's had his daughter as his wingwoman on a number of occasions to predictable results

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What: Being a promising, but untested homicide investigator, rookie investigator Maya Fey is given the task of tracking down the country's most depraved, terrifying serial killer in decades, but to do so, she'll need the help of a killer just as terrifying.

Why: This one honestly wasn't fleshed out that well, Apart from being utter trash for this type of Feycest  but I'm genuinely surprised something along these line's hasn't been done; Dahlia as Hannibal Lecter, I mean. Then again, maybe my mind's ear just heard her real voice differently than most people, but I can legitimately see her giving one of those speeches to Clarice!Maya, some combination of malice, obsession, and lust dripping from select syllables.

Also, since I didn't develop it that well, I probably just want to see who would be telling their victims to put the lotion on the skin before they get the hose again, too.

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What: After meeting the beautiful, enigmatic Azura and knocking out a too-handsy bar patron, a young layabout named Corrin wakes up the next morning in an even-sleazier motel room than the one in which he resides, smelling strongly of sex, sweat, and (a complete and utter lack of) shame, a recording from the mystery woman informing him that he's accidentally taken out Number 12 in an international league of assassins, thereby taking his place. Furthermore, in order to survive, he must ascend the ranks of the league and defeat the assassins...

Why: I was half-asleep and pretty sleep deprived when I came up with this, so it's probably not even going to be that amusing: I remember someone once compared Peri to Bad Girl and the thought of Xander's majestic, dignified voice complaining to Peri about how uncomfortable the gimp suit is becoming made me have to literally stop myself from laughing out loud, which spiraled into this...thing.

Well, why exactly did I find this so goddamned funny? Basically, since Corrin is Corrin, (in addition to the little things like being completely oblivious as to why Hana is running a gym almost-exclusively frequented by lesbians and why Sakura helps her to do so) despite being an assassin and having his life supposedly depending on it, he's bad at his job. Really bad. How bad? Bad enough that (almost) none of his targets actually die, such as:

- Almost getting owned by a certain schoolgirl who just wants Alm-senpai to notice her (since she's Shinobu in this atrocity, doesn't really count)

- Jaffar literally being dragged away by the ear during their battle by an outraged Nino, berating him on what a horrible example he's setting for their boys by going back to his old job

- Peri being all "fuck this shit" for whatever reason and storming off, hence leaving Xander in the basement of the baseball stadium in a...compromising position

In fact, only two of his targets actually die in the course of their battle; Number 11, Jagen (since he's old and British-sounding) through a fluke and Number 3 (through enlisting some other Fates characters in a botched kidnapping) by accidentally shooting him in the face...repeatedly...with a shotgun. Should be followed by complaints about how Corrin ruined his/her car and a visit to a guy berating Corrin/his associates about how his garage doesn't have a "dead asshole storage" sign affixed to it.

 

Finally, the final boss being Corrin's long-lost twin brother M!Robin, was technically Azura's fiance. Was, being the operative term and he's not happy with his bro: At M!Robin outragedly shouting "cucked by my own brother!" at Corrin before their battle, I just fucking lost it. Once again, I was sleep-deprived, so make of that what you will.

 

 

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What: Literally Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep with Phoenix as Aqua, Mia as Terra, and Maya as Ven

Why: Once again, this is me being completely unable to let go of an in-joke, since I already saw Maya as being a reeeeally similar character to Ven playing a really similar role in the overall story, along with her surrogate parental figures not having that big an age gap along with:

- Dahlia being her abusive creator's sociopathic enforcer with comparatively poor impulse control, otherworldly powers, hatred for pretty much everybody and everything and a negative sense of personal space towards Maya; kept trying (and failing) to kill Phoenix, to say nothing of their last "battle" under the exact same circumstances.

- Morgan being basically a sexy not-creepy-looking Master Xehanort without the supernatural powers; murders Mia/Maya's master mother

This fell through quite obviously, because the timeline and character references would have been an absolute impossible nightmare to keep, see a certain nun literally being Namine already to Phoenix's Sora or Riku's Edgeworth's creepy, equally-rapey-as-this-guy German daddy being a seeker of darkness perfection.

 

If you are masochistic enough to try, you have a lot of free reign, but keep in mind that I'm utter Teraqua (you can't convince me that Nick didn't want him some Mia) trash, but this would only manifest as:

- Them being Maya's surrogate parents basically

- During their penultimate battle, Morgan (more like MILFgan, am I right? Just me?) sending Dahlia to finish off Phoenix and taunting Mia about how she slept with him, because I'm pretty sure he just had a thing for Feys in general.

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What: Related to the concept in "Chapter" 2, 21 Jump Street AU starring Siegbert and Shiro. Directly inspired by a (now-sadly removed) Youtube shitpost and an affectionate parody of the (apparent) age discrepancies between the second-gen characters.

 

Why: This is one I was reeeeeeallly close to actually seeing realized because, after I got past the "haha funny!" from the shitpost in question, I got to thinking that these two...kinda ARE Schmidt and Jenko anyway. Just didn't have the energy to follow through with it and weave the concepts into stories. Concepts like:

- Corrin, of course, swearing like a sailor due in no small part to his new proteges

- Siegbert getting to caught up in the role he's playing for the sting, up to and including joining the drama club to impress Ophelia

- Orochi thirsting over Shiro as one of his teachers

- Their tripping on HFS and having assorted FE/Nintendo-related hallucinations, especially when Iago interrogates them over not being in class

- Or Peri ranting after their illicit party "You think I don't know that's gratuitous ultraviolence?! I know all about gratuitous ultraviolence!"

- Iago making off with the drug money and Ophelia as his hostage before getting shot in the dick for his trouble after Siegbert's one-liner before getting arrested (couldn't happen to a nicer guy, huh?)

- Or by the film's climax, Shiro finally getting rudimentary chemistry and gives Hans and his one-percenters a preview of the rest of their afterlife

Or by the second "movie"

- Siggy getting jealous of Shiro's new bro (and suspected drug dealer) Priam because they have so much in common and their resulting "open investigation" and couple's therapy couple's therapy

- Kana being a fan of Siggy's, to say the least, but her dad and big brother Shigure...not so much.

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What: Eleven-year old Danielle has always known she was kind of...unusual, a fact she accepts readily. A lifelong love of chemistry was not exactly common for girls her age, after all. Hell, her family was legendary for their destructive weirdness. But all the (mis) guidance in the world from her well-meaning, but overbearing and controlling mother, her hapless father, her thrill-seeking, delinquent big brother Jaime and the rest of her dysfunctional family can ever prepare her for the minefield of puberty.

Why: Oh, why do any of these things fall through with me? Lack of commitment/inability to flesh out the concepts into a story. Anyway, this is playing off the concept that Lois quite naturally, wanted at least one girl and that the fic/series has said girl (chose Danielle because it just sounded right, but feel free to change it) essentially taking Malcolm's place in the narrative structure. Like Malcolm, she's extremely intelligent, but UNlike Malcolm, she's humble, friendly, and down-to-earth. Just too clever for her own good a lot of the time. In addition to things (that you know are going to happen with these freaks) like:

- Lois getting the impression that she can be somewhat less-harsh on Danielle due to decades of battling with her sons, only to come down even harder on her when she sees her daughter repeating her own mistakes or even coming close to doing so.

- Hal becoming increasingly, ridiculously conscious of his own mortality since becoming a grandad; even more of a living midlife crisis basically. To the point where he even develops a second personality, sometimes disappearing for weeks or months on end from the state to become a meth kingpin in New Mexico.

- Jaime semi-consciously emulating his oldest brother in becoming a hell-raiser locked in constant combat with Lois, in no small part due to the how boring things have become without his brothers, since he idealizes a time of which he has a vague, if any memory. Dewey and Reese being the respective angel and devil on his shoulders, he's naturally, extremely protective of Danielle.

- Since Malcolm is...well, Malcolm, despite his undeniable intelligence and skills, his abrasiveness and hubris trip him up constantly. To the point where his spouse only manages to keep him (mostly) out of trouble by outright manipulation.

- Francis and Piama tripping over themselves not to emulate their own dysfunctional upbringings with their own kids, of course, making plenty of mistakes in the process.