It has been one hundred and twenty-seven years since I became a demon.
At least that's what I think.
For many years I counted how many hours and how many minutes it had been since I was last human, but as years stretched on and on, I lost count of how many hours it has been since I was anything other than a monster.
Despite no longer needing sleep, it seems to be the only thing I do these days.
I sleep all night and until the late hours of noon most days, any free time is spent working or staring at a wall.
After all, what else is there to do?
Watch more boring, cliche movies?
Read another mystery novel with the same ending as all of the others?
Make mortal friends that will eventually die anyways?
Watch Sebastian glare at me every time I'm in his line of vision?
No, none of those things sound even remotely appealing.
All of those things are pointless, at least sleeping helps me forget just how many decades have passed with me being completely alone.
I stopped considering Sebastian as company after the first twenty-four years of nothing but silence from him.
Not that I care; loneliness, love, longing, sadness, they're all human emotions.
A creature such as myself couldn't possibly feel those things.
I'm simply tired.
I have seen every country in the world in every stage of both construction and ruin, and now there is nothing left to be seen other than a few new stores and cafes.
I have traveled through hell many times as well, though it lacked the flames and heat I had always heard of.
It isn't exactly pleasant, but it isn't the worst place I have been.
In hell it is always night and the moon is the colour of blood, the ground is a mix of red and brown dirt, with only a few dead-looking flowers and plants scattered throughout the underworld.
Contrary to what many believe, it's actually colder than it is hot.
Many fights break out in the pub in one of the smaller towns, mostly dominant natured demons fighting over a submissive natured one, or drunk friends daring each other to win in a duel between them.
I find it all to be quite dumb and prefer to stay in the mortal world.
At least there's a change of scenery every once in a while here, and I don't have to keep leaving to get souls.
The thing I hate most about my new life.
I can no longer live off of the cakes and tea I used to enjoy more than anything else, now I have to eat souls if I want to live, which at this point I'm not sure if I want to or not.
I will never understand how anyone could enjoy devouring a soul.
It's a messy job even getting one, especially without a contract (I still refuse to make a contract), and leaves me feeling even more hollow after consuming one.
Regret at taking another's life, something I should be passed after so many years.
Someone who could have a chance to do something I never can; make friends, get married, have children, grow old.
It's not that I care about things like that anyways or the people, it's just the thought that they might have done more than I ever could and I took that chance away from them.
The possibility of finding happiness, something I can never have.
I should be glad that their joy is as unreachable as mine, but I can't bring myself to think that way.
The one person I care about can't stand to even look at me, much less speak to me.
I was left with nothing after the first time my eyes flashed red.
Anyone I ever even considered a friend was left behind along with the remaining members of my family, even my memories are fading more and more as the days pass.
I can't help but feel empty.
A feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Sebastian told me that demons don't feel anything other than rage and lust.
So why does it feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest every time the raven haired man ignores me?
Perhaps I'm like a broken mirror, one side longs to be close to him again, while the other side wants to be as far away from him as possible.
"Master, weren't you supposed to be at work half an hour ago?" said man quirked an eyebrow at me over the couch, where I had started to doze off again.
After all these years, he still calls me master...
I looked at the clock, seeing that I was indeed already thirty minutes late.
"I'll call in sick today."
"You called in sick yesterday." he gave me a look.
"Humans stay sick for more than one day." I rolled my eyes.
"You're not human."
"As far as they know I am." I laid back down and pulled my royal blue blanket up to my chin, burying my head into the (uncomfortable) decorative pillow on the couch.
The worn blanket had to be at least twenty years old now, but it brought me comfort.
Comfort that no one had tried to offer me in over one hundred years.
I haven't been touched in any way since I was thirteen.
I found it irritating in every way possible when I was human, but after so many years I miss it.
I can barely remember what it feels like to have someone's arms wrapped around me, or someone's lips on my forehead, or to be carried in strong but gentle arms.
I let out a quiet sigh, allowing my eyes fall shut.
Sebastian groaned, "Do you plan to do anything other than sleep for the rest of eternity?"
He huffed and left the room, his bedroom door closing behind him.
"S'not like you care anyways." I whispered, before sleep took over my senses once again.
And for the first time in over eighty years, I dreamed.
Darkness, darkness was everywhere.
His hands were touching something as cold as ice.
The air reeked of sweat and blood, the only source of warmth drifted from the middle of the room, barely reaching the rough concrete where he lied awake, shivering harshly.
Hardly any light reached the space where he was, but he couldn't figure out why.
His body trembled from the cold and the pain that throbbed throughout every bone and muscle in his body.
He reached into the shadows, jumping back when he felt it.
Why did the black substance feel like cloth?
Suddenly the cloth disappeared and light suddenly appeared all around him.
He blinked, temporarily blinded by the it.
But when his eyes adjusted to the light, he wished the darkness would have stayed.
Bars. He was in a cage again.
"No, no, no. This can't be happening. I'm not here anymore, Sebastian got me out. I'm free." he rambled, eyes widening as he took it all in.
Two more cages sat on either side of the one he sat in, a young boy and girl sat huddled close to each other in the corner beside him.
The sides of the altar in the middle of the room where still covered in dried blood, the stench of it carried all around the room, and he could now see that the warmth was coming from the candles surrounding it.
"Sebastian." he mumbled, looking around him in search of his demon.
'He must be here. He can't just leave me here, that would be against the contract.
Unless... He found a way to break it.'
"Sebastian! This is an order, get me out of this cage!"
"Why are you screaming little lamb? No one can hear you here." a masked man grinned evilly, sliding open the cage's door with a loud screeching of the metal.
His wrist was gripped tightly and he was dragged out of the cage.
He clawed at the concrete below him, trying his hardest to grip onto anything to stop himself from being pulled any closer to the middle of the room.
"No!" more hands grabbed at him, pinning him against the ground, and holding his arms and legs as the first man roughly laid him on the altar.
His wrists and ankles were tied by scratchy ropes, digging into his limbs every time he moved
"Sebastian, please. Please get me out of here!" he cried, letting out a pained yelp as a knife carved a shape into his right shoulder and the man with the knife chanted something in Latin.
"Please, please, please. Help me Sebastian! Please! This is an order!" he whimpered, pulling against his restraints in vain.
The man above him grinned down at him and suddenly the knife was lifted above his stomach.
Only seconds later it was inches from being plunged into his stomach and he shut his eyes tightly,"SEBASTIAN!"
I jolted forward when something shook my body roughly, my eyes meeting someone else's as soon as they opened.
I flinched back, shoving against the arms that rested on my shoulders.
I stumbled to my feet quickly, falling against the arm chair behind me in my haste to get away.
I tried to take in a breath, but no air would travel to my lungs.
Why can't I breathe?
"It's okay, you're okay." a man's voice spoke, I could see his silhouette in front of me, but through my blurry vision and muddled mind I couldn't make out who it was.
His hands took mine gently, I weakly pushed away, dropping to my knees on the ground,"D-don't touch me."
I breathed in harsh pants, my, now clawed, fingers dug into the carpet.
"Ciel, look at me." my chin was forced up so I was face to face with the man before me.
"Just breathe. It's only me." the longer I stared, the more familiar and less blurry the face became.
The familiar shade of crimson eyes are what finally made me realize who it was, "Sebastian?"
He nodded, "I'm here."
"I can't, can't breathe." I wheezed, my eyes watering at the fear still pulsing through me.
The cage, am I still there?
I looked around the room, but there were no cages.
No altar, no children, no masked men.
Just me and Sebastian.
In the manor?
No, the apartment.
"You're having a panic attack. Try to copy my breathing, alright?" he gently took my right hand and pressed it against his chest, slowing his breathing.
I tried to match mine with the rise and fall of his chest, but only managed a few choked breaths.
"I can't. I can't do it, I-"
"Hey, shh. You're doing good, it takes some time. Just keep doing it, I promise it'll help. I've never lied to you have I?"
I shook my head.
I tried again, continuing it for longer this time and true to his word, it worked after a few minutes.
"Better?" he asked after my breathing was completely back I normal.
"Do you want any tea?" he brushed a strand of hair out of my face.
I considered it for a moment, almost saying yes before shaking my head.
I don't need to bother him anymore than I already have...
He eyed me for a second and then leaned down to pick me up, setting me on the couch slowly, "I'll be right back."
I heard him opening a cabinet in the bathroom, but I was too tired to listen any closer to see what he was doing.
I roughly rubbed at the skin around my eyes when I felt them burn.
I won't cry, I refuse to cry.
When Sebastian returned he picked me up without a word and carried me to the bathroom, silently sliding my sweatpants off and pulling my sweater over my head.
I knew I might regret it in the morning, when he goes back to being cold and uncaring, but I laid my head against his shoulder.
I closed my eyes, basking in the comfort of being in his arms again.
I could feel the steady beat of his heart and the warmth of his breath.
It was a position that used to be so familiar.
I had forgotten how nice it felt to be held so closely.
The raven haired man smiled at me and slowly set me in the bath where it was already filled to chest level with warm water.
"I'll leave your towel right here." he set the towel by the sink.
But when he was about to leave I acted on impulse and grabbed his wrist, "No! Please don't leave me."
He stared at me in shock and fear sparked inside me.
What if he leaves me alone?
What if he never comes back?
"Stop overthinking so much." he mumbled, sitting down on the floor beside the bath.
He brushed his hand through my hair and pulled me closer to him, kissing me softly on the forehead.
"Sebastian." I whispered, mouth slightly agape.
I opened my mouth to say something, but instead a quiet sob came out.
I quickly covered my face and turned my head away from him.
Why couldn't this have happened when I was alone?
No matter how hard I tried, my tears refused to subside.
After all these years of him not speaking to me, and now he's touching me gently and kissing my forehead?
Like none of those things ever happened all those years ago, like I mean something to him.
And I can't keep all of my feelings inside anymore.
I saw him move out of the corner of my eye and it didn't take long before he sat, naked, in front of me in the bath, pulling me against his chest protectively.
He led my face towards his and wiped away my tears softly despite those that continued to fall.
I pressed my face against his shoulder and bit my lip to quiet the sobs escaping them, accidentally making it bleed when my, still extended, fangs dug into it.
"Don't do that, you're going to hurt yourself." he pulled my lip from under my teeth and wiped the blood away with the towel hanging off of the counter before letting my head rest between his neck and shoulder again.
He looked down at me sadly, eyes filled with regret as he brushed his hand over my back, "I'm so sorry for all I've done to you."
"I've ignored you for over a century, wallowing in self pity like a child over something I should have never blamed you for.
Nothing that happened that day was your fault and I should have seen what I was doing to you so much sooner."
"S'alright." I mumbled between muffled cries.
"No, it's not. And I know that I can never change what I did, but please let me make this right. I'll do anything, all you need to do is tell me." he whispered, a few tears of his own falling onto my hair.
I wrapped my arms around his waist, "Just stay with me. Please."
He kissed the top of my head, "I will. Always."
"Can you do one more thing for me?" I whispered.
"Don't call me master anymore. I don't want to be your master, I don't want you to serve me, I want to be your equal."
He stared at me in shock for a few seconds before smiling and leaning closer to my face, his warm breath ghosting over the tip of my nose.
He looked at my lips and then to my eyes, silently asking permission to do what I've longed for him to do for years.
I felt a small smile stretch across my face and I closed my eyes, nuzzling my nose against his lightly as I moved to press my lips against his slowly.
His eyes fell shut and he moved his hand to cup my cheek gently, his left hand wrapping around my waist when he kissed back, while mine moved to tangle in the soft, ebony hair at the back of his head gently.
He pulled away seconds later and rested his forehead against mine, staring into my eyes fondly, "Yes, my love."