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My Journal for Posterity

(I will stake trespassers with a runsible spoon and leave them to kiss daylight and if that doesn't work a flame thrower. have a nice day)


My name is Katherine or Kay, for short. You don't need to bother asking about my last name, I don't have one. Not having a last name doesn't bother me; I just use Jones, Smith, or Jackson, whatever is convenient. You're probably asking yourself how someone can go through life without a last name. Actually, it's a lot simpler than you would think. For legal purposes, I do have proper identification, which changes from city to city. I live a simple but by some standards, dangerous life. Of course, if the average person witnessed what I have, I think they'd be in a small padded cell eating pudding through a straw. There are things in this world that are terrifying and ugly, which would beg the question, should I be in a small padded room? I think not. I'm part of the darkness and it's a part of me. I was born that way.

I was born years ago, as most people are. Some would guess that I'm 30 years old or younger. The funny thing is I'm a lot older than that, but I'm not telling you the real number. I like to remain a little mysterious.

My mother was a fighter, a slayer, or rather a potential slayer, and my father was her Watcher. Now, the slayer is one girl who destiny chooses as a fighter, trained to battle the darkness and evil of this world, such as vampires, demons and the like. A Watcher is the one who trains and teaches the slayer about these beings she fights. Don't ask me why. But, these two people conceived me. Nine months into my mother's pregnancy, my father went missing for a week or more, when he returned he had changed, in the literal sense, a group of vampires had turned him and then he returned for my mother. By this time, the Watcher's Council knew what had happened from the pregnancy to my father's disappearance, but they were too late to stop him from killing and turning my mother. My father was waiting for her to rise when the watcher's and the slayers arrived. My parents were promptly staked but only after my removal from the womb. From then on, I was a child of the Watcher's Council. What they didn’t know is that the vampire blood had changed me on a molecular level. I had the strengths of a vampire; speed, agility, hearing, strength and what some would say are weaknesses, blood lust and an extreme sensitivity to the sun. I wouldn't combust in the light but I burned much faster and my eyes hardly tolerated the sun. However, I also had the soul of a human and the warmth of the living.

While I was still very young, I awoke once to an awful pain. Something deep inside of me was terribly wrong and I knew it, but couldn't explain it, so I screamed and cried. Nothing could make me stop in the beginning. After an examination, they determined that I needed blood. I was a hybrid of vampire and human. The council didn’t want me craving human blood so they experimented with various types, pig, dog, rat, rabbit, monkey, snake, if it had blood they tried it. Nothing worked. Then they tried vampire blood. As soon as my small body recognized the new sustenance, the pain stopped. I don’t know how they did it but the supply of vampire blood never stopped, unless I was disobedient. Everything had changed. I was under constant surveillance and I started to keep vampire hours. Sleeping during the day, study at night or at least playing. I was a child after all. I was the council's dog, well fed, well trained and obedient. Sit girl, Good Girl. I had no name, no identity except for the letter, K.

One evening my keeper took me for a walk in the park. I walked ahead of her and slipped around the corner to play some game that only a child could invent. That's when it happened. A group of vampires sprang on my guardian. The fighting and the wet sounds of crushing flesh and bone sent me running as fast as I could. I found a tree with a small hole in the base of the trunk and this is where I hid. I crawled inside and waited for the noise to stop. Of course, now that sounds ridiculous because it wouldn't have mattered if I was standing in the middle of a clearing or sitting in a sealed cave, if the vampires had wanted me badly enough they could have had me. I stayed in that hole for god knows how long and finally all was quiet. The sound of crickets and the trees moving in the wind was all I heard. I came down from my spot and just as I backed out, I saw him, or rather his feet. I looked up and like a scared rabbit, tried to climb back into my hole. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back to him. I was too scared to scream. He pulled me into his arms and started to talk to me. I was finally able to get a good look at him, and my fear melted away. I knew that I was safe with him. He talked softly to me and tried to get me to tell him my name, but all I could do was shrug my shoulders. He looked in the direction of my guardian's body and then told me that I could stay with him. After a few days, I learned that his name was Angel, a vampire, my new guardian.

Angel bought me toys, read me stories, and taught me how to read. He would ask me questions but I didn't know how to answer him, so I said nothing. Did he know what I was? Did he have my red "medicine"? The council never told me what I was taking only that it would make me feel better. I always feared that Angel would send me away if he found out that I was sick. But I couldn't hide it for long. The pain came and I woke in the late evening, (I was a later sleeper) screaming in agony. Angel rushed in and tried to console me, thinking I had a nightmare. I finally told him that I didn't feel good. Angel was obviously not used to children but he tried. He asked the usual barrage of questions of where, what, how. It took him several hours but he finally came to the couch, where I was laying down and crying. He handed me a glass of "medicine". I drank the glass' contents and the pain stopped. Years later, I asked Angel how he knew what to do, but he never answered. From then on, it was easy, Angel found that I could go weeks without feeding and it took very small amounts to appease my appetite. Any other time I ate regular food.

Angel became more than a guardian to me. He became "Da". It would have been "Daddy" but he detested that name. He in turn gave me a name, Katherine or Kay, for short, but he most often called my Katy. I told him what the watchers called me and he just took it from there. He tried to make life as normal for me as possible but I was a sequestered from everything. I never left our home without him. He taught me all the basics needed to function like an intelligent human being. Angel was my world but he never taught me about myself. I didn't understand what I was or what the drink was that he gave me. I certainly didn't know how to fight or even defend myself. I was a perpetual child who looked and talked like an adult. I think someone once called it, naiveté.

I stayed with Angel for years and then one day, he was gone. No word, no good-bye, not even a letter. I was in my late teens, or at least I looked that way. He left only an envelope with money and the word food scrawled across the front. I was terrified for the first time in years. He was gone. Da had left me. I didn't know how to live without him. That night I cried as if he had died. It was the kind of sound that only a broken heart could make. I don't know how long I sat there. It was the sound of my stomach growling that finally broke me out of my grief. Angel hadn't left any of the drink for me, so I took the money, tucked it in the toe of my shoe and enough in my pocket for a small meal. For the first time since Angel had taken me into his arms, I was alone and had to face the world.

It was already dark when I left our home and I was edgy. Every time there was the slightest hint of movement from a shadow, I would jump and spin around like an out of balance ballerina. I was so turned around that I was lost. I couldn't find a diner or my way back home. I became upset, leaned against the wall, and began to cry, again. I was about to get into a good sob when I heard her voice.

"She can't find her way. Poor lamb. I can help you find home. Would you like that?"

I lifted my head and looked at this woman. Beautiful, stunning actually, with long black hair and high cheeks, but looking at me like an animal looks at his food. I tried to level my voice so that I wouldn't give away how scared I was. "No thank you. I can find my way." I turned to walk away when I ran headlong into a man. He looked down at me with his blue eyes and I was lost for a moment, until I heard him speak. "What'd you find Dru, luv?"

The dark haired woman came closer and I backed away from the man. The woman looked at me intently and addressed him. "I found a lamb and she doesn't wan' to play. Can you hear' her heart, it beats like little drums in the rain."

My back was against the wall and they had me cornered. The man and woman were so close now that I could see clearly that they had changed and that they were not human. The male grabbed me by the throat and squeezed just enough so that I couldn't scream. The female came in closer to bite and that's when pure survival instinct kicked in. I thrashed about and felt invigorated by it. The fight to survive. Thrown back a bit the woman and man lost their grip for a moment. But, the man only squeezed harder when I didn't get away. He leaned in to make the kill and I lashed out again but this time with my face. He moved back and chuckled until he looked hard at my face.

"Bloody Hell!" They both stared and I stared back. The woman finally spoke.

"You're a very naughty girl. Naughty vampire. Trying to bite us. We only want to play."

Vampire? I had no idea what they were talking about. I'd read about vampires but had never seen one myself. My eyes darted back to the man who was staring at me with his eyebrows knitted tightly together. His grip had loosened and I found my voice.

"Let go of me!"

He focused his full attention onto me. "Not fucking likely. Dru, Luv, get me a stake." New fear rose up. Stake?

"What do you need a stake for? I'm not a vampire."

"Then what' the bloody hell are you?"

"I'm human."

"Keep telling' yourself that."

"Would a vampire have a heartbeat?" The heartbeat I had just noticed a few moments before when it felt as if it was going to beat out of my chest. The man thought for a moment and then let go of my neck.

"No, but humans don't have fangs."

"I don't have fangs!" I said insistently. Then I began to check my teeth and damned if he wasn't right, I had fangs. It was news to me; I never needed them or wanted them. I was in my mind, as corny as this sound, a normal girl. I continued to examine my face with my hands and found that I had less pronounced vampire features than that of the two people in front of me. Less bumps, if any at all that were noticeable and the fangs were smaller. The dark haired woman, Dru, put her arms around the man.

"Can we keep her? I'll take good care of her."

"She's not a puppy Dru. You can't keep a girl as a pet, a snack, but not a pet."

I was amazed that they would even talk like this about me, while I was standing right there. If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn't have been surprised at all. Of course, I was still shocked to find out that I was a vampire, or at least looked like one. I was very confused and didn't dare move for fear of reality crumbling completely. Dru continued to pout about keeping me and she rambled on, making less sense to me with each word. Maybe it was the accent or that my world was still warped? Finally, with a sigh and toss of his arms indicating that Dru had won the argument, I was taken away from that alley and shoved into the front seat of a black Desoto. Now I knew I was in hell. I had just allowed myself to be kidnapped by two very who could kill me at anytime. I soon learned that the man's name was Spike. When the car came to a stop, Dru led me to their "home." It was a two-story apartment, whose previous owner had met an untimely end.

Dru treated me like a child, or was that a doll, I could never tell, but she doted on me. She would take me hunting with her and Spike. I would stand quietly and watch. I didn't know whether to be horrified or intrigued. They were taking a life, and I should have been sickened, but I couldn't stop myself from watching. Wondering what it was like to have that kind of control over another.

The pain started to come again weeks later, but this time I wasn't in the safety of my bed with Angel nearby and I didn't know what to do. Drusilla had pretty much lost interest in me but Spike never killed me or told me to leave. The worst of the pain hit while I was on the hunt with Dru and Spike. Dru had gone ahead and left me with Spike in a park. Spike was smoking a cigarette and I was looking up at the constellations. Spike threw down his smoke and started to walk away and I followed. After taking a few steps, it felt as if someone had cut a hole in my stomach with a grapefruit spoon. I doubled over onto my hands and knees. Another wave of pain hit and I was in the fetal position. Spike knelt down beside me slowly and asked me a question never before asked.

"Have you fed?" Fed? What in hell was that supposed to mean? I was in pain. Spike pulled out another cigarette and lit it. He inhaled a lung full of smoke and then let it out. "Let me explain something' pet. You are a vampire or something' like it, I'm betting' you have to feed, on blood, and that you haven't done that. Guessing that's why you're on the ground."

The pain subsided and for the first time it struck me. The glasses of red liquid I had been drinking all these years. It was blood! Spike helped me to a bench and said, "Stay here. I'll catch you a bite, you're in no condition to wrestle a human down."

A few minutes later Spike returned with an intoxicated boy. Not even old enough to drink. He wasn't bad looking for someone who was wearing polyester. Spike shoved him at me. I caught him and found that he felt as light as a small child. I looked at this person in my arms and back at Spike and back at the boy. As I moved so did my victim, his head rolled to the side exposing his neck. I became transfixed with the spot were the Carotid Artery lay. I could smell the blood and hear this human's heartbeat. It was horrifying but thrilling. Instinct kicked in and before I knew it, I was at the boy's throat, tearing open the veins and drinking down every ounce his body would give. I sank to the ground with him and stayed there for an eternity as his life slipped away. The next thing I knew, Spike had me by the shoulders and tearing me away from my prey. The pain was gone and I felt like flying.