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White Queen ( English version )

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”Not the strongest will remain alive, nor the smartest, rather the most adaptable for changes.”

I could barely survive our splitting, even though it was not even a real relationship. I fell in love with Mr. Psycho commander, just like a stupid girl. It did not even matter to me that he was not fully human. I was disgusted by myself, since I turned away from my kind, I closed my eyes, enjoyed the kindness and the spotlight.

He never loved you…-told me the inner voice. He killed his own family and you would have been the next- continued the inner voice as I collapsed.

I am unstoppably crying and least interesed in who can se eme. I am waiting for the killers to come and do their job. Let it end.

I don’t remember how long I huddled up under the tree, but nor the silencers or the will of God reached me, but the shivering cold. I had to go on, so I was walking silently int he fresh snow. I could jsut stare in front of me and hit the road, without any idea about where to go. I only wanted to get away from the pain.

Human kind is so flexible. We survived so many disasters to let our feelings kill us.

My fosterers’ words occured to me, when she was in leaving, she said to me: ”Never let anyone too close to you. They will only use you and destroy you. Never trust humans.”

That was the last time I saw her, but her words still lingered around me. I never trusted anyone and I build walls around me. But there was one thing that nobody warned me about that there are some feelings, which we cannot control.

I spotted the sighs of a city or at least what is left of it, far away. I did not really wish to spend time there, unluckily it started to grow dark and I needed to get hold of some food. When I put self-pity away, I realized that I was in deep fear.

The city was extinct, but not empty. I am sure that some of them were there, They or my wildened relatives. Becaouse of the outcome, it does not matter who finishes me off.

I didn’t like my new insecure self. I have alwys been brave and self-dependent, since there was no one to take care of me. I couldn’t confess myself that I really missed conceniece and safety. Camp Haven was not a luxurious hotel, neither the following camp. A I adapted the new routine, I didn’treally care about the future.

I carried out my tasks and they let me live. If I want to be true, I had an assumption that they are not really who they claim thenmselves.

Soldiers, saviours, of course this is what they tell those who come from prison. Ont he other hand, I spent some years ont he institute and I learnt to shut my mouth and not to ’see’ thins. If you don’t make trouble, they won’t spot you. You assimilate.

And it really worked for some weeks.

How stupid are you Hailey Anne! I was very angy at myself and I was crawling between the buildings and it was only the edge of the city. I didn’t dare to approach it more than that, at least not at night. Having a dinner was hopeless, it occured to me, although y stomack roamed angrily, but I couldn’t bear the risk. My only hope was that I can findsome water somewhere. There was no electricity, nothing worked at all but the pipped could store some water.

I picked a flat randomly and I entered. I couched to the wall and I could barely take a brath. I constantly kept my eye at the end of the darker side of the corridor, then the stairs. Where would I go if I were Vosch?- I wondered. This was sheer stupidity again. Vosch would not even set a foot here, rahter he would bloew up the whole building. But I’m just a cocroack and cocroaches are hiding int he dark. Finally, I decided to head upstairs. I figured it out that in case I need to flee, I can use the fire escape.

I constantly crawled newt to the wall and I went motionless for the tiniest noise, the creeking sound of the floor made ma a statue.

I finally calmed down a bit, when I shut the door of a tiny apartment behind me. Of course, I took a great look around, buti t had been empty for long time. There were no corpses or blood stained furniture. The residents might have fled arway before the party really started.

Anyway, it was fit for me for the night. I could even find some bottles of water and some cans, which was far more than I had hoped for.I hid in the little corner of a room and bundled myself into two blankets, but I was shivering. I didn’t want to use th ebed, since I felt myself too vulnerable there.

If I can survive the night, I can give chance to myself for survival. I was terribly tired, but I couldn’t find solace. At first I coulnd’t figure out what the problem was- apart from the fact that I can only become a paschal lamb for anyone.

As the light was dieing out, my mind started to feel numb. But one thought didn’t let go off my mind. The wirst thing was not the fear or the feeling of being exposed to anyone’s cruelty, but the feeling of loneliness. Again.