A dull headache throbbed at Amanda's senses as the quiet lengthened between them and finally even Olivia's soft whimpers dwindled into nothing. The sound of the clock ticking in the hallways scraped against her ears like the hollow, dark omen of a time bomb.
At last, Olivia rose from the floor, moving slowly and haltingly as she pulled herself up against the counter. She wavered there for a moment, her eyes downcast before she turned and limped towards the hallway.
Amanda grabbed her forgotten beer from the counter as she heard the bathroom door close. The emptiness of the apartment rose up to engulf her and she choked down the knot in her throat with a gulp of alcohol.
Her entire body hummed insistently in the aftermath although the depravity of her actions was not lost on her. She could've thrown herself into a pit of sexual gratification. She could've done anything but this and Olivia would've followed her...but she'd she chosen to push her away once again.
Amanda lifted the cold bottle to her forehead, and relished the way it eased the throbbing of her muscles. Leaning against the counter, she focused on the icy feeling rather than the aching of her mind and heart.
Long minutes passed, and with each second, Amanda grew increasingly uncomfortable and apprehensive about what was happening inside the bathroom and what would happen once it opened.
Finally, she slammed the bottle down on the counter and marched towards the bathroom door. She charged up to the door, her breaths rushing heavily through clenched teeth as she raised her fist to knock, however, a seed of doubt kept her from acting immediately. She wavered at the door for half of minute, listening for any sign of Olivia's well being, but when it didn't come, she forced herself to rap her knuckles against the wooden barrier.
At first, silence greeted her.
“Liv?” She called out, her voice barely breaking past a whispery rasp.
“Liv?” Amanda repeated, louder, biting at her lips nervously.
There was another pause before Amanda was jarred by the door being pulled open. Olivia's body filled the three inch crack, one side of her face barely visible.
“What?” She asked, her voice trembling.
Guilt wrenched Amanda's gut immediately at the sight of her puffy eyes and reddened nose and brows. She'd hardly ever seen Olivia shed a tear aside from the weekend in New Jersey and at first she could barely speak.
Is this what you wanted? Her mind asked, sharply gouging her conscience. Isn't this what you dreamed about?
Amanda ducked her head, swallowing back tears. This wasn't the satisfying retribution she'd vividly fantasized but, of course, she already knew that. Had New Jersey so quickly fled her memory?
“I was just making sure you're okay.” She mumbled, knowing it was as hypocritical as it sounded.
“I'm not sure I should have expected any more than this.” Olivia returned, her voice thick from emotion.
“I expected more from you at one point too.” Amanda whispered.
The bathroom door opened another inch, revealing another slice of naked flesh.
Amanda kept her head down, staring at the length of Olivia's legs until she felt Olivia's fingers grasp her chin. She heaved a breath, trying not to cry as their eyes met.
“Fuck…” She whispered as their gazes locked.
Olivia's eyes were wide and soft, shimmering with tears and emotions deep enough to drown her. Whatever Olivia had been unable or unwilling to say all those months ago lay here in her eyes, and it was almost more than she could bear.
Instincts drove her forward, launching herself against Olivia's chest. Her hands grasped either side of her face, crashing their mouths together, trembling and desperate.
Olivia went rigid against her as if shocked. Her fingers dragged over her arms, her nails scraping into flesh.
Amanda pushed into the bathroom, panting heavily as she angled her mouth over Olivia's in order to slip her tongue between her teeth. Olivia moaned beneath the caress, her jaw going slack as Amanda laved her palate and sucked at her upper lip.
Her heart raced in her chest, the aching pieces of it limping desperately towards what light she knew could lie deep in their connection. If only for one night, she needed to engage in the thoughtless, passionate union they had flung themselves into six months ago. Memories of their single night in Olivia's bed riddled her mind, as if she'd opened the locked compartment of her brain where they were stored. Feelings she'd never felt another day in her life tore her through and through, forcing her to act.
She slid her arms about Olivia's waist as the other woman responded to her kisses, lapping back at her in quivering response. She pulled Olivia out of the bathroom, stumbling back towards the bedroom door.
Olivia surged against her, slamming her back against the wall as her fingers clenched down in her hair at the back of her head. The sound of their breathing clashed loudly between the half second pauses of their kisses.
Amanda grasped at Olivia's body, her fingers scraping over her back then down to her ass. She could hardly spare any gentility for the tender, beaten flesh and she elicited a sharp gasp from Olivia's lips as she pushed away from the wall.
Their trembling, writhing bodies stumbled back into the bedroom door and Amanda pinned her up against it as she reached for the doorknob. She could barely wrangle it open as Olivia's hand dragged down her neck to tear at the buttons of her shirt.
When the door finally opened, they fell inside and Amanda wrapped her arm tightly around Olivia's waist to steady them. She kicked the door shut behind her and walked them back towards the bed.
Olivia's legs hit the edge of the mattress and they tumbled to the sheets with Amanda on top. She grabbed Olivia's arms and dragged them above her head as she laid hot, wet kisses down her jaw to her neck. She bit at the already bruising flesh, her hips grinding down against Olivia's in desperate pantomime.
When Olivia was moaning and compliant beneath her, she sat back and dragged her shirt off over head, bypassing the tedious process of unbuttoning.
Olivia pushed up, her fingers grabbing at Amanda's pants. Her eyes were wide and dilated, sparkling with arousal rather than tears and Amanda couldn't stop the pleased warmth that washed over her at the look on her face.
When Olivia finally managed to get her pants open and over her hips, Amanda kicked them away from her along with her panties.
As soon as they were both naked, Amanda collapsed down over her again, her senses singing as their flesh came into contact. She aligned her chest with Olivia's and pressed her legs between her thighs as she lowered her mouth to Olivia's neck once more.
Olivia's fingers tangled in her hair, holding her close as she frantically laid kisses down her neck and collarbone, licking at every inch of naked flesh she could, as if to worship her and this moment before it was gone.
She urged her groin against Olivia's, moaning in pleasure as Olivia's body rocked beneath her and her legs bent and spread on either side of her.
Panting, Amanda slid down her body, her mouth leaving a harried, wet trail down between her breasts and her ribcage. Olivia's stomach quivered beneath her as she sank down further, her face nuzzling into the soft hair between her hips.
“Amanda…” Olivia panted softly, her fingers clenching down in Amanda's hair and the way that she said it raked shivers down her spine.
Amanda grasped her legs, pushing her thighs apart as she pressed her mouth to the warmest, softest part of her. Olivia surged against her and Amanda gripped her legs tighter as she took Olivia into her mouth in one long, slow suck.
Pleasure rattled her senses as her scent rose to greet her nose, causing her to salivate. She sucked off of her and pressed her tongue out, laying her open with one firm lick.
“Oh, god…” Olivia whimpered above her, her fingers gathering thicker sections of Amanda's hair and dragging her close.
Panting what breaths she could, Amanda dragged her tongue up her opening to her clit, finding the flesh already full and wanton. She adjusted her grip to Olivia's hips, pulling her taut against her mouth as she began to circle the engorged bud.
“Jesus...oh…” Olivia moaned, her hips canting up against her face with each movement.
Amanda could feel her shivering from head to toe and the visceral reactions only pushed her to pleasure her faster. She flattened her tongue to make wider circles, laving her across her entire pussy to heighten her pleasure.
“Amanda, oh, god...please…” Olivia's impassioned groans and pleas surged desire across her entire body. Her own pussy was clenching and throbbing with arousal, growing slicker and slicker with each passing moment.
She grasped at Olivia's hips, holding her as close as she could as Olivia began to twitch and buck beneath her with the intense sensations that Amanda worked on her sensitive flesh.
Olivia's wetness poured down Amanda's chin by the time she went rigid against her. Her hips thrashed in Amanda's grip, her body clenching and shivering as she went into orgasmic tremors.
Her cries rose wavering and wrought with pleasure as she came, blessing Amanda's ears with the sound of her climax; and she didn't stop pushing her towards the edge until she sank to the bed, trembling and spent.
Amanda sank back, her heart pounding in her chest from the combination of exertion and arousal. She gazed up Olivia's body, her heart quivering at the sight of her splayed out in the afterglow of orgasm.
She rose from between Olivia's knees and climbed onto the bed again over top of her.
Olivia's eyes cracked open as Amanda hovered over her, but Amanda could not dare to face whatever emotions lay bare in that amber gaze. Instead, she ducked her head to impart another kiss upon Olivia's full, parted lips.
Olivia responded immediately, dragging her close as their lips danced over each other's slowly and deeply for a long moment.
Amanda slid her hand down Olivia's side, stroking each passing rib before she veered down her stomach, searching for the warmth between her legs.
“Oh, god, what are you doing?” Olivia groaned against her lips.
Amanda couldn't conjure a response because the question was far too loaded, although she knew Olivia simply meant what she was doing physically in this moment. Rather, she dipped her fingers between Olivia's legs once more into the well of slick, hot juices.
Olivia gasped softly, her arms clenching around Amanda as she rubbed her fingers against her entrance where her wetness pooled the thickest. She shivered at the arousal it had taken to create the abundance of wetness there, her own body gushing in response.
She shifted lower, sitting back on heels and laying her head down against Olivia's stomach as she eased her fingers into the inviting wet sheath of her.
Olivia's fingers dragged over her back, her body clenching. She released a soft whimper as Amanda's fingers sank deep inside of her.
“Oh, god…” She vocalized once more as Amanda curled her fingers up against the swollen flesh inside her.
Amanda breathed heavily, pressing her lips to Olivia's soft stomach and closing her eyes as she began to drag her fingers in and out. The sound of Olivia's wetness against her penetrating digits worked hot arousal through her, spurring her to slam her fingers in harder and faster.
Olivia's hips arched and her body tensed as Amanda's fingers rhythmically pumped into her, driving up against the sweet, tender places inside her. Amanda could feel her muscles clenching and squeezing about her fingers, straining to take the pleasure without bursting and she laid her thumb down against Olivia's clit. Her thumb dragged over the tender flesh with each thrust, rubbing her even more quickly towards completion.
“Ahh…..” Olivia gasped, her hips rearing up as the pleasure multiplied.
She went slowly stiff against Amanda, her fingers dragging over her back and her head as the pleasure encroached upon her.
Amanda quickened her pace, fucking her fingers into her faster and faster until Olivia rose up with a sharp cry. Her hips convulsed and her thighs strained to squeeze together but Amanda held her down, delivering the final thrusts that pushed her into complete abandon.
Amanda lifted her head just to see the climax drag her features tight. Her eyes rolled back, her lashes fluttering as her mouth stretched open to release another series of trembling curses and cries. She didn't let her fingers relent until Olivia was sinking to the bed, panting heavily.
She laid her head back down, gently extracting her fingers from Olivia's quivering body. She rubbed her cheek against Olivia's soft flesh, and breathed her scent, focusing on every small detail in order to not look up.
After a few minutes of silence, however, Olivia tugged her at her shoulder. Amanda sighed out and ducked her head lower against Olivia's stomach. She didn't have the willpower to face what would happen after this and if she thought she saw any hint of love or compassion in Olivia's eyes she thought she might break.
“Amanda…” Olivia's voice was soft and raw from the pleasure but holding far too many questions for Amanda to answer. Amanda felt her shift, pushing herself up on her elbows to ask, “Are you okay?”
The inevitable question hung in the air.
Amanda bit her lip, searching for the inner strength to raise herself up but returning empty handed.
“Amanda…” Olivia's fingers petted over her head, a far too kind gesture for someone who had been taken advantage of. Again.
Amanda pushed up from the bed and crushed herself against Olivia's chest. She buried her face in her neck and clung to her, trying to memorize every single moment, trying to immortalize the affection and love that Olivia was showing her.
“Don't look at me.” She whispered in Olivia's ear, her eyes stinging. “Don't talk to me...just touch me.”Olivia hesitated, as if shocked by her words, but finally her hand settled over her back, massaging gently down her sides.
“How do you want me to touch you?” She murmured, softly.
“I don't care.” Amanda returned, brokenly, “I just don't want to feel anything except you.”
Olivia's arms tightened around her and she heard her draw a breath before she pulled them both down on the bed. Amanda went lax in her arms as Olivia rolled them, pushing herself on top.
Amanda languished back against the bed, pressing her eyes closed against hot tears. Her chest ached to release the emotion as Olivia pressed down against her, her mouth seeking across her chest to find each nipple. She shuddered as the warmth of Olivia's mouth encased her tender flesh. Her lips left each breast rosy, moist, and aching as she moved down to her stomach.
She was being far too gentle and the tenderness laced in each movement and kiss drove Amanda nearly to the brink of emotion. She squeezed her eyes shut and locked her jaw as Olivia's head ducked down between her legs, her hair trailing softly down her stomach and thighs.
Amanda parted her quivering legs to Olivia and reached down blindly towards her. Olivia's hand met hers, tangling their fingers together tightly as her mouth settled down over Amanda's throbbing, aching sex.
The first few touches were soft and almost teasing but soon Olivia was grasping her thigh, spreading her legs apart to take her more fully in her mouth. Her fingers wrenched down hard on Olivia's as she began to suck and lick at her labia and clitoris.
A choked cry rose on her lips and she trembled against the sheets, her body and mind far too sensitive to quietly take the pleasure. She closed her mind off to whatever lay outside this room, focusing solely on the feeling of Olivia’s hand in hers and her mouth working beautiful, overwhelming pleasure upon her body because she wasn’t sure she’d be able to handle the consequences of this moment.
Beyond these four walls, lay an entire world of doubt and uncertainty.
Tomorrow or some day following, they’d walk into One Police Plaza and testify against each other, and perhaps even bring each other’s career to ruin.
The next morning, Olivia would quietly leave to return to her son and her own apartment, and maybe she’d never come back.
Maybe, Amanda was destroying herself all over again, but she couldn’t stop what felt like Fate pulling her down, washing her out to sea again and again. She couldn't stop responding to Olivia’s body as if it were some lost piece of her that she’d never known was missing. She couldn’t stop writhing in her embrace, accepting every single terrifying, intense emotion that spoke from those wide, dark eyes peering up at her.
“I said not to look me…” She gasped in a sob, turning her face away just a as jolt of pleasure shocked her into an arch. “God, just fuck me!” She cried, pulling desperately on Olivia’s hand.
“I want to make love to you.” Olivia’s low, raspy tone raked a shiver across her spine.
“No…” She whimpered, a tear spilling down her temple while another slipped over the bridge of her nose.
She cried out when Olivia’s mouth attached to her once more, licking and sucking in exquisite but tender pleasure. It was far from the intense, harsh and ravaging fuck she’d expected to be given or perhaps what she wanted. She didn’t deserve to be treated with such care and devotion, especially by Olivia, but she was a helpless mess of exposed nerve endings and raw emotion. Her body could only twitch and jerk languidly with every caress that Olivia laid upon her aching flesh.
Olivia nursed the pleasure inside of her to it’s peak agonizingly slow, eliciting pleas and moans from Amanda’s trembling lips. All the while, her fingers remained laced through her, holding on as if to reassure her that she wasn’t alone in this moment.
By the time the orgasm tore it’s way up through her groin and stomach, Amanda could no longer control the ragged sobs that clawed up her throat. She came, writhing and sobbing against the mattress, the pleasure devastating her from the inside out. Olivia’s mouth rode the bucking of her hips, her tongue circling her clit to the end.
When she collapsed, she found herself shaking, sobs wrenching from her lips as the pleasure receded, leaving her to throb wantonly in aftermath while her guilt and her pain rose to overshadow. For all the time that she had hated Olivia, perhaps she hated herself more.
The bed shifted as Olivia crawled up to her, her face etched with blatant concern. Her body covered Amanda’s, her arms wrapping around her and pulling her tight to her chest.
“No… don’t…” Amanda tried to push her away, choking over saliva and tears.
“Stop.” Olivia ordered, yanking her back. “You’re not going to lie here and pretend that you don’t need love like everyone else. Not anymore.”
The conviction in her voice rattled Amanda’s fiery self-loathing. She’d done so much to push Olivia away, to isolate herself from the possibility of never being hurt again, that it was hard to imagine Olivia wanted to pursue her now. Loving Amanda should be the last thing on her mind, but here she was, cradling her to her chest like a child with more care for an angry, hopeless person than herself.
The self sacrifice it had taken to bring them here finally crashed through the steel walls and barred up windows of Amanda’s soul, and she suddenly felt as if her entire being was imploding. The foundation that she had built her entire life around for the past six months cracked and split, shuddering beneath her as her anger finally gave way.
“Oh, god…. Forgive me.” She sobbed, burying her face in Olivia’s chest.
Her fingers grasped at Olivia’s back, desperately seeking purchase as she clawed her way as close to the warm, beaming beacon of Olivia’s heart as she could.
“Shh….” Olivia murmured, caressing her hair and laying soft kisses across her forehead.
“Fuck…” Amanda choked, her chest heaving. “You’ve got to forgive me….”
“You’re forgiven.” Olivia whispered, squeezing her tight.
The simplicity of it seemed too easy to be true, sending her mind reeling. This moment couldn’t be real. Olivia couldn’t be real.
Her soul felt blinded. The light was finally coming through the cracks to dawn upon her shivering, cold heart and the warmth of it was almost more than she could take; but with a final shudder, the walls she’d spent so many months building crumbled about her, leaving her naked and raw beneath the light of love; and maybe now she was ready to escape this self made prison of hatred and anger. She was a free woman.