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Having your baby

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Levi arched over the porcelain bowl for what felt like the hundredth time this week. She hadn't been able to keep anything but tea down and had felt weak in, given she was 34 her energy was somewhat lacking. But hell, she wasn't exactly a dead battery in general. But right now, she did feel like one, she could barely move.

Even at her age she shouldn't feel as bad as she did now. She had never felt so shitty in her entire life, not even when she got a fever or a common cold. This was a whole new area of sickness that she had never felt before and never cared to ever again. She wanted this over and now, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

She knew it couldn't be a bug, she was someone who took cleaning very seriously. She would never even allow herself to touch dirt unless it was necessary, any other time cringing at someone who didn't even follow basic hygiene. She even went as far as making sure the trainees were installed with the knowledge correctly too.

No, this was not a bug. She knew what those were like all too well from her childhood, they were not something she wasn't unaware of. There was no way in hell she had gotten herself a bug. But this had been going on for the past week or so and she hadn't felt like herself as of late, she felt herself getting weaker every day.

She had put on some weight around her stomach and waist, despite working out and still fighting titans. No matter how much she worked out or exercised the bump on her abdomen would not go away. In fact it was really staring to annoy her and all she wanted was for it to go away because people were staring to stare at her because of it.

She didn't have much appetite lately so it was impossible to blame it on the likes of her diet. Apart from tea and a small amount of bread, she had barely been able to keep anything down. Hell, she felt sick at the scent and sight of certain foods she used to love. Just breathing in the aroma made her want to blow chunks. But just what the hell could be wrong with her.

As she finished emptying her stomach completely, she wiped her mouth weakly with some toilet paper and slumped across at the wall pulling the chain to flush the toilet. She didn't have the energy to move. Luckily she was a person who kept their bathroom and quarters clean no matter what, not allowing herself to live in any sort of mess whatsoever.

She sat quietly in the toilet trying to regain what little energy she had left in her. Her body weak and feeling dizzy, I mean given how much she had been throwing up it was only natural. She was not only very dehydrated from throwing up but she now had nothing in her body. By this point she was puking tea and stomach acid, her stomach was empty due to lack of eating.

What could be causing this change in her body so severely. She had never seen or experienced anything like this in her life and it was honestly confusing and scaring the hell out of her. This sort of thing happened with only two things apart from an illness or bug, and those were your period or….

Her eyes widened and a haunting thought ran through Levi's mind. Why hadn't she thought of this before? Mainly because it sounded so ridiculous and she was always safe in that area. She and Hanji always used protection and made sure to check when it was safe. They never did it around that time and she always cleaned herself up really well afterwards.

But given the situation, everything that was wrong with her pointed in that direction despite her denying it. When did she last get her period? When did she last have her monthly visitor? Though she and every woman on the planet hated it with a passion, it was the monthly reminder that you were not carrying a child.

God, she didn't know, about… three months or so ago. Wait, oh shit this was serious. There was a very real possibility that she was carrying another human being inside of her body. If this was seriously happening, then she was in some real trouble here. But she had to remain calm, it had to be a bug, her period would just be late. There was no way in hell she was pregnant, right?

Someone like her? You had to be fucking kidding right? She couldn't possibly be a mother, what right did she have to bring a life into this world. Someone like her had no right of such a precious role. After the way she had been raised, she wasn't fit to be a mother. Not even by a long shot.

Levi sat quietly in her room her expression blank and her eyes wide. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak and she couldn't think. She didn't even see the doctor leave the room. She was barely aware of anything going on around her. Her mind was in a haze and she couldn't register any of the sounds or voices around her. It was all just white noise to her.

She had stopped listening or registering information the minute the confirmation had been made. Her mind and body just shut down and went straight to auto pilot. Anyone or anything would just be an alien to her. The lights were on but there was nobody behind the wheel, because they had jumped ship due to red alert going off.

It had been confirmed that she was indeed pregnant. She was carrying Hanji's baby inside of her and had been for a while now. I guess that they hadn't been careful enough for this to happen. In this day and age abortion was very risky to the mothers. They didn't have the medical advancement to carry out such a task and they couldn't risk losing her as a soldier.

So here she was, 3 months along with a baby. She still couldn't believe that this was real and not some really fucked up dream. She was so sure she would wake up any minute now to find this was all a figment of her imagination. That she had become so bored that she came up with a timeline like this to amuse herself.

She couldn't handle this, she couldn't. Her mind just could process all this information so suddenly. How could this happen? How had she let it happen? Why had she let herself get into this mess? Why had she ever slept with Hanji outside of marriage? If she had known this would happen she would have turned him down.

"Vi… evi… LEVI!" Erwin called firmly his expression worried. She looked really pale and shaken. The lack of food in her system wouldn't have helped but neither would the stress she was under. Right now, she had a baby inside of her. Whatever she did would affect the child too. He knew she was scared but she had to think of the baby inside of her and not just herself.

He would do what he could to help her and make sure she could still do her job aside from not going outside the walls anymore. But this would be hard on them, Levi was humanities strongest after all. Mikasa was the only other Ackerman but that wasn't enough, they needed their best right now and everyone needed to train harder now more than ever.

After the attacks with the female titan, the breaking of the walls and attacks from the rogue titans. They had suffered a lot of loss and damage and could not afford to lose anymore at the rate they were. But regardless they were still a team and he needed her to stay strong and try and remain calm despite all this.

Levi peered at him blankly, her steely grey eyes dead and filled with shock. Like looking into a mirror, staring at something you knew would never talk back. They were as wide as the saucers of the teacups she loved to drink from. She wasn't ok, she was still very shaken.

Erwin frowned, she needed to rest and stay calm. Panicking would not be the best thing to do right now. He knew this was hard to handle but she had to try and control herself. "Levi. Can you hear me?" he asked worriedly. She wasn't responding well at all which only meant the worst. Maybe he should have asked the doctor for some pills to help calm her.

Hell, if he could get some to help with the anaemia, vomiting and general panic then he would take it. Anything to make this easier for Levi to handle and calm her down. He was no expert but he was a leader and it was his job to look after his comrades, even in situations like this. He would help protect them and keep them at bay.

"Baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to be a mother. Me and Hanji are…" Levi trailed off mentally. She just couldn't handle this whole situation in her mind. She could still see her mother in her mind. How much she had sacrificed to raise her despite not being able to even care for herself in that poor business of theirs.

Her body slowly going from a healthy woman to a fucking corpse due to starvation, lack of sunlight, most likely STD's and illnesses. She could still see her face as she lay there on the bed. Slowly getting skinnier and sicker, all while she had been weak and helpless to do anything about it but watch it happen.

Kenny had trained her to fight and been as good a parent as he could. But he had been both neglected and abusive, almost killing her at some points due to her abilities. She had been 7 when she lost her mother, so young and barely living. Being raised in the slums and knowing nothing but hardships and filth all around her.

Her uncle had beaten her, neglected her and killed people for a living. He taught her to kill and fight from a young age. When she became too much he tried to kill her. When she managed to escape him, and fight back he abandoned her. Unable to control her or fight against her due to her Ackerman blood and natural skills. Leaving her alone in the world.

Now she herself was going to be a mother herself. She was going to become a parent despite having no experience with kids and barely being able to look after herself growing up. Was this karma? Was she really being cursed the same way her mum had with an unplanned pregnancy of all things?

Erwin sighed and decided to go get the doctor for some pills. He had to have some iron tablets and such to help raise her strength and help her calm herself. He hated seeing her like this. It would do no good to have her in that state. She needed to stay calm. He knew she was scared and confused, but right now she had to think of the baby inside of her.

He turned to her briefly before leaving the room "I'll be back soon Levi. I promise". He then left the room to allow Levi to think things over by herself. She needed time to take this in, but he worried about leaving her alone with this news. She was in an extremely fragile state after all.

Levi sat in silence before allowing herself to find her voice again "aby…I … I'm going to have a baby. Inside… there is a child inside me. Me … a parent…." she whispered hoarsely. She felt her stomach tighten her nerves kick in and a sickening feeling come over her. Her head felt like it was spinning and she couldn't breathe. What the fuck was wrong with her.

She then slid off the bed and fell to her knees before she could process it. Her head felt like it was reeling and she couldn't think properly. Her head was a mess right now. She had no experience in being a mother. Hell, she was 34, unmarried, in a relationship, a soldier and had a traumatic past and plenty of emotional and psychological scars.

She couldn't breathe, her eyes stung and she began to tremble violently. Eventually she opened her mouth and released a piercing scream that echoed through the room and down the hall. She screamed louder and louder, tears now spilling down her face like a waterfall. How was she pregnant? Why her? What did she do to deserve the right to be a mother?

Someone like her couldn't be a parent. How could she love and raise another human being after losing so many? Furlan, Isabel, her team. All of them, how could she do such a thing? She had no experience in having kids or raising them for that matter. What if the kid ended up like her, as fucked up and damaged as she was due to her being a mother.

What if they hated her? What if she ended up being like Kenny had been? She couldn't bare putting someone else through what he had been. She would rather risk aborting it than that. If she ended up being a shitty of a guardian as he had, she would never forgive herself for putting that child through such a thing.

She closed her eyes and let the tears fall onto the floor. Not caring about who heard or what she looked like. She was so scared, she didn't know what to do or how to process this information. It was all too much, it was all happening too fast. How did anyone ever prepare to be a parent and put up with all this?

It was so fucking scary that she didn't know what to do with herself. This had to be a dream. this had to be a fucking dream that she had made up in her head. She would wake up any second and things would be back to normal anytime. Then she would wake up and everything would be normal again.

Levi sat down by the window quietly her eyes red from crying and her face calm. There was a cup of tea nearby that Erwin had made, a fresh pot sat beside it and something sweet. Saying how she needed to regain her energy from her outburst and throwing up, hoping it would make her feel better again.

Her body felt heavy but she felt better for crying. She was now just sitting by a window contemplating on how she had a baby inside of her and how she would eventually give birth. She didn't feel happy, sad, angry or scared. She didn't feel anything, she had already had her surge of emotions earlier. She just wanted to sit here and watch the clouds roll by.

It's not like she had the strength to do anything else anyway. The shock and stress of what she had put herself through earlier had all but drained her of what little energy she had. She hummed in sarcastic amusement as she once again thought about her situation "A mother huh? Who would have thought" she laughed sarcastically. But life was strange like that huh?