Shinpachi wondered whether he should call an ambulance, seeing as Gintoki's face had become redder than a tomato. He looked short of crushing his phone to pieces. Shinpachi had advised him to block infuriating people on Facebook… which he did, but a certain one of them — namely Takasugi Shinsuke — kept creating new fake accounts in place of blocked ones for the sole purpose of uploading screenshots of his Onmyōji summons on Gintoki's timeline. One could not help but wonder how on Earth the one-eyed bastard got so many SSR — his most recent "catch of the day" was a 10-marathon in which he got eight SSR out of a total of ten shikigami he summoned. As if to add insult to injury, the description of the photo was "Throwing them out. Wanna buy that cool SR dude in the store" (At least he had never gotten the Lord of the Arakawa River, who was the one he wanted the most simply because he was voiced by the same voice actor as he was). In fact, Gintoki actually confronted Takasugi in person about it, and his response was, "Money, dear boy. Just put a couple of yen in there and the rates will go up to the sky." he then continued, "What's wrong Gintoki? Or is it that you're that poor?"
Gintoki promptly smashed his face to the ground after that.
"Well, he is stinking rich. Look at him, walking around in that fucking gilded kimono of his." Gintoki said to himself, blocking the fake account one more time, "He ain't no match for the dirt poor like us."
"Now, now, don't fret, Gin-san. I'm sure you'll have one eventually." said Shinpachi, "In fact, Kagura-chan has been whining to me all the time about the exact same problem." as if by coincidence, Kagura popped out from under the table and began drawing on Shinpachi's face with a black marker and then pointed her phone's camera at him. No, she wasn't doodling on his face to make fun of him; she drew the Real-world Summoning template and was about to summon shikigami there. Shinpachi was ready to give her a piece of his mind before her jaw nearly dropped to the floor and her eyes went wide.
"Oh sweet mama in Yokohama, I can't believe this." Kagura gasped like a fish out of water.
"What is it, Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi was suddenly concerned.
"Holy sh… I mean, holy poo, there's a guy with piss yellow hair and big black wings standing on Shinpachi's dull uninteresting face! He's so ugly, even a duck's butt is better than him. Wish I could trade him for sukonbu. Hey, Gin-chan? What's wrong, Gin-chan?"
He had already passed out, banging his face on the table.
"Damn it Elizabeth, move to the right! No, no, that's too much!" Katsura gave directions to Elizabeth, who was horizontally holding a sign bearing the Real-world Summoning template. He produced another sign in his other wing which said When are you going to summon already, Katsura-san? We've been out in this park since morning, and my wing hurts like hell. Katsura paid it no heed and turned to Gintoki sitting next to him on the bench and shouted in his face, "Not Zura, it's Katsura!"
"Do you really need to make him move when you can just, I dunno, move the camera?" Gintoki replied.
"That's because you have no idea. Strategically placing the template greatly affects the outcome of the summoning. That's why I'm doing it in the park today rather than at home like usual. Yeah, that's right… Steady, here I go…"
Yo! Yoroshiku na!
Katsura buried his face in his palm.
"Not again?!" he lamented, "That's the thirteenth R in one day! Even though I've tried this hard to find the best spot to place the template, among other things! I've even tried drawing all sorts of stupid shapes in the normal summoning too; it took me hours to get every curl of your shitty hair right!" Gintoki's eyelid twitched at that, "Kami-sama, don't I love my country enough? Why couldn't you just let me get my hands on an SSR for once?"
"What? Can you… say that again?" said Gintoki.
"That's right, I've never gotten an SSR. Neither do you, I assume?"
"… So what, Zura?"
Katsura didn't bother correcting the name being used and simply gave Gintoki the most cheerful smile he could, "But I still very much enjoy the game. You don't need fancy shikigami to have fun and be a powerful fighter. The key is to train them well and make them powerful, regardless of their rarity. Where was I? Oh, yes, let's summon another one. This is my last talisman, so it better be good this time. Hold it really steady Elizabeth, here I go again!"
Both he and Gintoki held their breaths.
They closed their eyes.
Wonder what kind of shikigami was it this time?
Katsura felt a slight vibration coming from his phone, and so he opened his eyes, knowing for sure that it was at least an SR this time. And it was…
Konna zako gotoki ni watashi ga aite o suru no ka, oroka na ningenme?
"It's… It's an SSR! And a new character too! Aww damn, did you see that?… Gintoki?"
Little did they know that you can buy a maximum of 10 Ryōmen-botoke fragments per week without having to pay real money. Scratch that. You absolutely cannot buy his fragments with real money. The only way to get them is to use Badges, which can only be earned by taking part in the Arena. A lot. But he's not exactly very powerful anyway, so…
Hijikata Toushirou was a loyal servant of the Tokugawa bakufu like the rest of the Shinsengumi, but there were times he wished he were a Jouishishi instead, because he desperately wanted to run those good-for-nothing governors through a meat grinder ten thousand times to hell and back, then burn them until not even ashes were left, and never give them a single drop of mayonnaise.
This was one of those times.
They had received an order from Matsudaira to camp out in the forest again (remember the beetle episode? Now take the stupidity of that episode and multiply it by a million, and you have Hijikata's opinion on this mission) because there happened to be this "wonder spot" in there that when a Real-world Summoning template is placed there, you were guaranteed to get an SSR. They weren't given a map or even a brief description of that place, but were only given three days to get the Shogun an SSR so that he had something to show off to the Amanto officials in a meeting. To top it all off, they had to commit suicide if they lost the template carpet (hand-dyed authentic silk), the Shogun's phone (Samsung Galaxy J7 Pro) or if they used up all 20 talismans without getting any SSRs or if they got more than one (if there were none, it would be shameful for the Shogun as well as the entirety of Japan, but if there were more than one, the Amanto would be pissed off because an Earthling was luckier than they were).
Taking on this shitty mission was shitty enough on its own, as two days had passed and the carpet had been experimented a few times only to get a bunch of Rs and exactly one SR (it was motherfucking Hangan of all people. Hijikata was still bitter about the fact that he (CV: Ishida Akira) was the superior of Kuromujō (CV: Nakai Kazuya) and Shiromujō (CV: Suzumura Ken'ichi). Hijikata had the feeling that the casting agency deliberately went with these choices to piss him off); now there were only five talismans left. Still not bad enough? On the morning of the last day, inside his tiny and stuffy tent, Hijikata cracked his eyes open only to find Okita straddling his waist in one of the most suggestive positions ever while pointing his phone's camera at his face. He was about to protest when Okita pressed the black marker he was holding to his lips to shush him, "Don't move. It's gonna disappear."
"The hell are you doing?" Hijikata deadpanned, "Isn't it enough that I barely got a wink of sleep last night because Yamazaki ran around the campsite throwing anpan all over the place screaming like hell to improve the summoning rate? He called it an "anpan onmyōdō ritual", whatever the fuck it is. Now do you really have to take photos of me with doodles on my face and in a compromising position? Don't make me kill you."
"Don't make me kill you." Okita said, eyes not leaving his phone, "Be still and maybe I'll spare you. I came across this advice on a forum that said summoning on a rival's face greatly improves the summoning rate. Don't worry, if it's an SR and above, I won't blast your head off right away; I'll let you have your last words before I execute you."
"You're gonna kill me off either way!"
"Sorry, didn't hear you." Okita ignored Hijikata's protest and glid his fingertip across the screen in a single drag-n-drop motion.
"Oh great, here comes the stupid chanting again." Hijikata whined.
Rin pyō tō sha kai jin retsu zai zen kyū kyū nyo ritsu ryō…
Sessha no karada yori kyojin na mono wa nai de gozaru.
Everyone else was startled by a sudden explosion coming from the Vice-chief's tent. Must be a Joui assassin having secretly put a time bomb in there, they thought. But then Hijikata came running for his dear life from his tent, Mount Fuji surrounded by a square on his cheek, while Okita chased him and fired yet another missile screaming "Die Katsura! And Hijikata!" and everybody shrugged and went about their business.
… Until Yamazaki popped out from nowhere, dressed in what could be described as the most stupid costume to ever exist: packages of anpan assembled in such a way to resemble a sokutai and a stack of anpan tied atop his head to look like a hat. That was not what pissed Hijikata off; it was that the idiot was holding both Sacred Items: the template carpet and Shogun's phone. Hijikata was about to give him a stern talking-to when he interrupted him, "You're talking to the greatest onmyōji of the Shinsengumi. Watch your mouth."
"The fuck are you saying?" Hijikata said.
He simply showed him the phone.
"What… the…" Hijikata and Okita's jaws dropped as they stared at the screen.
"Mission accomplished." Yamazaki smirked, "Turns out, the "wonder spot" in the forest is nowhere other than the buttocks of a Western Lowland Gorilla a.k.a. Chief Kondou. If only we knew this before! Now that I've accomplished our mission, does that mean I'll get a rewar…"
Hijikata and Okita both kicked him soaring through the air.
Slight TouKyu warning.
"Big Daddy!" Koshinori roared upon seeing an array of black objects strewn about the yard, "For the last time, what did I tell you about leaving garbage in the yard? That's it, I'm tossing all of these away now!"
A sword came shooting out of the sky and planted itself on the ground, barely inches away from his foot.
"Don't mess with the template!" Binbokusai called from above one of the roofs, having apparently thrown the sword. Turns out, the black objects weren't just a bunch of garbage haphazardly left on the yard; they were arranged into a gigantic Real-world Summoning template that could only be captured on camera in its entirety if one stood on the roof; this automatically meant any shikigami summoned using that template would be giant. "Move aside, or you'll be crushed by a huge demon!"
Koshinori had no time to react before Binbokusai performed a single drag-n-drop on the tablet he was holding. Seconds later, everyone in the Yagyuu mansion could hear an earth-shaking howl, "YEEEEEEAH! MY SON IS CRUSHED BY A GIANT IBARAKI-DŌJI!"
Again, Koshinori couldn't answer, because followed by that epic scream was, "A GIANT ŌTENGU!", "A GIANT SHUTEN-DŌJI!", "A GIANT ARAKAWA LORD!". Eventually Koshinori was pissed off and countered that with an even more epic scream.
"Damn, did you hear that? Sounds like a bird." asked Minamito, losing focus on his phone for a few seconds.
"Who cares, cock-face? I got more SSR than you now." Kitaooji smirked, showing the result of his 10-marathon — 5 SSR out of 10 — to his two friends.
"Look again. Now I have more than you." said Nishino smugly, having just earned one more SSR than Kitaooji did — 6 out of 10.
"Tch, you guys really are a bunch of noobs. The key isn't the number of SSR you've gotten, but the quality. Look who I got." Minamito turned his phone around to show his latest summon — Tamamo no Mae. "Pretty and strong at the same time! This one looks like the type of girl I like, but too bad she's a dude. She… I mean, he looks too girly for his own good and is even voiced by a lady, but he still manages to have a hot wife, unlike…"
Kyuube, sitting at a far corner of the room, heard everything but pretended they didn't. They were too deep in despair to care. "Why?" they said, staring at the crappy rarely-used R they received, "Is it that I am still not strong enough, so the Lady of Luck decides to hate on me? Everyone in the family including you servants have gotten SSR while I haven't in months! Just why?"
"I have the perfect solution." said Toujou, producing a frilly corset out of nowhere, "Just don this and you'll…"
He never finished the sentence because right then Kyuube punched his face.
"I'm serious, Toujou. Why?"
"No need to despair, young lord." Toujou tried to sound calm and reassuring while holding his nose, "Neither have I gotten any SSR ever since I started the game."
"Really? You haven't?"
"But they are called SSR for a reason. They are supposed to be very rare, so we can get that feeling of incredible satisfaction when we finally get one. However, rare does not mean unattainable, so you are definitely going to receive one someday. Take my word for it."
"… Thank you, Toujou." Kyuube smiled at him, but Toujou was already focusing on the game rather than on their words.
"Damn, it's time for the Arena! Ooh god, this one is hard. A whole bunch of powerful attackers! Gotta use Ichimokuren on them! I still need an attacker, so I guess I'll use Ōtengu. What's next now? Healer or mana-maker? Kachōfūgetsu or Kaguya-hime? Damn, I can't choose…"
Before he knew it, his face was buried into the floor while Kyuube stomped on his head, "You insolent LIAR!"
Chapter 4: In which things end well for Gintoki… sort of
Because any Gintama × Onmyōji jokes will eventually rely on the voice actor gags at one point or another.
"Why?! Why must my first SSR be him???"