Hijikata Toushirou was a loyal servant of the Tokugawa bakufu like the rest of the Shinsengumi, but there were times he wished he were a Jouishishi instead, because he desperately wanted to run those good-for-nothing governors through a meat grinder ten thousand times to hell and back, then burn them until not even ashes were left, and never give them a single drop of mayonnaise.
This was one of those times.
They had received an order from Matsudaira to camp out in the forest again (remember the beetle episode? Now take the stupidity of that episode and multiply it by a million, and you have Hijikata's opinion on this mission) because there happened to be this "wonder spot" in there that when a Real-world Summoning template is placed there, you were guaranteed to get an SSR. They weren't given a map or even a brief description of that place, but were only given three days to get the Shogun an SSR so that he had something to show off to the Amanto officials in a meeting. To top it all off, they had to commit suicide if they lost the template carpet (hand-dyed authentic silk), the Shogun's phone (Samsung Galaxy J7 Pro) or if they used up all 20 talismans without getting any SSRs or if they got more than one (if there were none, it would be shameful for the Shogun as well as the entirety of Japan, but if there were more than one, the Amanto would be pissed off because an Earthling was luckier than they were).
Taking on this shitty mission was shitty enough on its own, as two days had passed and the carpet had been experimented a few times only to get a bunch of Rs and exactly one SR (it was motherfucking Hangan of all people. Hijikata was still bitter about the fact that he (CV: Ishida Akira) was the superior of Kuromujō (CV: Nakai Kazuya) and Shiromujō (CV: Suzumura Ken'ichi). Hijikata had the feeling that the casting agency deliberately went with these choices to piss him off); now there were only five talismans left. Still not bad enough? On the morning of the last day, inside his tiny and stuffy tent, Hijikata cracked his eyes open only to find Okita straddling his waist in one of the most suggestive positions ever while pointing his phone's camera at his face. He was about to protest when Okita pressed the black marker he was holding to his lips to shush him, "Don't move. It's gonna disappear."
"The hell are you doing?" Hijikata deadpanned, "Isn't it enough that I barely got a wink of sleep last night because Yamazaki ran around the campsite throwing anpan all over the place screaming like hell to improve the summoning rate? He called it an "anpan onmyōdō ritual", whatever the fuck it is. Now do you really have to take photos of me with doodles on my face and in a compromising position? Don't make me kill you."
"Don't make me kill you." Okita said, eyes not leaving his phone, "Be still and maybe I'll spare you. I came across this advice on a forum that said summoning on a rival's face greatly improves the summoning rate. Don't worry, if it's an SR and above, I won't blast your head off right away; I'll let you have your last words before I execute you."
"You're gonna kill me off either way!"
"Sorry, didn't hear you." Okita ignored Hijikata's protest and glid his fingertip across the screen in a single drag-n-drop motion.
"Oh great, here comes the stupid chanting again." Hijikata whined.
Rin pyō tō sha kai jin retsu zai zen kyū kyū nyo ritsu ryō…
Sessha no karada yori kyojin na mono wa nai de gozaru.
Everyone else was startled by a sudden explosion coming from the Vice-chief's tent. Must be a Joui assassin having secretly put a time bomb in there, they thought. But then Hijikata came running for his dear life from his tent, Mount Fuji surrounded by a square on his cheek, while Okita chased him and fired yet another missile screaming "Die Katsura! And Hijikata!" and everybody shrugged and went about their business.
… Until Yamazaki popped out from nowhere, dressed in what could be described as the most stupid costume to ever exist: packages of anpan assembled in such a way to resemble a sokutai and a stack of anpan tied atop his head to look like a hat. That was not what pissed Hijikata off; it was that the idiot was holding both Sacred Items: the template carpet and Shogun's phone. Hijikata was about to give him a stern talking-to when he interrupted him, "You're talking to the greatest onmyōji of the Shinsengumi. Watch your mouth."
"The fuck are you saying?" Hijikata said.
He simply showed him the phone.
"What… the…" Hijikata and Okita's jaws dropped as they stared at the screen.
"Mission accomplished." Yamazaki smirked, "Turns out, the "wonder spot" in the forest is nowhere other than the buttocks of a Western Lowland Gorilla a.k.a. Chief Kondou. If only we knew this before! Now that I've accomplished our mission, does that mean I'll get a rewar…"
Hijikata and Okita both kicked him soaring through the air.