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Chapter 1: Minhyuk


Monday 17th, March | 6:35AM

He wasn’t going to fool anyone, it was his first day as private (which meant he could order around the recruits!) and he was really nervous. Cold sweat made his shirt stick to his back, but he needed to keep a blank face or the recruits could see through his feelings and know how to use him.

Service was savage, he knew. Minhyuk had been standing there ―just where they were now― five years ago. He has been the first of his class to go to service. It had been his dream since he was a small kid, and no one had dared to go against it. Not even his badass grandmother, the one who stuck a knife through a man’s hand when he tried to seduce her in a restaurant twenty years ago.

Minhyuk looked at the men standing in front of him. It was funny to see how some of them were older than he was, but he knew he had been an exception: first of his class, if it could be called that, and one of the youngest privates in the history of South Korea. A total record.

Minhyuk held his chin up high and frowned a bit to give the impression of seriousness. A smile tugged on his lips. He wasn’t like that, at all, but it was fun. He found it real fun to play this game of tough guy since, usually, he was a bubbly 5 year old kid.

Actually 23.

But still, mentally, a kid. And he wasn’t ashamed at all.

He gave his first step towards the men while going with excellent precision through what the sergeant major had told him to do and the recruits followed along. If there was one word that could describe the South Korean service it was ‘discipline’. No one went out of the line…. Usually. But he knew, compared to other military services (and let’s not talk about school or something like that), the South Korean one was one of the most disciplined in the world.

And being a new private that was a relief.

When the 7AM alarm sounded, the recruits saluted and went running to eat breakfast. He followed them calmly but wishing he could run too since he was starving.

Minhyuk decided to sit beside some of the recruits and heard over their conversation.

“Changkyunnie, don’t be nervous, it will be okay.” Said one of them.

“I know, hyung, but…” Answered the Changkyunnie one, and he had a voice so deep Minhyuk’s hand trembled.

“I know, I know. But it will be fun, at least we have each other, right?”

“Right” Said Changkyun, and once again his voice was graver than anything Minhyuk had ever heard.

Maybe that was what drove him to talk to them.

Maybe it was the other recruit’s eyes, that hadn’t left him since he sat.

“First day?”

Changkyun’s back went rigid when his eyes landed on Minhyuk’s insignia and he wasn’t able to speak.

“Yeah.” Said his ―presumably― friend with a cold tone.

Minhyuk smiled to try to encourage the new recruit but suddenly remembered he couldn’t be too friendly with them, at least not in public.

“It will be okay, soldier, but you need to be strong. After all, you can’t go away so better get over your grieving and start working hard.” He said, reciting what he had been told every time he felt down during his own service.

Changkyun gravely nodded his head, but it was the rage in his friend’s eyes what made Minhyuk’s stomach turn.

But he couldn’t take his eyes away from his.

And kept looking.

And looking.

“Is there something you need, captain?” asked the guy suddenly with an ironic tone.

Minhyuk cleared his throat.

“No, recruit. And I’m not a captain, I’m a privat-“

“Yeah, okay.” Answered the other.

“Are you being disrespectful, soldier?” Asked Minhyuk with something that resembled rage, but actually was admiration and lust.

“No, hyung.”

“How do you know I’m older than you?”

“I know.” He said mysteriously.

“What’s your name, soldier?” asked Minhyuk while licking his dry lips.

“I’m Lee Jooheon, captain.”

Jooheon’s stare was intense and Minhyuk got up quickly and moved out of the room before he got red and the soldier could make fun of him.

On his way out he collapsed with a hard and big man.

He saluted as soon as he saw who was in front of him.

“Good morning, sergeant.” He said saluted formally.

“Good morning, private. How is your first day going?” Asked the sergeant with a voice sweeter than honey.

Shownu had always been his favourite sergeant. When Minhyuk was in the service, Shownu had been his superior and he was a sweet and dorky guy that couldn’t even hurt a fly. He wasn’t very fond of words, but he was the one there whenever a soldier needed him and, honestly, he was the one that made Minhyuk’s service more tolerable.

“It’s going well so far. Thank you for asking, hyung.” Said Minhyuk with a big smile.

“I’m glad. I have to go, be prepared at 8AM to supervise your team, okay?” Said the older.

“I will. Thank you.” Minhyuk bowed and rushed to the bathrooms before the clock struck 8AM.




“Soldiers, attention!” shouted Minhyuk, and the soldiers stood in front of him with their hand above their eyes.

Minhyuk started to count them quickly and his heart stopped when he saw the kid with the deep voice and his friend standing in front of him.

Jooheon subtlety smiled, a smile that was only meant to be seen by Minhyuk.

And the private saw it. Oh. Yes. He saw it and his mind went to other places.

He didn’t swear. He hated to swear. But at that moment, with his imagination running places they didn’t have to run, they weren’t allowed to run, he had to.

“Fuck” he murmured, and Jooheon’s smile only grew.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: Wonho


Life in the service wasn’t that hard, actually. He was surprised at how other people had told him that it was tough stuff. He had met people and spent a great year and a half, which meant that he only had some months left.

And then…

He didn’t want to think about what would happen next. He didn’t want to think about her, and how things have been the day before he went to service. He didn’t want to think about meeting her, seeing her eyes, staring into her and thinking about him.

But he did. He always ended up thinking about it.

“Hyung.” Said Hyungwon with catched breath since they were running. “Don’t.”

Hyungwon knew. He knew Wonho better than anyone else, and Wonho loved him more than anyone else. But their relationship was difficult, to describe it simply.

Wonho shaked his head and tried to smile, but it looked so fake Hyungwon laughed.

“You always do the same, stop it.” He said giving the older a light shove with his shoulder.

Now Wonho was smiling sincerely, and an urge to kiss the younger rushed through him. Hyungwon eyes blazed with desire, but Wonho started running faster to get away from him.

If Wonho knew one thing it was that kissing another boy was penalized. Severely penalized.

He had been hiding his whole life, he was done with being closeted, but there was no other way of dealing with it in that stupid and conservative country. So he and Hyungwon did what they could.

They had met in the service. When Hyungwon entered, Wonho had been there for near one year already, so he took it as his job to show Hyungwon around and keep him company. A hell of a special company.

It wasn’t purely for altruistic reasons, no. Wonho had just broken up with his (then ex) boyfriend, so he needed the company. And he used Hyungwon. He had long ago apologized for it, but Hyungwon couldn’t hate Wonho. He told the older he didn’t use him, but instead both of them used each other. Wonho had a hard time believing him, believing anyone could ever want to use him for any reason, but he felt it was his duty to trust Hyungwon. So he tried.

They had been together, officially (as officially as they could, which meant that they decided to be exclusive), for 6 months now. And they knew they were the cutest couple in service.

Not that they knew about any other couple, but…

“What should we do this afternoon?” Hyungwon catched up to him.

“Hmmm…” Wonho made as if he was thinking hard, but the stare he threw Hyungwon told the younger one everything he wanted to know.

He moaned softly but not from lust, but anger.

“You make it sound so great but that’s only some time of the afternoon, hyung.” He said with a pout.

“We can make it las-“ Hyungwon’s hand went up to Wonho’s mouth so that the older couldn’t speak.

“Shut. Up.” He said with a low voice.

Wonho raised a brow and tried to send Hyungwon a signal about what he would do to him later, with detail, but the younger shook his head.

“No. We are going to watch a movie and then play some game, okay?”

Wonho moaned this time.

“Please?” Said the younger with a pout.

And he looked so cute he had to give in.



“I hate you.”

Wonho’s laugh blasted through the room.

“No! Don’t laugh! We always end up here, cleaning some fucking room.” Said Hyungwon with venom dripping from his words.

They had been punished this morning after the run because they were the last ones to arrive. It wasn’t something unusual. Wonho actually liked it and maybe, just maybe, he tried to distract Hyungwon every other day so that they could end up together the whole afternoon. Alone. Three whole hours.

Wonho knew what he wanted.

He approached Hyungwon when he wasn’t looking and put his arms around the younger’s waist. Hyungwon stopped breathing for a moment, and Wonho neared his mouth to Hyungwon’s ear, kissing it softly.

One of Hyungwon’s hands went to one of Wonho’s and pressed slightly, and the other one went to the older's hair. His fingers slithered through Wonho’s scalp, and he took a handful of hair and pushed the older towards him so that they were pressed together.

Wonho started kissing Hyungwon’s neck and then, suddenly, their tongues were together and they were kissing with passion. It was chaotic, but that’s how they liked it. Hyungwon tugged at Wonho’s shirt and he took it off so that the younger could kiss him everywhere he wanted.

Hands roamed everywhere, marks appeared on both men’s skin.

When Hyungwon was kneeling in front of Wonho, ready to take him all in his mouth, they heard the footsteps. The door to the room opened with fury and two men stepped into it.


Hyungwon used that moment to get up and far away from Wonho so they couldn’t get caught. Which, he thought, wasn’t really important since the other two were also kissing.

Wonho cleared his throat and the men parted quickly. One of them looked at the floor in a petrified stand, face flushed red, but the other met Wonho’s eyes with a death glare. His stare slided down his exposed torso full of marks.

And, suddenly, the glare shifted to a smug smirk.

“Well, hello there.”

Chapter Text


Chapter 3: Kihyun


Monday 17th, March | 8:40AM

I hated him.

Not like, hate hate, but I wanted to choke him because he was illegally beautiful.

Or maybe I wanted him to choke me and that’s why I was always so fucking angry at him. I’ve been lusting after him for a long ass time already, but I understood that only some weeks ago. I mean, I understood that I was thirsting after him. Before that, I only knew I hated him but with such a passion it wasn’t ordinary hate. No, it was something else I didn’t quite understand.

Until I figured out that maybe, just maybe, I felt attracted to him. To a man. It was a hard realization, but when I understood it the world became brighter and suddenly I was ten times hornier. Every day. Because of him.

Now he was talking with his boyfriend and I saw red. I hated his boyfriend, but I didn’t hate him like I hated Wonho. I was sure that if hell existed and I ruled in it, Hyungwon would be in the worst position. Worse than murderers, worse than rapists, worse than thieves. Well, maybe I was just exaggerating. But damn I hated that kid with his full mouth and his pretty eyes.

Why couldn’t I be like that? Why wasn’t I Wonho’s boyfriend?

Well, I didn’t want to be his boyfriend, I just wanted his dick for a day, or two, or three... But no attachments, just dick.

I always tried to keep a distance from him, but seeing how handsome he looked today it was hard to not even approach him to talk. Something I haven’t done. Ever. But I wanted to.

The private in charge of our little group suddenly went after Wonho and Hyungwon because they had been standing without moving for too long. ‘Too long’ being maybe half a minute, but life in service was like that.

I decided to move my small ass quicker so I could listen to their conversation.

And just like that, I had a plan.

It was an impulsive movement, but I was used to work like that.

If I could get Wonho, nothing else mattered.



“No.” He said, irritated.

“Please, you have to help me.” I pleaded.

“Why would I? What do I get from it?”

“Hmm… I can give you anything you want.” I promised.

He stood there, in silence, thinking deeply. I was kind of scared as to what he would ask from me, but I really needed him to help me.

“Okay.” He suddenly said.

“’Okay’ what?”

“I’ll help you.” He nodded.

“What do you want?” I asked, kind of scared at his sudden change of mood.

“I’ll tell you later.” He said with a playful smirk.

“No, no, no, no. Tell me now.” I was getting angrier at his I’m-so-mysterious attitude.

“Then it won’t be any fun, hyung.” He winked.

He dared to wink at me.

This was serious business and he was treating it so lightly I-

“Don’t get angry, hyung. It’s something easy.” He said softly, but his eyes shined with slyness.

I got scared at his face.

“Oh, no. I’m not fucking you if that i-“

He put a finger on my mouth and approached me.

“The world doesn’t revolve around your ass, hyung.” My face flushed red at his words.

“I-“ I tried to talk around his finger.

“No.” He pressed his finger (with more strenght) on my lips. “I’ll help you this time but only this time, which means no more.”

“Then what do you want?” I said, resentful.

“I’ll tell you later”. He winked at me and got out of the room while shouting “see you in 20 minutes, hyung”.



“I’m not sure about th-“ I tried to say, but his finger went for my lips. Again.

“Shut up. I am. It’ll work. He has always been like this, from what I’ve heard”, Jooheon told me with a smirk. “And I like the way you think, hyung.”

I really wasn’t sure about making Wonho jealous with Jooheon, but I also knew how Wonho worked, and I knew better than Jooheon (he had only been around here for some months, after all). When Hyungwon arrived, the boy screamed gay in all sign and verbal languages. Not really, but, you know, the gay alarm went off whenever he entered the room. I knew Wonho had just broken up with his boyfriend, so his eyes landed on Hyungwon… And moved on. He wasn’t interested. Until Hyungwon kissed another boy, Wonho caught them (for whatever reason, I didn’t let my mind wander through that), and started thirsting after Hyungwon.

He was easy to catch, so my plan was to do exactly that.

Hey, I didn’t want to break them up on purpose, I just wanted to get my piece of meat. After all, I’ve been after Wonho longer than Hyungwon has been here, so I deserve it. Right?

Jooheon clapped his hands in front of my face to wake me up from my thoughts. His eyes looked beautiful today, and his mouth begged me to kiss it.

“I didn’t know you were so good looking”. I told him.

He smirked and gave me a peck on the lips. “I didn’t know you were such a flirt, hyung.” He winked, again. That damn boy and his winks, thank the gods above I wasn’t in love with him. “But no feelings”. He said, nearly repeating my thoughts.

“I know”.

“But enjoy it”, he winked again, and went for my mouth.

He was a good kisser, one of the best I’d tried while being on service (he was the second boy I had kissed, but it counted), and I tried to let myself go and I least enjoy it, like he said.

Even though there was no feeling at all, my heart started racing and my dick seemed to enjoy Jooheon’s lips, for sure.

He pushed me against the door, opening it with force, and we entered the room where they were also kissing.

But I did like I hadn't seen it and kept kissing Jooheon, now with more (acted) passion and with my hands lost in his hair.

Wonho cleared his throat and we parted, acting like we were scared about them finding out.

But then I realized something.

He sounded angry.

His fucking throat clearing sounded angry.

And, at that moment, I knew I had lost him.

I looked at the floor, suddenly horrified at what I had done. Make him jealous, Kihyun? Really? He had a boyfriend, why couldn't you let them date in fucking peace, you egoistic shit?

I heard Jooheon’s voice talking but I didn’t care. I moved towards the door but someone grabbed my wrist.

And it didn’t feel like Jooheon’s warmth, but instead it was cold as ice.

“I know you”. He said, but I didn't dare to look at him.

And it was him. Talking to me.

I pushed my hand to get away from him and ran away.

“Hey!” Was the last thing I heard, but I didn’t care.

I was so fucking angry at myself.

Chapter Text


Chapter 4: Shownu


Monday 17th, March | 7PM

He opened the door slowly and trying not to make a single sound, but Kubi had a great hearing and already knew his owner had arrived home. Shownu was showered in wet and sloppy kisses and some bark here and there which he didn’t mind because he loved his dog to death.

He heard a sound coming from the kitchen and went there, where he found Dayeon talking on the phone with someone.

“No, I don’t want to see him”. She said, with venom in her words.

She suddenly turned and saw Shownu. The corners of her mouth moved slowly until there was an ear-to-ear smile on her face.

“I have to hang, Unnie. I’ll call you tomorrow”. She said, the venom completely gone at the sight of her boyfriend, and hung.

“Hello beautiful girl”. Shownu said, taking her into his arms.

Dayeon put her head on Shownu’s chest and inhaled his scent. It could be seen as something weird, since Shownu had been moving around all day and was sweaty, but she didn’t care. She liked his smell, but what she loved, and wanted to enjoy to the fullest, was seeing him.

They couldn’t see each other much even though they lived in the same house because they had completely different schedules. The only moment they could sit and talk was dinner on Mondays until 10PM. Which meant they had to enjoy that night before Dayeon went to work.

“How was your day?” She asked with her voice muffled since she still had her face pressed to Shownu’s chest.

He laughed and moved her away so that he could help with dinner.

“It was good”, he answered while spooning rice out of a pot “but I’m starving”.

“Isn’t that something usual in you?” She said, giggling.

He looked at her eyes and got lost in them.

He loved her. So much.

They had met some months ago when he went with his army friends to celebrate their upgrade to the sergeant position he still had. He saw her first, and got completely lost in her movements.

Dayeon was a stripper, something that Shownu had to accept ―it wasn’t easy― day after day. But he loved her so much, he didn’t mind. That much.

“How was yours?” He asked kissing her head and moving towards the fridge.

“Good. I’ve been studying all day”.

“You have to relax too, you know?” His eyes moved towards hers with pure concern on them.

“I know, oppa, don’t worry”.

He smiled at that word. Oppa. She didn’t use it that much since ―as she had told him― her ex-boyfriend loved that word and now it reminded her of him. He understood, but every time she called him oppa he felt fireworks in his heart.

Dayeon had a dark past of clubbing and drugs. Not that she was away from it now, since she still worked as a stripper and was seen fully naked by old men every night ―Shownu : don’t think about it, don’t, don’t, DON’T―, but at least she was clean from any drug and alcohol consumption.

He had helped with that, of course. And he resented her ex-boyfriend because he was the reason Dayeon had ended like that.

They were in love, but a love that you don’t wish for anyone. It was passionate, reckless, and immature. It was full of alcohol and sleepless nights, full of fucking and then not talking for weeks. It was full of broken promises, and then a broken heart. Because the only reason they broke up was that he went to service.

Oh, yes, Shownu wanted to know who it was, but Dayeon didn’t want to tell him.

Shownu was a good kid, he was a calm person and responsible enough to not make a step out of place, but Dayeon didn’t want to risk it. So it remained a secret.

A secret that ate Shownu alive every time he saw all the men at service. A secret that ate Shownu alive every time Dayeon had to go to work, because he thought she could be with another man.

No, no, no, don’t think that. He tried to tell himself that she wouldn’t do it.

But she had done it with him. When Shownu and Dayeon met, she was still dating her ex-boyfriend. And they had kissed, which Dayeon didn't seem to mind.

So he still had his doubts.

Arms went around his waist, waking him up from the stupor. He smiled down at her beautiful dark haired princess, damning himself for thinking bad about her.

“I love you, Dayeon”. He said softly, and moved his head down to kiss her.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: Changkyun

Wednesday 19th, March | 9PM


Changkyun’s back was resting on his room’s wall while his eyes closed from exhaustion.

Jooheon went and crouched beside the younger boy as soon as he saw his sleepy face and clapped in front of it.

“Yah!” Screamed Changkyun, quickly standing up to hit Jooheon.

The older laughed at Changkyun’s rage and tried to annoy him by tickling his sides, something he had learn that the younger hated. With a raging passion.

“Jooheon!” Said Changkyun between his teeth, and Jooheon suddenly stopped.

Changkyun breathed in and out quickly, controlling his anger. It was in moments like this that Changkyun hated service the most. After a whole day of running around, studying, and being screamed at ―for breathing the wrong way, because he knew he didn’t deserve all those reprimands―, the only thing he wanted was to take a shower, eat a big ass dinner and go to sleep, but it was impossible with Jooheon by his side.

That’s why, when he discovered that Jooheon went silent ―and flustered― whenever he said his whole name instead of hyung, he started using it when he wanted some peace.

Even if it was only for some seconds.

“Why don’t you call me 'hyung'?” Jooheon asked for the hundredth time since they have met after some seconds of silence.

“I do call you hyung”. Changkyun said, slowly moving back so that he could get far away from Jooheon. His back collapsed with the wall and he didn’t move farther away. For the moment.

“No, no, I mean… Whenever we are alone. Why do you use my full name? You are younger than me, have some respect”. Jooheon seemed angry, but even if Changkyun had only known him for two days, he knew it was faked anger and Jooheon, deep down, was flustered. And loved to tease the younger.

“What do you want me to answer to that question, Jooheon?” Changkyun’s voice went deeper, also teasing the older.

Jooheon’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he looked hard into the younger’s eyes.

“Don’t tease me”. He said, his voice deeper and quieter as well.

“You started it, hyung”. The last word was full of sass.

Jooheon promptly moved and took Changkyun’s wrist between his strong fingers. He moved the younger’s body with such easiness Changkyun could only look down from the bewilderment.

“Listen, pretty boy.” He took Changkyun’s chin between his fingers and moved his head up so that he could stare into his eyes. “I don’t like you playing with me. We have known each other for two days, so don’t even think for a second that you know me.” His breath smelled like strawberry gum and Changkyun’s eyes moved to his mouth. “And don’t even think about that”.

“What do you mean?” Changkyun asked, confused.

“I mean this”. Jooheon’s hand gripped Changkyun’s crotch, and he for sure felt how hard the younger was.

Changkyun’s face flushed red. He didn’t know where to hide.

“I know you like to tease me, I know why you say ‘Jooheon’ instead of ‘hyung’. What I don’t know is how you got to the conclusion that you saying Jooheon could make me horny, boy.” Jooheon shook his head, but Changkyun didn’t dare to look up. He had enough with the angry tone his friend’s voice had.

He was so ashamed. He had only been there for two days, and yet he had broken the only relationship he had made so far.

There was no way the guy would keep talking to him after knowing how bad he wanted him. That wasn't something that other's could accept easily, and even worse other boys. Especially the boy that turned him on.

But he had seen the lust in Jooheon’s eyes. He had seen how his ‘Jooheon’s had flustered him. So, before Jooheon went and asked to change rooms, or, even worse, hated him for life, he had to try something. Even if he was wrong, it didn't matter now. And they had known each other for two days, so it wasn't a big deal... He hoped.

“Jooheon”. He said, voice as deep as he could go.

The other had turned before Changkyun said anything, but his back was a good enough sight to know what the older was thinking.

“Jooheon”. He tried again, smoothing his voice as teasingly as he could.

He was improvising, he didn’t really know if this would end up well. Maybe the lust he had seen in Jooheon’s eyes was his imagination. Maybe it wasn’t lust for him, but because the boy was horny and that was it. After all, Changkyun had seen how Jooheon looked at their private...

But he had to try. They would never talk again like they had been talking this past two days, so better go all in.

Because Changkyun really wanted Jooheon.

“Jooheon”. He said for a third time. The older was standing still, not even an inch of his hair moved.

Changkyun slowly moved towards him. He would have wanted to be as smug as his friend and recite an alluring speech so that the older would get on his knees and do as he told him, but he wasn’t like that. Even right now, as he moved towards Jooheon, his hands were trembling and he had to keep them at his back. His only wish right now was that Jooheon took the reins of this situation and, of course, enjoyed it.

Jooheon was now one feet away from Changkyun, and the younger heard the quick breathing of the other.


It was a simple word, short and insolent, but it was what Jooheon needed to turn and look down at Changkyun.

And, indeed, there was lust in his eyes.

A cocky smile appeared on his lips before saying “you have guts, boy”.

Changkyun only stared at him, trying to convince Jooheon that yes, he had guts, and that the trembling in his hands was caused by… a body earthquake. Yeah.

Jooheon moved one inch towards the younger, the playful smile still plastered on his face.

“Chagkyunnie…” He said, frowning. “Do you know what you are doing?”

Changkyun nervously shook his head, and Jooheon’s hands went to stop the movement, cupping his face.

“Then why are you even trying it?” He said with a strange tone.

“Don’t… You don’t-“ Changkyun tried to speak but his voiced trembled too much.

“No.” Jooheon said gravely.

Changkyun didn’t know where to hide, once again.

He had tried it, but it was hopeless to try harder, so he took Jooheon’s wrist and tried to move his (now ex-) friend’s hands from his face. But it was impossible.

He looked at Jooheon with anger.

“Let me go”. He said between his teeth.

Jooheon abruptly moved Changkyun’s head until their noses touched.

“You have to try harder, Changkyunnie”. He told the younger with a deep voice, staring deep into his eyes.

Changkyun couldn’t move his body, couldn’t even move his eyes from Jooheon’s, until Jooheon tsked and stepped away.

“Next time, try harder”. And he took a towel, heading for the shower.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: Hyungwon

Tuesday 20th, March | 2AM

Once again, I’m having trouble falling asleep.

I thought that coming to the service would help with my insomnia since I have to work out for countless hours a day and that is something my body isn’t used to do, but it’s pointless. Even the most exhausting days can’t help with my anxious mind and I’m always left looking at the ceiling without a thing to think about. Today is the first day I can write instead of losing myself in pointless thoughts.

Writing has always been my passion and something that people have told me I’m actually good at, but it’s difficult to say when the only thing I’ve ever written are journals. I mean, my life isn’t even that interesting, but my sister always says that reading about a boring ‘grey-day’, as I call them, was interesting when it was written by me. She said I had a special way of expressing myself, of linking words in a way that the final result was always a beautiful string of letters that expressed my deepest feelings.

And that was the thing that she liked the most, in my opinion. Let me explain myself.

I have always been a person that can’t express their feelings out loud, I can’t even talk too much or I’ll get nervous about people looking at me the wrong way. I prefer to remain in the shadows, so whenever you read something about me you’ll get surprised at how deep I actually am.

I find that kind of insulting, since I don’t think that talking and being deep are connected (if something, it should be the other way around), but that is how others have always seen me and my writing. I have no say in that.

It’s 2:14AM and my head hurts. I’ll have to wake up in a few hours and it’ll hurt even more.

I hate this, I really do. I keep to myself everything that happens during the day and I’m always left with a horrible feeling in my gut at night, as if I need to puke my feelings to let it all out and sleep peacefully.

So, to relieve a bit of tension I’m gonna write my day. Man, I always write a full ass introduction about what I’m gonna write when I start journals, and then it’s not even that deep. This is the first page of my new journal. Remember when I told some paragraphs above that writing is my passion and that I’ve always written in journals? Well, I haven’t done so yet in service. Not that I didn’t want to, it was only that I didn’t have the paper. Funny, right?

Well, I got some and I have to write extra small so I can fit at least one month of days on it or I’ll be left without anything to do for more months.

I still can’t believe I haven’t written in six months, wow.

Well, let’s talk about my day or I’ll explode.

That. Fucking. Man. Called. Kihyun.

That’s how I should title my days lately. “Fucking Kihyun”. Because I’d kill him gladly.

Not really, he doesn’t matter that much to me, but he’s always between me and Wonho and I fucking hate that. LET US BE, MAN!

Oh right, I haven’t talked about Wonho yet. I still think I’ve been telling my stories for the past months but I haven’t. Let’s do a quick summary. (I feel like my writing has gotten shitty since I wrote the word Wonho. Excuse me. He drives me so crazy I can’t even do the only thing I’m slightly good at because of him.)

I met Wonho six months ago, when I entered service. He was the first person I got to talk to, and our story started there. He was really sweet and showed me around and eventually our friendship turned… kinky.

For some reason, Wonho knew I liked men. Maybe it was because I had kissed Yoohyun, maybe it was because I actually looked gay, but the point is he knew. And he went after me. Of course, I didn’t resist him (why would I?), and we ended up fucking before our relationship became anything. We were fuck buddies for some days and then we decided to make it official because, let’s be real, we couldn’t live without the other.

Not really, but yes really. Imagine service without him. Wow, no. I’d rather stab myself with this pen.

So it has been like that for six months. We have lived a happy and healthy (I’d say) relationship, and we have been trying to hide it, but it seems as if we have tried too hard to hide it, since Kihyun can’t let my man alone.

The worst is… Wonho doesn’t seem to mind, which drives me crazy. And if I’m honest with myself, it’s the reason I’m awake at… 3AM… when I should be fast asleep.

I have tried to tell Wonho to stop, to not talk to him, but I can’t forbid him from anything and he has to be the one to decide what’s good for him. It’s just… Man, I feel like a 10 year old girl crying because his fictional boyfriend kissed another female character.

Wonho can talk and hang out with whoever he wants, I have to remind myself that. It’s just… Not Kihyun!! Kihyun eats Wonho alive with his eyes whenever the two of them talk. Should I really believe Wonho when he tells me that it’s nothing?

I don’t know.

I hate this situation because Wonho and I have been happy and by ourselves for the past 6 months, and now this fucking shortie arrives and tries to seduce my man.

Not my man, sorry. My boyfriend. Someone I don’t have to control.


I should try to sleep, I really should. And I hope someone would read this to help me.

Should I try to talk with Jooheon? He seems a fun man, he talked to me once (but I didn’t answer). Oh! And also, he was kissing Kihyun the other day… So maybe he’s also jealous because he wants Kihyun for himself.

I don’t know.

I’m a mess.


Whatever, I’m going to try to sleep and hope tomorrow (today) will be a better day. I have two options: the healthy one, which is to talk about this with Wonho and accept Kihyun as a friend (or just someone I “know”, no one can make me like him, right?); or the unhealthy one: end Kihyun’s dreams about fucking my man.

I’ll think about it.


Chapter Text

Chapter 7: Jooheon


Thursday 20th, March | 7AM

“I need your help”. Jooheon’s voice startled Kihyun and he turned from his chair to hit him.

“Ya! I was eating”. He said with his mouth full.

“I can see”. Answered Jooheon with a disgusted face.

Kihyun swallowed his food slowly so that Jooheon had to wait for him, only making the younger more nervous.

“Are you going to help me, or not?”

“It depends”. Said Kihyun with a smirk.

“Depends on what”. Jooheon wasn’t having any of Kihyun’s attitude.


Jooheon took a step back, suddenly scared at Kihyun’s angry impromptu.

Kihyun laughed at Jooheon’s sheep face and patted the seat beside him so that the younger could sit there.

“I’ll be finished in ten minutes”. He said with a sweeter voice, and something inside Jooheon went soft.

Was Kihyun being friendly with him?

“Okay”. Replied Jooheon quietly.

Kihyun looked at him strangely but resumed his eating while Jooheon tapped his fingers on the table nervously.

“Are you waiting for someone?” Asked Kihyun after seeing the younger look anxiously at the door.


“I ask-“

“I know what you asked”. Snapped Jooheon.

“Listen man, I don’t know what’s wrong with you tod-“

“There’s nothing wron-“

“Don’t interrupt me”. Retorted the older.

“If you could just finish eating”. Said Jooheon with venom.

“10 minutes”.

Jooheon turned his head sharply to Kihyun.

“You said 10 minutes 5 minutes ago!”

“Yes, but you are pissing me off, so suck it up”.

Jooheon wanted to punch that pretty face, but he knew the only way to allure Minhyuk was with Kihyun’s help.

“I’ll see you this afternoon, okay?” He asked, standing up.

“Okay”. Replied Kihyun while chewing rice, but Jooheon registered something weird in his voice.

Once again, the younger was left thinking that Kihyun actually cared about him.


“Soldiers, attention!”

Jooheon followed Minhyuk’s orders because it was his job as soldier and he didn’t want to get penalized –especially not today–, but there was something that made him want to tease the young private. He felt as if he could play with him, make the other mad but in a good way.

He shook his head at those thoughts. He loved flirting too much, he was going to end in deep trouble one day.

“As you know, the 2pm class is for individual fights. You have been doing this regularly, so I don’t have to explain much”. Minhyuk said with a strong voice.

Based on his shaking hands, it was the first time Minhyuk taught a combat class and Jooheon knew. It didn’t matter that his voice sounded strong, he was really scared.

And the soldier couldn’t help but smile.

“You will have to duel with five different partners today; whoever loses the most fights will have to run 5 extra miles on tomorrow’s morning run. Understood?”

The soldiers shouted in acceptance and began to think how to win the combats. This was a group made by fairly new recruits (and really new ones, like Changkyun) who constantly made mistakes in personal combat, so Jooheon didn’t think it would be too hard to win. Afterall, he had won other days.

He wasn’t scared of the extra 5 miles of running. He just wanted to win. And the reasons were clear: Minhyuk’s attention. But he also knew that to capture the private’s attention he only had two options: be the actual best –which would be really hard– or make mistakes so that Minhyuk could help him.

Jooheon turned his head to look at the blonde private and found himself lost in the sight. He hated being like that, but he couldn’t help it.

Minhyuk was just… Beautifully striking. Jooheon was sure he wasn’t the only soldier looking at their private with lusty eyes.

He couldn’t be.


But that voice wrecked his thoughts.

“Hm?” He said, forcing himself to look away from Minhyuk and into Changkyun’s eyes instead.

He also got lost in them and cursed himself for being so easy to seduce.

“We have to fight”. Said the younger, snapping his fingers in front of Jooheon’s eyes. “Are you sleepy?”

What’s your problem, Jooheon?

“Yes, I had trouble falling asleep yesterday…” He answered while scratching his head.

Changkyun nodded, but a playful smile appeared on his lips.

He knew.

Jooheon suddenly remembered last night’s flirting and got flustered. Changkyun had driven him crazy, even if he wouldn't admit it out loud. Why would he? Why would he expose himself and lose his only friend in there just to fuck? He could fuck Minhyuk, who wasn’t his friend.

But Changkyun had something special that drove him insane. Maybe it was his eyes, his dark hair, his playful smile, the certainty that they were the same: tease kings. Because even if Changkyun had gotten shy last night, Jooheon had seen how playful he actually was. And even if the older had always been the one in dominance, having someone treat him like Changkyun did…

Man, he felt his boner grow in his pants. He had to stop thinking about his friend fucking him.

“Let’s start fighting”. Jooheon said with a smirk.

“How did you know we were paired together? You didn’t ask the private”. Changkyun asked. Jooheon went silent and Changkyun shook his head.

“Don’t worry, let’s fight and then you can go and talk to him”.

Changkyun’s voice was slightly resentful, and Jooheon knew his friend was starting to catch feelings for him.


Jooheon’s arm was around Changkyun’s waist and in a moment the younger fell hard to the floor, his head smacking softly against the ground. Jooheon’s fingers stayed in that position for some seconds longer, enjoying the moment. He had Changkyun’s waist inside his arms and the younger’s face two feet away, sweaty and angry at him. He could die like that.

Changkyun was always a sight, but right now he seemed to glow. He growled and Jooheon’s dick went up as answer to that deep moan.
His eyes landed on Changkyun’s mouth and the younger licked his lips at that same moment. A soft moan escaped Jooheon’s mouth, so soft only the two of them could hear. But he wasn’t scared about Changkyun hearing him. He wanted the younger to know what effect he had on him.

Changkyun’s eyes opened after what had seemed like minutes but were only seconds, and moved to Jooheon’s deep stare. He raised up without moving his eyes from the older until he was seated, still with Jooheon's arms around his waist, and a faint smirk appeared on his lips.

“Jooheon”. He said softly.

“Hm?” Answered the older lost in the moment.

“Kiss me”.

He said it so quietly Jooheon was scared he heard wrong. Changkyun had indeed tried harder, and his heart started beating wildly. His head moved slowly towards the younger, forgetting about the surroundings and everyone that could see them. He had to kiss his friend; he needed to kiss his friend.

When they were mere inches apart, a man cleared his throat behind them.

“Care to explain?”

And Jooheon knew that from that moment on his heart would be divided.

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Minhyuk


Thursday 20th, March | 2:30PM

“Please, soldier, follow me”. He said with a resentful voice while trying to remain expressionless. It was difficult to not convey any feeling at all after what he had seen.

Not that Jooheon had to be loyal to him, they were nothing, but he had had the hope of, at least, kissing the boy that had been driving him crazy since day one.

Yes, it was only day four, but he had a major crush on the soldier and Minhyuk wasn’t used to not having what he wanted.

He escorted Jooheon to a room where no one could hear them. The room had a chalkboard and around twenty chairs and tables. It looked old and dusty, like no one had been there in a couple of months at least.

It was the perfect room to talk with Jooheon.

The only problem was that he wasn’t sure at how to approach the subject, since he wasn’t sure if he wanted to punish him or not. But he had to be fast or Jooheon would know.

“Sit”. He commanded.


“Anywhere, soldier”. He answered with nervousness covered in anger.

Jooheon looked at him in a way that made Minhyuk’s knees feel like jell-o, but he sat in the nearest chair making a lot of sound and spreading his legs wide.

Minhyuk felt sweat coat his neck with the sight of Jooheon’s thighs and that rebellious pose the soldier had, but he had to remain serious.

“Soldier, do y-“

Jooheon suddenly got up and approached Minhyuk slowly with his arms on his back. Minhyuk stopped talking and looked at the soldier, wavering on how to continue the punishment. He took a step back until his lower back hit a table.

“Private…” Jooheon started, putting his hand on his chin as if he was in deep thought.


“Private Minhyuk, right. Can I ask you a question?” Jooheon kept moving towards the blonde.

“Uhm, yeah”. Minhyuk answered, damning himself internally for sounding so indecise. If Jooheon’s cocky smirk was any telltale, Minhyuk had been caught.

Jooheon stoped moving when the tip of his rusty boots touched Minhyuk’s. The private could feel Jooheon’s breathe tingling at his lips, making the private shudder in pleasure.

Fuck, I need to calm myself.

“Why am I going to get punished for, exactly?” Jooheon said with a croaky voice, looking directly at Minhyuk’s eyes without even blinking for a second.

“You… You didn’t act accord-“.

Jooheon kissed Minhyuk. Softly.

It was just for a half a second, but it was everything Minhyuk needed to stop thinking coherently.

“Hm?” Jooheon asked him, teasing the older.

“I said-“ Minhyuk tried, feeling breathless. “I said that you didn’t act accord-“

Once again Jooheon’s mouth was on him, but this time the kiss lasted a bit longer.

Jooheon moved his hand towards Minhyuk’s exposed arm and started tracing circles around the elbow.

“Hm?” He asked once again, looking at the blonde with half a smile painted on his face.

Minhyuk swallowed hard before opening his mouth to talk again, but Jooheon went for it before the older could even form a word.

Minhyuk’s hands fled towards Jooheon’s hair and the private was surprised at how soft the soldier’s hair was. He moaned softly into Jooheon’s mouth, making the other’s dick throb.

Jooheon broke the kiss and waited a few seconds before speaking.

“I’m gonna tell you what happened. You wanted to kiss me since day one, and you got jealous when you saw me with Changkyun”. He said, taking Minhyuk’s chin in his fingers so that the private could look him in the eyes. “But I have to tell you something, private. Right now, I’m not thinking about him. I’m thinking about you eating my dick and making me come in your face”.

Minhyuk’s sharp intake of air was muted by Jooheon’s mouth. Their tongues swept across each other and their hands roamed the other’s body freely.

Jooheon took his shirt first, showing his tanned skin to the blonde.

“Oh”. Minhyuk said.

Jooheon smirked.

“Do you like what you see?”

“You have a foul mouth, kid”. Answered Minhyuk.

Jooheon’s dick went hard at Minhyuk’s answer. He loved it when his partners treated him like that.

He loved it when his partners wanted to dominate him.

But even if Minhyuk tried, he couldn’t. Jooheon wanted that mouth around his dick, not the other way around –for the moment.

Minhyuk was enjoying the moment more than he wanted to admit. It was better than anything he had dreamt about, and he had indeed dreamt about this instant a lot of times. But Jooheon’s mouth tasted better than anything he had tasted before, and his big hands felt like they belonged on his body, on his-


Jooheon’s fingers swept lightly over Minhyuk’s crotch, feeling the bulge of the blonde.

“You indeed like what you see, private”. He said with pretension.

Minhyuk moaned softly when the younger’s mouth went towards his neck while still stroking his dick. Jooheon’s mouth bit lightly on the private’s neck, going upwards towards his ear.

“I want you to suck my dick”. He said before sharply taking the older’s face in his hands and sweeping his tongue over his lips.

Then he gave the blonde a light kiss and stepped backwards, looking at Minhyuk while he touched himself.

Minhyuk wasn’t sure if he had ever seen something so hot. Jooheon’s dark hair was rustled, his golden chest shined with sweat and his pants hung low, hugging his hips just above his crotch. Minhyuk could even see the tip’s shadow of his dick over the rim of the pants, begging him to put his mouth over it.

“It won’t suck itself, honey”. Jooheon said with a smirk while moving a finger around the inside of the rim of his pants, teasing to take them off.

Minhyuk moved towards the soldier, lost in pleasure, and kissed him with passion while moving his hands towards Jooheon’s waist. The younger inhaled sharply when Minhyuk’s cold fingers touched his soft skin, but he loved the feeling.

The private went down kissing Jooheon’s chest and abs until he fell to his knees and the only thing he could see was Jooheon’s hardness. He pushed the younger towars a chair and took his pants and boxers off, leaving the black haired man totally naked. He was surprised at how beautiful Jooheon’s body was.

His tongue swept from the base of the younger’s dick until the top, licking all the pre-cum before taking Jooheon’s hardness whole. Both men moaned at the same time, but Jooheon felt Minhyuk’s deep growl on his dick, turning him on more and more.

Minhyuk went up and down sloppily, driving the soldier crazy.

“Oh, Minhyuk. I’m coming.” Jooheon said between moans of pleasure, kind of annoyed at how quickly this was going to end.

Minhyuk took Jooheon’s hips with his hands and kept moving until he felt Jooheon’s cum on his mouth. He moved his head sharply so that Jooheon could cum all over his face as he had told him.

When Jooheon had ended, he looked at Minhyuk’s face, full of cum, and smirked. He helped the private by cleaning his face with his own shirt –it didn’t matter, he had plenty of them–, and said only one thing before rushing.

“You are great, baby”.


Chapter Text

Chapter 9: Wonho

Thursday 20th, March | 7PM

“Aren’t you tired?” The dark haired man asked, clouds of breath puffing in front of his face.

It was a windy and humid night, but they had to walk another few miles before they were free until bedtime.

“I’m not, to be honest”. Answered the blonde with a smile, the only sign of exhaustion being a hot drop of sweat going down his temple.

Kihyun opened his eyes in surprise.

“Are you sweating?” He asked.

“It’s cold”. Wonho shrugged his shoulders.

“No, it isn’t”.

“You suddenly transformed into the weather man?” He asked, laughing. Before Kihyun could retort him, he put a finger in front of his mouth and kept talking. “No, better. You have transformed into God, and now you can decide when someone can feel warm or cold, right?”

Wonho’s smile was contagious, and Kihyun felt half annoyed, half dizzy from happiness.

He didn’t know how it had happened, but Wonho started talking to him after he and Jooheon had interrupted the boyfriends’ make out session with their own make out session. When Kihyun ran away from the scene from the embarrassment, he really thought Wonho wouldn’t want to know more about him, but it had been the contrary.

That same night, Wonho had gone in the search of Kihyun with a menace stance and message, but Kihyun didn’t feel threatened by the big blonde guy. He had felt blessed Wonho was giving him attention, so he tried to be submissive. So when Wonho told him that he would kill him if he said anything about he and Hyungwon being together, Kihyun was all nods and bows.

Until the bickering commenced as the days passed, and Wonho started to seem even more attracted to Kihyun. 

The short boy had something in him that made Wonho, to put it in simple words, horny. Not only that, but –even if they seemed to argue about everything– he felt as if Kihyun gave him something he had been missing all those months in the service. He felt whole, a feeling that made way to another one: guilt.

In those four days since the make out interruption, as he and Kihyun liked to call it, Wonho had been distancing himself from Hyungwon, and every time he was with his boyfriend he didn’t feel the attraction he had felt before.

He loved him, of course he did, and he felt kind of whole with Hyungwon too, but Kihyun was always stuck in his mind. The short dark haired man was wrecking him whole, but he didn’t feel sad about it. It was just guilt, pure guilt going through his veins that seemed to lessen when he was with Kihyun, because the happiness subdued it. When he was with Hyungwon, it was pure guilt.

But, right now, Wonho was happy. Kihyun was making him smile, and smiling was Wonho’s favorite thing in the world.

“Man, have I told you that I like you a lot?” He said, his smile going even bigger than before.

Kihyun’s features suddenly went soft, and his eyes seemed to brighten.

“Really?” He said with a soft voice, the same tone kids used when their parents told them during the holidays that they would get ice cream if they were good.

“Yeah”. Wonho replied with decision.

Wonho didn’t lie. If he had to choose the best thing about his character, it would be his sincerity. He wasn’t lying to Kihyun, nor telling him that to get something off the younger; he was just saying it because he wanted to. And because it was a truth he wanted the other man to now.

Kihyun smiled and shook his head, making his soft hair move and shine with the reflection of the floodlight. Wonho’s hand twitched. He wanted to touch the dark and soft hair, but he had to suppress himself. He loved Hyungwon more than anyone else. He had to be loyal.

He forced a sad smile and took Kihyun’s arm with his big hand, moving the younger forward.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun asked, eyes focused on Wonho’s hand.

“I’m moving you. We have been standing still too long, the private is goi-“

A loud whistle sounded, breaking the silence of the night, and the private approached them in long steps.

“Soldiers!” He said with a powerful voice.

Kihyun and Wonho saluted, screaming their numbers and names. Wonho did it with a stable voice, but Kihyun’s voice shook so much Wonho wanted to take his hand in reassurance.

Of course Wonho was used to getting punished, but Kihyun didn’t. When the private told them what they were supposed to do, Wonho thanked the gods internally.

They didn’t have to run around the basecamp all night and do one thousand push-ups, they just had to clean the toilets.

Service punishment had seemed so much worse by what Wonho’s friends had told him, but in reality the only thing he had done was extra work outs or cleaning some room. And in cleaning rooms he always got something as reward –usually a blowjob from Hyungwon–, so it wasn’t that bad.

But Kihyun didn’t know about it, so when the private went off Wonho tried to calm his friend.

“It will be fun”. He said, smiling.

He waited for Kihyun's expression to change, but the change actually surprised him. By Kihyun’s expression, Wonho knew what the younger was thinking. And it was something that should have made him feel bad, but it didn’t.

The next afternoon, they were about the spend three hours all alone.

And it seemed as if Kihyun’s fear had turned into pure lust at the realization.



“Hey, babe”. Wonho’s ass slid across the seat until his shoulder bumped against Hyungwon’s.

The younger looked at him in a way that made Wonho’s stomach turn.

“What’s wrong?” His hand shoot towards Hyungwon’s hair, smothering it so that he could look into the younger’s face better.

Hyungwon pushed Wonho’s hand away.

“Where have you been?” He asked with a robotic tone, emotionless.

“Marching”. The blonde’s tone was cautious.

“With whom?” Hyungwon asked with the same tone, stare fixed on his meal.

“Uhm, some of the group members. You know, the ones who didn’t march yest-“

“Kihyun”. Hyungwon interrupted him.

“Yeah he was-“

“No”. He interrupted again, moving his fork towards the dining hall’s door. “I mean that Kihyun has arrived”.

Wonho moved his head to look at the door, and indeed Kihyun was crossing it. His hair was wet and it looked darker, making the shape of his face more angulated. He looked striking.

The man looked across the dining room until their stares collided and Wonho’s face flushed red.

“Oh my god”. He heard his boyfriend say after some seconds.

“What?” He asked, looking at him just to get away from the striking sight that Kihyun was.

But he found himself looking at an enraged face.

“You just went red looking at him”. Hyungwon said, tone bitter.

“No, I mean, it’s a joke. I-“

“Don’t even try it, Hoseok.” Hyungwon answered with anger.

“Shut up, don’t say my name out loud”. Wonho got up, suddenly feeling like he was being attacked by his boyfriend.

“I’ll call you whatever I want”. Hyungwon answered through his teeth.

“I’m just asking you to do that”.

“Just? As in ‘it’s the only thing I’m asking you to do, Hyungwon?’ No, Wonho, not today”. He got up making a lot of noise and other recruits looked back at them, but Wonho tried to smile to make them look away.

“What’s wrong?” Wonho closed his eyes with exhaustion when he registered Kihyun’s voice.

Hyungwon got red with rage at the sight of Kihyun, and approached him with menace.

“You”. Was the only thing he said before strolling away. Wonho knew that Hyungwon would have loved to tell him more than that, but his boyfriend had supressed his anger because of the onlookers.

Wonho's heart hammered strongly inside his chest. He wasn't used to Hyungwon being mad at him. He hated it when others were annoyed at him.

Kihyun turned to look at the blonde. Wonho closed his eyes quickly so that he couldn’t see his tears, but a sob ruined his mask.

“Hey” Kihyun said softly, approaching him.

Wonho took a step back, opening his eyes so that he could look at the younger.

“Just go away”. He said with a coarse voice.


“Just go away. Please”. His tone devastated Kihyun, but it didn’t sound like anger. Just pure exhaustion.

Kihyun looked one last time at him, divided between wanting to stay to comfort him and wanting to do what the older told him, but he finally decided to do what Wonho wanted.

As soon as Kihyun was gone, Wonho knew he should have gone after Hyungwon, but he hadn’t.

And, in a way, he was glad he hadn't do it.

Chapter Text


Chapter 10: Kihyun


Thursday 20th, March | 10PM

“Hey, man.” I hear Jooheon’s voice before he appears.

He’s always startling me, that damn kid.

“Hey.” It’s my only answer. I don't know how he even thought I could be on this roof all alone, but he did and I'm actually glad.

“Something happened?” He asks, and the question makes my stomach turn.

Because yes something happened, and it was all my fault. Could I trust Jooheon? After all, he was the one who helped me get Wonho’s attention, but…

“You can trust me, man.” He says, seeming as if he could read my mind.

I look at him and his eyes show pure warmth with a hint of curiosity, so I decide to trust in him and tell him everything that happened.

As soon as I start talking there’s no way of stopping me, and I spare no detail in my story telling. Jooheon listens to me without muttering a word, looking really concerned and interested in what I’m saying. My heart clenches, both from disgust at what has happened between Hyungwon and Wonho and from happiness at how Jooheon seems to have become my closest friend in service.

Weird how we became closer after making out in front of other two guys.

When I’m done talking, I inhale deeply, trying to keep my face expressionless but I know I’m doing a horrible job based on how soft Jooheon’s expression is.

"Do you love him?" He asks me softly.

"No." I shake my head, sure of it. "I don't love him, I just like him. And I'm divided between my feelings."

Jooheon nods his head and seems to lose himself in thought.

I feel the need to smoke, but that's something impossible to do while in service, so I start to bite my nails.

Jooheon kicks my hand away from my mouth and takes it, threading his fingers with mine. He moves closer to me and we stay like that for minutes, holding hands and looking at the dark sky, our shoulders bumping. I feel his warmth through my green jacket, and for the first time in a long time I feel at peace.

"I think you should follow your heart." He says with a hint of sadness.

He knows that I feel guilty about my actions, and I suppose he wants me to stop all together because I just told him I don't love Wonho. But I don't think I can.

Maybe I don't love him, but there's something inside of me that makes me go after his fucking blonde ass. There's something inside of me that makes me think about him day after day since I saw him. And I can't ignore that voice, or I might go crazy.

"It's hard." I tell him.

He looks at me, half a smile drawn on his face.

"I get it."

"I don't think you do." 

"Well, think whatever you want, but I do get it." He says, moving his hand from mine. The cold hugs my skin and I don't welcome it. I instantly miss the feeling of Jooheon's skin on mine.

"What does that mean?" I try to sound as sweet as I can, because I actually care about him. It's just that I don't feel with strenght to help him right now if he really needs me.

"It means that I get it. That's it. Leave it, okay?" He stands up, and the warmth is totally gone now.

I hug myself with my arms and Jooheon's eyes actually change at that.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"You don't have to be sorry, dude." I also get up and force my feet to move until I'm standing so close to him I can feel his warmth again.

"You surely are a boy fond of skinship." He tells me, looking down at me with a smirk.

I feel my cheeks redden at the likely misunderstanding, but Jooheon moves his arm and puts it around me, moving my body until my chin is resting on his shoulder.

I breathe deeply, taking in his scent, and I feel how my heart warms again.

Maybe I don't love Wonho, but I certainly love Jooheon.



I'm walking as silently as I can through the hall. Getting to my room without being noticed is my only goal in mind. The hall looks somber, mold covering all the corners of the previously white and now grey walls. My feet makes no sound, but my breathing does, and I know for a fact that I need to calm myself.

It's not as if this is the first day I'm out after curfew, it's just the mix of feelings I'm experiencing lately. And, over all, the constant guilt going through my veins.

So when my eyes meet a pair of eyes I'm really fond of, I feel as if my head is ready to fall out of my body from the dizziness.

He moves closer to me and puts a hand over my mouth, silencing me. Not that I was about to make any sound. If a soldier caught us in this situation, we would be dead.

Wonho's eyes look into mine, our heads really close in the dark hall. The shadows actually make me feel more comfortable, or as more comfortable as one can feel when he knows he's doing something morally bad and illegal.

"Follow me." Wonho says into my ear, making the hairs on my arms stand. 

He moves in front of me and, of course, I follow him.

I want to ask him why is he out of his dorm at this hour. I want to ask him where is he taking me and why. I want to ask him if he also feels attracted to me.

But I do none of that. I just follow him in silence as the submissive doggie I am.

Wonho pushes the door of a room that is suprisingly open, no need for a key, and takes my hand to move me inside of it. He closes it making no sound at all, and I'm surprised to find it's just a laundry room. Heaps of green jackets and pants cover the floor, and the stink of sweat is mixed with fabric softener. A strange mix, but I forget all about it as soon as Wonho clears his throat to get my attention.

"How are you?" I manage to ask him.

He shrugs and moves closer to me, closer than we have ever been before.

Once again I have mixed feelings about the situation. On the one hand, I love how I can feel that Wonho seems to care about me. If not, why would he take me in the middle of the night to an isolated room full of sweaty military clothes? (That was a joke no one asked for). But, on the other hand, I feel bad for Hyungwon. Because even if I hate him, deep down I know the only reason I hate the boy is my jealousy.

"I'm better now." He says, smiling shortly.

The semi-smile warms my heart and I feel short of breath at Wonho's beauty.

I take a mini step towards him, to close our distance even more.

"Kihyun..." He says, moving his hand towards my hair. His fingers softly touch my temple and it sends a spark of sensations into my system. "Kihyun."

"Hm... yes?" I try to ask, voice croaky.

"I... I think..." Wonho tries to say, and I feel the right of finishing that sentence for him.

"I like you." I tell him, and his fingers suddenly stop moving.

I move my hand to the back of his head, and push him until his face is in front of mine. He doesn't try to get away from me, the only reaction to my move being his quick breathing. I take that as a good symptom.

"I'm going to kiss you now." I say, and I move my head slowly until out lips touch.

I kiss him softly, really softly, waiting for him to kiss me back.

But he doesn't.

Instead, he pushes me and goes away without saying a word.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: Shownu

Firday 21th, March | 5:15PM


The days were already warmer, especially during the afternoons. The sun didn't seem to go down as quickly as it had been doing the past month, and that small detail was something that made Shownu especially happy. He had to work until 7PM each day, so knowing that little by little he would end up getting home with the sun still up made him smile.

He was so easy to please.

Right now he was looking at his group while they threw grenades. It was an exercise that bored him to death, so he moved his eyes to the group next to his, Minhyuk's group.

His was a weak group with the exception of a few, he knew. The sergeant major decided so when Minhyuk started working here, this past monday. On the other hand, Shownu's group was strong. The soldiers had been selected based on their results on the tests they all did at the end of the month, and Shownu's was the second strongest group. It was the first time he had one of the strongest teams, so this week had felt more like a test for himself.

Minhyuk was the weakest group, but the sergeant major had mixed some of the good soldiers in between the weak ones so that the group wouldn't be that... bad, basically.

"So, tell me about her." Shownu heard one of his soldiers say to another one, but he decided to ignore it. They could talk, he wasn't going to punish them just for that.

"My ex?" A soldier with blonde hair answered.

Shownu didn't care at all about this conversation, so he was ready to move when he heard a name.

His girlfriend's name.

He moved his stare so that those soldiers couldn't think he was listening. His heart was beating furiously inside his chest, and he started to see red from the anger.

It was him? He was Dayeon's ex?

"Our relationship was weird. She was a stripper and I..." Wonho lowered his voice, but Shownu could hear him. "I used to sell... stuff."

The dark haired male looked at him in surprise, his face going white from the fright.

"Don't worry, I'm over it." The blonde said, looking at the shorter man with apathy in his eyes.

The soldier seemed to suppress his want of hugging the blonde. 

"Are you over her?" He said instead.

"That whore? Hell yeah I'm over her" The blonde said, and Shownu's fist burned in want of hitting his face.

The sergeant moved until he was in front of the two soldiers. They saluted him with nervousness, but Shownu wasn't here to scold them for talking, as they thought.

"What is the last thing you have said, soldier?" He asked him with a sullen tone.

"Sir, sorry, sir. I will never say that word again." The blonde said, not looking at Shownu's eyes.

"You see, the problem isn't the word." Shownu was breathing hard. "The problem is who you are talking about".

The soldier's eyes opened in recognition. He knew. He knew he was talking to Dayeon's boyfriend.

"Soldier, what's your name?" Shownu asked. Talking was hard at this point.

"Wonho, sir." Wonho said, swallowing hard.

"Well, Wonho. I'll keep an eye on you. Never say that again about Dayeon." Shownu said, and turned back, but he heard Wonho's breathy laugh, and he knew the soldier had said "but she is a whore", so there was no point in restraining his fists anymore.

His fist flew towards Wonho's pretty face, but the shorter soldier ran and put himself in between the two men, Shownu's fist colliding with his cheek.

Shownu couldn't stop the hit on time, but he felt bad instantly. This wasn't like him. He shouldn't go around hitting soldiers. He could lose his job, even more if he hit soldiers that hadn't done anything bad.

The shorter soldier was on the floor, his hand cupping his face just where Shownu had hit him.

Shownu was speechless, he wasn't even moving.

Minhyuk was suddenly by his side, and another soldier was kneeling beside the soldier that had received the punch.

"Kihyun! Kihyun! Are you okay?" The new soldier was telling Kihyun.

So he had punched a man called Kihyun, and Wonho hadn't received what he deserved. What a nice day, Shownu.

"Joo... Jooheon." Kihyun was saying, voice contorted from the pain. "Take me to the medics." 

The soldier named Jooheon took Kihyun from the floor as if Kihyun weighed nothing, and started walking towards the infirmary.

Shownu looked around him, and saw how both Minhyuk and another soldier looked at Jooheon and Kihyun with resentful eyes. The rest of soldiers just wore a mask of pure shock on their faces.

Damn, he was going to lose his job for sure. 


5:45 PM

A nurse was putting a bandage around Shownu's hand when the sergeant major appeared on the door of the infirmary with a puppy eyed Wonho by his side.

"Sergeant Shownu! Soldier Kihyun! Come with me. Now!" He said, his tone as grave as ever.

Both men followed him, Kihyun wearing a massive bruise on his cheek. He looked at Shownu with a mix of empathy and animosity.

"I'm sorry." Shownu told him, as silently as he could.

Kihyun just shrugged his shoulders, but for some reason Shownu knew the soldier would forgive him.

Now the problem was the sergeant major and that damn kid Wonho, who would be running around without a single bruise after talking bad about Dayeon.

The sergeant major took them to a silent part of the backyard, where he knew he could reprimand them as loud as he wanted.

"You three fuckheads. You are lucky I'm not expelling any of you." He said, and Shownu was surprised. He really had thought about searching for another job after today's incident. "I'm just going to punish you as if you were high schoolers," the sergeant continued, "because that's exactly how you three acted. You deserve to be treated like kids."

The sergeant major's words hurt Shownu's pride, but Kihyun and Wonho actually looked relieved.

"You three are going to stay tonight cleaning the whole camp. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!" The three of them shouted at the same time.

"Oh," the sergeant continued, "and you should thank one of your friends" ‒he said the word with disgust‒ "because he actually helped you three from not being expelled. It was what I would have done in the first place."

And with that, he went away.

"I'm sure it was Jooheon." Kihyun said, voice still low.

"Who is that fucking Jooheon, your boyfriend?" Wonho said with bitterness on his voice.

Kihyun looked at him, hurt.

"What if he was?" He retorted.

"Nothing." Wonho pushed him and walked away.

Shownu didn't know what was up between the soldiers, but he wasn't interested after what had happened today.

He muttered another apology to Kihyun and went away, a pressure on his chest threatining to transform into tears. He ran to the bathroom and signaled Dayeon's number.

Chapter Text


Friday 21th, March | 8PM


"Hey, kid." Jooheon greeted Changkyun with a smile, but the younger didn't even move his stare from the tray of food.

Jooheon sat beside him anyways, ready to talk with his angsty friend.

"Something up?" He told the younger while spooning some of the rice.

Changkyun turned his head slowly towards Jooheon and muttered something that sounded like "nothing", but the black haired soldier knew it wasn't true.

Jooheon kept eating without saying a word for a couple of minutes until Changkyun broke the silence.

"Why would the sergeant hit a soldier?" He said, frowning slightly.

Jooheon shrugged and answered with his mouth full, "pretty sure it was something personal."

"That's obvious." Changkyun answered.

"Not that obvious, could be that the soldier was being disrespectful to him." Jooheon talked moving his spoon around the air.

"Or maybe both." 

Both guys nodded and started eating in silence again.

Changkyun ate without hunger. He had been feeling weird since Jooheon took off this afternoon and ran towards that soldier to help him. Maybe he had known Jooheon only for a week, but he was sure the soldier had feelings towards that man.

"Do..." Changkyun tried asking, but the food he had just ate stuck to his throat.

Jooheon looked at him with hope in his eyes, trying to prompt him to talk.

"Do you know the soldier you helped out?" He finally said, muttering the string of words without even pausing to breathe.

Jooheon half smiled but it looked completely fake.

"Yeah." He just said, and Changkyun hated him at that moment. Why couldn't he see that he wanted to know more?

His stare, defeated, went down to his bowl of rice but Jooheon's voice broke the short moment of mournfulness –and it could have ended up being a long moment, maybe even the whole night.

"Just ask it, Changkyun."


"No, don't hm me. Just fucking ask it."

Changkyun looked at Jooheon and flushed red at the deep stare of the older, but was brave enough to ask it.

"Do you like him?"

And Jooheon laughed.

"Like? Is that your question? If I like him?" He said with an incredulous voice.

Changkyun was ready to stand up but Jooheon took him by his shirt and put his butt back on the bench.

"I'll let you ask again, but this time don't fucking ask like a 4 year old boy."

Changkyun was really annoyed at Jooheon and just wanted to get away from him. He couldn't take the shame.

But he was ready to be brave again, until a voice crushed the whole thing.

"Can I sit here?" The soldier asked.

Changkyun was ready to:

1. Flip the table.

2. Punch him. Again.

3. Throw the bowl of steaming rice at his face.

But he did none of those things, he just sat there looking at how Jooheon was looking at the soldier.

"Hey, Kihyun, how are you?" Jooheon asked him.

So Kihyun was his name.

"Well, it hurts." He said shortly.

"Are you okay? You sound sad. " Jooheon asked him, voice concerned.

Kihyun shrugged his shoulders and the look on Jooheon's eyes broke all Changkyun's hopes.

The guy was really into Kihyun.

Changkyun stood up and without saying anything started to walk away, but Jooheon took him by the wrist. Changkyun rolled his eyes.

"You don't have to do that. I'm okay." He said with cynicism while sharply moving his wrist away from Jooheon's fingers.

The last thing Changkyun heard was Jooheon telling Kihyun that he'd be back in a moment.

Oh, hell no.

Changkyun started running, but he heard footsteps behind him.

Why would Jooheon follow him? Why couldn't he be alone? He was acting like a 5 year old, he was so damn embarassed he just wanted to be left alone until things cleared up and he and Jooheon could be back at being regular friends, none of the I'm-a-kiddo shit Changkyun was doing.

He took a sharp left and then a right to distract Jooheon, but the only thing Changkyun had in mind is to go to his bedroom.

Yeah, maybe Jooheon would think about that and find him there, a point where he could indeed corner Changkyun and ask what the fuck was going on, but Changkyun had a plan.

He started unbuttoning his jacket and pants while furiously opening the door, the echo of Jooheon's boots still a bit far away.

He had enough time.

Changkyun removed his jacket and pants and headed for the shower, tugging down at his boxers as he crossed the bathroom door, but Jooheon's fingers circled his wrist just before he took them off and pulled Changkyun to him.

"Where are you going?" Jooheon asked.

"Shower." Changkyun muttered, looking at Jooheon with a mix of embarrassment and anger in his eyes.

Jooheon's eyes moved down Changkyun's body, and Changkyun demanded his dick to not think about anything.

To not think about that stare.

To not think about that mouth.

To not think about those warm and strong fingers he had around his wrist and that he could have aroun–

"I don't like Kihyun." Jooheon suddenly said.

Changkyun nodded, but he didn't believe it.

"Believe me." 

The younger was surprised at how Jooheon had seemed to read his mind again, but he still had doubts.

"I don't believe you. I saw how you went after him when he was punched and then at dinner how you looked at him and everything!" Changkyun breathed deeply, trying to calm himself. "But that shouldn't matter to me. We have known each other just for 5 days, not even a week. You can fuck whoever you want."

"That's right." Jooheon told him.

"I know, okay! It's just..."


"It doesn't matter." Changkyun said and tried to get away from Jooheon, once again. But Jooheon wouldn't let him.

"Tell me." He told the younger.


"Changkyun, we don't have to always be like this. Talk to me."

"I..." Changkyun felt defeated. He had embarrassed himself enough already, so what would he lose? "I may like you."

Jooheon didn't seem surprised. In fact, he seemed to smile a bit, but the smile was quickly gone and in its place pure lust appeared on his eyes. 

Changkyun really hated this guy.

"What if I told you..." Jooheon started, licking his lips, "that I also like you?"

He took a step towards Changkyun, and the younger suddenly felt really small.

"But you already know that, right?" He kept talking, a smug smile painted on his face. "You already know how much I want to..." Jooheon moved his finger up and down Changkyun's wrist, making the younger's knees go weak with pleasure at the soft movement. "Fuck you."

The words were like bullets, and Changkyun's dick seemed to be ready to please Jooheon.

Jooheon took another step towards Changkyun and their mouths were millimeters apart.

"I'm going to do what you asked me yesterday."

And before Changkyun could think what he had asked him, Jooheon's mouth was on him.

Changkyun was reluctant at first. He wasn't sure if kissing him back was the proper thing to do, but when Jooheon's tongue slipped inside his mouth, the younger went crazy and couldn't think about being proper or not.

He just wanted Jooheon. Inside him.

Jooheon suddenly took a step back and looked at Changkyun deeply for a couple of seconds before muttering "I'm hungry. Let's continue this later, baby."

Chapter Text


Friday 21st, March | 11PM

I'm yet again writing this stupid journal, but this time it's with sadness. I'm writing because if I don't do it, the tears might consume me from within.

I haven't talked with Wonho today, I haven't even left my room. I feel sick. I feel like I'm dying, but of course I know I'm not. It's just the sadness. How can sadness end with your life? It literally leaves you breathless and without motivation. The only thing you want to do is cry, but if the sadness is pure and there's not a factor that sparks your emotions, you might end up feeling numb. No tears. Just numb.

That's why I'm writing, because after years of being someone that has had problems exteriorizing my feelings, I know for a fact that I need that spark. Or this momentary sadness could develop into something bigger. And I don't want that to happen again.

As I was saying, I haven't talked with my boyfriend today. That's right. He's still my boyfriend. But I'm not sure anymore if I want him to stay in my life.

What's the point? I just suffer.

Maybe I'm exaggerating because it has been a bad week, but maybe I'm not. He hasn't got over his fucking ex. I have been with him for six months and I still lose him at moments. He starts thinking deep and I know he's there, with her. I don't know her, but she has been present during our whole relationship and... It hurts. I'm hurt.

And now Kihyun. I've heard the news, yeah. Kihyun got hit by a sergeant because he put himself between the fist and Wonho.

Why. Would. He. Do. That. If. They. Aren't. Even. Together.

I'm not gonna lie to myself anymore. Kihyun and Wonho have something going on. I don't care if Wonho still loves me, there's something, and it has nothing to do with me.

But it has all to do with me.

Because I'm the one that hurts.

Because I'm the one that has to stay in his bedroom, sick from love.

Because I'm the one crying.

I'm crying for him. After six whole months, I'm finally crying for my boyfriend. Because he has hurt me. Because he has lied to me.

I'm tired of being his escape from his past. I'm not an object. I want the whole Wonho, not just the leftovers from his ex.

And now Kihyun.

I'm just the one that is always left behind.

I haven't even talked with much people on service because I was with him. Always with him. We didn't socialize much because... What was the point? We had each other. But then Kihyun arrived, and Wonho suddenly forgot me.

He suddenly had a new distraction.


I need to talk with him about this.

I need to set things straight.

And I don't care how. I don't care if I'm gonna set them with him.

Or all alone.

Fuck this journal I'm gonna sob into my pillow or they'll hear me.

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate being in love.

Chapter Text


Friday 21st, March | 10:30PM

Jooheon was waiting for Changkyun to get out of the bathroom so he could take a shower and calm his pounding heart.

The thing is, Jooheon wasn't the type of person to get nervous easily, but today had been a long day and the worst (or best) was yet to come.

Because he had promised Changkyun something, and he was going to keep his word.

It wasn't like he didn't want to fuck Changkyun, he really did, it was just that it felt strange. When Minhyuk had sucked his dick he felt like it was right, something that worked to relax both men, but that was it. No feelings. What scared Jooheon was that, maybe, the nervousness he was feeling in his stomach right now was because he felt something for Changkyun.

It couldn't be, right? They had known each other for so little, but yet...

The door opened and Changkyun crossed the door with a towel around his waist, his face flushed from the warm water. Jooheon's eyes went down his torso and legs, scanning the guy like it was the last day he would see him.

"Give me 5 minutes," Jooheon started saying with a croaky voice, "and I'll start making you scream."

He shut the door behind him and exhaled. Being a cocky guy wasn't always easy, but it was even harder when you had to fuck the hottest soldier on the whole Korean service.


10:45 PM

"I thought you said 5 minutes." Jooheon heard Changkyun's voice as soon as he opened the door, before even seeing him.

He pushed the door open and was surprised at the sight he had in front.

Changkyun was laying on Jooheon's bed only wearing his boxers, Jooheon's boxers, and stroking his already semi-hard dick.

Jooheon took a couple of seconds to take the situation in. Changkyun was teasing him.

Jooheon's dick twitched with desire and he licked his lips, thinking about everything he would do to the young soldier.

"Get up." He commanded.

Changkyun smiled conceitedly, shaking his head in negation.

Jooheon was surprised at Changkyun's attitude. Was he trying to dominate Jooheon? No way Jooheon would let him do that, but he was so turned on he was going to try how far would Changkyun take the dom attitude.

Jooheon moved towards Changkyun with a menaful pace. The towel around his waist threatened to fall at any moment, but that was the least of his problems.

When he was in front of Changkyun, he crouched so that their faces would be at a similar level, and took Changkyun by the hair, moving his head sharply to his. Their lips smashed and Jooheon kissed the younger with force.

"Don't play with me." He said with a threatening voice.

"Why?" Changkyun retorted, but his voice sounded softer.

"Because I want you to do everything I say."

Changkyun's eyes filled with lust at the older's words, and Jooheon saw how his hand started stroking his dick again. He smacked his hand away and moved on top of Changkyun, covering his whole body. He took Changkyun's hands and put them over his head, pinning them down so that the younger couldn't move.

Jooheon was only wearing a towel, but being on top of Changkyun was as if he was wearing nothing. He moved his hips a bit farther down until he felt Changkyun's dick and bit his lower lip, trying to muffle his moans.

Changkyun was the total opposite. He was moaning with force and Jooheon had to shush him a couple of times before putting his mouth on top of the younger so that the other soldiers wouldn't hear him.

"Changkyun," Jooheon said, mouth millimeters apart from the younger's, "you have to shut up. We haven't even started."

Changkyun's response was another moan, so Jooheon used his free hand to cover his mouth.

"Shut. Up." Jooheon growled, and Changkyun closed his eyes with pleasure at the older's voice.

Damn this kid is turned on, Jooheon thought with cockiness.

But he's all mine now, submissive, and it's time to make him scream even more.

"Changkyun," Jooheon said, "I'm going down. If you make any sound, I'll choke you." He teased the younger with his fingers, circling them around his neck and putting a bit of pressure. Changkyun swallowed but his dick jerked from the pleasure, so Jooheon took that as a 'hell yeah'.

He moved down, kissing Changkyun's torso on his way and biting him at times. Changkyun was only moaning softly, a sound that turned Jooheon on like nothing before. If Changkyun's deep voice made Jooheon go crazy on a regular basis, his moans were on another level. His dick hurt from the want, but he wanted to take things slowly. He wanted to tease his deep voiced boy.

Jooheon used his free hand to tug his boxers down, and Changkyun's dick sprang free from them. The tip looked red and glistened with pre-cum, and Jooheon moaned in want.

"Please." He hard Changkyun beg, and smiled with smugness.

"What did you say?"

"Please." Changkyun repeated, and Jooheon couldn't take it anymore. He moved his mouth down and licked Changkyun's dick from the base to the top, finally licking the pre-cum and then taking him whole. He gagged a bit when the tip touched his  throat, but he liked feeling and kept moving his mouth up and down Changkyun's dick while moaning softly.

Jooheon heard Changkyun's moans going louder and choked him lightly with his fingers. The younger's dick twitched, turned on, and Jooheon choked him a bit harder. Changkyun's body moved with pleasure and Jooheon thought he couldn't take it longer. He was so turned on by this guy and his deep ass moans and dick and everything.

He stood up sharply, took off his towel and tugged at Changkyun's hair, moving the younger's head towards his dick. 

"Your turn." He said before looking down at how Changkyun seemed to take in Jooheon's size. Jooheon tugged at Changkyun's hair and pushed his head until the younger took him whole. 

And he, basically, fucked his mouth.

Jooheon moved his hips with roughness, making Changkyun gag, but saw how the younger was stroking his own dick up and down. Jooheon looked up and bit his lip, trying to control his want to come in Changkyun's mouth.

But he wasn't expecting Changkyun's comment.

"Jooheon, you taste amazing."

And that was when he lost control and came in Changkyun's mouth, moaning soundly. Changkyun swallowed everything and Jooheon tugged once again at his hair, this time to push him up and kiss him deeply.

"Fuck me." He growled, still turned on even if he had already came.

Changkyun suddenly looked lost, as if he had never fucked a dude before, and Jooheon smiled conceitedly.

"Am I your first, kid?" He told him in between kisses.

Changkyun nodded shortly and his cheeks went red, but Jooheon took his face and, still kissing him, told him to calm down.

"I'll explain it to you tomorrow," he kissed him again, "now give me your dick again." And crouched in front of Changkyun, sucking him until the younger was near his orgasm. Soft and deep moans filled the room, and the mix of Changkyun's dick on his tongue and his growls was driving Jooheon crazy from pleasure.

"Where do you want to come?" Jooheon asked, taking Changkyun by surprise.

"Your," Changkyun moaned when Jooheon took him whole again, "face."

Jooheon smiled and kept licking and sucking his boy, until Changkyun's moans went higher and he moved so that he could come in his face.

Jooheon closed his eyes and felt the warm liquid on his face, his dick starting to harden again.

He felt Changkyun's warmth near him before the towel even touched his face to clean it. Changkyun cleaned it with softness, seeming afraid of breaking Jooheon.

Jooheon's heart started pounding, and not from the blowjobs.

"You are clean now." Changkyun said softly, his breath touching Jooheon's mouth, and the older opened his eyes to look at how close Changkyun was.

He could see every detail from the boy's face. His beautiful eyes, glowing with pleasure; his mouth, pink and bright, inviting him to kiss it again; his cheeks, flushed. His heart pounded even harder.

"You are beautiful." Jooheon said, and damned himself for saying it out loud.

Changkyun kissed him again and Jooheon kissed him back, feeling warmth all around his body. But he made a promise to himself.

From now on it was going to be just sex, not love.

But after this kiss.

Chapter Text


Monday 24th, March | 7AM

"Sergeant!" Minhyuk shouted, running after the big man.

"Sergeant!" He repeated, putting his hand on the sergeant's shoulder to turn him around.

Shownu looked at him, bewildered.

"What?" Minhyuk muttered moving his hand away from his superior. And that's when he realized. Shownu was his superior. He shouldn't run after him, he shouldn't scream his name ‒or his position‒, he shouldn't touch him. "Oh my god, sorry." Minhyuk said, hastily bowing to Shownu, but Shownu was shaking his head.

"Don't worry." He told Minhyuk. "I don't care about that."

Minhyuk frowned and tried to read Shownu's face to find what had puzzled him if it wasn't Minhyuk's disrespect.

"How did your first week go, private?" Shownu asked him.

"Good, good." Minhyuk tried to sound cheerful, but the situation was confusing him. Shownu's voice sounded off, and his manners were sluggish. It looked as if someone had possessed him, or as if he hadn't slept for days. "Yours?" He decided to ask.

Shownu's eyes suddenly filled with tears, but the sergeant looked up at the ceiling so that Minhyuk couldn't see them.

Too late.

"Oh my god, do you want to talk?" Minhyuk asked, forgetting about his position and manners. Shownu was crying, and Minhyuk couldn't accept someone crying in front of him without doing something to help the other person.

"No." Shownu said, and took a step back to get away from Minhyuk, but the private wouldn't accept that.

He needed something to hold the sergeant longer. He needed to surprise him.

"Why did you punch that soldier?" Minhyuk quickly asked, making Shownu's body freeze.

He had done it. Minhyuk didn't feel bad, because he knew that Shownu would talk now. And talking about it would help the sergeant.

Shownu turned around and looked hopelessly at Minhyuk's eyes.

"He said that my girlfriend was a whore."

Shownu's words and sincerity struck Minhyuk, and he suddenly felt a wave of rage at that soldier run through his body. How could he‒

"They were together before Wonho entered the service." Shownu's voice sounded flat, as if he felt nothing at all, but that tone indicated Minhyuk that the older guy indeed felt something. He felt rage, but rage wasn't something the sergeant was used to feel, so he concealed it with numbness.

Minhyuk looked at him, expectantly, until Shownu talked again.

"I told my gilfriend, and she... She hasn't been home since saturday night." The words felt like a blow to Minhyuk's heart. Even if he didn't know who the girl was, or didn't know much about the sergeant and the soldier, he felt Shownu's pain in his voice.

"Have you contacted the police?" He asked the older.

"No. I expect her to come home today or tomorrow, this isn't the first time she does this. I don't know where she goes, but she always returns."

"Then... Is there something else?" Minhyuk was curious, his heart beat furiously.

"Don't you know what happens this weekend?" The sergeant asked him.

"Not... Not really." Minhyuk frowned. "I never work the weekends."

He felt weird saying that since he had only worked for one week, but it wasn't a lie. In his contract it said that he had to work from Monday to Friday, no more.

"The soldiers can go home for two days." Shownu told him.

Minhyuk understood. His heart froze, and Shownu's eyes filled with tears once again.

"It won't happen." Minhyuk tried to tell the sergeant, but Shownu was already going away, shaking his head.

Minhyuk didn't take that as something personal, the sergeant was going away just to hide his tears. Minhyuk couldn't really help him more, so he let him go, his heart beating furiously at the situation his superior was experiencing.

When he turned his head, he saw Jooheon and Changkyun eating breakfast together, talking about something. Jooheon's hand was on the younger's soldier thigh, and Minhyuk felt his stomach turn.

Jooheon's eyes suddenly were on him, and Minhyuk impulsively decided to hold his stare to see how the soldier would react. He rested his back at the nearest column and kept looking at him.

Jooheon smirked, taking his hand away from the other soldier's leg and raising one eyebrow at Minhyuk.

Minhyuk kept staring at him, and Jooheon's stare got darker and darker as the seconds ticked by.

He suddenly got up, told Changkyun something, and started walking towards the door.

Minhyuk followed him.

Jooheon kept walking without looking back.

Minhyuk kept following him.

The soldier suddenly opened the door to one room, and when he got inside he stood motionless for a few seconds. But Minhyuk knew. He wanted Minhyuk to enter the room.

And the private complied.

Jooheon closed the door just as Minhyuk crossed it, trapping the private between his arms, back pressed against the door.

"What?" Jooheon asked him.

Minhyuk just looked at him, turned on by his aggressivity and growling voice.

"What?" Jooheon tried asking him again, but the private wouldn't talk. "Why were you looking at me like that?" His tone was weird, making it hard to decipher if he liked that Minhyuk had looked at him or not.

Minhyuk felt a bit of fear, suddenly realizing that maybe Jooheon was angry.

"I was searching for you." He said, the lie messily slipping from his tongue.

Jooheon smirked. "What for?"

Minhyuk felt trapped. His breathing was quick. He was turned on by Jooheon's presence but scared at his reaction at the same time.

"Be honest." Jooheon's voice dropped low and he moved closer to Minhyuk.

"I..." He tried, but Jooheon's hand started moving up his leg, and it was difficult to think like that.

"Hm?" Jooheon asked the private, head moving to the side.

Minhyuk looked at the soldier's mouth and felt the need to kiss it, to push his tongue inside it, to‒

And Jooheon did just that.

Minhyuk moaned loudly, and Jooheon pressed his fingers around his thigh, trying to make him shut up.

The bell went off, signaling the beginning of the day.

They had to go towards the track field now, but Jooheon trapped him with his thighs and shook his head, tsking.

"Not until I taste you." He said, voice deep, and Minhyuk couldn't say no to that.



They were 5 minutes late. Changkyun watched how the two of them arrived late.

He didn't look at Jooheon. He didn't say shit to his friend.

He just looked at Minhyuk.

And Minhyuk's heart froze at the stare.

Chapter Text


Monday 24th, March | 8PM

"What happened?" Hyungwon's voice startled Wonho.

The guy had cornered him against a wall, hands behind his head so he had nowhere to go. Wonho had been dreading this moment for the past week, since Hyungwon had stopped talking to him altogether and he... He had been too scared to do it. He felt guilty, he knew he had been acting wrong, but what could he do know?

"What do you mean?" He asked his... ex boyfriend? Boyfriend? He was just trying to make time, to stretch this moment a bit longer so that he could talk to Hyungwon and see his face so close to his. He felt bad, but he had missed Hyungwon, and every little moment he could spend with him, he was going to savour it.

"I mean last Friday. You and Kihyun," he basically spit his name, "the night you spent here together."

And Wonho's stomach suddenly dropped remembering that night. He swallowed.

"Hyungwon, I-"

Hyungwon moved away from him, the rage and despair painted clear on his face.

"Stop. I don't want to know."

"I can explain."

"Yeah, I know you can." The younger said, nodding vigorously, clearly lost.

"Hyungwon..." Wonho tried, a hand reaching for his face just to caress his cheek, but Hyungwon smacked it.

"We are over." He said, with a mix of venom and sadness on his voice.

"No." Wonho told him.

"No? NO? Are you for fucking real, Wonho?" Hyungwon's tone went up.

"I don't want to lose you." Wonho told him, voice broken.

"Huh. Then you shouldn't have done it."

"I can explain."

"You don't have to. I know what happened with Kihyun, okay? I heard two soldiers talk about it this morning. I fucking know how much you enjoyed the night. But hey, did you even consider that, at that moment, I was on my room, alone, suffering? I'm-" he stopped, shaking his head, "I was your boyfriend, Wonho. But Kihyun was better. I get it."

And he walked away from Wonho, tears falling from his eyes.



Wonho wanted a cigarette. He needed it. He needed to feel the smoke on his throat. He needed to have something to do, to distract his mind.

He was a mess.

He needed to fix everything. But it was hard.

He had messed up, and now everything had exploded in his face.

Because Hyungwon was his everything, and he had lost it. He deserved it, and he knew that, but one part of his heart would always belong to Hyungwon. The guy had been there when no one else had, he had loved Wonho with all his heart and mind and body and soul. He had lived for him. And Wonho had lived for Hyungwon too.

When nothing seemed to go right, Hyungwon was there to take his hand and guide him left.

When everyone had hated Wonho, Hyungwon was there to love him, to hold him, to kiss him. One kiss for every person that hated him.

Hyungwon had been his redemption, his everything.

But his lust had made him lose him, and Wonho knew it was going to be hard to get him back.

But he needed to try.

"Hey." A voice came from behind him, and Wonho turned to see Kihyun.

His heart started beating fast, and he cleaned the tears from his eyes, but Kihyun had seen them.

"Are you okay?" The black haired man asked, features concerned.

Wonho liked Kihyun, but that was it. He didn't love him. No. He was sure that his heart belonged to Hyungwon, it was just that his fucking dick sometimes thought by itself.

"Yes." He lied to Kihyun.

"Okay." Kihyun said, sitting next to him.

The silence seemed to stretch between the two men, making the moment cold and awkward.

"Go away." Wonho suddenly told him, and that seemed to confuse Kihyun. The short man looked at him.


"Because I want to be by myself." Wonho's words sounded strained.

"Something happened?" Kihyun could have gone away by now, but he kept trying.


"Tell me."


"Please." Kihyun pleaded.

"I. SAID. NO. OKAY?" Wonho's tone went really high, and Kihyun moved a hand over his mouth to quiet him down.

"Shut up, Wonho. They are going to find us." He told the older soldier, voice lower than before to try to calm down Wonho.

Wonho pushed Kihyun's hand away and moved a feet from the guy. He wasn't going to ask him how did he find him. He wasn't going to ask him why was he there. He wasn't going to ask him if he was enough, if he was the right guy to lose Hyungwon over.

"I want to be alone." He said, shoulders dropping.

"Do you really want to be alone?"

Wonho inhaled sharply, starting to feel annoyed at Kihyun.

"Yes." He said, controlling his exasperation.

"Okay." Kihyun said, starting to stand up, but he suddenly moved towards Wonho and kissed him.

Wonho stood motionless at first, but then he parted his soft lips and kissed Kihyun back. The kiss was soft and slow, just what he needed.

Because he needed the comfort, he needed someone to show him that he was loved.

But it wasn't Hyungwon, and, at that moment, something in Wonho's heart broke.

So he kissed Kihyun harder. Just like last Friday.

Chapter Text


Monday 24th, March | 11:15PM

He was kissing me again. His plump lips pressed against mine, and the warmth from his hands around my waist —pulling me against him— made my toes curl from pleasure.

I knew why he was doing this, I wasn't stupid. I knew that he needed the comfort, he needed someone to take the image of Hyungwon from his mind. And, for some reason, I didn't mind. At that moment, I didn't mind.

Because, at least, he was kissing me.

I could be his comfort.

I didn't expect anything else.

I. didn't.

We were seated, our hips touching and the sensation was great, but I felt brave enough to move on top of him, pushing him down until his back touched the floor. I put my knees around his legs so that our hips were aligned, and I kissed him harder, making the soft moment a little bit... better.

Wonho seemed to like it, his fingers now pressing hard on my legs and pulling me to him. He was so strong his pull made me fall on top of his chest, and before I could move away he had one arm circling my waist and pinning me down and the other all over my back, his hand touching my butt. 

I was trapped inside Wonho's big arms, my heart beating fast at the surreal image.

He kept kissing me, our kisses now more sloppy and passionate. His tongue moved across my lips, making me moan from the pleasure. He bit my lower lip to quiet me down and the hand he had at my butt moved, tugging at my pants to take them off.

His mouth moved down my throat, paving his way with kisses. He suddenly bit me, marking me, and softly pulled at my hair to move my head to the side so that he had more skin to mark.

The feel of his teeth and warm lips against my neck made me go crazy, losing control over my body and my moans. 

I loved how quiet he was in contrast with me. I loved how he seemed to know what he was doing. I loved how he had taken the dominative role.

Just when those thoughts were crossing my mind, Wonho flipped me so that my back was now touching the floor and he was on top of me, knees open. His bulge was showing through the military pants, so big it seemed as if it could rip the pants apart. I swallowed hard, suddenly afraid.

Wonho was the first guy I've ever kissed. Ever liked. Ever... fucked.

Not that I had already fucked him at that precise moment, but for some reasno I knew I was going to, and it scared me. Especially with his length.

He seemed to read my mind.

"Are you okay?" He asked me, voice croaky and full of lust.

Even his voice made my cock twitch.

I nodded, my throat suddenly closed with anxiety.

"If you want to stop we can stop." He said, tenderly caressing my cheek.

I shook my head and pulled him for a kiss, but he put his hands on my chest and looked me deep in the eyes.

"Is this your first time?" He said with a face that, to me, looked like a mix of 'boy i'm excited' and 'poor kid'.

I tried to go for the smug answer and smirked, but his deep stare made my smirk fade into a straight line of worry.

I decided to be sincere.

"With a guy, yes." 

Maybe it was my own nerves, maybe it was the darkness, but I swear I saw his dick grow at my statement. And his smile.

He cut the distance between our mouths and kissed me, now a bit more gently, but his hand was quickly on top of my dick, caressing it.

"I'll help you." His breath was hot against my lips, and his words made the temperature around us go up.

I hadn't been that turned out since... No, wait. Never. Wonho was making my whole world spin with his words, voice, face, everything.

His hands moved and freed me from my pants, leaving me in my shirt and boxers. The cold wind made the hair of my legs stand up, but his warm hands quickly covered my thighs, pressing slightly.

Every movement he made was followed by a deep kiss, his mouth hungry for me, something that created very vivid images in my head. I imagined his mouth on my chest, going down, down, down-

I didn't have to imagine anything else, because Wonho went down on me.

He pulled my shirt up my head, leaving me in my boxers only. He started kissing my neck again, then going down towards my chest, his kisses soft and warm against my cold skin. When he got to my boxers, he did the unexpected: he recreated one of my fantasies, something no one had done before. He bit them and pulled them down with his mouth, his lips really really softly caressing my dick, making it even harder.

I moaned harder than I expected, and one of his hands quickly went to my mouth. He was a quiet partner, but I liked that. I was noisy, so he balanced me.

And then he took me whole in his mouth, quick. I bit into his palm, trying to keep the moan low. Oh man was he good. He was really, really good. His mouth moved up and down, his tongue swiftly moving along the lenght of my dick, making my legs go weak. Thank god I was laying on my back, or I would have fallen down from the pleasure.

I suddenly tensed when one of his fingers started to roam around my ass, slightly pushing inside me.

I got up, afraid. But Wonho, with his hand still on my mouth, pushed me back down on the floor.

"Relax, babe." He said with a croaky voice, and took my dick back in his mouth, making me forget about the finger on my ass for one second.

But then he tried to push inside me again, and I got nervous.

Just relax, Kihyun. Relax.

I relaxed.

And he went deeper. And deeper. Until...


I moaned loud when he touched one spot, and when I thought he was done he did it again. And again.

I saw black from the pleasure, my eyes closing and my hips moving up instinctively.

"You want it, huh?" I heard him say, the first smuggy sentence coming out of his mouth. And it turned me on, a lot.

I nodded really quick, because he went once again for the spot. I hated and loved him at the same time at that moment. How did he know how to please me that much? I hadn't felt that much pleasure ever in my life. I-

My thoughts were interrupted when he moved on top of me again, his face coming close to mine and kissing me.

"I want you to tell me if it hurts, okay?" He said with the softest voice ever, and my insides went soft at him.

The he took his shirt off. And his pants off. And my dick went hard at him. His looked like a Greek god.

He kissed me again, our completely naked bodies touching. I felt like I was going to evaporate from the warmth his body irradiated.

He pushed my legs up, and fingered me again... To stretch it, I guessed. I wasn't an expert.

Oh, man, it felt good. I didn't want him to stop, but then he moved and pushed me hard —making me get up— and took my neck with his hand, pulling me down towards his dick.

I wasn't an expert in this, either, but I did it. And he tasted great.

He didn't let me do it for more than one minute, though, but it was a minute of pure bliss. He was big in my mouth, and he moaned softly, a sound that made me go crazy. 

But then he pushed me down again, moved my legs up and...

"Oh, man." I screamed when he went in, my eyes going up my head from the pleasure.

And he fucked me. Just like that, a dude was fucking me.

And it was the best thing I had ever experienced.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly, going down for a kiss. I simply nodded, and he thrusted deeper.

Our mouths were millimeters apart, our lips touching. Whenever I moaned, Wonho kissed me.

His thrusts went quicker as the time passed, and my moans higher.

"Oh baby, I'm coming." He said, my dick going hard at his voice.

This time I pulled him down for a kiss, my tongue moving deep inside his mouth and my hand grabbing his butt, keeping his dick deep inside me. That's what undid him, and he came. All over my body. He was sweating from the motion, his muscles shining under the street lamp. He bit his lower lip as he came over me, the sight making me even hornier.

A spark of bravery grew inside me, because I took Wonho's head and pushed him down on me. I saw how his smirk grew as he took me in his mouth, seeming to like my cockiness.

His warm and wet tongue, mixed with the view I had —him— and how horny I already was made me come quickly, and I swiftly moved out of his mouth to come on the floor.

The world seemed to stop for a few seconds, the only thing I could hear were my breathing and my soft moans, and then I felt a hand on my cheek, Wonho slightly turning my head to kiss me.

"Thank you." He told me.

And my heart broke. Because, at that moment, I remembered.

I was just his replacement, I was just his toy. Even if I had repeated to myself that I didn't mind, I did mind.

The blissful moment I just had suddenly broke into a tiny million pieces, just like my heart.

Chapter Text


Friday 28th, March | 5PM

He had been keeping an eye on Wonho this whole week. He had seen how the soldier looked sadder as the days passed and tried to isolate himself, but Shownu didn't care about his feelings. He was only interested because he was scared. In 2 hours, the soldiers could go home, and...

Shownu didn't want to think about it, but Dayeon had been distant lately. He had tried to be as soft as possible with her, taking into account her past and how she was a really sensitive person, but there was no point. After disappearing for a few days and then telling him that she had needed the space and had gone to her parents' house —without an actual reason, the sergeant was one hundred percent sure he hadn't done anything to make her escape like that—, Shownu found it hard to actually trust her.

Well, it wasn't her her, but rather her head which could make her act impulsively when he least expected it. And the image of her being with Shownu while she was still with her past boyfriend —erm, Wonho—, making her a clear cheater, kept repeating on his head, transforming it into a nightmate and an obsession. Her silence, then, was like gasoline to his anxious spark, making it into a whole fire that consumed him from within out.

He commanded the soldiers around, explaining them what today's friday mission was about. They had to run around carrying heavy bags, then crawl through a really tiny space full of dust that actually made it hard to breathe, swim... It was a whole experience, but the most experienced soldiers had to do it. This type of exercises were Shownu's favorites when he was in their position, so he hoped they would have fun with his creation.

He was a good sergeant, that was for sure, but today he was excelling at it, only because it kept his mind off of his own problems. Better to think about making the soldiers skin break and coat them in sweat than to think about Dayeon and Won—

No. He had to stop.

He was going to take Dayeon out this weekend, he was going to solve their problem. They loved eachother, so it wouldn't be that difficult.

It wouldn't.

It shouldn't.



He put the key inside the lock and turned it around, opening the door softly. His heart beat furiously inside his chest and he felt a knot in his throat, making it hard to breathe. Shownu was a calm man, but anything related to Dayeon made him go crazy. 

"Hello?" He asked when he only saw darkness inside the house.

His stomach turned over.

No. Not again. She couldn't be gone again. No.

Then he heard a whimper, and he ran upstairs as fast as he could, nearly falling over because of his shaking legs.

He opened the door to their bedroom and found Dayeon seated on the bed, knees to her chest, big tears going down her face.

"Baby." Shownu whispered and ran towards her, moving her towards his chest. "Baby, what's wrong?"

Her sobs grew and Shownu felt the tears in his own eyes.

"Baby, please tell me." He said, swallowing hard so she wouldn't know he was on the verge of tears too.

"I'm... scared." She muttered softly, so softly Shownu thought he had heard wrong. 

But no, it sounded exactly like Dayeon.

And that broke his heart even more.

"You don't have to be scared, okay?" He said, his hand caressing her soft hair. "I'm here."

Dayeon sobbed at that, but Shownu decided to just get quiet and let her calm down. He moved down until both of them were laying on the bed, Dayeon's head on his chest and his big hand covering her forehead, the other hand caressing her hair.

He wrapped his girl with his arms, his princess, his whole life.



Shownu opened his eyes and saw that both of them were still laying in the same position, Dayeon breathing profoundly on his chest with her little hand on his waist. He moved his head down gently and kissed his forehead, trying not to wake her up, but the girl stirred as soon as he touched her skin.

"Sorry." He said quietly.

Dayeon shook her head and took Shownu's face in her hands, moving it down to kiss him on the lips. The kiss was soft and subtle, but it was what Shownu needed to completely wake him up.

He put his hands on Dayeon's hips and moved her on top of him, his favorite position. He put his hand on Dayeon's neck and pulled her down to kiss her deeply.

He forgot all about his problems, all his insecurities. He had Dayeon on top of him and he was tasting her lips. There wasn't anything that could wreck this moment.

Dayeon bit his lower lip while running her hands over Shownu's chest.

"I want it off." She said, pulling at his white shirt.

Shownu obeyed.

"I want this off too." She said, now tugging at his jeans.

Shownu moved out of the bed and obeyed her, again.

"Come here." She signaled him with a finger, and Shownu moved to the side of the bed, standing, while Dayeon approached him on all fours.

"Don't you have to go to work, babe?" He asked her just as she was pulling down his boxers.

"Not yet." She said, and as soon as her fingers touched Shownu's hardness, his mind forgot about her work too.

She was so good, so freaking good.

He looked down and saw her butt up, he didn't know when she had taken off her pants, but now she was only wearing her panties and a big t-shirt. The sight turned him on even more.

She wasn't only good, she was good and hot.

Dayeon's head moved closer to Shownu and she took him in. Shownu's eyes rolled over from the pleasure.

He had the best girlfriend ever. Not because she was beautiful, not because she was so good in bed, not because she was so intelligent, not because she was kind, not because she was the best girl he had ever met.

Well, actually, yes it was because of that.

"I love you."

Dayeon just looked up and smiled.


Saturday 29th, 3AM

Shownu rolled over in bed and found it empty. She was gone to work, but on her spot was a crumbled paper.

He took it. It had Dayeon's rushed writing and it was short.

But clear.


Chapter Text


Friday 28th, March | 8PM

Changkyun was packing his belongings slowly. He hadn't brought much stuff, not because he didn't want to, but because the rules were strict about what to carry with you to service and what not. So he just had a few books, one casual t-shirt, a pair of jeans and a more formal shirt that he always wore with the jacket his dad had given him when he was only 15. It was like a treasure for him. Apart from that, he only had his toothbrush and some more toiletries that he just threw at his bag, but the shampoo bottle fell to the floor and splashed flowery liquid everywhere.

"Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?" He heard Jooheon asking.

Changkyun flushed red and tried to run back to the bathroom, but he still heard Jooheon's voice from there.

"Seriously, are you okay?" He sounded more concerned than furious now.

Changkyun didn't know if he wanted him to go away or keep with the questions. Because no, Changkyun wasn't okay. And the only reason he wasn't okay was Jooheon.

"Dude, answer me." Jooheon's voice sounded really close now, and Changkyun turned and saw him standing with his arms crossed at the bathrooms' threshold.

"I'm okay." Changkyun muttered really low.


"I said that I'm okay." He said, this time louder.

"I don't believe you." Jooheon frowned.

"Do whatever you fucking want." Changkyun didn't like being this rude to him, but it was what his body craved, it was as if it needed to let Jooheon know that he was mad.

"Hey!" Jooheon shouted, approaching the younger soldier. Changkyun took a step back, a bit scared at his friend's reaction. "Why are you like this lately?"

They were a few feet apart, but Changkyun could see the confusion in Jooheon's eyes.

"It's nothing." He told the older.

"Yeah, well, then your usual self is this one? Not the Changkyun I met two weeks ago?"

Changkyun frowned at Jooheon, his stare sending daggers to the black haired man.


"'No', what?"

"This is not my usual self." He didn't know why he was specifying that, but something inside him needed to let Jooheon know that he usually wasn't like that. Just like before, his body was talking for him.

"Then what's wrong with you?" Jooheon took another step closer.

Jooheon's voice sounded cold for him, and Changkyun realized that he didn't actually know the guy. He didn't know anything about him, nothing about his life, his hobbies... Nothing. Of course they had talked before, but it was always trivial information or Changkyun talking. Jooheon was a mystery for him.

But he liked the mystery guy, he had fallen hard for him, even if he didn't know about his past, his present or his future. He just liked him.

And that was what was driving him crazy lately. The fact that he had fallen in love with a guy that liked to suck the private's cock from time to time. The guy that flirted with everyone. The guy that was so aggressive other men in the service were afraid to approach him.

That past monday they had been talking during breakfast and Jooheon had seemed relaxed by his side, he even touched Changkyun's thigh and the younger soldier had thought that maybe, just maybe, Jooheon felt something for him too. But then Changkyun moved his stare from Jooheon's hand to his face and saw that the guy was actually staring at the private. And then he was gone. And then both of them returned together, five minutes late to the class.

He knew what had happened.

"Leave me alone." Changkyun looked at Jooheon's eyes with rage.

He knew he was acting like a possessive little shit, but he didn't care. They would be away for two whole days, so when he returned back he could talk with Jooheon. More relaxed.

He needed this weekend to clear his mind, he needed to hang out with his friends and maybe hook up with another guy.

He needed to forget Jooheon.

Changkyun walked away from Jooheon, leaving the soldier alone in the bathroom, and resumed the packing.

But of course Jooheon wasn't done.

"Please talk to me." His voice sounded weak now, and Changkyun's heart went soft for him. "Did I do something wrong?"

The younger soldier closed his eyes hard and tried to inhale and exhale once before turning and answering him. He had to be precise with his words.

"Do you think you did something wrong?"

"Every day." Jooheon was quick to answer, and Changkyun's heart went from soft to broken at Jooheon's lost voice. He turned and saw that the guy was looking at the floor, hands in his pockets.

Changkyun couldn't be mad at him anymore, so he did what he would have wanted Jooheon to do if he had been in the same situation. He walked towards his friend and hugged him.

His heart was beating fast, afraid to be rejected by the older, but Jooheon's arms went around Changkyuns neck and the two of them stayed like that for some seconds. Their quick breathing slowly calmed down. Changkyun had hugged him to show some warmth and support, but right now it was Jooheon the one hugging Changkyun harder and warming up the young soldier's heart.

Jooheon was showing a side of him that Changkyun didn't know existed. Well, he had hoped it existed, but taking into account his friend's aggressive and flirty behaviour, it was hard to think that maybe, maybe, Jooheon was a softy.

He was.

And Changkyun smiled at that.

But then Jooheon moved back, and the young soldier saw that he was crying.

"Hey." He told Jooheon, his hands moving quickly to hold his face. "What's wrong?" He asked softly.

"I..." Jooheon tried to talk, but shook his head when the sobs prevented him from talking.

Changkyun didn't know why, it was pure impulse, but he moved his head and kissed Jooheon lightly on the lips.

Jooheon kissed him back, his tears stopping.

It was just a soft and quick kiss, but it seemed to cheer Jooheon up a bit. He wasn't laughing all of the sudden, the kiss wasn't a magic pill, but his breathing was now more peaceful and he could actually look at Changkyun's eyes with his trademark light that made Changkyun go crazy.

He wasn't smiling, but the young soldier knew he had acted right.

So he went for another kiss.

And Jooheon kissed him back again, this time moving his hands to his waist.

"Talk to me." Changkyun told him, their faces millimeters apart.

"Just like you talk to me?" Jooheon joked, and Changkyun couldn't help it but smile.

Jooheon smiled back, a big, beautiful smile that made Changkyun's heart flutter.

He was so in love with the guy. 

"Let's do something." Jooheon told him, his hand moving to caress Changkyun's face, a soft movement that made the young guy's heart beat faster. "You tell me what's wrong with you, and I'll tell you what's wrong with me."

"Why don't we just skip that and do like nothing happened?" Changkyun tried to move away, now afraid at being sincere with Jooheon, but the older guy pulled him towards him by the hem of the shirt.

"No. I want us to get closer." 

The words were simple and they didn't have to mean anything, but Changkyun felt his legs go weak at Jooheon's interest in him.

"Okay." He said, voice grave. "But you go first."

Jooheon smiled playfully, but the smile lasted for just a couple of seconds before he was serious again.

"Okay." He coughed, as if trying to make his voice clear. "I... You know about this weekend, right?"

Changkyun nodded, confused because they both had been clearly packing their things until this had started.

"Well..." Jooheon sighed soundly. "I have nowhere to go."

Changkyun's heart stopped. "What?"

"I was planning on staying at a hotel near here... Or just don't go. Some soldiers are staying here too s-"

"Come with me."


Changkyun inhaled deeply before saying the words again. "Come with me."

Jooheon looked at him frowning.

"Don't stay at any hotel. Come with me." Changkyun's throat was closed from the anxiety, but he actually wanted Jooheon to have a nice weekend. The image of him isolated by himself in a hotel room had broken his heart, so he had told him the first thing that had come to his mind. But now, as the seconds ticked by, he knew it was a good idea.

Yeah, maybe some minutes ago Changkyun had been waiting impatiently for the moment to get away from Jooheon to forget him, but he didn't want the older to be... alone. Sad.

"I don't know..." Jooheon muttered, looking down at the floor.

Is he... shy? Him?

"I mean it." Changkyun told him.

"You don't even know why I don't have nowhere to go." Jooheon's stare went up to Changkyun's eyes.

"Well, good thing we have two whole days where you can explain it to me."

"I may be dangerous."

"I'm sure you aren't."

"I am." Jooheon's face approached his.

"Not to me."

"I wreck people's lives." Jooheon was talking now in a whisper.

"The only thing you have wrecked is my heart." Changkyun muttered softly, and his face instantly flushed red.

"What?" Jooheon asked him, frowning.

Changkyun was at a loss for words. "I-"

Jooheon was looking at every inch of his face now, stripping his feelings naked with his stare.

Changkyun sighed and, looking down at the floor and terrified, his heart beating faster than ever, decided to tell him the truth.

"I'm in love with you."

Chapter Text


Unknown date

Today I'm writing from a computer because my thoughts are so quick I don't think I could write them down as soon as they come to my mind. Typing is the fastest way, and I want to finally let everything out and move on.

Today I received a call at 5 in the morning, and I knew who it was. I knew it from the moment the first buzz of my mobile phone echoed around my small room at my parents' house.

I shouldn't have been awake at that time, but we all know how hard it is for me to fall sleep when my head can't shut up. You know, that times when you try to go to sleep and force yourself to do it but it's nonsense, because your mind has other plans for you. People think it's easy and that you could really press yourself to do it, but it's not that easy. I wish it was, but insomnia doens't work like that.

Whatever, I keep rambling on. I was talking about the call, right. So after a few buzzes, no sound coming out of that little piece of crap also known as mobile phone (because I had it in silent mode. Remember, it was 5am), I picked it up. I swear at that moment I just wanted to run to the toilet and puke from all the anxiety that was forming in my stomach. My insides actually hurt from the panic attack I was experiencing, because my mind was rilling with really bad images of what could be happening to him.

But I didn't talk, I just listened.

And I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I had just left the mobile phone buzzing and buzzing. I wish I hadn't heard what I heard.

But he did it, he had the guts to do that to me, and now here I am.




My mind is suddenly blank. I know I said that I'm typing because my thoughts are quicker than my fingers, but now... Actually remembering it... The sounds he made... I don't have any words to describe how I'm feeling.

Well, maybe one: betrayed.

Chapter Text


Friday 28th, March | 9:30PM

"Mom, I told you, he's a good guy." Jooheon heard Changkyun mutter through the phone for the hundredth time that night, and even though the situation seemed comical for him, he couldn't smile. Not when he felt as if he was putting his friend in a bad situation by basically inviting himself to his house. Not that he had actually invited himself, Changkyun was the one that had done it, but he didn't put enough resistance because, truth be told, he wanted to meet Changkyun's parents. He wanted to feel like a regular guy going to his friend's house. He wanted to stop feeling lost.

"Eveything alright?" Jooheon asked his friend when he had hung up.

"Yes, just my mom being the noisy queen she usually is." He half smirked, and Jooheon relaxed slightly. If Changkyun was so near to an actual smile, that must mean there wasn't anything troubling him. They may have known each other for just some weeks, but Jooheon knew how grumpy the young soldier got whenever something was stressing him, even if it was a small thing. He tended to make problems a lot bigger than they were, but Jooheon understood. After all, hidden behind the mask of constant smugness, he was just like that.

"I..." He started, trying to go back to the moment they had in the bedroom before Changkyun decided to rush and get out of there or they would "lose the train." That's what he had said, but Jooheon knew the reality: he had gotten stressed, once again, and had tried to dodge the subject. Jooheon had shut his mouth then, but he wanted to go there again. "I need to tell you something, Changkyun."

The young soldier moved his head up from the train's floor and looked at Jooheon's eyes. "Hm?"

Jooheon looked at his friend. Actually looked at him, taking in his beauty. Changkyun's expression slowly changed from curiosity to nervousness, and Jooheon moved from his seat to the one in fron of Changkyun's and took his face in his hands.

"I don't want to hurt you." The words tasted weird in his mouth. He wasn't used to saying things like that. He was used to the contrary, to actually being the one hurting others just because he didn't know how to handle relationships of any kind with other people. But he cared about Changkyun, and he had to be honest. "I may hurt you."

Changkyun roughly moved away from his hands with a dark expression.

"I already told you: I don't care." He said, and Jooheon quickly opened his mouth to answer him but Changkyun quieted him down by putting his hand over his mouth. "No. Don't tell me once again the same things. I trust you. I like you. I told you before, okay? And anything you tell me, anything about how bad you are or how dangerous you are won't make those feelings disappear."

Jooheon grunted. "I actually mean it. I may hurt you, Changkyun. No, wait, I am going to hurt you. I'm bad at relationships."

"Who said we were going to start a rela-"

"Stop." Now it was Jooheon the one that put the hand over Changkyun's mouth, and both of them nervously laughed at the movement. "I didn't mean you and I were going to be a happy couple that kiss every two minutes and hold their hands while some shitty romantic song plays in the background. I meant that you and I are something, we have our friendship and our whatever it is... And I don't want to lose it, but most importantly I don't want you to be hurt."

"Why do you say that so much?" Changkyun asked, curiosity painted in his eyes.

Jooheon just sighed.

"Tell me." The young soldier pressed him.

Jooheon's eyes moved straight into Changkyun's, and the deep stare made the younger's heart stop. Jooheon had a strong presence, that was for sure.

"My whole life... I have always lost the people I love. They never stay. Or maybe I'm the one that doesn't know how to stay. I make friends but they don't last, I trust people and they just go away... And I always end up alone." Jooheon's face looked different now, more vulnerable. Changkyun felt soft towards his friend, and moved slightly, softly taking Jooheon's rough hands between his. "And I shouldn't be telling you this, because I'm pretty sure I'll do something that will make you mad and you will go, like everyone else does."

The last words sounded strained, as if it was difficult for him to say them aloud.

"I won't go."


"I won-"

"I said 'no', okay? You may feel something for me just as I do, but you don't know what will happen in the future. Don't promise me you'll stay, because I'm the one that won't want you to stay if I don't deserve it."

Both men were breathing hard now.

"I... I don't know what to say." Changkyun said after one minute of full silence.

Jooheon moved back, his back resting against the hard seat of the train, and pushed his hand through his black hair.

"Don't say anything." He looked through the window and then back towards Changkyun, catching him checking his legs out. He smirked but decided not to comment on it. The conversation was too serious to play with the kid. "Let's just enjoy this weekend, okay?"

Changkyun nodded and softly smiled. Jooheon smiled back, and Changkyun's smile got even bigger, making Jooheon's one stretch even more, until both of them were laughing.

Jooheon moved towards Changkyun, took his face between his hands and kissed him. Deeply.

"I can't tell you that I love you back, yet. But I sure as hell like you a lot, boy." He said, looking at Changkyun profoundly before kissing him back.



"Come in, come in!" A deep male voice shouted over the fence at them.

Changkyun quickly moved towards the big white door and signaled Jooheon to do the same. Everything wouldn't be so rushed if it hadn't been raining like hell, but the weather had decided to go against them that night. Back in the train, they had been making plans about going to Changkyun's roof that night and drink until they couldn't walk straight, but theirs plans had gone to waste when the drops had started falling against the train's windows.

Jooheon closed the door behind him and was welcomed by three unknown people.

"This is my mom, my dad and my older brother. And this is Jooheon." Changkyun awkwardly said.

The dad was the first to talk, hugging Jooheon and quickly taking him around the big -really big- house showing him where everything was. He was warm and welcome, making Jooheon feel a little bit less nervous about the whole thing.

"Have you eaten, boy?" He asked when the tour ended. Jooheon just shook his head. "You should have told me before. We have some leftovers in the fridge, I'll fix you and my boy something."

Jooheon merely smiled, his heart clenched at how kind Changkyun's dad was with him. He wasn't used at being treated like that, and he loved it. He wouldn't accept it out loud, but he loved it when someone treated him as if he was a kid.

Both of them ate and talked with Changkyun's family, and even though Jooheon had felt a bit nervous at the beginning, he quickly loosened himself and started talking.

"And what do you do, Jooheon?" Changkyun's mom asked, and Jooheon felt a bit attacked by her tone.

"I..." He started, but Changkyun touched his wrist to stop him.

"Mom, your tone. Don't make him nervous." He chastised his mom, and Jooheon felt bad.

"No, no, don't worry Changkyun." His mom seemed to approve Jooheon's comment, because she nodded slightly and looked at the guy with interest again. "I'm studying right now." She opened her eyes with more interest, and it was the dad's turn to ask what did he study. "Music." Jooheon answered.

Silence spread around the table and Jooheon suddenly felt uncomfortable. He sipped his water, trying to think if he had said something that could have been disrespectful.

"That's great, Jooheon." Changkyun's dad finally said with a forced smile, but he quickly got up and said he was going to sleep. The whole family followed, leaving just Jooheon and Changkyun at the table.

"I... Did I say something bad?" Jooheon whispered to his friend.

Changkyun looked at him with sadness.

"No, Jooheon... Sorry. Music is a touchy subject in this family. My uncle died a couple of months ago and he was a music producer."

"I'm sorry." Jooheon merely said, touching his friend's shoulder.

Changkyun shrugged it off. "Don't worry, really. Let's go up, it's late."

Jooheon nodded, still feeling bad, but followed his friend. When they were walking up the stairs towards their bedrooms, the mournful silence surrounding them, Changkyun touched Jooheon's arm and made him stop. "Please, don't feel bad, okay?" Jooheon nodded again and tried to walk back up, but Changkyun's hand was still pressed hard in Jooheon's arm. "I don't want you to be like this, let's have some fun."

Changkyun's smirk was feral now, and Jooheon smirked back.

"What do you have in mind, baby boy?" He moved his hand towards Changkyun's neck, slightly caressing it with one finger.

But Changkyun slapped it away, laughing. "Not that kind of fun!" He looked around, afraid to be seen by his family, Jooheon guessed. "Let's go to the attic."

"It's raining."

"Do you care?"

Jooheon simply smiled, and they went up.