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A Tabloid Affair

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Extract from The Mirror, Issue 217, published November 10th 2018:

Readers, it’s that time of year again! Once a year, we here at The Mirror gather in a top-secret location in order to decide who is deserving of that most ultimate prize-The Mirror’s annual ‘Bachelor of the Year’ award. Marks are given for charm, humor, and (call us shallow if you must) looks. We take this very seriously, and so, without further ado, we present our Bachelor of the Year! (And, for your viewing pleasuring, the first four runner-ups.)

In first place: DEREK HALE

It was close, readers, but in the end it was clear to us all who deserved the crown. Not only did Derek Hale hit a record breaking 65 home runs for the New York Yankees (the most anyone ever has if we discount those who have been accused of substance abuse) this season, the guy almost makes us wish we could quit our jobs just so we could spend more hours of the day staring at him. Seriously. He has the body of a Greek god, stubble so ruggedly handsome we wouldn’t mind the beard burn, and an annoying habit of being photographed doing volunteer work at his local animal shelter. He also has quite possibly the most swoon-worthy grin we’ve ever seen, apparently makes a mean Bolognese, and… sorry, we just got lost in his eyes. Notoriously paparazzi shy, we don’t actually have any photographic evidence of him going on any dates (disregarding the time some too eager journalists caught him on a lunch date with his sister, Laura, and jumped to some unfounded conclusions) so we’re assuming he’s single-and hopefully ready to mingle. What are you waiting for ladies?

Runner up: STILES STILINSKI

Stiles, who we here at The Mirror actually had the pleasure of interviewing earlier this year, lost out to Derek by an incredibly slim margin (seriously, we took a secret ballot with an impartial judge to make sure there was no funny business). The guy’s unbelievably nice (and humble!), and despite losing out on the Oscar this year for his latest blockbuster, if he keeps going the way he is more nominations are sure to follow. He’s cute, quirky, and is commonly seen in company with his best friend from “since before we could talk” Scott McCall, America’s ‘hero vet’ who made the news earlier this year (who only didn’t make this list due to the fact that he’s regrettably taken. We can forgive him though, since his love story with his high school sweetheart, Allison Argent, is just so darn cute). Stiles, who is openly bisexual, has been an advocate for LGTBQ rights since before coming out, possesses a wickedly cute smile, and plays the drums. Who doesn’t love a musician? We’ll be honest with you, readers; Stiles stole our hearts when he co-starred with Ryan Gosling in his first movie when he was 19, and while he was adorable then, like a fine wine, he’s only gotten better with age. Plus, we can confirm that those good genes run in the family-his date to this year’s Oscars ceremony was none other than his dad. Let’s just say if we had a hot dad award, Sheriff Stilinski would win it, no contest.

***

“Stiles! Stiles!” Scott realizes he’s being a bit of a pubic disturbance banging at Stiles’ door this early on a Sunday, but hey, most of the other residents on Stiles’ street are still so much in awe of their famous neighbor that they’re pretty lenient when it comes to the ridiculous amounts of noise the two of them make whenever Scott comes over. It’s not like they intend to disturb the peace, but some things are worth getting excited about-case in point, when your best bud gets voted runner up in some tabloid’s bachelor of the year competition, if you’re not teasing the crap out of him within half an hour, something is seriously wrong with you.

Scott pauses in his knocking when he hears muffled cursing approaching the door, and has his copy of The Mirror held up and ready to use as a defense mechanism if Stiles isn’t in a forgiving mood. Being a famous actor has left Stiles even more protective of his free mornings than he was in high school.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Stiles starts speaking before he finishes flinging the front door open. “Do you even realize what time-oh, hey man, what’s up?”

Scott grins to himself. It seems he’s in luck. Pushing past Stiles on his way to the kitchen, he calls over his shoulder, “I’m assuming you haven’t seen this month’s Mirror yet, but I’ll be kind and let you have your coffee first before springing the news on you.”

The Mirror? Scott, you know I don’t read any of that crap.” Stiles says, exasperated. “I know I did that interview with them once, but I prefer to get my news from sources that aren’t so concerned with who’s sleeping with who and finding new ways to please your man.”

Scott watches as Stiles starts his ludicrously overpriced coffee machine as he waits for the opportune moment. Despite all the ribbing he gives his friend, Scott is ridiculously proud of everything Stiles has achieved-the Oscar nomination, getting out of their small town and making a name for himself, the works. Stiles may joke that Scott is the famous one of the two of them (his vet practice has been getting more business since CNN aired those pictures of him saving next door’s Labrador from the floods in March) but Scott has seen Stiles’ fans-they take admiration to the next level. Someone has to keep him humble though, and Scott is happy to shoulder that particular burden. He waits until Stiles has taken his first mouthful before making his announcement.

“Well, you’ll be changing your tune soon enough, my friend, because you were just awarded second place in their bachelor of the year competition.” Scott gets his gratifying spit take as Stiles grabs for the magazine.

“Wait, what? Bachelor of the…? But I’m not even sing-” He trails off, scanning the article.

“They even mention your dad, man!” Scott laughs. “Well played, bringing him to the Oscars, he seems to have opened you up to a whole new fan base. Seems even your ‘wickedly cute smile’ doesn’t win people over like the Sheriff does.”

Stiles groans. “Don’t remind me. Even my agent has the hots for him, I swear, and he just laps up all the attention and tells embarrassing high school stories about me every chance he gets.”

“Runner up though?” Scott asks. “That must sting. Although even I have to admit I’d probably pick Derek Hale over you, watching him play baseball is like a religious experience.”

“Wait, Derek Hale won? No way. Oh, that is…”

Suddenly a toilet flushes upstairs, and Stiles freezes, flushing.

“Hang on,” Scott says slowly. “Was that...You sly dog! Did you have someone over last night?”

“No, Scott, that’s just a murderous psychopath who’s flushing the toilet to announce his presence to us!”

“You did!” Scott’s grin is spreading across his face. “All this time I’ve been teasing you for being voted a bachelor of the year, and you’re not even single!”

Scott has known Stiles long enough to know that he doesn’t really do one-night stands. Still, if he hasn’t introduced this new guy or girl, the relationship can’t have been going on too long.

“Shut up, Scott!” Stiles hisses. “It’s new, alright? We’ve only been seeing each other seriously for a month or so. He’s pretty hesitant about, well, ‘coming out’, so to speak, and we can’t really go anywhere without… well, I guess you’ll see why.” Stiles breaks off, shrugging.

“So, a guy, huh?” Scott asks. “You’ll have to bring him over to meet Allison, she’ll be furious that I found out something before her. What’s he like?”

“Well…” Stiles says, hesitating. “You kind of already know him? Well, of him, I guess.”

Scott opens his mouth, frowning in confusion, but before he can get the words out he’s interrupted by the sound of feet coming down the stairs.

“Just, be cool, okay?” Stiles says, turning to him. “I actually really like this guy.”

***

“YOU’RE DATING DEREK HALE?”

***

Extract from The Mirror, Issue 218, published December 8th 2018:

Well readers, this is a surprise! Turns out our Bachelor of the Year may not actually be on the market! A mere month has passed since we published our list, but in the meantime, pictures of Derek Hale, kissing none other than our runner up, Stiles Stilinski, have prompted the pair to release a joint statement admitting that they are, in fact, in a relationship. What’s more, according to an inside source, apparently they’ve been dating since September, effectively making our competition results null and void! Still, we’re happy for them-they’ve since been seen getting ice cream together with Derek’s niece, can you say adorable? We’re going to take this opportunity to christen them ‘Sterek’, and we here at The Mirror are pretty sure we’ve finally got a home-grown version of Posh and Becks! Flip to Page 37 to see more pictures of our new favourite couple.