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Shia Surprise: Swamp Edition

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“Ugh, I hate the woods.” Grumbled a young woman as her foot got caught on the seventeenth root that snatched at her ankles. The woman’s jeans were drenched below the knees from accidentally stomping in a mud puddle that she could not see since the night had no moon to show what was in front of her. She was using her phone as a makeshift flash light so she wouldn't run directly into a tree since her visibility was greatly hindered already.


Before the young woman’s trek through the dense forest, she had been driving down a winding dirt path as she had been leaving the campsite her friends were currently drinking at. Her battery had died on her way home with no warning and she was forced to walk back to the campsite where she could ask for proper help. She had decided to cut through the woods would be quicker rather than take the path back as it had many sharp turns and branching routes that would just confuse her. She had tried to call her friend’s before venturing out, but it seemed like they had all been too preoccupied to notice her calls.


The woman thought about her predicament, lost in thought. She came out of her daze when she started to feel wet drops fall onto her face. She stopped and stared up at the cloudy sky that was barely visible by the branches that blocked it. As more rain came down, the pitter-patter of the leaves being hit by the rain grew louder until it sounded like an orchestra of drums thumping at the same time.


“Really!” The girl hissed as she hiked her thin sweat-shirt over her shoulders in an useless attempt to shield herself. She picked up her pace as she tried to keep her phone as dry as it could be, yet she accidentally dropped the small device right in a small puddle when she lost her footing on another branch. When she tripped, her whole front side had been smeared with mud.


“Ugh, just great.” She mumbled as she gathered herself up and grabbed her phone to inspect it. “Aw, shoot.” Her phone was cracked, muddy and not turning back on. Of course this would happen to her. Maybe she should have just stayed in her car and wait until the morning for when her friend’s had to use the road to get back to civilization. That would've made her avoid all this mess.


She continued at a slower pace now, getting drenched down to the bone but otherwise is safer since she wouldn't fall flat on her face. In the distance, the girl saw a faint light that looked to be coming from a wooden cabin and she grew hopeful. She made her way towards it and when she reached it, she noticed how the front door was open a little bit. Should she just walk in or…?


She took a chance with fate since it was cold and dark and she just wanted to sit by the fire that she could hear crackling inside the house. She slowly pushed open the door a little bit, noting how the door creaked as the gap grew wider. Inside the home was warm and had a homey feel, the walls lined with game that had been caught and there were hunting weapons, like an axe and guns, scattered about. Not wanting to get accidentally shot for being mistaken as an intruder, the woman hesitantly called out, “Hello? I'm not trying to rob you or anything, I just need help. Is anyone here?” She received no response.


She walked into the little entrance way as she was literally starting to freeze from being wet for too long and she hoped that whoever lived here wouldn't get too mad for trekking her muddy shoes inside. She embraced the warmth gratefully and let out a content sigh. She decided that if the owner doesn't return that she'll just wait until the rain is done to return back to her friends.


The woman examined the room as she had nothing better to do, and noticed that a side room had a door open a little bit that you could see into a small bit. There wasn't a specific thing that caught her eye, other than a small, nearly missable detail of blood trailing to the room and footprints leading away from it that gradually faded since the blood from underneath wore away.  


“Oh… well, looks like I'm leaving.” The girl was about to turn around to walk back out the door she came too because she wasn't that stupid to investigate a mysterious blood stain in a random cabin in the woods, when the door opened and revealed an angry man wearing a… costume? He was wielding an axe and had blood covering his mouth and hands.


“Get outta my swamp.” He hissed, raising the axe above his head. The girl finally clicked what the costume was and who the mysterious man was. It was Shia LaBeouf in a Shrek outfit! The blood covering his face must be from his last victim!


The girl yelped as she jumped back to avoid being hit by his swinging axe. She glanced around frantically and spotted the closest weapon was another axe. She grabbed it and just barely managed to block his oncoming blow that would've hit her right in the arm. The two began a pattern, trying to hit the other and blocking the blows. It seemed like Shia was getting the upper hand, but the girl was not going to let her life end at the hands of actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf, especially when she wasn't even a fan of his movies. She swung her leg out, kicking him in the knees, making him fall to the ground. She finally had an opening and whacked him right in the neck. His body went limp, but that didn't stop the girl from repeatedly stabbing him everywhere since she's seen the movies. You have to make sure the killer is actually dead, otherwise you'll end up having four or five crappy sequels that have no purpose other than to make some extra cash.


“Somebody once told me, just do it.” The girl sneered at Shia’s lifeless body and stalked off out of the cabin, heading the direction of where her friends were. The rain had became a small drizzle before stopping completely.


When she had reached the campsite from the woods that she had ventured through, her friend's noticed how wet, muddy and bloody she was, as well as the bloody axe she held. They all grew concerned for her but she just walked past them, grabbed a beer out of the cooler and plopped down next to one of her friends on a log. They all waited for her explanation as to what happened as she dragged out the silence by chugging her beer down. When she finished, she chucked the can to the side, looked all her friends dead in the eye, and declared, “Yo, listen to this.”