Ed. Note: The Complaints and Comments department was created to deal with letters so trivial or so asinine that not even the Times would print them. Mr. Bauer was head of the C&C for three and a half months, beating the previous tenure record by almost eleven weeks. He is believed to have escaped to the farthest reaches of Uberwald, where even the bravest postman might hesitate to follow. Mr. Bauer left behind him many answered and unanswered letters - they are nearly impossible to differentiate, as Mr. Bauer was terrible at filing.
A letter from Mrs. Evadne Cake, complaining that a visit from the Times' head photographer next week would result in bloodspots on her carpet, and what was the Times going to do about it?
Approximately forty letters from the Palace, all of them regarding crossword clues and construction. An excerpt: "-while the Circle Sea is indeed practically landlocked and might be better conceived of as a large lake, its common designation as a sea makes it improper to term Leshp an 'Occasional Eyot' as the Puzzler does in 9 Across-"
Another letter from Mrs. Cake, complaining that the Times' suggestion of hiring a carpet cleaner was impractical, as the stains would not occur for five more days.
A letter of complaint from Corporal Nobby Nobbs and Sergeant Fred Colon of the Watch, concerning a recent political cartoon which claimed to feature caricatures of Watch officers as a fool and a monkey. Cpl. Nobbs and Sgt. Colon allege that in fact the cartoon consisted of extremely realistic portraits of their own persons.
A third letter from Mrs. Cake, informing Mr. Bauer that he was on no account to prevent Mr. Chriek from coming to her house, as it would give her a terrible headache.
Letters of complaint from several prominent businessmen and public figures, alleging that Ms. Cripslock had published what they had said, rather than what they had meant.
A fourth letter from Mrs. Cake, arguing that Mr. Bauer's suggestion that she 'put down a sheet or something' would make her sitting room look tacky.
A stack of form response letters, much unused, with the text: "Dear Sir, Madam, or Otherwise- We have read your letter, and would like to profusely apologize. We have seen the error of our ways, and will henceforth refrain from such behavior or statements. Yours, William de Worde, Editor, Ankh-Morpork Times."
A second stack of form response letters, much depleted, with the text: "Dear Sir, Madam, or Otherwise- We have read your letter, and we are not sorry. Please stop writing to us."
A copy of the latter form letter, with the text altered as follows: "Dear
Sir, Madam, or Otherwise Mrs. Cake- We have read your letter, and we are not VERY sorry. Please stop writing to us."
A fifth letter from Mrs. Cake, informing Mr. Bauer that Mr. Chriek had been and gone and she would like the address of that carpet cleaner now. In addition, she would like to complain that the article written about her Medium business would contain several mistakes, and would the Times publish a retraction first?
A letter of resignation from Mr. Bauer, found buried under several stacks of letters about humorously shaped vegetables.