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Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Chapter Text

This was stupid.

That is exactly what you were thinking when you began watching this YouTuber’s videos at three in the morning.

Completely idiotic, you thought as you clicked on the next video.

Past you was such a fucking idiot for even beginning to watch these videos, thus subjecting you to these steaming piles of shit videos. There was absolutely no reason to continue watching them.

And yet, you were the one who decided to watch them, so you have abso-fucking-lutely no one to blame this on other than yourself.

So, of course, you’re now watching some douche bag in shades eat an apple in slow motion and reviewing it in precise and exact detail in the most monotone voice you have ever heard in the entirety of your useless fucking existence.

You watch as he bites into an apple with the speed of molasses. Even slower than molasses. What the fuck is slower than molasses? You tried looking it up, but all you got was where the phrase slower than molasses came from. When you returned to the video, he was still biting into the apple. The camera went super close up to him biting into the apple.

After what was most certainly hours, he finally started chewing the bite he took of the apple. This lasted for fucking ages. You wouldn’t be surprised if he made this part extra slow for effect. In fact, you think he might actually have.

He finished chewing, and he slowly opened his mouth to talk about that single bite of apple he had eaten.

“This bite was slightly crunchier than the last bite.” He began, his voice at normal speed. “Juicer too. As absolutely perfect bite of an apple you could reasonably consider getting. Fucking amazing. This apple is amazing. It has nothing on the sweet, sweet nectar that is apple juice, but this apple is awesome in its own right.”

He kept rambling on about the apple for so long that you barely even realized when the video ended. You close out of the seventeen-minute long video of him reviewing a fucking apple of all things and click on another video where he was review… something. You weren't quite sure what it was, but it looked like a pile of sludge.

He described it as slime, but it looked way thicker than any slime should ever look like.

The more you watched his videos, the angrier you got until you got to the point where you were nothing but a ball of rage and exhaustion. In this state of rage and exhaustion, you figured out how to contact him and started typing away.

"FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND SECOND OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND THIRD OF ALL, GUESS FUCKING WHAT? FUCK YOU. I’M SENDING YOU A METAPHORICAL MIDDLE FINGER. TWO, IN FACT. BOTH OF MY MIDDLE HAND STICKS ARE ERECT AND READY FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. IT’S A SHAME THAT I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS BECAUSE THE RAGE I HAVE CANNOT PROPERLY BE CONVEYED BY MERELY TWO MIDDLE FINGERS. IN FACT, EVEN IF I HAD DOUBLE OR TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF HANDS, IT WOULD NOT EVEN HOLD A TENTH OF THE AMOUNT OF HATRED AND RAGE I HAVE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHANNEL. YOU HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BE THE CATALYST OF AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF RAGE THAN THE NORMAL PERSON HAS. IN FACT, THE RAGE YOU HAVE CREATED SURPASSES EVEN THE GODS IN MIGHT AND FURY, AND THE ONE WHO HAS OBTAINED THIS RAGE IS ME, A MERE MORTAL.

"IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT I HAVEN’T EXPLODED DUE TO SHEER FUCKING RAGE. IF I DIE FROM SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION, I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT IT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT THAT I DIED. BECAUSE YOU INVOKED AN ANGER THAT SURPASSES WHATEVER GODS YOU BELIEVE IN, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE LIKE A ROBOT WHO DECIDES TO RANDOMLY EXPLODE TO CONFUSE THE ENTIRETY OF PARADOX SPACE INTO FIXING EVERYTHING THAT OUR PATHETIC SPECIES HAVE DONE WRONG. BUT, OF COURSE, PARADOX SPACE COULD NEVER FIX EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY ‘RANDOM’ BECAUSE PARADOX SPACE KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND HAS HAPPENED AND IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE AND ALTERNATE REALITIES, SO NOTHING IS EVER TRULY RANDOM, NOT EVEN YOUR POINTLESS AS FUCK CHANNEL THAT DOESN'T EVEN DO THINGS THAT AREN’T REVIEWING THE WEIRDEST OF THINGS.

“WHO THE FUCK REVIEWS AN APPLE ANYWAYS? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE COLOR OF THE APPLE AND THE EXACT WAY THE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE APPLE UNLESS YOU’RE BLINDER THAN A BAT. IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY TO DESCRIBE HOW THE SHAPE OF THE APPLE REMINDS YOU OF SOME ARBITRARY EVENT IN HISTORY OR HOW THE NONEXISTENT STEM MAKES YOU THINK OF MODERN-DAY POLITICS. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT HOW EACH BITE OF AN APPLE IS DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER AND WHICH BITES OF THE APPLE ARE MOST SIMILAR.

“WHAT’S NEXT? ARE YOU GOING TO RAMBLE ON ABOUT HOW COMMUNISM RELATES TO A BACKPACK SHAPED LIKE YOUR FAVORITE POKÉMON? OR HOW THE WORLD WILL BE IMPACTED IF SOMEONE USES FRESH PASTA IN A BATTLE AND HOW THAT PIECE OF PASTA WILL LEAD TO WORLD WAR III? WHAT ARE YOU? A GODDAMNED HISTORY MAJOR? WELL, EXCUSE ME, MR. GOODHEAD, BUT NOT ALL OF US UNDERSTAND WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

“IN FACT, IF, FOR ONCE, YOU WOULD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SUFFER IN SILENCE, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, PIGS WOULD FLY AND THE APOCALYPSE WOULD HAPPEN, AND WE WOULD ALL JUST HAVE A JOLLY GOOD DAY FOR ONCE. PERHAPS, IF YOU SILENCED YOURSELF FOR EVEN A SINGLE MINUTE, GOG WOULD COME OUT AND BLESS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET WITH HIS GRACE. AND YOU WOULD GET THE GRAND FUCKING PRIZE BECAUSE YOU FINALLY MANAGED TO DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR A FEW, PRECIOUS, GODLY SECONDS. IF YOU WERE QUIET FOR ONCE, BIRDS WOULD SING, AND THE ANGELS WOULD JOIN THEM, AND WIZARDS WOULD EXIST. BUT, OF COURSE, YOU APPEAR TO BE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN SPEAKING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF, SO ANY MIRACLES THAT COULD HAPPEN WON’T HAPPEN BECAUSE THE SEEMINGLY EASY TASK OF CLOSING YOUR MOUTH IS ENTIRELY TOO DIFFICULT FOR A PERSON LIKE YOU.”

This message went on for several more pages before you hit the send button and promptly fell asleep.

Chapter Text

“Holy shit.” You said as you looked through your messages.

There, right in front of your eyes, past your sunglasses, was a ten-page rant about you and your channel.

It was fantastic and honestly one of the most enjoyable things you’ve read in a while. Someone ought to pay whoever wrote this to write insults because they clearly have no trouble vomiting out whatever rage they have onto a document and sending it to your plush ass.

You’re laughing your fucking ass off. This entire thing is pure gold, and you don’t even think it was an ironic message. No, this was a completely 100% honest-to-god genuine ten-page hate message you got here.

You read the entire thing, and then you read it again just to make sure the message wasn’t part of some fucked up fever dream that you just happened to have at this very moment. Nope. It was a genuine article. You’ve got to show this to Terezi.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: holy shit tz guess what just happened

GC: YOU GOT 1N TROUBL3 4ND 4R3 1N N33D OF 4 L4WY3R?

TG: what no its something way better than that

GC: WHAT 1S 1T TH3N D4V3?
GC: 1F YOU DON’T R3QU1R3 MY L4W 3XP3T1S3?

TG: the best goddamned hate mail to ever be made
TG: check it
TG: crabby.pdf
TG: go on and read i promise it will be the best thing youll read all day
TG: or smell as the case may be

GC: HOLY SH1T

TG: i know right its fuckn glorious

GC: 1’V3 ONLY R34D TH3 F1RST F3W L1N3S BUT
GC: TH1S 1S F4NT4ST1C

TG: i would definitely recommend reading the rest of it when youve got the time

GC: 1 MOST C3RT41NLY W1LL
GC: BUT R1GHT NOW, DUTY C4LLS
GC: 4ND 1 MUST 4DH3R3 TO TH3 L4W >:]
GC: SM3LL YOU 4ROUND D4V3

TG: see ya

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You briefly stop to think about what your next order of business will be. Of course, this thought is only a formality because you are pestering Rose as you speak.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose holy shit youve got to look at this
TG: crabby.pdf

TT: It is presumed that clicking on this will not give my computer a virus, correct?

TG: who the fuck would send a virus to their friend
TG: like just be innocently hanging out and talking and you send a link to your friend
TG: innocent looking link right there, all ready to be caressed and clicked on
TG: nothing suspicious looking about that, no sirree
TG: just a fun little thing that you wanted to send to your friend and your friend clicks on it and
TG: BOOM
TG: virus
TG: nasty little fucker too like holy shit
TG: youll never be rid of this one lalonde

TT: It’s better to be safe than sorry. I’ve been hearing about people hacking into pesterchum accounts and sending sleazy links that give people’s computers viruses.
TT: You really can never be too careful.

TG: that link is one hundred percent dave strider approved
TG: its only the best goddamned hate mail ive ever gotten in my life
TG: go ahead and read it since i have verified that the link is completely and utterly virus free

TT: It’s tone certainly is…
TT: Angry
TT: And loud.
TT: However, I must admit it is very amusing.
TT: The metaphors appear to run even longer than your own.

TG: what kind of blasphemy are you speaking
TG: i am the absolute king of metaphors
TG: i rule the absolute shit out of them
TG: all these peasant metaphors running around like its a goddamned bake sale and each item is only fifty cents
TG: wow now i want a cookie but the bake sale is sold out because holy shit people sure do love some fucking baked goods especially when theyre cheap baked goods
TG: clearly the best baked goods to ever grace this motherfucking planet
TG: put some in your mouth it melts like fucking cotton candy or some shit
TG: fuckin delicious

TT: I stand corrected. You are clearly only the best at metaphors.
TT: Excuse me as I bow down to you, your Majesty.
TT: Perhaps you could hear out your lowly advisor.

TG: ill allow it

TT: What are you planning on doing about the one who threatens to take your throne? It is possible that they are more powerful than you ever could imagine.
TT: It is even feasible that their metaphors are even more lengthy and incoherent than yours.
TT: War may be certain.

TG: war doesn’t sound very pleasant

TT: I suppose not.

TG: i would rather avoid a war
TG: my subjects are poor and in need of help
TG: maybe the one who wants to take my throne and i can come to an agreement

TT: An agreement?

TG: yes and by that i mean im going to make a video about it

TT: Of course you are. What else would you do?

TG: who knows
TG: maybe i would accept their offer of war and we would fight to the death over who would become the true king/queen/royalty of metaphors
TG: but then all my little peasant metaphors would be dead and dying and their blood would be all over the place
TG: and we dont want any of that
TG: we want our people to be happy and buying shit in order to keep this capitalist piece of shit to keep running
TG: anyway i should probably get going sometime soon
TG: work waits for no one and ive got things to review and videos to post

TT: Don’t work yourself to death.

TG: thanks for the (maybe) sincere concern
TG: talk to you later about something or other
TG: who knows really

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

You start getting things together immediately in order to get crack-a-lacking on the work you have been suddenly inspired to do.

It was time to review some angry rants.

Well, actually, just one, but your statement still stands, and it’s also a really really long rant, so it could conceivably possibly count as multiple rants.

Chapter Text

You woke up with your face on your computer keyboard, hunched over, and uncomfortable as hell. You proceed to sit up and groan as every single bone in your spine cracks like it’s the Fourth of July without any of the actual fun of the Fourth of July.

You blink until you regain sight of the world and drink some water to get the morning taste out of your mouth. You also grab the sweet, sweet elixir that coffee and toast some bread to eat.

Once you get all the other survival aspects of life out of the way, you sit down at your computer and begin to message Kanaya.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: HEY, KANAYA.
CG: I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.

GA: I Congratulate You On Your Rest
GA: Might I Inquire What Your Dream Was About

CG: IT WAS MOSTLY JUST WEIRD BECAUSE OF HOW REALISTIC IT WAS.
CG: LIKE, I WAS JUST BINGE-WATCHING A BUNCH OF VIDEOS ON GRUBTUBE WHERE THIS GUY WEARING SHADES WAS JUST REVIEWING A SHIT-TON OF RANDOM PRODUCTS
CG: AND I GOT SO PISSED OFF AT IT.
CG: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS REVIEWS WAS DONE IN THE MOST MONOTONE FUCKING VOICE, AND HE WOULD DESCRIBE EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY THINK OF TO DESCRIBE, AND THEN HE WOULD GO THAT LITTLE EXTRA MILE TO CONNECT THOSE DETAILS TO THE MOST UNRELATED SHIT.
CG: HE COMPARED THE SHAPE OF AN APPLE TO SOME EVENT IN HISTORY THAT NOBODY HAS EVEN EVER HEARD ABOUT.
CG: AN APPLE, KANAYA.

GA: That Certainly Sounds Entertaining

CG: IT WAS, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.
CG: THE POINT IS, HE PISSED DREAM-ME OFF SO MUCH THAT I WROTE HIM THIS HUGE RANT ABOUT HOW POINTLESS AND CONFUSING HIS CHANNEL WAS.
CG: I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THE MAJORITY OF WHAT I WROTE.
CG: AND THAT WAS MY DREAM, BASICALLY.

GA: That Is Definitely A Strange Dream
GA: Did The Channel Have A Name

CG: YEAH IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE COGS IN THE GOD’S HEAD
CG: OR SOMETHING EQUALLY DUMB AS THAT.
CG: IT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS NAME THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT HIS CHANNEL ACTUALLY DID.

GA: If I May Be So Bold
GA: It Is Plausible That The Channel Is Not As Fake As You Believe It To Be
GA: http://grubtube.com/channel/Ds7ioP4nOI1dS3Jls88

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
CG: HUH
CG: I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT.
CG: WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.

GA: I Concur

CG: WHO EVEN WEARS SHADES ALL THE FUCKING TIME ANYWAYS?
CG: IT’S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

GA: What About How Real You Think Your Dream Might Have Been?

CG: FUCK, I DON’T KNOW.
CG: MAYBE I WAS SO TIRED THAT I JUST REGISTERED IT ALL AS A DREAM.
CG: HOWEVER, THE RANT I WROTE WAS MOST DEFINITELY JUST A DREAM.
CG: IT WAS MERELY A SIDE EFFECT OF WATCHING HIS VIDEOS AT AN EARLY HOUR.

GA: Perhaps
GA: I Do Think It Is Unlikely That Was Something You Actually Did
GA: However You Do Tend To Rant Quite A Bit

CG: THAT’S FAIR.

GA: Also I Happen To Have A Question For You Unrelated To This Topic

CG: WHAT IS IT?

GA: Are You Planning On Coming To Work Today
GA: Or Are You Feeling Sick

CG: OH SHIT.
CG: SORRY, KANAYA, I’LL BE THERE SOON.

GA: Thank You

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

You quickly get dressed and run out of the door in order to get to Kanaya’s store.

When you get there, you find her speaking to a woman with dark lipstick and white hair. The were probably talking about a commission for clothing, so you decided to leave them alone to assist people in the store.

You loved Kanaya, you really did, but if you have to deal with one more customer who tried to haggle with you, you were going to strangle someone. It wasn’t your fault that certain people did not understand the time and effort it takes to make a handmade garment.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t make any exceptions to the price. These are all made with high-quality materials, and they are hand-tailored. In all honesty, this is practically a steal for what it's worth.”

“Look here, I know quality when I see it, and this piece of garbage isn’t passing any quality tests anytime soon.”

“You're free to shop anywhere else if you wish or find something cheaper in the store.” You said. “So, please, either pay for the skirt or buy something else.”

“Fine, I will!” The customer declared. “And I won’t buy anything from this store ever!”

Karkat breathed out a sigh of relief when the customer left. Thank. Fucking. God.

The lady Kanaya was speaking to came out of the back and began to look around the store. She looked around for so long that you rung up three purchases.

Eventually, she came up to the counter with several items.

“Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could assist me.”

“What do you need?” you ask, hoping that she would not be an obnoxious customer.

“I need some help in deciding which blouse to buy.” She held up two blouses, one that had a black and white design, and one that had a lavender color.

“I would go with the light purple one.” You advised. “It’s a nice color and it’s made with better material.”

“Thank you.” She put away the black and white blouse. “I would like to buy the rest of these.”

You add up the price of all the items, and she pays. You neatly fold all the clothes and put them in bags, which you hand to the woman.

“Come again.” You say when you give her the bags.

“Thank you. I will.” She left, and you glance at the clock to see how much time was left before you needed to close the store. About two more hours.

At least there weren't that many people in the store to deal with, but that wasn’t very good for the story and left you feeling very, very bored. It stayed like this for a long while.

“Has Rose left?”

You jumped at the sudden voice and turned to Kanaya.

“Who’s Rose?”

“She was the woman I was talking to about a commission. The one with the white hair.” Kanaya explained.

“Oh, yeah. She did leave. Bought a whole bunch of shit beforehand though. Why?”

“Well, as I said, we were talking about sewing a dress for her, but I just realized that I neglected to ask her for her contact information in order to finalize the details of her request.”

“She might come back tomorrow. After all, she would care about her dress. That, and the shop is going to close soon.”

“Oh. Well, I do hope she shows up tomorrow.”

Rose did, in fact, show up the next day, and she and Kanaya traded contact information. Before Rose left, she bought a hair flower that she claimed was a gift for a friend.

For the next few weeks, everything went as normal as ever until you were looking through GrubTube only to find a video made by cogsintheGodshead titled “long angry rant.’ The thumbnail had a picture of the douchebag with photoshopped angry eyebrows with a large stack of paper shittily photoshopped next to him.

You click on the video because, of course, you want to see him have an actual expression on his face. However, your hopes of seeing him angry fall flat when the video begins.

“So, recently, I got an angry message describing how useless my channel is, so, of course, I’m going to read the entire thing to all of you.”

He cleared his throat and began reading.

“First of all, fuck you. And second of all, fuck you. And third of all, guess fucking what? Fuck you. I’m sending you a metaphorical middle finger. Two, in fact. Both of my middle hand sticks are erect and ready for your viewing pleasure.”

By the time you got two minutes into the video, the rant began to sound familiar and suspiciously like one of your own rants. By the time five minutes had passed, you were convinced that it was your rant. By the time ten minutes had passed, you were only halfway through the video and you were feeling complete and utter rage that soon faded away into embarrassment and mortification.

You can not fucking believe that this pretentious douche was reading, out loud, the message you sent to him. The message you thought you didn’t actually send and that you thought was merely a figment of your imagination.

When the video ended, you decided you had to message someone about it.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: IT WAS NOT A DREAM.

GA: I Believe You Are Going To Have To Be A Little Bit More Specific About Which Dream You Are Talking About

CG: THE ONE WHERE I WROTE A GIANT FUCKING RANT AND SENT IT TO COGSINTHEGODSHEAD.
CG: THAT WAS NOT A DREAM.

GA: What Happened To Prove This

GC: THIS
GC: THIS HAPPENED.
GC: https://www.grubtube.com/watch?=Odda45IDa09

GA: There Doesn’t Appear To Be Any Evidence That You Were The One Who Wrote It Other Than That It Sounds Like Your Style Of Writing

GC: AND THAT I *DREAMED* ABOUT IT

GA: That Would Be A Pretty Telling Sign
GA: How Are You Fairing

GC: I DON’T REALLY KNOW.
GC: I’M PRETTY MAD ABOUT IT, AND I HATE PAST ME FOR WRITING THE THING,
GC: BUT I GUESS I ALREADY WROTE AND SENT IT,
GC: AND COGSINTHEGODSHEAD ALREADY MADE A VIDEO ABOUT IT,
GC: SO THERE ISN’T REALLY ANYTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

GA: You Could Send A Message To Him About It

GC: AND EMBARRASS MYSELF EVEN FURTHER?
GC: NO, THANK YOU!

GA: It Was Simply A Suggestion You Do Not Have To Do It If You Do Not Wish It

GC: I KNOW, BUT I DON’T THINK I WILL.
GC: IT WOULD BE CHILDISH, AND ‘IM A GROWN FUCKING ADULT.
GC: THE VIDEO IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUNNY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, EVEN IF THE GRUBTUBER HIMSELF IS A HUGE ASSHOLE.

GA: I Am Glad You Are Being Mature About It

GC: ME TOO.
GC: I SHOULD PROBABLY GO EAT SOMETHING, SO I’LL MESSAGE YOU LATER.
GC: IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME THEN, FEEL FREE TO DO SO.
GC: GOD KNOWS I’VE TALKING YOUR EARS OFF MORE THAN ENOUGH TIMES.

GA: Alright I Will Be Sure To Do That

GC: OH, AND KANAYA?

GA: Yes Karkat

GC: <>

GA: <>

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

Chapter Text

You could handle a lot of things nowadays. Annoying customers, your own mistakes, even some dick making a video about a rant you sent him. All of that you could handle perfectly fine, thank you very much!

But this, this was too much. This has to be your breaking point.

Because now there were memes.

Memes were covering your dashboard. Left and right, everywhere you went, all you saw were memes based on the shitty, incoherent rant you sent cogsinthegodshead.

It was combined with other memes, people quote it often, and it became a copypasta with the same level as the fucking Bee Movie.

You were trying to breathe, but the moment you saw a half naked man with the phrase “both of my sticks are erect and ready for your viewing pleasure” is when you lost it completely.

You were about one second away from saying “fuck it” and sending cogsinthegodshead another angry rant when Trollian notified you of a message.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GC: HOLY SH1T K4RK4T
GC: H4V3 YOU S33N TH1S M3M3?
GC: CR4BBY.pdf
GC: 1T’S TOT4LLY YOU
GC: D1D YOU H4PP3N TO S3ND 4N 4NGRY M3SS4G3 TO TH3 ON3 4ND ONLY D4V3 ST1D3R?

CG: YES, I’VE SEEN THE FUCKING MEME.
CG: IT’S AWFUL AND HORRIBLE.
CG: AND WHO THE FUCK IS DAVE STRIDER?

GC: 1T’S 4N 4M4Z1NG M3M3
GC: 4ND D4V3 STR1D3R 1S TH3 ON3 WHO SP4RK3D TH3 M3M3
GC: YOU NOW, COGS1NTH3GODSH34D

CG: OH GOD, THAT DOUCHEBAG.

GC: SO YOU’V3 H34RD OF H1M >:]

CG: I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.

GC: YOU GU3SS?
GC: K4RK4T
GC: YOU N33D TO B3 HON3ST W1TH M3
GC: D1D YOU WR1T3 TH4T R4NT?

CG: THERE IS A POSSIBILITY THAT MAY BE THE CASE.

GC: HOLY SH1T K4RK4T
GC: 1 C4N’T B3L13V3 YOU D1D TH4T

CG: IT’S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO IT DOESN’T MATTER

GC: DO YOU W4NT H1S CHUMH4NDL3

CG: WHAT?

GC: DO
GC: YOU
GC: W4NT
GC: H1S
GC: CHUMH4NDL3
GC: ?

CG: WHOSE CHUMHANDLE?

GC: D4V3’S OF COURS3!

CG: …
CG: TEREZI, WHAT ABOUT THAT I THINK HE’S A HUGE DOUCHE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

GC: TH3 P4RT WH3R3 D4V3 1S SUP3R COOL
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU DON’T W4NT H1S CHUMH4NDL3?

CG: FUCK NO

GC: 1’LL JUST L34V3 1T H3R3 FOR YOU
GC: JUST 1N C4S3
GC: TURNT3CHGODH34D
GC: BUT W1THOUT TH3 TYP1NG QU1RK

CG: AER;OUFWNKVDRFUWE
CG: *FUCK NO*

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

GC: H3H3H3H3H3

You find yourself being messaged by yet another one of your friends and wonder if you’re going to be messaged about the exact same thing Terezi messaged you about.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TA: kk, have you 2een the new meme buzziing around?
TA: iit 2ound2 exactly liike you

CG: I CAN’T FUCKING *BELIEVE* YOU ARE THE SECOND PERSON TO MESSAGE ME ABOUT THIS.
CG: YES, I’VE SEEN THE MEME.
CG: IT’S HORRIBLE AND AWFUL AND EMBARRASSING

TA: are you 2ayiing that you are the one who wrote the rant?
TA: holy 2hiit, tha2 amazing
TA: ii have to tell tz

CG: DON’T BOTHER; SHE ALREADY KNOWS.

TA: damniit.
TA: gue22 iill ju2t go back to programmiing.

CG: NO, NO, NO.
CG: YOU GET BACK HERE.
CG: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN FIRMLY IN TAHT CHAIR AND GET COMFY
CG: BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HAD THE CHANCE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THESE MEMES YET.

TA: go two 2omeone else, liike ga.
TA: ii dont feel liike dealiing wiith your problem2 riight now.

CG: FINE.
CG: I’LL GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO COMPLAIN TO.

TA: thank2

-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

You wanted to bang your head on the table. So you did. Until yet another one of your friends decided that it would be a great fucking time to message you.

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

CA: wwell you see ivve got these problems
CA: romantic problems

CG: OH THANK GOD.
CG: YOU’RE NOT MESSAGING ME ABOUT MEMES LIKE FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE.
CG: WHAT QUADRANT IS IT?

CA: thats my problem kar
CA: im not sure
CA: the feelins i havve are all mixin up an confusin me
CA: i just dont knoww wwhat im feelin here

CG: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK *I* WOULD KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS ARE RAMPAGING THROUGH YOUR BLOOD-PUSHER?

CA: i dont knoww youre the romantic expert here

CG: I CAN’T REALLY HELP YOU OUT VERY MUCH IF I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK YOUR FEELINGS ARE.
CG: OR EVEN WHO THEY ARE FOR.

CA: im not really comfortable sharing wwho my feelins are for right noww
CA: i just need some help figurin out what these feelins evven are
CA: and howw i should act on them

CG: WELL, I WOULDN’T ADVISE ACTING OUT ON ANY OF YOUR FEELINGS IF YOU DON’T KNOW FOR SURE WHAT THOSE FEELINGS ARE ABOUT.
CG: IT WILL JUST GIVE THE PERSON YOU ARE COURTING A SHIT TON OF MIXED SIGNALS.
CG: AND THAT’S NOT A GOOD BASIS FOR *ANY* RELATIONSHIP.

CA: i guess youre right kar
CA: i still dont knoww wwhat to do

CG: DON’T DO ANYTHING.
CG: NOT UNTIL YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA OF IF YOUR FEELINGS ARE BLACK, RED, PALE, OR ASHEN.
CG: ALTHOUGH, IT’S PRESUMABLY NOT ASHEN OR PALE, NOT THAT YOU SPECIFIED VERY MUCH ABOUT WHAT KIND OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS YOU’VE ACQUIRED.
CG: BUT YOU DON’T USUALLY COME TO ME FOR ADVICE ABOUT THE CONCILIATORY QUADRANTS.
CG: BUT, SERIOUSLY, DON’T MAKE ANY MOVES UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
CG: AND ONCE YOU FIGURE IT OUT, MAKE SURE TO KEEP YOUR ADVANCES SUBTLE, ALRIGHT?
CG: USUALLY I WOULD RECOMMEND A LESS SUBTLE APPROACH, BUT YOU’RE ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A TRAIN WRECK.
CG: NO OFFENSE.

CA: some taken
CA: but i guess youre right as always kar
CA: i suppose i can be a little…
CA: ovverbearing

CG: THAT’S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.
CG: ANYWAY, I HAVE YET ANOTHER PERSON DECIDING TO PESTER ME, SO I’LL BE GOING NOW.
CG: MESSAGE ME AGAIN WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE OF YOUR CLUSTERFUCK OF FEELINGS.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TC: WhAt’s uP My bRo
TC: We hAvEn’t aLl uP AnD MoThEr fUcKiN TaLkEd iN A LoNg aSs tImE
TC: hOw hAs iT BeEn gOiNg fOr yOu
TC: I’Ve jUsT BeEn oVeR HeRe dOiNg mY OwN ThInG
TC: jUsT BeEn mOtHeRfUcKiN DoInG WhAt fEeLs rIgHt yOu kNoW

CG: HUH, I GUESS IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.
CG: IT’S BEEN GOING OKAY FOR ME.
CG: COULD BE BETTER, BUT WHEN CAN’T IT BE BETTER.
CG: ANYWAY, GAMZEE, I’M SORRY FOR CUTTING THIS CONVERSATION SHORT, BUT I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING TO WORK RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

TC: iT’S AlL GoOd mOtHeRfUcKeR

CG: BYE

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --

You get off your ass and hall over to work. Same old, same old. Maybe after work Kanaya will be up for listening to you rant about the goddamned memes for an hour or so.

You make a note to ask her if anything is wrong or if she wants to talk about anything with you because you have told her about your problems and ranted to her for god knows how long, and you feel bad about possibly neglecting any problems she may be having.

Rose came back to presumably get her dress, which she did end up doing, but she and Kanaya spent way longer than it would have taken simply to get a dress and do transactions. You wonder if the two of them want to become friends or even something more. And if they do decide to pursue something more than friendship, of what quadrant would it be. Most likely a flushed romance, since that is the typically romance humans indulge in, and Kanaya is already taken when it comes to pale romance.

You can’t be completely sure unless you question her about it.

By the end of your shift, you are exhausted but determined to spend some time with Kanaya.

“Hey, Kanaya. Is there anything you wanted to talk about?” You ask her once the store closes.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything really. I’ve been talking about my own problems and feelings a lot recently, but I feel like you haven’t really gotten a chance to talk about yours.”

“Oh! Well…” A blush rose to Kanaya’s cheeks. “I suppose there are things I want to talk about, but I did hear about you having a certain distaste for some memes going around?”

“Those memes are a blight on humanity's existence, but I can complain about that later. I suggest we get into the pile and have a good old-fashioned feelings jam.”

“Alright. If you insist.”

The two of you get into a pile of various fabric rolls and threads. Most of it was the cheaper fabrics since Kanaya always made sure that the nicer fabrics were put away properly since they were expensive, and it would be awful to ruin them during a particularly intense feelings jam.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” You ask, holding Kanaya’s hand.

“Let’s see… Where do I begin?”

Chapter Text

You were just finished updating your SBaHJ comics when you saw that your sister was pestering you.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Hello, Dave.

TG: whats up rose

TT: I would like to invite you to go with me on an outing to a certain clothing store.

TG: for the last time i dont want to get a suit and theres nothing you can do to make me go
TG: what do i even need a suit for
TG: i never go anywhere fancy enough to warrant wearing a suit
TG: theyre also uncomfortable as hell
TG: all itchy and scratchy and constricting and shit

TT: You only think that because you’ve only worn cheap suits.
TT: And besides, I can easily convince you to come with me.

TG: bullshit
TG: there is absolutely nothing you could say or do that could possibly make me go with you
TG: ill chain myself to the inside of my room
TG: you cant possibly break the lock even if you had ten thousand locksmiths
TG: theyre all going to be like
TG: miss lalonde why are you trying so fucking hard to get this guy out of his room
TG: why cant you just leave him alone
TG: and youll go on this spiel about how i need a suit
TG: theyll be ten thousand miles away in a goddamn flash
TG: knowing that suits are awful as fuck
TG: so no rose
TG: there couldnt possibly be even a single thing that could make me move an inch to go with you to a store to get a suit

TT: It’s a very nice store.
TT: There is a plethora of clothing items to chose from there.
TT: There also happens to be a cute boy who works there.

TG: …
TG: …
TG: …
TG: how cute
TG: like are we talking astronomical levels of cute
TG: like one wrong move could set my heart aflame
TG: or is he passing a random stranger and giving them a spare glance cute

TT: He has messy hair, small horns, and he looks like he could be able to give you the best hugs imaginable.

TG: my bloodpusher is already in hyperdrive
TG: where do i sign up
TG: i mean
TG: nope still not going
TG: i refuse
TG: no matter how cute that guy sounds
TG: i absolutely refuse

TT: You’ll come with me eventually.
TT: No matter how much I have to wear you down.

TG: wow way to sound super creepy
TG: why are you even so insistent on me going to this store anyway
TG: youve never been this insistant before
TG: even pulled out the cute guy thing on me
TG: i bet you just made up that guy to try and get me to come

TT: I assure you that he is, in fact, as real as you and me.
TT: And why I am so insistent on you going is of none of your concern.

TG: is there a cute girl who works there and youre just using me as an excuse to see her again

TT: ...

TG: holy shit
TG: you really do have a crush on her
TG: whats her name
TG: come on rose
TG: you cant avoid the question forever
TG: tell me tell me tell me tell me
TG: at least tell me what she looks like good god
TG: okay you got me
TG: if you tell me her name and what she looks like i swear that i will go with you to the store
TG: ill even let you get me a suit

TT: What do you swear on?

TG: i swear on the monkey paw in my dead things collection

TT: A dangerous item to swear on.
TT: I’ll accept it.
TT: The contract is sealed. My blood has been used to finalize it.

TG: goddamn it rose just tell me who your crush is

TT: As if you don’t ramble on for an even lengthier amount of time than I did.
TT: But I suppose I will hold my side of our deal.
TT: Her name is Kanaya, and she owns the store I was speaking about.
TT: She, by far, has one of the best fashion senses I have ever seen.
TT: She’s intelligent and can analyze with the best of them.
TT: She’s extraordinarily well-read, and the theories she has are like nothing I’ve ever heard.
TT: Her horns are like daggers, her hair like silk. I could only dream of her lifting me off into the sunset.
TT: Oh.
TT: I seem to have gotten a little bit carried away there.

TG: holy shit rose thats probably one of the gayest things ive read in a while

TT: Yes, well, prose aside, you are now obligated to go with me to the store Kanaya owns.
TT: I get to see Kanaya again, and you get a suit.
TT: I’m killing two birds with one stone.
TT: Not only that, but you get to meet a cute troll.

TG: clearly the only upside
TG: anyway what time is this place open
TG: because i would like to get this over and done with as soon as possible

TT: Good.
TT: I’ll come over to pick you up in twenty minutes.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

You decide to edit one of your videos during that time, and soon you hear the ring of your doorbell.

Your get up to answer the door, and there is your sister looking more dressed up than usual.

“You’re dressed up. Trying to impress Kanaya?” You tease.

“Oh, silence. It’s not like you didn’t get dressed better than usual because I informed you that the boy working at the store was cute.”

“Okay, okay! Uncle! I admit it. I took five minutes of my time to look slightly better than normal, but at least I’m able to admit that.”

“I’m going to put the radio on.” Rose said, putting on obnoxious pop music that you both have heard a hundred times.

“If you don’t think I can easily talk over this poor excuse for good music then you have clearly underestimated my ability to ramble on for hours upon hours on end to even myself. There doesn’t even have to be anyone there. I’ll just be over here vomiting any stray thought I have out onto the ground where anyone can see it.Now I have to clean up all this fucking vomit on the floor because it's stinking up the room, and wow. I completely forgot where I was going with any of this.

“We’re here.” Rose suddenly commented.

You stared at her for a solid thirty seconds.

“You played me for a goddamn fool.” You finally say. Rose simply smirked all knowing like as the two of you got out the car.

The two of you went into the store, which, oddly enough, smelled a lot like rosemary.

The store was colorful and seemed to have nearly any article of clothing a person could want. There was also a sign that advised against licking the clothes, which reminded you of Terezi.

But, the moment your eyes wondered over to the register, your heart stopped. It stopped and then sped up to double time. You think you forgot to breathe.

You think what Rose told you wasn’t nearly enough to properly prepare you for how cute this troll was. Saying that he was astronomically cute was the most major understatement anyone could ever possibly make.

And Rose was pulling you toward him. Oh god, do you look okay? Would you even be able to talk to him? Come on, Dave. Take a deep breath. Be cool.

“Hello, Karkat.” Rose greeted.

“Hello, Miss Lalonde. What do you need?”

“Polite as ever, but you can just call me Rose. However, I did come here for more than just exchanging pleasantries. I would like to see Kanaya about getting my brother, Dave, here a suit.”

“Alright. I’ll go get her for you.” Karkat left and soon afterward an elegant looking woman came out with Karkat.

“If you’ll come with me, I can get you measured.” The woman said.

“Thank you.” Rose responded, and the two of you went to the back with Kanaya.

You can’t believe you’re being forced to get measured with your sister and Kanaya flirting up a storm. It was honestly extremely embarrassing.

At long last, you were done being measured, and you bolted out of the room after telling Rose that she could pick out whatever kind of suit she wants. This may or may not have been a good decision on your part, but you were just glad you didn’t have to see your sister make goo-goo eyes at Kanaya for another minute.

However, you were now back in the store part of the store where the cute guy was. You had no idea how to even begin interacting with him, so you decided to look through the store. To be fair, the clothes looked like they were really well made, so you ended up picking a few items that you genuinely wanted to buy.

When you began making your way to the register, you were revisited with the problem of how to talk to the cute boy there.

You were already going towards the counter, so it wasn’t like you could just go back and look through the store some more, so you resigned yourself to your death.

“Um, yeah, I’d like to buy this if you would be so kind. You know, because these clothes are actually super cool, and they seem really well made, not that I would know anything, but based on what my sister says about the store, the clothes are exactly as choice as I think they are. Clearly, they are the best clothes sold from here to the ends of the universe. That’s how fantastic they are, holy shit, you know? Oh, shit, I’m rambling a lot, aren’t I? I do that a lot, especially if I’m nervous. I swear I’m not actually nervous. You’re just really cute. Fuck. Okay, just forget I called you cute, not that you aren’t. You are extremely attractive and cute, and shit, I probably sound super creepy right now. I swear I didn’t mean to. I-”

You went quiet when he began to laugh. You just stood there in a dumbstruck silence while he laughed. Eventually, he stopped and spoke.

“Oh my god. When you came in here, I just thought you were some kind of insufferable prick, but you’re actually nervous, so I guess I thought wrong.”

You weren’t really able to respond due to being caught off guard by the laughter. The sound of footsteps came closer until the door was slammed open.

“I heard laughter, Karkat, what is it that you are laughing at?” Kanaya questioned.

“Did you just run over here because you heard me laugh?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you have a customer to work with?”

“Yes, but you do not genuinely laugh similarly to that quite nearly as often enough, so I decided to come over to where you were to find out what caused you to laugh so uproariously. However, all I see is Rose’s brother, who I have been informed has a very poor sense of humor that is based heavily in the art of irony.”

“Are you saying I’m not funny?” You finally manage to say something, and, of course, it isn’t even to the troll you were flustered over.

“Although I am incapable of being absolutely certain of the fact due to my not knowing you very well, but the way Rose described your humor left much to be desired.”

“Kanaya, you really should be getting back to talking to Rose.” Karkat said.

“All right, all right. But you will talk to me later, correct?”

“Of course I will.”

Kanaya left, and Karkat turned to face Dave.

“Wow. I can’t believe my own flesh and blood would betray me like this. What kind of sibling even tells someone else that her dear brother has a shitty sense of humor. And Kanaya over there just ripped me a fucking new one, holy shit.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s just her sense of humor shining through.” Karkat responded. “Now could you please pay for the clothes you just bought?”

“Oh! Yeah, alright.” You fumble for your wallet and give him your credit card to pay for the items. He neatly puts them in a bag and hands them to you along with the receipt.

You take a moment to write your chumhandle down on the receipt, along with a little message saying to be sure to contact you.

Rose finally comes out of the room where Kanaya was.

“Are you ready to leave, Dave?”

“Hell fucking yeah, I am.”

Before the two of you leave, you ‘accidentally’ leave the receipt with Karkat, and you can hear him yelling at you once you leave the store.

“So, how was your meeting with Karkat?”

“Come one, Rose. You know I’m suave as shit. Smoother than butter, that’s what I say. People spread me and they’re like, ‘holy shit I can’t believe how fucking smooth this is.’ That’s how goddamned smooth I am and how I was.”

“Is that code for you becoming a flustered mess around any cute guy you meet?”

“Shut up.”

“Did you at least get his contact information or give him your own?” Rose questioned.

“Yeah, I wrote my chumhandle on the receipt and left it there. I have no idea if he will actually message me or anything. Probably not based on how much of a mess I was.”

“So that’s why he was yelling at us when we left. But you can try to hold on to some semblance of hope that he will willingly contact you.”

“I guess that’s better than nothing, but I am not going to expect much.”

Once you got home, you got on the computer to pester Terezi.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: tz holy shit i need to tell you something

GC: WH4T 1S 1T D4V3?

TG: i just met this guy okay
TG: super cute and i even made him laugh like holy fuck
TG: and all i was doing was rambling on for forever like i usually do
TG: especially because he was extremely cute and my brain just couldnt compute with the cuteness
TG: and he just started laughing
TG: and then the owner of the fucking store came running to see what was so funny
TG: apparently he doesnt laugh much
TG: and then she insulted my sense of humor
TG: like why do you have to ripe on a dudes humor like that

GC: HOW B4D W4S TH3 BURN?

TG: it was so fucking bad
TG: had to get cold water poured on it immediately afterwards
TG: went to the hospital and i was on the emergency track
TG: thats how fucking bad it was

GC: 1 C4NT B3L1V3 SOM3ON3 4CTU4LLY D1D TH4T

TG: i know right

GC: BUT ON 4 S1D3 NOT3
GC: HOW CUT3 W4S TH3 BOY AND HOW MUCH OF 4 M3SS OF YOURS3LF D1D YOU M4K3?

TG: the guy was extremely cute
TG: massively cute
TG: so cute that im gonna have to look up synonyms of cute merely to give you the basic rundown of how cute he is
TG: endearing adorable lovable sweet lovely appealing engaging delightful dear darling winning winsome attractive pretty good looking handsome attractive gorgeous
TG: some of these dont really make sense but you get the idea
TG: this boys cuteness is nothing to be trifled with

GC: H3 SOUNDS D3L1C1OUS
GC: D1D YOU G3T H1S NUMB3R
GC: OR P3ST3RCHUM H4NDL3 OR TROLL H4NDL3
GC: WH4T3V3R H3 US3S

TG: i gave him my pesterchum handle but i dont even know if he will even bother messaging me
TG: or shit if he even uses pesterchum or trollian or whatever

GC: H3 PROBABLY DO3S
GC: MOST P3OPL3 DO B3C4US3 1TS E4SY TO US3
GC: 4ND 1 COULD NOT S33 WHY H3 WOULDNT W4NT TO CONT4CT YOU
GC: BOTH B3CAUS3 YOU 4R3 SUP3R COOL 4ND B3C4USE 1 4M BL1ND 4ND TH3R3FOR3 C4NT S33

TG: shit i guess youre right as always pyrope

GC: 1TS 4 SP3C14LTY OF M1N3 >:]
GC: B31NG R1GHT TH4T 1S

TG: solid facts are being brought up here
TG: completely frozen and strong enough to stay as a goddamned solid or however the fuck that works
TG: facts that cant even be disputed like at all
TG: because that would be just blasphemy
TG: anyway im kind of hungry so im going to go eat
TG: see ya tz

GC: SM3LL YOU L4T3R COOL K1D

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

Chapter Text

It had been days since you saw the cute guy, and you have basically given up any sort of hope that he would actually message you.

To be fair, it had only been one or two days, but still. Anyway, you still had stuff to work on, so there really wasn’t any use in moping about a cute guy you talked to for a grand total of four minutes and thirteen seconds.

Someone was pestering you, so you decided to answer, only to find that it was a handle you didn’t recognize.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING *BELIEVE* THAT YOU ARE THE SAME FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT TEREZI GAVE ME THE CHUMHANDLE TO.
CG: I WASN’T GOING TO TROLL A DUMBASS LIKE THAT, SO I DIDN’T FOR WEEKS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A STUPID WASTE OF THE PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME I HAVE LEFT.
CG: AND YET, HERE I AM.
CG: MESSAGING YOU.
CG: BECAUSE I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETELY AWFUL PERSON.
CG: ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I’M THE GUY WHO WORKS AT ROSEMARY.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE STORE YOU WENT TO GET A SUIT AT.

TG: holy shit you actually messaged me
TG: this is the best goddamned day of my entire life
TG: ive been blessed with your presence

CG: DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE.

TG: you seem a lot more angry over text though

CG: IN CASE YOU FAILED TO NOTICE, I WAS AT WORK WHEN I MET YOU.
CG: I WAS ACTING “PROFESSIONAL.”
CG: PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY TAKE KINDLY TO OTHERS YELLING INSULTS AND CURSE WORDS INTO THEIR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS

TG: so are you always this angry when youre not at work

CG: YES.

TG: goddamn
TG: also, you know tz???

CG: YEAH, SHE’S A CHILDHOOD FRIEND, AND SHE ALSO DEMANDED TO GIVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE DESPITE ME SAYING THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID *NOT* WANT IT.
CG: BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE ANYWAY, SO IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERED.

TG: wait but why did she give you my chumhandle in the first place
TG: did she just up and decide that we needed to be friends because she and me are friends and so are you and her

CG: NO. SHE GAVE IT TO ME BECAUSE I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NEW FUCKING MEMES GOING AROUND THAT ARE BASED ON A VIDEO YOU MADE.
CG: I COULD MAYBE HANDLE THE VIDEO.
CG: IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY, AND KANAYA SAID I SHOULD TRY LAUGHING AT MY PAST MISTAKES INSTEAD OF GETTING ANGRY AT THEM.
CG: BUT THE MEMES. OH GOD THE MEMES.
CG: THEY WERE THE MOST HORRIFIC THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT THING TO ACCOMPLISH, SO I GUESS I AM FORCED TO GIVE PROPS TO THAT.
CG: BUT THAT DOES NOT NEGATE THE ESTABLISHED *FACT* THAT THEY ARE THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY EXISTENCE.
CG: THEY MAKE ME WANT TO STAB MY EYES OUT AND BE BLIND FOR THE REST OF MY WAKING LIFE.
CG: I WON’T EVEN GET TEREZI TO TEACH ME HOW TO SEE BECAUSE THAT WOULD ENABLE ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A WHIFF OF THE SHIT PEOPLE PUT ON THE INTERNET.
CG: I’LL JUST GO THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BEING PERFECTLY FUCKING CONTENT WITH BEING ABLE TO SEE JACK SHIT.

TG: are you the guy who sent me that ten page rant then
TG: because that was fucking amazing
TG: best goddamn thing i ever seen
TG: highlight of the year

CG: IF THOSE GOD-FORSAKEN MEMES BECOME THE MEME OF THE YEAR, I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO MURDER YOU IN THE MOST SLOW AND PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE.

TG: ouch
TG: guess im going to have to resign myself to my death
TG: because that meme is the best
TG: it will live on for generations
TG: it will never get old
TG: we will be on the edge of death all wrinkled and dying of whatever old people die of
TG: like a heart attack or something
TG: and then i will turn to the nearest person and speak with my dying breath
TG: “maybe one day my death will come so i never have to look at your god-forsaken channel ever again, you complete and utter douche muffin”
TG: and then theyll start laughing because they love that fucking meme
TG: memorized the entire goddamned thing
TG: it will be taught in schools
TG: kids will have to recite an excerpt of it to the class
TG: analyze the shit out of it
TG: where does all this guys anger come from
TG: nobody knows
TG: theyll just have to guess until theyre blue in the face

CG: THE WORDS. THEY DON’T STOP.
CG: I’VE JUST BEEN OVER HERE POLITELY WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BURN YOURSELF OUT.
CG: BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO ON FOR UNTIL AFTER THE UNIVERSE END UNLESS SOMEONE SHUTS YOU UP.
CG: AND CLEARLY THE UNIVERSE HAS GRANTED ME THIS VERY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR ALL ETERNITY.

TG: clearly the greatest honor to ever be granted to someone
TG: the privilege to tell the dave strider to shut his pothole

CG: SHUT YOUR POTHOLE.

TG: hahahaha
TG: on a completely different note what even made you write a ten page rant about my channel anyways

CG: MOSTLY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A STUPID CHANNEL.
CG: BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT WAS THREE AM, AND I HADN’T SLEPT FOR A WHILE.

TG: so what youre telling me is
TG: you *actually* sent me a ten page rant when you were that sleep deprived
TG: no wonder it was so incoherent

CG: I COULD PROBABLY HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER IF I WASN’T SO TIRED.
CG: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST GODDAMNED PIECE OF WRITING IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE
CG: NOTHING ELSE COULD EVER COMPETE TO THE MASTERPIECE I WOULD HAVE CREATED.
CG: HOWEVER, INSTEAD, MY PAST SELF, AND BY THAT I MEAN *MYSELF*, WRITES A HEAPING PILE OF FESTERING SHIT.

TG: point taken
TG: the question here is
TG: will you ever write this masterpiece
TG: will i ever get the pleasure of reading this glorious piece of hate mail directed towards yours truly

CG: NO.

TG: wow harsh
TG: shut down immediately
TG: didnt even get to go on a weirdly personal tangent
TG: would have been fantastic
TG: i have no conceivable idea of where it would have gone
TG: but i can guarantee it would have been the second best thing in the universe
TG: second only to the hypothetical rewrite of the glorious hate mail that you sent me

CG: AND IT WILL STAY HYPOTHETICAL FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.
CG: I REFUSE TO EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.
CG: HOW DID I EVEN GET TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I AM MESSAGING YOU.
CG: OH, WAIT. NOW I REMEMBER.
CG: IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN PERSON.
CG: CLEARLY THAT DOES NOT TRANSFER OVER TO TEXT.

TG: im hurt karkat

CG: SUCK IT UP, DINGUS.

TG: dave actually
TG: i dont know if i actually introduced myself to you

CG: I DON’T THINK YOU DID EITHER.
CG: ALTHOUGH, I THINK YOUR SISTER INTRODUCED YOU, BUT IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I DIDN’T ACTUALLY CATCH YOUR NAME WHEN SHE SAID IT.
CG: IT’S A MIRACLE YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MY NAME.

TG: what can i say im good with names
TG: and also multiple people said it in my presence so i guess there is also that

CG: I GUESS

TG: …

CG: …

TG: …

CG: …

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE BOTH OF US ARE OUT OF THINGS TO SAY FOR ONCE.

TG: huh
TG: i suppose so
TG: …

CG: I GUESS YOU COULD PESTER ME IF YOU EVER FIND SOMETHING TO RUN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT.
CG: OR I’LL TROLL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER.
CG: LATER THOUGH.
CG: BYE.

TG: see ya

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You sigh, a bit sad that the conversation ended, and then you immediately decide to inform others of this happening.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose rose youll never guess what happened

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TG: i guess you will never guess what happened since you arent even hear to guess
TG: what are you even doing
TG: please dont tell me you went into your writing bunker
TG: if you did i wont be able to talk to you for at least a week if not more
TG: and no one else will be able to either
TG: what if kanaya tries to message you
TG: assuming you actually exchanged contact information
TG: how long ago did you even do that
TG: how could you not tell your own brother that you got a girls chumhandle
TG: have you asked her out yet
TG: it would be great if you were on a date instead of in the writing bunker
TG: then people could actually contact you and you wouldnt be completely isolating yourself from the rest of the world other than brief trips outside to get food
TG: anyway karkat messaged me and we had a conversation
TG: i would tell you more about it but it seems you are an idle chum
TG: pester me later if you want the details

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: tz youll never guess what just happened

GC: 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 4 W1LD GU3SS 4ND S4Y TH4T K4RK4T F1N4LLY GOT 4ROUND TO M3SS4G1NG YOU

TG: youd be correct
TG: how did you know
TG: i mean i know that he got my chumhandle from you but also he refused to message me for weeks

GC: 1 H4V3 4 C3RT41N T4L3NT FOR KNOW1NG TH3S3 SORTS OF TH1NGS
GC: 4ND 4LSO K4RK4T 1S Y3LL1NG 4T M3 1N 4NOTH3R CH4T
GC: 1 H4V3 OPT3D TO 1GNOR3 H1M FOR NOW
GC: 4NYW4Y, WH4T D1D YOU TWO T4LK 4BOUT

TG: we talked about memes

CG: M3M3S?

TG: yes memes
TG: specifically the memes that erupted after the rant video

GC: OF COURS3
GC: H3 W4S V3RY 4NGRY 4BOUT THOS3
GC: WH1CH R3M1NDS M3, WHY D1D H3 M3SS4G3 YOU 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1F H3 W4S SO 4G41NST 1T B3FOR3?

TG: okay so remember the cute boy i was talking about like two days ago

GC: Y34H

TG: that was karkat

GC: …
GC: …
GC: …

TG: terezi??
TG: did i actually break you or do you just need a moment to process the information i just gave you
TG: yo tz i need some confirmation that you did not just die from an overload of information
TG: hit me up with your response
TG: are you alive

GC: NO

TG: thank god youre not dead

GC: TH4TS WH4T TH3 GOV3RNM3NT W4NTS YOU TO TH1NK

TG: shit youre right
TG: the government is doing all this nasty shit and now they are making it so we think we arent dead
TG: how do we know the government isnt dead though

GC: SHHHHHH
GC: TH3S3 4R3 TOP S3CR3T GOV3RNM3NT S3CR3TS YOUR3 SPR34D1NG 4BOUT
GC: YOUV3 GOT TO B3 MOR3 D1SCR3T3

TG: discrete is my middle name

GC: NO, YOUR3 M1DDL3 N4M3 1S 3L1Z4B3TH

TG: shit you got me there

GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 4BOUT 4S D1SCR3T3 4S 4 TR41N CR4SH
GC: YOU COULDNT BE D1SCR3T3 1F YOUR L1F3 D3P3ND3D ON 1T

TG: those are some harsh words

GC: 4R3 TH3Y WRONG?

TG: …

GC: 1 R3ST MY C4S3
GC: 4NYW4Y, W3 H4V3 GOTT3N 3NT1IR3LY OFF TR4CK FROM TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON 4T H4ND
GC: R3G4RDL3SS OF HOW MUCH FUN W3 W3R3 H4V1NG W1TH TH1S S3CR3CY T4LK
GC: WH4T 4BOUT K4RK4T M33T1NG YOU 1N R34L L1F3 CH4NG3D H1S M1ND 4BOUT M3SS4G1NG YOU?

TG: i honestly dont know for sure but he said something about me actually not seeming like a complete douchebag in real life

GC: M4K3S S3NS3 W1TH HOW FLUST3R3D 1 4M 4SSUM1NG YOU W3R3
GC: TH3 GUY W4S COMPL41N1NG HOW YOU W3R3 COMPL3T3LY MONOTON3 1N 4LL OF YOUR V1D3OS
GC: 4ND TH3N H3 S33S YOU H4V3 4N 4CTU4L 3MOT1ON >:O
GC: 3SP3C14LLY 4N 3MOT1ON WH3R3 YOU SHOW TH4T YOU L1K3 H1M
GC: TH3 GUY 1S 4 SUCK3R FOR ROM4NC3
GC: NOV3LS 4ND MOV13S 4L1K3

TG: holy fuck
TG: i cant believe i kind of flirted with a hopeless romantic

GC: 1 HOP3 YOU DONT TH1NK TH4T H3 W1LL D4T3 YOU JUST B3C4US3 OF TH4T

TG: of course not
TG: im not some goddamned creeper
TG: if he doesnt want to date me thats fine
TG: it would be great to be friends with him at least
TG: i had fun talking to him earlier

GC: D4V3

TG: what

GC: 1S TH4T 4N 3MOT1ON 1 SM3LL?

TG: oh my god tz we are not doing this for the hundredth time
TG: we get it
TG: i
TG: the cool kid
TG: has emotions like every other human being on the planet
TG: its not such a surprise anymore

GC: YOU H4V3 4N 3N1R3 GRUBTUB3 CH4NN3L D3D1C4T3D TO R3V13W1NG TH1NGS 1N TH3 MOST 3MOT1ONL3SS W4Y POSS1BL3

TG: …
TG: ok thats fair

GC: BUT 1M W4RN1NG YOU NOW 4BOUT K4RK4TS LOV3 OF ROMCOMS
GC: H3 W1LL T4LK 4T L3NGTH 4BOUT TH3M 4ND TH3R3 1S ABSOLUT3LY NOTH1NG YOU C4N DO TO PR3V3NT TH4T FROM H4PP3N1NG
GC: SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G1V3 UP HOP3 NOW

TG: god damn
TG: and here i was
TG: woefully unprepared for the potential onslaught of romcoms
TG: and then you come along
TG: with all your future knowledge and shit like a some kind of seer or something
TG: and allowed me to arm myself with the knowledge that karkat really fucking loves romcoms
TG: thank you for you have done a great deed

GC: JUST W41T UNT1L H3 FORC3S YOU TO W4TCH TH3M

TG: is that a thing he does
TG: aggressively shoves romcoms into his friends faces
TG: how are yall still sane

GC: 4T SOM3 PO1NT YOU L34RN TO 4CC3PT YOUR F4T3 B3C4US3 1T 1S E4S13R 1N TH3 LONG RUN
GC: 4ND T4K3S UP L3SS T1M3
GC: YOU C4N 4LSO JUST F4LL 4SL33P DUR1NG TH3 MOV13
GC: K4RK4T W1LL B3 TOO 1NTO TH3 MOV13 TO 4CTU4LLY C4R3

TG: good to know
TG: i thank you for the sheer amount of wisdom you hold

GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3
GC: OH 1 H4V3 TO GO NOW
GC: 1 H4V3 4 D4T3
GC: >;]

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: wait hold on who are you going on a date with
TG: shit
TG: youre already gone
TG: ill weasel the truth out of you sooner or later
TG: or i guess youll just tell me
TG: same difference really
TG: or maybe not
TG: whatever
TG: case still stands that i will find out who you are going on a date with
TG: i want details
TG: except maybe not really
TG: i would rather a brief overview of the date if that is possible
TG: please dont go into weird tangents about how much you licked them
TG: because that would be awkward and weird
TG: anyway
TG: later

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

You decide to take the remainder of the day to work on some more videos. After all, you know Terezi will probably tell you who she went on a date with sooner or later, and Karkat said he might message you in the future. You can't help but smile at that. He was fun to talk to, so it would be nice to hear from him again.

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: roooooooose
TG: rose
TG: rose
TG: are you there

TT: Yes, Dave, I am here.
TT: And it seems like you have adapted John’s penchant for using eight letters at a time for emphasis on various words.

TG: what really
TG: goddamn it

TT: Yes, this appears to be a despicable habit that we must rid you of.

TG: please do
TG: i dont want a total of eight letters exactly all the time to haunt me for the rest of my life
TG: but that isnt what i came here to talk about

TT: Did you perhaps pester me to inform me of your previous conversation with Karkat?

TG: hell yeah i did

TT: I only assumed because that is what you were bugging me about previously.

TG: that is a pretty good assumption to make
TG: anyway the conversation i had with karkat was really nice
TG: hes a lot shoutier over text than voice
TG: he types in all caps like holy shit
TG: so angry
TG: does some long ass metaphors
TG: im still the best at them but karkat may be shooting for my place on the throne
TG: make a note to watch out for that

TT: It has been noted.

TG: thank you for that rose
TG: best goddamned advisor i ever had
TG: i trust you completely
TG: wow i sound like one of those kings that trust their shitty and evil advisor without a single thought that their advisor could potentially want to overthrow them
TG: are you going to take over my kingdom rose

TT: I have no interest in ruling the Kingdom of Metaphors.
TT: I am perfectly happy here in my “Palace of Prose.”

TG: thank fucking god
TG: i dont think i could handle a rebellion
TG: shits dangerous you know
TG: do each of us get a literary device kingdom
TG: if i have the kingdom of metaphors and you get the palace of prose
TG: which is an awesome name btw
TG: like is john the king of hyperbole
TG: or jade the queen of personification
TG: do they get kingdoms
TG: are they opposing kingdoms
TG: or are they all good friends and shit
TG: does every single literary device get a kingdom or is only major ones
TG: these are important questions here rose

TT: I’m not sure if John would be suited to the role of ruling over the hyperbole commonwealth.
TT: I’m certain he would need to have some sort of training first.
TT: He would need to become the heir to the kingdom.
TT: Or he should rule over some other literary device.

TG: that makes me wonder what literary device he would rule over
TG: hold up let me pull up a list
TG: holy shit there are a lot of literary devices
TG: i dont know what half this stuff is
TG: shit ton of different types of irony
TG: what the fuck is a zeugma

TT: A zeugma is a literary device that is both literal and metaphorical.
TT: For example, “they covered themselves in dust and glory.”

TG: thats actually pretty cool

TT: Quite.

TG: what were we even talking about before all this literary device nonsense.

TT: I believe you were talking about the conversation you shared with Karkat.

TG: oh yeah
TG: but yeah hes super long winded and his metaphors are actual works of art
TG: he was actually the guy who wrote the top quality hate mail i received

TT: Really?

TG: yeah really isnt that fucking fantastic
TG: you wouldnt have expected it if you were just talking to him in real life
TG: but over messaging holy shit
TG: absolutely glorious
TG: he should really do something with that talent
TG: write a fucking novel or some shit

TT: I would never have expected Karkat to be so…

TG: angry
TG: long winded
TG: creative with his words

TT: Yes.
TT: He always seems so nice and professional.
TT: Then again, I’ve only ever seen him at work, so I suppose I don’t exactly have the most accurate idea of what his personality is actually like.

TG: you also just spend your time flirting with kanaya

TT: The flirting is consensual.

TG: what are you two dating now

TT: Yes, actually.

TG: holy shit
TG: did you go on a date
TG: is that why you couldnt respond to my message
TG: i need a brief overview of what happened stat

TT: Nothing much, really.
TT: All we did was go out to lunch and walk around the park for a little while.
TT: It was nice.

TG: that sounds like a fantastic date
TG: very casual like a first date should be

TT: Agreed.

TG: anyway how are you doing
TG: done anything interesting lately
TG: something other than writing your book
TG: which one are you on anyway
TG: like the fifth or something or other
TG: you just have a large fucking amount of books that you have written
TG: and you go into these modes where you dont talk to anyone unless its the cashier at the grocery store

TT: I require food to survive, Dave.
TT: But, yes, I have done something interesting lately.
TT: Instead of writing a book, I opted for reading something.

TG: what really
TG: what are you reading
TG: actually i dont think i want to know
TG: knowing you its probably something weird with a shit ton of monsters and stuff
TG: not really something im interested in

TT: It's actually a novel that Kanaya recommended to me.
TT: It's very interesting.

TG: well i guess if its not about monsters eating each other or a huge ass monster talking above a whisper that murders everyone its fine
TG: lay it on me

TT: It's actually a series of books.
TT: I'm only on the first one so far, but it holds a certain amount of charm to it.

TG: well youre going to have to do more than just tell me that the book has a certain kind of charm
TG: you might want to actually tell me about the book

TT: Well, it's about a young girl who is being sent to finishing school by her family in order to become a lady.
TT: However, the finishing school she is being sent to is not a normal finishing school.
TT: It teaches a finishing of a different kind.
TT: That is to say, it teaches young ladies to assassinate people as well as gather information.

TG: holy shit
TG: that was not the direction i was expecting that to go

TT: I would recommend the book series to you.
TT: You often like stories with a steampunk theme to them, and Kanaya stated that Etiquette and Espionage is a must read book for all those who love the steampunk genre.

TG: i do have to say
TG: i am a little bit interested in reading the book
TG: i might just go to the bookstore and buy it

TT: I knew you would be curious about it.

TG: yeah well im interested because you said there was a steampunk theme to it
TG: but why were you interested in it
TG: you typically go for the lovecraftian horror stories
TG: god those are so fucking creepy
TG: i have no earthly clue why you enjoy reading them so much
TG: i personally cant stand reading those
TG: ignore my tangent and answer my question instead

TT: I don't know, Dave.
TT: Your tangents are awfully fun to analyze.

TG: goddamn it rose
TG: youre an author not a fucking therapist
TG: regardless of what your chumhandle says
TG: anyway i know kanaya recommended it to you but what actually made you interested in the book

TT: I have always had a certain interest in fashion and such, particularly Victorian fashion.
TT: I also enjoy the humor in the novel.
TT: It is very deadpan, and it is enjoyable to read that someone wants to murder their first husband in a casual tone.
TT: Don't worry though, Dave.
TT: The only murder that occurs is in the last book, and the deaths are of minor characters.
TT: Kanaya assured me this was such.
TT: However, she did mention that there were some graphic descriptions of violence, particularly in the ending part of the last book.
TT: If you don't feel comfortable with that, you don't have to read the novels.

TG: nah
TG: i think i should be more or less ok
TG: if i feel like i cant handle reading some part of it i can always go to you or kanaya to find out what actually happened in that part
TG: but of course you read it because of people possibly murdering their future husbands
TG: do you know why kanaya really liked the series

TT: Apparently, she has an interest in vampires and rainbow drinkers.
TT: So there is a supernatural aspect to the book.

TG: so are there werewolves and shit as well

TT: Yes, there are.

TG: sweet
TG: i probably need to get out of the house anyway
TG: it will give me an excuse to stretch my legs and such

TT: Do you really require an excuse to do that?

TG: yes

TT: Well, don’t let me stop you.

TG: alright
TG: ill be taking my leave

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacletherapist [TT] --

Now, before you leave to go to the bookstore, you needed to do one more thing.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: john
TG: john
TG: i have a very important question for you

EB: lay it on me.

TG: what literary device kingdom would you rule

EB: that’s a really weird question, dave.
EB: i think you might have to elaborate a little.

TG: so rose and i were talking
TG: and we decided that I was the king of metaphors
TG: we later decided that she was the queen of prose
TG: which of course begged the question
TG: what the fuck would you be

EB: i don’t think i want to rule an imaginary literary device kingdom!
EB: it seems like a lot of responsibility.

TG: of course its a lot of goddamned responsibility
TG: youre ruling a kingdom here
TG: a hypothetical kingdom sure
TG: but a kingdom nonetheless
TG: youve got to take care of all the little people residing in your kingdom
TG: but youre basically supposed to chose the literary device that you utilize the most often

EB: i can’t recall using many literary devices!
EB: i think i would probably end up being the subject of one of the kingdoms.

TG: thats fair

EB: what about jade?
EB: have you asked her?

TG: no but she probably rules over personification or something like that
TG: you were more of a mystery

EB: i guess i’m just going to have to think about it.

TG: ill just be waiting over here for you answer
TG: because this lack of information is clearly what is keeping me up at night
TG: well i wont be actually waiting
TG: that would just be creepy as fuck
TG: ill just occasionally check pesterchum to see if you have come up with an answer yet
TG: be sure to pester me when you do alright

EB: i’ll be sure to do that, dave.

TG: thanks bro
TG: anyway im going to the bookstore to get a book rose recommended
TG: for once it was not about horrorterrors
TG: see ya later john

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

Your curiosity had yet to be sated. You were still curious as to what literary device kingdom John would rule. This was of course purely hypothetical, but it was still something very important that you needed to know as soon as possible.

Anyway, you decided that now would be a good time as any to make your way to the bookstore. Since it was literally right down the street, you didn't actually bother going into your car and driving there. That would be pointless and stupid because then you would have to find a parking space and pay for parking and that was entirely too much work to go get a book from a bookstore that was so close to your house.

When you got to the bookstore, you started out be looking around to see if you could find the book anywhere. It occurs to you that Rose never actually told you who the author was. She only told you the name of the book, which was fine, but it would have been very helpful to actually obtain the name of the person who wrote it as well.

You also didn't know all that much about the book save for a few basic things.And like hell are you actually going to ask someone for assistance to find the book. However, Rose did give you the title of the book, which is occasionally good enough.

As you wandered through the store, you ended up being surprised at a familiar face.

Oh god. It was Karkat. And yeah, the two of you talked pretty casually over Pesterchum and Trollian respectively, but you don't really think you could handle an actual interaction with him in person again. It was too soon, and you hadn't exactly had the time to recover from the previous in person interaction you had with him.

Oh no. He just saw you.

"Oh. Dave." Karkat greeted. "This is certainly a surprise."

"Oh, yeah, hi. I mean, hello. Yo? Actually, nevermind. I guess I really did mean hi. So, hi there Karkat. How have you been doing? The store treating you well? Asshole customers not keeping you up at night are they? And, wow, you are still cute. And I'm still rambling on like I'm not able to breathe if I don't talk. Not that I can't breathe if I don't talk, but with the amount of shit coming out of my mouth, I really wouldn't be surprised at this point.Sorry, I'm not very good at talking to people in real life."

"You're not very good at talking to them over text. Whatever delusion you created to make yourself think that you are anything less than a huge fucking dork is completely and utterly false, and at this point in time, you really just should accept that you aren't that good at the social aspect of life." Karkat said.

"Karkat, I'm hurt. You of all people should know how cool of a person I am."

Karkat looked around bewildered for a moment.

"A cool person? I don't see anyone like that. All I see is some dork who wears shades indoors to look cool."

"Harsh, but I do actually wear the shades inside for a legitimate reason. My eyes are super sensitive to light, so if I ever took them off, I'm pretty sure I would go blind."

"They seem like that would be extraordinarily uncomfortable to wear while sleeping. I hope to whatever god you believe in that you don't go blind if you remove them in total darkness."

"Yeah, it's fine if I take them off when there is a low amount of light, but I don't like taking them off that often. Not only do they look super cool and protect me from the evil sunlight, they were a gift from my best bro."

"So, sunlight is evil now?" Karkat asked.

"What? No. Sunlight isn't evil now. It has always been evil. It's just been watching over us like the fucking malevolent god it is."

"I don't think the sun can be considered a god. First of all, there are stars that are way bigger than our sun and a whole lot hotter as well. Second of all, the sun is probably going to die in a couple billion years, so we have that to look forward to."

"I can't wait until the evil that the sun is gets defeated."

"Well, it's not going to be in our short ass lifetimes. I can assure you of that."

"Damn it. And here I was, looking forward to the destruction of the sun."

"Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Unless someone makes a video or a video game where the sun blows up. I don't know." Karkat furrowed his brows. "Maybe then you can live out the fantasy of the sun blowing up? I mean, it would be better than nothing, right?"

"Fair enough. Anyway, what are you getting here at the bookstore?" You questioned.

"Well, I was trying to find a new book to read, but I can't really find anything that I haven't read yet that is in the genre I enjoy."

"You're looking for a romance book, right? Terezi said you liked romcoms and cheesy stuff like that, which is honestly kind of adorable, and please just forget I said that last part. It didn't exist. It was never said. Anyway, you clearly must read a lot to not be able to find something that you haven't read."

"I don't know what I should respond to in that sentence. It all sounded like a huge pile of feces that just won't stop coming out. Except the pile of feces is coming out of your mouth instead of your asshole."

"Maybe you should answer the part where I commented on the amount of reading you do because that is super impressive, and it isn't a creepy compliment like suddenly telling you that you are cute is." You explained.

"Ignoring the fact that you called me cute on multiple occasions, I thank you for your acknowledgment of my prowess in reading a various amount of novels."

"You're welcome. Anyway, if you are having trouble finding something to read, you could always try out a different genre, I guess. I mean, I'm pretty sure there are plenty of action books and stuff that you haven't had the pleasure of reading yet."

"I do still prefer romance novels." Karkat said. "What kind of books do you like to read? Or, I guess, more specifically, what book are you planning on getting here? Or are you just browsing?"

"Rose recommended a book series to me, but I am having a bit of trouble finding it. The first book is called Etiquette and Espionage. Have you heard of it?"

Karkat scoffed.

"Of course I've heard of it! I hear about every book with rainbow drinkers that my moirail can get her hands on! However, it was an amazing series with a properly done romance."

"There's romance in it?"

Karkat looked at you in silence for a few moments before taking a deep breath.

"Yes and a very well done romance at that. Scratch that. There are multiple romances throughout the books. Of course, you have the obligatory red romance triangle that the protagonist ends up getting herself in, but it was obvious from the beginning who she would end up with, speaking as one of her redrom interests she was, at the most, black for, even if there was a bit of red/black vacillating. However, the romantic interests are intriguing due to the sheer difference in blood color. You see, the main character is an olive blood and the two who are trying to court her are a rust blood and a seadweller respectively. Which, of course, puts her in the position of trying to choose between one far above and far below her station in society. She was already testing that, being an olive blood going to a highblood school. In addition, her redrom interests are black as hell for each other, often fighting, and it's done so subtly, and that particular romance was very interesting to read about, even if it was kind of a minor romance in the book. In addition to the redrom interests, she actually gets a moirail, and that romance is adorable as hell, and it is honestly so sweet. She also gets a blackrom interest that she never actually acts on due to that interest being someone she considers an actual enemy."

Karkat looked at you in astonishment for a moment.

"Wow. That was probably one of the first times someone has let me go on for that long about romance without telling me to shut the fuck up."

"Why the hell would I tell you to shut up?" You ask. "You're clearly passionate about it, so I see no reason to shoot down that enthusiasm."

"I, uh. Wow." Karkat just kind of stared at you, and you were beginning to start feeling pretty awkward.

So, of course, you did the only thing you could really actually do.

"Yeah, it would be really shitty of me to just fucking tell you to shut up about something you clearly enjoy talking about. Anyway, it is always super nice just to hear people talk about something they love, and it's just kind of sad when people are sorry for enjoying those sorts of things when really it shouldn't be embarrassing at all. If it's something you love, you should embrace it. It's kind of dumb that people just shoot you down like that, bro. Especially since it was really nice to see you light up like that, and oh my god, please just shut me up."

Karkat started laughing. This was the second time you had gone on a long-winded spiel that he laughed at. It was honestly pretty adorable.

"I guess you're right. Hey, you're having trouble finding Etiquette and Espionage, right? Maybe I could help you find it." Karkat suggested.

"That would be fucking fantastic. Please, show me the way to the elusive novel."

"Right this way."

You followed Karkat to an area you must have looked through ten thousand times, and he just pulled a book off the shelf and handed it to you.

"There you go."

"Holy shit. The cover is pink. Pink is such a nice color, you know? It's all happy and nice and shit, and I really should consider getting some pink into my wardrobe now that I think about it. What do you think, Karkat? Would pink fit my complexion well enough?"

"Probably. You wear red well enough, so you should be able to pull off pink really well."

"Really? Well, maybe you could go out with me to help me pick something out. Usually, I would go with my sister, but she's not very good at picking things out that I actually like, and she doesn't typically like the things that I pick out. Also, it's kind of difficult to shop for yourself, you know? Who knows? Maybe I could help you pick out something new as well. It's always nice to find things that you wouldn't usually pick out for yourself, but then you find out you really enjoy it, you know?"

"That's an odd request, but I don't really see why not."

"So you don't mind helping me out with finding a fun outfit?"

"Not at all. It would probably be fun, especially if we are helping out one another."

"Great. You can bring a friend if you want. You know, if you're uncomfortable with hanging out with me for alone for an extended period of time. It's perfectly fine." You said.

"I think I'll actually take you up on that offer. I have a friend who has been pestering me about getting a new outfit for a potential date he's going to have, and it would be fantastic if I had some extra help.He's a complete mess, and I don't know if he can tell his shoes from his cape."

"Clearly he's a fashion disaster, and we're going to have to fix it. However, I'm warning you now, I am also a fashion disaster."

Karkat looked you up and down, and your throat felt dry.

"I think I can deal with you. You're not nearly as much of a fashion disaster as you may think you are."

"Thanks for the confidence booster. Anyway, when and where do you want to meet for the shopping spree? Unless you want to go over the details over Pesterchum."

"We're already here and planning it. Might as well do it now. I'm free this Saturday. So, maybe we could meet up at noon at some restaurant for lunch and then go to the mall to shop for clothes."

"That sounds fucking fantastic. What restaurant though?"

"I could probably find some place nearby the mall to go to that isn't complete fucking shit. I'll have to ask my friend to see if he's good with that time. He probably will be though. He is almost always free. But, on the off chance that he is not, I can always message you over Trollian, but I’ll have to do that anyway to tell you the exact location and time to meet up.”

"It sounds like a plan." You stated. "Anyway, I'm going to pay for this book, and I'm hopefully going to read it at some point in time instead of just allowing it to rest upon my shelf for the rest of eternity. Mark my works. It will be read."

"Good luck with that." Karkat laughed. "But seriously, I do hope you manage to finish it. It will give us something to talk about on the outing."

"I thought we were going to talk about what kind of clothes we want to try out."

"That's actually a pretty good idea. Just let me jot that down." Karkat pretended to write something down on an imaginary notepad. "There we go. If you have any other ideas, be sure to submit them to my website so that I can fully analyze the shit out of them."

"Will do." You suddenly remembered something very important. "Also, I just remembered I need to ask you what literary device kingdom you would rule."

Karkat looked at you like you had just eaten a lemon whole, rind and all.

"What the fuck kind of question is that?"

"An important one. Come on, please answer it. I don't actually have all day, like some may believe."

"Dave, we just spend a good half hour to an hour standing here and talking to each other."

"Shit, really? Never would have guessed that much time had passed. I still would like an answer though."

"I'll think about it. I'll even message you so you can sate your burning curiosity as soon as I figure it out."

"I'll hold you to that." You said, and you finger-gunned at him. "Anyway, I should be off and actually buying this book and possibly reading it at some point in the hopefully near future."

"You do that." Karkat said.

You left kind of awkwardly. And by that, you meant you totally left in the coolest way possible. Yes. Definitely. Didn't even trip or anything. Okay. So maybe you stumbled a bit, but it's whatever, right? You were still kind of cool, and your dignity was definitely left intact.

You go up to the counter and buy your book and then make your way home. You check Pesterchum to see if John has given you an answer yet. None. Absolutely none. What blasphemy. Well, you can always pester someone else about it.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: jade i have a very important question for you to answer
TG: it is imperative that you answer this message as soon as possible
TG: shits super important
TG: like the world will be destroyed by a whole bunch of meteors if you dont answer this question
TG: it will be fucking catastrophic for everyone involved
TG: and everyone involved will just be everyone in the world
TG: possibly the universe too who really knows

GG: dave

TG: what

GG: just ask me the question already!!!!

TG: oh yeah right
TG: okay ill lay it on you
TG: if you were the ruler of a theoretical literary device kingdom, what literary device would you
be the ruler of

GG: that question is super weird :/
GG: but i guess i would rule personification???
GG: i havent really thought about it really
GG: its kind of super oddly specific too

TG: maybe a little bit
TG: but i knew you would rule over personification
TG: john is still trying to decide what literary device kingdom he would rule over

GG: oh!
GG: maybe he could rule over the hero kingdom!!

TG: is hero a literary device

GG: i think it might be more of a character arc than a literary device but this site seems to count it as one

TG: ok i guess thats fair

GG: im going to keep looking through these literary devices
GG: some of them are kind of funny!!
GG: like this one called non sequitur

TG: what the fuck is that

GG: according to the site its a statement that doesnt really make any sense or have any sound logic
GG: like saying that if all humans have bones and crocodiles have bones
GG: then crocodiles must be humans

TG: what the fuck is that logic

GG: its called non sequitur for a reason!

TG: sounds like something you would find straight off of tumblr
TG: hot off the press and ready to consume

GG: that metaphor didnt really make any sort of sense dave

TG: when do my metaphors ever make sense jade

GG: …
GG: :/

TG: exactly

GG: i found a literary device that might fit john!

TG: what is it

GG: its called a parrhesia
GG: which is basically a fancy way of saying freedom of speech
GG: like saying what you mean and stuff like that

TG: sounds perfect
TG: i will be sure to inform john of this development
TG: pester me if you need anything alright

GG: ok!
GG: :)

TG: …
TG: 8)

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: okay so i found out what kingdom you would rule over

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! --

TG: alright so you arent here
TG: whatever
TG: ill tell you anyway
TG: you would rule over the parthinian kingdom
TG: that was not the correct kingdom
TG: that was just a jumble of words that didn’t even make any sort of sense
TG: they just happened to start with a p
TG: okay just give me a second to double check what it was called
TG: parrhesia
TG: that still sounds like a jumble of words but i swear its an actual real word
TG: it means like freedom of speech or whatever
TG: boldness of speech
TG: i just realized that all you guys have a literary device that begins with a p
TG: prose personification parrhesia
TG: and im just sitting over here on my throne of metaphors
TG: …
TG: super fucking weird
TG: anyway
TG: see ya

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

You weren’t really sure whether or not to tell someone about seeing Karkat at the bookstore. You were kind of tired, and you were all peopled out for the day, so you just decided to go to sleep instead.

You can’t wait for Saturday.

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] --

CG: ERIDAN. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR HIVE.
CG: OPEN THE FUCK UP SO I CAN TAKE YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES SUITABLE FOR A FUNCTIONING PERSON.

CA: all right all right
CA: theres no need to yell kar

CG: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED TO YELL.
CG: NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.

“Finally! It took you long enough!” You yell as soon as Eridan manages to get his ass out of his hive.

“You didn’t even have to wait for that fuckin long, Kar.”

“I know. I just like complaining. Now get in the fucking car, loser. We’re going shopping.”

“Who’s that friend of yours who’s comin with us anyway?” Eridan asked. “I certainly hope he has a better fashion sense than you.”

“Eridan, if you get your head out of your ass for a single moment, then you would be able to inform me of how much of a fashion disaster you are. At least I know something about how to look good because of Kanaya. All you do is throw on shit and hope you look rich.”

“I am rich.”

“I know! That’s why it’s even worse! Half the shit they sell to rich people you can get for two bucks at the thrift store. If you have money, at least make good use of it.”

“I do make good use of it though.”

“Buying a different high-quality cape for every day of the week is not a good use of your money. And before you go on for fuck knows how long about it is fashionable, you can, at the very least, make proper outfits that go with the capes. Or maybe, just maybe, wear a color other than purple for once. I know you’re all about doing that hemospectrum thing, but seriously dude. At least add some white or gray to your repertoire of outfits.”

“I cannot believe that you are insulting the royalness that is the color purple. It is clearly the superior color.”

“Hey! I’m not shitting on purple. I’m just saying that you don’t have to wear it all the time.”

“Says the person who wears gray all the time.”

“I wear black too!” You argue. “Anyway, we’re here.”

“I thought you said we were going shopping.”

“Yeah. And I am absolutely sure that I also mentioned that we were going to eat as well. It’s a lot easier to meet up with someone at a specific location than to just tell them to go to them mall and hope we find each other. Now you get to meet the douchebag I met at Rosemary.”

“Oh my god. Kar.” Eridan suddenly stopped and put one arm in front of you and one on his chest. “That’s Cogsinthegodshead! I’m absolutely certain of it!”

“Why do you watch his trashy as fuck videos?” You roll your eyes. “And that’s the guy who’s going shopping with us.”

“What! I can’t go over there looking like a mess!”

“You look fine. Now stop being a baby and just let me introduce the two of you.” You get closer towards Dave before shouting at him. “Hey! Dave!”

“Karkat!” Dave went from looking kind of bored to lighting up. “Nice to see you again. And I know you said you were bringing a friend, but you have yet to actually tell me who he is or what his name is or whatever.”

“Dave. Eridan. Eridan. Dave.” You say.

“Sup, Eridan. Nice to meet you.” Dave held out his hand for a handshake.

“Hi.” Eridan nervously reached out and grabbed Dave’s hand.

“Eridan, you’re starting to look like Equius with how much you’re sweating.” You comment.

“Shut up, Kar.”

“You know he’s right. You are sweating a lot, dude. Are you like nervous or something? I guess that’s understandable. A lot of people get super nervous about meeting new people and such and such. Or is it because I’m just intimidating? Karkat, am I intimidating? I’m pretty sure I’m like one of the least threatening people you could meet.” Dave rambled.

“No. He’s just nervous because he watches your fucking GrubTube channel for whatever reason.” You answer. “I can’t possibly imagine why. Your channel is a pile of trash that even raccoons refuse to go near.”

“I’m surprised you can come up with new insults about my channel even after writing a ten-page rant about it.” Dave said.

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment.” Eridan pointed at you. “You wrote that entire fuckin thing? I knew the tone of that rant sounded familiar.”

“So I wrote a long ass rant. Sue me! Maybe I could ask Terezi to be my lawyer! Heck! Just make her the prosecution, why not? I’ll probably lose either way!”

“I’m sure TZ’s a better lawyer than that.”

“She is, but she would purposely lose just to spite me.”

“I can not believe you two are arguing about Rezi bein a good lawyer or not.” Eridan interrupted. “We could be havin food right now.”

“Okay, that’s actually a fair point. Let’s mosey on down towards whatever place Karkat here has chosen for us to grace with our glorious presence.”

“At least someone here acknowledges the glorious person that I am.” Eridan looked pointedly towards you.

“Stop being an asshole, and go into the fucking restaurant already.”

The three of you finally manage to get your butts into the restaurant and in a chair at a table.

“Finally.” You say, picking up the menu. “I’m fucking starving.”

The three of you spend a minute deciding on what to eat.

“Okay, so I think I’m gonna get the bacon cheeseburger and, of course, I’m going to get an apple juice as well.” Dave declared.

“What is with your obsession with apple juice? You mention it in so many of your fucking videos on your abominable, distasteful channel.”

“Dude. Apple juice is a fucking elixir for the gods. There is no drink that is more heavenly or holy than apple juice. It is an ambrosia that surpasses even the most Gordan Ramsey approved drinks. It is a fucking gift to the world, and I thank the gods every day that it is even allowed to exist, not even mentioning the fact that we as lowly mortals are permitted to drink this beautiful liquid apple. In fact, I even thank Eve for taking a bite out of the first apple, which may have been tainted and full of sin, but that singular bite enabled us to have this drink to which I hold to the highest degree of beauty. It is gorgeous and ethereal.”

“Yeah, Kar. Apple juice is clearly the superior drink. Much better than that disgusting swill your ex-moirail used to drink.”

“Literally everything is better than Faygo, Eridan. And stop ass-kissing Dave and chose something to eat.”

“I am not ass-kissing.”

“Eridan, I’m not sure if you realized it, but ass-kissing is a phrase used to describe the action of using flattery to gain favor from someone, which is exactly what you are doing.”

“Well, excuse me for bein polite instead of being a sack of shit all the goddamn time.”

“Well shit, Eridan. Excuse me for not realizing that you actually had the capability of being polite.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?” The waitress asked.

“I’ll take apple juice.” Dave said.

“I’ll take the same.” Eridan stated.

“I’ll just have some water.” You say.

The waitress wrote all that down and left.

“You’re just going to get water? Really?” Dave asked.

“Well, yeah. Soda is fucking disgusting, and I absolutely refuse to get some sort of juice to appease your bizarre juice kink.”

“Woah there. Only apple juice gets the god treatment. Every other kind of juice is simply okay in comparison to the god-like properties of apple juice. The rest of the juices are mortals like the rest of us. They practically worship apple juice, and that is a fucking fact, my man.”

“You are lowering the importance of other fruit juices in order to lift apple juice higher than the fucking sun. Other fruit juices are equally as important and as good as apple juice, and they should be treated as such.” You argue.

“But have you considered that apple juice tastes way better than all these other juices, and is therefore considerably better.”

“I’m willing to bet that apple juice was the first drink you’ve ever had because of the bias you have. In fact, apple juice was given a significant advantage of being the best compared to the juices that had just as much potential to become great but didn’t have access to the resources that you bestowed upon apple juice.”

“This is a meritocracy, Karkat! Apple juice got to the top because it had the skills to get to the top.”

“And apple juice only had the skills to get to the top because it was given the resources to enable it to get to the top.”

“And yet, you acknowledge that apple juice is at the top.”

“Eridan, can you tell this douche muffin to shut his fucking pie hole.”

“Kar, is this your way of telling me that you feel ashen towards me?”

“Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck no. Get your ashen quadrant ten thousand feet away from me, as well as what that comment implied. Just. No.”

“A simple no would have sufficed.” Eridan said.

“What exactly did that comment imply?” Dave questioned.

“...Are you seriously asking me that? Have you lost every single one of your brain cells to not be able to recognize what Eridan is implying with his questioning of my ashen intentions?”

“I am seriously asking you this, dude. I’ve never really understood the whole thing going on with troll romance, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain it to me in big block letters in all caps at the top of the page.”

"Where the shit do I even start? You didn't seem to have a problem when I rambled on forever about the romance in Etiquette and Espionage."

"To be fair, I do only know the most basic of basic things about troll romance. I would appreciate a brief rundown."

"Really? You're givin Kar over here permission to go on for fuckin ages about something he fucks up all the time? Good luck with that." Eridan scoffed.

"Excuse me, but have all of you figured out what you want to order?" The waitress appeared.

"Yeah, I'll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries, please."

"I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich." Eridan said.

"And I guess I'll have the turkey sandwich."

She wrote down your orders and left, leaving the three of you alone to bicker.

"Why would it matter if he fucks it up? Everyone fucks up romance at some point or another because it's all confusing, whether you are a human, troll, carapace, or leprechaun." Dave defended.

"Thank you. Now, do you want a brief run down of the quadrants or not?"

"I would."

"I would not." Eridan interrupted.

"Nobody asked you, Eridan." You clear your throat. "Anyway, the basics of troll romance starts with the quadrants being divided into redrom and blackrom, as well as concupiscent and conciliatory. They are represented by four different symbols. The heart is concupiscent redrom, and it is the most similar to human romance, so I'm not going to explain it that much. The diamond is conciliatory redrom, and it's similar to a best friend except more intimate and serious. Its purpose is to placate one another. The spade is concupiscent blackrom, and it is a quadrant based on a mutual feeling of both hate and respect. It's a rivalry in that respect. And then the club is conciliatory blackrom. This quadrant has three people, two of whom are a concupiscent blackrom relationship. The other person is there to make sure that the rivalry doesn't get so out of hand that they start killing each other. The third person tries to prevent this from happening. Do you understand?"

“I think so, but I don’t really know what ashen means?”

“Ashen is for the clubs. When someone feels ashen for someone else, it means that they feel the need to either placate those in the spades quadrant, or those in the spades quadrant feel the need to be placated by another.”

“So when Eridan asked if you felt ashen for him…”

“He was implying that we had a rivalry going on.”

“Oh.” Dave turned extremely red.

“Dave, are you okay? You almost look like you're choking.” You inquire.

“Oh my god!” Eridan shouted. “I really fuckin hope that you didn’t just invite me as a third wheel on some weird kind of date.”

“Eridan! Holy shit! I cannot believe that you think that Dave and I of all people in the entire world are dating. We are not dating.” You turn towards Dave. “Right?”

“Yep.” Dave confirmed. “One hundred percent not dating over here. We’re just two dudes being pals. Just some guys being bros. Best fucking bros for life, my man. The bestest of bros. The dudest of pals. The most hetero goddamned mates in all of existence.”

“If you say so.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I’m lookin to get a new shirt. Maybe purple. I hear that the color is all the rage right now.”

“You say that every single time we go shopping. I know for a fact that it is only all the rage because your favorite color is purple, which is fine, I guess, but you really don’t have to justify liking the color by saying that it’s popular.”

“You’re the one who’s always telling me to wear a color that isn’t purple.”

“Okay! Fine! I’m completely one hundred percent guilty of doing that. What a fucking surprise.”

That was when your food came, and the waitress filled up your water glasses.

"Holy shit. This looks absolutely fantastic." Dave commented before digging into his food. "I was right. It is absolutely fantastic. And I also have this glorious beverage of the gods, regardless of what some people say."

"You sound like you're vague blogging, and that is honestly the most idiotic thing you could possibly do. If you have something to say to me, say it to my goddamned face with no semblance of subtlety. Forget vague blogging. Do attack blogging. Call me out in front of me. Risk a punch to the face, you fucking pansy."

"Are you really calling me a pansy for vague blogging in real life?"

"Yes. Are you going to fight me or not?"

"Wow, Kar. Way to be subtle."

"Shut your fucking mouth before I slice you in half with a chainsaw."

"Way to bring back memories."

"It's not my fault you pissed off Kanaya."

"Wait, wait, wait. I need to know what happened here." Dave interjected. "Kanaya is the one who owns Rosemary and is dating my sister, right? She seems like she wouldn't hurt a fly. What even happened to have Kanaya pissed at you? And what does it have to do with being sliced in half with a fucking chainsaw?"

"You would be surprised by how volatile Kanaya really is. She is very much into getting revenge from people, which is part of the reason I'm her moirail." You explain. "Anyway, the short version of the story is that Kanaya almost cut Eridan in half with a chainsaw because of reasons that are better left unsaid."

"Why a chainsaw?"

"That's the weapon Kan uses." Eridan said. "It transforms into lipstick, so she's more easily able to carry it around. It's fuckin terrifyin to see her use it."

"Never piss her off. Got it."

"It's more than just that. You have to make sure not to hurt the people she cares about either. Even if it is my job to take care of her and make sure that she doesn't kill anyone, I would like you to know in order to make my job at least a little bit easier."

"That is a reasonable thing to warn people about. I do not want to be cut in half by a chainsaw."

"At least one person sees reason."

"Who doesn't have the common sense not to make Kanaya angry if she tried to cut Eridan here in half?"

"Eridan."

"Excuse me, Kar, but I didn't know that she would actually try to cut me in half."

"Literally an hour before she cut off someone's legs in order to replace them with prosthetics."

"What the fuck." Dave's face was completely blank. "Why?"

"He was paralyzed from the waist down. Don't worry though. He did consent to it beforehand. Signed a legal document and everything. It wasn't like she just cut off his legs while he was asleep and unknowing of what she would be doing."

"Eridan. I have a question for you. How the fuck did you manage to think that Kanaya would not cut you in half if you made her mad?" Dave questioned.

Eridan ignored the question by eating his food.

"You can't avoid the question forever." Dave said.

"He can, and he will." You said. "I know this for a fact. I'm still trying to figure what the flying fuck happened between him and Sollux at the party last year."

"He's kept it from you for an entire fucking year?"

"I know, right? Unbelievable. That, or he forgot what happened at some point."

"You know that I'm right fuckin here, right? I'm not just an invisible block for you to talk about in any way you please?"

"Oh, shit. Sorry." Dave apologized. "Wait, what were we even talking about before this entire mess?"

"We were talkin about what clothes to get while at the store."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Okay, so, you said you wanted a shirt of some sort."

"Can we also get you some pants, too? I'm tired of seeing you in pinstripe pants all the fucking time."

"What's wrong with pinstripe pants?"

"Nothing. However, wearing them as often as you do kind of lessens how stylish they are."

"If you think they're so stylish, why are you on my case all the time about getting some new pants?"

"I literally just told you, but, since you need to hear my reason once again, I'm so fucking tired of seeing them on your body. You've beaten a dead horse with those pants, and it is time to move on."

"Maybe I'll just get another pair of pinstripe pants just to spite you."

"It pisses me off that you would actually do something that petty."

"Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do something at least that petty at any given time?"

"An actual good friend."

"It's not like you're yelling at Sollux for doing shit like that."

"I do that all the fucking time. God, Eridan. It's like you're as observant as a brick fucking wall. Every social interaction that occurs goes right over your head. I swear to god you wouldn't even notice if someone was blatantly flirting with you, and you blatantly flirt with anyone that you think might be interested in you."

"Hey! I don't flirt with everyone!"

"You flirted with me of all people, and that is saying something."

"How is that saying anything?" Dave interrupted. "You're cute as hell. Anyone who says you're not is very clearly lacking in proper eyesight. And I know you're a pretty angry person, but you're pretty fun to hang out with and talk to. So, I just don't understand why you would think that someone flirting with you was some sort of bizarre happening that occurs once for every ten hundred flying pigs created."

Eridan just kind of stared at Dave for a brief moment before finding his wits and speaking.

"Dave, are you saying that you have flirted with Kar before?"

"What? No, no. I have not flirted with Karkat over here before, I swear. I just stated the fact that he is cute. Nothing wrong with that."

Eridan looked over to you with a questioning look.

"He definitely flirted with me."

"Lies. Lies and slander." Dave proclaimed, his face red.

"You most certainly flirted with me. I'm just stating a fact." You probably look super smug right now.

"What did he say?" Eridan questioned.

"He really just said I was cute, and he seems to mention it every time we talk to each other."

"That doesn't seem to be a clear reason to be defensive about you saying nobody flirts with you."

"Hey! Excuse me!" Dave yelled at the waitress for their table. "Could we have the check, please? I'll pay for everyone here."

The waitress nodded and left to go get their check.

"Eridan, don't you find it strange that Dave chose that moment to ask for the check?"

"Yeah, Kar. It was very strange."

"Could you two maybe shut the fuck up. We are not in psychology here. It doesn't go any deeper than the fact that Karkat is cute, so could we go back to talking about clothes or something?"

"I guess." You drop the subject. "I don't really know what to get, but I might get a new sweater."

"You do not need a new sweater." Eridan said.

"Says who?"

"Says me. You have enough sweaters to choke someone!"

"I only need one sweater to choke someone." You respond.

"Edgy." Dave commented. "How many sweaters do you even have? It can't be that many."

"Dave. I don't think you understand. Kar over here has an entire closet just dedicated to his sweaters. I'm not even joking. He has plenty of sweaters."

"I will not be satisfied until every orifice of my household is sweaters. I need enough sweaters to be able to choke ten hundred men, each with a different sweater. I need enough sweaters to be able to wear a different one every single day for the rest of my life, and that still won't be enough. You cannot just tell me that I have an absurd amount of sweaters when I clearly will never have enough."

"I see." Dave said. "So, what I'm getting from this is that you have way too many sweaters for a singular person to have, and Eridan has way too many pinstripe pants. Fantastic."

"Okay, so we all have a clothing item we have way too many of. Big fucking surprise. What clothing item do you have way too much of?" You interrogate.

"Here's the check. I'll be back for it later." The waitress came up and gave them the check, which Dave immediately grabbed.

"I'm paying, and there's nothing you guys can do about it."

"What? No. I'm going to be paying, you douche muffin." You argue. "I'm the one who chose the restaurant and brought us out here."

"Dave, just let Kar pay. He won't rest until he does."

"Nope. Look at that. My credit card is all snug and cozy up in this check. There is no way that you can convince me that you're going to pay. And would you look at that? It's gone now. All ready to pay for our meal and shit. Should have been faster."

And there went the check with the waitress. Goddamn it.

"Fine, you reeking pile of shit. But I swear that I am going to be the one paying next time."

"Deal."

"Wow. I don't think anyone has ever successfully stolen the check from Karkat. Then again, most people just let him pay."

"It was a one-time thing. This is the one and only time anyone, and I do mean anyone is paying for a meal that I had with them."

"Is that a challenge?" Dave questioned.

"No. It was not a challenge. It is not a challenge at fucking all. Instead, it is a guarantee that I am going to be the one paying for future meals that I have with you, you sack of public school cafeteria food."

"Scathing. Are you sure that you are not the ruler of the insult kingdom? Because you are fantastic at coming up with those on the fly."

"Insults aren't a literary device, fuckass." You say. "Besides, your literary device kingdoms are dumb and idiotic."

"You only think that because you haven't decided on a literary device kingdom to rule."

"That's because I don't give a singular fuck about it." You look around. "Do you see any fucks? I am seeing a severe lack of fucks. Do you know if that's bad for the economy or environment or something? Is my inability to give a fuck a hazard to the world? I look around, and I see nothing. Nothing has changed from me not giving a fuck. Clearly, the amount of fucks I give doesn't change the state of the universe. It is still just as shitty as the last time I didn’t give a fuck."

"I don't understand. What's this about literary device kingdoms?" Eridan questioned.

"It's this dumb thing that Dave randomly asked me at some point, and now he won't stop pestering me about it."

"It is not dumb. It is very important to figure out what literary device kingdom you would rule. You just have to choose the literary device that you most use or the one you feel embodies you as an individual."

"That's actually pretty interesting."

"Eridan! I can't believe you are on his side!" You shout.

"What! It is interesting! And it's a perfectly fine thing to ask, you know. It's not hurtin anybody."

"Except my think pan from listening to this douchebag over and over."

"And yet, you still refuse to give me an answer. At this rate, I'm going to have to choose something for you."

"Fine! I'll rule the kingdom of metaphors! Are you happy now?"

"What, no. I rule the kingdom of metaphors. There's only room for one ruler in this town. Or kingdom as the case may be."

The waitress had returned Dave's credit card, and the three of you were soon out of the restaurant and making your way towards the mall.

"What about me?" Eridan whined. "What literary device kingdom am I going to rule?"

"Who the fuck knows? Do some research yourself if you're going to be so insistent on it." You say.

"The more pressing issue here is that Karkat is trying to take my throne in my metaphor kingdom."

"I don't want the throne. I just said metaphor so that you might shut up, but, clearly, it just made you even more talkative. And every single word that comes out of your mouth is a polluted waterfall that has killed every fish in it and has corroded away the rocks. Whatever issue you have is now deemed null due to how little I care. Congratulations. Now, if you would, please turn your attention on the subject to Eridan, who is very clearly more interested in this topic than I am."

"Alright, Eridan. You have been chosen to be the next in line in deciding what literary device you want to rule over. Pick anything."

"Hmmm." Eridan thought. "What even constitutes as a literary device?"

"Let's see. According to Google, it is a technique used to produce a special effect in writing. However, that seems like a super broad definition, so just go wild. Or maybe you can go with a genre or whatever."

"Then I guess I'll rule the kingdom of dystopia." Eridan nodded. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

"Eridan, you are such a fucking hipster." You comment.

"Oh, shut up, Kar."

The three of you entered the mall.

"Where are we going to go first?" Eridan asked.

"I was planning on just wandering around until I find something cool." Dave suggested.

"That's actually not a completely repulsive idea." You say. "Now we actually have a plan of some sort."

It didn't actually take long before Eridan was dragging you and Dave into some store that looked as if only the richest of people shopped there. Then again, Eridan was one of the richest of people, so it would make sense he wouldn't give a shit to how expensive things were.

"Look at this shirt! It's absolutely perfect!" Eridan declared. It was a purple, long-sleeved, collared shirt. He zoomed off to the dressing room to make sure that it fit.

"Okay, so I know that we established that Eridan is rich, but exactly how rich is he?" Dave whispered to you.

"Super fucking rich. Why do you think he dragged us into this rhinestone infested place?"

"Point taken. But still. None of the stuff in this place is really my style."

"What do you think?" Eridan dramatically opened the curtain he was behind.

"Looking good." Dave gave him a thumbs up.

"You look less horrible than usual."

"Thanks, Kar. I'll be getting this then."

Once Eridan had paid for his shirt, you all went to a more affordable place.

"Karkat." Dave said after a few minutes of searching. "I found the most perfect thing."

"What is it?"

Dave pulled a pair of pastel pink jeans off the rack.

"Look at this shit. Beautiful. I'm going to look for my size, and then I'm going to try it on."

"Alright. To the dressing room we go, I guess. Eridan! Dave is going to try something on! We're going to go judge his decision like good friends!"

"Okay, Kar. You don't have to yell."

"I always have to yell."

"Why do you two like this store anyway? It's all cheap clothing that isn't very good quality." Eridan complained.

"We like it because it is cheap. Not everyone can be rich like you, Eridan."

"Check it." Dave showed off his pastel pink jeans, which actually looked really good on him.

"I'm not mad at it." You say. Eridan looks at you in awe.

"You actually said something that wasn't completely negative about the clothing."

"Huh. I suppose he did just tell you that you didn't look as bad in your purple shirt. I feel like this is at least the second time something like this has happened in terms of my interactions with Karkat."

"What was the first?" Eridan questioned.

"I made him laugh when I first met him, and Kanaya came running, saying how Karkat laughing was such a rare occurrence."

"You did what?" Eridan looked absolutely flabbergasted. "He never laughs! At least, I have no memory of him laughing."

"Shut up and buy the pants already." You yell at Dave.

"Are we not going to look around for more items of clothing to be worn by one of us?"

"I guess if you really want to."

"Fantastic. Let's find a sweater for you." Dave said.

"He does not need another sweater." Eridan claimed.

"Well, based on Karkat's eloquent speech earlier about how he could not possibly ever have enough sweaters, he clearly does need another sweater."

"At least there is one person here who understands the necessity of a shit ton of sweaters."

You and Dave search for more clothes while Eridan grumbled, and soon you found several clothing items you and Dave wanted to try on.

"What do you think of this?" You were wearing an oversized white sweater with a family of crabs on the front. Dave was wearing a pair of lime green jeans.

"That is the cutest goddamned sweater I have ever seen."

"Thanks. Your pants are awful and way too fucking bright."

"I agree with Karkat on this one." Eridan piped in. "Those pants make you look like a hot mess."

"That's fair, but I do have more things to show y'all."

You and Dave go back into the dressing rooms and continue to get each other's opinions on clothes you picked out. By the time you were done trying on clothes, you had at least three items you really wanted to purchase.

"I guess we can go to the cashier and buy all this sweet loot now." Dave said.

"After you guys buy your shit, could we go to a store that doesn't have the lowest quality shit I have ever seen in my life?"

"Why not? Karkat and I are pretty happy with what we're buying, right?"

"I guess you can go to your hipster stores.”

Eridan lit up and allowed you and Dave to go purchase your clothing items before dragging you off into another expensive looking store.

In the end, Eridan ended up with the most clothing items purchased. Big surprise. He was, after all, the richest of the three of you.

"Well, I had a great time." Dave said once you all had gotten to the parking lot. "Maybe we could do it again sometime."

"It wouldn't be the worst way to spend my time. Just pester me or whatever if you want to do something." You respond, and you and Eridan get into your car.

"Kar, that was a whole lot of flirtin that was going on there." Eridan said. "And you never act that nice to people. At the very least, I've never seen you act that nicely to anyone."

"Eridan, I have no idea what you're talking about." You claim.

"No idea what I'm talkin about? I say that's a whole load of bull. I mean, yeah, you insulted him once in awhile, but those insult didn't hold nearly as much fire as your usual insults do."

"Eridan, I already have a moirail."

"What! I know that! I'm merely questioning if you have any feelings for Cogsinthegodshead."

"Are you seriously going to use his Grubtube name while talking to me?"

"It's a significant thing, Kar. He's practically famous after the video where he reviewed your rant."

"That's because of the memes."

"I still don't know what memes you're talkin about, and I have a feeling you will refuse to tell me."

"You would be completely right about that."

"But I would at least like to know if your feelings for him are red or black because I really can't tell. Then again, I’m in a similar boat myself."

"Oh, yeah. That's right. You never did tell me who you had feelings for. Or even if you figured out if they were red or black."

"That's because I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it might be more red. I still don't want to tell you who it is though."

"That's fair. And, Eridan? As much as I platonically hate you, I wish you luck in your romantic endeavors. Just don't come to me when you are going to talk about how much sex you had."

"Kar!"

"What? It's not something I want to hear about." You frown. "And I don't have any feelings for Dave."

"Really?"

"Really. Now get the fuck out of the car before I remove you myself, you festering pile of ten-year-old fish."

"Alright. Alright. I'm leaving."

Once Eridan had removed himself from your car, you drove back home. You went to your computer and saw that someone was trolling you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat I Recently Had The Most Lovely Date With Rose
GA: We Went To The Art Museum And Talked About The Various Outfits And Scenery Of The Paintings
GA: In Addition We Went To A Coffee Shop And Spoke About Several Books We Both Happened To Take An Interest In

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

GA: It Was Very Pleasant

CG: DID YOU TWO DO ANYTHING ELSE?

GA: We Did Kiss At The End Of The Date Which Was Really Quite Nice

CG: I’M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD DATE.
CG: AND YOU MANAGED NOT TO KILL SOMEONE DUE TO THEM SAYING SHIT?

GA: I Opted To Restrain Myself
GA: Not That Anyone Actually Said Anything
GA: The Lack Of Negative Phrases Certainly Made The Date More Enjoyable
GA: What About You
GA: Did You Do Anything Of Interest Today
GA: Or Did You Decide That It Was Best To Stay Inside All Day On Your Day Off
GA: I Know That Is What You Usually Do But It Does Not Hurt To Ask

CG: I ACTUALLY DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES INDOORS ALL DAY.

GA: Do Tell

CG: I WENT OUT TO A RESTAURANT WITH DAVE AND ERIDAN.
CG: AND THEN WE WENT SHOPPING AT THE MALL.

GA: Did You Buy Anything That Was Not A Sweater

CG: YES.
CG: I BOUGHT FOOD.

GA: Karkat You Need More Than Just Sweaters In Your Closet

CG: I DO HAVE MORE THAT JUST SWEATERS IN MY CLOSET!
CG: I HAVE JEANS, SWEATPANTS, AND A SUIT.

GA: Having Enough Sweaters To Choke A Man While Having Only Having Enough Pants To Last A Week Does Not Constitute A Proper Wardrobe

CG: AS LONG AS I HAVE CLOTHES ON MY BODY, I WON’T GET ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY.

GA: I
GA: I Guess So
GA: But My Statement Still Stands
GA: And You Really Went With Eridan Of All People

CG: I KNOW YOU HATE HIM, BUT I CAN STILL HANG OUT WITH WHO I WANT TO.

GA: I Am Fully Aware Of That And My Platonic Hatred Towards Him Should Not Affect Whether Or Not You Make The Decision To Speak With Him In A Friendly Manner
GA: I Am Merely Questioning Your Choice To Go Shopping With Him
GA: As Far As I Know He Still Wears Those Horrible Capes And Pinstripe Pants Everywhere He Goes

CG: I WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO HELP HIM WITH HIS FASHION SENSE BECAUSE HE’S APPARENTLY FLUSHED FOR SOMEONE.

GA: That Is Certainly Something That Most Definitely Took Me Off Guard And I Did Not Expect At All
GA: That Was Sarcasm In Case You Could Not Tell
GA: Who Is It

CG: FUCK IF I KNOW.
CG: HE DIDN’T TELL ME.

GA: That Is A Shame
GA: You Know How I Love Talking And Learning About What Others Are Up To
GA: Even If That Other Person Seems To Have A Different Crush On Someone Every Month

CG: YEAH, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE PREVIOUSLY TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE FELT RED OR BLACK FOR THE PERSON.

GA: Really

CG: YEAH, REALLY.

GA: That Is Unusual
GA: He Typically Figures It Out Almost Immediately

CG: THAT’S WHY IT’S WEIRD.
CG: IT’S POSSIBLE THAT THE CRUSH MAY LAST A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME THAN USUAL.

GA: That Is Something To Gossip About
GA: I Would Appreciate It If You Could Keep Me Updated On How That Goes

CG: I’LL BE SURE TO DO THAT.

GA: You Also Mentioned Going Out With Dave
GA: How Was That

CG: IT WAS FINE.

GA: Only Fine
GA: You Appeared To Get Along With Him A Little Better Than Your Outing Merely Being Fine

CG: IT WAS ENJOYABLE.
CG: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

GA: Quite
GA: Also I Would Appreciate It If You Informed Dave That His Suit Will Be Ready For Fitting Soon
GA: Tell Him To Come To The Shop At Two Pm For It
GA: I Have Already Informed Rose But I Do Not Have Daves Contact Information And I Would Very Much Like To Make Sure That He Has Been Notified

CG: ALRIGHT.
CG: I’LL GO DO THAT NOW.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY.
CG: DUDE WHO RUNS THE MOST INSUFFERABLE CHANNEL KNOWN TO HUMANS AND ALIENS ALIKE.
CG: DAVE.
CG: IT STANDS FOR DOUCHE, ASSHOLE, VAIN, AND ENRAGING.

TG: no actually it stands for delightful amazing vain and enchanting

CG: YOU LEFT VAIN IN THERE.

TG: no shit my dude sometimes youve just gotta accept what life has given to you
TG: and i know im absolutely fucking gorgeous and am therefore vain
TG: not going to deny that shit

CG: THAT’S FAIR.

TG: should i try to do it with your name

CG: I HAVE A FEELING YOU’RE STILL GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF I PROTEST AGAINST IT.
CG: GO AHEAD.
CG: GIVE ME YOUR WORST.

TG: kranky arousing radical kranky aggravating and traitor
TG: *arduous

CG: …
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO START WITH THE TWO “KRANKYS” OR THE FACT YOU PUT AROUSING THERE FIRST BEFORE CORRECTING IT TO ARDUOUS.

TG: you could just tell me what you were going to tell me

CG: I GUESS I COULD SET ASIDE MY QUESTIONING FOR LATER.
CG: KANAYA WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD COME TO ROSEMARY ON WEDNESDAY AT TWO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR FITTING DONE FOR YOUR SUIT.

TG: oh shit the suit is done already
TG: its been like two weeks

CG: IT’S NOT DONE YET.
CG: YOU HAVE TO GET IT FITTED FIRST, AND THEN YOU GET TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS IN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM SUIT TO ACTUALLY FIT YOU.

TG: righty tighty sounds alrighty

CG: THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LOOKING AT.

TG: wait until you hear it in person

CG: THAT WOULD BE THE SECOND WORST THING I COULD EVER LISTEN TO.

TG: what about the first

CG: YOUR CHANNEL.

TG: ouch
TG: anyway ive got to go now
TG: my videos dont make themselves after all

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: I HAVE DONE THE DEED.

GA: Thank You But Do You Really Have To Sound Like You Just Killed Someone When In Fact You Did Not And Likely Never Will

CG: YES.

GA: Carry On Then
GA: <>

CG: <>

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

Chapter Text

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose
TG: rose
TG: rose lalonde
TG: rose insert middle name here lalonde
TG: what is your middle name anyway
TG: i dont think ive ever learned it
TG: do you even have a middle name
TG: did you ever just make up a middle name for yourself
TG: like every time someone asked about it you just threw a random name that could possibly be your middle name at them
TG: one person asks and youre like yeah of fucking course i have a middle name its alexandria
TG: but then a completely different person asks and your middle name is suddenly irene
TG: or are you one of those people with like a bazillion different middle names
TG: rose
TG: answer me
TG: i know youre not idle because it hasnt given me that message that youre idle
TG: rooosse

TT: I do have a middle name.
TT: It’s Violet.

TG: what really

TT: Yes.
TT: Why were you being so persistent in attempting to contact me anyway?

TG: did kanaya tell you that i needed to be at rosemary today at two

TT: Yes, she did.
TT: …
TT: Oh.

TG: yeah
TG: i would have gone by myself but i had a feeling you would want to go see kanaya again

TT: I appreciate your consideration.
TT: Should I come pick you up or would you rather us meet up at the store?

TG: you should come pick me up
TG: its ten times easier than trying to get to the store at the same time

TT: Will do.
TT: I’ll be there soon.

You wait around for a few minutes until Rose knocks on your door.

“How are you doing, my dear brother?”

“Rose, you messaged me like twenty minutes ago. You know damn well how I’m doing.”

“You make that sound as if something horrible is going on in your life. And here I am, remembering how you messaged me recently about going shopping with Karkat.”

“And we’re going now. Come on. We don’t have much time to lose. If we don’t get to the store soon, reality is going to cease to exist. I know this may sound bad, but it’s true, so we’re going to have to go off into space towards Venus. And by space I mean road and by Venus I mean Rosemary. If we don’t, then reality will come apart bit by bit. First, all the details of everything will start to fade, and we won’t even realize it at first because the fucking details are so goddamned tiny, and who even takes notice of them anyways? Then, shadows start fading away until everything looks 2D, but everything is still in 3D even if it doesn’t look like it. Afterwards, shitty jpeg artifacts will spring from the void, and this will keep on happening until our reality is indistinguishable from the void.”

“Perhaps I will get to meet Cthulhu. They do, after all, reside in the void.”

“I’m pretty sure that Cthulhu is the mightiest of all the fucking horrorterrors. You might have to meet each of the lesser horrorterrors, like, I don’t know, Fluthlu or something, before you even start to think about meeting Cthulhu.”

“Of course. How could I be so blind as to not be able to realize that it was required for me to meet every other horrorterror in nonexistence before I, a mere mortal, am able to even begin to comprehend Cthulhu’s power? However, I must say that it is appealing to meet Fluthlu and to hear his call, even if it means any joy I feel will be lost forever.”

“What the fuck? You mean Fluthlu is an actual thing? I was just making shit up.”

“Yes, Dave. Fluthlu is an actual thing, although he is the smallest and weakest of all the horrorterrors.”

“How big is he exactly?”

“Larger than the tallest skyscraper. If you wish, I can lend you the Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious so that you may get somewhat of a grasp of the monstrosities that reside in the furthest ring.”

“No, thank you. I am a okay over here where I am. I have absolutely no desire to succomb to the forces of the rulers of the void.”

“Maybe one day I’ll be able to be given orders from those from the furthest ring so that I may carry out their demands.”

“Jesus.”

“No. The opposite, really.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Like I said, I don’t believe Jesus has anything to do with submitting to the Gods of the Void.” Rose parked the car, and the two of you entered into Rosemary.

“I would very much appreciate it if you would stop licking the clothes. Right here is a sign that we put up just for you.”

“Karkat! You don’t have to talk like I don’t know you!”

“As much as I would love to use more colorful descriptions of why you should not lick the clothes, I would prefer to stay professional while I am at work.”

“Wait. Do I smell?” Terezi went towards you. “Is that you, Dave? I haven’t smelled your face in ages!”

“Holy shit, Rezi. I was wondering why this place had a sign that said not to lick the clothes. Have you been getting into a shit ton of trouble recently?”

“As a lawyer of my standing? Of course not! There would be hell to pay.” Terezi cackled. “Anyway, what is a cool kid like you doing here?”

“He’s here to get fitted for his suit.” Karkat answered for you. “Also, I think Kanaya and Rose have already gone back there, so go back there before they start doing things that none of us want to hear.”

“Will do.” You finger gun towards Karkat. “Sorry that I have to cut this meeting short, Rezi, but I don’t believe my ears can handle the sounds of two flighty broads going at it.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll just annoy Karkat some more.”

“No, you won’t.” Karkat interrupted. “Because you literally just had an appointment, and you should therefore be leaving now unless you are able to behave yourself in this establishment.”

“Wow, way to sound like a mom, Karkat.”

“Just…” Karkat rubbed at his eyes with one hand. “Go get your fitting done, Dave. And, Terezi, don’t lick the clothes. We have gone over this one hundred times.”

“One hundred and three, actually. Specific numbers are important in court.”

You go to the back to get your fitting done, despite wanting to see how the conversation would play out.

When you got to the back room, Kanaya and Rose were giggling about something or other, but, when they noticed that you were there, Rose gave Kanaya a smile and left the room, presumably to look around the shop. That left you with Kanaya by yourself.

"While I do love spending time with Rose, I feel as if it would be unprofessional to constantly be distracted by my girlfriend while doing my work, so I requested that she go look around the store while I do your fitting." Kanaya got out a bunch of stuff and asked if you would try on the suit she made.

You put on the suit, and she began to busy herself with making marks and holding the fabric aside to see if it would fit you better if it was like this or like that.

"So, how have you been doing, Dave?"

"I'm still doing videos on Grubtube if you were wondering. That hasn't stopped being a thing. I actually got a huge spike in viewers after I reviewed Karkat's rant, so I suppose I have that to thank him for. He'd probably be horrified though. Might spur him on to make yet another scathing rant."

"I'm sure it would be just as amusing as the first rant he wrote."

"That's a guarantee. I don't think I've ever met anyone as creative with words as he is. Does he do any writing? He should. He would probably be really good at it."

"He does dabble in writing." Kanaya said. "Although, I believe I may be understating it. He does a bit more than just dabble in writing. It's similar to a second job for him, except that he's more passionate about writing than he is about his job here, even if I do everything I can to make sure that Karkat enjoys his job here."

"That's nice of you. There are so many business owners who take advantage of all the poor kids who need money so badly that they are willing to work a shitty job for minimum wage and attempt to live off of that."

"Yes. It is really awful. I do pay Karkat and my other employees a living wage, and I give them various job benefits."

"Sounds like a fucking dream job."

"For some, it is. It isn't the case for Karkat, however. He simply works here because he needs to money, as he hasn't exactly gotten much in terms of royalties for his writing."

"What does he write, anyway? Has he published anything?" You ask.

"He mostly writes romance novels. I assume he has already informed you of his interest in romance?"

"Oh, yeah. He only talks my ears off about how these two's relationship in this novel is absolute shit, and that guy should not be within one hundred feet of the other person, and that it's a mutually unhealthy relationship, and they should really just break it off now."

"I'll take that as a yes then. As for if he's published anything, he has published a few short stories, but he has yet to feel satisfied enough with the novel he's working on to publish it. It's actually kind of a shame since it is a phenomenal story."

"What's his story about?"

"I think Karkat explains it better than I do, so you might want to ask him. Afterall, it is his story. It's possible he'll even let you read it, but try not to get your hopes up."

I'll keep that in mind."

"Alright, I've finished. You can change back into your normal clothes. And do you mind giving me your contact information? I'm afraid I forgot to ask you when you were last here."

"No problem."

You got out of the suit in order to put on your regular clothes before trading chumhandles with Kanaya.

"Thank you. I'm going to talk to Rose for a bit about the suit, so you can go out there and roam around the store or talk to Karkat about his novel."

"Alright. Should I get Rose for you?"

"That would be greatly appreciated."

You leave the room to go find Rose, who you find quickly.

"Yo, Rose. Your girlfriend wants to talk to you about the suit or something in the back."

"Alright."

Rose left, and you glanced around the store a bit before making your way towards Karkat.

"So, Karkat, I heard you like writing. That's pretty cool."

"Yeah. I don't think you would be very interested in what I write though. It's mostly romance."

"What, no. If I wasn't interested, why the flying fuck would I be asking about it? I may seem like a complete insufferable prick, but I do actually have a heart that is capable of appreciating a well-written romance. I've gotta have my emotional fix of romantic content every once in awhile instead of rejecting any semblance of such a thing because some people don't like it when boys enjoy romantic things. It's like, jeez. Why can't a guy just be given flowers for once? It's not hurting anyone for a guy to love and appreciate his significant other showering him with love and affection."

Karkat smiled and chuckled.

"It sounds like you're not as much of a douch-muffin when it comes to romance as I first thought."

It takes you a moment to respond because Karkat smiling at you caught you off guard.

"Oh, yeah, I guess not." You finally manage to scrounge up the words to respond to him. "So, anyway, Kanaya mentioned you were writing a novel. What's it about?"

"Well, like I said, it's a romance, so, of course, you have to have the main character and their love interest. But there isn't really much actual conflict in the book. It's mostly just about two guys who become friends and eventually get together to have a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship." Karkat sounds like he's holding back, but there's this soft passion in his eyes that make you want to ask him more about his novel.

However, before you can do so, Rose comes out of the back.

"Are you ready to go, Dave?" Rose asked.

"I guess so. Hey, Karkat. Tell me more about your novel over pesterchum, alright? It sounds really interesting."

"Okay." Karkat looked kind of dumbstruck, but you were already being dragged out of the store by Rose.

"What's the rush?" You ask when the two of you make it to the car.

"I just learned that Kanaya's birthday is coming up." Rose had a grave look on her face. "I don't have any idea what to get her."

"Maybe you could try getting her smething simple but heartfelt." You suggest.

"How can I just get her something simple when she's so..." She paused and stumbled over her words like a highschool girl with a crush. "Beautiful? Intelligent? Deserving of an amazing gift because she has blessed the world with her existence?"

"Okay, that's fair, but I don't think you have to worry about it so much if that's how you feel about her. Kanaya will probably love whatever you get her. If you don't believe me, I can give you Karkat's Trollhandle so that you can contact him. He would know better than anyone other than Kanaya if she would like a certain gift or not."

"I guess that would be a simpler solution. What's his handle?"

"CarcinoGeneticist. I could write it down if I had some paper and pen, but I guess I can just do that real quick when we get to my place."

"I would be grateful for that."

"Sure, anytime. But I still think that, no matter what you get Kanaya, she will love it. Speaking of her birthday though, I should probably get something for her. Huh. It occurs to me now that I don't actually know her that well since I don't talk to her that often. Then again, I could always just contact her when I get home because I got her Trollhandle while at the store. That is, if she doesn't contact me first to talk about when she should be able to get my suit done. Wait, wait, I won't be able to contact her once I get home because she'll be at work, so I would have to wait a while. And I can't talk to Karkat immediately because he is also at work. Well, shit. Guess I'll just have to play the waiting game."

"I guess you will. What were you talking about with Karkat? I didn't get to talk to him much while I was out there because he was speaking to Terezi, who I know about as well as you know Kanaya."

"We started talking about a novel he was working on. It's a romance novel, but I didn't really get to learn much about it, but Karkat looked like he wanted to say a lot more about it, but he didn't, which is kind of sad because I really wanted to know more about it. Obviously because I want to be a good friend and shitty friends don't listen to their friends when they talk about shit they love."

"Of course not. Anyway, we're at your place now, so could you grab a piece of paper and pen in order to write down Karkat's Troll handle."

"Sure thing, Lalonde." You quickly go inside your house and write down carcinoGeneisist on a piece of paper before giving it to Rose.

"Thank you."

"No prob, Bob."

"Please never say that again." Rose requested.

"Righty tighty, sounds alrighty." You finger gun at her and leave before she can tell you off for saying that, if the disgusted look on her face is anything to go by.

You were now at home. What to do.

Pester your friends, of course. You haven't talked to your best buddy in a while.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: yo egbert are you there

EB: yeah i'm here.
EB: what do you want to talk about?

TG: i dont know man a guy cant just pester his best friend for no good reason at all

EB: well, i guess he can!
EB: but you usually have something in mind to talk about when you pester me.

TG: i guess a conversation usually does require a topic to talk about to actually have some kind of conversation
TG: but there are plenty of conversations that take place in this world that are absolute bullshit and nothing ever gets done or said
TG: but seriously
TG: we havent talked in a while
TG: hows it going

EB: it's going pretty good!
EB: i'm getting more popular, and i think some of my jokes have become a meme?
EB: i can't remember which ones off the top of my head, but some people are beating a dead horse.
EB: like, i get it, my jokes are funny, but is it really necessary to repeat them until even the mention of a single word from it sets off laughter from anyone who hears it?

TG: it is most certainly necessary
TG: thats how memes live
TG: and that is how they die
TG: it is the way of the meme
TG: youve gotta get to the point where an outsider looking in wont be able to decipher all the fucking nonsense coming from the internets
TG: even people who know the meme inside and out will have to stare at the meme for a bit of time before they finally understand
TG: the meme will die when the people say it dies
TG: but the meme will live on forever in peoples hearts

EB: that sounds excessive.

TG: the world is excessive john

EB: that doesn't even make sense.

TG: listen
TG: the world is big
TG: its got so many fucking things in it
TG: people plants animals and a shit ton of other things
TG: they all live on this one planet with the sun shining bright in the daytime and the moon hung overhead threatening to destroy us at night
TG: All these things that our big ass planet has
TG: but there are planets that are so much fucking larger than our planet
TG: and they have a bunch of shit on them as well
TG: and then there are stars bigger than our sun
TG: and they have a bunch of shit in them
TG: and our universe expands and retracts like its some kind of giant frog idk
TG: the universe is excessive
TG: the world is excessive
TG: our entire existence is excessive
TG: all is excessive

EB: okaaaaaaaay........

TG: you may not accept it but it is the full truth
TG: anyway
TG: is there anything else interesting that is happening in your live currently

EB: well, there is this one thing that keeps happening to me

TG: lay it on me

EB: recently, there has been this one person who's been coming to a lot of my shows, but all they do is boo whatever i say.
EB: it makes people laugh, so i don't usually pay it that much attention, but it's been the exact same person every time.
EB: it's starting to get pretty annoying.

TG: obviously what you gotta is retaliate somehow
TG: like come up with a gold star quality comedy act about how they come to every fuckin thing you do and just boo you
TG: thats some comedy gold all by itself dude

EB: i've thought of that, but wouldn't that be kind of mean?
EB: what if the person doesn't want that kind of attention?

TG: dude if they have been to so many of your acts only to boo you every time you say something funny then they are clearly after attention
TG: it all depends on where you want this to go
TG: if you want to feed them then you can go ahead and feed them
TG: but you also have the choice to just leave them alone
TG: nothing is stopping you from doing whatever you want to do

EB: i guess?
EB: maybe i'll just leave it alone for now.
EB: they might stop if i ignore them for long enough, right?

TG: probably
TG: but i hope you realize that the trope of ignoring a bully will make them stop bullying only works if you really dont actually care
TG: the main question here is how do you feel about this person booing you at your comedy acts

EB: it's mostly just annoying.
EB: like, yeah, they boo pretty often, but, at the same time, they're cackling like my joke was the funniest thing they've ever heard in their life.
EB: at this point, it's kind of enduring.

TG: well shit
TG: if thats how you feel then you should definitely do a comedy act based on their cackling at your joke while also booing at your joke

EB: i'll think about it.
EB: enough about me though.
EB: how have you been doing?
EB: i've just been talking about myself this entire time.

TG: mostly ive just been kind of doing the usual
TG: but rose recently forced me to go get a custom suit from this place
TG: and i met this guy there that i became friends with
TG: and rose started dating the lady who owned the place

EB: how long ago did this happen???

TG: well it happened within the span of about two weeks maybe more because rose had been talking to the owner before i went there
TG: but they started dating within that two week time period

EB: i feel like i should have been informed of this sooner.
EB: i have to tell rose that i'm happy for her!

TG: she probably would have told you herself at some point
TG: no need to get any sort of backwater information from her twin

EB: still...
EB: but aside from that, what's your friend's name?
EB: and what's he like?

TG: his name is karkat and hes pretty angry but hes nice when you get to know him and he likes romcoms

EB: you know karkat????

TG: you know karkat?????

EB: of course i know karkat!
EB: he sent me a long rant about how my jokes were dumb and idiotic, but they still made him laugh for some reason.

TG: what a coincidence
TG: he sent me a long rant about how pointless and confusing my channel is

EB: ...
EB: is this just a thing he does?

TG: i honestly have no idea
TG: i have not heard anything about him sending long ass rants to people other than me or you but who really knows
TG: what made you contact him

EB: he seemed kind of funny, so i just emailed him back, and we eventually traded chumhandles.
EB: what about you?

TG: so remember how i said i met him at the store rose dragged me to

EB: yeah?

TG: i didnt know he was the one who made the rant at the time and i may have ended up giving him my chumhandle

EB: you didn't know he wrote the rant when you gave him your chumhandle?
EB: how did you not recognize the tone almost immediately?

TG: he was at work and being all professional and shit
TG: it wasnt until later when he contacted me that i found out
TG: apparently he originally got my chumhandle from tz but didnt contact me because he thought i was a douche
TG: but he changed his mind when he met me in real life

EB: you're as much of a douche in real life as you are on the internet.
EB: which is to say, you're a huge dork, and there's nothing you can do about it.
EB: but your first impressions do tend to make you seem like a prick.
EB: no offense!

TG: none taken

EB: so why would he not think you were as much of douche as he thought you were?
EB: you only don't act like a douche for first impressions unless it's someone you find attractive.
EB: wait.
EB: oh.
EB: dave, did you flirt with karkat????????

TG: what no
TG: maybe
TG: there is a possibility that a little bit of flirting was done
TG: but shhh
TG: no one can know

EB: we all know you have feelings, dave.

TG: shit my secret has been found out
TG: whatever am i going to do

EB: maybe you'll have to stage your death.
EB: the shittiest death you can possibly think of.

TG: oh shit what would be the shittiest death
TG: like what is the most idiotic way to die that you can think of

EB: i don't know.
EB: i think once a guy died because he was trying to find wi fi, but he ended up falling off a building.

TG: ouch
TG: that was way shittier than what i was thinking of
TG: and i wasnt even thinking of real people that actually died in stupid ways
TG: i have been blind to the possibilities

EB: clearly!

TG: no need to get smart with me egbert
TG: i was merely over here thinking about how fucking dumb it would be if i died by dogs
TG: like two dogs manage to ahold of a knife or something
TG: and they start stabbing me in the ankle or the leg
TG: i guess it would depend on how big the dogs were
TG: if they were big dogs it would be a little less stupid
TG: but can you imagine how goddamned idiotic it would be if i were to die by little itty bitty dogs like fucking chihuahuas or some shit
TG: it would be so fucking stupid
TG: cause i would be over here giving them love and affection
TG: and then they stab me in the leg
TG: and i would be like awww
TG: youre trying to stab me you little cutie
TG: and then i would die
TG: because i was being an idiot who didnt realize that i should not trust any lifeform with a knife

EB: chihuahuas are pretty angry though.

TG: youre right they are
TG: big dogs are so goddamned sweet
TG: like jades dog
TG: hes just big and fluffy and friendly
TG: everytime i visit her i just get a face full of slobber
TG: bec looking so goddamned happy to see me
TG: dogs really are the good in the world
TG: and roses cat hates me
TG: well he doesnt really hate me
TG: he just
TG: ignores and avoids me as much as possible
TG: i have no idea why
TG: he could at least be clawing at my face
TG: pretty sure i smell like birds and dead shit half the time

EB: why would you smell like birds?

TG: dude
TG: have you seen how crows just fucking flock to me

EB: not really.
EB: then again, we don't really hang out that much in real life.

TG: shit youre right
TG: the next time you come around here we have got to hang out and catch up
TG: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as you

EB: no.
EB: anyone who sees us will be jealous that they dont have a bro as great as YOU!

TG: bro

EB: bro.

TG: youre the best bro any bro could ever ask for

EB: come here, bro.
EB: i'm going in for the rare bro hug.
EB: we're doing this man.
EB: we're making this happen.

TG: john while i appreciate the gesture that meme is about seventeen thousand seven hundred seven six years old

EB: it's not that old!
EB: i mean, it is pretty old, but it's not that old.

TG: i made that joke when i was thirteen john
TG: thirteen
TG: its time to retire the meme
TG: how did you even become a world famous comedian if you dont know when to retire a meme

EB: it's because i started the memes, dave

TG: shit youre right
TG: how could i ever forget the impact you have had on the meme industry
TG: and yet here you are
TG: reusing memes that are what
TG: like fifteen years old at least
TG: and its a meme that i started
TG: and is only limited to our friend group that is made up of like four people

EB: we have a larger friend group than just four people!

TG: not when we were thirteen we didnt
TG: we just kind of messaged each other because we were lonely kids who didnt really have any friends
TG: thank god we actually managed to become adults
TG: its a fucking miracle
TG: and now we are just living our lives and talking to new people and having an okay time
TG: so all i can think of now is just
TG: thank god we lived

EB: ...

TG: ...
TG: well this got weirdly personal really quickly
TG: i think its time to terminate this conversation before it gets any more reminiscent of things that may or may not have happened in the past
TG: i might talk to jade about how her plants are doing or something

EB: we should really contact each other more often.
EB: so, don't be a stranger, dave!

TG: of course not

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: yo jade
TG: how are your plants doing
TG: what stuff do you even grow during the fall
TG: like pumpkins and shit
TG: or does it even matter where you live

GG: hey dave!
GG: im pretty sure it does actually matter now, especially since i dont live on a tropical island anymore

TG: oh yeah
TG: i almost forgot about that
TG: how is society treating you

GG: i dont know how you forgot when ive been living in society for around ten years, if not more
GG: <_<
GG: as for how my plants are doing, theyre doing well!
GG: ive been growing some cauliflower and broccoli
GG: im looking forward to being able to eat them!
GG: and possibly sell a few since people seem to love freshly grown vegetables

TG: sounds fantastic
TG: people must be clamoring to get even a single taste of the famous homegrown vegetables made by the one and only jade harley
TG: youve become internet famous what would you like to say to your fans ms harley

GG: as much as i would love to give my vegetables to everyone, i only have so many
GG: and i also want to keep some of them :p

TG: there you have it folks
TG: not all of you will get the freshly grown vegetables youve been waiting for
TG: better luck next year
TG: or next season
TG: or whatever time you decide to grow more vegetables
TG: or they can grow their own or something like that
TG: who really knows tho
TG: maybe they have the worst green thumb known to man
TG: like the last time they tried gardening they ended up burning the house down
TG: nobody is actually sure how that happened
TG: but goddamn if it didnt happen

GG: i think someone burning their garden down would be unlikely :/

TG: and yet it happened
TG: it could totally happen
TG: maybe they were misinformed on how to properly take care of plants
TG: like they were told they had to set fire to the plants to give them nutrients
TG: or they came from an alternate reality where people had to give fire to plants instead of water
TG: so just imagine a person waking up and going up to fire up their plants only to find that destroys them
TG: they would be so confused and probably super terrified

GG: i kind of feel bad for them, since they probably spent so long taking care of their plants, and then their garden goes up in flames because they woke up in an alternate reality
GG: :(
GG: its just so sad!

TG: yeah it is super sad
TG: but afterwards they probably figure out that they woke up in an alternate reality
TG: and then they either try to go back or figure out how to take care of plants in the new universe they woke up in

GG: :)

TG: can you imagine the person in the other world
TG: they get up to water their plants
TG: only to find that kills the plants there
TG: maybe the two of them communicate with each other
TG: it would be super fucking awesome if someone were to build a machine that enables us to talk to people from other dimensions

GG: that would be pretty awesome!
GG: but what if the person from the dimension you were talking to was evil!
GG: do you think they could find a way to our dimensions

TG: they might
TG: that is if one of the other dimensions doesnt do it first
TG: there are probably plenty of other dimensions that would be able to figure out a way to the other dimensions
TG: it could be like a constant throughout dimensions that humans want to figure out as much shit as possible

GG: it would be boring if we suddenly just decided to stop learning things about our world!

TG: it would be
TG: that reminds me
TG: are you doing anything with your sciency job
TG: hows that going

GG: its going really well!
GG: we are currently trying to make an artificial intelligence for cars
GG: weve run into a few bugs but we are working on them
GG: we are also trying to make them environmentally friendly!

TG: thats super cool
TG: youre super cool

GG: thanks!
GG: how have you been doing?
GG: done anything interesting?
GG: met anyone new?

TG: shit did rose tell you

GG: maybe
GG: but she didnt tell me that much
GG: she didnt even tell me the persons name

TG: okay so yeah i did meet someone new
TG: hes small and angry but also really nice
TG: his name is karkat

GG: i know karkat!

TG: shit does everyone know karkat????

GG: i guess :/

TG: jesus christ like rose was the one who introduced him to me
TG: and then john knew him
TG: and you did too
TG: am i really the last person to know of his existence???
TG: i feel cheated honestly
TG: that yall would neglect to tell me about such a fantastic and angry individual
TG: people always say that opposites attract
TG: well im super chill and hes super angry its like we were meant to be
TG: ...
TG: that was not supposed to sound the way it did
TG: i meant like platonically
TG: platonically meant to be
TG: no homo
TG: except maybe a little cause im bi as heck

GG: alright cool kid we get it
GG: youre at least a little bit gay for karkat

TG: well yeah if youre not at least a little bit gay for your friend than what kind of friend are you

GG: im not sure if it works like that

TG: okay so maybe it doesnt but still
TG: gotta put so many layers of irony between me and myself that the moment it all goes down im just a blob of a human being
TG: like if you dont have a skeleton
TG: just laying there in a pile of your own sweat and blood and skin

GG: thats super gross!

TG: thats just the facts jade
TG: you wouldnt be able to have any sort of structure if you didnt have a skeleton
TG: shit be one of the most important parts of the body
TG: wait which body part is the most important

GG: i think the heart or the brain seems the most likely!

TG: youre probably right
TG: but the question here is whether the heart or the brain is more important

GG: im not sure really
GG: contrary to popular belief, i dont actually know that much about the human body!
GG: which is why i work with robots instead

TG: and i only know about random historical dead shit
TG: like archeology shit
TG: which reminds me that i havent talked to ara in probably a few months

GG: who was ara again?

TG: shes was one of my friends in college who actually became an archeologist
TG: although to be fair the only reason i havent talked to her for so long is because she does not have much free time
TG: spends all her time digging shit up and figuring out what it was for
TG: kicking sexist and homophobic assholes to the curb with her superior knowledge that people were still gay and shit thirteen thousand and four years ago

GG: oh yeah!
GG: i think i remember her
GG: we didnt really talk much :(

TG: huh
TG: i thought you two would have hit it off really well

GG: i think it was more due to our respective schedules than any sort of apprehension of talking to each other

TG: oh yeah
TG: you two were both super intense when it came to your major
TG: like more so than most other people

GG: i would say we were passionate :p

TG: well that was definitely clear as a cloudless day
TG: like clear as when you go to a super fucking remote area where there isnt any light for miles and miles and miles
TG: clear as the motherfucking night sky in that particular area
TG: but yall were also a bit obsessive

GG: i wouldnt say that!

TG: you forgot to eat and sleep for an entire day because you were working on a project that you were passionate about

GG: ...
GG: i have finger reminders now!
GG: i havent forgotten to eat in a while now!

TG: it is amazing that you came up with a system to remind yourself of things
TG: and that it actually works
TG: i tried it once and i forgot what the pink ribbon on my right pinkie finger first notch meant
TG: you practically made a language out of bits of colorful string and ribbons on your fingers
TG: though it is kind of odd that you didnt put the reminders to eat and sleep on sooner

GG: i had better things to worry about

TG: jade

GG: dave

TG: jade

GG: cool kid

TG: you had better things to worry about than completing an action that would kill you if you did not do it

GG: having a body is inconvenient most of the time
GG: the only things it is good for is petting dogs and making robots

TG: that is fair
TG: but consider that there is no way out of your flesh prison so you need to take care of it so that you can pet more dogs and make more robots

GG: hmmmm
GG: i think you might be right

TG: you think

GG: yes!
GG: i do, in fact, think, dave
GG: its kind of a thing we humans do

TG: what is this human you speak of
TG: i never heard of such a thing
TG: is it a disease
TG: should i be worried

GG: no, no, silly!
GG: humans are a sentient life form capable of communicating with each other in complex ways
GG: they are typically characterized by their determination to improve themselves and their environment

TG: sounds terrifying

GG: yeah :/

TG: do you have anything on this planet that is not scary

GG: dogs!!!
GG: we have dogs!!

TG: and what are dogs like

GG: they are friendly and good!!!
GG: they are also fluffy and you can pet them!!!
GG: and you can play with them!!

TG: sounds like my kind of thing where do i sign up

GG: you can adopt whatever dog you like at the pet store or an animal shelter
GG: make sure you can take care of them though!!!
GG: if you dont take care of your pet, i will personally come to your house and shoot you with my rifle!!

TG: ill be sure to keep that in mind
TG: anyway do you want aras chumhandle
TG: or troll handle
TG: god all these different compatible platforms are confusing

GG: they are a bit confusing :/
GG: i think jane still uses betty bother!!

TG: what really
TG: that shitty thing

GG: yep
GG: but yes i would like aras troll handle

TG: it is apocalypsearisen
TG: so you can go contact her now if you want

GG: ill be sure to do that!
GG: thank you!!
GG: im going to go do that now
GG: see ya!!

TG: bye

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well shit. If Jade was pestering Aradia now, then that means that you can't contact her right now. Unless Aradia decides to talk to you at the same time as Jade, but that's just annoying for everyone involved. Besides, someone else was pestering you right now. Er, trolling.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GC: WH4T'S UP COOL K1D
GC: 1 H34RD YOU HUNG OUT W1TH K4RKL3S TH3 OTH3R D4Y
GC: HOW W4S MY GRUMPY FR13ND??

TG: how did you find out about me hanging out with karkat

GC: D4V3
GC: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW TH4T 1 H4V3 4 V4ST N3TWORK OF P3OPL3 TO G4TH3R 1NFORM4T1ON FROM
GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYON3 4S W3LL 4S HOW L1K3LY TH3Y 4R3 TO B3 GU1LTY FOR 4 CR1M3

TG: oh yeah
TG: right
TG: thats not creepy at all

GC: 1'M 4 L4WY3R D4V3
GC: 1T 1S MY JOB TO F1ND OUT 1F MY CL13NT 1S GU1LTY OR NOT
GC: 4ND 1F TH3Y 4R3NT 1 M4K3 SUR3 TH3Y DONT G3T PUN1SH3D FOR SOM3TH1NG TH3Y D1D NOT DO

TG: good business practice
TG: wait question
TG: i feel like i might have asked you this before but here it goes anyway
TG: how do you know karkat

GC: K4RK4T 4ND 1 4R3 CH1LDHOOD FR13NDS

TG: oh shit
TG: never would have guessed that
TG: you two just seem so different that it never even occurred to me that you would hang out with each other

GC: H3 3V3N H4D 4 CRUSH ON M3 1N M1DDL3 SCHOOL
GC: 1T W4S JUST 4S 4WKW4RD 4S 1T SOUNDS
GC: MOSTLY B3C4US3 1 D1DNT F33L TH3 S4M3 W4Y
GC: 4LSO B3C4US3

TG: because what

GC: C4N YOU K33P 4 S3CR3T??

TG: of course i can keep a goddamned secret who the fuck do you think i am
TG: someone who says every single thought that comes to their head regardless of how private that thought is
TG: dont answer that
TG: but yeah i can probably keep any secret you tell me
TG: lay it on me

GC: 4LR1GHT SO YOU KNOW HOW TROLLS H4V3 4 D1FF3R3NT ROM4NC3 SYST3M TH4N HUM4NS

TG: yeah
TG: yall got like quadrants and shit
TG: entirely too complicated if you ask me but whatever
TG: continue

GC: W3LL K4RK4T N3V3R F3LT TH3 NORM4L 3MOT1ONS 4SSOC14T3D W1TH TROLL ROM4NC3
GC: H3 V4C1LL4T3D L1K3 CR4ZY
GC: WH1CH M4D3 1T V3RY D1FF1CULT FOR H1M TO HOLD DOWN 4NY CONCUP1SC3NT QU4DR4NT
GC: DON’T T3LL H1M 1 TOLD YOU TH1S
GC: H3’S V3RY S3NS1T1V3 4BOUT 1T

TG: i can see why
TG: he really fucking loves those romance novels doesnt he

GC: Y34H

TG: …

GC: …

TG: …

GC: …
GC: W3LL 4NYW4Y TH4T W4S 4 FUN CONV3RS4T1ON BUT 1 N33D TO GO NOW

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, that conversation got really serious really quickly. You can’t remember the last time you had a even the slightest it serious talk with Terezi. Maybe this was the first. Does that mean that you two aren’t as close friends as you thought you were, or are you two simply content with sending each other shitty memes and joking around?

Reasonably thinking, it was the latter, and you are just overthinking this entire thing, but neither of you really knew how to react when you two reached a topic that you couldn’t really brush off or joke about.

Should you talk to her about it? Would she be comfortable with that? Would she rather you just be that friend that she can be silly with? Would it be awkward to bring it up?

And what about you? How do you even feel about this? You’re kind of torn between wanting to be silly friends with Terezi and wanting to know how she is in actuality. Which, you guess, is basically the definition of being close friends with somebody, but you don’t know if it breaks any troll bro codes.

You were interrupted from your thoughts when your computer dinged, signaling that someone was contacting you.

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AA: hello dave!
AA: its been a while
AA: jade told me that you wanted to contact me so here i am!

TG: that was nice of her
TG: how did your conversation with her go

AA: it was nice
AA: i look forward to speaking with her in the future

TG: thats cool
TG: how have you been doing
TG: with your job and all
TG: are you still up to your tits in shit to do

AA: of course
AA: thats kind of what i signed up for when i got the job
AA: i even direct expeditions occasionally!!!
AA: its really hard work but it is very rewarding

TG: well im glad youre wherever doing and enjoying your job

AA: what about you
AA: surely you got some sort of job
AA: even if it isnt the job you had in mind when you got your degree

TG: yeah i do have some sort of job
TG: i make grubtube videos
TG: and do commission work on the side
TG: some of it is actually good while others ask for ironically shitty things
TG: being able to draw both good and shitty things is a skill not many can appreciate

AA: thats simultaneously something i would not have expected and something that was bound to happen
AA: i hope that you get enough money to live off of from doing that

TG: oh yeah i make plenty of money
TG: especially since my channel got really popular because one of my videos became a meme

AA: oh!
AA: well thats good
AA: which video was it if you dont mind me asking
AA: not that i know what your channel is

TG: my channels name is cogsinthegodshead
TG: and the video that became popular was one where i review a large rant that someone sent me
TG: ...
TG: ara??
TG: you still there???

AA: oh yes
AA: i just took a minute to look up your video
AA: it is amusing and reminds me of a certain friend i used to have
AA: but i havent actually talked to him in years
AA: i wonder if he still thinks im dead

TG: what
TG: what do you mean if he still thinks youre dead
TG: did you like fake your death or something???

AA: its an inside joke we used to have
AA: about me doing things that would have more likely than not ended with my death
AA: i used to be very reckless you know!
AA: :D

TG: how could you have been so reckless that you had an inside joke about you dying

AA: i was very reckless

TG: i got that
TG: jesus
TG: what was your friend even like

AA: he was a very angry person!
AA: he was always shouting
AA: but it was more shouting at us to take care of ourselves rather than anything with malice
AA: like he would yell at us to get more sleep and to eat something
AA: he was probably one of the more well adjusted people in our friend group

TG: okay one more question

AA: go ahead

TG: what was his name

AA: his name was karkat

TG: goddamn it
TG: i knew it
TG: how come everyone i know knew karkat before i ever did
TG: like im just today finding out that a bunch of my friends are friends with karkat
TG: and now you
TG: i havent even talked to you in a few months and yet
TG: here we are
TG: apparently you were also friends with karkat
TG: were you childhood friends with him like terezi was????

AA: yes but terezi knew him since kindergarten
AA: i didnt meet him until middle school

TG: shit they knew each other since kindergarden????

AA: they did

TG: holy shit
TG: thats a long ass time
TG: you know theyre still friends right
TG: like they still talk to each other and all that jazz

AA: thats certainly surprising!
AA: i havent talked to either of them in years
AA: in fact i never kept contact with any of our old friend group except for sollux

TG: whos sollux

AA: hes my matesprit!
AA: he also is one of karkats current friends
AA: at least from what i hear
AA: apparently they still talk occasionally

TG: huh
TG: i guess it would make sense that i havent heard of him if they dont talk that much

AA: they dont talk that much now but they used to be best friends
AA: i assumed they grew apart slowly so now they dont talk that often
AA: maybe i should encourage them to spend more time with each other

TG: wait
TG: are you and sollux in a long distance relationship

AA: i guess you could say that
AA: my job requires me to travel quite a bit so i dont often stay in one place
AA: sollux on the other hand prefers to stay in one place even if he could do his job while traveling
AA: he works from home
AA: kind of like you do!

TG: what kind of work does he do

AA: he does programming and i believe he is currently working on a game
AA: he doesnt want to share the details of it with me

TG: well why not

AA: he told me it was a surprise

TG: that seems suspicious

AA: it certainly does

TG: what are you going to do about

AA: i could wait but

TG: but what

AA: nevermind
AA: it wasnt really a very good idea
AA: especially since he has explained to me why hes keeping the details a secret

TG: shit why

AA: (its supposed to be a surprise for me)
AA: (i think he knows that i would try to find out what it was if he didnt tell me at least that)

TG: (oh shit)
TG: (what do you think it is)

AA: (i dont know)
AA: (i just know that it is for me)

TG: (aside from that)
TG: (why are we putting our text into parentheses)

AA: it was supposed to be a visual way to show whispering

TG: thats a pretty good way to whisper
TG: ive got to use that in future conversations with people
TG: make sure that any secret is kept safe inside the parenthesis of void
TG: that way nobody can figure out what information is being kept inside them

AA: why void

TG: because void is like emptiness or some shit
TG: and it can hide information apparently???
TG: i honestly dont really know i just remember my older sister talking about it
TG: she was kind of rambling on about void or whatever
TG: rambling seems to run in the family who would have guessed
TG: surely not every goddamned person to ever speak to a strider or a lalonde
TG: rose wont admit it but she rambles on pretty often
TG: its just more intelligent sounding than everyone elses rambles
TG: except for dirk
TG: dirks rambling sounds pretty sciency and shit
TG: apparently he works with robots like jade does
TG: but instead of working on the ai and actual programming of the robots
TG: he does the actual building of the robots
TG: he might do some programming tho
TG: like occasionally

AA: thats pretty interesting!
AA: i dont know the people you mentioned though

TG: ok so quick rundown
TG: rose is my twin
TG: dirk is my older brother
TG: jade is a good friend of mine
TG: they are all super smart and do a bunch of smarty pants things

AA: it sounds like you are proud of them!

TG: hella
TG: i mean sometimes i think about how i could have probably done something like that
TG: but its just not something i wanted to do
TG: you feel??
TG: like its just not something i could see myself spending my entire life on

AA: you dont have to you know

TG: what

AA: you dont have to do one thing for your entire life
AA: you can do a bunch of different things
AA: you have so much of your lifespan left and not everyone wants to do the same thing over and over again for years at a time
AA: you can shake it up
AA: so maybe one day you could decide to dabble in some programming or writing
AA: if you decide you dont like it you dont have to keep doing it
AA: i probably sound a bit hypocritical since i have dedicated so much to my passion which im sure i will want to keep doing for my life
AA: but i recognize that its not the same with everyone

TG: ...
TG: huh
TG: i guess i never really thought of it like that
TG: we get told so much that we need to do one thing with our life
TG: and we are expected to be satisfied with that
TG: i just never really thought about it
TG: being middle aged seems like a muddle of a lack of planning
TG: its difficult to imagine myself at that age
TG: maybe
TG: ill be a museum curator
TG: and ill look at artifacts and write little blurbs of information on each one that no one is going to read
TG: and ill lead tours around the museum
TG: and ill answer little kids questions no matter how ridiculous they are
TG: like asking if dinosaurs were made of stardust
TG: and id be like fuck yes little jimmy
TG: dinosaurs were made of stardust
TG: and so are you
TG: ...
TG: or maybe ill continue doing my youtube channel

AA: it sounds like you put a lot of thought into being a museum curator

TG: i guess i did
TG: maybe its not too late to do something like that

AA: of course not!
AA: but you have to make sure to go after the things you want
AA: if you dont you mind find yourself at your deathbed regretting not doing something

TG: i guess youre right
TG: ...
TG: thank you i guess
TG: for the advice and the conversation

AA: its really no problem
AA: we should talk more

TG: we definitely should
TG: just like contact me if you are ever free and feel like talking to somebody

AA: ill be sure to do that!
AA: it was nice talking to you too

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Whew. That conversation was exhausting, but also kind of nice? You just feel worn out now, and you also realize that it's getting pretty late, so you decide to go to sleep. It was probably one of the best sleeps you've ever had.

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY, DAVE.
CG: I TRIED TO TROLL YOU YESTERDAY, BUT IT SAID YOU WERE IDLE.
CG: ARE YOU HERE NOW?

TG: you bet your bottom dollar im here
TG: sorry for not answering yesterday btw
TG: got distracted by a bunch of other people pestering and trolling me

CG: IT’S FINE.
CG: WE ALL GET BOMBARDED BY OTHERS AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER.
CG: WHO DID YOU TALK TO?

TG: some of my friends who you also apparently know or knew
TG: i learned a lot of shit yesterday
TG: namely that all of my friends know who you are
TG: jade knows who you are
TG: john knows who you are
TG: terezi knows who you are but that was kind of expected but i did not expect that you were friends with her since fucking kindergarten
TG: and then also aradia apparently was friends with you in middle school????

CG: WHAT?
CG: YOU TALKED TO ARADIA?
CG: GEEZ, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.
CG: HAS SHE DIED YET?

TG: not that i know of
TG: as far as i know she is as nice and cheerful as ever

CG: CHEERFUL?
CG: CLEARLY WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SAME ARADIA.

TG: so you arent talking about aradia megido here

CG: I AM, BUT CHEERFUL IS PROBABLY THE LAST WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE HER.
CG: SHE WAS ALWAYS KIND OF CREEPY, AND SHE ACTED DEAD HALF THE TIME.
CG: SHE ALSO DID A BUNCH OF CRAZY SHIT AS IF SHE COULDN'T DIE.
CG: IT WAS, FRANKLY, EXTREMLY CONCERNING.

TG: that doesnt sound like the ara i know at all
TG: except for the crazy shit part
TG: she still does crazy shit
TG: the ara i know is super fucking cheerful and happy
TG: wait when you say she acted dead what do you mean

CG: I MEAN SHE ACTED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.
CG: IT WAS HONESTLY SUPER CREEPY.
CG: THE ONLY TIME I REMEMBER THAT SHE SHOWED SOME EMOTION WAS WHEN EQUIUS TRIED TO ASK HER OUT.
CG: TO BE FAIR, HE DIDN'T EXACTLY DO IT IN THE BEST WAY.
CG: HE KIND OF DESERVED TO GET BEAT UP.

TG: holy shit
TG: i dont know who the fuck equius is but what was the damage

CG: HE HAD A BROKEN BONE OR TWO, AND HE ALSO HAD TWO BLACK EYES.
CG: WHICH WAS REALLY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE SINCE HE WAS SUPER FUCKING BUFF AND KNEW MARTIAL ARTS.

TG: can a middle school child be buff

CG: YES. APPARANTLY.
CG: AND, AS MUCH AS NEPETA THOUGHT THE PAIRING WAS CUTE, SHE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE TO ADMIT THAT THE WAY EQUIUS ASKED ARADIA OUT WAS CREEPY.

TG: how did he even ask her out

CG: IT'S A MEMORY I PREFER TO KEEP REPRESSED.

TG: that bad

CG: YES.
CG: IT WAS HORRIBLE TO WATCH, AND THEN ARADIA GOT SUSPENDED FOR AN AMOUNT OF TIME.

TG: she did it at school???

CG: SHE DID.
CG: SHE ALSO DIDN'T OFFER ANY MERCY.
CG: THE ONLY REASON THAT SHE STOPPED BEATING UP EQUIUS IS BECAUSE A TEACHER MANAGED TO PRY HER OFF HIM.

TG: jesus christ
TG: i wasnt even sure that aradia was capable of being angry
TG: she was clearly a very different kind of person when she knew you

CG: CLEARLY.

TG: also i dont know who nepeta is either

CG: SHE WAS EQUIUS'S MOIRAIL.
CG: SHE STILL IS, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
CG: I TALK TO HER SEMI-OFTEN.
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO HER MORE.

TG: how many of your friends from middle school do you still even know and talk to

CG: WELL, I STILL TALK TO NEPETA, KANAYA, TEREZI, SOLLUX, AND ERIDAN.
CG: SOMETIMES I HAVE THE DISPLEASURE OF TALKING TO EQUIUS.
CG: GAMZEE STILL CONTACTS ME SOMETIMES, BUT I TRY TO AVOID TALKING WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST.
CG: I'VE BARELY HEARD ABOUT VRISKA SINCE SHE WENT TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING.
CG: I CAN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, REMEMBER FOR WHAT, BUT I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FOR STEALING SOMETHING.
CG: AND THEN I DON'T REALLY TALK TO FEFERI, TAVROS, OR ARADIA ANYMORE.
CG: I THINK THAT'S BASICALLY EVERYONE I WAS FRIENDS WITH IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

TG: holy shit thats a shit ton of people
TG: when i was in middle school i was only friends with john jade and rose
TG: and rose was my fucking twin and john and jade lived miles and miles away from me
TG: and you still talk to a bunch of them
TG: even if i dont know who most of them are but will probably find out eventually
TG: i think john once dated a girl named vriska
TG: dont know if it is the same one

CG: WAS SHE WEIRDLY OBSESSED WITH SPIDERS AND THE NUMBER EIGHT?

TG: she was actually

CG: THEN IT WAS THE SAME ONE I KNEW.

TG: shit
TG: john still has lingering effects of her influence
TG: like typing out eight characters when drawing words out

CG: WELL, SHE WASN'T DATING JOHN WHEN I MET HIM, SO SHE MUST HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF JAIL.

TG: well i guess that development is settled
TG: i apparently know a fair amount of the people you knew
TG: who would have guessed

CG: PROBABLY ANYONE WHO KNEW BOTH OF US
CG: ALSO, COULD I ASK YOU FOR ARADIA'S TROLLHANDLE?
CG: I WAS BEING SERIOUS WHEN I SAID I HADN'T TALKED TO HER IN AGES.
CG: AND I DON'T KNOW IF SHE STILL HAS THE SAME TROLLHANDLE.

TG: sure thing dude
TG: her trollhandle is apocalypsearisen

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL THE SAME.
CG: I COULD HAVE CONTACTED HER AT ANY FUCKING TIME.

TG: i wouldnt worry about it that much
TG: you probably just didnt want to risk contacting someone super weird who you didnt actually know anything about

CG: I GUESS, BUT STILL.

TG: besides it is super hard to get a hold of her at all so i only really ever talk to her like once every few months
TG: she does all this archeology shit so half the time she is in a place with no internet

CG: OH.
CG: I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE.
CG: ARCHEOLOGY IS PRETTY COOL THOUGH.

TG: yeah she gets to lead expeditions and shit now its pretty fucking awesome
TG: going around licking shit to see if something is a rock or a bone

CG: WHY THE FLYING FUCK WOULD YOU GO AROUND LICKING RANDOM THINGS TO SEE IF IT IS A ROCK OR A BONE?

TG: because if it is a bone then your tongue will stick
TG: thats how you know its not going to be useless if you shove it into a museum

CG: THAT'S REALLY WEIRD.

TG: you havent even heard about licking some thousand or something year old honey to see if it was still good
TG: spoilers
TG: it was because honey never spoils

CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

TG: no man its one hundred percent true
TG: complete and absolute fact

CG: I'M STILL GOING TO CALL BULLSHIT.

TG: dont say i didnt warn ya
TG: one day youre going to be arguing with someone and then youll both look it up on wikipedia to see whos right
TG: and low and behold you were wrong
TG: you will have to live with that humiliation for the rest of your life

CG: I THINK I'LL GET OVER IT.

TG: wow okay

CG: ANYWAY, I'M GLAD ARADIA IS DOING SOMETHING THAT SHE PRESUMABLY ENJOYS WITH HER LIFE.
CG: SHE DOES ENJOY HER JOB, RIGHT?

TG: hell yeah she does
TG: every time i contact her we trade stories about things that have happened in the past few months
TG: sometimes really dumb shit happens that we tell to our other friends
TG: while others are closely guarded secrets that we only tell one another and they never see the light of day

CG: WHAT KIND OF SECRETS?

TG: secret secrets
TG: the most secrety kind of secrets you could ever conceivably have and share with another living thing that has the capability to tell others your secret
TG: except that you trust them enough not to tell anybody about it

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU ONLY TALK TO HER ONCE EVERY FEW MONTHS?

TG: yeah i would like to talk to her more but she is a busy person and so am i
TG: our schedules dont always line up
TG: particularly because of her going to places where she doesnt have internet and is therefore unable to contact anybody

CG: THAT SOUNDS PRETTY SHITTY.
CG: I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT TALKING TO KANAYA FOR MONTHS AT A TIME.

TG: its a system that works just fine for aradia and i
TG: it would be nice to see her in person every now and then tho

CG: WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.
CG: HOWEVER, IT MAY BE KIND OF PERSONAL, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

TG: ill answer depending on the question so go ahead and shoot

CG: ARE YOU MOIRAILS WITH ARADIA?
CG: BECAUSE A LOT OF THE STUFF YOU DESCRIBED TALKING TO HER ABOUT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD ONLY EVER TELL YOUR MOIRAIL.

TG: oh um
TG: moirail is like the intimate best friend right
TG: like pale and shit

CG: YES. THAT IS THE QUADRANT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

TG: ...
TG: i actually have no idea

CG: OKAY, SO IF YOU TWO AREN'T OFFICIAL MOIRAILS YET, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER?

TG: shit man i dont know
TG: i just kind of think that shes a cool person who i would prefer to hang out with more
TG: but like i know that her job is important to her

CG: YES?

TG: i dont know its just like
TG: it would be nice to hear more from her
TG: just to know that shes alive and doing well and safe and shit
TG: you know

CG: YES, I DO KNOW.
CG: BECAUSE I HAVE A MOIRAIL, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT HERE.

TG: oh
TG: huh
TG: i feel like my previous definition is an intimate friend was kind of correct then
TG: but like also kind of not
TG: im not exactly sure how serious this kind of relationship is though

CG: IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHO YOU DECIDE TO BE MOIRAILS WITH.
CG: FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT'S A VERY SERIOUS COMMITMENT, BUT, FOR OTHERS, IT'S MORE CASUAL.
CG: SOME EVEN WANT TO HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, WHICH IS MORE COMMON WITH HUMANS, BUT WHATEVER.
CG: REALLY, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO ARADIA ABOUT THIS AND TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.
CG: IF THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN SHARING SECRETS LIKE YOU SAID YOU WERE, THEN SHE PROBABLY FEELS THE SAME WAY.
CG: ALTHOUGH, THE RELATIONSHIP MAY BE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN BECAUSE OF DISTANCE.
CG: ON THE OTHER HAND, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER HASN'T BEEN DIMINISHED FROM TIME AND DISTANCE, SO IT MIGHT HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO TURN INTO A STRONG MOIRALLEGIANCE.

TG: i think im going to think on it for a bit longer
TG: but thanks anyway for the relationship advice

CG: OF COURSE.
CG: ROMANCE IS MY FORTE.

TG: speaking of romance though
TG: talk to me about your novel
TG: it sounds pretty interesting from what little i have heard about it
TG: and based on the amount of writing i have read from you its really good
TG: so you should totally yell at the top of your lungs about it
TG: shout your passions to the world and if anyone gives you shit about it punch them

CG: I DO THAT ANYWAYS.
CG: I HAVE PUNCHED MULTIPLE PEOPLE.
CG: THERE IS REALLY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE IT.

TG: thats the spirit
TG: so novel time
TG: lay out your outline of novel in amazing detail for me
TG: or whatever amount you feel comfortable with
TG: really there isnt any pressure or anything

CG: FINE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO INSISTENT.
CG: THE BASIC SETTING OF MY NOVEL IS THAT TWO INDIVIDUALS MEET WHILE IN COLLEGE.
CG: THEY MEET IN A TEA SHOP BECAUSE I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
CG: SO ANYWAY, WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, THEY FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER.
CG: THEY'RE JUST COMPLETE OPPOSITES, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT A BUNCH OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER, SO THEY END UP SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER.
CG: THE MORE TIME THEY SPEND TOGETHER, THE MORE THEY REALIZE THAT THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: WHICH EVENTUALLY LEADS TO THEM FALLING IN LOVE AND BEGINNING TO DATE.

TG: that sounds super interesting
TG: infinitely better than that bullshit in romance novels where they fall in love with each other instantly and then spend most of the novel skirting around each other and beating around the bush
TG: i havent actually read any romance novels but im pretty sure that is how it goes

CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW IT GOES USUALLY.
CG: AS MUCH AS I LOVE ROMANCE BOOKS AND MOVIES, THAT TROPE IS PRETTY FUCKING ANNOYING.
CG: IT'S LIKE, JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER, YOU COMPLETE DOUCHNOZZLES!
CG: OKAY, SO I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON TO SAY THAT, BUT STILL!
CG: I GOT BETTER!
CG: I ASKED OUT KANAYA, AND IT WAS GREAT!

TG: really

CG: YES.
CG: PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT KANAYA WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED ME OUT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
CG: I GATHERED UP THE NERVE, AND I TOLD HER THAT I WAS PALE FOR HER.
CG: YEAH, *SOME* PEOPLE MAY CALL MY APPROACH A TAD BIT EXTRA, BUT I WAS TRYING TO BE ROMANTIC, GODDAMNIT!

TG: how exactly are you supposed to be romantic with pale romance

CG: I GAVE HER SOME FLOWERS, WHICH CAN BE USED TO EXPRESS FEELINGS FOR ANY AND ALL THE QUADRANTS.
CG: TYPICALLY PEOPLE JUST WRAP THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN A COLORED WRAP THAT REPRESENTS THEIR FEELINGS.
CG: RED FOR RED, PINK FOR PALE, BLACK FOR BLACK, AND GRAY FOR ASHEN.
CG: I HAPPENED TO ALSO CHOOSE FLOWERS THAT WERE MEANINGFUL AS WELL, SO THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS I GAVE KANAYA HAD YELLOW ROSES, AND IT ALSO HAD SOME CHRYSANTHEMUMS.

TG: what do those mean

CG: YELLOW ROSES MEAN FRIENDSHIP, WHILE CHRYSANTHEMUMS MEAN SUPPORT.
CG: I TRIED TO AVOID ANY FLOWERS THAT MEANT LONGEVITY AND STUFF LIKE THAT BECAUSE THOSE CAN MAKE YOU LOOK DESPERATE.
CG: YOU ONLY GIVE THOSE SORTS OF FLOWERS TO SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN YOUR MOIRAIL FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.
CG: IT IS ALSO TRADITIONAL FOR THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TO BE TIED WITH TWO RIBBONS, ONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR, AND THE OTHER WITH THE OTHER'S BLOOD COLOR.
CG: SOME PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT KNOTS TO REPRESENT DIFFERENT THINGS, BUT I WON'T GET INTO THAT.

TG: this all sounds really fucking complicated

CG: YEAH, WELL THAT IS PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE CALLED ME EXTRA.
CG: BUT, IN ADDITION TO THE FLOWERS, IT IS ROMANTIC TO BRING THE PALE ROMANTIC INTEREST THEIR COMFORT FOOD, ALONG WITH ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES OR BOOKS.
CG: IT SHOWS THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PERSON FAIRLY WELL, AND WOULD LIKE TO PURSUE A PALE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM.
CG: SO, I BROUGHT KANAYA HER COMFORT FOOD AND HER FAVORITE BOOK.

TG: i assume she responded positively since you two are now moirails

CG: YES.
CG: WE HAD A VERY ENJOYABLE DATE.

TG: are there any nuances about the other quadrants i should know about

CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE WILLING TO DO A BLACK OR ASHEN RELATIONSHIP.
CG: MOST PARTICIPATE IN THE MORE RED QUADRANTS, BUT MANY FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THE DARKER ONES.
CG: TO BE FAIR, THEY ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO KEEP UP BECAUSE THEY REQUIRE A PROPER RIVALRY.
CG: THE BASIC STIRRINGS OF BLACK FEELINGS IS A FEELING OF RESPECT FOR THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: YOU CAN'T HAVE A PROPER RIVALRY IF YOU DON'T RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON AND RECOGNIZE THAT THEY HAVE GOOD TRAITS.
CG: THE MORE MAJOR FEELINGS THAT TEND TO GET UP PLAYED ARE THE FEELINGS OF ANIMOSITY TOWARDS THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: HOWEVER, PEOPLE SEEM TO FORGET THAT THE RESPECT PLAYS A HUGE PART IN BLACK ROMANCE.
CG: THE ASHEN QUADRANT IS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE IT TAKES THE BLACK QUADRANT AND ADDS ANOTHER PERSON TO MAKE SURE THAT THE KISMESISES DON'T KILL EACH OTHER.
CG: SOMETIMES, THE HAPPENINGS OF A PITCH RELATIONSHIP IS DEPENDENT ON HOW GOOD THE AUSPISTICE IS.
CG: AND THERE ARE VERY FEW GOOD AUSPISTICES, MUCH LESS PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY INTERESTING IN BEING ONE.
CG: KANAYA IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I KNOW WHO ACTUALLY HOLDS AN INTEREST IN BEING AN AUSPISTICE, SO SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT IT.

TG: well thats a shit ton of information
TG: i think i need my info a bit more spread out and a bit more simply worded
TG: although it might just be because i have a hard time wrapping my mind around this black romance stuff
TG: i think ill stick with the red quadrants thank you very much

CG: WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT QUADRANTS AND THE ROMANCE ASSOCIATED WITH EACH OF THEM, THEN I'M THE PERSON TO GO TO.

TG: i think i got that with the first word about quadrants that decided to waterfall out of your mouth

CG: THAT IS BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR WHEN IT COMES TO KNOWLEDGE ABOUT QUADRANTS.

TG: yes you are
TG: bow down to the great king of quadrants everybody
TG: his greatness and might are too glorious to behold
TG: youve got to fuckin look in the corner of your eyes to even begin to behold his beauty and glory
TG: all hail the king of the quadrants

CG: FUCK YES.
CG: BOW DOWN TO ME, PEASANTS, FOR I AM YOUR GOD.
CG: QUIVER BEFORE MY MIGHT.

TG: they quiver before you my liege
TG: they are fearful of the power you possess

CG: OKAY, THIS IS SOUNDING WAY TOO MUCH LIKE ONE OF NEPETA'S ROLEPLAYS, SO I'M GOING TO PUT A STOP TO IT HERE.
CG: JUST, STOP.

TG: oh shit if nepeta does this kind of roleplay shit im going to need a way to contact her

CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO GIVE YOU THE MEANS TO TALK TO HER.

TG: because you want your friends to meet each other

CG: NOT REALLY.
CG: ANYTIME THAT HAPPENS, THE TWO END UP GETTING ALONG INSUFFERABLY WELL, AND THEY END UP MAKING ME SUFFER.

TG: i guess ill just have to find another way to get her contact information

CG: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU END UP TALKING TO NEPETA, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO EQUIUS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.
CG: THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS.
CG: THE TWO ARE SO PALE FOR EACH OTHER IT'S ALMOST SICKENING.
CG: YOU MIGHT END UP WITH A BROKEN HAND.

TG: what for talking to nepeta
TG: that seems like a dick move

CG: NO, IT WON'T BE FOR TALKING TO NEPETA.
CG: IT WILL JUST BE FOR MEETING HIM.
CG: HE HAS A REALLY STRONG HANDSHAKE.
CG: DO NOT USE YOUR DOMINATE HAND WHEN GIVING HIM A HANDSHAKE.

TG: ...
TG: ill keep that in mind
TG: btw i want to know something
TG: has rose pestered you yet

CG: WHY WOULD SHE PESTER ME?

TG: so she hasnt
TG: she found out it was going to be kanayas bday soon and she was freaking out about it
TG: because she didnt know what to get kanaya
TG: i told her to contact you since you are moirails with kanaya

CG: KANAYA WOULD BE OVERJOYED JUST BEING GIVEN A GIFT FROM ROSE.
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT ROSE IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT.

TG: thats what i said
TG: but yeah you should probably message her just to make sure she hasnt gone into solitude about it

CG: HAS SHE ACTUALLY GONE INTO SOLITUDE FOR THINGS LIKE THAT?

TG: no
TG: she mostly goes into solitude near a book deadline
TG: but still
TG: it is a concern of mine

CG: ALRIGHT.
CG: I'LL TRY TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER.
CG: WHAT'S HER HANDLE?

TG: tentacletherapist

CG: I GUESS I'LL GO MESSAGE HER NOW.
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

TG: see ya my dude

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You begin to brainstorm ideas for possible videos for your channel in the future, and you kept this up for about an hour before someone started messaging you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GA: This Is Dave Correct
GA: I Am Kanaya Just In Case You Did Not Recognize My Handle