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Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

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This was stupid.

That is exactly what you were thinking when you began watching this YouTuber’s videos at three in the morning.

Completely idiotic, you thought as you clicked on the next video.

Past you was such a fucking idiot for even beginning to watch these videos, thus subjecting you to these steaming piles of shit videos. There was absolutely no reason to continue watching them.

And yet, you were the one who decided to watch them, so you have abso-fucking-lutely no one to blame this on other than yourself.

So, of course, you’re now watching some douche bag in shades eat an apple in slow motion and reviewing it in precise and exact detail in the most monotone voice you have ever heard in the entirety of your useless fucking existence.

You watch as he bites into an apple with the speed of molasses. Even slower than molasses. What the fuck is slower than molasses? You tried looking it up, but all you got was where the phrase slower than molasses came from. When you returned to the video, he was still biting into the apple. The camera went super close up to him biting into the apple.

After what was most certainly hours, he finally started chewing the bite he took of the apple. This lasted for fucking ages. You wouldn’t be surprised if he made this part extra slow for effect. In fact, you think he might actually have.

He finished chewing, and he slowly opened his mouth to talk about that single bite of apple he had eaten.

“This bite was slightly crunchier than the last bite.” He began, his voice at normal speed. “Juicer too. As absolutely perfect bite of an apple you could reasonably consider getting. Fucking amazing. This apple is amazing. It has nothing on the sweet, sweet nectar that is apple juice, but this apple is awesome in its own right.”

He kept rambling on about the apple for so long that you barely even realized when the video ended. You close out of the seventeen-minute long video of him reviewing a fucking apple of all things and click on another video where he was review… something. You weren't quite sure what it was, but it looked like a pile of sludge.

He described it as slime, but it looked way thicker than any slime should ever look like.

The more you watched his videos, the angrier you got until you got to the point where you were nothing but a ball of rage and exhaustion. In this state of rage and exhaustion, you figured out how to contact him and started typing away.

"FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND SECOND OF ALL, FUCK YOU. AND THIRD OF ALL, GUESS FUCKING WHAT? FUCK YOU. I’M SENDING YOU A METAPHORICAL MIDDLE FINGER. TWO, IN FACT. BOTH OF MY MIDDLE HAND STICKS ARE ERECT AND READY FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. IT’S A SHAME THAT I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS BECAUSE THE RAGE I HAVE CANNOT PROPERLY BE CONVEYED BY MERELY TWO MIDDLE FINGERS. IN FACT, EVEN IF I HAD DOUBLE OR TRIPLE THE AMOUNT OF HANDS, IT WOULD NOT EVEN HOLD A TENTH OF THE AMOUNT OF HATRED AND RAGE I HAVE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHANNEL. YOU HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BE THE CATALYST OF AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF RAGE THAN THE NORMAL PERSON HAS. IN FACT, THE RAGE YOU HAVE CREATED SURPASSES EVEN THE GODS IN MIGHT AND FURY, AND THE ONE WHO HAS OBTAINED THIS RAGE IS ME, A MERE MORTAL.

"IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE THAT I HAVEN’T EXPLODED DUE TO SHEER FUCKING RAGE. IF I DIE FROM SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION, I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT IT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT THAT I DIED. BECAUSE YOU INVOKED AN ANGER THAT SURPASSES WHATEVER GODS YOU BELIEVE IN, I WILL FUCKING EXPLODE LIKE A ROBOT WHO DECIDES TO RANDOMLY EXPLODE TO CONFUSE THE ENTIRETY OF PARADOX SPACE INTO FIXING EVERYTHING THAT OUR PATHETIC SPECIES HAVE DONE WRONG. BUT, OF COURSE, PARADOX SPACE COULD NEVER FIX EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT IS SUPPOSEDLY ‘RANDOM’ BECAUSE PARADOX SPACE KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND HAS HAPPENED AND IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE AND ALTERNATE REALITIES, SO NOTHING IS EVER TRULY RANDOM, NOT EVEN YOUR POINTLESS AS FUCK CHANNEL THAT DOESN'T EVEN DO THINGS THAT AREN’T REVIEWING THE WEIRDEST OF THINGS.

“WHO THE FUCK REVIEWS AN APPLE ANYWAYS? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE COLOR OF THE APPLE AND THE EXACT WAY THE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE APPLE UNLESS YOU’RE BLINDER THAN A BAT. IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY TO DESCRIBE HOW THE SHAPE OF THE APPLE REMINDS YOU OF SOME ARBITRARY EVENT IN HISTORY OR HOW THE NONEXISTENT STEM MAKES YOU THINK OF MODERN-DAY POLITICS. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT HOW EACH BITE OF AN APPLE IS DIFFERENT FROM ONE ANOTHER AND WHICH BITES OF THE APPLE ARE MOST SIMILAR.

“WHAT’S NEXT? ARE YOU GOING TO RAMBLE ON ABOUT HOW COMMUNISM RELATES TO A BACKPACK SHAPED LIKE YOUR FAVORITE POKÉMON? OR HOW THE WORLD WILL BE IMPACTED IF SOMEONE USES FRESH PASTA IN A BATTLE AND HOW THAT PIECE OF PASTA WILL LEAD TO WORLD WAR III? WHAT ARE YOU? A GODDAMNED HISTORY MAJOR? WELL, EXCUSE ME, MR. GOODHEAD, BUT NOT ALL OF US UNDERSTAND WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

“IN FACT, IF, FOR ONCE, YOU WOULD JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SUFFER IN SILENCE, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, PIGS WOULD FLY AND THE APOCALYPSE WOULD HAPPEN, AND WE WOULD ALL JUST HAVE A JOLLY GOOD DAY FOR ONCE. PERHAPS, IF YOU SILENCED YOURSELF FOR EVEN A SINGLE MINUTE, GOG WOULD COME OUT AND BLESS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET WITH HIS GRACE. AND YOU WOULD GET THE GRAND FUCKING PRIZE BECAUSE YOU FINALLY MANAGED TO DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR A FEW, PRECIOUS, GODLY SECONDS. IF YOU WERE QUIET FOR ONCE, BIRDS WOULD SING, AND THE ANGELS WOULD JOIN THEM, AND WIZARDS WOULD EXIST. BUT, OF COURSE, YOU APPEAR TO BE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN SPEAKING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF, SO ANY MIRACLES THAT COULD HAPPEN WON’T HAPPEN BECAUSE THE SEEMINGLY EASY TASK OF CLOSING YOUR MOUTH IS ENTIRELY TOO DIFFICULT FOR A PERSON LIKE YOU.”

This message went on for several more pages before you hit the send button and promptly fell asleep.