He’s everything I’ve yearned for. His decisiveness, his will, his determination, the way he never gives up, how he cheers us all up, the fact that as annoying as people say he is, he still attracts them all, like a black hole consuming, luring everything around it. And now how I think about him makes me understand that I was the first person who got caught in his orbit, but not in good way, it’s dangerous and it only makes me want to be closer to the center of it all.
It feels like a pull in my gut, like a shock going through my body, it’s magnetic and inevitable, maybe it was avoidable but it’s too late for me to realize that what I feel is completely different to what other people sense in him and to what makes all of them be seduced by him.
It’s bad, it feels bad... I feel bad; guilty even. And I know, deep down, a part of me regrets feeling this way. And I hate it. I hate the way my heart stutters when he smiles, I loathe the way the blush creeps up my face when he praises me, I despise having to hide my feelings with empty threats and wrestling moves, I abhor not being able to tell him how I feel, but most of all I detest the people who get to be near him, even when I’m the one who sleeps in the same room as him.
And for all those reasons, the thing I hate the most is myself, because I can't tell him how I feel, how he turns my world upside down when he looks my way, how every night I dream about wrapping my arms around him, how I can feel his hair under my hands hours after I actually touched it, how every other night I think of him with urge in my hand and guilt in my heart while I silently pant in the bathroom, trying to not be heard, how I can’t claim him as mine because he belongs to someone else. He always had, even before he came here.
And I know, I know they have been together since they were in middle school, I know he came here with the promise of calling her every day, of winning Koshien for her. I hear them talk, I catch him sigh after every call, I can see the devotion in his eyes and I pray, to a God I don’t believe in, for some day to be the reason behind that look, and as much as I pray I know it’s not going to happen.
There’s this tiny part of my brain pressuring me to tell him how I feel, how I’ve felt after a few months of knowing him, how he made me see the sun in a pair of eyes instead of in the vast sky.
And I’m about to tell him, I’m about to be over with this, no matter the outcome, I won’t see him again, I’m sure, and that’s why I want him to know… to know that I love him, and it’s in my tongue already and I’m about to tell him... but then it’s over.
It comes crashing down rather fast, and I only remember bits and pieces, his happy face, kissing lips that are not mine, the bile in my throat, my legs burning despite me being used to running, my insides turning into my outsides, my teammates asking me if I’m alright, even when I hated them for being close to him… but what strikes me the most is him. He's worried… about me. I can feel his hand rubbing circles in my back and it burns, even more than my legs and my throat and my heart. His touch burns me and it makes me melt like I’m made of ice and the sun is directly above me… or touching me.
I don’t want to look up. I don’t want to see their faces, I don’t want to see her face. I don’t want to see his face. If I do, I’ll fall all over again and there’s nothing I can do but pretend I ate something bad and then be back to my usual violent self, just looking for excuses to touch him more and more every time.
But then I remember I won’t see him again. This is our last day together, my last day next to him and then I feel like crying, but I can’t let them see me cry, so I painstakingly get off the floor where I’m crouching with my head between my knees and trying my best to not get vomit in my uniform and shoes, but I can’t talk, I don’t trust myself to do that, so I don’t. I pretend my throat hurts too much to talk and I excuse myself as soon as I can and I run away.
Away from my teammates, away from his girlfriend, away from him, away from my feelings. But my feelings don’t go away so easily, they chase me and hunt me, they drip down my cheeks and make my hands go numb, they make my heart beat faster and hurt more, they want me to suffer.
And I suffer, because I know I won’t see him ever again, and because every second of the day, they remind me that Sawamura Eijun will never be mine.