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Simon didn’t always have bottom dysphoria, he was pretty good at managing it. He just didn’t think about it a whole lot, he was focused on other things. His body felt like his own when he smoothed his palms over his bound chest in a fine shirt, it felt like his own when he practiced medicine. His hands would move deftly as he stitched a wound or prepped his tools, his legs moved quickly and efficiently as he pulled supplies and medicine from cupboards and drawers. His body was a tool capable of serving all his day to day needs. He didn’t feel so at home when he was reminded what was missing. While his hands served him as well in bed as they did in his work, he wanted more. Being bi Kaylee didn’t mind, he was all the man she could want. But it wasn’t enough for him, Simon wasn’t the kind of man he wished he could be for her. He wanted so much for her to feel him inside her, and for him to feel her around him. Simon knit his brow as he thought about this, and tried to time his breath with the strokes of Rivers pencil to calm himself. Despite his effort at finding peace his thoughts sped through all the feelings he usually shoved down. He tried to imagine peeing standing up, masturbating, and making uninhibited love with Kaylee. Then he ran through all the pros and cons of different surgical procedures, and who could perform them. He hadn’t noticed that the scratch of his sisters pencil had gone silent, nor that she had moved across the floor of his bunk to sit beside his bed where he lay staring at the ceiling. River touched his arm. “Simon.” Pulled back to reality he drew a long breath as he turned to look at her, returning his expression to a neutral one that hid his distress. “Simon are you ok?” River asked, concern in her eyes.
“Mei Mei of course I’m fine.” He told her dismissively. She gave him a look that said she knew he was full of shit. She could feel it, it was something like fear and sadness. Only more than that, sort of like confusion like two conflicting realities, or seeing something that contradicts what you know. She couldn’t always feel it this strong, but since they were young she could see it in him when he suffered like this. He gave her the worst fake grin to show he was good. “Fei hua Simon, don’t do that. Everyone talks like mice, soft so I won’t hear. Your lips move and your mouth widens, but it means nothing. I’m not glass.” He met her sternness with a scowl, one she threw right back. “Fine.” he grumbled. River smirked at the victory. “It’s my dysphoria.” He sighed. His sister nodded knowingly. “I’m just stuck wanting what I’ll never quite have, it feels like I’ve lost something I never actually had.” River rested her forehead against his arm in affection as she listened. “Usually I just don’t think about it to much, but I wish I could experience what it feels like.” River could feel it coming off him in waves, grief, frustration, and a sense of inadequacy. “I know what you need.” Gracefully she rose and climbed onto the bed to perch by his shoulder. Simon looked at her, puzzled. She kissed him softly on the lips, pausing after the quick peck to let him process what was happening. He let her, because somehow his mind went silent, as if the whole verse was at peace. Just like when they were kids. The two used to build forts, then they would crawl inside their little shelter from the world no one else allowed. They would tell each other stories, play chess, and fall asleep in each others arms. River placed her hand over his bound chest, Simon relaxed his chest feeling like his own. Rivers hand slid down and cupped what little cock he did have from being on T. He let her unbuckle his belt and slide his pants and underwear off, then kiss down his stomach. He knew it was supposed to be wrong and taboo but nothing made his world seem more real than River. She kissed down his stomach till she reached his cock. She held the base between her fingers as she ran her tongue around the head and down his small shaft. He closed his eyes as Rivers head started bobbing up and down on his hard cock. In his minds eye he could see, he could see her and he could see his body in its true form. His baby sister, his other half was showing him that she saw how Simon saw himself. It wasn’t long before his pulse quickened, he started to thrust slightly but River grabbed his hips pinning him to the bed. With that he succumbed to the pleasure and started throbbing in her mouth. The sensation was far more intense than anything he’d ever experienced sexually.
After River came to lie beside him, and they fell asleep in each others arms.